Rip up your tourist brochures! Get your butt off Bourbon Street, and cross over to the “other side.” Our no-holds-barred insider’s guide only is the thing you’ll ever need to experience —and Mardi Gras—the way the coolest locals do.

“NEW ORLEANS WAS a place to hide,” wrote Charles Bukowski, the dive sweeping up the horrors of . That means fresh hell if bard and Barfly author. “I could piss away my life there.” you are in the , where mounted police are just waiting for Which is what this most infamous city is for most visitors, especially the opportunity to pounce. during Mardi Gras season: a place to get hammered and stay that way, Why get laid over in Obvious Land, when you could be imbibing and lose your shirt, then your shit, hit the strip clubs and tourist traps of inhaling the spookiest, sexiest, tastiest, most haunted and hedonistic Bourbon Street, spend your cash on countless $9 Hurricane drinks and metropolis in the U.S., perhaps the world? “slippery nipple” shooters, all the while screaming, “Show us your tits!” Hide your wallet in your tighty-whities and follow our A-team of ex- at boozy, floozy coeds gone wild. perts—all seasoned veterans of crawling and brawling through every But is that what you really want to do when you’re in this “strange, dec- inch of the city—taking you, among many other best-kept secrets, to adent city,” as vampire novelist Anne Rice called it, for a long (read: lost) the extended block party of the Faubourg weekend? The entire time? By STeve garbarino Marigny’s , as well as a Mardi Gras this year falls on February 24—Fat Tuesday, as it’s called— PhotographS by rollicking bar run down . and for the entire month the party and parades will roll on, gaining size maddy simpson Grab a go-cup, and, as the Cajuns say, like a snowball down Everest. An estimated one million visitors are photo-illustration “Laissez les bon temps rouler!” That’s “Let the expected, inundating the Creole-cottaged cobblestone streets, still by eric heinz good times roll” to you, Yankee boy! The Raw and the Cooked: sweetest Oysters Jonathan Swift once said, “He was a bold man that first ate an oyster.” Pussy! The mollusks that thrive in hottest spot for the brackish waters of Lake Pontchartrain are the rea- Mardi Gras sex son you come to New Orleans. And given the oyster’s Under the Bleachers reputation for stiffening the ol’ shuck stick, they just in Lafayette Square may be the secret ingredient to the city’s hedonistic Nothing like getting frisky stew. If you like them raw, swirled into the preferred beneath the butts of hun- local concoction—horseradish, lemon juice, ketchup, dreds of drunk, oblivious and Tabasco—head to Bozo’s (3117 21st St., Metairie), tourists—trust us. As they a no-frills, linoleum-tabled joint boasting some of the focus on the floats passing fattest, freshest oysters around. Casamento’s (4330 by on St. Charles Avenue, Magazine St.), a tiled-from-top-to-bottom Uptown the throngs that flock to Acme Oyster you’ll be focusing on more storefront, serves them fresh-shucked or fried and House (724 Iberville St.). If you’re not so carnal pursuits. Hey, it’s stuffed into a po’boy, to equally delicious effect. The into the raw deal, go to Drago’s Sea- Mardi Gras! No one’ll oyster stew is manna, too. Noisy, bustling Landry’s food Restaurant (2 Poydras St.), which notice a thing. Seafood House (400 N. Peters St.) may attract the specializes in grilled oysters, roasted odd gastro-tourist (for good reason), but nothing like over an open fire. Slurp!—Julian Sancton best place to get a bite Boutique du Vampyre (712 Orleans St., feelthebite.com): Mark your territory on that UNO coed you met at the Abbey bar around the bend. This curio shop behind St. Louis Cathedral specializes in disturbingly realistic custom vampire fangs. Made of dental-grade acrylic from a mold of Gator Mania! your chompers, they snap right in without glue. At $100 to $800 a pop, there’s much at stake. Where to see a scaly beast (and other loads of croc). horniest clubs Coming here without seeing live music is like going to Amsterdam and passing up the hash brownies. If you want to hear traditional New Orleans —don’t call it “Dixieland” (that’s what white dudes in straw hats play on the ferryboat in Disney World)—head to the Palm Court Jazz Cafe (1204 Decatur St.), a tiled-floor club with an oak bar and purist combos. The Faubourg Marigny is Jazz Central, and hipster hangout d.b.a. (618 Frenchman St.) hits all the right notes (great name-brand acts, great- looking crowd). But our favorite is the Spotted Cat (623 Frenchman St.), a sweaty little hole that squeezes squeezebox lovers in. Must-see: wizard Washboard Chaz. Uptown way, don’t let the crowd that nightly spills out of legendary storefront tavern the Maple Leaf Bar (8316 Oak St.) stop you from catching the wild-man , R&B, jazz, zydeco, and electric blues, rocking the bar’s stage and shaking the hammered-tin ceiling; Tuesday night is owned by the rollicking (arrive early). (626 Frenchman St.) is the place for Neville Brothers sightings (Aaron’s the one with that mole). If you’re in a spiritual mood—or you just feel like hitting the lanes—roll over to the Rock N’ Bowl (4133 S. Carrollton Ave.), whose owner, a fervent Catholic, returned from a White Alligator Alligator Sightings pilgrimage to Medjugorje in the former Yugoslavia after 1 (6500 Magazine St., 2 Jean Lafittte Swamp making a petition to the Virgin Mary to help him financially audubon institute.org): In the Airboat Tour (800-445- take care of his family. When he returned he was asked if Swamp exhibit at 4109): One of countless he wanted to buy a bowling alley, which he did, and turned the Audubon Zoo, you can cracker operations that take it into a successful music club. He watch the blue-eyed white you out into Hoodoo Land “I shot a big piece of built it, and they came. alligator mix it up with the for about $70 a person. This JFK in New Orleans. regulars to little effect. A case one’s about a half-hour out- Unlike any other friendliest of reverse discrimination. side of the city in Marrero, La. American city, it Rick’s Cabaret (315 Bourbon St., belongs to another ricks.com): Like dive bars, flesh time and place. More 3 Great American 4 Alligator Boneyard factories are abundant here, ranging Alligator Museum Wanna see jaws of dream than urban from the spectacular to the terrify- (2051 Magazine St., 504-523- death? It’s a frightening field metropolis, it is, like ing. Rick’s is the best of the former, 5525): “Fossils, taxidermy, of reptillian bones outside of Cuba, a memory of boasting a fun, non-creepy vibe and folk art,” and assorted rep­ an alligator processing plant repressed the hottest girls we’ve seen. Bonus: desires.” tilian kitsch, oddly placed near Lafayette. But you better Instead of forcing you to buy them in an antique zone of the Oliver turn on the GPS. Take I-10 and Stone a $20 drink, and a $100 lap dance, Lower Garden District. Bring look for the Stansel Rice Co. they will sit and chat and “even make home a gator paw keychain and D&D Sporting, then ask a you laugh.” Yeah, that’s why you’re for the littlun! gas station attendant… there—to make a new friend!

Know Your N’awlins Patois: A Glossary of Terms

sucking heads: slurping in the seasoned yehyouright: yes, that is exactly juices from the head of a crawfish correct mudbugs: slang for crawfish ye’ mom and them: your family RBR: red beans and rice, served in house- y’at: Rednecks from the West Bank holds and cafés each Monday, known as say, “where y’at?” instead of “RBR Mondays” “what’s up?” A BRASS BALL: All jazzed up at the cash money: cash —Stinson Carter axe: ask Maple Leaf Bar.

MARCH 2009 l MAXIM 57 Divinest dive in Dixie The Saint Bar and Lounge (961 St. Mary St.): Telephone Babe wires hum overhead and a streetlamp buzzes, threaten- Factory: ing to go out as you approach the yellow neon halo on the REPUBLIC pockmarked wooden door, here on this sketchy street. This Republic (828 S. Peters St., republic is David Lynch Land. Enter and you are suddenly swept from nola.com): If you live in Old Metairie or harm’s way into alkie heaven, the hole-iest of all dives—a the West Bank—’burbs of New Orleans serious honor here. True, the Saint, located in Uptown’s —this is where the just-of-drinking-age Irish Channel neighborhood, isn’t much to look at: drop hotties cross the bridges to test out ceilings rec-room paneling, a creepy little side room made their new spandex mini-dresses and for misbehavior. But the devil is in the details, like the sur- six-inch heels, away from Mom and real color photo booth in which you can attach your head Pop’s disapproving eyes. The two-story, to a bonneted baby’s body. Alterna-dudes, resident crazies, 7,000-square-foot warehouse of dirty slumming-it socialites, big daddies in seersucker, hotties dancing is also where savvy local shop in denim minis, and local rock bands cram the thrift-store girls come to circle those upstairs VIP couches and bar stools for muddy Bloodies and homemade banquettes, accommodating some of moonshine. The music ranges from Jimmie Rodgers yokel the city’s more eligible bachelors. The to speed metal. Pet Lily, the bar cat, and say a prayer at bottle service may seem “a bit much” the weirdo shrine to Saint Jude, the patron saint of lost for this town. But Republic is ultimately causes (like you). a democracy: It boasts some of the most mixed crowds in the city. No, this is not Best Place to Watch a your grandfather’s New Orleans. Small Child Get Eaten by Snapping Turtles Audubon Park: Find Pitt Street—not named after favorite son Brad—and take it until it runs into the park. Walk directly to the bayou’s edge, and stop. If the sun is out and it’s not too cold, you will see clusters of sinister turtles lying about in conga lines on fallen water oaks, waiting, waiting—for little Percival to wander away from Mom. biggest Athletic Supporter Cooter Brown’s Tavern & Oyster Bar (509 S. Carrollton Ave., cooterbrowns.com): More like a Wild West saloon in a ghost town than a traditional sports bar, Cooter Brown’s—with its Pure Prairie League mas- cot—nonetheless has more plasma-screens-per-square- inch than anywhere else in the city. This Riverbend favor- ite of old-timers and the col- Mardi Gras Survival tips American Express: Don’t leave hotel with it. Keep lege crowd reeks of ammonia, “I love anything Chef 1. cards, and cash, well-hidden—ditch that sucker’s and the rest rooms don’t even Donald Link is involved fat wallet. Your girlfriend should bring her ID. Barely have locks on the doors. But with, and his restaurant Legal is a strip club here, but door guys check the that—plus an extensive beer Cochon is all about my “ladies” during Mardi Gras. Undercover cops abound. list and fresh oysters—is the favorite animal: pig. Chef Layer your clothes. Temperatures go up and down on point. No sausage factory, the Link is a heroic figure in my 2. you like that girl at Johnnie White’s Hole-in-the-Wall. local ladies like it, too. eyes—not just for his ability And know that this city gets wet. to coax rainbows of flavor Drink and drive by taking the streetcar. It’ll transport Best disguise depot from that most magical 3. your sorry ass from the French Quarter to the Uptown Costume and Dancewear (4326 Magazine St., 504- of beasts, but because he equally lubricated Garden District for $1.25 a pop. Get 895-7969): You don’t want co-workers or family members to was one of the first chefs off, so to speak, wherever you want. Many of them recognize you during Mardi Gras, so all the better to be wearing back in New Orleans after run until 2 a.m. a chicken outfit, Jerry Lewis teeth, a wolfman mask, a rubber Katrina. He personifies the Call restaurants in advance for reservations before penis nose, or a Clockwork Orange jumpsuit! Just avoid the very best of NOLA 4. going—or at least to find out if they’re open. New pointy Ku Klux Klan hats: The locals will not be amused. food culture.” Anthony Orleans runs on its own time; some places are closed on the most unlikely of days—Tuesday?—and keep Best Revenge Bourdain, chef, odd hours of operation. (Sundays, even during Mardi Voodoo Doll from Voodoo Authentica (612 Dumaine; TV show host Gras, are deader than Jeff Buckley.) voodooshop.com): “Practitioner-made” voodoo dolls are just (No Reser- Don’t just wander around like a gypsy or take guid- the ticket for providing your prick of a boss with a little scrotal vations) 5. stinging. Juju, grigri, potions, and ritual kits aren’t made to be ance from some weirdo. Plan a route in advance. Pick taken lightly, but you have no intention of doing so, right? up a free Gambit, WHEREY’AT, or Antigravity (for live-rock fans), the alternative tabs of the city. They list venues by neighborhood, dates of live shows, and happy hours, and offer capsule reviews of local eats NOM DE PLUME: and drinks. They’re found in record shops and cafés. Mask up at Uptown Costume Shop. …and more slang to sling

who dat? who is that? mash the button: press the button lagniappe (lann-yap): a little something makin’ groceries: buying groceries extra thrown in for free buggy: grocery basket banquette: sidewalk pass a good time: have a good time neutral ground: median shotgun (single or double): a house with all gallery: balcony rooms connected by a central hallway—S.C.

58 MAXIM l MARCH 2009 SAY THIS/NOT THAT

a. Say “Nuwohr-lins,” don’t say, “N’awlins,” d. Say “Bur-GUN-dy” Street, not “Bur- and never say, “New Or-leens.” gundy” Street. Best Place to Black Out b. Say “the River,” not “the Mississippi e. , a key thoroughfare, Lafitte’s Blacksmith Shop (941 Bourbon St.): “Was that River.” is pronounced, “Chop-i-too-las.” James Gandolfini I just pissed next to in the bathroom? Wait…I can see now. It was!” The gaslit, oldest freestanding structure c. Call it “the parade,” not “Mardi Gras.” f. “Co-cola,” not Coca-Cola.—S.C. in the U.S., and the oldest bar in New Orleans (circa 1772), is so dark inside day or night that you’ll be squinting like a vampire when you leave. People vanish here.

cheapest 24 Hours of your life Ms. Mae’s (4336 Magazine St.): Local Libations of Distinction The Uptown collegiate and post- Hurricanes, Monsoons, and Mudslides, oh, my! If you want a taste of collegiate pack-’em-in that’s an almost guarantee for a one-night New Orleans, then give these elixirs a whirl of the ol’ swizzle stick. And stand (for man, woman, or other) ordering a Bloody Mary, anywhere, is a must—”spicy bean” included. draws a boisterous, shot-swilling crowd. And imagine this: $1 cock- tails. It’s a fun close to a night, or a morning. Next stop? Death.

Craziest Creole kitchen Jacques-Imo’s Café (8324 Oak St., jacquesimoscafe.com): With a wild-man spirit that carries over to his boisterous rock’n’roll kitchen, Chef Jack Leonardi, the unofficial mayor of , is New Orleans’ Mario Batali (sans the clogs, red face, and piglet tail). The “experience” of eating at this casual but serious Creole-Cajun swamp-boogie house begins when diners walk directly through the bustling open kitchen into the dining room, where the Stones are cranking. But the real magic is the wildly imaginative, indigenous cuisine. No one does a better blackened redfish, period. And the shrimp-and-gator-sausage cheesecake is simply amazing. Feeling weird? Eat your dinner at the two-top in the flatbed of the Jacques- Imo’s house truck. Encore!

smokin’est place to get lit Mayan Import Company (3009 Mag- The Ramos Gin Fizz, The Sazerac was The Pimm’s Cup was azine St.; mayanimport.com) We don’t 1 a frothy hangover cure, 2 recently declared the 3 invented in the mid- know Jack about cigars, but there’s a was invented by Henry Ramos official drink of New Orleans. 18th century by English oyster lot of them here, and the young, cool in 1888. Difficult to make, the This licorice-tasting cocktail bar owner James Pimm, and dudes who run this shop seem to know their Cohibas. Or, milkshake-like drink is worth is served chilled in an old- it somehow found its way to if you prefer, come for the dirt-cheap, hard-to-find import the wait (tip extra). Ingre- fashioned glass. Ingredients: New Orleans. Ingredients: cigarettes—like Shepheard’s Hotels. Best of all, it’s housed in dients: dry gin, lemon juice, three ounces of rye, simple Pimm’s No. 1, ginger ale, shot a former orphanage! fresh egg whites, seltzer, syrup, Peychaud bitters, of seltzer, cucumber garnish. powdered sugar, orange absinthe splash. Often served Served in a tall glass, it’s the Best Club to Strut Your Stuff, Y’all flower. We like ’em at with an orange-rind twist. Go drink of favor at Napoleon Balcony Music Club (1331 Decatur St., at Esplanade Ave.): The Columns. to Antoine’s. House. The sweaty Quarter-Marigny venue is luring a refreshingly mixed crowd of local twenty- and thirtysomethings—who all know how to swing, jitterbug, Cajun two-step, and have a wild time. Nightly, some of the most spontaneous acts in town, from new-Dixie and soul to funk and electric blues, play here. It all jumps, Jasper.

sweetest spot to make up with her Sucré (3025 Magazine St.; shopsucre.com): You really shouldn’t have made out with your girlfriend’s boozed-up “We tell people they BFF. But this is the place to make it all better with your sweet-toothed sweetheart the next day. See! You really are a should go to New refined gentlemen, choosing this newcomer confectionary Orleans because it’s and dessert room—quite the little modernist jewel box in TOP 10 bargain bars not an easy place to the honky-tonk fray. Now, back to being a dick! 1. Snake & Jake’s Christmas Club Lounge (7612 describe. It’s a special Oak St.): Santa Claus is drunk, year-round. place, and a unique 2. Mother-in-Law Lounge (1500 N. Claiborne Ave.): part of America, and “YOU GOT PURDY Leave the old ball and chain at home. the people are great. LIPS!” The house 3. The Kingpin Bar (1307 Lyons St.): Uptown’s truck at Jacques-Imo’s. casual, chick-friendly shrine to Elvis. But you’ve got to 4. The Saturn Bar (3067 St. Claude Ave.): Truly a go there to really planet unto its own, far, far out there… experience it. You’ve 5. Half Moon Bar (1125 St. Mary St.): Great for gotta feel daytime drinking, best neon sign in town. 6. Buffa’s (1001 Esplanade Ave.): Soccer it. You’ve (grand)mom Dixie band on Sundays. gotta 8. Chuck’s Bar (510 Gravier St.): Open 24 hours, the come.” last neighborhood bar in the CBD. “No Sleeping.” 9. St. Joe’s Bar (5535 Magazine St.): Monastery dark Angelina inside, heavenly patio out back. Jolie 10. Igor’s (501 Esplanade Ave.) Laundromat and bar.

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special thanks to: think tank productions & model management, Nick Haramis, Jewel Grosch, Rachel Held, alicia schulz, and rick Jervis.