Premarital Counseling

Premarital Counseling: Hierarchical and Egalitarian Carey McGrath Evangelical Christians can agree: marriage is a foundational re- the complementarian view, and Christians for Biblical Equality, lationship ordained and blessed by God. It is the beginning of representing the egalitarian viewpoint. Complementarian view- healthy, stable families and forms the groundwork for children points stress male headship and female submission. Egalitarians navigating through the world. It provides the basis for their prefer to talk about biblical equality and mutual submission.3 worldview and even for learning about God. Evangelicals also The organizations Christians for Biblical Equality and the Coun- agree that premarital counseling can be a good way to start off cil for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood were created to repre- a strong marriage. Jack and Judith Balswick explain that the present and distribute information about these two views concern- marital stage is the stage of differentiating from the family of ing the relationship between men and women. origin: “The goal of differentiation is to develop a clear sense of The Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood self that enables one to relate to and interact with others in inter- (CBMW) was formed in 1987 in direct response to the begin- dependent ways. . . . Success in differentiation gives one the best ning of the group that is now Christians for Biblical Equality. The chances for a mature marriage.”1 main document describing its doctrine is the Danvers Statement. Evangelicals do not always agree, however, on the roles of This group felt that evangelicals were being too greatly influ- each marriage partner and how each partner should interact in enced by the feminist movement and something should be done the family to create healthy family relationships and to please to maintain the roles of men and women. With the creation of the God. The debate is widespread and ongoing. It evokes emotions organization also came the new term “complementarian.” They and challenges deep-rooted beliefs, teachings, and traditions. define the position this way: The purpose of this article is to compare two different doctrines within evangelicalism in regard to premarital counseling. While Men and women are equal in the image of God, but maintain there are many different theoretical approaches to counseling, I complementary differences in role and function. In the home, have asked for premarital counseling referrals from gender hi- men lovingly are to lead their wives and family as women in- erarchists and egalitarians, compared them to each other, com- telligently are to submit to the leadership of their husbands.4 pared them to their doctrine, and have come to conclusions based on the findings. Male hierarchists also believe that to differ from their interpretation of the Bible concerning the issues of manhood and woman- Hierarchists and egalitarians hood is to disregard God’s word: “God’s design for manhood and womanhood is being attacked on many fronts. CBMW believes Male hierarchy and egalitarianism are considered generally to be that at the heart of all of these challenges is a disregard for the opposing views; however, they are not opposite of each other. If authority, clarity, and integrity of God’s word.”5 The mission of the views were on a line diagram with husbands dominating over the CBMW is “to set forth the teachings of the Bible about the wives on the left and wives dominating husbands on the right, complementary differences between men and women, created male hierarchy would fall about three-quarters of the way to equally in the image of God, because these teachings are essential the left. Egalitarianism would be in the center. The opposite of for obedience to Scripture and for the health of the family and the male hierarchy, then, is a relationship in which the woman has church.”6 According to their Web site, these biblical truths super- the God-given authority to make the final decisions and lead her sede talents and gifting of individuals: “In both men and women family, and her husband must submit to her leadership. The on- a heartfelt sense of call to ministry should never be used to set line Wikipedia describes the views this way: aside Biblical criteria for particular ministries (1 Tim 2:11–15, 3:1– Christian egalitarianism (derived from the French word égal, 13; Tit 1:5–9). Rather, Biblical teaching should remain the author- meaning equal or level), also known as biblical equality, is ity for testing our subjective discernment of God’s will.”7 They a Christian form of the moral doctrine of Egalitarianism. also declare that “We are convinced that a denial or neglect of It holds that all human persons are created equally in God’s these principles will lead to increasingly destructive consequenc- sight—equal in fundamental worth and moral status. This view es in our families, our churches, and the culture at large.”8 One does not just apply to gender, but to religion, skin colour and hierarchist expands on this belief that people should act based on any other differences between individuals. . . . The opposing their gender rather than on gifting: view is Complementarianism that differing, often non-over- CAREY Mcgrath has a BA in Christianity and cul- lapping roles between men and women, manifested in mar- ture from Trinity Western University and is work- riage, church leadership, and elsewhere; is biblically required.2 ing on an MA in counseling at Colorado Christian An article in Christianity Today states, University. She is on the board of the Northern Colorado chapter of CBE, where she serves as pro- The different viewpoints are represented institutionally by the gram coordinator. Carey and her husband have Council on Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, representing four small children ages 1, 3, 5, and 7.

Priscilla Papers ◆ Vol. 26, No. 4 ◆ Autumn 2012 • 5 Paul says the same to everyone. God has placed the husband When asked why she espouses this view if she does not counsel in the position of responsibility. It does not matter what kind it, she responded, “Because we are Reformed, and that is what of personality a man may have. Your wife may be resisting Reformed believes.” She said that she could think of no good you, fighting you, and spurning your attempts to lead, but it books about hierarchical premarital counseling. She said that she makes no difference. I believe our wives want us and need us “thinks about it, but we do not practice it.” To her, male hierarchy to lead. You are not demanding this position; on the contrary, is the “foundational context” of counseling, but Christ is the head God placed you there. You will not lead her perfectly, but you and bread of life. The only time she might consider bringing in must care for your wife and family by serving them with per- the doctrine is when the couple is trying to build a relationship, severance.9 but, “at the end of the day, helping bring safety is more important than complementarianism.”19 This doctrine is so important to hierarchists that they believe it is The organization’s Web site offers a wealth of information necessary for furthering the gospel of Christ: “Biblical manhood concerning premarital counseling, including an article titled and womanhood is the life-transforming effect of the gospel on “Premarital Counseling for Married People”: full display.”10 The model of marriage that best fits the hierarchical view is The sweetest gift, husbands, that you can give your wife, and the traditional, patriarchal model.11 The ideas of marriage fit the the sweetest gift, wives, that you can give your husband, is your criteria for this model in that the role of leadership in the family pure devotion to Christ. . . . If a husband loves Christ more is reserved for the father: than anything else, and a wife loves Christ more than anything else, they will move toward the same goal. Look at that person In the less authoritarian Christian version of the patriarchal to whom you are married as the bride of Christ, and do every- model, the husband is seen as the head of his wife as Christ thing you can to encourage their devotion to Christ.20 is the head of the church; the husband also emulates Christ’s role as the suffering servant. The husband remains head of the Another resource for premarital counseling recommended by home, however and he is expected to make decisions and as- both CBMW and Christians for Biblical Equality was the PRE- sign responsibilities.12 PARE/ENRICH program. PREPARE/ENRICH is a set of inventories put out by an organization called Life Innovations: Recommendations for premarital counseling from PREPARE/ENRICH is a customized couple assessment com- hierarchists pleted online that identifies a couple’s strength and growth One prominent hierarchical organization, when contacted by areas. . . . Based on a couple’s assessment results, a trained phone, gave recommendations for premarital counseling.13 Two facilitator provides 4–8 feedback sessions in which the facili- books recommended were The Exemplary Husband14 and This tator helps the couple discuss and understand their results as Momentary Marriage.15 While the organizational representative they are taught proven relationship skills.21 admitted that these books did not deal directly with premarital The program has 75,000 trained facilitators and has administered issues, he could not think of any book to recommend that did. more than 2.5 million tests worldwide. The program is highly He also made a referral to an organization offering a variety of recommended and reviewed by many scholars. The Journal of services, including counseling, classroom training, distance edu- Marital and Family Therapy concludes, “PREPARE’s strengths cation, publications, and conferences.16 This group believes that include its relatively shorter length, comprehensiveness, and ease Christ should be a present and active agent in counseling and of administration and interpretation. PREPARE has multiple that counseling should flow through that filter. As part of their measures of reliability and validity. Excellent supplemental coun- mission statement, they explain, “We have a passion for personal seling materials are available.”22 There is no mention in the inven- change that is centered in the person of Christ.”17 Noticeably ab- tories of hierarchical values being the only way to live in a bibli- sent, however, is any reference to the hierarchical view. A search cal way; however, the assessments do take an inventory of the of the organization’s Web site for the hierarchical keywords couple’s expectations of gender roles. I asked Jan McCormack, a headship, complementarian, submission, gender roles, and gender teacher of the program and professor at Denver Seminary, if she yielded no results. considers the program to be egalitarian. She replied: In a personal interview, a therapist from the organization was asked what role male hierarchy plays in the counseling room, The way Life Innovations wrote the inventories, a couple particularly in premarital counseling. The therapist replied that, where BOTH score traditional 1950s family or BOTH score while she may keep the ideas in the back of her head, she would egalitarian would read as a couple STRENGTH, since they as never tell anyone explicitly her beliefs about it. She said that this a COUPLE agree on roles. . . . IF one was each—it would show could lead to danger, such as an abused woman being told to as a problem [for] the couple. Our job as counselors is to help stay with her abusive husband. For premarital counseling, she couples [with] the up/down sides of their expectations [espe- recommended the book Should We Get Married?18 She said that cially] if/when circumstances change due to illness, economy, nowhere in the book does the author allude to male hierarchy. changed experiences/values . . . etc.23

6 • Priscilla Papers ◆ Vol. 26, No.4 ◆ Autumn 2012 Christians for Biblical Equality Empowerment, and Intimacy,32 Not Your Parents’ Marriage: Bold Partnership for a New Generation,33 Heirs Together: Applying the Christians for Biblical Equality (CBE) was started in 1988, issu- Biblical Principle of Mutual Submission in Your Marriage,34 Mar- ing a document called “Men, Women, and Biblical Equality.”24 riage Made in Eden: A Pre-modern Perspective in a Post-Christian According to CBE, equality is the way that the Bible as a whole World,35 and Before the Ring: Questions Worth Asking.36 All of should be interpreted: these books, articles, and resources articulate explicitly the idea What is biblical equality? It is the belief that all people are of biblical equality and mutuality in marriage and can be read by equal before God and in Christ. All have equal responsibility an engaged couple to help in their marriage preparation. to use their gifts and obey their calling to the glory of God. Implications for premarital counseling God freely calls believers to roles and ministries without regard to class, gender, or race. We believe this because the Bible One hierarchist strictly teaches that the husband is to make the and Jesus Christ teach it to us. That is biblical equality.25 final decision in the home, especially in conflict:

The mission of CBE is the following: “CBE equips believers by They came to me together, and he said to me, “You know, affirming the biblical truth about equality and justice. Thus, all Mary”—let’s call her Mary—“she is just so much smarter than believers, without regard to gender, ethnicity, and class, are free I am, and she reads way better than I do. Whenever she leads and encouraged to use their God-given gifts in ministries, com- it goes pretty good, and frankly I feel very inferior to her. I’m munities, and families.”26 In contrast to gender-based roles, CBE happy to let her do it.” I said, “Well”—let’s call him Joe—“OK believes: Joe, I’ll just believe what you said: she’s smarter and she reads better. But you know what? That doesn’t change anything. The Bible teaches that both women and men are called to de- You really should be the leader here. Let me give you an il- velop their spiritual gifts and to use them as stewards of the lustration of how to do it. Are you able to say at 8 o’clock to- grace of God (1 Peter 4:10–11). Both men and women are di- night, ‘Hey kids, come on in here. Come into the living room. vinely gifted and empowered to minister to the whole Body of We’re going to have devotions.’ Can you say that? “Yes, I can Christ, under His authority (Acts 1:14; 18:26; 21:9; Rom 16:1–7; say that.” “Well say that, and then when they’re all there you 12–13, 15; Phil 4:2–3; Col 4:15; see also Mark 15:40–41; 16:1–7; can say, ‘OK, we’re going to be reading through the Gospel of Luke 8:1–3; John 20:17–18; compare also Old Testament ex- John. Let’s all open our Bibles.’ And when they all open their amples: Judges 4:4–14; 5:7; 2 Chron 34:22–28; Prov 31:30–31; Bibles say, ‘Now, Mary, why don’t you read the first fourteen Micah 6:4). 27 verses here for us?’ And when she finishes reading the verses, CBE believes that its interpretation of equality in the Bible is es- you can say, ‘Jimmy, why don’t you pray and then I’ll pray?’ sential in furthering the gospel of Christ, not insisting on living Can you do that?” He said, “Yeah.” That’s leadership. Leader- within certain roles, but by setting men and women free to serve ship has nothing to do with competency here. It is the courage God as they are gifted. This perspective is reflected in the organi- of initiative-taking.37 zation’s core purpose and envisioned future statements: Another hierarchist counselor asks, Core Purpose: To communicate broadly the biblical truth that Do you appeal to the Bible for help when you have conflicts men and women are equally responsible to act justly and use or confusing decisions to make? . . . When was the last time their God-given gifts to further Christ’s kingdom. Envisioned God’s plans, purposes, and concerns made a difference to Future: CBE envisions a future where all believers will be en- what you thought, said, or did as a couple? Learning to deal couraged to exercise their gifts for God’s glory and missional with pressure before you get married will give you a founda- purposes, with the full support of their Christian communities.28 tion for handling them within marriage. Now is the time to learn when to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), when Egalitarian marriage and premarital resources to overlook a fault (Proverbs 19:11), and when to submit to one The model of marriage that best describes the position of CBE is another in love (Ephesians 5:21).38 the empowerment model; that is, when “[f]amily members use Still another hierarchist contends, their gifts and resources for one another.”29 Biblical equality is de- scribed by the Balswicks’ theological basis of relationship, which The egalitarian claim that Paul insists on a “mutual submis- is a spiral of initial covenant, degree of grace, degree of empower- sion” contradicts the context of Paul’s argument and revises the ing, degree of intimacy, leading to mature covenant.30 church’s historical understanding of this passage. It would be In addition to the PREPARE/ENRICH program, CBE also absurd to suggest that Paul believes parents should submit to recommended a list of egalitarian therapists on their Web site. their children or masters to their slaves. Equally outrageous is They referred me to their online bookstore featuring many books the egalitarian claim for husbands to submit to their wives.39 on egalitarian marriage. These include Two Become One: God’s This results in confusion for the premarital couple who wants to Blueprint for Couples,31 Model for Marriage: Covenant Grace, please God in their marriage. Do they submit to one another as

Priscilla Papers ◆ Vol. 26, No. 4 ◆ Autumn 2012 • 7 the egalitarian counselor says, or is that “outrageous,” as the hier- section 7 of the Danvers Statement: “In all of life Christ is the su- archist claims? Does the husband make the final decision, or does preme authority and guide for men and women, so that no earthly the couple appeal to the Bible together when there is a conflict? Is submission—domestic, religious, or civil—ever implies a mandate the egalitarian counselor actually denying Scripture by not coun- to follow a human authority into sin (Dan 3:10–18; Acts 4:19–20; seling male hierarchy? Is it truly not possible for the new couple 5:27–29; 1 Pet 3:1–2) .” 44 This makes the belief a private belief. to have a healthy marriage if they choose not to be hierarchical? In the same way, CBE’s egalitarian position says, If, on the other hand, the premarital couple decides to have Neither spouse is to seek to dominate the other, but each is to an egalitarian marriage, they should be engaged in discovering act as servant of the other, in humility considering the other giftedness, talents, and callings. Each spouse is to be account- as better than oneself. In case of decisional deadlock, they able to God, and each person has something unique to bring to should seek resolution through biblical methods of conflict the relationship. Premarital counseling is about discovering each resolution rather than by one spouse imposing a decision other’s strengths and weaknesses. If the couple decides that, in upon the other. In so doing, husband and wife will help the fact, the husband does have more leadership abilities, they have Christian home stand against improper use of power and au- the freedom to live that way. If the couple decides that one spouse thority by spouses and will protect the home from wife and will make decisions about finances and the other about child dis- child abuse that sometimes tragically follows a hierarchical cipline, they have the freedom to do that. If one spouse loves to interpretation of the husband’s “headship.”45 cook and the other loves to mow the lawn, they have the freedom to do that. If one spouse feels called to lead home Bible devotions This demonstrates that it would not violate egalitarian belief to and the other feels called to lead bedtime stories, they are free to advise a wife to seek safety from an abusive husband, because do that. This freedom makes a family strong because it calls upon there is no mandate for the wife to be solely submissive in the first each person’s strengths. place. This would make it a core belief, because circumstances A premarital couple will have to decide upon their core beliefs cannot violate the commitment to equality. about their relationship and act accordingly. Pastor Burt Wright Conclusion of the Evangelical Covenant Church in Fort Collins, Colorado, says, “We can say what we believe all day long, but we end up do- I did not start out this research to prove a point about either view. ing what we actually believe.”40 Pastor Arny Guin of Crossroads I started out to study premarital counseling from two different church in Greeley, Colorado, concurs. He has been doing pre- perspectives. I felt offended that many male hierarchists believe marital counseling for many years, and believes that “marriage is that couples who choose to live based on gifting are putting the a partnership—the two shall become one. Roles look different for health of their families at stake. This research has convinced me every couple. Our goal isn’t to dissect roles, but to create a partner- that premarital counseling is best when the talents, personalities, ship that will last forty, fifty, sixty years. I put reality over theory.”41 and gifting are explored. I believe that it can hurt the premarital Michael Novak identifies three types of belief: public, pri- couple if they try to live within gender expectations rather than vate, and core. Public beliefs are those that one tells other people gifting. As a future premarital therapist, I plan to help couples about. Private beliefs are those that one thinks and says one be- explore what strengths they can bring into the relationship in or- lieves, yet, when circumstances change, these beliefs could also der to create healthy intimacy. My core belief is that we all have change. Core beliefs are those that one truly believes and can spiritual gifts and should be free to use them. never violate.42 According to the recommendations and experiences of premarital counselors, male hierarchy seems to fall into Notes the category of private beliefs. There are certain circumstances in 1. Jack Balswick and Judith Balswick, The Family: A Christian Per- which it would be dangerous to tell the woman to submit to her spective (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Academic, 2007), 45. husband. A pastoral blog reads: 2. Wikipedia contributors, “Christian Egalitarianism,” Wikipedia, The Free Encyclopedia, www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_egali- And now for something controversial (isn’t that what bloggers tarianism (accessed Sept. 3, 2012). are supposed to write?): Pastors who try to open the Bible and 3. Melody Pugh, “Battle for the Sexes: Finding Common Ground reason with a narcissist are merely setting themselves up for between Entrenched Gender-Roles Warriors,” Christianity Today, April frustration and failure. And, pastors who insist women live 20, 2009, www.ctlibrary.com/newsletter/newsletterarchives/2006-02-07. html (accessed May 2009). meekly and submissively with a narcissist are enabling a very 4. Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (hereafter twisted view of Scripture and must share in the responsibility CBMW) Web site, cbmw.org/about-us (accessed May 2009). for the lives that are shattered.43 5. CBMW Web site, www.cbmw.org/why-we-exist (accessed May 2009). Hierarchists truly believe that God has ordained men and woman 6. CBMW Web site, www.cbmw.org/Our-Mission-and-Vision (ac- into certain roles and that women should submit to their hus- cessed May 2009). bands. However, when a circumstance changes, such as the com- 7. CBMW Web site, www.cbmw.org/core-beliefs (accessed May mencement of abuse by the husband, the hierarchist would (or 2009). should) allow the woman to stop being submissive, as shown in 8. CBMW Web site, www.cbmw.org/Danvers (accessed May 2009).

8 • Priscilla Papers ◆ Vol. 26, No.4 ◆ Autumn 2012 An Historian Looks at 1 Timothy 2:11–14 The Authentic Traditional Interpretation and Why It Disappeared J. G. Brown 978-1-61097-600-8 | 118 pp. | $15.00 “For years 1 Timothy 2:11–14 has been at the center of an exegetical restorm prompted by the ongoing debate over what the Bible says about women’s place in church and society. Providing new grist for an old mill, J. G. Brown poses a bold challenge to those who appeal to the ‘traditional’ argument that complementarianism is embedded in the creational order. This invocation of tradition, Brown provocatively argues, is misguided precisely because it is historically unfounded.” NICHOLAS PERRIN Franklin S. Dyrness Chair of Biblical Studies, Wheaton College

Available in bookstores | Tel.: (541) 344-1528 [email protected] | www.wipfandstock.com

9. Dennis Rainey, “What Should Be the Husband’s Roles in Mar- 29. Balswick and Balswick, The Family, 282. riage?,” CBMW Web site, www.cbmw.org (accessed May 2009). 30. Balswick and Balswick, The Family, 20. 10. C. J. Mahaney, “What Every Husband Needs to Know,” 2004, 31. Donald M. Joy and Robbie B. Joy, Two Become One: God’s Blue- CBMW Web site, www.cbmw.org (accessed May 2009). print for Couples (Nappanee, IN: Evangel, 2002). 11. Balswick and Balswick, The Family, 280. 32. Jack Balswick and Judith Balswick, Model for Marriage: Cov- 12. Balswick and Balswick, The Family, 281–82. enant Grace, Empowerment, and Intimacy (Downers Grove, IL: Inter- 13. Unidentified staff person (CBMW representative), interview Varsity, 2006). with the author, April 2009. 33. Jerome and Kellie Daley, Not Your Parents’ Marriage: Bold Part- 14. Stewart Scott, The Exemplary Husband (Bemidji, MN: Focus, nership for a New Generation (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook, 2006). 2002). 34. Patricia Gundry, Heirs Together: Applying the Biblical Principle 15 John Piper, This Momentary Marriage (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, of Mutual Submission in Your Marriage (Grand Rapids, MI: Suitcase 2012). Books, 1999). 16. Christian Counseling and Educational Foundation (hereafter 35. Alice P. Mathews and M. Gay Hubbard, Marriage Made in Eden: CCEF), www.ccef.org (accessed April 2009). A Pre-modern Perspective in a Post-Christian World (Eugene, OR: Wipf 17. CCEF Web site, www.ccef.org (accessed April 2009). & Stock, 2010). 18. William P. Smith, Should We Get Married? (Greensboro, NC: 36. William L Coleman, Before the Ring: Questions Worth Asking New Growth Press, 2008). (Grand Rapids, MI: Discovery House, 2004). 19. Anonymous therapist (CCEF therapist), interview with the au- 37. John Piper, “What should a wife do when her husband doesn’t thor, April 2009. lead spiritually?,” June 20, 2008, www.desiringgod.org/resource-library/ 20. Paul David Tripp, “Pre-marital Counseling—for Married Peo- ask-pastor-john/what-should-a-wife-do-when-her-husband-doesnt- ple!” Journal of Biblical Counseling 21, no. 3 (Spring 2004), 62–64. lead-spiritually (accessed April 2009). 21. “What Is PREPARE/ENRICH?,” prepare-enrich.com (accessed 38. Smith, Should We Get Married? May 2009). 39. CBMW Web site, www.cbmw.org (accessed April 2009). 22. Jeffry H. Larson, Kenneth Newell, Glade Topham, and Sheldon 40. Burt Wright (pastor, Evangelical Covenant Church, Fort Collins, Nichols, “A Review of Three Comprehensive Premarital Assessment CO), interview with the author, April 2009. Questionnaires,” Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 28, no. 2 (2002): 223. 41. Arny Guin (Pastor, Crossroads church, Greeley, CO), interview 23. Jan McCormack (PREPARE/ENRICH instructor and professor with the author, April, 2009. at Denver Seminary), email to the author, April 17 2009. 42. Michael Novak, Belief and Unbelief, 3rd ed. (Piscataway, NJ: 24. Christians for Biblical Equality (hereafter CBE) Web site, www Transaction, 1994). .cbeinternational.org/new/about/who_we_are (accessed April 2009). 43. Bowden McElroy, “Theology, Psychology, and Prickly Personali- 25. Alan Padgett, “What Is Biblical Equality?” Priscilla Papers 16, no. ties,” blog post on SBC Impact Web site, Oct. 31, 2007, http://sbcimpact 3 (2002), 22. .org/2007/10/31/theology-psychology-and-prickly-personalities (accessed 26. CBE Web site, www.cbeinternational.org/new/about/who_we_ April 2009) are (accessed April 2009). 44 CBMW Web site, www.cbmw.org/Danvers, (accessed April 27. Christians for Biblical Equality, “Men, Women, and Biblical 2009). Equality,” www.cbeinternational.org/?q=content/men-women-and-bib- 45 CBE, “Men, Women, and Biblical Equality,” 1989, CBE Web site, lical-equality (accessed April 2009). cbeinternational.org, http://www.cbeinternational.org/files/u1/smwbe/ 28. CBE Web site, www.cbeinternational.org/?q=content/what-cbe english.pdf, (accessed April 2009). (accessed April 2009).

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