SHAKESPEARE’S ROBIN V
By James Lewis Huss
A SMITH SCRIPT
This script is protected by copyright laws. No performance of this script – IN ANY MEDIA – may be undertaken without payment of the appropriate fee and obtaining a licence. For further information, please contact SMITH SCRIPTS at [email protected] Shakespeare’s Robin V
by James Lewis Huss
Cast of Characters: Robin Hood, V Earl of Loxley King Richard the Lionheart Prince John Lackland Sheriff of Nottingham Maid Marian Merry Men “Little” John Nailer Friar Michael Tucker (Tuck) Will Scarlet Gamble Gold Wat O’Crabstaff Much the Miller’s Son Alan Dale Vassals Hubert de Burgh, Earl of Kent William Marshal, Earl of Pembroke Robert Fitzwalter William of Cassingham William Longchamp, Chancellor Sheriff’s Posse Aldis Pritchard Egon Roberts Daviot Chambers Odell Weber Chancellor Hobbs Dathan Bowman Goodwife Bettris Archbishop of Canterbury Executioner Gimp
1 ACT I
2 Scene 1 [Sherwood Forest]
3 A smoke-filled tent. Festive music. Gambling. Drinking. Cursing. Around a table with cards
4 and beers and scraps of food are ROBIN (HOOD), V EARL OF LOXLEY; “LITTLE” JOHN NAILER;
5 FRIAR MICHAEL TUCKER (TUCK); WILL SCARLET; GAMBLE GOLD; WAT O’CRABSTAFF; and
6 MUCH THE MILLER’S SON. Attending is GOODWIFE BETTRIS. ALAN DALE dances merrily as he
7 plays the flute.
8 KING RICHARD THE LIONHEART (dressed in armor) paces around the table; he seems rather
9 disgusted at the revelry. THE MERRY MEN continue to drink and gamble, oblivious to their
10 king. The din and clamor dim, and RICHARD begins.
11 RICHARD: Devoted audience and noble friends,
12 Before this tale of drunken miscreants
13 Begins, we’d like to warmly welcome thee
14 To witness this amended history—
15 These sordid scenes of gambling, theft, and ale
16 By evening’s end will render quite the tale,
17 A yarn of ne'er-do-wells whose rioting
18 And lawlessness enraged the fleeting king
19 To whom we left the charge of England’s weal
20 So we could charge those ranks of infidels
21 That plague the commonwealth of Christian souls.
22 As we in hallowed battle bearded shoals
23 Of Muslims, John the petty prince engaged
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24 In war with petty poachers, curs with blades
25 And arrows laying waste to Sherwood’s game.
26 But do not be deceived by fibs and fame:
27 The myths of Robin and his Merry Men—
28 Canards invented by a writer’s pen—
29 May claim this crew of dicers, drunks, and boors,
30 With what they pilfered, gifted to the poor.
31 But only one of these unholy beasts
32 Had in his heart an ounce of charity—
33 RICHARD stops behind ROBIN, takes off a glove, and gently strokes ROBIN’S hair.
34 RICHARD: That striking master of the shaft and wood,
35 The legendary bowman, Robin Hood!
36 RICHARD gazes at ROBIN momentarily before returning to the front of the stage.
37 RICHARD: Relax and let these scenes and actors please
38 Your fancies, but accept apologies
39 For the profanities you’ll hear (and see)—
40 A proper tale demands veracity,
41 And Plato says, to those able to read:
42 "The word should be the cousin to the deed.”
43 RICHARD bows and exits. THE MERRY MEN become loud and raucous again.
44 JOHN: Another pot of ale, you bloody wench.
45 JOHN slams his cup down on the table. Beer spills.
46 BETTRIS: I ain’t your wench, you saucy cur. Go to!
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47 ROBIN: A second shank of hogget, too.
48 BETTRIS: Go to!
49 You fools what drink and play with men all day—
50 It seems right queer to me.
51 ROBIN: We’re Merry Men!
52 JOHN: To Merry Men!
53 THE MERRY MEN toast. JOHN drains his beer.
54 JOHN: And where is Bettris with—
55 BETTRIS: You’ll get your pot of ale when’t snows in Hell.
56 BETTRIS slaps him across the back of his head. WILL SCARLET scampers over to ROBIN and
57 humbly kneels beside him.
58 WILL: My liege, I’ll gladly bear that meat for thee.
59 JOHN: And while you’re at it, fill this pot with ale.
60 WILL: A shank for Robin Hood! Oh my!
61 JOHN: My ale!
62 WILL: A shank for Robin! And your ale. What else?
63 JOHN: MY ALE!
64 JOHN throws the pot at WILL. It barely misses him.
65 BETTRIS (aside to WILL): God’s belly, why on earth do you
66 Endure this hell?
67 WILL (aside to BETTRIS): Because I love him—I
68 Mean them. The Merry Men. Collectively.
69 Like brothers, see?
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70 BETTRIS (aside to WILL): I see. Like “family.”
71 WILL (aside to BETTRIS): Correct!
72 WILL exits. BETTRIS exits with pots and mugs behind him.
73 ROBIN: I call. Now show those losing suits!
74 JOHN: The booze! I’m waiting for the bloody booze!
75 TUCK: For Jesus’ sake! Just show your Goddamn hand.
76 GAMBLE: You heard the padre—show your blasted cards.
77 ROBIN slaps his cards face up on the table. He looks confident. Moans and groans as GAMBLE,
78 WAT, and MUCH all toss their cards.
79 TUCK: Full house?
80 ROBIN: Full house. You want to shrieve me, Tuck?
81 TUCK slams his cards on the table and takes a gulp of ale. ROBIN spreads his arms wide and
82 starts raking in the pile of gold coins. JOHN stops him.
83 JOHN: But soft!
84 ROBIN: I like it hard. (giggling)
85 JOHN: The cards. The cards!
86 JOHN lays his straight upon the table one card at a time. ROBIN bangs his head and wails
87 melodramatically as JOHN triumphantly gathers his winnings.
88 TUCK: It’s just a game, you goose. Relax.
89 JOHN: My ale!
90 WILL comes scrambling back with a pot of ale and a plate of food. JOHN takes the beer and
91 eagerly gulps. ROBIN waves off the food. WILL sulks away.
92 WAT: You can’t be serious. It’s just a game.
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93 ROBIN: It’s not the poker game. It’s ... everything!
94 JOHN: Enough of this. We’ve beer to drink. Salud!
95 ROBIN: I can’t. I’m too depressed. I’m going to bed.
96 Moans and groans all around. ROBIN slowly stands, head hanging low, but JOHN grabs his
97 arm and jerks him back down to his chair.
98 JOHN: The Earl of Loxley, Robin Hood, depressed?
99 The hero with the bow and arrow?
100 ROBIN: So?
101 TUCK: Our yeoman chief, depressed? This cannot be.
102 ROBIN: ‘Tis true, and thank you, but a hero I
103 Am not. I’ll never joust like Lancelot—
104 JOHN: You’ve lanced a lot!
105 ROBIN: Go to, you hairy brute!
106 I’ll never wield a sword like Lord Gawain—
107 TUCK: It’s not pronounced ga-WAIN—it’s GAY-one, chief.
108 JOHN: It’s GAH-wan!
109 TUCK: GAH-wan?
110 JOHN: Yep.
111 TUCK: I never knew.
112 GAMBLE: Don’t worry, boss—you’ll be a legend soon.
113 ROBIN: But no one wants to write a romance called,
114 “The Tales of Robin Hood.”
115 TUCK: By God, they should!
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116 JOHN: You’ve countless victories in war to please
117 The hordes of fans who’ll read your lore.
118 ROBIN: Like when?
119 JOHN: Remember when we met?
120 ROBIN: Upon the bridge?
121 JOHN: That’s right. And then we fought.
122 ROBIN: ‘Cause you’re an ass.
123 JOHN: That’s neither here nor there. You won that fight.
124 ROBIN: Oh no. You knocked me fully off that bridge.
125 JOHN: I did?
126 ROBIN: You did. In fact, you pounded me
127 Quite soundly with that staff you drag around.
128 JOHN: It’s coming back to me. I loved that staff—
129 WILL: Remember when I pulled my blade on you?
130 You drew your rusty sword and parried back,
131 I thrust and thrust, but couldn’t penetrate!
132 ROBIN: You callow boy! That isn’t how it went.
133 You struck me hard between the legs. Your sword—
134 So long and straight—came at me with a wrath!
135 Then blow by blow you forced me to submit.
136 I had to swallow pride—you tanned my hide.
137 WILL: Oh, right—
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138 WAT: But then there was that time you beat—
139 ROBIN: The Friar? No, he lied.
140 TUCK: I never lie!
141 ROBIN: Unless, of course, a butt is up for grabs.
142 TUCK: Who can resist an ample butt of wine?
143 TUCK takes a gulp of ale. ROBIN puts his head back on the table.
144 JOHN: Don’t be so hard upon thyself, my friend.
145 You’re still the leader of this horde of men.
146 TUCK: But why? He gets his arse kicked all the time.
147 ROBIN wails.
148 WILL: And now you’ve gone and made him cry again.
149 WILL consoles ROBIN.
150 ROBIN: It’s not the fighting, nor the game—
151 WILL: Then what?
152 ROBIN: I haven’t seen my king in weeks and days—
153 He’s crossing Muslim blades on his crusade!
154 ROBIN sobs miserably.
155 Scene 2 [Sherwood Forest]
156 Months earlier. ROBIN enters the stage with bow and arrows.
157 ROBIN (aside): The Royal Forest … here the monarch keeps
158 His flesh and keeps his people starved to death—
159 The king’s audacity! How dare he claim
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160 For his the game that is the bounty of
161 The commonwealth? How dare he claim to love
162 His subjects when he hoards the feral food
163 That should contribute to the common good?
164 Were I to meet that selfish king afield,
165 I’d show him fast just how my shaft should feel!
166 ROBIN sees something and crouches down.
167 ROBIN: Methinks I spy a royal deer ahead,
168 And though it might beget my death (or worse),
169 That perky tail—so white, so tight—invites!
170 He draws an arrow from its quiver.
171 ROBIN: I’ll yank my bowstring hard before I pierce
172 The supple hind with wooden shafts of mine.
173 But soft! Its head’s erect, my cover’s blown,
174 A flaccid shot would fail to lay it down!
175 I’m coming for that horny beast, and once
176 I’ve thrust my wood inside its tender flesh,
177 I’ll suck the meat right off those rigid bones—
178 That firm behind will make a tasty meal,
179 And I can almost feel the sapid meat
180 Between my wat’ring gums and grinding teeth.
181 He draws the bowstring.
182 ROBIN: Be still, my beating heart.
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183 He releases the arrow.
184 ROBIN: The shaft has found
185 Its flesh! The hind lies prostrate on the ground!
186 ROBIN starts for the deer. Enter KING RICHARD and SOLDIERS dragging the dead animal.
187 ROBIN: Unhand my meat! How dare you taint with gloves
188 Unclean the beast that I acquired with just
189 One shaft of wood. Unhand my meat, you blades!
190 RICHARD: Fair hunter, don’t you recognize my face?
191 ROBIN shakes his head.
192 RICHARD: My crest, my cape, my band of noblemen?
193 ROBIN scratches his chin and cuts his eyes sheepishly.
194 RICHARD: The bloody crown I’m wearing on my head?
195 ROBIN: King Richard? Is it really you? Forsooth?
196 RICHARD nods stately and extends his hand. ROBIN falls to his knees, takes RICHARD’S hand,
197 and kisses it repeatedly (and passionately).
198 ROBIN: My liege! A thousand one apologies!
199 ROBIN keeps kissing. RICHARD draws his hand back awkwardly. ROBIN stares into his eyes.
200 ROBIN: My lord! The legendary Lionheart!
201 I’m sorry, but I never thought my king
202 Would be so charming, handsome, muscular—
203 In paintings that I’ve seen, but pardon me,
204 The monarchy are quite unseemly. You,
205 However, make the Greeks look weak, the knights
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206 Unfit, the nobles rough—
207 RICHARD: Enough. Enough.
208 So does this fawning archer have a name?
209 ROBIN: Sir Robin Hood of Loxley, Earl the Fifth.
210 RICHARD: The legendary archer—Robin Hood?
211 ROBIN: The very one.
212 RICHARD: You realize that it’s
213 A crime to pierce with shaft a royal hind?
214 The punishment for this could leave you blind.
215 ROBIN: Your highness, when I saw that tail, I had
216 To have it for myself—Is it so bad
217 To satisfy my human need for flesh?
218 To eat and feed my muscle-hungry friends?
219 RICHARD: Perhaps not. Nonetheless, to take a hind
220 From us is such a crime, my vassals could
221 Without a trial pluck out both your eyes.
222 ROBIN: My liege, without my eyes I could not see
223 The comely king that stands before me. Please!
224 RICHARD: Then maybe we’ll just take a hand or two.
225 ROBIN: Without my hands, how can I reach around
226 And hold you in embrace? I beg your grace.
227 RICHARD: Then just a couple of his fingers. (Aside to SOLDIERS) Bring
228 A whetted blade and board for severing.
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