CREATED BY Nick Kroll | Andrew Goldberg | Mark Levin | Jennifer Flackett
EPISODE 2.03
“The Shame Wizard”
As Nick tries to figure out whether he has a shot with Gina, a mortifying encounter with Leah sends Andrew into a spiral of shame.
WRITTEN BY: Victor Quinaz
DIRECTED BY: Joel Moser
ORIGINAL BROADCAST: October 5, 2018
NOTE: This is a transcription of the spoken dialogue and audio, with time-code reference, provided without cost by 8FLiX.com for your entertainment, convenience, and study. This version may not be exactly as written in the original script; however, the intellectual property is still reserved by the original source and may be subject to copyright.
MAIN EPISODE CAST
Nick Kroll ... Nick Birch / Maury the Hormone Monster / Coach Steve Steve / Rick the Hormone Monster / Pubes (voice)
John Mulaney ... Andrew Glouberman / Detective Florez (voice)
Jessi Klein ... Jessi Glaser (voice) Jason Mantzoukas ... Jay Bilzerian (voice) Jenny Slate ... Missy Foreman-Greenwald (voice) Fred Armisen ... Elliot Birch / Bob the Hormone Monster (voice)
Maya Rudolph ... Diane Birch / Connie the Hormone Monstress / Principal Barren (voice)
Jordan Peele ... Featuring Ludacris (voice) Bobby Cannavale ... Gavin the Hormone Monster (voice) Neil Casey ... Detective Dumont / D.N. Ape (voice) Jessica Chaffin ... Shannon Glaser / Grace (voice) Jon Daly ... Judd Birch (voice) Kat Dennings ... Leah Birch / Lorriane the Hormone Monstress (voice)
Nathan Fillion ... Nathan Fillion (voice) John Gemberling ... Tyler the Hormone Monster (voice) Natasha Lyonne ... Suzette / Intellect Sphinx (voice) Gil Ozeri ... Brad (voice) Andrew Rannells ... Matthew (voice) Jean Smart ... Depression Kitty (voice) David Thewlis ... Shame Wizard (voice) Joe Wengert ... Stan the Hormone Monster / Ambition Gremlin (voice)
1 00:00:10,301 --> 00:00:12,053 [Nick] Gina did the funniest thing last night.
2 00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:13,847 I asked her what she was doing this summer,
3 00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:15,807 and she sent me an ISIS recruitment video.
4 00:00:15,890 --> 00:00:17,225 -[laughs] That's funny. -Right?
5 00:00:17,308 --> 00:00:19,436 Man, they're gonna be the end of civilization.
6 00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:21,563 -Nick! Over here! Alley-oop! -[Nick grunts]
7 00:00:21,646 --> 00:00:22,480 [groans]
8 00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:25,442 Oh, I should've filmed that. Gina loves basketball fails.
9 00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:28,862 Hey, um, isn't she kind of with Devon now?
10 00:00:28,945 --> 00:00:33,616 Oh, yeah. I heard they cheesed each other in the library until it was hot fondue.
11 00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:35,744 -I don't think that's true. -But they are dating.
12 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:38,079 Eh, it's fine. We're friends. For now.
13 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,206 Nickie's right. Even if a guy likes me,
14 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,624 -we can still be friends. -Totally.
15 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,626 I'm friends with a lot of guys that like me.
16 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,211 Oh, yeah.
17 00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:48,089 [Maury grunts]
18 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:51,301 You noticed some of the butt is on the outside of the bathing suit?
19 00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:53,762 I did. You have a keen eye for detail.
20 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:56,306 -How the light glints off of her mound. -Okay. God!
21 00:00:56,389 --> 00:01:00,769 Nick, you're such a sucker. Gina is using you for your friendship.
22 00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:03,855 -She's putting you in the friend zone. -The friend zone is not a real thing.
23 00:01:03,938 --> 00:01:05,356 You mean like the Jay spot?
24 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,984 I think you mean the G-spot, and maybe that's real?
25 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,903 -I don't know. -No, I mean the Jay spot.
26 00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:12,280 All I know is, I actually like getting to know Gina.
27 00:01:12,363 --> 00:01:13,198 -What? -For real.
28 00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:14,449 I'm so proud of you, Nicholas!
29 00:01:14,532 --> 00:01:17,160 And the G-spot is very real. Ask your mother.
30 00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:18,661 -She's hit mine several times. -[chuckles]
31 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,497 -Gross. -Who wants a quinoa burger?
32 00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:22,373 Well, if lunch is almost ready,
33 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,918 I am going to pop over to the little boys' room.
34 00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:26,002 I'm sorry I said that.
35 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,421 -Just pee in the pool, dude. -No, Jay. That's gross.
36 00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:30,882 I've literally been peeing through this entire conversation.
37 00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:33,426 -Jay! -I think I'm sick. It just won't stop.
38 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,428 -Jesus! -I've been drinking a lot of pool water.
39 00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:39,641 They never keep the good drugs in the pool house. Ha!
40 00:01:39,724 --> 00:01:43,603 Hark! I am the beast, and Leah's bathing suit, 'tis the sun.
41 00:01:43,686 --> 00:01:45,355 -[Andrew gasps] -Half of her ass was in there.
42 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:46,481 You should take a whiff.
43 00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:49,150 No! I'm not gonna do that. Nick's whole family is out there.
44 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,194 Come on. Did you see the wedgie she had?
45 00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,947 -That chip was dragged through the salsa. -Oh!
46 00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:56,074 Wow, it sure was though, wasn't it?
47 00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:58,493 Come on. It's just us. Nobody's gonna know.
48 00:01:58,576 --> 00:02:00,411 -Eat up, fat boy. -Yeah, I could have a snack.
49 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,163 -Here we go. Take a whiff. -[sniffs]
50 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:03,498 Well? What say you?
51 00:02:03,581 --> 00:02:05,166 It mostly just smells like chlorine,
52 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:08,002 but I know that her wet, naked body was against it.
53 00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,462 Good boy. Make it personal.
54 00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:12,132 Leah thinks it's responsible that you wear a UV shirt.
55 00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:14,134 Yes, she does, 'cause taking care of your skin
56 00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:15,593 means you take care of yourself.
57 00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:18,388 -And Leah notices that. -And her skin is so beautiful.
58 00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,515 Yeah, the mom's skin is not bad either.
59 00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:22,058 No, not the mom. Leah!
60 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,560 I want Leah! [gasps] Hi!
61 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:27,647 [all screaming]
62 00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:29,941 ["Changes" playing]
63 00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:35,947 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪
64 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:45,498 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪
65 00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:48,293 ♪ In my life ♪
66 00:03:00,805 --> 00:03:03,975 [all screaming]
67 00:03:04,475 --> 00:03:06,060 [giggles] Oh, my God!
68 00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:07,478 -I'm sorry! -Oh, my God!
69 00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:09,439 -[Leah groans] -Fuck! Shut the door already!
70 00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:11,316 [chuckles] Okay. Oh, my God!
71 00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:13,735 -Holy fucking shit! What do I do? -Finish.
72 00:03:13,818 --> 00:03:16,988 -Absolutely not. It's a nightmare. -The nightmare's not finishing.
73 00:03:17,071 --> 00:03:18,615 -It's unhealthy. -Gotta get out of here.
74 00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:21,492 I don't see a sign anywhere that says, "Don't jerk off to our daughter."
75 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:22,577 It's implied!
76 00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:24,621 They gotta make this stuff clear, friend.
77 00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,456 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
78 00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:30,001 Dr. Birch, can I eat my quinoa burger in the pool? I'm still peeing.
79 00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:31,961 Jay, honey, I'm honestly a little concerned.
80 00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:35,089 Oh, it's nothing to worry about. I pee once a week for half an hour.
81 00:03:35,173 --> 00:03:37,133 -[grunts] -You have no upper body strength.
82 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,010 -Oh, my dick! Ow! -[thud]
83 00:03:39,093 --> 00:03:40,637 [laughs] I fucking love this kid.
84 00:03:41,429 --> 00:03:42,805 [Andrew] Okay, calm down, Andrew.
85 00:03:42,889 --> 00:03:44,974 Maybe she thought I was peeing against the wall
86 00:03:45,058 --> 00:03:47,101 or scratching my penis with a very sturdy grip.
87 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:50,146 -It's going to be fine. -[menacing voice] No, it's not.
88 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,815 -What? -[menacing voice] She saw everything.
89 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:53,900 Who said that?
90 00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:55,944 [menacing voice] She's going to tell everyone.
91 00:03:56,027 --> 00:03:56,986 Oh, God.
92 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,821 [menacing voice] Nice tits, fat boy.
93 00:03:58,905 --> 00:03:59,906 [Andrew screaming]
94 00:04:00,698 --> 00:04:02,116 Can you pass the parmigiano, please?
95 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,410 Parmigiano? Really, Shannon?
96 00:04:04,494 --> 00:04:07,038 -Mom, just say "Parmesan." -You're not Carmela Soprano.
97 00:04:07,121 --> 00:04:08,331 -What? -Ugh!
98 00:04:08,414 --> 00:04:09,415 -Hey, girls. -[Shannon] Um.
99 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,292 How's it, uh, going?
100 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:13,127 How's it going? [glass shatters] Let me see.
101 00:04:13,211 --> 00:04:16,714 This bitch had an affair and then put you in the basement.
102 00:04:16,798 --> 00:04:18,424 -It's going bad! -[microwave beeping]
103 00:04:19,050 --> 00:04:19,968 It's going fine.
104 00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:21,552 Cool. Cool.
105 00:04:21,636 --> 00:04:24,472 Well, I'm gonna go back down to my Blues Traveler special
106 00:04:24,555 --> 00:04:25,682 on the TV guide channel.
107 00:04:25,765 --> 00:04:27,100 Let's go with saddy Daddy!
108 00:04:27,183 --> 00:04:29,310 -I'll come watch with you. -Oh, right on!
109 00:04:29,394 --> 00:04:31,312 Here's what you need to know about John Popper.
110 00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:33,898 He wears a fishing vest, but he doesn't fish.
111 00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:34,816 [sighs]
112 00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,403 -Hey! -[Greg] He invented the harmonica vest.
113 00:04:38,486 --> 00:04:39,445 -[door closes] -Um.
114 00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:40,863 -Okay, it's a tough one. -[Gina] Okay.
115 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:41,948 Candy corn or Peeps?
116 00:04:42,031 --> 00:04:42,949 -Candy corn. -Really?
117 00:04:43,032 --> 00:04:44,742 Yeah, they look like rotten Dracula teeth.
118 00:04:44,826 --> 00:04:46,286 -Okay. -Okay. Florida...
119 00:04:46,369 --> 00:04:48,162 -Okay. -...or a steaming pile of shit.
120 00:04:48,246 --> 00:04:49,998 -Who took the shit? -Someone from Florida.
121 00:04:50,081 --> 00:04:53,376 Oh, no! It's gonna be full of those big onion rings and bath salts.
122 00:04:53,459 --> 00:04:54,294 Yummy.
123 00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:55,712 -Yummy. -[laughs]
124 00:04:55,795 --> 00:04:58,214 Oh! This game is so fun. I have to play it with Devon.
125 00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:01,384 -Yeah. Well, it's just a game. -Shit! We've been talking for two hours.
126 00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:03,678 Oh, and I left my grandmother in that freezing cold bath.
127 00:05:03,761 --> 00:05:05,805 -What? [laughs] -[Gina] I'm joking. Come on!
128 00:05:05,888 --> 00:05:07,473 -Don't know what your culture does. -[Gina laughs]
129 00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:09,017 [gasps]
130 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,394 -Racism! -It's not racism.
131 00:05:11,477 --> 00:05:14,689 No, I just wrap her up in tortillas and put her to bed.
132 00:05:14,772 --> 00:05:16,232 -Okay, good. -I do have to go though,
133 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:17,984 -Okay. -...and we didn't do any of our workbook.
134 00:05:18,067 --> 00:05:20,653 Do you, um... do you want to come over tomorrow and finish it?
135 00:05:20,737 --> 00:05:22,238 -Uh, to your place? -Yeah.
136 00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,073 -Uh, sure, that sounds great. -Cool.
137 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,241 -Great. Cool. -Yeah.
138 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,577 Honestly, I have to get my grandma out of the bath. [chuckles]
139 00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:30,413 I can't tell if you're joking, or you're actually abusing your grandma.
140 00:05:30,496 --> 00:05:32,582 I could be. You'll find out tomorrow. Deuces!
141 00:05:32,665 --> 00:05:34,834 -I'm calling Elderly Protective Services. -Bye!
142 00:05:34,917 --> 00:05:36,002 -Bye! -[beeping]
143 00:05:36,085 --> 00:05:37,754 I love you.
144 00:05:37,837 --> 00:05:40,006 I just feel like she keeps giving me mixed signals.
145 00:05:40,089 --> 00:05:43,468 I know! Is that grandma in the bathtub or not?
146 00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:46,429 [in Spanish] ♪ I like a cool grandma ♪
147 00:05:46,512 --> 00:05:48,264 I just wanna know if I have a chance.
148 00:05:48,348 --> 00:05:53,061 Well, then I'll show you with the help of my lovely assistant!
149 00:05:53,186 --> 00:05:54,062 [groans]
150 00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:59,150 Oh, Nick! I can't believe this is your Hormone Monster.
151 00:05:59,609 --> 00:06:00,443 "Chance-o-meter?"
152 00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:02,445 It's the best way to tell...
153 00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:05,907 ♪ If you have a chance To get in her pants ♪
154 00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:08,368 [scatting]
155 00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:12,288 Okay, well, we were on the phone for two hours, so...
156 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:15,458 -[dinging] -"All right! All right! All right!"
157 00:06:15,541 --> 00:06:16,709 Matthew Modine!
158 00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,336 But then, she mentioned her boyfriend.
159 00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:20,713 -[buzzing] -[screams]
160 00:06:20,797 --> 00:06:21,881 Kieran Culkin!
161 00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:24,801 But then, she invited me over to her place to study.
162 00:06:24,884 --> 00:06:25,968 [dinging]
163 00:06:26,052 --> 00:06:30,348 Hey, hey! Either she's into you, or your house is haunted!
164 00:06:30,431 --> 00:06:32,225 -"We ain't afraid of no ghost." -Okay, Rick.
165 00:06:32,308 --> 00:06:35,853 -The movie Ghost. -[crowd cheering]
166 00:06:36,437 --> 00:06:39,148 Oh, my God! What if Leah tells her parents?
167 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:42,985 What if she tells Nick? He's gonna think I'm so gross.
168 00:06:43,069 --> 00:06:43,903 [groaning]
169 00:06:44,278 --> 00:06:45,822 Yes, Leah! Leah!
170 00:06:45,905 --> 00:06:48,616 [giggles] Oh, my God! [angrily] Oh, my God!
171 00:06:49,200 --> 00:06:51,452 Oh, my God!
172 00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:53,955 [laughing maniacally]
173 00:06:54,038 --> 00:06:56,958 [screams] What the hell was that guy?
174 00:06:57,041 --> 00:06:58,960 -[Maury] He's here. -Who's here? Someone's here?
175 00:06:59,043 --> 00:07:01,087 I'm so sorry. I thought you were immune.
176 00:07:01,170 --> 00:07:03,631 You'd survived so many humiliations without him showing up.
177 00:07:03,714 --> 00:07:04,549 Who?
178 00:07:04,632 --> 00:07:07,427 Andrew, whatever you do, don't-- [muffled]
179 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:10,721 Maury? Maury!
180 00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:13,057 [Marty] Who's Maury? Maury Povich?
181 00:07:13,141 --> 00:07:16,436 What kind of a bozo thinks about daytime TV at night?
182 00:07:16,519 --> 00:07:17,520 [groans]
183 00:07:17,603 --> 00:07:18,729 [bell rings]
184 00:07:21,816 --> 00:07:23,693 Hey, what happened yesterday? You just vanished.
185 00:07:23,776 --> 00:07:27,029 [menacing voice] He knows. Leah told him.
186 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:31,701 Nothing! I agreed to reupholster my cousin's chair.
187 00:07:31,784 --> 00:07:33,369 -Fuck! For his wife's birthday... -What?
188 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,954 -...present. -Are you okay?
189 00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:37,957 [laughs nervously ] I'm fine. It's this bitch wife of my cousin's
190 00:07:38,040 --> 00:07:41,294 who wants me to go buy her, now, a dehumidifier.
191 00:07:41,377 --> 00:07:43,463 Jeez, she likes a dry room, I guess.
192 00:07:43,546 --> 00:07:45,339 -I'm outta here. -Huh.
193 00:07:45,423 --> 00:07:46,841 So, what are we doing now?
194 00:07:46,924 --> 00:07:48,509 I really don't want to go home.
195 00:07:48,593 --> 00:07:52,263 Well, I don't know about you, but my mom is definitely picking me up today.
196 00:07:52,346 --> 00:07:53,389 I left her a note.
197 00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:55,850 "Pick up Jay.
198 00:07:56,225 --> 00:07:57,894 Jay is your son.
199 00:07:58,936 --> 00:08:00,563 This one's Jay."
200 00:08:00,646 --> 00:08:02,565 Oh!
201 00:08:02,648 --> 00:08:05,485 Good thing this is a driving wine.
202 00:08:05,860 --> 00:08:07,361 Yeah, don't worry about it.
203 00:08:07,445 --> 00:08:08,613 -Oh, okay. -Fuck you.
204 00:08:08,696 --> 00:08:10,865 -Nick, what about you? -What am I doing... [gasps]
205 00:08:10,948 --> 00:08:13,576 Oh, right. Yeah, I've got a study date with Gina.
206 00:08:13,659 --> 00:08:15,703 Oh, right. So you can study her big boobs?
207 00:08:15,786 --> 00:08:17,580 Okay, she's a three-dimensional person, Jessi.
208 00:08:17,663 --> 00:08:19,373 -She certainly is. -[laughs sarcastically]
209 00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:20,958 -Look, we're friends. -Mm-hmm.
210 00:08:21,042 --> 00:08:23,461 Well, then why are you dressed like the interior of a Maserati?
211 00:08:23,544 --> 00:08:25,546 I hope you know, this jacket is very expensive.
212 00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,548 I bought it in the lobby of Caesars Palace.
213 00:08:27,632 --> 00:08:29,634 -Oh, yeah. It's baller! -Oh, no.
214 00:08:29,717 --> 00:08:31,844 -That's like some Steven Seagal shit. -Oh, no!
215 00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:34,096 -Hey, Nick. -[groans] The buttons are too strong.
216 00:08:34,180 --> 00:08:36,182 I think you're stuck. Bye!
217 00:08:36,265 --> 00:08:39,185 -Wow! Nick! Look at that jacket. -You like it?
218 00:08:39,268 --> 00:08:40,144 -One question. -Yeah?
219 00:08:40,228 --> 00:08:42,563 Do you consider yourself more fast or more furious?
220 00:08:42,647 --> 00:08:45,149 -[laughs] -That's funny. A zinger from Gina.
221 00:08:45,566 --> 00:08:46,859 -[buzzer buzzes] -Come on, man.
222 00:08:46,943 --> 00:08:49,237 I think we look great, baby. [grunts]
223 00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:50,446 Heavy jacket.
224 00:08:51,656 --> 00:08:55,451 Hey, Jay, let me guess. You glued your elbows to your knees?
225 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:57,036 No, I'm waiting for my mom.
226 00:08:57,119 --> 00:09:00,456 While you're waiting, you wanna help me put away the bad-minton equint-ment?
227 00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,959 Oh, I think it's badminton.
228 00:09:03,042 --> 00:09:05,086 No, this is a bad mitten.
229 00:09:05,169 --> 00:09:08,005 Let's go put our hands all over a newborn baby,
230 00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:10,424 -even though we got a horrible cold. -Whoa!
231 00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:13,928 I know! This guy, he's such a bad mitten, right?
232 00:09:14,011 --> 00:09:17,223 Why don't you shut your fucking mustache, you piece of shit?
233 00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:21,227 Hey, Mom, have you ever done something that you, you know, regretted?
234 00:09:21,310 --> 00:09:23,771 -What'd you do, you little pervert? -Don't tell me, Andrew.
235 00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:25,481 Whatever you did, don't ever tell me.
236 00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:28,276 No, I'm just asking if you've ever felt ashamed.
237 00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:31,279 I'm ashamed of everything. It's my great shame.
238 00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:33,364 Don't ask your mother about shame.
239 00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:35,116 That's why I pay synagogue dues.
240 00:09:35,199 --> 00:09:38,369 So that you can talk to Rabbi Paulblart if you have a problem.
241 00:09:38,452 --> 00:09:41,038 -But you don't pay synagogue dues. -You're damn right! I don't!
242 00:09:41,122 --> 00:09:42,373 And I'm not gonna pay a dime.
243 00:09:42,456 --> 00:09:45,251 Not until Paulblart gives up one of his three parking spots.
244 00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:47,211 We wandered the desert for 40 years
245 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:49,922 so that this man can park at a diagonal? Feh!
246 00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:51,007 [video game beeping]
247 00:09:51,090 --> 00:09:53,092 -[man 1] That hooker's dead, bro. -[in Spanish] I'm here.
248 00:09:53,175 --> 00:09:54,260 Grab the coins, man.
249 00:09:54,343 --> 00:09:56,429 [in Spanish] Kill that damn bitch!
250 00:09:56,512 --> 00:09:59,015 Mike, Carlos, Abuela, this is Nick.
251 00:09:59,098 --> 00:09:59,932 -Hey. -Hey.
252 00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,767 Nick, these are my brothers and my grandma.
253 00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:04,186 Now which one is which? I'm kidding, of course.
254 00:10:04,270 --> 00:10:05,980 -You must be Mike. -[in Spanish] What!
255 00:10:06,063 --> 00:10:07,315 I've heard so much about you.
256 00:10:07,398 --> 00:10:09,859 [in Spanish] We're going to study in the room, Grandma.
257 00:10:09,942 --> 00:10:12,194 Okay, este niño es seguro.
258 00:10:12,278 --> 00:10:13,321 What'd she say?
259 00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:16,240 I'm not supposed to have boys in my room, but she says it's okay,
260 00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:17,700 because you're a "safe boy."
261 00:10:17,783 --> 00:10:18,618 -[groans] -[buzzes]
262 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:21,454 "Ay, Dios mio!" The Taco Bell dog.
263 00:10:22,163 --> 00:10:23,372 Sorry, my room's a mess.
264 00:10:23,456 --> 00:10:24,749 -[deep voice] Sleepover. -What?
265 00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:26,751 -That's just my little sister, Tanya. -Sleepover.
266 00:10:26,834 --> 00:10:27,877 [grunts]
267 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:29,420 -Sleepover! -Tanya, what did we talk--
268 00:10:29,503 --> 00:10:30,796 -She's very strong. -I'm sorry.
269 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,548 Tanya's watching a ton of cholita wrestling
270 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:34,925 where these Bolivian women fight in their church clothes.
271 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:36,886 -Tanya, let him go! -She's adorable.
272 00:10:36,969 --> 00:10:38,387 Sleepover.
273 00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:41,515 Your friends suck. Your family sucks.
274 00:10:41,599 --> 00:10:43,392 This pharmacy sucks!
275 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,478 I know. My life sucks.
276 00:10:45,561 --> 00:10:47,688 You know what doesn't suck? That lip gloss.
277 00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:48,981 I don't have enough money.
278 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:50,941 Who said anything about money, honey?
279 00:10:51,025 --> 00:10:52,735 You got five fingers, don't you?
280 00:10:52,818 --> 00:10:55,237 Actually, I have four, but that's standard animation stuff.
281 00:10:55,321 --> 00:10:59,950 [babbles] Steal that lip gloss. Flavor: bubblegum.
282 00:11:00,034 --> 00:11:01,619 You mean like shoplifting?
283 00:11:01,702 --> 00:11:04,080 No, I mean like pharmacy stealing.
284 00:11:04,163 --> 00:11:05,331 -Fuck it! -I don't know.
285 00:11:05,414 --> 00:11:08,250 -Fuck all these fucking fucks! -What if I get caught?
286 00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:10,503 That's what makes it so exciting.
287 00:11:10,586 --> 00:11:14,882 Like screwing a stranger at a minor league baseball game.
288 00:11:14,965 --> 00:11:16,467 -What? Ew. -Baby steps.
289 00:11:16,550 --> 00:11:18,344 First, steal that lip gloss!
290 00:11:19,053 --> 00:11:21,180 [sighs] Okay, here we go.
291 00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:25,434 Smooth. Now walk to the door. Be cool.
292 00:11:25,518 --> 00:11:27,603 -[Jessi humming] -[Connie] Yeah, smile. Not that big.
293 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:29,689 Head down. Don't look her in the eye.
294 00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:31,524 Don't look away. All right, now get out!
295 00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:33,484 Get the fuck out! Go! Move!
296 00:11:33,901 --> 00:11:36,153 [panting]
297 00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:37,405 I'm out! I'm out!
298 00:11:37,488 --> 00:11:38,989 Well, how do you feel?
299 00:11:39,073 --> 00:11:41,325 I feel... I feel amazing.
300 00:11:41,409 --> 00:11:42,785 Is this how men feel?
301 00:11:42,868 --> 00:11:45,913 All the time! Even the ugly ones!
302 00:11:45,996 --> 00:11:47,957 Mmm. Bubblegum.
303 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,668 Bubblegum!
304 00:11:50,751 --> 00:11:53,587 So what's the difference between a mutation and an adaptation?
305 00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:54,630 It's funny you ask,
306 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,508 -'cause I don't know, I don't care. -We literally just sat down.
307 00:11:57,591 --> 00:12:00,219 I know, but all this stuff is on Planet Earth on Netflix.
308 00:12:00,302 --> 00:12:02,513 It's gonna be so much more fun to watch it.
309 00:12:02,596 --> 00:12:05,266 It's like science class without all that pesky reading.
310 00:12:05,349 --> 00:12:08,144 [mimics Coach Steve] Because technically, I am illiterate.
311 00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:09,270 [chuckles] Coach Steve.
312 00:12:09,353 --> 00:12:11,272 Yeah, we don't have Netflix.
313 00:12:11,355 --> 00:12:13,274 You don't have Netflix? That's impossible.
314 00:12:13,357 --> 00:12:15,693 I mean, from Roku, to Apple TV, to your home computer,
315 00:12:15,776 --> 00:12:18,279 Gina, streaming on Netflix has never been easier.
316 00:12:18,362 --> 00:12:20,072 This Netflix, it sounds expensive.
317 00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:22,199 [laughs] You'd think so, but it's not, Gina.
318 00:12:22,283 --> 00:12:24,869 And best of all, you get five unique user profiles,
319 00:12:24,952 --> 00:12:27,037 or I could just give you my password for--
320 00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:28,956 [beeping]
321 00:12:29,039 --> 00:12:31,292 [narrator on TV] The female bird fails to see
322 00:12:31,375 --> 00:12:33,753 this beta male as a potential mate.
323 00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:34,962 Ah!
324 00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:38,674 But the beta has an evolutionary trick up its sleeve.
325 00:12:39,049 --> 00:12:40,217 [screeching]
326 00:12:40,301 --> 00:12:42,344 Nick, you're like that bird, bro.
327 00:12:42,428 --> 00:12:45,514 Yeah, trying to get with our sister. [chuckles] That fucking jacket.
328 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:46,432 [in Spanish] Shut up!
329 00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:48,934 If I'm that bird, you guys are those two possums
330 00:12:49,018 --> 00:12:50,853 -eating bugs out of each other's butts. -[Gina chuckles]
331 00:12:50,936 --> 00:12:54,106 -Gina, I like this little dude. -Yeah, me too.
332 00:12:54,732 --> 00:12:56,275 -[dings] -Your jacket's working.
333 00:12:56,358 --> 00:12:59,695 [narrator on TV] And so the two birds begin to fuck.
334 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,197 [female bird screeching]
335 00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:03,491 Sleepover.
336 00:13:04,283 --> 00:13:07,161 [Andrew] Rabbi Paulblart, what does Torah say about sin?
337 00:13:07,244 --> 00:13:08,412 My dear Andrew,
338 00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:12,082 what's a sin is the parking situation in this synagogue.
339 00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,543 -I'm sorry. I don't-- -What, my adult son, Leore,
340 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,129 should park on the street like a common criminal?
341 00:13:17,213 --> 00:13:19,048 I was talking about masturbation.
342 00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:21,592 People are masturbating in the parking spaces now?
343 00:13:21,675 --> 00:13:23,594 -No. -Oy va voy! Is it Leore?
344 00:13:23,677 --> 00:13:24,887 -What? -He's very nervous
345 00:13:24,970 --> 00:13:26,555 about going on Fish Tank,
346 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:29,099 which is the Jewish version of Shark Tank.
347 00:13:29,183 --> 00:13:32,895 I just wanna talk to you, Rabbi, about how I feel ashamed of who I am.
348 00:13:32,978 --> 00:13:34,355 Shame? Nay, nay.
349 00:13:34,438 --> 00:13:37,149 Jews, we do not feel shame. We feel guilt.
350 00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:38,984 Like how you should feel guilt
351 00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:41,821 for not investing in Leore's business venture,
352 00:13:41,904 --> 00:13:44,073 wigs for religious dogs.
353 00:13:44,156 --> 00:13:47,409 -But I don't have any money. -Neither, my friend, does Leore.
354 00:13:47,493 --> 00:13:49,995 If you want to talk shame, go to the Catholics.
355 00:13:50,079 --> 00:13:51,664 If you want to talk dog wigs,
356 00:13:51,747 --> 00:13:52,915 -go to Leore. -What?
357 00:13:52,998 --> 00:13:57,086 But do not go alone, for one should have fear of Leore.
358 00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,296 [both grunt]
359 00:13:59,380 --> 00:14:02,466 -Hey, we broke our record. -Yeah! [laughs]
360 00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:05,344 Hey, I'm sorry my mom is so late picking me up.
361 00:14:05,427 --> 00:14:09,348 She's probably, you know, at the kid store buying my feed.
362 00:14:09,431 --> 00:14:10,933 [chuckles] That's something moms do, right?
363 00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:14,353 Oh, yeah, real mom stuff. Totally understand.
364 00:14:14,436 --> 00:14:17,940 'Cause my mom, she would feed me too, you know? So...
365 00:14:18,816 --> 00:14:22,528 -But hey, we're having fun, right? -Yeah!
366 00:14:22,611 --> 00:14:24,613 -You wanna see a magic trick? -I don't know.
367 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:26,407 Okay, check it out.
368 00:14:26,907 --> 00:14:28,492 [groans] Why did you do that?
369 00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:29,994 Wait! Whoa! What do you mean?
370 00:14:30,077 --> 00:14:32,371 I don't know. I didn't like that.
371 00:14:32,454 --> 00:14:33,998 It's okay. It's not real.
372 00:14:34,081 --> 00:14:35,749 [sniffling]
373 00:14:37,084 --> 00:14:38,252 [stammering] It's not?
374 00:14:38,335 --> 00:14:40,963 -No, no, no! It's a trick, see? -A trick?
375 00:14:41,046 --> 00:14:43,048 I'm not supposed to reveal my secret,
376 00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:46,468 but look, the shuttlecocks's now right up my sleeve.
377 00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:47,595 [gasps]
378 00:14:47,678 --> 00:14:49,096 -Wow! -Yeah.
379 00:14:49,179 --> 00:14:52,850 I can't believe you would break The Magician's Code for me.
380 00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:55,519 I mean, that's like something you would do...
381 00:14:55,811 --> 00:14:56,896 for a friend.
382 00:14:56,979 --> 00:14:58,731 Yeah! Yeah!
383 00:14:58,814 --> 00:15:00,941 -Yeah, we're friends! -Best friends.
384 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:03,527 -Sure! Fuck everybody else! -Eh!
385 00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:06,030 My best friend is an adult man!
386 00:15:06,113 --> 00:15:08,991 And my best friend is an unclaimed child!
387 00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:11,577 I hope your mom never picks you up, Jay.
388 00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,495 -How was your day, sweetie? -Hi.
389 00:15:13,579 --> 00:15:15,581 -What's on your lips? -Bubblegum lip gloss.
390 00:15:15,664 --> 00:15:16,749 Oh, where'd you get that?
391 00:15:16,832 --> 00:15:19,585 -Hmm. Missy gave it to me. -I didn't know Missy wore lip gloss.
392 00:15:19,668 --> 00:15:21,795 Yes, she doesn't. That's why she gave it to me.
393 00:15:21,879 --> 00:15:25,758 Nice. Now lie to her for no fucking reason, whatsoever.
394 00:15:25,841 --> 00:15:29,261 Oh, by the way, that new mac and cheese restaurant is finally open.
395 00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:30,679 Ooh! Mac and cheese.
396 00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:31,972 -Do you wanna go? -Nope.
397 00:15:32,056 --> 00:15:32,932 [scoffs]
398 00:15:33,557 --> 00:15:35,559 Uh... forgive me, Father,
399 00:15:35,643 --> 00:15:38,646 for I was looking at my best friend's sister's bathing suit,
400 00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:42,149 and I fell prey to masturbation.
401 00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:43,484 Got it. Do five Our Fathers.
402 00:15:43,567 --> 00:15:45,027 -Uh, that's it? -That's it.
403 00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:47,613 I'm sorry. That's Catholicism?
404 00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:50,324 -[priest] Wait. Are you not Catholic? -If you must know, I'm Jewish.
405 00:15:50,407 --> 00:15:53,827 -[priest] Oh! Jewish! -What does that mean?
406 00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:56,747 I'm not surprised you're in here trying to get advice for free.
407 00:15:56,830 --> 00:16:00,209 Oh, okay. What? You want to trade in stereotypes, old man?
408 00:16:00,292 --> 00:16:02,836 Well, I bet you... I bet you have sex with little boys.
409 00:16:02,920 --> 00:16:05,381 -Old man? I'm 32! -Oh big wow!
410 00:16:05,464 --> 00:16:07,883 -I've boned down with grown-ass women. -Oh, who cares?
411 00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:09,635 -Divorcees. -You're disgusting.
412 00:16:09,718 --> 00:16:12,262 You doubt me, man? I got a picture of panties right here.
413 00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:13,973 -I'm outta here. -Hold on. Don't you go anywhere.
414 00:16:14,056 --> 00:16:15,683 It's from a couple of weeks ago. Hold on.
415 00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:17,977 -I'm not waiting for the picture. -See that? Look at that.
416 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:19,478 You tell me I fuck little boys.
417 00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:20,980 -Those are shorts. -These are shorts.
418 00:16:21,063 --> 00:16:22,815 Looking at it now, I see that they're shorts.
419 00:16:22,898 --> 00:16:24,650 Can't believe I waited around for a fucking priest
420 00:16:24,733 --> 00:16:26,443 to show me a pantie picture. I'm outta here.
421 00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,446 You know what? If I did fuck little boys, you wouldn't be one of them.
422 00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:33,033 Oh, a lot of adult men would be attracted to me and this big can of mine.
423 00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:34,868 [Andrew] What a jerk! [groans]
424 00:16:34,952 --> 00:16:36,787 -I just want to feel better. -[thunder rumbles]
425 00:16:36,870 --> 00:16:39,039 [menacing voice] You'll never feel better.
426 00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:41,041 -Stop it! -[menacing voice] You're wretched!
427 00:16:41,125 --> 00:16:42,042 Leave me alone.
428 00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:45,963 You should be ashamed of yourself, you sinful little cretin!
429 00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:47,047 [groans]
430 00:16:47,506 --> 00:16:49,925 [Andrew panting]
431 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:53,178 I just wanted to touch myself in public. Is that so wrong?
432 00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:56,932 [menacing voice] Stop quoting your friend's dad's law commercials.
433 00:16:57,975 --> 00:17:01,729 [panting] Cramps! Cramps! How can a child be in such bad shape?
434 00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,274 [sighs] Thank goodness! I made it.
435 00:17:05,357 --> 00:17:07,317 -[menacing voice] Congratulations. -[screams]
436 00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:09,403 -Who are you? -Who am I?
437 00:17:09,486 --> 00:17:13,824 Andrew, I'm the Shame Wizard, of course.
438 00:17:13,907 --> 00:17:15,743 -The Shame Wizard? -[laughs maniacally]
439 00:17:15,826 --> 00:17:18,203 The Shame Wizard!
440 00:17:18,287 --> 00:17:19,329 Oh!
441 00:17:19,413 --> 00:17:23,167 Yes, Andrew, and I've been waiting for you.
442 00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:24,918 -You have? -Oh, yes.
443 00:17:25,002 --> 00:17:27,337 -Oh, God. -Surely, you knew I was coming.
444 00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:28,672 I didn't. I would have--
445 00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,216 Now, come with me, young man.
446 00:17:31,300 --> 00:17:34,970 I'm taking you to that new mac and cheese restaurant.
447 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,055 -Really? -Nope.
448 00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:39,641 [whimpers] Where am I?
449 00:17:39,725 --> 00:17:41,268 All rise.
450 00:17:41,351 --> 00:17:44,813 -Shame Court is now in session. -What?
451 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:48,067 The honorable Shame Wizard presiding.
452 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:50,235 -Shame Court? -Silence!
453 00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:54,156 Thus begins the trial of Andrew Glouberman
454 00:17:54,239 --> 00:17:59,411 who stands accused of being a loathsome, little pervert.
455 00:17:59,495 --> 00:18:00,412 [gasps]
456 00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:01,580 That was really fun.
457 00:18:01,663 --> 00:18:03,624 -My family likes you. -Don't know if you noticed,
458 00:18:03,707 --> 00:18:06,085 but I think Tanya might wanna have a sleepover.
459 00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,419 That might be fun.
460 00:18:07,503 --> 00:18:09,838 I'll only do it if I can take an ice bath with your grandma.
461 00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:11,173 [laughing]
462 00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:14,134 -[dinging] -This is your big chance, Nick.
463 00:18:14,218 --> 00:18:16,929 Eat her chin! Pinch her in the back.
464 00:18:19,640 --> 00:18:21,100 -Hey, G. -Hey, D!
465 00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:23,560 -Oh, D's here. -Oh, cool jacket, Nick.
466 00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:26,105 I think my uncle had the same when he was Sinbad for Halloween.
467 00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:29,066 [chuckles] I think it's kinda weird you're that close to your uncle.
468 00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:31,819 Oh, okay. My dad wasn't around, but you're just gonna be that guy.
469 00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:33,445 There's nothing I can say back to that.
470 00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:35,197 -Okay. [laughs sarcastically] -All right.
471 00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,157 Oh, Nick, uh, looks like your bus is here.
472 00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:39,827 -Thanks again. I had fun. -Yeah. Me, too.
473 00:18:39,910 --> 00:18:41,328 -Bye. -Bye.
474 00:18:46,834 --> 00:18:48,460 -[buzzing] -Oh!
475 00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:51,547 "Oh, no! This bus can't slow down."
476 00:18:51,630 --> 00:18:53,090 The Matrix, baby.
477 00:18:53,173 --> 00:18:56,510 -[gavel pounds] -Ladies and gentlemen,
478 00:18:56,593 --> 00:18:58,595 over the millennia,
479 00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:04,143 I have seen many good people do terrible things.
480 00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:06,145 But the State shall prove
481 00:19:06,228 --> 00:19:10,440 that Andrew Glouberman didn't do a bad thing.
482 00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:14,444 -Yeah. -He is a bad thing!
483 00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:15,404 Objection.
484 00:19:15,487 --> 00:19:17,865 [gasps] Oh, thank God! Maury, you're here.
485 00:19:17,948 --> 00:19:18,866 Are you my lawyer?
486 00:19:18,949 --> 00:19:20,659 -[scoffs] Am I your lawyer? -Oh, please--
487 00:19:20,742 --> 00:19:21,994 Seriously, am I your lawyer?
488 00:19:22,077 --> 00:19:24,621 I was told we were going to a new mac and cheese restaurant.
489 00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,124 How does the defendant plead?
490 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:28,959 Not creepy, Your Honor.
491 00:19:29,084 --> 00:19:30,127 -[dicks whimpering] -Oh!
492 00:19:30,210 --> 00:19:32,462 -I'm sorry. I couldn't find a sitter. -[sighs disgustedly]
493 00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:36,383 One, two, three... I'm missing a dick. Everyone, check their butts.
494 00:19:36,466 --> 00:19:38,093 I am so screwed.
495 00:19:38,677 --> 00:19:40,762 -[bus driver] Hey, kid, this is your stop. -Oh.
496 00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:43,932 The Friend Zone? No, I don't want to get off here.
497 00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:45,684 Well, I could take you to the Alone Zone,
498 00:19:45,767 --> 00:19:48,520 but that's just a tent where you jerk off to vacation photos
499 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:49,938 -of your ex on Facebook. -What?
500 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:52,649 They serve microwave nachos, and it's freezing in there.
501 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:53,859 Okay, I'll get off here.
502 00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:57,821 Welcome to the Friend Zone.
503 00:19:57,905 --> 00:20:01,241 This will vibrate when Gina's ready to be more than friends.
504 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:02,618 [whispers] It never vibrates.
505 00:20:02,701 --> 00:20:04,453 Over here is the gray area,
506 00:20:04,536 --> 00:20:06,663 where people parse the meaning of ambiguous texts.
507 00:20:06,747 --> 00:20:10,083 So, there are two exclamation points but then the emoji with no mouth.
508 00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:12,461 Does he want to hang out tomorrow? Why doesn't he say it?
509 00:20:12,544 --> 00:20:15,255 Or does he want to when he's back from his trip? Is there even a trip?
510 00:20:15,339 --> 00:20:16,673 Oh, God! This is sad.
511 00:20:16,757 --> 00:20:19,593 Actually, scroll up to that other text where he calls you "dude."
512 00:20:19,676 --> 00:20:20,969 That's what we should focus on.
513 00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:23,388 -I gotta get out of here. -Yeah, good call.
514 00:20:23,472 --> 00:20:26,934 Look, there's the Fuck Zone. Let's roll over there, baby.
515 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:29,686 [woman moaning]
516 00:20:32,272 --> 00:20:33,649 -Oh, my God! -[Rick groans]
517 00:20:33,857 --> 00:20:35,609 We can still make it. [groans]
518 00:20:35,692 --> 00:20:36,860 Rick, just stop.
519 00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:38,195 What are you gonna do?
520 00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:39,112 Oh, God!
521 00:20:39,196 --> 00:20:40,739 [Rick] At least my crutch is okay.
522 00:20:40,822 --> 00:20:42,366 [hawk screeching]
523 00:20:43,075 --> 00:20:45,911 [clears throat] I'm Andrew's father's associate, Susan.
524 00:20:45,994 --> 00:20:47,579 He masturbates to me every night.
525 00:20:47,663 --> 00:20:50,874 Objection! He masturbates to her during the day as well.
526 00:20:52,542 --> 00:20:54,878 Oh, God! I need outside counsel.
527 00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:56,630 [thick Russian accent] I am web cam girl.
528 00:20:56,713 --> 00:20:58,715 All day, I deal with pervert,
529 00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:02,094 but Andrew, he is most pervert.
530 00:21:02,177 --> 00:21:04,680 -Can I smoke from my vagina? -No!
531 00:21:04,763 --> 00:21:06,556 Andrew like me do it. [chuckles]
532 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:10,227 -Jesus Christ! -I was curious about the mechanics of it.
533 00:21:10,310 --> 00:21:11,603 [sock 1] He singled me out.
534 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,981 He separated me... [sighs] from my partner.
535 00:21:14,064 --> 00:21:15,941 That's what they do, you know?
536 00:21:16,024 --> 00:21:19,403 And then he used me like an object.
537 00:21:19,486 --> 00:21:23,699 I mean, obviously, I am an object but for feet, not for... [crying]
538 00:21:23,782 --> 00:21:25,450 There, there. It's all right.
539 00:21:25,534 --> 00:21:27,661 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Can I...
540 00:21:27,744 --> 00:21:29,204 Can I smoke from my vagina?
541 00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:30,831 Of course. Please.
542 00:21:30,914 --> 00:21:33,000 He was my brother's best friend.
543 00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:34,835 We treated him like family.
544 00:21:34,918 --> 00:21:37,254 And in kind, he honored that?
545 00:21:37,337 --> 00:21:39,339 No! He jerked off all over the house!
546 00:21:39,423 --> 00:21:40,674 -[all gasp] -[man] Jerked off?
547 00:21:40,757 --> 00:21:42,050 And to think,
548 00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:45,012 -you were going to take him to Hamilton. -She was?
549 00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:46,930 Then I was gonna maybe take him to Starbucks.
550 00:21:47,014 --> 00:21:48,181 No! The ideal date!
551 00:21:48,265 --> 00:21:49,349 Thank you, Leah.
552 00:21:49,433 --> 00:21:53,270 The prosecution would now like to call its final witness.
553 00:21:53,353 --> 00:21:54,438 Oh, thank God!
554 00:21:54,521 --> 00:21:56,440 Andrew Glouberman!
555 00:21:56,523 --> 00:21:58,275 -[gasps] -Oh, dear God!
556 00:21:58,358 --> 00:22:00,652 [grunts] It was in my own butt.
557 00:22:00,736 --> 00:22:02,112 -You scared me! -[penis whimpers]
558 00:22:02,195 --> 00:22:04,823 Buddy, I'm not mad. I was just worried.
559 00:22:05,449 --> 00:22:06,325 Hey, Mom.
560 00:22:06,408 --> 00:22:07,868 Sorry, I'm late.
561 00:22:07,951 --> 00:22:10,078 That's okay. I had a great time with my new friend.
562 00:22:10,162 --> 00:22:12,789 Oh, you got a super-duper kid, Mrs. Jay's mom.
563 00:22:12,873 --> 00:22:14,333 Thank you, Mister...
564 00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:17,085 Oh, it's Steve. Mr. Coach Steve-Steve.
565 00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:19,338 -[giggles] -You can call me Coach Steve.
566 00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:23,967 Well, any friend of Jay's is a friend of mine, Steve.
567 00:22:24,051 --> 00:22:26,928 [chuckles] Another friend? When it rains, it pours.
568 00:22:27,012 --> 00:22:30,182 -Bye-bye, Coach Steve. -Bye-bye, Mrs. Jay's Mom-Mom.
569 00:22:30,265 --> 00:22:34,728 Hey, let's buy a dog from a puppy mill and say we got it from a shelter.
570 00:22:34,811 --> 00:22:36,855 No! I just made two new friends.
571 00:22:36,938 --> 00:22:39,775 I don't need you anymore, Bad Mitten. [grunts]
572 00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:42,235 Oh, you're dead, Steve.
573 00:22:42,319 --> 00:22:46,365 I'm gonna kill you before you lose your virginity next episode.
574 00:22:46,448 --> 00:22:48,909 Oh! You don't like spoilers?
575 00:22:48,992 --> 00:22:50,827 Well, let me explain this to you.
576 00:22:50,911 --> 00:22:52,537 I'm not a good mitten.
577 00:22:52,621 --> 00:22:54,247 I'm a bad mitten.
578 00:22:54,331 --> 00:22:55,916 [laughing evilly]
579 00:22:55,999 --> 00:22:56,958 [hawk screeching]
580 00:22:57,709 --> 00:22:58,919 [crunching]
581 00:22:59,086 --> 00:23:02,297 [grunts] Still don't think I'm a bad mitten?
582 00:23:02,381 --> 00:23:06,635 Then stick around and watch me fuck this dead bird.
583 00:23:07,427 --> 00:23:09,304 Mr. Glouberman!
584 00:23:09,388 --> 00:23:12,307 Don't tell a little kid about mac and cheese restaurant.
585 00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:14,476 -Why would you promise that? -[laughing]
586 00:23:15,435 --> 00:23:17,354 Andrew, my boy,
587 00:23:17,437 --> 00:23:21,149 we've heard but a fraction of the many wretched things you've done
588 00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:24,152 -in your pathetic life. -Oh, God!
589 00:23:24,236 --> 00:23:26,655 -And now, I only have one question. -[Andrew moans]
590 00:23:26,738 --> 00:23:30,325 Do you believe you're a good person?
591 00:23:30,409 --> 00:23:33,412 -I think. -I will remind you that you're under oath!
592 00:23:33,495 --> 00:23:35,705 -I wanna be a good person. -Do you?
593 00:23:35,789 --> 00:23:41,253 Because I believe you wish to drench this entire planet in your rotten jizz.
594 00:23:41,336 --> 00:23:43,422 Isn't that true, Mr. Glouberman?
595 00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:45,048 No, that's a half truth!
596 00:23:45,132 --> 00:23:46,007 [all gasp]
597 00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:50,429 May the records show that the defendant has a poorly-timed erection.
598 00:23:50,679 --> 00:23:51,847 Do not write that down!
599 00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:53,181 You got a boner from this?
600 00:23:53,265 --> 00:23:57,352 There is no denying it. You are irredeemable.
601 00:23:57,436 --> 00:24:00,480 I know that. Don't you think I know that?
602 00:24:00,564 --> 00:24:02,023 I have no self-control.
603 00:24:02,107 --> 00:24:04,985 I could jerk off to anything in here. I could jerk off to all of you.
604 00:24:05,068 --> 00:24:07,696 I'll probably jerk off to this whole experience.
605 00:24:07,779 --> 00:24:08,864 [all gasp]
606 00:24:08,947 --> 00:24:09,865 Why is that?
607 00:24:09,948 --> 00:24:12,200 -Because I'm a creep, okay? -Oh, yes.
608 00:24:12,284 --> 00:24:14,286 -I'm a pervert! -Yes, Andrew.
609 00:24:14,369 --> 00:24:17,664 And maybe at the end of the day, I'm just a bad person.
610 00:24:17,747 --> 00:24:19,875 Yes! You're a bad person!
611 00:24:19,958 --> 00:24:21,877 And not a great guy at all.
612 00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:23,795 You're just reshuffling the words.
613 00:24:23,879 --> 00:24:25,714 -God, what have I done? -[all] Guilty.
614 00:24:25,797 --> 00:24:28,383 [all chanting] Guilty!
615 00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:30,635 -[Shame Wizard laughs] -[chanting continues]
616 00:24:30,719 --> 00:24:32,721 Andrew! Stop judging yourself.
617 00:24:32,804 --> 00:24:34,848 No!
618 00:24:34,931 --> 00:24:38,185 I'm a not great guy.
619 00:24:41,229 --> 00:24:44,107 She deserves it, and so do we.
620 00:24:44,191 --> 00:24:45,400 We totally do.
621 00:24:45,484 --> 00:24:46,735 ["I Put a Spell on You" playing]
622 00:24:46,818 --> 00:24:50,113 ♪ I put a spell on you ♪
623 00:24:54,910 --> 00:24:59,831 ♪ Because you're mine ♪
624 00:25:03,627 --> 00:25:05,253 ♪ You better stop the things... ♪
625 00:25:05,337 --> 00:25:07,589 [crying]
626 00:25:07,672 --> 00:25:09,132 [crying]
627 00:25:09,216 --> 00:25:11,843 -I'm sorry, Andrew. -It's okay.
628 00:25:11,927 --> 00:25:13,470 No, I made in the crate.
629 00:25:13,553 --> 00:25:15,138 Shut up, Maurice.
630 00:25:15,222 --> 00:25:18,391 Don't you see he's mine now? You both are.
631 00:25:18,475 --> 00:25:20,268 [laughing evilly]
632 00:25:20,727 --> 00:25:23,438 Okay, it's just that it's caked to my fur.
633 00:25:23,522 --> 00:25:24,731 [cries]
634 00:25:24,814 --> 00:25:26,691 [grunts]
635 00:25:26,775 --> 00:25:29,194 -[Andrew and Maurice cry] -[Shame Wizard laughs]
636 00:25:29,277 --> 00:25:31,154 ♪ I put a spell on you ♪
637 00:25:33,823 --> 00:25:38,245 ♪ Because you're mine ♪
638 00:25:38,328 --> 00:25:42,666 ♪ Oooh ♪
639 00:25:52,259 --> 00:25:54,344 ♪ You know, I can't stand it ♪
640 00:25:54,427 --> 00:25:56,805 ♪ You're running around ♪
641 00:25:56,888 --> 00:26:00,433 ♪ You know better, daddy ♪
642 00:26:01,309 --> 00:26:04,437 ♪ I can't stand it 'Cause you put me down ♪
643 00:26:05,188 --> 00:26:06,940 ♪ Oh ♪
644 00:26:07,566 --> 00:26:10,026 ♪ I put a spell on you ♪
This transcript is for educational use only. Not to be sold or auctioned.