An interview with Deb and Ron DeArmond, Authors of Don’t Go to Bed Angry: Stay Up and Fight

It’s a familiar scenario: He doesn’t understand what she’s really upset about, and she has trouble getting him to see her point of view. In every , there is conflict. In their new book, Don’t Go to Bed Angry: Stay Up and Fight (Abingdon Press, June 21, 2016), Deb and Ron DeArmond give couples tools to fight fair when conflicts arise.

“Conflict is not the real problem,” note the authors. “It’s how we deal with the conflict that determines where it takes us. Conflict can lead to discovery — greater insight and understanding of our partner’s thoughts, feelings, and perspective — or destruction of the relationship. It’s up to us to choose which direction we will go: discovery or destruction.”

Q: How evenly matched were the two of you when you married to deal with the conflict you experienced? What influences played into that?

During our three-year courtship there weren’t too many areas we hadn’t discussed. But marriage was a whole new ballgame. There were issues like money and sex to deal with that were brand new. And just as often it was the little things that got away from us and created conflict. Big or little issues, we weren’t very prepared to deal with them. So much of that can be attributed to our experiences growing up. We have great , but we had to “find our way” when it came to understanding ways to disagree without damaging the relationship — or one another.

I (Deb) came from a home where I never heard my quarrel and honestly don’t think they ever did. I had no problem expressing myself; times of conflict didn’t scare me, but I was under-skilled to deal with it. I was born late in my parents’ lives; my only sibling was in college by the time I turned two, so it was like being an only (and often spoiled) child. Therefore I was self-centered enough to think it should always go my way. Marriage poked holes in that myth very quickly.

I (Ron) had come from a blended with challenges in the mix. Asking questions about situations and speaking up to express your opinion was not always welcome. Sometimes it didn’t feel safe. Staying off the radar was an everyday mission. So I learned to suppress my thoughts, lest it become something I didn’t intend it to be: volatile or hurtful.

Q: How has the conflict changed throughout the years of the marriage? Do you still experience conflict about the same kinds of things?

We disagree over the little things these days and very seldom conflict on major issues. If we were still working on the big things, I don’t think we’d have stayed married for 40 years. We aren’t the kind of people who could have accepted lack of agreement over life issues — faith, , trust, money, — and just tried to muddle through. There’s nothing so sad as a couple that has lost their connection and lack the intimacy that only comes from agreement. So, yes, we have conflict, but are more skilled and therefore more successful in dealing with it successfully.

Q: The book says a conflict can be a positive element in your marriage. Please tell us more about that.

Please understand when we say conflict can be positive, we are not saying that fighting and quarreling without restraint or respect is what we had in mind. But when we hear a couple say, “We never have conflict,” we are doubtful. It’s hard to believe that two individuals always share identical opinions, preferences or approaches. Just because it’s quiet in the house doesn’t mean there’s peace or agreement. Sometimes the couple no longer has the interest or energy to engage in the conversation. One may be the “more expressive” and the other feels bullied. Sometimes one or both just resign themselves to “it’s just not worth the effort,” so they choose silence and go along to get along. But avoidance is not the path to peace.

1 Conflict doesn’t have to be ugly. It can bring issues to the table that, once resolved, brings us closer together where agreement is genuine, not lip service. Ignoring issues is easier — it’s not better. The Word says, “How can two walk together unless they are agreed?” (Amos 3:3). Marriage without a path together is not what God intended. But we see couples sharing the same home yet living separate lives. There’s so much more available to those willing to fight — together — to achieve it.

Q: You suggest that conflict lead to discovery or to damage. How does it lead to discovery? How can it become damaging?

Conflict is typically a result of one issue and two different perspectives. If we can each set aside our own preference in the moment and seek to understand the other’s thoughts, ideas and opinions, we can discover solutions that would not have been possible on our own. Often we are not aware of the possibilities until we listen to one another. Listening is not easy. Our favorite definition of listening is “the willingness to be changed by what you hear.”

That’s tough to do when you are so entrenched in your own opinion that you dismiss the potential “best option” by closing your ears, your mind and your heart to your spouse. Close your heart often enough and the relationship will suffer, sometimes so sufficiently that the damage cannot be undone.

Q: Do you ever find you are unable to come to an agreement? And if so how do you handle that?

It’s our absolute failsafe: We let God be the authority — He has the final word in our life together. We submit to His word in all we endeavor to do. And if we can’t find a definitive direction there, we will pray and ask God’s spirit to guide us to a solution that produces peace for both of us. He’s been faithful to do so.

Q: Tell us a little bit more about how the book is arranged.

We’ve created six categories or themes to explore: Burdens, Baggage, Bridges, Barriers, Boundaries and Blessings. Each one reveals a facet of conflict that brings us closer to solutions. Don’t Go to Bed Angry is not a book of shoulds; it’s filled with practical ideas, conversation starters, and opportunities for self-discovery in every chapter.

My (Deb’s) 30-year career in helping adults develop the skills to communicate effectively and resolve conflict is very present throughout the book. It’s not helpful to know you should if you don’t know how. Ron’s experience in men’s ministry for nearly as many years allows us to cover the range of opportunities couples can capture.

And because we are not therapists, our real-life experiences in a successful 40-year, faith-filled marriage are our final credentials. Without the scriptures as our textbook and God’s spirit to guide us, we’d have messed it up long ago.

Q: Baggage sounds like an interesting topic. How does it relate to conflict?

Baggage is the “stuff” we bring to the relationship. It’s a composite of our experiences at home, school and work. Our family, friends and everyone who had any influence in our life contributes to how we deal with conflict.

Some of our experience may be valuable; it provides insight on successful methods as well as approaches to avoid. But often it may teach us that conflict must be avoided at all costs. Sometimes our example is that “he who is loudest, wins.” And we may misunderstand the signature scripture, “Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.” We examine that carefully in the book.

Bottom line: Baggage can weigh us down, dragging the energy and life out of our marriage. Sometimes it’s better left by the side of the road. We help couples learn to do that.

Q: Tell us a little bit about what the boundaries of dealing with conflict appropriately might be or include?

2 Boundaries provide safety for both parties physically, emotionally and mentally. We established “rules” to ensure that discovery, not damage is our outcome.

Examples of our rules include the that either party can call a “time out” if they feel too emotional to deal with it in the moment. The question then becomes, “When can we come back to discuss it?” and a time is established.

Another example is that no one is allowed to get in the car and drive off! It’s not a safe practice for us or anyone else on the road we may encounter.

Obviously anything physical is off the table. We suggest couples establish the rules together, using the scriptures as their baseline, and we offer some suggestions and guidelines for that process.

Q: What was it like to collaborate on a book together? Did that create any conflict?

It was a wild ride at times! There were two heads and two hearts involved, but we knew there could only be one set of hands on the keyboards. We didn’t always remember things exactly the same way, and “owning” our own stuff was sometimes a challenge. So, yes! The process created some conflict. And we realized we are exceptionally qualified to co-author this book: We’ve been disagreeing for 40 years!

Truthfully, the conversations of our four decades together reminded us how much mercy, grace and peace God has established in our life. It was very sweet to examine our life together, putting it under the microscope. There are plenty of things we wish we’d have done differently (and I’m sure God does too), but we are still very much in love and best friends after all these years. We serve a good, good Father.

Q: There’s no shortage of books on marriage in the Christian market. What makes this book different?

Our research reinforces a sad but important truth: Christian are not bulletproof. We are not immune to the potential of failure. And the number of dissatisfied couples seems to be on the rise.

Marriage is a complex relationship, and there are many approaches to protect, correct or resurrect it from the potential ravages of conflict. Many provide insight from personal experiences, while just as many identify the scriptural foundation for success. We combined those methods with practical techniques. This gives couples a path, a plan and the promise of God’s word to achieve the marriage they long for: one aligned with God’s word that honors Him and produces life in their union.

For more information, visit www.debdearmond.com or follow Deb on Facebook (AuthorDebDeArmond) or Twitter (@DebDeArmond).

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