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The Shame Wizard” CREATED BY Nick Kroll | Andrew Goldberg | Mark Levin | Jennifer Flackett EPISODE 2.03 “The Shame Wizard” As Nick tries to figure out whether he has a shot with Gina, a mortifying encounter with Leah sends Andrew into a spiral of shame. WRITTEN BY: Victor Quinaz DIRECTED BY: Joel Moser ORIGINAL BROADCAST: October 5, 2018 NOTE: This is a transcription of the spoken dialogue and audio, with time-code reference, provided without cost by 8FLiX.com for your entertainment, convenience, and study. This version may not be exactly as written in the original script; however, the intellectual property is still reserved by the original source and may be subject to copyright. MAIN EPISODE CAST Nick Kroll ... Nick Birch / Maury the Hormone Monster / Coach Steve Steve / Rick the Hormone Monster / Pubes (voice) John Mulaney ... Andrew Glouberman / Detective Florez (voice) Jessi Klein ... Jessi Glaser (voice) Jason Mantzoukas ... Jay Bilzerian (voice) Jenny Slate ... Missy Foreman-Greenwald (voice) Fred Armisen ... Elliot Birch / Bob the Hormone Monster (voice) Maya Rudolph ... Diane Birch / Connie the Hormone Monstress / Principal Barren (voice) Jordan Peele ... Featuring Ludacris (voice) Bobby Cannavale ... Gavin the Hormone Monster (voice) Neil Casey ... Detective Dumont / D.N. Ape (voice) Jessica Chaffin ... Shannon Glaser / Grace (voice) Jon Daly ... Judd Birch (voice) Kat Dennings ... Leah Birch / Lorriane the Hormone Monstress (voice) Nathan Fillion ... Nathan Fillion (voice) John Gemberling ... Tyler the Hormone Monster (voice) Natasha Lyonne ... Suzette / Intellect Sphinx (voice) Gil Ozeri ... Brad (voice) Andrew Rannells ... Matthew (voice) Jean Smart ... Depression Kitty (voice) David Thewlis ... Shame Wizard (voice) Joe Wengert ... Stan the Hormone Monster / Ambition Gremlin (voice) 1 00:00:10,301 --> 00:00:12,053 [Nick] Gina did the funniest thing last night. 2 00:00:12,137 --> 00:00:13,847 I asked her what she was doing this summer, 3 00:00:13,930 --> 00:00:15,807 and she sent me an ISIS recruitment video. 4 00:00:15,890 --> 00:00:17,225 -[laughs] That's funny. -Right? 5 00:00:17,308 --> 00:00:19,436 Man, they're gonna be the end of civilization. 6 00:00:19,519 --> 00:00:21,563 -Nick! Over here! Alley-oop! -[Nick grunts] 7 00:00:21,646 --> 00:00:22,480 [groans] 8 00:00:22,564 --> 00:00:25,442 Oh, I should've filmed that. Gina loves basketball fails. 9 00:00:25,525 --> 00:00:28,862 Hey, um, isn't she kind of with Devon now? 10 00:00:28,945 --> 00:00:33,616 Oh, yeah. I heard they cheesed each other in the library until it was hot fondue. 11 00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:35,744 -I don't think that's true. -But they are dating. 12 00:00:35,827 --> 00:00:38,079 Eh, it's fine. We're friends. For now. 13 00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:40,206 Nickie's right. Even if a guy likes me, 14 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:41,624 -we can still be friends. -Totally. 15 00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,626 I'm friends with a lot of guys that like me. 16 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,211 Oh, yeah. 17 00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:48,089 [Maury grunts] 18 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:51,301 You noticed some of the butt is on the outside of the bathing suit? 19 00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:53,762 I did. You have a keen eye for detail. 20 00:00:53,845 --> 00:00:56,306 -How the light glints off of her mound. -Okay. God! 21 00:00:56,389 --> 00:01:00,769 Nick, you're such a sucker. Gina is using you for your friendship. 22 00:01:00,852 --> 00:01:03,855 -She's putting you in the friend zone. -The friend zone is not a real thing. 23 00:01:03,938 --> 00:01:05,356 You mean like the Jay spot? 24 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:07,984 I think you mean the G-spot, and maybe that's real? 25 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,903 -I don't know. -No, I mean the Jay spot. 26 00:01:09,986 --> 00:01:12,280 All I know is, I actually like getting to know Gina. 27 00:01:12,363 --> 00:01:13,198 -What? -For real. 28 00:01:13,281 --> 00:01:14,449 I'm so proud of you, Nicholas! 29 00:01:14,532 --> 00:01:17,160 And the G-spot is very real. Ask your mother. 30 00:01:17,243 --> 00:01:18,661 -She's hit mine several times. -[chuckles] 31 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,497 -Gross. -Who wants a quinoa burger? 32 00:01:20,580 --> 00:01:22,373 Well, if lunch is almost ready, 33 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:24,918 I am going to pop over to the little boys' room. 34 00:01:25,001 --> 00:01:26,002 I'm sorry I said that. 35 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,421 -Just pee in the pool, dude. -No, Jay. That's gross. 36 00:01:28,505 --> 00:01:30,882 I've literally been peeing through this entire conversation. 37 00:01:30,965 --> 00:01:33,426 -Jay! -I think I'm sick. It just won't stop. 38 00:01:33,510 --> 00:01:35,428 -Jesus! -I've been drinking a lot of pool water. 39 00:01:37,222 --> 00:01:39,641 They never keep the good drugs in the pool house. Ha! 40 00:01:39,724 --> 00:01:43,603 Hark! I am the beast, and Leah's bathing suit, 'tis the sun. 41 00:01:43,686 --> 00:01:45,355 -[Andrew gasps] -Half of her ass was in there. 42 00:01:45,438 --> 00:01:46,481 You should take a whiff. 43 00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:49,150 No! I'm not gonna do that. Nick's whole family is out there. 44 00:01:49,234 --> 00:01:51,194 Come on. Did you see the wedgie she had? 45 00:01:51,277 --> 00:01:53,947 -That chip was dragged through the salsa. -Oh! 46 00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:56,074 Wow, it sure was though, wasn't it? 47 00:01:56,157 --> 00:01:58,493 Come on. It's just us. Nobody's gonna know. 48 00:01:58,576 --> 00:02:00,411 -Eat up, fat boy. -Yeah, I could have a snack. 49 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,163 -Here we go. Take a whiff. -[sniffs] 50 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:03,498 Well? What say you? 51 00:02:03,581 --> 00:02:05,166 It mostly just smells like chlorine, 52 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:08,002 but I know that her wet, naked body was against it. 53 00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,462 Good boy. Make it personal. 54 00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:12,132 Leah thinks it's responsible that you wear a UV shirt. 55 00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:14,134 Yes, she does, 'cause taking care of your skin 56 00:02:14,217 --> 00:02:15,593 means you take care of yourself. 57 00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:18,388 -And Leah notices that. -And her skin is so beautiful. 58 00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,515 Yeah, the mom's skin is not bad either. 59 00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:22,058 No, not the mom. Leah! 60 00:02:22,142 --> 00:02:23,560 I want Leah! [gasps] Hi! 61 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:27,647 [all screaming] 62 00:02:27,730 --> 00:02:29,941 ["Changes" playing] 63 00:02:30,024 --> 00:02:35,947 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 64 00:02:39,242 --> 00:02:45,498 ♪ I'm going through changes ♪ 65 00:02:47,083 --> 00:02:48,293 ♪ In my life ♪ 66 00:03:00,805 --> 00:03:03,975 [all screaming] 67 00:03:04,475 --> 00:03:06,060 [giggles] Oh, my God! 68 00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:07,478 -I'm sorry! -Oh, my God! 69 00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:09,439 -[Leah groans] -Fuck! Shut the door already! 70 00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:11,316 [chuckles] Okay. Oh, my God! 71 00:03:11,399 --> 00:03:13,735 -Holy fucking shit! What do I do? -Finish. 72 00:03:13,818 --> 00:03:16,988 -Absolutely not. It's a nightmare. -The nightmare's not finishing. 73 00:03:17,071 --> 00:03:18,615 -It's unhealthy. -Gotta get out of here. 74 00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:21,492 I don't see a sign anywhere that says, "Don't jerk off to our daughter." 75 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:22,577 It's implied! 76 00:03:22,660 --> 00:03:24,621 They gotta make this stuff clear, friend. 77 00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,456 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 78 00:03:26,539 --> 00:03:30,001 Dr. Birch, can I eat my quinoa burger in the pool? I'm still peeing. 79 00:03:30,084 --> 00:03:31,961 Jay, honey, I'm honestly a little concerned.
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