University of Missouri, St. Louis IRL @ UMSL

Current (2010s) Student Newspapers

4-5-2010

Stagnant, April 05, 2010

University of Missouri-St. Louis

Follow this and additional works at: https://irl.umsl.edu/current2010s

Recommended Citation University of Missouri-St. Louis, "Stagnant, April 05, 2010" (2010). Current (2010s). 11. https://irl.umsl.edu/current2010s/11

This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at IRL @ UMSL. It has been accepted for inclusion in Current (2010s) by an authorized administrator of IRL @ UMSL. For more information, please contact [email protected]. APRIL 5, 2010

VOL. 43; The Stagnant ISSUE 1309 ALSO INSIDE SLUM Quidditch HAIL OUR NEW Team to start this fall CHANCELLOR! 6

‘There Will Be Bloodbaths’ sequel announced 8

Prospector J. Q. Vauxhall Jr. wins control of SLUM Stupid hipsters from Chancellor Tom 11 “The Tank Engine” George in high-stakes poker game. PAGE 3

STD and XXX host ‘Orgy for the Cure’ 13 2 | The Stagnant | APRIL 5, 2010 RUMORS

The Stagnant VOLUME 43, ISSUE 1309

PROPAGANDISTS Dictator...... Hollywood Keil Forest Man...... Beardy Dude Mayor of Journalism...... Richard Millhouse Phipps Head Features Bitch...... Sasweeta Ol’ Bean Master Dork...... Club “Sandwich” Seal Jocks Editor...... Sporty Spice Awesome Guy...... Cochise Culture Vulture...... Cocky Mocker Barbarian...... Jim Shafer Crappy Editors...... Spacey Beckenholdt, Becky “The Hyphenator” Knuckles poofreedrz...... Mrs. T, Say Again Gotcha Journalists...... Sam Adams, Ashley Afghans, Scarlett O’Hara, Roach Clip, Jan Scherererererer, RICHARD MILLHOUSE PHIPPS / THE STAGNANT Papa Sky, Sir Edward Thore III

ARTISTIC HIPSTERS God...... Gene Ween The Parking War to end all parking wars Assistant to the Gene...... Dean Ween Soul Stealer...... Jennifer Meathead HOLLYWOOD KEIL claiming Residential Half- ity,” BabeRaham Ritter, never in my wildest days Magic Paper Elves...... Gold Bullion, Comic Sans Freeman Dictator Life half-trained the assassin president of the Northern could I have foreseen this sort Paparazzi...... Sofie Sex, Albert Anderson, Hilarious Name Tanaka, to murder Ferdinand-Chow Campus, said in an address of ruthlessness,” Charles Kor- Leanna Ohwells After months of preven- in attempts to “…tarnish the to the Assembly, “Tey can’t relione, professor emeritus This Guy...... Gold Bullion tative war talks between the Shack Valley Apartments’ im- yellow-ticket scare the Unit- of history and recent author Staving Artists...... Jif DVD Voiceman, The Wolfman, Jerkins Perkins, SLUM empires of Adminis- peccable reputation of safety ed Commuter Students into of “More than a Commute: Gold Bullion, Comic Sans Freeman tro-Faculty and the United and security.” seceding from its alliance All Quiet on the Unnatural Commuter Students, Turs- And after the University with the night school com- Bridge,” said. MONEY LAUNDERING FRONT day’s assassination of the Cellpartments war declara- muters. My government is of Ten, while sadly watch- Business Mangler...... Oreck Vacuum Minister of Propaganda...... Ludwig van Bach Archduke of Parking Ap- tion was read in the “What’s the commuter, by the com- ing some chemistry profes- Budget Cutting Manager...... Other Phipps peals, E. “Franz” Ferdinand- Stagnant” section of the ru- muter, and for the commut- sors nerve-gas the trenches Holder of Bail Money...... Petty Cash Chow (so-named because of mormonger newspaper, Te er. All commuters are created that used to be the Sexy his undying love for Franzia Stagnant (or, as we call it, equal! I am therefore declar- Nursing College Building, www.thecurrent-online.com box wine), erupted in several “Te Gestapo”) war declara- ing war against the Highway Korrelione named the con- declarations of war. tions began to be handed Robbery and Transportation fict the “Parking War to Today, SLUM criminol- out like those annoying fyer Department Empire.” End All Parking Wars” and The Stagnant is the annual parody issue of The Current. The stories, ogy majors are still uncertain people on the Y2K Bridge Ten, after a pause, she walked toward the MetroS- photographs, and illustrations are not real and should not be taken which group trained the as- had something to do with it. added: “And also against tink station, head bowed, as seriously. The Stagnant does not intend to seriously offend any indi- vidual or group. Advertisements in this issue are real unless otherwise sassin who frst poisoned the Soon, SLUM empires be- the Adminstro-Faculty Em- the sun’s blood-orange rays specified. Advertising rates are available upon request; terms, condi- Archduke by replacing the gan accusing rival empires pire just because I’m not up set in the west. tions, and restrictions apply. bag in his Franzia box (nor- of providing the second half for reelection next year and A day later, Friday, April mally flled with fermented, of training to Ferdinand- they’ve been bustin’ my balls 2, the war commenced with The Current, financed in part by student activities fees for now, is not headache-inducing liquid Chow’s assassin and students all week.” the signing of the Treaty of an official publication of UM-St. Louis. The University is not responsible for the content of The Current or The Stagnant and/or its policies. All bliss) with Chartwellian began parking in emergency It can be argued that it Pierre-Laclede, wherein fac- materials contained in each printed and online issue are property of white zinfandel-favored piz- hazard parking spots, parking was this proclamation that ulty promised to stop park- The Current and may not be reprinted, reused, or reproduced without za grease, and then backed on lawns and in classrooms, turned the War on Parking ing in students’ spots all the the prior, expressed and written consent of The Current, including The over his artery-clogged corpse and even parking over the from your run-of-the-mill time and students promised Stagnant. in the Shack Valley apart- beautifully painted lines that parking warfare into apoca- to stop taking all the Me- The Stagnant does not accept letters to the editor, gripes, qualms, ment complex parking lot distinguish one parking spot lyptic pandemonium. Imme- troStink parking to quick- complaints or bones-to-pick. If we’ve done something that you don’t into his parking space with from the other! diately after Northern Cam- and-sneakily avoid buying a like, write it down on a piece of paper, and mail it to: The Stagnant their Gremlin. And within one day, pus aligned with the United parking pass. Complaint Dept., Trash Can, 1 University Blvd, St. Louis, MO 63121. Almost immediately after the Highway Robbery and Commuter Students against After signing the treaty, Also, consider complaining to the University so they can cut our fund- the news of the assassination Transportation Department the Administro-Faculty Em- the empires all attended the ing even more, or perhaps suspend us. Again. was read in the “Crimeline” Empire declared war on the pire, the Southern Cam- funeral service of Ferdinand- (DON’T) CONTACT US of the rag newspaper (or as we United Commuter Students pus ofcially seceded from Chow, the sole casualty of call it—“propagandapaper”) Empire after they refused to SLUM, ofering free parking Te Parking War to End All Address Hobo.Jungle,.1.University.Blvd Te Stagnant, the University comply with an ultimatum to any commuter willing to Parking Wars. Saint Louis, MO 63121-4400 Cellpartments Powers de- that the Empire keeps night fght on its side. A reception followed. Newsroom 267-385-3706 clared war against the Resi- school commuters neutral. “Parking disputes have Franzia wine provided free of Business/Advertising 781-452-2073 dential Half-Life Empire, “Tis is just utter insan- caused wars in the past, but charge. Fax The fax is broken. E-mail.(General) [email protected] WEATHER E-mail.(Advertising) [email protected] E-mail.(Employment.Inquiries) [email protected] M 159 T 201 W 211 TH 231 F 1112 S -66 S 707 E-mail.(Tips) [email protected] Twitter slumstagnant 99 121 97 230 915 -73 111 RUMORS APRIL 5, 2010 | The Stagnant | 3 WORLD NEWS

Joe Biden not really US citizen Amongst fiery debate over Barack Obama’s nationality, which turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of hot air, it was revealed that Joseph Biden is actually a Canadian national who has been living under false pretense in the United States since 1974, when he fled to America for its lax gun laws—Biden is an avid collector of vintage Kalashnikovs. “Herbal Tea Party” contests Tea Party Established in 1959, the National Herbal Tea Party has long been a quiet, mild-mannered proponent of all things herbal and loose-leaf. According to their mission statement, the non-political group seeks, via their charter, to “spread awareness of delicious herbal teas as well as the baked confections that so tastefully accompany them.” Their Thursday announcement of official sanctions on the recently formed Tea Party is the most widely publicized event of this nature since liberals formed the “Scone Party” to protest the LEANNA OHWELLS / THE STAGNANT Iraq War in 2005, much to the chagrin of the longstanding Lady’s Scone Party.

Goblet of Fire chooses underage wizard Chancellor loses the university in poker Shocking the Wizard community, the powerful, indisputable Goblet of Fire declared that underage wizard Harry Potter RICHARD MILLHOUSE watch and a mule.’ I mean, if ning for gold in shallow Chancellor Vauxhall sees was to be an official contestant in this year’s Triwizard .....PHIPPS I had pulled that of, SLUM streams in an attempt to gain the vocations being taught Tournament. Shocking both average members of the Mayor of Journalism would have actually profted enough wealth to top his through his new courses community and officials in the Ministry of Magic, the At 3:47 a.m. last Turs- …. Have you seen how much father’s achievements. How- as “men’s work.” Classes Goblet’s declaration has sparked rumors that the young day, SLUM Chancellor Tom mules are going for these ever, he has often gambled open to female students are: Harry had somehow cheated in order to participate “the tank engine” George lost days?” George said. whatever he has prospected burlesque dancing, vittles prematurely in the Tournament. the deed to the university af- Te deed was lost in a f- away or spent it on whores cookin’, advanced vittles ter betting it in a poker game nal all-or-nothing bet made and whiskey. cookin’ and courses in cos- Pope Benedict XVI says “everything’s cool” with a one-eyed prospector, by George after wagering Vauxhall sees his take in metics and hair care, “So’s Pope Benedict XVI announced during an Easter Sunday J.Q. Vauxhall Jr. who has SLUM’s operating budget, the poker game with for- they can make themselves service at the Vatican that “Everything’s cool, we got this taken control of the universi- all SBAC funds for the next mer Chancellor George as real purdy-like for the men shit under control.” His announcement followed a troubling ty and all of its properties, re- fve years, $463 in petty cash achieving his original goals. folk.” Vauxhall says. week for the Catholic Church following widespread placing George as chancellor. and the Yamaha electric pi- “Tem people always told SLUM students have re- accusations throughout Europe of priests molesting George says that he ran ano in the back room of his me when I was a boy that I acted to their new chancellor. children. “No need for anybody to step down or anything. I into Vauxhall after play- ofce. After sleeping of his ain’t never gonna top my “He came up to me while mean, really, this isn’t that big of a deal. I mean, Jesus told ing a set with his acid-jazz hangover, Vauxhall took over pappy. Hell, he got Black-32 I was waiting for my piece of me it wasn’t, and you aren’t going to argue with him, are combo, Te Tom “the tank as chancellor the next day af- every time ‘an came up with prime rib in Te Nosheous you? I mean, he died for your sins. Today.” he added. engine” George Experience, ter forcing George to pay up his patented kooch oil—but the other day and asked if I at Harrah’s Casino. “with the business end of ma’ lookit me now, I own me a knew what nature’s French French people ban ketchup He was slowly spending shotgun,” Vauxhall said. college!” Vauxhall said. tickler was. When I told After decades of chefs spitting in the faces of Americans the $25 dollar allowance his Vauxhall, or “Rusty”, Chancellor Vauxhall has him I didn’t, he just stared who ask for ketchup after receiving their meals in France, wife had given him to gamble comes from a long line of already begun sweeping at me with his one eye and President Nicolas Sarkozy has announced that France will on penny slots when Vaux- hard drinking, womanizing renovations to the campus, hummed for a while be- no longer import the favored condiment into the country. hall invited him to join in on gamblers and cattle rustlers. beginning with transforming fore wandering of. It really Besides noting the fact that it is an insult to supurb French a poker game he would be Outstanding among them is the Y2K student center into creeped me out,” Valerie Ja- chefery asking for ketchup at a French bistro, Sarkozy also running later that night. his great-great grandfather, a $9.99 all-you-can-eat prime cobs, junior, advanced vittles noted that it’s “really annoying” that Americans don’t even By 1:32 a.m. the other S. Abercrombie Vauxhall, rib bufet and casino. A vocal cookin’, said. know what to call the condiment. “Is it catsup? Or ketchup? three players in the game had who won what is now North opponent of what he refers “After class I went to the Come on, throw me a bone here!” Sarkozy said. backed out after betting and Dakota in a fxed blackjack to as, “book lernin’,” Vaux- Pie Lot Haus to watch the losing everything to Vaux- game, and his father, J.Q. hall has also done away with burlesque students and the Parents still hate their kid’s musical tastes hall. George stayed in, de- Vauxhall Sr., who is known SLUM’s academic divisions, chancellor invited me to sit at Even though The Beatles sang songs about tripping acid spite loosing hand after hand for inventing a method for replacing them with classes his table. He shared his whis- and Elvis gyrated like a sex crazed maniac/Tiger Woods- to the one-eyed prospector. rigging a roulette wheel and aimed at teaching students key with me and taught me wannabe, parents are still saying that their kid’s generation “I just couldn’t quit … I creating a form of contracep- skills he sees as essential. Te how to roll a cigarette with of music is distasteful, crass, and altogether satanic in its just kept thinking to myself, tive that is still illegal in ev- new classes are: prospecting, one hand. Man, that guy vulgarity. “That Lady Antebellum really needs to clean up ‘Gee, if I can just hang in ery state except Arkansas and card counting, and whiskey has some crazy stories,” Jared their act.” said Virginia Walters, a spokesperson for Focus here and get one good hand I Maine. distilling or “Moonshinin’.” Hof, freshman, prospecting, on the Family who was once a Metallica groupie back in the can win all of this back, plus Chancellor Vauxhall has Tese new classes are not said. 80s and wore really tight red jeans. his bag of gold dust, pocket spent much of his life pan- open to female students as 4 | The Stagnant | APRIL 5, 2010 POLL What’s your favorite pie chart color?

Statslot Seafoam Unripe Banana UNDERSTAGNANT by Beardy Dude 5% 5% Clotted Blood The Current has been horrible for ages, this is a fact proved by science. But why? Why does The Current suck so much? 32% Jaundice

“The Current’s Editor “Their photographers Basketball in Chief is a woman. take too many head Do I have to point out shots. There’s alot 58% what’s wrong with that of other ways to picture?” photograph the human This week: body.” How much do you love The Stagnant? Dandy Ripps Shakina Hollywood Freshman Sophomore Answer at Cursing Alchemy www.thecurrent-online.com

“Their designers need “My little bro liked The to go back to school. Current. I had to kick CRIMELINE Why don’t they use him in the face when he more Comic Sans and told me.” Tuesday, April 1 Papyrus?” Domestic Assault 9th Degree - Snack Valleys Condominiums The victim reported that at about 9:15 PM., she and her pot-bellied pig got into an argument Dill Creedman Hardack Dresden and an altercation ensued. There were no injuries and both parties had a slightly different Sophomore Junior explanation of the incident. The victim did not want to press any charges or play patty-cake Cosmic Evolution Macroscience anymore. This pointless matter will not be sent to student unfairs. The victim is a student of SLUM and her pot-bellied pig is not. The pot-bellied pig was escorted from the property. OUT OF CONTEXT Monday, Feb. 5 “We’re no strangers to love Property Damage to a Robot - Y2K North Garage You know the rules and so do I Sometime between 3-24-10 and 3-28-10 person(s) unknown damaged the motivator unit A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of of a student’s astrometric robot. The victim had her robot parked and secured and further advised that entry was not gained into the robot and nothing is missing. You wouldn’t get this from any other guy.” -Rick Astley Thursday, March 8 Stealing Over $5000000000000000.00 - R.J. Renolds Building “I live to see you eat that contract, but I The victim (an SLUM professional video game player) reported that sometime between 9:15 hope you leave enough room for my fist AM and 9:45 AM person(s) unknown stole his shiny new wallet full of cash and stuff. The vic- because I’m going to ram it into your stom- tim indicated he was working in the lower area of the building and left the items unattended, ach and break your spine!” and when he returned, they were gone. Go figure. -Arnold Schwarzenegger Remember that space crime prevention is a community effort, and anyone having information concerning these, or any other incidents should contact the Robocops. It is absolutely very “We will not go quietly into the night! necessary for everyone to lock their airlock doors when they are out. Even if it is only for a We will not vanish without a fight! We’re minute or two or three, a simple locking of the door will prevent most thefts from occurring. going to survive! Today we celebrate our As a reminder, please report any suspicious people or activity to the SLUM Robocops immedi- ately by calling the main number of 555-555-5155. Independence Day!” -Bill Pullman

IF YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE HERE,

“Dead or alive, you’re coming with me.” CHECK US OUT ONLINE AT -Robocop www.thestagnant-online-inter- webs.com.org.edu RUMORS APRIL 5, 2010 | The Stagnant | 5 Escalator broken again; temporarily stairs New clothing optional classes RICHARD MILLHOUSE PHIPPS so while using the derelict escalator as stairs. Mayor of Journalism Tis being because climbing stairs requires us- Ashley Afgans backed Ricky Nogene, that.” ing one hand to steady oneself while climb- Gotcha Journalist freshman, media studies, Te issue of maintain- Te escalator that connects the frst foor ing them, in order to retain balance while the said. “Plus, my doctor said ing a clean environment has of the Y2K Student Center to its second foor forces of gravity pull down on their mass. Wednesday, March 24, that this class would be re- come up with administra- ceased to function again late last week. Tis “Goddamnit, this piece of shit is broken SLUM hosted their frst ally good for my overactive tion when deciding to push latest malfunction of the mechanized climb- again?” Ryan Huesling, senior, whiskey dis- clothing optional class pe- sweat glands,” he added. forward with the suggestion ing device is the 72nd this semester so far and tilling, said. “I have to get these two trays riod in an Introduction to “In the past, whenever of clothing optional classes. has rendered this modern technological mar- of prime rib and fxins’ all the way up to the Advertising class. I had taken a class that re- Tat is why starting next vel, yet again, into being a fight of large, awk- third foor. How in the fuck am I supposed to After years of fghting quired presentation, people fall, students in these classes ward stairs until specially trained repair men do that? Grow another arm to grab the rail? over the issue, a petition found it hard to listen to my can purchase a paper seat come to make it operational again. My girlfriend is waiting on me at the slot ma- by certain student groups views and opinions. Now, cover at the bookstore for Te cause of the problem seems to be some chines.” was approved following the they will not be able to look $25 dollars. kind of belt or the motor inside of the mecha- In addition, the escalator that allows stu- publication of a few ques- away,” Agora Speak, junior, Tey will come in all col- nism that drives the revolving stairwell, ac- dents to travel from the second foor to the tionable photos involving media studies, said. ors of the rainbow, includ- cording to building maintenance superinten- third is still operational, and its movement in administration, animals, “Um, I thought this was ing neon brown. Another dent Clark Eggers. a person’s peripheral vision while using the money, and a jello-eating the clothing optional Wom- option the administration “Yeah, I’m not sure what it is exactly,” Egg- malfunctioned escalator as stairs can cause contest. en’s Studies class,” Howard has considered is making ers said. “First time it happened, we opened it brief moments of vertigo. As the students walked Hornbee, sophomore, un- student desks available for up and the whole damn thing was flled with Students reacted negatively to the broken in, some were not hesitant decided, said. students to purchase. dust and little pieces of trash that had built up stair machine. to immediately drop down Other students were “And maybe the desk and over the years that had kinda’ clogged it up. “Mothertrucking piece of trash, it’s like, to their birthday suits, while stuck taking the class due to neon paper covers will be in- We cleaned all that out, but the damn thing the third time this week that it’s broken others scooted of to the their need to graduate at the cluded with the textbook,” still breaks down. Honestly, I don’t know down!” Julia Sandress, sophomore, cosmetics back of the room in embar- semester. Sara Casam, junior, English, what the hell is wrong with it.” said. “Why can’t they fipping fx it? I mean, rassment. “Man, I am a senior and I said. When operational, the escalator allows stu- it’s an escalator. ” “Tis is our natural skin, can not aford not to gradu- Te SLUM campus is not dents, faculty and visitors to the Y2K to get Others proposed their own theories as to fellow sisters and broth- ate again, so if I have to sit in the only school in the pro- from foor to foor within the building while why the escalator has continuously broken ers. We should be free, we a class for hours and hours cess of introducing clothing exerting little or no physical efort. Its inabil- down. should hold each other,” with naked guys… and girls, optional classes—appar- ity to function as it was designed to on a regu- “Oh, so it’s a Schindler brand escalator,” Follow Spot, senior, unde- then so be it,” Kline Klever, ently an epidemic of student lar basis has produced an increased burden on Gabe Peterson, junior, prospecting, said. “I cided, said. “Te only thing senior, media studies. groups blackmailing the people who use the escalator, as they have ac- guess it must be one of the escalators that I will keep on is my hat be- Other students were administration has spread tually had to climb from one foor of the Y2K was built for the Nazis during the war—you cause my hat is my mother. concerned with issues other throughout the Midwest. to the next as if they were climbing a fight know, the one’s that didn’t work?” Class, meet my mother.” than a classroom flled with Students groups from of stairs, which the escalator was designed by Adding to the problem, the building’s only Some students believed their naked peers. Northwestern have gone as talented engineers to replace. elevator also broke down, bringing trafc this new consideration by “I will stand in this cor- far as attempting to publish Adding to the dilemma is the fact that from level-to-level in the building to a stand- the university to be helpful ner for the rest of the year a tell-all book, and plan on visitors to Te Nosheous who have become still. toward future presentations because this class is unsani- turning that book into a accustomed to stepping onto the marvelous Some students still found a way to get in class. tary,” Lyla Sol, senior, edu- play if the administration contraption and letting it haul them from one around. “People always tell the cation, and Sigma Tau Delta does not meet their de- level of the building to another while hold- “Screw it. I’m gonna take the stairs,” Jake nervous to imagine that sorority member, said. “I mands. ing trays of food or cups of cofee can not do Buegley, junior, prospecting said. either you or the crowd is did not sign up for this class If all else fails, they in- naked. Well, now we do not to come out with a clinical tend to pass the script on to POKER, from page 3 have to pretend,” Hairy- disease—been there, done James Cameron.

Vauxhall’s ownership of SLUM and authority as chancellor and has been challenged by SLUM System president Barry Forese, who Vauxhall has challenged to a duel. Te Board of Curators will take up Forese’s challenge to Vauxhall’s authority once they decide whether or not to buy Mizzew another live tiger. Te duel will take place at high noon on April 22 in Century Room Z.

Let your voice be heard! go to our forums at AIM HIGH. thestagnant-online.com Apply at The Stagnant. All positions open! [email protected] 6 | The Stagnant | APRIL 5, 2010 Jocks Get ready for new Quidditch team in 2010 decided to start a quidditch regular kid again. And the plained that it’s even through SPORTY SPICE Jocks Editor team was to attract new col- girls here have tans and tat- magic that the university will lege student and star of those toos, and they don‘t wear even be able to supply its In an unprecedented flms, Harry Potter, fresh- robes and gowns to class. It’s equipment this season. move few on earth believed man, wizardry. great! So much better than “SLUM didn’t have the possible, SLUM athletics de- Apparently, Potter was a the girls back home. Tat’s money to purchase quality partment is expected to an- standout student and quid- when I knew I wanted to be a fying broomsticks for the nounce tomorrow its plan to ditch player at Te Hog- Triton. So here I am.” team this season, so I put a form the school’s frst quid- warts School of Witchcraft Potter’s revelation that he spell on some old brooms ditch team. and Wizardry in Scotland, is a real person and does in we found in a closet,” Pot- Tat’s right, the rousing, but had grown tired of the fact possess real magical pow- ter said. “We tested them last and sometimes brutal athlet- many attacks on his life, the ers has stunned the scientifc Tursday and they fy just ic competition made famous pressures of having to save community, which for cen- fne. So we’ll be able to play.” in the “Harry Potter” mov- the world every year, and of turies has tried to explain all Triton quidditch will play ies will now be played as an course, the really bad food. happenings in the universe its games at the new SLUM ofcial NCAA sport begin- So Potter recently an- through reasoning and scien- Quidditch Field, which will ning in the fall of 2010, and nounced to the world—who tifc experiment. be constructed on North UM-St. Louis will announce thought he only existed in Turns out, according to Campus near Natural Bridge tomorrow its intentions to books and movies—that he Potter, everything does really Road and West Drive where form a team. indeed is a real person, he happen at the whim of those the current science buildings “I saw them kids playin’ does possess magical powers, with magical powers. are, after those buildings are that crazy game in that there and that he intended to leave “I know it’s hard for demolished this summer, movie at the picture show,” Hogwarts to attend college, people to accept, but it’s the now that UM-St. Louis no new SLUM Chancellor J. regular college, in America. truth,” Potter said. “Almost longer needs a science de- Q. Vauxhall, Jr., said. “And “I’m tired of fghting all everything interesting and partment. I thought we should have a kinds of ghouls and demons exciting happens through “Who needs science?” team here too. It’s gonna be and evil wizards,” Potter said some kind of magic spell.” Chancellor Vauxhall said. a hornswaggle hoot.” in an interview conducted at Potter, who will serve as “We’ve got magic, and the Sources inside the UM- the Pie Lot Haus during his team captain for the new world’s greatest young wizard St. Louis athletic department recruiting visit over Spring SLUM quidditch team when on our side. What the fuck LEANNA OHWELLS / THE STAGNANT say the reason the university Break. “I just want to be a play begins this fall, ex- could possibly go wrong?” Appearently, our softball team is “not degraded enough”

CLUB “SANDWICH” SEAL hall Jr. said. “So I thought to tute, and St. Louis’ very own ball anymore, because that equipment also makes smart top softball player, seemed Master Dork m’self, ‘Why not just take it Fontbonnet University. could totally make them fscal sense, Pine said. unhappy about the NERF™ all the way?’.” White was not happy with break a nail. Instead, they “We spent so much a switch. Softball has always primar- When women’s softball the announcement. will be using the NERF™N- year on new softball equip- “Tat new Chancellor can ily been a sport for women. coach Beatrice White did not “He’s a stupid, stupid STRIKE Buzzsaw, a hand- ment for the ladies,” he said. go ‘fnd a stranger in the Alps’ It has also been primarily agree with the Chancellor’s man,” White cursed. “I held weapon that gently lofts “Switching to NERF™ is a lot if you know what I mean,” incredibly boring. Lucky for idea of morphing the wom- had to fght him on every- green foam balls at its target. cheaper—and safer for the she said. “I quit.” them, SLUM’s athletics di- en’s team into a combination thing—he wanted our uni- Te injection of Nerf™ girls, too.” Te men’s baseball team vision is set to change all of homemaking/cooking team, forms changed to aprons! I into the sport allows for a Te players had mixed re- was unavailable for com- that. the NERF™ compromise was don’t know how he’s even in certain unpredictability, ac- actions to the announcement. ment, due to them rolling In a surprise announce- struck. charge. What’s this about a cording to SLUM softball Marissa Trump, SLUM’s very around on the foor laughing ment on April 1, J.Q. “Don’t get me wrong— card game?” announcer Glenn Pine. own, like, super-popular and at the announcement. Vauxhall Jr., Chancellor of we’re real proud of our girls,” Players will be outftted “If you thought women’s super-cute girl, expressed her On a completely unrelat- SLUM, revealed that the Vauxhall Jr. said. “I’m just in NERF™’s custom “Dart softball was boring—you delight at the switch. ed note, the Chancellor de- women’s team would begin not fond of women playin’ in Tag Strikefre” vests, which were probably right. But now “I was like, always worried creed that the Women’s and using NERF™ brand equip- sports, that’s all. Or, uh, doin’ come with just protective the girls can bring in things that a softball would like, hit Gender Studies department ment during their matches. anything outside the home.” eyewear—available at Toys ‘R like the N-STRIKE Long- me and totally leave a bruise,” begin ofering a male-only “Women have been de- Starting this month, Us for $19.99. With the use shot Sniper Rife CS-6 to she said. “But now it won’t class entitled “Te Benefts of graded for years by bein’ SLUM will join the likes of of soft NERF™ balls, there is blast away at the other team’s leave a mark or ruin my per- Misogyny.” forced to use softballs instead other NERF™-using universi- no longer a need for helmets. outfelder. It makes for an ex- fect makeup.” of the harder, smaller base- ties like the University of Ris- Due to the change, pitch- citing way to play softball.” On the other hand, Lau- See DEGRADED WOMEN balls that men use,” Vaux- ing, Rank’n Technical Insti- ers will not be throwing the Changing to NERF™ ren West, SLUM’s former Page 28 Wanna know a secret? We only put in house ads like this to take up space because we suck at designing. JOCKS APRIL 5, 2010 | The Stagnant | 7 Triton football undefeated SLUM Sluggers set new record COCHISE in 2007. Additionally, Jakay vious team I have coached, SPORTY SPICE preserve the win. on their next drive, when Awesome Guy Ruth, junior, business man- and they have created their Jocks Editor But last week, it took a Kurt Brenda appeared to agement, hit her seventh own success with the extra furry of dramatic plays for fumble on a pass attempt, In softball, just as in base- home run of the season, and efort they placed in their Still undefeated. And SLUM to successfully com- which was subsequently re- ball, the home run is king. 14th of her career, tying the ofseason conditioning.” don’t you forget it. plete its comeback. covered by Gateway West. In 1999, a Nike commercial current record for the most But there is more to this Tat’s the message SLUM Te Tritons actually trailed But the ofcials invoked showed Mark McGwire hit- home runs by a single player. story than simple hard work, football team sent to the rest 41-0 in the fnal seconds of the “made-up-rule” clause, ting home runs with ease More amazing is the and the team is keeping it of the college football world the frst half, when Gateway and ruled Kurt Brenda’s fum- during batting practice as fact that there are still eight silent. For anyone who has with its incredible 44-41 West scored a touchdown ble a “tuck rule pass attempt” fans stared in awe as base- games left on the season for watched the team in person, comeback win over Gateway with two seconds left on the and awarded the ball back to balls turned to specks in the team, and all of which they may have noticed the West last Tursday. clock. SLUM. Te Tritons kicked the distance. Both Greg are doubleheaders. players using a new brand Te Tritons trailed the Ar- But that’s when SLUM a feld goal on that drive to Maddux and Tom Glavine, Following the pair of of bat. When coach Herzog chers 41-7 at halftime, but went to work, scoring on make the score 41-24. pitchers at the time for the wins, the women’s head soft- was asked to illuminate the rallied with six second-half the fnal play of the frst half, Te defense got into the Atlanta Braves, could not ball coach, Tommy Herzog details of the mystery hard- scores, including a brilliant when members of the Triton act on Gateway West’s next believe that McGwire was commented on the team’s ware his only response was fake feld goal as time ex- kickof return team lateralled three drives, when Triton getting all the attention. A home-run hitting craze and “if I told you it wouldn’t pired, to win the game. the ball to each other 34 defenders intercepted Gate- montage then ensued with said “I tell my players to be a secret anymore, now “I don’t know what it is times before freshman Mar- way West quarterback Brent the duo training rigorously practice patience at the plate would it?” Te new ofen- about being a Triton, but shall Hawk scored to get the Farvlisberger three straight to improve their batting and sit on a pitch they can sive weapon has the initials we just never lose,” SLUM home team on the board. times. Two of those intercep- prowess. Teir hard work drive for a hit. If your team of P.H.B. on the side, which head football coach Rick Te Tritons were aided tions went for touchdowns, paid of in the end of the is only focused on hitting stands for Performance Merveel said, while fght- some on the play when the and the third set up the fnal commercial as they both the long ball, the opposing Enhancing Bat. Discover- ing back tears. “We’ve been SLUM band, the Triton dramatic play. are hitting home runs with pitcher won’t give you any- ing how these PHB’s work on an incredible run. Never Sound, started marching SLUM was behind 41-38 ease, just as much ease as thing good to hit. Also, your can be a daunting task due lost a game in 47 years, and onto the feld, not realizing with time left for only one Big Mac’s during batting team will most likely press to the hush-hush attitude I couldn’t be any more proud the play was still going. play, when the Tritons lined practice, but much to their their swings to give the ball of the team, but a resident of my guys.” A bit of controversy hap- up as if they intended to at- dismay, the fans ask them extra distance to get over the rocket scientist, Dr. Emmett SLUM football’s 47-year pened during the halftime, tempt a long feld goal to tie, where Big Mac is. walls. “Doc” Brown, viewed flm winning streak is unprec- as the Gateway West team and hopefully send the game Te women’s softball I want my players fo- of the team and came to sev- edented in sports. No team forced their coach to resign into overtime. team at SLUM know the cused on getting runs by eral conclusions. Dr. Brown in any sport in existence, at by refusing to play the sec- But at the snap, Kurt importance of home runs, fnding holes in the oppo- said” the PHB’s resemblance any level, has ever managed ond half unless he agreed to Brenda handed the ball to and the required hard work nent’s ofense, but if they to the popular Fischer-Price to go so long without losing quit. Marshall Hawk, who then that results in such power- see a pitch they know they bats for toddlers is astound- a game. And each week it Apparently, the Archers pitched it to Isaac Bruise. ful displays of dominance can hit out of the park, they ing. seems the Tritons fnd new didn’t like the way their Te Gateway West defense at the plate. After the Slug- have the green light.” When Te design is aerody- and more dramatic ways to coach spoke to them after swarmed Isaac Bruise, so he gers latest wins in a double- coach Herzog was asked namically superior to other fnd a way to win. they allowed the Tritons to pitched the ball to Triton header against conference what was the main reason bats, and allows for batters One month ago, SLUM score on the fnal play of the waterboy Dawson Creekver- foe Sanford Brown, giving for the team’s success he said to swing with ease. Without beat L’ecole Culinaire when frst half. beek, who then threw a the Sluggers a 16-10 overall “we actually practiced in- being able to physically dis- senior wide receiver Issac Not having a coach in the perfect 50-yard pass back to record, the SLUM Sluggers doors at the Kurt Vonnegut sect the bats, that is all I can Bruise caught a 73-yard second half, really hurt Gate- Kurt Brenda, who caught the ofcially set a new record for Building. Tis allowed us to infer.” Whatever the secret touchdown pass from quar- way West as SLUM’ Marshall ball with one hand, for the home runs in a single season focus on hitting, and it sure may be, let us just hope that terback Kurt Brenda with Hawk returned the second- game-winning score, setting at SLUM with 33. Te pre- has paid of. Tese players it continues to give the Slug- just seconds left to win the half kickof for a touchdown, of a wild celebration on the vious record of 32 was set worked harder than any pre- gers a winning edge. game. this time with no laterals, to feld among the team and all Ten two weeks ago, the get the Tritons going. their Triton football fans. Tritons led from start-to- Ten after a Gateway SLUM will now play for fnish, but had to hold on for West punt, Kurt Brenda the NCEDDIEFL champi- dear life, almost literally, as threw a touchdown pass to onship against rival Missouri linebacker Mike Jonas tack- Issac Bruise to make the score Tech, in the Smuckers Straw- led a Vatterott College ball- 41-21. berry Jelly Bowl on May 10. carrier on the fnal play to Te Tritons caught a break Look at this dumb kid reading The Current. Don’t be like him. Read The Stagnant! 8 | The Stagnant | APRIL 5, 2010 Let’s take some A&E ‘More blood,’ says new director Baywatch for ‘Bloodbaths’ sequel DEAN WEEN get, nearly all spent on towels don’s Industrial Revolution take over the role of Daniel Asst. to the Gene to wipe foam from Daniel starring John C. Really as a Plainview and Shya LaBeefer Paramint Studio execu- Die-Louis’ mouth and main- factory tycoon who secretly as antagonist Paul Sunday. tives announced Monday the tain the method actor’s steady moonlights as a rising star in “Shya can literally do any- studio’s recent purchase of the diet of char-grilled possum, England’s burgeoning por- thing. Te kid’s got range out rights to Pablo Tomas Ander- bourbon, hand-crushed cof- nography industry. the ass. Assloads of range. sen’s “Tere Will Be Blood- fee beans for snorting, and Andersen reportedly He’s like where range goes to baths,” which Paramint plans mescaline. shambled out of studio head- die. If names were based on to follow up with “Tere Will In a statement to the press, quarters with nothing but his people’s acting ability, Shya Be Bloodbaths 2,” reportedly a disheveled, bathrobe-clad wounded pride and pocket- would be named ‘Ranger’ or set to be helmed by Michael Andersen explained the logic fuls of Ritz crackers from the ‘Rangemachine’ or ‘Unfath- Baywatch. behind the deal. ofce snack tray. omable Range,’ Baywatch Ambitious auteur Ander- “I am all about artistic Paramint, however, seized said. sen ambushed America with integrity and all that, but I the opportunity to capital- Baywatch’s confdence the original “Bloodbaths” in haven’t eaten or bathed in ize on Andersen’s dire straits, seems to be matched by 2007, fring up fanboy fol- three weeks and my buddy approaching their golden Paramint executives, who lowers who formed forums Ken is starting to drop hints goose, Mr. Baywatch, to see have reportedly begun scout- declaring the flm “Te Great like ‘let’s sit down and have about following up the iconic ing locations to fll in for American Movie” and call- a talk soon’ and ‘you know, “Bloodbaths.” Xonan-13, the planet that ing it our century’s “Citizen Stacy might just move in,’ so “When we told Mike, he will be revealed as Paul Sun- Kane.” I’m probably getting kicked was so excited that he imme- day’s true home in one of Unfortunately, Andersen’s out soon,” Anderson said. diately canceled production the sequel’s many shocking, COURTESY / PARAMINT fans are comprised almost Hollywood insiders also of “Transformers 3: Revenge shocking twists. 2’s” script is being written. that,” Baywatch said. “When entirely of 16- to 37-year- point to Andersen’s recent in- of the Fallen 2: Te Fallen “We got a lot of feedback “People also were kind of Shya’s character arises in his old liberal male yuppie cine- ability to get studios to bank Arise Seeking Vengeance” about Paul Dannon’s weird, upset that there really pretty giant mechanical milkshake philes, a demographic more on him since “Bloodbaths’” and started pushing for the ugly little insect face. We feel much isn’t... well... blood. to seek out Plainview for ven- likely to download a flm failure, most recently when project,” Baywatch said. like it probably alienated a lot Te original was more like, geance, we’ll get some real than see it in theaters. Warring Brothers executives Mr. Baywatch is reported- of audience members of the ‘Tere will be snarling but freworks. And with Shya’s As such, “Bloodbaths” balked at his proposed flm ly seeking to “take things up frst ‘Bloodbaths,’” Baywatch bloodless broiling animos- God-like range, this should grossed $2 million, failing to “Smog!”, a panoramic en- a notch,” and is said to be in said, referring to focus tests ity,’ or, ‘Tere will be tracking be a pretty seamless transi- recoup its $400 million bud- semble project about Lon- talks with Will Smithson to performed while “Bloodbaths shots.’ So we plan on fxing tion.” Old Prospector Film Series begins with ‘The Gold Rush’ COCKY MOCKER brainchild of St. Louis Uni- fghting to striking it rich. To Te Old Prospector Film and Orson Welles’ “Citizen scope and cover a range of Culture Vulture versity of Missouri’s new broaden the scope of flms, Series will debut this Friday at Kane” (1949) prospector types and inter- Te J.Q. Vauxhall Jr. Per- owner, Old Prospector J.Q. it will include movies about 8 p.m. with Charlie Chaplin’s “At frst I had some doubts ests. Not only movies that forming Arts Center has pre- “Rusty” Vauxhall, Jr. gambling and other favorite 1925 silent comedy classic about that thar ‘Citizen mention mining and pros- sented symphony concerts, “I noticed they don’t show prospector past-times. “Te Gold Rush.” Next week, Kane’ which I thought was pecting but those that feature ballets and operas. But start- no movies in that thar theater Films for the series were the featured flm is 2007’s too highfalutin’ for a prospec- gambling, especially poker ing this Friday, it will host a and I wondered why,” Vaux- selected personally by the “Tere Will Be Blood,” Paul tor flm fest,” said Vauxhall. games, will be included. Te very diferent kind of event: hall said. While the center Old Prospector, with some Tomas Anderson’s tale of “But Dr. DaCapo-Sweety Wild West will be a common its frst-ever continuing flm has hosted flm events, it has input from SLUM’s Film a determined prospector pointed out that Kane does theme but not all movies will series. never had an ongoing flm Studies Department. turned oil well wildcatter, get his frst big money when be westerns. Te new Old Prospector series. Dr. Rita DaCapo-Sweety starring Daniel Day-Lewis. his Ma gets control of a sil- Te Film Studies depart- Film Series will present a flm Now every Friday, it will helped with the selections, Other flms selected so far ver mine—one that hits the ment will be advising Vaux- each week about prospectors feature a movie about pros- guiding the old prospector include “Treasure of Sierra mother lode. So I guess it hall on flm selections, with and the other strike-it-rich- pectors, prospecting, the gold towards some less familiar Madre” (1948) which stars kinda is about silver minin’ hopes to encourage inclusion quick types that made this rush, silver mines, oil well flms with reference to gold Humphrey Bogart, “Tomb- and strikin’ it rich, so it’s in.” of high quality flms. country so colorful. wildcatting or other rip-roar- or silver mining and prospec- stone” (1993) with Val Kilm- Te flms in the continu- Te flm series is the ing tales of society’s outsiders tors. er as gambler Doc Holiday, ing series will have a broad See GOLD RUSH, page 21 LET’S TAKE SOME A&E APRIL 5, 2010 | The Stagnant | 9 Great game or For music, I’m a hipster JIM SHAFER greatest game? Barbarian Look man, when I was a kid, I fought haircuts. When What do you get when you take the I was in middle school, I just stopped getting them all to- classic game “Pong” and fuse it with the gether. When I was 16, I fnally gave my hair a shoulder- rhythm genre? length trim and dyed it black, but only because I wanted Sheer genius, that’s what. the goth girls who smoked outside during lunch to like me. Activision’s new game, “Pong Hero,” I still give pictures taken from Smiths videos to hairstylists is quite simply the freshest and dopest regularly. game on the block, yo. I’m totally a hipster bro. I go thrift store shopping for Simultaneously released on April 1 used black levis. I just sent my mom to go pick up the sec- for the Playstation 3, Xbox 360, Nin- ond season of “Breaking Bad” and update my trust fund. I tendo Wii, Nintendo DS, Playstation wish I had a father. Portable and Sega Saturn, “Pong Hero” I feel threatened by girls like Bebe Zeva, who are well aims to become the new epitome of the known on the Internet. rhythm genre. I feel threatened because they are bombarded with com- Gone are the garish and the hard- pliments from thousands of quasi-anonymous hangers-on to-stash-in-your-room-when-your-girl- COURTESY / PONG HERO INDUSTRIES from diferent countries with diferent connections and friend-comes-over-so-you-don’t-look- merits. I wonder how much my word would count against like-a-total-geek fake plastic instruments Pong hEro Potential Parallel Entertain- air slowly for a slow glide, or fast for a theirs, even if I was right. Regardless, I am attracted to con- of yesteryear. ment Replicating Machined Intelligence sudden spurt of movement. fdence. Instead, “Pong Hero” aims to make Negligence Technology, or PEPPER- Slick sexual metaphors aside, “Pong I am a hit DJ. I spend a lot of nights tweaking remixes you look like even more of an embarrass- MINT. Hero” is playable by up to two players of Lady Gaga songs, but I love when I slip in a well-timed ment in front of your family and friends To control your paddle, you simply simultaneously, with splitscreen co-op Yacht song and people come up and ask me what it was. I by forcing you to physically move hold a fst out parallel to the foor in action and online play thrown in. am an authority on the “blisscore” era. I know whether it around in front of the included camera whatever direction you wish, and move “Pong Hero” features the latest in has started or ended, and whether it is hipster music or not. in order to move your paddle. it up and down. cutting-edge graphics. My SXSW experience was more wild and full of debauchery Te gameplay is simplistic but addict- Te faster you move it up and down, than yours was. ing, featuring Activision’s proprietary the faster your paddle goes. Stroke the See PONG HERO, page 10 My Asperger’s is perfectly pointed and focused on pop culture. On the other hand, I understand that my strug- gle isn’t whether or not R.E.M. was a good follow-up to New sculptures on campus made from goose poop Kate Bush and Joy Division, it’s managing to wake up in an apartment that has a pink laptop full of Passion Pit and CONVICT C’ANNOY “Well at frst I kind of to the piece, where it is ap- fnally did something about Unicorns mp3s and coming to terms with the fact that the Gotcha Journalist thought that goose poop plied, dries out, and hardens all this crap,” 20-year-old person I just had sex with was imagining a guy who was a All those pesky geese sculptures were weird and to a stif crust. Ralph Nuggette, sophomore, combination of Bon Iver and Miranda July the whole time. around campus and their this was really going to stink,” Te majority of the sculp- business, said. “Finally the One of the most important and difcult questions in my droppings will now have an 23-year-old Dave Dingleber- tures are still in the art de- sidewalks are no longer clut- life is fguring out whether Chan Marshall or Joanna New- actual purpose here at the St. ry, senior, art, said. “But after partment, yet there are plans tered and now maybe I will som is the hotter indie rock babe. Louis University of Missouri. my frst sculpture, I realized it to place the sculptures all lower my average of stepping Te feces will be used in a was actually pretty fun! Plus over campus by the end of in poop to twice a week.” See HIPSTER, page 10 new art project called Goose the poop is real easy to work the semester. Tis news has given rise Defecation Sculptures. with, especially if it’s fresh “We will be putting these to a new problem: SLUM is “One day I was walking to enough, and it really doesn’t sculptures in classrooms, the running out of goose poop. my classroom and I thought smell that bad once it dries.” cafeteria, the library, all over Several students and fac- Fantasy Zone to myself, ‘Someone needs to Te sculptures are relative- the Millennium Student ulty members have reported Movies Chris would like to see. do something about all this ly simple to make and most Center, and various ofces strange sightings of people on poop on the sidewalk,’ and of the time is spent gathering around campus,” Mr. Hanky campus chasing geese around Burroughs Vs. Kerouac. Te Beat generation’s true then it hit me,” John Hanky, all of the poop from around said. “We want them to be with buckets, yelling, “I have genius beats the yuppy shit out of the insufereably popular art professor and sculptor at campus. seen by all, this is some of a project due tomorrow, Jack Kerouac who, unsurpisingly, screams like a little girl SLUM, said. “I can use this Once the poop is col- the best art work my students come on and pass something only minus a screaming little girl’s proper grammar. A+ poop for my sculpting class lected, the student straps on have produced in years!” already!” –Chris Stewart. this semester.” some latex gloves and dives Several SLUM faculty and “I’m not too concerned Te art students have, right on in the bucket. First, staf members have expressed about running out [of goose She’s In My League. Average looking guy works his rather surprisingly, taken the poop must be mixed to- interest in having a sculpture poop],” Mr. Hanky said. ass of and bags an average-ish girl. He impressed her by a fond interest in creating gether to achieve a workable placed in or around their of- “Tere is plenty to go around taking her to ethnic restaurants and eventually, throwing goose poop sculptures. consistency that is somewhat fces. Te project has pleased and the semester is nearing its caution to the wind, they become a full-fedged “item”. Tere are already nearly comparable to a thick ice many others who have no end, which of course means A+ –Chris Stewart. 30 completed poop sculp- cream shake; if it is too hard, interest in the art, just in the there will be three months tures on campus now, rang- the student simply adds a fact they can walk down the of poop buildup by the time Oil-Slick Half-Naked Greek Boys Fan Chris ing from life-size busts of little water to the bucket and sidewalk without having to the fall semester begins. Plus With Peacock Feathers While Dropping people to smaller things such begins to stir. Once the right dodge large amounts of goose I have a secret stash in my of- Grapes Into His Mouth. A+++ –Chris Stewart. as pooping dogs and various consistency is reached, they turds. fce just in case things get too human body parts. begin adding the fecal matter “I’m just happy someone risky.” 10 | The Stagnant | APRIL 5, 2010 LET’S TAKE SOME A&E

PONG, from page 9 SWEET JAMS Never have a large white square, a round This week’s top 5 iTunes dot and two vertical white lines looked any downloads as reviewed by better. “Pong Hero” features full high-defni- The Stagnant’s Dean Ween tion graphics as well as particle physics and online leaderboards. For sound efects and the main menu or- ‘5th Symphony’ chestral score, Activision spared no expense, 1 L. Von Beethoven hiring Vladimir Jurowski and the London Philharmonic Orchestra. Tose electronic A cluttered, over- bleeps and bloops from the original “Pong” produced example lose a little bit of their classic luster when not of classical music’s disappointing recent done by an entire orchestra. trend towards cheap, Perhaps the most revolutionary aspect of crowd-pleasing moves like Beethoven’s “Pong Hero” lies in the fact that it has no “opening” for this, his latest hit produced, levels, no in-game music, nor anything re- as usual, by Timbaland. motely approaching value. By creating some- thing worth absolutely nothing that no one in their right mind would pay for and pricing ‘Thriller’ it at $60, Activision has paved the way for 2 Michael Jackson corporate crooks everywhere to make a lot of Clearly trying to money. break ties with his Tere have been some concerns over the family band roots, fact that “Pong Hero’s” online multiplayer Pong Hero’s particle physics in action. COURTESY / PONG HERO INDUSTRIES Jackson makes a is glitched and broken, and Activision re- moderately success- sponded to these claims by fring the creators ful, if not altogether forgettable, pop track. of “Pong Hero” and releasing an overpriced (can you say black paddles on a white back- in gaming. Forget the Playstation Move, for- Still, if this is all he’s got, I don’t see much and undervalued “downloadable content” for ground!?). get the Microsoft Natal, and forget the Nin- of a future for this kid. the game. Tankfully, for those who simply cannot tendo Wii. “Pong Hero” is where it’s at, and Speaking of DLC, Activision has renewed get enough “Pong Hero” action, Activision it is completely unlike any of the games that their commitment to nickel-and-diming the has already announced “Pong Hero” 2 and 3 Activision released in at least the past two shit out of you, and as such, “Pong Hero” for release this fall and next spring, which will months. ‘Stairway to Heaven’ will have a second DLC map pack available feature only marginal improvements over the Disclaimer: Tis review was fully paid for 3 Led Zeppelin by the end of the week for $15. Te so-called original game but that they will sell to you and funded by the Pong Hero Defense Fund, “Pong Hero Stimulus Package” will contain for full price. a subsidiary of Activision Blizzard Inc. A+++ Led Zeppelin’s latest two new maps and one color scheme change “Pong Hero” is the newest thing going on –Club “Sandwich” Seal single is the same Hobit-reference ban- dying nonsense that HIPSTER, from page 9 we’ve come to ex- pect from these clowns. Only difference is, I act like I know things about I do not take road trips to this song is like a thousand minutes long psychology and gender issues. As obscure attractions. I take road and suddenly gets all yell-y at the end. a result, I have attributed a lot of trips to go to punk shows and I my sex appeal to my upbringing. listen to Henry Rollins lectures I used to wrestle naked with my the whole way there. My punk ‘ Terrys ‘ South Bitch brother in bed. I used to wear ethics are razor sharp, correct and 4Live: Fuck You Dad’ my sister’s clothes. I am a hipster updated daily. You’ll understand Terry because I talk about these things them when you are older, but Whether nimbly openly. you won’t. navigating the land My dissertation was an analy- St. Louis is a dead-end for the of jazz or trying his sis of “Star Wars” from a Marx- young. Tat is my only mistake. hand at soulful euro- ist perspective. I believe C-3P0 I try to bring something new to funk, Terry excels, so would have caused a lot of prob- the city, avoid the background, take that dad. Recorded at one of his sev- lems for some of the central but to cop a 50 Cent album title, enteen houses in Miami. And...it drops in themes of the trilogy if he had St. Louis is like “have babies or 2009. balls. die tryin.’” I realize that being a hipster I survive almost exclusively on ‘Freelove Freeway’ is not something one usually ad- garlic fries and beer. I have deep David Brent mits to, but just relax bro, I can thoughts concerning this aspect 5 explain. I still get really ofended of my existence. Our song of the when someone with a doctorate I am the frst person in my week is this rousing, refers to me as a hipster. family to become totally igno- call-and-response COURTESY / HIPSTER KITTY classic from long- I’m so counter-cultural that I rant. It is a pretty huge deal. The epitome of hipster ideology. like sports. overlooked rock and roll genius Brent, whose music has creully been overshadowed by his work in fields of philosophy and management; when at The Stagnant IS BETTER THAN SEX heart, he is a chilled-out entertainer. LET’S TAKE SOME A&E APRIL 5, 2010 | The Stagnant | 11 Hipster outburst

PHOTOS BY JENNIFER MEATHEAD / THE STAGNANT

An apparant outburst of hipsters has overtaken the SLUM campus, causing sales of “The Fork” records and organic foods to skyrocket. These Central West End dwelling, poetry-reading-going-to yuppies have obviously taken over the city beginning with the Arch. Where will their extended reach end? Nobody knows–thought exhibitions of “Arcade Water” songs and public drinking of “Paltz Red Ribbon” as opposed to Dubb Lite have been observed far into North County. According to re- ports, Saint Louis supplies of sushi and tofu have veered off the charts as these hipsters with their skirts and hemp bracelets and “Aneurysm” cds have overrun major metropolis areas nearby including Chicago which this clan of hipsters have deemed “basically a European city,” among other things. Loving references to Amsterdam have abounded as these inhuman groups have grown, hinting at their affinity for Paul Thom- as Anderson films, as well as a general affinity for refering to movies as “films” and vague plans to join “some kind of colony or commune somewhere.” 12 | The Stagnant | APRIL 5, 2010 FACULTY PROFILE: J.Q. VAUXHALL JR. Leftovers Rootin’ and tootin’ with the Prospector! New chancellor plans a full bufet and casino in the Nosheous.

SAWEETA ‘OL BEAN JQV: Degrees? Hell, it’s bad Head Features Bitch enough to have these college boys runnin’ around puttin’ on airs with J.Q. Vauxhall, aka “Te Prospec- their fancy talk, let alone women! tor,” is SLUM’s newest chancellor. Lemmie tell you, a woman’s only In addition to not having any for- good for three things: cookin’, mal education, Vauxhall is a drunk, cleanin’ an’… (For the sake of our gambling man-whore who doesn’t readers, we will not print the rest of know anything about running a Chancellor Vauxhall’s response to this university. Te students of SLUM question). are pretty much screwed. TS: How many drugs have you Te Stagnant: Besides turning the done in the last three days? Nosheous into an all-you-can-eat bufet, what other plans do you have JQV: Drugs? Whaddya take me for SLUM? for lady, one of you kids? I don’t smoke no maryguana—though I J.Q. Vauxhall: Well, I’m also add- did go to an opium den out in Frisco in’ in a full casino with the loosest once after I hit a mother load. Some slots in town and the loosest dancin’ Chinese lady handed me the pipe girls this side of the Rockies. an’ I woke up three days later naked But now that I own this here uni- in the hold of a ship bound for Tai- versity I’m gonna do away with all land! But those was my wild days. of this so-called book learnin’. Tere My drugs are ma tabakky pipe an’ ain’t no need for it. I never stepped ma whiskey. foot in no schoolhouse an’ the best education I ever got was from a TS: What’s the last furry thing one legged burlesque dancer named you’ve touched? Daphadill an’ ma pappy, who was a card shark ‘an a bootlegger. JQV: Aside from my face, I’d Far as I’m concerned, the only have to say it was ma’ second wife’s chemistry worth knowin’ is how legs! to brew up some hooch that won’t make ya go blind an’ the only arith- TS: How did you lose your eye? metic worth knowin’ is how to count cards. Hell, that’s how I won JQV: Well, once I was playing a this here university in the frst place! game of stud with ole Dusty Rim- mer an’ I’d been hittin’ the ‘shine TS: Is there any truth to the ru- pretty hard that night and was down mors about you being a former two bags of gold dust, a bag of ta- Chippendale? bakky, my musket an’ three mules. Now Dusty, he has this glass eye on JQV: What in the high blazes is account of him loosin’ his back in th’ a Chippendale? Some kinda danc- war an’ he asks me to throw down ing gigolo? Is that what you take a bet. me for? Some dancin’ nancy gigolo? So’s I says, ‘Well Dusty, you’s got Tem’s fghtin’ words! Wonder what everythin’ I own right now, but I’m my Texas toothpick has to say about a gonna bet somethin’ you need!’ this? so I plucked out ma eye an’ layed it down, an’ it scared him right outta TS: Shouldn’t the women at his seat and down the holler. Never SLUM earn bachelorette degrees saw him again an’ I won it all, even and not bachelor degrees? Isn’t that though my hand wasn’t worth piss. sexist? Sonofabitch hurt like hell in the The Prospector poses in front of the Y2K building. LEANNA OHWELLS / THE STAGNET mornin’ but it was worth it! LEFTOVERSS APRIL 5, 2010 | The Stagnant | 13 Orgy For the Cure Sigma Tau Delta’s Orgy For the Cure of STD’s RICHARD MILLHOUSE PHIPPS to enter the event to verify that they are of age, Mayor of Journalism in accordance with state law. “Hell ‘bra why would we even want soft, Sorority Sigma Tau Delta and their brother nubile 18-, 19- or 20-year-olds in there get- fraternity Xi Xi Xi will be hosting SLUM’s ting wasted and jumping on the pile?” Kyle third annual John C. Holmes “Orgy For the Dorbke, a member of Xi Xi Xi, said. Cure” next week. Te annual event is known Catering for the event will be provided by as being one of the best attended and most the Nosheous and Xi Xi Xi fraternity broth- popular events Greek Life puts on each year. ers have committed to erecting a traditional Te event, which is held on or around vomitorium at the rear of the Sigma Tau Delta March 13 to commemorate the life of porno- house in addition to providing 20 pounds of graphic flm star John Holmes, aims to draw ostrich feathers to be used to facilitate vomit- attention to a multitude of currently incurable ing, if needed. diseases and also to raise funds to support re- Several area businesses have backed the search toward fnding a cure for them through event as well, with local adult store Hustler a grueling marathon of 12 hours of group sex, Hollywood providing three cases of cock rings conducted in the style of the ancient Romans. and Pure Pleasure Mega Center, providing “So, I know it’s April already, but we got fve hand blown glass dildos. Both the Jager- a little behind schedule with that whole car meister and Red Bull girls are also expected to bashing for breast cancer thingy before break, be in attendance. and then we all took of for Cabo together— As the date draws closer, quivers of an- Oh my God! Do you want to see the photos ticipation for the event could be felt through of Lindsey puking on that pool boy she did a SLUM’s Greek community. body shot of of?” Sarah Tornton, Sigma Tau “If it’s anything like last year’s orgy, it Delta secretary, said. will be nothing but 12 long hours of sexing, Despite the delays, preparations for next y’know what I mean, ‘bra?” Kevin Steinwyck, PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY KAUS COLLGATE week’s big event have begun at Sigma Tau Xi Xi Xi vice president, said. Delta’s sorority house, which is located about “I just hope that girl with the huge boobs “You know, I think about all of those poor Funds raised through admission costs and one mile from campus. Tis has included fll- from my chemistry class shows up and that people sufering out there in the world and the sale of video footage shot during the event ing several rooms with mattresses from wall to chick Beverly brings her fuck swing and I think to myself, ‘self, you could be one of will go to a number of research foundations wall, reflling the lubricant dispensers in ev- candles again this year, that was sooooo hot! those people’ and it, like, scares me. So, I am worldwide. Last year’s “Orgy For the Cure” ery room and stockpiling nearly a ton of beer, Woot!” Steinwyck added. so ready to let every hole in my body get flled raised $8,765,306 through the sale of a DVD wine and liquor. Other Greeks looked forward to participat- with throbbing cocks for this worthy cause.” and resulted in 12 arrests and 7 abortions. Both Sigma Tau Delta and Xi Xi Xi mem- ing in a service project supporting a number Jessica Bollinger, a Sigma Tau Delta member, bers have sworn to card anybody attempting of vital causes. said. Men break silence and fnd M.A.C.H.O. support in new men’s organization

SPACEY BECKENHOLDT from practice,” Fense, sophomore, education, said. “As a sort On the agenda for its frst ofcial meeting: salaries, cloth- Crappy Editor of joke, I told Lee that my game would be better if it weren’t ing, cars, lifting heavy objects, entertainment media, and of for the excessive material in the shorts. Turns out, he felt the course sex. same way.” In hushed tones, for fear of being overheard, each Buck Tuthe, Midday Maintenance Manager in the Moan- Last Friday, the campus’ newest student organization, Men admitted to secretly envying the volleyball uniforms. “You see ing Students Center, is the group’s advisor. “I overheard a Acting Courageously, Humanely and Optimistically (MA- the volleyball players; they don’t have any trouble doing what couple of these guys talking, and it’s like they were telling my CHO), had its inaugural meeting in a small room in the Of- they need to do on the court,” Fense said. story,” Tuthe said. “I’m tired of the assumptions people make fce of Student Strife. “We couldn’t be happier about this,” Lee Te rest, as they say, is history. about me. I make more money than every woman I’ve dated, Der, senior, public policy, said. “Tere’s nothing better in the Realizing that they were not alone, the two young men which puts the burden of paying for stuf on me, and that’s world than knowing you’re not alone.” began striking up conversations with classmates and campus just not fair.” MACHO is the brainchild of Der and Joe D. Fense, who co-workers, albeit cautiously. “Not everyone was receptive to met while working on a group project for class last semester. what we said; we got plenty of dirty looks,” Der said. Luckily, “As a Trifin’ basketball player, I have a really busy schedule, perseverance paid of to the tune of their frst six members. See MACHO page 14 so Lee met me at the Sam Clemens building during a break 14 | The Stagnant | APRIL 5, 2010 LEFTOVERS

also have an application that From MACHO, page 13 tells consumers which foods produce the best turds. Most notable was when the men admitted no pun intended,” Sid O. Beef, senior, chem- Tis new device is called lying to their friends about certain things in istry, said. “I can’t do that most nights. Don’t the iPoop, and prices start order to protect their true feelings, particular- get me wrong, I love sex, but it’s a curse hav- at $900. Not every com- ly when scantily-clad women and sex scenes ing this much manhood.” pany is developing products appear in movies. “Every time a sexy woman Rounding out the discussion was the gen- for the booboo chic trend. is on TV, all my friends start hootin’ and hol- dered division of labor: sitting outside in Environmentalist company lerin’,” Luke E. Wok, junior, criminology, the heat for hours by the BBQ grill instead KleenAir, which is the maker said. “I don’t want anyone to give me a hard of cooking in an air conditioned house, be- behind Toga Life Water, said time, so I’ll start saying what I’d do if that ing expected to know how to fx cars and SASWEETA ‘OL BEAN the trend is “despicable” and chick was here with me right now, but I’m lawnmowers, and not having any say about a is “causing the air to smell tired of it, you know? I am tired of being ig- room’s arrangement or decor. With the recession killing like dookie.” Te company is nored as a person and having all the attention MACHO is of to a solid start, but there everyone’s pockets, fashion joining together with animal on my Johnson. I’ve got brains too.” are challenges. “I’m still the same guy, but I’ve girls everywhere are looking rights group FETAcheese to As for sex, there was a general consensus noticed that some of my teammates are hesi- for a new way to look fabu- protest the new trend. Te regarding issues in the bedroom as well. For tant to shower at the same time as me,” Fense lous on a budget. As a sur- FETAcheese organization is instance, in cases of excessive endowment, said. “All we want is for people to understand prise to the world, BanAnna against the trend because in partners expect “porn-star action.” “I’m too that we’re men, not mindless, oversexed, bug- Wyntor, editor in chief of some areas, feces-challenged tired most nights, but they just lay back ex- killing superhumans. We have feelings. We fashion bible Fogue, declared people have resorted to steal- pecting to be entertained … for a long time— have brains.” during Idaho Fashion Week ing poop from local animals. that all women everywhere Still, their protesting does not should use their feces as stop celebrities from rocking clothes to save money. And all the latest styles in dung. THE STAGNANT as with everything else Wyn- Actress Lynzee Hohan, who tor declares is in fashion, the wears a new piece of shit world followed suit. every day, claims that she MORE THAN JUST So now everyone is wear- would never wear the feces of

It’s the new black new the It’s ing shit. animals. However, paparazzi Te booboo chic trend caught Hohan last weekend INSULATION FOR HOBOS is really hot right now and looking suspicious near the far surpasses the other cool Los Angeles Zoo. Another trends like heroin chic and group unhappy with the University of Missouri-St. Louis Career homeless chic. Women ev- booboo chic trend are bulim- Services invites you to a special erywhere (along with zesty ics and others sufering with presentation: men) are stocking up on binge and purge eating disor- turds hoping to be the best ders. Together they’ve started dressed. Unfortunately, lux- the S.T.O.O.L. coalition. Internships from

Shit. ury brands like Lewis Bit- S.T.O.O.L, which is an acro- tonne and Qucci are slowly nym for Starving Teens Out Accounting to Zoology going bankrupt as diuretics Of Laxatives, is a group that and stool softener brand sales focuses on preserving diuret- (and everything in are soaring through the roof. ics for those who need them. Just last week, drug store gi- Teir leader, Rickole Itchy, between!) ant Walblues ran out of both plans to organize a protest name-brand and generic milk as soon as her ulcer is healed of magnesia, thus causing ri- and she is released from the ots at several locations. hospital. Recently, there have been Despite the controversy complaints from people who behind it, the booboo chic have a difcult time getting trend is great. Tank good- their feces out of the toilet. ness for BanAnna Wyntor! Ever wondered about the benefits of an internship or about Many of the complaints cen- Who would have thought finding one in your major? Attend this workshop to get answers ter around the fact that even such a natural thing could to these questions and much more! though people do not mind be so trendy? I love the Every major is invited to attend—students, faculty and staff. wearing crap, they think it is turd necklace and the poop Light refreshments will be served. barbaric to reach in the toilet stained earrings. Tere are and actually get it. many ways to wear feces, as April 13, 2010 269 MSC 2:00 PM Soon the days of reach- they are very versatile, and Students, register by clicking ing in the toilet will come to consumers never have to Special Events at an end because on the 12th worry about over-spending http://careers.umsl.edu

The of never, Apple is releasing on clothes as long as their a revolutionary new device bowels move. And for those Faculty/staff, register by e-mailing that will not only reach in whose bowels don’t move, [email protected]. the toilet and retain feces in well, they’re dead and most Career Services • 278 MSC • (314) 516-5111 • [email protected]

Runway perfect condition, but it will of all: unfashionable. Dork Alert APRIL 5, 2010 | The Stagnant | 15

CAPTAINS OF INDUSTRY

JENIFFER MEATHEAD / THE STAGNANT Turtle flu strikes U.S. All humans will die... COMIC SANS FREEMAN / THE STAGNANT JELLO JIGGLES observed in a vast major- lives”. Gotcha Journalist ity of the United States. It Others are taking more Long have turtles been is thought that T1N1 has safety precautions since the Captain Morgan rules the rum known as slow, mellow crea- been steadily increasing recognition of this pandem- tures. Little did the world and spreading for decades, ic has possibilities to be the JAN SCHERERERERER chance to sail fer me dream. makes sure dat da ladies and know it was just another explaining why the idea of end of the world. Gotcha Journalist I used all me buried booty da lads like it. All de other cover up adding to the list hard-working Americans is “It is really scary,” Mary and opened a distillery in the rum doesn’t stand a chance of rebellious animals on the slowly becoming extinct. Littlelamb, junior, theater, Captain Morgan is quite Caribbean. What started of against Cap’n Morgan’s. planet. Gladys Jones, mother to said. “I’ve started wearing a possibly the most well me sellin’ to the locals now TS: Has Captain Morgan’s Te recently discov- a teen boy T1N1 victim, is mask, and have started car- known Captain in his feld. has me sellin’ barrels around Spiced Rum Company had any ered T1N1 is more com- understandably confused rying around lettuce and In the spiced rum category, de world. difculties during the reces- monly known as Turtle and distraught. a BB gun. You just don’t not many others can com- TS: Do you ever get tired of sion? Flu. Tough little is known “I should’ve seen it! I know.” pete with what Morgan has your spiced rum? CM: Arg, we all have our about the disease, it has thought it was just teen- Certain others are not to ofer. With eight diferent CM: Arg, it be me favorite fair share of troubles mate, been labeled as possibly one age uprisings,” Jones said. taking the threat to all man- varieties all in his name, it is drink matey. Nuttin’ tastes but when times are hard, da of the most deadly viruses “‘Jughead, clean your room. kind seriously.“I think peo- reasonable to ask, “Got a lit- fner than some ‘o me rum people want dere spirits da ever to hit the globe. Jughead, why don’t you ple really need to back of tle Captain in you?” In 1945, after a hard day at sea. It goes same way; hard and wit a “We believe it derived get of the couch once in the turtles,” Michaelangelo, Captain Morgan’s Spiced down smoother than a siren’s kick. Cap’n Morgan’s does from one of the South awhile?’ T.M. Ninja, crime fghter, Rum Company started serv- song and is worth more to a that an’ more for all da peo- American countries,” said And the fridge! I seemed said. “People always need ing their drinks to thirsty sailor than any hidden booty. ple who want to forget der Dr. Gregory House, ex- to have to fll it up again ev- something to blame.” seamen and landlubbers ev- If I warn’t a Cap’n already, worries and get a little Cap’n pert of everything medical. ery two weeks! I just didn’t President O’Llama com- erywhere. I’d have more than a little of in ‘em. Business ‘as been as “Which one, we are un- know! What kind of mother mented on the topic as well Te Stagnant: What got you me own special reserve in me good as ever and we plan to sure of. We just know that am I? My poor boy, he’s only at a press conference, warn- started in the spiced rum busi- belly. keep it dat way for as long as it is impossible for it to 15!” Since the realization ing the turtles of the world. ness? TS: Why do you think possible. have come from the United of this virus, hundreds of “Te American spirit is Captain Morgan: Arg, af- Captain Morgan is so popular TS : Where do you see your States.” thousands of lives have been strong; you will not defeat ter I had me frst sip o’ the compared to other spiced rums? business going in the future? Symptoms of the turtle terminated or suspended, us!” O’Llama said. sweet nectar as a cabin boy, CM: Arg, me special CM: Arg, we be open- fu include: a lazy disposi- including that of several Scientists are rigorously I knew it be sumtin’ I could spiced rum keeps extra gold ing a new distillery next tion, hiccups, a metaphori- thousand turtles. working on the vaccine and make me livin’ of of. Me doubloons in yer treasure year. In da hart of where I cal hard head, and 92% of “Te other day, there was cure for the T1N1 virus. ol’ man had difernt’ ideas. chest. got me start. Te Caribbean the time green eyes. one right in front of me!” Teories implicate the cure We was a piratin’ family and Tar ain’t nuttin’ bet- seems like da perfect place to Victims of T1N1 are Johnny B. Good, direc- might involve vegetables that’s the way it whar. But ter than more booty. All me spread me love for me spir- known to have an over- tor of the Animal Kindness and a device called “color I never let me dream walk eight favors keep all me mat- its. Tar will be spiced rum whelming appetite, some- League, said. “Tank God I contacts.” In addition, stud- the plank. After me dad was eys ‘appy. It goes with anyt- far everyone in da world! times eating as many as was in my car! I revved that ies show reading Te Stag- killed in a battle at sea, I ing and da parfect drink fer People everywhere will be three meals a day. sucker up to 50 and prob- nant prevents obtaining the knew it would fnally be me summer. Me special blend striking me famous pose. Signs of T1N1 have been ably ended up saving a few virus altogether. 16 | The Stagnant | APRIL 5, 2010 DORK ALERT

IMAGE COURTESY OF SCIENCE AND TECHNOLOGY FACILITIES COUNCIL, UNITED KINGDOM Take that Switzerland! We can collider those particles too

DEAN WEEN was at the moment of the big of SLUM priorities—well up around the unfunded, buzz by letting it “slip” that “So this collider should Assistant to the Gene bang,” top Collider Project we aim to show them!” Ka- untended Bendon/Stabler since POOR cannot aford be pretty cool. Certainly the faculty member Dr. Ernesto vorkenstein continued, fst buildings to such a degree to isolate subatomic particles coolest thing to come since Deep in the bowels of the Kavorkenstein said during a pumping the air while the that 80% of the structures like the Large Hadron Col- they tried to replicate the tin and wood shack that once press conference. Te con- few remaining lights in the are now technically under- lider, they will be colliding cloning of Dolly the sheep was Bendon Hall, top SLUM ference was held in Bendon/ building fickered on and of. ground. POOR’s collider is dirty old pennies that are with a rabid possum they scientists have been toiling Stabler’s Regal Hall, a dark, Te Particle Collider proj- supported by a frame, made said to be plentiful in the old chased down themselves, and night and day for the past rotting space that seats up to ect, entitled “Particle Obser- almost entirely of card- building. their own DNA. But then year to create what is being fve people. vation via Ongoing Report” board—primarily old ciga- “Pretty much any corner again, that was back when hailed at a groundbreaking Kavorkenstein addressed or “POOR,” was begun in rette boxes—tied together of any of the dark, musty, they could aford such luxu- achievement for the univer- a group of reporters via an January. with human hair. moldy, dripping, empty ries ….” McPocketprotector sity. empty soup can glued to an Like CERN’s state of the Empty toilet paper tubes rooms here at Bendon is a said, eyes glazing in reverie at “Inspired by our counter- old broomstick which was art Large Hadron Collider in stuck together with bubble- veritable treasure trove of old the days when Bendon/Sta- parts at CERN in Switzer- the best microphone available Switzerland, POOR’s collider gum form the tube in which pennies, wet with source-less bler was a fully-funded scien- land, we have produced our to Kavorkenstein thanks to is also underground, though the actual “colliding” will oc- liquid and sitting in a pile tifc hub, a former glory that own particle collider in or- university budget constraints. that is not due to intentional cur. of dust and lint.” Newton Kavorkenstein and his team der to see what the physical “Some people say that planning but simply the fact Science Department insid- McPocketprotector, junior, hope to reclaim with their environment of the universe Bendon is at the bottom that brush and dirt have piled ers recently caused an excited alchemy, said. POOR eforts. Revolutionary Nozzle to take the watering world by storm

CLUB “SANDWICH” SEAL mean, we don’t have a name plants, Kingsley said. “We’re Nick Doret, also a connec- use it every day. For example, ‘cause I been spendin’ all of Master Dork for it yet—we’ve just been developing diferent exten- tion specialist, was unable to Nick over there thinks it it on whiskey, whores and Irrigation is a technology calling it the Nozzle.” sions for the Nozzle,” he said. answer. might have some kind of ap- buildin’ renovations. So’s that has been used for mil- Te Nozzle is a semi-rigid, “One of them is a fnger- “Well, there’s like a screw- plication as a way to clean the when they told me ‘bout this lennia. Nearly every culture fexible tubule approximately size extension called the type thing on the end of it. outside of cars!” here invention I reckoned on earth that exists today has 25 feet in length and about a ‘Tumb’ that, when placed It’s… it’s all very technical Doret scowled darkly at it’d be a good way to make used irrigation in some form half inch in diameter. It has over the opening of the Noz- and hard to explain.” this. us some—seein’ as the gold or another. Innovations in ir- a circle-shaped opening on zle, causes the water to shoot Currently, the Nozzle’s “Only because using it on pickin’s around here are rath- rigation seldom come—but both ends to allow for a high- out at an increased velocity outward appearance is a the inside of cars was a disas- er slim,” Vauxhall Jr. said. when they do, they change speed connection between it and spread,” Kingsley said. bright green, but Kingsley as- ter,” he muttered. Kingsley brushed aside history forever. and water spigots. Te Tumb isn’t the only sures Te Stagnant that, once Speaking of disasters, any concerns that the Nozzle Scientists at SLUM’s Cen- “It’s a sort of… tube… for proprietary technology that mass-produced, the Nozzle SLUM chancellor J.Q. Vaux- is similar to already-existing ter for Macroscience are set to your yard or garden,” Kings- the Nozzle will feature. “Our will come in a variety of col- hall Jr. has played a very big products. “No way. Te Noz- do just that with their unveil- ley said. “We tried calling it newly patented connection ors, from “Exciting Beige” to part in the development of zle is a totally unique prod- ing of a brand new revolution the garden tube, but that just facilitator is included,” Ben- “Earthtone Taupe.” the Nozzle. uct, unlike anything that is in irrigation technology. sounded silly.” jamin Smith, macroscience “Te ways the Nozzle can “Tat lady keeps naggin out there right now. “It’s totally cool,” gushed Te primary application connection specialist, said. be used is simply astound- me [SLUM Provost Glenn Rex Kingsley, director of the of the Nozzle will be to use “It’s called the…uh…wait. ing,” Kingsley said. “We’re Nohope] an’ tellin’ me that See NOZZLES page 28 Center for Macroscience. “I it as a new way to irrigate Hey Nick, what’s it called?” coming up with new ways to we need to make money DORK ALERT APRIL 5, 2010 | The Stagnant | 17 Nanoscience center renamed Center for Macroscience Te employees at the new- ployee and resident homeless continued, helping himself the Center have been sold of how many Russians he can CLUB “SANDWICH” SEAL Master Dork ly christened Yosemite Sam man Reginald Watterson, the to a big steaming bowl of An- to repay the new Chancellor’s sneak up on in ‘GoldenEye Center for Macroscience on Center’s frst task is f guring derson. old gambling debts, Fenwin 64,’” Manny Righa, senior, SLUM’s very own Center SLUM’s campus are a little out what is for lunch. Te Center building itself has some pretty grand ideas English, said. “Yeah man, I for Nanoscience is getting bewildered at their sudden “It’s some kind of soup, I is undergoing a few renova- on what to do with the vast got this shit,” responded Rick a major overhaul. And it’s profession change, but nev- think,” Watterson said, snif- tions in order to aid in the empty space. Derega, junior, Spending His about time. ertheless are eager to begin ing at a steaming vat in a cor- research of “macroscience.” “I don’t know what the Parent’s Money, as he judo- “What in the goddamn work. ner of the building’s cafeteria. Te doors are being re- hell we’re supposed to do,” chopped yet another Russian hell is ‘nanoscience’?” J.Q. “What…what the fuck is “I’m not 100 percent on moved, all of the formerly Fenwin said, sobbing to guard from behind. Vauxhall Jr., new Chancellor ‘macroscience’?!” Edwin Fen- that though.” whole glass windows are bro- himself in the derelict men’s While the new Center for of SLUM, said during a press win, YSCM’s lead scientist, “Hey, don’t drink that!” ken, and anything that is not restroom, now devoid of all Macroscience’s goals are not conference that he called but said. shouted Fenwin from across bolted down is being moved its porcelain as well as copper quite clear yet and its vision apparently had no memory Fenwin’s 12 years spent the room. “Tat’s Anderson! ofsite by some moving men piping. for the future hazy at best, of doing so. learning the incredibly intri- He accidentally liquefed wearing masks and gloves. “I have two doctorates and Vauxhall Jr. seems confdent “Tis ‘nanoscience’ busi- cate and exacting procedures himself with the POOR col- “Oh, and we turned the three grants from the govern- in his decision to repurpose ness is all hokum and witch- of nanoparticle manipulation lider earlier today.” entire basement into a test ment! I hate this! I just hate the nationally-renowned ery to me,” Vauxhall Jr. and creation are now utterly Gross neglect for human chamber for vital appara- it!” Center. continued after swigging useless. life aside, YSCM employees tuses,” Watterson quipped Several of the Center for “Tey made my goddurn something from a nonde- “Like, the Latin doesn’t are striving to maintain the between big spoonfuls. Macroscience’s undergradu- metal wimmin yet?” Vaux- script Mason jar. even make sense! Te science hard-working, can-do atti- “I don’t know exactly what ate interns set up a room hall asked during a follow-up “We should be focusin’ on of big things? What does that tude the former Nanoscience that means, but it sounds of of the main hallway that interview with Te Stagnant. buildin’ big shit! Like wim- even mean?!” Fenwin added center used to be known for. pretty sweet.” they have dedicated to doing “Better have. Better have min. Robot wimmin. Fer desperately. “Well, I’m gonna have Now that all of the com- good, honest experiments. made her look like Angelina lovemakin’.” According to YSCM em- lunch anyways,” Watterson puters and machinery inside “Rick, here, is going to see Jolie, too.”

Check out our new website at New Department of Alchemy thestagnant-online-interwebs.com.org.net

DEAN WEEN study without fear of witches From the student per- Assistant to the Gene or roaming bands of Moors. spective, however, Alchemy William Clanffe XII, Sax- As such, the environment promises to be popular. Stu- on Lord of SLUM grounds should be perfect for the dents have been preregister- and personal soothsayer to careful science of Alchemy, ing for the course in droves, a Te Prospector, announced one which calls for precise fact testifed to by one breath- Wednesday that SLUM measurements, detailed ad- less new alchemy professor, would begin ofering an un- herence to formulae, and a Kensing Jafrey Merlin. dergraduate certifcate in devout relationship with Te “Tere’s a lady who’s sure alchemy beginning in 2011. Lord God Jehovah of Hosts. all that glitters is gold,” Mer- Te addition of such a pro- “Warsh U tried a similar lin said. “And she’s buying gram has been hailed by UM thing, but word is that their admission to SLUM.” System executives as both a faith wasn’t strong enough, Unable to contact said modern, exciting new major and their metals only con- lady, we managed to track and also, according to insid- verted halfway, much to down Ravious Fengrald, ers, a way to make a little ex- the chagrin of the dean,” an freshman, alchemy, who is tra money. anonymous source said. excited for the courses having “Let’s face it,” the now for- Whether or not God truly taken a newly ofered primer mer chancellor Tomas “Te does bless alchemy is, in its instructed by Professor Mer- Tank Engine” George said. own way, a topic of contro- lin. “Alchemy will not only yield versy. George and others have “Tis chick came up to me untold scientifc bounty, but stood behind Alchemy as an in the Nosheous and asked could also help us make a expression of faith, but the me what the hell alchemy little dent in our debt, if you Catholic Nudeman Center, was … so I turned her milk know what I mean.” SLUM’s most prominent into fucking liquid silver and When asked precisely religious organization, has walked away. Just walked what he meant, the former denounced the science, re- away.” chancellor replied “We’ll be leasing a statement Tursday Revenue from the new turning piles of steel into saying that “Alchemy is a program will be funneled di- fucking gold.” foul practice of subversion to rectly into the preservation of Alchemy core courses God’s natural chemical order. the Bendon/Stabler complex will be ofered in Bendon It is an undertaking suited which, sources say, looks just Hall in a new underground only to Satanists. Or Mizzew about ready to fall over. chamber where students can students.” 18 | The Stagnant | APRIL 5, 2010

Unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the Dictator. However, she does listen to these chumps: #FBSEZ
%VEF
t
3JDIBSE
.JMMIPVTF
1IJQQT
t
(FOF
8FFO Diatribes 4BTXFFUB
0M
#FBO
t
$PDLZ
.PDLFS
t
$MVC
i4BOEXJDIw
4FBM
t
4QPSUZ
4QJDF The Current totally sucks. Totally.

ILLUSTRATION BY COMIC SANS FREEMAN / THE STAGNANT

We at Te Stagnant would like everyone at SLUM to know rors too, like when they said that flling out the census form And fnally, most importantly, Te Current hates Greek life. that Te Current totally sucks. is a civic duty. Duh! Filling out the census form is actually It is beyond documented. Te Current never has anything good Tis may not come as a surprise to anyone, as many groups the best way to get yourself shipped of to a ObamaCare “re- to say about the billions of fundraisers that fraternities and so- on campus often malign Te Current. However, these groups education center” in the desert. rorities do, because of their hatred of Greek Life. Tey focus may have one or two reasons to hate Te Current—bastards!— Now, some of the supporters of Te Current will tell you on negative past stereotypes of Greeks, a la Animal House, but they may not know the whole story. that they provide many services for the students of SLUM. despite the fact that Greeks are student leaders, because Greeks Te simple fact is that Te Current is run by a bunch of Tey will tell you that they are SLUM’s journalism program, say they are. liberal douchebags, hellbent on turning SLUM into a trans- educating the next generation of journalists, for America. Tey Tey publish rumors they call “facts” about how fraterni- parent, well-informed commie paradise. By informing the will tell you that they provide advertisement for SLUM’s many ties get suspended, and do not even have the courtesy to get campus of campus events (?!) they are destroying the system campus events that might otherwise be unknown to the stu- comments from the fraternity, even after they called several of smoke and mirrors that allows people to get away with shit. dent body at large. Tey will tell you that they provide in- times! Tey will not even censor their coverage to save face, In addition, Te Current gets more money than God from formation about current events to students at their “Current even when Greeks threaten them with trumped up claims of SBAC (your money, given to these commies; sounds like so- Events at 5 p.m.” But in reality, all of that is just a front for litigation. Te Current is a bunch of crapfaces. cialism to me). Tey sit up there in their luxurious ivory tower their communistic, student-fee-grubbing ways. In the end, the point of this editorial, which gives ample on the 3rd foor of the Y2K, proclaiming what is campus news On a side note, did you know that Te Current hates va- evidence that Te Current, under the guise of being a “newspa- and telling us what to think while using your student fees to ginas? Tat’s right, vaginas. Te Current, in addition to being per,” is really the force that airs SLUM’s dirty laundry, is that fnance their fat-cat coke habits. pinko scum, is also a misogynistic cog in the great machine of you, the reader of this paper, should lobby SAG to cut Te So yeah: they are out to get you, and they are doing it with male-centric manocracy. Instead of constantly reporting about Current’s funding because nobody reads Te Current. In fact, your money. Bad enough right? OH HELL NAW. Tey also the plight of women, they focus on things that students want you should classily tell the staf of Te Current to kill them- can not even get their shit straight. Typos abound. Big words to read about, like fashion, or something about parking. Re- selves, for America. that are probably made up, like “straightforward.” Factual er- ally? Tis is the 21st century. Grow up. Fuck you, Current, fuck you. DIATRIBES APRIL 5, 2010 | The Stagnant | 19 Bring on the faux lesbian strippers Was Geology Dept. I’m a conservative now! wise to barricade

was also very horny the top, simulated orgasm mineral collection You see, I had also heard while Slayer blares over the that liberals had the best speakers. sex. I think that I read that But here I am now, re- against prospectors? in an Al Franken book. alizing how much I have Cocky Mocker Yeah, so I took that serious- missed out on. I mean, this ly—I mean, come on! I was really makes me think about Following Chancellor Tom “the tank en- statement on the matter. But an unnamed a senior in high school and things from a diferent per- gine” George loss of the university in a pok- source inside his ofce said he is disgruntled I didn’t have a girlfriend at spective. I wonder if, had I er game to an old prospector, J. Q. “Rusty” about the geologists’ actions and would have the time. Anyway, it was become a conservative in Vauxhall Jr., the Department of Geology took preferred if the gold miners were allowed to an election year and I was high school, I would now a bold pre-emptive step. In order to protect stake claims and then work out a compromise thinking that I would prob- be a high rolling Christian their valuable collection of minerals from a with the department. “I am sure we could Richard Milhouse Phipps ably be able to piss of my evangelical lobbyist or con- sudden onslaught of prospectors on the hunt preserve much of the collection,” said the parents and get laid if I just gressional aide who gets of gold and gemstones, the Geology depart- bearded source. So, it turns out that I volunteered for the local to watch nude women eat ment barricaded the hallway leading to their “Sure, they would leave the other minerals had this all backwards. By democratic congressional whipped toppings of of mineral collection. after they took the valuable ones, especially “this” I mean politics and candidate’s campaign. each other’s bodies while Barricades, manned by grim-faced geology our sample of gold,” said Ledge. “We need by “backwards” I mean that Now, years later, it turns chained to a dungeon wall professors and graduate students, went up sur- to whole collection, not just the less valuable my life’s philosophy has out that my parents just instead of a broke ass college rounding the mineral collections display cases samples, to carry out our mission to educate been completely backwards. think that I am weird and student who writes a god- on the third foor of Stabler Hall. Access to students.” Te only reason that I ever I have been missing out on damn political column no- classrooms and lectures halls was still permit- Ledge’s admission that the department became a liberal in the frst all of the fun. You see, last body even reads for a shitty ted but no one was allowed near the mineral actually had some gold outraged the miners, place was because I was 18 week it was revealed that the newspaper nobody gives a collection without special identity cards the some of whom plan to camp out next to the and enjoyed all of the glori- Republican National Com- damn about. department quickly issued to their faculty and building by Buggy Lake. Concern about the ous trappings of being that mittee had paid for a lavish If I had the opportunity students majoring in geology. Non-majors collection also prompted some professors to age. I mean, I was young party at a strip club in Hol- to live that life I would in taking Intro to Geology are permitted near sleep over in Stabler Hall, to ensure it was and crazy as all hell. Tat, lywood where faux lesbian a heartbeat. It makes me the display cases only when escorted by their guarded around the clock. and there was a war on. and bondage sex acts are want to say that Glenn Beck instructor. Maintenance workers also could Did the Geology Department do the right Granted, I thought that performed. is the sanest person I have only clean hallways and classrooms when ge- thing? Clearly, their swift action preserved the the war was wrong and shit, Now, don’t get me wrong ever heard speak, and that ology faculty was present. mineral collection from any immediate threat hella wrong in fact—but re- here—as a raging liberal, I healthcare reform is social- It was a bold move but was this extreme of mining activity. But by acting on their ally, when looking back, I have had some great sex, but ism, and that socialism is step really necessary? Were the university jew- own, the department may gotten of on a bad didn’t have any moral obli- never in my entire time as a bad. els really in danger from roving packs of pros- footing with SLUM’s new owner. Tat situ- gations to feel the way that liberal has the Democratic You know what? Fuck pectors? ation may threaten the department’s contin- I did. I was 18 goddamnit! party ever, not even once, it. Glenn Beck is the san- “Absolutely it was needed,” said Dr. Rocky ued existence on campus. Ultimately, the Old I mean, shit, I wasn’t any- paid to have wild debauch- est person I have ever heard Ledge, Geology department head. “With Prospector will make the choice. Te Geology where educated enough eries beyond my imagina- speak, ever. He’s smarter SLUM’s change in ownership, we expected Department may fnd itself dissolved instead form a political opinion tion acted out in front of than Einstein. And for that the Old Prospector to feel more sympathy of only losing part of its mineral collection to for myself other than one me, let alone ofer to pay for matter, healthcare is not just for his fellow miners than for geologists. We the new owner’s fellow prospectors. that was the diametrical op- this to be done. socialism, it is some kind of heard rumors right away the campus would be But at the moment, the Geology Depart- posite of my parents. Tey Seriously, I mean, the super evil Nazi-Socialism opened up from mining claims and of-park- ment seemed less concerned about that pos- weren’t necessarily Repub- only reason why I shied that’d give Lenin’s mummy ing lot drilling. Te gold miners were already sibility. Meanwhile, rumors circulate that the licans mind you, they were away from conservatism in a boner. To hell with all of headed for the department’s mineral collec- Chemistry and Biology departments might just kind of apathetic, mis- the frst place was because this elitist liberal bullcrap, I tion. We had no choice but to act quickly if join them in the protest. informed Baptists who were I thought that conserva- will give it all up in a sec- we wanted to preserve the collection.” “If we get the Nanotech center on our side, worried that I was a neo- tives were real sticks in the ond if it means I get to have Tere were indeed gold miners on campus we can send little robots out to sabotage the Nazi when they found out I mud. Based on what I knew wealthy people to pay for when the geology department’s barriers went miners’ equipment,” Ledge said. had checked out “Te Com- of their philosophy, I never me to fy across the coun- up but they assert they were merely gathering Tings looked less promising for the As- munist Manifesto” from the thought that I would even try, stay in a fve-star hotel to party and congratulate their fellow pros- tronomy department to join them. Astrono- library when I was in the get to frst base with a con- and see some real life “Eyes pector. Resentment about the department ran my faculty and students were irritated about 7th grade. servative girl without pay- Wide Shut” stuf with my high among the gold miners themselves. having to detour around the geology barri- Seriously, I had to see a ing a dowry and marrying very eyes. “We only wanted to join in the celebration cades in order to get to their classrooms and shrink because of that shit... her frst. As far as I knew, After all, I’m only in poli- about the recent change,” said Grizzled Gus, department ofces. Ledge played this confict Anyway, the point is that they didn’t even support gay tics for the sex—just like ev- one of the gold miners gathered outside Sta- down. I formed my political iden- marriage, let alone watching erybody else... bler Hall with pick axes and shovels. “Sure, we “Tose astronomers just have their heads in tity because I was not only naked women tying them- Richard Millhouse Phipps brought our mining equipment with us. You the stars anyway,” he said. flled to the brim with teen- selves to chairs and whip- A.K.A. Mayor of Journalism never know when you might hit the mother Cocky Mocker, Science sage is a staf writer age angst and tired of hav- ping each other until they is a staf writer for Te lode.” for Te Current. ing to think too much but I achieved a very staged, over Current. Te Old Prospector has not yet issued a 20 | The Stagnant | APRIL 5, 2010 DIATRIBES The Current: world’s greatest news source

When I want read about maturely considered articles. Factor. Tis inspired my ba- ism. Since 1978 I have had what genius, mind-lowing, what’s happening in the I am a man of refned tastes sic logic. My paranoid rants bushels of Current’s delivered paradigm-shifting design world, and specifcally in Te who prides himself on his about the holocaust, moon by helicopter to my bam- technique will dominate next University of Missouri-St. discerning palate. Just look at landing, and JFK assassina- boo mansion where I can week’s front page. Louis, my favorite university my wardrobe. I’m clearly not tion, were inspired by Jessica be found most days sipping But, I digress. Basically in the world, I know exactly one to dick around when it Keil’s work in the coverage of herbal tea on the veranda what I’m try to say is that where to go. I fnd that Te comes to matters of style and the Sigma Pi suspension. Her and contemplating how I whether I’m declaring my- Current always provides the content. In fact, I so admire method of taking hearsay and might best dismantle the one self the “King of Kings” or fnest, most accurate infor- Te Current’s sense of rhetor- half-truths and extrapolating country in this cold world speaking for two hours lon- mation as relayed via uncan- ical ethics and their devotion them into broad, outrageous that truly most embodies ger than I’m supposed to at nily articulate, literate, and to logic and tact that I used statements was a particular evil... Switzerland. After tea, international conferences, witty writers. I particularly their content as a format for inspiration. and before my meeting with I’m always thinking about Papa Q enjoy the opinions section, my most recent address to the As the head of the African Tyra Banks to decide what Te Current. Tey are the where I can sleep assured of United Nations. Specifcally I Union and the leader of the Africa-themed outft I will only media source that has his Itunes reviews. In real life the fact that I will fnd only modeled my speech after the motherland’s most advanced next wear, I often am in re- never let me down, though I he is a kind and music-lov- the best supported, most rhetorical content displayed country, Libya, I have long fection of last week’s Marga- must say, that Chris Stewart ing person. Come on Chris, logical, sensitively conveyed, week after week in Te Phipps had a passion for journal- ret and Hooray, or pondering comes of awfully grouchy in “Imma Be” isn’t that bad. Mass media overreacting to nerd slayings Tis time, the Mass Media have easily made those vicious cardboard cuts. Tere’s abso- Te note he left for the police doesn’t prove anything either. has gone too far. lutely no proof it was the work of this “D&D killer.” Sure, he claims that “you’re all just players in my game” and I think we all know what To blame Dungeons and Dragons before all the facts are that “the Dungeon Master always wins,” but c’mon, seriously I’m talking about here: the so- known is haughty and wrong. “But what about the victim he now—the guy has a plaque hanging above his door that says called “Dungeons and Dragons left alive?” they’ll cry. “Te Unicorn Stable: Where All the Magic Happens”. killer. Yeah? So what? You’re going to believe a guy that says the Calling this guy “the Dungeons and Dragons killer” is like I mean, sure, people started “D&D killer” makes all his victims roll for damage and that calling John Wayne Gacy “the Killer Clown” or Ted Kaczynski calling him that after it came to he was let go only because he rolled two perfect 20s? No one “the Unabomber.” I know, right? Crazy talk. light that he makes extremely rolls two twenties in a row! Tat manifesto claiming that a secret code in the 3.5 Edi- detailed character sheets for his Te man’s obviously either a liar or a GURPS player. Peo- tion Player’s Handbook has instructions from Gary Gygax’s victims, right down to giving ple in the “blame D&D camp” will point out that when the ghost to “show them the power of Satan?” Preposterous. Ev- Club "Sandwich" Seal them characteristics, attributes FBI raided the killer’s subterranean bedroom in his mother’s eryone knows Gygax is in Heaven, sandwiched right between and once-a-day feats. house that they found perfect 1/10th scale recreations of the Frank Herbert and Gene Roddenberry. But that doesn’t mean any- crime scenes done with expertly-painted miniatures. Big deal!I Te Mass Media simply cannot accept that this killer is act- thing! Tis is just a classic case of the Mass Media once again mean, okay, the foor of his room may have been decorated ing of his own volition. It’s always something with these guys. trying to use D&D as a scapegoat for America’s problems. with stale pizza crusts and the shimmering remains of crum- If it isn’t D&D causing serial killings, it’s comics inspiring Tey’ll point out the fact that his victims have all been pled up Magic the Gathering booster packs, but that doesn’t vigilante heroes. Or violent videogames making kids kill each found with thick Cheetos stains on their fngers, poisoned prove causation! other. Or movies causing rampant lewdness amongst teenag- Mountain Dew in their stomachs, and the decaying odor of He may have ornamented the rest of his room to look like a ers. Funyuns hanging in the air. medieval keep, replete with sconces, elaborate brickwork and Te only thing we can hope for now is that this so-called And sure, police managed to deduce that his weapon of the words “DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS FOREVER” “Dungeons and Dragons killer” rolls two 1s and accidentally choice seems to be a big broadsword made out of cardboard. stenciled in Old English Text font on one of the walls, but kills himself with a critical miss. But why blame D&D? A rogue Live Action Role Player could that could be anybody’s room. Club Sandwich Seal is a staf writer for Te Current. THESTAGNANT

A place to read your dreams die slowly, yeah. APRIL 5, 2010 | The Stagnant | 21

Classified ads are “free” for students, faculty and staff. Other rates vary. To place an ad, please send your ad (40 words or less), your name, and student Classyhorse or employee number to someone else.

100 ANNOUCEMENTS GOLD RUSH, from page 8 New sport on campus needs players! The new underwater basketweaving team is in However, the Old Pros- said. “Tar will be no foo-foo of the famous Lost Dutch- need for players for the upcoming season. Men and woman are both wanted. But women pector’s own personal taste, girly stuf—only dance-hall man gold mine, “Barbary are perferred because their fingers are more nimble. Prior underwater experience a bonus. not any artistic or even en- girly stuf!” Coast” (1935), a story set tertainment merit, will be the Other flms being con- in an 1850s San Francisco fnal deciding factor. sidered for inclusion in the gambling hall and Clint East- 200 TRANSPORTATION “I want most of these to series are “Paint Your Wag- wood’s 1985 “Pale Rider.” be the kinda movie I likes on” (1991) with Lee Mar- New flms for the series Vote today! If you are reading this and have not voted to increase funding for to see—ones with lots of vin and Clint Eastwood, will be announced at the start Metrosink, then you should. Because I need it. Please. fghtin’, cussin’, minin’, pros- “White Fang” (1991) which of each month. According to pectin’, shootin’ and gamb- takes place during the Alaska the Old Prospector, the flm lin’. You know, movies about Gold Rush, “Lust for Gold” series will run “until I sez oth- 300 EMPLOYMENT people like me,” Vauxhall (1949), about the Dutchman erwise, daggummit!” See the country. Be a Panhandler! Franchises now available. Contact Boxcar Bob on the corner of Lucas and 13th between 11am and 11:15am on even number days when the sun is shining.

400 FOR SALE Eggs For Sale! I’m a farmer with eggs to sell. I got all kinds of eggs including chicken, fish and human.

500 SERVICES In-home full body shampoos! Happy finishes are extra. Franchises now available, see EMPLOYMENT above.

600 RENTALS Reunion tour announced! That classic mid-90’s power pop band is making a come- back. Rivers Cuomo is going to be sooo sorry that Matt left the band. Everyone Read The Stagnant! knows that Weezer hasn’t had a halfway decent album since Pinkerton!

700 MISCELLANEOUS [mis-uh-ley-nee-uhs] –adjective 1. consisting of members or elements of different kinds; of mixed character: a book of miscellaneous essays on American history. 2. having various qualities, aspects, or subjects: a miscellaneous discussion.

The Stagnant has taken over thecurrent-online.com! Check it out on the interwebs, for America.

Your $5,000 - $45,000 PAID for EGG DONORS for up to 9 I'm a 46 yr old female,donations. just divorced, have extra +Expenses.room/bath, lots of storage space in basement, looking for a roomate for me and my sweet miniature pinscher. Bedroom has hardwood floor. In Bridgeton, 5 AD min from 270 & 70, also 5 min from 270 & Dorsett. 10-15 min from UMSL. Washer,Dryer in basement, internet, cable, central air, dishwasher, disposal, your own spot in garage with your own opener. I'm could be Nonsmokers,very laid back, low key, quiet, not home ages much except 19-29, on weekends. SAT>1100/Taylor Ave. Bridgeton, MO. Call Margie at 314-362-9263 (M-F) or 3140298-2625 (wknd) ACT>24/GPA>3.0 here! Reply to: [email protected] 22 | The Stagnant | APRIL 5, 2010 Quandries STAGNANT CROSSWORD ACROSS DOWN STAGNANT HOROSCOPES ARIES LIBRA 2. N & Out 1. Or Without (MARCH 21 - APRIL 20) (SEPT. 24 - OCT. 23) The world’s You may find yourself faced with Your love life will heat up in- Burger You the choice between allowing tensely this week when you set someone to badmouth you or your bed on fire during a can- quickest causing a scene to get them to dlelit evening. Should have lis- stop. Here’s a third option: push tened when your mom told you them down a flight of stairs. to get a fire extinguisher. crossword 3. 70s Show 3. Onion TAURUS SCORPIO (APRIL 21 - MAY 21) (OCT. 24 - NOV. 22) You lead a chaste life despite the This week you’ll find out who actions of those around you, and your true friends are when they 5. Happened 4. Might Be that’s admirable. You’ll wear that all tell you they just don’t like purity ring to the altar, where you. If you need a hint about the One Night Giants you’ll be sacrificed in a bloody reason for this revelation, here it satanic ritual. Mazel tov! is: you’re kind of a jerk. GEMINI SAGITTARIUS (MAY 22 - JUNE 21) (NOV. 23 - DEC. 22) 6. Eye Is One 5. It In You Your significant other loves you A tall, dark and handsome strang- for your generous and giving er will enter your life this week. He The Sparrow nature, but it’s unlikely he or she will also enter your home and steal will thank you for that nasty case all your stuff, so maybe it’s time to 7. Seen On TV of herpes, even though it’s the install an alarm system or an alu- gift that keeps on giving. minum baseball bat. 7. You Afraid of CANCER CAPRICORN (JUNE 22 - JULY 22) (DEC. 23 - JAN. 20) the Dark 10. Mice and The stars have a special message Throw up your hands and ignore for you this week, Cancer. They or pass on all your responsibili- Men say that using yogurt instead of ties this week. Seriously. No one milk will give your boxed maca- really cares, and there’s always roni and cheese a delightful someone willing to do the crap 8. Man tangy flavor. Try it today! you can’t be bothered with. LEO AQUARIUS (JULY 23 - AUG. 21) (JAN. 21 - FEB. 19) 9. Tube Your doctor won’t tell you this, The universe whispers that gin is dear Leo, but the stars and those the classiest thing you can drink. who study them know that the Gain some serious social standing key to a long life is booze. Lots this week by carrying a flask to and lots of booze. This week, every event you attend. Make gin drink your way to a better you. rickeys for strangers. VIRGO PISCES (AUG. 22 - SEPT. 23) (FEB. 20 - MARCH 20) A long and extremely difficult The stars are officially pretty drunk fight with a friend or family and they say that you should bring STAGNANT SUDOKU by Gene Ween member will lead you to the re- them something to eat; a bagel 1 7 9 alization that they you were right might be nice, or a sandwich. As This week’s rating: and they don’t know what the far as advice, um...buy savings 3 2 8 hell they’re talking about. bonds and hide them somewhere. (Easy) 9 6 5 STAGNANT SCRIPTOGRAM Last 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 5 3 9 Find out who we elected as our Person of week’s Really Interesting Charecter. Each letter shown stands 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 answers 1 8 for another letter. Find out what A means, you will have 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 2 all of the A’s in the message, and so on. (Hint: Y = E) Last week’s 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 6 4 rating: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 Hard 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 3 1 ANG RYKI’ DYES! 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 4 7 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 The first student, faculty or staff member to bring the solution (along with who said it) to The Stagnant’s of- 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 7 3 fice at MSC 388 will receive a free T-shirt. APRIL 5, 2010 | The Stagnant | 23 Doodles

MARGARET & HOORAY BY COMIC SANS FREEMAN ‘Margarent & Hooray’ is normally drawn by Jerkins Perkins BANANAS ‘Bananas’ is normally drawn BY JERKINS PERKINS by The Wolfman

STARSHIP WHATEVER BY THE WOLFMAN ‘Starship Whatever’ is normally drawn by Comic Sans Freeman

RANDOM MINDS BY GOLD BULLION ‘Random Minds’ is normally drawn by Jif DVD Voiceman

AWKWARD ABE BY JIF DVD VOICEMAN

BE A NONCONFORMIST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.

‘Awkward The Stagnant Abe’ is normally drawn by Richard Millhouse Phipps & Gold Bullion 24 | The Stagnant | APRIL 5, 2010 Crap for when there’s nothing else to do. “What’s Stagnant” is a “free” service for student orgs who hate us. Submissions are due after the Tuesday following publications. Space is limited, so bring a “gift.” The guy that makes this page needs to wet his beak. Gold bars, strippers and chocolate truffles are preferred. All of these events What’s Stagnant will not actually happen. Monday, Apr. 5 Current staff suspended! Pot With Professors! You’ve thought about it, you’ve dreamt about it, you’ve impressed people with your coolness by joking about it, now you get to do it! Groove with a different fac- ulty member each week, get utterly stoned, and discuss current events. For more info contact Randy at extension 420.

Crack With Professors! Haha, just kidding. There are some places even The Stagnant won’t go. Not after last year.

ITC Long Courses Learn everything there is to know about Linux in this ultra-comprehensive 47-hour course taught by that one nerdy guy you know who is obsessed with Linux and speaks Esperanto and shit. For more Info contact IT Services.

Tuesday, Apr. 6 Party in Chuck’s Dorm Hell yeah it’s on. Bring that one girl I saw you with the other day, the one who said she’s single. Oh, and, I hate to do this, but could you throw down this time? Usu- ally you’re just like “No, I only want like one” but you end up taking like four. I’m not a fucking Rockefeller, you know? But hey man, we’re cool, we’re cool. I’m just saying.

Watch Phipps Get Sued The Current’s own political columnist Andy Phipps will be sued by various individuals, groups, corportations, and one small, semi-autonomous city-state. Live in The Century Rooms. For more information, contact SLUM’s College Republicans chapter.

Wednesday, Apr. 7 Spleenectemy The Nursing Department is sponsoring the public removal of some kid’s spleen. This is sick and nobody should attend. For more information, contact a counsellor because you have problems. ...between two palm Plucky Group of Youngsters Put on a Musical Some neighborhood guttersnipes have banded together to save their old clubhouse which a mean, villanous city councilman has proposed should be torn down so that he and his cronies can have a new golf course. For more trees on hemp hammock! information contact Freckles McBrewster, who has no cell phone but can be usually be found on the swing set or playing four-square. Saturday, Apr. 10 Thursday, Apr. 8 Field Trip to The Prospector’s Mines The Prospector is seeking physically durable young men and women with no living family relations and as few friends as possible. Interested News @ Midnight Join this unique collaborative effort between The Stagnant and The Nation- students are asked to clear out their current residence of all worldly posessions and bring all al Inquirer. The Inquirer provides the cheeseburgers while The Stagnant provides the up-to-date copies of any government I.D. that they own, as well as a good attitude! For more information topics and professors willing to discuss them. This week a Political Science Professor discusses please contact Klaus, the Prospector’s surly henchman. the debate over whether America should remain a non-expansionalist nation or whether they should re-engage in the Spanish American War. Phi Mu Alpha’s “How Metal is Your Party?” Party Come out to the metalist Greek event of the year. Phi Mu Alpha Sinfonia, SLUM’s largest and most popular Fraternal organization is Race for The Cure…For Zombie-ism Various campus groups are seeking to find a solution back with their annual “How Metal is Your Party?” Party, the ultra-popular event where the to the most recent socio-medical possible sweeping the Nation: Zombie-ism. For more informa- Sinfonia guys take some time off of doing their secret frat stuff and throw the metalist party tion you can contact the SLUM chapter of Zombie Squad. in town. Come see Dave Jackson, naked, wearing the bloody carcass of a recently slaughtered cow. See John Nuckols play Emperor riffs on his black-and-yellow guitar...with his tongue. See David Adams play MAG all day. For more information go to the secret undisclosed location of Friday, Apr. 9 Sinfonia’s secret lair where they are probably up to some seriously metal shit. How To Identify Red Sympathizers Join Political Science proffesor Martin RawChester for a detailed workshop on how to spot secret Communist sympathizers in your town, community, and even home! Hear Rochester’s trademark informative lists such as Red Flag Phrases like “I gave a homeless guy a dollar today” or “Gee do I like public libraries”. See charts detailing the kinds of clothing (free-trade, locally-made) and food (organic, vegetarian, shared amongst a group) that Communists like. Not to be missed by any truly patriotic students! Free food for The Stagnant anyone who provides information that leads to prosecutable action. Green. The offical color of the SLUM student rag since 1966.