Friday The Independent February 13, 2004 Cambridge Student Issue 595 Newspaper since www.varsity.co.uk 1947 The Sex Issue

Cambridge’s racy side: getting hot under the gown

Bryan Coll Following the national trend for “sexing dancing classes in the near future. “art - just the same as ballet, tap or any up”, growing numbers of students are now The move has, however, caused contro- other kind of dance”. She was, however, looking to shake their booty on stage as a versy among those who fear pole-dancing unable to contest the fact that pole-danc- As Valentine’s approaches, Varsity has found pole-dancing craze sweeps the university. may be too raunchy for Cambridge. Ex- ing is very sexy: “Cambridge is definitely conclusive evidence that Cambridge is sexier One pole-dancing lobbying group, calling CUSU President turned Cocos impres- getting sexier and pole-dancing is just a than ever. With Ann Summers opening a themselves “The Fellowship of the Pole” sario Paul Lewis made clear he would part of this… People are definitely more store in the city last week, sex toys appearing have been campaigning for recognition by veto any moves to make pole-dancing a up for it now”. in pub vending machines and pole dancing local clubs. The group is keen to perform in feature of his Licked night “for all sorts of Last week, a new Ann Summers store lessons set to arrive in Cocos, Cambridge is all of the major Cambridge clubs and have reasons”. Yet, Nadia Messaoud (see pic- opened in Lion’s Yard. There are now more losing its stuffy image. More and more stu- contacted Cindies and Cocos about appear- ture), a keen pole-dancer, denied that she lingerie shops than sationery shops in dents, it seems, are looking to add some tit- ing on a more regular basis. Cocos have was sliding down the slippery pole to Cambridge. Company spokesperson... illation to their Tripos. agreed in principle to start daytime pole- sleaziness. In her eyes pole dancing was an continued on page 3 Alex Mair The region’s best guide to what’s on – see next Thursday’s Cambridge Evening News NEWS 02 Feb 13, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Cambridge dons to strike in pay row Lectures, supervisions and essays all to be affected by nationwide industrial action by AUT

Archie Bland of the union who abide by the deci- term funding.’ which has been fiercely argued for the ballot, which favoured strike sion will be expected to strike for two Undergraduates were similarly upwards of two years, and covers a action by two thirds to one. But days in a fortnight’s time. They will ambivalent. One second year range of complex issues, finally came to UCEA claimed that 95% of staff in Cambridge faces a strike by teaching refuse to give lectures or supervi- English student told Varsity that a head in December 2003, when the higher education were opposed to a staff in the near future after the uni- sions. Also, for a longer period of up ‘though it’s fair enough for academ- AUT declared themselves ‘in dispute’ – strike, and pointed out that other versity lecturers’ union voted to take to a week, all ‘assessment activity’, ics to strike, I don’t think I know a necessary precursor to strike action – unions were still in negotiation. industrial action yesterday. Nick including the marking of essays, will enough about the issues to get and were asked to leave negotiations by They urged those striking to ‘rethink Savage, the Cambridge branch sec- come to a halt. involved myself ’; a first year land the University and Colleges Employers and look for a constructive solution – retary of the Association of The National Union of Students economist acknowledged that the Association (UCEA). one that does not aim to disrupt stu- University Teachers, told Varsity has supported the strike, and urged its lecturers had a right to take industri- 54% of their membership voted in dents’ education’. that the decision was a reaction to al action, but said he ‘didn’t feel it ‘the biggest change to staff’s pay and UCEA claimed that 95% of was an issue worth being personally conditions in a generation’. staff in Higher Education involved in’. Reacting to the news yesterday, were oppposed to a strike When contacted, the university chive Savage called the decision a sign of press office refused to comment, say- “how angry our members are with ing it has no position on the matter.

the employers offer and how deter- members to boycott lectures and take The university does not acknowledge arsity Ar mined they are to get a better deal.” further ‘disruptive action’; however, the AUT, which is the principal union V However, he could not be sure how CUSU president Ben Brinded for higher education staff at ‘old’ uni- many university academics would remained non-committal, telling versities, as a legitimate union. This strike. The AUT, which represents Varsity that the decision to boycott inevitably raises questions of how academics and support staff in uni- lectures was ‘a choice that students striking dons will be treated if they fail versities across the UK, has 47 000 should make for themselves, and to teach. Cambridge does not use members. which we won’t force upon them.’ But national pay scales, and the university If the strike gets approval from the he also commended AUT for not has said that only ‘endowments and AUT’s executive today, which is said ‘accepting the carrot of a small rise to relatively low salaries have allowed to be a formality given their advoca- endorse top up fees when such fees Cambridge to maintain quality so far.’ cy of the move, Cambridge members couldn’t provide the necessary long- The long-running pay dispute, Deadline looming for supervisions The future of the supervision system at Cambridge is in doubt after rumours of radical change

Sarah Marsh more financially viable teaching and tures and small seminars. In certain there is little consensus on how this voked the current enquiries into super- that Oxbridge increase the propor- subjects at Cambridge, such as is to be achieved. vision standards. At their best supervi- tion of graduates and research stu- English and Economics, teaching in The secretary of the Senior Tutor’s sions were seen to bring students to According to CUSU Academic dents. Cambridge and Oxford have small groups is already superseding Committee, Mr. Jobling, revealed to their full potential, providing an Affairs officer, Jessica Childs, the long faced criticism over their the traditional supervision. Vice- Varsity that Cambridge should follow intensive and focused teaching session. university is currently at “a major archaic institutions and rising debt. Chancellor Alison Richard recog- the example set by American universi- Yet the intimacy of supervisions makes crossroads” regarding teaching The value of the expensive supervi- nizes that supervisions are a unique ties that “rely heavily on outside fund- it essential for supervisors and students methods. This comes as the Senior sion system is being questioned and advantage of studying at ing such as private benefactors and to forge understanding and comfort- Tutor’s Committee prepares to make possible alternatives considered. Cambridge. The university consis- corporate sponsorship”. able relationships. decisions that will determine the The parliamentary decision in 1997 tently achieves excellent ratings in Whether or not such measures are CUSU has launched an extensive academic direction of Cambridge to progressively phase out the extra external quality assurances conduct- implicated depends almost entirely online survey in order to specifically over the next twenty years. college fees paid to Oxbridge is ed for the HECFE (Higher on individual colleges. Each college locate the strengths and weaknesses Rumours of radical changes are partly responsible for foregrounding Education Funding Council for receives a proportionate sum from of the supervision system. Childs rife after the success of the Higher these issues. England). However, even if the stu- the university, but is left to allocate protested that they were not using Education Bill. These include the Other leading universities main- dent and governing body are in this autonomously, and priorities this survey as “a bashing exercise on possibility that the tutorial system tain high standards of teaching agreement as to the importance of vary between colleges. Although the university” but rather want to use may be abandoned in favour of through a combination of small lec- upholding the supervision system, King’s students, for example, may be the feedback – available online at the confronted with rent rises, the col- end of term – to take proactive steps lege is very generous in providing such as encouraging supervisor-

chive extra tuition. On the other hand, training programs. colleges such as Trinity are simply Although the staff-development better endowed. It is arguable department and disability resource whether or not these discrepancies centre provide intensive training ses- arsity Ar

V are harmful to equitable education sions, they are not presently compul- within the university. sory and participation is dependant Jessica Childs maintains that one of CUSU’s main goals is to make super- Supervisions will “die a natu- vision standards equal across the uni- versity and ensure supervisions are ral death” according to a suited to all. She proposes a financial King’s supervisor.“It is a sad but also “personal and academic” day for Cambridge.” reassessment of Cambridge teaching. Over the past fifty years, huge changes on college commitment. Needless to have taken place with the increased say, participation in these schemes admission of women, state school stu- varies greatly from college to college. dents and ethnic minorities to As Cambridge’s 800th anniversary Cambridge. Childs claims, “although approaches, the supervision system is this widened participation is the way still seen as a pillar of one of the to go, it is not enough. The university world’s leading academic institu- has to look inwards and adapt to tions. As with most areas of higher receive this new student body.” education, however, there is no She told Varsity that whilst super- doubt that it will face considerable visors may be leading authorities in changes in forthcoming years. A their subject, they often lack the King’s supervisor commented that interpersonal skills necessary to although the university would not communicate with a diverse group of state outright that they are simply pupils. They often lack experience of going to eliminate the supervision teaching in multi-ethnic environ- scheme, “it will die a natural death.” ments and are sometimes unaware of “Look at all the faculties where sem- cultural differences and social or inars are replacing supervisions; no physical disabilities. one says anything, it is just happen- An undisclosed report last year pro- ing. It is a sad day for Cambridge.” NEWS www.varsity.co.uk Feb 13, 2004 03 Pole positions

continued from front page machines in most of their branches. One ...company representative Philip Toomey employee told Varsity that students “are the described how with nipple clamps and choco- best customers” and have been buying consid- late body paint the store had “something for erable amounts of merchandise. He added that everyone”. In the last few days, business has the Cambridge Rat and Parrot currently holds apparently been booming. The rampant rabbit the record for selling more sex toys than any other outlet in the country. Nipple clamps and body paint..the On a less raunchy but more romantic note, store has something for everyone Cambridge University’s on-line dating service has launched a series of new measures to vibrator, mad famous by Sex in the City is cur- attract lonely hearts over the Valentine’s week- rently the most popular product, selling, in end. Romance.ucam.org has developed a Toomey’s word “by the bucket load”. Anne unique system for Valentine’s messages. Summers claim two million rampant rabbits Admirers send a coded e-mail to their objects of have been sold in the UK to date. affection who are then provided with a link to Toomey explained to Varsity that the compa- the website. Their Valentine’s message is then ny had been seeking to open in the city for sev- de-coded and, if the sender agrees, the identity eral years. Ann Summers parties, where groups of their admirer is slowly revealed. The service, of women meet socially to try out the various run by student Richard Neill, currently has products offered by the company, have been over 10,000 registered members. Testimonials thriving in Cambridge especially amongst stu- posted by those who have found love or a casu- dents. Ann Summers believes that they will al fling thanks to the site make for interesting make a real contribution to changing reading. They suggest that Cambridge students Cambridge’s prudish image and claim they can are anything but shy. “I got laid within five improve the love lives of its students. “I hope hours of joining!” proclaims one satisfied cus- people will now have more sex in Cambridge”, tomer. One female member recounts her expe- said their spokesman hopefully. riences of “dew-laden caverns with imposing Pubs and clubs have also been joining in the stalagmites”. The mind boggles. naughtiness. The Rat and Parrot, a favourite Karen Draycott, Welfare Officer with APU pre-Cindies spot for many students, has been Student Union, told Varsity, “I think particularly aware of this raunchiness. Due to a Cambridge is losing its old image of being new policy and demand from customers, the prudish and conservative… but Cambridge company has installed sex toy vending has always been sexy anyway.” Alex Mair Does size still matter? Tommy Adeane and Charles Kaye been breeding mice that had failed to reach puberty. They had successfully ‘knocked out’ the gene for GPR54 in these mice. A Cambridge science company has identified a Dr Sophie Messager, a scientist at Paradigm, gene which may be important in determining believes that drugs can be developed to ensure the onset of puberty. Paradigm Therapeutics that this gene functions correctly. So far, the com- Ltd, closely affiliated with the University, pany has been making rapid progress. “We have announced that the discovery could benefit already been approached by several drug compa- breast cancer patients as well as couples suffer- nies.” The drugs produced, she claimed, should ing from impotence problems. revolutionise the treatment of various conditions Valentines lovers should also take interest in such as hormonal dependent cancers. The the new findings. Scientists suggested that their research may be completed within the next three breakthrough might even provide relief for those months. with a lack of sex drive or inadequate penis size. Scientists at Paradigm also believe that the The newly discovered gene, nicknamed ‘Harry findings might result in products which could Potter’, controls the levels of sex hormones in the increase libido. When questioned on the subject, body. More specifically, the gene also regulates a Dr. Alan Hendrick laughed and replied "It’s a protein called GPR54 which plays an essential definite possibility". role in tyhe puberty process. If this gene mutates, Asked whether such a drug could increase the results can be disastrous and can result in pre- penis size, the scientists were more cagey. cocious or delayed puberty. The project began Paradigm’s John Dixon, a former student at when several members of an inbred Saudi family Magdalene College, believes that such advances failed to commence puberty. After examining are possible, but he is well aware of the risks. "Just their blood samples, doctors from Massachusetts to get a bigger old chap, it doesn’t mean you want General Hospital discovered that the gene for to go through puberty twice”, he commented. GPR54 was mutated in those showing a lack of The development of a drug usually takes development. Those who had proceeded normal- around ten years, and costs more than $500 mil- ly through puberty had no such mutation. lion, but if Paradigm manages to patent a drug as At this time, scientists at Paradigm contacted successful as Viagra, the company is set to the American doctors to tell them that they had become extremely well-endowed. NEWS 04 Feb 13, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

Race feud at JCR Hawking Inquiry

Ethnic Minorities Officer defends controversial poster chive

Amol Rajan tradition of tolerance. He claims

that the posters were simply arsity Ar “humorous”. He told Varsity:“I V Last week saw the election of a new thought my posters were right for KCSU Ethnic Minorities Officer, Kings. I don’t believe my posters Joseph Smith, whose poster cam- were insensitive, nor do I apologise paign has met with accusations of for the images I used”. The accusa- racial insensitivity. Of the two tions, he said, came from “a very posters advertising his candidacy, small minority, whose arguments one (pictured) has led to controver- don’t appeal to the rest of us”. Smith sy both within King’s and beyond also claimed “the most vehement the college. It clearly depicts Smith condemnation has come from out- superimposed onto the face of the side King’s” Virgin Mary, who stands with her Smith’s election raises questions arms open above five young black about wider issues within girls. Cambridge. Some students have CUSU Anti-Racism Officers expressed doubts as to whether, in Sachin Shah and Chioma Benjamin, light of the recent controversy,

who are members of King’s, received Dave Chapman Smith will be able to fulfil his new complaints from members of the Afolabi Oliver of Trinity Hall, role successfully. Others have raised college and the university who had who saw the poster in King’s bar, the more general question of seen the poster in King’s Bar. They said “Where I’m from, racism is an whether only ethnic minority candi- raised the issue at hustings, but their everyday reality and only in dates should be allowed to stand for reservations met with laughter and a Cambridge is this sort of thing seen the position of Ethnic Minority significant number of those present as a joke.” Benjamin, expressing a Officer on a college JCR committee. expressed support for the poster. personal view, said “I do not believe Smith told Varsity that he was Smith’s candidacy was unopposed that Joseph is racist. However, I do “personally shocked by how bigoted and his victory was conclusive, with think that he is slightly misguided in and anachronistic people’s attitudes 136 votes in favour and only 11 for his perceptions of what is accept- were to a white candidate standing the ever-present RON. able”. Her colleague Shah added, “it for a post that is traditionally occu- remains to be seen whether this pied by someone visibly ethnic”. The “I don’t believe my posters reflects a wider trivialisation of race banner of anti-racism, he said, is were insensitive, nor do I and religious issues within waved by people who can be “hypo- Professor Stephen Hawking has announced that he is prepared to speak to Cambridge.” critical” and “petty”. It remains to be Cambridgeshire Police concerning allegations that his wife has been tormenting apologise for the images I Smith has rejected suggestions of seen, however, whether Smith’s elec- and abusing him for several years. The investigation has been underway for four used.” insensitivity, claiming that the tion will encourage other non-eth- months and several of Prof. Hawking’s carers have already been interviewed. The poster was in accordance with King’s nic students to stand for similar Caius professor has consistently defended his wife against all allegations. \RX ZRXOGQ¶W JR WR DQ H[DP ZLWKRXW UHYLVLQJ

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$OO HYHQWV DUH IUHH WR PHPEHUV XVX VWDUW DW SP DW 6LGQH\ DQG LQFOXGH ZLQH DQG GLQQHU 7R ERRN \RXU SODFH RQOLQH RU VLJQ XS IRU RXU ZHHNO\ HPDLO YLVLW ZZZFDPEULGJHIXWXUHVFRP DBNCSJEHFIXWXUHVIXWXUHV SUHVLGHQW VDDOLP FKRZGKXU\ KRPHUWRQ FDPEULGJH XQLYHUVLW\¶V VWXGHQW FDUHHUV VRFLHW\ SUHVLGHQW#FDPEULGJHIXWXUHVFRP FDPEULGJHIXWXUHVFRP NEWS REVIEW www.varsity.co.uk Feb 13, 2004 05 Senator Kerry Very Very Merry Can the Republican war president win against the Democrat war hero? he battle in the Democrat primary elec- be a JFK and Jackie O but they appear to be living churches the weekend before the election. And let’s tions will reach its climax on Tuesday in the American dream – and the people love it. The not forget his N.R.A. affiliations. This kind of net- TWisconsin, where initial outsider John battle of the smiles is of critical importance in the working cannot help but put Bush at a formidable Kerry is expected to secure the Democrat nomi- notoriously fickle war for the American vote. With advantage over any rival. No other left wing groups Loser nation for president. Such is his support that 79% of the population declaring no fixed party affil- in America have the same political clout. some polls suggest if an election were held iation in 2000, a good joke there and a family por- of the story tomorrow he would be ahead of Bush. But the trait here can make all the difference. or the liberals hope may not be lost. Polls question remains: can anyone, no matter how Another problem for any potential president indicate that the American public is switch- week popular, unseat ‘the shrub’ in 2004? Fing its priorities from foreign policy to more At first glance the answer appears to be yes. Bush, labelled the domestic priorities such as health and immigra- Bush feels under threat, starting his campaign two tion. Bush has been shown to be less able to deal Dubya Bush months early with an hour long televised special ‘chicken hawk’ with these demands; his domestic record has been this week. And with memories of Vietnam still woefully unsuccessful, despite holding both the His previously invincible position, looming large in the minds of the immensely will be raising funds. In U.S. elections the power House of Representatives and the Senate. The strengthened by his Nobel Peace powerful ‘grey vote’, the ever-increasing death toll of the dollar can never be dismissed. Quite sim- Kerry crusade also appears to have moved on to Prize nomination, is looking under from Iraq may yet damage this war president. ply, money equals votes, and with Bush’s oil con- the smear campaigns that typify American politi- threat. Can the N.R.A. save him? Johnson suffered the wrath of the public in 1968 nections, Texan donators and impeccable dynastic cal tactics. Bush, labelled a ‘chicken hawk’ (those but can John Kerry or for that matter any contem- credentials, raising the green should be no prob- who pledge aggressive policies in foreign affairs porary Democrat be seen as a Richard Nixon? lem. It is very unlikely that anyone can match his without fighting themselves), this week had to neo-conservative rhetoric machine. And if all else Certainly Kerry does not lack the ambition or financial clout; Bush after all broke all previous prove in a press conference that he did not run fails, liberal Americans can take consolation in the charisma of the Republican icon. But with his trade- records for expenditure on elections in 2000. from the Vietnam alternative, the National fact that Bush only just won the election last time, mark cowboy boots, librarian wife and southern ‘je ‘Dubya’ can also rely on the support of several key Guard, in the 70s. Kerry is a bona-fide war hero and the world will keep a closer eye on Florida ne sais quoi’, Bush appears to have cornered the groups. In 2000 the Christian Coalition distributed and in times of such uncertain national security than they did in 2000. And if not, Mrs Clinton is image market. The President and his wife may not 80 million leaflets pledging support for him in America may prefer a ‘courageous’ fighter to a waiting in the wings for 2008. KW White House Cockle disaster

ast Thursday night a rescue operation was cleans up its launched to save a group of up to thirty Lpeople stranded by the tide on mudflats in Morecambe Bay. The group had been picking cockles two miles sex act out from the shore when the tide came in. The area is notorious for its dangerous quick sands, ww.whitehouse.com looks like one of fast-rising tide and hidden channels. Other more those things that should do exactly experienced cockle-pickers had not ventured out Wwhat it says on the tin. But before you that night due to the dangerous conditions. rush online to visit it in the hope of finding of Two helicopters and a hovercraft worked hard cutting edge political news, think twice. to find survivors, but were not helped by the fact The website is one of the most successful porn that nobody was sure how many people were sites on the internet, boasting of over 85 million missing. After rescuing four survivors, at 2.30am visitors since 1997. To encourage the sweaty- the first body was found, and when another sur- palmed to part with their credit card details it vivor said, "lots! lots!" to his rescuers, the team promises "girl/girl live", the "teen buffet" and an began to sense that a human tragedy on a large "amateur village" of which they seem quite proud. scale had taken place. Varsity’s poor credit rating prevented further By Friday morning, the media was full of the research, but it is clear that there are so many pic- shocking news that nineteen people had drowned, and that all the victims were Chinese immigrants a newfound ability to breed led who seemed to be working illegally for organised criminal gangs. On Monday detectives arrested to a moral epiphany three men and two women on suspicion of manslaughter. A police statement declared that tures of "hot interns" that even Bill Clinton would “the main focus is clearly on identifying any ‘peo- probably find something he hadn’t seen before. ple-trafficking gang masters’ who may have been To the joy of those hoping that politics will involved in this incident and are known to benefit clean up its act, the porn industry seems to be from such exploitation." EB leading the way. Dan Parisi, who originally set up the site to facilitate uncensored political discus- Alexia Pinchbeck sion before becoming diverted by the lure of mas- The Aerial Evangelist - “Now that I have a captive audience...” sive financial rewards, has recently become a Hats off kids father. His newfound ability to breed has appar- ently led to a moral epiphany, and a statement ith religion currently the number one issued on Tuesday explains his decision to sell the excuse for terror and imposition all domain name. There is just one condition – that Wover the world, a new law in France the site will no longer host porn. Parisi says he has raised questions over the rights of humans wants to give the domain "back to the people", to express their faith in overt ways. and the people are no longer wearing dirty macs. The French parliament this week approved leg- DM Sent from above islation outlawing the wearing of Islamic head- scarves in schools. Significantly, the vote in favour This season planes are the new churches of such a law was passed by a massive majority – 494 against 36. ll the fuss over CICCU discussing faith with the believ- terrorist atrocity of recent years. President Chirac’s deputy, Jerome Riviere, argued putting unsolicited ers present. He concluded his American Airlines have apolo- the law was necessary to retain France’s identity as a Winner Agospels into students’ mission to convert by assuring gised, and announced an inves- secular nation, claiming, "We have to give a politi- pigeonholes was given a touch the terrified passengers that he tigation into the incident. cal answer to what is a political problem". of the of perspective last Friday when would be available at the end of Reports that the pilot was a This ban on an item of clothing has been con- an American Airlines pilot the flight for further theological pawn working as part of the demned by some as a step backwards into hardline took evangelism to a higher discussion. CICCU Promise Week mission repression, while advocates of the new law insist week plane. In the current climate of fear have proved unfounded and that it is designed to protect children and ensure The unnamed pilot used the the pilot’s remarks caused panic probably libellous. OR that school remains a non-political, non-religious The Christian Right tannoy system to demand that aboard the aircraft. His mission- place where education will be unclouded by dogma. all Christians onboard the flight ary zeal led to passengers des- Contributors: Two hundred Muslim girls protested outside Not only has Christian from L.A. to New York raise perately trying to call relatives Kate Ward the National Assembly, but Islam is not the only conversion become an their hands. He then from their mobile phones, con- Esther Bintliff faith that will be affected. It is probable that large American Airlines in-flight denounced non-Christians as scious that the last incidence of Ollie Rickman Christian crosses, Jewish skull caps and Sikh tur- service - porn has also “crazy” and told them to make airborne religious fervour cul- bans will also be banned. EB Daniel Milze received a massive blow. their journey “worthwhile” by minated in the most significant FEATURES 06 Feb 13, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Happy Dr Dan Pine looks at love Valentine’s and herpes Rachel Willcock’s top ive and thou shalt receive. It’s the mantra that a doctor I once worked tips on romantic rhymes Gwith at the department for genito- urinary medicine,or clap clinic,used to pro- t this time of year our thoughts claim daily.This being Valentine’s weekend, inevitably turn to the language of I thought I’d regale you with some of the Alove – poetry. Sitting with a blank more enduring aspects of relationships; card in our hand, pen poised, we desire to after all, the difference between love and have our thoughts of devotion expressed herpes is that herpes lasts forever. eloquently, succinctly and in a way that will If you have visited the STD clinic recently, not fail to woo our object of affection. “You be you will have noticed that the décor is more But no matter how clever you are, the art of cream, I’ll Caffe Nero than NHS. In my department writing good poetry is an elusive one that there is a clinic replete with espresso almost all of us will fail to master. Why then, be your machines and muffins. I suppose the idea was even try? Should we give up before we start banoffee” to tempt the sexually infectious in before they and opt for the classic fall back ‘Happy could wreak more havoc on an unsuspecting Valentine’s Day, do you fancy me?’ I don’t populace. think so - and here’s my advice. The second hardest aspect of medical The first point to consider is rhyme. practice has to be the probing of sexual his- Generally speaking if your poem is a bit tory (the hardest being the probing genital cringeworthy, rhyming will make it worse. It examination). It’s difficult to know how to can be a good approach for someone who respond when a patient tells you he recent- might be a bit scared by an intense ly had a threesome with a transvestite and post-modern rant. another guy. I simply blushed deeply and A word of warning before you jump in: do muttered something like, “Oh, that’s… er... not try and make a rhyme with somebody’s interesting.” name - it will never work. I was lured into this Having ascertained what they have done, trap by having a boyfriend called James how often and to whom, it is then necessary Roffey - his name, oh so tempitingly, rhymed to have a good look and collect samples. I with lines like “you are as sweet as toffee”, “the never expected to have to milk a prostate love we had has turned bitter like coffee”or gland nor gaze at an oozing cervix through a even “you be cream I’ll be your banoffee” No! glorified magnifying glass. If you can imagine Poetry is a powerful tool for attracting how bad it looks, it’s difficult to adequately attention. Girls will always be flattered by convey the smell – think gorgonzola way past this kind of male attention even if they have its prime. a boyfriend, just so they can wave it in their Ladies! Lads! The worst investigation has to be the ‘whiff face and say ‘Why don’t you write me a test’. This involves adding some alkali to the poem like this?’ • DON’T be late. It is embarassing • DON’T call her too soon. Three days is a vaginal fluid sample. If the patient has bacte- Boys will also be pleased, normally because sitting there looking like you’ve been good period to wait rial vaginosis, this mixture liberates a rather it is an indication that there is a possibility of stood up. • DO be straightforward about your inter- heady, fishy odour. getting laid. A poem shows time and effort • DO make it clear if you’re interested. est. Real men aren’t afraid of rejection. At least bacterial vaginosis is easily detect- but don’t go too far. Anything over one side of Boys will also Men don’t do the mind-reading thing. • DON’T compliment her too much. She’ll ed and treated, chlamydia is not. The govern- paper is just scary. And beware - a poem is be pleased... it Not well, anyway. wonder what a pretty/smart/funny girl like ment is worried that chlamydia, the major hard evidence of your feelings. • DON’T just talk about yourself/ her is doing with someone so desperate. cause of pelvic inflammatory disease and Writing a love poem is a daunting and is an indication shopping/make-up/clothes. • DO offer to pay for her on the first date. infertility, is reaching epidemic proportions. risky business, made worse by the fact that as that they may • DO offer to go Dutch. If he’s feeling Most modern women understand that you If the recent survey on sexual practices on Cambridge students we are extremely cynical. get laid generous he’ll refuse. won’t be doing it every time you go out. the holiday island of Ibiza is to be believed, Nevertheless, I believe that no matter how • DON’T talk about how great your • DON’T spend a lot of money on her. then 50% of holidaymakers sleep with at least appallingly awful our poetry is, the sentiment last boyfriend was at anything. In fact, She’ll wonder what you expect in return. one partner that they meet abroad and one in of composing words of love for somebody is a don’t even mention him. Male pride is • DO ask her lots of questions, with follow- eight men claim to bed more than six. great gift. If you don’t feel up to it, choosing a very, very fragile thing. ups to show that you’re actually listening. This means that either there’s a lot of sex , something from a poet that can express what • DO be clear where you stand. Avoid • DON’T try and impress her. Women like the boys are exaggerating or some women are you want to say infinitely better than you is leading him on. men who believe they don’t have to try. coming into contact with more laps than the the next best thing. • DON’T spend more time in the loo •DO pay attention to her body language. If average napkin. As Dorothy Parker once said, than at the table. she maintains eye contact, you’re in. “you can take a horticulture but you can’t Why I’m living the life of Riley - on my own Carrie English on the virtues of going it alone imagenet

s Valentine’s Day approaches, Even history’s most famous lovers had Dorothy, “You complete me,” he is seek- singletons across Cambridge dysfunctional relationships. Romeo was a ing refuge in a relationship to avoid con- Abrace themselves for the ava- serial monogamist stuck in a destructive fronting his own feelings of inadequacy. lanche of romantic schlock that accom- pattern of falling for unattainable women For a real dose of relationship schaden- panies each February 14th. But there is – and all this before he reached 18. freude just watch Trisha, spend a day at a no reason to dread the day; we should Women can be just as bad. Medea divorce court, or visit the maternity ward reclaim it as an occasion to celebrate the killed and dismembered her brother to at Addenbrooke’s. many advantages to being single. help Jason escape Colchis with the gold- Remember: being single is all about For example, you don’t have to con- en fleece, but when he cheated on her, she freedom. The freedom to dress down, to stantly worry that you might get preg- killed their children and made his mis- relax the rules of personal hygiene, the nant/crabs/dumped. There are plenty of tress spontaneously combust. freedom to fantasize about movie stars fish in the sea - and you’re free to swim For every romatic film and comedy without feeling guilty. with all of them. You have no problems there are several romantic flaws. For And, finally, the freedom to spend all with jealousy, because no one else gives a example, when George Peppard repeated- the time you want writing an article for damn what you do. ly tells Audrey Hepburn: “I love you, you Varsity, playing sport, whatever - without You also have more time to spend with belong to me!” in Breakfast at Tiffany’s, being interrupted by anybody bringing your friends - albeit bitching and moan- he’s displaying the early warning signs of you a hot drink, lightly kissing your neck, ing about the fact that you’re single. a obsessive, possessive, jealous and poten- or giving you a shoulder massage. Relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up tially violent man. Yes. Single life is good. to be. Men can be demanding, insensitive, When Tom Cruise, as Jerry Maguire, See [email protected] for more childish, abusive, possessive and boring. tells Renée Zellweger as his wife, on Valentine’s Day INTERVIEWS www.varsity.co.uk Feb 13, 2004 07 Dear Deidre, Valentine’s Day:

alentine’s Day is a lovely tradition. I’ve been married for 33 years, but my husband still makes me some- thing every year; to keep our love alive. I do appreciate how much harder Valentine’s Day is however for the Agony Aunt way.. Vall those that in less established relationships. Here are some tips for making things easier: Change into the sexiest clothes you dare. Splash out on a bunch of flowers – they don’t have to be pricey red roses, more seasonal flowers can be even nicer. Phone your lover, or send a note to tell them you love them and in as much detail as you dare just how much you'll be looking forward to this evening. Get the room ready. Arrange scented candles, incense to burn, mood tapes, a bottle of wine, fresh sheets if you'll be in the bedroom, log fire in the living room. All those corny things you've seen in films actually do add atmosphere. Organise the right sort of food and drink. If you're eating out, oriental food can be sensuous without being too heavy. Remember the last thing you need is to be laden down with French fries - or too much booze. Try to start the evening with a shared bath or shower. Water is relaxing and makes us responsive to touch, and gets you both focussed in the right direction. Go slow. When we're hoping tonight will be special, the temptation is to rush to climax. Pretend everything is happening in slow motion to start with. If you've ever had a fantasy you haven't dared share make tonight the night you tell your partner "I'd love it if we...." and ask them what’s their favourite fantasy that they'd like to try. If you usually make love in the dark, keep at least a low light on. If you usually make love in silence, tell each other how it feels. Try at least one variation from your usual routine. Have something special extra lined up for afterwards - Mars bars or champagne - whatever is your idea of a treat. And the following morning, promise yourselves that you won't wait another whole year before treating each other to another night to remember. Deidre Sanders writes for The Sun

Denise Robertson This Morning

Valentine’s Day means an awful lot to me. I certainly whilst pregnant; ‘what an embarrassing moment,’’ I ...time to find ‘the one,’ or Valentine’s send Valentine’s Day cards. Everyone can find the thought at the time, but Valentine’s day isn’t about being money for a card; and if not, a homemade card is even embarrassed, that’s why its so quirky and commercial. overdone? The experts talk to James Dacre more touching. Using your own hands to make some- People imagine that it is just about young love, but thing is a sign of true devotion. When something’s Valentin’es Day is even more important for older people good, nothing can spoil it- nothing in the whole world. who find it harder to say ‘I love you.’ Be honest, we only Virginia Ironside Margaret Cook If you thing that a relationship will never happen, then get that opportunity once a year. Go on, take a risk and use Valentine’s Day to make it happen. I do remember fall in love. - The Independent Marie Claire getting funny looks when buying Valentine’s cards Valentine’s Day is over-hyped and I am in an established relationship, so irritating. All it means to me is not Valentine’s Day doesn’t loom large for us. being able to get a table anywhere. It But it does for some people; terrifyingly is far better in America, where they so. I can remember being so horrified ten see it as more of a friendship thing years ago by the abundance of fake gazes and less predatory. Valentine’s Day in a restaurant that we vowed never to eat has swelled like an engorged, puffy out again on February 14th. heart over the past few decades. It Have you heard about the ‘quirky didn’t mean anything to me when I alones’? Some lonely person has written a was young and doesn’t now. Most book about being alone and making a particularly, I hate the idea of it virtue of this necessity.That’s ridiculous to being a special day; why can’t a man me, because we’re an essentially monoga- send roses to me now, why cant he mous race who should be making a virtue take me out to dinner tonight? of infidelity, not repression. That’s what Valentine’s is self-consciously irritat- Valentines day is for! ing – a bit of a strain – why is it so Did you know that the average man intense, with all these “I love you” spends £134 on Valentine’s Day whilst eyes and “devotion” stares? It causes women only spend £45? My mind bog- more angst than happiness, creating gles! My only Valentine’s message is ‘Live a terrible unattainable goal. Love just together in harmony!’ We should only use happens, and can’t be forced on a Valentine’s Day to say ‘I love you,’ and phoney day. Those without cards feel nothing more, and this should be said needlessly gloomy and those with through body language just as much as them unnecessarily smug. through something trivial like a card. I Having people to dinner on would like to undermine the commercial Valentine’s is the best way to combat aspect of Valentine’s Day,and always focus its sleaziness, both because it is a on the negative aspects of any kind of naff valid excuse, and an obvious declara- gesture. The first Valentine’s card I ever tion of doing something different. got was from a boy who I saw as a bit Valentine’s Day? Just forget it: Take a beneath me; it was a gorgeous, expensive pill, have a drink or something… Valentine, but covered with greasy fin- ger marks because he was a mechanic!

Anne Atkins The Daily Telegraph

My eldest brother worked for a time in organisation this was: the biggest student Clare College gardens. One day, at about society by far, the President Elect about this time of year, he came home from as frighteningly celibate as the pope. I work with the comment that undergrad- barely knew him, but one day he called to uatesbehaved much like the birds in the see me and left a note on my desk. A gardens. ‘As soon as the weather gets week later he proclaimed his wild passion warmer,” he said, “they all pair off, in just and I was so flabbergasted I broke the the same way…” heel of my boot and said ‘shit’. When I was an undergraduate, at the I thought that would be the end of it, Other Place, I was a member of the but a few red roses followed. Five chil- Christian Union. It’s hard to convey, a dren later, it’s probably about time I generation later, quite how awesome an demanded another.

FASHION 08 Feb 13, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Would you Adam & Eve Ask Me estino Mario T

Paloma Picasso, designer, world famous for her perfumes, jewellery and fashion accessories

Fashion is... to create your own style out of the fashion that surrounds you or against it if need be.

An indulgence is... A wood fire burning in the chimney while it is snowing outside, fresh flowers in the house and reading a book next to the person I love after having finished this interview.

My favourite smell is... Still the fragrance that bears my name.

The last thing you had to have? Some plates from L’Eclaireur, Paris, which are made from Terres melées, which is a technique where the clay is coloured, in this instance red and green and then mixed together in twirls before firing. Nowadays I get more excited by things for the home than things to wear.

I couldn't live without... A black sweater, a pair of black tapered trousers and some sophisticat- ed Manolo Blahniks.

My all-time fashion icon is... Diana Vreeland because she was always extreme in the most natural way. It is thanks to her that I did my first fashion photographs, in the sixties when I was 15 with Richard Avedon for American Vogue.

What was it like being Yves Saint Laurent's muse during the 1970s? Actually it was in the very early seven- ties, I made an impression on him by coming to dinner dressed in an out- landish 1940’s black dress, I had bought in London with a pink turban with feathers and very red lips. Following that evening we carried on a fashion dialogue, where I tried to anticipate his next moves.

The fashion police should ban... I am afraid I have to answer not another pair of ripped blue jeans or even worse embellished ripped blue jeans. Models: Nick and Biz Nick wears olive boiler suit from Catfish What are your inspirations? Biz wears floral slip dress from Catfish, diamante handcuff from Ally Soooo HOT! Oh gosh NO! My latest way of working is trying to Lulu, watch by Patek Philippe & albino corn snake find the answers to my husband Eric’s Stylists: Pierre Bonnet & Ronojoy Dam Fuck Buddies – we are young and Long Term Relationships – wish list otherwise my influences tend Photo: Ria Cooke we are free… yawnnnnn… to be rather abstract, you could say Thanks to the boys at no.29 especially ‘Shithead’ Bingo – way to go! Hobson St. Ugly Rap Stars – Ja Rule? Jay-Z? emotional. I like playing with con- House Parties sans porters - God don’t like ugly. trasts, with positive-negative, looking cheap and friendly. You choose the Real Men Outdoor Productions at the empty shape versus the contour. Man, let’s all give some slack to E-v-e, the original bad music plus lots of drink: Fun fun Inc, Las Vegas - men go round girl fashion icon. Without her giving herself up to that fun! Hammond House rocks! paintballing naked women running What's exciting you in the fashion Neckerchiefs – tres glam/ love bites around. Not funny. world at the moment? dastardly temptation there’d actually be no glam look butters. The best: Hermes Overpriced Punk Stuff – dumb. What’s exciting is that everything is designer boutiques, stripteases, getting all dirty mind- twilly scarves - £52 www.mobileasses.com – cool for possible, there are no boundaries. ed and no hot apple pie. And hey, Adam was a bit of an Resonance FM – so fresh and so about 2 mins and then you realise The truth is there are no more rules cool www.resonancefm.com it’s the brainchild of some lame-ass to break and soon we will have to annoying self-righteous nudist anyway. butt lover. invent some.

LIFESTYLE www.varsity.co.uk Feb 13, 2004 09

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Win Ann Date of the Week Last Week’s Date Summers goodies Your chance to date Cambridge’s most eligible singletons! To celebrate the rather timely opening of a Cambridge-based Ann Summers shop (3 Amy

Lionís Yard), the naughty knicker specialists ah are exclusively offering Varsity readers the tt chance to win a selection of valentine themed i-A

Our date of the week is for prizes, including underwear and novelty Amy Harrison, a 1st year ae O c chocolates. To make this Valentineís day one to SPS-er from Kings. r remember, simply answer the G following question. Milos Formanís 1996 film, The People vs Larry Flynt, tells the story of which top shelf magazine? a)Playboy From: East London. b)Hustler Favourite Song: “I just wanna dance with somebody...” c)Babes with Jugs Favourite Book: The Old Man and the Sea by Last weeks date, Sholto, chose Caroline Bordas, a law student from Clare, Ernest Hemingway. to share a jaccuzzi with at The Glassworks. “Sholto was very entertaining,” Describe yourself in three words: East London Lovel. said Caroline “and the jacuzzi was lovely”. Of the date Sholto concluded What I’m best at: Conspiring “Caroline is a lovely girl- Live the dream.” What I’m worst at: Making decisions Answer, name and college to deput- To pull me: Love yourself! Guest passes to Glassworks include full use of the jacuzzi, sauna, steam [email protected] by room, showers, gym and excercise classes. The price of a pass ranges from £10 Feb 19th. A winner will To date Amy email [email protected] with ‘Amy’ in to £15 depending on when you go. Glassworks is situated on Thompsons Lane, be selected from the the title by Sunday. Send answers to the same ques- just off Bridge Street, ring 01223 305060 or access correct answers and tions, your contact details and a photo if possible. www.theglassworksgym.co.uk for more details. informed via email PAGE FOURTEEN 12 Feb 13, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk PAGE PHWOAR-TEEN!

STUDENTS SORDID STEAMY SEX SCANDAL (Sort Of)

Varsity bosses were left reeling last night after it was found that Dave “four birds” Fawbert and Al “alibi, honest” Rushmer each had a 12 in a bed sex romp, Page Fourteen can exclusively reveal. The pair, both aged 21, managed to have their marathon orgy despite the lack of the 11 other people usually required for steamy sex scandals that tabloids thrive on, Page Fourteen can also reveal.

“Essentially what we have done is take a potentially slanderous story, a lie you might say, and hoped that people won’t read past the first line, after which we completely contradict ourselves” a spokesman for the paper said yesterday.

The two journalists of the year (year 2004-05, Page Fourteen Journalism Awards) are thought to be the first ever celebs to be caught Daisy - refused to comment yesterday in an orgy-less orgy. Varsity editors Reggie Vettasseri and Laura-Jane Foley, both familiar with sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll scandals them- selves, broke the news late last night to a shocked and packed press conference and described the situation as “serious” but the two love Page Fourteen Says... gods themselves declined to comment. Who’d have thought it?! can’t have some good honest Two‘upstanding’ Cambridge fun when you’re young then The two at the centre of the story commented through their agent to students at the centre of the when can you?” The lack of our roving reporter (desperate for a story): “well, I went to bed about biggest sex scandal since Bill any accuracies in the story midnight and woke up around 9ish, I had a really weird dream about Clinton mentioned that doesn’t matter, scandal sells bacon”. So in fact they did comment despite what is written at the end Monica was partial to a puff and this one will run and of the previous paragraph (the truth is immaterial to us tabloids). on a pink cigar. Well, we at run. Stay tuned for more Friends of the saucy pair tried to defend them, simply saying “bol- Page Fourteen say “if you juicy libel. locks”. The statement speaks for itself. Girls, similar to these, may have been involved in the orgy of lust

About Cambridge

It’s week 5 and you’re fed up. The arctic conditions rolling in from the fens have managed to brass your

chive monkeys, half of the college have disappeared into the academic black-hole (they will not be seen until grad- uation, by which point they will have lost half their body weight and grown a beard down to their knees) and you have enough paper on your desk to keep Murdoch in business for the next 5 years. So why fight it? Get depressed, and revel in the fact that it is still 4 weeks until you can go home, have a hot bath and sleep arsity Ar

V on a mattress that has not been used by 26 other people.

hings 1. Rowing – we already get up about 5 hours earli- 6. All architecture from 1960s onwards – Cripps

T er than any other students, so why get up even ear- Buildings for example. Stop trying to make a cre- lier to freeze on the Cam in lycra tight enough to ative point and just design something that looks make even Linford Christie blush? half decent (see picture)

ap 2. 9 O’clock lectures – who’s together by 9? The 7. Girton and Homerton – not the colleges or

r kebab is still stuck to the side of your face and your their residents but the fact that you poor people mouth feels like a well used nomads flip flop. In have so far to travel. You ought to get a free sports the words of many a student up and down the degree for doing so much cycling. Rumour has it country “sack it off ”. that Girton will be applying for EU membership in the next 2 years so good luck with that! 3. Too much work – how are we supposed to grow

10 C as social beings and catch Neighbours twice a day 8. Aggressive Beggars – I’d be more inclined to in order to catch the subtleties in the acting? Alan donate if you weren’t wearing better clothes than Fletcher (a.k.a. Karl Kennedy) was at RADA, don’t me and didn’t hurl abuse when I claim, accurately, you know (maybe). that I haven’t got any change.

4. Ridiculous names for things – Tripos, bops, 9. Tourists – Charming at first. Not when you P’lodge, matriculation, ents etc. Why, oh why must realise there’s been 3 Japanese tourists staring we embarrass ourselves consistently relating univer- through your window for the past 10 minutes. And sity life to non-cambridge friends? you’re on the 3rd floor.

5. Abbreviations – everywhere, even short words 10. Cambridge Nightclubs – where else in the get the CamAbb. Treatment (Trin?). CUSU, world would people not begrudge paying £6 to CICCU etc. and by far the best, CUMS. On a dance to terrible music, get attacked by townies, Christ’s ‘Typewriter’ Cripps Building. This is a truly rubbish building. I could similar note, why do we not have a Cambridge drunken hooray Henry’s and pay £4.60 for a Prince make one better than this. Just look at it. It’s shit. Complete bollocks. University Netball Team? Consort vodka and rola cola mixer? New Varsity Campaign - Free School Lane Loser requests p14 love tips Dear Page 14, confirm or deny your self-assessment, Since it seems that our valient campaign to save Gardies and won’t hurt you, it’s served its time and deserves a new I’m a bit of a catch. But I never get some time spent reassessing your per- is failing, it is time for us to adopt another noble place of rest. I’m sure CUSU will support us in this politi- any action because I’m always busy. sonal hygeine may not go amiss. Be student cause - and Page Fourteen’s choice is to cally-correct movement – after all it is black, quite gay It’s doing my head in, and I’m worried realistic. For instance, are you sure fight to Free School Lane. and comes from a poor background (you never get any the girl of my dreams will slip through you’re unphotogenic, or is it that just postcards of the poor thing). Free School Lane, you my fingers. Help me an accurate representation of your That poor Lane has been providing a walkway know it makes sense. Desperate of Tit Hall unpleasant little face? past that strange Chinese shop towards the New The point, old son, is this: aim low. Museums site for over 500 years when its secret Future campaigns – Tennis Court Road fights for Dear Desperate, It can’t fail. If it’s slipping through desire has always been to provide the path towards learning its right to be near a Tennis Court and Downing Are you sure you’re a bit of a catch? your fingers that worries you, look for for youngsters on their way to the local comp. So come on, Street asks to be given as much respect as his twin If no-one else will get close enough to a fat bird. And the best of luck. find it in your hearts to free School Lane. It’s not a cyclepath brother.

EDITORIAL 12 Feb 13, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

V-heart-sity loves you

It’s here again, that ‘have or have not’ date, February 14th - the day when we commemorate the martyrdom of a third century saint by giv- ing each other overly-sentimental cards, flowers, cuddly teddy bears and other commercial tat. If you have a boyfriend or girlfriend (bully for you) then it must be a wonderful day, but if like me you have never had a significant other on Valentine’s day then it is probably one of the most grating days of the year, underlining as it inevitably does how woeful your life is. Those with partners appear sickeningly smug at their contentment as they plan their romantic sojourns to the Isle of Wight. I’ve one friend who has been scouring the shops for the most obscure ingredients for the past week to cook for her delightful boyfriend on Saturday. But before you scream out in protest at such “coupley-ness”, Varsity is here, just in time, to spread the love that has descended on the Varsity offices this week. Each section has embraced the spirit of Valentine’s day to bring you this special edition of V-heart-sity. From pole dancers in News, agony aunts in Interview to sex in Theatre you simply can’t get away from it. It’s all good light-hearted fun so don’t write in to complain we’re rubbing your noses in it if you’re unattached (so are both the editors) enjoy the day for what it is. Drink to the single life and celebrate St. Valentine by discussing the merits of being single and remembering how horrible and duplicitous your ex-boyfriend was! Oooh I feel better already…

Super-visions

It is a truth universally acknowledged that supervisions are a Good Thing. They are the point, really, of coming to Cambridge. Without them, universities like this are no longer universities like this: they are universities like everywhere else, and no number of Dreaming Spires can hope to make up for the loss. It is certainly true that the supervision is not what it was. Then again, neither is Cambridge: students may have been supervised more often in smaller groups in the past, but there were also fewer under- graduates, and so the comparison is facile. It is inevitable that as the The Week in Words university grows, and the funding gap increases, teaching methods will have to change somewhat. “It was a delight to have Stephen in the club. I was in awe - “Ps. I have a single 28 year old son 6 foot 7, slim, blonde who Still, at heart, the principle of the supervision remains the same: that he’s my all-time hero.” loves God - I would love you as a daughter in law”. is, that teaching is in small enough groups that a genuine intellectual dialogue emerges, and no-one is able to avoid contributing. Its value is, Peter Stringfellow on cosmologist and motor-neurone suffer- The offers of marriage pour in for Laura… curiously, and counter-intuitively, perhaps greatest to those of us not er Stephen Hawking who has savoured the delights of blessed with the necessary brain to carry on these scholarly discussions Stringfellows. “The great British tradition of queuing up outside in all as parts of our future careers. For professors in waiting, supervisions weathers has had its day” must seem much of a muchness, little different form daily life; for the “We both have but a very small family and only a few friends rest of us, it’s like playing football against Arsenal. You can’t, then, but we wanted to have many guests at our wedding.” The Tory MP Derek Conway supporting plans to build a hope to compete, and so it is all right to make mistakes, as many as you new reception area outside the Houses of Parliament. want, so long as they are interesting ones. At its worst, of course, it can Belgian’s Ronny Buysse and Marianne Lacouf, who adver- be a tool of intimidation, humiliation and authoritarianism - but if an tised in their local newspaper for guests to come to their “Valentines Day? Just forget it: Take a pill, have a drink or education system has been devised which cannot be thus perverted, it wedding. something” is not an especially well known one. The supervision is the family silver. Redevelop Kings’ chapel as a “Sorry, but I’m not publicising Harry’s songs for her!” Laura Virginia Ironside probably won’t be sending any Valentine’s nightclub; flog the backs to a the developers; make Senate House a tuts, before arsing about with a felt tip for 20 minutes and cards this year. giant McDonalds. But, Vice-Chancellor, and every Vice-Chancellor composing something 100% better”. that follows you - don’t give up on the supervision, Varsity implores “I lived a beautiful love story and this wedding testifies to it,” you. It is a rare, extraordinary thing, and it is worth a very great deal, A Guardian columnist on the Varsity editor who this week and once it is gone it will be gone for good. Let us hope that day swapped reporting the news for being it. Christel Demichel who married her boyfriend 18 months never comes. after he was killed in an accident.

If you would like to contribute to Varsity please Arts/News Photos ([email protected]) Lifestyle ([email protected]) Editorial Cartoonist e-mail the relevant section editor. To submit a Andrew Gillespie Alex Grundy, Vicki Booth Andrew James letter to the editor please email Jack Chiles Fashion ([email protected]) [email protected] ot drop your letter into the Sports Photos ([email protected]) Ronojoy Dam offices at 11-12 Trumpington Street. Andrew Sims Theatre ([email protected]) Editors ([email protected]) Chief News ([email protected]) Chris Adams, Charlotte Holden Laura-Jane Foley Bryan Coll Music ([email protected]) Reggie Vettasseri News ([email protected]) Henry Bowen, Edwin Lane Business Manager [email protected] Web Editor ([email protected]) Aisleigh Sawyer, Gabriella Gozwiak Film ([email protected]) Sam Gallagher Jonathan Wood Radio News ([email protected]) Oliver Tilley Production Manager ([email protected]) Benjamin Bland Classical Music ([email protected]) Email the Business Manager to enquire about Ifti Qurashi Comment ([email protected]) Ciaran Jenkins placing adverts. Chief Photos Editor ([email protected]) Amol Rajan Visual Arts ([email protected]) Ria Cooke National News ([email protected]) Dawn Tunstall Deputy Editor (News) ([email protected]) Ollie Rickman, Esther Blintiff Literature ([email protected]) Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Archie Bland Features ([email protected]) Zoe Organ Ltd and printed by Cambridge Evening News. Deputy Editor (Arts) ([email protected]) Tom Cahill Sport ([email protected]) All copyright is the exclusive property of Varsity Ellen E Jones Interviews ([email protected] Rajan Lakhani, Sam Richardson Publications Ltd. No part of this publication may Photo Editor ([email protected]) James Dacre, Will Gallagher Science (web) be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or Ella McPherson Page Fourteen ([email protected]) Tom Simonite transmitted in any form or by any means, with- Alex Rushmer, Dave Fawbert out the prior permission of the publisher. /13/02/04/LISTINGS/ Welcome to Varsity’s Listings pull-out.With our expert’s top recommendations below, Listings is your essential weekly guide to what’s on in Cambridge over the next seven days. FILM LIT MUSIC THEATRE CLASSICAL

‘Gods and Goddesses’ welcomes Being as bonkers as a bucket full London’s most exciting exponents Atheists often argue that a benevo- Set against the decaying granduer Three is the magic number at West of fruit bats never stopped Von of “rappoetry” shortMAN, lent God, knowing about Allo, Allo of India, a naive actress becomes Road this Thursday when the Triers from amassing impressive Phenzwaan, Ventriloquist and and stinky cheese could never have involved in the UNESCO world Florestan Trio present three very dif- ensemble casts. In Dogville, others to the Portland Arms. Sort invented France. But they forget that poverty conference. A Map of The ferent...um...trios. Their intimate Lauren Becall, Ben Gazzara, Chole of like if Jay Z met up with Seamus in His infinite wisdom, He obvi- World is a scintillating comedy knowledge of their repertoire, as dis- Sevigny and James Caan join Heany to discuss the next steps of ously anticipated the ethereal lovli- about the West and its problemat- played on their fine CDs for the forces for this Brechtian tale of the anti-capitalist movement. ness of French duo Air and decided, ic relationship to the Third World. Hyperion label leads us to expect a th Depression Era America Arts Saturday 14 February, 8pm, £5 (£4 on balance, it was worth it. Corn Corpus Playroom 17th - 21st Feb very polished performance. Picturehouse, 13th - 19th Feb Students) Exchange 17th Feb, £16, 01223 357 851 19 Feb, 8pm 01223 503333

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WWW.VARSITY.CO.UK Updated daily for the latest news and reviews L2 LISTINGS 13 FEBRUARY 04

CU Wu Shu Kwan: CU Chabad Society: Beginners FILM MISC BIG DEMONSTRATION! Featuring Talmud Class - no previous knowl- some of world’s top martial edge necessary. Chabad House - 19 MUSIC artists!Christs College, New Court Regent Terrace, 8pm. Friday Friday Sunday Theatre. 3pm. CU Karate Club: Beginners Kumite. APU: Christ’s Films: Finding Nemo. CU Karate Club: Beginners Session-all Queens’ College, Squash Courts. 6pm. Alison Stephens (mandolin) Christs College, New Court Theatre. C.U. Ta Chi Chuan Society: welcome. Fenners Large Gym, 8pm. £2. Russell Gillespie (flute) 8pm & 10:30pm. £2. Tai Chi Chuan: Hand-form; Self- £2. Lauren Scott (harp). defence; Pushing-hands; Weapons; Nei Culanu: Jewish Cambridge’s unmiss- Mumford Theatre, Anglia,1:10pm. St John’s Films: Love Actually - Kung. Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway CU Wu Shu Kwan: Chinese able weekly social...eat, drink and be touching & funny, simply perfect after Room. 2pm. £2/3. Kickboxing -the ultimate art of self- merry! The Culanu Centre, 33a Bridge Cambridge Indie Society: Valentine’s Day. St. John’s College, defence. Christs College, New Court St, between Oxfam and The Galleria. Indie/Alternative/Retro/Rock. Fisher Building. 7pm & 10pm. £2. Monday Theatre. 8pm. £3. 10pm. The Kambar, opposite Corn Exchange Buddhist Meditation: Samatha box office. 9:30pm. £3. Monday Trust,Thai breath meditation. C.U. Tai Chi Chuan Society: Cambridge University Persian [email protected]. Tai Chi Chuan: Hand Form; Self- Saturday Kettle’s Yard: Society: Close-up, by Abbas www.samatha.org defence; Pushing-hands; Weapons; Nei CEILIDH from The Round: Lunch time concert, lasting approx 40 Kiarostami (1990) has become a Pembroke College, Seminar Room, N Kung . Traditional-ish dancing to live music. mins. Kettle’s Yard, . 1:10pm. favorite among film-makers. 7. 7:30pm. Clare College, Bythe Room. “compassionate and brain-teasing..” All welcome, no partner needed. 7pm. £2/3. Parkside Community College, Queens’ Ents: Emmanuel College, Queen’s CU Ballet Club: Performance class Parker’s Piece. 8pm. £3 waged/£4.50 UPTOWN SPLURT! Biggest party in Auditorium. 8pm. Dontaion for Bam (Intermediate). Contempory classical dertie promotion: unwaged. Cambridge feat ROBBO RANX!. Earthquake Charity. dance experience! 1.5hr. Queens’ drink offers - entertainers - que jump Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall. College, Bowett Room. 3pm. £2. for clubs and shows. Ishca, quay side. 9pm. £4. Thursday CU Ballet Club: Intermediate ballet. 8pm. Free class for grds 6-7ish. Queens’ Christ’s Films: The Rocky Horror CU Ballet Club: Beginners pointe, College, Bowett Room. 2:30pm. £1. TCSU: Picture Show. Christs College, New 0.5hr. Live your dreams! Queens’ Kick Bo: Non-contact aerobics using ‘The Rift’ play indie rock supported Court Theatre. 10pm. £2. College, Bowett Room. 4:30pm. £0.50. the dynamic kicking and punching by Akira & Scott Fruhan. CU Ballet Club: Advanced ballet: Free moves of Martial-Arts. New Hall, class for grds 7/8+. Kelsey Kerridge, Trinity College, WPR. 9pm. £2. St John’s Films: Good bye, Lenin! - CU Chabad Society: Yiddish - learn Long Room. 5:30pm. £2. Alex has to pretend the East German 4:30pm. £1. the language of your grandparents. Trinity College Music Society: regime still exists.St. John’s College, Chabad House - 19 Regent Terrace, Wednesday CU Karate Club: Beginners Class- The Petrucci Ensemble perform DE Fisher Building. 9pm. £2. 8pm. CU Karate Club: Kata Session-Kyu beginners to 7th Kyu. Fenners Large PROFUNDIS - Music for the death of grades. Fenners Small Gym, 8pm and Gym, 2pm. £2. Ockgehem. Trinity College, Trinity Friday CU Karate Club: Squad Session. 9pm £1. College Chapel. 8pm. £5, £3 conces- Central/European Film Club: Fenners Large Gym, 8pm. £2. The Pembroke College Winnie-The- sions, £1 TCMS members. Chico by Ibolya Fekete (2001). In Thursday Pooh Society: Where minutes are Hungarian with English subtitles. Tuesday CU Ballet Club: taken and hours are lost. Bridge Street, Saturday Caius College, Bateman Auditorium. CU Ballet Club: Improvers ballet. 1hr Beginners ballet, all welcome! 4a, Room 15. 4pm. Allways Music: 8pm. for grds 4-6ish. Kelsey Kerridge, 8pm. Queens’ College, Bowett Room. 6pm THE SOPHIE GARNER SEXTET £1.00. and 7pm £1.50. Central/European Film Club: Dinner/Dance. Sunday 7:30pm. £25. Chico by Ibolya Fekete (2001). In CU Ballet Club: Beginners jazz, all CU Karate Club: Intermediates ses- CU Karate Club: Beginners Class- Hungarian with English subtitles. welcome! Queens’ College, Bowett sion-6th Kyu and above. Queens’ beginners to 7th Kyu. Fenners Large Caius College, Bateman Auditorium. Room. 4:30pm. £1.00. College, Bowett Room. 8pm. £2. 8pm. Gym, 2pm. £2. CU Ballet Club: Performance class C.U. Tai Chi Chuan Society: CU Karate Club: Advanced Class-6th (advanced). Contemporary classical Tai Chi Chuan: Hand-form; Self- Kyu and above. Fenners Large Gym, dance 1.5hr. Queens’ College, Bowett defence; Pushing-hands; Weapons; Nei 1"3,
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CLOSING DATE: 31 MARCH 2004 To view more listings visit www.varsity.co.uk

13 FEBRUARY 04 LISTINGS L3 Kettle’s Yard: Coffee concert, The Kreutzer Quartet. MUSIC Coffee served from 11.30 - approx 1 TALK hour. Kettle’s Yard, . 12am. £3. Saturday (cont...) Friday Monday GCMS: CICCU: Ed Corn, horn;Florence Cooke, violin; R*E*P*E*A*T Night: Sidgwick@One: Foucault and the Michael McHale, piano: Live bands. authority of the Bible. Brahms - Horn Trio. Caius College, Akira supported by Resin and Caught Sidgwick Site, Meade Room Bateman Auditorium. 1:15pm. In The Zip. Portland Arms, . 8pm. £3. (Economics). 1pm.

King’s Cellars: NIGHT OF LOVE: Tuesday Globalise Resistance: 80s electrocheese. NO HEAVY PET- TCMSwGeoffCoombe: How Can We Resist TING: we don’t dance in your bed- Jazz Record Listening Sessions: Why Neo-Liberalism and War?. room. King’s Cellars, . 10pm. £2 (non- Jazz Matters. McCrum Theatre, Benet Street, next to Kings). Music Faculty, West Rd, Lecture Room 4. Eagle Pub. 7pm (and Saturday, Sunday 7:30pm. £6/4. and Monday) Queens’ Ents: RHYTHM SYNDICATE! Get away Wednesday Monday from Valentines with commercial Jesus College Music Society APE. Animals People and the dance!. Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Wednesday Recital: Environment: Hall. 9pm. £4. David Yardley sings English Saving the Sight of the Blind in the 3rd Renaissance Song (including Dowland World. The Bath House Gwydir Street Warning: and Campion). Jesus College Chapel, 9pm. Cambridge, . Club night; ribcageshaking Drum & 8pm. £1. Bass. The Junction, .10pm. £11/£12.50. King’s College : Lunchtime recital by Ballantine Sextet, Tuesday Sunday music by Damase & Farkas. CUSS - Dr G Orledge: Fitzwilliam College Music Society: King’s College Chapel, . 1:15pm. Life In a Weird World (Ciid Beatles). Music Tripos Part 1B, Tonal Pharmacology Lecture Theatre, . Compositions. Fitzwilliam College, Trinity College Music Society: 8pm. £Free for members, £1 for non Fitzwilliam Chapel. 8pm. Penny Cox sings French songs and arias. Trinity College, The Frazer Thursday GCMS: Room. 8pm. £4, £2 concessions, £1 CICCU: David Somerville Wright, baritone; TCMS members. The Bible Talk: What does a true Eugenia Cheng, piano: believer look like?. Songs by Schubert, Faure Caius Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall. College, Bateman Auditorium.8:30pm. 1pm.

Great tasting, great value CU Chabad Society: Tradition & Modernity: Varieties of Bored Geographer Response. pizza for delivery Robinson College, Linnett Room. wanted for part time 7:30pm. research. and collection Love Actually, 15 Friday Sunday 15th February - CICCU: 7pm & 10pm Sidgwick@One: How to be free... Please phone Peter Sidgwick Site, Meade Room DOMINOS CAMBRIDGE: 01223 355155 Good bye, Lenin!,15 (Economics). at 07946565815 27 HILLS ROAD, CAMBRIDGE, CB2 1NW Thursday 19th February - 9pm 1pm. www.stjohnsfilms.org

REDS presents Out of Order: Award-winning comedy by Ray Cooney. ADC THEATRE Theatre, . 7:45pm. £Tues-Thurs £6.50/£5, Fri & Sat Friday £7.50/£5. ADC: “My Native Land” by Rodney Clark. Love, Sunday nationalism and race in wartime East Africa. ADC: The Playroom, . 8pm. £4/£5.50. “My Native Land” by Rodney Clark. Love, nationalism and race in wartime East Africa. ETG: The Playroom, . 8pm. £4/£5.50. MISS JULIE - the best of European drama; pow- erful, sexual and richly textured. ADC: ADC Theatre, 11pm. £3 - £4. “My Native Land” by Rodney Clark. Love, nationalism and race in wartime East Africa. REDS presents Out of Order: The Playroom, 7pm. £4/£5.50. Award-winning comedy by Ray Cooney. ADC Theatre, . 7:45pm. Tuesday Tues-Thurs £6.50/£5, CUADC: Fri & Sat £7.50/£5. THE VISIT - a tragicomedy filled with dark humour. ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £5 - £7.50. Saturday ADC: The Comedy Iceberg: “My Native Land” by Rodney Clark. Love, WHOSE ICEBERG IS IT ANYWAY? - a one night nationalism and race in wartime East Africa. revival. The Playroom, . 8pm. £4/£5.50. ADC Theatre, 11pm. £3.

ETG: Wednesday MISS JULIE - the best of European drama; pow- CUADC: erful, sexual and richly textured. ADC Theatre, . THE VISIT - a tragicomedy filled with dark 11pm. £3 - £4. humour. ADC Theatre, . 7:45pm. £5 - £7.50.

Pembroke Players: STUDENT ENTREPRENEURS HERE KITTY - a new play about sex, lies REQUIRED! and jelly babies. ADC Theatre, 11pm. £3 - £4. There is a wave of money coming this way Thursday CUADC: THE VISIT - a tragicomedy filled with Only some can see it dark humour. ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £5 - £7.50.

Do you want to see it? Pembroke Players: HERE KITTY - a new play about sex, lies and jelly babies. look out! If you work hard - you may ADC Theatre, 11pm. £3 - £4. drown and graduate without debt! www.freedom4everyone.co.uk

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I filmed the show for fifteen hours a day you don’t have your hair cut”. “You’ll fail”. “It’s every single day for four weeks. So the one hour up to you. Do you want to have your hair cut show was very heavily edited to create the or walk off the project?”Do you see your hair as Laura-Jane impression that the director wanted to create part of your body?” “Would it be like losing rather representing the truth. your virginity?” AAARRRGGGHH! My vehe- Foley One of the flash points of the programme ment reaction was towards that treatment not came when I was taken to a hairdresser’s and towards the notion of having my hair cut! If I had played along I wouldn’t have been por- trayed so badly but why should I give in to the whims of a jumped-up television producer? REALITY TV SHOULD The distorted If I ever find myself in a similar position I HAVE A DIFFERENT NAME shall learn that when you are asked a pointed Faking It this week featured a posh choirgirl me she had “my best interests at heart,” I signed question like, “would having your hair cut be who didn’t drink, didn’t swear, didn’t do sex the contract. like us asking you to sleep around?”, you don’t and they tried to make her into a rock chick. The next week the director wanted to film reality behind answer! You certainly don’t comply when they Apparently, it was a programme about me. an interview with me discussing the type of ask you to “rephrase the question in the form of It certainly looked like me and sounded like music I listened to, what I did at Cambridge, an answer”. I.e. “I’m not having my hair cut in me but trust me, it wasn’t actually me. Channel that sort of thing. When it came to it she obses- the same way that I’m not going out pulling 4 say that “the only fake thing about the show sively questioned me about sex, boyfriends and “Faking It” loads of men”. Countless times I made ridicu- is the faker” but the whole thing from begin- religion. And this was where the editing and lous statements because of this. What have I ning to end was faked. The producers wanted a manipulation began. “I don’t go to church reg- told I was going to have my hair chopped off. learnt? Don’t do reality TV! Unless of course certain type of girl and through careful editing ularly but I pop into a church or chapel when In the broadcast version I seemed like a mani- you play along with the producers. they made sure they got her. I’m passing one occasionally” becomes a radi- ac protesting wildly about my hair. The voice- So, to set the record straight, I do swear It all started in May when a “black tie drinks cally different sentence when it starts from “I over suggested that this was the first time the (though I’m not proud of that fact!), I drink, I party” was hosted by Channel 4 in a college pop into a church when I’m passing one” and topic had been broached with me. LIE. Before go out, I listen to classical and modern music, that wasn’t even my own. Alarm bells faintly drops the “occasionally”! As does “I think it’s the month began I stated quite firmly to the I went to a state school and my mum’s more chimed in the background but with the excite- difficult to say I don’t believe in sex before mar- production team that I wouldn’t have my hair like Edina from AbFab than the repressive ment of it all my fears on how this would come riage. You don’t know who you’re going to fall cut. The hairdresser episode wouldn’t have been “deeply religious” woman they implied she was. across were replaced by what my friends and I in love with. I just think it’s an ideal” when it quite so bad if it hadn’t lasted for 40 minutes. I’ve got nothing to rebel against. I said all of should be wearing on TV. Not a shrewd move. suddenly becomes “I don’t believe in sex before The director insisted I sat in the chair with the this in front of the camera.....but unsurprising- My friend Keir begged me to think about how marriage”. It’s all in the edit. I was portrayed as hairdresser lurking behind me menacingly with ly none of it was included - it wouldn’t have negatively I could be portrayed; “normal people a repressed, uptight devout choirgirl just pass- a pair of sharp, shiny scissors. For just under an made such an entertaining programme. And don’t have black tie drinks parties,” he protest- ing the years singing and listening to S Club hour I was subjected to a verbal assault from one more thing, Marilyn Manson’s agent actu- ed. But after talking to the director who assured until it’s time for me to enter the nunnery. the director. “You’ll be letting people down if ally thought my song was rather good!

Letters should be submitted no later than midnight Cryptic crossword No.5: Set by Luke Pebody on Wednesday, and be as concise as possible. The editors reserve the right to edit all copy. Write to: Letters [email protected] tutes a strong endorsement. Do we want our repre- sentative body endorsing a society which targets and God Almighty aims to eradicate the ‘alternative’ faiths and sexual Dear Editor, preferences in our community?

Thank you for your (front page) article on the Yours sincerely, Alex Corbishley “unconstructive” nature of CICCU’s “gay people are going to Hell!” stance. However, I’m afraid that I Dear Editor, have to take issue with both the editorial and Archie Bland’s piece. It is NOT the case that Christians Last week, I attended a ‘Grill-a-Christian’ session and HAVE to be opposed to homosexuality. The Bible left disappointed. Rather than celebrate the similari- does NOT say that homosexuality is a form of sexual ties between different faiths, the panel asserted that all immorality. CICCU have their chance to have their other religions are a waste of time. I respect the right say, but if what they are saying is racist, sexist and of free speech but not when it attacks other peoples’ homophobic simply why should they be allowed to beliefs in such an unconstructive way. I await the day go unchallenged? that the Quiz Society start attempting to convert peo- ple to the cult of William G Stewart. Ramesh Perera on behalf of CUSU LBG Paul Kellaway, Fitzwilliam College Dear Editor, UL not concentration camp If you are gay and, during the recent CICCU evangel- istic campaign, you were on the receiving end of Dear Editor, homophobic remarks of the disgraceful sort men- tioned in last week’s Varsity, you must NOT let the Last week, the UL building was described as ‘resem- Across Down matter rest there! You should write to whoever bling a Victorian workhouse, crematorium, or most 1. "Chemical", a downloadable song (1-6) offended you and give them the choice of a written 1. Slip severely around the king (5,7) sinister of all, a concentration camp’. I wonder 8. It sounds like a re-make of a 80's movie 2. Where to find this type of sport event (7) apology or the matter being referred to both 3. Roast secret club in confused institutions whether the writers would care to elaborate on why was a large bomb! (7) University authorities and to the Police. We must 9. Fire kind of rocks (7) (9) they seem to find this a particularly apt comparison? recognise the beauty and glory of true love whatever 11. Note a kind of turn the spanish put into 4. One of three states that initially refused To me it is merely another instance of tastelessness it: it's part of the package!(2-5) everything it could have (5) the sex or sexuality of the two people involved. On a and a lack of reflection. 12. He was never too tied up that he could- 5. Could be sexy or, perhaps, smelly. (7) lighter note, as a celibate, gay Christian, I have had n't find some free time. (7) 6. An album of pornography. (7) some very interesting sexual offers from male mem- 13. Bold, but on edge. (5) 7. State one of the commonest names for Yours, Axel Gelfert, Wolfson College 14. Return letter about myself, after going hero. (7,5) bers of CICCU in my 36 years in Cambridge. As for back. (10) 10. Let's fuse pins together, although it is a Stephen Boon, the Secretary of CICCU, we know 16. A German agreement before former kind of cruelty. (12) each other though not in the Biblical sense and I Scrabble,again colony gets soft American rice dish. (10) 15. Poisonous plant, defecated by an thought he looked really lovely in his red Mission 19. Rotten band in french is an asian rice amphibian? (9) dish. (5) 17. The king whose name is forbidden. (7) sweatshirt. Dear Editor, 21. The capital that is divided, approxi- 18. Dump this team! (7) mately, is a coin. (7) 19. Her wasp got destroyed in the first Yours, William Hutton 23. A sitcom without a digit and, addition- cycle. (7) In the “The Scrabble Debate” Matt Tointon implies ally, a non-blood relative. (7) 20. A single Italian broadsheet, in which a that “queens” would be the highest-scoring college 24. The queen is after an arse that's more 1930's actress eats foreign Dear Editor name in Scrabble. In fact, in play, “downing” could hard. (7) spinach (7) score up to 98; “trinity”: 92; “queens”: 75; and 25. Places to practice golf after a round for 22. After a return, one down is pungent. (5) If somebody wants to hate homosexuals then that’s fruits. (7) “kings”: 45. I should also like to add “johns” and 26. Very cheesy American city (12) their prerogative. We can argue ‘til the cows come “corpus” to this list of valid Scrabble words (scoring home whether it’s right for CICCU to hold views that up to 69 and 39 respectively). What is surely of most Last week’s answers make us uncomfortable - ultimately there’s nothing importance, though, is the fact that no Oxford college one can do about it. The issue arises when an organi- rivals Downing’s score of 98. Across: Down: sation that is meant to be impartial and inclusive 1 DESPATCH, 9 ACADEMIA, 10 EMIT, 11 2 EMMANUEL, 3 PATRICK MOORE, 4 TAN- ROGER FEDERER, 13 VULCAN, 14 ADAP- GENTS, 5 HADRIAN, 6 PAMELA, 7 EMIR, 8 endorses such opinions. CICCU is registered with the Yours, Daniel Austin TORS, 15 GLIMPSE, 16 CAVEMEN, 20 HARRISON, 12 ENTREPRENEUR, 15 proctors and is on CUSU’s list of societies. Your lead RESOURCE, 22 BURGER, 23 HOMER SIMP- GERSHWIN, 17 ASBESTOS, 18 ELECTRIC, story quoted Brinded’s praise of CICCU. This consti- SON25 EURO 26 INTENDED 27 ABSTRACT 19 BERMUDA, 21 RESIDE, 24 MYTH OPINION 14 Feb 13, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk

Sarah Solemani

HOLY HOLES AND THE MESSAGE OF CHRIST

ren’t holes interesting? You can put mail when we quite happily pick up flyers things in, take them out, lose eye- for cocktails or dance shows? Ashadow lids, find missing bearded It got me thinking. I realised there are a men. I particularly like things being put in few facts about Christians that students in my hole - hole being pigeon and things being Cambridge need to come to terms with. invitations to parties. Sometimes I get Fact one: Christians aren’t stupid. Look things that look like invitations to parties but around this special university. Everything are really from Christians who would like me that’s upright has got a poster. Now either to know more about Jesus Christ. there is one very hard-working insomniac Last week, a girl who has chosen to be a member of CICCU or the believers of the Christian wrote me a note with a lot of country are sailing through UCAS. It’s not that surprising if you think about it - while we hens on Not all of Cambridge’s students have welcomed CICCU’s Promise event Promise me heat were visiting the STD clinic and (Christian) girl on my corridor saw some- It isn’t just a talk in which you speak stealing lipsticks thing in my bin that, admittedly, should and we listen, ask questions and go home, from Boots they have been more carefully wrapped up. She it’s an attempt to show us that you know, this: Leave my were …well they looked at me and sighed. Then she went you really know, your faith is the answer weren’t. back to her room, after running her fingers and is therefore above anything we may Fact two: over a ‘witness’ poster on the door, making or may not currently believe. When you Christians have sure its blue-tac was intact. Sometimes a send us information on your club, when fun. Remember, sigh can say a thousand word, and some- you know we haven’t responded to the last holy bits alone there’s different times it can just say one word to make you load or the load before that, you are sigh- kinds of fun - feel like shit. The next day I got a note in ing at our beliefs and therefore under- there’s proper fun Try and restrain my pigeon hole saying it wasn’t too late, I mining our choices. exclamation marks. ‘Hi there!’ ‘This is a and there’s swearing at your dad, seducing yourselves from still had time to make it on the guest-list Christians of Cambridge: I am happy copy of John’s gospel!’ ‘I hope you find it your teacher and Lusting to the Sound of the daily rape of to the pearly gates. you are passionate about your faith. In interesting to look at Jesus’ life!’ ‘Contact Drumming fun. my pigeon hole She needn’t have – she had sighed. fact, I celebrate with you the freedom you me for more info!’ Fact three: Christians are good, friendly That sigh is the reason we have a right have to enjoy your religion and to wait This term the Christian Union put on people. I once stayed with a Christian who, to feel more irritated when we receive many decades until your holy bits get a ‘Promise’, a well-attended event inviting all after a night on the razz, happily cleaned up Christian invitations over any other. That good rub. Good for you. I am happy you of Cambridge’s students to come along and my sick and remembered to leave a bucket sigh is the reason why we have a right to have found the answers and feel you are listen to their talks. They also had enough and a bible beside my bed. I realised, if feel more intruded upon and more patron- right while everyone else is terribly, terri- copies of Johns gospel for every undergrad- Christians are all clever, happy, good, ised when we are posted endless flyers and bly wrong. uate in the university and (generously) gave friendly people then why should any of us psalms and gospels because, ultimately, it All I ask is that you ‘promise’ to keep them out. feel irritated, sometimes even angry, that isn’t just an invitation, it is a condemna- these passions under control, to be modest What, I would like to know, is wrong they want to share with us their knowledge, tion. However you wrap it up, however in your display and please, if you can, try with that? No, really, what is wrong with their happiness, their goodness and their many exclamation marks you use, the bot- and restrain yourselves from the daily rape that? Why do so many of us feel it is friendship? tom line is you think I will go to hell of my pigeon hole - it’s not consenting acceptable to frown or groan at Christian Then I remembered the time a because I have not chosen what you have. and, I promise you, it never will.

Helen Something in the way - Oyeyemi

INTERRUPT ME AGAIN AND but only if you think so I’LL... ERM, BE INSPIRED?

hope I’m not the only one who can’t around. She has menacing computer when you’re not thinking about construct- the room is completely silent (although gen- write unless it’s between interrup- behaviour syndrome (MCBS) you see, ing sentences properly and making things tle birdsong outside is fine if you can get it). Itions – it’s ultimately stressful and yet typing with one finger whilst hunched sound pretty. It forces the story along and I bet you any money you’ll look at the so much fun, like a nagging anxiety flick- quite far over the keyboard. I sense she makes it run straight – it feels amazing to computer screen, drink your coffee, look at ing elastic bands around in the back of would have a wildly menacing silhouette be able to keep a whole series of events and the screen, eat the chocolate, look at the your head. in a shaded room). thoughts inside a bubble, safe from things screen, wander off to the window, look at One example of this sticks in my mind – I struggled to calm down and be the big- like homework and dinner and random the screen, tentatively write a line, change it sometime in March, when I was still writ- ger girl. Instead of typing up the bits of the callers from Nigeria who you think are wil- three times and then charge off looking for ing The Icarus Girl, I got home from school book that I’d surreptitiously written in les- Imagining, however fully staying silent when you pick up the a distraction. and rushed upstairs to the computer, only sons, I could write more on paper. fantastic it is, phone but actually can’t hear a word you’re I think writing should have a flow to it; a to find my sister was online, on Yahoo It was all fine. I managed to walk to the gets tiring when saying because the lines are so bad. flow that doesn’t happen when you’re on Messenger or whatever it is she uses, chat- door without tipping over with my outrage, there’s no other your J’s. It’s clear what’s happened – we ting to people she’d seen at school about and went though to my bedroom. But call input whatsoever hen your head spins with the have this perverse thing inside us all that fifteen seconds before. Conveniently for- it the imp of the perverse – seconds later, I feeling of having your life split means we’re not able to divorce ourselves getting that this is exactly what I would was back again, throwing paper at her and Winto little sections and chewed from reality for ages and ages. Typical! It have been doing if I didn’t have Other Stuff screeching: “No, YOU shut up!” away (this often happens when you sit looks like… with a great growling, I have to to get on with, I rushed up to her (stopping Then I had to run away so as not to be down to write and then discover, with a concede that imagining, however fantastic just a few inches away – the girl can some- hurt (on the stairs, my brother was imitat- muttered “shit!”, that you’ve only written it is, gets tiring when there’s no other input times get violent) and shouted at the top of ing me, parrot like, crowing a weird jumble twelve lines in four hours). That’s the best whatsoever. my voice. of words: “No, YOUshurrup!”), and even- time to say what you have to. “I need to use that! You know I need to tually wrote ten sides of TIG in between Otherwise, try cancelling everything and There will be a reading of ‘The Icarus Girl’, use that!” making scathing comments through the sitting down in front of a blank computer organised by the Black and Asian Caucus, at “Shut up, you’re always on it.” (this (locked) door as I sat with my back against document, with four chocolate bars and a The Slug and Lettuce on Sidney Street from was said very calmly, without looking it. There’s a kind of adrenalin that you get cup of coffee steaming beside you. Make sure 7pm on Wednesday 18th February. 13.02.04 arts w Gillespie varsity e ndr ck Chiles and A Ja

ook at you all! Going round shagging Rule 2 - The ‘Relationships are like polos based on one night alone. You have to sleep with whoever you want, falling in and out of / ring doughnuts / hula hoops’ theory someone at least three times before you can start Llove, without even thinking about the Relationships are like polos / ring doughnuts / hula slagging them off behind their back, or legitimate- consequences. This is not ‘Nam, y’know. There hoops. That is to say, without their boundaries, they ly dump them on the grounds that they’re rubbish are rules! But, fortunately for the weak of char- are nothing. Randomly moving in and out of clearly in bed. You can dump them because you don’t acter, only four. Happy defined categories such as ‘friend’ and ‘person who I fancy them enough to see out three shags, but might consider doing the wild thing with’ might be that’s different. None of this is intended to chal- Rule 1 - The Eleventh Commandment alright for Jennifer Aniston and her hoity toity pals, lenge the authority of the ‘three shags dost not a “Bugger!” said God. “I forgot one. Moses is already but it’s not alright for you. ‘Friend’ is essentially just proper relationship make’ diktat, which still stands. halfway down Sinai, and the bloody tablet-thingy a posh word for someone you’d like to sleep with Three Is The Magic Number - De La Soul is already all engraved and everything. Nevermind, but can’t (usually because they’re of an inconvenient I suppose they’ll just have to work it out for gender/sexuality or going out with your best mate). Valentine’s themselves.” God was, of course, referring to the Rule 4 – “ Looooving you… is actually Thus it follows that if you start shagging everybody eleventh commandment – sometimes known as quite hard because of the colony of stag you’ll end up with no friends at all. Trying to be the ‘bros before hos’ principle. The eleventh com- beetles which live in your pubic hair” friends with people you have sex with, or visa verse No one would dare suggest that slagging it about mandment dictates that Person A may in no way is like drinking out of the same pot you piss in. is in any way an intrinsically bad way to behave. It sabotage or disrupt Person B’s attempt to seduce Buddies are for being buddies with, strangers are for is of course, lots of fun. Although if you dont want Hottie X, however misguided, doomed or humili- shagging, woman is for duty, goat is for fun, veg- to slag it about, that’s alright too. There are lots of ating this attempt is. In practical terms this means etable is for pleasure. other ways to pass a rainy Tuesday afternoon in no snorting derisively when a friend says he’s in a Day See: Jus A Friend - Mario / Biz Markie, Friends, style. If, however, in posession of the full facts and band to impress a lady and no poking your mate in When Harry Met Sally having reached the age of consent, you decide that her gel-filled bra. As a wise women once said, shagging ugly people for a laugh is your idea of a “God help the mister that comes between me and Rule 3 - The 3-shag Rule good time, at least take the time to read some my sister, but God damn the sister that comes The 3 shag Rule is based on the theory that most proper journalism on the importance of safe sex between me and my man.” people, most times, are a bit rubbish in bed the (See pg 6). You know it makes sense. See: Jolene - Dolly Parton, Your Gonna Loose That first time with someone new. Thus it forbids the Let’s Talk About Sex – Salt n Pepa, Angels in Ellen E. Jones Girl - The Beetles, Brief Encounter forming of any rash assessments of sexual prowess America, Channel 4

Classical Theatre Film My Love Live Sex Shows!!! True Romance? Page 21 Page 20 Page 16 FILM 16 Feb 13, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk It’s (not) All About Love Clementine Wade is not seduced by Vinterberg’s latest

It’s All About Love onship figure skater) from her psycho- whilst reviving their lost love, desperate- and the fantastic: dead bodies caught in dation, appear as four separate charac- On general release Feb. 13th pathic management team, who are ly try to flee from the world that is slow- escalators and dangling off the side ters with a real fluidity. The weakness attempting to extinguish her. Set against ly suffocating them. walks; micro-chips implanted in the is found in Sean Penn, playing a rather the back drop of New York, the couple There are also elements of the unreal arms of the genetically duplicated Clare odd omnipresent character who chips Danes all coincidly with an tumultuous in with an occasional commentary, am sure I vowed never to see weather cycle. connecting the state of the world to another film using Love and All in Sound confusing? To look at it cold- Clare and Jacquin’s relationship. The Ithe same sentence ever again. A ly it’s a messy production which can prospect of calculating how the great result of sitting through the two hour world freeze related to these individu- torture of Love Actually. Yet to men- Viewed coldly, it’s a als became a bit too arduous towards tion these two films in the same para- the end. graph is more of an outrage: firstly messy production In fact, feeling that the story trails because it is not a film that is all about behind Vinterburg’s greater artistic love, suited as it is to the action mys- seem far too ambitious to the impatient. motivation, I just wanted a conclusion. tery genre as much as the romantic. However, accepting that it is a film V day is approaching quickly enough. Thomas Vinterberg’s vision of the enjoying its own technical and imagina- So do we all really need another film not so distant future rotates around tive capabilities, is something you must espousing the truth, beauty and necessi-

competition, duplication, strange .papicselect.com decide and judge for yourself. ty of love? Probably not. It is one defi- weather, death and figure skating. In It has it’s stars. The beautiful stature nitely worth watching, but remember to

real terms being a story of a husband www of Jaquin Phoenix and Clare Danes, leave your romantic expectations at the trying to rescue his wife (a champi- displaying a skill worthy of commen- pick and mix. Big Fish, little fish, cardboard box? Mazin Saleem reckons Burton’s new work is quite a catch big fish in a small pond, and, er, an actu- while at the same time supplying plenty father’s stories, underlies a yearning to those that are transmuted by his exag- Big Fish al big fish. Billy Crudup plays Bloom’s to marvel at and be moved by. form a relationship they’ve never really geration of the truth, into something so Now showing at Warner Village son, Will, who is desperately trying to In the present day, Bloom’s wife had. These scenes are touching, and enchanting that Spielberg would gush. inkle out slivers of truth from his father’s ( Jessica Lange) tenderly holds sway pointedly slow-paced and sober, to high- Tim Burton pulls off an endearingly stories, to find out who he “really is.” while son and father argue and reconcile. light the contrast between mundane strange, and thoughtfully probing piece The film is shot through the honey- Will’s angry desire for an end to his reality, and the scenes from Bloom’s past, of movie magic! im Burton’s latest, Big Fish, suckle lens of nostalgia and fantasy. As a Or perhaps that is all just an exagger- about a man and his tall tales, child, Bloom breaks into the house of a ation. Perhaps Burton’s trademark Tshares with Amelie a take on life creepy witch (Helena Bonham-Carter) quirkiness does not work half as well that in the real world would get most who reveals a certain something that when dealing with the sunny and not into a great deal of trouble. makes him confident that he will go far. the gothic. Perhaps the film slips far too Whereas with the latter, oh-so-mis- easily into schmaltz, largely due to chievous, yet oh-so-helpful meddling A probing piece of Danny Elfman’s annoyingly ‘stirring’ earned Amelie a sort of canonisation, in score and the script that injects surreal- reality would have gone horribly, horri- movie magic ity whenever the pace, as it frequently bly wrong. And in the age of sexy tabloid does, becomes slack. Perhaps a one- stories sensationalised for sales, and After leading a Forrest Gump life of suc- note performance from Crudup scup- sexed up intelligence reports which - of cess, he makes friends with a giant that pers any chance of feeling for the course we believe you! - were not sexed has been troubling his town and leaves father-and-son troubles, despite up, it is interesting to see how a film on an adventure with him. On his trav- Finney’s grandstanding performance. about the value of the exaggerated and els he gets stuck in an eerie town called And perhaps the film has little more to fantasised, as opposed to the boring ol’ Spectre (where the Mayor from Buffy say than pat, Oscar-grasping, Hallmark truth, can carry the relevance it so makes him pie), he stumbles across a greeting card asides about people earnestly hopes for. charmingly kooky circus, befriends inventing themselves, so that they can

Big Fish is a story told from the death Siamese twins, and finds time to fall in .papicselect.com achieve immortality through these sto- bed, by an aging Ed Bloom (Albert love; his life-story is a heady mixture of ries they’re remembered by, making it Finney / Ewan Mcgregor in flashbacks). fairy-tale and 40’s America, and the film www less than the sum of its occasionally The big fish are many: the far-fetched forces the audience to ask deep questions interesting parts. But that’s another tales told by Bloom; Bloom himself, a about the nature of truth and reality, tale. And for some, maybe not as fun. Valentine’s College Film of the Week A True Romance? Peter Matthews enjoys some Östalgie he DDR is an institution that Alexander works with his sister and col- life: Mercedes Benz cars, and billboards. most of us undergrads only league, a budding film maker, he seeks The love that is shown by Alexander Love Actually opens with the asser- can be adapted to fit situations of all Tremember from those images to recreate East Germany as was. He to his mother is incredibly moving and tion that "love actually is all descriptions. Kate Winslet considers of the wall when we were seven. explains away the new Coca Cola and evocative. If you’re a man who loves his around". However, those single- leaping off the back of a boat and Evoking this as part of the "ozzie" Ikea adverts that are appearing over mum (and not in an oedipal way) you tons that, on 14th February, come who should be there to rescue her? trend in Germany, Good bye, Lenin! is Berlin with faked news reports of West can’t help but empathise. Good bye, away empty handed from having Why, Leo, of course. Or perhaps truly touching. Germans flooding to the paradise that Lenin! is a truly beautiful film. surreptitiously and nonchalantly films will attempt to convince you The film centres on the relationship was the DDR. checked their pigeon holes for the that all this time you’ve been search- between Christiane Kerner (Katrin Alexander and his sister move from Good Bye, Lenin! is showing at St. sign of a pink envelope, may be ing for your perfect partner…and Saß) mother of doting Alexander persuading their mother to part with John’s on Thursday 19th Feb. inclined to disagree. look! He/she was there the whole (Daniel Brühl). Alexander has been her life savings because the trabant is Films generally do suggest that time. bought up with Communism in his ready, to rooting round in skips for pick- love is easy to come by. In It doesn’t take much to work out blood, when his father left as a boy, his le jars. With hilarious moments such as movieland, it seems inevitable that whether Harry is going to get Sally mother wedded herself to the Party. As these, touching on the absurdities of should you walk across a park in the in When Harry met Sally, but you the youth of the DDR begin to rebel in East German life, the film can’t help early evening (with fairy lights still want to watch it, just to be sure. 1989 she is struck down by a heart inspire laughter. hanging tastefully off the lampposts, Perhaps its best to not be too cyn- attack. In this way it is a subtle political á la Dawson’s Creek), you will invari- ical, but, if you’re feeling lonely this When she awakes from her coma the satire, poking fun at those symbols of

ably end up walking into the Valentine’s, sit back and let the cin- wall’s fallen and Communism is at an Communism and Capitalism. One of .image.net boy/girl of your dreams. ema reassure you that true love real- end. Doctor’s orders are that she will die the most striking moments in the film is This particular fictional device ly is just around the corner. of a heart attack if she is exposed to a when the statue of Lenin is flown across www sudden shock. And so begins the farce. a city strewn with the signs of capitalist

MUSIC 18 Feb 13, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk Amicably Violent in the UEA Bailey Guillermo Ramos-Tomas on the NME tour rolling into Norwich 1Xtra tour @ Fez

reception. Lately, however, The Von to play the keyboards and bass simulta- Bondies have been through tougher neously. challenges. After a serious run-in with When Welsh headliners Funeral For

omas Jack White and allegations of spoiling A Friend came onto the stage, they were the good vibe amongst Detroit rockers, intent on treating this purely as a cele- Von Bondie frontman Jason Stollsteimer bration of their successful year. The came on to lead his band in playing audience, who at this stage were mosh- some of the most tortured, filthy and ing their souls out in an amicably violent mo Ramos-T emotionally crossed tunes, from blues to whirlpool, were ready to show their garage rock. Set opener Lack of appreciation. FFAF attacked their How did you find the vibe in Fez Guiller Communication has one of the sexiest instruments and delivered a spine-tin- tonight? It was rammed in there. riffs played by one of the sexiest women gling version of She Drove Me to Daytime Everyone’s young and up for it. I’ve been in rock – Marcie Von Bondie, bringing Television, demonstrating the sheer here once before on the Knowledge tour tears of joy to my eyes. might of their live show. at the same venue, but it’s a lot busier The Rapture, with their punk-meets- As the lights came on again and the tonight. The 1Xtra tour is no normal disco fusion of captivating basslines and stage was dismantled, people were tour, no other station has ever done it orgasmic screeches, were personal ravaging the venue for any memora- before. It makes me really proud. favourites. Their live renditions of Sister bilia. Posters were stripped from the How long have you been involved s the much-anticipated NME Rapture and Funeral For A Friend Saviour and House of Jealous Lovers walls and guitar picks searched for with 1Xtra? A friend of mine knew one Awards Tour came to UEA in gracing the stage. brought the house down. In a set full of like gold by fans on their hands and of the executives starting the station; I ANorwich, a night of rock n’ Opening band Franz Ferdinand surprises, saxophonist Gabe performed knees. People were still star-struck met Wilber [Wilberforce, d‘n’b guru, roll worship was the least one could proved a hard act to follow, with their what looked like an African rain-dance, and stupefied. It’ll be a long wait producer of Fabio and Grooverider’s expect, with the likes of Franz unique brand of danceable pop (see top Luke played a guitar solo literally in the until next February, when the NME Radio 1 show] and went down to the Ferdinand, The Von Bondies, The ten hit Take Me Out) getting a great crowd and bass player Mattie managed Awards Tour starts up again. studio to do a pilot show. I was lucky: if I didn’t fit the part they would’ve found someone else. Do you think it’s been a success? My Bloody Valentine Without a doubt. For my Intabeats show to have won the 2003 Knowledge Best D&B Radio Show is amazing. When the station first started, a lot of people Was Yaqoob and Jon Swaine dispense a lesson in love thought it would never work. But after only a year it’s the most successful digital e can’t all be virile chimps in reciprocity beat gushingly amorous odes Ritchie, enough to make a grown man cry Should’ve Come Over, a bottle of JD and a station. We don’t have none of that pop heat, hormones dripping out any day of the week. and then commit homicide. Not content desk to repeatedly bang one’s head on - stuff, it’s real street music. Wof ears, raging in the mouth Think of Valentine’s Day and you can- with increasing incidents of undue public what could be more perfect? The bril- How did you get into drum ‘n’ bass? and foaming in the nether regions. By not but think of mentalist Whitney saliva exchange, this pointless celebration liance of Shiver, surely Coldplay’s finest I started listening to scratching on the that, we mean you can’t always be suc- Houston’s I Will Always Love You. insists upon drawing undue attention to moment, lies precisely in Chris Martin’s radio, and tried to copy the sounds on a cessful with the opposite sex. But don’t Especially that bit in the video where her some of the most atrocious music ever. frustrated resignation to romantic defeat - busted old turntable. I got into hip-hop lament too soon. With this handy guide mouth quivers. Summoning just enough Meanwhile a broken heart, or one something Gwyneth will certainly put an from there, but around ’88 the scene you’ll be reeling them in. This time it strength to escape such psychological tor- never desirable enough to even warrant end to, for the moment at least. If you started going downtempo. So I started might not result in a criminal record. ture is in vain; just around the corner lie breakage, is far more constructive. Jeff wish to entice the desirable into your listening to early house tunes, and then Legions of porters busily reinforce the Chris de Burgh, Celine Dion and Lionel Buckley’s Grace is exemplary; Lover You hovel with the sound of wracking sobs, things led on to hardcore, to jungle, and pigeonholes of Cambridge’s beautiful in put on The Smith’s There Is A Light That ending up with drum ‘n’ bass. anticipation of the inevitable barrage of Never Goes Out and enjoy the comforting How did you get started as a DJ? the 14th. Yet the more facially-challenged sensation of utter despair. But on the I had a mate who was involved with a among us can only hope to avoid having other side of the tear-soaked spectrum, if pirate, Energy FM, and after working the shit kicked out of us by the you feel like tearing out your beating there for a while, and doing parties and boyfriend/fiancée//father/pimp of the girl heart and bludgeoning your ex a couple of raves, got to know Metalheadz. I don’t in whose adorable satchel a home-made times with it, then have a taste of …And do pirates any more. I’m not ashamed, card was ill-advisedly deposited in the You Will Know Us By The Trail of but there’s not much respect for them midst of a love-struck lecture-haze, con- Dead’s Mistakes and Regrets to see how when you start working at a legal station. veying about as much animal magnetism natural selection leads to anger. What’s your view of the Cambridge as a fluffy rabbit saying ‘I wuv you’. Having traversed the wide expanses scene? Well there’s always Warning, But the loved-up can stick their mawk- of the plains of love, our guide has pre- the original rave in the area. And the ishly sentimental Sexmusic into their pared you for a life of perpetual misery students mean there’s always a good lover’s admiring lovehole.The love song is and emotional trauma. Sit back, crack crowd - d‘n’ b trainspotters or not, if a dish best served cold, rotten and gan- open your bottle of White Lightning they weren’t into the music, they grenous; pathos-packed laments of absent and ENJOY! wouldn’t be here. Henry B Black Rebel Motorcycle Club The Corn Exchange, 9th February Reviews lack Rebel Motorcycle club are harmonica. What was this? BRMC cool, there’s no other way to put hadn’t gone all Bob Dylan on us had The Veils – The Runaway Found Bit. The hair, the leather jackets, they? Three acoustic numbers includ- Rough Trade, February 16th the brooding rock star menace.... ing a fantastic version of Love Burns Sam Elliot there are currently few who can do the later, the electrics came out, the first Life is patently not fair. Even in the hallowed quads of Cam, few could boast the whole rock ‘n’ roll thing better. bars of Spread Your Love were blasted privilege young Finn Andrews has. His dad was in XTC, he’s got a record deal with These were the thoughts running over the speakers, the crowd surged Rough Trade and an album produced by Sir Bernard of Butler, no less. His natural through my head in the stunned forward, and the answer was a talents are no less impressive, boasting a rasping Dylan-meets-Waits mountain of a forty-five minute pause following the resounding ‘no’. voice, and tunes coming out of his eyeballs, and on top of all that he and his band have Cooper Temple Clause’s highly enjoy- Putting the rather unconventional made a startlingly fantastic album. This is Brit-rock given an epic twist by Andrew’s able blitz on the eardrums. So imagine opening behind them, they proceeded intoxicating arrangements and tortured delivery. It’s The Finn Andrews Show, but if my surprise when the lights dimmed, to play a blistering hour long set, with he keeps producing the Bunnymen-esque anthems of Guiding Light and ferocious the crowd cheered and a solitary fig- front men Peter Hayes and Robert pop of The Tide That Left… then I wouldn’t have it any other way. ure walked on stage, holding an Turner swapping vocal, guitar and bass acoustic guitar and, what the hell? - a duties with ease. Highlights were the Auf Der Maur – Followed the Waves imperious, sneering rendition of Stop, EMI, February 16th and an appearance of In Like the Rose, Rebecca Kemp a song BRMC have only recently Melissa Auf Der Maur is a musician you only know because of the people begun playing live due to its complex- she knows. As the former bassist with Hole and the Smashing Pumpkins, she ity. They finished with a two-song surely deserves an award for resilience under the reign of egotistical front peo- encore, climaxing with the triumphant ple, and this single is the first chance she has had to create her own musical Whatever happened to my Rock ‘n’ Roll. landscape. The outcome is favourable: falling somewhere between Veruca Awesome. Salt and a less clunky Jack off Jill, it is a steely slice of melodic hard rock, and Ben Doddington her delicate vocals set her apart from other, determinedly angry female-front- ed rock outfits. THEATRE www.varsity.co.uk Feb 13, 2004 19

Farce Superior... Backstage Theatre news Clare Diacono checks out the order of the day COMPETITION! Yes folks, Out of Order in a frenzied tangle of jealous hus- getic, although the pace seemed to run the lovely folk down at the CDC ADC, 10-14 Feb 7.45pm bands, disappearing bodies, half-naked away with the actors at times and par- are offering two readers the

women and an inquisitive hotel man- ticularly Rupert Myers (Richard REDS chance to win a pair of tickets for ager. Willey) – though otherwise faultless their next award-winning show Directed by James Steer, the produc- and engaging - tended to gabble his Faster, a play that takes a wry tion is eminently professional and the lines. Myers’ was supported by Robyn look at our obsession with speed- his risqué, fast-paced produc- Addison as a persuasive dizzy secretary ing up our lives. To enter, tell us tion had me in stitches from in the latest Ann Summers nightwear, in 15 words why you should get Tfirst to last. “a hugely entertaining and by Nick Humfrey, who was won- the tickets, and send your answer Ray Cooney’s political/bedroom derfully geeky as George Pidgen to [email protected] with farce well deserves its Olivier Award, production” despite being a late replacement due to ‘Competition’ as your subject. reworking the tired slapstick comedy injury. into a pertinent modern plot: A usual pitfalls of amateur comedy – Never wish an actor to break a leg! ALL ACTION down at the Conservative M.P – the appropriately- dodgy sets and off timing – have been The cast are all very strong performers ADC where the new 14-strong named Richard Willey - gets caught successfully avoided. The stage design - – with even smaller roles attracting big Committee will be elected on 29th with his pants down in a hotel room a naturalistic box set - and lighting are laughs. This is a hugely entertaining February. Email Kate, with a secretary, whilst an unexpected simple but effective, allowing plenty of production with some wonderful [email protected], for informa- corpse halfway through the window space for vigorous action on stage. The comic touches adding to Cooney’s wit- tion on standing, or visit threatens dire publicity and an angry zappy tempo and visual variety of the tily ironic script. http://electons.cuadc.org. wife. staging created huge tension, which It’s nice to see some good old-fash- CA Calling in his wimpish assistant the performers kept up almost contin- ioned farce on the Cambridge theatre George Pidgen to dispose of the body, ually. scene, particularly of such a good stan- events take a disastrous turn, ending up Performances were slick and ener- dard. Love in a Hot Climate Hit and Miss

My Native Land (Lloyd) should have been the superior the creation of a cell for Noorani (an Miss Julie peasant. Kathryn Hamilton convinces The Playroom, 10-14 Feb, 7pm individual. However, the education, enigmatic Navindu Katugampola) with ADC 11-14 Feb, 11pm as the plodding maid Kristin. Natasha wider horizons and greater individuali- a simple box on the floor. Jayetileke is cleverly cast as Miss Julie. ty of Poppy (Sukanya) gives her the Although worth seeing both for the Especially at the outset she oozes sex upper hand. These two presented acting and the use of sound and light to appeal, and one anticipates a conflagra- My Native Land made a valiant opposite experiences of the time – he is create a vivid atmosphere, the play “Wring the other bird’s neck!” I tion. Yet somehow, it just doesn’t come attempt to deal head on with many of traditional, perpetually confused by the functioned more as a dispassionate silently urge Strindberg’s character together. Very little attention is paid to the issues faced by a post-colonial changing world, and she is a mod- appeal to reason than as a prompt for an Jean, as Miss Julie’s dear little finch dramatic detail, and the natural rhythm world. Although set in Africa, an erniser, perplexed when things refuse to emotional response.This perhaps lies in gets the chop. By the latter part of of the piece just doesn’t come across. awareness of both European and change. the highly stylish but still self-conscious Miss Julie, I’d lost all sympathy with Letting characters turn their backs on Indian events lent more depth and A simple set effectively created the use of flashback. Whilst a bit of dis- this self-obsessed, fickle and thor- the audience may effect estrangement, realism. However, its message was atmosphere of the times in a tricky tance is no bad thing, in spite of pol- oughly unlikeable young woman, who and create interesting profile shots. In more than simply historical, raising space with the help of thoughtful light- ished performances, it does prevent the toys with her father’s valet and, unsur- this production though, the technique wider issues of identity on a personal ing.The use of sepia coloured light gave audience fully engaging with the per- prisingly, gets burnt. is overused and often renders lines level. some scenes the feel of a snapshot into sonal side of the drama, and so impedes Everyone knows the seismic impact inaudible. The reversal of stereotypical roles in the past, the contrasting use of harsher full enjoyment of and interaction with this central piece of naturalistic theatre After a strong start, with a careful eye the well-acted lead duo (Pia Sukanya blue light changing the tone for less the piece. had when it was first staged in 1889. Its for detail, Jayetileke descends into a and Jonny Lloyd) was the key illustra- pleasant scenes. A further exemplary power is still patent. A bit like Sartre’s marsh of wailing and hollow sobbing. tion of this. As white and male Michael creation of atmosphere without set was Amy Blakeway incarcerated threesome in Huis Clos, In the most highly charged and difficult Jean, Katrin and Miss Julie are claustro- scenes she lacks the edge necessary to phobically caged into the latter’s home evoke any real sense of drama. It’s a real on Midsummer Eve, by history, con- pity significant talent and a large Drama Centre gets Great Ideas vention and class. investment of time and energy is not This could have been an excellent translated into riveting theatre. production. The cast is very talented. Ideas Men in Cambridge- an intimate and versatile seems to be a satire on the commerciali- Richard Scott ( Jean) looks every bit the Jean Meiring Drama Centre, 5-6 Feb, 8pm studio space with comfortable tiered sation and industrialisation of creativity seating. yet it is done with all the joy and inge- And the play. Play? Yes that’s exactly nuity that comes with the freedom of what it was, with two wonderfully creating ideas through devised theatre. f you manage to orientate yourself puerile men, who form the acclaimed There’s no plot as such, just a series of around the small back streets company ‘Ridiculusmus’, zooming role plays within role plays ad infinitum Ibehind Mill Road you fortuitously around with infinite energy that with the odd bit of improvised audience CUADC stumble upon the unheard-of-among- smashed out of a fire exit, crashed into abuse. Some left and they were rightly students Cambridge Drama Centre. audience members and trashed set and lambasted. I stayed and was chastised in The pilgrimage is worth it, as is the props in a swivelling office-chair roller a vituperative offstage toilet-stop rant for little pre-show huddle with student wary coaster of an evening. noisily rustling a pack of Jelly Babies, Cam folk in its lobby cum bar that plays Essentially we were given two men in and was also identified as the laughing better music than you find in most clubs an office whose job it is to create ideas. fat bloke. And I was scared and loved it here - Because the doors soon open to Ideas on what, we’re never quite sure but and exchanged many a bemused look one of the most appealing drama venues they’re working to a deadline. The show with fellow nervous audience members. We left when we thought it was over– not sure whether we would sustain ham- mer blows in doing so- with the buzz of adrenalin that you rarely get from the mainly soporific theatre in Cambridge. I’m won over to the Drama Centre after

Ridiculusmus an equally thought-provoking and gen- Theatre Online uinely innovative show last week. I can’t promise that everything will be as good www.varsity.co.uk as the two shows I’ve seen there so far, but anyone who seriously wants to encounter genuinely thought provoking, For theatre previews, full reviews and information on how to write for experimental and innovative drama Varsity Theatre, visit www.varsity.co.uk and follow the links to the theatre should give it a go. I think you’ll be con- section. Alternatively, email the section editors Charlotte and Chris for more verted. info: [email protected].

Robin Sivapalan

THEATRE / CLASSICAL 20 Feb 13, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk I want sex. On the ADC stage. Now. Improv-iced Fun

ritain is a nation of prudes. We Why then, do scenes such as the two I’ve the results can be extraordinary. We Comedy Iceberg well and truly broken by the first interval. know this; we even mock our- described cause so many more red faces should be seeing more of those results on ADC Theatre, 8 Feb, 7.45pm The rest of the evening succeeded in Bselves for it. What we don’t in Britain than in Germany? the British stage. All we need to do is to maintaining a high standard of comedic expect, is for our sheer embarrassment The answer is that our reactions to stop being so bloody embarrassed about spontaneity, largely due to the efforts of about anything sexual to extend into depictions of sex are entirely dependent it all. the whole crew who were clearly used to the realm of theatre. on context. We can deal with it on the Hazel Pearson Improvised Comedy in the ADC bar? working with one another and very Theatre, we proudly tell ourselves stage if we can reassure ourselves that it Naturally I jumped at the opportunity comfortable baring their souls on stage. and anyone who will listen to us in the is not ‘gratuitous’, that the impassioned to see the Comedy Iceberg make it up Featuring epics like the tragically unfor- ADC Bar, is an arena in which any- lovemaking we are witnessing is called as they went along. gettable Walnuts and Peanuts and Honey thing can happen. for by the script. What we can’t deal with So what was it like? Well, it started off I Raise the Dead all those assembled But compare British theatre with that is sex or nudity in ‘inappropriate’ con- cold but that was just the tip of the ice- seemed to find it hilariously funny. on the Continent, and it starts to seem texts: the hallowed (yet often sexually- berg. As Richard Fallon and Alex Steer Clever moments? Yes there were. very tame indeed. Consider how a charged) words of Shakespeare are a got into their strides the onlookers began Spontaneous, yes it was. British audience would react to this: in a prime example of a domain commonly to warm to them and as the scenes Don’t blame carbon dioxide for the serious drama telling the story of a fam- regarded as being too much a part of a blinked by faster and faster the audience disintegrating Antarctic shelf, blame this ily Christmas, the ageing matriarch long-standing English theatrical tradi- got wilder and wilder until they were scorching performance. tion to warrant such new-fangled ideas laughing out of their ears. The ice was Roger Benson Britain is a nation of as portraying sexuality. Worse, our obsession with justifying sex on the stage A Healthy Delivery prudes ignores the fact that the depiction of human sexuality is valid simply because spends the majority of her stage-time humans are sexual beings. One of the Be My Baby cence of the other girls. touching either herself, her maid, or most extraordinary pieces of physical Playroom, 10-14 Feb, 9.30pm Davies manages to delicately recreate both simultaneously. Not even the most theatre I have ever seen was a one- the austere purity of the 1960’s. Plenty of open-minded of Cambridge audiences, woman show featuring the dancer swinging tunes and heart-warming sing- let alone regulars at the National, could Shakti. The show was beautiful, exquis- alongs nostalgically reminds us of one of help but be shocked. And yet, when I itely crafted, and sexually charged. It was Set in a mother and baby home in the greatest decades of the 20th century. saw this very spectacle in Der Fest des dismissed as soft porn by critics who 1960s northern England, this play Nonetheless, the liberal revolution has Lamms at the Kammerspiele Theatre in assumed that the purpose of presenting explores the experience of Mary not yet started and this production does Munich, the middle-aged women who sexuality on the stage must be to titillate Adams – unmarried and seven months not neglect the severity of the time. The comprised a large part of the audience rather than to express something vital pregnant. set is minimal and sterile and serves to didn’t bat an eyelid. This isn’t to say that about being human. The naivety of Mary and the other remind us that this is not a holiday camp British theatre fully neglects to depict This is the real tragedy of British unmarried mothers and the contrasting despite the music and the girls’ youthful sexuality on the stage: I’ll never forget embarrassment about sex in theatre: it is severity of the matron are teased out effervescence. watching a recording of Trevor Nunn’s not simply that we show ourselves up as brilliantly by Madeleine Davies’ direc- The show is technically polished production of Macbeth at school; the prudes. It is that in doing so, we deny tion. Amy Noble is an engaging and and our toes are kept tapping through- class erupted into laughter when, during ourselves the opportunity to say some- willful Mary, subtly portraying a tender out to 60s hits. Before we realise, the Lady Macbeth’s ‘Unsex me here’ speech, thing important about ourselves on the vulnerability. She is supported by a 80 minutes are up and we are left our embarrassed teacher remarked of stage. There is nothing inherently good strong cast, without exception. Of par- humming to ourselves as we reflect on Judi Dench, ‘she sounds like she’s having or bad about portraying sex on the stage ticular note is Kate Baxter’s Queenie, a the warmth, wit and sensitivity of a an orgasm.’ That’s exactly what it did – in the case of Der Fest des Lamms,it Sir John...he’d turn in his grave! worldly-wise northern lass who provides touching production. sound like, and that sound captured the added very little, simply because it was- Image by Nick Hayes a harsh and witty contrast to the inno- Jennie Mcguire essence of Shakespeare’s words perfectly. n’t very well done. But when it works,

BE PART OF IT Come and join the team at the Varsity Social

Tuesday February 17th

Coco Nightclub from 7 O’Clock. Free entry into Licked afterwards

For more information contact [email protected] VISUAL ARTS/ CLASSICAL www.varsity.co.uk Jan XX, 2004 21 The Art Of Love Artist in Is Great Art is like a Great Lover ? Residence ment, he showed her such a good time that even the Wife of Bath would have been impressed. If she needed calming down, he behaved as decorously as a Alistair Gee speaks to nun. From this I argued that just as Casanova was a different lover for every woman lucky enough to fall into his Christ’s Anton Burdakov path, great works of Art are experienced differently by different people. For nton Burdakov is going to and which he says he "just had to try, example, to some viewers the Mona Lisa seduce you. I don’t think he’ll even if it is kind of cheesy." He gets it appears to be gazing alluringly at them, Amean to, but still, he will softly, just right though, without any of whereas to others she seems embarrassed ever so tip-toe-ingly,seduce you. He’ll Turner’s smoggy melodrama. by their stares. I argued that the reason make you grin, but only to yourself. My favourites are Burdakov’s por- for these differences of interpretation He’ll chuckle at the floor and tell you traits, and he agrees with my choices. might be explained by viewers’ different his favourite colour is "maybe black", There’s the unobtrusively satanic figure needs. Viewers see the Mona Lisa as and later that "actually I wouldn’t be used for the exhibit’s flier, who Anton they want, and need to see her. Thus, I devastated if for the rest of my life I says is not based on himself too much, concluded that a great work of Art is like only had 5 colours", and you’re swept and his pack of variously enraptured a great lover because it provides viewers away in a surge of acrylics and artistic and delightfully glowering farmers. His with what they need. sincerity. cartoon birds are a giggle –and involved The new exhibition at the more of a conscious effort than he hall I compare thee to a summer’s sketch in place she knew she would he problem is", he said, "you’ve Michaelhouse Centre is Burdakov’s makes appear: "I was trying to invent a day?" he asked me. "No thanks", I never forget him; it was the perfect sub- concluded that great Art is like a second, and I ask him if he finds the bird. I’ve got twenty pages of birds." He Sreplied, "But you could compare stitute for love. Tgreat lover because it provides process of creating a public display showed me, and he really does. At his me to a good painting". "Why?" he With this story of the origins of viewers with what they need. Well, does- challenging. "No," he decides, "but it very best Burdakov is glorious, conjur- asked. "Well," I said, "I’ve got an idea painting, originally told by Pliny the n’t ‘Brit Art’ do just the opposite? definitely stretches me. Worse is having ing humour and pathos, making me that great Art is like a great lover". "Oh Elder, I figured I had proved my point. Doesn’t it show viewers what they need? to write about myself for the visitors. laugh and feel an inward tug at the yes?" he retorted, "and what is great Art "Ah!" he exclaimed, "But you’ve only Doesn’t Tracy Emin’s tent, in reflecting With a critic you can say "oh, he’s talk- same time. anyway?" Realizing I was in something drawn a comparison between a work of the society we live in: sad, rather lonely, ing rubbish", but with this" – he stops, I leave him trying to decide on names of a philosophical conundrum I took a Art and a lover, not between great Art show viewers that their needs can only and laughs – "I’m just dreadful at writ- for his mostly untitled paintings. Keep coffee break in order to think up some and a great lover. The girl who carried be fulfilled elsewhere?" He continued, ing." it simple, we decide, none of that Dalí convincing arguments . charcoal around might have been a terri- stubbing my idea out like a cigarette, By all admissions Burdakov is cur- mini-essay business. When I first met Returning, I presented him with a ble Artist, and what’s more, her man "So, you’ve got to make a decision now: rently going through an experimental him in November, Burdakov said he story. It was about a young woman on might have been an equally appalling do you want to admit your argument is phase – he’s searching for his creative might give up painting to focus on his the brink of a long-distance relationship. lover!" I took another coffee break. wrong, and that great Art really isn’t like feet, a process that’s reflected in the drawing for the next few years. Saying goodbye to her lover, wondering Returning, I presented him with a fact a great lover at all? show. There are works that he agrees Romantic asceticism aside, I think how she would remember him, she about the worlds greatest lover. I took another coffee break. I think it are clearly influenced by Picasso, and we’re both glad he didn’t. noticed his shadow cast upon the wall. Casanova, I explained, was renowned for would have been easier to let him com- others in which he is "trying certain lit- In a flash of inspiration, she whipped out being a great lover because he provided pare me to a summer’s day. tle painterly tricks." There’s one that’s Anton Burdakov will be exhibiting ‘Paintings’ a piece of charcoal from one of her pock- each of his chosen subjects with what very reminiscent of a misty Turner, at the Michaelhouse Centre, 16th-28th ets and drew round its outline. With this they needed. If a woman needed excite- Hope Woolf whom we both agree we can’t stand, February, 9.30am-5pm. Intelligent Masters

Reviews Endellion Quartet Endellion Quartet’s reputation that West Road, 11 February most seats were sold weeks ago. The six- The Gentlemen of St John’s – Gently does it... concert series includes some of the great TGOSJ James Crawford works of the repertoire, ranging from These guys have a hell of a reputation in these parts. In a good way, of course. Haydn, the ‘father’ of the string quartet, So their fifth commercial album release,Gently does it… has an awful lot to live up Having spent 6 years studying to the atonal writing of Webern. And to. Especially for somebody like myself who, despite being unhealthily obsessed Philosophy at Trinity, the Endellion yet, whilst I suspect that most people with a cappella music, has never actually heard them before. And while some Quartet’s cellist, David Waterman, would welcome this breadth of the moments such as the indescribably beautiful And so it goes and the haunting Even such is time are very impressive, other moments can sound a tad strained and even may well be familiar with Aristotle’s Endellion’s interests, the woman sat next shouted, like the introduction to Mister Sandman. Living up to the CD’s title, the argument that virtue should be meas- to me seemed wholly unconvinced by Gents only delve into anything remotely lively on a handful of occasions, with ured relative to a thing’s telos; it’s Webern’s Five Movements for String varying degrees of success. When I’m sixty-four has the odd balance problem, ultimate end. The Endellion's per- Quartet which began the second half, whereas Seaside Rendezvous is absolutely marvellous, and one of the few tracks formance of Beethoven's Opus. 95 groaning and rustling her programme where they sound like they’re really enjoying themselves – something lacking in quartet certainly suggested such a throughout. I was more enthusiastic general. I do question the Gents’ self-proclaimed “ability seamlessly to cope with familiarity, as each phrase resounded however, as the musicians explored the an enormous repertoire,” but when they’re good, they’re very, very good. with purpose, seemingly the product extent of their instruments’ capacities, of careful consideration. producing a range of sounds quite unlike This was the fourth in a series of six anything we’d heard in the first half. Malena Ernman – My Love West Road concerts being given by the Leaving atonality and harmonics BIS Owain Browne university's quartet-in-residence. For behind, the Endellion Quartet once I can't help but wonder what Ernman's "love" is: music perhaps, but probably not the me, the Beethoven was undoubtedly the again displayed its great capacity for arias from this eclectic collection of songs, or else she would not have ripped them so highlight of the evening. In addition to refined string playing, as the evening was cruelly from their operatic context and stuck them over a classical guitar. However, I its sense of purpose and its sculpted ended with Mozart’s quartet in D, feel I should point out that Ernman has a remarkable range of tone qualities. She can phrasing, the opening Allegro in partic- K.575. This was enjoyable enough, and switch from pure top notes, to gloriously deep notes that many true altos would die for. Perhaps it is this versatility on which the release hopes to capitalise.Times are hard ular had a richness of tone that was Andrew Watkinson’s tone on First for the fan of Classical Music. An attempt to buy a compact disc from a classical music absent from the preceding piece, Violin really began to sing. Some pas- section generally means digging through endless copies of Classical Chillout 7, and the Haydn's quartet Opus.76 number 5. sages in the two central movements did masturbatory improvisations of Ludovico Einaudi. Yes. I'm a music snob. In fairness, This first movement of the Beethoven is feel a little pedestrian though. I’ve cer- I've spent two years learning to be one so it's hardly suprising that I didn't much like potentially so powerful in its anger as to tainly heard the Endellion with greater this CD. That said, Ernman's quality as a mezzo-soprano is not in doubt here, and be frightening when played aggressively, energy. But these criticisms are churlish, despite my prejudice, I have to admit that listening to the CD is not an un- and the adoption of a harsh tone may as this was unquestionably fine playing, pleasurable experience. even be desirable. And yet, whatever was whilst the vitality of the Haydn quartet’s lacking in violence was made up for by Finale compensated for these few lack- Soweto Kinch – Conversations with the Unseen the intelligence of the Quartet’s phras- lustre sections. And yet it was only in the Dune Jon Opstad ing, and this continued throughout the performance of the Beethoven that I Integrating jazz with rap is no new thing, though Soweto Kinch succeeds more 2nd and 3rd movements. It was here that truly felt that we were hearing the than most, and his rapping has more integrity than many other artists’ attempts. the Endellion was at its most organic, Endellion Quartet at its best. It was then Overall, the concept will probably attract as many listeners as it alienates. Kinch’s demonstrating a unity and expressive- that their energy, expressiveness, and multiple-award-winning alto saxophone playing on the other hand is deep in the ness that are the goals of every ensemble unity of purpose were most in evidence, bop tradition, and with strong support from his guitar-based rhythm section this leads to some hard-edged music. A few more memorable compositions would and which usually require many years and it’s perhaps these qualities that justi- elevate the album though and overall it doesn’t quite live up to the hype (such as playing together to achieve. fy their reputation as one of Britain’s the front cover’s claim by one journalist that it is the best British jazz album ever It was a shame there weren’t more stu- leading string quartets. recorded!). dents in attendance, but such is the Jonathan Gross COLLEGE SPORT 22 Feb 13, 2004 www.varsity.co.uk John’s win rugby title Hills Road Mowed Gavin Versi The goal summarised the directness of the young forward: he raced onto a flick- on by Turner, demonstrating so much The Girton bandwagon rolled into pace that his marker appeared to be Hills Road last week, and was extreme- moving backwards in the race to the ball. ly fortunate to have booked a place in Girton’s finest then lashed an unstop- the semi-finals of Cuppers. pable drive into the top corner. On a pudding of a playing surface, Speaking of hair, Mugan complained Bob Griffiths – the captain who never that he had suffered “racist abuse” plays - watched a thrilling, undulating throughout the match due to his ginger match: twice his side were ahead only to mane. However, he used it to great effect be pegged back, and that they held on ten minutes from time, rising well to nod for the win proved to be a huge relief. home the winner, after the youngsters “We took our chances. That was the had again levelled through a twenty- key to the game,” said Griffiths. “The yard drive past Jones’ despairing dive. defence was organised enough but the Hills Road exerted not inconsiderable midfield wasn’t providing enough cover.” pressure on the rusty green defence Despite this, Girton took an early lead throughout, causing anxiety amongst through Joel Turner’s deflected shot; this many Girtonians, not least Jones. He, after the school kids spurned two glori- who often assumes the role of leader at ous chances in the opening ten minutes. half time, giving impromptu team talks They were level soon after, however, as in dulcet tones that evoke the manner of Girton’s midfield general Greg Smyth a reverend standing at his lectern. y was only able to get minor contact on The kids hit the upright with just two the ball when attempting to head clear, minutes remaining, before their invasive which allowed it to be struck past Rob keeper went close with a firm effort that Jones from long range. proved to be the last kick of the game.

Jamie Gundr Girton were back in front on the half “We will reach Cuppers final, I am cer- Jesus’ efforts in beating Downing proved to be in vain hour thanks to wonder boy Alex Mugan. tain of that,” boasted Griffiths.

heels of the defending champions actual black eye, kept Jesus in touch all season. The Jesuans were anxious with some penalties. But a neatly College Rugby for revenge following the reverse fix- worked try by Tomo Dye put John’s Defiant Jesus catch ture at John’s, where they had been clear at half time. Sam Richardson hit by injuries and some atrocious Jesus fought back strongly, spend- refereeing. Coming off the back of ing much of the second half in the Catz out late on an important win against Downing John’s half. However, against a mean St. John’s secured the Division 1 (see picture) Jesus knew that a win defence, a try by Jamie Franklin was y rugby title just as Varsity was going against John’s would put the league all they had to show for their efforts. to press. A 21-13 win over arch- back within their grasp. Brian Fitzherbert’s men can hold rivals Jesus was enough to secure Several hundred fans turned up for their heads high after a fine season d Lower the title for Adam Brown’s men. what proved to be an enthralling in which they found the consistency Brown, nursing the knocks expect- encounter. Jesus, anxious to take the they had lacked the previous year. Richar ed of a captain who leads by exam- initiative, piled on some early pres- But St. John’s are worthy champi- ple, spoke to Varsity after the game. sure, but lax concentration allowed ons. Their defence was rarely put He commented, “I’m tremendously Jono Murray to score two terrific under pressure, while a points differ- happy to have won the title. I think breakaway tries. His side looked to ence of over two hundred emphasis- we fully deserved it, although con- emulate his feat by pulling away, but es their constant threat. Asked if he gratulations must go to Jesus for Jesus kept them under pressure. could single anyone out for credit, playing their part.” Dave Ingall, who picked up the nick- Brown said “It’s been a fantastic It was indeed Brian Fitzherbert’s name ‘dead-eye’ for his accurate team effort, and it has been all sea- Jesus side which was biting at the kicking shortly before receiving an son. Bring on Cuppers”. Indeed.

Swain’s inch-perfect cross with a College Football thumping header. Sam Richardson Jesus, despite this being their third game in four days, came on even more strongly. The addition of Stephen Pike Jesus put a severe dent in the title and Sam Vardy helped reinvigorate ambitions of table-topping Catz. Jon Young’s men, but Catz should Yesterday’s thrilling, and controvers- have wrapped the match up. Young tial, 2-2 draw looks like opening up took out Everson in the box so late the league for John’s or Girton. that the referee missed it, just after Catz, under the inspirational leader- Sam Richardson had pulled off a vital ship of Dave Mills, had won all of save one-on-one. their previous six league games. And Then, as the clock ticked down, Alex although Jesus started strongly, it was Fergusson hoisted the ball into the box. Catz who took the lead after twenty- The Catz keeper flapped. The defence five minutes. Pete Galek, rumoured stood motionless. And Sam Vardy bun- (wrongly we think) to be a member of dled the ball in in what appeared to be staff who actually plays for Histon, cut agonisingly slow motion.The final whis- inside the defence before scoring a tle blew a minute later. crashing drive into the top corner. Jesus had booked their place in the Catz went two-nil up against the Cuppers semi-final two days earlier. A run of play. Mills was fouled in the John Russell half-volley and a Will box, and Lee Everson clinically con- Stephenson corner were enough to

CUAC verted the resulting spot-kick. This overcome Emma (see photo). The same College Cuppers Karting Carnage:This week’s competition, at Whilton Hall, was won by was hard on Jesus, who halved the two players were on the scoresheet Queens’,with Wolfson second and Churchill first. deficit with twenty minutes left when Downing were plunged into when Vesa Kangaslahti met Tim trouble by a 2-1 defeat on Saturday.

Men’s Football - Div 1 Men’s Football - Div 2 Men’s Football - Div 3 Men’s Football - Div 4 Men’s Hockey - Div 1 Men’s Hockey - Div 2 P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts St Catz 7 6 1 0 18 6 16 Churchill 5 4 1 0 11 5 14 Christ’s 6 5 0 1 24 10 15 APU II 7 6 1 0 30 9 19 Magdalene 7 7 0 0 32 2 14 Clare 6 5 1 0 19 4 11 St John’s 5 4 0 1 18 4 12 Robinson 6 4 1 1 15 13 13 Sidney 4 3 1 0 18 5 10 Emma II 5 4 0 1 13 8 12 Jesus 7 6 0 1 39 6 12 Christ’s 5 4 0 1 34 5 8 Jesus 5 3 1 1 6 7 10 Emmanuel 5 3 1 1 18 4 10 APU 5 3 0 2 14 8 9 Long Rd III 6 4 0 2 23 20 12 Caius 7 5 1 1 17 12 11 Trinity 5 3 2 0 23 1 8 Girton 4 3 0 1 13 3 9 Caius 5 3 1 1 12 10 10 Trinity Hall 4 3 0 1 17 8 8 Corpus 7 3 1 3 26 15 10 Catz 9 5 0 4 21 17 10 Corpus 7 3 1 3 10 16 7 Fitzwilliam 5 2 1 2 4 7 7 Homerton 5 3 0 2 8 8 9 Hills Road 3 3 0 0 13 4 8 Jesus II 5 2 1 2 17 8 7 St John’s 4 3 1 0 17 8 7 Selwyn 5 3 0 2 14 9 6 Darwin 5 2 1 2 5 10 7 St John’s II 6 2 1 3 12 9 7 Clare 5 2 0 3 8 12 6 Caius II 4 2 1 1 8 6 7 Cam City 7 3 1 3 20 17 7 Tit Hal 6132685 Downing 5 1 0 3 13 7 3 Queens 5 1 1 3 7 12 4 Girton II 6 2 0 4 13 24 6 Trinity II 5 1 1 3 7 14 4 Robinson 6 3 0 3 33 25 6 Jesus II 7 1 2 4 10 27 4 Pembroke 6 0 1 4 1 24 1 Selwyn 3102573 CCSS 6 1 0 5 11 23 3 St Catz II 5 1 1 3 4 14 4 Emma 7 2 2 3 13 22 6 Girton 5203773 Trinity 4004290 Fitz II 5 1 0 4 8 14 3 Long Road II 4 1 0 3 7 15 2 Churchill II 5 1 0 4 9 18 3 Sidney 6 2 1 3 7 14 5 Fitz 4112373 Long Road 1 0 0 1 1 2 -2 Kings 5 0 0 5 2 16 0 Magdalene 5 0 1 4 5 21 1 Queens II 5 0 0 5 5 30 -1 Queens 8 1 0 7 3 30 2 Churchill 8 2 0 6 10 35 3 Pembroke 7 0 0 7 2 24 0 Peterhouse 4 1 0 3 5 22 1 Downing 5 0 0 5 5 32 0 SPORT www.varsity.co.uk Feb 13, 2004 23 Is it all plain sailing? Sport in Brief moored to a buoy for the night, finally getting to sleep at 3.30am. Lacrosse Due to the tides we slept in until The Cambridge Lacrosse boys kept their unbeaten status in 2004 8.30am and after a breakfast of by recording a one-sided 18-1 victory against Portsmouth University chocolate spread sandwiches (which at home on Saturday. This followed their 14-4 victory against I was to see in a rather different form Walcountian Blues two weeks previously. later in the day) we headed out with After dominating from the start, Cambridge’s ‘faceman’, Will the intention of circumnavigating Hoult, won the majority of the restarts, giving Cambridge the chance the Isle of Wight. Not quite the to score repetitively - the fastest was timed at six seconds after restart. Vendée Globe, but it would do for Cambridge’s two free-scoring attackers, Nic Gonzalez and Dr. Raj E. now. The first few hours were unbe- Rout, amassed a joint tally of 10, while there was excellent play in lievably beautiful and exciting. A midfield, in particular from man of the match Meng Wang’s work on bright blue sky, favourable tides and the groundballs. force 6-7 winds allowed us a decent Both the Women’s Blues and the Kingfishers remain on track for sail past the eastern-most tip. their varsity matches on the 6th March. The Blues convincingly As we turned to the west, heading beat Bristol 1sts in their BUSA match last week. They made the up-wind and towards St. Catherine’s most of opportunities created by the attacks who, working together Point, the weather quickly worsened as a unit, retained possession for most of the match. On the few to a good force 7-8 with rain and turnovers Cambridge fought back in midfield, with Phil Geering and hail, the white-crested waves sending Amy Harris battling for the ball at the halfway point. The d torrents of water flooding over the Kingfishers also convincingly beat Nottingham 2nds in a 14-3 victo- fore-deck and up into the cockpit. ry. Both teams will go into the clash against Oxford with confidence The salty spray seemed to worm its from these successes. way into every inch of clothing, until we’d all had a good, exhilarating, but Sophie Pickfor rather cold, soaking. My biggest Lightweight Rowing achievement was making it to the Sophie Pickford on a sport where toilet without breaking a limb, and Boats from CULRC were in action at two events last Saturday. An my lowest point was spent dangling eight racing as Granta BC put in a solid performance at my head over the side bringing up Peterborough’s Head of the Nene. Their first competition for the England still rules the waves breakfast. I wouldn’t have missed a club saw them edged into third in S3 VIIIs by Abingdon schoolboys It was with some excitement and that,if we were all happy, we’d sail to moment of it for the world. and a crew from First and Third in the strong headwind. They fin- trepidation that the six crewmem- Chichester that evening. With seven We spent Saturday night in ished 8th, and will look to build on this performance next Sunday at bers for last weekend’s Cambridge layers of clothing and some attrac- Yarmouth with hot showers, courtesy Bedford Head when they will be joined by the rest of the squad. University Yachting trip met for the tive luminous-yellow waterproofs of the local Yacht club, dinner at a In Boston, meanwhile, the third round of GB long distance trials first time on Friday afternoon to on, it was time for the roller-coaster chippy, and beers by a roaring log fire were hit by blustery conditions. Although the heavyweight division brave both the M25 at rush hour, ride down the Solent. Running in the King’s Head - pure paradise. On (stacked with Cambridge rowers past and present) was shortened to and Gale force 7-8 winds in the down-wind and gybing all the way, Sunday the wind had died down a lit- half distance, the lightweights sped down the full 5km course aided Solent. we had some monster waves to con- tle, so we sailed back to Southampton by a strong following wind. Former CULRC oarsmen, Nick English For a while it was unclear which tend with, as well as fearsome gusts in gentler conditions, practising man- and Rod Chisholm set the fastest times of the day in the pairs and would prove worse, but once we had that sent the 38-foot boat careering overboard drills and sail changing / sculls respectively. Amongst the U23 scullers the current President, successfully navigated our way down this way and that. reefing on the way. Although a little Doug Perrin (Trinity Hall), strengthened his claim for selection for to Ocean Village in Southampton, Having tried the brute-force bruised and battered I feel like I’ve had the U23 World Championships with an impressive 5th place finish, and piled all our kit on board, it was helming method to fight the gale, a two-week holiday away from while Alex Summers (Trinity) followed him home in 9th. becoming clear that the stormy Chris suggested I adopt a more sub- Cambridge, and have already signed weather outside was going to make it tle approach, and after getting the up for more. If you’re interested have a a very interesting weekend indeed. ‘feel’ of it, things became (a little) look at the Yachting website, Undeterred by the violently lurch- easier. After a few hours on the www.cuy.org.uk. Beginners / seasoned University Horse-Riding ing boat and whistling wind (we helm, which incidentally is great professionals are welcome, and there’s On Sunday 8th February the university Riding Team held their were still tied up at this point), our work for your upper arm muscles, we a comprehensive training programme home match in Yelling. It was their second match in the BUSA skipper Chris went through the safe- aborted our Chichester plan and for those who want to learn. Gale- league, and so involved teams from Brunel, UCL and Imperial ty brief with us and announced headed for Portsmouth where we force winds not guaranteed! College. The competition consisted of dressage and show-jumping, on horses provided by the host University. The day was a success for the home side, with the team winning the match, and Cambridge riders taking the top 3 individual places: 1st was team captain Natalie I have always loved football and McGoldrick, with Amy Harris in 2nd and Emily Mitchell 3rd. The never more so than during my time team currently lies first in their league, with 2 matches left to play. at Cambridge. At present, though, Mickey there are a number of problems with college football. Firstly, one has to ask how a First Villa Caption Competition Division college can struggle to play nine matches in two terms, as they WHAT IS WRONG WITH have done for the past few years. For COLLEGE FOOTBALL? teams to have only played four or

five matches at this stage of the sea- will naturally always try to have their to be tightened up. It must be made Andy Sims son is scandalous, especially given star names turning out, and they will patently clear that if you don’t play a the level of passion for football in put off matches till the last minute to scheduled match on the given day, the University. There’s a kind of try and get this. We need a return to then a walkover is awarded, unless shadow boxing that goes on: colleges the previous system. the weather has played a part. The like to pick and choose whom they On top of this I propose that the rugby and hockey leagues have clear- play, and at what times. If certain First Division should be reduced to ly defined, rigid fixtures lists, and players are injured, or away for the eight teams. These eight teams they seem to get a lot more games weekend, they dodge fixtures. would then play each other home played than we do in college foot- and away on ball. dates specified Finally, I think it would help us if at the start of we took advantage of the good cli- Time to spice up the season. mate at the start of Michelmas term. Matches like Games should start within a week of John’s versus the return to Cambridge. Girton, and Of course, sceptics will argue that College football Fitzwilliam if we’re struggling to play nine games against Catz, a season how on earth are we going Consequently you can go through are great games, and we’d love to see to play fourteen? The four measures periods of three or four weeks when them twice a season, not just once in I have outlined; no Blues or Falcons, you don’t play a game. a blue moon. It is clear Long Road the exclusion of Long Road, a An unofficial rule that dictated could not be part of this new system. stricter walkover system, and more that Falcons and Blues were not They have played one league fixture games in October, would, I believe, allowed to play in the league was this season, and they’ve been treating make this possible and give the abandoned in 2000. This was a retro- the league with disrespect for years. league a much needed boost. Send your captions to [email protected]. The best caption wil be printed in grade step because college captains The walkover’s system would need comments to [email protected] next week’s issue. The winner receives a free copy ofTCS.

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SPORT 13.02.04 www.varsity.co.uk CAMBRIDGE BREAK BLUEHARTS Blues Hockey Andy Sims BLUES 9 BLUEHARTS 2

Rajan Lakhani

The statistics prior to the match meant this was supposed to be a close contest, but Cambridge ran out easy winners. The Blueharts were on a run of eight unbeaten matches, and the Cambridge team was wary of their potential danger. Indeed, the first few minutes were dominated by the oppo- sition and Ashley Artaman was forced to pull off a fine save to deny the Blueharts from a short-corner. The Blues seemed disorganised with two players sometimes going for the same ball, leaving gaps the Blueharts exploited. The composure and control that had marked Cambridge’s hockey this season soon returned to the fore following the introduction of captain Mikey Williamson into the match after 11 minutes. Consequently, the Blues regained control of the midfield and the match opened up a lot more, with clear opportunities made at both ends in what was an action packed 25 minutes. Jamie Parker sent a warning signal to Five-star Cambridge striker Jamie Parker fires a further effort at the Blueharts goal the opposition with a shot that just missed the goal, while the Blueharts smashing the ball into the roof of the much disappointed with the fact they tearing their defence to shreds. The all- the ball home. It was getting too easy for pulled off a fine sweeping move, but the net. The Blueharts were now in serious lost the goals but more the way they important fifth goal arrived early in the the Blues, who were creating clear-cut shot was struck wide. trouble and their predicament was conceded them. Both goals were scrap- 2nd half as Pitchett scored his second chances at will, and the opposition The Cambridge players soon began worsened by a terrific third goal. py and from short corners which might, thanks to some fantastic work from defence sat deeper and deeper to pre- to impose themselves on the match and Williamson kept control of possession, on another day, have been prevented. Richard Little. vent further goals. it was no surprise when the goal arrived and crossed the ball from a tight angle As the half-time whistle blew, the The Blueharts defence was exhausted This was to no avail as Cambridge in the 17th minute. Although the keep- to allow Aled Pitchett to bundle the ball Blueharts were far happier with the as the likes of Parker and Fulford ter- added two further goals, and even had er superbly saved Parker’s initial effort, into the back of net. score-line, and Cambridge knew they rorised the defence at every opportunity the luxury of missing a penalty flick the Cambridge striker was not to be The opposition began to argue could not allow such lapses in concen- with their pace and control. The because Fulford rattled the crossbar. denied a second time as the resulting amongst themselves while Cambridge tration in the second half. Blueharts’ keeper had done well to pre- Both goals were the result of brilliant short-corner was dispatched in typical allowed their hockey to do the talking. Indeed, the next goal was vital as vent Parker from adding to his tally on work between the two forwards because Cambridge fashion. Therefore, it was no surprise when the another goal from the Blueharts would two occasions, but it was a case of third Parker met Fulford’s crosses on both The Blueharts nearly got an equaliser Blues added a fourth as Parker finished leave them only one behind, while a time unlucky for the keeper as the occasions to finish. Time prevented from a short-corner, but the ever-reli- superbly into the right-hand corner. By fifth for Cambridge would all but end Cambridge no.9 rounded him in style. Cambridge from getting the perfect ten, able Artaman stood firm. It was an this point it should have been match the game. Missing their coach, the Things would not get much better for but they will be delighted with yet important save because the Blues pro- over, but Parker’s goal would not end Blues were forced to work out their own the keeper, who made a huge mistake to another superb performance and one ceeded to the other end and won a the scoring in the first half. Two late game-plan and put it to brilliant effect. gift Cambridge a seventh. The ball was which was against a side that was fourth penalty flick after the ball was illegally goals from the Blueharts halved their The second half was almost all in the kicked by the goalie straight to Rob in the league. The promotion challenge cleared. Fulford made no mistake, four-goal deficit. The team was not so Blueharts’ half, with Cambridge simply Lancastle, who took advantage to slot continues apace. Electrifying Blues win but Hughes blows Fuse today,” said Fairbairn of the Johnian. a constant nuisance with his storm- second period had team-mates roar- Earlier in the week, in a damning For the seventy minutes he was on ing sprints, whilst John Darby mar- ing their approval. appraisal of the set-up at CUFC, the Blues football the field the blonde forward exuded shalled a solid back line that never The team’s polished performance, artist formerly known as Harry had BLUES 4 class and assurance, his pace allowing looked threatened. “Overall it was an however, was overshadowed some- bemoaned, “there’s not enough love in him to get behind the visitors’ excellent performance, definitely our what by Hughes’ sending-off for the team.” NORTHAMPTON 0 defence with consummate ease. His best BUSA league display,” enthused foul and abusive language late on. His captain vehemently refuted calm finish in the tenth minute, from the captain. Hughes, a victim of his own impu- this claim: “For him to say that is Gavin Versi Luke McNally’s brilliant through- This season’s best performance was dence, was surprisingly named only absolutely ridiculous, I’ve never ball, came only four minutes after mirrored in the individual play of as a substitute. After making a win- played in a Blues team with such a Fairbairn had converted a penalty fresher Alex Mugan. The Girtonian ning start to the season, Fairbairn great spirit,” said Fairbairn. “We’re “We’ll keep this in our heads and with similar serenity. has been showing so many college had boldly outlined his intention all good friends and play for each stuff them at ours,” promised captain If such composure had been afford- defenders a clean pair of heels, one “not just to win the league, but to other. There’s definitely enough love, Chris Fairbairn after his side had ed to a glut of subsequent chances, the could be forgiven for thinking he has win it in style.” Clearly, Rebos just maybe not towards Harry.” The failed to break down a mediocre score line might have reached double a sponsor’s name emblazoned on his Hughes shares his captain’s ideolo- Queens’ man has sworn never to play Northampton last November. Sure figures, as the Blues poured forward soles. Former Falcons captain Alan gy. That he exhibits skills his peers for the University again. If that enough, Cambridge produced a per- amid bewitching changes of pace and Spanos was so humiliated by the surely dream about is a possible proves to be the case, he will be formance packed with attacking approach. Fairbairn was particularly Ryan Giggs of Huntingdon Road source of alienation. Indeed, missed. effrontery that was soured only by the profligate, but he grabbed a second recently that he took to cynically Fairbairn happily admits he is dismissal of would-be star man shortly before half time, and then felling the rampant redhead. Mugan “without doubt the most naturally Blues: Garrood 8; McNally 8, Harry Hughes. forced an own-goal early into the sec- must be given at least one chance to gifted player in the University.” Darby, 8, Turnbull 7, Mugan 8 ( J Mike Adams was Northampton’s ond period. show what damage he can do on the But at the same time, Fairbairn Hughes 6); T Hall 8, Harding 7 tormentor-in-chief. “He’s worked so Tim Hall, Adams’ fellow member left wing in this Blues outfit: his for- appeared tired of playing Jerry (Chalmers 7), Devine 7, A Hall, 7; hard this season and he was fantastic- of the self-styled “John’s clique”, was aging runs in an advanced role in the Maguire to Hughes’ Rod Tidwell. Fairbairn 8, Adams 9 (H Hughes 5)

The Cambridge University Check out the student Fashion Show Launch Party models and vote Thursday 19th February. for your favourites on The River Bar from 7pm www.cambridgefashionshow.com