The Potato Rights Movement the Struggle for Equality

by DEE CEITFUL founding fathers didn’t even mention the potatoe.” Throughout history the world The Potato Rights Movement Idaho governor Clarence has seen many groups suffer from Spud peal commented, “ We owe a needless persecution and torment. lot to our little brown friends, the Fortunately, social change, albeit potatoes. Why without the potatoe, slow at times, has occurred and The Struggle for Equality we’d all have to eat brocoli and many of these persecuted groups against all local establishments symbolic ‘bag-burning,’ where the to protect America’s vital interest other squirmy green things. ” now have an equal role and plaee dealing in, what the leader of the members of F.E.V. will burn at all costs,” Schmidt stated. in our culture. However, per group, Hawkeye au Gratin, termed hundred of potatoe sacks. “ We feel According to Vinnie Shwaw, co According to Tatertot, the cruel secution and exploitation is still as “vegetable slave tradë.” Au like these activities will serve to ordinator of the American Potatoe treatment of potatoes and food in occurring for some groups with no Gratin stated, “ We’re damned fed- highten public awareness,” said Anti-defimation League, the general exists here on the UCSB end in sight. One of the worst up with being forced to live in Louie Tatertot of the Free Starch biggest problem facing the potatoe campus at the University Center examples of this mistreatment of a cramped cellophane bags and committee. in America is the predjudice that cafeteria. “ At first we thought that minority group is the daily abuse getting deep-fat fried all the time.” Although Tatertot was optimistic most humans feel towards the the UCen french fries weren’t that potatoes are forced to endure. The campaign has been un about the outcome of the new potatoe. “ Most people believe the really potatoes. Afterall, they don’t According to Sammy Spud, derway for some two‘months now campaign, he does not feel that stereotype that potatoes are look or smell like potatoes, and spokespotatoe for the newfy and au Gratin feels that people are there is an end in sight for the second class citizens. They think they certainly don't taste like founded Freedom and Equality for really beginning to notice the problems faced by potatoes. that we’re dirty and hang around potatoes. But we found out that Vegetables committee, or F.E.V. groups efforts. “ Just yesterday, “ Sure, we’ve come a long way, but in gangs or bunchs. They see us they actually do use real potatoes as they are called, stated that, we raided MacDonalds and held when you consider the huge just lying around in supermarkets and not the left-over styrofoam “ Without a doubt, we brown .dirt seventeen Big Macs hostage untill numbers of my fellow potatoes that and they think we’re lazy. All this plates and cups like we once vegetables are the most misun the Quarter Pounders agreed to are boiled alone every year,well, it is just sprouts as far as I ’m con thought. Our next move will be a derstood and persecuted minority meet with us and discuss our just brings a tear to my eyes.” cerned." Schwaw explained that raid on the UCen. Our tentative in the world today.” demands,” au Gratin stated. According to Spud and others, most potatoes try to lead normal plan is to liberate our comrades Groups like F.E.V. are working However,' a spokesperson for the United States Army .is one of lives but often find it difficult in and then find Lorden ( the former to change the current situation and MacDonalds Reataurants Inc. at a the largest “ killers" of potatoes. America where they are laughed UCen director) and attempt to better life for all potatoes. “ Right later press conference stated, “ We “ Just think about how many in at or simply eaten. “ We’re fed-up break his hair with high powered now, our main goal is education. will not deal with these mindless nocent young vegetables are sent with the stupid ethnic jokes like explosives.” We feel that if we can just teach terrorist spuds. Thank God that off to Army kitchens and are never “ look, it’s Mister Potatoe-head,” people about society ’s treatment of none of our burgers were hurt, but seen again. I don’t know for sure, or “ Hey you, starch-face,” but the Tatertot explained that many the potato then the conditions that we did loose a triple thick shake. ’ ’ but I’ve been told that they have ones that cook me are when people felt the P.L.F. actions are ex we are force to live under can’t Spud and other members feel there skins ripped-off and then are say,“ I ’d punch you in the eyes, but cessively drastic, but he explained, help ' but improve," Mr. Spud that terrorist activities may be boiled and mashed. This kind of stated. I only have two hands,” or “ What “ Sure, we break laws and take hurting the movement. "W e don’t vegocide has just got to be stop did one potatoe say to the other? drastic actions, but what about the F.E.V. and other so-called want to hurt anyone, we just want ped." Nothing, potatoes can’t talk.” thousands of our brothers that are vegetable liberation what is rightfully ours," he said. Major General Arnold "Bull" We re just trying to tell people that being turned into those un-Godly, oraganizations feel that the main Spud assured that the new cam Schmidt of the U.S. Army’s we don’t think these jokes ihe putred french fries? We have to act problem is not the actual abuse, paign to increase public awareness quartermaster's corps stated funny anymore.” now.’” but is the apathy that most people about the plight of the potatoe was "Sure, we feed our boys spuds. So Schwaw also believes that the Whatever the means, one fact fe e l. towards the potatoe. "If going to be nothing more than what? If you ask me this potatoe potatoe is considered an in remains crystal clear, the myth of humans would just remember that peaceful. "Sure we,’ve got some uprising is nothing short of a tellectual inferior. “ People think the famous American “ steak and we spuds have feelings to then I hot-potatoes in our group that want socialist commie revolution. I say we're stupid. How many times potatoes” meal must be changed if feel like things will change. People action, but I feel that we can keep all potatoes should be mashed or have you heard the expression we are to avoid the potatoe take us for granted." Spud con them in line." fried." Although Schmidt would ‘small potatoes?’ Its just not fair uprising that we are rapidly ap cluded. The theme of the new F.E.V. not officially comment on the but its always been that way. The proaching. As Tatertot put it To combat this apathy, a local campaign will be ‘Think before you possibility of using tactical nuclear Declaration of Independence “ Something has got to give or I group, calling themselves The mash.’ The campaign will involve weapons in the face of a massive states clearly, "W e hold these think that a lot of innocent people Potatoe Liberation Front, has seminars, lectures and a fun potatoe uprising, he did not entiely truths to be self-evident, that all and potatoes alike are going to end launched a terrorist campaign draising dance, culminating in a rule out the possibility. “ We have men are created equal .” The up getting shoe-stringed.” PAGES DAILY BOGUS WEDNESDA Y, MARCH 12. 1980 CLOG & SHOE SALE Closeout Styles 1/2 off All Other Shoes and Clogs U l E G L S . 10% off — HOUSE OF HOLLAND — How do you feel about the potato-rights movement? Studio 17 — 19 El Paseo — Santa Barbara 962 3511 (Across from City Hall) Marty Cusack, ASUCSB President. Yeah. I think it’s really a problem, especially those UCen french fries. I mean, how long will this kind of thing continue? It seems to me like a clear case of a BirkenstodC violation of basic constitutional rights. Vegetable THESANDAL THAI Council recently issued a proclamation voicing our MOLDS TO YOUR K ET unanimous support for the rights of all potatoes. 962-9478 Let your feet make a place for themselves. LOCATED IN MCADILLY SQUARE 813 STATE ST. • DOWNTOWN Robert A. Huttenback, Chancellor UCSB. Potatoes? They serve those at the UCen, right? Well, I don’t see anything wrong with potatoes. As a matter of fact, I like a few french fries with my burritos every now then and again. I just wish that they’d make them HOW taste more like potatoes, that’s all. EST Hon. Jerry Brown, Governor of the State of Confusion. Along with my stand on nuclear power, I promise that if I am nominated to be the Democratic candidate for the office of President of the United States of America and elected to that high office, that I will do LEADS all that is in my power as the leader of this, the greatest nation on earth, to... Er, what was the question again? TO Cruisin’ Bob Snooze Derry Bowles, Chief of Police, UCSB. I don’t know about “rights.” But I will tell you that Chooses EST we are engaged in a low-profile surveillance of these potatoes, as well as other groups that present a possible danger to the UCSB campus. We don’t want to T H E L R D P deny any vegetable their right to protest, but our main concern is to protect the State’s property at all costs.

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