Laura Parris

Table of Contents Title page January - Clerihews February - Acrostics March - Haiku March - Limericks April - Short(ish) stories May & June - Buzzwords July - Stories in Rhyme August - Beginnings and endings September - Pyramid poems October & November - Two-part stories Other writings

Stories & Poems from Compaid 2016

This book is made up of writing and art by clients at Compaid in 2016.

Illuminated lettering by Ros Bennett, Liz Chessell, Michael Crawford, Alex Piper and Jane Sanderson.

This e-book compiled and created by the magnificent Steffon Marshall.

All work in this e-book copyright Compaid 2016.

3 January: Clerihews

A forerunner of the Limerick, the Clerihew is a short rhyme which always begins with the name of a person.

George Clooney Makes me swoony If only he was mine We could sail down the Rhine, drinking wine! Evelyn Waghorne

y friend Meryl Can be a peril Burning her cakes That she makes! Poem & Illuminated letter by Ros Bennett

Jack Black carried a sack On his back He is a star He drives a fast car Vicki O’ Mahony

Brad Pitt is very fit He’s definitely a great hit He could not get any hotter He’s better looking than Harry Potter. Carol Parker

My friend Jane Is completely insane She even went out to bathe in the rain. Stuart Goodwin

To Susanna Bowdery

4 We’d like to say Howdy She’s such a joy at the day centre You couldn’t invent her Laura Parris

Peter Terry Went on a ferry. He said “If I get to Spain I’ll go insane. Like Jane”. Stuart Goodwin

Queen Elizabeth the First Almost died of thirst. Her food was all salty And her taps were all faulty. Josie Singer

haron and Phil Were dressed to kill They owned the Queen Vic Where the pints went down very quick Ros Bennett Illuminated letter by Michael Crawford

Princess Charlotte Dressed in scarlet Her big brother George in blue All dressed up and nothing to do Vicki O’ Mahony

Audrey Hepburn Had a yearn to become a famous star She went to Tiffany’s for breakfast And then became quite reckless Jane Sanderson

5 Ellie Simmonds Who competes in the Women’s Freestyle swimming near & far Has won lots of medals & become a star Laura Parris

Gordon Brown Felt very down Prime Minister Blair Didn’t seem to care. Jenny Wythes

Fanny Cradock Liked a Haddock Johnnie did not agree He preferred Prawn Cocktail for tea Carol Parker

Sheila Brown Doesn’t know how to frown If she had any more cheer I would think she was full of beer Laura Parris

Sheila Brown Likes to go to Maidstone Town Her bus goes by Laura’s flat in Pelican Court Perhaps she’ll see her at the Bus Stop, just a thought. Laura Parris Terry Wogan had a slogan Terrys old geezers really liked Malteasers Stuart Goodwin

Steve Wright had a fright his radio show had no go Stuart Goodwin

Man in a hat Lost his cat He felt such a twit for losing it He only looked away for a little bit. Carol Parker

Our friend Bill Lived in a Mill He works all day for very little pay. Hoping he will be rich one day, Carol Parker

Jim Baines Sometimes complains About Susanna’s singing It sets his ears ringing Laura Parris

David Bowie Named his son Zowie Oh, so many moans and groans So, now he is know as Duncan Jones! Evelyn Waghorne

Paul O’Grady Made a great lady Lily Savage was the name He hung up his dresses, and still has the fame Evelyn Waghorne

Frank Lampard I wish I could personally send him a card Congratulating him on what he has helped the team achieve Every game I watched, in him I believed Carl Wood

My neighbours’cat Is as blind as a bat. When hunting a mouse

7 Shr could not find a house. Josie Singer

My favourite food Depends on my mood. If I want some wine I say why not Josie Singer

Judy Dench is fine old wench And spends time on an old park bench She picks up rocks with some threadbare socks And sends them abroad in a cardboard box. Josie Singer

Josie Singer Is a right mud-slinger. But enjoys her scrabble And likes a dabble. Josie Singer

Gina Stiles Can run for miles, But still comes here Because she cannot hear. Josie Singer

Jonathan Sargant, As an eater, is ardent. He loves eating chips But gets covered in drips Josie Singer

Sharon Emery Has an amazing memory. She’ll always remember The fifth of November. Josie Singer

Our friend James

8 Goes up in flames. He likes to break the mould (Everyone else is cold). Josie Singer

Everybody loves Val She’s very good pal. She’s always willing To spend her last shilling. Josie Singer

Butterfield, Mike Is a naughty old tyke. (Not so much ‘old’, And, really, good as gold). Josie Singer

Our friend Jen Has billions of Yen. She’s not Japanese, But she is the bee’s knees. Josie Singer

Is lovely Lyn Quite without sin? I wouldn’t have thought it. She must pay a forfeit. Josie Singer

Jonathan Ross Was looking rather cross. He was very rude Because no-one was in the nude. Stuart Goodwin

Our friend Stuart Eats so much suet, If it doesn’t make him sick He’ll turn into a spotted dick. Stuart Goodwin

Ken Bruce Turned rather puce. He said “I’m not blushing: The blood to my head is rushing.” Stuart Goodwin

Jimmy Tucker Is a really good mucker. He likes to have a good laugh In the bath. Stuart Goodwin

os Bennett Should be in the senate. As a politician, she’d do well Because she can really yell. Stuart Goodwin Illuminated letter by Ros Bennett

Jenny Wythes Split her sides. She laughed so hard She was all in shards. Stuart Goodwin

Madonna Had something coming upon ’er. It wasn’t nice And made her feel like ice. Stuart Goodwin

Camilla, Queen in waiting, Was prone to fits of fainting. Charles said to stop the gin So he threw all the bottles in the bin. Sharon Streeton

10 The Queen all dressed in green She looked like Robin Hood Was she up to no good? Sharon Streeton

11 February: Acrostics

J enny is so very kind E veryone is of the same mind N othing is too much for her N ever stressed and always calm Yet likes to belt out a song or psalm

Ros Bennett

V icki likes the Royal family I like Prince William C harlotte is their baby K ate is a princess I like Queen Elizabeth Vicki O’Mahony

S miling face full of Laughter & fun H appy people all a round A rms out stretched ready for a hug R uns around to look after people in her care O pen for a cheeky chat N oble & kind to everyone Evelyn Waghorne

C ats and Dogs

12 A re friendly and lovely R eally fun to own O nce they are in your family L ove is always shown Carol Wells

C helsea is basically my life A ccountant is what I was going to achieve R emember I had a serious life threatening accident L augh is what I can easily make people do!! Carl Wood

M ood enhancer or settler U nderstanding the culture of the tunes S tationary does not usually happen in this topic I ndispensible 2 Me. C arl bangs out a beat. Carl Wood

L aura’s birthday is the same as the Queen A pril the 21st is the date U p to London Maybe she’ll go R eady to give out a cheer A nd when she gets home have a beer Laura Parris

T eddy was about to be joined by a lamb.

13 ‘E e by gum. I hope she does’t eat my jam!’ ‘D o sheep eat jam?’ the rabbit asked. ‘D o they not prefer a bit of grass?’ Y es, so they do,’ the pussy said ‘B ut they can’t eat catfood instead.’ ‘E ach to his own.’ observed the owl. ‘A nd I find grass and catfood foul.’ ‘R ight.’ they said. ‘as lambs don’t bite. S hall we try her with Marmite?’

Josie Singer

Jacqueline is very thin A nd she likes to sing. C reativity is her thing. Q uick and sharp she loves her bling. U nderstated she is not. E specially when she types a lot. L ots of fun she does have. I ntellectual times abound. N eat and tidy she can be found E ither at home or at COMPAID land. Jane Sanderson

Daytime tea - bisuits

14 Everyone table a seat Boil the kettle Brew the tea, pour the coffee In goes the milk and sugar Enjoying a chat at Compaid

Debbie went to Wallington HigH Even her friend AmandA Belonged to the same schooL Both walked together up a big hilL In an open field past the wood Every day to get to school. Debbie Hall

Jane is a jolly soul although she can sometimes be droll And when she smiles she is very happy Now and again she becomes very sad Even though she is down at times she does not let people see her frown. Jane Sanderson

Sausages are very nice Yes even with a bit of spice Large or small it really does not matter Variety makes the world go round Interesting things can astound us

15 And I will risk it for a biscuit Jane Sanderson

16 March: Haiku

Interest of mine, People can relate to it. Makes me happier. the carl 2 da wood

My dog is so sweet; He eats up all of his treats. He barks at my feet! Stuart Goodwin

A1 for fourteen No prawn crackers for me please And No washing up

17 March: Limericks

A dog was a happy young male And then tried to wag his tail. But the tail wagged the dog Till he fell in a bog And made friends with a muddy young whale. Josie Singer

There is a young carer called Nisha Who comes in like Jeremy Fisher. My shower’s not good There is always a flood, And she ends up a rather wet Nisha. Josie Singer

I have a young carer named Clare, Who says to me “You wouldn’t dare” Says “Hello spotted dick” But she’s taking the mick So I reply “miaow” to my Clare. Josie Singer

There is a nice carer Michelle, Who gets me right out of my shell. She is always smiling, Which I find beguiling. My wonderful, happy Michelle. Josie Singer

There is a great night nurse Joana, Who wanted to play the piano. But that would have been worse, As she is a good nurse, And says “behave badly”, From Joana. Josie Singer

There was a pink kitten from Kent On the train to London she went.

18 When the kitten got there She had a big scare: All her money she had spent. Vicki O’Mahony

Lunch There was a bloke at Compaid Who had a pizza that was ready made. Sharon asked him did he want lunch, But he said he had brought his own brunch, And just needed the table laid. Nina McMillan Carol Parker

There was a young man from the moon Who said he’d come home very soon But the rocket was late And he got in a state So he didn’t get breakfast ‘til noon. Ros Bennett

Chuzzle There was an attendee at Compaid called Bob Who liked being given a job, But he preferred a puzzle And always played CHUZZLE Which made his fingers throb. Nina McMillan Carol Parker Another carer called Jess Will get me out of a mess. If I’m low, in a muddle She will give me a cuddle I don’t expect anything less. Josie Singer

Carrie, oh Carrie, oh Carrie, Who’s really much younger than Gary. But they are good friends

19 Tho he drives her round the bend. And she’s far too young yet to marry. Josie Singer

There is a carer Adriana Who does like a nice ripe banana. We visit the fish, They make a tasty dish. I hope I will see her mañana. Josie Singer

A lovely girl named Angela Who comes from Kenya in Africa. She works very hard, Should be thin as a shard. It’s lucky she has lots of stamina. Josie Singer

he Rumanian carer called Ion Really is very amazing. He says water is wet There’s no dry water yet, Till the scientists start interfering. Josie Singer Illuminated letter by Ros Bennett

The Rumanian carer Aurora Who comes in for richer or poorer. She gives me bread for the ducks The seagulls all scream “Chucks” And the grey geese all yell for some morer. Josie Singer

There is a young man called Gary, Who’s always as happy as Larry. He’s such a good carer, So what could be fairer. And says things like, “Don’t let us tarry”. Josie Singer

20 April: Short(ish) Stories

Stories of between 50 and 100 words.

On the beach.

It was a lovely, warm, sunny day, so I decided to go to the beach. The sun was shining brightly, but the walrus and the carpenter were nowhere to be seen. I could hear the sounds of happy children, seagulls shrieking, and the waves rustling on the shingle. I decided to go for a swim, before setting down to sunbathe. The pebbles were hard on my bare feet, and, although the day was hot, the water was not. But it was refreshing, then I could lie in the sun to dry.

Josie Singer

My Short Story

My name is John Wateridge. I got my own lap top and I like writing short stories, it all started when I was at school. We had to write a short story, on a young couple, so I started a story and it was called The Unlucky Cigarette. Instead of writing a couple of pages, I wrote two exercise books of the story. The English teacher said, “where are you going to put the rest of your work?”, I turned round and asked for an exercise book. When the teacher read the story she said it was very good.

John Wateridge

Short Story

The girl went into the park, then round the lake till she found the corner where the ducks and geese congregate. She gave them some bread, and the drakes started squabbling. It must have been magic bread, because the ugly duckling turned into a magnificent white swan.

21 May & June: Buzzwords

Stories using at least four of the following words: ship - set - mouse - fruit - spade - Victoria

THE HAUNTED HOUSE

here was a young lady called Victoria, who bought a house. She didn’t realise it was in the shape of a ship. When she had a look around it smelt of fruit. As she went from room to room there was a spade in every corner of the rooms. When she looked she saw mice running around the floor. Then she let out a loud scream and chased them, throwing fruit at them.Every time she threw she missed. So she picked up a spade and gave them a nasty bang on the head. WANTED Have you seen this guy in your house? John Wateridge Illuminated letter by Ros Bennett

Victoria is one of the Spice Girls. She must eat like a little mouse, Nibbling nuts and fruit pearls Singing her set all around the house Steffon Marshall

I was baking a Victoria sponge in the ship’s galley. We were on a cruise in the Mediterranean, and one of the passengers had a birthday. I was all set to cut it in half to add the filling; I went to the pantry to find the cream, but saw a mouse had already found it; he had cream all over his face. Fortunately, I remembered that I had a fruit cake in the freezer, so took it out and set about defrosting it. You probably needed a spade to cut it, because it was quite heavy and full of currants. The birthday boy was thrilled, so it all ended happily ever after. Josie Singer

Victoria’s Fruit

22 Once upon a time there was a little girl called Victoria. She enjoyed gardening with her mother. She particularly liked digging with her bright red spade and planting seeds that would grow into fruit. She tried to grow very big fruit but it didn’t work. Despite this, when she grew up, her fruit became very famous because it tasted so delicious. As the years went by, she sold her fruit all over the world. Of course, some of it had to go on a big container ship and Victoria also went in her cabin which she had specially built for her on the ship. I forgot to mention earlier that when Victoria was small, she had a pet mouse, who also went all over the world with her. When Victoria became very rich, she had a mansion built in the shape of various fruits, and of course her beloved mouse had a special house, full of nuts and berries. Victoria’s house was set in woodland, surrounded by fruit trees. Jane Sanderson

The Girl Who Jumped Ship......

It was a sizzling hot day and having padded along the white sandy beach I spotted a girl I had met aboard ship when we docked at Barbados. We had spoken briefly when she had told me her name was Victoria. She was paddling in the sea now and as I joined her another girl came along. She was draped in a Union Jack designer towel, was wearing a helmet in the shape of a swimming cap and carrying a spear. I thought it was stranger but we all chatted happily for a while until she said she was the head off the ship. “Head of the ship?” I queried. “I thought the head was the captain, Captain Brown” “Yes, he is the captain” she replied “but I am Britannia, the figurehead depicting the name ship, always a head at the front and it is tie I went back now before anyone notices my absence. I must be all set before we up anchor and leave for the next port.” “I must say I could do with a drink first”. At that she swept off up the beach stopping to use the spear she carrying like a spade smashing it against a palm tree until a coconut dropped down pinging on to her helmet and then to the ground. She used her spear to crack open the fruit and sipped the milk. Then off she went making her way to the quayside leaving a dribble of milk in her wake which was thirstily sipped up a mouse which had been watching her in the nearby foliage whiskers twitching in anticiption. “Well” I said to Victoria,” I think we had better get back to the ship too before Britannia forgets us and leaves us behind.” Edward Worman & Jackie Fahey

My Dream

I watched The Chase on TV Challenge channel, then realised it was 10pm, so went to bed. I switched on the reading light, picked up my book, and began to read. Suddenly, I had a lightbulb moment: it was a book about astrology, and I’d reached the chapter on Pisces, which of course fish. I then turned off the light, and settled down to sleep. In a deep sleep, I began to dream; I dreamt I was on an aeroplane-going to I don’t know where. I realied that the crew were all turtles, and the passengers, were mice! I went to the toliet, where there was also a water-fountain, so I had a drink too. We landed in a forest full of large trees. What a funny dream! Josie Singer

I was invited to a tea party at Buckingham Palace, the tea set was pretty, it had roses on it. I had little sandwiches and ice cream with fruit and a Victoria sponge. Suddenly, I saw a fluffy white mouse run under the chair, perhaps it had escaped from a ship? Had it hidden in the Queen’s luggage from her holiday? Or perhaps Prince George had brought it in from the garden when he was playing in the sandpit with his bucket and spade? Ros Bennett

On the good Ship Compaid, the cast and crew Set about improving their abilities on computers with the aid of a Mouse. Victoria believes in Improving client’s skills and abilities in a nice atmosphere, people practice the art of being social. She likes interacting with people and understands the importance of good therapy at the Centre. At the end of the day, the Fruit of our labour are borne out with smiles of satisfaction by clients and staff...... err...... a Spade is a garden implement. Darren Smith

A Dangerous Mouse (Beware)

There was a ship called Victoria, it set sail to collect some fruit.When it got into open sea the sea was rough. As a ship mate went down below he saw a mouse running around on the floor. So he grabbed a spade and chased the mouse around the ship hull. When he cornered it the mouse jumped up and bit him on the nose. He dropped the spade and shouted out OUCH. He said “I will get you if it’s the last thing I do.”

24 John Wateridge

Second set of buzzwords: aeroplane - fountain - turtle - fish - book - lightbulb - tree

Wendy’s Story

It was one of those really awful days where no-one knew what to do as it had turned out to be rather miserable and this was in the middle of Summer, so there was a lot of people who were staying indoors as it was such a miserable day, although it was wet my dad still had to go out in the nasty wet weather as he was a farm worker and you can’t do any kind of farming inside, so it was a case of get wet or don’t go out to do your work.

So being as it was such an awful day and most of us were stuck inside, a few of us decided that we would go down town and just potter around quite a few of the shops, however I wasn’t all that keen on shopping for clothes so I pottered off to see if there was something like perhaps a museum. Now quite a few of my friends were not interested in going to a museum so in the end we all decided to meet up at one particular place, and that would be somewhere like a restaurant so that we could tell each other what we had bought etc.

Everyone was showing each other what they had bought but I just kept quiet as I had gone to a very interesting museum and in there had seen some very interesting things like a really old aeroplane that had carried a lot of interesting things to their destination such as a fountain that needed to be transported up to Scotland at the moment it was still down in the south of the country.

Now once I had delivered this fountain I decided that before I travelled

25 back to the souch of the country I would go and find myself a small river so that I could do a bit of fishing as that was my favourite hobby. So once I had found myself a very nice quiet part of the river.

I put all my fishing tackle under quite a nice tree and just hoped that it would stop raining. Once I had got back to my hotel room all I wanted to do was lie on my bed and relax, but when I got back to my room I tried to put the light on but unfortunately the lightbulb had blown so I had to ask the receptionist if she could get someone to go to my room to change my light bulb, she said that she would pass the message on to the maintenance people in the hope that they would change the bulb fairly quickly as it beginning to get fairly dark and if you wanted to do any reading you would be out of luck.

When I was in the museum I saw a very old turtle as I was going around the various floors and found the talk that they gave us all about this particular turtle was very intersting so I decided I found the information about the way these turtles lived very interesting. Wendy Davis

Buzzwords 2

I was going by aeroplane (obviously!) to Italy for a short holiday. On the plane, to while away the time, I switched on the overhead reading light, and opened my book and started to read. Suddenly, everything went dark, so I called a steward, who said the lightbulb had blown; he replaced it, so I could read again. We landed in Rome, and took a taxi, to a hotel, where I had a rest, then a change of clothes. It was much warmer than it had been in London. I went out, and did the touristy bits, like the Spanish Steps, the Vatican, the Colosseum the Opera House, then a cafe, where I had a coffee and a gelato. Then I went to the Trevi Fountain, and threw in some coins, to make sure I would go back. I went up the hill, to where Romulus killed Remus, and saw the tree where the deed was done. Then I was exhausted, so went back to the hotel, where I began to plan my next trip; to the Gala pagos to see the turtles and the brightly-coloured fish.

Josie Singer

Owl Buzzwords

2 owls were in a tree, one was an eagle owl, the other was a snowy owl. They were talking to each other on Twitter. They started to argue about the EU Referendum, in or out. The snowy owl said in, the eagle owl said out, and flew away in a huff in the sky, to a different tree. It was actually a honey tree, but owls don’t eat sticky stuff, they prefer mice and insects, and there was no expense account, as in his old home. Also, he couldn’t see thee sky from his new pad, and the tree was so high, there was a shortage of oxygen, and the flowers wouldn’t grow in his garden. The sun shone all the time, this was bad news, as owls are nocturnal. He went back on twitter, to find his old tree home, whick was nicer after all. Josie Singer

BUZZWORD SHORT STORIES

Buzzwords: bear - plane - squash - mint

CHILDHOOD

I collect Teddy Bears. I cannot remember when I started just that they are all over the place. They are all squashed in boxes, cupboards, the attic etc. When I was eight years old we moved to Biggin Hill from the Old Kent Road. We were able to see all sorts of planes flying in the sky above us. Also we could visit the Airfield on Open days, when roads were packed with cars. Carol Parker

My special friend

I’ve loved carpentry ever since Daddy Bear gave me a chisel and plane for my third birthday. I’d carved a rocking-bear by the time I was four, and at five I’d built a squash court. Before my seventh birthday I’d had so many royal commissions from around the world that I was absolutely minted. A friend of mine said “‘Ere, you is such a clever bear, innit?” I bowed and said “Thank you, your Majesty.” Jonathan Sargant

A Day At Work.

I went to work on a Monday morning. I had to catch a train from Euston then

27 the tube to Kentish Town. When you get on on the tube you can get squashed. Once I got on all you could smell is peppermint. I wish the journey was not such a bore because I had to catch a plane. When I got on the plane it was full of big bears they were all eating mints. John Wateridge

Where Are My Mints?

I was driving in my car, so I stopped at the shops and got some mints. As I was in the shop, a friend said to me “fancy a game of squash today?” I said “ maybe some other time. I have planned to watch the planes at the airport. Then I am going to the zoo with my niece and nephew to see the bears”. When we got there the bears were eating some mints. (Where are my mints?) John Wateridge

MINT??

I was ready to meet my girlfriend and I looked in the mirror and thought to myself “Oh Christ I look mint”. I met her and we sat down and discussed where to go for our holiday. We decided to go to Australia to visit my relatives for the first time. On the plane we discussed things and she found out that football is my favourite sport and I found out that hers is squash. Carl Wood

Buzz words 5

I was on a plane on the way to the USA; I decided to eat a choc-chip and mint Cornetto. When we landed in Boston, I took a taxi to my hotel, where I had a rest, a shower and a change of clothes. I was hungry, so found a restaurant. The waitress was very helpful, and said, “bear with me while I find some butternut squash for lunch”... Josie Singer

28 July: Stories in Rhyme

Cluedo Rhyme

he game takes place in a country house, the victim is called Dr Black. Oh dear, alack. Where and how did the murder take place? No worries, I’m on the case. Was it maybe Colonel Mustard? He’s looking flustered. Perhaps it was Miss Scarlett She’s such a harlot. Or maybe the Reverend Green, He’s nowhere to be seen Or perhaps Plofessor Plum, No, don’t be dumb. No, it was Miss Peacock. What a shock. Our killer may be Mr White, What a fright. Where did the murder take place; What a disgrace. Maybe in the kitchen, The corpse would still be twitching. Or perhaps in the cellar, The cave-dweller. Or in the conservatory, Not observatory. In maybe the library; That would be scary. Or in the dinner-room With a broom. Maybe in the billiard-place, In your face. Perhaps in the hall By the wall. What weapon was used?

29 To kill the abused. Maybe the dagger With a swagger. Coshed on the head with lead-piping. Put paid to his typing. He was strangled with a rope, No, not soap. Shot with the revolver, Problem-solver. Never mind, Dr Black is dead, There’s no more to be said. The End. By Josie Singer Illuminated letter by Ros Bennett

STORY IN RHYME

This is the tale of a teddy-bear, He got up in the morning and wondered what to wear. He opened the wardrobe, and looked on the rack; But didn’t like his trousers, they were all black. He wanted for breakfast some white bread and jam, But instead had got brown toast with ham. He tried to go out, but his front door was stuck; He sighed, because he was right out of luck.

He climbed out of the window, and sat on the ledge, Then gracefully fell into a rose-hedge. As he got out of the bushes, he checked how he fared, And realised his house-keys were still on the chair, He climbed back in to retrieve his keys, And then suddenly wobbled and fell on his knees. Then said oh blow it, and decided instead To take off his clothes and to go back to bed. Josie Singer

STORY IN RHYME 2

I go to Compaid once a week,

30 When there, I don’t play “hide and seek” I drink my tea, and chat to my friends, I use a computer to learn new trends. I like writing stories and poems too, All about the animals in my zoo. I design and print a birthday card, Sometimes this can be very hard. I then have lunch, and go to the loo, And think about what else to do? I know, I think I’ll play a word game, Scrabble or text twist, is that too tame? No, it is very good for my brain! I may became a bit of a geek. I CAN’T WAIT FOR MY NEXT WEEK. Josie Singer

The Pied Pigeon Piper

Delicious plump pigeons ready for pie Roasting on a spit over there on high

The big fat cat waiting for its dinner below It’s fat tale swishing in the afterglow

And so there is a tale to tell, of animals large and small

And folk that was very hungry their tummies rumbled for apple-y pigeon crumble but mustn’t grumble.

Dogs barked while the beggars are coming to town

Larks sung overhead while many fled from plagues of old

Desperate times for many frozen in time. Nina McMillan & James Goodsir

STORY IN RHYME 3

31 e love to talk about the weather, But in England, we get whatever. In July, the sun is hot, But do we like it; no, we do not. But then we get the wind and rain, And wish it was July again. Then in winter, we get snow, And everything is on ”go slow”. But if we didn’t have weather to talk about. We’d all go dumb, there is no doubt. Josie Singer Illuminated letter by Liz Chessell

32 August: Beginnings and endings

Stories beginning and ending with set phrases. Choice 1: beginning with “A normal day at Compaid...” and ending with “...what a disaster that was”.

A journey to Compaid

I arrived at Compaid for what I hoped wold be “A normal day at Compaid” but first of all I needed a cup of coffee so it was a case of waiting for that, as the person who made the drinks had to go for a meeting to find out what else she would be doing during the day and being as she dealt with food as well she also went around asking people for the amount of money that their food would cost.

After the meeting that people had been to everyone went off with their teacher so that the clients would be able to learn a lot more about computers. Today I decided to make a card of some kind mainly because shortly we would be celebrating our ruby wedding anniversary so I thought that it would be a nice idea to try and make my husband a special card at compaid.

However I was unable to make a card this particular week as no-one knew how to make cards so I would have to do this another week.

Well I thought that being as our anniversary was about five weeks away I should have learnt how to make a card by then.

I left the card making at compaid for a while and carried on with something else. The main thing that I preferred to do was writing short stories so that is what I carried on with this particular week however thinking of ideas all the time can be difficult so I tend to listen to other people’s conversations and try to get ideas from that kind of thing.

The following week we were travelling to Compaid as usual but out of the blue we all witnessed a very bad accident and as we had plenty of room in our van our driver offered some help to the walking wounded which we all thought was a very nice offer but the ambulance people said that “he was

33 unable to do this” in case the walking wounded should all of a sudden become a lot worse than they seemed so we left them to deal with the accident on their own.

What a disaster that was! By Wendy Davis

Choice 2: beginning with “Nobody knows I’m a spy...”, ending with “...likes his bingo, doesn’t he?” and containing the phrase “...a special offer on baked beans...”

Nobody knows I’m a spy, but I know some Russian. No, really - I learnt it college, along with French and German. I’m not really a spy. After college, I worked as a translator-not for the KGB, but the British Standards Institute.

But he worked undercover as a farmer.

It was a dark and stormy night. The next morning, two farmers were chatting. “bad storm last night” ”oh yes, terrible, wasn’t it” “damage your barn ?” “don’t know; haven’t found it yet!!!!”

I went back home for some lunch; I was hungry after a morning farming, feeding my pigs, driving the tractor, and everything else one has to do on a farm. I really fancied some beans on toast, but there were none in the larder. “oh well, I’d better go to the supermarket to buy some”

Imagine my joy when I found a special offer on baked beans.

After lunch, although he wanted a siesta, he thought he had better go and do some more work on the farm, so off he went on his tractor.

Then Prince Charles arrived in his helicopter, which ruined some crops. “Let’s go and play bingo” “oh not again”said the farmer “I always lose”

34 They play for money. Now I hate bingo, I’d rather stick pins in my eyes. But he likes his bingo, doesn’t he. By Josie Singer

Choice 3: beginning with “In Rio de Janeiro...” and ending with “...looking like a hedgehog”.

In Rio de Janeiro it is very, very hot and sometimes very windy. When I went there on holiday I decided to have a go at most of the Olympic sports. First of all I had a go at gymnastics which took place outside and performed a double someersault as the crowds applauded loudly and then after a few twirls I did a backflip which made them cheer still more. Then just to finish off I vaulted over the horse and did the splits much to the crowds amazement. For a few minutes after that I was walking bandy legged as if I had actually been riding a horse.

The next thing I tried was synchronised swimming with a few friends. I was not much good at this as I cannot tell my left from my right so I went the opposite way to everyone else involved. Also the chlorine made me sneeze and sneeze so hard that the audience in the two front rows got drenched.

I then decided that I would have a go at archery. I drew back my bow and the arrow flew into the air and landed in someone’s hair. I couldn’t see who it was but was later told it was an old man with a toupee which then flew away and left him bald.

y this time I felt a bit like Mr. Bean but decided I would have one more go at another sport. I chose the springboard three metre diving at which I thought I would be really expert. After all I had tried jumping from a stool into a paddling pool at home so I thought this would be good fun and easy. However, as I looked down from the springboard I notice that the water in the pool looked very green. Oh well, I thought, here goes and did a couple of twirls (I was getting used to doing those), dived into the green murk and found myself touching something prickly. When I surfaced I was covered in prickles and found myself looking like a hedgehog.

35 By Jane Sanderson Illuminated letter by Alex Piper

36 September: Pyramid poems

A poem in which each line has one syllable more than the one before. A variation is, after a certain point, to subtract a syllable from each line again.

Like owls

Teddies too.

They play scrabble

And go travelling.

They do competitions,

And often win at quizzes.

The prizes they gets are worth having.

They are quite worn out, so go to bed.

The owl was sick, because he ate too much;

He went to the doctor, who gave him tablets

Teddy took some pills too, which made him feel funny

He ate some honey to take away the awful taste

Just a spoonful of honey helps the medicine go down

Supercallifragilisticexpiallidocious

When they start to laugh, they float up to the ceiling.

37 Feed the birds, tuppence a bag, says the poor crone.

The teddies join in, “We’re hungry as well.”

Then the owls want some nice tasty mice

Now that’s made me hungry as well.

What can I have for my lunch.

The cat wants fish.

After lunch

We sleep

Snore!

Josie Singer

38 October & November: Two-Part Stories

Stories where the beginning and ending are written by different people.

It wasn’t the first time he had driven a car, but it was certainly the first time he had driven over 150 mph on a public road. The trouble was, because he was blind, he couldn’t see the speedometer. “It’s dark anyway,” he laughed to his passenger. “I wouldn’t be able to see a thing even if I wasn’t blind!” She shuddered and covered her own eyes as if in sympathy. “I don’t like it,” she wailed.

I got the impression that the female passenger was regretting getting into the passenger seat as she kept covering her eyes so she couldn’t see how fast the driver was going. When we got home I was so relieved to be able to sit in a seat without it going far too fast. After all I wasn’t used to travelling so fast. My partner was one of these people who liked speed and he often said the faster you go the better but that’s not what I think. I often said to him if you don’ t slow down he police will catch you for speeding and all he said back to me was don’t be daft. But after we had been home for a while he said to me was I really going very fast I said you were going a lot faster than the speed limit signs said but that’s not really your fault as you are unable to see how fast you should be going, so let’s hope the police will understand your situation I think that it may be very unlikely but let’s hope you get an understandable person. Good luck anyway. Beginning by Jonathan Sargant Ending by Wendy Davis

39 Other writings

A few of the other stories and poems written at Compaid in 2016

The day my friends and I ran away together

IT started as any day when Dad called me in and said Mum and I are going away for a week I said Who will be looking after us? Dad said MR and MRS TIMS and their son John will be looking after you. Well it was all right for Dad to say who would be looking us after as Mum and Dad knew them but my friends and I had never heard of them. The next day MR AND MRS TIMS and John turned up so Mum and Dad could leave. MR TIMS SAID Take our cases up and put them in the bed room which I did. John said Come on hurry up and unpack our cases I went back down and MR TIMS gave me a list of jobs to do and said I WILL make sure that you have done the jobs if they are not done right I will punish you by sending you to bed early and giving you more jobs. It was the same for my friends. On the Tuesday I was doing the sink and MRS TIMS said WHY are taking so long? I said You given me so many jobs to do and I am finding it hard to keep up. MR TIMS said Get to bed all of you and do not get up until we tell you. Well that was it my friends and I got up dressed packed our cases and raided the larder and ran away. By David Manktelow

Clocks all clocks

Clocks tell the time Clocks can make me late Clocks can make me on time Clocks can make me early Clocks can break Clocks are just clocks. By Sue Buckwell

40 Table of Contents

Table of Contents 2 Title page 3 January - Clerihews 4 February - Acrostics 12 March - Haiku 17 March - Limericks 18 April - Short(ish) stories 21 May & June - Buzzwords 22 July - Stories in Rhyme 29 August - Beginnings and endings 33 September - Pyramid poems 37 October & November - Two-part stories 39 Other writings 40