Boys Friendships During Adolescence: Intimacy, Desire, and Loss
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JOURNAL OF RESEARCH ON ADOLESCENCE, 23(2), 201–213 Boys’ Friendships During Adolescence: Intimacy, Desire, and Loss Niobe Way New York University Longitudinal, mixed method research on friendships, conducted over the past two decades with Black, Latino, Asian, and European American boys, reveals three themes: (1) the importance for boys of being able to share their secrets with their close friends; (2) the importance of close friendships for boys’ mental health; and (3) the loss of but contin- ued desire for close male friendships as boys transitioned from middle to late adolescence. While boys often had inti- mate male friendships during early and middle adolescence, they typically lost such friendships by late adolescence, even though they continued to want them. Other researchers have reported similar patterns over the past century, sug- gesting a need to revise our conceptions of boys’ friendships as well as of boys themselves. It is the middle of June and the New York City have a trust, respect, and love for each other. heat is on full blast making it even hotter in the It just happens, it’s human nature. empty high school classroom where 15-year-old Justin and his interviewer Jose sit in the late after- Listening to boys, particularly during early and noon. Justin is being interviewed for the second middle adolescence, speak about their male friend- time for our school-based research project on boys’ ships is like reading an old-fashioned romance social and emotional development. There is neither novel where the female protagonist is describing an air conditioner nor a fan in the classroom so her passionate feelings for her man. At the edge of Justin, in his baggy jeans and tee-shirt, pulls out a manhood when pressures to conform to gender notebook from his backpack and begins to fan him- expectations intensify (Hill & Lynch, 1983), boys self as he listens to Jose begin the interview proto- speak about their male friends with abandon, col. The first set of questions is about Justin’s referring to them as people whom they love, and friends and he responds by discussing his network as Justin says, “this thing that is deep, so deep, it’s of peers in school. Turning to the topic of close within you, you can’t explain it.” They tell their friendships, he says: interviewers in great detail and with tremendous affect about their best friends with whom they [My best friend and I] love each other … share their deepest secrets and without whom they that’s it … you have this thing that is deep, would “feel lost.” Set against a culture that so deep, it’s within you, you can’t explain it. perceives boys and men to be “activity-oriented,” It’s just a thing that you know that that “emotionally illiterate,” and interested only in person is that person … and that is all that independence, these stories seem surprising. The should be important in our friendship … I lone cowboy, the cultural icon of masculinity in the guess in life, sometimes two people can United States, suggests that what boys want and really, really understand each other and really need most are opportunities for competition and autonomy. Yet over 85% of the American boys we have interviewed throughout adolescence for the This paper was the presidential address for the 2012 biennial past 20 years suggest that their closest friendships conference of the Society for Research on Adolescence held in — Vancouver, Canada. Portions of the paper are reprinted by per- especially those during early and middle adoles- mission of the publisher from Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and cence—share the plot of Love Story more than the the Crisis of Connection by Niobe Way, 1–3, 6–7, 20, 96, 97, 98, 125, plot of Lord of the Flies. Boys from different walks 184, 211, 279, Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, Copy- of life greatly valued their close male friendships © right 2011 by the President and Fellows of Harvard College. and saw them as critical components to their emo- The author wishes to thank the following organizations for funding the research presented in this paper: The National Sci- tional well-being, not because their friends were ence Foundation, The William T. Grant Foundation (The William worthy opponents in the competition for manhood T. Grant Foundation Faculty Scholars Award), and New York but because they were able to share their thoughts University. She also wishes to thank the dozens of students and colleagues who have assisted in the collection and interpretation of the data. Requests for reprints should be sent to Niobe Way, 246 © 2013 The Author Greene Street, Department of Applied Psychology, New York, Journal of Research on Adolescence © 2013 Society for Research on Adolescence NY 10003. E-mail: [email protected] DOI: 10.1111/jora.12047 202 WAY and feelings—their deepest secrets—with these predominantly African American, Latino, or Asian friends. American and come from poor, working class, or Yet when one looks at the research on adoles- lower-middle-class families living in urban areas. cent boys, discussions of close friendships are While not the “norm” in developmental studies of almost entirely absent. When male friendships are adolescents, these boys represent demographically discussed, they are often relegated to the superfi- the majority or close to the majority of teenage cial category of “buddies” and described as a boys in the United States. According to the 2006 “loose collections of peers that offer very little shar- and 2010 U.S. census, approximately 80% of Ameri- ing or emotional support” (Biddulph, 2008, p. 40). cans live in urban areas, 80% are poor, working Male friends are framed as back-slapping pals class or lower middle class, and 44% of youth more interested in playing, competing, and boast- under 20 years old are ethnic or racial minorities ing about various types of conquests than in talk- (see also Gilbert, 2002). Furthermore, my colleagues ing together or sharing their inner lives (Oransky and I are currently detecting similar themes in & Marecek, 2009). These relationships are, in boys’ friendships in a new sample of working-class essence, defined by their simplicity rather than by and middle-class White, Black, Latino, and Asian their complexity, emotional nuance, and depth. American boys whom we have followed from 6th While these representations of boys’ friendships grade to 11th grade (see Way, Cressen, Bodian, are considered true for all boys, ethnic minority Preston, Nelson, & Hughes, submitted). Over the next and poor and working class boys, particularly few pages, I will describe each of the three themes those who are Black and Latino, are assumed to be and provide evidence from the interview data of even less likely than their White peers to have the 135 boys followed throughout high school. emotionally expressive male friendships (Wilson, 1987). Such boys are often stereotyped as “hyper” SHARING SECRETS IN FRIENDSHIPS masculine and thus considered unlikely to have friendships that entail much vulnerability (Steven- Two boys describe their friendships at the ages of son, 2004). While Asian males are exempt from 14 and 15, respectively: stereotypes of “hyper” masculinity, they too are burdened with stereotypes about being unemo- I’ve got two best friends—Willy and Brian. tional and inexpressive. These qualities, however, Like sometimes when me and Willy argue, are perceived to stem from Asian culture rather me and Brian are real close. Then when me than from “hyper” masculinity (Lee, 2005; Lei, and Brian are not doing so good, me and 2003). Willy are real close. It’s like circles of love. Yet my longitudinal studies of the social and Sometimes, we’re all close. emotional development of boys from early to late adolescence suggest a very different story of boys My ideal best friend is a close, close friend and boys’ friendships, including the friendships of who I could say anything to … ’cause some- those who are Black, Latino, and Asian American times you need to spill your heart out to (for details of my studies, including the methods of somebody and if there’s nobody there, then analysis, see Way, 2011). Content analyses of the you gonna keep it inside, then you will have semistructured interviews of 135 boys, who were anger. So you need somebody to talk to freshman in high school during the first year of my always. 3–5 year longitudinal studies of friendships, sug- gested three themes: (1) the importance of and Secret sharing or talking intimately with best desire for sharing secrets in their close friendships; friends was how the boys in my studies defined a (2) the importance of close friendships for their best friend, and betrayal of this confidence was the mental health; and (3) the loss of such friendships primary cause for terminating a close friendship. and/or trust as they transitioned from middle to Mark says in his freshman year: “(My best late adolescence, although they continued to desire friend) could just tell me anything and I could tell such friendships. These themes were evident in the him anything. Like I always know everything interviews of over half of the boys in my studies, about him …. We always chill, like we don’t hide with themes such as the desire for intimacy and secrets from each other. We tell each other our the importance of close friendships for mental problems.” When asked to explain why he feels health being evident in the interviews of over 85% close to his best friend, Marcus says: “If I’m having of the boys. The boys in my studies are problems at home, they’ll like counsel me, I just BOYS’ FRIENDSHIPS : 2012 SRA PRESIDENTIAL ADDRESS 203 trust them with anything, like deep secrets, any- problems.