Livin' the Afterlife
Total Page:16
File Type:pdf, Size:1020Kb
LIVIN' THE AFTERLIFE "Doin' God's Dirty Work" Written and Created by Ryan Johnston [email protected] (306) 951 - 0161 FADE IN: INT. BOARD ROOM - NIGHT The room is dimly lit and the sounds of office CHATTER can be heard. In the middle of the room there’s a large table with five black, leather chairs surrounding it. Three of which are occupied. VINCENZO VONALINI a.k.a. VINCE (50’s) The notorious Brooklyn Mafia Don, walks in through a doorway that’s marked with a cross. He’s a short balding man in a crisp suit. He has a half smoked cigar that dangles from his lips that’s always lit. VINCE Listen up. We’re gonna get shut down if we don’t get these numbers up fast. GANDHI sits in his chair, wearing his infamous white toga, and raises his hand. VINCE (CONT'D) Gandhi. How can Hinduism help? GANDHI The future depends on what we do in the present. VINCE (rolls his eyes) I’m aware. Anyone else? MUHAMMED ALI raises his hand. VINCE (CONT'D) Ali. What about the Muslim faith? MUHAMMED ALI Don’t count the days. Make the days count. VINCE (annoyed) I ain’t lookin’ for famous quotes. Kapeesh? (composes himself) Anne. What about Judaism? Vince turns to an empty chair with a Star of David on the headrest. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 2. VINCE (CONT'D) Anne? ANNE FRANK (O.S.) Down here. Vince looks under the table and finds ANNE FRANK hiding. VINCE Ms. Frank. Would you like to join us at the table today? ANNE FRANK Nope. I’m good. VINCE Of course. Buddha. What about you? Buddha’s chair turns to reveal the DALAI LAMA sitting in it. He GIGGLES. BUDDHA walks in the boardroom through a doorway marked with a Dharma Wheel. BUDDHA Sorry I’m late. The Dalai Lama has been antagonizing me all day. Buddha turns his chair to find the Dalai Lama. BUDDHA (CONT'D) (frightened) What is wrong with you?! Leave me alone! The Dalai Lama GIGGLES and vanishes. BUDDHA (CONT'D) I can’t stand that guy! First he tries to steal all the credit for my religion and now he’s harassing me from the living. Stressed, Buddha drops in his chair. Gandhi places his hand on Buddha’s. GANDHI Be the change that you wish to see in the world. Buddha takes a deep breath. BUDDHA Thank you, my Dharmic brother. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 3. VINCE EH! We’re losing the fight of good versus evil, here. We need a fresh take on things to get these numbers up, or else we’ll all be banished to Hell! CUT TO: INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT The apartment is dimly lit. It’s so filthy that you can practically smell it. The walls are covered in heavy metal and video game posters. The apartment is a shithole. A bong GURGLES as we see our protagonist, AARON ESKRA (20’s) a malnourished metalhead, as he takes a hit. He coughs and spits up all over his shirt. He catches his breath just as there’s a KNOCK at the door. AARON Come in! The door opens and CARL HIGGINS (50’s) the homeless man who lives outside of Aaron’s building, stands in the hall holding out a Mexican food delivery bag. Carl is taken aback by the smell of Aaron’s apartment. CARL Why are you ordering delivery? I thought you had a big date tonight? Carl hands Aaron the delivery bag while masking the smell of Aaron’s apartment with his sleeve. AARON Yeah, but she wants me to take her to some hipster joint called, Earth. I don’t eat grass, I smoke it. So, I figured a quick bong rip and a bite to eat might make this place tolerable. Carl notices flowers and chocolates on top of the TV. CARL Pulling out all the stops I see. AARON (fighting a yawn) After how badly I messed up the last date, I need to make sure this one goes perfectly. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 4. Aaron pulls a burrito out of the bag and tosses it to Carl. Carl catches it with a smile. CARL God bless you, Aaron. You’re always taking care of me. (to himself) Yes. I know. Okay I will. (to Aaron) William says thank you, also. Aaron looks behind Carl but doesn’t see anyone. AARON William is your imaginary friend? CARL Dead husband. AARON Wonderful. Tell William I say you’re welcome. Carl exits and closes the door. You can hear him talking to himself as he walks down the hall. Aaron turns on the TV and dives into his bag of Mexican food. He begins to chew his food but slowly falls asleep. Next thing you know he’s out cold. A MOMENT. Suddenly Aaron shoots out of his lazy-boy chair and panics as he chokes. He grabs the TV and rams it into his stomach to try and give himself the Heimlich. He drops the TV on his foot, falls back and hits his head. His body drops, twitches, and goes limp. A MOMENT. A doorway appears on Aaron’s apartment wall. Two men step out of the bright light that shines behind them. The first man is the ghost of SIDNEY SLICKOWSKI a.k.a. SLICK (40’s) a skinny ghost who wears a suit and fedora. This guy’s got a cold blooded look in his eyes. Next to him stands the ghost of CASEY TUBINSKI a.k.a. TUBZ (50’s) a fat ghost with greased up hair, wearing a gold chain and a track suit. Tubz takes a bite of the sandwich he’s holding. TUBZ (mouthful) Where is he? "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 5. SLICK He’s gotta be somewhere in this dump. Slick kicks around some trash on the ground. SLICK (CONT'D) (disgusted) What’s that smell? Tubz analyzes his sandwich. TUBZ Capicola, mortadella, genoa, black olives- SLICK Idiot! That other smell. TUBZ Well, the kid is dead, Slick. SLICK He just died, you numbskull! Tubz takes another bite of his sandwich as Aaron’s ghostly form slowly sits up, out of his body. Tubz and Slick stand over Aaron with their finger guns out. TUBZ (mouthful) FREEZE, YOU MOOGATZ OR YOU’LL BE SLEEPIN’ WITH THE FISHES! SLICK You’ll be pushin’ up daisies, kid. Aaron backs away. AARON Please, don’t shoot. I’m too young to die. Slick and Tubz look at each other and LAUGH. SLICK Too late for that one, dumb, dumb! Aaron’s confused. TUBZ He means you’re already dead, kid. Checked out. Kapeesh’d. Done. (MORE) "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 6. TUBZ (CONT'D) No more. Slayed. Offed. Wasted. Departed- SLICK I think he gets the point, Tubz. Tubz takes another bite of his sandwich and points at Aaron’s dead body with it. Aaron’s shocked. He sees his cell phone next to his body. The phone reads 8pm and an ALARM goes off reminding him of his date. AARON Shit! This doesn’t work for me, fellas. I have an hour to get to my date or my old lady is gonna kill me. VINCE (O.S.) You ain’t goin’ nowhere, kid. Aaron turns to see a bright light. Vince steps in front of the light and into the apartment. AARON Who are you? VINCE The name’s Vincenzo Vonalini- AARON Leader of the infamous Vonalini crime organization? The man who organized and executed the Easter Sunday Massacre of 82? TUBZ In the spirit. AARON But you’ve been dead for like- VINCE 31 years, 253 days, 16 hours and... (checks his watch) 23 minutes. AARON (in awe) So I’m dead? Like... Dead, dead? TUBZ I think your body speaks for itself. "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 7. AARON No, no, no. I finally got this date thing right! I need to make it to that restaurant. SLICK (to Vince) The kid’s a bit of an idiot, boss. You sure he’s got the stuff to be a made man? Tubz bites into his sandwich. TUBZ He’s a Vonalini. (beat of chewing) It’s in his blood. Slick rolls his eyes and lights a cigarette. VINCE He’s stubborn. Just like his old man. AARON Hold up. I’m a Vonalini? Vince takes a drag of his cigar. VINCE Your dad’s name is Giovanni Vonalini. He loved you and your mother very much. But your mother never did approve of the family business so she kept you from us all these years. AARON Hah. Classic mom. So, that makes you my grandpa? Vince winces. VINCE For professionality’s sake, just call me Vince. AARON So, where is my dad? VINCE Well, kid- "Doin' God's Dirty Work" 8. Vince’s cell phone RINGS. His ring tone is the theme song from the God Father. He answers. VINCE (CONT'D) Yes? (beat) I’ll be right there. Vince hangs up the phone. VINCE (CONT'D) That was an associate in Bed-Stuy. There’s a rat I gotta turn. (to Tubz) Give the kid the lowdown and show him around a bit. Kapeesh? Tubz stands to attention and salutes Vince with a chocolate bar. AARON But, gramps. Can’t I come with you? Vince glares at Aaron. VINCE (short tempered) Don’t call me that! (to Tubz) Whatever you do, don’t let him out of your sight. A doorway appears and Vince walks through it.