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Stagnant, April 05, 2010 University of Missouri, St. Louis IRL @ UMSL Current (2010s) Student Newspapers 4-5-2010 Stagnant, April 05, 2010 University of Missouri-St. Louis Follow this and additional works at: https://irl.umsl.edu/current2010s Recommended Citation University of Missouri-St. Louis, "Stagnant, April 05, 2010" (2010). Current (2010s). 11. https://irl.umsl.edu/current2010s/11 This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the Student Newspapers at IRL @ UMSL. It has been accepted for inclusion in Current (2010s) by an authorized administrator of IRL @ UMSL. For more information, please contact [email protected]. APRIL 5, 2010 VOL. 43; The Stagnant ISSUE 1309 ALSO INSIDE SLUM Quidditch HAIL OUR NEW Team to start this fall CHANCELLOR! 6 ‘There Will Be Bloodbaths’ sequel announced 8 Prospector J. Q. Vauxhall Jr. wins control of SLUM Stupid hipsters from Chancellor Tom 11 “The Tank Engine” George in high-stakes poker game. PAGE 3 STD and XXX host ‘Orgy for the Cure’ 13 2 | The Stagnant | APRIL 5, 2010 RUMORS The Stagnant VOLUME 43, ISSUE 1309 PROPAGANDISTS Dictator.......................................................................Hollywood Keil Forest Man.....................................................................Beardy Dude Mayor of Journalism...................................Richard Millhouse Phipps Head Features Bitch...............................................Sasweeta Ol’ Bean Master Dork.....................................................Club “Sandwich” Seal Jocks Editor.....................................................................Sporty Spice Awesome Guy.......................................................................Cochise Culture Vulture.............................................................Cocky Mocker Barbarian...........................................................................Jim Shafer Crappy Editors....................................................Spacey Beckenholdt, Becky “The Hyphenator” Knuckles poofreedrz..............................................................Mrs. T, Say Again Gotcha Journalists................................Sam Adams, Ashley Afghans, Scarlett O’Hara, Roach Clip, Jan Scherererererer, RICHARD MILLHOUSE PHIPPS / THE STAGNANT Papa Sky, Sir Edward Thore III ARTISTIC HIPSTERS God.................................................................................Gene Ween The Parking War to end all parking wars Assistant to the Gene........................................................Dean Ween Soul Stealer............................................................Jennifer Meathead HOLLYWOOD KEIL claiming Residential Half- ity,” BabeRaham Ritter, never in my wildest days Magic Paper Elves.........................Gold Bullion, Comic Sans Freeman Dictator Life half-trained the assassin president of the Northern could I have foreseen this sort Paparazzi..............Sofie Sex, Albert Anderson, Hilarious Name Tanaka, to murder Ferdinand-Chow Campus, said in an address of ruthlessness,” Charles Kor- Leanna Ohwells After months of preven- in attempts to “…tarnish the to the Assembly, “Tey can’t relione, professor emeritus This Guy.........................................................................Gold Bullion tative war talks between the Shack Valley Apartments’ im- yellow-ticket scare the Unit- of history and recent author Staving Artists.............Jif DVD Voiceman, The Wolfman, Jerkins Perkins, SLUM empires of Adminis- peccable reputation of safety ed Commuter Students into of “More than a Commute: Gold Bullion, Comic Sans Freeman tro-Faculty and the United and security.” seceding from its alliance All Quiet on the Unnatural Commuter Students, Turs- And after the University with the night school com- Bridge,” said. MONEY LAUNDERING FRONT day’s assassination of the Cellpartments war declara- muters. My government is of Ten, while sadly watch- Business Mangler.........................................................Oreck Vacuum Minister of Propaganda.............................................Ludwig van Bach Archduke of Parking Ap- tion was read in the “What’s the commuter, by the com- ing some chemistry profes- Budget Cutting Manager.................................................Other Phipps peals, E. “Franz” Ferdinand- Stagnant” section of the ru- muter, and for the commut- sors nerve-gas the trenches Holder of Bail Money.........................................................Petty Cash Chow (so-named because of mormonger newspaper, Te er. All commuters are created that used to be the Sexy his undying love for Franzia Stagnant (or, as we call it, equal! I am therefore declar- Nursing College Building, www.thecurrent-online.com box wine), erupted in several “Te Gestapo”) war declara- ing war against the Highway Korrelione named the con- declarations of war. tions began to be handed Robbery and Transportation fict the “Parking War to Today, SLUM criminol- out like those annoying fyer Department Empire.” End All Parking Wars” and The Stagnant is the annual parody issue of The Current. The stories, ogy majors are still uncertain people on the Y2K Bridge Ten, after a pause, she walked toward the MetroS- photographs, and illustrations are not real and should not be taken which group trained the as- had something to do with it. added: “And also against tink station, head bowed, as seriously. The Stagnant does not intend to seriously offend any indi- vidual or group. Advertisements in this issue are real unless otherwise sassin who frst poisoned the Soon, SLUM empires be- the Adminstro-Faculty Em- the sun’s blood-orange rays specified. Advertising rates are available upon request; terms, condi- Archduke by replacing the gan accusing rival empires pire just because I’m not up set in the west. tions, and restrictions apply. bag in his Franzia box (nor- of providing the second half for reelection next year and A day later, Friday, April mally flled with fermented, of training to Ferdinand- they’ve been bustin’ my balls 2, the war commenced with The Current, financed in part by student activities fees for now, is not headache-inducing liquid Chow’s assassin and students all week.” the signing of the Treaty of an official publication of UM-St. Louis. The University is not responsible for the content of The Current or The Stagnant and/or its policies. All bliss) with Chartwellian began parking in emergency It can be argued that it Pierre-Laclede, wherein fac- materials contained in each printed and online issue are property of white zinfandel-favored piz- hazard parking spots, parking was this proclamation that ulty promised to stop park- The Current and may not be reprinted, reused, or reproduced without za grease, and then backed on lawns and in classrooms, turned the War on Parking ing in students’ spots all the the prior, expressed and written consent of The Current, including The over his artery-clogged corpse and even parking over the from your run-of-the-mill time and students promised Stagnant. in the Shack Valley apart- beautifully painted lines that parking warfare into apoca- to stop taking all the Me- The Stagnant does not accept letters to the editor, gripes, qualms, ment complex parking lot distinguish one parking spot lyptic pandemonium. Imme- troStink parking to quick- complaints or bones-to-pick. If we’ve done something that you don’t into his parking space with from the other! diately after Northern Cam- and-sneakily avoid buying a like, write it down on a piece of paper, and mail it to: The Stagnant their Gremlin. And within one day, pus aligned with the United parking pass. Complaint Dept., Trash Can, 1 University Blvd, St. Louis, MO 63121. Almost immediately after the Highway Robbery and Commuter Students against After signing the treaty, Also, consider complaining to the University so they can cut our fund- the news of the assassination Transportation Department the Administro-Faculty Em- the empires all attended the ing even more, or perhaps suspend us. Again. was read in the “Crimeline” Empire declared war on the pire, the Southern Cam- funeral service of Ferdinand- (DON’T) CONTACT US of the rag newspaper (or as we United Commuter Students pus ofcially seceded from Chow, the sole casualty of call it—“propagandapaper”) Empire after they refused to SLUM, ofering free parking Te Parking War to End All Address Hobo.Jungle,.1.University.Blvd Te Stagnant, the University comply with an ultimatum to any commuter willing to Parking Wars. Saint Louis, MO 63121-4400 Cellpartments Powers de- that the Empire keeps night fght on its side. A reception followed. Newsroom 267-385-3706 clared war against the Resi- school commuters neutral. “Parking disputes have Franzia wine provided free of Business/Advertising 781-452-2073 dential Half-Life Empire, “Tis is just utter insan- caused wars in the past, but charge. Fax The fax is broken. E-mail.(General) [email protected] WEATHER E-mail.(Advertising) [email protected] E-mail.(Employment.Inquiries) [email protected] M 159 T 201 W 211 TH 231 F 1112 S -66 S 707 E-mail.(Tips) [email protected] Twitter slumstagnant 99 121 97 230 915 -73 111 RUMORS APRIL 5, 2010 | The Stagnant | 3 WORLD NEWS Joe Biden not really US citizen Amongst fiery debate over Barack Obama’s nationality, which turned out to be nothing more than a bunch of hot air, it was revealed that Joseph Biden is actually a Canadian national who has been living under false pretense in the United States since 1974, when he fled to America for its lax gun laws—Biden is an avid collector of vintage Kalashnikovs. “Herbal
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