LIVIN' THE AFTERLIFE
"Doin' God's Dirty Work"
Written and Created by
Ryan Johnston
[email protected] (306) 951 - 0161 FADE IN:
INT. BOARD ROOM - NIGHT
The room is dimly lit and the sounds of office CHATTER can be heard. In the middle of the room there’s a large table with five black, leather chairs surrounding it. Three of which are occupied.
VINCENZO VONALINI a.k.a. VINCE (50’s) The notorious Brooklyn Mafia Don, walks in through a doorway that’s marked with a cross. He’s a short balding man in a crisp suit. He has a half smoked cigar that dangles from his lips that’s always lit.
VINCE Listen up. We’re gonna get shut down if we don’t get these numbers up fast.
GANDHI sits in his chair, wearing his infamous white toga, and raises his hand.
VINCE (CONT'D) Gandhi. How can Hinduism help?
GANDHI The future depends on what we do in the present.
VINCE (rolls his eyes) I’m aware. Anyone else?
MUHAMMED ALI raises his hand.
VINCE (CONT'D) Ali. What about the Muslim faith?
MUHAMMED ALI Don’t count the days. Make the days count.
VINCE (annoyed) I ain’t lookin’ for famous quotes. Kapeesh? (composes himself) Anne. What about Judaism?
Vince turns to an empty chair with a Star of David on the headrest. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 2.
VINCE (CONT'D) Anne?
ANNE FRANK (O.S.) Down here.
Vince looks under the table and finds ANNE FRANK hiding.
VINCE Ms. Frank. Would you like to join us at the table today?
ANNE FRANK Nope. I’m good.
VINCE Of course. Buddha. What about you?
Buddha’s chair turns to reveal the DALAI LAMA sitting in it. He GIGGLES. BUDDHA walks in the boardroom through a doorway marked with a Dharma Wheel.
BUDDHA Sorry I’m late. The Dalai Lama has been antagonizing me all day.
Buddha turns his chair to find the Dalai Lama.
BUDDHA (CONT'D) (frightened) What is wrong with you?! Leave me alone!
The Dalai Lama GIGGLES and vanishes.
BUDDHA (CONT'D) I can’t stand that guy! First he tries to steal all the credit for my religion and now he’s harassing me from the living. Stressed, Buddha drops in his chair. Gandhi places his hand on Buddha’s.
GANDHI Be the change that you wish to see in the world.
Buddha takes a deep breath.
BUDDHA Thank you, my Dharmic brother. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 3.
VINCE EH! We’re losing the fight of good versus evil, here. We need a fresh take on things to get these numbers up, or else we’ll all be banished to Hell!
CUT TO:
INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT
The apartment is dimly lit. It’s so filthy that you can practically smell it. The walls are covered in heavy metal and video game posters. The apartment is a shithole.
A bong GURGLES as we see our protagonist, AARON ESKRA (20’s) a malnourished metalhead, as he takes a hit. He coughs and spits up all over his shirt. He catches his breath just as there’s a KNOCK at the door.
AARON Come in!
The door opens and CARL HIGGINS (50’s) the homeless man who lives outside of Aaron’s building, stands in the hall holding out a Mexican food delivery bag. Carl is taken aback by the smell of Aaron’s apartment.
CARL Why are you ordering delivery? I thought you had a big date tonight?
Carl hands Aaron the delivery bag while masking the smell of Aaron’s apartment with his sleeve.
AARON Yeah, but she wants me to take her to some hipster joint called, Earth. I don’t eat grass, I smoke it. So, I figured a quick bong rip and a bite to eat might make this place tolerable.
Carl notices flowers and chocolates on top of the TV.
CARL Pulling out all the stops I see.
AARON (fighting a yawn) After how badly I messed up the last date, I need to make sure this one goes perfectly. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 4.
Aaron pulls a burrito out of the bag and tosses it to Carl. Carl catches it with a smile.
CARL God bless you, Aaron. You’re always taking care of me. (to himself) Yes. I know. Okay I will. (to Aaron) William says thank you, also.
Aaron looks behind Carl but doesn’t see anyone.
AARON William is your imaginary friend?
CARL Dead husband.
AARON Wonderful. Tell William I say you’re welcome.
Carl exits and closes the door. You can hear him talking to himself as he walks down the hall.
Aaron turns on the TV and dives into his bag of Mexican food. He begins to chew his food but slowly falls asleep. Next thing you know he’s out cold.
A MOMENT.
Suddenly Aaron shoots out of his lazy-boy chair and panics as he chokes. He grabs the TV and rams it into his stomach to try and give himself the Heimlich. He drops the TV on his foot, falls back and hits his head. His body drops, twitches, and goes limp.
A MOMENT.
A doorway appears on Aaron’s apartment wall. Two men step out of the bright light that shines behind them. The first man is the ghost of SIDNEY SLICKOWSKI a.k.a. SLICK (40’s) a skinny ghost who wears a suit and fedora. This guy’s got a cold blooded look in his eyes. Next to him stands the ghost of CASEY TUBINSKI a.k.a. TUBZ (50’s) a fat ghost with greased up hair, wearing a gold chain and a track suit. Tubz takes a bite of the sandwich he’s holding.
TUBZ (mouthful) Where is he? "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 5.
SLICK He’s gotta be somewhere in this dump.
Slick kicks around some trash on the ground.
SLICK (CONT'D) (disgusted) What’s that smell?
Tubz analyzes his sandwich.
TUBZ Capicola, mortadella, genoa, black olives- SLICK Idiot! That other smell.
TUBZ Well, the kid is dead, Slick.
SLICK He just died, you numbskull!
Tubz takes another bite of his sandwich as Aaron’s ghostly form slowly sits up, out of his body.
Tubz and Slick stand over Aaron with their finger guns out.
TUBZ (mouthful) FREEZE, YOU MOOGATZ OR YOU’LL BE SLEEPIN’ WITH THE FISHES!
SLICK You’ll be pushin’ up daisies, kid.
Aaron backs away.
AARON Please, don’t shoot. I’m too young to die.
Slick and Tubz look at each other and LAUGH.
SLICK Too late for that one, dumb, dumb!
Aaron’s confused.
TUBZ He means you’re already dead, kid. Checked out. Kapeesh’d. Done. (MORE) "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 6.
TUBZ (CONT'D) No more. Slayed. Offed. Wasted. Departed-
SLICK I think he gets the point, Tubz.
Tubz takes another bite of his sandwich and points at Aaron’s dead body with it. Aaron’s shocked. He sees his cell phone next to his body. The phone reads 8pm and an ALARM goes off reminding him of his date.
AARON Shit! This doesn’t work for me, fellas. I have an hour to get to my date or my old lady is gonna kill me.
VINCE (O.S.) You ain’t goin’ nowhere, kid.
Aaron turns to see a bright light. Vince steps in front of the light and into the apartment.
AARON Who are you?
VINCE The name’s Vincenzo Vonalini-
AARON Leader of the infamous Vonalini crime organization? The man who organized and executed the Easter Sunday Massacre of 82?
TUBZ In the spirit.
AARON But you’ve been dead for like-
VINCE 31 years, 253 days, 16 hours and... (checks his watch) 23 minutes.
AARON (in awe) So I’m dead? Like... Dead, dead?
TUBZ I think your body speaks for itself. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 7.
AARON No, no, no. I finally got this date thing right! I need to make it to that restaurant.
SLICK (to Vince) The kid’s a bit of an idiot, boss. You sure he’s got the stuff to be a made man?
Tubz bites into his sandwich.
TUBZ He’s a Vonalini. (beat of chewing) It’s in his blood.
Slick rolls his eyes and lights a cigarette.
VINCE He’s stubborn. Just like his old man.
AARON Hold up. I’m a Vonalini?
Vince takes a drag of his cigar.
VINCE Your dad’s name is Giovanni Vonalini. He loved you and your mother very much. But your mother never did approve of the family business so she kept you from us all these years.
AARON Hah. Classic mom. So, that makes you my grandpa?
Vince winces.
VINCE For professionality’s sake, just call me Vince.
AARON So, where is my dad?
VINCE Well, kid- "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 8.
Vince’s cell phone RINGS. His ring tone is the theme song from the God Father. He answers.
VINCE (CONT'D) Yes? (beat) I’ll be right there.
Vince hangs up the phone.
VINCE (CONT'D) That was an associate in Bed-Stuy. There’s a rat I gotta turn. (to Tubz) Give the kid the lowdown and show him around a bit. Kapeesh? Tubz stands to attention and salutes Vince with a chocolate bar.
AARON But, gramps. Can’t I come with you?
Vince glares at Aaron.
VINCE (short tempered) Don’t call me that! (to Tubz) Whatever you do, don’t let him out of your sight.
A doorway appears and Vince walks through it. It slowly starts to disappear.
Slick rolls his eyes and flicks his cigarette butt.
SLICK Now we’re babysitters? What an afterlife this has turned out to be.
Aaron notices the doorway is still open.
TUBZ Why you gotta be so negative all the time, huh? You need to meditate with Buddha and the Dharmic religions.
Aaron sneaks along the wall behind Tubz and Slick. He jumps through the doorway and it disappears. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 9.
SLICK Cut the meditation crap, already. Me and Buddha don’t exactly see eye to eye.
Tubz looks around.
TUBZ Uh. Where’s the kid?
SLICK Jesus Christ, Tubz! You lost him already?
TUBZ Hey! What did Jesus say about using his name in vain like that. You know he don’t like it.
Slick gets in Tubz’ face.
SLICK That’s too bad for him. And you can tell him I said that the next time you see him at your little yoga class.
INT. BOARD ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Aaron walks in to the huge board room. The doorway disappears behind him. On the far wall there’s a large painted banner that reads “La Cosa Morta”. In the middle of the room is the large round table from the opening scene. An angelic glow radiates down on each of the five chairs.
AARON (to himself) La Cosa Morta? What the hell is this place?
He continues to look around.
AARON (CONT'D) Gramps? You in here?
Aaron analyzes the headrests on the chairs. He notices each chair has a symbol on them. There’s a Cross for Christianity. A Star of David for Judaism. A Dharma Wheel for Buddhism. The Om for Hinduism and a Crescent Moon and Star for Muslim. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 10.
AARON (CONT'D) (to himself) Religious symbols. Must be a cult or something.
Aaron sees a whiteboard with flow charts on it that read, “2021 - Soul Completion”. The numbers are not looking good as we see the chart takes a nose dive. Next to it is a block chart that reads “Population by Religion”. Christianity is the highest with 2.4 Billion, then Muslim with 1.9 Billion, then Hinduism with 1.16 Billion. A little lower we see Buddhism with 506 Million, then Judaism with 14.7 Million and at the far end there’s a red block that’s the third highest. This block represents the Atheists and Agnostics with 1.19 Billion.
AARON (CONT'D) (to himself) Would you look at that. Us Atheists are on the come up!
Aaron continues to analyze the room. Behind each chair is a large doorway. Aaron inspects the doorway with the Star of David above it. He places his hand through the doorway and his hand disappears.
AARON (CONT'D) (to himself) Sick! Okay so, which doorway will get me closer to this stupid Earth restaurant?
Just then Tubz and Slick walk in to the office through the Christianity doorway.
TUBZ I’m just sayin’, Jesus comes across as a spoiled rich kid but he’s actually a nice guy.
SLICK I’m just sayin’, I don’t give a shit, Tubz.
They both spot Aaron.
TUBZ There you are.
SLICK Come here, kid! "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 11.
Aaron takes a leap of faith and jumps through the Jewish doorway. He disappears. Tubz and Slick trip over themselves chasing after him.
EXT. BOROUGH PARK - STREET - NIGHT
A doorway appears out of nowhere. Aaron jumps out of the doorway as it closes behind him. He walks down the street in awe. Businesses are gated shut and there are barely any humans in sight. Ghosts, on the other hand, roam the streets freely. It feels like a busy Monday morning in downtown Brooklyn.
The ghost of a JEWISH MAN stands on the street corner selling pastries.
JEWISH MAN Hamentashen! Come and get your Hamentashen!
He get’s in Aaron’s face.
JEWISH MAN (CONT'D) Young lobbus. Would you like to try the afterlife’s finest Hamentashen? These will put your bubbee’s to shame!
AARON No thanks.
Aaron walks around the Jewish Man and continues down the street, bewildered. Ghostly stores and cafes line the streets. You can get everything from Kosher Meats to Kosher Lemonade.
EXT. LAND OF THE LOX DELI - NIGHT
Aaron walks up to the bagel shop. The business itself is closed but it appears the ghosts who used to work there, are operating the café at night for the afterlife. The place is packed with JEWISH GHOSTS who mingle and enjoy lox and bagels. A ghostly Jewish couple, MIRIAM and ABRAHAM, sit out front of the shop and visit.
Still looking around, Aaron bumps into the couple’s table and a glass falls off and breaks. The entire NEIGHBORHOOD CLAPS and YELLS!
NEIGHBORHOOD Mazel Tov! "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 12.
Aaron is frightened but turns to the Jewish Couple.
AARON I’m so sorry about that. Where am I?
ABRAHAM How do you not know where you are?
AARON I’m just a little lost. I’m looking for a restaurant called, Earth. Do you know where it is?
ABRAHAM What kind of a name is that for a restaurant?
Miriam slaps Abrahams shoulder. Miriam sounds like an older Fran Drescher.
MIRIAM (to Abraham) He must be new here. (to Aaron) You’re in the most Jewish part of the afterlife, darling. Borough Park, Brooklyn.
AARON I didn’t think Judaism had an afterlife?
MIRIAM It’s complicated.
Aaron sees Tubz and Slick come through a doorway. Slick points at Aaron and they both run after him.
AARON Okay. Thanks, anyway!
Aaron makes a run for it. He jumps on a human bus but the bus takes off and passes through him, leaving him standing in the middle of the road.
AARON (CONT'D) What the hell?
Tubz and Slick keep coming. Aaron dips and dives through traffic and stops short in front of a human car. He braces himself for impact but the car passes through him. He sighs in relief when, WHAM!. Aaron’s hit by a ghostly cab. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 13.
The cab SCREECHES to a halt. LENNY the ghostly cab driver, HONKS and sticks his head out the window.
LENNY Whatsamatta with you? Can’t you see I’m drivin’ here?
AARON You can see me?
LENNY Yeah. I see you, and the dent you put in my hood.
Slick grabs Aaron by the collar and stands him to his feet.
SLICK We got you now, kid.
LENNY Hey, Slick. Where’s that twenty buck you owe me, ya boob?
Slick let’s go of Aaron and flips off Lenny.
SLICK Screw you, Lenny! I won that bet fair and square.
Aaron makes a run for it.
Tubz slaps the back of Slick’s head.
TUBZ Idiot, you let him go!
EXT. KENSINGTON - STREET - NIGHT
Aaron turns around a corner and slows down to catch his breath. He looks around and sees Muslim ghosts roaming the streets in front of ghostly Halal restaurants and Hookah lounges. There’s ghostly merchant style shops along the sidewalk. GHOST MERCHANTS sell everything from Persian rugs to spices and incents. It’s like a scene out of an Indiana Jones movie.
Hipster humans are still out and roam the streets of Kensington. Aaron walks down the street and dips and dives around the human pedestrians. The Muslim ghosts look at him like he’s nuts. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 14.
EXT. HOUSE OF HALAL - CONTINUOUS
A loud SCREECHING comes from above Aaron’s head. He looks up and sees a ghostly subway that passes by. His eyes catch a digital clock that reads 8:30pm.
AARON (to himself) Shit! Where the hell am I?
MAN’S VOICE (O.S.) This is Ahkira! Where we must await our final judgement.
Aaron turns to find two male MUSLIM GHOSTS in full traditional garments. They stand at a table, smoking a hookah. A GHOSTLY WAITRESS drops off their food order.
AARON Do you know where I can find a restaurant called, Earth?
MUSLIM GHOST #1 Why yes. We do. I hear their grass has been fertilized with shredded artichokes and mung beans.
Aaron quivers.
AARON Do you know where I can find it?
MUSLIM GHOST #2 You must travel north to Bed-Stuy. But be very careful, my friend.
AARON Thanks, gentlemen.
Aaron hails a ghostly cab. The cab stops. Just as Aaron is about to jump in the Muslim Ghosts call out.
MUSLIM GHOST #1 Abyad! Stay away from the place they call, Tootsies. Nothing good ever comes from there.
Aaron waves thank you as he gets in the cab.
INT. GHOSTLY CAB - NIGHT
Lenny is the driver. He looks in the rear view mirror. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 15.
LENNY Where ya headed, kid?
Aaron checks the clock on the dash. It reads 8:35pm.
AARON I got time for a quick one. To Tootsies!
Lenny grins and steps on it.
EXT. HOUSE OF HALAL - CONTINUOUS
A doorway appears and Tubz and Slick walk through.
SLICK Let’s make this quick. I don’t like it here in Kensington.
TUBZ That’s because no one in Kensington likes you.
Tubz approaches the same Muslim Ghosts.
TUBZ (CONT'D) Good evening, gentlemen. Did you happen to see a scrawny kid come through here? Ugly little guy with tattoos. Looks like he hasn’t eaten in years.
MUSLIM GHOST #1 Yes, Tubz. He’s on his way to Bed- Stuy. He spoke of a restaurant called Earth.
Muslim Ghost #2 offers Tubz his shawarma. Tubz takes a bite. Slick approaches. Both Muslim Ghosts flip him off and yell in their mother tongue. MUSLIM GHOST #2 Kol kahara, Chelb!
MUSLIM GHOST #1 Telhas teeze, Abu Reiha!
Both Muslim Ghosts spit on the ground.
Slick grinds his teeth and gets in their faces.
SLICK Yeah. Screw you too! "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 16.
Tubz breaks it up and pushes Slick through a doorway that just appeared. The Muslim Ghosts turn to one another.
MUSLIM GHOST #2 Allah’s judgement cannot come any faster.
MUSLIM GHOST #1 Dealing with that asshole is punishment enough!
EXT. TOOTSIES TAVERN - NIGHT
An establishing shot of Tootsies Tavern. The windows and doorways are all boarded up. This bar has been abandoned for quite some time. BIKER GHOSTS hang around outside, smoking cigarettes and looking at their ghostly motorcycles. GHOSTLY HOOKERS approach but are quickly waved off by the Bikers.
INT. TOOTSIES TAVERN - NIGHT
The bar looks like nothing has changed since it’s glory days in the 80’s. It’s a true biker bar. Ghosts of all walks of life party it up and mingle. Small fights breakout left right and center but the GHOSTLY BARTENDER pays no mind as he spits shines empty mugs.
Aaron leans against the bar and watches the action. He’s in his element. He stands next to the ghost of AMUZ BROWN(40’s) a tattooed biker ghost, rocking black leather boots, a leather vest and sunglasses. If you look close enough, you can see the depths of Hell in the lenses.
AMUZ Of course I can get you outta here, brother. It’s gonna cost ya, though.
AARON Not a problem. My grandpa Vince will sort you out.
AMUZ (lowers his sunglasses) Vinny’s grandson, huh? The whole ghostly realm is talking about you, kid. (pushes his glasses up and extends his hand) The name’s Amuz. Drink?
Tubz and Slick walk into the bar and look around. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 17.
TUBZ I don’t see him nowhere.
SLICK He’s a degenerate. All the degenerates hang out here.
A group of MEN & WOMEN GHOSTS sit at a table drinking and yell out.
GROUP Three cheers for Slick. Hip, hip. Hooray! Hip, hip. Hooray! Hip, hip. Hooray!
Uncomfortable, Slick pops his collar and snubs the group.
Back at the bar Amuz hands Aaron a bottle of “Afterlife Lager”.
AMUZ Joint?
AARON Hell, yes! I’ve been dying for a toke.
Amuz snaps his fingers and a joint appears in his hand. He smiles as he lights it and passes it to Aaron.
AMUZ Tell me, Aaron. Where do you stand in this whole, good versus evil, thing?
Aaron takes a puff.
AARON To be honest, I’m not sure why I’m not in Hell as we speak. That’s where us Atheists go. No?
Aaron takes a few more puffs of the joint before passing it back to Amuz.
AMUZ (laughs) Aaron. I’m gonna let you in on a little secret. There is so much this Afterlife has to offer. But when you’re fightin’ that good fight, ain’t no partaking in the joys of death. (MORE) "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 18.
AMUZ (CONT'D) Now, me on the other hand, I like all the same things you like. Some good ol’ fashion fun. Catch ma drift?
AARON I’m pickin’ up what you’re puttin’ down.
AMUZ But if you go runnin’ with your gramps and those Cosa Morta fools, it ain’t gonna be nothin’ but work, work, work. That’s no way to be spending eternity.
AARON Alright but how does any of this help me get back to the living?
Amuz leans a little closer.
AMUZ I’ll send you back to the living whenever you want. But if I’m hookin’ you up, I gotta get somethin’ in return.
AARON Can you get me back, like right now? I got ten minutes to be at this restaurant or I’m screwed.
A contract appears in Amuz right hand and a flaming pen in his left.
AMUZ All you gotta do my friend is sign on the dotted line. We’ll do a quick, little, soul transaction and my associates and I will have you at that date with time to spare.
AARON Yo! A flaming pen ?! Man, either you’re working for the Devil or that ghost weed is crazy strong!
Amuz devilishly grins and the flames in his glasses grow higher. Aaron takes the contract and stares at the dotted line. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 19.
AMUZ What do ya say? An eternity of doin’ God’s dirty work. Or havin’ some fun with me and my boys? Livin’ that afterlife!
Amuz hands Aaron the flaming pen. Aaron slowly puts the pen to the paper. Suddenly Slick and Tubz appear. Tubz rips the contract from Aaron’s hand.
TUBZ Oh, no you don’t. We need to go.
AMUZ Casey Tubinski! Long time no see, baby. I think the last time I saw you I was, shootin’ you dead. No?
SLICK Cut the shit, Amuz. You and the Devil need to keep your hands off this one.
AARON Woah, now. You and gramps don’t get to decide how I spend eternity. I have no ties to any side, here.
Slick loses his cool and grabs Amuz by the collar.
SLICK What did you put in this kid’s head?
Every ghost in the place stops, stands, and stares at Slick.
AMUZ I wouldn’t if I were you, my friend.
All the ghosts approach and circle Tubz and Slick. Aaron slowly heads for the back door.
TUBZ Trust me, kid. Coming with us is the right thing to do.
AARON Says you. I know I got choices, and I choose to try and make it to this date.
Aaron checks the clock behind the bar. It’s 8:55pm. He makes a run for it. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 20.
AMUZ HEY KID!
Aaron turns around.
AMUZ (CONT'D) (evil grin) If you ever need anything. You don’t be a stranger. Ya dig?
Aaron nods then exits.
A brawl breaks out. Tubz kicks some serious ass while Slick cowards behind him.
EXT. BED-STUY - STREET - NIGHT
Aaron runs down the street. In the distance you can see the restaurant sign for Earth. Aaron sees his girlfriend CRYSTAL SAXSON (20’s) a punk rocker type, covered in tattoos. She steps out of a cab and into the restaurant.
AARON CRYSTAL! I’m here. I didn’t fuck up, this time!
DARK DEMONIC MOANS emit from a building across the street. Aaron stops and looks up to see an apartment unit that’s glowing red. The ground slightly VIBRATES. A petrified HUMAN WOMAN opens her window and yells.
HUMAN WOMAN Help! Someone help me!
HUMAN PASSERSBY pay no attention. Aaron looks up to the woman then back at the restaurant.
AARON Nope. I’m making this date even if I am dead. I’ll just pull a Patrick Swayze from Ghost.
He continues towards the restaurant.
HUMAN WOMAN Anyone! Please, help me!
The Human Passersby continue to ignore her. Aaron’s shocked.
AARON (to Human Passersby) Seriously? No one is gonna help that poor woman? "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 21.
Aaron sees a ghostly LOTTO SIGN that reads “Lotto 187. This weeks jackpot will bring you 10 years closer to Heaven!” Beneath the sign there’s a digital clock that reads 9pm.
AARON (CONT'D) Ugh! Where’s the human decency?
Aaron runs into the building as if it were on fire.
INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - STAIRCASE - NIGHT
Aaron makes his way up the stairs. He starts to slow down as he approaches the floor with the red glow. The DEMONIC MOANS get louder.
INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Aaron opens the door and peeks inside the apartment. He sees Vince pointing a GAUDY-LIKE 45 CALIBER PISTOL at a ghost named FINN O’REILY (50’s) an Irish mobster with a derby hat, a wife beater and suspenders. Finn is holding the human’s dinning room table over his head.
VINCE Put down the furniture, Finn. You’ve scared this human enough.
Vince’s pistol is sterling sliver with ornamental design all over it. The clip is see through and you can see it’s full of bullets that pulsate with a lava-like glow. The walls are VIBRATING. This is a powerful gun.
AARON Gramps? Is everything okay?
Vince looks back but keeps his gun on Finn.
VINCE What the hell did I say about calling me that? Now, go close the window.
Aaron lowers the window which scares the woman. She recoils in terror.
HUMAN WOMAN Whoever’s there. Please. Don’t hurt me.
AARON (to Finn) What’s got you so fired up, man? "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 22.
VINCE Not now, Aaron.
FINN Every night it’s the same shite. Garlic. Garlic. Garlic. This woman puts garlic in EVERYTHING!
VINCE Bullshit. You’re a piss poor excuse of a soul and you know it. You’ll never change.
AARON Come on gr- I mean, Vince. He can change.
VINCE Not this one. He’s been a bad seed for a long time.
FINN Why should I care about some human, anyway? Amuz was right. Being good gets you nowhere.
Finn’s about the smash the table. Vince steps closer and wraps his finger around the trigger. The VIBRATIONS and DEMONIC MOANS get even louder. Finn’s face goes from cocky to anxious.
The woman is mortified and faints.
AARON It’s not worth it. Whatever this gun does, this man doesn’t deserve it.
FINN He ain’t gonna do nothing. It’s a known fact that every time he sends someone to hell with that gun, he only adds more time to his own sentence in this shithole.
VINCE Yet I still signed up for the job. Now, put it down the table!
AARON Let me try reasoning with him. These things aren’t always black and white. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 23.
VINCE You’ve got ten seconds.
AARON Finn. Look. I’m not the biggest fan of garlic myself, but come on. You’re using that as an excuse.
Finn slightly lowers the table.
FINN No, I’m not.
AARON Bullshit. It doesn’t piss you off that you’ve been here all this time, doing good deeds but gettin’ nowhere?
FINN I guess.
Finn puts down the table.
AARON Aren’t you happy that, at least, there’s something after death? I mean, we now know what happens when you die. Something people have been dying to figure out. Pun intended. Shouldn’t you be happy that there’s an answer. Even if it involves a long wait?
Finn swells up. Vince is shocked that this is working. He lowers the gun.
AARON (CONT'D) People do good shit all the time, man. But if you’re keeping track of every little good thing you do then of course it’s gonna take forever. If you would just stop thinking about it and let it come naturally. I’m sure heaven, or whatever you believe in, will come a lot quicker.
Finn nods and turns to Vince.
FINN I’m sorry about everything, Don. I wasn’t actually gonna hurt her. I promise I’ll do better. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 24.
Vince is taken aback for the first time in a while.
VINCE Alright. Umm. Just start doing nice things for this woman. Clean up the place and fingers crossed she don’t call that nut, Freddy Frightening. We don’t need that ghost huntin’ freak, snoopin’ around our business.
FINN Yes, Don.
Finn starts to clean up.
Vince awkwardly pats Aaron on the back.
VINCE You did good, kid. You’re a natural.
AARON Mom always used to say, “try to see the good in everyone.”
Aaron is overwhelmed with sadness at the thought of his mother. Vince notices.
VINCE Don’t worry, kid. You can keep an eye on her but you gotta stick with us. Kapeesh?
Aaron nods.
A doorway appears and Slick and Tubz run through it.
TUBZ We got here as soon as we could, boss.
Both Slick and Tubz notice the mess.
SLICK What happened here?
VINCE (proudly) Nothin’ my grandson couldn’t handle.
Aaron’s frown stretches into a smile. He looks at the woman’s clock on the microwave. It’s 9:30pm. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 25.
AARON Shit! I’m late!
EXT. EARTH RESTAURANT - NIGHT
Aaron runs up just in time to watch a livid Crystal storm out of the restaurant and into a cab. Aaron lowers his head in defeat. Tubz, Slick and Vince walk up behind him. Tubz places his hand on Aaron’s shoulder.
TUBZ Sorry, Junior. It’s for the best.
AARON Is it, though?
VINCE Come on. Let’s get you home, kid.
Vince walks Aaron into a doorway that just appeared. Slick and Tubz follow.
INT. AARON’S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Slick, Tubz, Vince, and Aaron walk through a doorway that disappears behind them. Slick tries to mask the smell of Aaron’s apartment with his sleeve. Tubz takes the half eaten burrito from the cold hand of Aaron’s dead body and takes a bite.
AARON So, if that gun is how you send souls to Hell. Then how do you send souls to Heaven?
Vince smiles and opens his jacket. He pulls out TWO GUNS.
VINCE There’s only two ways out of the afterlife.
Vince holds out a second GAUDY-LIKE 45 CALIBER PISTOL. It’s sterling silver with ornate design and a see through handle. This one has a clip full of bullets that are pulsating a beautiful blue glow. The sounds of a HEAVENLY CHOIR emits from the gun.
VINCE (CONT'D) I call this one, The Promise Land. It’s a very peaceful one way ticket upstairs. (MORE) "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 26.
VINCE (CONT'D) When God gives me the word - BLAM! You’re on your way to the gates of Heaven.
AARON So, you Christians got it right about God, huh? Damn!
Aaron tries to cover up his shirt that reads “Keep Calm. We Atheists aren’t wrong!”
VINCE No. God comes in many forms, kid. All beliefs are right. God is everything that every religion thinks they are.
AARON So, you’re tellin’ me. God put an infamous Mafia Don in charge of the afterlife?
TUBZ (mouthful) Even God don’t shy away from a few favors, kid.
AARON You’re doin’ God’s dirty work, huh? I like it.
Slick stands in the corner and flicks his cigarette butt.
SLICK Show ’em what happens when you mess with us, boss.
Vince places The Promise Land back into it’s holster. He pulls out the other pistol from before. The DEMONIC MOANS begin again.
VINCE You got a glimpse of this one earlier but I call this one The Inferno. It’s a very painful, one way ticket to the depths of Hell. You mess around with my organization, you’ll learn very quickly how it works.
Aaron reaches for the gun.
AARON Can I touch it? "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 27.
Vince slaps Aaron’s hand and puts The Inferno back in it’s holster.
VINCE No one handles The Exits but me. I am the door man. The gate keeper. The chosen one.
Slick rolls his eyes.
AARON And you’re absolutely positive there isn’t a prison style shiv that will send me back to the living?
TUBZ He’s positive.
VINCE (getting annoyed) Any other dumbass questions you wanna ask before we leave you to clean up this shithole you call a home?
AARON Yeah. I got tons.
There’s a KNOCK at the door.
AARON (CONT'D) (calls out) Who is it?
SLICK Hey, bozo. The living can’t hear you.
The person KNOCKS again. They start to BANG on the door and try to open it. CRYSTAL (O.S.) Aaron Leroy Eskra. You open this door, right fuckin’ now, before I kick it in.
AARON Oh, shit. It’s my girlfriend. I’m scared!
BOOM! Crystal kicks in the door. She stands in the doorway, huffing and puffing. She walks into the apartment like a cyborg about to destroy humanity. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 28.
AARON (CONT'D) Baby. Please. Let me explain.
Crystal looks around.
CRYSTAL Where are you, you little piece of shit? You’ve stood me up for the last time!
Aaron stands in front of her but obviously she doesn’t see him.
AARON Baby. I’m sorry. I had the perfect date all planned out. I swear.
Crystal finds Aaron’s body on the floor amongst the trash.
CRYSTAL Passed out again, huh? WAKE UP!
Crystal kicks Aaron’s body.
CRYSTAL (CONT'D) Fine. You’ve left me no choice. I’m officially going back on Tinder.
Aaron drops to his knees.
AARON No, baby! Please, not Tinder!
Crystal storms out of the apartment.
SLICK That was awkward.
TUBZ Don’t worry, kid. There’s plenty of souls to be savin’ to keep your mind off her.
VINCE Speaking of saving souls. We need to get back to the office. We got a crisis on our hands.
A doorway appears. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 29.
AARON Are you talking about those charts I saw at La Cosa Morta office?
SLICK Yeah. What’s it to ya?
AARON At a glance you can see the number of souls crossing over into heaven are dropping. Clearly you’re having a hard time.
VINCE And?
AARON And, what if you’re looking at it all wrong. What if it’s not about converting souls but convincing souls?
VINCE What’s your point, son?
AARON My point is. Us Atheists and Agnostics account for 15.6% Of the world’s population. Instead of converting bad souls good. Why not convince non-believers to being believers?
Vince and Tubz look at each other in a moment of clarity.
SLICK The non-believers are like wild animals. You’ll never get them to fall in line.
AARON Those are my people. Let me handle it. All you need to do is show me where they are.
Vince and Tubz look at each other again but this time in fear.
CUT TO: "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 30.
EXT. CONEY ISLAND - NIGHT
The lights in Coney Island shine bright and there’s not a human in sight. Ghosts on the other hand, run rampant in the park.
As we cruise through the park we see GHOSTS having sex on the midway games. GHOSTS fighting for fun. There’s MALE GHOSTS making out and holding hands. There’s FEMALE GHOSTS making out and flirting.
We get to the pier and there’s GHOSTS gambling and playing dice by the pier benches. DRAG QUEEN GHOSTS walk the pier as if it’s a fashion runway.
This is where the Non-Believers and the LGBTQ ghostly community live. They’ve both been outcast by old school religious beliefs but are united as a proud anarchist society. This place is Aaron’s wet dream!
FADE OUT.