by DEE CEITFUL founding fathers didn’t even mention the potatoe.” Throughout history the world The Potato Rights Movement Idaho governor Clarence has seen many groups suffer from Spud peal commented, “ We owe a needless persecution and torment. lot to our little brown friends, the Fortunately, social change, albeit potatoes. Why without the potatoe, slow at times, has occurred and The Struggle for Equality we’d all have to eat brocoli and many of these persecuted groups against all local establishments symbolic ‘bag-burning,’ where the to protect America’s vital interest other squirmy green things. ” now have an equal role and plaee dealing in, what the leader of the members of F.E.V. will burn at all costs,” Schmidt stated. in our culture. However, per­ group, Hawkeye au Gratin, termed hundred of potatoe sacks. “ We feel According to Vinnie Shwaw, co­ According to Tatertot, the cruel secution and exploitation is still as “vegetable slave tradë.” Au like these activities will serve to ordinator of the American Potatoe treatment of potatoes and food in occurring for some groups with no Gratin stated, “ We’re damned fed- highten public awareness,” said Anti-defimation League, the general exists here on the UCSB end in sight. One of the worst up with being forced to live in Louie Tatertot of the Free Starch biggest problem facing the potatoe campus at the University Center examples of this mistreatment of a cramped cellophane bags and committee. in America is the predjudice that cafeteria. “ At first we thought that minority group is the daily abuse getting deep-fat fried all the time.” Although Tatertot was optimistic most humans feel towards the the UCen french fries weren’t that potatoes are forced to endure. The campaign has been un­ about the outcome of the new potatoe. “ Most people believe the really potatoes. Afterall, they don’t According to Sammy Spud, derway for some two‘months now campaign, he does not feel that stereotype that potatoes are look or smell like potatoes, and spokespotatoe for the newfy and au Gratin feels that people are there is an end in sight for the second class citizens. They think they certainly don't taste like founded Freedom and Equality for really beginning to notice the problems faced by potatoes. that we’re dirty and hang around potatoes. But we found out that Vegetables committee, or F.E.V. groups efforts. “ Just yesterday, “ Sure, we’ve come a long way, but in gangs or bunchs. They see us they actually do use real potatoes as they are called, stated that, we raided MacDonalds and held when you consider the huge just lying around in supermarkets and not the left-over styrofoam “ Without a doubt, we brown .dirt seventeen Big Macs hostage untill numbers of my fellow potatoes that and they think we’re lazy. All this plates and cups like we once vegetables are the most misun­ the Quarter Pounders agreed to are boiled alone every year,well, it is just sprouts as far as I ’m con­ thought. Our next move will be a derstood and persecuted minority meet with us and discuss our just brings a tear to my eyes.” cerned." Schwaw explained that raid on the UCen. Our tentative in the world today.” demands,” au Gratin stated. According to Spud and others, most potatoes try to lead normal plan is to liberate our comrades Groups like F.E.V. are working However,' a spokesperson for the United States Army .is one of lives but often find it difficult in and then find Lorden ( the former to change the current situation and MacDonalds Reataurants Inc. at a the largest “ killers" of potatoes. America where they are laughed UCen director) and attempt to better life for all potatoes. “ Right later press conference stated, “ We “ Just think about how many in­ at or simply eaten. “ We’re fed-up break his hair with high powered now, our main goal is education. will not deal with these mindless nocent young vegetables are sent with the stupid ethnic jokes like explosives.” We feel that if we can just teach terrorist spuds. Thank God that off to Army kitchens and are never “ look, it’s Mister Potatoe-head,” people about society ’s treatment of none of our burgers were hurt, but seen again. I don’t know for sure, or “ Hey you, starch-face,” but the Tatertot explained that many the potato then the conditions that we did loose a triple thick shake. ’ ’ but I’ve been told that they have ones that cook me are when people felt the P.L.F. actions are ex­ we are force to live under can’t Spud and other members feel there skins ripped-off and then are say,“ I ’d punch you in the eyes, but cessively drastic, but he explained, help ' but improve," Mr. Spud that terrorist activities may be boiled and mashed. This kind of stated. I only have two hands,” or “ What “ Sure, we break laws and take hurting the movement. "W e don’t vegocide has just got to be stop­ did one potatoe say to the other? drastic actions, but what about the F.E.V. and other so-called want to hurt anyone, we just want ped." Nothing, potatoes can’t talk.” thousands of our brothers that are vegetable liberation what is rightfully ours," he said. Major General Arnold "Bull" We re just trying to tell people that being turned into those un-Godly, oraganizations feel that the main Spud assured that the new cam­ Schmidt of the U.S. Army’s we don’t think these jokes ihe putred french fries? We have to act problem is not the actual abuse, paign to increase public awareness quartermaster's corps stated funny anymore.” now.’” but is the apathy that most people about the plight of the potatoe was "Sure, we feed our boys spuds. So Schwaw also believes that the Whatever the means, one fact fe e l. towards the potatoe. "If going to be nothing more than what? If you ask me this potatoe potatoe is considered an in­ remains crystal clear, the myth of humans would just remember that peaceful. "Sure we,’ve got some uprising is nothing short of a tellectual inferior. “ People think the famous American “ steak and we spuds have feelings to then I hot-potatoes in our group that want socialist commie revolution. I say we're stupid. How many times potatoes” meal must be changed if feel like things will change. People action, but I feel that we can keep all potatoes should be mashed or have you heard the expression we are to avoid the potatoe take us for granted." Spud con­ them in line." fried." Although Schmidt would ‘small potatoes?’ Its just not fair uprising that we are rapidly ap­ cluded. The theme of the new F.E.V. not officially comment on the but its always been that way. The proaching. As Tatertot put it To combat this apathy, a local campaign will be ‘Think before you possibility of using tactical nuclear Declaration of Independence “ Something has got to give or I group, calling themselves The mash.’ The campaign will involve weapons in the face of a massive states clearly, "W e hold these think that a lot of innocent people Potatoe Liberation Front, has seminars, lectures and a fun­ potatoe uprising, he did not entiely truths to be self-evident, that all and potatoes alike are going to end­ launched a terrorist campaign draising dance, culminating in a rule out the possibility. “ We have men are created equal .” The up getting shoe-stringed.” PAGES DAILY BOGUS WEDNESDA Y, MARCH 12. 1980 CLOG & SHOE SALE Closeout Styles 1/2 off All Other Shoes and Clogs U l E G L S . . . 10% off — HOUSE OF HOLLAND — How do you feel about the potato-rights movement? Studio 17 — 19 El Paseo — Santa Barbara 962 3511 (Across from City Hall) Marty Cusack, ASUCSB President. Yeah. I think it’s really a problem, especially those UCen french fries. I mean, how long will this kind of thing continue? It seems to me like a clear case of a BirkenstodC violation of basic constitutional rights. Vegetable THESANDAL THAI Council recently issued a proclamation voicing our MOLDS TO YOUR K ET unanimous support for the rights of all potatoes. 962-9478

Let your feet make a place for themselves. LOCATED IN MCADILLY SQUARE 813 STATE ST. • DOWNTOWN Robert A. Huttenback, Chancellor UCSB. Potatoes? They serve those at the UCen, right? Well, I don’t see anything wrong with potatoes. As a matter of fact, I like a few french fries with my burritos every now then and again. I just wish that they’d make them HOW taste more like potatoes, that’s all.

EST Hon. Jerry Brown, Governor of the State of Confusion. Along with my stand on nuclear power, I promise that if I am nominated to be the Democratic candidate for the office of President of the United States of America and elected to that high office, that I will do LEADS all that is in my power as the leader of this, the greatest nation on earth, to... Er, what was the question again? TO Cruisin’ Bob Snooze Derry Bowles, Chief of Police, UCSB. I don’t know about “rights.” But I will tell you that Chooses EST we are engaged in a low-profile surveillance of these potatoes, as well as other groups that present a possible danger to the UCSB campus. We don’t want to T H E L R D P deny any vegetable their right to protest, but our main concern is to protect the State’s property at all costs. If there is some sort of trouble, w e’ll be ready for them.

David Saxon, President of the University of California. Five years ago I was uninvolved in As president of the University, I feel that it should be University politics. one of our main goals to assimilate all potatoes into the But huge “melting pot of peoples” that comprise this great Even though I had a comfortable salary and institution. Although we do own some stock in the state I was unaware of the student housing problem of Idaho, I don’t feel that divestment would be And mutually beneficial. As of now, I do not feel that I liked West Campus the way it was and seyering our ties with the so-called “potato labs” is in Even though I had never heard of marty Whozat the national interest, either. I still wasnot happy.

Then I went to EST.

Now I am an administrative lackey. I have prepared a Lower Regional Disruptive Report. I am Vernon I. Cheadle, Chancelor Emeritus, UCSB. Choosing to look out for Number 1 What makes you think that a campus newspaper has Because the Cap'n. said it was me or them. complete freedom of the press? EST has led me to the LRDP

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By MICHEL TOGUCHEVSKI claimed this problem would not The Registration Fee Advisory arise because Bloebuck would Committee approved the sale of maintain the bookstore and UCens I and II to Sears Bloebuck probably sell books at a discount and Company yesterday in order to rate. recover the huge debt incurred in He added that connoisseurs of the the construction of the expanded over-priced UCen burrito would facility. also not be dissappointed because According to several officials it Bloebuck and Co. intend to was the only action which could be maintain the UCen food service. taken to finish building UCen II by “ They know a profit-making the time the current freshman venture when they see shit,” class graduates. “ It was the only Mayhem declared. action we could take to finish Mayhem has been leading the building UCen II by the time the fight to “ do something about the current freshman class UCen” since he began his career at graduates," said Chris the bookstore several years ago. Quaaludeman, Reg Fee Chair. Claiming that the UCen directors Sale of the controversial mega­ “ don’t know their ass from a hole building was completed by Brain in the ground,” Mayhem has UCen II was recently sold to Sears Bloebuck and Company for use as a department Mayhem, aging campus rabble- (Please turn to p.14, col.l) store. This pavillion will be converted into a disco. rouser and former bookstore czar, who had been attempting to “ burn the damn building to the ground” but decided that the sale was eminently more practical. Students For War Now Create Rally To Bloebuck will assume care of the UCen within the next month and has plans to turn it into a large Call for Destruction o f Oppressed Nations department store, complete with hardware section and household goods. The UCen II Pavillion will By ZIPPY the PINHEAD Gunn called for “ a beginning of the asking the university to call for the situation of total world peace and be turned into a disco, while plans Calling for “ thé complete and end of Third World oppression. We complete and total escalation of harmony. for the would-be theater will be total annihialation of all Third are being backed up against a wall the arms race in any way “ Can you imagine how bad that dropped because Bloebuck and Co. World countries in order to re­ to a point where we have to agree possible,” according to the group’s would make us look. Spending all did not want to pay for sloping the establish our international to their demands or facé self- director, Bob Newton. that money on defense when we floor. authority,” the Students for War destruction.” “ This would include persistent could have bought useful things Students have complained that Now held a raily in Storke Plaza Following the rally, the par­ continuation of all research at both like inflatable Barbie dolls or the sale of the building could result - yesterday afternoon. ticipants marched on the ad­ the Livermore and Los Alamos mashed potatoes,” he said. in their not being able to buy books Speaking to a gathering of five ministration building “ in order to weapons labs. We want to let the Rear Admiral Ben Dover joined at the bookstore, but Mayhem students, group member Tommy demonstrate our solidarity in administration know that we’re Gunn in saying “ what we need now behind the research going on there

PARIS—Muhammad Ali announced his plans to fight the SACRAMENTO—The director of the state energy com­ PHILADELPHIA—Mayor Joe Rizzo today appointed the Eiffel Tower next month in a press conference yesterday. mission today released a plan to bum fat people as a late Carmen Gilante as his administrator of foreign af­ Ali, two time world heavyweight champion, said “ he may method of increasing California's energy supply for the fairs. Gilante is expected to be able to use his diplomatic be high, but I will not cry; As I said. I’ll never crawl, the '80s. According to Russ Schweikert's proposal, any experience in high level talks with such foreign bigger they are the harder they fall.” The tower out­ Californian weighing over 250 lbs. would be eligible for the dignitaries as Generalissimo Francisco Franco and Mao weighs Ali by almost 75000 pounds. program, which will be tested in three cities. Los Angeles. Tse Tsung. Gilante was shot down in a cafe in New York San Francisco, and Davis, this summer. “The program last year. MOSCOW—Soviet official news agency Tass today has a lot of potential." stated the director, "besides giving revealed that the invasion of Afghanistan was just a us more energy the program will help curtail rising food HARRISBURG—Officials of Metropolitan Edison, the training exercise for Soviet athletes preparing for the costs and the overpopulation problem. I think that this will operators of Three Mile Island, today announced a plan to Olympic Games this summer. Tass quoted near-dead prove to be a viable energy source because cellulite is ten convert their disabled reactor into a huge amusement premier Eyelid Brushoff as claiming that “ armed in­ times as efficient as petroleum. ’' park serving the entire state of Pennsylvania. Features of the new park, designed by Walt Disney Associates, in­ vasion" will be added as an Olympic sport in “ the near ENSENADA—Rebel Mexican insurgents today stormed clude a Death Tunnel where patrons will be bombarded by future, and we just want to be ready." this border town of 15,000. Jose Lopez Portillo de Tequila high level radioactivity as they pass through the reactor’s LONDON—Former Bogus staff member Richard Manzana Estudillo y Frites de Huevos. the leader of the damaged core at high speeds and an attraction labeled Boringstein was arrested yesterday when he assaulted a band, called for “the immediate release of all our brother ‘Waste Mountain’ which will offer a free hot dog at British pub owner who called him “ a frustrated Yankee farmworkers who are being kidnapped and brought into Casper's to anyone able to climb the mound of plutonium jock." The American escaped imprisonment, however, by your country unwillingly and with the aid of your customs and uranium tailings. NRC officials have given the go talking about UCSB’s athletic prowess and putting his officials." from his stronghold at the Ensenada Town ahead, as long as Met Ed can find a suitable and willing Hall. President Carter, in an attempt- to avoid an in­ insurance carrier. captors to sleep. ternational incident, gave the border town to the Mexican WARSAW—The International Academy of Comedians government in exchange for the Yucatan Peninsula. HONOLULU—President Carter today declared the state of Hawaii a federal disaster area after the islands of today announced that Iranians would replace Pollacks as the brunts of all jokes. “ How many Iranians does it take to SAN FRANCISCO—Mayor Diane Feinstein said today Kauai and Maui disappeared from the chain. No ex­ make a decision?” conference chairman Ima Phunnie that "nothing has happened here and I doubt anything will planation has been given for the strange disappearances. asked with a smile. Or, "Why do Iranians have bladder occur in the near future." NEW YORK—A Pan American Airways jetliner en route problems? Because they only go when Khomeini tells ISLA VISTA—Mark “ strings" McGinley, of the world- from New York to Hawaii reported sighting a large them to ” . Iranian officials called the conference “ a famous local band Redrock, said yesterday that the group glowing object towing two large islands and heading east. puppet of the U.S. and the Shah." is “ definitely not” planning a world tour, as was reported The sightings occured at 25,000 feet and have been at­ in last month’s edition of Crud magazine. “ We’re not even tributed to crew fatigue. ready for the Torres Room." McGinley said, before breaking all the strings on his guitar. TEHRAN—Sources close to president Gotzbadech SKUNK’S BREATH, IOWA—Ronald Reagan caused a revealed that the Iranian army would take charge of the brief stir yesterday when, in response to a reporter's UCSB—Campus officials here yesterday termed Americans being held at the U.S. Embassy this week. question about Reagan’s favorite flavor of Kool-aid. he “ ridiculous" charges by a coalition of normal students When asked if they had finally given in to the pressure one stated “ I think that the American people are tired of this that the highly-respected campus newspaper, the Daily militant replied, “ Of course not. but finals are coming Democracy crap. I think we should replace the whole Nexus, was planning to print a bogus issue that would be up." In related news the U.N. delegation investigating business by a feudal system, with just a few land-barons “ gross, libelous, in poor taste and generally not very crimes against the Iranian people was today given a tour to oversee the thing." When an outcry developed over the nice." Said Chancellor Robert "Cap’nBob" Huttenback, of a Savak interrogation facility and a MacDonald's in spelling of "feudal.” Reagan backed down slightly and “ I think that if you look at the crap they turn out every Downtown Tehran. said "what I meant was, let’s have a feudal system and day, the idea of them doing anything worse is a bit silly. pay the serfs MINIMUM WAGE.” Several reporters said Besides, I heard they were putting me on a trading card. "oh" after he clarified his remark. El Salvador—El Salvadorian terrorists have called for Mickey Mouse to be the negotiator in the recent capture of SACRAMENTO-Howard Jarvis, grand old man of the BOISE—Potato farmers in this midwestern city ex­ international diplomats. “ We feel tha.t Mickey represents insane proposition, will introduce yet another initiative pressed outrage at the Daily Bogus for “ belittling and our best national interest, and besides, he has a nice for the 1980 ballot. Imaginatively titled "Jarvis III," the hindering the equal rights for potatos movement. “ One nose." International diplomats and negotiators were at a legislation will wipe out all forms of government in the vegetable, one vote; that’s all we want," a representative loss to explain this decision. state and replace them with a dictatorship. claimed.

★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★ WEATHER: Heavy meteoric storms continuing through * * today. Intense radiation around noon, clearing tonight. * ♦ ¥ BOGUS ♦ Flooding to continued through the weekend; otherwise ¥ * fair. ¥ * ¥ HAIR * ¥ * • ¥ DESIGN * ¥ * IKI©§IKIC§IKir ¥ Specializing in oui patented B0L0" ‘ 4 ¥ cul It's the latest in easy-care hairstyles lor 4 UC’SB WITCHCRAFT CLUB: Lecture — The Witch and Warlock on ¥ ¥ ♦ Madison Avenue. Remember to bring eye of newt and hair of bat ¥ * homework assignments. ¥ * BLEECHA HALL (SAN RAFAEL): Film; “ Penicillin: Tool for * •it Peace,” starring the 33rd Airborne Division, USAF. Second Feature, ¥ 4 ¥ * “ Our Friends the Funguses." Chem 1179 6:30, 8:45 and 11 p.m. Ad­ ¥ * mission $1.50. ¥ * COALITION TO STOP THE KNACK: General assembly — everyone ¥ * is a member! Please attend — or it might be too late! 3-5 p.m., UCen ¥ * ¥ * 2253. ¥ * STUDENTS FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF FREE AND SPON­ ¥ * TANEOUS SEX: Initial meeting, please bring own butter (Squeeze ¥ * Parkay is best) and towels to clean up afterwards., 3 a.m.. Pilot ¥ If you act now. we will give you a coupon * House Motel. ¥ entitling you to one free shave after your * * CITIZENS FOR A RzXDIOACTI VE FUTURE: Benefit irradiation for ¥ "BOLO"- cut ¥ * new members — come on, light up your life! Chem 1179. 109 Embarcadero del Sue no * ¥ JERRY CORNFIELD GROUPIE CLUB: Jerry Cornfield, founder, ¥ Isla Vista * president, secretary, inspiration and political lobbyist for JCGC will ¥ 961-2691 * ¥ * speak on the topic of "Why All the Women Love Me." An autograph ★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★★ session will follow. ORGANIZATION OF MARTIAN STUDENTS: Guest Lecturer: Nioskkk Glxnccceu. on "Will Santa Barbara be a good place to start r a galactic invasion?" Freon will be served. Texas Instruments ISLA VISTA GRODERS COUNCIL: Meeting in Yoko Ono Park to discuss "What Does the Future Hold for UCSB Graduates (Class of ’64) Who Never Left Isla Vista?" and "What Effect Does the Daily Slimlne 35 Combination of Beer, Drugs and Isla Vista Have on a Person's Sanity After 20 Years?" economical scientific calculator UCSB DAILY NEXUS LECTURE SERIES: Alcohol and its place for students one) professionals...with beside the American journalist. Refreshments will be served before, during and after. 2 p.m., Storke Library. Constant memory™ feature FUTURE HOTEL MANAGERS CLUB: Discussion on best methods of using sanitary paper toilet covers. Also, organization of next Constant memory feature retains data $ # ^ 4 9 5 week’s trip to the Hollister Inn. stored in memory even when the calcu- * £ | VEGETATIVE COUNCIL: Meeting to discuss new Veg CouptUi lator is turned off. 54 functions handle chambers, movies showing on campus which deserve to be censored a wide range of problems, from algebra and trigo­ and the latest in the series of discussions on the UCSB administration nometry to statistics. Easy-to-read liquid crystal entitled, “ Tricky Bob and the Gang." display and extended battery life. Plus compact slim DEAD PEOPLES UNION: Lecture. “ The dead andv their uses styling. around the house." All dead people are requested to attend. WOMEN AGAINST JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING: Meeting to We carry the complete line of Texas In­ n p discuss what to oppose next, and review of last week's opposition of struments calculators and accessories. Plus c d men, sexism, movies, free speech and language. Women’s Center, 2 digital watches, electronic thermostats, Personal Electronics D Division of p.m. language translators, memory telephones, Quality Products of Santa Barbara KCSB: Listen to “ The Joys of Static" with Rob Palmer every home computers, electronic learning aids...all 5276 Hollister Avenue, No. 157 Saturday evening from 6-8 p.m. the latest in electronics for your personal, pro­ Santa Barbara, CA 93111 FRIENDS OF LIVER: Discussion on how liver has been maligned fessional and recreational needs. Visit our (805) 967-7100 sales office and pick up a copy of our latest through the ages. Everyone who likes liver is welcome, 10 a.m., Upstairs, facing the ocean. catalog. UCen Cafeteria. VISA, BankAmericard, Master Charge ' WEDNESDAY. MARCH 12. 1980 DAILY BOGUS M f lF I For instance, there’s one for a Bowe/man Moves to broken leg. “ Say a student breaks his leg. All Book Sale. he has to do is find a phone, call Cut Center's Hours Tel-Med, and listen to a tape ISLd V IS T « cover outlining treatment. The tape will BOOKSTore orice By BOB C. TWINS got a sports medicine clinic, free tell him not to move his leg, (ex­ 5 0 %off “ Budgetary woes” have resulted dental plaque services and a walk- cept to push the bones back into Come join us at our extraordinary in further cutbacks in operating in cold clinic where students can place), take plenty of aspirin and hours for the UCSB Student Health take their own temperatures and remain in bed for at least three Cejiter, according to Health Center sometimes get free aspirin. weeks. This is the same quality1 Quality Paperback Director Dr. James Bowelman. “ Even though our hours have treatment they would received had Although new hours for the been somewhat reduced, students the Health Center been open,” student health facility have not yet will still receive expanded ser­ Bowelman pointed out. BOOK SALE been determined, Bowelman vices,” Bowelman assured. An additional service to be made (special purchase . . . stated that the center will be open New services proposed for the possible through the cutting of the these are not used books) for 25 minutes each weekday Health Center include a Herpes Health Center’s hours is a birth morning and 45 minutes each Hotline, an indigestion clinic for control line. Similar to the bread Outstanding current and back list titles 6 5 5 3 PARDALL RD weekday afternoon. In addition, dorm residents and a pregnancy lines of the Depression era, the America's leading publishers. Bowelman expressed hope that testing by phone (you call up, tell birth control line will provide “ we may be able to open up for 20 your symptoms to a tape recorder students with an opportunity to 968-3600 minutes every third Saturday, and SHS Officials will call you back stop by the Health Center and pick except during the rainy .season.” and tell you whether you sound up their favorite form of birth y eeeeeeaeeeeaeeeee#eieaeeaaeeeeeeeeeessse— eojt Bowelman justified the reduc­ pregnant). control without having to go tion in hours as “ a more effective For serious injuries, Bowelman through an exam. SPECIAL UCSB OFFER ? usé of the students’ money. It is explained that students will be “We are particularly excited comparable to last year, when we encouraged to utilize an expanded about the vend-a-phragm. You just A A Ô H ot Fud9® t axfed 19 nurses and shined on the Tel-Med service. “We have or­ plunk in a quarter, push a few H H v p n Fra*'ne Carmel bed patient clinic. From that, we dered a whole new series of tapes. buttons... and boom! The student is Ö O /.ll?.)¿üczk Hot Butterscotch 80 percent pregnancy-free. Provided, of course, that she Engineer Leaks UCen's Nuclear Plans doesn’t leave it the drawer. Medical studies have proven that By SANDY BEACH will all be very safe, nobody will diaphragms are considerably less Plans were announced today to even be allowed to touch it with effective when they are not used,” . 1 rag. 41.40 with this coupon set up a group of high powered their hands—they must wear Bowelman poted. nuclear reactors within the new gloves! ” Powerlez emphasized. Every Friday afternoon, a Free Hot Sundaes UCen II pavilion, according to There has been no official For All will co-sponsored by the Albert Powerlez, nuclear engineer statement from the farm project, CCC, or Creative Contraceptive for Cold Months arid part-time cafeteria worker. Clinic and Dr. Stanley Inbalm of but one member reportedly stated, 2 scoops - any topping The idea for the reactors came “ just what we want...46 foot tall the Aware Fam ily Planning from Chancellor Robert Hut- corn that glows in the dark.” Group. According to Inbalm, the whipped cream nuts 8 cherry teriback, when major financial Tom O’Hawk, ECen director idea behind this clinic is to prevent Good Mar. 12-21 • Good only at Goleta store problems began to develop over applauded the move and felt that those "weekend pregnancies that 5749 Calle Real. Goleta thé building of the events center. the building would be suited for just seem to spring up out of “ We had to do something to pay further development of dangerous nowhere.” Students will be treated the bills around here,” Huttenback cancer causing energy and to free lessons in fertility deter­ BASKIN-ROBBINS explained, “ and nobody else chemical production. mination, oral contraceptive in­ wanted to build the stupid thing — “ It’s great, just great. We’ll sertion and do-it-yourself knee ICE CREAM STORE so we took it.” make a mint off of this thing. And examinations. According to Powerlez, the who knows, before too long maybe Perhaps the greatest student reactors will be 10,000 megaton we’ll just have the companies and service to be provided as a result of core-type reactors, producing no students,” he said, adding that the Health Center cutbacks, ac­ enough electricity to power Los “ it will be a great place for the cording to Bowelman, will be a Angeles until, in Powerlez’s words, sequel to The China Syndrome.” CSO escort service to Goleta HUSBAND “ the disco fad fades completely The reactor, which has been Valley General Hospital, “ for away.” He was quick to point oiil tentatively named “ Rancho Pepsi” those emergencies when Tel-Med that “ the reactor will be totally will have over 200 workers and a just won’t do.” safe, the only thing that might be a security force of approximately - “ We understand that for certain WANTED problem is the floor of the events 1,500. “ Of course we will have to problems — when a student needs ♦ ♦ * * * * 4MMM» center will have to be about 4000 keep everybody out of the area, an appendectomy, for instance, Expand your intellectual, social and sexual horizons by meeting our client, degrees farenheit.” say two or three miles, for security (Please turn to p. 2 1, col.3) one of the nation's most successful campus newspaper editors. She is an Huttenback said that this should reasons,” Powerlez outlined, “ but gifted writer and has been responsible for some of the most outrageous not be a major problem, but more if they want to see a game, then LUNCH SPECIAL material ever seen in print. Our client is the daughter of a wealthy Jewish of a minor inconvenience. “ People maybe we’ll think about letting businessman with interests in over 20 states and is well-known for her will just have to walk more quickly them in.” PESALA beneficence with moola. When she reaches 24, she will be worth over $3 — it will cut down on the loitering In honor of the event Huttenback 3 million. in there.” announced a new feature at the Smorgasboard Disposal of the wastes from the UCen cafeteria, “ The Silkwood plus tax Are you cute? Do you have a face like Robert Redford, an ass like Jackson reactor have been scheduled to be Burrito.” “ It will have a half life of Browne and the intellect of Bruce Springsteen? Are you interesting? Do you taken and put in the area now used about three days in your Monday thru Friday like concerts? Drugs? Sex? What are your goals in life? Are you interested in by the Isla Vista Farm Project. “ It stomach,” he explained. 11:30-1:30 being kept? Have you seen American Gigolo? If you can answer yes to any of the above questions, then you may be just the man our client is looking for. Please write and enclose your college transcripts, an eight-by-ten glossy and your vital statistics. Your application will be read in strictest confidence and HERE COMES will be read only by our client."? Send to this address: Promised Land Ad­ THE SUN! vertising Agency, P.O. Box 69, Skunks Breath, Iowa, 00006 ★★★★★★★★★★A* Sunny Terries . . . great for arm•Stmb.MNoiu.I.V.HMIM ni m in liBii in m in fT! jogging or tennis! Assorted colors, S.M.L. One or two I piece outfits. I SUN MON TUES/WED THURS/FRI/SAT ■ - M3. I 1 Rockabilly Rhythm DovMa intimate Apparel 1303 State Street I 6-7-8 Rockabilly 2 Auditions 3 Santa Ross 4-5 Sling Shot Rhythm Davils I 13-14-15 RocfcabHIy 9 Auditions 10 Santa Rota 11-12 Sling Shot I Rhythm Davils 16 Auditions 17 Santa Rota I 18-19 Sling Shot 20-21-22 Calico EAmy coeui I 23 Auditions 24 Santa Rosa 25-26 Sling Shot 27-28-29 Calico Michel Togucnevski Bozo-in-Chief I 30 Auditions 31 Santa Roaa Karlin Thrillington Tracy Strublonski L Retiring Manging Editor Propaganda Editor Jerry Cornflake Meg McCandmore t Opinionated Editor Copy Edirot s Celly Kathy Hennis Derman Veg Editor Managing Editor-to-be l A Opinions expressed are the individual writer’s and none others. o ï ® 2 f a W '* w Cartoons represent the opinions of the individuals whose names appear thereon. Editorials represent a consensus viewpoint of the Daily Nexus Editorial Board. All items submitted for publication n become the property of the Daily Nexus. X %

Th« Daily Nexus -is published by the Press Council and partially funded through the Associated Students of the University of California^Santa Barbara. Monday through Friday during the regular college year (except examination periods) and weekly during the summer session. Second Class Postage paid at Santa Barbara. CA and additional mailing offices. Post STEAKS, BURGERS Office Publication No. USPS 775-300. Mail subscription price: $12.50 per year or $5 per quarter, payable to the Daily Nexus, TEXAS FRIES AND Thomas M. Storke Student Communications Building. P.O. Box 13402, UCSB, Santa Bar­ bara. CA 93107. Editoral Offices: 1035 Storke Bldg., Phone 961-2691. FROZEN MARGARITAS Advertising Offices: 1041 Storke Bldg., Phone 961-3829. Jeff Spector, Advertising Manager. 4223 STATE 964-0561 & S A 1 0 0 ^ Printed by the Qoleta Valley News. » no')7 HAPPY HOUR...... M - F 4:30 -6 :3 0 . .COMPLIMENTARY HORS D’OEUVRES PAGE 6 DAILY BOGUS W EDNESDA Y, M A R C H 12. 1980

' ------\ More Nonsense Eight-tracks, Dilly Dally; We re against everything, man. There isn’t a single thing in this whole stinking commodity-worshipping degenerate exploitative society that we can condone. We’re out to get your car, your stereo, and your stash, man. Because all those sickening grotesque socially functionless things really belong to the People, you know? I mean, we had a beer with the People just the other day, and like, they told us so, Nuke the Whales man. We’re out to build a new society, man, and you bet your ass you In these days of troubled times and However, there is an alternative! A better listen to US, because WE’RE THE ONLY ONES WHO KNOW WHAT If you don’t get with the program, and difficult decisions facing us one and all, IT WILL BE LIKE! synthesis of the more prominent features quick, man, we’re gonna purge your reactionary ass. all the time, we, the studentry of this, our of new-wave rock’n’roll and the best The Evolutionary Communications-Use Brigade Unifactory, need an issue we can unite traditions of theatre of the absurd can Devereux beach, behind. Some of us would oppose the show us the way. Just a few miles up the Isla Vista, draft, some of us would close the window. coast we have a functional nuclear power The People’s Republic of California Some of us would fight sexism, some of us plant. In our own harbor there are want to wait until we’ve had our share. several sea-going yachts which could be Some of us are opposed to nuclear power, easily hijacked. Put these two together Class Revolted some of us don’t know what it is. From and we have the answer to our protest Editor, Daily Bourgeois; presidential campaigns to a general problems. A determined cadre of Yeah; you punks think yer so hot, well wait until you have to deal with the world. All this idealistic horse manure is going to fade- overdose of bad vibrations the issues studentoids should find it simple to steal real out pretty damn quick when you haveta start pounding the streets to confronting today’s enlightened enough fissionable material to construct get a job, and Daddy ain't payin' fer all that cocaine and rock’n'roll no .studentry are, well, confusing. What we a crude but effective nuclear weapon. more. need is a way to demonstrate our feelings By showing how relatively easy it is to After a couple of years of living for a paycheck and the weekend all in such a way that the whole world will obtain such materials we would be that environmental consciousness and awareness of the needs of the have to pay attention to us. poor and minorities is gonna seem pretty goddam unrealistic. protesting nuclear technology. By And you'll be wonderin’ where yer gonna get the money to have yer Are we going to be satisfied with a few terrifying the people of the world with a kids’ teeth straightened, and how yer gonna pay yer taxes and a new paltry lines in the local papers? Or do we nuclear device we could point out the evil car and the super-bowl will be the high points in yer existence. And want to paralyze the global-village with and scary nature of war. And by choosing then pretty soon yer own kids'll be growin’ up and feedin’ you the same the strength of our protests? What we as our victims our defenseless vegetarian kinda bullshit you've been handin' out. And they’ll think yer a buncha need to do is unite behind a revolutionary narrow-minded old farts, and they'll probably all be fags who wanta cetacean brethren we could call attention get high by puttin’ straight AC current in their brains. Then where will program of symbolic dissent which will to the plight of our free-swimming fellow you be? compel the world to pay attention to us. earthlings. I ’ll tell you where, you’ll be almost dead, that’s where. We could burn down banks, but it’s Nuke the whales! We can do it! We And then pretty soon you will be dead, and no one Will give a shit. So already been done. We could chain should do it! It needs to be done! And there. Sincerely; ourselves to bus axles, or lie down on the what other single protest would call as The Working Class runways at the airport, but these are much attention to our pitiful conditions as short-term tactics likely to get us a 30- oppressed ghetto-ized student- second spot on the evening news and not Americans? Nuke the whales! Let’s start much else. today! ______Poor Planning? Editor, Daily Bogus: Hey, you guys, what is this bull about the university being poor planners? Come on now, give us a break. Just because the UCen is a little over budget and may never open, just because we couldn’t get Social Commentaries our Lower Regional Disruptive Report past the State Regional Postal Commission doesn’t necessarily imply that we can’t adquately plan to lunch or anything, just a little meet the university’s needs. more protein! I know we’re having a little trouble with the sewage system for the Truly, new off-on-campus apartments but that should be solved soon. And Irritated The Coots Of even if it isn’t, students just don't have to flush their toliets until we c/o The Lagoon find an alternate sewage disposal system. So, come on guys, quit blasting us in your editorials; it makes us Coots Choice look bad and I for one know that I ’m a nice guy. Besides, look at it this Tubular way, you’ll all graduate soon and it will be somebody else’s problem. Most Sublime Bogoid; Sincerely, We’ve had enough. That is, we Bob Snooze, have had enough of not getting Drugs Bells Aministrative Lackey enough. You people owe us more than just an occasional taco-chip, Editrator, Daily Doodah; orange-rind or UCen tomato. We Editrix, Daily Bogus; Hey man, I mean, you ain’t want our share and we want it now. From where I sit the view is givin’ the People, you know, like I mean, who the hell do you think really fine. On a clear day I can see the rite kinda shit, you know? I fertilizes this scum-pond, anyway? forever. Earthquakes don’t scare mean, you know, you coulda Grand Opening If you left it up to the goddam me, and any light planes dumb soaked this rag in PCP at least, seagulls and mallards and storks enough to ignore my lights will man. You know? I mean, me’n’the come out on the short end of the guys’ve been smokin’ yer rag all this place would be a pit. Erdideditatoree, Bailey Dog-Nuts; argument. All in all it’s a good job. year an’ all we’ve gotten, you All we want is some recognition Yes! I will officially open! I don’t know when, but it must be soon! I But I want to get these bells out know, is, like, sore throats, man! for the years of work we’ve spent can feel it coming, yes, something good is coming, and I ’m It! Any day of my head. I get migraines like Assorted drunks and degenerates cleaning the bugs out of that big old now, Yessir! The “ Office” lawn below the faculty-club. It’s you Wouldn’t believe. UCen II not like we’re asking for catered Storke’s Last Erection Yoko Ono Park, Isla Vista A Message M m m From the Shah ÏWDO Editor, Daily Nexus; » £ v S f to w t h k t ’ I just wanted to let you know that I ’m / having a wonderful time, I have all the money I could ever ask for, my anti­ cancer treatments are coming right along, and so is my suntan. My wife, Farah-Fawcett Pahlavi looks foxier than ever in a bikini, and I don’t give a rat’s ass what happens to the hostages or that stinking country (which will remain un­ named) which I never intend to return to. You people can all suck rocks as far I’m concerned. I got mine. Nyah nyah nyah 1 m w W * $ Ex-Shah Reza Pahlavi Somewhere off the coast of Panama J h , m m p j

I'm ? WE ENCOURAGE YOUR LETTERS: Got something stupid you just have to get ADlUfiN off your chest?Then go ahead, write us; I1UM we don’t care. We may even run your % u tMCEKz ■■■— «...* letters if we get in the mood. Make sure all letters which come into the Bogus are at least triple -spaced, on an 80-00 space line and put your name on it, or else. W EDNESDA Y. M A R C H 12. 1980 DAILY BOGUS PAGE 7 UCSB PROFESSOR TRADING CARDS ALL NEW 1980-81 CARDS. COLLECT THEM, TRADE THEM, GET THEM ALL!

H AL DR AK E BRIAN BAKER EDWARD LOOMIS BOB HUTTENBACK ROBERT PRIGO

S.B. HISTORICAL^ UCSB FRENCHERS S.B. LITERARIANS MANAGER OF LEAGUE UCSB PHYSICISTS

Types: Right Can cans: Right Analyzes: Right Controls: Left Researches: Left Lectures: Right Gesticulates: Right Interjects: Left Administers: Right Experiments: Right

Drake has been a consistant Baker has proved valuable to English majors have made out Huttenback is one of the "Powerful Prigs" is one of the player during his career at his team because he can an issue in the fine performance veterans of the game. M s ex­ most brilliant and un­ UCSB. He is especially for- his opponents with le grand of Edward Loomis this season. pertise and know lege on the predictable on the Physicists. midible in his favorite position.V success* and they can’t un­ Word control and eloquent topic of the right professor for His uncanny knowledge of Roman History, in 1978, Drake derstand him. He makes a verbosity have been two traits the right position is almost directional velocities has gave three perfect lectures to* mean crepe and has an un­ that have made Loomis one of legendary. Voted ‘‘most enabled him to avoid impact help boost his team to first wavering eye for les bonnes the hottest draft picks on the valuable administrator’’ over with aerial projectiles launched place in his division. filles. His students admire him team. six times in a row, Huttenboek hy students. Prigo’s comments Students are impressed with for his care in teaching them In 1977 Loomis was injured by will have a chance to make the during a lecture have been Drake’s ability to make the practical conversational a mixed metaphor, causing him “ Professor Hail of Fam e” this clocked at over 79 mph. with long-haul. "Once I was all the French: slang and cuss words to miss most of the season. year. students often running far way in the back of Campbell necessary for survival on the Powerful wrist action in test In overall statistics, Hut­ cover. hall, and his ancedote still streets of Paris. In the off correction has also made tenback is soon approaching the Prigo was awarded last yew's reached me..,it was in­ season Baker can be found Loomis one of the quickest records of such figures as coveted "M a d Man of the credible," said one student. trying to recreate the opulence professors on the bases. Cheadle and Goods peed. ; Department” award. Drake likes to go fishing and of the court of Louis XVI in his In the off-season, Loomis In the off-season, Huttenback Prigtf enjoys to split atoms in decipher latin graffiti in the off Goleta apartment. likes to relax by making likes to dress up in Mao jackets. his spare time. season. television commercials YOU’VE SEEN BASEBALL TRADING CARDS, NOW A TOTALLY NEW CONCEPT: PROFESSOR TRADING CARDS. INCLUDED IN EACH PACK ARE PLAYERS FROM A WIDE VARIETY OF DEPARTMENTS, STANDINGS, AND GENERAL INFORMATION. FUN-FILLED, ACTION-PACKED, BUY SOME TODAY!

UCSB SILVER ANNIVERSARY PHOTO CONTEST In commemoration of the 25th anniversary of UCSB at its present location. The Silver Anniversary Committee is announcing a student photo contest. The theme is “ Jn a Nutshell.99 The winning photographs shall be those that pose a visually intriguing perspective of life as a UCSB student. PRIZES: DEADLINE: APRIL 30,1980 B&W COLOR Entry forms with rules and eligibility 1) 285 Vivitar 1) Kodak 760H may be obtained at: flash unity with Carousel slide 1) La Cumbre Office in Storke Plaza accessories projector or 2) Polaroid 2) Polaroid Pronto 2) National Photo Stores reporter instant sonar auto-focus f c camera instant camera F O R MORE INFORMATION 3) $50 worth 3) $50 worth CONTACT: photo processing photo processing Damon Judd at 968-6602,961-2386 or 964-3503 SPONSORED BY: NATIONAL PHOTO STORES & The Office of Public Events & Ceremonies

MONTECITO No. 1 NORTHSIDE S.B. No. 2 ISLA VISTA No. 3 (5 Points Center) 1266 Coast Village Rd. 3961 State St. 911 Embarcadero del Norte 969-6893 964-3503 685-4511

MILPAS AREA No. 4 DOWNTOW N S.B. No. 5 CARPINTERIA No. 6 326 N. Milpas St. 32 W. Anapamu 776 Linden Ave. 963-4379 963-8741 684-8733 PAG E 8 DAILY BOGUS

ROY SCHEIDERAIL am that ] L M T crazy II MW r i 1 1 ★ ★ ★ For Release rhythm MI IMINAII l> ron II A< Alii MY AWAMII'I II4« I III 'INI ______WEDNESDA Y. A in -.i ni mill mu 'il ai ion

James Caan Film Attrae Marsha Mason Chapter DEEP THROAT will be shown in Campbell Hall on March 11 at 8 p.m. Admission is $1.50. Tw o Santa Cruz dorm is showing DEEP THROAT to raise money. The ^ACADEMY AWARD NOMINEE FOR BEST ACTRESS film will be shown in Chemistry 1179 at 8 p.m. on March 11. A fun-loving farce about a girl with an unusual problem, DEEP W IN N E R O F 6 THROAT will be presented by the Roller Boogie Club. The film will 9 6 6 -9 )8 2 ACADEMY AWARDS! screen in Girvetz 1004 on March 11 at 8 p.m. Yív4rlingtai\ (enter” D a v id Lean s F ilm The A.S. Committee to Wipe Out Free Speech in Our Lifetime will M l7 S i»ir Street present a fund-raising evening of film entertainment by showing DEEP DOCTOR THROAT in the new UCen II on March 11 at 8 p.m. All precedes will be immediately lost in jungle of red tape and corruption. showtimes 7:30 Matinee Sat & Sun 1:00. 4:15 ZHIVAGO A film by Dave Dalton and Rob Palmer entitled NUDE INCESTUOUS TEENAGE ROLLER DISCO CHAINSAW FEUD ON THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE will be shown for about 20 seconds before it is shut down f w ï T > 45». Richard Gere by some moral fanatic. We can’t tell you when or where, so don’t ask. G#gofc> A Paramount Rclur* 1*9 Stage Every play ever written or alleged to have been written by Tours are now being given of the Leg C Shakespeare wll be presented simultaneously on the Main Stage in pletion in the lagoon. When complete, the Snidecor Hall. Admission for the media extravaganza will be courts, and a small film screening room, wl i o h n n r m a t 9ft.i-.1792 $25,000,876.78 (no checks, please), and the show will run the regular two anti-semetic, non-negative, non-oppressivi *1 MERO A T hours, except for A MIDSUMMER NIGHT’S DREAM, which takes dition, the building, jokingly called “ the I longer, and is harder to say correctly. Frog daquiris will be served at machine guns mounted at the entrance tok intermission, if you can figure out when intermission is above all the away. Tours run 9-5 daily and cost $1. Pro< • ■ ■ ■ I LARGE aoise. L Starring BERT CONVY United Artists Free Speech in Our Lifetime. %$ -* The Arts and leisure section is published every week during the school year, except when . . aam ^ A song that could break the editor has a headache or is throwing up. The editor encourages letters, especially those your heart is the story of her life. containing money or “ vitamins.” Send all correspondence to: The Daily Bogus mm P.O Box 1980 I 'IH',ESTA St ni i- SI reel 3«k«W>»* } / Skunk's Breath. Iowa 0 0 0 0 6 All letters should be triple spaced, typed, and it would be nice if they were in English, which means hardly any T.A.s can write in. but hey. so what? ISSYSn\C!EK TUMMY LEK JUNE*

*wy touching and wonderful ' 965-5792 W k VrlESTA4 J T

NOMINATED FOR 4 ACADEMY AWARDS. SALLY FIELD «J| I n c l u d in g b e s t p ic t u r e s b e s t a c t r e s s

ROBERT REDFORD JANE FO ND A THE ELECTRIC HORSEMAN, A COLUMBIA |ñ¡ UNIVERSAl RflFASfLÈÜ MIDNIGHT SPECIAL THE BEST CUL T MO VIE DUSTIN HOFFMAN 617 4936 OF THE DECADE! P L A Z A Da 0 * 0 y ¡ ¡ \ 349 South kKramer Hitchcock Way^

^ n o m in a t e d ! FOR 9 ACADEMY AWARDS. I P f l l tâS K ra m er L»NCMJDING BEST PICTURE 6 BEST ACTORj Sherry Hairy, star of the play through some particularly brutal l

>. Cruising for a killer... ALRACMO Great New Pl< CRUISING R a different set of jaws, Al Pacino it Cruising for a killer1 United Artists |Kj By AL ARMENIAN s 968-3356 Admission $2.00 “ Leg Council,!’ a new play being Magic Lantern presented by A.S. Nonsense, opened last ACADEMY AWARD 12:00 Midnight night in the UCen, and it’s great. This Nominee Best Actor Twin Theatre* F 969 tintare aéaro Del Nerte Fri b S a t only sucker is one of the funniest things I’ve .VKi/ __ Al seen in a long time. Superbly acted, it’s strictly laugh-a-minute as the play tum­ «^IN O bles along toward its inevitable con­ plu»: THE CHINA SYNDROME urms-m ______* Cotoni»» Pictoes Release «M&6IG clusion: the nuking of the lagoon. -.AKOCMT Basically, the plot concerns a group of LAUTEM Y' Repertory college students who, because they have THEATRE * been elected, more by not being voted PETER SELLERS FILM CLASSICS against rather than being voted for, seem SHIRLEY MacLAINE 960 EMBARCADERO DEL NORTE. BEING UPPER LEFT HAND CORNER OF4SLA VISTA

■ NOMINATED FOR 2 ACADEMY United Artists WEDNESDAY thru SATURDAY, lAWAROS, INCLUDING BEST ACTOR' THERE Ea Let the sun HAÍR 1:55 DRIVE-IN Tt DO NOT EAT. United Artists shine in! p í ; DOM DeLUISE I ANNE BANCROFT1 Fatso To m m y 7*0 Ä ) m

9 6 8 -3 3 5 6 M agic Lantern SUNDAY thru TUESDAY, T w in T h c A lre t [ •eo t.rbiK »di |9« i Norte WINNER! L A FILM CHITIC.S AWARD. W hoCatt Save BEST FOREIGN FILM" The Universe ? 1*5 ¿ • I B v S R ï v LIMITED ENGAGEMENT! Y Npip VMrtuDtifhuf'iMiMirHi \ “AMAXIURPIVAV.1.1..« Nutrì.. /•. V Opp*»Ml#fi|»M onto Note* \ m.,k. \...... ‘Jyinau ' Hfurr '"lus'Jmalrts OF THF G R L f ir y showtimes 7:00.9:25 nightly THE MAHR!AM: (M . 5 00. 7:15, 9 25 Sunday cyVlARlA'-HRAUiy VANESSA REDGRAVE in “ BLOW-UP” 7*0 DAILY BOGUS PAGE»

HAIRCARE PRODUCTS k p a ttiB JHIRMACK • ROFFLER • REDKIN e Pretty Soon ★ ★ ★ ESqyU «PERMS* DA Y. MARCH 12. 1980 ** GS) ■ •actions Music S J.ila V i‘¿ /a * HAIR DESIGNING FOR MEN AND WOMEN

THE ROLLING STONES will play Campbell Hall Tuesday, March 11 955'C E m h ARC ADEHO DtLMAR F o r A p p o i n t m e n t

at8p.m. Admission will be 50 cents. G o l e t a . C a P h o n e : 805*968-4415 A.S. Concerts will present THE WHO in the new UCen II on Tuesday, March 11 at 8 p.m. The Who had a hit single a few years ago, but nodody can remember what it Was. JIMI HENDRIX will raise himself from the dead to do an im­ personation of RANDY HANSEN. The concert will be Tuesday, March Your Local College 11 in Physics 1610. & Singles Pub The UCSB Music Department will present in Lotte Lehmann a man who produces musical notes by beating crustaceans with various « SHACK hammers. On Tuesday, March 11 at 8 p.m., he will present his most I ENTERTAIN MENT’MUSIC ’DANCING famous work, DEATH TO THE SHAH’S CRUSTACEANS. r * * * * ~ r * - A / / r & Art „ 7 7 /3 / f - . /AfAAGA/ /S S *-S f John P. Birdbrain will be showing his newest piece, LEISURE SUIT, at the Santa Barbara Museum of Modem Egomania. The work consists of 12,000 pictqres of Mr. Birdbrain in various poses. Critics have hailed \ Leg Council’s new chambers, now nearing com- it as a major breakthrough in something or other. te, the facility will have hot tubs, saunas, handball The UKen gallery will be exhibiting a lot of shit that no normal people ^Jbea/— jrep z jg # c > - >om, where non-sexist, non-racist, non-violent, non- can figure out starting today and running through April 19, 1997. Ad­ AK? - JBJ» C od ressive films (both of them) will be shown. In ad- mission is free if you say things like “ Wow, I can get behind the cosmic \ * “ the Palace” by Leg Council insiders, will have reality of what the artist was trying to say.” ice to keep the Council’s lesser-equal peers the hell A special, one-time-only exhibition of Beth McDonald’s KILLING ¡1. Proceeds go to the A.S. Committee to Wipe Out PUPPIES WITH FLAMETHROWERS will be presented by the artist in her backyard sometime this weekend. Hailed as a major Mc- r Breakthrough, the bloody art will be recorded on video-tape for posterity and for McEvidence for the D.A. A major breakthrough was hailed today as a major breakthrough. Film at 11.

TROPIC DRINKS-BREWS & ALES WINE COCKTAILS demand,” and get a laugh. Hairy prove with time or ego deflation. 5796 DAWSON • G O LE T A • 96 4*8 232 plays the evil witch Demento, who The only real bad part of the play tries to con the stupid villagers out was when, about halfway through, of their rights by telling them that the plot got very murky. I un­ she is a Leg Council member, and derstand the part about the Council i POOL & FREE SHUFFLEB0AR0. DARTS I COLOR TV ME I ! 0W ATMOSPHERE i CLUB FIREPLACE. TROPIC WATERFALL —• -HAfirrj-jotStìS^r.p/n ----- — — — ------therefore knows what is best for voting itself $10,000 raises, but I them. The scene where she became lost when some of the pretends to cry is especially funny, members voted to turn down funds as the audience knows by now that to the alternative newspaper, and she has no real emotions. then tried to pass a paper stating Kathy Linoleum is bright and their love of free speech. Also, it vapid as the fairy princess whose got kind of weird when the Council only answer to every dilemma is a attempted to raise money for the big, white smile. The scene where Women Against Everything That Students she says, smiling sweetly the Is, Was, Or Will Be Male Center by whole time, “ I want to rip your showing the underground cult lungs out with a pitchfork,” - is classic Nude Incestuous Teenage are spedai made very funny by this acting Roller Disco Chainsaw Feud On style. However, her performance the Starship Enterprise, a real-life was marred by the fact that late in film made by Dave Dalton and Rob the play her arm fell off, revealing Palmer a few years back. on Monday nights. her to be a plastic dummy. But by Still, everything worked out for this time, I was laughing too hard the best as the play ended and all to care. the men in the audience were Barbecued ribs, baked potato Steve Bumblebee turned in a castrated by the cast members. & salad bar $4.95 particularly funny performance as Granola was served to those who play ‘‘Leg Council,” attempts to ram a student leader who pounds the “ took it like a person." or ■utal legislation. gavel a lot in an attempt to sound The play will run every Wed­ Texas style fried chicken important. However, his acting nesday night forever, except for style is not suited to this sort of vacations, proxies and when (skin so good you’ll want a comedy, as he takes himself far too something more important comes side order for dessert) Play In The UCen seriously. Perhaps he will im­ up. with fries & salad bar $3.75 King Tut will make a rare to feel that they are better than their appearance on the UCSB campus being peers. The play focuses in on a group of on Tuesday," March ll at 8 p.m. d last these mischief makers, and the hilarious “The best thing This hijinks they get themselves into as a result The long-dead king will be in that ever s I’ve of their colossal egos, Storke Plaza, where he will not happened to d, it s An especially good performance in perform his famous “ juggle 12 your mouth!“ turn- turned in by Sherry Hairy, a marvelous bananas while filing his nails con- actress with incredible timing. Only she with a Waring blender” trick, 964 0561 could take a line like “ What we really have however, because his agent says •up of to do is get the non-violent dung of op- “ he’s dead. Now get away from 4223 State have pressionism to throw off the rings of defeat me.” Admission is free. Leaving voted and sexism towards the ERA and the right costs $12. seem of the unwed mother, to have orgasms on - ESCAPE FROM FINALS - THEATRES COME PUTTER AROUND FREE Round of Golf w ith Reg. Card ALSO Featuring the best in ELECTRONIC GAMES: SPACE INVADERS FROGS He hears the silence. He sees the darkness. He's the only one DRAG RACE w ho can stop the killing FOOTBALL AfOKEOFOK PINBALL NIGHT DRIVER SPACE WARS HEAD ON BASKETBALL AND SO MUCH MORE!

V DOUBLE FEATURE FILMS! Calle Real & Hitchcock Way (Behind Bob’s BIG BOY) „ BAMBOOZLE DAILY BOGUS BROTHERS W EDNESDA Y. M A R C H 12. 1980 M arch Hallucinogen Special PAG E 10 Sucks Eggs Psilocybin Mushrooms: Lysergic Acid Diethylamide: Dried $15/oz. 20% Orange $2/hit Fresh $10/oz. Purple $l/hit Athletic Department Finds New student discount Coming in April Black Afghani Hash Idea to Comply With Title IX Basketball's Sam Dunk Named Athlete of the Weak D C By JIM Q. KOSS1 one hell of a time in his Religious auto racing tournament, the Sado- igantic Diamond SALE The UCSB athletic department Studies 307 class — Philosophy of Masochists beat the Guys with last week devised a new. system for Orange Rims. Purple Underwear, 3-2. In the wife­ athletic funding, in keeping with In the finals of the I.M. coed egg- beating contest, the Kinky Sexists ihousands of Diamonds will go on Sale compliance of Title IX. toss tournament, the teams of the put down the Black and Blue “ We put all the names of all the Bears and Tigers played to a 2-2 Brothers. 10-6. In coed Storke major sports at UCSB into a tie. This marked the first time in Tower-climbing, the team of 2 Days O nly helmet and the first one drawn gets I.M. history that two teams with Cheech and Chong, won it. as they the most funding, the second one ordinary names entered an I.M. got the highest, but got down the chosen gets the second most and so tournament. wrong way, plunging ten feet to & Friday Saturday on," said the new athletic director. Last year, in the finals of the their demise. March 14 & 15 Ken Kosher. Unfortunately, Kosher fails to LOOSE (unset) DIAMONDS Diamond Stud Earrings in 14K Gold point out that no women's programs are among the names in 1/10 carat from 29.95 4 Pt - 20 p t - 29.95 109.95 the helmet. 1/4 carat from 99.95 6 pt 39.95 25Pt- 129.95 "Gee, I knew we forgot to put 1/2 carat from 299.95 I0pt - 69.95 30 pt - 149.95 some programs in there," the 3/4 carat from 399.95 15 p t - 89.95 40 p t - 169.95 athletic director concluded. However, he did not make the Free earpierc ing w/any earring purchase necessary changes, but said plans 14 K Gold Roating Diamond Pendant Set in 14K Gold are in the future. In other action, or inaction, in Heart with Diamond 5 pt - 39.95 1/5 carat 84.95 the athletic department, a new sm. reg. 19.95 9.95 10 pt. - 54.95 1/4 carat - 139.95 intercollegiate sport has been med. 12.95 reg. 21.95 15 pt - 69.95 1/3 carat 259.95 approved by the National College Irg. 15.95 reg. 25.95 1/2 carat- 459.95 3/4 carat -559.95 Athletic Association. “ Procrastination" will now be 14K Gold Script Initial with Diamond listed right along with swimming, reg 34.95 NOW 16.95 basketball and baseball at UCSB sami» low price as Oct. 1979 as a major sport receiving funding. Club president Jim Putoff. says. 14K Gold Double Band Diamond Initial Ring "W e've been waiting a long time sm. 39.95 reg. 69.95 - Iq. 69.95 reg. 99.95 for this day. We haven't gotten You may never see diamond prices this low again! around to organizing, but I'm sure we will." In other related athletic news, THE GOLD STORE the athlete of the week today is This diver was crucified yesterday, when he was 1324 State St. * 9 6 6 -0 7 4 3 Sam Dunk, the basketball center. paperclipped to the sixth floor of South Hall. Coach Gig (Across from Arlington Plaza) He failed to score points, but did Wilson said the crucifixion was to show just how good his break three backboards, downed swimming and diving team really is. two kegs Saturday night and had Gerry’s Classified Ads

Rabbit! ! Rabbit , Night Counseling Center needs ird Special Notices 112 days ago» players Inquire within Autos for Sale Restaurants Ummad you'd bettor start worrying Storke T ower KCSB ih m ;ds Rock and Roll DJs lion One Cadillac; vintage* '/8 . Makes great Jump for Jesus because we're almost to 100 and T) lo 9 and around the world. See Lesti planter Make offer you'll; still wav behind Maybe it’ll • Icari the committee to slop 3 to ! M, W, M l am to2 pm even but with a quick few more bottles Reverand Jordan your Host Salsa heart bun i Services Offered UNIVERSITY of champagne. KCSB needs some "White Dopes on All Gal Flea Trip -Jackson is a Hole! L.oót massage done by Professional Love. Umma* Punk" loi Classical slot . Sign up m the Wreck Office P S beware of all grass sfui ts by the Midget Have vout toes tinkled arid m DONUTS Free Lecture: Why is the cost of your sea. Wanted Youth Group lleadf for ■> oui cl.iveS eamissed. Call Billy Summer -Boys Camp in beautiful drugs so high? Who's npp.in' who off? Girl, shy, innovative dresser, little like ..Santa Y ne/ mountains. . Must he • FRESH DONUTS DAILY New Facts, by impartial committee Diane Keaton looking' tor unstable Stereos Campus Police Station Friday rule 8 skilled with numb chucks and liandy • Herb Tea open daily 3? relationship with short, Jewish college Radio.. AM FM niTTs on batteries or pm m with a knife. student. plug. Black plastic. C o s t 19.95 new • Coffee 6 am - Midnitt Stop the Draft! sacrifice at $8.00 Roommate Wanted 910 EMBARCADERO DEL NORTE Com Edison. Insulation workshop Business Personals Tues.»UCen :lf you xion't lea vea spa cube tween WE PAY CASH! for your used 45s and 11 io vv o rdsit'salmoslim possoble t( iic ;ad Fed up with Fashion Designer Jeans? stale bagels. S B. Trap and Skeet Ihedamnthingdidyouever thmkolThat ? STEREO DISCOUNTS Try the Graucho Mission Fellowship Club. Tape & Accessory SKIP'S Oig meeting Sunday 3 16 Be there Need female tor unique living Need xtra cash! City College student situation. 1 space lor attractive white HEADQUARTERS, Overeaters Anonymous! Weekly and Brooks student need garage to slave type in fraternity house. New & Used meeting at McDonalds has been rent loi foto engraving business. Big Cooking, cleaning, washing and changed to Wendy's potential, all replies confidential. HOUSE of AUDIO

Guard H H U H H i is involved in coitis interruptus at midcourt of a recent There will be basketball game. He did not score in the game. free coffee and tea Take a break A.S. Program Board, Community Affairs Board 8 pm on Friday & K T Y D proudly announce A.S. Program Board Production Special Concert Appearance April 5th Suicide Bulletin Holly Near A Khaki A ffa ir and special guests Hosts: President and Mrs. Jimmy Carter Location: Afghanistan Robin Flower Admission: One draft registration card; 18-20 year olds only. Nol & Nancy Vogai alcohol, no drugs, no long-hairs. Benefits will go to ‘the large oil companies and multi-national corporations. Shelley's in Isla Vista Presents its U.S. Imperialist Dog Menu: San Salvadore "Silver” Sandwiches m Nicaragua Tacos Bourgeois Beets Iranian M'n'Ms w /"red" dye no. 2 Afghanistan nuclear artichokes Chilean Chile

These gourmet dishes were "borrowed" from our international This show of good time music, fiddle, fancy flat-picking and neighbors during "friendly" relations with them so that the U.S. outrageous vocals will be in could improve the moral outlook of the, uh, citizens of these Campbell Hall April 5 at 7:30 pm colonies, uh, these countries. By the way, they had no choice.9 Anyway, eat! Enjoy! Tickets are $5.00 for students and $6.00 general. Available at the A.S. Box office, Morninglory Music, Ticket Express, Turning C ontest Point, SBCC Finance office and Winning Woman. Fifty Ways to Meet Your Maker Child care will be provided as well as signing for the Deaf. Special thanks to See the next Bogus for details or call SUI-CIDE. the UCSB W om an’s Center and the Undergrad. Sociology Union. This space partí lor bv the Group Suicide Club n PAGE 12 DAILY BOGUS WEDNESDA Y. MARCH 12. 1980 Advertisements appearing in the Daily Nexus reflect the views of the advertisers only. Printing of these ads is not to be con­ A Weekly Column by the strued as an express or implied sponsorship, endorsement, or Choices Aware Family Planning Group investigation of the advertiser. Veg Council Votes Knees To Oppose At By DR. SAMUEL INBALM Marathon Meeting Family Planning Clinic SURF *N' WEAR You may not realize it, but your knees are an important part of — Warm up from the winter breeze— your growing responsibilities as an adult and future parent. A.S. Vegetative Council voted Though old wives tales and myths make no mention of knees in unanimously to oppose last night the human reproductive process, modern studies have shown the during their on-going meeting. opposite to be true. It is now known, for example, that mistreat­ Tuesday night, marked the third with: ment of the knees during the formative years (ages 1 through 12) week that Veg Council has been in can lead to sexual dysfunction. a meeting-a-thon in order to raise O.P. ☆ Beachtowne ☆ Nohea Another study has linked the rate of impotence in males ages 18 money to carpet and furnish the Summer Girl to 22 with knee damage induced by surfing. That study was in­ proposed Veg Council Chambers. Offshore ☆ PUA ☆ Hobie conclusive, however, and the current thinking is that the level of A.S. Opposition Bill (A.S. Bill sexual competency among surfers is actually affected inversely by Number 1356) was introduced by Featuring the best in wet suits: the size of the waves: The bigger they are, the harder they fall, or, Representative (and Donny uh, so the report says. Osmond look-alike) Sniff Assley. O ’Neil ☆ Body G love ☆ Rip Curl It’s a funny thing about knees, but people are often shy about Assley argued that because Veg discussing them. Students regularly come to my office worried that Council “ just opposes everything Also Deckers they may be spending too much time on their knees. My advice is any way, we might as well take AND SO MUCH MORE! simple: if it hurts, stand up. care of the whole thing at one time. Of course, there are a few unfortunate souls whose knees have Look at the time we have spent this been injured or abuse beyond the point of medical help, but most year opposing the draft, the LRDP 5858 Hollister ☆ 967-7151 people’s problems can be completely treated through such basic and biased media coverage. We I block down from Hobey Baker’s and holistic approaches as peer counseling, proper diet, and a have opposed pornography and we sensible exercise program. have opposed biHs opposing por­ Where Summer Never Ends! The Student Undergraduate Committee on Knees, formed on nography. It just seems easier to campus two years ago, provides confidential counseling to students vote now to oppose everything with physical and emotional knee problems. “ It really brings later.” people together. We like to feel like we’re a helping hand, reaching Head Veg Marty Whozat denied out to pull people back up onto their feet,” said committee member, the significance of the vote to Leslie Hanze. oppose, saying, “ by this time we’d “ Basically, we re trying to educate people,” said project coor­ vote on anything. ’ ’ OR THOSE WHO dinator Dennis Pheet. Both Hanze and Pheet entered the program Infernal Vice Vegident Steve with knee problems and went on to become counselors. “ People Unbearably agreed with Whozat, REFUSE TO have real feelings about knees. A lot of it comes from songs, saying, “ I agree with Marty.” COMPROMISE\ you know, where they sing about ‘You got me down on my knees, Bill Number 1356 was the begging you, please...,’ you know, that kind of crap. thousandth bill passed The quality we put into “ Somehow they make knees seem, well, dirty." unanimously by Veg Council since ACOUSTIC INTERFACE Of course, dirty knees can be a problem, especially for people the beginning of their meeting-a- speakers comes out in clean, prone to wearing shorts. A good proverb to remember is “ clean thon. Other bills passed clear music. Find out for knees are happy knees." Here are a few more suggestions for unanimously include measures to yourself why people are over­ proper knee health: sack the UCen, lynch Associate whelmingly choosing AI —Though shorts and skirts are tempting on the warmer days, Vice Chancellor and Ad­ speakers over mass produced knees should be kept covered for maximum protection; ministrative Toady Snob Cruise. ones. —Do not bang your knees forcefully into solid objects; According to Leftist Veg Very Our drivers are guaranteed for —If you will be involved in activities that require you to spend Studley, the meeting-a-thon is r r i O 10 years, and our teak, walnut, large amounts of time on your knees, take regular breaks to stand quite succesful. “ We’ve raised a oak, and rosewood cabinets are up and be counted. pile of bucks. Keep feeding us guaranteed for life. Remember, your future family is depending on your knees. those drugs, and there is no telling Acoustic Interface speakers how long we could last,” Studley are available exclusively at (Next week’s topic: “ Diaphragm Babies: those little kids with the laughed. The rubber heads.” ) To date, Council has raised Sound $143.78 towards the creation of Experience... their chambers. Donations have . . . the unique stereo store Snidecor blushed. come from such varied sources as War N ow In an effort to revive the flagging where you talk to a professional the Reg Fee Committee, the audio engineer, not a well- (Continued from p.3) attention span of council members, Alumni Association and the A.S. meaning salesperson. on this subject, and even though Head Groder Albert Bummers Emergency Fund. 297 Pine I’m not as cute as Chris Limelegal, tried to call the meeting to order by During the Representatives’ (1 b lk. So. o f th e H ollister S unburst) I ’m still cuter than Snotty. But introducing a new motion. “ I reports, Veg rep Quibbling HOURS M -F 12-7 A--_ don’t quote me on that in the would like to introduce a new Frothman recounted the highlights Sat 10-SSun 12-6 9 O 4 a0 Z 4 7 Bogus. You know how I hate to be motion,” he said, introducing the of the meeting-a-thon. taken out of context.” new motion. “ I am just really stoked about To this a woman in the audience The meeting was adjourned what you guys have done. I think responded, “ Hey M ike-I’ll take when two council members left to we’re doing something right oii, you in any context I can get you get more beer and forgot to come and I think students and com­ in!” back. munity groders will really get behind us on this one,” Frothman SPECIALIZING IN GEOMETRIC WASH N WEAR ( I I S FOR MEN & WOMEN said. Frothman admitted, PERMS C< >1 ( IR Cl ).NI )JTI< )NIN( 1 I RE I Cl ).\Sl ’I IAI IÙ.N ( Please turn to p.13, col.l) HUECO«!) W W O € S N ? 0

6 East Arrellaga

USC 'Olympians' Invade UCSB t TROUBLED BY Friday — 7:30 pm ¡ ^ U N W A N T E D t2 ranked USC, with U.S. Olympic Team members Dusty Ouvorak. Tim Holland and Pat Powers, meets the /3 Gauchos. Match taped for National Cable T.V.I LIMBS?

Permanent removal of arms, legs, hands, feel and other limbs is available through the Amputation Center of Goleta. Saturday — 7:30 We use the latest medieval methods, medically approved dor Gauchos vs. Pepperdine permanent limb removal Custom stub shaping available. Serving Santa Barbara iSai fo r the past 15 years B For your convenience, we offer free consultations and estimates. "Family Night” with fine handcrafted Before and after photos included with every removal (Sorry, but $5.00 for the ENTIRE FAMILY Leather Items r e . limbs cannot be returned to the original ownersl National Cable T.V. coverage FEATURING Birkenstock Sandals UCSB Campus Events Center AMPUTATION CENTER OF GOLETA Deckers - Mexican Sandals (Car Pool if possible!) For your free consultation call Clogs • Belts • Buckles - Hats • SUPPORT GAUCHO VOLLEYBALL! 960-0000 Wallets • Handbags - Leather We're located right behind Sadie’s Sex Shop Jackets. Vests and Halters. A d v an c e Tickets on sale a t Also Fine Casual Clothing Third door on the left; knock three times. ' UCSB Athletic Ticket Office - 961-3292 18 W. Anapamu • 966-2510 PLENTY OF FREE PARKING 1/2^ block off State .— Free Parking W EDNESDA Y. M A R C H 12. 1980 DAILY BOGUS RAGE 13 Self-Criticism SEX! SEX!

Better Evaluations Planned; A S . Edible Underwear Orange, 4 P Profs to Examine Themselves & Cherry and * By WILLIAM LUNCH Far too many good teachers are lead to a higher quality of Banana A new and “ innovative” faculty receiving poor evaluations teaching. I believe that will be evaluation system has been because the computer is unable to evident almost immediately, in the Sadie's Sex Shop proposed and is expected to be separate opinion from bias.” form of better evaluations in the implemented bn campus next “ The current system is basically coming quarters. Over Five Million Served______quarter, the chancellor’s office in error because it rates in­ announced Monday. structors almost solely on their Under the new plan, which work in the classroom,” said a I COUPON, i received unanimous endorsement disgruntled engineering instructor from the Academic Senate Feb. 28, whose classes nearly mutinied last 1 both ladder and non-ladder faculty quarter. “ Students just don’t I would be required to solicit realize that being a good teacher i 6£|oth comments from 10 percent of their has nothing to do with a I classroom.'" classes each quarter. After I THREE CONVENIENT LOCATIONS I reviewing the comments, each He also said that by allowing FISH MARKETS I I faculty member would then submit professors to synthesize the 205 Santa Barbara St. 5132 Hollister — Goleta 5722 Calle Real - Goleta _ his or her own synopsis of the evaluations, “ we will get a greater I Santa Barbara Magnolia Shopping Center Calle Real Shopping Center | concensus and agreement as to the PH.962-8186 PH. 964-2884 ______PH. 964 1440 ■ comments for submission to the I respective department and to the instructor’s real worth.” I dean, respectively. Michaelson's office issued a I Survey forms would be statement saying that any student I I destroyed immediately “ to protect comments on the program could be I I students' rights to con­ issued in writing to the dean’s SAVE $1.00 I Save $1.00 on purchase of $4.00 or more I fidentiality," according to Dr. office, where they will be With this coupon only - Expires March 31,1980 Marvin Michaelson, “ The” Vice “ processed” and forwarded for I LIMIT: ONE COUPON PER CUSTOMER I Chancellor, who announced the administrative review. I * FcohiAixq - The SeUctie* «1 Ftask I "Basically, I think this program program. I "W e feel this new approach will is setting a trend away from such I Seeissi in Hu Seale B ettae Aue. better enable our instructors to activities as Profile and other find their weaknesses and build faculty evaluation guides,” said upon them,” Michaelson said, Chancellor Huttenback in a before leaving for another “ very telephone interview yesterday. “ I important" conference which was believe, and the faculty especially expected to last several weeks with believes, that we will all reap the no interruptions, especially greatest benefit not through the telephone calls. criticism of others, but from self- criticism...looking inside our­ As the Academic Senate vote selves. demonstrated, faculty members "W e each know best our own are quite pleased with the new weaknesses. I have no doubt but plan. “ It just makes good sense," that this knowledge will be of great said History Professor Wayne benefit to this institution, and Wallace, who comes up for tenure especially its faculty. And I have next year. “ I mean let’s face it. every confidence that this new The system now is not working. system of self-examination will Students For War (Continued from p.3> “ The demand for mercenary is a full scale nuclear conflict. We soldiers is greater now than it ever have got to reassert our position-as has been in the past. Even in the a world power, both to strengthen Middle Ages a good knight could be our economy and stabilize the expected to last about three world." months in the Crusades. We’re Dover also claimed that military lucky if we get two weeks out of a takeover of Third World countries soldier before he expires.” must preface a solution to the Persons interested in pursuing world-wide problems of starvation, mercenary employment were unemployment and over­ advised to contact the Kamikaze population. Employment Agency at 10 The g reatest “ Without all these peasants to Machiavelli Lane, Bogota, worry about we’ll have plenty of Columbia, 80034. jobs, and food, to go around. And “ There are also opportunity’s everyone can have a summer open with any of a number of home,” he said. terrorist groups such as the Red ski wear clearance Red Danger spoke on the Brigades, the Iranian psuedo- possibilities of mercenary em­ students or the restyled SLA or ployment for students wishing to Weathermen,” said Danger. ' “ get involved without waiting for a When asked his reaction to the jn Field House history! congressional declaration (of students position, Capt. Bob w ar.)” Danger noted that there Huttenback claimed to have no are several Third World countries, knowledge of the situation. “ I such as Angola and Afghanistan, didn’t even know there was a Ski Jackets — 30-50% off where mercenaries “ are being rally,” he said. ‘‘Did they go hired as fast as we can kill ’em. ’ ’ through the office of student life?” Ski Vests — 30-50% off Ski Bibs — 30-50% off Opposition Stretch Pants — 30% off (Continuedfrom p.12) however, that the outset of the Students are to turn in Ski Suits — 50% off mega meeting had been shaky, at their lockers and best. “ Like, I remember when we clothing before 4:30 pm had to, like, chain this one vegette Fri., Mar. 14. Fines will be Sweaters — - up to 50% off to her unrefurbished chair to keep imposed for failure to do her from taking off to her sorority so. Blondo After-Ski Boots — 30% off house. But that's all behind us now.” Frothman concluded her Fashions by Swing West * Profile • Gerry • Edelweiss report by.saying, “ I would like to conclude my'feport by saying that SALE NO W IN PROGRESS I agree with Marty, too." Vegrep 4 Batty Birdinhan SALAI reported that she was unable to Smorgasboard give her report because she was $ ^ 8 9 piu^tax “ all tied up." Susan P. Foley, Veg rep and Monday thru Friday rumoured roomie extraordanaire, 11:30-1:30 The Field House announced that she was perhaps the only sane member of Veg Council .in the evening's final The Sports Store in La Gumbre Plaza report. Council will continue to meet in est. 1976 UCen 2284 today and through the •rest of the week, according to La Cumbre Plaza * Phone 687-9913 * O p e n : M on., Thurs., Fri. 10-9/Hies., Wed., Sat. IO-6/Sun. 12-5. l §10 Emb. del Norte, I.V. §00-0610 prominent vegetable sources. Um ni in i» huhimiuinr PAG E 14 DAILY BOGUS W EDNESDA Y. M A R C H 12, 1980

ts tops UNEQUALED SELECTION UCSB Sells Bloebuck UCens shorts ColeeConnie BankoeEloe (Continued from p.3) closed the door to his carpeted make up for our miscalculations. " skirts HitideeSa.ssafraseTwinseDaffy fought to improve poor office. Ginseng feels that the sale was „dresses & many more 1 pc & 2 pc. $22-28 rompers management, organize the Current director Doug Ginseng unnecessary even though mem­ plus sarongs our own unique custom bookstore and keep the UCen from once more claimed that, despite bers of the reg fee committee said pareaus fitting in all cup sizes running a deficit. what it looked like, the UCen was that if the UCen continued to run a kimonos also & our own new “ Who cares about how the UCen not running in the red. “ Look,” deficit they would be unable to crocheted & knit bikinis is run," retorted former UCen Ginseng said, holding up a large make up for it without cutting wild crushable visors-only $5 Director Bobby Lordumb. “ It’s incomprehensible graph. “ Now, other programs. Quaaludeman only a student service, paid for by we loose money here, but we make claimed, “ We’ll be unable to make b fora 310 Chapala St. student monies. money there and we break even up for it without cutting other Santa Barbara 9 6 2 -8 9 5 9 j “ Besides, I have a big golf match here and I know it seems like all in programs.” factory this weekend and need to practice all we eat it to the tune of about He added that at the rate at my putting game,” Lordumb $200,000 a year but its not that bad which construction was continued, putter in hand, as he since we can always get reg fees to preceeding, UCen II would not have been finished "until hell froze over.” Homecoming Celebration Sucks Eggs “ Sure, ' w'e had construction problems,” Ginseng said, “ But IN C O N C E R T (Continued from p.3) with a stirring rally, as many given a year or two we may have snoring from his precarious perch incensed radicals arranged been able to approximate an exact on a park bench, the pack of wild themselves around the front door date for the grand opening." dogs began to howl, and the of Isla Vista's Village Market, weekend-long celebration was demanding that beer be served underway. starting at 6:30 every morning First day events included the instead of the usual 8 a.m. The weed picking competition in the angry crowd chanted “ The people, - park, bullfrog watching in the Isla united, should be intoxicated! ” Jarvis. . . Vista river, and the ever-popular (Continued from p.3) REVERIE “ beach tar” obstacle course. Hours later, with the morning’s senator. Others are calling the PLAYING TOP 40 ROCK N’ ROLL Highlighting the first day’s toasts completed, and further Klaxon amendment, “ totally schedule of events, however, was liquid refreshment clutched in bogus,” as Senator Howard an impromptu jam session on the paper bags, the throng repaired to Burmashave (D-Disneyland) put The New Anisq’Oyo stage, featuring dozens the park to take part in the all-day it. “ I have already enlisted many of singers, dancers, and guitar “ Potpourri rally." Rally organizer of the Howards in the state, and Hobey Baker’s pickers, none of whom had the Ray Damon, delivering the quite a few Jarvises in our fight faintest notion of what the others opening invocation, said, “ We against Klaxon, including such 5918 Hollister Ave. were up to. The esoteric nature of know that nothing of any im­ notables as Howard Cosell and the entertainment caused some portance has gone down in I$la Howard Johnson” he added. less permanent Isla Vista Vista for ten years, and that’s fine John Vasconcellophane Food & Drink & Dancing inhabitants to watch from the with us. Hell, current events are (R —Sabado Tarde) after hearing ( No cover charge Sunday thru Thursday!!) sidelines. dangerous. Let’s all live safely and of Klaxon’s measure, called for the Day two of the festival began sedately in the past! ” abolishment of all amendments. YOU’RE GRADUATING... WHAT’S NEXT?

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Have we got a future for you W EDNESDA Y. M A R C H 12. 1980 DAILY BOGUS PAGE IS

rCX S rZ . NOW I've GOT HEAVY/ THE. SCREAMING MUNCUIES POR SOME. WTASTY CLOTUErS/ .

I <35.51 TRIGO Rò ISLA VISTA I What K in d o f This forty-seven ton potato was found in Storke Plaza during the recent rainstorms. The origin of the large spud is still unknown. Woman The History of the Potato Reads the Bogus? By JIMMY OLSEN The presence of the modern journey through space, the Send me your tired, your poor; potato stretches far back into the potatoes had merely to fix on the Your helpless masses yearning to journals of recorded history. Many coordinates of the arches and fly breathe free; I lift my lamp beside scholars maintain that the potato right in.” the golden door...—Inscription on was represented at the. last supper In response to claims from his the Statue of Liberty by the Roman hero, Scallopus. opponents that the molecular and America, the melting pot of the There are even some, such as cellular composition of the world. Our borders have protected French vegetable historian Blake vegetable rendered it unfit for the rights of countless millions of P ’tot who maintain that potatoes interstellar travel, P ’tot claims immigrants in our short 200 year first visited the Earth from outer “ We’re not talking about your history. Throughout our existence, space before the evolution of ordinary potato here. What we are America has been seen by the ■ modern man. dealing with is a super potato world as the symbol of prosperity, P ’tot points to a series of grown in an almost completely of opportunity and as a haven for unexplained inscriptions found in sterile environment. I mean, oppressed vegetables everywhere. the desert near Barstow, seriously, have you ever heard of a America, the beef stew of the California. The drawings feature potato bug being shot into outer world. We have witnessed the two large semi-circular concave space?” migration of cabbage from columns literally carved into the At any rate, potatoes have been a Britain, of corn from South- yellow sands of the Mojave Desert. part of our environment for as long She's bright; she's witty; she's the kind of woman who ap­ America and of eggplants from “ From an altitude of 50,000 as modern man has remained on preciates a good joke. After a tough day of fighting crime in the Rumania. But, of all the thousands feet,” claims P ’tot in his book Earth. However, it wasn’t until the of groups who have immigrated to Deep Fryers of the Potatoes, “ the year 1123 that potatoes first streets and corruption in government offices, she likes to come our country, none has as poignant drawings resemble an un­ banded together and formed their> home, pick up her copy of the Bogus and relax. a history as the potato, who believably huge pair of golden own society. Before that most She's also a woman who enjoys, and often makes, dumb jokes. migrated to America from Ireland arches. What I think we have here authorities agree that the social If you appreciate this kind of sick humor, then you to may enjoy after the great potato-chive wars is the first interstellar fast food and physical environment kept the Bogus. Pick up a copy and see. of the 17th century. delivery station. After their long (Please turn top.io.col.l) C A $ H * ISLd YISTd eooKSTore "" B O O K S WE ARE PAYING TOP PRICES NOW WE NEED GOOD USED TEXTBOOKS FOR THE COMING QUARTER SO BRING US YOUR UNWANTED TEXTBOOKS AND TAKE HOME UP TO 1/2 P R IC E CASHI 6553 PARDALL RD.

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Was the Earth visited by extraterrestrial spuds?

of world prominence. Oregon by 1912 P o ta to In the spring of 1660, Francois Then, 1942. War is sweeping the Frites, the potatoes ace field world and the potato is called to from p.9, col.:! P commander, was uprooted and action. Unselfishly giving of potatoes for the most part isolated executed at Chez Jaques in Paris. themselves and their young, from each other. One month later the Green thousands of potatoes volunteer as Says plant historian Aridy Ficus Brigade, faced with mounting Army C-rations, second class. of MIT, “ You have to understand costs and a great bargain on rat When the war ends, both the W k that the life of an adolescent potato poison at K-mart, became the first Idaho and Oregonian’ clans are is much different from his or her terrorist group to use biological decimated, only the very old and Intimmte Appmrel human counterpart. During his warfare against their enemies. the very young have remained 1303 S ta te S t. development the potato is raised in Their ranks decimated by the behind. almost total darkness, being as he great potato famine from without So, in 1948, the clans banded is a brown (subsurface) vegetable. and by a lack of organization from together forming the powerful For this reason, he will have very within, a few hardy survivors fled Orelda potato conglomerate. Their little contact with other potaoes, to America with a dream of widespread influence was to including those in his immediate rebuilding their once great culminate in the 1968 presidential family.” civilization. election when their candidate, i H ü f i In 1123 however, an inspired The potato found the harsh cold Richard Nixxon, was elected potato. King Leek as he came to be of the eastern winter difficult to President of the United States. known, called for the assimilation deal with and so joined the great Prior to announcing his can­ of all the brown vegetables of the westward expansion that was didacy, Nixxon had been an world “ to make this a better place carrying America to the Pacific. unknown potato farmer from Sioux to raise our spuds in.” Joining the American pioneers City. With the help of several With a far reaching and in­ who blazed the infamous Oregon genetic engineers from CalTech, novative legal code. Leek's Trail, the potato set out in search Tim Tot, the president of the potato followers soon grew and word of of a clod of dirt they could call league, was grafted to Nixxon’s his efforts spread to other groups home. Many of their fellows were head. who began their own vegetable lost on the way as the trail-weary With a new-found confidence, preservation campaigns. pathfinders resorted to albeit a somewhat uglier coun­ Leek's code was based on the vegetarianism to restore their tenance, Tot-Nixxon went on to I f ^ i simple rule of socialism: to each vitality. achieve infamy in the Oval Office. — according to his need, from each However, survive they did. On a However, it remained for the JlcU^uiV? perm* according to his ability. In the warm spring day in 1818 a twice potatoes of their homeland to legal translation, this code took the boiled potato, Ima Spud, chanced achieve the potatoes crowning form of the oft-repeated quotation to look out and see the inviting glory. Before even man, the “An eye for an eye, a tot fora tot.” fields of Idaho beckoning him. At potatoes became the first member However, Leek’s rule came to a last the potatoes had found their of the vegetable society to see the In Isla Vista sudden and inglorious end during niche—it had taken them 200 years Earth from outside her at­ 956 Embarcadero del Norte the harvest of 1124. Potatoes were from the time they left their native mosphere. H€ps By Appointment: 685:1209 relatively quiet for the next 500 Ireland, but they now had a place Then, of course, everyone’s NOTUM MNDCMITM UMICO UJffMSOCNC or 685-4104 years until with little warning the to call their own. heard of the Spudnik. infamous potato-chive wars broke In 1911, a splinter group of the out in 1657. original migrants got the urge to Angered that their brown continue their westward cousins were getting top billing in migration, 93 years after they had the premier restaurants of the settled in Idaho. Braving the rough world, the Green Brigade launched trails and harsh weather, this a series of vicious attacks aimed at hardy band of potatoes was able to MEMORIES! undermining the potato's position reach the Columbia plateau of Now, for a limited time only, you can have your very own copy of Memories: A.S. Program Board What they almost were, the Presents official book of the A.S. Concerts that never hap­ A SPECIAL pened! That’s right, think of the memories you never COFFEEHOUSE quite got to cherish when PERFORMANCE The Eagles turned out to be just another vicious rumor. FRIDAY, MARCH 14 Recall the thrills that never The Grateful Dead! were when the Grateful The Eagles 8 pm Dead never came near Santa Barbara. with Yes, this thrill-packed book contains hundreds of pages of space where pictures would go if they had been taken. Imagine, if you can SINGER/SONGWRITER (and you’ll have to), Jerry Garcia in Storke Plaza. Thrill to the white space that should have been Don Henley crooning his way into your love-starved heart. And there are so many more bands that got to WENDY UCSB only in our wildest imaginations. This is a book you’ll have to have SO A C T T O D A Y ! GROSSMAN Send $14,000.37 to MEMORIES AND FANTASIES Refreshments are Free P. O. Box 1980 Skunk’s Breath, Iowa 50066

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