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Home , 1995 World Series, Alemanni, Attaces, Edeko, Gaiseric, Godigisel

CAPTAIN FLASHBACK

A fanzine composed for the 407th distribution of the A Shining Vandal on a Hill: Turbo-Charged Party-Animal Amateur Press A Saga of Barbarian Adventure Association, from the joint membership of Andy Hooper and Carrie Root, residing at 11032 30th Ave. In the bad old days when history was largely NE Seattle, WA 98125. E-mail Andy at interpreted as a series of military and dynastic [email protected], and you may reach Carrie at struggles, certain dates acquired a totemic [email protected]. This is a Drag Bunt Press significance. They helped summarize complex Production, completed on 5/18/2020. and ongoing events and fixed them to a moment which every school child was expected to CAPTAIN FLASHBACK is devoted to old remember. Most of us still recall a few of these – fanzines, ’s Empire, the Justinian Reconquest the year fourteen hundred and ninety-two, when and other fascinating phenomena of the . Columbus sailed the ocean blue, for example. All material by Andy Hooper unless indicated. Depending on where you grow up, dates like Contents of Issue #18: July 4th, 1776, or Easter Sunday, 1916, have a Page 1: A Shining Vandal on a Hill: significance that most find easy to remember. A Saga of Barbarian Adventure Page 2: A Key to Interlineations in Issue #17 Writers speculating on historical alternatives Page 18: Comments on Turbo-Apa #406 find such dates convenient points of reference, Page 22: Fanmail from some Flounder: since even a reader largely ignorant of history Letters to CAPTAIN FLASHBACK will recognize turning points like the Battle of Page 24: I Remember Entropy Department: Gettysburg or the French Revolution. “The Feast of Calabashes” by Randy Byers, Alternatives such as a victorious Confederacy, a from GLOSS #1, May 2000. French Empire which survives Napoleon or a

North America colonized by Sung treasure ships, present differences so striking that any reader is likely to notice them. Staving off the fall of is another close contender for favorite alt. history premise, and it lacks some of the odious political implications of promoting a Southron in the American Civil war. Atheists and other radicals are always beguiled by the possibility that the emperor Constantine might never have embraced or acted to protect it during his reign. Others look at his decision to establish a new seat of Imperial government at Byzantium as the beginning of the end. But rather than trying to restore the pagan splendors of the Republic, most speculative writers have tried to prop up the later Christian Empire against the Barbarian tides and prevent the advent of what Siliqua of Gaeseric (389 – 477 AD) we glibly referred to as the “Dark Ages.” Greatest of Vandal kings [Continued Next Page] ------Issue #18, May 2020 ------

1 ------A Key to Linos published in April in CAPTAIN FLASHBACK #17: Page 3: “Something in the wind has learned my name.” Lyric, “Top of the World,” Richard Carpenter and John Bettis, 1972 Page 4: “We had to come down in this flea-bitten border town.” & Page 5: “And you would drag me to this dive. This un-upholstered sewer.” Litany of low-budget misery offered by Doreen Culberson (Paula Hill), Mesa of Lost Women (1953) Page 6: “A crisis can serve to expand our moral imagination.” Senator Cory Booker, March 24th, 2020 Page 7: “Some get spiritual ‘cause they see the light, and some ‘cause they feel the heat.” Lyric from the 1999 song “Conversation with the Devil,” Ray Wylie Hubbard Page 8: “What am I going to do in a submarine” Lyric from the 1978 song “In the Navy” by the Village People Page 9: “Why do you drive on parkways and park on driveways?” Attributed to pitcher Larry Anderson by broadcaster Tim McCarver, Game 1, 1995 . Page 10: “Why, we could dance if there wasn’t so much blood around.” Martha Ritchie (Pat Delany) comments on her husband’s Venusian décor, Zontar, the from Venus (1966). Page 11: “How do you think I communicated with Venus in the first place, Curt?” Dr. Keith Ritchie (Tony Huston) talk ham radio lore, Zontar, the Thing from Venus (1966). Page 12: “What kind of a are you anyway? Makes love to my wife and doesn’t even talk to me?” Montressor (Peter Lorre) Roger Corman’s Tales of Terror (1962). Page 12: “Well, there’s a lot to clean up, but it’s not like there’s a big mess.” Kitchen evaluation, Carrie Root, 2-25-2020 Page 13: “Of course it’s fresh, it’s still frozen.” Reported by Hal O’Brien, 4-18-2020 Page 14: “For some reason, when you said that all I could think of were the words “orthopedic dildo.” Gene Perkins, as quoted by Loren MacGregor in TALKING STOCK #11, June 1973 ------A Shining Vandal on a Hill time, including the printing press, brandy [continued from page 1] distilling and double-entry book-keeping. He co- opts the cashiered into leading the L. Sprague de Camp, who largely invented Gothic forces, and the adventure ends on plans alternate history with his 1939 novel Lest to build ships to reach the Americas. Darkness Fall, immediately turned the classic premise on its head by proposing that the It is a delicious re-imagination of Twain’s Empire might not have been the most ideal “Connecticut Yankee,” and a fascinating effort stewards of civilization available. His time- to jump straight from to the travelling protagonist lands in Gothic in industrial revolution. But the world in which De 535 AD, and immediately starts trying to Camp’s Professor Padway finds himself has “Western Civilization” through the medium of already seen the “end” of the in the Ostrogothic rulers of the peninsula. He the West. The are one of several reasons that the many won by the “Barbarian” peoples occupying territory Byzantine General Belisarius would only paint a controlled by Rome a century or so before, brittle patina of Eastern Orthodox hegemony including the , , , , over the Western Mediterranean, which would , , and . be easily shattered by the expansion of Islam The migration of these people from their into North and Europe in the 8th Century. supposed points of origin in and the The appealed to him as tough, but Baltic countries took centuries to accomplish, fair; they allowed their subjects religious but there is one of those memorable dates that freedom and generally maintained the Roman summarizes their journey, and has by tradition legal and civil codes. He works to prop up their been called the year that the Roman Empire tottering kingdom, by bringing many “fell.” In January of 406 AD, large parties of innovations into the world centuries before their those Barbarian peoples crossed the River

2 near the city of and began a rapid made the crossing on the last day of 405 or 406; expansion into Roman . Rome’s armies had and we’re not quite sure who was involved in been concentrated in the to face the expedition, or just where they went after the an invasion by the Ostrogoths, and there was no first few locations to the west of Mainz. Saint way to stop the mass migration into the West. In of Stridon (347-420) was a witness of Britain, Roman troops mutinied, and would the gathering barbarian horde as it massed in the follow a series of local pretenders and usurpers. northern reaches of the Roman province of , and wrote a letter describing the tribal The migrants did not cooperate in their efforts groups that composed it. But he included some and frequently fought one another for possession historical people like the and the of notable cities. Some of them – two branches , who had mostly disappeared by the of the Vandals, one of the Alans, and the Suebi, beginning of the fifth Century. Jerome probably later called “” – crossed the Pyrenees had trouble telling a Burgundian from a Saxon, in 409 and set up new kingdoms in the provinces but his meaning remains clear: this was the all- of Roman . Some of these kingdoms time barbarian jamboree. would thrive and expand, eventually conquering the coast of as far east as . There had been piecemeal migrations across the The Roman effort to save Italy was also Roman limites for hundreds of years; the overwhelmed, and the Ostrogothic King Alaric Romans had traditionally responded by paying would actually take and plunder the city of the strongest group to guard the frontier against Rome in 410 AD. the others. But in 406, every tribe between the mouth of the River and the lower Do the Funky Gibbon reaches of the Rhine were in motion at the same And so, 406 AD has long been one of those time. The obvious reason for this sense of memorable dates, after which the hog was out of urgency was that most of these people were the tunnel, the genie released from the bottle, being chased out of their previous homes by the and “the Empire” shifted irrevocably from a Asiatic . The Alans, an Iranian people like -speaking state to one that spoke Greek. Of the Sarmatians, arrived in Europe a few decades course, virtually from the moment I first heard before the Huns and started the dominoes falling or read the date, someone has been trying to sell by moving into the steppes north of the Black alternate interpretations of events. The Sea. This triggered a Gothic migration that traditional story was that the crossed would eventually lead to the invasion of Italy. the Rhine on the last day of the year, when But the Huns, who came out of central Asia east unusually cold winter weather caused the river of the Ural mountain range, ran over everyone in to freeze. Actual evidence for this is rather scant; their path – Alans, Goths, and – (1737-1794) included it in his starting in about 380 AD. narrative of The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, published between 1776 By 406, they had been raiding and pushing their and 1788, but no contemporary source way into Europe for 25 years and threatened to corroborates the frozen river story. The Rhine overwhelm two great Empires. The Persians has indeed frozen over for large portions of its nearly lost their capitol to the Huns before length, as recently as 1963, so it is an intriguing staging a furious counterattack. The Huns seized possibility; but a flotilla of ferry boats might a long list of Roman provinces but were also have accomplished the same thing. briefly brought into the Roman sphere in exchange for large cash payments. , the Few of the other elements of the story can be first Hun king whom we know by name, helped confirmed, beyond the fact that a large group of [continued next page] eastern invaders rampaged across at that time. But we’re not quite sure if they ------“I believe that Accounting is a Sacred Science” ------

3 ------“Software,” said Charles Platt in menacing tones, “is a disease.” ------A Shining Vandal on a Hill The was so thoroughly routed that [continued from page 3] the Emperor was apparently killed during the battle, but his body was never defeat the Gothic chief Radagasius, who had recovered from the field. vowed to sacrifice the Christian to his pagan gods. Uldin also helpfully beheaded It is reasonable to suspect that the groups which another Gothic chief who led a rebellion in gathered near the Rhine in late 406 were moved Roman Pannonia. But such accommodations by the same fears which united ’s army with the Empire were strictly temporary. in 378. But there were some significant Ironically, the greatest of Hun leaders, Attila, differences. This coalition seemed to include was also born in the year 406; but his domain every ethnic group on the frontier. It seems to would last only a few years after his death in have originated in the north Balkans, then 453. marched overland a considerable distance to get to the Rhine. And there must have been some While the Huns lasted, they had a galvanic effect kind of communication which alerted other on the people they encountered: Everyone people to this plan because they converged at the wanted to get as far away from them as possible. same place, on the eastern bank near the city of After making clients of the Black Sea Alans, the Mainz. Huns swarmed over the and other Gothic tribes living between the Don and Dnepr A Vandal in Rivers. This had the effect of stampeding the There is some suggestion that the plan might survivors into Thrace, modern Bulgaria. Under a have originated with , who is referred Tervingi Gothic warlord named Fritigern, the to as the King of the Vandals, even though he refugees gathered into a formidable army and really only ruled the Hasdingi, one of the two inflicted an enormous defeat on the Imperial major Vandal tribes. They and their legions at the in 378 AD. counterparts, the , would remain rivals all the way through the march into , and they would form rival kingdoms once they arrived there. The Romans also behaved as if they believed King Godigisel was the unifying force in the coalition. The people living in and around the city of Mainz were Franks; the Romans paid them to attack the Vandals, and Godigisel was killed leading his army in battle. of Tours (538-594), writing over a century later, juxtaposed the crossing with the battle; he claimed that the Franks ambushed the Hasdingi as they crossed the river on December 31st, and the Vandals were saved from destruction when the Alans under King Respindal rode to their rescue. Gregory’s brief description does not mention if the Rhine was frozen at the time, but that might have made an ambush more difficult to arrange. But if the Romans hoped this would break up the migrants and keep them in the east, they were sorely mistaken. Godigisel’s eldest son

Vandal and Alan Warriors by Angus McBride 4 became King of the Hasdingi Vandals and led Who Are Those Guys? the bands which crossed on New Year’s Eve of Barbarians in Profile 406 (or 405) on a destructive march across central and southern Gaul. Alans: They were related to the Sarmatians

th and other horsemen of the steppes, with roots in By the early 5 Century, the Vandals had been in ancient Iran. But they first appeared in the contact with the Roman Empire for more than Caucasian foothills and plains north of the 200 years. Pliny the Elder and both used Caspian Sea, and always maintained a the word “Vandil” as a generic term for all homeland there, despite being dominated at Germanic people. The word might be derived different times by the Khazars, Mongols, from the Vendel region of , one of their Georgians, and Persians. They were notorious potential places of origin. It might also be for the long distances across which they related to the mythic hero Aurvandil, a “shining wandered, frequently serving as mercenaries or warrior” in Norse and . It is . A number of them settled in , also possible that the Vandals are the same where they provided a minted mobility to the people referred to as “” in a number of Armorican and Breton kingdoms. The forename Roman manuscripts from the 2nd and 3rd “Alain” is still particularly common there. They Centuries. continued to form discrete military companies into the 13th Century AD, and their descendants They appeared on the Roman frontier around are now known as “Ossetians.” 155 AD and the Romans promptly hired them to fight in their war against the , Alemanni: Originally resident in Southern another Germanic tribe that wanted to re-locate , the Alemanni were reputed to be inside the Empire. For their service, the Vandals unusually tall, fierce and red-haired people. They were also one of the tribal groups were allowed to settle on land in the modern sometimes included under the name “Suebi.” and . They appear to Archeology suggests they were very thoroughly have been content to live there for several “Latinized,” with architecture, tools and generations, in an increasingly close relationship clothing all following Roman fashion. They with Rome. They adopted Latin quickly and made an invasion of in 268 AD never developed a written form of the Vandalic but were defeated by the Romans at the Battle language. The most famous Roman military of Lake Benacus and contained for the next figure of this era, Flavius , was the son century. In 366, the Alemanni really did cross of a Vandal cavalry commander in Roman the Frozen Rhine to ravage eastern Gaul. They service. were part of the great invasion of 406 and The two (or three) years that the Vandals spent conquered a large portion of Eastern and Central . When Attila’s army arrived, the in Gaul were understandably chaotic, and it was Alemanni were reluctant allies, and were difficult to know which hairy, hungry horde was defeated with him by the Alans and Goths in looting your countryside. The barbarian armies 452. They attempted another invasion of Italy in lacked any of the logistic preparation which the 468 and were repelled again. The Alemannic Roman army brought to a campaign and had no Kingdom stretched from roughly Augsburg to option but to forage off the country as they in the and extended an passed through it. Coupled with the disruption of uncertain distance to the East. It lasted until the agricultural activities that would normally 496, when Clovis, the King of the Franks, replace what they had consumed, any large field conquered the Alemanni; subsequently, both army in the ancient world was a mobile famine. victor and vanquished accepted Christian But the migrants enthusiastically looted and conversion. wrecked the cities in their path as well. ------Thank you, dear boy. But I prefer something made by man…to something made by an oyster. ------

5 ------Smoking a cigarette is like drinking beer from a thimble. ------A Shining Vandal on a Hill More Barbarians in Profile [continued from page 5] : Originally resident in the southern neck of Some groups like the Alemanni and Burgundi modern , the Angles were one of several tribal were eager to find a permanent home in the groups that invaded Britain during the early 5th Century. fertile fields of Gaul and stopped their march The county and historic Kingdom of East Anglia is when they found and depopulated regions that named for them, as is England itself. They were also the seemed hospitable. But the Vandals never seem attributed founders of the Kingdoms of Mercia and th to have made any real attempt to settle in Northumbria. The late 6 Century Gregory I France. Their loose alliance with the Suebi and supposedly encountered a group of enslaved Angle the Alans may have been based on a shared children, and was struck by their wholesome appearance; he made a pun that works in both English and Latin, to restlessness or the desire to get clear of both the effect that such people should naturally have angelic Roman authority and the Huns. The Vandals faces. This allegedly inspired him to send a mission to were noticeably less numerous than many of the attempt their conversion. other migrant peoples and may have craved the strength which friendship with the Suebi and Burgundi: The spoke a Germanic dialect and may have originated in the same region between the Alans could provide. and Rivers in Poland, where the Vandals Whatever their motives, the Vandal alliance stopped during their migration from Scandinavia. The marched into Spain in October of 409, and each Romans noted them for their long hair and unusual of the component groups carved out their own stature, but the Romans thought everyone was a giant. new Kingdoms in the long-peaceful provinces of They were also neighbors of the Alemanni in the Rhineland for several centuries. The Empire eventually Roman Spain. The Hasdingi Vandals pressed on resettled them in the Western and Southeast Gaul. into , in Northwestern Spain and In 411, a Burgundian King named Gundahar teamed up , while the Silingi marched southwest with the Alan King named to elect a rump into Baetica. The Alans and Suevi initially took “Emperor” of Gaul, named . Jovinus then the larger portion of the peninsula, but also had helpfully issued an edict giving the Burgundians and the frontier closest to the chaos in Gaul. They Alans permission to settle on the West bank of the Rhine did not have to wait long for it to catch up to River. No one had a chance to challenge this fabrication them. before the Huns swarmed over the Burgundian Kingdom and impressed them into their horde. After the Huns Get Off My Continent were dispatched, the Burgundians were allowed to return While the Vandals and their associates were to their former environs and also started a new colony in acquiring Spain, the Gothic King Alaric had the Savoy region, with Imperial blessing. The Frankish completed his conquest of Italy with the capture King Clovis took advantage of differences between the of Rome in 410 AD. After sacking Rome, many Burgundian King Gundabad and his brother Godigesel of the Goths had continued west into southern (possibly named for the King of the Hasdingi Vandals} th Gaul and began to settle there. Still menaced by and annexed the Kingdom in the early 6 Century. the Huns in the east, the Romans quickly Franks: A Germanic tribe that were native to the Ems negotiated a treaty with these “” and River basin, near the modern city of Munster. They were put them in charge of their interests in the named for their distinctive weapon, a throwing axe region. In 415, with Roman encouragement, a known as the “Francesa.” There were two major bands, Gothic army marched into Spain, and drove the the , resident in Roman territory from the mid-2nd Century, and the Rhineland Ripurian Franks, Suevi out of several of their cities. The Suevi spent generations trying to seize the Roman City of responded by making war on the Hasdingi and Cologne. They finally took it in 462. The Merovingian occupying portions of Gallaecia. In 418, the Dynasty of the Franks would France from the Visigoths fought an epic battle with the Alans, Rhine to the and was the foundation of the Holy and killed the Alan leader . The Roman Empire. Eventually, “Frank” became a shorthand remaining Alans appealed to Gunderic of the name for anyone from Western Europe.

6 Hasdingi, who would pass the title “King of the Yet More Barbarians in Profile Vandals and Alans” on to his successors. Gepids: The Gepids spoke a Germanic dialect and seem But for the rest of Gunderic’s reign, things to have been closely related to the Goths. Their Kingdom continued to deteriorate. The Suevi, driven into a spread across parts of Serbia, Hungary, and Romania. smaller territory, accepted a Roman offer to join They were conquered by the Huns and formed a critical a campaign against the Vandals. The Silingi part of Attila’s heavy cavalry vanguard. After his death, the Gepid King Ardaric led a coalition of people formerly were also attacked by a Roman expedition and enslaved by the Huns against an army led by Attila’s suffered a major defeat. Gunderic marched south sons, and won their freedom at the in 454 to join them, leaving Gallaecia to the Suevi, then AD. The Byzantine General Mundus (or Mundo), who led spent the in a perpetual campaign to drive armies in the reign of Justinian, was most probably King the Romans back out of Spain. He defeated a Ardaric’s grandson. The Gepids struggled with the Romano-Gothic army at Cordoba in 422, then Ostrogoths for decades, with little success. The Gepid took the cities of Cartagena and Seville, in 425. Kingdom persisted until the Lombards and Avars Taking advantage of ships captured from the conquered them in 562, with the blessing of the Eastern Romans, he then sent expeditions to raid the Empire. The skull of last Gepid King was Balearics and the northernmost points in Africa. turned into a drinking vessel by the Lombard King . Relatively little is known about the Gepid culture These naval raids suggested a way for the or language; the word “Gepid” is derived from the Vandals to escape the perpetual struggle for Lombard word for “slow-witted” or “thick,” and certainly Spain. King Gunderic died in 428, and was was not the name which they called themselves. succeeded by his half-brother , who was determined to go on searching for a secure Greuthungi: They were a Gothic tribal group settled on homeland. He defeated another attack on Baetica the Steppes north of the Black Sea, between the Don and Dniester Rivers. Their displacement by the Huns initiated by the Suevi, then built a large fleet and used it the long war between the Goths and the Empire, and the to carry the entire Vandal nation across the Greuthungi were a major part of the army which defeated Straits of to in 429. the Romans at Adrianople in 378. Some group of these The people of Western North Africa, then called broke away and moved Northwest into the Balkans, but they were defeated by the Emperor , and resettled , had been reluctant subjects of the in Phrygia in Western Anatolia. The Amala dynasty Roman Empire since the defeat of in which produced some of the most important Ostrogothic 146 BC. Although they had little in common Kings, began as the leaders of a Greuthungi enclave with the Vandals, the fact that the tall, blonde within Attila’s Hunnic Empire. strangers intended to take Africa away from the : The Heruli spoke a Germanic dialect, and most Empire was enough to convince the Moors to likely arose along the middle reaches of the Danube in join Gaiseric’s army. Between 429 and 435, the modern Serbia and Croatia. They were remarkably well- Vandals captured Roman Morocco and , traveled – groups of Heruli settled in southern Denmark, and took the rich city of (Annaba, in the steppes North of the Black Sea, and bodies of Algeria) after a bitter siege. The Romans agreed Heruli troops in Roman service. were quartered in to terms very favorable to Gaiseric in 425, and Northern Italy. Some of them fought along the Persian he sent his son Hunneric to Rome as a hostage. frontier, and others against the Picts in Northern Britain. But when the Romans left the City of Carthage Phares, a Heruli commander, was well-trusted by Belisarius and often operated on his own. Other Heruli largely undefended in 439, Gaiseric could not th resist taking it. When he did so, he captured remained in their homeland along the Danube into the 5 most of the Western Roman fleet sitting at Century and were included in the mass of “Suevi” that accompanied the Alans and Vandals into Spain. They anchor in the harbor and was suddenly the were reported raiding along the Gascon coast in the . greatest naval power in the Western Those Heruls who had remained behind in Central Europe ! [Continued Next Box]

------May I never be separated from this Purple. ------

7 ------Can peace be gained until I slasp my wombat? ------A Shining Vandal on a Hill Still More Barbarians in Profile [continued from page 7] Heruli, Continued: supported the rebel Flavius Odacer Now the Vandals, who had gone from an army in 476 and took heavy losses when he was defeated by composed of wild warriors on foot to an almost the Ostrogoths in Italy. The Empire resettled bands of all-mounted force in Africa, became the Vikings Heruli in several places ravaged by the Plague of of the 5th Century, and swarmed over , Justinian, including Syria. They were strong enough to , and back to the Balearic take over the old Kingdoms of the Sciri and the Suevi in the but got caught in the struggle between the Islands. With Gaiseric’s fleet piratically Gepids and Lombards, different groups serving with threatening all commerce on Italy’s western both sides. By the end of the , they had been coast, the Romans had no choice but to incorporated into the Avar Empire. recognize the Vandal Kingdom as an independent entity in 442 and agreed that the Huns: The remarkably numerous Huns created an Empire that stretched from the Persian Gulf to Eastern former Roman possessions of Carthage and France. But it was a fleeting institution, and the Huns Mauretania were now legitimate portions of that were largely expelled from Europe by the end of the 5th Kingdom. Gaiseric’s son Hunneric was Century, leaving relatively little evidence of their betrothed to the Western emperor Valentinian’s existence. It is possible that they were related to North daughter Eudocia. Asian nomads known as the Xiongnu, or a similar band known as the Iranian Huns, but it is difficult to find In 445, Valentinian was murdered on the order evidence for either idea. The romantic notion that the of a usurper named Petronius Maximus, and barbarian migrations were inspired by the construction Gaiseric interpreted this as nullifying his treaty and improvement of the Great Wall of China is with the deposed Emperor. He brought a large probably hokum, but the Huns faced far less-organized force to Italy by sea and marched on Rome. The resistance by turning their attention to the West. usurper fled rather than face battle and was Attila was probably the most feared of all the barbarian killed by a mob outside the City. kings; his exploits would echo for centuries and were came out to confront the Vandals; he exhorted even incorporated into the saga of the Niebelungen. Gaiseric to spare the people and buildings of the Certain fragments of the Hun Empire – the Sabiri Huns ancient city; and as Gaiseric agreed that he of the Caucasus and the or “White” Huns would do so, the gates were flung open to him. of Central Asia -- persisted into the 7th Century. What followed was 14 continuous days of : The Jutes originated in the Jutland peninsula of looting and debauchery. Gaiseric kept his word Denmark and were part of the wave of Continental rd not to burn the city or slaughter its inhabitants. tribes that invaded Southern Britain in the 3 Century. But his troops did pry away just about every They were connected to the and may have been related to the and of Southern Sweden. piece of or silver and every precious stone Their language was likely a Germanic dialect, but no in the City, and took many prominent citizens trace of it has survived. There is some evidence that the hostage, to be held for payment of ransom. The Jutes had adopted more elements of Roman culture former Empress and her daughters were also than the Saxons or Angles. They settled particularly in carried away to Carthage, although the marriage the English home county of Kent and on the Isle of of Hunneric and Eudocia probably made their Wight. captivity more pleasant. Limigantes: A particularly hapless early Slavic tribe All these developments were watched with that lived in the area of the Tisza River in modern increasing horror by the Eastern Roman court in Hungary and were enslaved en masse by the Constantinople. In 468, the last major Sarmatians. In 357, they overcame their masters and tried to escape into Imperial territory. They defeated by cooperative effort by the Eastern and Western The Romans with great loss of life, but then permitted halves of the Empire was directed at the to settle in territory seized from their former Sarmatian Vandals. A huge combined Imperial navy sailed overlords. on Carthage. The Vandals lost over 300 ships in

8 the first engagement, but continued to harass the Even More Barbarians in Profile Roman fleet, and eventually forced them to withdraw. In retaliation, Gaiseric launched a Lombards: Another group of Scandinavians who major effort to invade Greece in 470, but this migrated steadily South from the early 2nd Century, was driven back with heavy losses. The pirate forming a Kingdom in the Balkans before eventually th conquering Italy. According to their own traditions, King finally died on January 25 , 477, having the “Langobards” traced their history to a led the Vandals for 48 ridiculous years. Scandinavian tribe known as the Winlli, who migrated Harried by Heresy to the Baltic Coast and then into the interior lands then Gaiseric’s reign was so long that by the time he controlled by the Vandals. When the Vandals died, he was probably one of the last Vandals demanded tribute or battle, the proud Winlli refused to submit. The goddess Freya advised the Winlli women living who had seen the gathering at the Rhine in to tie their hair in front of their faces like men, and to 406. (He was probably 16 or 17 at the time.) The march in line beside them. When the Vandals -- and age of Vandal expansion largely died with him; -- saw so many warriors advancing on them, although the kingdom would show a few further Odin simply declared that the “longbeards” were the bursts of ferocity under the five kings who victors. They may have been vassals of the Saxons for succeeded Gaiseric, they never threatened the a time. In the 4th Century, poor harvests inspired the Eastern Empire’s home provinces again, or Lombards to migrate further South, where they would attempted to expand into the rest of Roman receive Imperial grants of territory in Pannonia. Some Africa and Egypt. Edward Gibbon felt that the Roman writers included them in the coalition of dual effects of Africa’s warm climate and the Germans they called the Suevi, but their own kingdom was populous enough that they were able to luxury enjoyed by the Vandals in the former overwhelm the Gepids and conquer the Italian Roman colonies sapped the Vandals’ martial peninsula in 568. The Lombard Kingdom in Italy ambitions. One might also think that having would endure until it was conquered by the Franks in fought for nearly thirty years to become masters 774. Even after that, there were Lombard of their surroundings, the Vandals had earned a Principalities in Italy that persisted into the 11th slightly indulgent retirement. Century. This predisposition toward peace might have Ostrogoths: The “Eastern” Goths were primarily served Gaiseric’s successors nicely, if not for the members of the Greuthungi, Vesi and Tervingi clans, inevitable intercession of religious differences. and their ruling Amala dynasty was founded while The Vandals had adopted Christianity while still these groups were all in vassalage to Attila and the Huns. It is not accurate to portray “Eastern” and residing in their reservations in modern Hungary Western” divisions within the Goths prior to Alaric’s and but were probably converted by a invasion of Gaul after 410 AD. Some of the soldiers in disciple of the Gothic Bishop Utilas, who wrote their armies were from Rugian clans, and the Franks th a Gothic translation of the Bible in the 4 sent their Burgundian vassals to Italy help the Goths Century. But Utilas’ mission took place at a time fight the Byzantines in 539. After and Theia, when the Arian Christian doctrine, which denies the last Italian Gothic leaders died, the Romans the trinity in favor of an eternal and indivisible allowed the surviving Ostrogoths and Rugians to image of the Father, was in vogue in remain in a badly depopulated Italy. They probably Constantinople and he was also an enthusiastic relished the opportunity to live in peace for a few adherent. The Gothic Bible was taken up by the years, but many Goths and Rugians joined the Lombards when they invaded the peninsula in 568. Vandals, Suevi, Burgundians, Gepids, Lombards and other “Germanic” people, all of whom Quadi: The Quadi were a German-speaking people spread the so-called “Arian heresy” as they who may have had some connections to the Franks; made their migration across Europe. As a they were one of several tribes that were known as devoted Arian, Gunderic had deposed Catholic “Marcomanni” by the Romans, who fought them for [Continued Nesx Box] Bishops in Spain near the end of his reign,

------I’m man enough to simply say, “I’m going to poop,” and I’d be honored to have Ron Howard involved. ------

9 ------They told us there were two fathers, one above and one below. ------A Shining Vandal on a Hill Again Dangerous Barbarians in Profile [continued from page 9] Quadi Continued: possession of modern Bohemia and Gaiseric would be equally rigorous in th between 166 and 180 AD. By the 5 Century and the his promotion of the Arian Church. , the name was largely archaic; yet there were Quadi counted among the loose The persecution of the in Africa confederation that made up the Suevi in 406. Early and the Western Mediterranean was one point were also probably descendants of the Quadi. which the Eastern Roman Empire would find Rugians: Reputed to have originated on the Baltic Coast persistently intolerable in the Vandals. When in modern Pomerania, the migrated South with Hunneric ascended the throne, he understood other Northern tribes like the Lombards and Vandals. this from his long years spent in Rome as a royal They were living along the Tisza River when the Huns hostage, and acted to ease the restrictions on arrived; they did not join the exodus across the Rhine Catholics, and allowed a new Bishop to assume and were incorporated into Attila’s army. After his the Diocese of Carthage. But the long decades death, the Rugii rebelled and created their own state waiting for his Father to expire had probably left known as “Rugiland” in modern . Its first Hunneric a bit overripe as a head of state. He monarch was King Flaccitheus. They were thoroughly had also learned patterns of intrigue from the beaten by the rebel King Flavius Odacer in 486, and the Kingdom eventually overrun by the Lombards. But Roman court, and surreptitiously assassinated bands of Rugians were involved in the Gothic conquest significant swaths of the Hasdingi nobility, who of Italy and were subsequently residents of the Gothic might have posed some challenge to his Kingdom. authority. Gaiseric had codified rules of Saxons: The Saxons were originally natives of the lower succession that called for the eldest blood River region and Baltic coast immediately to the relative of the old King to take his place, and not East and South of Denmark. Early in the Roman necessarily his offspring. This led Hunneric to Imperial period, Saxons became noted as sea-borne dispose of cousins and uncles who were older raiders, operating on the major river systems of Northern than he, further thinning the Vandal warrior Europe. They were closely related to the Angles, with tradition. By the end of his 8-year reign, he had whom they largely co-operated in the invasion of Roman Britain in the 4th and 5th Centuries. The Saxons also returned to his Father’s intolerant policies, established colonies on the Norman coast of France. persecuting Manicheans, and Nicene Christians. They would provide one of the major components of the Hunneric was succeeded by a cousin named “Anglo-Saxon” which would rule some or all in 484. Between the death of of Britain into the . The continental Saxons Gaiseric in 477 and Gunthamund in 496, the remained defiantly pagan for many years, until the epic conflict between the Frankish Emperor Vandals lost large parts of Sicily to the Italian and their (possibly fictional) warlord Witikund ended in Gothic Kingdom and alienated the Moorish and the forced conversion (and subsequent ) of the Berber clans that had helped them conquer Saxon nobility. Modern permutations of Saxony are Roman Africa. Gunthamund was succeeded by dynastic appellations and do not have any real his brother , who would reign until connection to the ethnic Saxons. 523. He lost more territory to the of the Sciri: The Sciri are frequently conflated with the Eastern Atlas Mountains but made several notable Goths, but they were a distinct ethnic group whose name diplomatic connections. He married Amalafrida, allegedly translated as “The Pure Ones.” They were the widowed sister of King Theoderic of the residents of the Dniester River region in what is now Italian Goths and received a dowry which Moldova. There were noted for raids on the Black Sea included the Sicilian port of Lilybaeum and coast but were rolled up into the Hun coalition with most 5000 mounted warriors! wrote that of their neighbors. After the Huns were overthrown, the Thrasamund was a “very special friend” of the Sciri set up a Kingdom in the [middle Danube River Roman Emperor Anastasius. [Continued Next Box]

10 Thrasamund was succeeded by Hunneric’s The Neverending Barbarians in Profile eldest surviving son . His mother was Eudocia, daughter of the late Emperor Sciri Continued: region. This lasted for only about a Valentinian, and this made him a fascinating decade before it was conquered by the Eastern Goths figure to the high society of the Eastern Empire. under Theoderic. The survivors fled into Italy and the He was a very particular chum of the future protection of the Roman army. , the son of the Sciri King Edeko, became a General in command of Emperor Justinian, a frequent guest in his home, federated troops in Italy. In 476, he deposed the child and the two men exchanged large cash gifts. He Emperor Romulus and declared himself favored the Catholic Church because it was his King. Young Romulus, who “reigned” from October Mother’s faith and promoted it in Carthage to 475 to September 476, was the last Emperor of the the disgust of the Vandal nobility. He ; and therefore, his deposition imprisoned his predecessor’s widow Amalafrida is another date which have pointed to as “the and would have faced an invasion by her end” of the Roman era in the West. brother Theoderic the Great if the latter had not Suevi: The Suevi are a challenge to define or identify, died in 526. particularly in the 5th Century. They were at one time a distinct and organic tribe of early German-speaking Hilderic was in his 50s by the time he became people, who were native to the Elbe River basin in King, and he left military affairs to a nephew modern Germany and the Czech Republic. Julius named Hoamer, who was his preferred successor identified them as a distinct group, different as well. But his Catholic religion was too from the Marcomanni, and part of ’ army provocative to the Vandal elite. When Hoamer when the German warlord invaded Gaul around 60 BC. suffered a defeat against the Moors in 533, Arian But Tacitus, and several others noted that there leaders orchestrated a coup and Hilderic was were several tribal groups incorporated into the Suevi, deposed by a cousin called . Gelimer and altogether, they constituted half the tribal promptly made Arian Christianity the state population of all . There were several large religion again. When the Romans sent envoys to nations within the Suevi Confederation, but it is not ask that Hilderic be restored to the throne, clear how many of them were still important by the Rhine Crossing in 406. But the presence of differing Gelimer responded by having Hoamer blinded, factions in the Suebi Kingdom might be one reason and put his brother and uncle under why the Vandals had wildly varying relations with confinement, claiming they had plotted against them, sometimes within the span of a single year. him. When a second ambassador appeared to protest this treatment, Gelimer replied that They built their Kingdom in Iberia in the region first occupied by the Hasdingi Vandals in Northwest Spain Justinian had no authority over his Kingdom and and Portugal. The Capitol was at Braga. It reached its could not make such demands. greatest extent in the when it controlled most of The Vandals at Sunset Modern Spain and Portugal. They would remain an This was a challenge to which Justinian felt he independent entity through 585 AD, when King must reply. He negotiated a truce in his war with Leovigild of the Visigoths annexed their territory. the Persian Empire and dispatched the expert Taifals: The Taifali were referred to as a Gothic people General Belisarius to redress Gelimer’s insult, by some contemporary writers, but they spoke an and if possible, restore Hilderic to the throne. Iranian/Sarmatian dialect, and were probably more closely related to the Alans. They were displaced by the Justinian also sent agents to encourage rebellion th in the Vandal provinces of Sardinia and Huns in the 4 Century, and entered the Roman sphere, where they were first antagonists and later loyal units . Gelimer made the mistake of of the Roman army. After serving in wars against the sending his brother Tzazon with the bulk of the Huns and Goths, many Taifali were settled in Gaul, Vandal army to Sardinia in response. This was near modern Poitou. Like the Alans, they provided a still going on when the Romans landed on the mounted elite corps to the Merovingian Franks. coast near Carthage in September of 533. ------They lied. There was ever only the devil. ------

11 ------Remember, in a pirate ship, in pirate waters, in a pirate world, ask no questions. ------A Shining Vandal on a Hill A Few More Barbarians in Profile [continued from page 11] Tervingi: An Eastern Gothic people, they lived West of Roman armies in this period were a shadow of the Don River, and were neighbors of the Greuthungi. the many tens of thousands which had swelled They were part of a large Gothic invasion of Roman the legions in earlier centuries. Even though Pannonia in 268 but were turned back at the Battle of Gelimer’s best and most experienced troops Naissus. In the , The Roman Emperor Valens led an were busy on Sardinia, he was still able to put expedition against the Tervingi but found it hard to several thousand more soldiers on the field than defeat them when they dispersed into the Southern Belisarius. The two armies met at a place called . Fritigern, who asked for Roman th protection in 376, then killed Valens in the Battle of Ad Decimum on September 13 . Perhaps Adrianople, was probably the Chief of the Tervingi. Gelimer was seduced by his role as the new Because the Visigothic Kings invoked the authority of Warlord of Carthage into thinking that he could the Tervingi “Judge” or “Judex” in their oath, it has been use the great Punic General ’s tactics assumed that they were Tervingi in origin. against the Romans. He planned an elaborate Thuringian: A Germanic people native to the Harz double envelopment of the Roman army, as Mountains. They were included in the list of German Hannibal had done at the in tribes that were impressed into Attila’s army. They may 216 BC. The Vandals nearly succeeded in have expanded into territory abandoned by the Suevi closing the trap, but then Gelimer discovered the after 406 but were in control of the entire Elbe basin by body of his brother Ammatas, who had been the end of the 5th Century. They were frequent killed while leading a mounted reconnaissance antagonists if the Merovingian Franks, who conquered th of the Roman vanguard. Gelimer lost all them in the 6 Century. They broke away again under a enthusiasm for the fight, and the attack fell charismatic named Radulf in the but were apart. The Vandals moved west to Bulla Regius, back under Frankish authority within a few decades. The King’s annual tribute in Pigs continued to be collected and left Belisarius to take possession of from the Thuringians through the 10th Century. Carthage and its all-important harbor. Turcilingi: The Turcilingi may have been an Eastern Sadly, Belisarius discovered that Gelimer had Gothic tribe in the same family as the Herul and the ordered Hilderic, Hoamer and their families Sciri, or “Turcilingi” have been a composite for those murdered as soon as the Roman expedition tribes which escaped from Hunnic domination and landed. Many of the inhabitants of Carthage had settled in the Danube River region. thought that been waiting for this day since their Flavius Odoacer was the King of the Turcilingi rather grandparents were young, and they hailed the than the Sciri, but no other sources support this idea. If return of Roman authority. Meanwhile, Gelimer they were a legitimate ethnic group within the Gothic gathered more troops from the cities of Vandal polity, they gradually lost their separate identity within Theoderic’s Italian kingdom. Africa and waited for Tzazon to return from Sardinia. The much-enlarged army marched Vandals: There is little information regarding the back toward Carthage and cut the aqueduct Vandals’ way of life before their migration to Spain. providing water to the city. This forced Archeology conducted in the regions where they lived Belisarius to march out to face the Vandal army suggests that the Vandals and other 4th Century people living near the Danube River were most sedentary near its camp at Tricamarum. Only the mounted farmers, with little evidence for seasonal or nomadic portion of his army was engaged, not including movements. Very few writers are very complimentary of the 500 Hun auxiliaries who were thought the Vandal Kingdom’s society in Africa. They seem to unreliable and kept in reserve. Badly have been despotic bullies, who oppressed the former outnumbered, the Roman cavalry were led by Roman citizens of their cities and largely ignored the the experienced John of Armenia, who directed wishes of the Moors and Berbers living all around them. repeated charges into the Vandal center. Tzazon [Continued Next Box] was killed in one of these charges, and again, the Vandals lost heart at the death of their most

12 respected commander. The Vandal army The Last Dangerous Barbarians in Profile dissolved, and Gelimer fled into the Numidian Vandals Continued: After a generation spent wilderness with only a few loyal friends. perpetually fighting in Spain, they seem to have The Roman cavalry chased him for five days. become ill-suited for productive employment and tried They were within a mile or two of his hiding to increase their fortunes primarily through raiding and place when the venerated John of Armenia was piracy. While other migratory people such as the Goths killed in an accident. Heartbroken, now it was did their best to settle into a Romanized way of life, the Vandals seem to have had little interest in the Empire, the Romans who stopped to mourn, allowing until their ruling families were seduced by contact with Gelimer to slip away again. He made it to Hippo the Eastern court. Regius, where he ordered his secretary to load the Vandal royal treasury onto a ship, with the Visigoths: A somewhat artificial distinction within the plan of sailing to Spain. The winds never Gothic people, based on the split that followed Alaric’s conquest of Rome in 410. Those Goths who wanted to allowed the ship to leave, and the secretary keep going into Gaul and beyond became known as traded (most) of the treasure in exchange for his “Visigoths” while those still in Italy were termed life. Gelimer withdrew to a small mountain “Ostrogoths.” Neither of the people so designated ever fortress called Medeus and Belisarius dispatched used the term. The name “Visigoth” was derived from a a chief named Phares with 400 Herul foederati Gothic tribal group, the Vesi. Some of the Goths who to keep him there. The Herul, unrepentant went to Gaul were from the Vesi, but it is likely that barbarians, grew impatient and tried to assault many more were from the Tervingi tribe. The the city, losing 100 men. But Gelimer and his began as a narrow territory around followers were soon starving, and Gelimer had the Loire River, but after the Hun coalition was to surrender in March of 634. defeated, it expanded steadily, eventually incorporating most of Southern and Western France and almost all of Amazingly, he was not executed, or even Iberia. They were defeated by the Moors and Berbers in imprisoned or mutilated in reprisal for his 711, and much of their leadership was killed in the treatment of his rivals. The Romans debated Battle of Guadalete. After this, the kingdom collapsed. giving him patrician honors, but instead he “” merely received a handsome estate in the If there is a case to be made that the Vandals were province of Galatia – a region in what is now somehow more destructive or prone to wanton damage Turkey, rather than the similarly-named region than any other wandering people, it is probably based on of Spain where the Hasdingi Vandals had once their plunder of Rome in 455 AD. Certainly the contrast between Gaiseric’s promises of restraint and his troops’ ruled. He lived in comfort to an advanced age. efficiency in carrying away every portable thing of value Belisarius had restored Roman honor, and more in Rome might explain this, but this is still far from the important, Roman control of the grain trade in indiscriminate damage implied by the word “vandalism.” the Western Mediterranean. He was rightfully The Goths and Vandals are closely related in rhetorical celebrated with a Triumph in Constantinople. history as well as ethnicity; after the Huns, they are given And Gelimer was one of his honored guests. He equal weight in the downfall of Rome, while the Lombards, Suevi and Franks generally evade specific achieved a little measure of additional notoriety responsibility. The term “vandalism” (or “vandalisme”) by blurting out a phrase from Ecclesiastes during was first used in 1794 by Henry Gregoire, Bishop of the show: “Vanity of vanities, all is vanity!” And Blois, to describe the destruction of religious artwork thus did the Vandal monarchy pass into history. during the French Revolution. It proved to be a popular invention and spread quickly across Europe. It reinforced Belisarius had very efficiently rolled up the rest the idea that the Vandals had a particular appetite for of the Vandal kingdom by dispatching military wanton damage. But there is still no real evidence that the missions to explain the change in ownership. Vandals were notably more destructive than their The Roman marines sent to Sardinia brought contemporaries. Tzazon’s head as proof of their sincerity. The ------Thou hast a generous choice; the gallows or the sea. ------

13 ------Now, Marchese, we’re in the dark, where a sword is just a long knife. ------A Shining Vandal on a Hill handed over as well. The Goths demurred, [continued from page 13] which inspired the Roman campaign to recover Italy in 535 AD – which is where we came in remaining Vandals young and vigorous enough with L Sprague de Camp and his Professor for military service were inducted into the Padway, asking if the Romans really were the Roman army and would spend their lives serving best choice to preserve their own institutions and on the Persian frontier. Other Vandals fled to the the light of civilization. Gothic Kingdoms in France and Italy, and many settled in the Algerian port city of Béjaȉa, where Goth to Have All Of Your Love they integrated with the Berber residents. Others One can understand de Camp’s decision to begin may have fled further into the interior of Africa the story with the Vandals already removed from or sailed West along the coast beyond the Straits the picture. The Romans were far less of Gibraltar. Some of the saltiest Vandal enthusiastic about confronting the Italian Goths veterans were taken into Belisarius’ personal when the Vandals and their fleet were guard. A number of Vandal women married theoretically available to support them. And the Byzantine soldiers, who settled in the recovered African provinces remained a source of trouble territories. Roman civilization remained a thin even after most of the Vandals were removed layer of coastal frosting spread over the vast from the region. In late 334, Belisarius had to cake of Northern Africa. return to Carthage to lift a siege by an army of disgruntled veteran soldiers, who were still Justinian found one piece of unfinished business dissatisfied with the degree of religious freedom in the wake of the victory. It was Lilybaeum, the in the country. Belisarius had a tiny force of port in Western Sicily that had been promised to loyalists but attacked suddenly as the rebels tried the Vandals as a wedding present, and then to march around his flanks and routed their angrily retaken when Hilderic imprisoned the whole force. Gothic Princess Amalafrida. Justinian pointed out that as all Vandal territory was now legally The unexpectedly brilliant victory over the restored to the Empire, Lilybaeum should be Vandals made Belisarius the preeminent general of the Empire, but also made him a potential rival to the authority of the Emperor Justinian. The Emperor wanted to keep Belisarius in the field, and far away from Constantinople. The next campaign would be the ultimate act in the restoration of the Empire, retaking Italy – and Rome itself. After Theoderic the Great died, the Italian Gothic kingdom also faced a dynastic schism. The country was ruled by Theoderic’s youngest daughter Amalsuintha, who was regent in the name of her young son . When her son died, Amalasuintha appointed her cousin as her co-ruler. He was part of a virulently anti-Roman faction that opposed the Queen’s close relationship with the Byzantine court, and she hoped the choice would win over her harshest critics. But she misjudged the degree of their resentment. She was deposed and

confined to an island in Lake Bolsena, where she Suevi sword in a Portuguese museum

14 was murdered in the Spring of 535. Theodahad died. The population would not return to its was deposed and executed by Amalasuintha’s former levels until the second half of the 10th son-in-law Vitges, but the death of his queenly Century. In the 150 years between the Crossing pen-pal gave Justinian another justification for of the Rhine and the final Roman expulsion an invasion of Italy. from Italy, its policy of containing migrants from outside the Empire failed catastrophically, The Byzantine invasion came from two as the city of Rome was invaded and looted at directions. Belisarius landed in Sicily and moved least 4 times. Letting the barbarians settle where into the following year. Another they liked within the Empire could hardly have army under the General would attack been more destructive. Gothic territories in on the Adriatic Coast, then move into Northern Italy. It took While the barbarians are rhetorically blamed for five years for the Roman armies to conquer all the fall of the Empire, very few of them could of Italy, including the Gothic capitol at . have even fantasized about such an outcome. But rather than accept defeat, the Goths built a They enthusiastically adopted the civil new army under the leadership of Totila, who institutions and legal codes of the Empire had served as sword-bearer to Theoderic the whenever the opportunity arose. The Empire had Great. Between 541 and 554, Totila regained a never-ending need for soldiers and slaves, and control of much of Italy, including Rome, only many barbarians found themselves fighting their to lose it again to another Byzantine invasion. old comrades under an Imperial banner. The After his death, a lieutenant named Teia tried to Goths, who led the first mass jailbreak into continue resistance, but the Ostrogothic Roman territory in 378, ended up as Europe’s Kingdom was all in Roman hands by 555. final defense against the Huns. The army which defeated Attila near Chalons in 452 was led by Assessing the Damage Alans and Visigoths, and the latter lost their king The 20-year war for Gothic Italy had a terrible th in the struggle. Interestingly, the 6 Century effect on the entire peninsula. In the latter half of Byzanto-Gothic Jordanes claimed that the campaign, productive regions had been the Vandal King Gaiseric was one of Attila’s devastated to deny their crops to the enemy. City only allies and tried to help his cause by walls were pulled down to prevent them inspiring division among the Goths. resisting future sieges and the inhabitants ravaged by recurring epidemics. A pandemic The migration of new peoples into Western which began in 541 was known as “The Plague Europe certainly presented challenges to Roman of Justinian,” and may have killed up to 25% of authority and the Imperial system. But is the Empire’s people. When the war began, the difficult to say if the Empire’s decline was population of Italy was in the vicinity of 7 brought on by barbarian incursion, or if the million; when it was over, only 2.5 million barbarian incursions were brought on by the remained. Some cities which had been Empire’s decline. I think it also difficult to important centers since pre-Roman times were comfortably say that this transition really virtually abandoned. The Romans had only represented a universal cultural loss. The Roman limited control over much of the country, and economy was dominated by its aristocratic class when the Lombards invaded from the Northeast and heavily dependent on slavery. In the in 568, the Romans were soon expelled from Western empire, huge amounts of land were Italy again. held as private , and most people engaged in agriculture were slaves working on one of Historians have characterized this as the real these properties. But in the , beginning of the Dark Ages in Italy, as much of peasant farmers had far more autonomy and its urban culture was lost and 2/3 of all Italians

------Prefab Trout is described as a relaxed summer convention in the autumn. ------

15 ------Two things I can smell inside a hundred feet – burning hamburger and romance. ------A Shining Vandal on a Hill and villages, but large groups of slaves were [continued from page 15] needed to work these new plantations. The long series of wars between the Eastern Roman and usually a much smaller tax burden than they had Persian Empires were punishing to people seen under the Romans. Barbarians also caught between them, and induced resentments introduced a much more robust form of plow which would eventually be expressed by the rise into Western Europe, replacing the Bronze age of Islam as a new source of political and cultural “scratch” plow universal in the Roman world. authority. Certain crops like Rye became common in the West for the first time after the barbarians What still cannot be minimized is the cultural brought them from the East. loss represented by the death of so many in urban societies, the great cities of the ancient The archeological record shows that some areas th th world. This is the time when many of the great were deserted during the 5 and 6 Centuries, works of science and literature created by Greek but many new settlement clusters appeared as and Roman authors were lost. well. In Spain, there was a significant loss of population, as many Roman slaves and citizens Even the history of the barbarians was were either killed or ran away. Agriculture in the compromised by the loss of so many writers and region shifted from growing grain for the Roman their work. The 6th Century Romano-Gothic market to raising herds of horses, donkeys and writer Jordanes is renowned for composing a mules, for trade with the cities of North Africa, lengthy history of the Germanic people known and to provide mounts for all those hell-for- as the “.” It takes the origins of the Goths leather Vandals. back some 2,000 years and included such fanciful elements as their contact with the At the same time, the Eastern empire saw a rise Pharaohs of Egypt and their capture and sack of in industrial farming of olives and grapes, and Troy after the departure of Agamemnon and the the development of new presses for processing Achaeans. Yet this work was itself a synopsis of them into oil and wine. Farmers in the East had a five-volume history written by Cassiodorus, an generally not been slaves, living in small towns Italian-born secretary to King Theoderic the Great. Jordanes admitted that he had to work from memory, as he did not have a copy of Cassiodorus’ work to hand. Jordanes had also been a secretary and notary to the Gothic General Gunthigis, so he too may have known some of the Gothic “Folk Songs” which Cassiodorus used in his history. Sadly, we will never know. No copy or fragment of Cassiodorus’ work has ever been found. This was a time when great sagas, stories that would evolve into tales of and Arthur, Roland and Siegfried were lived, imagined and composed. The moral challenges of those times were represented as dragons and monsters which only the greatest heroes could ever surmount. Who knows what amazing real alliances, betrayals, sacrifices and victories those stories represent? It certainly cannot be described by such a blunt object as “barbarism.” Helmet, 7th Century Boat Grave

16 Select Bibliography: Why Did I Do this? Atwater, Richard, Translator, Procopius of You could attribute it to the Quarantine of 2020; Caeseria, The Secret History, University of during the many hours trapped at home, I looked Michigan Press, 1961 over my sprawling collection of ancient Berndt, Guido M., "Hidden Tracks: On the miniature wargaming armies, and noticed a Vandal's Paths to an African Kingdom", Neglected complete lack of Vandal forces, either the early Barbarians, Studies in the Early Middle Age, 2010 list reflecting them through the years in Spain, or the all-mounted African Vandal army. Bury, John Bagnell, History of the Later Roman Providentially, an eBay seller in California Empire from the Death of Theodosious to the chose that moment to sell a painted army which Death of Justinian, MacMillan, 1923 he said was “suitable for use as Goths or Collins, Roger "Vandal Africa, 429–533", The Vandals.” They needed a little sprucing up; I Cambridge Ancient History. Late Antiquity: gave them new bases, of course. They seem to Empire and Successors, A.D. 425–600, Cambridge be between 35 and 40 years old, including University Press, 2000 models molded by Minifigs and supposedly a Gibbon, Edward, The History of the Decline and few by the much-venerated Mike’s Models. Fall of the Roman Empire, Penguin Classics, 1996 (You can hear my friend Paul Hannah faunching after them even now.) Goldsworthy, Adrian, How Rome Fell, Yale University Press, 2009 Pleased with my new acquisition, I set about looking for opponents they might fight, or a Gordon, C. D., The Age of Attila, University of historical battle scenario. I ended up consuming Michigan Press, 1960 the entire history of the Vandal Kingdom and its Harris, Jonathan, The Lost World of Byzantium, aftermath, my mouth dropping open at several Yale University Press, 2015 points in the story. Edward Gibbon writes about Jordanes, The Origins and Deeds of the Goths them rather as Hunter S. Thompson described the Hell’s Angels and the Kentucky Derby, both Kelly, Christopher, The End of Empire: Attila and of which are phenomena with a strong taint of the Fall of Rome, W. W. Norton Co., 2009 “Vandalism.” I suspect that the Vandals severely Mango, Cyril, Ed., The Oxford History of needed a good press agent, and suffer because Byzantium, Oxford University Press, 2002 they had no admiring mouthpiece, such as the Goths found in Jordanes. McCullough, David Willis, Ed., Chronicles of the Barbarians, History Book Club, 1998 Having recounted the highlights here, I hope that some of my fellow gamers will be moved to McDonald Simon, Catalaunian Fields, 451 AD, consider the adventurous possibilities of a Opsrey Publishing, 2015 Vandal campaign. One could have not one, but Merrills, Andy; Miles, Richard The Vandals, John TWO Vandal armies on the loose in Spain, plus Wiley & Sons, 2010 the Speedy Alans and the ferocious Suevi, Nicolle, David, Attila and the Nomad Hordes, facing desperate Roman garrisons and punitive Osprey Publishing, 1990 expeditions. And just when things calm down, the Romans let the Visigothic Gorilla into the Tacitus, The Annals of Imperial Rome, translated room. I tell you, folks, you can’t beat fun at the by Grant, Penguin Classics, 1956. old ballpark! Wickham, Chris, The Inheritance of Rome, Penguin Books, 2009     

------My Doctor never told me that. I had to hear it from Phish. ------

17 ------I can’t stand breakfast. It’s just constant eggs. I mean, why? Who decided? ------Mailing Comments on Turbo-Apa #406: demonstrated so clearly this week by striking down the Governor’s stay at home order. Cover (Steven Vincent Johnson): I have spent quite a bit of time looking at this – there’s more Greg Rihn, AN WISCONZINE: I have been so detail than one sees at first glance. What is it consistently impressed by your summaries of about this image which reminded me of cels programming at the Geneva Steam Con that I from Genndy Tartakovsky’s wonderful cartoon am quite disappointed to read that this was the series Samurai Jack? I think it is the little trees last iteration of the event. I find the titles of the sticking up from thee distant islands that look presentations most impressive – “The Glowing like a landscape full of Oni and Ninjas. Another Girls and the Radium Rage” is a particularly fine lovely gift to the members! example. And I would have enjoyed hearing your presentation on “What They Drank During Georgie Schnobrich, OCCAM’S WHISKERS: Prohibition.” There has been a revival of People do have issues with invisible poisons and Prohibition-era stories on the “Historic Photos of contagions. But I think we accept a number of Madison, Wisconsin” Facebook Group and other invisible and/or imaginary things as if they someone recently raised the story of Jennie Justo were real. The Fourth Wall. The Code of the and her brief martyrdom for the student drinkers West. In fact, the one thing which all cultures of Madison. One thing I noticed in many of the seem to have in common is an irrational faith in stories about raids made in Madison was that an invisible, omnipotent, benevolent, vengeful, there were as many people pinched for and eternal power, which resolutely ignores homemade wine as for bootleg whiskey and gin. them and their assorted panegyrics. Maybe There was no question they were producing their telling people that Covid-19 is God’s judgement basement vintage in amounts that were well on people that go out for fish fry would be more beyond their personal capacity. I found it effective than talking about micro-droplets and interesting that a lot of people were missing their super spreaders. table wine, but you were a lot more likely to I think this past 60 days must have been more pinched for supplying or drinking it if you had a difficult for you and Greg than for any other vowel at the end of your name. Turbo-Apa members, because you two certainly Steven Vincent Johnson, SONOVA QUARK: seem to be at some sort of live performance or You commented that you find the size of my other event a majority of the nights of the week. contributions to Turbo intimidating; I suppose Although I have been able to remain pretty that’s better than saying they are stultifying, productive throughout the spring, there certainly which I suspect is the more common reaction. I have been some moments when I asked why I find your graphic and computational abilities should bother. I try to remind myself that the startling, and they make me feel any effort I Covid epidemic seems to have some intense have offered at “art” was a bit comical at best. Is similarities to Tuberculosis, in that people lived that intimidation? As always, my counsel is that with the shadow of it for more than century and everyone should do the kind of fanzine that they grew to regard quarantines as commonplace. want to do and as often they want to do it. This The echo of that experience was still ringing month’s Captain Flashback has now consumed 7 loudly when I was a kid, and no one ever days, and I’ll be putting in 3 or 4 more before I questioned if it was a good idea to get a TB th close it down, hopefully on the 18 . I’m flattered vaccine. If the world returns to those conditions that you feel the results are impressive, but it’s for a while, I’m confident we will survive. an affliction. I had the proportions on the Wisconsin Supreme I thought you would find the material about Court wrong in my comment to you last month. Richard Shaver and Ray Palmer interesting. It will take another change to bring the Shaver’s beliefs are not really coherent enough proportion to 5-4 for the Democrats, as was

18 for me to find them compelling, but the remarkable reactions they engendered continue to fascinate me. I would find it harder to fathom had I not seen the mania around the works of Erich von Däniken, Charles Berlitz and Whitley Strieber, all of which now seem just as implausible as the Deros and their ray machines. But the fun which they once provided is self- evident. If there is one thing that I can’t forgive Palmer and Shaver for, it is that the stories are dull – they have a grim, fore-doomed premise that leaves little room for the reader to hope or imagine a positive resolution. This is because Shaver’s stories were a device he invented to explain and excuse the difficult trajectory of his life, the hopelessness of his struggle. They are circular, pointless badly-written stories – and that’s after Palmer did his best with them. are going to be pretty desperate for “normal” Craziness I can embrace, but bad storytelling is things like a turkey dinner. And just imagine hard to redeem. turning to your family as they compliment the Marilyn Holt, LETTER FROM THE FARM: I bird, and braying “It should be good – it cost was riveted by your encounters with Great Men. $100!” See, it starts to sound like fun…. Two things stood out at me: The way that the Carrie Root, THE HOUSE ON THORNTON former Greek President’s security team were CREEK: I have been pretty impressed with your very practiced at saving him from his own masks. Given how long it has been since you did weakness for behaving badly with young any sewing work this complicated, I was very women. I wonder if he had breath. And the skeptical that your Mom’s venerable machine other was that Walter Mondale was just as would be up to the job without a major refit. boring in person as he generally was on And it certainly has shortcomings, but you have television, which was kind of surprising, given made a nice number of masks for us and sent that he was a pretty popular Governor in them to four other people or groups of people Minnesota. As you said, he just didn’t feel like now. I am getting used to wearing them – it feels turning it on. pretty natural in a setting like shopping at the As usual, the amount of impending activity on supermarket, but I still get slightly out-of-breath your “Winding-Down” farm seems pretty climbing hills with one on. I wonder how long amazing. I try to imagine a scenario in which I we will be wearing them? I think they provide a would pay $100 for a turkey, and I admit I find nice impression of awareness and caution and it challenging. Presumably, this is due to the fact remind one to be careful. But I question how that I have never had a $100 turkey, and so don’t effective our pillow-case masks would be in a know what I’m missing. I can imagine paying setting like an airplane or a theater. And how do $100 for a particularly choice slab of pastrami, you eat popcorn through a mask, let alone a or a shoebox full of barbecue from some of the shoebox full of cheese steak? If we get to go to places we went to in Texas in March. And there any baseball this year, we might have to figure are people out there who faunch for turkey like that out. But doing these things with you gives The Old Man in Gene Shepard’s A Christmas me the energy to keep trying, otherwise I really Story. I bet Paul’s Wonder Turkeys will find an would live on take-out Pad Thai. appreciative audience – by Thanksgiving, people [Comments continue next page] ------The winds and waves are always on the side of the ablest navigators. ------

19 ------Cathy and I considered ourselves the hippest of Kansas hippies. ------Comments on Turbo-Apa #406, continued: Jim Hudson & Diane Martin, THINGS THAT in WHIMSEY, it had a rather remarkable effect BEGIN WITH H & C: First thing: thanks for on me – I think that after 9 years in fandom and investing in the padded envelopes for our last actually having published several fanzines, couple of mailings. I am VERY happy to pay a reading that piece made me really ACCEPT the few bucks more each month to have things like fact that a fan writer is truly free to write about Steve’s magnificent covers arrive intact. ANYTHING they want, regardless of its connection to genre or literature or rubber movie Your experience in the quarantine sounds a lot monsters – and it’s up to the reader to keep up or like ours. Carrie has been working hard on her find something else. You don’t have to masks, but gradually various trees and bushes apologize for what you want to say. 33 years are being trimmed to perfection too. I sawed up later, we’re still corresponding, and I’m asking all the logs we had accumulated on Saturday and you to read a 17-page treatise on the African felt like I had been beaten with one of them the Vandal Kingdom. I hope you’re proud of next day. We have also been asking a lot of our yourself. DVR lately and spending a lot more time on Turner Classic Movies since there is no baseball Scott, your summary of Polynesian navigation to watch this spring. (The classic games are nice, lore was interesting. Fred Lerner sent me .pdfs but how many times do we have to watch of his earlier pieces on the Polynesians, and I’ll someone throw a perfect game or 20 strikeouts forward them to you. against the Mariners?) We ended up “real- I wonder if Corflu will be the magic convention timing” the third season of Westworld. I find it that does not miss a year because of the reminds me a lot of the rebooted Galactica – pandemic? I personally think it is a long shot remarkable stuff to look at it, but I have no idea that Rob Jackson will be able to host an event in how it is supposed to make me feel. Actually, I Bristol next spring, but it’s pleasant to hope. I take that back – there was ONE scene in the already began to anticipate the EVERYONE season finale that made me feel like some part of will be in the virtual con suite next year. what I had been seeing really was real, or at least it had been at one time. Wonder if anyone will Kim & Kathi Nash, KN: My response to know what I mean? isolation was a lot like Kim’s: it was nice to have my misanthropy appear completely rational I had to laugh, because I read your comment for a change. Working on the APA helps to about the remarkable proliferation of rump break the sense of isolation too. With the general kingdoms in the steppes and forests of Eastern absence of other activities, I am putting like a Europe and Western Asia after composing the week to ten days in on CAPTAIN many “Barbarian Sidebars” that accompany my FLASHBACK each month and it barely seems piece in this issue. Cripes, there’s a lot of crazy at all. them! The historians of the ancient world were definitely “Splitters” rather than “Lumpers,” It is nice that you and online buyers are keeping when it came to barbarian speciation. the Frugal Muse bookstore afloat. My fanzine auctions have also remained surprisingly steady. Scott Custis & Jeanne Gomoll, MADISON I kind of expected that people would find better FOURSQUARE #42: Jeanne, “Be Careful, You things to spend money on, but I’ve had some Could Die” is one of my favorite fan articles very generous bids in April and May. The most from any writer, from any era. To this day, interesting part of the business has been taking Carrie and I say “You Could Die” to one another people’s purchases to the Post Office. On some in a number of situations, many of them level, things are better there now – people are involving appropriately sheer cliffs and called on to do their addressing and packing escarpments. When you originally published it outside the sales area in the main lobby, which

20 cuts way down on the crowding and general Jae Leslie Adams, ALPHABET OBSESSION: level of idiocy. They hung sheets of plexiglass in You did not contribute to this mailing, but I front of the clerks, which was a good idea even figured you deserved to get some comments without a plague, and no one on the staff seems anyway. The rotation of things has recently to have gotten sick. As long as I can continue brought me back to a box full of the fanzines reducing the piles of Jeanne and Jae Leslie’s you bequeathed to me; there is still a generous fanzines in my basement, I’m relatively content. heap of them to list yet. It’s been an encouraging few months in that regard, because I’ve sold Walter Freitag, COMING TO GRIPS: It was some big slabs of good stuff, including a nearly interesting to read your impressions of the complete of FTT and a whole bunch of early gathering Plague Juice. I saw a headline just a issues of BANANA WINGS, which brought moment ago – no Covid fatalities in really good prices despite being relatively recent today. I found that pretty impressive – we have items. They came out of some boxes of stuff been locked down for 59 days, but we can’t get belonging to the late Kate Yule, allowing me to down to that level. In fact, the best we’ve been consolidate two boxes into one. Score! able to do is achieve a rough equilibrium of new patients coming in and old patients leaving, with I still need to learn to suspend judgement on no comment on how many leave still breathing. I what is “Good” and therefore worth listing. I felt your paean to flooring was oddly poignant in listed a half-dozen copies of Rob Hansen’s this context – we got no hope against viruses, fanzine EPSILON, but they received only the but if you want some nice new bamboo flooring $4.00 minimum bid, while LILITH’s CHILD to quarantine on, this is the country for you. #7, an obscure apazine by Joy Hibbert, went for $15.50. But then it was no surprise at all that the Cathy Gilligan, CONJUNCTIVE DISORDERS: sublime TIGER TEA #1 by Linda Krewecke Ranting about your pet peeves in the guise of (then Linda Pickersgill) sold for $26.00. mailing comments is actually a pretty long- Sometimes quality means even more than standing tradition in fandom, probably going scarcity. back to Donald Wollheim in the second or third FAPA mailing in 1937. Responding to the things Kate also had a full run of Tracy Benton’s that people write in their zines really is just one CAZBAH, and I found a buyer happy to snap of several options for comment hooks. If them up. I had forgotten how much good someone writes me a really entertaining and material there was in that sleek and compact amusing comment, it doesn’t matter in the least fanzine, not to mention the fact that I had made that it has nothing to do with my own zine. several contributions, some of which I’ve no Everyone should have the experience of being in copies in any electronic form. Tap, tap, tap! an APA with John Hertz at some point in their There were likewise copies of most issues of lives. In TAPS, the first APA I ever joined, I WABE, which was certainly the best continuing mentioned enjoying Dave Brubeck’s album, genzine to come out of Madison since JANUS “Take Five,” and this led to a three or four (or STARLING, if you’re old school). I don’t mailing exchange in which John patiently know if you have ever considered it, but a explained how the rhythmic structure of “Blue collection of “The Best of WABE” would make Rondo ala Turk” was not a legitimate Turkish for a fine Fanthology. Or such a selection might dance form. I don’t think I have ever really felt also be a major component of a collection of relaxed about what I’ve put in my fanzines ever great writing by Madison fans across the since, knowing as I do that my audience’s decades. Wouldn’t that be fun to research? command of Arcana will always dwarf my own.

     ------He was the Black Mamba, named for the dangerous snake of sub-Saharan Africa. ------

21 ------… we drew our editorial titles for this issue from songs by Oingo Boingo… ------Fanmail from Some Flounder Department: Letters to CAPTAIN FLASHBACK people are able to print copies for themselves from the .pdf uploaded to eFanzines.com. [APH: One of the unsuspected complexities of publishing multiple fanzine titles is keeping all A very nice letter from John on CHUNGA #26 the correspondence one receives in a coherent arrived not much later, but it was March by the and accessible condition. This has theoretically time the CF received another letter from John:] become less a matter of physical storage than John Hertz responsibly indexing email – but I have always (as above) had a number of correspondents who preferred to send paper cards and letters. Keeping these 29th March 2020 together is a perpetual challenge, particularly when a full year passes between issues. For me, Your 8 Nov 19 with and about back issues of misplacing or misfiling replies from JOHN Van has, as you see, given me pause. HERTZ is the nightmare scenario. John I suppose it’s a compliment that, in any exhibits indefatigable zeal in correcting my significant aggregation of fmz received over the typos and other errors and failing to even past 25 years, there will be a pile of Vanamonde. acknowledge his friendly and lightly pedantic replies is surely a faux pas not soon forgotten. People might have used it to line bird-cages. Or The reader may wish to refer to CAPTAIN discarded it; evidently John D. Berry now has, FLASHBACK #12, and the section titled “Dear likewise Kaufman & Tompkins – but I’ll still John” on page 12, for background on my recent take that as a compliment: a mathom is return of large collections of his fanzine something one has no immediate use for, but VANAMONDE to their editor. We begin with a thinks should not be thrown away (Tolkien made card first misdirected to the 36th Street residence the word from Old English máðm [gosh, I can of the late Randy Byers (That Man Again), and get an edh in this font] “treasure”). sent on in an envelope with two issues of VANAMONDE:] Even “find it hard to throw away any fanzine” is a compliment. I’ll take it. John Hertz Incidentally – or not – you may have noticed 236 S. Coronado St., No. 409 that John Berry of Belfast – and Denver! – was a Los Angeles, CA 90057 regular contributor of fanart to Vanamonde. Or 27th December 2019 that Van publishes more fanart per square inch than any other zine. Or that it’s the only zine Dear Andy, pubbing current work by Tim Kirk. You have two more letters coming. If you meet (not necessarily in person, of course) Captain Flashback 12 never arrived. But I anyone who’d like some of the back issues you managed to see it – and No. 13. still have, feel free to give. As Alison Scott says, a fanzine is a gift. Otherwise I’ll accept that task Your November parcel did arrive. It and them. dumbfounded me. But I’ll answer. I did notice your allusion, Capflash Back-Ten 12 Also thanks for printing my Milt Stevens piece p. 6, to my sending what some have called in Chunga 26. Glad you liked it. envelopes of comment. Best regards to Jae [APH: I do not now recall if I sent you previous Leslie Adams. She treated me splendidly in issues on paper, or merely promised to and Science Fiction Five-Yearly 12 – sorry, there’s failed, but I wanted to point out that very few Randy Byers again. paper copies of CAPTAIN FLASHBACK exist outside of the Turbo-Apa mailings to which they John DeChancie says I write over the heads of are submitted. I am generally assuming that my readers. Maybe so.

22 [APH: I doubt that I would ever have decided to purporting to study the work of a prolific share CAPTAIN LASHBACK with a wider powerful writer, wallows in that pit. Some of the audience if not for the examples provided by sunniest music by Beethoven – Mister other publishers like Bruce Pelz, Redd Boggs Romanticism – was written when his life was a and yourself. The presence of mailing comments wreck. Regarding our own field, Heinlein – does not disqualify an APAzine from receiving whups! there go my readers – was asked how he wider attention. And I have emulated your example in trying to solicit original art for CF, could produce simultaneously two such surely a radical gesture for a “mere” apazine. contradictory books as Starship Troopers and Stranger in a Strange Land; he said “I’m a CAPTAIN FLASHBACK’S volunteer typist science fiction author. I make things up”; three (Ms. Carrie Root) wanted to thank you for decades after his death we, the Imagi-Nation, helping her to learn that certain Old English still can’t conceive of that in him. characters are not available in san serif fonts. I never asked Karen Anderson what happened to I don’t see you as writing over people’s heads. I think you just assume that people are the Brass Knuckles of SAPS. She’s gone too. knowledgeable until they are proven ignorant. [APH: Yeah, I dunno; suppose I could ask On to the second letter sent in late March:] Toskey. David Thayer has written some interesting material over the years, including John Hertz some pieces about his service in Viet Nam. It’s (as above) nice when Teddy lets him out occasionally. 29th March 2020 I’m not sure that I can follow you into the Biographical Fallacy Pit; what I meant to O Captain! Our Captain! suggest is that biography will embrace clichés Thanks for the Corflu XXXVII report, first I’ve that fiction finds difficult to overcome. The seen. I’ve run into David Thayer at cons, but I prior experience and provenance of a writer will tell one only so much; as you say, imagination feel I know better Teddy Harvia, the fine intervenes. fanartist, who lives in the same body. How swell to have a Corflu in Texas, where Harvia and When I failed to include any reference to these Brad Foster can collaborate and even send the letters in issue #17, John had to call me on it:] results to . About Robert John Hertz Lichtman, fandom certainly has been a better (as above) place because of him. Let me join particularly th your applause of his loccing in addition to his 29 March 2020 [Time Travel, no less! – APH] own zines. “And thank you for treating CAPTAIN You observe “Dashiell Hammett … a FLASHBACK like a “real” fanzine by writing Communist… committed social revolutionary letters of comment.” …. successful[ly wrote of] the cheerful playboy WHAAT? (Bob Dylan, 1965) detective Nick Charles” while “the semi- aristocratic [Raymond] Chandler’s most famous Yet, seeing no WAHF for locs rec’d but not creation is the petit bourgeois Marlowe”, at Pub’d – which you stumble into the pit: “[one] can’t “His fanzines included BEARMUTTERINGS” make this stuff up.” Oh yes one can. Blindness What a difference a D makes. to that is – et tu, Brute? – mundane; the wretched Biographical Fallacy “An author can Your Fan, JH write of nothing but himself”, which should [APH: I hope this squares us John, Here’s leave us preferring John Taine to Hippolyte hoping the day will come when CAPTAIN Taine. I’ve just read an unpleasant book which, FLASHBACK needs a WAHF column!] ------Save some of these atomic age zingers for your English homework. Bukowski. ------

23 I REMEMBER ENTROPY DEPARTMENT: [I came across this uncollected piece by the late Randy Byers (1960-2017) in the first issue of GLOSS, a genzine published at the turn of the 21st Century by Lilian Edwards and Victor Gonzalez. There were three issues of GLOSS, after which Lilian would continue with five issues of FLOSS. There were some similarities between GLOSS and APPARATCHIK, the title Victor and I collaborated on in the 1990s, including “Sausage Time,” my fanzine review column, and contributions from Christina Lake and Randy, who were also among the Apparatchiki. Randy’s topic is the back-to-back convention weekends in March of 2000, when Seattle fans hosted the regional convention Potlatch, and then the 17th iteration of Corflu within a ten-day span. No single report could do that relentless death march justice, but Randy captured the tone of general indulgence well. And as GLOSS #1 was published 20 years ago this month, I couldn’t resist sharing it here. Many hangovers created that weekend are only now wearing off. Hard to believe that just 20 years ago, fabulous creatures like Alison Freebairn & Tommy Ferguson roamed the Earth…] ------Original Art: Page 19 by Ulrika O’Brien, Page 25 by Bill Rotsler ------Potflu: The Feast of Calabashes “But I’m sercon,” I said, compounding the By Randy Beyers problem. The whole population of the valley seemed Lilian looked ready to flee. “Well,” she said to be gathered within the precincts of the doubtfully, “that’s fine as long as you’re grove. In the distance could be seen the long interesting.” front of the Ti, its immense piazza swarming Victor gave me a smug, chicks-dig-faneds with men, arrayed in every variety of smile. I could tell that my chances of ever fantastic costume, and all vociferating with winning TAFF were over already. How animated gestures; while the whole interval could things have gotten so desperate so between it and the place where I stood was quickly? enlivened by groups of females fancifully decorated, dancing, capering, and uttering I had intended to share my list of the 20 wild exclamations. essential SF books of the past 20 years, - Melville, Typee which I had taken to the previous day’s panel for purposes of comparison with the I was shocked to learn that the Brits all lists of the panelists. Realizing my , I thought that I’d fucked Tommy Ferguson. I swiftly folded the paper into a tight packet try to keep a low profile, but here I was, and popped it into my mouth. With a large already in the deepest trouble even before pull on the Tromb, I managed to lodge the the fair but fierce Alison Freebairn donned packet in my throat. my cap and discovered that our skulls were the same size – yes, even before the “What was that?” Victor demanded. orgasmatron was brought into play. “Ten thousand mikes of pure lysergic acid In fact, the trouble started near the end of diethylamide,” I choked suavely; then to Potlatch when Lilian said that she didn’t Lilian, “Can I buy you another glass of much care for sercon fans. I was sitting at wine?” the Big Time Brew Pub with Lilian and She seemed to find this offer interesting Victor, and I was drinking a pint of the enough. Trombipulator Belgian Trippel, which, at nearly 8 percent, was a mistake already, By the time that AP showed up fifteen albeit a pleasant one. minutes later, I knew who had slept with

24 whom, and I was beginning to suspect that my chances had improved. Only later did I remember that I wasn’t trying to improve my chances. Who was I trying to impress? I mean, fandom is just a god-forsaken hobby, right? Who cares if you’re a big name fish in that small pond? I’ve always been proud of being a fringe faan, and I’ve never learned enough of the history, traditions, or secret handshakes to understand the arguments about TAFF or the importance of paper fanzines or the factionalism. I don’t get many zines, and I don’t work cons. Hell, I don’t go to many cons, except for Potlatch. I’ve been to seven of nine of them. (and Sheila and Tami, of course, but they Potlatch was like an old show: comfortable, have to be nice to me). In the raging Baad familiar, and attractive to fetishists. There Grrls Room, where non-smokers longed for was Art Widner and Freddie Baer and Sheila the gas masks impounded at the recent WTO Lightsey and Debbie Notkin and Jae Leslie debacle, Bill Bowers asked me to visit the Adams – all the usual suspects from the next time I was in Cincinnati. Was it West Coast, and regulars from Chicago, possible that after twenty years of fannish Minneapolis and Madison, with a sprinkling minac I had found a seat at the table? of further-flung exotics attracted by the But no. My handful of articles for blue-plate special-combo-convention. It’s a serious con, our Potlatch, rife this time Apparatchik had gained me admission, but I around with single-malt fans who flaunted still didn’t have much to say. Yet I was their wares Friday night and whirling reminded that, despite pathetic doubts and a dervishes who strutted their stuff for DJ parasitic nature, I had made connections Vacuo on Saturday. (Thanks again, Spike, amongst the trufen over the years. Lucy for tracking down the bartender and scoring Huntzinger reminisced about a day fifteen that whiskey sour for me.) It was a good years ago when her father complained about time, and the quiet smoking consuite even the young fool at work who had dyed a allowed for conversation with Don Fitch. checkerboard into his hair, and she told him, “That’s a friend of mine, dad! His name is But Corflu was something else again. Randy.” Geri Sullivan very patiently sat Corflu was seductive. I approached it with with me and explained in detail why she trepidation, fearing that I would sit again on thought (mistakenly) that Roe vs. Wabe had the outside of a circle of BNFs to whom I bested Steelhead in the Iron Faned had nothing to say. But straight away, before competition. And there was Art Widner I even got to the hotel, I ran into Victor, again, who dragged me, Geri, Tami, and carl Lilian, Jerry Kaufman, and Christina Lake off to dinner at the Snappy Dragon on and was invited to join them for a cup of Sunday. coffee. Before I knew it, I was having dinner You know, I just love Art. He’s been in with Robert Lichtman, Ted White, Frank fandom since the beginning of time, he’s Lunney, and incipient-GoH Ken Forman

25 still full of piss and vinegar (not to mention Still, the Brits scored high on the diversion a wee bit o’ the creature), and he pitched a scale. Every one of them had a kick-ass complete-game victory in the Corflu softball fanzine, for one thing, leaving the American game. Art fucking rocks. side looking rather bruised. More importantly, Debbi Kerr and Linda But it was more than that, wasn’t it? Krawecke brought absinthe to Christina’s Despite myself, I keep thinking of the birthday party. It’s illegal in the US, but no orgasmatron. matter: the jail cell was just another smoky (Must … not …) room filled to overcapacity. (Thanks, Nigel, for the bail!) And once Linda had gotten us Yes, maybe it was the Brits after all. There high on wormwood, she struck us in Space was so much to learn about them. I learned Needle poses for a series of damning photos, that, like Californians, they don’t smoke or while Doug Bell tried to explain to me the drink. This was an even greater shock than remnants of Celtic languages in Scotland. learning of my sex-life with Tommy, but at Whereupon Alison Freebairn came along Potlatch we could not lure any of them into with a set of mustaches, which transformed the Smokin’ Lounge, except for Alison Scott Tami into a gangster, Geri into an for a too brief time on Saturday. “The lusher Impressionist, Ulrika O’Brien into a sort will be here next weekend,” she assured Chaplin, and Martin Smith into … Martin us. Smith with a mustache on his cheek. Well, there was Lilian, too, I suppose. Finally, I must no t mention the orgasmatron Victor even succeeded in getting her sercon. again. The two of them speculated on whether Ian Sorensen could be tempted when he arrived (Must … not … lose … composure.) at Corflu, though they doubted it. By the No, this must end – as Potflu did – with time that came around, I was too distracted Alison F. and her perfect skull. After Tami by Alison Freebairn’s skull to notice said, “Stop looking at me like that or I’m whether the dirty deed was done. going to cry,” and Alison sent Martin to bed, As for beer, well, at Potlatch, which was and Chairman Hooper left us with an notably short on Brits, the keg was dry by exhortation to turn the lights off behind us Saturday night, whereas at a Corflu fairly and stay off the third rail, and Yvonne overrun by them it was still flowing at the Rowse clinked away with an exotic dancer’s Sunday night parties. Even a very nearly sashay, and I’d forgotten to worry whether I legendary effort by Martin Smith couldn’t belonged or not, Alison and I stayed up till drain it. the birds sang, discussing why neither of us had ever fucked Tommy Ferguson: because Admittedly, I was no help, after I was told we’re both (say it with me) too precious for that the Corflu keg was Kilt Lifter. Lilian sex. had explained that “kilt lifter” was Scots slang for “faggot”, and I was worried for my Phwoar! already battered reputation as a closet heterosexual. When Steve Swartz informed [Originally published in Gloss #1, May 2000] me late on Sunday that the beer was actually Tilted Kilt, it was too late. And who know what “tilted kilt” might mean to the Scots? “Tommy-fucker,” no doubt.     

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