Deaths Prompt Affordable Long Island Proposed iPod Ban Rail Road Tickets A c t By Joe Rios One SBU student commented, “People are By Jamie Freiermuth fellow student brought up the unaff o r d a b i l- ______just idiots. At a crosswalk, they don't do ______ity of LIRR tickets for students, A n t o n e l l i the simple things, like looking both ways had the bill on the floor. “As a representa- The news rapidly crossed the globe, before crossing. They automatically think Students coming back to Stony Brook tive of the undergraduate student body it is from New York to London to Australia. that just because they are at a crosswalk, met with a surprising expense relief this my obligation and duty to do my best to Just a few days ago, a New York state sen- they are completely safe. There is no spring semester. The USG’s A ff o r d a b l e accommodate their concerns,” he said. ator proposed legislation to make the use excuse for not being aware of your sur- Long Island Rail Road Tickets Act (ALIR- “This was the first time I had actually heard of any technological device in a crosswalk roundings.” This holds especially true on a RT) is now in effect, allowing students to a student complaint as an elected official so subject to a fine similar to jaywalking. campus like Stony Brook, where some stu- purchase their LIRR tickets at a discounted it was extremely important to make sure State Senator Carl Kruger is the man dents don’t even look to see if the road is rate, half off the ticket price to both city something was done.” The USG has behind the legislation, inspired after two clear before stepping out into traffic. dwellers and weekend partiers alike. received a barrage of sarcastic concern pedestrians were killed in crosswalks, both Stony Brook alum and former Press edi- With the markdown, tickets are six and over the years, including many implica- of whom were wearing headphones. tor Sam Goldman spoke briefly on the nine dollars roundtrip to Jamaica and Penn tions of apathy towards student concerns. The legislation does not only targ e t matter from his residence in Brooklyn: Station, respectively. “This program reach- iPods; also included are video gaming “Well, it’s entirely unenforceable. How in es out to anyone who is looking for some “This program reaches devices, blackberries, and cell phones. God’s name is a cop supposed to police o ff-campus entertainment or any other rea- Anyone caught in a this?” son they would like or need to go to NYC,” out to anyone who [...] NYC crosswalk Paul Steeley White said Sophomore USG Senator Joseph using these devices from NYC transporta- Antonelli, the proposing senator, and the would like or need to could face a sum- tion advocacy group recipient of much praise for his work on the get to NYC” mons and a $100 T r a n s p o r t a t i o n a c t . Joseph Antonelli fine. Kruger defends Alternatives spoke on The USG and students alike are pleased Sophomore USG Senator the legislation, citing the matter of this with the A c t ’s student-wide, all-encom- that technology has pedestrian legislation passing nature. The Activities Fee is a Students can purchase the tickets at the become a dangerous Teh Interwebz during an interview l a rge part of an underg r a d u a t e ’s expenses, Student Activity Center’s ticket booth, and distraction: “Yo u iPod Zombie, yes, they exist! with ABC7TV: "iPods and it’s uncommon for the funds to be allot- are limited to four roundtrip tickets per can't be fully aware of your surroundings if don't kill pedestrians. Cars and trucks kill ted to programs all students can partake in, month, one per week, perfect for a resident you're fiddling with a Blackberry, dialing a pedestrians. So instead of blaming the vic- even ones without club affiliation. “It is s t u d e n t ’s weekend commute home. T h e phone number, playing 'Super Mario tim, our elected officials should be passing always nice when you can put the money to trips are off-peak, and the school has Brothers' on a Game Boy or listening to tougher laws for reckless driving." use for something that will affect students ordered 500 tickets to Penn, and 300 to music on an iPod." While the legislation is only being pro- on such a large scale,” said A n t o n e l l i Jamaica, allowing 200 students to take As the news broke, the techno-savvy posed, and the odds of it actually surviving “ U n f o r t u n a t e l y, ideas like this don't happen advantage of the price cut each week. Internet population was in an uproar over as law are extremely low, if anything can very often but, as they come in, I plan to Tickets are not ordered for the Winter or the fact that such preposterous legislation be learned from this controversy, it is that work on them as best as possible.” Summer sessions. According to Section would be even considered. In the streets of common sense truly is needed in order to “This bill is a perfect example of what Two of the Act, A L I R RT is set to be a con- the city, some rejected the notion that leg- survive in the city. Long story short, listen USG is here for,” said Antonelli, alluding tinued tradition by the USG to provide this islation is necessary. Here on campus, stu- to what your mother told you, and look to the bill as his response to an actual stu- service to Stony Brook undergraduate stu- dents thought the legislation to be absurd. both ways before crossing. dent complaint. Just a week or so after a dents. CW Post RA’s Fired Over Mock Hostage V i d e o By Joe Rios removing their positions. Their attor- for teaching us to get along, to respect In addition to the injunction to keep ______n e y, Frederick Brewington, said, “They each other, to know how to live togeth- the Resident Advisors from being fired, are to be left alone.” e r. ” Brewington filed a 2.5 million dollar A mere 45 minutes from Stony The news managed to reach the Meanwhile, back on the Long Island Brook, at Long Island University’s CW national level in a matter of no time, Campus, the five face judicial hearings Post campus, five Resident A s s i s t a n t s , being mentioned in papers and on T V within the university, to determine if “I think it’s not a prank,[...] or Resident Advisors as they are called across the country. Certain parts of the any academic punishments will be at CW Post, are fighting to keep their waged against them. While that is going Campuses are for enlighten - jobs after being dismissed for making a on, the university itself has split into ment and for teaching us to mock hostage video. two camps, those who think that the In the grainy video that was briefly video was offensive, and those who are get along” posted on Yo u Tube, the five Resident supporting the RAs, and believe that the Advisors dressed up in ski masks, hold- whole situation has gotten completely Ghazi Khankan ing a knife to the neck of a yellow rub- out of hand. Some students have gone Board of the American Muslim Alliance ber ducky. In the video, the RA’s spoke as far as starting petitions to support the in what is being defined as “stereotypi- five Resident Advisors. cal middle eastern accents,” saying, Frank Schlegel, a senior at CW p o s t lawsuit on Friday for “wrongful termi- “we demand iPod,” between incoherent, who has lived in Brookville hall his nation and discrimination” at the hands high-pitched screaming. A Bathtub entire academic career, spoke to of the University. One of the RA’s , The university took immediate Rubber Duckie Newsday on We d n e s d a y, stating, “I Robert Bennett, stated that their inspira- action, firing the five Resident Muslim community are outraged about thought it was hysterical. There's no tion came from the box-office hit “Te a m Advisors, and their supervisor, the the video. “I think it's not a prank,” said way it can be seen as these guys are America: World Police”. While that Resident Hall Director for Brookville Ghazi Khankan, a member of the board being racist. It was strictly made for movie was highly successful despite its Hall. The RAs’ lawyer has since filed an of the American Muslim A l l i a n c e , entertainment. They're not troublemak- c o n t r o v e r s y, the Resident Advisors of injunction, keeping the university from “Campuses are for enlightenment and ers of any sort.” C W Post are unlikely to be as fortunate. www.thestonybrookpress.com 2 Compiled By Rebecca Kleinhaut, Madeline Scheckter and Alex Nagler Stonehenge Houses Excavated Palestinians Sign Peace A c c o r d changes in water pressure, corrosive surrounding soil, Researchers believe that they may have found houses On February 8th, the two main feuding factions in pressure from heavy traffic, and, of course, ground of the people who helped to construct Stonehenge. Palestine signed a peace accord that seeks to end fight- movement, which can be caused by frost. MWW s t a t e s Archaeologists working in Durrington Walls, a site that ing and the freeze on the Palestinian government. that half of all water main breaks occur during lies east of Stonehenge, excavated eight houses there at Khaled Meshal of Hamas traveled to Mecca and signed December and January. the end of January. Mike Parker Pearson, a researcher the accord in conjunction with Mahmoud A b b a s , who has been working on the excavations, said that they President of the Palestinian Authority and a prominent also found the outlines of wooden furniture, such as beds leader of Fatah, Hamas’ main rival. In an attempt to and tables, and many animal bones. “We’ve never seen rebuild the Palestinian government, Abbas also reinstat- such quantities of pottery and animal bone and flint,” ed Hamas’ Ismail Haniya as Prime Minister. A c c o r d i n g said Pearson. The researchers believe that these houses to BBC News, Abbas has given Haniya five weeks to were only used for seasonal purposes, and postulate that form a new government. It is projected that the majority people traveled to Durrington to feast and celebrate the of seats will go to members of Hamas, with the remain- dead; many of them had their ashes scattered inside of der housing Fatah members and, according to The New Stonehenge. Researchers have also recently discovered York Times, “independent Palestinians.” The accord another “henge” made of wood, which rests closer to also states that all parties must “respect international D u r r i n g t o n . resolutions and the agreements signed by the Palestine Liberation Organization.” While this may be a symbolic and historic moment, many international leaders are refusing to recognize the new Palestinian government until they make a decision concerning their stance on Israel. Perhaps Brisith foreign secretary Marg a r e t Beckett best sums up the situation with the word “inter- e s t i n g . ” Anna Nicole Smith Dies.

“Doomsday” Vault Announced Anna Nicole Smith was found unresponsive in her The Norwegian government recently approved a plan hotel room on February 8th, only to be pronounced dead to build a five million dollar vault into the side of a on arrival an hour later at a local hospital. While initial mountain. However, it will not be filled with money, but autopsy reports indicate no foul play or drug involve- will become the new home to hundreds of crop seeds ment, a judge ruling on the custody of Smith’s five- that are indigenous to many different areas around the month-old daughter has ordered that Smith’s body be world. The Global Crop Diversity Trust, which is, preserved until February 20th so that a paternity hearing according to its mission statement, an independently can be held. Smith was seen by many to be a figure akin funded group that is seeking to “ensure the conservation to Marilyn Monroe. Salon.com author Cintra Wi l s o n and availability of crop diversity for food security wrote in her obituary of Smith that both Smith and worldwide,” will cover the cost for the “doomsday” Monroe possessed “an unsettlingly powerful physical vault. It will be built approximately three hundred feet b e a u t y, collapsing irresistibly in real time beneath the into the middle of the mountain Spitsburgen on the frailties of its hostess. She was entropy porn at its Svalbard Islands, which lay north of the mainland of f i n e s t . ” N o r w a y. Its location will ensure that the seeds will be properly refrigerated by permafrost in the event of a mechanical failure. According to a press release from Global Crop, the vault will consist of two large main chambers that are capable of holding over three million seeds. Samples will be stored at zero degrees Fahrenheit, allowing many of them to last for decades. Once the Wa t e r Main Breaks, Inconveniences Many vault is built, it is expected that it will only be visited about once a year, ensuring that it will be able to func- On Tu e s d a y, February 6th, many students arrived on tion without much human involvement. The vault is campus to find portions of Circle Road closed and many Barack Obama Running for P r e s i d e n t . expected to be operational by next year. bathrooms marked off with police tape. Many students woke up to discover that they could not shower or use Standing proudly in the same location where the toilets in their rooms. The trouble actually began Abraham Lincoln delivered his famous “A H o u s e late Monday night when a water main near the Centers Divided Against Itself Cannot Stand” speech, another for Molecular Medicine broke. Campus Operations and aspiring Illinois orator threw his hat into the ring for the Maintenance shut down water around 11pm to begin 2008 presidential elections. Barack Obama, son of a repairs. Repairs were completed by the end of the day Kenyan goat herder, became chief editor of the presti- Tuesday; Circle Road remained shut as late as 6 pm. gious Harvard Law Review and had his political star rise Water main breaks are not an uncommon occurrence. quickly after the 2004 Democratic Convention. All com- According to The Water Science and Technology Board, ments by Senator Joe Biden aside, Obama has a good over 200,000 breaks occur each year. According to the chance at becoming the nation’s first A f r i c a n - A m e r i c a n Milwaukee Water Works, main breaks can be caused by p r e s i d e n t .

www.thestonybrookpress.com 3 E d i t o r i a l s Editorial Board The Press Supports The Master Jowy Romano Managing Editor A n d r ew Pernick Giving Romual Aides! Associate Editor Alex Wa l s h We at The Pre s s have not always had the nicest things to say defense of his aides may seem to be a valiant effort, it is under- Business Manager Adina Silverbush about the USG Senate. However, we take pride in the fact that mined by a fascinating trend. Our reporters, who manage to we know enough about their legislation and procedural con- attend every meeting, have noticed that Romual only appears P r oduction Manager Jesse “Gay4U” Schoepfer duct to know when and how to effectively question it. We wish when he has a complaint about something that the Senate does. News Editors that we could say the same about the USG Executive Council. In a letter to the Senate about this latest saga, Romual Rebecca Kleinhaut Madeline Scheckter On February 7th, Ralph Thomas, the Vice President of accused them of trying to “micromanage the affairs of the Clubs and Organizations, stood before the Senate after he was Executive Council,” but are his infrequent appearances and F e a t u res Editor Steve McLinden faced with legislation that would secure his impeachment. backlash at the system really serving to right the situation? It A r ts Editor When asked for his side of the story, Thomas continually seems that his failure to take part in all meetings does not back B e r ta Rezik addressed the senators with direct questions, a move that is not up his claim, but proves that the only matters that the Senate is Photo Editors allowed during the debate of a motion. Thomas asked the sen- trying to micromanage are their own. His sudden appearances Vincent Michael Festa Joey Safdia ators so many questions about the impeachment process that it at certain meetings prove that Romual is only interested in the Copy Editors seemed as if the senators were the ones who were on trial for a ffairs of the Senate when they have something to do with him, Elizabeth Kaplan their jobs. and this behavior only serves to widen the gap between the Alex Nagler This meeting proved to us that Senator Nathan Shapiro was Executive Council and its counterparts in the Senate. We b m a s t e r Chris Wi l l i a m s right on the mark when he accused Thomas of having a “casu- We are disturbed by the Executive Council’s conduct A u d i o m a s t e r al disregard for responsibility.” His behavior during that meet- towards their responsibilities, for if anyone chooses to be a Kristine Renigen ing proved that Thomas did not bother to prepare a defense or part of any organization, they must be prepared to learn about O m b u d s m a n acquaint himself with the proper procedures of the Senate. and respect all aspects of the job, including interdepartmental Rob Pearsall Ralph Thomas failed to fight for his job, and if this is the way communication. While many members of the Senate make it that he treats a threat to his position on the Executive Board, easy for us to ridicule them because of their over- e x u b e r a n c e , one can conclude exactly how seriously he treated the position it is this behavior that lets the student body know that the M i n i s t e r of A r c h i v e s itself. Senate is willing to go above and beyond their regular duties. Joe Rios President Romual Jean-Baptiste made an appearance at the As members of The Stony Brook Pre s s, we hope that the I T M a n a g e r Joe Rios same meeting, but only to fight a piece of legislation that Executive Council continues their current trend of apathy would have cut the hours of the four assistants that work in his towards matters that don’t concern them. This way, we will Distribution Manager Joe Filippazzo o ffice. While Romual’s appearance before the Senate in have more reasons to ridicule them along the way.

Staff Esam Al-Shareffi Mariana Martins Kotei Aoki Leeza Menon Travis Aria Thomas Mets Nicole L. Barry Jamie Mignone Shaun Bennett Claire Mize Melissa Bernardez Dana Murray James Blonde Irv Novoa Lucasz Chelminski Frank Nobiletti Jessica Cordero John O’Dell Caroline D’Agati Karina Offurum Jimmy Del Kerr Laura Positano Joe Donato Michael Prazak Melanie Donovan Nirmala Ramsaran Michael Felder Berta Rezik Amelia Fischer Miguel Sanchez Rob Gilheany Natalie Schultz David K. Ginn Alison Schwartz Sam Goldman Karen Shidlo Joanna Goodman Rose Slupski Paula Guy Christine Tanaka Trevor Hirst Amberly Timperio Mo Ibrahim Claudia Toloza Alexander Kahn Lena Tumasyan Olga Kaplun Marcel Votlucka Michael Kelly Jake Wallace Yve Koon Brian Wasser Larry Lamb Ricky Whitcomb Joan Leong Matt Willemain Antony Lin Brian Wong Melissa Lobel Ed Zadorozny

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In response to: To Stony Brook’s “Band of Brothers” Devoting words in such an editorial to attack the presi- where the most sacred form of patriotism seems to be this act dent and his policies, as the beginning of an editorial that of "serving" your country by being a part of the machine “We choose not to enter this debate.” If you do not shows our support of our classmates, our friends, our lovers, which, in the end, actually harms our country, our future, and already know this, then you should be told; silence is more our family members, would not only have been inappropri- our world more than it does good (a fact of which those in damaging than dissent. If you choose to question a war, ate, it would have been in bad taste. These men and women power are well aware). T h i s is the highest manifestation of whether you agree with it or not, you have a voice. And are leaving behind the peace and safety of civilian life for patriotism? A sad day indeed when acts of violence, acts of with that voice you can change things. To be silent is to be the uncertainty and hellishness of a war where every serving destructive institutions, are praised as paramount per- invisible. You do not care what happens in this world or to American is seen as the enemy, and saluting them while, at sonal and national achievements. Such is the fault in our con- other people? You would rather be silent than hurt some- the same time, also attacking the very war where they may dition, and such is the fault of anyone who commits them- one’s feelings? Well I am sorry that you feel that way, but very well be laying down their lives would be an affront to selves to such a regressive endeavor. This twisted form of your job is to speak about the issues that are important and their sacrifices. patriotism, which has had us under its spell these past few about wars that are unjust. Your job is to represent a student Thus, we chose to omit the debate of how the president’s years, this seemingly highest and most sacred form, is the body who feels that way. Part of the job of the Press is to decisions are horrendous, and thus his long history of mak- most illusionary, the most delusional, the most false... be a campus-wide forum for events that are happening in ing mistake after mistake, costing life after precious life, because it is based on this obsession with superficial acts of the world. If you forfeit that duty then you should not be a and thus we chose to focus on sending off our classmates, "good deed," acts which we have been led to believe to be newspaper. Most of the atrocities that have occurred in this our friends, our lovers, our family members, with as posi- noble. Such is our obsession with the troops and their valor, world have been discovered and reported by journalists. tive a tone as possible, leaving the debate about the war for a valiancy which proves disastrous in the big picture. Why is And it is because of these voices that lives have been another day. fighting in a war more patriotic than fighting for peace? saved. What would you have said during the Vietnam Even a cursory reading of our past issues, dating back to There is more to national identity than those cliché moments War? “We choose not to enter this debate because even the first rumors of a planned invasion of Iraq, would reveal of glory. though this war is an atrocity, and even though thousands our position on how heinous, how downright sinful, such an Now I’m not saying that its entirely the troops fault for of Americans are losing their lives, we are going to stick by invasion is. Thus, choosing to take a back seat for one edi- joining. The conditions in modern American society make the troops and not discuss this war because that is how we torial is, in the grand scheme of things, given how much ink enlisting a very enticing option. What I a m saying is that show our support for the men and women in uniform.” we have devoted to challenging the Bush administration totalitarianism is patriotism institutionalized. This is why its What if nobody ever questioned anything simply because and fostering debate about the very issues at hand, not as big so sad to me that the Press, with its apparent history of “anti- bringing it up might upset somebody? The highest form of an issue as you make it out to be. establishment” currents, chooses not to comment on an esca- patriotism is to look after the well-being of the men and You can take it from me, we are as entrenched in our lation of war. Sure, the Press can write, or not write, what it women in uniform by fighting for their release from sui- opposition to this war in all of its forms as possible. We wants. But to deprive your readers of critical thinking on an cide missions! Not to be a silent newspaper that won’t dis- have protested, we have written, we have screamed, shout- important global issue shows a troubling laziness. And your cuss the illegitimate war that is being fought, but fight to ed, and made our voices known. And we will continue to excuse, the fear of “hurting the feelings of” those who are bring the troops home for good. At this time in history, we do so. We do not shy away from debates. The one thing probably pretty used to criticism of the war in which they need more and more people to speak up and speak out that must be made clear is that there is a time and a place for participate, ends up sounding like a hollow, cheesy, feel-good when they are upset or happy about the direction that the all of this, and the editorial you take issue with was neither. moment on Montel. W h a t ’s more, your vapid avoidance of world is going in. We DO NOT need silence and we never I promise you, we, as an editorial board, are against this c o n t r o v e r s y, of tackling issues, is belittling to all who want will! w a r, and we will continue to be against it, and we will con- this war to end, because it’s just an expansion of the glorifi- tinue fostering debate and bringing attention to how much cation of violence, of disrespect, and of finding excuses for —Sarah Wa s s e r of a miserable failure the entire endeavor has been and is, passively going along with whatever garbage is thrown at us until it is over. All I did, speaking on behalf of the editori- from those who profit from our malaise. We all support our troops, especially myself. You support them by hoping they Ms. Wasser, al board, with their full, informed consent, was have the paper take a back seat for but one piece. Trust me, trust this don't die and saying a prayer as they go off to war. I support p a p e r, we will debate and oppose this war until it is over. them in fighting for a situation in which they won't die and As the author of the editorial “To Stony Brook’s ‘Band of you won’t cry. I don't just sit back and weep as I see empty Brothers,’” I elected to represent The Pre s s in responding to —Andrew Pernick, seats in classrooms. The best thing we can do to support them your letter. The statement to which you take offense, “We Managing Editor is to criticize what is being done to them, and to the world, to choose not to enter this debate,” should be considered with- criticize as much as possible so that we don't have to pray in the context of The Pre s s’ long history of debating the everytime we see that empty seat. Shame on you, Press. very same issue, namely President Bush’s unjust and unwar- Re: “To Stony Bro o k ’s Band of Bro t h e r s ” Doing what is unexpected of you doesn’t make you pro- ranted invasion of Iraq, a war that has cost this country, and found. Criticism can be more patriotic than donning a uni- this country’s citizens, dearly. Ludwig Feuerbach once said: “..for the present age…the form for the simple reason that, in the long run, the former We have published, over the years, numerous pieces, highest degree of illusion comes to be the highest degree of seeks progress while the latter, in all its pomp and pageantry, from hard news to editorials to Op/Ed’s, that have criticized sacredness.” We live not in an age of terror, but in an age of furthers societal stagnation. T h a t ’s the real tragedy… and the war and the president. Members of The Pre s s have, on symbol...an age of representative, manufactured, illusionary, t h a t ’s why I feel bad for our troops. Can’t you see that war as countless occasions, made our voices heard – we have had controlled forms of interpreting the world around us. We live in an event is completely different from the humans who die in s t a ffers and editors rally at the RNC, participate in Die-Ins, an age where the surface projection of something is what seems it. Supporting troops doesn’t necessitate ignoring the events protests, marches, letter-writing campaigns, and I myself, to matter. We live in a soundbyte age where purchasing a which affect them. on the eve of the very war at issue, joined the rally and bumper sticker with colors that don't run is more patriotic than And remember, people obsessed with waiving flags don’t march from the SAC to the office of the Congressman for actually doing our nation good and working towards a better deserve to have one. this district. human condition. We live in a time when watching T V, or sign- What s h o u l d have been added to that sentence, what I ing into myspace, alone in our rooms somehow makes us feel — Tom Rahsan should have said, at the conclusion of the sentence at issue, connected. We live in an era when the color of the terror- t h r e a t was the phrase “in this editorial.” That would have made scale determines how we view world events, when Jesus the M r. Rahsan, our stance abundantly clear. The current editorial policy of man is less important than the symbol white America has made As the author of the editorial to which you take this paper is that we, as an editorial board and as a paper, him, and when wearing a Che shirt is more important than offense, I have elected to respond to you in officio and ex should endeavor, whenever possible, to make our pieces as b e i n g r e v o l u t i o n a r y. officio, simultaneously. The Press does not, as you relevant to the student body. We represent the student body, A subconscious obsession with the superficial: such is the claim, “praise…the [actions]” taken by President Bush and thus our content should do the same. Thus, in the edi- patriotism of the act of willingly entering a war, regardless of its in his invasion of Iraq, nor do we, as an editorial board, torial to which you take offence, I elected, with the support i m m o r a l i t y. Such an act, combined with our praise of the act, support his decision to send more troops to a failure. We of the editorial board, to address those in the student body falls within the culture that induces fixation with violence and support the troops themselves. Your claim that we who would be leaving our university to fight in this unjust cold indifference to fellow humanity, ultimately allowing our “deprive [our] readers of critical thinking on an impor- w a r. leaders to create such wars in the first place. We live in an age Continued on next page www.thestonybrookpress.com 5 L e t t e r s

Continued from previous page administration over a campus-wide failure, specifically who would be leaving our student body to fight in this tant global issue” is, unfortunately, incorrect. Even the the abominable meal plan we have had forced down our unjust war; our means of using tact to address said stu- most cursory of browsings through our past issues would throats. dents was to omit addressing the illegality and immorality show article after article, editorial after editorial, fostering You unfortunately have not, it seems, read enough of of the war in this one instance, saving our ink and our debate, expressing outrage, showing dissent, and other- our paper to realize how clear we have made our position words for future pieces. wise making the stances of the editorial board and our on this war. Members of our staff and editorial board have Our failure to devote each and every piece on this war staff members, as individuals, known. participated in protesting this war in every way you can to attacking it does not mean, in any way, shape or form, We have a long history of challenging the established imagine. I myself, the author of the editorial to which you that we support it. The omission of verbiage attacking the order. Time after time we have devoted voluminous take offense, have protested this war on innumerable war and the president who started it in one, single instance amounts of ink to providing our readers with as much occasions. simply means that we are choosing our battles. There is a information as possible about this war. We have written While The Press, considered as a paper in toto, is an time and a place for everything, and in the instance of the until our fingers bled, so to speak. Your accusation that “open forum,” the stance of the majority here is that we editorial to which you take offense, that was neither the we have a “vapid avoidance of controversy” is baseless, are against this war, and against this president. We are a time nor the place. given our content. To name our most blatant controversial student paper, comprised of students, and thus it is the pol- We support our troops. We are against this war. I do act, we have run an article where the photo accompanying icy of the editorial board, and it is an aim of this paper, to not believe I can make our stance on this any clearer than said piece was blatantly pornographic. This paper’s histo- make our articles as relevant to the student body we rep- that. ry is one of creating controversy by informing our readers resent as possible. Thus, in the editorial to which you take of problems that they might not know even exist. This offense, we chose to use tact, feeling that discretion is the —Andrew Pernick, very issue is, in a sense, devoted to starting controversy, better part of valor, when we addressed the students, the Managing Editor by provoking a standoff between the students and the classmates, the friends, the lovers, the family members P re s s, tributed to their ghettoization in the statewide electoral Green candidates could have been accomplished with process, and subverts the functioning of the competitive minimal layout competence. Beyond that, allowing form Word can't express my disappointment with your delib- mechanism in elections which could allow the public to to dictate significant editorial decisions is bad newspaper- erate decision to cut legitimate Green Party candidates out shape foreign policy. ing. of your Issue 4 elections guide. In addition to a show of The right to associate (as in political parties) and to vote After speculating that Andrew may have subordinated disrespect for your readers and for our democracy, your are the most fundamental to our society, and to limit the public interest to Democratic loyalties, I anticipate act of repression amounts to an endorsement of the inva- debate to a false choice denies the voting rights of every some may argue that my efforts are those of a self interest- sion and ongoing occupation of Iraq, a devastating policy New Yorker who, if informed, might have chosen the ed Green partisan. That argument would ignore that error of incalculable human suffering. Greens. Quoting your editorial on the election, "everyone sometimes the apparent self interests of parties in a dis- This exclusion of Greens was not a mistake and it was has a right to an informed opinion." Every Press editor, pute can match or oppose the public interest. not an inevitability. I exchanged emails or dialogs with, either through their active participation in the decision- An example would be the dispute between Democrats among others, three of the Press' four executive board making that lead to the unfortunate exclusion or through and Republicans in the national legislation around the last members (Jowy Romano, Andrew Pernick and A l e x their neglect, share responsibility for the Press' coverage, US Census. The technique of the census undercounts eth- Walsh) on the subject well in advance of the completion of as well as (in a small way) for every monstrous outcome nic minorities and the poor. The Democrats argued for the the issue. I responded helpfully to the Press' requests to of the consequently undisputed Iraq policy. use of modern statistical techniques to adjust the figures to personally assist in an inclusive expansion of the Press' I can't help but speculate that this is the result of the edi- more accurately reflect the population, the Republicans elections content. I appeared in person to inform Press torial board's deferring important decision making to a wanted to continue the current procedure, which was writ- editors, who have ready communication access to me, that partisan with cronyistic personal connections to the ten before the invention of the statistical techniques--tech- written copy and photographs (perfectly consistent with Democratic Party, your Managing Editor Andrew Pernick. niques that would do the job better. News coverage of the the Press' coverage of corporate candidates) were submit- Jowy responded with silence to the emails to which he debate largely focused on the expected consequences. ted to the paper by email. was cc'd, Alex at first seemed to think that Andrew's ini- Because the census results are used to draw the district The case for the inclusion of the Green candidates, tial decisions about how to begin the project were invio- maps for congressional seats, it was said that the which I presented clearly to the Press before the elections lable, and then later seemed to take my concerns serious- Democrats and Republicans were both acting to get more guide was completed, is a no-brainer. Greens like US ly. But Andrew, confronted with the suggestion of inclu- seats in Congress. If ethnic minorities and the poor were Senate candidate Howie Hawkins and Attorney General sive coverage, responded with a shifting litany of reasons accurately counted, geographically their communities candidate Rachel Treichler were recognized as bona fide not to include the Greens which I think can be fairly char- would get a larger share of the fixed number of congres- by respected nonpartisan actors like the League of Women acterized as bullshit. I will cite specific examples. sional seats. But the issue of partisan interest here Voters, which withdrew sponsorship of debates from Late that Saturday night or Sunday morning, he told me obscures the public interest. The people who are missed which the Greens were excluded. The Green candidates that the editors had put in sixteen hours on the project, and by the census exist, and they deserve to be counted, and stood for a well articulated policy platform entirely dis- that including the Greens would have meant changing therefore represented in Congress, no matter which party tinct in many important ways from the consensus between horses midstream and starting over from scratch. The sug- that will advantage. the corporate parties. On the biggest issues facing voters, gestion that all the work previously accomplished would Similarly, New York voters deserve a free and fair elec- like the ongoing occupation of Iraq, ecology, redistribu- need to be discarded would be wrong even if he hadn't tion where all parties and all policy options are represent- tive economics, clean and accessible politics and civil lib- grossly exaggerated the closeness to completion. In fact, ed. As a Green I want to see my candidates treated fairly, erties, the Green position is not only a unique voice in as the coverage was composed of short, modular articles but we all benefit from the inclusion of Greens in the elections, but it is the voice of the majority of New on individual candidates, including the Greens would debate. Competitive elections with a broad range of Yorkers--not only their clear self interest but their existing have only amounted to inserting 200 words on each of options are essential to making elections meaningful. opinions as expressed through polling. four candidates into the otherwise undisturbed project-- There is no after-the-fact remedy to this problem; the Most significantly, the corporate candidates at the top copy which I provided satisfactorily along with photo- 2006 elections are over. This is precisely why I didn't of the ticket (candidates such as Hillary Clinton, John graphs. wait, and brought this matter to Press leadership attention Spencer, Elliot Spitzer and John Faso) were all supporters Andrew also told me that great care had gone into far enough in advance of the completion of issue 4 to eas- of the long term continuing occupation of Iraq; according designing the clean layout of the spread, and intimated ily address the paper's deficient coverage. to virtually every analyst, the Iraq war was the central that the page design would be throw into disarray if the I am left wondering why this happened. question in the election. The Press' willful editorial deci- Greens were included. While the Press does an OK job at sion to marginalize the Greens (the antiwar party) con- layout, it is not a fragile work of art. Finding space for the — Matt Wi l l e m a i n

www.thestonybrookpress.com 6 Dedication to Lt. Ehren Watada

By Mai Luong constitutionally protected First Amendment would very quickly end up imprisoned. ilization then the notion that people can be right of freedom of speech? Are we fighting Instead, we were jubilant when just as made democratic by the use of military hren Watada was the first commis- ’to bring democracy’ to others q u i c k l y, the U.S. Army judge force against them. At its core, democracy sioned officer to publicly say the war while losing our own freedoms? declared a mistrial and the gov- is based on non-violent dissent. Ehren Ein Iraq was immoral and illegal and As the Asian A m e r i c a n ernment’s case was in disarray. Watada has given us a rare demonstration of to refuse to go. He had enlisted after 9/11 Journal staff was putting together We chose to dedicate this issue to the true power of democracy - by choosing because he was willing to fight for what he the Fall / Winter 2006-2007 AAJ the man the non-profit media resistance to an unjust war, rather than believed was the freedom and democracy of issue with a theme about life organization, Truthout, called a silence and complicity. …War in America his country. When he became convinced changing decisions that we each “true leader of men.” Truthout rages too. The war here is for freedom and that Americans had been lied to in order to make, we knew that our decisions gave Watada its first Freedom d e m o c r a c y, as surely as any war ever attack a country that had nothing to do with were small in comparison to the and Democracy Award. Below is fought… Our battle, like any other, needs that terrorism, that we were killing innocent decision Ehren some of what leaders. The U.S. Army trained Lt. Watada people, violating the Geneva Convention, Watada had made. Truthout’s Director, to be “a leader of men.” He is leading the and that American soldiers were dying in an During the final Marc Ash, wrote men and women of our armed services in unjust war, he asked to be able to resign or week of layout, his about the Wa t a d a . speaking out… He is inspiring Americans to be sent to Afghanistan where al Queda is trial began, and each S e e who are struggling to make real the promise believed to really be. The U.S. A r m y day we read how the w w w. t r u t h o u t . o r g of freedom and democracy in this country.” refused. He was told if he did not go he government was for the full text. The Americans at the AAJ are proud would be charged with refusing deploy- refusing to let him “Perhaps most of Lt. Ehren Watada. The Asian Americanss ment. Watada chose trial and possible discuss his beliefs or importantly, he has are doubly proud. AAJ salutes him for con- imprisonment instead. When he publicly to bring expert wit- reminded us that the tinuing the long and hard but dedicated tra- spoke about his beliefs at anti-war events, nesses to discuss the most courageous dition of Asian Americans fighting for he was also charged with conduct unbecom- w a r ’s immorality battles are often not American freedom and democracy. Thank ing an officer. This raised a new issue. Does and illegality. We assumed, as did everyone fought with a gun, but with resolve. No you Lieutenant Watada! putting on a uniform mean one loses the including Watada and his family, that he falsehood stands as a greater affront to civ- Lunar New Year - Year of the Pig E-Zine Cabinet to Cabinet Social

By Maria Ng and couplets. Each scroll is engraved with By Chetan Prabhudesai ties, and performance groups. blessings and wishes for happiness, wealth, For many good laughs, icebreakers he Lunar New Year is an important and longevity. Children figures in tradition- ach year [AA]2 AA E-Zine brings like The Human Knot really do work. annual celebration for more than a al Asian garments are hung in doorways. together the cabinets of the Asian Instead of name tags, each person is given Tquarter of the world's population. They are seen as the personification of Eand Asian American student clubs the name of someone they must find and Each year, the Lunar New Year falls on a "good luck." and org a n i z a - each learns d i fferent day according to the We s t e r n These preparations lead up to the tions at Stony about the other. (Gregorian) calendar. This is because the beginning of the New Year. Surprisingly, Brook. Zaniest of all is Western calendar is based on solar, the beginning of the celebration While the Speed Naming. not lunar, movements. Each Lunar occurs not on New Years Day, by on rest of the cam- The winner not Year is associated with a specific ani- New Year's Eve. On the night of pus stereotypes only knows mal. This year, the Lunar New Year New Year's Eve, families gather Asians as a each person’s falls on February 18, 2007. This day together to eat a large feast, tradi- m o n o l i t h i c name but their will signify the beginning of the Year tionally including seafood and group, this is an club and beats of the Pig (Boar) and the end of the dumplings. The food that is chosen opportunity for his opponent by Year of the Dog. has a specific significance. Like the decora- student leaders saying both The Lunar New Year is associated tions, they symbolize prosperity, good luck, who may never first. with many traditions. It is a time dedicated longevity and happiness. After the feast, the come in contact with each other to meet The dream is that instead of one night to family. Traditionally, the New Year was family will stay up to play games and talk their peers at a night of good food and good a year, someday clubs will have their own highlighted with a religious ceremony that until midnight. At the stroke of twelve, fire- conversation. There are almost 60 Asian shared space where they can meet daily honored the gods and the family's ances- works are set off to bring in the New Year. interest groups including traditional cultur- and really build a dynamic and interactive tors. The Lunar New Year lasts for fifteen The Lunar New Year is a highly antic- al ones, media, sports, fraternities, sorori- community. days. The celebration begins on New Year's ipated annual holiday. Many Asian and Eve with the onset of the new moon, and Asian-American organizations sponsor ASIAN AMERICAN JOURNAL ends with the Festival of the events to celebrate this impor- Lanterns fifteen days later tant day. Of particular interest ONLINE! when the full moon appears. may be Chinatown's Lunar Preparations for the New New Year Festival celebration Years may begin weeks before on Feb 18 or the Tet Lunar the actual day. The Lunar New New Year Reception on Feb I Year is a time of renewal. 15. A few of Stony Brook C N There are many traditions and University's clubs are sponsor- A O rituals associated with this ing events on campus. T h e M P important holiday. However, Asian Student Alliance (ASA) A they all center upon the central themes of is hosting a New Year's celebration on Tues, I R liveliness, prosperity, good luck and happi- Feb 13. The Chinese Association at Stony N I ness. Superstitions are followed so that the Brook (CASB) is hosting its event Wed, J G N family may have a happy and prosperous Feb 14. For details and a complete listing of T year. events, refer to the Long Island - Metro NY In their preparations for the New Year, Asian and Asian American Community families will clean their houses from top to Calendar, found on the Asian American E- bottom. The expulsion of dirt symbolizes Zine website, or click on the following link: www.aa2sbu.org/aaj the expulsion of bad luck. Families will h t t p : / / w w w. a a s q u a r e d . o rg / c a l e n d a r / c a l e n- also decorate the house with paper scrolls dar.pl. Wanted! Writers, photographers, and Weekly meetings Fridays 4:30PM at our www.aa2sbu.org/aaezine excerpts in SB Press Vol 4 No 2 February 2007 all students interested in media. office in Student Union 071. www.thestonybrookpress.com 7 By: Adina Silverbush only member of the executive board real- ators also receive aide, an idea that was Maiorella said, “We always work in cir- ______ly deserving of aides since “She has been laughed at, but indeed helped to prove his cles, why not postpone this too?” T h u s working very hard getting P.A.S.S and point to several of his fellow senators. was the attitude of most of the senators Another exciting USG senate meeting Alert off the ground.” Baptiste was criticized in his who always seem to be arguing issues took place Tu e s d a y, January 30th at 8:15 He felt that the USG’s elected off i- request for more aides then any previous instead of working out solutions. Senator pm. The gallery, as well as the senate cials should be doing their own jobs that USG president has ever received and Romano put on his jacket and got ready to seats were filled (a rare occurrence). they were elected to do, not putting their asked by one senator, “What have you leave when he was silenced towards the President Romual Jean Baptist was in responsibilities on hired help. W h e n done that no other president has done, that end of the meeting after he spoke out of attendance as well as several vice presi- President Baptiste was given an opportu- warrants you needing all these extra turn. dents, class reps., and members of the nity to discuss his executive boards need aides?” Baptiste’s response was with Senator Esam al-Shareffi pointed out Student Activities Board. for more aides his response according to a n g e r, “Are you insulting my intelli- the obvious during open agenda, that the As the two hours of the USG senate Shapiro, gave “No justification for why gence?” agenda they covered didn’t affect the stu- meeting went on, debates became heated they need aides, and he could not come up This fight over aides went on for dents. It was only in the last two min- over whether or not the USG president with any reason other then we’ll be firing so long that Senator Hurst put his head utes that the possible addition of a new was entitled to multiple aides to help him people if these aides were eliminated.” down and looked as if he was sleeping. It DEC B, “Journalism and News Literacy, ” fulfill his duties, as well as whether the Senator Robert Romano, in defending the seems to be a trend with USG senate was mentioned and that the sale of half V P ’s should be given the same help. aides gave the same justification, saying, meetings that they waste all their time price LIRR tickets would begin in the Senator Shapiro was adamant to stop this “ We shouldn’t fire people just because talking about themselves. The USG SAC. In regards to USG making a better from occurring. He spoke out in open we’re not sure what purpose they serve.” Activities Board By-Laws were also dis- e ffort to reach out to students, one sena- criticism about the work the vice presi- Shapiro, to show the ridiculous nature of cussed but were postponed until next t o r ’s plan to have a meet and greet with dents are currently doing and said Chinelo having aides for all eleven members of week for a vote. In response to voting to students had not received a single Onochie, V P of Academic A ffairs, was the the executive board, proposed that all sen- postpone these bylaws, Senator Matt response from his fellow senators.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 8 Focus

By Jonathan Singer one number one, included 50 pages by 21 liberation, Koppelman still teaches her nist because I embrace motherhood so ______artists. students that full equality has not been m u c h . ” Focus volumes one through seven ran reached. Her second essay, “Not one inch of this Only 90 Stony Brook students are reg- from 1994 to 2002 without interruption. “Many people think the feminist revo- fucking rage leaks through. One bite,” istered as Wo m e n ’s Studies majors. T h e “Sweetly manicured to deceive/ lution is over,” argues Koppelman. “Many (page 30) interweaves her fiction with d e p a r t m e n t ’s offices are limited to a few Rebuilding civilization from dusk to people are in denial that things haven’t passages from Eve Ensler’s The Good rooms in the already small Old Chemistry eve…” writes Lisa Gattis in her poem changed.” The professor remembers hav- B o y. “…What happened to that nice, Building. Senior Katie Sheean is one of “ Wo m e n ’s Hands (vol.4 no.2 p.20). ing a male student enrolled in one of her f u n n y, not hilarious, girl inside? I think those 90 students. After four years of edu- The abrupt end in 2002 had become classes. She asked why he was there, and s h e ’s lost in mounds of fat…” cation in the field, Sheean has learned that somewhat of a myth when new students the student replied, “Because there are “It feels awesome to bring it back,” she women need an outlet where they can became interested in bringing Focus back. women.” says. “It has been a lot of hard time and voice their opinions. “A lot of people want “I actually don't know why it stopped. I At the other end, Koppelman has work, but it's worth it because nothing to know they have a voice.” She says. wasn't around back then,” says Christa observed female college students who else on campus has an open forum like What Stony Brook does have are Liotta, who heard about Focus through the enroll in universities simply because they o u r s . women interested in the issues. Each Wo m e n ’s Studies department (back issues want to find a husband that will support Sheean, Liotta, and the other editors semester many students are drawn to the are available in their office). Dr. Connie them as a housewife. d o n ’t care whether or not a student is a twenty-six or so Wo m e n ’s Studies classes. Koppelman is the faculty advisor for But Koppelman knows that there are die-hard, card-carrying feminist. The jour- But roughly half of those courses are co Focus. She has held that position since male feminists. Men have always been nal is also not limited to the Wo m e n ’s listed with history, english, or sociology 1994. She is one of the only people who encouraged to submit work to Focus. “We Studies department. Any student within classes, most of them taught by professors know what the first run of Focus was like. want men to submit,” says Sheean, who is any major is welcome to submit to Focus. in those respective departments. T h a t ’s Koppelman supervised the spring 1996 currently the art editor of Focus. Every issue of Focus in both the first because Wo m e n ’s Studies has only nine edition, when editor Kathleen Heiser After a four-year hiatus, volume eight and second run has used the last two pages professors, and many of them simply ful- wrote, “I see feminism as a support sys- was finally released last spring. Everyone to list “Services for Women.” Planned fill DEC requirements tem designed to lift women from the idea is still encouraged to submit. “[Men] give Parenthood has been featured in every While the department that teaches fem- that they are worthless and encourage us the publication a different perspective, issue (631-361-7526.) Vol.8 No.1 listed an inism may be the smallest, there is an out- to take charge of our lives…” That essay [and] it’s always nice to get an all around AIDS hotline (631-385-2437) and T h e let where women can voice their opinions. was titled “What Does Feminism Mean to picture of gender issues.” S u ffolk County Mental Health Hotline Most students don’t know that Stony You?” Liotta is now the editor of Focus. Her ( 6 3 1 - 9 5 2 - 3 3 3 3 . ) Brook has its own feminist journal. Focus The answer to that question is still open list of published topics includes sexual Due to budgetary restraints, New Focus on Women, on Diversity is a school publi- to interpretation. abuse, domestic violence, racism, clas- is published once a year (they are recog- cation that publishes poetry, essays, short “I think people are afraid of the word sism, sexism, and ethnicity. Naturally, nized as a club by SGA.) Sheean says, “A stories, and visual art, each piece address- “feminism” because they don’t under- “The list goes on,” she says. lot of people want to know they have a ing a different women’s issue. stand what it means,” says Koppelman. Two of Liotta’s essays are featured in voice,” and encourages students to check In the first issue of Focus, then editor Her basic explanation is that “all feminists the first issue of New Focus. In out old issues of Focus at the Wo m e n ’s Lois Bressler introduced the journal as “a believe in the equality of men and “Motherhood,” (page 28) her character Studies office (Old Chem Room 105.) window into women.” That issue, volume women.” After many years of women’s says, “I’ve been told that I can’t be femi- “ You might learn something,” she says.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 9 More Kotei! Not Interested to Learn like having meal points and not using them. She apparently learns the social I often hang around the RA’s office. It’s skills and probably has better communica- not that I get snuggled, nor that my suite- tion skills. She told me she liked mate is an RA, I’m just friends with some Psychology in high school, so there is a of them. One night, I was spiced up with field of study in which she can become East Indian cracker. One girl came into the interested. Just do it. room. I had a hot conversation with that On that note, I was talking to one of our A-wing resident. My smackdown was members in the Golden Key International What to Note about Valentine's Day triggered by one sentence. “I don’t like Honor Society after their general body learning.” meeting. We were talking about the fact He was a murderer. So I improvised a friend. It was in February 14, 269 A D . As a devoted scientist, I could not that Stony Brook’s most-declared major is possible story according to the myth Here are some interesting statistics. understand how one would be indiff e r e n t P s y c h o l o g y. Perhaps, learning about peo- while chatting with my friends. On The Greeting Card Association approx- to learning. It is awesome to learn. It is a ple is probably far more interesting than Valentine's Day, couples exchange imates that over one billion valentines privilege to be able to explain to myself learning about plate tectonics. T h a t ’s it! I poems, cards, candy and flowers. T h e i r are sent every year and that women pur- some phenomenon I encounter every day. bet. I love behavioral studies. gifts are often in the shape of hearts. A s chase 85% of all Valentines Day cards. When I plan to stargaze, I don’t look for Saint Valentine was a murderer, the H o w e v e r, I need to clarify something. stars in the city. The luminosity of city heart-shaped gifts in red packages rep- The statistics do not imply that women lights prevents the faint stars. So I had to Donate Money? We Need 'Em To o . resent the murder and the bloodshed should send gifts on Valentine's Day. ask her, “Why did you decide to attend rather than the passionate love. The holiday is gender neutral. Either college?” I don’t mean to be stingy. I just feel that Hours after I made up the story, I gender can send gifts and both genders There must be many college students I have seen too many calls for donations went on the Internet to confirm the can exchange them. Tangible items like who attend colleges to get jobs. this semester. Donate for this. Donate on myth. Of course there was no informa- Statistically employees with college that. Because I will bribe you with cakes, degree earn tens of thousands of dollars you better bring some greens. This is a tion to support it. First I thought the “[...] Valentinius of myth was deliberately removed since more than ones with just high school great cause so hand in your money. I just the Roman Catholic Church erased the Alexandria. He was a diplomas. But the problem is that these asked how much should I donate out of holiday from its calendar in 1969. T h e students do not even like learning. T h e y our thin pockets or else where should I history behind the establishment of gnostic teacher and a priest” may have passed high school by studying donate money? Do I rate who suffers the Valentine's Day proved me wrong. a few days before exams. We can’t use m o s t ? People usually think Valentine's Day candies are not the only things involved that strategy any longer. There is a reason Personally I do not work part-time or at is named after one martyr called Saint in Valentine's Day. Basically it's your why college students take fewer courses a a paid internship for that matter. I tend to Valentine. But the history tells that the choice to do what on the day. You can day and fewer courses in each semester. think about spending as little as possible. holiday can be attributed to at least send any gift that is appropriate with M o r e o v e r, in college we ought to learn It came out to about $80 per month last three martyred men named Va l e n t i n i u s respect to the relationship with the per- more than class material, what it takes to s e m e s t e r. Without making any money, I during the time of Emperor Claudius II. son. You may just plan to spend time live beyond classrooms. may look a slacker. My friends take sever- The records of their lives do not exist. with the person as long as it'll be some- You know, the salary statistics that the al part-time jobs per semester. On top of The most prominent figure that associ- thing special for both of you. It is media occasionally pick up only concern jobs, some of them take enough credits to indeed difficult to come up with some- those “with college degrees.” I’m not real- be considered as full-time students to live thing original. Here are a few sugges- ly sure about that. After all we get college on campus. Especially for the part-time tions I found on the Internet (how can I degrees by C’s. Surely, someone out there workers, they work for federal grants such give advice for something I have never manages to receive a C in every single as work-study. As a matter of the fact, they experienced?) Keep skimming even if course. He will certainly have a college get work-study because they need finan- you are not dating; it may be a good ref- degree. But I can’t imagine that employers cial support by the federal government for erence for your future. will not look at his transcript. paying off their tuition bills, and the rest Commit to learn or despise to learn. needs to be allotted to their loans. Wi t h o u t Each of us surely has right to choose. Not federal support, some students are still in 1. The gifts like poems and songs are learning in college is no more successful need of money. You can imagine. romantic, seem appropriate for the day, than working after high school. In fact, it See, sparing a dollar for each donation huh? Your gifts can be fun as a board is a loss to attend college while not learn- “opportunity” sounds good and it only game that you two can enjoy together. ing. While attending college, you lose amounts to be $20 if there are 20 such 2. Some people think good gifts are money because you compromised the occasions. What bogs me, to think back to expensive. Sometimes it is true but your opportunity to earn it. However, there are the situation of choosing one donation main goal is to buy gifts that are mean- still ways for making good money. Not over the other, is their marketing strategy. i n g f u l . learning how to do class work, like alge- Their intonations sometimes imply, “If 3. Flowers, cards, or candies are good bra homework, won’t hurt much. T h e you don’t donate, you’re a selfish person.” Aphrodite gifts. You should prepare gifts that are classy question goes, “How useful is the They are right. But tuition keeps inflating. Valentinius of Alexandria o r i g i n a l . Pythagorean Theorem?” True, I don’t use Textbooks are more expensive than ever. ated romantic love with February 14th 4. If your relationship is in an early it every day even though I’m AMS major. The rumor is that the school is planning to is Valentinius of Alexandria. He was a stage, you might get flowers and a card. Without learning class material, you can mandate the meal plan, which is raising gnostic teacher and a priest. In the late If you are in a serious relationship, the still find something that really interests the minimum. Bronze plan used to cost third century, Emperor Claudius sought sources suggest eveningwear. W h e t h e r you. Sociology majors can look for jobs in around $1,100 in 2004. Now it’s over to expand his army. To increase the this information sounds inappropriate fashion. If they have a genuine interest, $1,300 and the tax reduces the useable ranks of his army, he created preposter- or not, the gist is that you spend some adequate skills and enthusiasm about points by 300! ous laws to ban wedding ceremonies. time to select gifts, listen to what is work, they will make a decent living. No Meanwhile, I still donate to some caus- Under the law, Valentinius secretly per- mentioned in conversations and pick up doubt. College transcripts should not es. I understand the marketers must put formed them for young couples. Soon on hints. interfere much. some force into asking for donations, but he was caught, jailed, and executed. So I decided to tell her to develop her c o u l d n ’t they be more tactful? If forcible While in jail, he received letters from Well, do not get obsessed with interest in learning as long as she thinks it education doesn’t work for people, his supporters. On the day he was Valentine's Day. Enjoy it as you would is essential for her to stay in college. Not forcible request can’t possibly work beheaded, he sent a letter to his female enjoy every day. learning something out of taking classes is e i t h e r, right? www.thestonybrookpress.com 10 Chaucer, Lupercalia, and Greeting Cards By Andrew Pernick Beltaine). So one is left to decide whether ______to go along with the American Greeting Card A s s o c i a t i o n ’s perversion of history The day of heart-shaped boxes of and follow Chaucer, or whether to hold off chocolates, red-ribboned gifts, and greet- on that box of Russell-Stover’s until A p r i l . ing cards is upon us. The legendary My own advice is to go along with the Va l e n t i n i u s ’ day (which we call AGCA, if only to avoid the hellishness ‘ Va l e n t i n e ’s Day’) is, in its roots, faux- that can ensue should you be accused of pagan. Of all of the “greeting card holi- f o rgetting to get a gift (or card or…), and days” (Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, t h e n to celebrate a g a i n on Beltaine (or S e c r e t a r y ’s Day (which has subsequently your own religion’s fertility/romance holi- been renamed), etc.), only Va l e n t i n e ’s Day d a y ) . has the most falsified provenance. The day has its upside, yes, but for The first recorded correlation between those pagans out there who happen to be Since the last iRate was a considerably Row, which will make it easy to use by the day itself and romance is not single, it is not a “woe be unto you” situa- long time ago, there have been numerous Mac users, and newcomers alike. T h e Valentinius of A l e x a n d r i a ’s romance letter tion, as I have provided the following developments and products that have come Apple TV is equipped with a 40 gig hard – the Valentinius of Alexandria was a (globally-general, your- m i l e a g e - m a y - out, so let’s get to it! drive, so that you can download content Gnostic heretic who, due to his large fol- vary) correspondences. This year, The recent additions to the Apple Store like music and movies from the iTunes lowing, was considered a threat to the February 14th is a half-moon, on a are the AirPort Extreme Base Station, the store and watch/listen on your TV. As stat- church. Of the three Saints Valentine, all We d n e s d a y. The color of the day is Apple TV, and iPod shuffles in four, count ed on the Apple TV website “If it’s on of whom were martyred in the third centu- Orange (but you might want to use Pink ‘em FOUR new colors! iTunes, it’s on TV.” The places where the r y, none were associated with love or for your workings if you’re looking for The Airport Extreme Base Station is the Apple TV comes up short is that it includes romance. The Feast of Saint Valentine (a romance (a blend of white [honesty, puri- newest version of wireless router from no TV tuner for channel surfing, no optical Catholic feast day, held annually on t y, friendship], and red [passion and apple. Like many Apple products, it’s drive to play DVD’s or CD’s, and it cannot February 14th regardless of what day of love]), or Red if you’re just looking for a Mac/Windows compatible, and white as play videos that are not from the iTunes the week it may happen to fall upon, ded- good lay (and there’s nothing wrong with the pure snow. The AirPort Extreme is also store. Perhaps the next generation of Apple icated to all three Saints Valentine) was that!), the planetary correspondence is cutting edge, being wireless Draft-N com- TV will be able to address these concerns, first associated with romance by Geoff r e y (obviously) Venus (which might change patible, meaning that it’s ultra fast with a or perhaps just a little modification to a Chaucer in his Parliament of Foules, a your choice of color f ro m Orange to Red farther range than most wireless routers. It Mac Mini will do the trick, only time will dream-vision poem that is thick with or Pink), and sunset is almost exactly 6pm, is also equipped with a USB port, allowing tell. If you are still interested in the Apple pagan allegories and allusions, supposedly with moonrise pretty soon thereafter. you to share a printer or a hard drive over TV for some reason, Apple says they will dedicated to the marriage of King Richard Venus is almost purely to the west, and it the network. The only drawback to the ship in February, at a cost of $299. II to Anne of Bohemia. is visible minutes before sunset, which Airport Extreme, like other Draft-N In addition to all of that, the iPod shuf- The historical argument that Va l e n t i n e ’s adds a bit to those of you who use plane- routers is the high price. Most Draft-N fle came out in new colors. They are the Day is a Roman Catholic Church co- tary correspondences in your workings. routers average $150 each. In the instance same size as the standard shuffle, except option of the pre-Christian Roman holiday Just a word of advice to you: ground of the Airport Extreme, you are looking at that they come in hot pink, neon green, of Lupercalia is of dubious provenance, and center! Va l e n t i n e ’s Day is abuzz with $179 for it, but you do get the bonus of the metallic blue, and neon orange, all of and the scholars at the moment consider metaphysical energies in abundance, so it USB port and the aesthetics of it being an which are durable aluminum like the stan- the matter closed. is easy to become overwhelmed by the Apple product. dard silver shuffle. As always, a shuffle To those who wish to follow a neo- f l o w. Remember to draw only from your- The Apple TV was also announced in will run you $79 for the 1 gig model, Pagan path, the choice of whether or not to self and from the world (not from p e o - January, as Apple made it clear that it regardless of color. celebrate this greeting card holiday is a p l e!). Grounding and centering afterwards wants a place in your livingroom. The As always, thanks for reading, and d i fficult one. On the one hand, there is is not only good practice (as it puts you Apple TV looks very reminiscent of a Mac check out iRate in the next issue when we historical evidence of the existence of back into the mundane world), it’s neces- Mini, but that is pretty much the only sim- take a look at some new applications, and diverse pagan holidays around Va l e n t i n e ’s s a r y. ilarity. The interface that it uses is very a detailed look at the long awaited iPhone. Day – Imbolc (a Welsh, Irish and Scottish And one final thing: if you’re like me similar to the Apple media suite, Front holiday of weather prediction which has and are highly cynical about the whole been co-opted into our Groundhog’s Day; a ff a i r, join me in wearing some form of in the Roman Catholic Church, it is Saint black ribbon or other such symbol of B r i d g i d ’s Day), for example. On the other protest that Chaucer’s romantic dream- hand, the historical pagan holidays of fer- vision has been so commercialized and, in Stony Brook Style tility fall after the Spring Solstice (such as the process, so cheapened.

By Lisa Voltaire have earned? These questions are pulling teachers. You should sit strategically near his red and white striped shirt early that ______away from the focus of World Politics and them, look interested – even if A n c i e n t morning. He probably took time ironing it are instead focusing on the professors Studies isn’t your favorite subject, and do too. Why? Because he wants to show that Making SBU’s Campus a Sweat Pants morning procedures. your homework. But what about style? he cares. And so should all the “sweat Free Zone If this is the professor’s case, what Yes, what about it, you are thinking at the pants people” as well. about the students? m o m e n t . Take the extra six minutes to look I couldn’t help but wonder. W h a t I have recognized in my two weeks on It is important to walk around the Stony through your wardrobe for the jeans that would the reaction be if your Wo r l d the Campus, that many Stony Brooks stu- Brook Campus,well dressed: skinny grey s a y, “I like to spend my time in this class- Politics professor came in with washed dents are wearing this “I do not care” out- jeans, white ankle boots and an oversized room, with this subject, and with you as out sweat pants one early morning? Did he fit. This is a style I wouldn’t like to see top. Apply Nars’s Orgasm rouge on your my teacher.” wake up late? Were all his other clothes my World Politics professor copy. cheeks and a long Sonia Rykiel scarf, to Dress for success. With that will come dirty? Or does he not care about the There are many things to remember you show that you do care. The professor the style to raise both your grades and expectations the professors profession about student’s approaches towards their i s n ’t wasting his time while picking out your social status as well. www.thestonybrookpress.com 11 Does This Sound As Bad To You As It Does to me? To Test Call-Up System Later This Year By Joey Safdia stones and perfectly forming themselves killers and rapists. That is why I’m iffy to more attention to American foreign policy ______into white, sticky swastikas”) denies that judge on whether or not to tell you that toward the Middle East than ever before, the draft will be reinstated, this sends a there is no draft coming or to pack your because while a draft is not necessarily Ever feel sometimes like instead of vot- mixed but alarming message to the bags and move to Canada now, though I coming, we have come to the point where ing out the Republicans in 2006, someone American people. will say that my bags aren’t packed quite the chances of being “called upon to should have just barricaded them in the I have mixed feelings about the govern- yet. If we should take solace in nothing serve” (at gunpoint, that is) are higher Capitol and set the building on fire, along ment testing the call-up system to see how else, we should take solace in the fact that than ever. It is imperative that--whether with the entire executive branch? Even capable they are in “recruiting” A m e r i c a ’s when Rangel (that fucking tool) brought you support or oppose the war, whether though it’s illegal for me to advocate or youth to “defend their nation” when the his draft bill before Congress, it was voted you are Democrat or Republican, whether support such a thing in this article (which time comes. No, don’t get me wrong, I down immediately. you are pro-Bush or anti-Bush—college is why I absolutely oppose anyone who oppose the draft and anything related to In the official response to this “mock and high school students become more attempts such an illegal act. God, don’t conscription or conscription preparation draft”, in which the government denied involved in the political system in some you love free speech?), in private I will on a moral, ethical, constitutional, and any plans for an actual draft, it was stated w a y, even if it’s only through voting. Even admit that I have secretly and subcon- even a pragmatic level. That includes this that, “The mock computer exercise, last if you don’t vote (because I don’t), send a sciously wished someone would just go readiness exercise, Selective Service, and carried out in 1998, is strictly routine, letter to your elected official (I had written ahead and do it (don’t be so appalled. Yo u Representative Charlie Rangel’s U.S. citi- Selective Service officials said, and it will a letter to Charlie Rangel but Congress were thinking the same thing). Especially zenship. No, my mixed feelings are based not actually be run until 2009 — if at all”. voted down his draft bill before I could when the government still believes it on the validity of the impending-draft A p p a r e n t l y, other mock drafts have been send it), write a letter to a newspaper or retains the right to perform an equally claims. I don’t want to be a conspiracy proposed during the last few years, but even write an article on your own, stage a immoral act against you and everyone you theorist shouting “Bush is going to draft thankfully none were able to get off the public and peaceful protest, etc. Just send k n o w. As long as it was voted on by everyone into Iraq,” especially since the ground due to budgetary constraints (just the message to Congress and to the Congress, that is, in which case mass people who have been doing that have the idea that they would try to use my President that, no matter what actions they slaughter of innocents without due process constantly been proven wrong, but history hard-earned money to test their ability to or their constituents support and no matter or justification is A-OK. Our very own also teaches us that not only do govern- enslave me in the military against my will what threats the nation comes under, the United States Government is planning on ments do the same stupid, insane, and still infuriates me. That money that was citizens of the United States are human demonstrating their perceived ownership immoral things that they explicitly state stolen from me through taxes could have beings who are owned only by themselves of all citizens—or planning on pretending just days earlier that they will not do, but gone to schools or hospitals, or I could and not by any elected government. If the to demonstrate their ability to per- also that governments don’t believe in have kept it and used it to buy a government doesn’t recognize the rights ceive….oh who knows what these fucks human rights and regard its citizens as PlayStation 3). Could this have been a and liberties that all human beings have, are doing there—by testing the call-up slaves, meatshields, and timid pets to con- routine simulation, doomed to never see the ones that our forefathers sought to pro- system that is used to draft its unwilling trol and abuse (a professor of mine told us the light of day as all the others? For the tect when drafting the Constitution, and if citizens into war. These tests are sched- that politicians are one step below child sake of the freedom that Bush pretends to it continues to believe that it retains sole uled for mid-2007. molesters, and he’s right. Child molesters love so much, let’s hope so. The off i c i a l ownership of each and every person living I’d like to interrupt this article to only wish they could operate with such denial appeared in full in an issue of the within its territory, then you might one remind everyone traveling or moving to e fficiency). History tells us not to trust New York Times, though I don’t know day find yourself or a loved one in mili- the D.C. area that our nation’s capital has governments as they are responsible for which one. tary fatigues and trapped in Iraq, fighting amongst the highest crime rates nation- tragedies greater than any caused by serial If nothing else, now is the time to pay a war that you may never return from. wide. And I believe that still holds true even if you discount government legisla- tion, policies, and actions. Anyhoo, this announcement comes at a point where our military is stretched thin fighting wars in two separate nations; wars that were never constitutionally declared, and one of which is being waged under questionable pretenses, if not com- pletely false ones. This comes at a point where President George W. Bush announced an increase of 21,500 troops to Iraq. This comes at a point where Reserve and National Guard members are being sent to their second and third tours in Iraq, where the number of new recruits is dwin- dling, where stop-loss orders are being issued more frequently than ever, and where possible war with Iran looms over the horizon like a mushroom cloud. W h i l e Selective Service (or as I call it, “the splat- tered semen all over the graves of our Courtesy of Goverment Approved Slavery Look! Now the’re doing a mock running excersize n a t i o n ’s founders, squirted onto the tomb- www.thestonybrookpress.com 12 Ice, Ice, Baby Smoking Ban in By Alex H. Nagler brightest minds in the country when I was ______behind the busses in my squad car. I guess they were wrong.” The officers continued, Winter is a magical time when magical threatening us with everything across the Dorms for Fall ‘07 things ensue. One of these things is the fact board from a write-up to academic proba- By Steve McLinden the chagrin of whoever gets your old mat- that water will inevitably freeze over into tion to expulsion, claiming we were tres- ______tress, the fumes will linger about on that as ice. People may not know this, but Roth passing on private property. Their declara- well. Pond occasionally freezes over when the tion continued, becoming more and more Come this fall, Marlboro Country’s The other problem is that the policy as it situations are ideal. The week of January explicit in tone, taking their time to verbal- frontier at Stony Brook will shrink even stands today is such that as long as all 28th was one of those weeks when the ly assault the students as they peacefully more. Smoking will be completely banned roommates agree, smoking is permitted in Pond was frozen solid. There were no left the ice. But my issue here is not with from all residence halls by July, as per a their room. If you were stuck in an Odd clowns, no cardboard boats, and no drunk- the campus police, regardless of who was decision by the SUNY Board of Trustees. Couple situation, with a smoker and a non- en Science and Society-ites being thrown right or who was wrong. While smokers may dislike the hassle smoker, it could be rough on everyone. A in as an act of ritualistic hazing by their This crowd that had assembled was not about having to leave the building and non-smoker probably feels bad for sending upperclassmen peers. a crowd of ne’r-do-wells; there were actu- stand outside to light up, this really is a her roommate outside on an Arctic win- On the eve of January 30th after the ally seven or eight members of the Honors good decision for everyone. ter’s day, and a less-than-understanding weekly Tuesday Toscanini LEG meeting, a College assembled on the ice, myself First and foremost, residence halls smoker might resent it, too. People have a group of friends and I decided to take the included. And here we were being repri- should provide a safe and comfortable hard enough time negotiating whether journey out to the pond to have some post- manded for simply enjoying ourselves. Yuletide fun. We snow-suited up, making There was no alcohol, no narcotics, no sex, sure that we would remain hypothermia- nothing illegal or immoral; we were just a free even if the ice cracked and we fell bunch of students enjoying ourselves on through into the slimy pond beneath us. the ice. And I know we weren’t the only After a short trek down the cursed Tabler ones as there had been students there all steps, we arrived at the Pond to find other evening just one night before. students enjoying themselves, walking on Obviously, someone had a problem with the ice and playing hockey. It was a really us, as someone had to physically call the great experience, friends having fun with cops. If there is one thing I learned from friends, playing on the ice, skidding my first term, it’s that the campus police around on a conveniently placed trash can won’t come unless they’re called. If it’s lid. It even had begun snowing, with the not affecting you, it’s not your problem. moon fully visible in the night sky above You were not the one risking a fall into the us. It was a perfect moment. Everyone was pond, we were. We weren’t committing a happy. noise violation, we weren’t harming you in Then, at approximately 11:15 PM, the any way. But of course, you had to go and fun police arrived. And by fun police, here call the cops on us. So, to the resident of Some Guy I mean the campus police. Someone had Roth Quad who called the cops on our Hello cigrette’s I -love-you-k-bye obviously called the authorities on us as winter wonderland, Fuck You. we were greeted by two officers who loud- place for students to live. Lit cigarettes are they’ll watch Heroes or 24 on Monday ly declared to the thirty some students on Alex H. Nagler is Frosty the Snowman. undisputedly a fire hazard, and they are nights, let alone deciding if it’s a smoke- the ice, “What are you? Out of your Just without all the cocaine connotations. cited as the cause of death for nearly one free room or not. I remember when I lived minds? This could go at any minute. I thousand people per year, according to the on campus last year, I would turn on my thought I was following some of the National Fire Prevention Association. In window fan to blow in some fresh air, only 1996, a cigarette ignited a fraternity house to pull in the scent of smoke from one of fire at UNC-Chapel Hill, killing five stu- my neighbors. dents. It’s been a rather nonsensical policy While a semester of second-hand smoke all along, then, that requires RAs to ensure exposure may not cause long-term dam- on a monthly basis that residents’ light age, it’s probably not beneficial. As far as bulbs are sanctioned, and yet nobody’s immediate exposure goes, it can cause stopping a student from falling asleep (or allergic reactions and all of the runny passing out) with a cigarette in hand. noses and coughing that come with it, and As for the “quality of living” issue, it can be especially irritating for asthmat- well, many smokers would agree: smoke ics. Thus, aside from the inconvenience of stinks. But do you have the right to soil going outside, it’s best for everyone if cig- your own dwelling? If you light up in your arette smoking is kept out of the buildings. tiny 10’x 8’ box on a regular basis, every- Sure, it’s not perfect; residence rules thing in there is going to reek, you’re certainly don’t stop people from smoking going to get debris everywhere, and it’s pot on campus, either. But I think that the just not a very nice scene. Someone else administration, non-smoking students, and will have to live in that room the semester smokers can all settle for moderate regula- after you leave, and the smell stays with tions like this. Let’s give the Board of the carpeting and everything else. Much to Trustees a little respect where it’s due.

Send us your poems!

This means you. Yeah you...with the poems.

s b p r e s s @ g m a i l . c o m

www.thestonybrookpress.com 13 Frigid Cold! By Kotei Aoki image is a satellite picture of the East image shows one of the computer-generat- sure systems must be pulling the frigid air ______coast, colored for easy viewing. The most ed weather maps, called the M M 5 from Canadian and Arctic regions. astounding part of the image is the spiral Regional Model. I chose "SLP, 10 m The temperature drop was significant The past few weeks have been very structure. which is the significant low pres- winds, 925mb or 40m temperature" and rather delayed this winter. Now, it interesting for meteorologists. The temper- sure system. I associated it with the one because it closely represents the ground- feels like the real winter. Many of us are ature suddenly dropped below freezing that troubled Northeasterners in December. level atmospheric condition. The contour annoyed at the chill that freezes our faces point in mid January. If you look at a It is rare that the pressure system can hold lines are called isotherms. One can assume as we switch to our winter coats. It feels weather map, the drop was obviously trig- its strength for a month. Low pressure sys- that the cold air mass is moving South. It is even colder during the day than at night, as gered by cP air masses. Simply put, it is tem vacuum surrounding air into the cen- difficult to visualize how the movement of if sea breezes keep the temperature low. frigid and dry air descending from Canada ter. After causing gusty weather in tristate cold air relates to the low pressure system The predictions suggest that warmer air and the Arctic area. What happened? That regions, the system moved on to the vacuuming its surrounding air. The frigid masses are ascending. At higher altitudes, is the question. There were fantastic illus- Atlantic along Maine. When I first saw the air moves South but it also moves East. It the warmer air masses already crawl over trations on the website of Stony Brook's satellite image, I was surely stunned to see becomes clear if you see it animated. One the cold air masses. Also, the cold air own Atmospheric Sciences department. the developed low pressure system which way to visualize the motion is to see the masses that hover over the North This page provides the resources: had been seemingly stationary for such a barb notation. It represents wind direction American continent are slowly moving in h t t p : / / a t m o s . m s r c . s u n y s b . e d u / n p a g e s / w e a t long period. and its speed. Many barbs pointing to the the Northeastern direction. Sooner or later, her.html. According to the animation of weather same direction imply that the air travels this feeling of "I got chills" will hopefully The first image shows "GOES-EAST maps generated by the department server, from one place to another. Air mass cannot be over. Well, you know what I mean. enhanced infrared satellite imagery" taken the sudden weather change was due to the be pushed or pulled; it can be moved only Rock on. in late January. All the jargon aside, the powerful low pressure system. The second by having pressure gradients. Low pres-

NOAA NOAA A Storm Pressure Zones Across the US If You’re Going to Fight Coca-Cola, Do it For Amercia By Allen Smithy and young adults continue to kill them- being fat, of course, comes high cho- Promising not to do something is ______selves, and Coca-Cola continues to be a lesterol, and a higher risk for heart worthless. We have no self control. stake driven through our hearts (but not attacks, heart disease, etc. We’re American, duh. Instead of mak- I feel for Columbians too. I haven’t the only one). My parents did a number If you’re going to fight Coca-Cola, ing these empty promises, we should done research, but I don’t doubt that on me – I was pretty fat myself. A n d do it for America! We are Americas fat face facts. Not having Coca-Cola on Columbians working in Coca-Cola fac- children and teens turned young adult, campus is a fool-proof way to get us all tories are impoverished and exploited. and I’ll be damned if I get diabetes at I don’t doubt that those who dare stand 35. So how do we protect ourselves up for them are kidnapped, killed, or from the health risks posed by Coca- “So how do we protect our - otherwise silenced. But honestly, I Cola? Easy – don’t consume their prod- think that presenting an argument like ucts. Stop drinking Coke and stop eat- selves from the health risks that to kick Coca-Cola off college cam- ing Burger King. That should be a good posed by Coca-Cola?” puses is a terrible one. The fact is, start. Americans just don’t care. Coca-Cola Easier said than done. How many of is abusing Columbians? Oh well. you recently made a vow to finally to stop drinking so much Coke, and Women have virtually no rights in most shed those extra pounds this year? stop eating so much Burger King. of the Middle East? Eh. Darfur? Is that O k a y, now how many of you are still Obviously students will continue to eat in Russia? going strong? Exactly. A friend of mine fast food off campus, but we can’t Sad, but true. promised herself that she’d go on a change the whole world, just our T h e r e ’s another way to fight Coca- Coca-Cola Beverage Company one-week detox. diet of fruits, vegeta- microcosm of it. Coca-Cola Inc. Logo Cola. Hit Americans where it hurts – at bles, and rice. That lasted all of about 2 If we’re trying to kick Coca-Cola off home. It’s amazing that no matter how having Burger King (owned by Coca- hours until she went to Dunkin Donuts. our campus, it should be because we painfully obvious it becomes, parents Cola) about three nights a week didn’t D o n ’ t get me wrong – I’ve certainly care about our own health. We need to continue to kill their children, teens exactly ease the situation. Along with ruined my fair share of diets. help ourselves before helping others.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 14 Aqua Teen I Fucked Your Terror Force Mom, Hard By Alex H. Nagler French fry container, and a wad of meat. By David K. Ginn were, but alas there were none; the clap- ______There is no plot. It’s on at a time when it’s ______ping was naught but your mom’s loose and not quite Sunday and it’s not quite free-flying vag, sounding off like a wood- Yeah, yeah, mic check mic check. My Monday, so you don’t have to worry about I used ‘hard’ as an adverb, despite my block siren when she comes near. name is. Shakezulla, the mic rulla, the old having class in a few hours. The average great impulse to incorrectly write ‘hardly’, It was gross, it was hairy, but it was irre- schoola, you wanna rock? I’ll bring it to reader of this paper will have read the because that would imply that I rarely fuck sistible. ya. Frylock and I’m on top, rockin like an opening paragraph of this article with the your mom. I can assure you that nothing is Now let me tell you something: your improvised explosive device. Meatwad proper lyrics instead of my not-so-subtle further from the truth. mother is sloppy. Not only does her phys- you’re up next with your knock knock. changes. I mean, fuck. It’s a cartoon and I had intercourse with your mother, and ical appearance resemble that of the artist Yes, they are the Aqua Teens, making advertising for a movie. I understand that it was less than tremendous. I inserted my formerly known as the prince of darkness, the Boston Police Department say in this day and age, we can’t be too careful throbbing love member into her quivering, she shags like a three-toed sloth being put “Bomb!” and the Governor of when it comes to possible terrorist activi- dripping roast beef conservatory. I took down by a tranquilizer gun. Typically, I Massachusetts scream. ty, but for Christ’s sake, look at the picture out Derek and the Dominoes and made feel more like I’m being surrogately With all due respect to New York’s sis- included with this article. Does that look Clapton take a welcome-back tour into her mauled by a wild gorilla’s comatose ter city to the north, Boston was wicked like a bomb to you? Or does it look like ancient axe-wound. How many times, you cousin, thrown on me from above by his retahded last week. The famed “City on a something that’d look kickass in your ask? You can count it on your fingers, if smiling kin as he gloats over how selfishly Hill” nearly fell victim to a Mooninite dorm room? Goddamit. And I was going you’re counting last night alone. The first he’ll sacrifice someone else’s body in invasion on the 31st, fearing that the LED to write a serious article originally. time I ever fucked that beast of a middle- place of his own. advertisements were improvised explosive Turner Broadcasting, paying the City of aged hairball you were nine months away Also, you need to understand that your devices planted by terrorists. Boston is a good P.R. move, but that’s from being born. That’s right, dear reader, mother’s embrace is not warm. It’s more If I may be crass, Boston, what the about it. If they’re too idiotic to realize a you are the bastard love child your mother like the three-day-old codfish that was fuck? It’s a Mooninite. Have you never Mooninite is a Mooninite, they should foot was too ashamed to keep but had to any- negligently left in that portable Bud Light seen Aqua Teen Hunger Force? If you the bomb squad bill. way because of that juicy tax break she’d cooler your dad took when he decided to haven’t, let me bring you up to speed. It’s Alex H. Nagler is Frylock, on top, get from claiming you as a dependent. It’s take you on a “man-to-man” fishing trip. a cartoon. About a talking milkshake, rockin like a cop. sad, but it’s true. Curiously enough, that analogy works on Are you angry? Perhaps full of rage? much more than one level. It’s not my fault. I’m a vagitarian, and I’d ask you to deliver a message to your your mom just happens to be an all out mom, but I already did last night. Here it cockivore. It’s human nature, dear reader. is, though: when a woman opens her legs The story of our first meeting is somewhat in front of me, my first thoughts should not interesting: I was standing alone on a dark involve a sudden desire to go spelunking. corner when suddenly I heard loud, inces- Nothing should be big enough to fit me sant clapping. That sound was accompa- and a drink trolley inside if it was only nied by high-heels running quickly along intended for my cock. I blame myself for the pavement, and the clapping turned into this downward spiral, though. After you a full round of applause. I looked around were born, there was nothing that couldn’t to see who the appreciative spectators fit in that pan-dimensional portal of a twat.

w w w . A n d r e w P e r n i c k . c o m

Adavanced Moon Technology Mooninite in it’s natural state.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 15 NY Jurors Hopt onto the Bandwagon By Peter Grotticelli say that “we should blow up the entire “They were put in that position, and they lab rats. They’re laughing at us.” ______fucking Middle East” to solve our prob- ended up dead.” Aye, so they are, for the jurors’ unani- lems. They are staunch supporters of the The police department sent these men mous resolution has affirmed that US citi- The presidential administration fixes its administration. One cannot find such idiots on quite a suicidal mission. If someone zens do not pity the downtrodden as much troubles in this nuclear age, which the US in New England. like Mr. Wilson, whose embarrassing cap- as they do in the rest of the Western indus- itself started by killing hundreds of thou- However, New York and New ital trial revealed his mental deficiency, trialized world. I speak not of our econom- sands around Nagasaki and Hiroshima, by England have a different type of idiot in could sense that these weapons customers ic system, but of our justice system. The killing some more civilians, in Latin common: the sort that does not wish for were officers, surely everyone with an jurors have favored the natural selection of America, Southeast Asia, and most recent- (and vote for) the deaths of millions, but equal or greater mental faculty (i.e., every- the lower animals over human pity. By this ly in Iraq. US citizens in the immediate that stupidly fires the toy that he’s been one) could sense this as well, and thereby philosophy, they cannot very well care aftermath of World War II, hardened by the carrying around for all of his life. Which endanger the officers. about the greatest achievement of observed slaughter, could hardly sympa- idiot deserves a greater punishment: the Indeed, Mr. Wilson isn’t the only one mankind: modern medicine. A l t h o u g h thize with civilians such as those killed in fiery conservative or the hapless dweller of who might violently react to his sort of sit- humanity has never shared its resources Korea when the US prolonged the war. a housing project? uation. Public housing is infamous for fos- among everyone, it has still behaved However, US citizens largely dissented The victims met Mr. Wilson a few tering hopelessness and idleness, and benevolently; for in the course of the last from the presidencies when they opposed blocks from the Stapleton Houses of resultant barbarity. The families of recent century, first-world nations have altered the Vietnam War. Lacking memories of Staten Island in 2003. These undercover immigrants scorn the generally African- the paradigm of life and death. We need World War II, the people became rational. o fficers contacted Mr. Wilson to buy American inhabitants of the housing, not fear anymore the random deaths of In New York State courts in the 1960s, for weapons. He agreed to sell them to these because the former rise from much hum- young family members. These reactionary instance, the death penalty was nullified in officers because he needed income, since bler origins than the latter. For instance, jurors, like their fellow conservative sup- almost all cases except for the murder of his illiteracy and immaturity rendered him Rose Nemorin, the wife of one of the slain porters of the death penalty, might as well law enforcers. However, jurors in unemployable. He was trapped in what he officers, a Haitian immigrant, gives no extend their prayers to a call for the good Brooklyn, Queens and eastern Long rightly suspected to be a weapons sting, credit to Mr. Wilson’s excuse of poverty. old days, when their ill family members Island, brainwashed by the deification of and therefore shot the officers in the back She states that her husband not only rose would have died to promote the “survival NYPD officers on September 11, have of the head as he rode in their car. from third-world poverty, but also had to of the fittest.” unanimously ordered in Federal court the Mr. Wilson was not a hardened killer; death of Ronell Wilson, 24, for the murder witnesses described him as a depressed of two officers, Rodney J. Andrews and youth. His stupidity must have frustrated James V. Nemorin. The jurors have him, because he could not figure out how jumped onto the presidential bandwagon. to fill out more than his name on a job The executive branch has killed civilians application. His lack of a father figure led since 1945 to fix the nuclear blight that it him to look up to older gang members. created, and New Yorkers are now in line They must have been quite unfriendly. His with it, for the first time in Federal court situation has led him to seek affection since hardened veterans condemned a man without embarrassment at his trial. As he in 1954. wrote to a friend, who later testified I do not proclaim that all New Yorkers against him, have abandoned their idealism. Indeed, “It’s nice to know somebody still got Mayor Bloomberg of New York City love for me. I feel much better to know opposes capital punishment. As a socially that.” liberal Republican, he is thereby a libertar- Local resident Krystal Cottrell, 27, ian. Alas, there is no major party to repre- made a statement that makes a mockery of sent this ideology. Therefore, since eco- the prosecution: nomics unequivocally form the dominant “Yes, he did kill two people, but stick- part of political ideology, the people must ing a needle in his arm won’t help the define themselves by their economic wives of those officers sleep better at views; and the economic conservatives night.” have nowhere viable to turn but to the AP We know well that nobody benefits Lying on your deathbed socially conservative Republican Party. from the death of another, for even the Citizens of Manhattan may value social Local residents note that Mr. Wilson is a learn English upon his arrival in the US. threat of death cannot stop fools like Mr. factors above economics in their ideolo- product of his volatile environment: a rot- Therefore, if he did not kill or steal, Mr. Wilson from killing. Only the cruel natural gies; indeed, although the trial was before ten apple in a bucket of vinegar. As quoted Wilson had no excuse to do so, she claims. selection that persists in impoverished September 2001, they spared the lives of in the New York Times, Eugene Jack, 31, This analysis is sociologically oversim- nations, or artificial selection (i.e., geno- terrorists that blew up an embassy in 1998. thinks that Mr. Wilson is no more mali- plified. Immigrants often rise from intoler- cide) in first-world nations, can weed soci- On Long Island, however, from Suffolk to cious than his fellow citizens. able circumstances, in which family mem- ety’s garden. We must admit that any trace Brooklyn, a socially sadistic red mist rises “I don’t think they should give him the bers die frequently, and they therefore of socialism allows degeneracy, but the under the morning sun, as citizens tape death penalty. There have been a lot of work with infinite zeal in the US to ensure noble impulses of homo sapiens, excepting their middle fingers up in preparation for people doing worse things,” he said. that their spouses and children live to old our twelve unhappy jurors, leads us to the commute. Residents of Manhattan can- “A lot of cops have killed people,” age. Almost every resident of the industri- institutionalize, rather than to kill, directly not very well see the morning sun, and added Margaret Mitchell, 35. alized democracies, however, can be sure or via pure libertarianism, our mentally they do not commute; alas, we cannot “And they’re not going to jail, let alone that the roadways and the politicians are retarded, our insane, and indeed, our crim- change our geography. When arable land is getting a death sentence,” added Mr. Jack the greatest threats to their families. No inals. The best we can do is to ensure that made of all the earth, then we shall change to that. “If anything, leave him in jail for rise in social status can significantly potential convicts cannot put us in vulner- our lonely residential structure as well. the rest of his life.” reduce those factors of death; therefore, able positions. The NYPD ought to inno- Until then, we shall not consider our A prominent maternal figure in the com- US citizens lack this most pressing incen- vate to reduce the vulnerability of its offi- neighbors to be our fellow building or vil- munity, Janet Robinson, 65, blames not the tive to rise in society. If the government cers. Perhaps its African-American offi- lage dwellers, but rather, to be damnable, officers, but the department that sent them wishes to provide housing, many idle sorts cers, when conducting ridiculously dan- anonymous criminals. on their mission. will therefore occupy it. gerous undercover operations, should wear These words about my neighbors are “You send two black officers into the “They call this the projects for a rea- lead plates under Afro wigs. The antiwar not baseless. I’ve heard too many cus- black community to buy guns. Then, their son,” said Fred Tuller, 22. “Look at us, in protests should bring those back into style, tomers at a Lake Ronkonkoma auto store backup doesn’t come on time,” she said. the middle of the projects, down here like and thereby render them inconspicuous.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 16 President Ford: Remember a Forgettable Politician By Rob Gilheany copped a plea and was forced to resign in maybe he was the drunk, and that is why President Ford Vetoed more bills in a ______1973. Under the 25th amendment Nixon he was always bumping his head and shorter period of time then any president. got to appoint his new Vice President. He falling down, “He was smashed” this dude The Democrat control congress sent sever- “Here we are at Ohio State!” President tapped Gerald Ford to be his second in said. al bills to his desk, which got vetoed. T h e y Gerald Ford yelled this at a campaign stop command. Nixon then became embroiled Ford and Kissinger gave Indonesian were anti-poverty programs and various at Iowa State University. It would be inac- in the Wa t e rgate Scandal and the cover- u p Dictator Shuorto the green light to invade spending bills. Only 4 vetos had been curate to say he was running for Re-elec- of that scandal. The Wa t e rgate aff a i r tion; he was never voted in to that off i c e . involved the use of the White House staff He was the President that no one voted for, and people from the Committee to Re- and he knew it. Elect the President (CREEP) to break into Gerald R. Ford was born Leslie Ly n c h the National Democrats office in the King in Omaha Nebraska 1913. He passed Wa t e rgate office Complex. It also was away on December 26th 2006 in related to the executive branch breaking California at the age of 93. He was the into the office of Denial Ellsberg ’s psychi- longest living President. atrist. Ellsberg was a former Pentagon Ford, often derided and lampooned for o fficial who leaked the Pentagon Papers to well-documented falls and bumps, was the NY Times. That revealed that the gov- actually an athlete. He played on the off e n- ernment was telling major lies about sive line for the University of Michigan. Vietnam. He was offered tryouts for the Green Bay By August 1974, Richard Nixon was Packers and the Detroit Lions. faced with impeachment and resigned. On

South-P Lot Not Found on Road Dead

E . Ti m o r. E.Timor was a Protégées colony o v e r r i d d e n . for 400 years, and in 1975 they gained The Head Line of the New York Daily their independence. On December 7th News read: “Ford to City: Drop Dead.” 1975 Ford and Kissinger met Shuarto in This was about the near bankruptcy of Jakarta. In spite of the denials they spoke New York City. Ford supporters point out of the invasion of E.Ti m o r. Kissinger said that the headline was not a quote. But he that the invasion should take place after he did deliver his nasty “unwanted baby on and Ford Left Indonesia. Kissinger told the doorstep” speech. It compared New Shuarto to conscure the attack as “self York City and its financial crisis to an defense” Indonesia has a population of unwanted baby on the doorstep. 200 Million. E.Timor has a population of 1 With in the two years of his presidency million. The Attack happened on Ford had two assassination attempts on December 8th 1975. The war and repres- him. Both would-be assassins were The White House Press Corps. Bill & Gerald sion of E. Timor took the lives of 200,000 women Sarah Jane Moore and in San Timoreses. Francisco Lynnette “Squeaky” Fromme Jerry Ford became a powerful August 9th 1974 Gerald R. Ford became In Africa, Angola gained its independ- fired a shot at President Ford. Fromme was Republican Congressman from Grand the 38th President of the United States. ence from Portugal. The A p a r t h e i d a member of Charles Manson’s “Family. ” Rapids Michigan. It was said that he want- Ford Pardoned his predecessor of all Regime in South Africa Attacked A n g o l a . F o r d ’s Vice President was New Yo r k ’s ed to be the Speaker of the House. Some of crimes he “May or may not have commit- The policy of the Ford administration was former Governor Nelson Rockefeller. the things that he supported and got behind ted.” The Pardon was an extremely contro- to back the rabbles who were trying to There was a division in the A d m i n i s t r a t i o n were Opposition to Medicare and versial move. It rubbed salt in the wounds bring down Angola. Former CIA a g e n t over New York City. In 1976 Ford had new Medicaid. He voted to keep Adam Clayton of all who wanted to see Nixon face the John Stockwell wrote the book, In Search Running Mate, Kansas Senator Bob Dole. Powell from taking his seat in congress music. The mainstream corporate media of Enemies details this evil fiasco. The 1976 Campaign Featured two and tried to impeach Supreme Court has lead us to believe that there is a notion- The Shadow of Nixon was ever present. debates between the Candidates. This was Justice William O’Douglass. The Court al consensuses that Ford did the right Nixon and Kissinger helped organize the the first time since 1960 that debates Impeachment trial was supposedly based thing. The precedent that was set has ram- overthrow of the democracy in Chili. between the candidates took place. Ford on O’Dougless’s marital problems. Ford ifications we are feeling today. Bush, Thousands where killed in Santiago blundered in his debate with Jimmy Carter. clung to the theory of “Bad Behavior” as C h e n e y, Rumsfeld and that criminal crowd Stadium; the democratically Elected He stated emphatically that Poland (then grounds for Impeachment of a Justice. now know that they can float comfortably President Salvador Alliande was mur- part of the Warsaw pact, and behind the This attempt failed. This would have given above the law. dered. In 1975 The Former Chilean Iron Curtin) was not dominated by the then President Richard Nixon another President Ford’s Wife Betty was out- Ambassador Orlando Letelier and his aid Soviet Union, “nor would it under a Ford appointment to the court. spoken. She had different views on abor- Ronnie Moffet were killed in Wa s h i n g t o n administration.” Many believe this gaff e Jerry Ford’s improbable road to the tion and women’s rights than the president DC. Their car was rigged to explode. may have cost Ford the Election. Jimmy White House was unprecedented. In 1972 and the Republican Party. This rankled Former Chilean Secret Police and right Carter won one of the closest elections in Richard Nixon and his Running mate conservatives. She spoke openly about wing Cubans carried out the deed. American History. Spiro Agnew won re-election in a landside w o m e n ’s health, her health and came out The Vietnam War ended under the Ford Gerald R. Ford left the White House on victory over the Democratic ticket of about her alcoholism. She set up the Betty p r e s i d e n c y. Saigon Fell in 1975. Ended Jan 20th 1977. He Moved to California G e o rge McGovern and Sergeant Shriver. Ford Clinics for rehab. over a decade of American involvement with his wife. He dedicated most of the Spiro Agnew forgot to pay his taxes. He One conspiracy person once told me, tin Vi e t n a m . rest of his life to golf. www.thestonybrookpress.com 17 Movie Reviews Art Gallery Reviews Fast Food Nation Christa Erickson - Prosthetic Memory meat plant, which ends in an unfortunate acci- dent covered up by the meat plant. His wife Sylvia (Catalina Sandino Moreno) must now go back to work at the plant, which she found so deplorable at first, to try to provide and sup- port for herself and her incapable husband. Her work at the plant will be in the kill floor department, where the cow is dissected into future edible parts. Her job is to pull the kid- neys apart! We also have Mike (Bobby Cannavale), the plant manager who treats the immigrant workers like low lives as well as having many By Eddie Zadorozny sexual interludes that showcase what a creep Jowy Romano ______Seesaw! the man is as well as his abuse of power at the plant. Amber (Ashley Johnson), who works By Stephanie Hayes & Jowy Romano identify with? Comic book heroines or When I heard a movie version of the 2001 as a counter girl at Mickey’s changes her tune ______Barbie? My favorite bit is a pair of spiky book Fast Food Nation, by Eric Schlosser as to the merits of her job and what Mickey’s stilettos, literally lined with spikes. was being produced, I was very excited and stands for through the influence of new Interesting fact about seesaws: they Nestled between these killer heels is a e a g e r. The book was an excellent investiga- activist friends. The scene where she and her were deemed a safety hazard and have compact with a video of Erickson applying tive expose of the meat industry here in intended Greenpeace wannabees cut down a been removed from most public play- lipstick. The artist wanted “to convey America and their unorthodox methods of fence at a slaughtering house to free the cows grounds. Good news: there’s a seesaw at impossible shoes,” and ideals of women meat production and manufacturing. T h e is just laughable and badly scripted. She actu- Christa Erickson’s exhibition, Prosthetic that have never suited her. methods were appalling, nauseating, and ally tries to reason with the cows! There are Memory. Erickson draws attention to the The second half of the exhibit explores shocking, as well as repulsive. The book countless cameos spread throughout the film stark contrast between the playtime of the way people are seen through their pur- exposed and brought to light many subjects of by recognizable actors as well. I suppose they children ages ago to the way children play chases, health records, and debt. In concern; to a maybe unsuspecting A m e r i c a n saw the potential for the politics of this film now. The kids of yesteryear enjoyed more “Digital Skins,” the viewer feels like public, or one in denial? Still not sure about and what it could create. Yet the cameos in this physical pastimes while the kids today they’re approaching a mirror but soon see that! Some issues brought to task were child film are all too brief and awkward, as well as enjoy video games and the Internet. Her credit history and purchase lists filling the and foreign labor, hygiene, sanitary, big busi- reactionary (where was Bill Clinton with all art is not, however, blaming or complain- screen. “This is how we’re remembered or ness monopolies, health and safety issues, and this potential for politics? It’s not like he is too ing about the technology driven world. recognized, and it’s shocking,” says chemicals for food microbiology. All these busy at the moment. He has done some fine Erickson, a self-proclaimed “gadget Erickson. “Because it’s not who we are.” issues were linked like the saturated fat that is acting before, oh well.) freak,” discourages our culture’s “blame Take a trip around this side to look at “Dis- found in a McDonald’s Quarter Pounder The story lines are engaging to an extent, mentality” and proclaims that her work Ease,” a mix of scientific and personal sto- c h e e s e b u rg e r, to the multiple endless fast food but they are meant to all tie in together and that encourages viewers to “think of the ries relating to illness and our cultures dis- entities that are so prominently displayed on cohesiveness does not emote so well. Some effects” which can be regarded as both comfort accepting disease; or scare the shit what seems like every street corner in story lines shine more than others (the “good” and “bad.” Or neither. out of yourself watching our national debt America. The book did such a good job of Mexican immigrants) while others fall flat and The show is divided in two, the entrance progressively rise on “The Debt Reducer,” altering my perception of red meat, with its seem remote (Amber and her working class half focusing more on people in their which exposes our country’s problem with countless circumstances of what is inside the mom). I am all for different approaches and leisure. There’s a smorgasbord of images obesity and over-consumption. meat (fecal matter), as well as what is left methods to tell a story, and there is a good – travel, handshakes, dolls, and Wonder Despite the split of the gallery (I like to inside (blood, pus, and tumors). That my con- story to tell here as I was anticipating. Woman. Between pinwheels that the regard it as “seesaw side” and “alarming sumption of red meat was so miniscule to Although I knew beforehand the approach this viewer blows on to hear “She’ll Be Comin’ debt side”), all of Erickson’s work is cohe- begin with made my decision to give it up film would take. I was still hopeful since I ‘Round the Mountain,” to the aforemen- sive. They’re clever and they prompt visi- completely an effortless and simple one. I loved the book. tioned seesaw which flashes seemingly tors to consider the role technology plays d o n ’t miss it at all and have no regrets or crav- This approach to give the film a narrative in endless hand interactions, these pieces are in people’s lives: our experiences through ings since! Six years and counting! The book the form of a script is the major problem I plain fun. At the same time, it’s impossi- technology, the way we’re remembered is a great and engrossing read; the movie ver- have with the film. It was a gamble, I know, ble to overlook the eeriness of such a through credit and numbers, and the ways sion would certainly be full of potential. Or so but this film has documentary style written all warped nostalgia – the way culture has we’ve evolved as a society. I though! over it! In the tradition of a Michael Moore, changed and the way it continues to. The Christa Erickson’s work will be on dis- The movie plays out like another one of investigative, in your face, dig up the dirt, and back wall displays the artist’s more per- play at the Staller Gallery through those horrible screen adaptations of a Stephen confront approach, it is the biggest flaw and sonal memories such as her search as a February 24th. Gallery hours are Tuesday- King novel to screen. What is good in the dilemma of this film that will leave audiences child for role models- who do young girls Friday: noon to 4pm, and Saturday: 7-9pm book doesn’t always transcribe to film the feeling cheated of the impact this film could same way that was intended. I am not saying have had, and should have been. This was not i t ’s a bad film; its purpose is there and the the film to experiment with format! At best many problems and issues the book raised are this film is medium rare; the potential for well there. It is the way it is portrayed and repre- done could be best suited by reading the book sented to the audience that left me scratching or seeing the film “Super Size Me” (Hint: my head as to why. make sure you see the special features setting The film deals with all these issues very for his lab experiment with the fast food spec- prominently but in the form of a narrative, imens. The outcome is memorable) actors, plots and characters as an engrossing Fast Food Nation- rated R (language, sex- driven ensemble. We have Greg Kinear as ual situations, drug content, violence) 11 3 Brian, a marketing executive for Mickey minutes, released by Fox Searchlight pic- b u rgers whose newest menu item “The Big tures, directed by Richard Linklater. One” is his job to promote. Raul (Wi l m e r Valderrama) a Mexican immigrant smuggled Jowy Romano into the country to get work in America at a Fast Food Nation If you text message your debt you will get a surprise! www.thestonybrookpress.com 18

The History of the Meal Plan

By Jowy Romano titled “The D i sAdvantage Plan” in complaints about the meal plan and an edi- chose Chartwells to take over as the food ______September 1996. In these articles, John torial titled “Aramark Has Got To Go.” service provider for the campus. Giuffo, then Managing Editor, called out What followed was increased student Aramark being kicked off campus was a Student discontent with the meal plan is several problems with A r a m a r k ’s new activism as The Press received a large victory for the Press staff, who worked not a new thing here at Stony Brook. We meal plan. amount of feedback. In the very next very hard to expose all of the complaints have been through a handful of food serv- One point Giuffo made was that when issue, many of these letters were pub- about the company, and it was a victory for ice providers over the years. The current you ordered food from either of the two lished, as was an article by Stephen all the students who were fed up with the one, Chartwells has been on campus since off-campus delivery providers—Pudgie’s Preston called “The Missing Million.” Advantage plan. The meal plan that fol- 1998. Before Chartwells was a company and Station Pizza—you would be charged This article goes into many things in lowed was structured like this: every stu- called Aramark, which had been on cam- full price, but you would still be spending depth, the most interesting dent pays $1,200, $500 of which can only pus for seven years before losing their con- Advantage dollars. “This means that the being this: $680 from every be used in the residential dining halls and tract. Before Aramark was DAKA, which $12 or $13 you spend on s t u d e n t s $700 that can be spent anywhere on cam- happens to be part of Chartwells now. pizza and soda delivery have meal plan went pus. This is somewhat more expensive This article, though, will concentrate on an Advantage dining value of straight to than the former plan, but it’s simple and Aramark, which earned itself much cover- around $30,” explained a quote Aramark, and 9,550 straightforward. age in The Press between 1996 and 1998. from the first “DisAdvantage students signed up for the meal To d a y, Chartwells' Residential meal Aramark introduced a new meal plan Plan” article. A n o t h e r plan that semester, so that would plan options are much different. Now the structure called the Advantage plan in point Giuffo made was mean Aramark should have gotten cheapest meal plan for students in a non- 1996, fresh after a contract renewal with that the Advantage $ 6 , 4 9 4 , 0 0 0 cooking building is the Bronze Plan, at the Faculty Student Association. There food prices in total. $1,430 per semester. The thing is, students were three pricing levels for the advantage were likely H o w e v e r, a only get to spend $1,160 of this money. plan: Basic Advantage at $900, Standard higher than P r o f i t - a n d - That's right, they are charging every stu- Advantage at $1050, and Ultra Advantage the cost to Loss state- dent on this plan $270 up front. This is at $1200. $682 from each of these plans A r a m a r k . ment claims also the case with the Silver, Gold, and was deducted to cover overhead costs such “Aramark’s Advantage price for a 12 oz. Aramark only received $5,626,792.60. Platinum plans. as facility rental, packaging, labor, garbage can of Coke is $.42. A short 5 minute trip Hence the “Missing Million.” This means that students (who are removal, etc. The remaining money to Edward’s however, will reveal how The publication of these two P re s s forced to purchase a meal plan) are paying became Advantage dollars, which could be inflated that price is. Edward’s charges issues, along with increasing student dis- more than people who walk in and pay spent on food at a discounted price—sup- $3.99 for a 12-pack case of Coke; that’s trust and discontent towards the cash. A benefit of the meal plan is that it posedly at cost. $.33 for a can,” said Giuffo in the second Advantage meal plan, turned out to be the is not taxed, but this $270 charge is well The Advantage plan was created article. By the time the third part of the beginning of the end for Aramark on cam- over what tax would cost even on the most because of discontent with the previous series was released, many students were pus. In the summer of 1997, the FSA expensive Platinum Plan. meal plan. The problem was, the already in an uproar about the meal plan. decided against the renewal of Aramark's When Chartwells won the bidding Advantage plan was just a deceiving Just over a year later, in October 1997, contract, instead to open the bidding process over Aramark, the cover of The adjustment of numbers and not any real The Press published a theme issue called process again. Two companies made it to Press read “The More Things Change, The improvement over the meal plan. This led “Aramark Makes Us Nuts.” This issue the end of this process: Aramark and More They Stay The Same.” They had no to The Press publishing a series of articles included various opinion pieces filled with Chartwells. By a vote of 6-4, the FSA idea how right they were.

If you are on a residential meal plan, you pay $270 that does not go towards your points. This means you pay more for food than someone who walks in and pays with cash! (even after tax).

2 Portrait of Chartwells

By Bryan Hasho airports. They contract major franchis- annual report states $11 billon in total the company’s nature. ______es for their outlets including Taco Bell, revenue, with a 3.5% dividend returned In April of that year, UN Pizza Hut, and Burger King. to investors. The company employs Procurement Officer A l e x a n d e r As the controversial cuisine provider Compass originated in 1987, when over 400,000 people, and ranks 260 on Yakovlev was arrested for taking nearly of Stony Brook University, the name worldwide financial turmoil caused the F o r t u n e ’s Global 500, a few spots ahead a million dollars in bribes from Chartwells is well known around cam- sale of Grand Metropolitan’s catering of McDonalds. Compass Group in exchange for the pus. But Chartwells, in all its eating, unit to the tune of $260 million in Aside from their financial success, $257 million contract previously living, and learning, is actually just the w h a t ’s known as the costliest spin-off the company has an signed. Compass fired the individuals educational division of UK-based food in LSE history. In 1988, Compass e x t e n s i v e relevant to the account, and told Fox service conglomerate Compass Group. Group was brought public paving the record of News that they had “no reason to Similar to the way Toblerone is the path for one of London’s most success- s c a n d a l o u s believe that these issues extended chocolate division of Kraft Foods, now ful corporate enterprises. Soon after a c c u s a t i o n s . beyond these individuals to other ironically owned by Alrtia (formerly came the emergence of parts of ESS or to the wider Phillip Morris), execution decisions at US-based A r a m a r k , Compass Group of companies.” Chartwells can be traced to the higher Stony Brook’s pre- They later refused to publi- ups at Compass Group, easily the vious food servic- cize any part of their internal w o r l d ’s largest food service provider. es unit. A r a m a r k i n v e s t i g a t i o n . Compass Group is present in over 70 and Compass Today Compass Group countries and a member of the FTSE Group began a continues an attempt to 100, a list of the largest and most prof- Gordon Gecko- rebuild their lackluster repu- itable companies on the London Stock esque conglomerate cock- tation. Their endless nutri- Exchange. Shares of the company have fight, matching hostile tional crusades promote prop- been progressing as of late on the com- takeovers with more aggres- er eating habits, but their p a n y ’s pledge to yield better profits sive, larg e r, takeovers, thus the claims are generally mocked by without increasing revenue. “The focus seemingly pointless amount of sub- As they expanded to the US and all over students and various publications alike. for the next two to three years on like- sidiaries (example: Chartwells). Europe, competing food provider The site “Cooking Money: A History of f o r-like growth will see more attention Compass group eventually won out Sodexho claimed that Compass had Corruption by The Compass Group” is paid to margins,” reported F i n a n c i a l as the world’s dominate grilled cheese undercut their offer to Disney’s both extensive and oft-read, and the Ti m e s in November of last year. f l i p p e r, but saw profits decrease due to European division, a process, though Facebook group “Chartwells Catering Compass Group’s meal services the mass of debt accumulated during legal, is largely considered unethical in Is Screwing Me Out of My Money” has extend farther than the educational their corporate spending spree. T h e y the business community. While the 145 horror-story-sharing members. products. The company offers both began to count the pennies, however, allegations left a stain of corporate Their tag line, edited into the original food and vending services to numerous and in 1995 boasted revenue of almost i n d i g n i t y, it was their involvement in Chartwells logo on the group page well outlets, including railroads, factories, $3 billion on a $178 million in operat- 2 0 0 5 ’s United Nations peacekeeper explicates the perception of their food o ffices, hospitals, shopping malls, and ing profits. To d a y, their most recent scandals that many feel really showed provider; “Chartwells: Eat. Poop. Die.” Portrait of FSA

By James Laudano c h a rge of ensuring the food budget is prop- from these basic state laws is quite anoth- has simply become another layer of ______erly allocated and balanced (something er question. bureaucratic bog on top of what we that Stony Brook always excels at). Much H o w e v e r, it is important to note that the already had. Rather than alleviating a With all the information here regarding of the above mentioned work is done F S A does take most of its marching orders problem, the FSA has instead exacerbated meal plans, I feel it is important to take a through the FSA’s chief contracted compa- from Stony Brook administration, regard- it. closer look at the organization that lies n y, Chartwell’s. Through Chartwell’s, the less of this independence. Over the past Many of us would agree that we don’t behind each swipe of your ID card. T h e F S A controls the inner machinations of decade or so, the FSA has become more want the administration running the sys- Faculty Student Association (FSA), whose most every cafeteria/dining hall/food and more entwined with the whims and tem as it does in the above mentioned way. o ffice is located on the second floor of the emporium on campus, with the small desires of President Kenny’s administra- H o w e v e r, I personally don’t know if I feel Union, is that very organization. However, exceptions of Jasmine and a few others. tion. There have been numerous instances comfortable with one, separate, private the FSA’s reach doesn’t simply end at our But why do we need such an org a n i z a- in the past where administration has either o rganization running every retail service meal plans. They are also responsible for tion to oversee these things? Well, the FSA threatened to change the by-laws of the on campus independent of the administra- our bookstore accounts, off campus hous- was originally created to cut through the FSA, or to dissolve the org a n i z a t i o n tion, either. Would it be best to have each ing, and laundry system. The org a n i z a t i o n red tape of the bureaucratic SUNY s y s t e m . e n t i r e l y. In 1997, the administration threat- cafeteria and bookstore in charge of its is meant to be a flexible and eff i c i e n t Have you ever tried to really get some- ened to shut down the organization if some own affairs? Or should we keep the current provider of the basic campus necessities. thing done here through SBU administra- of the FSA’s laws were not altered to bet- arrangement and hope that the FSA i n s t e a d Even while keeping all of these respon- tion? Yeah, there’s a lot of hassle and ter fit its preferences. Nor was that the first grow some teeth and courage and stand up sibilities in mind, the FSA’s biggest job is pomp-and-circumstance involved. It’s a time that has happened. And while the to the administration more often? Once still to make sure your Stony Brook meal pain in the neck. SUNY, as a state-owned F S A today still manages the retail services again, I’m not sure I really like either plan experience goes as smoothly as possi- o rganization, is forced to comply with and contractors on campus, it’s the admin- option. Both of them may just add more ble. The meal plan office, which is a side state laws. Laws that regard such minor istration who originally subcontracts the hassle to our meal plan experience as it is. room in the main FSA o ffice, is where any inconveniences as ethics, labor unions, order to the FSA in the first place. It really is a dangerous, fine line to walk. and all transaction problems are tackled. If disclosure, etc. The FSA was created to be That being said, it is not a far stretch to All I can say is that we here at the SB Press you find a charge for 80 dollars from the a go-around to many of these hurdles. conclude that the FSA has really become will continue to investigate the matters of Roth Cafeteria, yet know you’ve never Being a privately owned, non-for- p r o f i t more of an extension of the administra- the FSA and related issues in the time to even been to the aforementioned eatery, e n t i t y, the FSA technically has freedom t i o n ’s control over the basic aspects of come. The above questions, I’ll leave for the FSA meal plan office is the place to go. from the state laws that bog down the rest campus life. Therefore, instead of fulfill- you to decide. Just keep in mind all the Not only does the meal plan office handle of the SUNY campus experience. W h e t h e r ing its original intent of cutting through dealings behind your swipes of the ID card all student grievances, they also are in or not a company should have freedom the red-tape and SUNY hassles, the FSA from now on…. Bon A p p e t i t . 3 One of the arguments for the meal plan is that it is tax free. The thing is, there is a $270 fee each person on the residential meal plan pays before even purchase any- thing. In the graph above, we compare what you would pay in tax if you spent the same amount of money you have on a meal plan in cash and the $270 fee.

4 Meal Plan Alternatives

By Alex Walsh dents – polled, 596 (about 94%) said ing revenue from the school’s eateries. o f f-campus bookstore exclusively. ______they would use a debit account to pur- O ff-campus meal plans were one of Combining the Campus Book Store chase food off-campus. According to the issues that all of the candidates in account with Campus Cash and allow- If nothing offered by campus dining USG President Romual Jean-Baptiste, the Fall USG elections seemed to favor. ing students to apply financial aid to seems appetizing, what is one to do? if those results are accurate, and the Campus Cash debit isn’t quite that, but their accounts would create a real free- Eating off campus has always been a program is widely used, it will be i t ’s a start, especially if further dis- dom to choose, and could only benefit p o s s i b i l i t y, but the school doesn’t have expanded to provide more options in counts are made available when the pro- s t u d e n t s . any programs in place to facilitate this the future. Purchases from Subway and gram expands. “This is something I Another initiative to create competi- for students. That may be changing in D o m i n o ’s (except the 5-5-5 and 7-7-7 would not take a ‘no’ on,” Jean-Baptiste tion, although one that is much farther the coming years. The “Campus Cash” specials) will be discounted 10%. said, also crediting USG Senators from fruition, is a proposed food co-op. debit program, to be debuted within the Student discounts were already avail- Robert Romano and A l e x s a n d r a The idea was presented by Cheryl next few weeks, is a step toward sup- able at Subway, but they are new at Borodkin for working hard on the proj- Lynch, an undergraduate student, to the port for off-campus dining. A n o t h e r D o m i n o ’s . ect. In his State of USG memorandum, USG last semester. Lynch and members option that has been discussed is a stu- Campus Cash will function in much the President also thanked Kevin Kelly, of USG researched the idea. The co-op dent run food co-op, located on campus the same way as the current laundry Karol Grey, and the FSA Board of would be a location on campus where to provide competitive food prices. debit system. Students will be able to Directors. students could buy food at low prices. Campus Cash is a new debit account add money at machines located in sev- The school’s contract with Operated by students, rather than system to be used with the Stony Brook eral buildings on campus. A n o t h e r C h a r t w e l l ’s, which currently provides C h a r t w e l l ’s, and selling as close to at- ID card. It will be usable with residence future development President Jean- meal plan services on campus, is up for cost as possible, it could provide a hall laundry machines, some printers Baptiste hopes for, if the program is renewal soon. It is hoped that increased thrifty alternative to high-priced food. (only the Health Science Center Library successful, is the ability to apply finan- competition from off-campus sources Despite the initial push, this idea seems for now), vending machines (currently cial aid awards to Campus Cash. It will could drive down the prices students to have stalled. Finding start-up funding one is in the Union Lobby, but more not be an extension of the meal plan’s pay to eat. Perhaps Chartwell’s, or and an open location are problems, as will be installed soon), and, most Campus Points or Flex Points. One rea- whatever company the school is con- well as drawing up a viable business i m p o r t a n t l y, for discounted food at off - son for keeping this account separate tracted with next, might even eventual- plan. “Anyone who wants to help out campus eateries. When Campus Cash from the meal plan is taxability. ly allow the extension of the meal plans should definitely get involved,” Ly n c h comes into effect this semester, it will C u r r e n t l y, food purchased on campus o ff campus. In the meantime, USG and said. “I’m not sticking around forever. ” be as an experimental program, with with student meal plans is not taxed. If F S A should continue to look for ways to Co-ops have been established at several D o m i n o ’s and Subway as the only par- the meal plans were extended to off - make the system they’ve created more colleges, including Hampshire College ticipating locations. campus sales, taxes would have to be useful. All of the off-campus locations in Amherst, MA, and SUNY P u r c h a s e . These were chosen as the top results included. Another likely reason is com- listed in the survey are supermarkets or As with off-campus dining, anything in a poll taken last semester concerning petition. Because of the general dispar- eateries, but the debit account could that sells at a lower cost than the s t u d e n t s ’ interest in off-campus dining, ity between prices on and off campus, really be used anywhere. Making a deal s c h o o l ’s dining facilities creates compe- each garnering 17% of the votes from i t ’s possible that students given a choice with Stony Books to accept Campus tition which could force the other eater- students living in Residence Halls. Of would spend more money at non- Cash could make it more useful for stu- ies to lower prices. And isn’t that what the 635 students – commuters and resi- C h a r t w e l l ’s-sponsored locations, reduc- dents. Some professors already use the we all want?

5 Coke is it? The Commuter Plan

By Madeline Scheckter the current contract with Coke, to come up By Bryan Hasho mitted to eat wherever they’d like at any ______with alternatives to the major corporation. ______given time. T h a t ’s right, as a commuter, The current contract was signed in 1998 you c a n have lunch in the SAC during all The Coca-Cola Company enjoys an by the Faculty Student Association and The commuter meal plan is larg e l y applicable hours. exclusive contract with Stony Brook expires next January. According to similar consistent with the rest of Chartwell’s The Commuter 250 consists of 225 flex University. This means that all drink prod- contracts signed at other schools, ten years s m o rgasbord of charitable off e r i n g s , credits, with the Commuter 500 allotting ucts served on campus are owned by is the typical duration for one of these con- though somewhat more favorable. you a thoughtful 400 flex and 75 campus Coke, with very few exceptions; only 10% tracts. Commuters boast a swank 90% return on points, in case you aren’t in the mood for of shelf space is left for non-Coke prod- Because of the SJA’s extensive cam- the cost of the plan, while residents range Jasmine the last few weeks of the semes- ucts, such as Apple & Eve juices, milk, paigning, many students are already aware from rapacious 81-88% depending on t e r. and Silk soy milk, products which are not of the main reason the organization wants your choice of precious metal. T h i s Unlike the resident meal plans, the left- in direct competition with Coke. Coke off campus. On their website (sbus- means that while residents receive $11 4 0 over funds from commuter plans carry This exclusivity does not cover only ja.org), the organization lists a variety of on their $1430 contribution to the over from semester to semester. Just products available to students at the vari- violations committed by the Coca-Cola London-based Compass group, Stony d o n ’t forget to upgrade; funds can be ous campus eateries and the beverages Corporation, such as murdering trade Brook commuters, with the barg a i n i n g added to commuter plans in various incre- served at Stony Brook sporting events. unionists and their families in Columbia power of, say, driving elsewhere, are only m e n t s . According to the Operations and and unlawfully dismissing them in at least docked $25 the 250/500 plans. Lucky us. “My arms kind of twisted to eat Procedures supplied by the Department of 10 other countries. According to killer- In addition to the advantage of lower h e r e … i t ’s definitely too expensive,” said Facilities Operations, off-campus caterers coke.org, at least 30 schools (including fees, commuter students are actually per- John Stelmack, a returning student. are required to serve Coca-Cola products. two high schools) worldwide have ended So, while the Coca-Cola contract is sepa- contracts with Coke. rate from the University’s contract with Some students may remember that last Chartwells, Chartwells is required to sell year the SJA was pushing the university to their products. cut the contract. At their meeting on Coca-Cola has a larger stake in Stony Thursday, February 8th, I learned that they Brook than simply supplying soft drinks, are no longer pushing for the contract to be fountain syrups, water, and juice products cut, but simply want the university to to our campus. They also provide an allow the contract to expire next year. The undisclosed amount of funding to the uni- SJA is not the only campus organization to versity for buildings and athletic scholar- speak out against the University’s contract ships. This makes it even more difficult with Coke. The GSEU (Graduate Student for the Social Justice Alliance, a student Employees Union) took a stance against organization pushing for a non-renewal of Coke in October 2006.

When Chartwells first came to cam- pus, their residential meal plan cost $1,200. You got to spend all of that money; $700 could be spent on cam- pus and $500 could be spent in the residential dining halls. Now the cheapest meal plan is $1,430 and you only get to spend $1,160 of that!

6 A Completely Baseless Rant About How Much the Meal Plan Sucks

By Joe “Eat This” Safdia not a great blow job, but a blow job and their Dunkin’ Donuts doesn’t count delicate process that requires lots of ______nonetheless). Pizza in the city is nowhere as a real Dunkin’ Donuts (no sandwiches, m o n e y. Bullshit, it’s a few keystrokes and near that expensive. In Brooklyn, you can no Dunkin’). Jasmine used to be awe- you know it. Now give me back my In this issue of The Stony Brook Pre s s, get that same meal for $5.50. And you some, but even that has gone downhill money or your firstborn (or maybe stuff you’ve read many an investigative news d o n ’t get mediocre Long Island pizza, but faster than George W. Bush’s public the money into your firstborn and let me article detailing all the flaws of the cam- re a l pizza. And it’s not just the SAC, it’s approval ratings. No wonder why more whack it open like a piñata). Oh, and to pus meal plan. You’ve read (or ignored if all over campus. Oh boy, the prices of and more people are buying their own top it all off (as if the meal plan couldn’t you don’t like investigative journalism) deli meat at the Union Deli? Over $5 for food off campus or cooking on their own. be more of a waste of money), they take many interviews, facts, and figures. a cheese sandwich, I believe? I smell Speaking of which, and this is d i rect evi - o ff $40 when you first come to this You’ve probably read articles about some bullshit. The quality of the food is not d e n c e of how much the meal plan sucks, school. Why? I think it was for some of what goes on behind FSA’s closed reflected in the price at all. F S A or whoever runs this shit apparently meal to welcome incoming freshmen. Or, doors (the ones I’m sure they tell you are Oh fuck me silly, don’t even get me wants to force a l l students to get the meal as I like to call it, the most expensive always open if you have a question), the started on the food quality. It’s enough to plan. As I said, this is direct evidence of bagged lunch you’ll never buy. slew of useless and inane fees, price com- send Gordon Ramsay on a shooting spree how much they suck and have complete- T h a t ’s why I think people should just parisons with off-campus supermarkets. in Benedict. I had a friend who came to ly failed to contribute something positive steal things from the dining halls. Wa l k But sometimes, when it comes to telling visit once throw out his entire tray at to society, because if the food didn’t taste in, grab a sandwich, and just walk right others just how much something sucks, brunch after taking a bite of that yellow like ass then they wouldn’t have to do by the cashier. I’m sure they give a damn. nothing beats a good rant. And that is the glob they’ve taken to calling “eggs” now. this. Note to Shirley Strum Kenny: you H o n e s t l y, I think Stony Brook could not main point of this article, if not the entire A b u rge r in Benedict is how much? Four w o u l d n ’t have to re q u i re people to buy have granted us a better display of meal plan spread. The meal plan sucks. dollars? I don’t remember because I the meal plan if you made the food taste hypocrisy than allowing us to look at a I shouldn’t feel like a rape victim h a v e n ’t bought one since the Spring 2004 halfway decent in the first place. Oh well, sign that tells us that shoplifting is a every time I swipe that card, but some- semester! As tasty as a dry leather meat- I guess when running a “multibillion dol- crime while we pay for our $2 bags of how the Faculty Student A d m i n i s t r a t i o n like substance between two brittle ham- lar corporation” (her words to describe chips and our $1.75 iced teas. T h a t ’s (FSA), Campus Dining, and whatever b u rge r buns is, I figure that starvation or the school, not mine), it’s easier to simply almost as big a crime as not allowing other waste of resources and human life cannibalism probably works better. Ta c o force the students to ingest runny slop every student on campus to bitchslap the runs the meal plan make me feel like I Bell is fantastic if you like diarrhea, I’ve that almost resembles a food-like sub- top FSA executives. By the way, Stony should run straight to the nearest police actually seen Kelly run out of food, Roth stance than to simply hire a couple chefs Brook, about those signs that you put up precinct and have them arrested. I guess I Dining sucks more dick than even the who know how to cook. during brunch that say, “It doesn’t matter should. After all, I h a v e been robbed. Just worst porn websites, the food at the To further prove that the administra- if it’s a banana or a cup of juice. If you today at the SAC, I had two slices of Bleacher club looks suspiciously like tion is a giant mega-whore, the amount of take food out of the dining hall, it’s still pizza and a drink that came out to over dark-colored vomit (the only thing peo- money that you pay for the meal plan is stealing and it’s a crime.” No it’s fucking $7. What the fuck!? I shit thee not (unlike ple consistently liked about that place not the same amount of money that you not. Not if you fucking paid for it. Unless the administration, which shits thee con- was Penny the Pasta Lady), I don’t trust get to spend once it’s activated. Oh, the New York State Assembly and Senate stantly and enjoys it), it cost me $7.10 for the Kosher places, USB delivery is a fail- speaking of activating the meal plan, vote to make it illegal, it’s not. You are two slice of cheese pizza and an orange ure in almost every conceivable way, and d o n ’t forget the fee that they charge you not a body of elected officials, so stop juice. Not even Tropicana. No, this I have never and will never try Deng for its activation. Yes, I’m not lying to trying to scare the students because we’re orange juice was from concentrate, what- L e e ’s. The best place to eat is Dunkin’ you! It’s like $200 for them to press not as fucking stupid as you are. Now, ever the fuck that means. Honestly, for Donuts. No, not the one in Ta b l e r, fool, “Enter” on their computers. Yeah, faculty faculty bitches, get us some decent hot that price, I should get a blow job or the one off campus. Tabler Arts Center people, I don’t give a fuck what you have dogs at a reasonable price before I slap something to go with the meal (maybe d o e s n ’t even count as a real dining hall, to say. I know it’s not some painstaking you with my wiener.

How do YOU feel about the meal plan?

E-mail us your thoughts, stories, complaints, etc. [email protected]

7 Conclusions

The problems with the meal plan are abundant and clear. But what is the solution? Obviously we don’t think it is a good idea to hire another large corporation into another monopoly on campus. When dealing with large corporations, time flows like a river and history repeats. The Press believes the administration and the FSA should rent the dining halls out to various small businesses and let them compete with each other on campus. This would keep prices down and create a diverse selection of food choic- es. President Shirley Strum-Kenny recently told us in an interview that she thinks prices would go up if we did this and what we need is to do is just work for a better contract with Chartwells once the current one is up. You read right, she said she thinks competition will raise prices. The head of the university should know that basic economics will tell you that com- petition lowers prices and we are sure she does. She is likely concerned with how much money the school makes off of this gross exploitation of stu- dents. To this we say, “So what if the university will not get as much money out of this?” Deal with it. Find somewhere else to get this money. You work for us, not the other way around. We can’t afford to go into debt sup- porting these large corporations any longer and we refuse to. By Steve McLinden erate. Or, to quote my friend’s ever- s o - e l o- spotlight that came with the debut of Silent Records, a small indie label focused on ______quent IM, “They wouldn’t suck so bad if Alarm in 2005. In one of a few interviews experimental hip-hop. But in 2006, they just had no singer.” Indeed, the mid- granted, he even compared himself to the Farquhar signed with Epitaph, a big name Clap Your Hands Say Yeah: Some Loud dle of the album is sort of a big weak spot patron saint of English music’s tortured in punk rock that has diversified into alter- T h u n d e r (01/30/07, self-released) which only feel like even more of a waste souls, Morrissey. While these life experi- native hip-hop recently. As a featured Clap Your Hands Say Yeah is a pretty of your time with Ounsworth’s signature ences and the freedom to experiment MySpace artist in January, Busdriver was self-explanatory band name. You didn’t slacking style. However, the tracks before shaped Okereke’s work in following up also exposed to a much wider audience have to listen to their self-titled 2005 it are really the gems that almost make Silent Alarm, the ambitious effort for the leading up to the release of album to know that they were going to “Goodbye to Mother and the Cove” and most part just falls on its face. R o a d K i l l O v e rc o a t . Don’t get me wrong, bring an infectious brand of indie rock with “Arm and Hammer” forgivable. Overproduction and electronic eff e c t s though: that’s not to say conforming to a sarcastic edge for everyone to enjoy. But “Love Song No. 7” is really the best become the driving forces through the mid- industry standards. with Some Loud Thunder, their sophomore example of a little increased complexity, dle of the album, and Kele’s attempts at Setting the pace for the rest of the e ffort released on January 30th, CYHSY with the introduction of a piano melody expressing his emotions often sound album, “Casting Agents and Cowgirls” hits seeks to shake that reputation up… or do and a more downtrodden reflection. strained, most notably on “Uniform.” T h e us with a hot beat catchier than any of t h e y ? “Satan Said Dance” is sure to become a redeeming element in A Weekend In The K a n y e ’s, and an unabashed hook, which Much ado had been made about a shift crowd favorite at CYHSY shows; in fact, C i t y is the talent of Russell Lissack, but you typically don’t get from the anthem- that we’d see on the sophomore album, I’m considering lacing up my Chucks and even his spiky riffs often seem out of place shy “nerd” rappers. Of course, that hook is Some Loud Thunder, and it did sound sliding across the floor right now. It also on the opening tracks. ironically a strong accusation against sell- much different. After more analytical lis- speaks volumes on the trans-Atlantic indie Bloc Party stars off with “Song For Clay out rappers: “You did, you got it: you tening session, however, the same elements culture war, in light of all of England’s oh- (Disappear Here)” sounding like every wowed the world/ of casting agents and that defined the first album seem to shine so-danceable bands: the East Coast may be other band who’s tried to dig up the grave cowgirls/ fess up, you dressed up, to kill through again. Is it a lazy effort to try a little rough around the edges, but we’re of post-punk and make it danceable. Some yourself./ Well, I'm still on the shelf.” A s sounding “different” by simply putting a not afraid to shake our collective ass, people like that, but it’s just not Bloc far as the lyrics go, though, I hate to say new to the same old, or is it a revolutionary e i t h e r. P a r t y ’s game; they were supposed to be that he’s dumbed down, but Busdriver has and brilliant sonic growth for the band? The album exhibits a sort of return to more sophisticated and art-rockish than shown us that he’s smarter than this, like Either way, the execution was perfect: form with the catchy “Yankee Go Home,” this. As in the first single, “The Prayer” freestyling about the ethics of eating meat most fans of the first album will hear the which would likely fit in discreetly with attempts to focus on a more tribal beat, but at a drive-thru window. T h e r e ’s nothing same traits with which they fell in love in the Talking Heads-like self-titled album. It it just doesn’t mesh with the synthesized bad enough to make you groan, but half- 2005. For the second time, if you want to concludes with “Five Easy Pieces,” an airy, m e l o d y. After some more beats sounding joking cheap shots he takes, like at spoiled like Some Loud Thunder, you’re going to almost-shoegaze song that approaches the like a T V On The Radio wannabe, the “art-school kids” on “Sun Shower” are love it; if not, you’re likely to be asking, seven-minute mark and sort of summarizes music improves towards the end of the pretty weak. I also can’t think of another “What the hell is this?” the attempt at sounding different when album. With “Kreuzberg,” we find a com- artist to bash the Bush-bashers like Though the first album was hit with a nothing really changed; Ounsworth’s indis- fortable balance, but it’s only a brief taste Busdriver does on the first single “Kill barrage of critiques after an initial adora- tinguishable lyrics drift atop the fuzzy of what Bloc Party should sound like. T h e Your Employer (Recreational Paranoia Is tion amongst critics and listeners, there sound in a sort of passive-aggressive chal- likely hit song will be “I Still Remember, ” the Sport of Now)”, and then himself con- was a near-unanimous agreement: Clap lenge to the listener to love it or hate it. even if it does sound like a cheesy tribute demn “daddy’s spoiled son” a few tracks Your Hands Say Yeah had the balls to come And that’s really an excellent way for the to The Smiths. With “Sunday” and later on “The Troglodyte Wins”. T h e n out swingin’ with the we-don’t - g i v e - a - members of CYHSY to define themselves: “SXST” we get some more reflective and again, dry humor, cynicism and schizo- f u c k - i f - y o u - l i k e - i t - o r-not first impression, this is how we sound, take it or leave it. less manic sounds. If you buy this CD, phrenic tendencies are archetypal and on Some Loud Thunder, they’re again skip to track 8 and start there for maximum B u s d r i v e r. reiterating that theme. Despite the explo- Bloc Party: A Weekend In The City e n j o y m e n t . As always, the production behind sion in popularity based upon the first (02/06/07, Vice Records) B u s d r i v e r ’s lyrical stylings don’t let down. album, CYHSY is upholding the artsy do- B u s d r i v e r :R o a d K i l l O v e rc o a t ( 0 1 / 3 0 / 0 7 , With all production done by beat specialist it-yourself ethos and again self-releasing F o rgive me if this reads like the review Epitaph Records) Nobody and/or A n t i c o n ’s resident multi- this album, so there won’t be any cries of above, but 2007 seems to be starting with a instrumentalist Boom Bip, I’d be hard- “Sellout!” this time around. trend of gloomy attitudes, along with a Hip-hop is alive and well, ladies and pressed to name one weak song on the The first track on this album, which desire to experiment more. I think that with gentlemen- you just may have to dig six album. Be it the almost-club-friendly “The shares its title with the album, is not unlike the proliferation of indie rock bands who feet deep to find it. Since Nas dropped his Trogdolyte Wins” with the sped-up R&B the opening “Clap Your Hands” on the pre- can reach audiences (thanks, MySpace and radical bombshell on us a couple of months sample and lots of sparkle, or the glitch- vious album. “Clap Your Hands” was just i Tunes) the market is in danger of total sat- ago, the rap game’s been void of much pop beat on “Kill Your Employer…” or the plain obnoxious, in an affront to whomev- uration, and bands are quickly realizing worth mentioning, which is most likely a acoustic guitar accompanying the final er it was that they didn’t want listening. that adapt-or-die is the name of the game. coincidence in the slow months of winter. track “Dream Catcher’s Mitt.” Some Loud Thunder reprises that shitty Unfortunately for the English indie With the ever-eccentric Busdriver’s R o a d K i l l O v e rc o a t d o e s n ’t have any stupid sonic quality and the grating noise that rock/post-punk band Bloc Party, it just did- R o a d K i l l O v e rc o a t, the underground has skits or filler tracks which often ruin the comes with it, though this time it sounds n ’t pay off on A Weekend In The City. put forth hip-hop’s first noteworthy album o rganics of a hip-hop album. more like a cassette you’d find in the base- First and foremost, lest we prejudge, I of the year. It may not be the type of rap with which ment of Ween or Neutral Milk Hotel. would warn that the title is a bit mislead- The underground Los Angeles rapper, you blow out your subwoofer, but is lyri- The following two tracks also just seem ing, or maybe it’s supposed to be a cry for known outside of the community for not cally and musically solid. Busdriver has to assault your ears, but in a totally good help. The melancholy tone of the album much but his rapidfire staccato lyricism, is been touring the U.S. with w a y, unless you become easily scared off seems to express a desire to escape from looking at breaking through into main- experimental/indie rock band Deerhoof or just throw down your earbuds in disgust. the hustle and bustle of over- u r b a n i z a t i o n , stream popularity…sort of. Since 2001, and will hit the road again shortly with Def Lead singer Alec Ounsworth has been a not to revel in it. This only makes sense, as Busdriver (whose driver’s license reads Jux producer RJD2 on a tour that includes somewhat polarizing aspect of the music, introverted frontman Kele Okereke has had Regan Farquhar) has self-released three of an April show in Farmingdale at The Crazy as some find the vocals too irritating to tol- a hard time dealing with the success of and his first four albums, plus two on Mush D o n k e y. www.thestonybrookpress.com 19 20 www.thestonybrookpress.com Stephanie Hayes 1. The Evil Dead

So, the whole trilogy rocks, but I can only make it through the first one and declare that it’s perfect. If you’re going for funny, the second doesn’t have as much punch as Army of Darkness and Army of Darkness has (cringe!) Sheila. I hate Sheila with a passion I’m unable to put into words. The half-million times I’ve had to see her dead ass revert back to lovey-eyed human? She makes me want to maul my eyes out. Fuck you, Sheila, fuck you.

2. Ginger Snaps II

B’s on the run, desperately trying to suppress her werewolf transformation…and she’s all alone in her struggle. Or is she? Oh shit! Her sister Ginger is back as a sort of ghost/mentor. Sweeeeeet.

3. Dead Alive

‘Cos there’s nothing sexier than Lionel mowing down the undead.

4. Shaun of the Dead

“There’s no ‘i’ in ‘team’ but there is an ‘i’ in ‘pie.’” Ok. Shaun is too recent to have withstood the test of time but hey: I’ve got a poster, I’ve got an action figure, I’ve got a roommate eerily similar to Ed. It’s love, bitches. And true love lasts a lifetime.

5. Billy Elliot

I’m not afraid to admit that Billy Elliot moves me to tears. No joke, I cannot make it through without crying at least three times. Absolutely beautiful.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 21 Jesse Schoepfer 1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

Personally, I love this movie. Completely three-dimensional character development, crazy non-CGI effects, and a real, believ- able, serious performance from Jim Carry.

2. Garden State

This movie, along with just about any film produced by Focus Pictures, is, in my opinion, amazing. The entire movie just con- veys a sense of trying to find yourself, and shows real characters trying to find themselves.

3. Lost In Translation

Bill Murray is lost in Tokyo, Japan. Sweet, very, very long, and really makes you feel like you don’t quite fit in, not unlike Murray’s character.

4. K-PAX

Kevin Spacey as a lost “alien” on Earth. At first, you believe he’s just crazy, but as the film progresses, you realize that he really is not of this world.

5. The Matrix

“There is no spoon.” Religious references abound, bullets fly, and people run up freaking walls. I’ve probably seen this movie over 70 times; It’s just that good.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 22 Steve McLinden 1. Network

This 1976 Academy Award winner managed to direct meaningful accusations at while humorously satirizing the state of mass media. After being told that he’s too old and not entertaining enough, news anchor Howard Hughes threatens to kill himself on- air. Seeking to improve ratings off of Hughes’ insanity, producers turn him into a ranting “preacher of the airwaves.” Making com- mentaries on globalization and capitalism vs. morals, it’s relevant as much today as it was ever.

2. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

Everyone’s seen Ferris Bueller, right? For me, it was just one of those that I would watch over and over again. I could proba- bly recite entire scenes at a time, but due to a limited amount of space, I won’t.

3. The Princess Bride

Fact: there is no movie more quotable than this ‘80s fun-for-all-ages comedy/fairytale. I normally hold a grudge against film ver- sions of books, but The Princess Bride is just too good to hate. (The film is based on William Goldman’s book by the same name, which is about his father reading a book by the same name to him as a child). “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

4. Cool Runnings

I can’t believe I’m including one of the cheesiest Disney films ever on my list, but then again, who could believe that Jamaica had a bobsled team?

5. Five Easy Pieces

Jack Nicholson’s breakthrough role in Five Easy Pieces in 1970 defined how we think of the man still today. A great black com- edy mostly known for “that chicken salad scene,” it’s full of Nicholson’s self-loathing/world-loathing sharp, dry wit. The whole coming-of-age identity crisis and giving up the privileged life may have seemed unique to the Woodstock vs. Vietnam era, but it still resonates as to being a young person today.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 23 Rebecca Kleinhaut 1. Robin Hood (Disney)

This movie brings back so many great memories. My sister and I used to dance around my mom’s room every time the party scene came on. We had no idea that they were basically calling Prince John an incompetent asshole. Also, I think every girl want- ed to grow up to be a combination of Maid Marian and Lady Kluck. Lady Kluck kicked so much ass.

2. War of the Worlds (2005)

I’m ashamed to admit that I am hopelessly addicted to this movie. The first time I saw it, I felt like I was going to throw up throughout the entire thing. I really like how Spielberg and the writers chose to focus more on the destruction of everyday neigh- borhoods when they could have just as easily shown the White House being blown to smithereens. It also does a good job paying homage to the book. Plus, Tim Robbins plays a crazy guy. Neoconservatives must really love that part.

3. Gladiator

When Commodus gives Maximus the thumbs down in the ring, it vexes me. Plus, his name sounds like another word for a toilet.

4. Throw Momma From the Train

Billy Crystal plays this writer whose wife divorced him, stole his book, and slapped her name on it. Now, it’s a bestseller, and he’s teaching adult students creative writing. One of his students, played by Danny DeVito, offers to kill his wife if Crystal will off his mother. This is a tribute to Hitchcock, but I don’t pay attention to that stuff. This movie is hilarious.

5. The Return of the King

Bottom line: I love this movie. The end.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 24 Alex H. Nagler 1. The Godfather

“No Sicilian can refuse a request on his daughter’s wedding day.” Words I must remember for when my sister gets married. All personal relevance aside, The Godfather is one of the most stirring movies I have ever seen. The saga of the Corleone family is one for the ages. I still cry when Michael has the door shut on Kay’s face. Just cue the music up for me and my Sicilian side comes right out.

2. The Producers (the original movie)

The movie that started it all for Mel Brooks. Mostel and Wilder together as Bialystock and Bloom make for one of my favorite comedic duos. While I do hold a spot in my heart for the musical, Hippy Hitler is still one of the best representations of Der Furher in my mind.

3. Contact

Based on the Carl Sagan novel of the same title, Contact is the story of humanity dealing with contact from extraterrestrial beings through the use of Prime Numbers and Hitler. What follows is a journey through spirituality, the universe, and the laws of Space- Time.

4. Annie Hall

Say what you will about Allen’s morals, Annie Hall is his masterpiece. It’s so damned neurotic, but it’s also real. You can iden- tify with the problems Annie and Alvy have with one another. Also, as a Brooklynite, I appreciate the use of the Cyclone, especial- ly as that house really does exist.

5. Good Night and Good Luck

I hate Joe McCarthy and McCarthyism in general. It’s one of the more disgusting periods of American history, so the concept of seeing the feud between McCarthy and Edward R. Murrow brought to the big screen filled me with giddy anticipation. And would- n’t you know it, they did a bang up job with it.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 25 Joe Rios 1. V for Vendetta

I’m a big fan of the works of the Wachosky brothers, the two who brought us the Matrix trilogy. V for Vendetta did not come to my attention until I watched it one day on a whim. I was truly blown away by this film. It combined my favorite movie elements; Matrix-Style action, political suspense, and dystopia. In this world, a modern England is under tyrannical control, and only one fig- ure, V, can awaken the people to their situation. If you have never seen the movie, take a moment to run to the video store and check it out!

2. The Day After Tomorrow

I usually catch a lot of flack for liking a movie that is so scientifically inaccurate, but science be damned on this one. In this film, the population of earth has to survive a drastic climate shift that threatens to bring about the next ice age. Despite its inaccuracies, the film should serve as a warning to the world that our ecosystem is fragile and can only handle so much abuse before it reaches a breaking point. The movie does have the distinct aura of “I told you so…asshole!”

3. Sin City

Interpreted from the Dark Horse produced graphic novel, the Sin City movie takes place primarily over the course of one night in Basin City, or “Sin City” as it is often referred. In Sin City, the world is at your disposal if you can afford it and survive. The movie follows three primary characters over the course of a night that changes the city forever. It’s wonderfully done, using con- trast and color as tools, as opposed to them being used as elements. Most of the movie is in black and white, and when color is used, it is VERY stylized. Sin City will keep you on the edge of your seat as you watch the fates of the characters unfold.

4. Scarface

Al Pacino, cocaine, machine guns, 1980’s music… ‘nuff said! “SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!”

5. Léon: The Professional

Léon is one of the best movies to come out of the 1990s, hands down. In this film, Léon, a professional hit man, finds himself in a situation where he has to care for a tweve-year-old girl Mathilda. As their friendship grows, Léon eventually teaches Mathilda his trade so that she can seek revenge on the people who killed her family. This movie is more than action-packed, it’s truly mov- ing, and it shows how even the most cold-blooded of people have a heart deep down.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 26 David K. Ginn 1. Army of Darkness

It’s dark. It’s cold. It’s lonely. It’s the Middle Ages. Your kingdom is under attack at the hands of an ancient evil. There must be a champion, someone to battle this evil and send it back to the hell from which it came. Close your eyes, frightened one; sal- vation is upon you. Through a rift in time shall come from the sky. The great one, he who is prophesized to save the world from the undead. His name is Ash, and he’s a preppy-college-student-turned-deadite-hunter with one goal in mind: getting the hell back home. For those who haven’t seen it: Ash lost his hand to the deadites and replaced it with a chainsaw prior to the start of this movie. If you need any more persuasion than that, you are simply not destined to enjoy yourself.Now give me some sugar, baby.

2. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

Many fans of J. R. R. Tolkien’s classic book were nervous when they heard there was going to a movie trilogy based on it. Many of those fans were converted once the first movie opened, some by the second and third, and some still hold a grudge to this day. Peter Jackson (Dead Alive, Meet the Feebles, The Frighteners) did the smartest thing he could possibly do when he decided to take on these movies: he changed them. There are books and there are movies, and just as I have difficulty deciding whether a baked potato tastes better than it smells, I will never judge a movie because of its “faithfulness.” The Lord of the Rings is one of those curious film series because it actually does get better with each movie. The third movie, The Return of the King, is insane.

3. 2001: A Space Odyssey

Stanley Kubrick (A Clockwork Orange, Lolita, Full Metal Jacket) loved the art of cinema. In every frame you can see the unre- lenting desire to take the world and hold it in a grander, larger light; one where truths and lies both glow, and every flaw in human- ity is glamorized. He once said, “I've got a peculiar weakness for criminals and artists; neither takes life as it is.” That was his goal: to create something to be more than what it was. 2001: A Space Odyssey is his magnum opus. The story of a spaceship (and its shady central computer) en-route to Jupiter in order to study an ancient monolith somehow manages to capture your attention each and every second. This is because each frame is like a photograph for an art show. Kubrick knew that.

4. Memento

Memento is existing proof that an indie drama can somehow make its way to nearly every theater in the country. Is it the story of what it would be like to have no short-term memory, or is it a story of how far someone will go for revenge, or is it the story of a serial killer? Who knows? Whichever it is, it did its job well.

5. Serenity

Finally, Joss Whedon debuts on the big screen. And it’s about damn time. The creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel took his short-lived space-Western Firefly and from it created a movie that demonstrates, after long, long, long, long, long, long last, what a space movie should be. Armed with the increasing style, skill, and trademark he’d been developing over the years, Whedon finally took his director’s chair to the Big Dawgs. The result is a dazzling, thought-provoking, multi-themed movie that never lets you down. See this movie, and you will understand what Sci-Fi cinema needs to be.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 27 Alex Walsh 1. Blues Brothers

My goal in life is to someday be able to dance like Dan Aykroyd. This movie is consistently hilarious, and it has the best sound- track this side of Grosse Pointe Blank*. Seriously, I just pop it on my Zune (fuck off, Rios) and walk places. Great walking music. And it only gets better as more of the artists die off. Strangely, this movie contains the only instance I’ve ever seen where a TV edit improved a line. Compare “I took the liberty of bullshitting you” with “I took the liberty of bamboozling you.” Bamboozle all the way. *This movie should be on here. But I’ve decided to omit John Cusack films from my Top 5 to suggest that Top 5 Cusack Movies should be a feature of its own.

2. Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and...

“Now then, Dmitri, you know how we've always talked about the possibility of something going wrong with the Bomb. ...The Bomb, Dmitri.... The hydrogen bomb! ... Well now, what happened is ... ah ... one of our base commanders, he had a sort of ... well, he went a little funny in the head ... you know ... just a little ... funny. And, ah ... he went and did a silly thing. ... Well, I'll tell you what he did. He ordered his planes ... to attack your country... Ah... Well, let me finish, Dmitri. ... Let me finish, Dmitri. ... Well lis- ten, how do you think I feel about it?! ...Can you imagine how I feel about it, Dmitri? ... Why do you think I'm calling you? Just to say hello? ... Of course I like to speak to you! ... Of course I like to say hello! ...”

3. Pulp Fiction

You’ve all seen it already. So let’s go with… 28 Days Later. No need for plot summary, really: zombie movie. Lots of people say this isn’t a real zombie flick. But fuck them. I like it. Who cares if the “infected” move all fast and shit? I call ‘em zombies. I really like Cillian Murphy, too. So watch 28 Days Later. The end is extremely fucking nigh.

4. The Bastard Love-Child of SLC Punk!, Brick, and Empire

Commence cop out: The year is 1985. Han-o and Heroin Chewie are two high-school-age punks in Salt Lake City. Inexplicably, they speak like hard-boiled noir detectives. When Han-o’s ex-girlfriend Leia gets in trouble with a local drug ring, he’s got to fig- ure out who needs to be taken down while keeping Assistant Principal Vader off his back. Meanwhile, their German friend Mark Skywalker, having abandoned his stolen car in the Great Salt Lake, flees to Wyoming to study under his father’s mentor, John the Mod.

5. Scarecrow Gone Wild

According to wikipedia, Ken Shamrock is a retired American mixed martial arts fighter best known for his participation in Ultimate Fighting Championship, World Wrestling Federation, and Total Nonstop Action Wrestling. What they neglect to tell us is that he is also an accomplished actor. “Accomplished” here means “awful and possibly illiterate.” Riddled with crappy dialogue, ugly chick nudity, homoerotic subtext, and errors in continuity and production, SGW is 90 minutes of pure low-budget horror gold. The best part is that it’s part of a trilogy… and it’s the best installment. Go see those crazy folk in Sanger if you can’t find it any- where.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 28 Andrew Pernick 1. Koyaanisqatsi

No dialog. No plot. No characters. Just stunning high-speed and slow-motion scenes in a sequence designed to make a philo- sophical argument. The score is by neo-classical minimalist composer Philip Glass. This is not a film to be watched casually. Dim the lights, take the phone off the hook, and open your eyes and your mind to the booming contra-basso voice of Alburt de Ruiter as he sings the film’s title for the opening scene. The Internet will only spoil the experience. Just watch it, blind, with no insider info.

2. What Dreams May Come

What can I say? I’m a softie – this movie, with Robin Williams in a serious role (yes, he does those from time to time), made me cry. As a depiction of the afterlife alone, this is an amazing work of art. As a commentary on the Odyssean ties of family, (albeit one torn asunder by death) it strikes every note of every chord a film can, constantly tugging on the heartstrings, producing soul-stirring moments with practically every scene. And, this is a film that produces not only tears of sorrow, but tears of joy as well. While it is an emotional roller coaster, the visuals turn what could have been a flying-by-the-seat-of-your-pants film into a cinematic masterpiece.

3. Mulholland Drive

Now here’s where the distinction between film and movie lies: films make you think, while movies don’t. Mulholland Drive, a mindfuck if ever there was one, is most definitely a film. Believe it or not, David Lynch’s film actually does make sense. Hint: pay attention to the scene in the theatre – it’s where Lynch hands it to you on a silver platter with a fresh sprig of thyme. I won’t say anything more, save that I said “What the fuck?” approximately thirty times when I first saw this movie. You’ll probably beat my tally.

4. Casablanca

It’s a classic. Hands down, one of the best films of all time. Oh, and by the way, the line is “Again, Sam. Play it again. Play ‘As Time Goes By.’” The line is not “Play it again, Sam.”

5. Nausicaa and the Valley of the Winds

This is Hayao Miyazaki’s masterpiece. There are some who would argue that Anime doesn’t qualify as film. To those who hold this position, I can only say: “Sit down and watch Nausicaa.” This is film – hand-painted, cel by cel (as in cellulose, as in film), shepherded from the earliest wisps of thought to the ending credits all by The Master. His touch is apparent everywhere – the way a character’s hair blows, the depth in a female character’s voice when she screams in fear, and, in keeping with all Miyazaki films, in the flight sequences. And, to boot, it’s also a philosophical piece, with an excellent score. There is not a single negative thing I can say about this film – even the Disney-released dub version is excellent. Watch this film

www.thestonybrookpress.com 29 James Laudano 1. A Fish Called Wanda

If you haven’t seen it, I strongly recommend you do so. Now. The cast is amazing, the film is hilarious, and nothing beats Kevin Kline’s fish eating scene.

2. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

Yeah, its cliché. I know. So I won’t bother saying anything more.

3. The Royal Tenenbaums

I’ve gotten into fierce arguments with people who truly hate this film. But the ensemble cast is just too good to pass up.

4. Run Lola Run

Yes, its kinda weird. But whenever I watch this film, I myself get the urge to run through the streets of Berlin to the beat of droning, German, techno music.

5. Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying and...

A great comedy. For my money, Peter Sellers delivers one of the crowning acting achievements when he plays the three differ- ent roles in this film.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 30 Ilyssa Fuchs 1. Half Baked

The most outrageous stoner movie of all time. Three friends concocting a scheme to sell weed in order to get their buddy out of jail before he gets his cherry popped by Nasty Nate. “ABRACADABRA.”

2. Pulp Ficton

Enough Said.

3. Scarface

A classic about chasing the American dream, and the money, power, and women that comes along with it. (Not to mention the drugs and guns).

4. Con Air

What’s better than a bunch of convicts taking over a plane? “A bunch of idiots dancing around on a plane to a song made famous by a band that died in a plane crash.” – Garland Green.

5. But I’m A Cheerleader

Like Girl Scout camp for gays.

www.thestonybrookpress.com 29 By Matt Willemain

www.thestonybrookpress.com 30 Battle of the Century Uses for Industrial Strength Glue and/or Velcro

Glue plus furniture 10

The key indigent in Tw i n k i e s 9 Ho-Ho’s etc…

So Saddam Hussein’s bro t h e r s 8 can be “open casket” P R O

-Can drive miles in - Can walk miles in any conditions to club diapers in any condi- Never have to style your hair perspective mates 7 tion to club prospec- again … EVER A L L C A P S ! tive mate’s wife -Discovered fire

-Stone tools found When your trapped over night in a Off i c e -Discovered moon NOT cheese. thousands of years 6 Depot and REALLY need a fix later

-One word: MARS -Mission: Go out, find rock, kill thing, Kentucky derby losers? We -Infinite frequent eat thing 5 flyer miles g o t ’ e m . -Dr. Leaky

It puts the super glue on its skin 4 or it gets the hose again C O N -“You wanted that in - METERS?!” “Ugh…ugh…oog…oo Sealing gotse’s ass shut ga…ug” 3 -Skylab fell after SIX FUCKING YEARS! -Bill O’Reilly -Mission: Go out, find When you tell the dog to “stay” rock, come home. -Cro Magnon 2 he fucking does it -Dr. von Braun -One word: GEICO

-Space Junk When all the other 100 ways to 1 skin that god dam cat fail

www.thestonybrookpress.com 31 www.thestonybrookpress.com 32 www.thestonybrookpress.com 33 death egg zone