CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, NORTHRIDGE
THE ROCKS
WISH GRANTERS
A graduate project submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of
Master of Fine Arts in Screenwriting
By
Daniel Bardwil
May 2017 Copyright by Daniel Bardwil 2017
ii The graduate project of Daniel Bardwil is approved:
______Professor Eric Edson Date
______Professor Dianah Wynter Date
______Professor Scott Sturgeon, Chair Date
California State University, Northridge
iii TABLE OF CONTENTS
Copyright Page ii
Signature Page iii
Abstract v
The Rocks 1
Wish Granters 41 ABSTRACT
THE ROCKS
WISH GRANTERS
By
Daniel Bardwil
Master of Fine Arts in Screenwriting
After the death of his father, a recent college grad settles for a job at a private resort and must learn to cope with the 1% and survive the hospitality life while holding on to his passion for filmmaking.
After getting in trouble with the law, the douchey and entitled son of the world's most famous philanthropist duo must prove his worth when he's sentenced to work with a foundation that grants the wishes of dying children.
v THE ROCKS
COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
EXT. LOS ANGELES, CA - THE HOLLYWOOD SIGN - DAY
We’ve all seen it before. An iconic, big-lettered beacon for dreamers, which stands among the lush Hollywood Hills.
EXT. GARGANTUAN PICTURES - DAY
A HUGE GROTESQUE MONSTER, made completely out of fiberglass, clings to the side of this sleek and modern-looking two-story building.
On the roof, steel beams hold up a big sign that reads: “Gargantuan Pictures”.
INT. GARGANTUAN PICTURES - LOBBY - DAY
The walls are plastered with BIG BUDGET MOVIE POSTERS that you’ve never heard of: “Thugs Vs. Aliens”, “Monster Day”, “The Lightspeed Wars 1, 2 & 3”.
A PHONE RINGS.
RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) Gargantuan Pictures-- how may I help you?
In the center of the room, a female RECEPTIONIST (30), wearing too much makeup and donning a BLUETOOTH HEADSET, sits at her DESK and types away on a COMPUTER.
RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D) I’m sorry, Sir, but--
The Receptionist stops typing and listens intently.
RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D) Uh huh... (beat) (MORE)
1 RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D) Okay, listen-- I’m sure your script about zombies attacking New Orleans during Mardi Gras is destined to be a box office smash, but for legal reasons-- we don’t accept unsolicited material-- (beat) Yes, you’re right-- a black, gay orphan does sound like a compelling main character, but we still can’t read your script. (beat) Wait a second-- let me get this straight. You have zero representation, but somehow Denzel Washington-- one of the greatest actors in the entire world, wants to star as your gay, orphan zombie hunter? (beat) Wow. That’s pretty huge. How’d you guys meet exactly? (beat) I see. “In your dreams”. That makes a lot of sense. Please don’t call this number again.
The Receptionist presses a button on the side of her headset and ends the call.
DEAN (O.S.) (Denzel impression) Zombies ain’t got shit on me!
The Receptionist stands and turns towards DEAN SIMMONS (22), a passionate film school grad who would give up a testicle to shake Steven Spielberg’s hand, dressed in business attire and sitting on a leather couch in the corner of the room.
RECEPTIONIST (offended) Excuse me?
DEAN (nervous) Oh, I’m sorry--
Dean awkwardly jumps to his feet.
DEAN (CONT’D) I was doing an impression of Denzel. You know-- from Training Day, but... with zombies?
2 RECEPTIONIST (pissed) I don’t care about any of your shitty impressions. You’re eavesdropping on conversations that could potentially be extremely confidential.
Dean nervously takes a few steps towards the desk.
DEAN Listen... I didn’t mean to--
RECEPTIONIST (yelling) You didn’t mean to what?! Make yourself look like a total fucking idiot right before your interview with one of the biggest producers in Hollywood?!
Dean stops in his tracks.
DEAN I’m so sorry. You’re right-- I clearly overstepped my boundaries and my impressions are shitty. I don’t even know why I do them.
Dean continues to walk towards the Receptionist.
DEAN (CONT’D) Please... don’t hold this against me. This job is the first solid step towards my dream career of making movies.
Dean stops at the desk.
DEAN (CONT’D) I can’t screw this up.
The Receptionist LAUGHS.
RECEPTIONIST Oh my God! You’re so cute!
DEAN (confused) Wait, what?
3 RECEPTIONIST Okay, be honest. On a scale from 1 to Daniel Day- Lewis, how good was my acting? I’ve been taking classes on the weekends.
DEAN You were acting?! Jesus Christ-- I thought I just royally screwed myself!
RECEPTIONIST Are you kidding me? There’s no way you can screw this up.
DEAN What are you talking about?
The receptionist leans in close.
RECEPTIONIST Between you and me... Mr. Edson loves the short you made and can’t stop talking about it.
DEAN (shocked) Get the hell out of here! The Grant Edson saw and loved my short film?
RECEPTIONIST How do you think you got through the door? He wants an assistant that can be mentored into the next big thing and you my friend, are at the top of his list.
DEAN (whispers) Holy shit.
Dean places a hand over his chest.
DEAN (CONT’D) I think my heart’s about to explode.
RECEPTIONIST Relax. You’ll be fine. Just take a seat, don’t do any more shitty impressions and I’ll let you know when Mr. Edson’s ready to see you.
4 DEAN (excited) Sure. Okay. I can handle that!
As Dean walks back to the couch, a VIBRATION is heard.
DEAN (CONT’D) (sotto) Shit.
Dean stops and pulls out his PHONE.
INSERT - PHONE SCREEN
“Incoming Call - Mom”
BACK TO SCENE
Dean CLICKS answer on the phone and lifts it to his ear.
DEAN (CONT’D) (whispers) Mom-- I’m at an interview, remember? I’ll call you ba--
Concern quickly washes over Dean’s face.
DEAN (CONT’D) Wait... he what?
As Dean continues to listen to the unheard reply on the phone, his face dissolves into complete shock.
RECEPTIONIST (O.S.) Hey, Denzel!
Still glued to the phone, Dean slowly turns towards The Receptionist and looks as if he’s seen a ghost.
RECEPTIONIST (CONT’D) Mr. Edson’s ready to see you!
END OF COLD OPEN
5 ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. THE ROCKS - DAY
Sun shines on a gated, elegant private resort nestled against a cacti-covered mountain, which overlooks golf courses, the beautiful Sonoran Desert and the city of Scottsdale, Arizona.
As we PULL THROUGH the gates, a paved road snakes its way through the resort neighborhood, which contains TWENTY ADOBE STYLE VILLAS that blend in with their desert surroundings.
EXT. THE ROCKS - CLUBHOUSE - DAY
SEVERAL EXPENSIVE CARS sit passenger-less in the tiny PARKING LOT, which lies adjacent to the beautiful STONE STEPS leading up to this exquisite-looking building.
INT. CLUBHOUSE - BAR AREA - DAY
Panoramic views of the desert and clubhouse POOL are visible through the GLASS WALLS that surround the majority of the bar area.
A variety of WEALTHY GUESTS, who sit at the FULLY STOCKED BAR and several tables scattered around the room, TALK, LAUGH and ARGUE while drinking fancy looking cocktails and eating food.
CASSIE (PRE-LAP) What a fucking asshole!
INT. CLUBHOUSE - CONCIERGE AREA - DAY
Against the back wall of the clubhouse ENTRYWAY, CASSIE MEDLIN (30), an insecure concierge who’s had her heart broken way too many times, sits at a long desk in a revealing dress and types away on her COMPUTER.
BRIDGET (O.S.) Language, Cassie!
6 Cassie stops typing and quickly turns towards BRIDGET STRAUBER (70), an elderly concierge with a penchant for falling asleep on the job, who wears an old dress as her Rocks uniform and types away at the COMPUTER next to her.
CASSIE Mr. Wallace just sent me an e-mail demanding that we ignore every call from his wife while he’s here with his “buddies”.
BRIDGET Sweetheart, you shouldn’t judge the man too quickly- -
CASSIE (defensive) He ended the e-mail by asking what kind of prostitution laws we have in this state!!
Suddenly, the front entrance door SWINGS open and PAUL ODIORNE (35), a balding and ill-tempered Guest Services Supervisor who’s sweating through his Rocks uniform (polo and khaki shorts), rushes into the room with a BLACK WALKIE-TALKIE in hand.
CASSIE (CONT’D) It’s about damn time, Paul!
PAUL Is he still here?
BRIDGET The poor boy’s been waiting in your office for over an hour.
PAUL Dedication. I like that!
Paul walks away towards a HALLWAY leading to several offices.
CASSIE Wait! What the hell happened in the McGregor’s villa?! Is it that bad?!
PAUL (yelling) You have no idea!!
7 INT. CLUBHOUSE - SUPERVISOR’S OFFICE - DAY
Dean, now looking depressed as hell and sweating through his dress shirt and tie, sits alone on the visitor side of a CLUTTERED DESK.
PAUL (O.S.) Sorry ‘bout that!
Dean quickly stands and turns towards Paul, who enters the office and extends his hand for a shake.
PAUL (CONT’D) We found one of our villas destroyed this morning after a guest checked out.
Dean and Paul shake hands.
DEAN No worries. I appreciate you meeting with me.
PAUL (ignoring Dean) It was like a god damn crime scene.
DEAN Really? In the villa?
Paul walks towards his chair and tosses his walkie-talkie on the messy desk.
PAUL Oh yeah. Shit was everywhere.
Paul sits down in his chair and Dean follows suit.
DEAN Wow. They must’ve partied hard.
PAUL If your idea of a party is taking a dump on a hooker’s chest then yeah, it was a fucking rager.
As confusion quickly washes over Dean’s face, Paul grabs a piece of paper off the desk and looks at it.
PAUL (CONT’D) (reading) So... Dean Simmons. You graduated from UCLA and majored in... (MORE) 8 PAUL (CONT’D) (confused) Screenwriting?
DEAN That’s correct.
Paul lowers the piece of paper.
PAUL Like Leonardo DiCaprio movies?
DEAN Uh, not exactly--
PAUL I fucking love that guy! You ever see Departed?!
DEAN Yeah, he’s... a pretty great actor.
PAUL Why the hell would you wanna work here?
DEAN Well, sir, if you look on my resume, you’ll see that I grew up in Phoenix and worked at the Marriott for 2 years as a bell boy--
PAUL I don’t give a fuck if you built a shitty-ass Marriott hotel with your own two hands-- why aren’t you in La La Land with DiCaprio?
DEAN Uh, it’s sort of a long story, but--
PAUL Holy shit! You’re beefing with DiCaprio?!
DEAN No-- that’s not what I meant. My, uh, Dad--
MALE VOICE (O.C.) (yelling) Guest Services to Paul! Do you friggin’ copy?!
Paul quickly grabs the walkie-talkie on the desk and lifts it to his mouth.
9 PAUL (to radio) How many times do I have to tell you not to yell on the goddamn radio, Trevor? Go ahead.
TREVOR (O.C.) Jake and I need your assistance at Mr. Mazzatta’s villa.
PAUL (annoyed) Can it wait? I’m sort of in the middle of an interview right now--
TREVOR (O.C.) (yelling) No, it can’t friggin’ wait! This is Code Blackout!!
PAUL Okay! Stop yelling and calm down, God dammit! I’ll be right there.
DEAN What’s Code Blackout?
Paul stands and attaches the walkie-talkie to his hip.
PAUL We’re about to find out cause I have no fucking clue. Lets roll.
DEAN Oh, I can easily wait here--
PAUL Do you want the fucking job or not, Hollywood?
As Dean contemplates the offer we...
CUT TO:
10 INT. CLUBHOUSE - CONCIERGE DESK - SAME TIME
As Bridget LIGHTLY SNORES in her chair and Cassie types away on her computer, MRS. CHATSWORTH (65), a proper British woman who would have slaves in a heartbeat if it wasn’t considered unethical by the majority of the world, walks up to the desk.
MRS. CHATSWORTH (to Cassie) I have an emergency, darling.
CASSIE (annoyed) Hi, Mrs. Chatsworth. What’s seems to be the problem?
MRS. CHATSWORTH I’d like to watch the telly in my villa, but I need someone to change the channels for me.
CASSIE Is there something wrong with the remote?
MRS. CHATSWORTH No, darling. The remote is fine, but I’m not familiar with the channels here and I refuse to waste my time “surfing” or however you Americans say it.
Paul and Dean enter the room from the office hallway and walk towards the entrance door.
CASSIE You know what, Mrs. Chatsworth? You’re just in luck--
Cassie gestures towards Paul and Dean, who are inches away from walking out the door.
CASSIE (CONT’D) (yelling) Paul’s great with technology!
PAUL (sotto) Fuck.
Paul and Dean stop.
11 DEAN (to Paul) What’s wrong?
Paul quickly turns towards Mrs. Chatsworth.
PAUL Mrs. Chatsworth?! I thought I heard your royal voice from my office!
Paul reluctantly walks towards Mrs. Chatsworth with Dean in tow.
MRS. CHATSWORTH I won’t lie-- it is quite majestic compared to most of the hillbilly accents around these parts.
Paul stops in front of Mrs. Chatsworth, who extends her hand for him to grab.
PAUL Couldn’t have said it any better myself.
As Paul grabs Mrs. Chatsworth’s hand and plants a kiss upon it, Cassie places her index finger inside her own mouth and pretends to gag.
MRS. CHATSWORTH (re: Dean) And who might this dashing, young gentleman be?
Mrs. Chatsworth takes her hand back from Paul and extends it towards Dean for him to kiss.
PAUL Good gracious-- where are my manners?! This is Dean--
Dean quickly steals a glance at Paul and awkwardly kisses Mrs. Chatsworth’s hand.
PAUL (CONT’D) Our newest member of the Guest Services team!
DEAN Nice to meet you, ma’am.
Mrs. Chatsworth takes her hand back and smiles.
MRS. CHATSWORTH Oh, my. You’ll be perfect, darling.
12 DEAN (confused) Excuse me?
Cassie stands.
CASSIE Mrs. Chatsworth needs help with the television in her villa.
DEAN Oh, but I--
MRS. CHATSWORTH Splendid! I shall see you at my villa within the hour, Dean. Ta-Ta.
As Mrs. Chatsworth elegantly strides away towards the BAR AREA ENTRANCE, Dean turns to Paul.
DEAN (whispers) Are you kidding me? I can’t do this! I haven’t even gone through training yet!
PAUL Well, I guess you should consider this part of your training, Hollywood.
CASSIE (confused) Hollywood?
PAUL Dean wrote a movie for Leonardo DiCaprio.
DEAN No--
CASSIE Oh my God! I love Leo! Titanic is my jam!!!
TREVOR (O.C.) (yelling) Trevor to Paul! Do you copy?!
13 PAUL (to Dean) Shit, we gotta go.
Paul quickly yanks the walkie-talkie off his belt and rushes towards the entrance door with Dean reluctantly trailing behind.
PAUL (O.S.) (CONT’D) CASSIE (to walkie-talkie) Welcome to the team, Dean! Stop yelling on the radio, Trevor!
Suddenly, a LOUD FART is heard and Cassie, now disgusted, turns towards Bridget, who continues to sleep in her chair.
INT/EXT. GOLF CART - VILLA NEIGHBORHOOD - DAY
Adobe style villas and the beautiful desert scenery whizz by as Paul drives an employee golf cart along the paved road with Dean in the passenger seat.
DEAN I still don’t think I should be interacting with guests just yet.
PAUL (British accent) Don’t be such a pussy, darling.
DEAN I’m not a pussy-- this just feels like an HR violation waiting to happen.
PAUL Jesus... lighten up, will ya?!
Paul playfully SMACKS Dean in the shoulder.
PAUL (CONT’D) Sure-- I’m throwing you into the deep end of the pool, but guess what? This isn’t the fucking Marriott. Pretty soon you’ll notice that we do things a little different around here and between you and me, there’s not a training manual in existence that could ever prepare you for this kind of job.
DEAN What the hell does that mean?
14 Suddenly, LOUD YELLING is heard.
PAUL Oh, fuck...
Dean follows Paul’s gaze towards the villa ahead, which has 3 HOUSEKEEPING GOLF CARTS parked in the driveway and SIX FEMALE HISPANIC HOUSEKEEPERS, who stand nearby in a circle ARGUING and YELLING at each other in Spanish.
PAUL (CONT’D) That’s the shit-villa I was telling you about. Don’t make eye contact with the housekeepers.
DEAN JUANITA (O.S.) What, why? (screaming) Chinga tu Madre!!!!
As the golf cart passes the villa, JUANITA RUIZ (40), a Hispanic Housekeeping Manager who speaks Spanish and broken English, bolts from her circle of fellow housekeepers with a mop in her hand and runs after the golf cart.
PAUL That’s why!
JUANITA (screaming) You come back here, Paul!!!
Dean and Paul look back at Juanita, who continues to run after them.
DEAN (to Paul) Are you gonna stop?
PAUL Hell no!! They’re fucking pissed!!
JUANITA (screaming) Queremos mas dinero, Paul!!!
Juanita stops in the middle of the road to catch her breath as Paul continues to drive away.
15 JUANITA (CONT’D) (yelling) Mas dinero or no mas trabajo!!!
PAUL God damn! I’ve never seen Juanita run like that! She’s like The Terminator!!
DEAN She said they want more money or they’re gonna quit working.
PAUL Makes sense. They have a lot of shit to clean up, but I guarantee it’s a bluff. (surprised) Wait-- you speak Spanish?
Suddenly, a COYOTE runs into the middle of the street.
DEAN Watch out!!
Paul quickly SLAMS on the brakes.
PAUL DEAN (CONT'D) (yelling) Whoa-- that was close. Fuck you, coyote!!!
The Coyote stops on the edge of the road and stares at Paul and Dean.
PAUL (to Coyote) You heard me, asshole! Take a hike!
As the Coyote runs away, Paul steps on the gas.
PAUL (CONT’D) Word of advice-- always keep an eye out for wild life. You never know when they’re gonna fuck up your day.
EXT. MAZZATTA VILLA - DAY
Paul and Dean’s golf cart pulls into the driveway and parks next to an EXPENSIVE FERRARI and a similar GOLF CART.
16 TREVOR (O.S.) What the heck took so long?!
TREVOR ORMSBY (20), a kind and nerdy man with a slight case of OCD and dressed in a Rocks uniform, rushes out of the villa’s front door with worry written all over his face.
TREVOR (CONT’D) Mr. Mazzatta lost his frickin’ marbles, man!!
Paul and Dean hop out of the golf cart and walk towards Trevor.
PAUL Trevor-- for the love of God, take a fucking chill pill and stop scaring away your new teammate.
Paul gestures towards Dean.
PAUL (CONT’D) TREVOR This is Hollywood. Oh.
Dean extends his hand towards Trevor for a shake.
DEAN (to Trevor) Feel free to call me Dean.
Trevor stares at Dean’s hand in disgust.
DEAN (CONT’D) Is... something wrong?
TREVOR When’s the last time you washed your hands?
DEAN Uh... this morning? After I went to the bathroom.
TREVOR Fantastic.
Trevor shakes Dean’s hand.
TREVOR (CONT’D) You can never be too careful these days.
17 PAUL Okay, now that we got that out of the way-- what’s the big emergency, Trevor?
CUT TO:
INT. MAZZATTA VILLA - LIVING ROOM - DAY
In the center of the well-furnished living room, MR. MAZZATTA (50), an Italian entrepreneur with ties to the mafia, lies unconscious on the floor with a BLOODY GASH on his head and surrounded by BROKEN PIECES OF POTTERY.
PAUL (O.S.) (frightened) Holy. Fucking. Shit.
REVERSE ANGLE - FOYER
Paul, Dean and Trevor stand underneath an elegant chandelier and gaze upon Mr. Mazzatta in the living room.
DEAN (nervous) Is... that guy dead?
PAUL (frightened) What the hell did you stupid fucks do?!
JAKE (O.S.) He tried to kill Trevor.
JAKE MASTERS (25), a proud and strong-willed gay man who loves to be the center of attention, is revealed lying on a huge sofa next to Mr. Mazzatta’s body with a magazine in hand and dressed in a Rocks uniform.
JAKE (CONT’D) So I bashed him in the head with that hideous vase.
END OF ACT ONE
18 ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. MAZZATTA VILLA - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Paul, now crouched down on the floor with a CELL PHONE against his ear, gently touches Mr. Mazzatta’s neck and checks for a pulse.
PAUL (to phone) Yup. He’s still alive. (beat) Sounds good. We’ll be waiting.
Paul stands, pockets his cell phone and turns towards Trevor and Jake, who now sit together on the couch with a PACKAGE lying between them.
PAUL (CONT’D) The cops are on their way, so you two have about five minutes to explain yourselves so I can try to get you out of this.
JAKE Wait-- is someone gonna introduce me to the new cute guy or what?
Jake gestures towards Dean, who still stands in the foyer, clearly still in shock.
PAUL That’s Dean. Your new teammate. You can meet him after you tell me what the fuck happened. Maybe you’ll even work together soon if you don’t go to jail!
DEAN Actually-- uh, I think I’m gonna quit. This is crazy.
PAUL I don’t fucking think so, Dean! You’re not leaving until we get all the facts straight. (to Trevor and Jake) Explain yourselves!
19 TREVOR (to Jake) Do you wanna tell the story?
JAKE Go for it. I’m in the middle of this really good article.
As Jake picks up the magazine on his lap to read, Paul RIPS it out of his hands and THROWS it across the room.
PAUL Now!
TREVOR Okay, okay!
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. CLUBHOUSE - CONCIERGE AREA - DAY - FLASHBACK
Trevor and Jake stand in front of Cassie, who sits at her desk with a PACKAGE in hand and smiling from ear to ear.
TREVOR (V.O.) This morning, a package came for Mr. Mazzatta and the concierge asked us to bring it to his villa-- like they always do when they’re too busy.
As Cassie hands Trevor the package, Jake rolls his eyes.
JAKE (V.O.) Busy my ass. Lazy bitches.
CUT TO:
EXT. MAZZATTA VILLA - DAY - FLASHBACK
Jake, now driving a GOLF CART with Trevor in the passenger seat, pulls into the driveway and parks next to the FERRARI.
20 TREVOR (V.O.) Apparently-- Mr. Mazzatta had been anticipating this package and said the door would be open and we could just walk inside and drop it off.
CUT TO:
INT. MAZZATTA VILLA - FOYER - DAY - FLASHBACK
With the door wide open, Jake and Trevor walk into the villa.
TREVOR (V.O.) Sure enough-- when we got here, the door was wide open, but when we walked inside...
Mr. Mazzatta jumps out from behind the door, clearly yells “Not today, motherfuckers” and lunges towards Trevor and Jake with his arms outstretched.
TREVOR (V.O.) Mr. Mazzatta popped out from behind the door and said, “Not today, motherfuckers” and then proceeded to kill us.
CUT TO:
INT. MAZZATTA VILLA - LIVING ROOM - DAY - FLASHBACK
Trevor, eyes bulging and scared as hell, struggles to breathe as Mr. Mazzatta chokes him with his bare hands.
JAKE (O.S.) Technically, he just tried to kill Trevor.
Mr. Mazzatta forces Trevor onto the ground and continues to choke the life out of him.
TREVOR (V.O.) He tried strangling me to death and the worst part is- - I’m pretty sure the guy doesn’t even wash his hands. I feel so dirty.
JAKE (V.O.) And that’s why I had to go Gay-son Bourne on that greasy guido’s ass.
21 Jake, now with a LARGE VASE in his hands and smiling like a maniac, runs up behind Mr. Mazzatta and SHATTERS it over his head.
END OF FLASHBACK
BACK TO:
INT. MAZZATTA VILLA - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Paul, now with his jaw slightly dropped, stares at Jake and Trevor in disbelief.
PAUL Mr. Mazzatta tried to kill you? Do you know how that sounds?
TREVOR (defensive) I think he thought we were someone else, but it’s totally true!
PAUL I hope it is for your sake cause the cops are gonna want some proof. You guys look guilty as fuck.
Trevor lowers his polo collar and reveals BRUISE MARKS around his neck.
TREVOR Is that proof enough for you?
DEAN PAUL Holy. Shit. Yeah, that should probably do it.
DEAN Alrighty then, guys!
Paul, Trevor and Jake turns towards Dean.
DEAN (CONT’D) Now that it looks like the “facts” are all out in the open, I’m, uh, definitely still going to quit. So, uh-- take care, and good luck with everything.
Dean walks towards the front door.
PAUL Dean, wait!
22 Dean opens the front door and stops.
PAUL (CONT’D) A guy as smart and talented as you would never apply for a job like this if there wasn’t a good reason. Now, I don’t give a flying fuck what that reason is, but after interviewing several other shitty dudes, I know for a fact that I need someone like you on our team. Someone that’s level headed and can help keep these idiots in line when I’m not around. I mean, lets not kid ourselves, we all know I’m bound to have a heart attack sooner or later.
TREVOR JAKE Definitely. Totes.
PAUL So, what do you say? Give this place a chance, and who knows... maybe your time at The Rocks will help inspire you to write a new DiCaprio film?!
DEAN (yelling) God dammit-- will you stop bringing up, DiCaprio?! I. Don’t. Know. Him!
Dean walks out the front door.
PAUL Well-- screw you too, Hollywood!!!
JAKE (confused) DiCaprio?
PAUL I guess they used to be best friends and wrote movies together.
TREVOR JAKE Wow. For realsies?!
PAUL Huge falling out. He clearly still hasn’t gotten over it.
23 EXT. VILLA NEIGHBORHOOD - ROAD - DAY
As Dean walks along the side of the road, THREE COP CARS, with LIGHTS FLASHING and SIRENS BLARING, drive past him and head in the direction of Mr. Mazzatta’s villa.
Suddenly, a PHONE RINGS and Dean stops in his tracks.
Dean reaches into his pocket, takes out a CELL PHONE and looks at the screen.
INSERT - PHONE SCREEN
“Incoming call - Mom”
BACK TO SCENE
As Dean silences the call and places the phone back in his pocket, a DEEP GROWL is heard from the desert on his right hand side.
Dean slowly turns towards the direction of the growl and gazes upon the same Coyote from earlier.
DEAN You’ve gotta be kidding me.
The Coyote GROWLS once more and bares its FANGS.
DEAN (CONT’D) Can’t a guy just quit?
As the Coyote takes a step forward, Dean quickly turns and runs in the opposite direction.
The Coyote chases after Dean, who SCREAMS and runs into--
EXT. DESERT - CONTINUOUS
A TRAIL OF DUST is kicked up as The Coyote continues to chase Dean through the desert.
Dean weaves in and out of various cacti and beelines towards a nearby VILLA.
EXT. VILLA - CONTINUOUS
SCREAMING and sweating profusely, Dean bolts out of the desert with the Coyote trailing behind and runs towards the front door of the villa.
24 DEAN (screaming) Help!!
Dean TRIPS and FALLS to the ground on his stomach.
Dean quickly rolls onto his back and gazes upon the Coyote, now slowly walking towards him.
PAUL (V.O.) Always keep an eye out for wildlife. You never know when they’re gonna fuck up your day.
DEAN (whispers) Ain’t that the truth.
Suddenly, a LOUD GUN SHOT sends the Coyote SCURRYING back into the desert.
Dean quickly sits up and turns towards Mrs. Chatsworth, who stands behind him with a SMOKING RIFLE in her hands.
DEAN (CONT’D) (confused) Mrs. Chatsworth?
MRS. CHATSWORTH Took you long enough, darling!
INT. MAZZATTA’S VILLA - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Mr. Mazzatta, now fully conscious and standing in HANDCUFFS, is pushed towards the foyer by OFFICER MARTINEZ (30s).
MR. MAZZATTA I’m tellin’ the truth. Someone’s tryin’ to kill me!
Officer Martinez stops and gestures towards Paul, Trevor and Jake, who all stand behind the couch.
OFFICER MARTINEZ And you thought these employees were your killers?
PAUL For the record, I was not apart of this in any way.
25 OFFICER MARTINEZ (to Paul) You’re here right now, aren’t you?
TREVOR JAKE He’s got a point. Aw snap! Mic drop!
Paul FRUSTRATINGLY SIGHS.
MR. MAZZATTA Listen! In my line of business, if someone says they’re delivering you a package, 95% of the time they’re gonna try to take ya out. I’m a Mazzatta-- we never go down without a fight and I did what I had to do!
OFFICER GOLD (O.S.) Found something!
OFFICER GOLD (30s), holding a CUSTOM GUN in hand, enters the room from the hallway that leads to the bedrooms.
OFFICER GOLD (CONT’D) (re: gun) Looks like Soprano here was holding out on us.
MR. MAZZATTA Gimme a break-- this is Arizona! I got a permit for that.
OFFICER GOLD Oh, I’m sorry-- I actually meant this big bag of cocaine.
With the other hand, Officer Gold reveals a BIG BAG OF COCAINE and Mr. Mazzatta SIGHS in defeat.
OFFICER MARTINEZ (to Mr. Mazzatta) Say goodbye, Scarface.
Officer Martinez and Officer Gold walk Mr. Mazzatta towards the foyer and out the front door.
TREVOR (yelling) Hope you enjoyed your stay with us at The Rocks!
26 PAUL (to Trevor and Jake) You guys better thank your lucky fucking stars this worked out the way it did.
JAKE Is it just me or is anyone else in the mood for a little blow?
END OF ACT TWO
27 ACT THREE
FADE IN:
INT. MRS. CHATSWORTH’S VILLA - KITCHEN - DAY
Standing in front of the flat top stove, Dean grabs a WHISTLING TEA KETTLE and pours it’s contents into TWO MUGS resting on the marble counter top.
INT. MRS. CHATSWORTH’S VILLA - LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Fully mesmerized and sitting on the sofa with her legs crossed, Mrs. Chatsworth watches Die Hard on the HUGE FLAT SCREEN TV, which hangs on the wall across from her.
DEAN (O.S.) Here’s your tea, ma’am.
Dean, with two mugs of tea in hand, enters the living room and walks towards Mrs. Chatsworth, who’s fixated on the TV.
MRS. CHATSWORTH Did you add honey?
DEAN Yep. Just like you demanded, ma’am.
MRS. CHATSWORTH Brilliant-- set it on the table and take a seat, darling.
Dean places both mugs of tea on the coffee table, which lies directly in front of the sofa.
MRS. CHATSWORTH (CONT’D) This film you chose is absolutely magnificent.
Dean LAUGHS and sits down in the ARMCHAIR, which lies adjacent to the sofa.
DEAN I had a feeling a royal gunslinger like yourself would love it. It’s an action classic.
For the first time, Mrs. Chatsworth stops watching the film and looks at Dean.
28 MRS. CHATSWORTH When I was a child, my father took my siblings and I to the cinema once. I can remember like it was yesterday-- magical experience.
DEAN Just once?
MRS. CHATSWORTH Unfortunately, he died on the way home.
DEAN (shocked) Jesus. What happened?
Mrs. Chatsworth picks up here tea from the table and takes a sip.
MRS. CHATSWORTH Heart attack.
DEAN While he was driving? Did you guys get hurt?
MRS. CHATSWORTH Heavens, no! The car was still in park.
DEAN Oh. I’m... sorry to hear that.
MRS. CHATSWORTH Thank you, darling, but the point is... I believe my father would have loved this film. He’s the reason I know my way around a gun.
DEAN I actually watched Die Hard with my Dad for the first time when I was a kid.
MRS. CHATSWORTH DEAN (CONT'D) Really?! Well-- I was supposed to be in bed, but I couldn’t sleep and when I walked into the living room-- there he was, just watching John McClane killing terrorists with the biggest smile on his face.
Mrs. Chatsworth LAUGHS.
29 MRS. CHATSWORTH The thought of killing terrorists brings a smile to my face as well.
DEAN (ignoring Mrs. Chatsworth) He probably shouldn’t have even let me watch this kind of stuff at that age, but when he saw me standing there-- he just patted the couch cushion next to him like he’d been expecting me or something. After that night, movies became my life.
MRS. CHATSWORTH Do you still watch films together? You and your father?
DEAN No. Not anymore. He died a few weeks ago and... long story short, now I’m here.
MRS. CHATSWORTH I see. Well, on that depressing note--
Mrs. Chatsworth lifts her mug of tea in the air.
MRS. CHATSWORTH (CONT’D) Here’s to our fathers, darling.
Dean grabs his mug of tea off the coffee table and lifts it up in the air.
DEAN To our fathers.
Dean takes a sip of his tea.
MRS. CHATSWORTH And Die Hard.
Dean SPITS out his tea.
INT. CLUBHOUSE - CONCIERGE AREA - DAY
MR. WALLACE (O.S.) (pissed) What do you mean Housekeeping hasn’t cleaned our villa yet?
30 At the concierge desk, Cassie sits across from MR. TOM WALLACE (45), a debonair businessman with a smile that could melt a glacier, and TWO FOREIGN WOMEN (20s) who stand directly behind him.
MR. WALLACE (CONT’D) I was told it’d be ready by now. What is this?! The fucking Marriott?!
CASSIE I understand you’re upset, Sir--
MR. WALLACE Of course I’m upset! It’s my three month anniversary with my girlfriends today and this is how we’re treated?!
CASSIE Our Housekeepers died!!
MR. WALLACE (shocked) Wait-- what?
CASSIE They died-- well, most of them did. In a terrible accident.
MR. WALLACE Oh my God-- what happened?
CASSIE A, uh...
Suddenly, the front entrance door SWINGS open and Cassie quickly glances at Paul, Jake and Trevor walking into the room.
CASSIE (CONT’D) Man and his... two sons...
Paul, Jake and Trevor all give Cassie the MIDDLE FINGER as they walk towards the office hallway.
CASSIE (CONT’D) Gave them the finger.
MR. WALLACE Gave them the finger?
31 As Paul, Jake and Trevor disappear, Cassie snaps out of it.
CASSIE Yeah, you know--
Cassie flips off Mr. Wallace with her middle finger.
CASSIE (CONT’D) Flipped them the bird and then uh... raped them... to death.
MR. WALLACE Holy shit! Seriously? Wow-- I feel like such an asshole now.
CASSIE It’s okay, Mr. Wallace. You didn’t know.
MR. WALLACE Raped to death... Jesus.
Mr. Wallace stands.
MR. WALLACE (CONT’D) Please tell the surviving ladies to take their time and that we’re sorry for their loss.
Mr. Wallace wraps his arms around both Foreign Women.
MR. WALLACE (CONT’D) We’ll have some drinks in the bar.
CASSIE Perfect! Champagne’s on us!
Mr. Wallace and the Foreign Girls walk towards the bar area entrance.
CASSIE (CONT’D) Happy three month anniversary!!
Cassie SLAMS her head on the computer keyboard.
BRIDGET (O.S.) Jesus, Cassie.
Cassie lifts her head and looks at Bridget, who stares at her in disbelief from her chair.
32 BRIDGET (CONT’D) You should be ashamed of yourself.
CASSIE Oh, so now you decide to wake up?!
INT. CLUBHOUSE - SUPERVISOR’S OFFICE - DAY
At the desk, Paul sits across from Trevor and Jake, who flip through RESUMES.
JAKE Resumes should have pictures. Who gives a shit about experience? I wanna know if these boys are sexy.
PAUL Just what we need-- a new, sexy co-worker that hands Jake a restraining order.
TREVOR Why do we even need to hire someone else?
JAKE Is that a joke? We’ve been working our asses off ever since Rod--
Suddenly, Paul ANGRILY BANGS his fists upon the table.
PAUL What did I say about mentioning that motherfucker’s name in my presence?!
JAKE TREVOR Sorry. That it’s forbidden cause it reminds you of the fact he slept with your wife.
As Paul’s face washes over with pure anger, Jake nervously glances at Trevor.
TREVOR (CONT’D) Which actually makes him a wife-fucker, not a motherfucker.
Paul SCREAMS, picks up a STAPLER off the desk and furiously chucks it over Trevor’s head.
33 CASSIE (O.S.) Knock knock--
As Cassie opens the door and peers into the office, the stapler EXPLODES against the wall adjacent to her face.
CASSIE (CONT’D) Jesus!
Paul, Trevor and Jake turn towards Cassie, who nervously walks into the room.
CASSIE (CONT’D) I come in peace!!
PAUL What the hell do you want, Cassie? Can’t you see that we’re fucking busy right now?!
CASSIE Nope! Color me blind, boys-- cause we’ve got a serious problemo on our hands.
JAKE No shit, woman!!
Jake picks up a resume and lifts it in the air.
JAKE (CONT’D) We might end up working side by side with an ugly- ass troll cause for some odd reason-- resumes don’t have a sexy profile picture section in the year 2017!
CASSIE (confused; to Paul) Resumes? I thought you hired Dean?
EXT. MRS. CHATSWORTH’S VILLA - DAY
On the front porch, Dean and Mrs. Chatsworth stand face to face.
MRS. CHATSWORTH Thank you for a marvelous afternoon, Dean.
DEAN My pleasure, Mrs. Chatsworth.
34 MRS. CHATSWORTH I won’t lie, I somewhat despise every single person that works at this resort.
Mrs. Chatsworth places a hand on Dean’s shoulder.
MRS. CHATSWORTH (CONT’D) But you, Dean... are different.
DEAN Stop it, Mrs. Chatsworth-- you’re gonna make me blush.
MRS. CHATSWORTH For your services.
With her other hand, Mrs. Chatsworth hands Dean a WAD OF MONEY.
DEAN Oh. I really can’t take that from--
MRS. CHATSWORTH Don’t be a fucking moron, darling. You work here, which clearly means you need this more than I do.
Dean takes the money and smiles.
DEAN Touché, Mrs. Chatsworth. Thanks.
Dean turns to walk away.
MRS. CHATSWORTH And, Dean?
Dean stops in his tracks and looks over his shoulder.
MRS. CHATSWORTH (CONT’D) Don’t forget-- I expect you to bring over Die Hard 2 the next time I’m in town.
DEAN Yes, ma’am. It’s a date.
As Dean turns away and continues to walk down the driveway, Mrs. Chatsworth stares at him with a determined look in her eye.
35 MRS. CHATSWORTH (devious) And that’s when Mrs. Shags-worth shall come out to play...
EXT. MCGREGOR VILLA - DAY
In the driveway, Juanita and SEVERAL HOUSEKEEPERS sit together in a circle on the ground while holding hands.
In Spanish, they all SING “We Are the Champions” by Queen.
ALL HOUSEKEEPERS (in Spanish; subtitled) We are the Champions my friend.
Two GOLF CARTS pull into the driveway.
ALL HOUSEKEEPERS (CONT’D) (in Spanish; subtitled) We’ll keep on fighting till the end!!
PAUL (O.S.) (screaming) God dammit, Juanita!!
As the singing comes to a halt, Paul, Cassie, Jake and Trevor hop out of the golf carts and walk towards Juanita and The Housekeepers.
PAUL (CONT’D) What the fuck are you ladies doing?! The villas need to be cleaned!!
JUANITA Queremos mas dinero or no trabajo, Paul!!
The Housekeepers CHEER.
PAUL Stop cheering!! I don’t understand a word you’re saying right now!!
CASSIE I’m pretty sure she just said something about Robert Deniro.
36 JUANITA No!!
Juanita stands and walks towards Paul, Cassie, Trevor and Jake.
JUANITA (CONT’D) Dinero-- money!! We want raise!
Jake LAUGHS.
JAKE Welcome to the club, Juanita!
Juanita shoves Jake in the chest.
JAKE (CONT’D) JUANITA What the hell, bitch?! (to Jake) You don’t clean shit for a living, joto! It’s horrible!
PAUL (to Juanita) Listen-- I know you’re all pissed about the McGregor poop-sex party, okay?! I get it-- I would be too, but I’m pretty fucking sure going on strike and demanding a raise when most of your girls are illegal immigrants might not be the best way to solve your problem!!
CASSIE JUANITA Wow, Paul. Wow. Then we all quit!!!
DEAN (O.S.) Need some help?!
Juanita, Paul, Cassie, Trevor and Jake all turn towards Dean, who walks in their direction.
TREVOR JAKE Look what the bobcat dragged in... The sexy prodigal son returns!!
PAUL What the fuck are you still doing here, Hollywood? I thought you quit?!
Dean stops in front of the group.
37 DEAN Are you kidding? I definitely quit. This place is fucking insane and one of your guests went full-on Goodfellas by trying to murder Trevor with his bare hands--
CASSIE TREVOR (confused) (disgusted) Wait, what? Such dirty hands.
DEAN But guess what?! You were right, Paul!! This isn’t the fucking Marriott, and after Mrs. Chatsworth saved me from a rabid coyote--
PAUL CASSIE Come again? (shocked) Wait, what?!
DEAN I realized crazy shit’s bound to happen at a private resort where the richest people in the world come to blow off steam-- and if I’m being completely honest with myself, I think this could be the creative blessing-in-disguise that I desperately need right now.
CASSIE JAKE (sotto) This speech is taking forever. What the hell does that mean?
DEAN It means that if you guys are willing to give me a second chance... I’d like to join the team.
JUANITA Hey pendejos-- forget about Housekeeping?!
The group turns towards Juanita.
PAUL Fuck. I actually did for a second.
DEAN JUANITA I got this. Mas dinero or no trabajo!
38 Dean pulls out Mrs. Chatsworth’s MONEY from his pocket and walks towards Juanita.
DEAN (in Spanish; subtitled) Hi, friend.
Dean hands the money to Juanita, who takes it in shock.
DEAN (CONT’D) (in Spanish; subtitled) Please split this with the girls and get back to work. Now.
Juanita grabs the money, quickly counts it and smiles.
JUANITA Yes, señor!
Juanita turns towards the Housekeepers and holds the money in the air.
JUANITA (CONT’D) (in Spanish; subtitled) We did it, girls!!
As The Housekeepers CHEER and jump to their feet, Dean turns back towards Paul, Jake, Trevor and Cassie, who are all clearly in shock.
PAUL (to Dean) Holy shit-- did you pay her off?!
DEAN Mrs. Chatsworth gave me a nice tip and I figured it’d be worth a shot.
TREVOR CASSIE Smart thinking, Dean! Seriously?! That royal bitch never gives tips!!
PAUL And that’s why we need a guy like you on the team, Hollywood.
Paul extends his hand out for a shake.
39 PAUL (CONT’D) Welcome back.
Dean shakes Paul hands.
PAUL (CONT’D) But be honest. Did you fuck Mrs. Chatsworth for money?!
DEAN No, that’s gross!
JAKE PAUL (excited) It’s okay if you did. We won’t be mad and OMG-- are you gay?! I guarantee it’d make a great scene in one of your movies for DiCaprio.
Dean FRUSTRATINGLY SIGHS as we...
SMASH TO BLACK.
END OF PILOT
40 WISH GRANTERS
FADE IN:
EXT. LOS ANGELES - DOWNTOWN SKYLINE - DAY
A familiar and beautiful sight. The sun shines upon DOZENS OF SKYSCRAPERS that reach up towards the smog-filled heavens.
A HELICOPTER flies around this beacon for dreamers.
EXT. LOS ANGELES - STREET - DAY
Various VEHICLES drive along the street, lined with palm trees and fancy houses.
Suddenly, an obnoxious ORANGE LAMBORGHINI ZOOMS into frame, weaving in and out of law abiding vehicles at a dangerous speed.
JULIAN (PRE-LAP) Watch out, bitches!!
INT/EXT. ORANGE LAMBORGHINI - CONTINUOUS
JULIAN FOX (25), the real-life version of Bruce Wayne, but less broody, more douchey and with zero aspirations to save the world, wears a pair of HIGH-TECH SUNGLASSES and grips the steering wheel tight with LEATHER RACING GLOVES.
JULIAN (CONT’D) (excited) There’s a new Vin Diesel in town!!! A much sexier, wealthier and... awesomer Vin Diesel!!
LAMBO (O.S.) (robotic female voice) Awesome-er is not a word, Julian.
JULIAN (pissed) God dammit, Lambo!!
As Julian continues to drive like a maniac, he nervously looks around the vehicle like he’s being watched.
JULIAN (CONT’D) How many times do I have to tell you not to interact with me while I’m street racing for justice?!
41 That’s right, LAMBO is the rich man’s Siri for Lamborghini owners.
LAMBO (O.S.) I’m sorry, Julian. If you are dissatisfied with my help, please go to settings and turn off your Lamborghini’s personal digital assistant--
JULIAN Will you just shut the hell up and play some kick-ass music already?!
Suddenly, a haunting song by Enya blasts through the speakers as the vehicle zooms towards a HOLLYWOOD FREEWAY ENTRANCE SIGN.
JULIAN (CONT’D) This isn’t kick-ass, Lambo!! Vin Diesel would never street race to Enya!!
LAMBO (O.S.) Actually, after scouring the internet, I found an interview from 2012 where Vin Diesel declares his love for fast cars, extreme sports, bitches, family, coronas and Enya--
JULIAN Rock N’ Roll, Lambo!! For the love of God-- play some kick-ass Rock N’ Roll!!
Suddenly, Enya changes to Paradise City by Guns N’ Roses and Julian’s anger immediately dissolves into pure joy.
JULIAN (CONT’D) Hell yeah!! That’s more like it!!
With his hand, Julian CLICKS the TIPTRONIC CONTROL BUTTON next to the steering wheel, SLAMS his foot on the gas and dangerously turns onto the...
HOLLYWOOD FREEWAY RAMP
LAMBO (O.S.) I highly recommend slowing down, sir. Police vehicles are nearby.
Ignoring Lambo, Julian drives up the freeway ramp and onto the...
HOLLYWOOD FREEWAY
42 JULIAN (singing) Take me down to the very last city, where the grass is green and the girls are prettaayy!! Oh won’t you please take me ho--
Suddenly, the music stops and a PHONE RINGS throughout the vehicle as Julian continues to weave through TRAFFIC.
JULIAN (CONT’D) (sotto) Oh, for fuck’s sake.
The TV SCREEN within the dashboard lights up.
INSERT - TV SCREEN
“Incoming Call - Dickhead”
BACK TO SCENE
The volume of the PHONE RING decreases.
LAMBO (O.S.) Incoming call from your father, sir.
JULIAN (to Lambo) No shit, Sherlock!! I know how to read in five different languages!!
LAMBO (O.S.) You could have fooled me, sir.
JULIAN (Spanish; subtitled) What the fuck did you just say to me, Lambo?!
LAMBO (O.S.) Answering the phone, sir.
JULIAN (annoyed) What?! No, that’s now what I--
The phone stops ringing and a LOUD DING signifies a connection.
43 DICK (O.C.) (outraged) Julian?!?!
JULIAN Hey Daddio!! How’s humanitarian life?! You guys pumped to save some fucking lives in Africa or what?!
INTERCUT WITH:
INT/EXT. PRIVATE JET - SAME TIME
Through the open windows, clouds whizz by as RICHARD “DICK” FOX (60), a multi billionaire and the world’s most famous silver-fox philanthropist, sits in a leather recliner with a PHONE to his ear and anger written all over his face.
DICK What in God’s name do you think you’re doing, Julian?!
JULIAN Oh, you know... just enjoying a nice afternoon with Lambo and thinking about grabbing a bite to eat downtown. Everyone’s raving about this new secret sushi place that serves Great White Shark--
DICK Don’t lie to me, dammit!!
JULIAN I know... it was hard for me to believe at first too, but it’s true! They serve Jaws for lunch and dinner!
DIANNA (O.S.) (screaming) Why do you keep acting this way, Julian?!
Standing across from Dick, DIANNA FOX (60), a kind, nurturing British woman and the other half of the world’s most famous Philanthropic Fox duo, CRIES while watching a NEWS BROADCAST on the FLAT SCREEN TV attached to the wall.
44 DIANNA (CONT’D) (screaming) Whyyyyyyyyy?!
JULIAN (worried) Mom!! What’s wrong?! Scream one more time if Dad’s trying to murder you!!
DICK I’m not murdering your mother, you idiot!! We’re watching the God damn news-- she’s hysterical!!!
JULIAN OH MY GOD! The Queen of England finally died?! Tell Mom I’m so sorry! I know they were BFFs--
DICK Cut the shit, Julian!! We’re watching you on the news!!
INSERT - FLAT SCREEN TV
On the TV, SIX POLICE VEHICLES chase after a familiar-looking orange Lamborghini, which weaves through traffic on the freeway like a maniac.
A news banner at the bottom of the screen reads: “Breaking: Julian Fox leads police on high-speed chase.”
BACK TO SCENE
JULIAN (excited) Oh, snap!!! My street race is fucking televised?!
Julian quickly looks over his shoulder and glances at the POLICE VEHICLES trailing behind him.
JULIAN (CONT’D) I don’t wanna brag, but I’m smoking this asshole right now.
DICK You’re certainly smoking something, Julian! This isn’t a street race, God dammit-- it’s a fucking high- speed chase with the LAPD!!!
45 JULIAN Oh, give me a break! That’s what the media wants you to think! This is just another one of those fabricated stories that’s designed to get clicks, turn the public against me and make our family look bad!!
DICK (screaming) Don’t you dare blame this on the media, Julian-- you’ve been making our family look bad all by yourself since the day you were born!!!
DIANNA JULIAN (pointed) Ouch, Dad. OUCH. Dick!! That’s enough!!
DICK I’m... sorry. That was out of line--
JULIAN Too late now, Dick. Cat’s out of the fucking bag!
Julian HONKS the HORN and quickly SWERVES the Lamborghini around a SLOW TRUCK.
DICK Julian-- listen to me. You’re an extremely bright young man with so much potential for greatness, yet you consistently use your time acting like...
JULIAN A sexier, wealthier and awesomer Vin Diesel.
DICK A fucking moron.
Julian SIGHS.
DICK (CONT’D) When we get back from Africa, you and I are going to sit down and have a serious chat about your place in the world and what it means to be a Fox.
Julian SIGHS LOUDER.
46 DICK (CONT’D) Your way of life is unacceptable and drastic changes will be made upon our return if you want to remain an integral part of this--
JULIAN Lambo!! End call!!
The call drops and Paradise City by Guns N’ Roses resumes playing at a low volume.
JULIAN (CONT’D) (sotto) “What it means to be a Fox?!” I’ll show that dickhead what it means to be a Fox!!!
Julian flashes his trademark cocky smile, CLICKS the TIPTRONIC CONTROL BUTTON with his hand and SLAMS on the gas pedal.
CUT TO:
INT. COURTROOM - DAY
Incessant BANGING of the gavel is heard under the ANGRY YELLING from DOZENS OF POLICE OFFICERS, who all sit in the GALLERY.
CHYRON: One Week Later
JUDGE FARLEY (O.S.) Order!! Order in the court!!
As the chaos continues, Julian, now dressed in orange prison garb and still smiling like a cocky bastard, is revealed sitting at the DEFENDANT’S TABLE next to MONTE CALLAHAN (75), a frail and wizened lawyer.
JUDGE FARLEY (O.S.) (CONT’D) I want order!!
Across from Julian, JUDGE TERESA FARLEY (40), an intimidating woman ready for retirement, continues to BANG her GAVEL on the JUDGE’S BENCH.
JUDGE FARLEY (CONT’D) JULIAN Order in the court!!! (yelling) Yeah, Gutierrez--
47 Julian looks over his shoulder and locks eyes with OFFICER GUTIERREZ (30), a stocky little man with the attitude of a pitbull, who YELLS from his seat in the front row of the gallery.
JULIAN (CONT’D) Quit crying like a sore loser and show some respect to your Honor!!
Officer Gutierrez jumps to his feet and lunges towards the RAILING that separates himself from Julian.
JUDGE FARLEY (O.S.) OFFICER GUTIERREZ (screaming) (to Julian) That’s enough!! Fuck you, bitch!
TWO POLICE OFFICERS quickly grab Officer Gutierrez by the shoulders and struggle to hold him in place.
OFFICER GUTIERREZ (CONT’D) You ruined my fucking life!!!
Judge Farley stands and ferociously chucks her gavel, which WHIZZES over the gallery and SMACKS against the back wall.
JUDGE FARLEY I swear to God...
As silence settles over the room and the Police Officers take their seats, Judge Farley reaches into a hidden pocket on her robe, takes out another GAVEL and lifts it in the air.
JUDGE FARLEY (CONT’D) The next person who speaks in my courtroom without raising their hand gets my backup gavel straight to the dome! Understood?!
As everyone in the room nods their head in the affirmative, Judge Farley quickly takes her seat and gestures towards BAILIFF TOM (40), a gargantuan man with a club bouncer vibe, who stands between the bench and the empty PLAINTIFF TABLE with a POWERED-UP FLAT SCREEN TV ON WHEELS at his side.
JUDGE FARLEY (CONT’D) Proceed, Bailiff.
Bailiff Tom presses a button on the DVD PLAYER below the TV.
INSERT - VIDEO ON FLAT SCREEN TV
48 From the first person perspective, we are now experiencing life through Julian’s high- tech sunglasses as he HAPPILY WHISTLES behind the wheel of his Lamborghini at a red light.
OFFICER GUTIERREZ (O.S.) Cool car, faggot!!
Suddenly, the whistling stops and Julian’s gaze turns towards Officer Gutierrez, who smirks like an asshole from the passenger side of a POLICE CAR with his hand out the window.
JULIAN (O.S.) OFFICER GUTIERREZ (CONT'D) (confused) Hey-- how many dicks do you suck in that Excuse-- fag mobile each day? 2, 5 or a million dicks?
As Officer Gutierrez MANIACALLY LAUGHS at his own joke, Julian’s gaze quickly turns back towards the steering wheel, which he grips with his leather gloved hands.
JULIAN (O.S.) Lambo-- am I dreaming or is this clueless, joke of a police officer actually trying to disrespect our sexual orientation right now?!
LAMBO (O.C.) OFFICER GUTIERREZ (O.S.) This is not a dream, Julian. What the fuck did you just say, faggot?!
Julian’s gaze aggressively turns back towards Officer Gutierrez.
JULIAN (O.S.) I think you heard me loud and clear, Officer Homophobe!!
OFFICER GUTIERREZ JULIAN (O.S.) (CONT'D) (surprised; offended) This isn’t a goddamn dream and you’re a Did you-- disgrace to law enforcement everywhere!!
Pissed, Officer Gutierrez attempts to get out of his vehicle.
JULIAN (O.S.) (CONT’D) Prepare to choke on Lambo’s fumes cause I hereby challenge your hate-filled ass to a street racing duel in honor of the LGBTQ community!!
49 As Officer Gutierrez hops out of the car with a hand on his gun, Julian’s gaze snaps back towards the green light.
BACK TO SCENE
As Bailiff Tom turns off the TV, Julian quickly looks over his shoulder at a seething Officer Gutierrez and winks.
JUDGE FARLEY Now... Mr. Fox-- even though you were originally charged with ten counts of “tampering with a vehicle” for your extremely reckless behavior, this newly released video footage has not only gone viral and inspired millions of people to protest until you’re released from custody, but has forced me to reassess this case and make a decision that I don’t take--
OFFICER GUTIERREZ (O.S.) Fuck this bullshit!!
As Judge Farley CRAZILY BANGS her gavel on the bench, all eyes turn towards Officer Gutierrez, who jumps to his feet and points a finger at Julian.
JUDGE FARLEY OFFICER GUTIERREZ (CONT'D) Order!!! This rich, punk-ass bitch broke the law clear as day, but now he’s gonna get a slap on the wrist and I’m the asshole people wanna crucify cause of a video he secretly filmed like a fucking creep?!
Without warning, Judge Farley chucks her gavel at Officer Gutierrez, who quickly ducks as it WHOOSHES over his head and flies over the gallery towards the back of the room.
JUDGE FARLEY JULIAN What the hell did I say about my hand- (annoyed) raising rules, Mr. Gutierrez?! Oh-- come on, your Honor!!
Julian quickly grabs his high-tech sunglasses, which lie on the table in front of Monte, and jumps to his feet.
JUDGE FARLEY JULIAN (CONT'D) (sotto; irritated) It’s pretty obvious that Officer Gutierrez Jesus-- believes he can save face by calling me a perverted Peeping Tom, but we all know the truth--
50 Julian holds up his high-tech sunglasses in the air and turns towards Officer Gutierrez.
JULIAN (CONT’D) He’s just a sad, little homophobe who thought he could get away with spewing hateful beliefs on the day I was rocking some new GoPro Shades that are super fucking awesome and don’t hit the market for another two years!!
With murder in his eyes, Officer Gutierrez SCREAMS and lunges towards the railing that separates himself from Julian.
JUDGE FARLEY JULIAN (CONT'D) (frustrated) (to Officer Gutierrez) Bailiff-- Bring it--
Suddenly, Officer Gutierrez trips on his shoelace and CRACKS his head hard on the railing, which instantly drops him to the floor like an unconscious sack of potatoes.
JULIAN (CONT’D) (ecstatic) The Court Gods have spoken!!
Julian quickly spins around towards Monte, wraps an arm around his neck and gives him a rough noogie with his fist.
JULIAN (CONT’D) This case is closed, baby!!
JUDGE FARLEY Not so fast, Mr. Fox!
Slightly confused, Julian releases a dazed Monte.
JUDGE FARLEY (CONT’D) The only God around here is me and I’m not finished with you just yet.
JULIAN Your Honor-- I’m so glad you feel that way cause I’m definitely not finished with you either. What do you say we keep this party going at my place over a nice bottle of wine and some Great White Shark?
CUT TO:
51 EXT. COURTHOUSE - STEPS - LATER
At the base of the steps, Julian, now angry and wearing a tailored suit, stands in front of SEVERAL REPORTERS, their CAMERAMEN and DOZENS OF CRAZED FANS.
REPORTER #1 Mr. Fox! How does it feel to be a free man?!
JULIAN Listen here, buddy--
Julian rips the microphone out of Reporter #1’s hand and lifts it to his own mouth.
JULIAN (CONT’D) I don’t know where your news organization gets their information from, but I’m not a free man!
REPORTER #2 Mr. Fox! Can you please elaborate?! You look pretty free to me!
JULIAN As many of you know, last week I made a cinematic masterpiece that not only shined a light on the homophobic issues that still plague our great nation, but also proved once and for all that the Fast & Furious franchise can easily tackle serious issues such as these before they inevitably go to space!!
REPORTER #1 Can I have my microphone back?
JULIAN (ignoring reporter) You’d think I’d be rewarded with golden medals, waterfalls of champagne and a romantic date with my sexy Judge, but no-- my courageous actions were “selfish at heart” and put “countless lives in danger”-- blah, blah, blah.
REPORTER #2 I’m confused. You still look free--
52 JULIAN (end of the world) I’ve been sentenced to full-time community service with the Grant A Wish Foundation!!!
REPORTER #1 REPORTER #2 (impatient) Mr. Fox-- shouldn’t you be happy about Can I please have my microphone back? that outcome? Many people still think you should be rotting in prison.
JULIAN (to Reporter #2) Are you joking?! I’m being forced to hang out with dying children 5 days a week!!! That is a prison sentence!!
THE WHOLE SCENE FREEZES AND WE SLOWLY PULL BACK TO REVEAL...
INT. FOX MALIBU ESTATE - LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Julian, with a GLASS OF BOURBON in one hand and a REMOTE CONTROL in the other, lounges on a huge leather couch and contemplatively stares at his frozen face plastered across a FLATSCREEN TV, which covers an entire wall.
CAL (O.S.) And the Academy Award for Best Meltdown goes to...
JULIAN Leave me alone, Cal!
As Julian sets down the remote and drains the rest of his bourbon, CALVIN “CAL” MICKELSON (50), a loyal butler with a penchant for wisecracks, walks up to the couch with a DECANTER OF BOURBON in hand.
CAL Said the budding alcoholic with an empty drink.
JULIAN God damn you and your enabling ways, Cal!
Julian extends his empty glass towards Cal, who happily refills it with the decanter.
53 CAL If it makes you feel better, Vin Diesel just tweeted that he wants to purchase your life story rights for his next film.
JULIAN (shocked) What?! Seriously?!
As Julian drunkenly fumbles for his CELL PHONE on the GLASS COFFEE TABLE directly in front of him, Cal MANIACALLY LAUGHS.
JULIAN (CONT’D) Hold up--
Julian stands and for the first time, the GORGEOUS OCEAN SUNSET is visible through the HUGE GLASS WALLS that surround the majority of the exquisite room.
JULIAN (CONT’D) (to Cal) Are you fucking with me?!
CAL Of course, I am! He called you a spoiled, self- centered hashtag-asshole.
JULIAN Too soon, Cal! Way too soon!!
Julian storms away from the couch and beelines towards an OPENING in the glass wall.
CAL Oh, come on!! That was funny!! You don’t even like Vin Diesel!!
EXT. FOX MALIBU ESTATE - OCEAN VIEW PATIO - MOMENTS LATER
Cal walks onto the patio and finds Julian, leaning against the railing with his bourbon in hand, staring at the ocean.
JULIAN Don’t worry. I’m not gonna jump.
Cal walks towards Julian.
54 CAL Good. Cause I’d be the one cleaning up the mess if you hit the rocks.
Cal stops and leans on the railing next to Julian.
JULIAN I’m so sick of being constantly criticized for my behavior, Cal. No matter what I do, my sense of character’s always compared to “The Great Dick Fox”.
Julian takes a quick sip of bourbon.
JULIAN (CONT’D) I mean-- I could literally stop terrorists from hijacking a private jet tomorrow and I’d still get called out for being a selfish, entitled asshole.
CAL Well, you did just assume that terrorists would choose to hijack a private jet over a commercial airline filled with the rest of us peasants--
JULIAN God dammit, Cal! Stop proving my point!
Julian takes another sip of bourbon.
CAL Listen to me, Julian. Yes, your father’s an incredible man who’s done more good for the world than Jesus Christ, Mark Zuckerberg, Abraham Lincoln and Oprah combined, but guess what? You’ll never be your father--
JULIAN What the fuck, Cal?! I thought you were gonna pump me up with compliments or some shit, not kick me when I’m down!
CAL Well, how ‘bout you let me finish my speech, impatient little shit!!
Cal playfully SMACKS the back of Julian’s head.
55 CAL (CONT’D) As I was saying... you’ll never be your father, but that’s a good thing, Julian. Sure, you can be reckless and completely fucking stupid at times, but you’re also passionate, assertive, way too honest, absurdly confident and most importantly-- not afraid to stand up for what you believe in, even if that means you’re criticized for it along the way.
JULIAN Wow. I’m sorry for interrupting you, Cal. That was a pretty good speech.
CAL No shit, Captain Obvious.
JULIAN (excited) You’re right, though!
Julian drains the rest of his bourbon and chucks his glass over the railing into the ocean.
JULIAN (CONT’D) I shouldn’t have to change who I am in order to make the world a better place and if Dad or anyone else can’t swallow that truth bomb, they’ll just have to choke and die!
CAL I didn’t say that--
JULIAN (ignoring Cal; pumped) Mark my words-- even though the thought of being in the same room as a dying child sorta gives me the heebie jeebies and reminds me of a ton of scary movies, I’m gonna suck it up like a man and crush the living shit out of this community service!
CAL That’s the fucking spirit!!
Cal lovingly places a hand on Julian’s shoulder.
56 CAL (CONT’D) Also, little advice for future reference-- you really need to stop littering the ocean with glass.
JULIAN Oh, fuck off, Cal. What the hell do you know? You’re not a marine biologist.
EXT. UGANDA, AFRICA - JUNGLE - DAY
TWO AFRICAN BOYS (7), sweating profusely with fright written all over their faces, run through the brush and trees like they’re being chased by a predator.
EXT. UGANDA, AFRICA - VILLAGE - DAY
SEVERAL AFRICAN WOMEN, with BASKETS of FRUIT AND VEGETABLES balanced on top of their heads, walk by the GRASS HUTS that lie at the heart of their village.
The African Women stop and smile at Dianna Fox, now dressed like she’s on a safari and holding a Harry Potter book, who sits on the ground with SEVERAL AFRICAN CHILDREN in a circle.
DIANNA (reading) “Ah go boil yer heads, both of yeh”, said Hagrid. (excited) “Harry... yer a wizard!”
Suddenly, YELLING is heard and the two sweaty African Boys emerge from the nearby BRUSH.
DIANNA (CONT’D) (to African Boys) Right on schedule, boys!! Come join us for magical story time!!
Ignoring Dianna, The African Boys run towards the African Women and stop to catch their breath.
AFRICAN WOMAN #1 (to African Boy #1) Toko-- what’s going on?!
57 AFRICAN BOY #1 (worried) Mama... they’re coming!!
The African Women SCREAM and drop their loaded baskets on the ground.
AFRICAN WOMAN #1 Children!! Run and hide!! Now!!
As the frightened African Children jump to their feet and scatter, Dianna remains seated on the ground.
DIANNA (offended) Wait!! Harry hasn’t visited Hogwarts yet!!
EXT. UGANDA, AFRICA - JUNGLE CLEARING - SAME TIME
SEVERAL TRACTORS, TRUCKS and OTHER BIG MACHINERY, all with “Fox Industries” labeled to their sides, lie motionless within a CLEARING.
DICK (O.S.) We’re going to revolutionize Africa, gentlemen!
Dick Fox, dressed in couture safari clothes and looking dashing as hell, enters the clearing with FIVE SCIENTISTS, THREE ARMED GUARDS and a PHOTOGRAPHER by his side.
DICK (CONT’D) With the desalination center built in this very spot, Fox Industries will be able to provide clean water directly from the Indian Ocean for most of the surrounding villages within a 50 mile radius.
Suddenly, LOUD GUNSHOTS ring out and everyone turns their gaze towards the familiar GRASS HUT VILLAGE in the distance.
DICK (CONT’D) Jesus! The children!!
Dick quickly yanks a HANDGUN out of the hands of an Armed Guard and takes off running like a bat out of hell towards the village while the others reluctantly follow.
58 EXT. UGANDA, AFRICA - VILLAGE - MOMENTS LATER
SEVERAL REBEL SOLDIERS aim their weapons at the African Women, OTHER VILLAGERS, and Dianna, who all CRY, SCREAM and PLEAD near the grass huts as every child is loaded into the back of a TRUCK by an intimidating REBEL LEADER (40).
REBEL LEADER Do not be sad, children!! This is the greatest day of your lives!! You’re going to make your families proud when you become incredible warriors!!
DICK (O.S.) Get your hands off those kids, you sick bastard!
The Rebel Leader quickly spins around and locks eyes with Dick, who now holds his gun to the head of a Rebel Soldier.
REBEL LEADER And who might you be, Mr. Hero?
DIANNA (pleading) Dick-- don’t!!
DICK (ignoring Dianna) I’m the guy who’s gonna stop you.
As the Rebel Leader cracks a devious grin we...
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. GRANT A WISH FOUNDATION - ESTABLISHING - DAY
A FEW PARKED VEHICLES sit in the tiny LOT attached to the front of this rundown and sketchy-looking BUILDING.
On the facade of the building, a MURAL of a CREEPY CHILD SMILING is painted below a blue sign that reads: “Grant A Wish Foundation”
TUCKER (PRE-LAP) This is frickin’ bologna, man!
59 INT. GRANT A WISH FOUNDATION - DAY
TUCKER DONAGHUE (30), a high-strung purist who thinks his shit doesn’t stink, stands next to his EXTREMELY ORGANIZED CUBICLE with TWO DARTS in hand and prepares to throw one at the dartboard hanging on the wall.
TUCKER How the heck can you guys be so chill with letting some rich jerk-face becoming a full-fledged member of the Wish Warriors?!
Tucker throws the dart and it STICKS in the dartboard.
EMMA (O.S.) It’s not exactly like we have a choice in the matter.
Tucker turns towards EMMA RIPLEY (25), a well-traveled ivy-leaguer who’d rather volunteer for “Habitat For Humanity” than go on a date, typing away on her LAPTOP at the SEMI-CLUTTERED CUBICLE nearby.
EMMA (CONT’D) Bradley’s been wanting an unpaid volunteer to help out around here for ages and now he finally has one that might give this place the publicity it desperately needs.
Emma stops typing and looks at Tucker.
EMMA (CONT’D) Most people would consider that a win-win and who knows, maybe this guy’s a closeted humanitarian.
Tucker LAUGHS.
EMMA (CONT’D) Laugh all you want, but he is the son of Dick and Dianna Fox.
TUCKER Humanitarian?! Have you read his tweets? Have you seen his interviews on TV?! Julian Fox is a pretentious clown!!
EMMA Said the man who won’t stop calling himself a Wish Warrior.
60 TUCKER For the last time, Emma. We’re all Wish Warriors!
Tucker quickly pivots and throws another dart, which ZIPS across the entire room and STICKS against a WALL plastered with many PICTURES CONNECTED BY YARN, clearly resembling an evidence board used by detectives during investigations.
INDY (O.S.) What the fuck, Tucker?!
Directly next to the picture-plastered wall, INDIANA “INDY” TELLER (19), a tiny, geeky college dropout with the energy of a hurricane, jumps up from his seat, which is hidden behind an EXTREMELY CLUTTERED CUBICLE.
INDY (CONT’D) How many times do I have to ask you to treat my Wishing Wall with some God damn respect?!
TUCKER EMMA (sotto) (to Tucker) Geez, not this again... You asked for it.
Now pissed, Indy walks towards the Wishing Wall.
INSERT - THE WISHING WALL
RED YARN connects various pictures of WHALES, BOATS, THE OCEAN and other MARINE ANIMALS, which all orbit around the headshot of a SICK-LOOKING BOY (8), who has a DART stuck in his forehead.
BACK TO SCENE
Indy quickly YANKS the dart out of the picture.
INDY I understand the Wishing Wall comes across as just boring, low resolution pictures and colorful string that a cat would love to play with inside that primitive brain of yours--
With the dart in hand, Indy points to the Wishing Wall over his shoulder.
61 INDY (CONT’D) But in reality, this is the heart and soul of our very operation and an intricate puzzle that I alone sacrifice blood, sweat and tears on each month in order for ungrateful shits like yourself to successfully do their job.
TUCKER EMMA (to Indy) (sotto; re: Indy) Are you finished? How does he not run of out breath?
Indy hops into a throwing stance and aims the dart at Tucker.
INDY If you don’t stop taking me for granted and start showing a little gratitude, I’ll have no choice but to pin-the-dart on the douchebag!!
As Emma stands and JOYOUSLY SLOW CLAPS, Tucker LAUGHS.
TUCKER Yeah, that’ll be the day!!
Indy quickly chucks the dart, which ZIPS across the room and STICKS into Tucker’s leg.
TUCKER (CONT’D) (scream) Jesus--
BRADLEY (O.S.) (excited) Listen up, team!!!
Indy, Tucker and Emma turn towards BRADLEY MILES (50), a good-hearted obese man with a history of depression, holding a CUP OF COFFEE and standing in front of an OPEN DOORWAY that leads to his OFFICE, which lies near the FRONT ENTRANCE.
BRADLEY (CONT’D) I just got off the phone with Davey’s parents.
As Bradley walks into the middle of the room, Tucker yanks the dart out of his leg and winces in pain.
62 BRADLEY (CONT’D) There’s good news and bad news. The good news... is that he’s super excited about his whale watching adventure today!!
EMMA TUCKER Yay! Nice.
INDY Hate to point out the obvious, but... we knew he’d feel that way.
Indy gestures to the Wishing Wall.
BRADLEY (ignoring Indy) The bad news... is that he doesn’t have long. Doctors say he’s got another day left, so we’ll be skipping the hospital visit this time around and meet him straight at the harbor.
EMMA TUCKER Aw. Damn.
Bradley stops in front of Tucker, Emma and Indy.
BRADLEY As always, this is never easy, but thanks to the best Wish Granters in California, Davey’s gonna get one hell of a “Going A-wave Party”!
EMMA INDY Seriously, Bradley? Yikes.
BRADLEY (proud) Pretty good, huh?! It came to me last night in the bathtub.
TUCKER Oh my Gosh! “Going A-Wave Party”! That’s hilarious!
Emma covers her face in embarrassment as Tucker rubs the wound on his leg.
63 INDY (whispers; to Tucker) You’re the worst.
BRADLEY Well, then-- lets start getting ready and pray our new volunteer gets here before we head out!
Bradley takes a sip of coffee and looks at his WATCH.
BRADLEY (CONT’D) He’s probably stuck in traffic or something.
CUT TO:
INT. FOX MALIBU ESTATE - JULIAN’S BEDROOM - SAME TIME
The sound of OCEAN WAVES breaking along the shore permeates through the billowing window shades, which surround a good chunk of the coolest room money can buy.
In the GIGANTIC BED that lies directly across from the window shades, a naked Julian LIGHTLY SNORES and drools on the breasts of the NAKED MODEL sleeping next to him.
CAL (O.S.) Rise and shine, sleeping beauty!
As Julian and the Naked Model slowly wake, Cal, now with a GATORADE in hand, is revealed standing next to a TOUCH SCREEN PANEL on the wall next to an open BEDROOM DOORWAY.
JULIAN Jesus Christ, can you lower your voice?
Cal TAPS a button on the touch screen panel and the window shades automatically RISE UP, spewing sunlight into the room and revealing the ocean view beyond.
CAL It’s truly fitting that you think of me as your lord and savior--
Cal tosses the Gatorade to Julian, who quickly sits up in bed and catches it.
64 CAL (CONT’D) Cause I’m here to tell you that you slept in like a fucking idiot on the first day of your new “make the world a better place” phase.
JULIAN Shit.
Julian hops out of bed and takes a sip of the Gatorade.
JULIAN (CONT’D) There goes my plan to woo Judge Farley with a perfect attendance record.
Julian points to the Naked Model.
JULIAN (CONT’D) I blame this all on you.
NAKED MODEL (re: Gatorade) Can I get a sip of that?
JULIAN No! Get your own Gatorade. I don’t share drinks with strangers.
NAKED MODEL Are you kidding me?! We had sex!!
Julian walks across the room towards another DOOR, which leads to the bathroom.
JULIAN (yelling) Yeah, and I used a condom and never kissed you once!!
As Julian disappears into the bathroom and SLAMS the door shut, Cal picks up a BRA off the floor.
NAKED MODEL CAL (disgusted) (to Naked Model) Wow. Excuse me, miss.
Cal tosses the bra to the Naked Model, who clumsily catches it.
65 CAL (CONT’D) Would you prefer Uber or Lyft?
INT/EXT. ORANGE LAMBORGHINI - STREET - DAY
You’re The Best Around by Joe Esposito BLASTS over the speakers as Julian drives down a sketchy street.
JULIAN (singing) He’s the best!! Around!! Nothing’s gonna ever keep Julian down!! He’s the best!! Around!!
Suddenly, the volume of the music lowers.
JULIAN (CONT’D) Nothing’s gonna ever keep Julian down!!
LAMBO (O.S.) Your destination is coming up on the right, sir.
JULIAN Lambo, is it just me or does this neighborhood give off major Boyz N The Hood gangsta vibes?
The Lamborghini decreases in speed.
LAMBO (O.S.) You should never judge a book by it’s cover, sir, but my GPS data does flag this area with an abnormally high crime rate.
Julian turns into the...
GRANT A WISH PARKING LOT
JULIAN I knew it. Ice Cube’s probably right around the corner just waitin’ to pop our fuckin’ asses.
Like an asshole, Julian parks the Lamborghini on the white line separating two empty parking spots.
66 INT. GRANT A WISH FOUNDATION - INDY’S CUBICLE - DAY
Oblivious to his surroundings and rocking out to HEAVY METAL MUSIC through the HEADPHONES attached to his ears, Indy sips an energy drink with one hand and types away on a LAPTOP with the other.
Suddenly, a BALLED UP PIECE OF PAPER PELTS Indy in the face and lands on the keyboard in front of him.
Confused and slightly alarmed, Indy sets down the energy drink upon the desk and quickly opens the piece of paper to reveal the SICK LOOKING BOY PICTURE from the Wishing Wall.
INDY (scared) Davey?
Indy spins around in his chair and SCREAMS at the sight of Julian, who stares intently at the Wishing Wall as if it’s a Jackson Pollock painting.
INDY (CONT’D) Yo, dude!!
Indy yanks off his headphones, grabs a BASEBALL BAT from underneath his desk and jumps to his feet.
INDY (CONT’D) I don’t know how the hell I didn’t see you walk in here, but I highly recommend you slowly put your hands up and back the fuck away from the Wishing Wall before I knock you outta the park, son!
Julian FRUSTRATINGLY SIGHS and lifts his hands in the air.
JULIAN Cool your jets, Babe Ruth...
Julian backs away from the wall and turns towards Indy, who looks as if he’s about to swing for the fences.
JULIAN (CONT’D) Or is this how you treat all ridiculously handsome employees on their first day of work?
INDY Oh, shit! You’re Julian Fox!
67 Indy lowers the bat in relief and walks towards Julian, who finally lowers his hands.
INDY (CONT’D) Sorry for the violent theatrics, but everyone thought you bailed today and this is how I scare away the junkies that always break in and use this place like an airbnb.
Indy stops in front of Julian and extends his hand out for a shake.
INDY (CONT’D) I’m in charge of research and development here. Name’s Indy.
JULIAN (amazed) Holy fucking grail!!
Julian happily shakes Indy’s hand.
JULIAN (CONT’D) Your name’s Indy?! As in Indiana--
INDY Yup!
Indy takes his hand back and walks towards the middle of the room.
INDY (CONT’D) Mom and Dad got a little freaky at a truck stop in the state of Indiana and the rest is history!
JULIAN INDY (CONT'D) Oh. That sucks. Anywho--
As Julian walks towards the middle of the room, Indy stops and gestures towards his surroundings.
INDY (CONT’D) Welcome to Grant A Wish HQ!!
Suddenly, a piece of ROTTING CEILING drops and EXPLODES onto Tess’s Cubicle, knocking a PICTURE FRAME to the ground.
JULIAN I’m not gonna lie--
68 Julian walks towards the picture frame near Tess’s cubicle.
JULIAN (CONT’D) It blows my mind that human beings voluntarily work in this asbestos-friendly shit-hole cause I guaran-fuckin-tee I’m contracting a life threatening disease as we speak.
INDY That’s why you gotta take vitamins and pray for a good immune system--
Ignoring Indy, Julian stops and picks up the picture frame on the ground.
INDY (CONT’D) Unfortunately, our boss refuses to set up shop anywhere else cause this was the building he ran his old business out of before his kid died--
JULIAN (in French; Subtitled) Dear God... who is this filthy-looking angel and why haven’t I made love to her yet?
Julian holds the picture frame in the air for Indy to see.
INSERT - PICTURE FRAME
A photo of Emma, now dirty and smiling with a HAMMER in hand, who stands alone in front of a piece of newly constructed foundation for what is clearly meant to be a future HOUSE.
BACK TO SCENE
INDY I have no idea what you just said, but that’s Emma. She’s one of our Wish Granters. You’ll meet her, Tucker and Bradley when they get back from granting Davey’s whale watching wish.
JULIAN Whale watching?! Hold up, Short Round--
Julian casually tosses the picture frame back onto EMMA’s desk, SHATTERING the conservation glass over the photo.
69 JULIAN (CONT’D) Are you seriously telling me that I’m gonna miss a dying wish that could potentially inspire some coked- out Hollywood producer to green-light a fucking 2020 reboot of Free Willy?!
INDY I literally didn’t say any of that stuff, but--
Indy Walks to his cubicle and Julian follows suit.
INDY (CONT’D) If you’re that gung-ho to be apart of it... and can get to San Pedro within the hour...
Indy stops at his desk, picks up the crumpled picture of Davey and hands it to Julian.
INDY (CONT’D) You might be able find the little guy before they all set sail.
Julian takes the picture and flashes that cocky smile.
JULIAN Challenge accepted, Dr. Jones.
CUT TO:
INT/EXT. OLD HONDA ACCORD - FREEWAY - LATER
The PACIFIC OCEAN can be seen in the distance as Julian, now clearly angry and holding his CELL PHONE to his ear, sits in the passenger seat of this monstrosity of a vehicle while a frustrated Indy drives.
INDY I can’t believe I’m being dragged into the fucking field!!
Indy looks at Julian.
INDY (CONT’D) Research guys never go out in the field!!
70 JULIAN (to Indy) Can you please shut the fuck up?! I’m trying to make a goddamn call and can’t concentrate!!
Indy contorts his face into a “pardon me, asshole” look.
JULIAN (CONT’D) (to phone) CAL! What the fuck, man? I’ve been calling you for the past 30 minutes! I need your help!! Lambo’s been fucking kidnapped!
INTERCUT WITH:
INT. FOX MALIBU ESTATE - LIVING ROOM - SAME TIME
Sitting on the couch and wearing a BLUETOOTH HEADSET, Cal chugs from the BOURBON DECANTER held firmly in his grip.
JULIAN At first, my natural instinct was to blame gangbangers a la Boys N The Hood, but then it hit me like a tank of NOS straight to the balls-- Vin fuckin’ Diesel. That family-loving bitch who we all know will never ever ever get over the fact that my driving skills are way more furious than his!!
Cal stops chugging from the decanter and wipes his mouth.
CAL Julian... we need to talk.
JULIAN We are talking, dumbass! Lambo’s in danger and we gotta contact the proper authorities before that bald bastard does God knows what to her--
CAL (screaming) Your father’s dead!!
As confusion quickly washes over Julian’s face, Cal takes another sip of bourbon from the decanter.
71 JULIAN Wha- what?
CAL In Uganda. The news just broke. It looks like your mother’s fine, but... Dick didn’t make it.
Julian MANIACALLY LAUGHS and Indy nervously glances at him.
JULIAN Good one, Cal! I’ll give you this, man-- you always know how to make a guy feel better during a crisis!
Cal Jumps to his feet and gestures to the NEWS BROADCAST playing on the FLAT SCREEN TV across from him.
CAL I’m not joking around, Julian!
INSERT - FLAT SCREEN TV
A frozen picture of Dick Fox, smiling from ear to ear with his arms wrapped around SEVERAL AFRICAN CHILDREN.
CAL (V.O.) (CONT’D) A rebel militia group tried to take all the children in the village they’ve been helping and your father went into full-blown hero mode. Saved everyone, but himself!
The news banner at the bottom of the screen reads: “Breaking: The Great Dick Fox Dies Heroically In Africa.”
BACK TO SCENE
JULIAN (shocked) Oh my God, Cal... (ecstatic) That’s fucking hilarious! Is this the kinda shit you’re learning in all those comedy improv classes at UCB?!
CAL This isn’t comedy improv, Jul--
Suddenly, Julian’s phone dies.
72 JULIAN Hello?! Cal?!
Confused, Julian looks at his phone.
JULIAN (CONT’D) Fuck!! My phone died!! (to Indy) Give me your charger. I need some juice so I can live- tweet this kid’s dying wish for all my fans.
INDY I don’t have a charger.
JULIAN (disgusted) Wow. And here I thought your car couldn’t get any shittier.
EXT. SAN PEDRO, CA - PORT - ESTABLISHING - DAY
A STORM BREWS over the ocean as SEVERAL SEAGULLS fly through the port, which is filled with DOZENS OF DOCKED BOATS, SEVERAL ANCHORED CRUISESHIPS and HUNDREDS OF STACKED METAL SHIPPING CONTAINERS that reside in the surrounding SHIPYARDS.
TUCKER (PRE-LAP) What the heck are you talking about, man?! We had an appointment!
EXT. PORT - HARBOR - BOATING DOCK - DAY
Tucker, now on the verge of popping a blood vessel and standing with his fists clenched at his sides, angrily stares at SEA CAPTAIN JOE (50), sunburnt and on one knee, who ties a THICK ROPE around a WOODEN BEAM, which secures the BIG WHALE WATCHING BOAT at his back directly to the dock.
SEA CAPTAIN JOE Like I told your boss-- there’s a big storm rollin’ in and the water’s gonna be way too rough out there for whale watchin’.
Sea Captain Joe stands.
73 SEA CAPTAIN JOE (CONT’D) Gimme a call tomorrow and if the weather’s better, we can try again.
TUCKER (livid) Tomorrow?! Little Davey can’t go whale watching tomorrow!!
SEA CAPTAIN JOE Why, what’s the matter? Kid’s got school or somethin’?
TUCKER Exactly! It’s his first day at this new private academy called “Death” and he’s pretty nervous about it!
Confusion washes over Sea Captain Joe’s face.
TUCKER (CONT’D) He’s dying, you frickin’ tomato!
BRADLEY (O.S.) Leave the man alone, Tucker!
Tucker and Sea Captain Joe turn towards Bradley, who waddles up to them out of breath.
BRADLEY (CONT’D) Captain Joe’s right. The weather’s gonna be a problem. I can’t seem to convince anyone else to take us out there.
As Tucker SCREAMS and PUNCHES his fist into his open palm, Bradley puts a hand on his shoulder.
BRADLEY (CONT’D) No one said granting wishes was easy, son. We can ask around a bit more before we have to call it.
Sea Captain Joe hops on his boat.
SEA CAPTAIN JOE Listen, if the kid ends up miraculously livin’ another day or two, let me know-- I’ll give ya guys a helluva discount.
74 EXT. PORT - HARBOR - BOARDWALK - DAY
Emma, kneeling on the ground, plays THUMB WAR with DAVEY (8), a cynical bald boy, who’s pissed about his date with death and standing near his MOM (40) and DAD (40), whom are both AWKWARDLY CRYING and looking at their CELL PHONES.
DAVEY Okay, but what if all the whales are sleeping and I don’t get to see one up close before I die?
EMMA Don’t be silly. I’m sure there’s hundreds of amazing whales that are wide awake and super excited to see you.
DAVEY Yeah, but like worse case scenario-- what if there’s nothing out there?
Davey yanks his hand out of Emma’s grip.
DAVEY (CONT’D) I know I’m a dying kid, but you can treat me like an adult.
EMMA You’re right. I guess the worse case scenario is... you’re gonna see billions of whales in heaven!!
Confused, Davey looks up at his Mom and Dad.
DAVEY I thought you guys said heaven doesn’t exist?
DAD (crying) It doesn’t, sport. This nice woman’s clearly lying to make you feel better.
JULIAN (O.S.) Pardon me, folks--
Emma, Mom, Dad and Davey all turn towards Julian, who jogs up to the group with the picture of Davey in hand.
75 JULIAN (CONT’D) I’ve got an important question for a kick-ass little dude who’d marry an orca in a heartbeat if it wasn’t against the law. His name’s Davey. Have any of you seen him around?
EMMA DAVEY (confused; to Julian) That’s me! I’m Davey!! What are you doing here?
Julian glances back and forth between his picture and Davey.
JULIAN (playful; to Davey) Holy shit!! What are the odds?!
Julian crouches down to the ground next to Davey and slyly places his arm around Emma’s shoulders.
JULIAN (CONT’D) Are you fucking ready for the best goddamn whale watching adventure of your life?!?!
DAVEY EMMA Hell yes, Mister!!! Oh my God...
Julian quickly winks at Emma, who removes his arm off her shoulders in disgust.
MOM (crying) Julian Fox!? Is it really you?!
JULIAN Guilty as charg--
As Julian jumps to his feet, the Mom locks him in a bear hug and squeezes tight.
MOM We just saw the news! I can’t believe your father was murdered by Africans!! You must be devastated!!
JULIAN EMMA (irritated; to Mom) (confused) I think you’ve got the wrong guy, lady. Wait, what?!
76 As Emma stands, the Dad places his hand on Julian’s shoulder.
DAD I have no clue why you’re involved in my son’s dying wish, but I’m truly sorry for your loss. Dick Fox was a God among men and the world will forever be in his debt.
EMMA (shocked; to Dad) Are you serious?! That’s the reason you guys are crying?!
MOM JULIAN (sobbing; re: Dick Fox) (pissed) It’s so terrible!!! Okay-- get the fuck off me!!
Julian knocks the Dad’s hand away and escapes the Mom’s clutches.
JULIAN (CONT’D) My Dad’s not fucking dead!! That asshole’s invincible!!
DAD I hate to break it to you, but no one’s invincible. Not even our kid.
DAVEY It’s true.
The Dad holds up his GLOWING CELL PHONE and tosses it to Julian, who catches it and looks at the screen.
INSERT - CELL PHONE SCREEN
The picture from the news of Dick Fox with African Children.
BACK TO SCENE
Julian continues to stare at the phone screen and for the first time ever, looks speechless.
TUCKER (O.S.) You gotta be frickin’ kidding me!
Julian snaps out of his daze as the Dad awkwardly takes the cell phone back out of his hands and Tucker walks up from the DOCKS with Bradley at his side.
77 TUCKER (CONT’D) Julian “Pretentious Clown” Fox would finally show up at the exact moment we have to tell Little Davey his wish isn’t coming true because mother nature is a cold-hearted witch!!!
DAVEY BRADLEY What?! No!!!! Tucker, that’s enough!
TUCKER Sorry, Davey. I’m sure you’ll see trillions of whales in heaven!
DAVEY BRADLEY Why do you guys keep saying that?! (to Tucker) Heaven doesn’t exist!!! I said that’s enough!!
As Davey CRIES and runs away towards the docks, the Mom attempts to follow suit, but the Dad holds her back.
MOM DAD (yelling) (to Mom) Davey-- Don’t. He should learn to be alone before it’s a permanent reality.
EMMA Seriously?! You guys have the worst parenting skills ever!!
As Emma runs after Davey, Julian, now a little dazed, looks at Tucker.
JULIAN Little advice from one douchey asshole to another... you might wanna work on your bedside manner.
Tucker lunges towards Julian and attempts to throw a punch, but Bradley quickly puts him in a headlock to restrain him.
TUCKER Let me frickin’ go, Bradley!!
BRADLEY (to Tucker) Not until you apologize to our new volunteer!! This isn’t his fault!!
78 TUCKER JULIAN No frickin’ way! (confused; to Bradley) I’m sorry-- who the fuck are you?
Bradley extends his hand towards Julian for a shake while continuing to restrain Tucker.
BRADLEY Bradley Miles. Founder of Grant A Wish.
JULIAN Ah, that makes sense. I gotta be honest with you Mr. Miles, I’m still very mad about the lack of security at your office and will not be shaking your hand until I exact revenge upon Vin Diesel and get Lambo back home safe and sound.
Julian sidesteps a stunned Bradley and beelines towards the DOCKS as Indy casually walks up to the group.
INDY Jesus Christ-- parking fucking sucks around here. (to Tucker and Bradley) So... this is what it’s like to be in the field, huh?
EXT. BOATING DOCK - WALKAROUND BOAT - DECK - DAY
Davey, now CRYING and standing against the RAILING next to Emma at the PROW of the boat, stares out into the endless ocean as the MENACING STORM approaches.
EMMA I know you’re very upset right now, but that doesn’t mean you can just walk onto a stranger’s boat without asking, Davey.
DAVEY Who cares? They’re not even here and I’m about to die any second.
EMMA DAVEY (CONT'D) Touché. Life’s so unfair...
Emma lovingly places a hand on Davey’s back.
79 EMMA I know-- I wish there was something I could do to make it all better.
DAVEY You could show me your boobs?
EMMA JULIAN (O.S.) (offended) There you guys are! Excuse me?!
Davey and Emma turn towards Julian, who hops onto the boat with TWO BEERS in hand.
EMMA Is that beer?
Julian walks towards Emma and Davey.
JULIAN Sure is! I found them in some other dude’s boat. Snooze you lose, am I right?
Julian stops in front of Emma and Davey.
EMMA Are you okay, Julian? That news about your Dad--
JULIAN Listen-- as much as I would love to open up to you right now and begin our will-they, won’t-they relationship, I was hoping I could speak to Davey alone for a second.
EMMA Oh. Sure.
Emma disappointedly glares at Davey.
EMMA (CONT’D) I was just leaving anyway.
Emma walks away towards the edge of the boat.
EMMA (CONT’D) And don’t you dare give him beer!
As Emma hops off the boat, Julian CRACKS one of the beers and hands it to Davey.
80 JULIAN What the hell’s up her ass?
DAVEY I asked to see her boobs.
Davey takes a sip of his beer.
JULIAN For real?! Nice! I would’ve done the same thing.
Julian CRACKS his beer, takes a sip and leans against the railing.
DAVEY Was your dad really murdered by Africans?
JULIAN I haven’t gotten visual confirmation yet, but... yeah, that seems to be the case.
DAVEY That’s messed up. Dying’s the worst.
Julian, slightly choked up, nods his head in agreement.
DAVEY (CONT’D) What was he like? Your Dad?
Julian drains the rest of his beer and crushes the can with his fist..
JULIAN Selfless... and not afraid to cross any obstacle that tried to block his path towards making the world a better place.
DAVEY Talk about setting the bar high.
JULIAN Tell me about it.
Julian tosses his beer can into the water.
DAVEY I bet your Dad wouldn’t let any storms get in the way of his whale watching.
81 As Davey takes another sip of his beer, Julian smiles and turns to Davey with a wild look in his eye.
JULIAN Which leads me to the reason I came to find you, Davey. What are your thoughts on potentially dying a few hours earlier than expected?
INT/EXT. WALKAROUND BOAT - PACIFIC OCEAN - LATER
Davey, now wearing an ORANGE LIFE VEST and smiling from ear to ear, stands next to Julian, who also dons an ORANGE LIFE VEST and steers the boat through the STORMY WATERS all around them.
DAVEY (excited; yelling) I still can’t believe you hot-wired this boat!!
JULIAN (yelling) Pretty cool, right?! That’s the kind of shit you gotta learn when your Dad hides the keys to his yacht like a fucking asshole!!
LIGHTNING STRIKES in the distance.
JULIAN (CONT’D) Now, hold on tight and lets go find some motherfucking whales!!!
As we PULL OUT and watch the boat continue to cut through the waves, You’re The Best Around by Joe Esposito PLAYS and we...
FADE TO BLACK.
END OF PILOT
82