You are not to blame. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not to blame. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not to blame. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not to blame. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not to blame. MAKING CONNECTIONS: You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not SUPPORTING WOMEN WITH EXPERIENCES to blame. You are OF VIOLENCE, SUBSTANCE USE AND/OR not crazy. MENTAL HEALTH CONCERNS You are not alone. You are not to blame. You are A FACILITATOR’S GUIDE not crazy. You are not alone. You are not to blame. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not to blame. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not to blame. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not to blame. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not to blame. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not to blame. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not to blame. You are not crazy. You are not alone. You are not to

MakingConnections Making Connections: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns

Written by: Louise Godard Jill Cory Alexxa Abi-Jaoude Karen McAndless-Davis Naomi Armstrong

Copy Editor Grace Chin Graphic Design and Illustration Pink Sheep Media

Copyright 2013 Woman Abuse Response Program, BC Women’s Hospital & Health Centre Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada MAKING CONNECTIONS: SUPPORTING WOMEN WITH EXPERIENCES OF ABUSE, SUBSTANCE USE AND/OR MENTAL HEALTH CONCERNS A FACILITATOR’S GUIDE

MakingConnections Jennifer Block Vancouver Island Health Authority, Acknowledgments Mental Health & Addictions Karen Mitton South Peace Community Resource Society The Woman Abuse Response Program (WARP) at BC Women’s Kelly Salazar North Shore Crisis Services Society Hospital & Health Centre gratefully acknowledges the many Laura Bruckner Trail FAIR Society people that contributed to the development of this curriculum. Laura Johnson Vancouver Coastal Health Authority, Mental Health & Addictions Foremost, we want to thank the many courageous and wise Lori Swanson Interior Health, Mental Health & women who inspired us to write this curriculum: the women of Addictions British Columbia who participated in the Building Bridges focus Margaret Harman North Shore Crisis Services Society groups, who initially highlighted the need for a support group Marina Ursa Northern Health, Mental Health & of this kind; as well as the women who participated in the pilot Addictions of the Making Connections support groups, whose patience and Pavinder Mahnger Howe Sound Women’s Centre willingness to participate in the project, and thoughtful and Shannon Cooley- Howe Sound Women’s Centre constructive feedback each week, helped make this curriculum Herdman relevant and reflective of the needs of women with experiences Siri Brown Canadian Mental Health Association of abuse. Vivien Mencero Prince George and District Elizabeth Fry Society Many thanks to the numerous service providers who shared their ii Wendy Nolan North Island Crisis and Counselling knowledge and experiences working with women with experiences Centre of violence, substance use and mental health concerns through the Wynn Hartfelder Vernon Women’s Transition House Building Bridges consultations. We are especially thankful to our Society colleagues in the anti-violence and mental health and addictions sectors who supported and co-facilitated the pilot of Making A big thank you to Naomi Armstrong, WARP’s practicum student Connections support groups. We learned so much from all of you. from the Masters in Public Health program at Simon Fraser University, for her contributions to the pilot project.

WARP gratefully acknowledges the Canada Post Foundation Making Connections pilot for Mental Health and the Canadian Women’s Foundation project members for providing funding for this project, and the BC Society of Transition Houses for their partnership with us and dedication Ann Godderis Trail FAIR Society, WINS Transition House to improve services for women with experiences of violence, Annabelle Pierre Mount Currie Health Centre substance use and mental health concerns. This project would not Arden Smith South Peace Community Resource have been possible without your support. Society Finally, we want to acknowledge that some of the material in this Bally Bassi Prince George and District Elizabeth Fry Society curriculum originally appeared in the book When Love Hurts: A Woman’s Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships, and Carmen Dodsworth Interior Health, Mental Health & Addictions was used in the When Love Hurts support groups. We are very Constance Eagle Ministry of Children and Family grateful to the authors, Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis, for Development allowing us to adapt this material and for their contributions to Debby Hamilton Vernon Women’s Transition House the Making Connections curriculum. Society Heidy Kux Kardos South Peace Community Resource Society in seven communities in BC. Groups were co-facilitated by a Preface provider from the anti-violence sector and a provider from the mental health and addictions sector. The low-barrier integrated format that we present here, helps create a welcoming, supportive Development of the Making Connections curriculum has been a environment for women, and acknowledges and mitigates some multi-stage process involving many women in the province of of their potential barriers to access. While the weekly exercises British Columbia with experiences of abuse, substance use and/or are important, we acknowledge that creating a non-judgmental, mental health issues, and the service providers who support them. non-punitive and safe environment, as well as providing practical In 2006, the Woman Abuse Response Program (WARP) identified supports (transportation, child care subsidies, food), is what gives the need to further our knowledge about the intersecting issues of women the opportunity to connect and heal. abuse, substance use and/or mental health in the lives of girls and women in BC, in response to the large numbers of marginalized Making Connections provides a lens and an approach to discussing and vulnerable women with experiences of abuse who were women’s experiences of abuse, substance use and mental health “falling through the cracks.” WARP engaged in preliminary issues. In drawing from the voices, insights and needs of women consultations and educational forums with community and health around BC, the intention is to provide tools to elicit discussion care stakeholders from around the province, which lead to the and assist women to gain a new perspective on their experiences of Building Bridges: Linking Woman Abuse, Substance Use and Mental abuse, and how it has affected their safety and health. Ill Health initiative. Its purpose was to identify and raise awareness Findings from this initial pilot study show improved outcomes for of the needs of women with experiences of abuse, substance use women in various aspects of their lives. The input from the initial and/or mental health issues, and to share insights about the gaps iii twelve-week pilot participants helped shape the development of within current services; barriers to accessibility, and strategies this sixteen-week curriculum. We hope that this extended version and recommendations for improving policy, programming and better reflects the complexity of women’s experiences. practice. Building Bridges undertook a province-wide consultation in 2008–2010 with 460 service providers and 140 women, to Given that service providers across many sectors are already explore these issues in more depth. supporting women who have experienced the intersecting issues of violence, substance use and/or mental health, and that the A number of recommendations evolved from the consultation, benefits of support groups for women with experiences of abuse particularly regarding the need for more integrated and low-barrier are well known, we hope that this model of support is a relevant services. More opportunities for connection and peer support for and valuable addition to the work you are already doing. women affected by these intersecting issues were also identified as high priority. In 2011, WARP secured funding to develop, pilot and evaluate integrated low-barrier support groups for women with experiences of violence, substance use and/or mental health issues. A twelve-week curriculum was developed and piloted Contents ii ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Making Connections pilot project members ii iii PREFACE

1 PART 1—THE CONTEXT: WOMAN ABUSE, SUBSTANCE USE AND/OR MENTAL HEALTH CONCERNS I. INTRODUCTION 1 This is Important Work 2 Understanding Woman Abuse 3 Defining Woman Abuse 3 Language Matters 4 Intersecting Oppressions and the Compounding Impacts of Abuse 5

II. MAKING THE LINKS BETWEEN WOMAN ABUSE, SUBSTANCE USE AND/OR MENTAL HEALTH CONCERNS 6 Making the Links between Woman Abuse, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 6 Harms of Help 7

III. MAKING CONNECTIONS: PROVIDING INTEGRATED, WOMEN-CENTRED SUPPORT GROUPS FOR WOMEN WITH EXPERIENCES OF ABUSE 8 The Purpose and Benefits ofMaking Connections Support Groups 8 Benefits 9

IV. SIX GUIDING CONCEPTS 11 1. Violence- and Trauma- Informed Practice 11 2. Women-Centred, Gender-Informed Approach 13 3. Harm Reduction for Women with Experiences of Abuse 13 4. Intersectionality 14 5. Anti-Oppression 14 6. Safety 15 17 PART 2—FACILITATION: THE FUNDAMENTALS OF FACILITATING MAKING CONNECTIONS SUPPORT GROUPS I. KEY GUIDING PRINCIPLES FOR FACILITATORS 17 1. Focus on Women’s Safety and Well-Being 17 2. Believe Women 100% of the Time 17 3. Affirm Women’s Reality: “Taking Sides” 17 3. Affirm Women’s Strengths 18 4. Validate Women’s Conflicting Emotions Concerning Their Partners 18 5. Understand that Women Are the Experts on Their Own Lives and Relationships 18 6. Women Set Their Own Limits On Self-Disclosure 18 7. Abuse is Not the Defining Quality of a Woman’s Life 18 8. There is No Agenda to Have Women Leave Their Relationships 18

II. COUNTERING POWER: CREATING SAFETY 19 The Co-Facilitator Relationship 19 Embracing Diversity in the Groups 20 Recognizing Same Sex Relationships 20 Using Your Role to Empower Women 20

III. QUALITIES OF GOOD SUPPORT PEOPLE 21 A Responsive Facilitator 21 A Responsible Facilitator 21 A Respectful Facilitator 22 A Reliable Facilitator 23

IV. FACILITATING WOMEN’S SUPPORT GROUPS 23 Getting Started: Who Can Join? 23 Promoting and Advertising 23 First Meeting 23 Having the Right Number of Women for Group 25 Preparation for Group 25 Supporting Materials 25

V. HOW THE WEEKLY GROUP IS STRUCTURED 26 1. Check-In: Its Purpose 26 2. Check-In: How to Lead It 27 3. Core Learning Activities 28 4. Breaks 30 5. Closing and Check-Out 30 6. Support Plan 31 7. Getting Feedback 31 32 PART 3—LEARNING MODULES: CORE LEARNING ACTIVITIES

33 PHASE I: BUILDING A FOUNDATION FOR UNDERSTANDING WOMEN’S EXPERIENCES OF ABUSE Module 1: Creating a Safe Space For Women 34 Preparation for Group: 34 Core Learning Activities: 34 Welcome 34 Introductions 34 Group Overview 35 Discussion: Harm Reduction, Safety and Support Needs 35 Complete the Making a Support Plan Handout 37 Closing and Check-Out 37 Note: Procedure At Every Check-Out 38 Facilitator Notes—Module 1 39

Module 2: Understanding Men’s Use of Abuse in Relationships 40 Preparation for Group: 40 1. Check-In 40 2. Core Learning Activity: Cycle of Abuse—Abusive Partners’ Behaviour 40 3. Check-Out and Closing 44 Facilitator Notes—Module 2 45

Module 3: Understanding Women’s Experiences of Abuse 46 Preparation for Group: 46 1. Check-In 46 2. Core Learning Activity: Cycle of Abuse—Women’s Experience 46 3. Check-Out and Closing 48 Facilitator Notes—Module 3 49

Module 4: Understanding the Many Forms of Abuse 50 1. Check-In 50 2. Core Learning Activity: Power and Control Wheel 50 3. Closing and Check-Out 53 Facilitator Notes—Module 4 54

Module 5: Naming the Impacts of Abuse 55 1. Check-In 55 2. Core Learning Activity: Impacts Exercise 55 3. Closing and Check-Out 61 Facilitator Notes—Module 5 62

Module 6: Shifting From Blame To Impacts of Abuse 63 Preparation for Group: 63 1. Check-In 63 2. Core Learning Activity: Reframing Women’s Response to Abuse: Safety, Strengths and Impacts 63 3. Closing and Check-Out 66 Facilitator Notes—Module 6 67 68 PHASE II: SUPPORTING WOMEN TO UNDERSTAND THEIR PARTNERS’ RESPONSIBILITY FOR ABUSE Module 7: Why is My Partner Abusive? 69 Preparation for Group: 69 1. Check-In 69 2. Core Learning Activity: Central, Superior and Deserving: Looking Through the Lens of the Abuser 69 3. Closing and Check-out 71 Facilitator Notes—Module 7 72

Module 8: Am I Responsible For The Abuse? 73 Preparation for Group: 73 1. Check-In 73 2. Core Learning Activity: First Incident of Abuse 73 3. Closing and Check-Out 76 Facilitator Notes—Module 8 77

78 PHASE III: REBUILDING AND FINDING HOPE Module 9: Grief, Loss and Rebuilding 79 Preparation for Group: 79 1. Check-In 79 2. Core Learning Activity: Grief and Loss and Rebuilding 79 3. Closing and Check-Out 83 Facilitator Notes—Module 9 84

Module 10: Hope, Healing and Support 85 Preparation for Group: 85 1. Check-In 85 2. Core Learning Activity: Art Project 85 Preparation for Final Week 86 3. Closing and Check-Out 86 Facilitator Notes—Module 10 87

Module 11: Next Steps and Closing 88 Preparation for Group: 88 1. Check-In 88 2. Next Steps 88 3. Note Cards 88 4. Closing and Check-Out 88 Facilitator Notes—Module 11 89 90 APPENDICES Appendix A: Making Connections Weekly Agenda 91 Making Connections Support Groups 91 Linking women’s experiences of abuse and substance use and/or mental health 91 Weekly Agenda 91

Appendix B: Confidentiality Agreement 92 Making Connections Support Group Confidentiality Agreement 92

Appendix C: Making a Support Plan 93 Making a Support Plan 93

Appendix D: Weekly Feedback Form 95 Feedback Form 95

Appendix E: Problem Solving for Facilitators 96 Problem Solving for Facilitators 96

Appendix F: Reflections for Women 98

Reflection #1: Am I Addicted to my Partner? 98

Reflection #2: Am I Abusive Too? 99

Reflections #3: Is the Problem My “Poor Boundaries”? 100

Reflections #4: Is the Problem My Low Self-Esteem? 101

Reflections #5: Am I Suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)? 102

Reflections #6: Am I Codependent? 103

Reflections #7: Why Don’t the 12 Steps Work for Me? 104

Reflection #8: Recognizing Helpful Support 105

Reflection #9: Am I in Denial? 106

Reflection #10: Why Do I Still Feel Scared If He Isn’t Hitting Me Anymore? 107

Reflection #11: Is Change Possible for my Partner? 108

Reflection #12: Why Do I Still Love Him? 109

110 REFERENCES PART 1—THE I. INTRODUCTION Attention over the past ten years has increasingly focused on the links CONTEXT: Woman between woman abuse, substance use and/or mental health concerns. Despite growing awareness, recent research and evidence shows that service gaps and barriers continue to exist across sectors, limiting a Abuse, Substance Use more effective response to the complex, overlapping needs of this and/or Mental Health vulnerable population of women. In 2006, the Woman Abuse Response Program (WARP) at BC Concerns Women’s Hospital and Health Centre launched a research initiative 1 to assess the anti-violencei, addictionsii and mental healthiii sectors’ responses to women who have experiences of abuse, substance use “It’s just taken a toll on me; I don’t know and mental health. WARP engaged in a preliminary consultation where to turn. I thought I was going with service providers in British Columbia (BC), primarily from mentally insane. I go to counseling the anti-violence sector. The consultation highlighted the need for everywhere I can—even ask the shelters to further cross-sectoral discussion and collaboration and led to the give me pointers on abuse. What is abuse? Building Bridges: Linking Woman Abuse, Substance Use and Mental Every time I’m going to leave he hurts me. Ill Health initiative.iv The last time he kicked me there was a big bruise. He doesn’t care if I’m pregnant or The Building Bridges initiative, funded by the Vancouver not. It’s really sad. He’s saying stuff that isn’t Foundation and MOMentum, consisted of a province-wide true. Going into the community, making up consultation and research project to systematically gather lies to make himself feel better. Going to our information about whether services in BC were meeting the needs friends, saying things that aren’t even true. of women who have experiences of abuse, substance use and/or People don’t want to talk to me because mental health concerns. Beginning in 2008, WARP conducted of his accusations. I don’t need friends like standardized, cross-sectoral consultations and individual interviews that. I’ve been through enough—been with 460 service providers and policy leaders representing 82 BC through depression pills and medication. communities—primarily from the anti-violence, addictions and It’s just really hard, not having enough mental health sectors, with participation from some additional support. What I would like to see is a lot of community, child protection and social service providers. The groups for women that are going through similar stuff.” i. The anti-violence sector includes those services whose primary mandate is to support women who have experiences of abuse, including women’s shelters, —Corinna, Building Bridges transition houses, sexual assault services, victim services and other women’s advocacy organizations. ii. The addictions sector includes those services whose primary mandate is to address substance use, including inpatient, outpatient, residential and community-based treatment services. iv. The mental health sector includes those services whose primary mandate is to address mental health, including inpatient, outpatient, residential and community- based mental health services. v. Led by the Woman Abuse Response Program, BC Women’s Hospital and Health Centre: http://www.bcwomens.ca/Services/HealthServices/WomanAbuseResponse/ Building+Bridges.htm MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 2 v. and panic, and...different things, where andI’ve through been self-esteem, anxiety many othergroups, like I’ve through been and welcoming;comfort whereas [with] and Ithinkthataddsto thefeelingof so thatwe’reparticipant-led, ableto share, this group isitseemsto much be more biggest difference thatIfindwith “The curriculum basedonfeedbackfrom womenandfacilitators. was initially twelve weeks long, but was revised into a sixteen week Connections pilot to BC in communities seven with worked Program Response Abuse Woman the Houses, Transition of Society BC Women’sCanadian and the with partnership in Foundation,and Through funding received concerns. from Canada Post health Foundation for Mental mental Health and/or use substance of abuse, experiences with women for groups support recommended The women who participated in the and morewomen-specific women-only groups thatwouldaddress theircomplexrealities. recommended They care. effective providers and quality high service to contributors important most their the of one was with safe feeling that highlighted and providers, service with developed they relationship the of quality the of environment. emphasizedimportance clinical They the less and learn from, other women and supportive service providers in a with, connect to opportunities more for need the and connected, were circumstances life their how reflected that services for support desperation They expressed mandates. agency the “fit” not did they because services support from away turned been having discussed issues intersecting these by affected BC Womenacross from recommendations the of out concerns—arose health mental or groups for women with experiences of violence, substance use and/ The need for tothismarginalized populationofwomen. services improving for recommendations and practices, evidence-based and promising inclusivity. strategies, and offered Participantsalso accessibility increasing to challenges and models service current within gaps and barriers the about insights their shared initative this in Participants concerns. health mental and/or use substance groups focus eighteen abuse, of experiences had have who women conducted 140 with BC across also team project WARP experience-violence Program:Response Led of by theBCSociety Transition Housesincollaboration withthe Woman Abuse Building Bridges, Building support groups for women. The group curriculum group The women. for groups support Making Connections http://bcsth.ca/content/reducing-barriers-support-women-who- as well as the as well as —integrated low-barrier support Building Bridges Reducing Barriers Reducing study strongly v initiative. Making frequently marginalized and excluded from services. Offering a Offering services. from excluded and marginalized frequently are yet needs, safety and experiences life complex and additional and/or concerns. use for health substance mental groups abuse, of support experiences have low-barrier who women facilitate to and necessary the resources tools with facilitators group provides guide This WorkThis isImportant participant-led.” and lessthreatening…where it’s more schedule…I thinkit’s much more beneficial for ourinsight,anditwasn’t thisreally strict share different things and we were asked thefact thatwe weregoing on.So ableto as much to ableto being share whatwas it’s facilitator led…which…didn’t lend elh ocrs eaie te oil otx i wih woman which in context social the examines concerns; health mental and/or use substance abuse, woman between connection approaches. It presents and discusses various studies that make the therapeutic other from manual this in found approach informed 1 Part immediate challenges. responsiveis and women’swomen, to livesof the of strengths and realities the reflects that content and group, process a the both on focusing for space accessible safe, a create facilitators andtrauma- caring and empathetic areviolence- Highly-skilled, women-centred: and its delivery informed and curriculum This be ofthe safest andhighestquality. must and advocates facilitators as offer you care and support The circumstances. their for judged being of or services, from away turned being of experiences had have also may They abuse. of impacts devastating the with dealing be will they way, Either partners. abusive their with living currently be not may or the Womenattend who gapforthispopulationofwomen. service important receive Thesupport. group’s inclusive approach allows it to fill an to stability”“mental have to or substances using from abstain to attending Women health. and safety their influenced has it how and abuse, woman on perspective new a gain experiences, their share to place safe a to have ofwomen needs the reflects group support low-barrier —Jade, icse wmn bs, n dsigihs h violence- the distinguishes and abuse, woman discusses Making Connections aig Connections Making Making Connections Making Women affected by abuse often have often abuse by affected Women rus r nt required not are groups support groups may groups support abuse occurs; and describes the purpose and benefits of theMaking Defining Woman Abuse Connections support groups. Violence against women in relationships has been defined Part 2 highlights the principles that should guide facilitators globally by international policy and by research agencies aimed at in all interactions with women, to ensure they are countering eliminating gender-based violence as: potentially harmful power dynamics and embracing diversity. It presents qualities of good support people, as described by women Any act of gender-based violence that in our studies, and the type of facilitator recommended for these results in, or is likely to result in, physical, groups. It also includes important information on the process of sexual or mental harm or suffering to delivering the support groups, followed by a description of how women, including threats of such acts, to get started. coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private Part 3 is a week-by-week description of the sixteen-week group, life. 1 including descriptions of weekly core learning activities. This definition reminds us that woman abuse includes the use of physical violence, sexual violence, psychological, emotional, Understanding Woman Abuse cultural, social, intellectual and financial abuse intended to This guide starts where all work with women must begin— maintain dominance and enforce oppression over a girl or woman. with understanding women’s experiences of abuse from their Women often do not identify their experiences as abusive if they perspectives, and in their words. According to the women in our have not been physically assaulted or hurt. The stereotype of the studies, this understanding was often missing from the services 3 “battered woman” can be a barrier for women to define their they had contact with. experiences of dominance and oppression as abuse, and to seek “It’s way less scary to have addiction or support. abuse or anything when you can read “A lot of it was just verbal, but I wished he about it, and you know what’s going on would have hit me instead of said what physically and psychologically. It makes it he said. The words were just as bad; they so much easier to cope with when you don’t hurt more, and they did more damage for feel so abnormal…I didn’t know that when the long term.” my husband was making me have sex, that [it] was abuse. Abuse was getting the crap —Sarah, Building Bridges beat out of me; it was someone continually saying I’m stupid. But my husband making Woman abuse is characterized as intentional, patterned, enduring, me have sex with him, or drugging me at dangerous and complex, which is different than a single violent night so he can do what he wants to me? I episode or self-defense. “Violence against women is not only a manifestation of sex inequality, but also serves to maintain this didn’t know that was abuse. I didn’t know 2 that was rape. Rape was the scary guy who unequal balance of power.” came and walked down an alley, and that Abuse is a pattern of intentionally coercive and violent behavior was it. There’s a real lack of education. So toward an individual with whom there is or has been an intimate recognizing what abuse really is, [is] very relationship. These behaviours can be used to establish control different. It’s really hard to go out and seek of an individual and can include physical and sexual abuse; counseling when you’re screwed up. You psychological abuse with verbal intimidation, progressive social don’t know what to ask for, and if you did isolation, or deprivation; and economic control.3 know what to ask for you’d be doing it already. It’s like help needs to come find These descriptions help to demonstrate the various types and you.” tactics of abuse used by a perpetrator that are intended to maintain dominance. —Karen, Building Bridges MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 4 based violence. The word “violence” highlights the serious, and theserious, highlights “violence” word The violence. based against violence todescribe used women describes the variations in the nature and cause of gender- terminology different The MattersLanguage by abusive imposed andby socialinequitiesharmfultowomen. partners dynamics power the counter must abuse specifically of experiences with women supporting for model therapeutic Any face. to likely are women that violence structural child of removal by child welfare threatsagencies are examples of social harms and and poverty racism, women; impacts violence that how understanding to central inequities is women, of groups between exist the as well as inequity, gender Understanding in additiontocontributingwomen’s vulnerabilitytoabuse. abuse, woman perpetuating and legitimizing in role significant a Social norms, gender roles and social and political institutions play survivors. abuse of majority overwhelming the Womenrepresent was madeforme.” go to thehospital. To thechoice anextent he mighthave me. Ichosenotto killed So agree but ifIhadtold anyone my about hip, can dowhatever you want. To I anextent that you make your own choices andyou stopped mefrom going. had refused to take me. Hehadbasically hospital untilIwas outofthesituation. He broken my hipandIchosenotto goto the hipwas“My had broken. partner My any of risks option primarilythrough alensofsafety. the weigh to trying always choices, death and life make to forced are women threat, ongoing of context the Within them overlapping.” foralongtime.sticks withaperson Ifind But thementalandverbal abusereally little better because thebruisesgoaway. abuse, thephysical was abuseactually a itwas verbal abuseorphysical“Whether

— Vicki, —Anne, Building Bridges Building Bridges

I heard say people violence) cases” or “IPV (intimate partner violence) clients,” which (domestic “DV as abuse experiencing are who women to refer to services some in tendency a also is There lives. their in power of positions in people other from experience women that violence grounded in intimacy (rather than oppression), and it obscures the is relationship the that suggests the wrongly partner” “intimate term because violence” partner “intimate term the using avoids group support This violence. who of women targets is the overwhelmingly it are that fact the obscures but relationship, a of violence capture that abuse is often experienced within the context abuseor or “family” “partner,” “domestic” “spousal,” terms The although many abusedwomenhave notbeenphysicallyassaulted. abuse, of forms other experiencing without violence sexual and/or physical experience to women for uncommon be currently considered a crime in most parts of the world. financial, sexual, spiritual and mental aspects of abuse that are not verbal, emotional, including experiences, of spectrum broader a often criminal, aspects of the experience, whereas “abuse” suggests vi. johns andmanyothers. pimps, partners, female members, family by perpetrated be can it acknowledge that there are many forms of woman abuse, and that also we However,partner. abusive the to refer to “he” pronoun the use we curriculum this throughout women, against men by perpetrated often most is abuse woman that us tell statistics As unintentionally placingtheblameorresponsibility onthem. with,” dealt be “problemto a to circumstances their and women client”—reduces “addict,” “trauma and “victim” patient,” health “mental “patient,” “over/under-functioning,” dependence,” “co- boundaries,” “poor as “deficits”—such women’s that describes Language abuse. the for responsible them makes or them objectifies that language eliminate can we women, with wrong is By focusing on what has happened to women, rather than on what or “violence againstwomen.” abuse,” abuse” abuse,” experiencing “woman by “women affected interchangeably. In “trauma,”“domestic violence” and violence,”“intimate partner violence” are often used “gender-based abuse,” “woman women,” against “violence that women with share can you facilitators, As disembodieswomenanddiminishestheirexperiences. further violence acrime. Spain andFrance have recently step takenthelandmark ofdesignating psychological Making Connections we use the terms “women vi It would Intersecting Oppressions and the »» Abuse for all “racialized women can be compounded when Compounding Impacts of Abuse disclosure may reinforce racist assumptions that certain cultures are more inherently violent, stigmatization of Gender-based inequalities place women at increased risk of interracial relationships, culturally inappropriate responses, experiencing violence. But other risk factors, forms of oppression or additional discrimination or violence against racialized and inequity are also at play in abusive relationships, intersecting communities. with gender to shape the experiences of women. It is not enough »» Immigrant and refugee women may face greater barriers to to say that women of all backgrounds are vulnerable to experiences escaping abuse due to isolation on the basis of language or of violence, or simply to identify “higher risk” groups of women; culture, their dependent status on their partners as a result we must also understand the ways in which different inequities of immigration legislation, or their marginalized place in the intersect in women’s lives to affect both their experiences of workforce.14,15 violence and their experiences of help:: »» Women who live in rural and remote communities face »» Women with disabilities are more vulnerable to violence than greater barriers to escaping abuse due to isolation and women without disabilities because they may experience increased community pressure to not speak out about violence from a partner but also from family members or abuse.16,17 other people who act in a caregiving role.15 Depending on »» Lesbians, bisexual, queer, transsexual and transgendered whether they live in an institution or community setting, women can face increased difficulties obtaining support women with disabilities are 1.5 to 10 times more likely than in the social context of homophobia and heterosexism 18 women without disabilities to experience abuse. 4,5 especially within some communities. This may lead to a 5 »» Young women are at a higher risk of violence and of greater sense of isolation, and make leaving that much more 6 being killed. This may be due to the downplaying of the difficult. seriousness of abuse in relationships between younger women Many women face additional challenges when seeking help because and their partners.7 Research reports that abuse can begin as of social circumstances that perpetuate inequity and vulnerability: early as in elementary school dating relationships.8 »» There has been much debate over whether poverty increases »» Lack of safe and affordable housing, leaving women a woman’s risk of being abused. While being poor has been homeless. found to be positively correlated with the likelihood of being »» Lack of language services so women can access services in in an abusive relationship, lifetime prevalence rates of women their own language. of different socio-economic status are similar. This has been »» Financial insecurity, poverty and hunger. interpreted to mean that women of all socio-economic strata are at risk of experiencing abuse in their relationships, while »» Lack of safe and affordable childcare. 9 poverty can increase difficulties escaping the abuse. »» Lack of safe, affordable transportation. »» Rates of violence in the relationships of First Nations »» Lack of safe services for Aboriginal women, immigrant and and Inuit women have been found to be higher than the refugee women, lesbian and transgendered women. Canadian average.10 Aboriginal women are eight times »» Lack of safe transportation for rural women to access services more likely to suffer abuse than non-Aboriginal women.11 in urban centres. Relationship abuse may be exacerbated for Aboriginal women »» by economic factors, a history of colonization and a legacy Lack of services for women who are mothering. of mistreatment and abuses through the residential school »» Lack of accessible buildings and public transportation for system, as well as ongoing systemic racism.12 women with disabilities. »» Sex trade workers exist on the margins of society. The high- risk nature of their lives requires that they constantly navigate their safety. Often when a sex trade worker is assaulted by a partner or a john, her story is discredited because of her “choice” of lifestyle.13 MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 6 experience ofabuse.Asaleadingpsychiatrist inthisfieldstates: providers as mental ill health, can be a very natural response to the some by viewed is what that highlight to important equally is It developed mental health concerns in response to those experiences. have and/or substances using are violence, experienced have who women of number the to point to essential is However,it Five. Module in detail greater in these discuss will we and immense, life. their in time some at will abuse women experience three in one average, to on women but honestly, for to safe respond and accurate are that abuse woman about surveys to design difficult is it because greatly vary statistics The what itis.” symptoms ofabuse, because to methatis “I don’t call itmentalillness. Icall it of thewomenconsultedin WARP’s research. one woman, below, reflects the lived experiences of a vast majority impacts, of abuse and not as disorders per se. or effects, the as treated be should concerns health mental many that suggest to field the in experts leading abuse, of post-date experiences health concerns many mental that evidence is There Health Concerns UseAbuse, and/orMental Substance Making theLinksbetween Woman meth inthere… you’re adifferentperson.” ill, you getsomecrack inthere andsome have amentalhealthissue. You’re mentally changes your personality…especially ifyou because ofthedrugs andalcohol. It of us, andthenIthinktheabusecontinues abusecomes first,forsome “Ithink...the CONCERNS USE AND/ORMENTAL HEALTH WOMAN ABUSE, SUBSTANCE II. MAKING THE LINKSBETWEEN —Gail, womanabusesurvivor —Betty, Building Bridges 20 19 21 The observation of The impacts are impacts The is notgoingaway. treatment, Iamseeking for many years, buttheimpact...endured. It “I have outoftheabusive been relationship population ofwomen,estimatedat10%. general the to compared 38%–83% are abuse of experiences with women among depression of rates prevalence and depression), anxiety, PTSD, (e.g. problem health mental concurrent a have issues use substance with women of two-thirds as many as that dissociative disorders, symptoms and post traumatic stress response. Research also shows somatic depression, anxiety, disorders, mood including abuse, of experiences with women among found Research shows that long term mental health effects are consistently danger. realitiessocial ofcontinued isolationand response [to abuseand]trauma andthe symptoms or disorders may reflect a normal to aconstellation appears be What of » » among found women whohave endured violentrelationships: consistently are concerns health mental and/or use substance abuse, woman between links the shows Research could cope.” allthetime.drinking That’s theonlyway I emotional. The way Idealtwithitwas by went“It from mentalabuse, to physical, to abuse from apartner: and use substance their between connection Womenthe to point grow.to continues concerns, health mental and/or use substance with women on violence gender-based of impacts devastating the and violence, of gender-based the prevalence on literature The still withme.” experiences willever leave me…they are don’t knowifIcan ever forget orifthose treatedI ambeing fordepression, butI » » abused aschildren. 50% ofwomeninpsychiatric settingshave beensexually ranging from 55%–99%. women withsubstanceuseissuesreport alifetimehistory physical andsexualabuserangingfrom 36%–51%while Women of incommunitysamplesreport alifetimehistory —Paula, —Katy, 22 Building Bridges Building Bridges 25 24

23 »» There is evidence that for many women, mental health We might feel we would “never do anything to harm a woman,” problems post-date their experiences of violence.26,27 but despite many “helping professionals’” good intentions, a ,28 Therefore, we believe that many mental health issues small, yet growing body of research has revealed that these well- should be treated as effects of abuse and not strictly as mental meaning services can unintentionally cause harm.29,30,31,32 An disorders. addictions counsellor tells a woman she is co-dependent, has poor »» Substance use may begin or escalate as a response to the boundaries and that she is at least partly responsible for the abuse, trauma of victimization. For women who have experienced or a doctor tells a woman she is not coping well and that her abuse, the use of substances can medicate the emotional and children are suffering; this places more responsibility and shame physical pain of trauma and violence, and aid in reducing or on the woman, leaves her questioning her ability to mother, and eliminating their feelings of fear. denies all that she has done to keep her children safe. A pastor does not believe the woman, but rather believes her partner’s version of Harms of Help events; this leaves a woman doubting herself, and feeling shamed. These actions communicate to women that they are not believed A significant theme that emerged from the Building Bridges and and that they do not see things “clearly.” These experiences Reducing Barriers studies was that when women with complex leave women devastated and more at risk at a time when they and unsafe lives seek support, they often report further harm from are already vulnerable. Abusers try to take away women’s sense their interactions with service providers. of their capacity, and leave them doubting themselves; the well- “I have been with my ex for 12 years. It’s intentioned “help” described above, does much the same. been very abusive… I feel totally judged “I don’t feel comfortable if [a] certain person 7 by a certain staff member [at the centre]. [is at the support centre]. There’s somebody The judgment…kills inside. Like I mean, my there that makes you feel like you’re a heart is already broken, but then I have to burden. And I’ve been a burden all my life. I go somewhere and be judged. That is where don’t need to feel that. You need people to the education really needs to be. I hate love you when you can’t love yourself…not going back because I feel totally judged. feel like they are just there for a paycheck.” I would go in there with [a] broken nose, friggin’ black eyes and all that....And then —Kayli, Building Bridges trying to talk to this certain staff member, While there are many good services and service providers and being looked up and down.” that support women who have experienced abuse, some of the —Sam, Building Bridges services may not always be helpful, relevant or even accessible for women affected by violence, substance use and/or mental health When women’s substance use and/or mental health concerns concerns. Sometimes women are given dangerous advice, for are not identified as rooted in gender-based violence, their example, therapists may tell women to stand up to their partners. experiences are often compartmentalized; the impacts of abuse Sometimes police don’t show up when they’re called, or they may be misdiagnosed as mental health or addiction problems in mistakenly believe men’s stories and charge women. Sometimes isolation from unsafe life circumstances; or their safety may be child protection workers blame women for not protecting their compromised through inappropriate treatment. Women report children, and treat women as though they are the offending parent that they feel silenced and disempowered when their experiences rather than the primary target of abuse. Sometimes the support of abuse and other forms of oppression are ignored or minimized. person wants to be the “expert” on the woman’s life and tells Service providers across sectors also share concerns that if her what to do. Treating women in these ways is dangerous and women’s experiences of abuse and other harmful life factors are disrespectful. ignored when addictions and/or mental health treatment is being provided, the services, responses and approaches can potentially Findings from the Building Bridges and Reducing Barriers33 projects be unhelpful or even dangerous. indicate that few agencies are equipped to provide integrated services needed by abuse survivors who also experience substance use and/ or mental health concerns as a result of the abuse. Service providers MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 8 hn hy ae en rfudy iapitd r ut y the by thatare supposedtohelp them. services hurt or disappointed profoundly been have they when women with grieve and support, appropriate find to efforts their for women Wepain. applaud more can or confusion causing fact in is but supportive, being actually not is person support a when discern to wisdom takes It counsellor. or doctor lawyer,“right” the for search to continue to perseverance takes It excluded. and when you have been hurt, deeply disappointed, judged, mistreated to helpfulfind support. truly It takes even courage to keep trying, Itthey need and deserve. takes courage, perseverance and wisdom Women can face many obstacles when trying to access the support because the women themselves are lacking in some way. some services are not set up to reflect their needs and realities—not alonein the barriers they face, and that their challenges are because amongsomeservice providers, thatsowomen can seetheyare not trainingawarenessandof lack the andgaps existingserviceabout self-blame and creates further isolation. Facilitators should be honest women’s providers; servicenegative experiences with in interactionsthese areas theirdeepens their andfeelings of services, access to may find that women want to talk about their experiences of trying process, you group to the share. During affirming Women it find there Iam, you know, nobody.’” and thengobackto her. It’s justlike ‘well they saidIhave to goto AA, getmy 12steps, have acounsellor andthenIcame here and and drug counsellor. I’m So screwed. Idon’t that helpthenIdon’t getto seemy alcohol thempills’…not taking andsoifIrefuse prescribed thesepills...and it’s like ‘no I’m “I went to mentalhealth andwas receive oftendoesnotmeettheiractualneeds. they support the access, exclusionary gain do women When women. some more for and accessible less service the makes which services, access can they before addiction” their with “deal must women they tell programs Some support. good finding to and health concerns encounter numerous barriers to accessing services mental and/or use substance abuse, of experiences with Women negative impact on the safety and health of women. adequateof staff training these sectors. in These limitations a have anti-violence,the addictionslackmentalhealthand sectors,a and women-specific, integrated collaborative and models service across of lack a is there that observe issues these affected by womenand —Jessica, Building Bridges experiences of oppression, power and control from a partner,a fromand control and poweroppression, of experiences women’s recognize groups These experiences. lived women’s of interconnection the reflects that group support reduction harm groups about can be responses connected to abuse. understanding and knowledge violence, and of how substance use and/or mental own health concerns their develop to Connections Making Connections The Purpose andBenefitsof EXPERIENCES OFABUSE GROUPS FOR WOMEN WITH SUPPORT WOMEN-CENTRED PROVIDING INTEGRATED, III. feelings ofisolation,failure andshame. these issues helps validate their experiences, and helps reduce their between connection the discuss to women alive. for them opportunity kept The have that strengths have they that safety, see own to and their of assessment their on based decisions they have made that recognize women help groups The experiences. their normalizes environment supportive and non-judgmental groups’ The concerns. health mental and/or use substance their to linked are abuse of experiences their how share to opportunity asafe women provide groups support The complex. are health mental and/or use substance violence, between relationships The company ofotherwomenwhoshare similarexperiences. the of safety the in experiences their process to women opportunity offers an setting group The violence. of experiences their about understanding and knowledge own their develop and/or regain to opportunity an with women provide They experiences. these from heal and rebuild to begin can women how and lives; women’s impact these how concerns; health substance mental and/or abuse, use of issues intersecting the aboutthe abuse; support of and dynamics information women offer groups The respectful, egalitarianandsafegroup environment. a creating ofabuse—by awoman’s experience from different is you are always working that to the make groupcertain experience facilitator, a As facilitators. group the with women’sinteractions in echoed not are dynamics power these that ensuring to commit MAKING CONNECTIONS: MAKING CONNECTIONS:

offer a violence-informed, low-barrier, women-centred, low-barrier, a violence-informed, offer Support Groups Support support groups support

offer women an opportunity opportunity an women offer Making Connections s Making Making upport upport All women with experiences of abuse can have access to the fixed. Women need to have access to support that acknowledges Making Connections support groups. You can improve accessibility the problem is not theirs. Women feel so empowered when by offering practical support such as childcare, transportation they realize their experiences can help other women, and that subsidies and food, and increase access by ensuring that women facilitators are not there to give advice, over-ride group discussions know they are not required to be abstinent or “mentally stable” or use their expertise to impose solutions. This process of sharing to attend. “control” is essential to women’s empowerment and healing. This group never pressures women to leave their relationship and never The fact that Making Connections support groups are open to sends the message that leaving is the correct path. women regardless of their mental health level, and regardless of whether they are abstinent or not, can be a shift in practice Connection for facilitators. Being part of a group is often not offered or allowed for women with mental health concerns or who are using For women who have experienced violence, building trust with substances, but it is these women who have the greatest need for service providers takes time. Relationships built on trust and connections and support. Making Connections supports an equity respect, create opportunities for women to connect with other model of care—ensuring that more resources are allocated to the women, and break the isolation that has kept them dependent on most vulnerable women, to increase the likelihood of positive abusive partners. When a service provider shows a commitment to outcomes. This model can sometimes create a situation of diverse supporting a woman, the provider sends a powerful message that needs: A woman who comes to group and is using substances, the woman herself matters. may create stress for women who are trying to abstain. You can Healing begins with Making Connections—connecting with talk with the group about these diverse needs—one woman’s need 9 how women’s experience of abuse, substance use and/or mental for inclusion, and other women’s need for a group that feels safe. health concerns are linked, and connecting with other women’s While it may be okay for a woman’s behaviour to cause some experiences as women and as mothers. This group supports discomfort, all women should also feel safe in group. You may women to begin making these connections, and to begin finding need to have ongoing conversations with group members to safety and healing. For women still in abusive situations, this ensure they can all express their experiences and needs. Make sure group provides opportunities to connect with others, rediscover all group members know this is a low-barrier group that always their strength and wisdom, and find information to further their seeks to be as inclusive as possible. understanding about abuse and how it has influenced their health and safety. Services providers can sometimes unintentionally reward women who are “well-behaved” and punish women who “behave badly,” Overcoming Isolation mirroring the dynamics of abuse. In this group, we view women as always “doing their best”; if a woman’s behaviour does not “fit” Women with experiences of abuse become socially isolated and our comfort zone, it can help to remember that she is having a disconnected, due to forced confinement, monitoring and control really hard time and is in need of as much support, affirmation from abusive partners. They often find that connecting with others and inclusion as we can offer. is not safe. Their isolation is reinforced by services that are not accessible for women. The situation is even worse for women who Benefits use substances and/or have mental health concerns. Empowerment In group, as women hear familiar threads in each others’ stories, they overcome some of their feelings of isolation. They realize they A central principle in this group is that women are the experts of are not the only ones who have gone through their experiences. their experience, and that facilitators are not in a position to define This helps women see more clearly that responsibility for the abuse solutions. This curriculum’s approach is different from group lies with the perpetrator, and not themselves. models that seem to suggest the facilitators are “experts,” which reinforces the message that women hear in abusive relationships: that they are ignorant, that someone else—their partner or the facilitator—knows better; that she is the problem that needs to be MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 10 Many women seeking support are currently experiencing abuse or also have partner a experienced physical had and/or sexual violence have in their who relationships. women of 29%–62% that indicate (WHO) Organization Health World the from reports Recent abuse. of experiences with women of percentage high a serving are practitioners providersand Service world. the around women and girls of lives the in pervasive is abuse and Violence Practice 1. and Violence- Trauma- Informed IV. sensitivity can hurt feelings, decrease connection and reduce safety. without honesty that women remind also should but group, the in honesty for strive facilitators that remember to important also is It issue. same the with others help may this as group, the with Encourage women to share all comments, questions and opinions they how “should” told feel. be to women for helpful not is It them. feeling women the for real are feelings All challenged. or judged be not should that relate to experience important an has woman each as interrupting, without attentively other each to listen to women information that helps women on a very practical level. Encourage and experiences sharing other,in each for resource a as serve also difficult very share experiences and to feel affirmed, supported and cared for. to Women women allows atmosphere judgmental non- The another. one to compassionately listen to opportunity In Mutual Support each womantoshare herexperiences. for time adequate is there that ensure offer, so to have facilitators the what than powerful more often women’sis other experiences andoffering ways new of thinking about what has happened to them. Hearing experiences their affirming by women, empowers groups and facilitators offer participants valuable information that symptoms. health mental have or and/ using substance also are is who women This for true message. particularly this reinforce unintentionally and can providers media Service the problem(s).” the “has she or “isthe problem” she that commonly problems—most partner’s the their of definitions to subject are relationships abusive in Women Everyone learnfrom eachother can aig Connections Making SIX GUIDINGCONCEPTS upr gop, oe hv the have women groups, support aig Connections Making support support 34

that many different experiences and events, ranging from motor from ranging events, and experiences different many that recognizes of “trauma” concept The retraumatization. the tries avoid to and trauma, accommodates of experiences with and people of vulnerabilities recognizes care Trauma-informed concerns (e.g.mentalhealthandsubstanceuse). that health many to contributes and poverty) (i.e. consequences social recognizes broader It has also delivery.but trauma, cause can service women against violence of aspects all and into violence abuse about knowledge integrating of importance the reflects approach informed trauma- service and violence- in A encounters. needs support and safety current women’s consider appropriately to but trauma, past recognize only not to approach informed trauma- violence-and a for advocates care, strongly WARP trauma-informed in developed concepts the on Building be inattentive toissuesofsafetyandrisk. often do not recognize the impact of violence and trauma and may are still affected by their experiences, yet traditional service models the context of a woman’s past and/or current experiences of abuse. in understood be to need use substance as such strategies coping future with and survival such, As ordercircumstancesin traumatic survive. to cope and others, other and violence to adapt to to learned Womenhave experiences. relate behave, feel, think, women how on impact significant a have trauma and Violence consequences resulting health from violence. political, social, negative of myriad a of out impact one Traumaoften is consequences. well-being and health economic, socio- widespread and varied the recognize to helps and violence of women’s experiences to central is control and power that us reminds also It women’sviolence. of of control experiences and coercion of context ongoing and gendered the for account and and using the term violence-and trauma- informed, helps to recognize violence naming Explicitly experiences. different many to refer can which ‘trauma’ of concept broader the with it conflate we believe it is important to explicitly name ‘violence’, rather than girls, and women against violence of prevalence high the Given (or events) occurred inthepastisalsooftenmade. gendered a analysis is often lacking. individuals, The assumption that the traumatic event to care appropriate and safe ensure to needed are accommodations practice and policy that recognizes relationships. abusive or abuse sexual childhood like experiences traumatic complex ongoing, It is important to differentiate between single event traumas, from individuals. on psychologicalimpacts long-term serious, have can abuse, sexual childhood to vehiclewar of impacts the to accidents 35 hl te rua discourse trauma the While Violence- and trauma- informed practice is a service and system »» Focuses on empowering women impacted by abuse through response that integrates an understanding of violence and trauma respect and support of their decisions into all levels of care, focuses on underlying safety concerns and »» Works to ensure that women will not have their experiences avoids re-traumatization or minimizing the woman’s experiences. of abuse echoed or compounded in their encounters with When interacting with a woman, there is a heightened awareness providers of the potential for unintentionally replicating the dynamics of »» Takes a collaborative approach with women power and control found in abusive relationships or retraumatizing her in other ways.36 A violence- and trauma- informed approach is not an ‘add-on’ practice but a fundamental shift in the way services are organized Denial and minimization of experiences of and delivered. Services will aspire to counter the dynamics and abuse are used as tactics of psychological impacts of abuse and ensure practices and policies are based on control in abusive relationships and these the needs and realities of women impacted by abuse. This is done can be inadvertently repeated in clinical by thoroughly assessing current practices and service structures to encounters if the clinician is unable to apply uncover potential harms; to increase protective measures; and to an approach that is framed by the need for 36 reduce potential risks embedded in traditional service models. safety, whether we are aware of the context It also means recognizing and honouring the safety strategies of abuse or not.22 women are already employing. Shifting the goal to, and taking Many women choose not to disclose abuse when asked routine precautions for, safety and harm reduction, increases women’s screening questions, so it is vital to develop an inclusive approach access to effective and relevant services. that can address the safety and health issues of women with 11 experiences of abuse, without requiring disclosure or risking Applying Violence- and Trauma-Informed Practice to retraumatization.vii Since providers have no way of distinguishing Making Connections Support Groups between women with experiences of abuse or trauma from those In the Making Connections support groups, we shift the focus from who do not, best practice involves treating all women as if they individual deficits and pathologizing, to instead putting women’s might be survivors of violence and being attentive to spoken behaviours and responses in the context of their past and current and unspoken cues. Focusing on changing practice and service experiences of abuse. Using a violence- and trauma- informed contexts will take the burden off women to disclose, and instead approach, we recognize that women’s lives may continue to be create services that all women can feel comfortable and safe within. controlled by, and their decisions and actions mediated by, fear of Violence- and- Trauma Informed Practice: reprisal from an abusive partner.

»» Recognizes women for their strength and expertise for Non-judgmental listening is one of the most important and surviving and navigating such dangerous situations, powerful responses that can be offered to women with experiences emphasizing adaptations and coping strategies. of violence. Women share their experiences and discover the social and structural nature of their experiences in group, thus removing the blame, shame and responsibility for the abuse. This approach significantly reduces the impacts of abuse for women.

vii. Universal screening research reveals that such practices are potentially harmful, Dr. Carole Warshaw observes that the crucial aspect is having particularly for abused women,”for which the practice is intended (Gielen et al., 2000). In general, the purposes of screening are two-fold: to detect positive cases and to service providers realize: provide efficacious intervention to those in need. Some implicit assumptions that underlay recommendations for screening include that screening is safe, acceptable, and that it results in the provision of positive interventions, which will improve For someone who has been abused... the screened persons health or well-being (Ramsay, Richardson, Carter, Davidson, Feder, 2002). Benefits of this seemingly intuitively appropriate practice have been experiencing equality, safety, mutuality and documented, such as that screening demonstrates to women that someone is interested, that they are not alone, that they can talk about abuse and that it makes it empowerment are essential to the process easier to get help (Gielen et al., 2000; Garcia-Moreno, 2002). of healing and reclaiming one’s sense of self Yet, little evidence exists to suggest that screening results in positive changes to 22 important outcomes, such as women’s safety (Ramsay et al., 2002). Furthermore, Gielen and place in the world. et al.’s (2000) case-control study among abused and non-abused women revealed the troubling finding that screening for abuse could compromise women’s safety, whereas 39.6% of abused women expressed that being screened for abuse would place them Conversations concerning women’s safety (physical and mental at more risk of being hurt by their abuser. As well, the acceptability of screening was low among women impacted by abuse, with almost 50% stating that they would be safety and in relation to the use of substances), are also a vital embarrassed or offended if screened for abuse (Gielen et al., 2000). MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 12 viii. “treated” be to behaviours maladaptive or “problems” as defined be not should abuse ongoing or current to Responses trauma. of experiences with lumped are and/or ignored be may partner a by abuse of experiences women’scurrent models, therapeutic many In abuse. past and current between differentiate not do models trauma existing Many concerns. health mental and use substance including impacts, partners their psychological and physical extensive in result and abuse dominate to efforts persistent Men’s 1. Conflating abuseandtrauma whose lives continuetobeaffected by abuse. models may not fully address the experiences and needs of women women’sto contribution these that concluded review the healing, concerns. health mental use and/or substance violence, of experiences with women support designed to models treatment existing reviewed team project the In developing this partner. a of danger and threat constant the and control dominance, of reign the under living women’sof for experience account not do decision-making, and will, free autonomy,independence, choice, of assumptions societal Underlying violence. gender-based and differences gender of nature social the for account to fail often Women share that traditional therapeutic models or interventions devastating realities theyare surviving. the affirms and isolation; their decreases domination; and power abuse require an approach that specifically counters experiences of experiencing Women decreases. abuse the to related symptoms s the women’sthrough violence of experiences addressing By concerns. health mental and/or use substance of shown—that gender-based violence are central to the development Bridges Building Group Model? Support Why Expandto a and Violence- Trauma- informed experiencing abuse. women by encountered dynamics control and power familiar too of aspects all into delivery, service providers ensuresavoidservice replicating that all knowledge this integrating and approach, safeand isa and coping mechanisms. Employing strategies a violence- and trauma-informed safety strategize and the group discuss to place that welcoming highlights This group. of part upport groups, pre- and post-measures show that mental health mental that show post-measures and pre- groups, upport Including ATRIUM,Including Safety,TREM, Seeking Beyond Trauma. focus groups affirm what other studies have studies other what affirm groups focus Making Connections Support Group Curriculum viii While we highly admire their admire highly we While Making Connections Making , urn tetet n spot oes o ti pplto of population this for models support and treatment Current 3. Focus onindividualchange threaten andcontrol women. friends family,and to continue to means other and finances, communities cultural court, family systems, welfare child children, using separation, after long abusive be to continue men Abusive women For assumption. safe a abuse. not is this partner, a ongoing from abuse experiencing by threatened not is safety their that assume sometimes but perpetrator, a from abuse of result a be can women’strauma that recognize models trauma Complex safety2. Not oncurrent focusing and violence. is acknowledged as one impact or response to experiences of abuse the In violence. and as signs of trauma, but rather viewed as natural responses to abuse retraumatizing service encounters. retraumatizing service and partner a from harassment court investigations, welfare child social realities of poverty, women’s livedisolation, oppression, housing insecurity, address not do also they Often, concerns. safety women’saddress or immediate abuse women’sof realities for current account not do often and together, trauma and violence of as work anti-violence treatment the “traumalump to work.”tend models trauma Some (mis)naming toward providers and care researchers service health among shift aconcerning is There account 4. Not taking social, genderand power into dynamics other perpetrator). or partner abusive an with herself assert or to boundaries try establish to women teach to safe not is it (e.g. risks their increase practical and safety pressing that strategies employ women suggest actually may and concerns, most their tooffer for support fail women may approach This change). lasting prevent may and actions their dictate may control their outside forces (when actions that and decisions assume their for and responsible solely one are individuals internal an as “problem” the view may self-soothing— and regulation affect setting, visualization, assertiveness, boundary grounding, as trauma—such from heal and with cope to women support to employed techniques Current have limitedchoices,freedom andautonomy. women which in context controlling and dangerous ongoing the women often focus on personal change but do not always recognize Making Connections Making support groups, trauma groups, support Using “trauma” to describe women’s experiences of violence from context of gender identity. This approach recognizes that what a partner, and ignoring the social reality of women’s inequality and happens to women (as a result of being female) has a profound gender-based violence, may result in inappropriate services being impact on their lives, and that women bring these experiences of funded—and runs the risk of funding being lost for essential anti- inequality, discrimination, poverty, violence and abuse into their violence advocacy and support services that focus on wider social encounters with service providers. Similarly, service providers change. may carry unexamined, underlying ideas about women into their practice. 5. Belief that “treating the addiction” is the most important Applying a Women-Centered, Gender-Informed Approach to Making Connections Support Groups Evidence points to substance use being a coping and/or safety strategy for women, or a method of control by abusive partners. In Making Connections, we emphasize understanding “what has However, addictions treatment models often view the addiction happened to her” rather than “what is wrong with her.”37 As so as the primary problem requiring treatment, rather than many women report being blamed for their circumstances, this understanding that abuse may be central to the development of new framework helps mitigate the “harms of help” by recognizing substance use and addiction for the majority of girls and women. that women are not problematic—their circumstances are.

By encouraging or enforcing abstinence, these treatment A women-centred approach is based on the assumption that approaches can increase women’s risks and remove their safety women know their own reality best and that practitioners must strategies. Women are being set up to fail when we expect them to listen carefully to women describe their needs and the context 13 reduce or abstain from substance use without appropriate attention of their lives, in their own words and in their own ways. It to their current safety. While emerging models attempt to treat also recognizes that women are best served by a system of care “concurrent disorders” of trauma and substance use, current that acknowledges women’s differences from men. The key abuse is often still not a significant part of the treatment. Because principles include a focus on equality and equity; empowerment; woman abuse and other experiences of violence often precede the choice; autonomous identity (more than just a “mom” or a development of substance use, the therapeutic question needs to “wife”); partnership; self-determination; respect; safety; control; be reframed as “how does woman abuse impact substance use?” confidentiality; and consent. In the Making Connections support groups, women’s motivations 3. Harm Reduction for Women with and intentions are not judged. The groups recognize that even if women are ready to make changes, external forces (such as her Experiences of Abuse partner) may control those choices. Abusers may introduce their partners to alcohol or drug use to increase their dependence and to control their behaviour. Some “[My counsellor] suggested, ‘maybe you women use substances to placate their abusive partners and create should go to another counsellor and they temporary safety; others use substances to numb or escape the can delve deep into you’…and I am like emotional and physical impact of violence. Since the vast majority ‘I don’t want someone to dive deep into of women who use substances have current experience with and/ my psyche. I just want to tell you what I or histories of abuse, in Making Connections we aim to adopt an am thinking about right now…I just need approach to harm reduction that encompasses women’s safety somebody else to hear what I am saying, concerns: when substance use is viewed as a safety or coping not to dive deep into my head.’” strategy, violence or abuse in a woman’s life may need to be —Judy, Building Bridges addressed before the “symptom” or coping mechanism (i.e. the use of substances) can be reduced or withdrawn. 2. Women-Centred, Gender-Informed Approach The women-centred, gender-informed approach in Making Connections focus on women’s health and safety needs in the MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 14 support theydeserve. support the getting and out reaching for women commend always should Wenot. or using is woman a whether not needs, she support the getting is woman a safety. whether and becomes health focus The normalize relapses as part of the process of moving towards greaterto want we relapse; they if fall big a for up women set also may feel (i.e. they are “unclean” or “dirty” groupif they are the using). Suchin praise women other make may it how of “clean”because being or sobriety praises that language avoid we groups these In joint andmusclepain,anxiety, depression andsleepdisorders. acute or chronic headaches, chronic including abuse, to related medications prescribed to by health addicted care providers become for health women concerns that be may factors compounding an abusive may precipitate partner’s substances use of increased violence or other control tactics. Further using stop to Efforts my face; Ididn’t heknew want to drink.” to nearhim.Hewould be putaglassunder bring alcohol over, oryou hadto drinkjust “He wouldn’t hewould letmenotdrink, women’s substanceuse. using substances. This reflects the complexity and risks inherent in stop or start to choose to able be not may women that recognize to encompass substance use as a safety and/or coping strategy, and In Groups Support to HarmReduction Applying but shemaynot. substances, of use her reduce to decide may She support. helpful providing and safety her is woman the for concern primary Our abuse. of impact the of part is which substances, woman’sof use the on not woman, the of abuse partner’s the on focus the put we abuse, woman of context the in use substance view we When memories out.” just self-medicate. Trying to pushthose flashbacks come.It’s justa constant. We abuse. once And you stop usingthem andmaskthe usethedrugs to“We try Making Connections Making —Beth, —Carole, Building Bridges Building Bridges , we broaden the view of harm reduction harm of view the broaden we ,

Making Connections Making

» » » » » » » » inequities: social andstructural from harms additional face violence of experiences Womenwith various formsofoppression thatcanintersect. experience they that and identities, and roles different of number The 4. Intersectionality Connections experiencing. be may women marginalization and to essential it’s facilitator a As Connections Approach to anAnti-Oppressive Applying sexism, racism,heterosexism, ableismandageism. andinjustice directed toward a subordinate exploitation group. Forms of oppression include abuse, systematic the from benefits relationship a between describes groups or categories and of people in level, which a dominant systems group a on as well as level individual an on enacted be “Oppression”can level. systems and groupshave powerthe enforceto prejudice their individual the at privileged the Only privilege. and power to access differing have In 5. Anti-Oppression children. their for andsecurity— and themselves safety financially—for and socially physically, it to create make women also for They difficult extremely marginalization. and violence in trapped women keeping in role huge a play factors compounding These » » » » » » » » » » » » » » Making Connections Making Social discrimination. Lack ofaccesstolegalservices. Lack ofaccessible(locationandcost)childcare. Lack oftransportation. Threat oflosingchild(ren) orchildprotection. topartner Inability toafford healthcare andotherservices. Housing andfood insecurity. Poverty. Lack ofaccessiblepremises forwomenwithdisabilities. forlesbianandtrans-gendered women. Lack ofservices refugee women. forAboriginal women,immigrantand Lack ofservices Making Connections Making , our anti-oppressive approach includes acknowledging Support Groups Support , we recognize that different social groups social different that recognize we , approach recognizes that women have a have women that recognizes approach attempt to reduce the oppression the reduce to attempt Making Making In Making the power and privilege we have as facilitators, and actively women whether what she is doing is actually having the intended working to shift this power towards inclusiveness, accessibility, effect, or whether there are alternatives that could increase her equity and social justice. Create a safe environment where women safety. have the opportunity to direct the topic or conversation, and feel comfortable raising questions and challenging facilitators. One Linking the Safety of Women and Their Children way to do this is to speak with credibility, not authority. It is not In Making Connections, we create a support approach that is always about having the right answer, but about creating space to empowering for women by exemplifying respectful, collaborative discuss and explore issues as a group. Facilitators can also work to working relationships between providers and clients. Women promote values of inclusiveness and acceptance. report that sometimes the support services add to the harms they have experienced in their lives. Women experience 6. Safety disempowerment and loss of autonomy in abusive relationships, Being part of a Making Connections support group can be very and they bring this experience into their encounters with service healing for women. It can also surface many difficult experiences providers, no matter how well-intentioned. and feelings that can be overwhelming, especially if women are Biases about women who experience abuse are intensified when talking about them openly for the first time. It is crucial to make women are mothers, and can result in blaming mothers for risks or sure that this is a group where everyone feels heard, supported harms to their children.38 This is compounded when women are and safe. A woman’s safety is not limited to her physical safety; substance using and/or have mental health concerns. “safety” also includes emotional safety, as well as safety around her mental health and use of substances. Facilitators should create A woman with children, who is in an abusive relationship, has 15 opportunities each week to address women’s sense of safety. to go to great lengths to calculate how to protect herself and her children. Service providers report that many women leave their Women in the group will be at various stages of understanding, abusive partner when they perceive that their children are at risk. dealing with, and healing from their experiences of abuse, as well Despite this, many frequently ask, “Why do battered women as their substance use and/or mental health concerns. Their safety stay when this places them and their children in jeopardy?” This (or lack of) will potentially impact what they remember, what question misses the way abused women calculate their risks and they are comfortable discussing, and how “present” they are able make decisions about leaving. A woman may ask herself: “If I to be in group. If women feel that they are being pressured to leave, will the violence be worse?” “Should I leave and place myself participate beyond what they are comfortable with, the group will and my children in poverty?” “If I leave and live on less money, not be a safe and supportive space for them. The facilitator’s role my children will have to live in a more dangerous neighbourhood; is to create as much safety within the group setting as possible, so should I do this to them?” “Should I leave and risk losing my that women can be fully in charge of whether they speak, and how children in a custody battle with their abusive father?” Deciding to much they share. leave her relationship does not guarantee the elimination of risks; Safety and Support Planning it may bring them to the forefront.

In the first week ofMaking Connections support groups, facilitators When children and youth witness the abuse of their mothers, lead a discussion about safety and support needs. Women complete rather than holding the perpetrator responsible, women may be the Making a Support Plan handout (Appendix C) which raises blamed for the harm to their children. Furthermore, women can awareness about safety and support for both the women and the be subject to intense scrutiny as “bad mothers” and held up to facilitators. In discussions about safety, facilitators must always impossible standards to prove their ability to protect and parent acknowledge that women are the best judge of whether they are their children. Women who experience abuse are often very able to act on their needs, their desire for change, or their goal to isolated. Some women sever relationships with friends and family reduce or stop using. Women are the best judges of their safety; because they fear they will be judged. They may feel like they they are already engaged in safety strategies even if they have not are going crazy and are reluctant to tell friends or professionals articulated a “formal safety plan.” The strategies may not appear about their experiences. Some women may have told a family to be “safe” to those outside her context, but she is the expert of member, friend or professional about her partner’s abuse and may her experience. As facilitators, you may gently and respectfully ask have been given unsafe advice, been judged, or blamed for the MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 16 of poverty, racism and isolation. Women who have experienced have who Women isolation. and racism poverty, of to harms systemic the from and lengths assaults physical from them protect great to go and safety children’s their about deeply children. their and themselves of well-being and safety the maintaining on focus a with predominantly but ways, different many in abuse and violence to respond Women a professional. from help seek they if maintained be not will privacy their that fear may women communities, small In vulnerable. them more making even services, safety and support from far isolated be victims. the assist to action taking community the in one no with years, for neighbourhood detection becomes likely, while other families may live in the same whenever frequently families their move may men Some abuse. 39 Women in rural communities may communities rural Womenin ot oe care women Most to womenandchildren’s safety, andnotcompromising it. providers need to be certain that their efforts are truly contributing attempted to find support for themselves and their children. solving, safety strategies and crisis management. They have usually creativefor havecapacity abuse developedenormous an problem- Service Service 1. Focus on Women’s Safety and Well- PART 2— Being Sometimes helping professionals, friends or family do not stay FACILITATION: The focused on the woman’s safety and well-being. The focus can shift to the relationship, attempting to “keep the family together” at Fundamentals of all cost; to the children and their safety, as if it is independent of their mother’s safety; or to mental health, addictions or childhood Facilitating Making experiences of abuse, a shift that will not keep the woman safe in the present. In this group, we keep our focus on the woman, her Connections Support safety and well-being. Groups 2. Believe Women 100% of the Time 17 Generally, women who have experienced abuse are not believed. Often this is because their partner is good at presenting his I. KEY GUIDING PRINCIPLES FOR perspective, while women are often harshly judged for failed relationships. In this group, there is no debate or questioning FACILITATORS of women’s experiences of abuse. To say, “it could not have been Making Connections support groups use a principle-based that bad,” or “surely you are exaggerating,” is devastating. Women approach. These principles permeate every interaction we have tend to under-report abuse and downplay incidents, so in fact, the with women—before, during, and after group: that women’s abuse is very likely worse than women are saying. It is incredibly experiences of abuse are believed, that we trust women know powerful for a woman to know that she is being believed. better than we do about their experiences, and that the facilitator’s role is to affirm their realities while helping them gain a deeper 3. Affirm Women’s Reality: “Taking Sides” insight into the dynamics and impacts of abuse. Facilitators Abusive men can be charming and convincing. It is normal for must have genuine care and compassion for women, as women’s men who are abusive to “groom” service providers, friends, family feedback highlights the critical importance of the quality of this and communities and convince them of their side of the story. relationship. However, to become an ally to the abuser, or even to remain Women in the Building Bridges study expressed how painful it was neutral in a situation of abuse, is to give more power to the abuser to encounter service providers who were inattentive to their needs, or risk becoming complicit in oppressing the women experiencing or who were judgmental. The women described the importance abuse. In this group, we align ourselves with the women we are of having relationships with supportive professionals free from supporting. For a woman to feel truly safe it is crucial that our coercion, inequality, harmful power dynamics, and judgments or support not be compromised by communicating with her abusive punitive consequences, so that they might experience relationships partner. It is never acceptable to “switch sides” and become a of trust, mutuality and respect. It is the facilitators’ role to earn that support person or advocate for the abusive-partner. To do so is a trust. Before we get into the “nuts and bolts” of this curriculum, gross violation of trust. let us introduce some principles that guide all interactions with women in the group. MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 18 hers and that we is will support her,decision unconditionally,the no that matter what her assure to need but go, might she places knows the number of a transition house. We can brainstorm other she Wesurewhile. make short away,can a getting for about even think to her encourage and fears our express can we partner, her with living danger in is woman a that feel we If decisions. own their make women offer ultimately but appropriate, can when suggestions We safety. of determiner best the is situation, the in living woman, The dangerous. be to out turn might advice our because advice, women give not do we safety: and empowerment knowrespect, about is concept This themselves? possibly women the than more else anyone could How children. and partners relationships, lives, own their on experts the are they women tell is attitude we group, an this In disempowering. Such and disrespectful herself. misguided, woman the than better” “know they that think often professionals helping and family Friends, Relationships on LivesTheir Own Experts and 5. Understandthat Women Are the in them support to making decisionsthatare rightforthem. but partners, their leave to them assist to abuse. In this group, we remind women that group is not designed of situations in normal completely is it day—but the throughout forth and back flipping emotions—often to conflicting exhausting such is hold It time. same the at all him,” with out things “work and him” from away far get to “want both might they or emotions about their partner; they might both love and hate him, conflicting have to women for normal is It unpredictable. reality their keep and women confuse to is abuser an of goals Onethe of Emotions Concerning Their Partners 4. Validate Women’s Conflicting in theReframing Exercise (see themselves and for their children. decisions We will good say more about making this concept are they trusting forward move can they competent, and wise as themselves see women When again. “voice” inner own their trust to and accurately, more strengths arecrazy). or stupid Wethemselvestheir see and women help can they that (e.g. true not to are that come themselves about Womenthings believe self-worth. of sense woman’s a down wears Abuse opportunity. every at highlighted and acknowledged are strengths their deficient; as seen never are women group, this In 3. Affirm Women’s Strengths Module 6 ). themselves whethergroup isaplacetheycanfeelsafe. for assess and groupthe observe in to time need will participating Womeninformation. personal share to risk, at or vulnerable, feel too also may women Some some. for upsetting be may stories women’s other to listening and Disclosing levels. comfort own women’s respect to important very is it However, safety. create allowing them to set their own limits for self disclosure. This helps while stories their share to women encourage we group, this another. In one from learn to women enables also It others. with closeness and connection increases experiences personal Sharing Disclosure 6. Women Self- LimitsOn Set Their Own and canonlyhappenwhenthewomanisready forittohappen. possible, as planning and care thought, much as needs Leaving partners. their leave they when death and injury serious of risk most “leave.”at arewomen Wewomen that that insist know friends and family professionals, helping Some do. to decides she to maketheirown decisions. do,” but instead offer support and information that allows women this In group, children. we do not their have an agenda for of what we and think women “should themselves for both safer is and preparation work, their leaving is often less traumatic, less chaotic, this do to opportunity the have at women When options. looking housing and job a getting money, saving information, legal gathering involve may planning the as place in plan” “leaving a of safety, but most women take weeks, months and even years because to put suddenly leave women Sometimes quickly. happen often not does it partners, their leave to decide do women when Even need. they abuse of evidence clear the have and alternatives all exhausted have they until relationship abusive and an leave to or disrespectful end to ready is not are direction women most Also, certain dangerous. potentially a in women Pushing Leave Their Relationships 8. There isNo Agenda to Have Women partners. and Abuse is only one aspect volunteersof a woman’s life, daughters, and does not define her. sisters, being workers, including mothers, roles, and identities many have group woman— attend whole who a women The intellectual. being and physical spiritual, as emotional, recognized is participant Each Woman’s Life ofa Quality 7. AbuseisNot theDefining 40 , 41

Co-facilitators must have a strong, respectful and honest working II. COUNTERING POWER: relationship for the Making Connections support groups to run CREATING SAFETY smoothly. There is no right or wrong way to share the work, but it is important to be organized and prepared, and to model a Dr. Carole Warshaw emphasizes the potential for harm if providers respectful and equal working relationship. are not aware of power differences:

It is important to recognize that Before group begins, go over the curriculum and get to know revictimization can take place in clinical one another. Become familiar with each other’s working styles, interactions and that the distortion of including your philosophical and theoretical approaches. Discuss meaning and denial of experience that are how you will share group responsibilities, such as how co- used as tactics of psychological control in facilitators will interact (i.e. are both facilitators comfortable with abusive relationships can be inadvertently each other jumping in with ideas or examples?). repeated in health care encounters if the Before each group session, be clear on what material is going to clinician is unable to recognize and validate be covered and who will take the lead for each part of group; the traumatic context in which a person’s one facilitator may take the lead on check-in, and the other 22 symptoms develop and are perpetuated. facilitator when it comes to presenting the module. These roles Making Connections support groups are effective because might switch the following week. The facilitator who is taking they create the space and opportunity for women to discover the background role in a given situation can watch the group relationships built on equality and mutuality. Facilitators create dynamic more, and can help ensure that everyone gets a chance 19 a comfortable, accepting and safe environment where women are to speak if they want to. valued, listened to and respected, a unique experience for many Take the time together every week to debrief the session, including participating women. Service providers must acknowledge the group process and participant feedback. Recognize that you both power imbalances in their work with women and do what they come from different sectors and/or training, so you likely come can to create equal and respectful relationships, so that women from different working paradigms and a different understanding have a safe and positive experience—one that is counter to their of intersecting issues. The debrief session is a good time to discuss experiences in abusive relationships. any areas you are struggling with and/or need consensus on. Supporting women to gain a deeper understanding of their Within the co-facilitating team, it is important to recognize that experiences of dominance and control, helps them have new anti-violence service providers may have a deeper understanding relationship experiences within the context of the group that are of women’s experiences of abuse, and of women’s experiences built on respect, mutuality, equality and care. This is an important in trying to access mental health and addictions services. Anti- opportunity for women to (re)learn their value, strength and violence service providers can assist their co-facilitators from other capacity to love and be loved. fields in adopting a violence-informed approach.

The Co-Facilitator Relationship It is challenging to facilitate support groups of this nature and to Offering a group where providers support women in partnership hear women’s experiences of abuse. Stories of abuse are hard to sends an important message to women. Throughout WARP’s hear. It is also extremely difficult to hear stories of how various consultations, women repeatedly and consistently voiced requests systems have failed women. Co-facilitators should share with for this type of support. Making Connections groups should be co- each other how they are personally affected by what they hear in facilitated by experienced facilitators/service providers that have an group. It can be helpful to process feelings of sadness, outrage, anti-violence, mental health and/or addictions background. This powerlessness, frustration or a sense of injustice with your co- reflects women’s range of experiences and helps women get more facilitator, to ensure that you are centred and compassionate of their needs met at one time—support for their experiences of in your response to women in the group. Sometimes it is also abuse, as well as support for their substance use and/or mental appropriate to share these feelings with the group, as it will affirm health concerns. women’s experiences. MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 20 cultural issues. Never make assumptions or generalizations, and generalizations, or assumptions make Never issues. cultural an openness to learn and be corrected if you are misunderstanding demonstrate and this acknowledge to good is it not, are you and location cultural particular a fromare group the in women the of Be aware of your own cultural location as you lead a group. If many » » » » » » To facilitatediversity inthegroups: ortakeaction. seek support recognized as factors that affect women’s ability to make decisions, are oppressions intersecting these that ensure to discussions all to perspective anti-oppression relationships;an bring to responsibility facilitators’ sex co- the is It same disabled. are who women or in poor; are who women women women; refugee Aboriginal immigrant, and experiences—including and needsand the oppressions in-depth not explore barriers, other face that abuse by impacted women of experiences does curriculum This Embracing Diversity intheGroups important.” for thewoman andherchildren was really able to share ourfrustration andourfears co-facilitator feltthesameway.My Being withangerattheMinistry.overwhelmed thenightmaredescribe shewas living. Iwas from theirmom.Ilistened to thewoman separatedit! Ithought ofthoselittlekids ‘should have sooner.’ left Icould notbelieve saidshe buttheMinistry herpartner left forherkids. Shehad actually create safety weeks. Shewas working really hard to from her. ingroup Shehadbeen forten took awoman’s Ministry “The children » » » » » » present in our institutions and service delivery systems. delivery present inourinstitutions andservice Acknowledge thebarriers,discriminationandracismthatare Select examplesfrom avariety ofcultures andgroups. Avoid usingstereotypes whendiscussingculturalpractices. individual lifeexperience. Recognize andacknowledge differingperceptions basedon of aculture populationgroup. orofa certain View eachpersonasanindividualandnotarepresentative how thismayaffectinteractionsinthegroup. Acknowledge your own socialandprofessional locationand —Group facilitator, Making Connections help or even acknowledging the abuse. The internalization of internalization The abuse. the acknowledging even or seeking help to barriers increased create and isolation increase may relationships same-sex in tactics abusive The identity. gender or one’sinsulting and/ or sexual workers, protection child including “out” them to their family, friends, community or service providers transphobic abusive tactics to control their partner, threatening to and/or heterosexist use may partner abusive An relationships. sex same- in women for dynamics unique some be also may There of sense person’s a entitlement andmisuseofpower, andisnotsimplyaboutgender. from comes abuse that clearly see us helps abuse same-sex of reality The abuse. financial and psychological of forms abuse as same in heterosexual relationships, such as physical, emotional, the of consists relationships same-sex in Abuse SexRelationships Recognizing Same understanding. and experience your of limits the about honest and curious be have learned not to listen to this voice, or that it is dangerous to dangerous is it that or voice, this to listen to not learned have may Womenrelationship. a in okay is what about “voice” inner or intuition wisdom, internal personal, no has she suggesting are We abuse. detect cannot and wrong from right know not does is normalbecauseshewasabusedasachild,we are suggestingshe abuse thinks woman a that suggest weIf ownwisdom. their from offthem cut or women for themany disempower can out facilitators ways subtle watch and oflanguage, use your on Reflect fine. pace, thatisperfectly the with comfortable is group the and curriculum the through You may still not cover all the modules, but if you only get halfway Connections definitely a challenge to balance is these needs, which is It why experiences. their understand to way accurate more a gain women the helping to crucial are modules these as modules, six first the least at through get to group the for time enough give to curriculum this in important is it time, same the At do. also may that they need to listen to an “authority.” This is what their partners message the sending and women silencing risk we material, cover If we focus too much on the module and rush or cut women off to As facilitators, we create a space where women can tell their stories. Using Your Role to Empower Women and mostimportantly, abusefrom apartner. relationships, identity, sexual/gender their about talk to women for difficult it make also may oppression) (internalized society in beliefs and messages heterosexist and transphobic homophobic, support group support

sessions are two and a half hours long. hours half a and aretwo sessions Making act on what they know, but the internal wisdom is there. Part of participants, empower women, and to encourage mutual support the purpose of group is to help women hear their inner “voice” and sharing—not to entrench ourselves in a position of power. and to trust it. If we suggest that previous abuse has destroyed her voice, we may leave her feeling like she is not a whole person. We 2. Responsive facilitators are attentive have removed her from being the expert on her own life and put We listen to the needs of participants, consult with them and hear ourselves in that position. their concerns. We listen to the mood, the energy and underlying tone of the group as a whole. Be conscious of group trust and III. QUALITIES OF GOOD SUPPORT confidentiality. Watch interactions that have potential to impact PEOPLE the safety of the group. Women come to this support group at a time in their life 3. Responsive facilitators understand they make when they are vulnerable. The facilitators must have excellent mistakes communication skills, a high level of personal maturity, a good We do not expect perfection from ourselves and acknowledge our sense of how they can contribute to women’s safety and healing, mistakes honestly. As responsible leaders, we take responsibility and a solid understanding of the issues surrounding woman for mistakes without making excuses or minimizing, and work to abuse. Participants in a women’s support group based on the book address any harm, problems or misunderstandings our mistakes When Love Hurts: A woman’s Guide to Understanding Abuse may create. We accept criticism and are willing to learn and in Relationships were asked what qualities make a good support change. person. The women came up with the list below: 21

A good support person: 4. Responsive facilitators share personal experiences We share experiences from our personal lives and express our »» Believes me 100% of the time. feelings where appropriate. We take care to be self-aware and »» Is concerned about my emotional and physical well-being thoughtful in our use of self-disclosure, to affirm and encourage more than about my partner or the relationship. participants—not to feed our own egos or meet our own needs. »» Is trustworthy and respects the confidentiality of what I say. »» Recognizes my strengths and affirms me. A Responsible Facilitator »» Is dependable and reasonably available when needed. 1. Responsible facilitators use their power to empower »» Is honest about what isn’t understood and is willing to listen others and learn from me. We use power to affirm, create safety, share information, strengthen »» Is sensitive to how painful this is for me. and encourage—not to disregard, disrespect or humiliate women »» Does not have an agenda (e.g. to get me to leave, or to stay). in group. »» Is willing to be a sounding board and a reality check. 2. Responsible facilitators are responsible with time »» Is supportive of my parenting. management Here are some additional ideas about the skills and attitudes of a We invite participants to be mindful of time, as a way for all Making Connections support group facilitator: of us to be respectful to ourselves and others, allowing enough time for all to have equal opportunity to share. During the first A Responsive Facilitator session of the group we explain the needs to balance our time 1. Responsive facilitators nurture others for check-in and check-out with time for the group activities, as all components are equally valuable. If a woman identifies a We use skills, knowledge, information and experience to enrich the need for more sharing time, we can suggest alternative options group dynamics, recognize and affirm the wisdom and strengths of for support (i.e. sharing contact information, offering to meet in between groups). We assure women that when they call us outside MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 22 women as capable and competent experts ontheirownwomen ascapableandcompetentexperts lives. while respecting information helpful and support assistance, offer to seek We journey. their on women with companions are We women they work with facilitators1. Respectful have for the deeprespect FacilitatorA Respectful impose anagenda. “at,”are they wherearound support not do and pace their respect their experiences than they are comfortable with. We or offer women themselves about more offer to pressured or spot the on put Womenthemselves. of carenever aretake themselves”to “be and the to sensitivity to them encourage in. great We are women circumstances life difficult and empathy compassion, show We vulnerabilities ofgroup participants 4. Responsible facilitators recognize the effects onthem. negative had has they’veoffered advice been the how explore can group the that so it, of impact the and from came angry” being “not of idea the where explore to useful be may it others, from women’smany As respected. arecome experiences have and ideas perspectives their that feel women help to statement, difficult the made has who woman the to way respectful caring, a in this do always must We perspectives. alternative or broader eliciting or offering gently by group the in others cause might statement a such damage potential the mitigate we facilitators, angry.”As be for disempowering other women to hear. or A participant may say “it is harmful important to not potentially are that statements make group the in women Sometimes stories. their to in response say others what and saying are women what about care We group 3. Responsible facilitators for everyone care inthe service that providers don’t feel have timeforthem. often they that recognize and needs women’s for care to way responsible a is This both. for convenient is that time a at meet to arrangements make will needed, if and have we time much how about clearly communicate will wegroup, the of as well as for each individual. We focus attention on the group the on attention focus We individual. each for as well as We show deep commitment and concern for the group as a whole, and care facilitators3. Respectful demonstrate professionalism for womentoconsider. be attentive to how we make suggestions or offer alternative views must and relationships, participant facilitator/group in replicated We must recognize that the dynamics of power and control can be “orderedhave around.”who them partners abusive of dominance the under lived have who women alienate “givingmay advice”of hint slightest The role. our of nature the by us in placed trust the misusing of power, risk our at are of unreflective we and unaware are we If serve. we women the to relation in good, for or harm Wefor used be can powerfacilitators our as ways the areawareof oftheirroledynamics facilitators2. Respectful are self-aware ofthepower We ensure andendsatthesettime. thatgroup starts 2. Reliable facilitators ofpeople’s are respectful time creating in safety. part a plays that continuity of sense a maintaining to committed are we show and participants with trust Webuild session 1. Reliable facilitators committo attending each A Reliable Facilitator fun. and playfulness humour, of sense a nurturing and relationships; pursuing support; peer interests completely unrelated training; to work; nurturing healthy personal skills and learning ongoing care; spiritual work; from arising issues other and traumatization vicarious debrief to care therapeutic exercise; physical including care, self to committing ourselves—by with gentle and “It kind be if...” wonder “I (i.e. also must think...”).we seems...”“I gentleness, Toin others serve approach open and non-assuming curious, more a take and statements judgment using avoid We facilitators4. Respectful are gentle “proving ourselves” orprotecting ouregos. about worry not do facilitators Respectful ourselves. on not and 3. Reliable facilitators are emotionally constant to ensure she is okay. Sometimes a woman needs some individual support in a separate setting for a few minutes. The content of We are emotionally consistent, to help women feel safe and group and the sharing of stories can be overwhelming. Since comfortable coming to and participating in group. Women in there are two facilitators, one can spend a few minutes with an abusive relationships have to constantly anticipate their abusive individual woman until she feels able to return to the group. If a partner’s moods and adjust accordingly. Participating in a group woman decides to leave, ensure she has transportation and has had where women know what to expect from a facilitator allows them a chance to think about her safety. to focus on themselves during the group time, which can be a powerful experience. In Making Connections support groups, the goal is to be as open and inclusive to all women as possible. IV. FACILITATING WOMEN’S Promoting and Advertising SUPPORT GROUPS Most women will come to a Making Connections support group because someone has told them about it. Our curriculum includes Getting Started: Who Can Join? a promotional poster (see Appendix A) and we encourage you to A woman decides for herself if the group is right for her. If a have this displayed throughout your community, but a poster alone woman knows the group is for women who have experienced will not get most women to group. A personal invitation is much abuse, substance use and/or mental health concerns and wants to more powerful. It is essential that you network with colleagues be part of the group, she is welcome to join. This means that a who work in the addiction, mental health, anti-violence and other 23 woman does not have to “prove” that abuse has happened to her. relevant sectors. When these providers know about the group and Also, women can join the group even if the abuse happened some understand the kind of support it offers women, they can direct time ago. If a woman feels that she would like to have support to women to it. The best advertising ultimately happens from woman share and/or process her experiences, she should be invited to be to woman. As you offer group repeatedly, many women will come part of the group. Women also do not require a clinical diagnosis because another woman told her about her positive experience. and are not screened. We want to create an open and welcoming This “word of mouth” promotion takes time to develop, sobe environment from our first contact with women, offering them an prepared to do a significant amount of initial networking and experience that is counter to their past experiences where they may promotion to get groups started in your community. have been judged or excluded from services. First Meeting We do not have an agenda to ask women to stop using substances. If a woman is planning to stop using either “street” or prescription Women can refer themselves to Making Connections support medication, facilitators can support her and also connect her groups. They have likely heard about the group from a friend with other community or health resources to support her in this or helping professional. Still, it takes an enormous amount of process. However, given the personal and emotional content of the courage for a woman to come to a support group concerning group discussions, women may need to continue their use if it has abuse, substance use and/or mental health concerns. been a coping strategy for them. Facilitators will need to connect Women are more likely to come to group if they have had a chance with women each week around their safety and other concerns to meet one of the facilitators beforehand. Do meet with each that emerge from the group process. This connecting may happen woman individually before she comes to group, to help her feel in or outside of group. Additional support outside of the group more comfortable about attending. setting may be necessary. (See Week One—Support Plan.) At this first meeting, facilitators should answer women’s questions We do ask that women are able to manage themselves in a group about group. Some women carry the same stereotypes of “battered setting. It is great if women participate in the group discussion women” that are common among the general public and think that and exercises, but not necessary. Women can always “pass” on an they will not relate to “these women,” but once the women meet invitation to participate. If women are having trouble during a each other, this concern usually disappears. They might also be session, facilitators can privately ask women what they need. If nervous about what is expected of them; a woman might feel she a woman steps out of the room, one facilitator should follow her MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 24 things theymightexperience: helpful the of examples some provide helpful—and profoundly by reassuring them that once they participate, they will find group “sell”women gently group,to do groupattending the about fears and reservations have may experiences complex with women As groups, andcommunicatethisplantowomeninthegroup. between women support to services crisis or anti-violence local your with plan a Develop clock. the around assist to available are an emergency, she should not have the impression that facilitators in youarework,but when at her follow with youwill up that her house will pay for a taxi or work with her to develop a transition plan. Assure local the that sure make phone, a have not do they If phone). a have they (if services counselling crisis telephone hour 24 other or VictimLink access to how of and 911, calling when the number for the local transition house, be aware of what to say Discuss what to do in an emergency or crisis. Women should have experiences ofabuse. relationships, theywillfindmanyoftheexercises relevant totheir heterosexual within abuse the of experiences although on based that is curriculum know them let to sure be relationships, sex same in violence experienced have who women with meet you If with womeniftheyhave anyfoodallergiesandpreferences. c Also, able. and readyare they when back come to welcome Assure available. if subsidies, women that if they miss group, even childcare more than once, that they are and travel of women Inform group. in participating actively or attending in face may them any time during the sixteen weeks to discuss challenges they to come to women invite also and time this at women with solve problem- can Facilitators childcare. getting difficulty or poverty health, mental and/or physical compromised as such day, every challenges face may concerns health mental and/or use substance them to challenges violence, of experiences any with regularly.Women group foresee attending they if women with Discuss what thefacilitatorscandoifthisshouldarise. and them, for difficult or unsafe particularly are that behaviours the most out of it. Ask women if there are certain words, topics or get them help to facilitators the from need they what and group, Womenfor Space on section (See experiences their and women other for respect and non-violence confidentiality, participation: for guidelines group’s the Discuss not). will she that her (assure group in speak to forced be will or violence of experiences her about openly talk to required be will Group AgreementsGroup ). Ask women what they hope to get out of the of out get to hope they what women Ask ). in Module One: Creating a Safe a CreatingOne: Module heck e eun i ti febc, hc i nt ad o o Women do: constantly amaze us with their wisdom, strength, compassion and to hard not is which feedback, wantto this in Wealways genuine be women. with contact first our from right feedback affirming offering begin can We asset. an be will skills communication strong her that say can you articulate, and bright group and say you will enjoy having her in group; if the woman is the for helpful be will that something as her to back those reflect meeting, first your during woman a in strengths discover you If » » » » » » to break down ifthe group drops below fourregular participants. begins dynamic group the promotion; and advertising more do sessions. If you have fewer than this, consider waiting to begin and individual miss will women some that and weeks, sixteen of end start with six women, you will not likely have all six women by you the if that Remember group. the start you before attending, to committed women six least at have you until wait do possible, If the idealnumber. women’sgroupa with than larger start to lives,try to good is it so happen with these groups because of the challenging nature of the as will Attrition women. twelve as many as with and women four as little fine works group the but women, eight to six about is for a number” “ideal The Group Having Numberof theRight Women for to remind date,timeandlocation. herofthestart beforedays couple a her email or call to okay groupis it if begins, know what form of contact (if any) is safe for her. Ask the woman and email, and number phone her haveMakeyouunaware).sure is she assume not do so services, community of aware are women (many interested is a she if with resources, her community Provide relevant of questions. list further has she if you reach to address email and number phone a have and is group where and know should when woman conversation, a first this of end Atthe persistence inthemidstofgreat challenges. » » » » » » Empowerment. situation. To learnthingsthatwillhelpthemmakemore senseoftheir To notfeelsoalone. experiences. tomeetotherwomenwhohaveOpportunity hadsimilar Understanding. Support. aig Connections Making upr group support It is not unusual to struggle to get enough women for group, if you are not using a large table, it is helpful to find a small table because it is difficult to get the word out to them. Women also that can function as a coffee table. often think they do not qualify, because they may not see what You will need a flipchart, flipchart paper, markers, two boxes of is happening in their relationship as abuse. It is very important tissues and re-usable nametags. You will use this same setup every to network with service providers in your community to educate week, although name tags may not be necessary after the first your community partners about the group, so they can refer several weeks. women to the program. If you know that some women in the group have disabilities, keep Try to keep the group open to new women joining for the first two this in mind as you set up the room. As it is not uncommon for or three weeks, if space allows. This is helpful if the group is on someone in the group to have allergic reactions to scents, try to the small side, and also honours women’s need for support as it is use odourless markers. extremely disappointing for a woman to learn she has missed out on the opportunity to get into group, and will likely have to wait several months for the next one to begin. Snacks Do provide a snack, as some women come to group hungry—this Preparation for Group is very important as they may have had no time to eat; may have limited income and are unable to afford food; and/or may have a Reminder Phone Calls partner limiting the food she can eat. Regardless, it is a concrete Do make reminder phone calls every week. Reminder phone way you can show care and regard to the women. Sharing food 25 calls are a warm and friendly way to deepen women’s sense of together is also a great way to create a sense of community. Keep connection with you and with the group. One of the facilitators the snack simple and manageable for yourself. can do this, or facilitators can share the job, every week. It is time consuming, but very important to remind women of the time and Supporting Materials place of group; to work out any logistics the women may have (Do they need a ride? Do they need childcare?); and to show your 1. Making Connections for Women with Experiences of care and concern for the women (you are communicating by your Abuse Workbook actions, that the women participating are important and you want Give each woman the workbook at the beginning of the first week them to be part of the group). of group. The guide draws from women’s experiences of abuse and the feedback received in piloting the Making Connections support Review the Material groups. It provides detailed information on the topics covered in the modules. Women can choose to take the workbook home with Before group, do review the material for the upcoming week to them and read ahead, reflect on their experiences and revisit topics ensure you feel comfortable with the planned exercise or activity at their own pace. Women should also be welcome to leave the (the Summary Boxes for each week are a good, quick reference guide with facilitators between groups if taking materials home is on the key ideas to be communicated). Decide with your co- not safe for them. facilitator who will take the lead on each part of the session.

Room Set Up 2. Problem Solving for Facilitators Facilitating a Making Connections support group that brings Try to create a space that feels like a living room. Some facilitators together diverse women, each of whom may be facing significant use a table cloth, plants or candles to make the space more challenges, is no small feat. Still, most of the time women have an comfortable; do as much as possible to make the room safe and amazing ability to form community and encourage one another. warm. Think about the type of spaces you are comfortable in. Some situations may arise that need the facilitators’ extra attention Use the most comfortable chairs available to you. Chairs should be if all the women in the group are to feel safe and thrive (see arranged in a circle, if possible. Some groups sit around a big table; Appendix E for some suggestions on how to work through difficult situations in group). MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 26 deserve to treated be thatwaydeserve either.” Ididn’tand itmademethinkthatmaybe to treated be thatwaythey didnotdeserve treated me.and how my Iknew partner treated them howbetween theirpartners gripping. Iwas struckby thesimilarities share. Their stories were and sopowerful appreciated whattheotherwomen hadto what was goingoninmy home. Ialsoreally in my week where Icould honestabout be to group. This was theonlytimeandplace would whatto thinkabout share asIdrove ofthegroup.“I loved I thecheck-inpart work. For work. somewomen,itwillbethemostimportant for Check-in, Connections in.” “settle people help or group a up” A common element for many groups, check-in can serve to “warm 1. Check-In: ItsPurpose STRUCTURED V. HOW THE WEEKLY GROUPIS order-when-love-hurts/ canbe ordered from WomanKind Press Copies ( reading. asadditional women to offered be can material and activities from the book The 4. When Love Hurts Module Seven completed has group the after only out handed be Partner?” my for Possible Change Is #11: “Reflection (Please that suggested group discussion. is it note in arising keeps that topic specific a about conversation a in group the engage to out these choose hand may to you or time, own their on read to women for out and can use them at any point over the sixteen weeks. Hand them Facilitators can print these prior to the first group, for convenience, abuse. experienced have who women for arise that questions and Reflection articles (see 12 examples in Articles 3. Reflection aig Connections Making —Jenn, support groups,support is at least as as important the module .) Making Connections ). curriculum http://womankind.bc.ca/about/ When Love Hurts

Appendix F a aatd oe f the of some adapted has ) discuss subjects . This book Making oehn o ec ohrs ie. uig hc-n wmn are women check-in, During lives. other’s each of something the face of pain and adversity. Storytelling also helps women know in strength and courage women’s heroism, honours Storytelling 2. Storytelling sure shefeelsherneedshave beenaddressed. make to time enough woman each Wegive debriefed. situations or addressed, crises need may women Other story. their honour is experiencing. Some women simply need to have others hear and she pain the acknowledge to and saying is she what hear really to to be conscious about safety concerns. We pause with each woman women’sacknowledge to time and strengthsa always is Check-in 1. Needs Are Heard andAddressed painful stories,fears,questionsandcrises. their in bring women when check-in, during whole a as group the for and women individual for happen things Very important women to see each other apply what has been learned through the In check-in, it is exciting and reinforcing for facilitators and other 5. Reinforcing Previous Learning practicallevel. on avery other in sharing experiences and information that help each other each for resource a for.caredas Womenand serve supported also allows women to share very difficult experiences and feel affirmed, atmosphere non-judgmental The check-in. during another one to sympathetically listen to opportunity the given are Women 4. MutualSupport her fault. kindness, (manipulative tension, explosion) more that the situation is not clearly and trust pattern abusive the see women helps woman’sanother from unique entirely not is situation their story, that Seeing experienced. have they what through gone have who other’s stories each and feel less isolated. They in realize they are not the threads only ones familiar hear women check-in, During 3. Overcoming Isolation told, are stories perhaps forthefirsttime. as healing experience often Women general. in society by and relationships their in both silenced, often are experiences and voices whose women for profound particularly is invited to tell their stories and give voice to their experiences. This modules (words like “manipulative kindness,” “tension building,” Do use one phrase each week to encourage women to check-in. “explosion” and “impact” become part of group vocabulary) to Women quickly get the feel for this. You can use a different phrase their current experience. each week, or similar words that feel comfortable for you:

6. Reframing Women’s Experiences »» “How are you doing? So often, we just say ‘fine’ when someone asks us how we are. But we really want to know Check-in is an opportunity to gently reframe women’s experiences. how you are. How are you?” If a woman expresses she is a “bad mom” because she is tired all »» “What is the biggest challenge for you right now? What is the time and can’t meet all her daughter’s needs, we might say that keeping you awake at night?” the abuse is likely leaving her exhausted. We can affirm what she is »» able to do for her daughter and say that it sounds (to us) like she “Tell us a bit about how your week has been, particularly is doing her very best. (See more about Reframing in Module Six.) through the lens of what we have been talking about in group.” 7. Providing Space for Urgent Issues »» “How do you feel today? Are you feeling peaceful? Overwhelmed? Confused? Exhausted? What is a good word Sometimes women come to group in the midst of crises. Perhaps to describe how you feel today?” something has happened that has left them feeling overwhelmed (e.g. threats from her partner, a call from the Ministry of Children »» “What is the ‘front page news’ this week? Whether the news and Family Development). Women need a safe place to share is good or bad, we would like to hear it.” these terrifying developments. During check-in, women often As facilitators, we simply invite each woman to share and thank 27 find that talking things through helps them come up with a plan. each woman in turn—addressing any safety issues and offering Sometimes the support and affirmation of the group helps women any affirmations that seem helpful. We encourage everyone in the feel calm enough to fully engage in the group experience. At other group to be attentive listeners by modeling this ourselves. We do times, women remain upset for the duration of the group but not dive into the women’s stories too much in the first few weeks; everyone knows the source of their distress, and are able to be until there is some shared vocabulary and understanding from the supportive and understanding. modules, there is a limit to how much reframing facilitators can (or may want to) do. 2. Check-In: How to Lead It We encourage women to give each other the time to do check-in For the first session of group, check-in is about encouraging each without interruption, but sometimes a woman will say something woman to introduce herself, to whatever extent/time she feels when another participant is checking-in. It is important to not comfortable (see the Check-in section in Module One: Creating “jump on” the woman who has interrupted. We never want to a Safe Space for Women). For the rest of the sessions, facilitators silence or shame a woman, because she has been silenced so much invite each woman to take a few minutes to check-in. Facilitators in her relationship. When it is appropriate, we simply return the should also check-in, briefly bringing up topics or ideas that may focus to the woman who was checking in. Always assume that be relevant to discussion (share personal experiences with violence, women have relevant and useful things to share with each other, what brought you to the work, your experience, knowledge and and that their contribution is valuable. training). We invite women to share by going around the circle. Make sure women know it is okay to “pass” if they would like. As The goal of the group is not to give advice, but it is not uncommon each woman finishes sharing, one of the facilitators thanks her for some advice to be given. Do try to reframe the advice by for what she has offered the group. Although check-in may be a suggesting women talk about their own experiences, and what foreign concept for some, the women get used to the idea over the was helpful (or not) for them. Acknowledge that the advice has sixteen weeks and most will come to find it very helpful. Most of been given out of a sense of care and concern, but that advice us have few people in our lives who will take the time to really is often not what is most helpful. Do remind the group that the listen to us, and this is the gift women offer each other in check-in. most helpful thing is to listen to a woman and encourage her as she makes her own decisions, and that information sharing (e.g. the phone number of a good lawyer) is helpful when appropriate and desired by the person receiving the information. MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 28 context of support groups for women who have experienced abuse. of facilitating women’s groups. Each exercise was developed in the years many over women of hundreds many of wisdom collective the reflect activities learning core The activities. learning the in inherent wisdom the is important equally but support, of source Simply gathering women together into a safe space is an important 3. Core Learning Activities coming backtowork through theweekly core learningactivities. before break 15-minute a group the give complete, is check-in Once speak? to like now would but turn “pass”their someone at Did way? part in come someone Did check-in: the up wrap you before speak, to opportunity an had has everyone that ensure Do of abuse. oftheimpacts her ifthemigraines are part the migraines andtheabuse. We can ask theconnectionquestions about between days.sent herto fortwo bed We can ask recovering from aterrible migraine that Sarah tells thegroup thatsheisjust oftheCycle.part asbeing hisbehaviour if shethinksabout kindness…we can askherhow shefeels Behaviour/ManipulativeHoneymoon normal, even healthy to suspiciousof be Kindness.” We can letherknowthatitis like Behaviour/Manipulative “Honeymoon sounds her thatwhatsheisexperiencing We can to point theCycle ofAbuseandtell but wonder how longthisisgoingto last. want to seemungrateful butshecan’t help some bills. Sheexpresses not thatshedoes more, herdayandpaying about asking week thanlast.Heishelpingwiththekids partner’s isreally behaviour different this how check-inHannahdescribes her During experiences through theframeworkofabuse: more interactive during check-in to help women understand their become can facilitators place, safe a as group the know women to come as time over However, corrected. or censored being is she like feel to don’ther we want story,and her told has woman a time first the be may This experiences. and feelings thoughts, their share to them for space safe a create and women support to want simply facilitators check-in, of weeks few first the During fact there isalotofcollective wisdomto be to figure itoutonher own, whenin trying frustratingbe attimes. Iseeeachwoman work withwomen can one-on-one “Doing clearer andnotsoalone. had on them, within a framework that helps women feel stronger, has it impact the and abuse of experiences their moreabout other each tell to space of lots women together. gives working This and Most of the activities are done with the whole group brainstorming knowledge withher. hundreds of other women. A woman then carries that wisdom and from accumulated wisdom the of use makes she box, tool her to exercises these adds woman a When experiences. their of sense make women help to “map” a or guide a like are exercises The didn’t work, forwomen. The exercises were triedandmodifiedbasedonwhatworked, and oe nw as f hnig bu ter xeine ad set and experiences their about thinking of ways new women responsible andtoseewomenasdeficient.Asfacilitators, dooffer women hold to tend theories These general. in society and media family,problem” partners, providers,their the by imposed service “theirWomenabout theories many with group to come generally language tobetterunderstandtheirexperiences. and information the women give to first covered be should modules, and six first the in impacts—are as and purpose such pattern, abuse its core about The ideas understanding. basic blocks—includuing own building their from experiences, their redefine and rethink to use can women blocks building essential The Module Order her safety. about discussion a up opens perhaps and alert,” “high on being in shows she wisdom the to point can This next. happen to likely is what experience from knows she if and behaviour building” “tensionis experiencing is she what if ask and AbuseCycle of the a tense very environment in her home, facilitators can flip back to easily refer back to the material. For example, if a woman describes to paper, chart flip on activities learning core record Facilitators to move forward intheirlife.” give women thetools theyneedto able be draw on.Ifeellike theexercises from group aig Connections Making —Counsellor andfacilitator, urclm s eind s sre of series a as designed is curriculum Making Connections the stage for further discussion. Until the building blocks from Some women will feel anxious if you take “too long” with check- the first six modules are established and the new ideas are being in. Explain you are trying to balance everyone’s needs for support, employed, it is very difficult to move forward with the group to safety and learning, and that you will cover the most essential have more fruitful discussions. material in the first few weeks but may not cover all the potential modules for group over the course of the sixteen weeks. If the After completing the first six modules (Phase I), you may decide group’s needs demand that you just do check-in for one or more together with your co-facilitator to change the order of the weeks, this is fine, as really important learning happens during remaining modules, according to the specific needs of women in check-in too. your group. If the topic of “Why is my partner abusive?” seems pressing, do start that module ahead of the preceding “First As facilitators, you may sometimes decide that check-in is taking Incident” module. too long—usually because one or more of the women consistently takes a long time—and you may need strategies to address it. Time Management Between Check-in and Modules First, try sharing your concern with the group to allow the women Do aim for check-in to take up the first hour of group, and to to monitor themselves, and decide what is most important for have a full hour to work on the module after the break. Do let the them to share in check-in. You can say that you know both check- women know that this is the plan. However, there are times we in and modules are empowering and helpful to women, so you may go beyond the one hour check-in guideline. want to ensure the group has the time to do both.

Take the time to fully address a woman’s concerns if her safety is Second, ask a woman who seems to need a lot of check-in time in jeopardy, and help her think about all the ways she can try to if she would like individual time with a facilitator (if one of you 29 keep herself safe. feels able to provide this). By offering the woman the support she needs and deserves, you may find the time she uses for check-in Take longer with a woman’s check-in if what she is processing decreases. The woman may simply need to talk things through in is particularly relevant to the other women. If she is trying to order to process them, and the group may be the only place where navigate her way with the Ministry for Children and Family she is listened to and where her concerns are addressed. Development, what she is learning may be important for other women to learn as well. Finally, know that this is a really common challenge and just keep discussing your strategy with your co-facilitator, while doing your Provide the space to help a woman think through a big decision best to balance the needs of everyone in the group. she is facing. This might also be a time to illustrate how abusive men take away all the “good” choices, and a woman is left with only “bad” choices. 4. Breaks Women will most likely need to break for ten to fifteen minutes “My ex called me just before group began during the group session. Do offer a break after check-in, but if and told me I had to come get the dog right this is not the most appropriate time, use your facilitation skills then or I would never see her again. I really and ability to “read the room” to assess when to break. didn’t want to miss group, but I also really wanted to get my dog. I did not know if he was going to leave the province with her or 5. Closing and Check-Out kill her or what. I shared my torn emotions Facilitators close group each week by doing check-out. Check- with the group. They helped me think it out typically takes 15–30 minutes; it creates a space for women through. The facilitator helped me to see to share how they are feeling and enables facilitators to get a that he was taking away the good choice sense if any women have been adversely affected by the group (get the dog at a reasonable time) and discussion and exercises that week. Group brings to the surface leaving me with two crappy choices (miss painful memories and may elicit uncomfortable emotions. It can group or perhaps never see my dog again).” also bring forward strong positive thoughts and feelings. These diverse but powerful emotions can be overwhelming for anyone to —Betty, Making Connections manage, but Making Connections support groups offer women the MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 30 h wy te cn upr tesle ad ae o themselves for care and themselves support can they ways the (see The Plan Support Plan 6. Support during thefirstsession. (see Plan Support the to turn check-out, After group. leave they before support additional of need in are women the of any if assess to opportunity an with facilitators provides and group, of result a as having be may they The questions provide women the opportunity to share difficulties » » » Go around the circle and ask women to share how they are feeling: for womennottoknow how theyare feeling. they are feeling, and tell them it is also normal in a group like this, what name them help words the of any if women the Ask group. of end the at feel they us tell women things typical the of some are these that group the tell and check-out at page this Turnto □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ I feel… to thelist: add to group the for pages, subsequent on or page, this on space down words write the and below. pad flipchart sureMake there is Before group begins, turn to a piece of paper near the end of your stay assafepossibleintheprocess ofdoinggroup. process to fully women to helps This emotions. these opportunity » » » □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ “What doyou needrightnow?”“What arose forthemoutofthisdiscussion?” “Does anyone have anyquestionsorchallengesaboutwhat “How didyou findthediscussionandexercise this week?” worried sad connected ashamed like using angry numb understood overloaded withinformation overwhelmed withemotions relieved AppendixC Appendix C Appendix ) invites women to think about think to women invites ) ) the women will have done have will women the ) take tendeepbreaths, whenever shecould. and bathroom the in herself lock would she that shared woman One walk. watching a TV,friend, for a going with or connecting simple— very be themselvesmay for do women things the abuse, with living women for difficult extremely is self-care of form any As bath. hot a take to or friend a with coffee get to allowed be not may women Some lives. their in control partner’soppressive their by limited severely be may themselves to kind be to ability are andmemories brought forward. thoughts As facilitators we need to as painful recognize that women’s difficult, be can group following hours day.24 next the the that or Womenus told have night that themselves for do can they thing gentle and kind one identify to women invites Plan Support the in question last The duringthesixteenweeks. able todrawonforsupport also It group. in invites women to think being about other services or people of they may be work hard the doing are they while to address. (See asamplefeedbackformin need you concerns any are there if group, and finding are women the of how a sense give you help can feedback The week. final the group session midway through the sixteen weeks, and at the end of the Ask women to complete group.anonymous feedback forms, at the end of the the about feedback provide to women ask Do 7. GettingFeedback Appendix D. ) 31 PART 3—LEARNING MODULES: Core Learning Activities PHASE I: BUILDING A FOUNDATION FOR UNDERSTANDING WOMEN’S EXPERIENCES OF ABUSE

Module 1: Creating a Safe Space for Women Module 2: Understanding Men’s Use of Abuse in Relationships Module 3: Understanding Women’s Experiences of Abuse Module 4: Understanding the Many Forms of Abuse Module 5: Naming the Impacts of Abuse MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 34 has happenedintheirlives. experiences without fear of exclusion or negative reactions to what their sharing comfortable feel women help can This past. the in aware of the judgment and numerous barriers they may have faced are we that women with shareWe normal. to are want fears their acknowledgeInto time women’sgroupwetake that and courage, withtoomuchinformation. them further overwhelm to want not do and welcomed feel to women want group. of We night first the on nervous be to women for normal is It care. and attention special requires group of night first The Welcome » » » Core Learning Activities: □ □ □ □ □ □ Preparation for Group: For Women Space Module 1:Creating aSafe » » » □ □ □ □ □ □ Harm Reduction, Safety andSupport Needs Group Overview Welcome andIntroductions Set uproom Prepare Check-outword list Prepare snack,teaandcoffee Prepare handouts Review material Make reminder phonecalls 3. 2. 1. » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » Making Connections Making aSupport Plan Group Agreement Confidentiality Agreement Folders tostore eachwoman’s handouts Tissue Name tags Markers paper padofflipchart A new Flip chart Abuse Workbook Making Connections Making aSupport Plan (Appendix C) Confidentiality Agreement (Appendix B) for Women withExperiences of Weekly Agenda(Appendix A) vulnerable by sharingtheirstoriesandtruths. themselves making be will they where group a to coming of fear their increase may general in society and providers service with of judgment, stigma and exclusion. Their past negative experiences women’sincreases experiences use ofmental substance and/or issues health effect compounding The using.” stop to need “You or him,” leave should “You do: to what told be will they worry women Some else’s. anyone than worse much so is story their enough group. the in not was experienced they abuse belong the that feel they Sometimes they if wonder may women Some one. this like group a to come to women for courage of lot a takes It andwhatyou areexpertise, learninginthiscurriculum. the experiences of on other women you based have supported, your information professional share can You group. the in women with connection first and your credibility trust, is establish This to role: opportunity important an play you facilitators, As share if they do not feel comfortable. Let the group know that if that know group the Let comfortable. feel not do they if share “pass”or to speak okay pressuredto is be it not will they that and like. Womenthey as little that knowas to or need much as say to minutes few a take to women Invite comfortable. feel they when themselves introduce can women order; in circle the around go to have not Youdo begin. can Anyone well. as so do to invited are participants themselves, introduced have facilitators the After you, by sayingsomethingaboutyour personallife. to connected feel women Help been. has training and experience professional your what and work this do to came you how about briefly speaking by you, in confidence women Give expected. what is model and ice” the “break to way a as minutes, few a for first themselves timefor introduce facilitators more the share; a bit to want not do take we of group, want/ you what about think night, first the Before introductions. night first the On Introductions make decisionsbasedontheirown wisdom. the experts on their own lives, and encourage and support them to are women that do.”“shouldWebelieve women what of agenda an have not do and advice give not do we know women let We any shame or self-blame women may have encountered elsewhere. what you say and how you say it, and to be careful not to reinforce of conscious be to crucial is It worst. at judgmental and shaming to best, at helpful been having from range will experiences these people; support numerous with contact had have will and books self-help of number a read already have will women Generally, because they are not “battered” or “black and blue,” or that bad a woman decides to “pass” you will check with her again, after all »» Provide contact information and days/hours of facilitator of the other participants have introduced themselves, to see if she availability between groups, for extra support. would like to say something. »» Provide the location of bathrooms, pay phones, office phones After the women’s introductions, facilitators should take the (if available), public transportation and/or parking. time to recognize that there are differences among the women. »» Ask if anyone has any “trouble” getting to group (childcare, Typically, in the beginning women think about these differences transportation, partner interference, parking). a lot: are they the only one wearing a wedding ring; are they the oldest; are they the only one without children; or are they the only Discussion: Harm Reduction, Safety and Aboriginal woman? Assure each woman it is normal to notice the Support Needs differences in the beginning, as part of the process of figuring out »» On the first night of group, discuss safety specifically with the whether she “belongs” in the group. We know from experience women, including confidentiality and how women are feeling that women with very diverse ages, backgrounds and experiences being in a group and sharing their personal experiences of really value being in group together. As the group progresses, the violence, mental health and/or substance use. Discuss limits differences become interesting, not anxiety-provoking; often it to confidentiality and signing aConfidentiality Agreement becomes clear that the similarities between the women greatly (Appendix B). outweigh the differences. If a woman wonders aloud if she “fits” in »» the group, we can encourage her to come to the first few sessions Have a conversation and create a list of agreements about and then decide for herself. This gives the woman time to get to how the group can work together to ensure that everyone know some of the other women and to hear for herself the similar feels heard, supported and safe in the group (See Group 35 threads that run through everyone’s stories. Agreements below). »» Ask the women to complete the Making a Support Plan Group Overview handout (Appendix C) which will identify any potential emotional responses that may arise out of the group In the first group session, be clear about the purpose/goals of discussion and group dynamics, and how to create and/ the group, group agreements and confidentiality—to contribute or maintain personal safety if a situation arises in which a to the women’s sense of safety. Women in the group may not woman feels unsafe. currently feel safe or have not felt safe for a long time, and may have spent a great deal of time and energy trying to keep safe »» Providing women with the Making Connections: A Women’s both physically and emotionally. Provide each woman with a Guide that includes information and reflection opportunities folder to keep handouts and other documents that they may not on the links between abuse, mental health and/or substance feel comfortable or safe taking home with them. You can assure use. Women may take this home to read between groups or women that you will keep them in a safe place throughout the they may choose to leave it with the facilitator in their folder. week and bring them to every session. Also, provide the women 1. Complete the Confidentiality Agreement Appendix( B) with the following logistical information: As facilitators, commit to keeping anything women say in group »» The group will run for approximately two and a half hours. confidential and ask all participants to do likewise. We stress that Provide the start and end time. confidentiality is important in all support groups to feel free to »» There will be a break. Women are also welcome to take a share openly, but with our groups there is the extra concern of break as needed at any point during group. safety. It might be dangerous for some women if their abuser knew »» Turn off cell phones, if possible, or set to vibrate during they were part of such a support group. group. If women need to take calls or to text, for any reason, We also explain the limits of confidentiality. Make it clear that if a to please step outside the room when doing so. woman seems at risk of harming herself or another, or if a woman »» Food and drink will be provided during group. Women are tells us a child is being abused, we need to act on that information. welcome to bring their own food and drink as well. Letting women know that child abuse must be reported to child MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 36 » » » » » » » » » » will beworked outandnoonewillbeatriskofbeing excluded. they group the occur,assure problems If participate. will women all not partner,so abusive their with experiences their of because to add to the list. Remember, scared women may be very to speak like would they agreements additional any about or agreements, group listed the about have they concerns or thoughts any share to women Invite discussion. the after them post and chart, flip a Connections Making get women “into trouble” or get them “kicked out.” Write the core will that rules not are these emphasize you sure Make heard. and safe feels everyone that so run, be will group Talkthe how about » » Group agreements: Group Agreements 2. Discuss Group Agreements, smoothlytransitionintothatdiscussion. about conversation spurs form this completing If them. complete to chance a had has everyone when Agreements Confidentiality with the women, answering Agreement any questions or concerns. Confidentiality Collect the the Review process. the simplify to Write your names on the form before handing it out to the group, of control andsafetyinthereporting process. sense some her allow hopefully to action, any taking before woman the to talk will Wetime. given any at with comfortable welfare agencies, gives them the choice to only share what they feel » » » » » » » » » » » » Women whoare substanceusingare welcome ingroup. Group sessions. afterthefirstfew participants closestonew are allokay.angry We laughing,andgetting canexpress ourfeelings:crying, We willrespect eachother. No oneisforced totalk. We can“pass” whenwe wantto. Everyone hasachancetotalk. Contact withothergroup membersoutsideofgroup isokay. required. Regular isidealbutnot attendanceandparticipation Group isasafeplaceforeveryone. What we share inthegroup, staysinthegroup. Are clear, simpleanddirect. short, Help create asafegroup environment. support group agreements (listed below) on below) (listed agreements group support group meeting without an explanation, that is okay. A facilitator okay.A is that explanation, an without meeting group a during leave to wants and upset gets woman a her.If for much too be may material the feels she if session, particular a to come to not choose may woman strategy.A managing a with up come to and to distressing, is it if session the talk before facilitators the of one to women individual Encourage stressful. be may that topics upcoming about women inform session, group first the In Needs andSupport 3. HarmReduction Have thewomenaddtothislistasneeded,andgetconsensus. » » » Women report that the evening of group, and the next day,can group.next the and after group, of “raw”evening the or that report Women upset feel to common is it women Tell facilitator(s) outsideofgroup hours. the for availability and information contact name, the Provide group. of outside them of with time one some spend ask to facilitators or the group, the from support for ask can they know women areLet they abuse. feelings the with about cope having to some discussions difficult and feel like they want to use substances find may substances from abstain or use substance their reduce to trying are who Women use. substance and/or health mental safety their managing to related physical safety includes also Itgroup. of outside and safety emotional women’s includes Safety ofthisgroup. part other womenisanimportant from support that women Remind time. group of outside them support to place in put can they what about think to opportunity an women Give network. support a without and isolated be will group for in participating women Many essential being. well and is safety their This through. going are they what understand who women other with experiences own their about talk to and We hope this group will provide a place for women to share ideas, leave, ensure she has a plan for her safety and transportation home. before facilitator the to group.However,wants to returnstill with to woman wanting the if minutes few a needs just woman a her.with Sometimesin check and out her howeverfollow should » » » support herincomingtogroup.support group content,shecantalktofacilitatorsfindways If awomanishavingdifficultiesattending group, orwith facilitators isunacceptable. Verbal orphysicalabusetowards othergroup members or group, regardless ofwhethertheyare onmedicationornot. Women withmentalhealthdiagnosesare welcome inthe be particularly difficult. Women can plan to take extra careof Refer back to the Support Plan during every check-out time over themselves for these 24-hours following group with the Support the next 16 weeks. As women experience support and acceptance, Plan, which helps them think concretely about what they need. they will feel safer talking about their challenges. Some women may want to talk about their Support Plan in private with a Complete the Making a Support Plan facilitator after each group, or in the coming weeks. Have extra Handout copies of the Support Plan on hand for check-out time, in case a woman has forgotten to bring her copy from home. Let women On the first night of group, acknowledge that women are the best know they can also keep their copy of the Support Plan in their judge of whether they are able to act on their needs and their folders, if it is not safe for them to take the document home. desire for change, including their goal to reduce or stop using and whether they stay or leave the abusive partner. Women are Closing and Check-Out the best judges of their safety; they are constantly trying to keep themselves and their children safe. The strategies they employ may Each week facilitators close group by doing check-out, typically not appear to be “safe” to those outside her context, but she is 15–30 minutes. Check-out and closing usually involves looking at the expert in her experience. We recognize the significant ongoing the Support Plan again, but as this is the first group and you will impact that abusive partners have on women’s safety, health and have just completed this, move on to discuss “going home.” Take self-determination. The presence of abusive partners poses an a few minutes to talk about what women are going to say/not say ongoing, serious threat to women trying to make changes in their to their partners about group, if they are living with an abusive lives. Abusive partners can continue to control women’s actions partner. We suggest women not tell the truth about going to and prevent them from making changes. They may not be allowed group, and find an excuse to tell their abusive partners. Women’s 37 to call a friend, or to take a hot bath. Women’s ability to be kind to experience tells us that abusive partners usually try to sabotage themselves or receive support from others may be severely limited women’s efforts to get support for themselves, and interrogate by their partner’s oppressive control in their lives. their partners about what they have said in group. Women should be encouraged to think about their own situation and decide what As facilitators, gently and respectfully ask women whether what is best for them so they can get the support they need and deserve. they are doing is having the intended effect, or whether there are Some women say they are taking a parenting course or are part of alternatives that would meet their safety needs better. The Support a book study. We have also had a woman show up with a yoga mat, Plan invites women to think about the ways they can support having told her partner she was taking a Pilates class. themselves and care for themselves while they are doing the hard work of being in group. It also invites women to think about other Remind women which facilitator is available during the week for services or people they may be able to draw on for support during support, and provide contact information and hours of availability. the sixteen weeks of group. Let women know you are available after the group to discuss any concerns or questions. Ask them to call if they are unable to make Give women the Making a Support Plan handout (Appendix C). group, at any time. In our experience, if a woman does not show Let women know it is a personal, private document they keep for up and does not call to send her regrets, the other women in the themselves and do not need to hand in, that will: group will be concerned about her safety.

Help them identify any potential challenging issues that may arise Thank women for coming and participating in group and let them during group. know you look forward to seeing them the following week. Allow yourself some extra time after group this week, as women may not Help them strategize how to reduce harm and create safety for yet feel comfortable sharing in the group but may have questions themselves outside of group. they would like to ask you privately. Give women the opportunity to share their safety strategies with the group. Understanding that women respond differently to experiences of violence, will help the women be supportive and non-judgmental towards each other. MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 38 □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ I feel… padwiththepreparedflipchart listofwords: surface, the along with other strong positive to thoughts and feelings. brings Turn group to the in being that emotions process to Connections Making Note: Procedure At Every Check-Out □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ hopeful worried sad connected ashamed like using angry numb understood overloaded withinformation overwhelmed withemotions relieved support groups give women the opportunity opportunity the women give groups support » » » group session: the about questions of couple a Ask group. of end the at feeling are they how share to women the ask and circle the around Go know how theyare feeling. to not them for this, like group a with normal, is it women the Tellthem. for up come have that feelings the with overwhelmed feel may excited connected. women or feel Other happy finally to feel may women Some feeling. are they what name to them help words these of any if them Ask group. of end the at feel they us tell women things typical the of some are these that women the tell and page this to turn check-out, At list. this to add to group Make sure there is space on this page, or subsequent pages, for the those needscanbemet. if see and needs she what her ask distressed, particularly seems woman a Ifevening. that group leaving before support additional need they if or week, that exercises and discussion group the by affected negatively been have women any whether of sense a get to facilitators enables It having. be may they difficulties any and Check-out creates a space for women to share how they are feeling » » » “What doyou needrightnow?”“What arose forthemoutofthisdiscussion?” “Does anyone have anyquestionsorchallengesaboutwhat “How didyou findthediscussionandexercise this week?” Facilitator Notes—Module 1

______39 ______MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 40 1. Check-In □ □ □ □ □ Preparation for Group: Abusive Partners’ Behaviour Core Learning Activity: Cycle ofAbuse— Use ofAbuseinRelationships Module 2:UnderstandingMen’s » » » » » similar phrasesthatyou are with: comfortable or week each phrase different a Use this. for feel the Womenget group.quickly the with feeling are they how share to women encourage to week each phrase check-in one Use gathered. has One facilitator leads the group through check-in, when the group » » » » » □ □ □ □ □ Set uproom Prepare snack Prepare handouts Review material Make reminder phonecalls is goodorbad,we wouldliketohearit.” isthe‘front“What pagenews’ thisweek? Whether thenews to describehow you feeltoday?” Confused?Exhausted? Overwhelmed? What isagoodword “How doyou feeltoday?Are you feelingpeaceful? group.” through thelensofwhatwe have beentalkingaboutin “Tell usabitabouthow your week hasbeen,particularly keeping you awakeatnight?” isthebiggestchallengeforyou rightnow?“What What is how you are. How are you?” someone asksushow we are. But we really wanttoknow “How are you doing?So often,we justsay‘fine’ when » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » Women’s folders Tissue Name tags Markers Flip paper chart Flip chart Making aSupport Plan (extracopies) Experiences ofAbuse Workbook women) (fornew Agreement and Making Connections Making Connections Weekly Agenda,Confidentiality for Women with begin, onefacilitatordrawsthefollowing ontheflipchart: behaviour.partners’ abusive Totheir of perspective the from it at Lead the group through the stages of the Cycle of Abuse Abuse—Abusive Partners’ Behaviour 2. Core Learning Activity: Cycle of xi. behave simply may he or promises make or gifts woman the give may He considerate. and attentive appear may man The first. at positive seems behaviour This relationship. the into them draws kindness Manipulative decide whichtermtheywanttouse. so it is fine to have both terms up on the flip chartand let women experiences. Some women may have seen the cycle of abuse before, as phase kindness this to manipulative refer will we curriculum this throughout but phase,”“honeymoon the Traditionally,called the been has phase this with begins Cycle The kindness/honeymoon and forth between beginning of the relationship, and sometimes they may move back The time. long a for relationship the in been have women if “neat,”especially always not are phases Theses pattern. this within experiences individual many also are there but cycle, this described have women many abuser’s behaviour— foran as apattern is described cycle This Relationships. http://whenlovehurts.ca/ and Row.; and When Love A Hurts: Woman’s Guideto UnderstandingAbuse in Adapted from Walker, Lenore E. (1979) The Battered Woman. New York: Harper Increase insubstanceuse Swearing/Yelling Name calling Physical orsexualassault Throws things/Slamsdoors Prevents mefrom leaving Intimidating bodylanguage Distant Quick moodchanges Controls whatIdo Belittling/ Criticizing Jealousy/ Accusations Insults Sarcasm Threats Exp tension l phasecompletely. o si T is the behaviour that attracts women and women attracts that behaviour the is o en as it more accurately reflects women’s reflects accurately more it as tension n si and o n hs my at ogr hn t the at than longer last may phase explosion aiuaie kindness/honeymoon manipulative , skipping the Buys gifts toseefriendsorfamily Gives permission Agrees togocounselingortreatment More attentiveoraffectionate oracceptablebehaviour ‘Normal’ Makes promises Apologetic Considerate Manipulative Kindness Manipulative manipulative ix , looking . in a way that seems acceptable or “normal.” This behaviour makes that some women in the group may have experienced abuse from the woman interested in the man and invested in the relationship. someone other than a partner, such as a family member, employer, This stage often creates the illusion of intense attraction, but drug dealer or pimp. Women should feel free to share experiences the manipulative kindness/honeymoon phase does not last; the from any relationship, but remind them that they may find it behaviour escalates into tension-building. helpful to think about one experience at a time. When you have recorded several examples of manipulative kindness, move on to The tension-building phase of the cycle varies in length. Some tension building, then to explosion behaviour. Go through the same abusive men may be sullen, silent, unpredictable or moody for a process for each stage of the cycle. period of minutes, hours, weeks or months, creating unbearable tension in the relationship. Or the man’s behaviour during Throughout session, keep in mind the central themes we examine: this time may be angry or hostile. Women often describe their partners as being very critical of them. Some men withdraw from Myth Reality the relationship and appear disinterested and distant. They may Each partner is Abusers are 100% explain their behaviour by blaming their partner or children for equally responsible  responsible for the creating the problems. This phase is characterized by a lot of fear, for the problem abuse as women worry about what will come next. Sometimes women Abusive incidents are The abuse is feel that they are walking on eggshells or stepping through a land random and isolated  patterned and mine and trying to avoid the next explosion. events intentional The abuser can’t Abusers are in control  The final phase of the cycle is the explosion. The first few control the abuse and make choices 41 experiences of explosion may not seem that significant, but they Abusers initially Women are attracted are still distressing. Examples of explosive behaviour are yelling,  conceal their to abusers swearing, slamming doors, banging pots, throwing things. Some abusiveness men also employ the ”silent treatment” during explosion. Typically Being “100% responsible” means that the abuser drives the cycle this part of the cycle becomes more dangerous and frequent over of abuse. He decides which phase he and his partner are at in the time. cycle, and for how long. Women are often told by their partners After the explosion, the abusive man usually returns to the (and possibly friends, family or service providers) that they need manipulative kindness phase. He stops the more negative and to “try harder,” “change behaviour,” “stop doing” or “start doing” dangerous-looking behaviour he used during the tension-building something to avoid or stop the abuse. Ask women if they have tried and explosion phases and behaves in a seemingly positive or neutral different things to avoid the explosion behavior. This highlights to way again. The abusive partner may offer apologies and promise women that in an abusive relationship, no matter what they do or to not act that way again, or he may simply resume behaving in a how hard they try, they cannot improve the situation. Only the way that is more acceptable. abuser can stop the abuse.

It is important to note at some point in the discussion that not Furthermore, the cycle often continues once the relationship has all women see grand acts in the manipulative kindness/honeymoon ended. It is important for women to see that even when they are phase. Sometimes people think of this phase in terms of big not there, the abusive partner continues to engage in the same gestures like holidays, dinners, flowers, tearful apologies or big behaviours and patterns. It is often helpful for women to hear promises to change, but some women never get gifts or apologies this perspective and see that they are not responsible for “making” or promises. It is important to name any behaviour that seems their partners abusive. acceptable or positive, as manipulative kindness. Notes on Manipulative Kindness/Honeymoon Now, walk the women through the Cycle of Abuse Exercise. Starting with manipulative kindness, women are invited to offer The manipulative kindness phase of the cycle is often the most examples of what they have seen in a current or previous partner or confusing for women and may need extra attention as you discuss other perpetrator. Record all examples on the flip chart. Recognize it with the group. Manipulative kindness/honeymoon behavior that women may have had more than one abusive partner, and looks positive on the surface. It is the behaviour an abusive man MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 42 person, react?Wouldperson, Isay, screw you! “Well other time.” How would I,arespectful not upto going outforcoffee. some Maybe rightnowso overwhelmed Iamjustreally Sally,said backto me, “Thanks butIfeel something Icould doto help.” Now, ifJane how you are there doingandmaybe is out forcoffee? I would really like to hear concerned you. about Could Itake you might call herupandsay, “HeyJane, I’m Jane was goingthrough ahard time, I I care herwell-being. about that Iknew If Jane,So my co-facilitator andI,are friends. facilitators: two the between scenario a out drawing by kindness, of gestures Compare person. kindness manipulative other the control to acts kind seemingly people do Abusive person. other the manipulate or control to try to them do not do They person. other the about care genuinely Show the women that respectful people do kind acts because they explosion she the to If back moves it. likely very with behaviour partner’s “no,”the along says goes woman the because positive seems the that clear quite becomes it exercise, the in point this “no”safely.At say could they whether about think to women the inviting simply are You dangerous. suggesting women say “no” to their partners, as this might be very kindness the during sex have to wants partner their If it? to during the apology an or gift a them offers partner their If behaviour: this “no”say to can they if women the ask you when clearer becomes thatthe torealize kindness/honeymoon women for difficult also is It and package: whole the is but the (during be to himself presented It is hard for women to realize that the man is not just who he first his work, money, her mental health concerns, and/or his drinking. children, the or her blaming possibly behavior, negative-looking his dismisses abuser man.”“theThe real is cycle the of phase this initial the courting during of the woman. Because of this, himself women tend to think that of aspects other hides He kind. and inher,warm, interested Heappears the woman. to shows first explosion phase, could the woman say “no?” Be clear you are not are you clear Be “no?” say woman the could phase, phase. manipulative kindness . hs i cnrlig n auie This abusive. and controlling is phase to how respectful, non-abusive people offer people non-abusive respectful,how to manipulative kindness manipulative manipulative kindness manipulative phase, could the woman say “no” manipulative kindness manipulative , tension building tension manipulative manipulative phase only phase phase), , have been listed for this phase to hide them from view, and ask and view, that from them hide behaviours to phase this the for listed over been have hand your put point, this make To relationship. the in stay women reasons the of one is and hope, The pay attentiontothoseexperiencesandthatwisdom. experiences not to trust the voice.Women inner their their from to learning arelistening and wise being as it framing skeptical, be to women the Encourage way.that wrongfeel is to it feel women often and partner a about skeptical be to unpleasant is It change. to promises and apologies kindness manipulative Over time most women grow increasingly uncomfortable with the his manipulative kindness? would respond ifyou turneddownpartner course not!Butisn’tOf thistheway your you andyou can’t even meetmehalfway?” to dosomethingnice for Here Iamtrying understand the real reasons for her entering into the relationship the into entering her for reasons real the understand childhood.” in boundaries” poor “ as such questions, many these answering women of ways gives unhelpful Society time. over internalized have they which them to said have people other that comments from come with it “ about questions asking start will women group, the in on Early kindness. men’ssee to chosen have who family even police, judges, lawyers, psychologists, counsellors, of stories men’s accept kindness providers support many even that kindness manipulative men’sabusive accepting for way any in weak or foolish is woman a that idea the Challenge word. this with better connect might alternative to as cycle the of phase this describe to helpful it find Theseare women Some kids. actions. compelling the with time spend to starts he or he and agrees together final counseling marriage to go to years for asking been has Perhapsshe so. do to promises least at or behaviour his possibly even makingplanstomove changes out,thatherpartner relationship,”the on “give up to ready feels woman a when often Abusive men use powerful hooks to draw the woman back in. It is the experienced if leave only to she decision a make to easier be would it if women the how they got themselves into this situation this into themselves got they how manipulative kindness manipulative ” or at face value. Women will relate to this as they recount they as this to relate will Womenvalue. face at “how they allowed this to happen”. manipulative kindness or honeymoon h cce e rsn hls wmn beginto woman a helps we present cycle The r “ or at face value. It is very powerful. Pointout powerful. very is It value. face at o tik bs i nra bcue f abuse of because normal is abuse think you phase. Women grow skeptical of the man’sthe of skeptical Womengrow phase. entrapment phase of the cycle gives women (false) women gives cycle the of phase tension-building manipulative kindness . Offer this word as apossible as word this Offer . manipulative kindness manipulative ” and These questions often “why have they put up put they have “why explosion and are smart to for women who manipulative you have you phases. as real as and staying as long as she does. Themanipulative kindness draws the children? If the partner does not consistently display “abnormal” woman in and keeps her invested in the relationship. The tension- behaviour, he may not in fact be mentally ill. Does having mental building and explosion create fear, confusion and uncertainty that health concerns give someone permission to behave abusively? make any move to step away from the relationship dangerous and There are probably women in the group who have gone through costly. The overall effect of living with the cycle of abuse is that it periods of depression, or who have a mental health diagnosis, but is exhausting and overwhelming. Most women living in the cycle have not been abusive. are just trying to survive day-to-day; thinking about leaving seems Abuse and mental illness are two separate issues. The partner may, impossible. in fact, have mental health concerns that are widely witnessed in Invite the women to keep the cycle of abuse in mind as they move the community, but he is also choosing to behave abusively. He through their week. Whether a woman lives with her partner or has two issues he needs to work on: his mental health, and his not, if she interacts with him in any way she will likely continue abusiveness. If he also uses substances, this is a third issue that he to experience him in various stages of the cycle. Many women needs to work on. None of these can be used as an excuse to abuse. have reported that trying to simply observe their partner in the cycle instead of feeling so devastated by his constantly changing Men’s Substance Use behaviour has been a good first step to feeling less overwhelmed. Sometimes women believe their partners’ use of substances makes For example, if a woman receives an explosive email from her ex- him abusive. We look at this belief more critically in Module Four, partner telling her that she is an awful mom, it can be helpful to but for now, ask women about how their partners’ substance use see the email as part of the cycle of his abuse and not any reflection fits into his cycle of abuse. Women may notice that their partners on her or her mothering skills. Of course, safety is always the 43 drink less during the manipulative kindness phase and increase primary concern; to stay safe a woman may have to fully engage in their drinking during tension-building. This may be one of the the cycle but there are usually moments when she can step back, indicators to women that they are moving on to tension-building reflect on his behaviour and begin to see it as part of a pattern and ultimately explosion. intended to control her. This question also helps women see that their partners’ abuse is Making the Links not only confined to when they are using. The most dangerous and frightening forms of abuse may happen when their partners Men and Mental Health are heavily intoxicated or under the influence, but women may be Sometimes women will say they believe their partner behaves the able to name times when their partners have been controlling or way he does because he has mental health concerns. Men who are hurtful when sober. abusive are sometimes diagnosed as having a personality disorder Women report that even when an abusive man stops using or of being bipolar. Men who are abusive may blame their hurtful substances, he will continue with this pattern of manipulative behaviour on being depressed. This is very confusing for women; if kindness, tension-building and explosion. There may be women in their partner is behaving this way because he is ill, then perhaps he the group who have experienced this. Their partners may have gone cannot help it. Women want to be able to support their partners to treatment or tried to stay sober, but continued to be controlling through an “illness” and may take their vows to be faithful “in and hurtful. The type of abuse may be different depending on sickness and in health” very seriously. whether abusive men are using/not using, but the different phases For women who have come to think of their partner’s abuse as a of abuse—manipulative kindness, tension-building and explosion— result of a mental health concerns, it is a big shift to come to believe are still present. To create this awareness, ask the woman if they that he is 100% responsible for the abuse. We do not want to force feel free to do whatever they want when their partner is sober— or push this new way of looking at a woman’s experience but we can can they say “no” to the partners’ acts of manipulative kindness? begin to open up this possibility, knowing that we will continue to We want to challenge the societal perception that it is come back to this idea many times over the coming weeks. understandable for a man who is using substances to be violent. There are two questions we can ask:Does the partner behave like Substance use is never an excuse for violence. It is never okay to be he is mentally ill with everyone, or just with the woman and the MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 44 o sm wmn o e nbe o ae o te ae feeling, are they how especially intheearlysessionsofgroup. name to unable be to women some for better describes how they are feeling. Remember, it is not unusual that word another is there if or feeling, are they how describe to help list the on words the of any if women the Ask words. out check- of list the has that pad flipchart your in page Turnthe to andClosing 3. Check-Out that abusersare always 100%responsible fortheabuse. contributes to their physical victimization. of violence, but there is little evidence that women’s substance use experiences their for themselves blame may substances use who Womenusing. stop to try they if escalates abuse the women that report Some abuse. the for responsible feel woman the make use abusers tactics common sober.These are they when “boring” or with” live to “hard being of them accusing using, stop to try they if women blame also may her.They over control and power woman’smaintain the to control way or a abuse, as use substance woman’sa his blame for may use abusive substance are who Men Women’s Use Substance more incomingweeks. this explore will We situation. the given normal, is crazy going crazy.”going is she Weyoulike feeling areintroducethat idea the like “feel may she “crazy”but not is man abusive an with living woman A incomprehensible. is her for best is what want and her love to supposed is who person the is person destructive this That toll. enormous an takes painful and bizarre unpredictable, so is “crazy making” the cycle is. To live with a person whose behaviour how clear entirety,is its it in abuse of cycle the at look we When health. women’s mental impacts significantly fear and anxiety of exposureContinued controllingstate to a in living and behaviour Women’s MentalHealth will exert power andcontrol even whensober. likely most they that but worse, situation arethe make who may abusive men by drugs and alcohol of use the that understand women’s of injuries. severity the and assaults foundto of been frequency has the use increase that substance evidence some is There choose tobehave/not ways. behave incertain can us of all and actions, our areresponsiblefor us of All abusive. 42,43,44,45,46,47 Sharing woman a help can information this 48 Women should know blank copies available for women who may have forgotten to bring extra Have Plan. Support their at back look to women the Invite those needscanbemet. if see and needs she what her ask distressed, particularly seems need they if woman a Ifevening. that group or leaving before support additional week, that exercises by and affected discussion negatively group been the have women any if sense a enables facilitators get It to behaving. may they difficulties any and Check-out creates a space for women to share how they are feeling » » » group session: the about questions of couple a Ask group. of end the at feeling are they how share to women the ask and circle the around Go would liketoaskyou privately afterthegroup. they questions have may but group, the in sharing feel comfortable yet not may women as week this time extra some yourself followingthe them week.Allowseeing to know forward youlook Thank women for coming and participating in group and let them are unabletomakethenextsession. they if you call to them Ask questions. or concerns any discuss to group the after available are you know availability.women of Let for support and provide them with contact information and hours week the during available is facilitator which of women Remind following group? hours 24 the in herself for do woman each can thing gentle and kind one What her? for work will that support and/or self-care about ideas have Plan woman’s Support each Does back. theirs » » » “What doyou needrightnow?”“What arose forthemoutofthisdiscussion?” “Does anyone have anyquestionsorchallengesaboutwhat “How didyou findthediscussionandexercise this week?” Facilitator Notes—Module 2

______45 ______

______MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 46 often a response to the abuser and his behaviour—they are not are behaviour—they his and abuser the to response a often most are responses Her well-being. and safety own doing, her to is than he what to attention more pay to forced is woman a that is abusive is who someone with living of effects the of One stage. each in women to happens what of perspective the from Lead the group through the stages of the Cycle of Abuse, this time Women’s ExperienceoftheCycle ofAbuse of Abuse diagramontheflipchart. perspective of women’s experience. One facilitator draws the Cycle the from Abuse of Cycle the at looking involves which exercise, When check-in is complete, we lead the group through the second Abuse—Women’s Experience 2. Core Learning Activity: Cycle of examples ofcheck-inphrasesyou maywishtouse. the when check-in, through in gathered.group40 has referIfpage needed, to group the leads facilitator One 1. Check-In □ □ □ □ □ Preparation for Group: Women’s Experience Core Learning Activity: Cycle ofAbuse— Women’s ExperiencesofAbuse Module 3:Understanding □ □ □ □ □ Set uproom Prepare snack Prepare handouts Review material Make reminder phonecalls » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » Women’s folders Tissue Name tags Markers Flip paper chart Flip chart Making aSupport Plan (extracopies) women) new for Women withExperiences ofAbuse Workbook (for Confidentiality Agreement and Making Connections Module Two for

In addition, the message she may receive from service providers, service from receive may she message the addition, In safe. physically and emotionally stay to try to this does woman A children. her and herself protect can she so actions his anticipate to tries she abuser, the watching closely By needs. her on based children. Other women find the find women Other children. phase the “use” women Some ways. various in relationship the in re-invest they when hope some feeling of time relax abitandrecover from the can they when time a phase this find women Some bodies. their the during doing are they confusion, what women the despair.Ask hopelessness, dread, fear, skepticism, of sense growing a express usually the during now feel they the to evolution forward of the relationship. Then looking ask the women to describe or how optimistic, excited, loved, hopeful, feeling report women Often say. they what down Write phase? the during feel they did What Ask the women to think back to the early days of their relationship. remind womentostayfocusedontheirexperiences. Gently behaviour. partners’ their to attentive so be to had have happened tome?” Women findthisexercise difficultbecausethey has “What to me?” with wrong is “What from perspective their to use,and shift to women Encourage in. be will they cycle ofthe control of stage what tactics what the decides and abuser cycle The the abuse. of control in is cycle? partner the the through that movesEmphasize abuser the as her, to happens what experience— own their to behaviour partners’ their from focus their shift to group, the of safety the in women, encourage We one withaproblem thatneedstobefixed. the is she that or change, to needs she that is friends and family as a time to get something done, like buying shoes for her for shoes buying like done, something get to time a as Exp manipulative kindness manipulative l o si o n T en aiuaie kindness manipulative si explosion o manipulative kindness/honeymoon manipulative phase and what is going on in on going is what and phase n aiuaie kindness manipulative . For manywomenitisa aiuaie kindness manipulative Manipulative Kindness Manipulative hs. Women phase. phase the most anxiety-provoking part of the cycle as they wait for the stress of this phase can lead to health concerns such as headaches, “other shoe to drop.” heart palpitations, dizziness, anxiety, stress or insomnia.

Some women begin to question the sincerity of the manipulative Now ask the women what happens to them during the explosion kindness/honeymoon phase, after experiencing the cycle perhaps phase and write down their answers. For many women, this hundreds of times. They see that their partners’ apologies have phase is the most frightening and stressful. Although the men are not led to lasting change and that they have not acted on their not out of control, they may appear to be out of control. The promises. Introduce the idea of evidence gathering, an important explosion phase is a serious threat to women’s physical, mental and concept we will keep coming back to. The idea is that the partners’ emotional well-being. behaviour is the clearest sign of their intentions, and that men’s Women also find the explosion phase affects their self-identity, actions have more weight than their words. One woman described self-esteem or self-image, humiliating and degrading them. Men it as “putting the mute button on.”—she stopped giving attention usually blame women for what happens in the explosion phase, to her partner’s words, but watched his actions carefully. It is which focuses the problem on them rather than on their partners, natural and healthy to be skeptical if someone keeps promising to and undermines the women’s sense of self and the reality of change but never does. It is also heartbreaking to no longer think the situation. Women often try to stop the abuse by changing the best of the person you love, or loved. Women’s skepticism themselves. After the explosion phase the abusive partner moves reflects their wisdom. While women still might be hopeful during back to the manipulative kindness phase. Sometimes after an the manipulative kindness phase, they can allow themselves to pay explosion a woman begins to think about leaving the relationship, attention to the other types of evidence being presented. They can but the manipulative kindness phase serves to entrap her with also check in with themselves to see if the honeymoon behaviour 47 promises of change. So the cycle continues. makes them feel safe, or not. Throughout session, keep in mind the central themes we examine: Women often feel trapped during the manipulative kindness phase and know they need to go along with it to be safe. Abusive men commonly want to have sex during this phase and the woman Myth Reality may have no choice but to give in. Feeling forced to go along Women can be as Distinguish between with this manipulative kindness takes an enormous mental and abusive as their  motives: self-protection emotional toll. Many women express fear and anxiety of doing partners vs. dominance or saying anything that will “set their partners off” and ruin the Women can provoke Women are not relative peace of the manipulative kindness phase. Some other abuse, or can control  responsible for the abusive incidents abuse women never experience this respite. Some women are Women are attracted to Next, ask the women what happens to them during the tension- attracted to abusive  positive behaviour, not men abuse building phase and write down their answers. Many women feel they like they are “walking on eggshells.” As their partners behave in angry, hostile and tense ways, women tend to do whatever they A Question of Motives can to keep things from getting worse. Some women are very Questions about motive often arise as the group works through accommodating, trying to please and appease their partner; they the Cycle of Abuse. If it does not arise naturally from the women’s are hyper-alert to what their partner is doing. Women sometimes comments, bring the conversation around to it during this session. feel angry and frustrated as they are judged and criticized for every action. The crazy-making part of the tension-building phase is Women may wonder if they are as abusive as their partners—they that their partners keep changing the rules—one day only brown have perhaps yelled, thrown things, pushed their partner or used bread, the next day, only white bread is acceptable. There is no language that is not acceptable to them—things that may look way to anticipate their partners’ response. Women feel they can’t abusive on the surface. When women ask this question, we ask do anything right, and live in a constant state of fear of the next them what the motives behind their actions are. Typically, women explosion phase. say they acted to protect themselves, or to be heard.

Ask the women what physical, emotional or mental impacts they Woman sometimes behave aggressively to protect themselves notice from living with the tension-building phase. The extreme either physically or emotionally. In an attempt to get away from a MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 48 » » » » relationship. abusive an in coping Women may: of way a as medications, prescription including substances, use women how about Talk Women’s Use Substance Making theLinks find troubling inthemselves, are actually reactions totheabuse. context of the abuse, they can usually see how the behaviours they towardsback because their partner is driving the cycle—which is always moving the that discover know women how.The they best as it survive to trying just the are causing explosion—they actually not are they that but with, over it getting the “trigger” to something done have may they that clear it make should incident the over Going the caused they feel they when situation particular a are somehow “driving” the cycle themselves. Ask them to describe the “trigger” to something do may who women, some for level intolerable an on carry will abusers Sometimes school). at are children the while partner their with argument an start (i.e. explosion inevitable the do to unconsciously, the break to or something consciously decide, might Women abuse thathasasignificantimpactforwomen. Their actions are a response to being repeatedly silenced, a form of that their ideas, opinions or feelings have not been acknowledged. discover they motives, their explore women When partners. their by equals as treated be to deserve and relationship.Women want their hit even the in respected and heard or be to trying are they at because partners swear or yell do sometimes also Women and control over herpartner. power gain to not self-protection, is motive The emotionally. or to remove herself from a situation that is not safe, either physically may push out her of partner the way. The woman is simply trying partner who is yelling and blocking the exit from a room, a woman » » » » tension-building relationship. Take medicationsto“fix” themselves andtherefore the Take medications because their abusers tell them she “needs” to. Sell fortheirpartners. drugs Use toappeasethem. withtheirpartners explosion explosion behaviour for a long time. This can get to get can This time. long a for behaviour phase. This may make women think they think women make may This phase. . When women look at their actions in the in actions their at look women When . tension-building explosion explosion hs ad oe n to on move and phase phase in the hopes of hopes the in phase is always inevitable, always is explosion . “symptoms”mental health partner’sshowtheir in up their cycle. aremost When they when to identify try specifically the to Invite women abuse. to reaction natural a such just illness, is attack, mental panic a as as described been perhaps has what that clearer becomes it partner’scycle, their of phase each in them to happening is what describe women As health. mental woman’s the and behaviour,partner’s abusive the between link the Make Women’s MentalHealth to managethebestshecan. differently.question answerthis different ways finds woman Each likely will Women cope?” you help it does how and substances Ask women, “At what phase of his cycle are you more likely to use » » like. to page 44 in End this week’s group with check-out and closing. If needed, refer andask, with themselves ishappeningtome?” “What to check-in moments finding while is them to keep their safety and well-being as their concern, primary what Encourage cycle. to the drive partners attention their as them pay to happening to continue to women Encourage they are notcrazyandresponsible fortheabuse. see to liberated feel may They partner’sabuse. their to intention and pattern a is there realize to frightened or angry sad, feel may They emotions. of mixture a have women Most cycle. the over go to like was it what woman each ask and circle the around Go andClosing 3. Check-Out crazy-making behaviour. of lot a crazy,with not living is just she that hear to woman a for depressed, which is also understandable. It is incredibly reassuring always or anxious always are they say may Womencycle. the of part particular a to connection strong a make to possible always not is It“manic”? as described been they have When depressed? » » threat ofabuse. Use substancestomanageanxietybrought onby theconstant by theabuse. Use substancestonumbphysicaloremotionalpaincaused Module Two for a reminder of what this should look Facilitator Notes—Module 3

______49 ______MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 50 xii. and Abuse, Property & PetsAbuse, Financial Privilege, Male Using Children, Isolation & Social Abuse, Using Culture, Emotional Abuse, Using Abuse, Spiritual Abuse, Sexual Abuse,VerbalAbuse, Physical outside: the around titles following the with sections, into equal circle 12 the Divide circle. big one drawing and side by side Draw out the Power and Control Wheel by putting two flipcharts men usetomaintainpower andcontrol. that tactics many the about talk to opportunity an with women provides and abuse, of forms many are there that women shows Lead the group through the Power and Control Wheel. It visually Control Wheel 2. Core Learning Activity: Power and examples ofcheck-inphrasesyou maywishtouse. the when check-in, through in gathered.group40 has referIfpage needed, to group the leads facilitator One 1. Check-In □ □ □ □ □ ***Plan totaketwoweeks tocover thismodule*** Control Wheel Core Learning Activity: Power and Many Forms ofAbuse Module 4:Understandingthe □ □ □ □ □ whenlovehurts.ca/ Love A Hurts: Women’s Guideto Understanding Abuse inRelationships:http:// Control Wheel: http://www.theduluthmodel.org/training/wheels.html; and When Adapted from theDomestic Violence Program, Intervention Power Duluth and Set uproom Prepare snack Prepare hand-outs Review material Make reminder phonecalls » » » » » » » » » » » » » » Women’s folders Tissue Name tags Markers Flip paper chart Flip chart Making aSupport Plan (extracopies) x Module Two for xeine. ei i waee ctgr mks es fr your for sense makes they have category whatever of abuse in Begin experienced. types different the about women the Ask like this: something look should Wheel finished The circle. the of centre PsychologicalAbuse. substances, or may threaten to withhold drugs if they do not do not do they if drugs withhold to threaten may or substances, using stop to women’s attempts sabotage may partners Abusive drugs. with injected the forcibly and down to tied being drugs, of experience certain use to women on place abusers pressure the from range may Experiences behaviour. their control to and may partners introduce them to alcohol abusive or drug women’suse to increase their dependence that shows Evidence partners. their by manipulated or coerced is substances of use escalated or women’scases many initial In women. control to used been have might substances how discuss to opportunities are there Ensure matters. another.to woman’sEach ownwhat is experience perspectiveand abuse psychological like feel might woman, one for abuse sexual like seem might What Wheel. Control Powerand the do to way suggestion if she is stuck. Assure women there is no right or wrong then ask her what type of abuse it seems like to her—offering her a not and story does her tell to her Encourage is. it abuse of type knowwhat but share, to something has she say might woman A atanytime. category any to back come and wheel the around move can Youit. with go of abuse, type a different identifies woman a If one. different a to category,on movea exhausted have to seem you When slot. abuse, which you can write down in point form in the appropriate financial of stories several heard already have Perhapsyou group.

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Se xual use Abuse Verbal Ab MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 52 her stories. anyone told has a woman time first the be may group The ago. time long a happened have may them of abuse—some of stories the women do not feel rushed. Give the group the time to hear the important is It stories. their tell to women for a opportunity good is exercise this because module this to weeks two devote We this exercise isapowerful experience. doing women, most For validating. be also can it overwhelming, realize that things are worse than they thought. While this can feel abuse. sexual often and Women financial controlling, equally but subtle, more the realized have not verbal may overt but abuse more physical the and of aware been have may their Women of lives. aspects many impacted has that control and power of pattern complex a is but believe, to led been have the as disputes relationship regular just not control—are and power for motive howsee “conflicts”—combinedmany their all partner’s their with how extensive and pervasive their abuse has been. Women begin to realized have not may Women behaviours. acceptable seemingly Wheel helps partner’stheir of some and Control with uncomfortable were they why clarify Power the that find often Women Myth In thissession,bearinmindthecentralthemeswe examine: if theyare never actuallyphysicallyinjured. like driving recklessly, has a negativetruly impact on women even well-being, woman’s physical a to threats that State restraining. common examples of physical abuse: choking, kicking, punching, they feel safe in the group. If women seem hesitant, mention some individual in or conversations. Do not encourage women to “over-disclose” later before up come may but group in point this at shared not are abuse of stories horrific truly the often, that Note “no” say without riskingmore abuse. really cannot woman the since rape, of form a as this of think to helpful it find women Some partner. their from acts ways relationships insimilar men are interested in Women andabusive physical abuse Abuse islimited to what theyare doing control anddon’t know Abusers are outof    control framework ofpower and relationships from a Abusive menview multidimensional Abuse iscomplex and power intentionally to maintain Tactics are used Reality high riskinleaving. a is there that not, or consciously know,Women leave. women is a disruption or challenge to his power and control, such as when more abusive in other ways. Women are at greatest risk when there become will but her hitting stop may her,he hitting for arrested working, the abuser will move on to another tactic. If he has been control have to is goal the abuser, the of tactic or behaviour that As you come to the end of this exercise, draw attention to the fact being asked. is that all is It gift. powerful a is other’sstories each to Listening other women’s problems. “fix” to try to need not do also They group. at them” “leave can and women’s stories, other carrying for responsible feel to need not do they women Tellthe stories. others’ each to listen just to women encourage can We people. women’s stories. As women, we are so used to to help trying other other by burdened and overwhelmed feel may participants Some » » » » » » » men may: paperdedicatedtohighlightingthesetactics. of flipchart Abusive their tactics control partners may use that involve and women’s power mental health. Have the a piece consider to women Invite Power andControl—Women’s MentalHealth Making theLinks behaviour, hismotive is power andcontrol. his whatever that, know and partner their out” “figure to trying into energy less put can women mind, in exercise this Keeping » » » » » » » Interfere withwomen’s treatment regimens. providers. Dominate orcontrol women’s encounterswithservice Minimize women’s credibility withproviders. diagnosis. oftheirmental health protection authoritiesorthecourt Threaten totake women’s children awayandtellchild health diagnosis. Claim womenare unfitmothersbecauseoftheirmental (e.g. encouragesuicidalfeelings). Take advantage ofchangesinwomen’s symptoms andmoods medication; demandthewomentakemedication. Keep medicationsfrom women;give womentoomuch powercontroland over the woman. Point out that if one tactic is no longer no is tactic one if that out Point woman. the over is at the centre of the centreof the Wheel. at Whateverthe is power and power »» Describe women as mentally ill and a danger, as a strategy to discredit them. »» Convince service providers they are “nice guys,” and “great dads,” or that the women are “lucky to have them.” »» Minimize or deny the abuse by telling women they are imagining it, or hallucinating. »» Give false information to medical and psychiatric professionals, resulting in wrongful diagnosis, commitment or medication. »» Humiliate women and attempt to undermine their credibility by telling people of their mental health diagnosis. »» Be given guardianship of the women’s care. Power and Control—Women’s Substance Use

Invite women to consider the power and control tactics their partners may use that involve women’s use of substances. Abusive men may: 53 »» Introduce their partners to alcohol or drugs, including prescription medication, to increase women’s dependency. Women’s initial use of substances is sometimes coerced or manipulated by their partners. »» Sabotage women’s attempts to stop using substances, or threaten to withhold drugs if women do not do obey them. »» Force women to engage in sex work to support their drug habits. »» Force women to take prescription medications or withhold their medications. Abusive men may also have women get prescription medications for them (the prescription may be written in the women’s names). 3. Closing and Check-Out End this week’s group with check-out and closing. If needed, refer to page 44 in Module Two for a reminder of what this should look like. MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 54 ______Facilitator Notes—Module 4 Module 5: Naming the Impacts 2. Core Learning Activity: Impacts of Abuse Exercise Lead the group through the Impacts Exercise. Women collectively Core Learning Activity: Impacts Exercise make a list of the ways their experiences of abuse have affected them. Impacts of abuse affect women’s physical, mental and ***Plan to take two weeks to cover this module*** emotional well-being as well as their social relationships and □□ Make reminder phone calls behaviours. This exercise helps women make the links between their experiences of abuse and their physical health, mental health □□ Review material and the role of substance use in helping them cope, escape or feel □ □ Prepare handouts numb. »» Making a Support Plan (extra copies) Ask the women: “How have your experiences of abuse affected □□ Prepare snack you?”; “How does it show up in your body?”; “How has it affected □ □ Set up room your desire to use drugs and/or alcohol?”; “How has it affected »» Flip chart your mind, thoughts and feelings?”; “How has violence affected »» Flip chart paper your relationships or ability to function?” »» Markers »» Name tags As women share how the abuse has affected them, write down »» Tissue what they say on flipchart paper. If women seem to be running out 55 »» Women’s folders of ideas, you, as facilitator, can think about the different aspects of a woman’s life—physical and mental health, financial, social, 1. Check-In intellectual, sexual, emotional and spiritual well-being—and ask One facilitator leads the group through check-in, when the leading questions like, “Have you been affected financially?” group has gathered. If needed, refer to page 40 in Module Two for This exercise helps women see how the seriousness of the abuse examples of check-in phrases you may wish to use needs to be judged by the impact, and not by how their partners or others see the abuse. Some women might be told by others that “she has not really been abused” because “he has never hit” her. This exercise helps women and service providers make that important shift from asking: “What is wrong with her/me?” to “What has happened to her/me?”

Some impacts that women may describe include:

poverty sadness perpetually worried exhaustion feeling overwhelmed chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia depression anger decreased access to children anxiety feels like she is going crazy self harm isolation decreased self-confidence miscarriages using drugs or alcohol unwanted pregnancies ostracized by community weight increase or loss heart palpitations disruption in menstrual cycle concerns around eating nausea or vomiting arthritis not sleeping STI’s/HIV headaches/migraines lack of concentration feeling stupid forgetfulness stomach aches injuries suicidal thoughts MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 56 » » bodies have beenaffected by living inastateoffear: impacts. Invite women to think injury about the many ways their Helpphysical term long and term short both about think women for women. Ask women about physical injuries they have suffered. ways. of multitude a Woman abuse is one of the most common causes in of serious injury physically women impact can Abuse of Woman Impacts Physical Abuse Discussion: help women name impacts that may have never occurred to them. you as more group the direct can facilitators week, second the In lives. their in abuse of impact the of breadth full the explore to opportunity the freewomen give flowing quite to be to week first delivered be to planned is module This over two Allowweeks. the see thatthereactions theyare having totheabuseare natural. them help and women to validating be can research this of some Sharing discussion. guide you help may The below notes and research more. women of out experiences draw to you require will family, security.of financial loss or areaslike friends Other things abuse has hurt them emotionally, and frequently identify concrete easily from women. Women quite are flow usually quick likely to name will the impacts ways the of types certain about Discussion Myth of abuseare: impacts the regarding examine we themes central session, this In » » relationship problems ofthe responsible for the She isheld frequency by and itsseverity Abuse ismeasured being deficient of thewoman as An understanding 50 common somaticcomplaintsforwomen affected by violence. symptoms, andchest,backpelvic painare themost Headaches, gastrointestinal insomnia,hyperventilation, common impactsofabuse. tractdisorders areAsthma, migrainesandkidneyorurinary , 51    49

on her. having amajorimpact partner’s abuse. This is The problem isher impact. onthe She istheauthority woman definestheabuse. experienced by the that is The impact safety strategies woman hasdeveloped of abuseandhow the Examination oftheimpact Reality and Iwas tired….When you’re inareally for mewas thatIwasn’t gettingsleep I don’t even know, buttheobvious one hasaffected myhealthin “It ways that abuse. woman of consequences health physical long-term and chronic Itrecognizeessential to is concurrentpossible the nature acute, of » » » » » » symptoms, andposttraumaticstress: mood disorders, anxiety, depression, somatic disorders, dissociative mental health concerns. Psychological effects of abuse can include significant show consistently abuse of experiences with Women Abuse of Woman MentalHealth asanImpact Discussion: health problems longer.” more subtle. you And dealwithallyour up where there’s noreal cause….It’s much rashes orotherbizarre thingsthatjustshow ways…eczema,in certain orI’ll getheat weird symptoms andyour reacts body exhibiting stressful situation, you start » » » » » » histories. hospitalizations, anddoctorvisits,thanwomenwithoutsuch and more fibromyalgia diagnoses,as well asmore surgeries, conditions, more painfulbodyareas, more diffusepain, more physicalpain,includingmore chronic painful Women withhistoriesofabusereport experiencing infections andneurological damage. health impactsare hearingloss,sexuallytransmitted arthritis, persisting beyond theperiodofabuse.Some longterm Woman abusehaslong-termnegative healthconsequences, five timesmore likelyto require psychiatric treatment. Women whohave endured violentrelationships are fourto found that58%hadbeensexuallyabusedaschildren. Hospital womenatRiverview A BCstudywhichsurveyed been sexuallyabusedaschildren. Fifty percent ofwomeninarangepsychiatric settingshave general populationofwomen. health inpatientandoutpatientpopulationscompared tothe Rates ofviolenceandtraumaare higherinbothmental —Gemma, 52

Building Bridges 49 »» The prevalence rates of depression among women with »» Claiming women are unfit mothers because of their mental experiences of abuse are 38%–83% compared to the general health concerns or diagnosis. 53 population of women, rated at 10%. »» Minimizing women’s credibility to police or other concerned Research shows that many of these problems post-date experiences parties by playing into stereotypes that people with mental of abuse. Evidence is strong enough for some researchers to suggest health concerns are not credible.53 that a causal relationship between woman abuse and its destructive effects on women’s mental health is likely.54 Some clinicians believe Pre-existing Mental Health Concerns that many mental health problems should be treated as symptoms Pre-existing mental health concerns may also make women more of abuse and not simply as mental health disorders. It has also vulnerable to abuse. For those with mental health concerns, been shown that the impact of abuse on women’s mental health is socialization to be compliant with people with more power, not determined by the severity or frequency of physical assault but and the loss of their own authority or autonomy that can come rather from other forms of abuse such as psychological, mental, from institutionalization or time spent in hospital, can increase spiritual, sexual and emotional abuse. Coercive control by an susceptibility to danger. Pre-existing mental health concern can abusive partner can have a significant impact on the psychological also be made worse by woman abuse, resulting from increased resources of the woman, affecting anxiety/fear, depression/ stress or being prevented from obtaining treatment. exhaustion, terror, confinement, decreased sense of agency/ freedom, loss of identity, feelings of hopelessness, helplessness, Dissociative Disorders guilt and shame. In some cases, the psychological impact of being abused can lead to the development of significant mental health Dissociative disorders are now understood to be a fairly common 57 problems that may interfere with a woman’s decision-making effect of abuse or violence in early childhood. Dissociation can be ability and her ability to protect herself.53 considered a highly creative survival technique, because it allows an individual to endure extremely challenging psychological Abusers may attempt to exploit women’s vulnerability or circumstances while preserving some areas of healthy functioning.55 limitations around their mental health issues by: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder »» Humiliating women by telling people of their mental health diagnosis. Numerous studies point to high levels of Post Traumatic Stress »» Minimizing or denying abuse by telling women they are Disorder (PTSD) among women who have had multiple imagining it, or hallucinating. experiences of victimization throughout adulthood and childhood, especially when there is a history of childhood sexual abuse.56 »» Threatening tohave women institutionalized if they report A post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) diagnosis accurately the abuse. describes the symptoms that result when a person experiences a »» Preventing women from getting help for their symptoms. short-lived trauma (such as car accidents, natural disasters, and »» Keeping medications from women, give them too much rape), but clinicians and researchers have found the diagnosis medication, demanding she they take medication. often does not capture the severe psychological harm that occurs with prolonged, repeated trauma. Dr. Judith Herman of Harvard »» Taking advantage of the changes in women’s symptoms and University suggests that a new diagnosis, called Complex PTSD, moods (e.g. deepening suicidal feelings by encouraging them). is needed to describe the symptoms of long-term trauma. Herman »» Threatening totake women’s children away, and telling child notes that during long-term traumas, the victim is generally held protection authorities or the court of their illness. in a state of captivity, physically or emotionally. In these situations »» Giving false information to medical and psychiatric the victim is under the control of the perpetrator and unable to 57 professionals about women, resulting in their wrongful flee. diagnosis/commitment/medication. Some women may find it helpful to use the name “Post Traumatic »» Convincing women that they don’t deserve to be, or won’t Stress Response” instead of “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder”, as ever be, in another relationship because of their mental nightmares, insomnia and high anxiety are a natural response to health concern or diagnosis. living with abuse. Psychological abuse is a stronger predictor of MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 58 she may be experiencing a great deal of mental distress because of because distress mental of deal great a experiencing be may she that assumption the way,with this her in approach diagnosis this with woman a labeling than Rather diagnosis. with cautious Be not towork withthem. prefer providers service as marginalized more become diagnosis namely,with this diagnosis, women often “difficult,” this are women” “borderline with that come to seem that implications often self-confirming and self-fulfilling.” is patients BPD towards negativity “clinician noted, researcher label to One uncomfortable. them make diagnosis or them challenge BPD who women the used have professionals Helping whoareit istheirpartners causingtheconflict. be responsible for the turbulent nature of their relationships, when changing emotions. From an outsider’s perspective, women might turbulent behaviour of the cycle the of abuse, may themselves display constantly show who partners with living women abuse: of symptoms of mental illness might be better understood as impacts partner. their by or childhood, inin abusive either wereabused BPD with diagnosed female, women are Disorder Personality describe Borderline with easily diagnosed are who people of 75% relationships; could definition This and romantic partners.” at the center of stormy relationships with friends, family members, tension, and anger. Moreover, turbulent emotional states are often anxiety,of states intense to leading control, of out spiral quickly can that emotions have BPD with “People that: suggests BPD of Today’s definition Psychology abuse. experienced have who providers have found this diagnosis being with widely applied to diagnosed women service and be Researchers (BPD). may Disorder Personality group Borderline your in women more or One Borderline Personality Disorder experiences ofviolenceare likelytoexperience. short of describing or explaining the many symptoms women with falls label all” “catch a as PTSD using but important, is trauma Helping women see that they are having a natural response to past vehicle accidentsordisasters. motor as such events accidental or natural to opposed as PTSD, chronic of rates highest the with associated are women against violence involving events Traumatic abuse. physical emphasizes and abuse psychological discounts largely society our since point, women. among abuse PTSDphysical than 61 oee, ht oe epn poesoas iw as view professionals helping some what However, 59 58

60 n 6%9% f people of 60%–90% and 62 Because of the negative 56 This is an important important an is This severe emotionsandmentalproblems over time. moredepression,and to anxiety abusivelead relationship can and the of dynamics the from arises dependency drug or alcohol the cases, some In issues. violence and health mental of presence the substance use may be what is most visible The to dependency.others, and may mask chemical to leading better, feel to attempt an mental of in alcohol development or drugs with Womenissues. self-medicate health may the to led have violence and abuse of woman’sa in presentare issues experiences because is it often life, three all When abuse. woman of experience interconnected the masks often psychiatricillness, or concern health mental a as well as dependency chemical a has who person a describe to used term “dualdiagnosis”),as the known (previously disorders Concurrent Concurrent Disorders feeling affirmedandbelieved. supported, by and group in being by distress this from relief some mayexperience Women suffered. suffering/has is she abuse the s eeln: oe i te eea pplto rpr a lifetime a report population general the in women revealing: is problematic issues, use substance have of not do who women and history use substance a with women of study comparison A issues. use substance of developmentpreceding the often violence use,with traumaand have ahigherriskofalcoholandotherdrug abuse of experiences historic and/or current have who Women Abuse of UseWoman asanImpact Substance Discussion: with or hysterical borderline personalitydisorders.” as them labeling “negatively by women for abuse of impact the compound may providers service other and children).her Mentalof custody or health services denied be may she (i.e. agencies community and systems justice and health of the responsiveness therefore and credibility women’s affect also what is happening to them, and make them feel less “crazy,”understand to begin it may women help can diagnosis a having While and ensure herattendance. thatthegroup continuestosupport a how the abuse may have have exasperated their mental health concerns, women these may Ask abuse. the women pre-dates that imbalance some chemical that Recognize experience. their describe to way accurate more perhaps and broader a offer also to and women, to helpful be might that anything acknowledge to important is It support. and help medical to doors up opened or better, herself understand woman helpful, a helped have diagnoses may they find as will women some that recognize Also 36 63 history of physical and sexual abuse ranging from 36%–51% Substance use has many implications for women’s safety. When while women with substance use issues report a lifetime history intoxicated, women may not be able to make decisions that might ranging from 55%–99%.24 Research consistently shows that protect them from their abusers. Women may also be reluctant to between 60%–80% of women in treatment have experienced leave abusive relationships because of their dependence on their sexual or physical abuse at some point in their lives. In a study abusers for access to drugs. Substance use also has implications of 160 women in Washington state whose babies were affected for system and community responsiveness to women experiencing with fetal alcohol spectrum disorder, all eighty of the women abuse, specifically, child welfare involvement and court decisions interviewed reported severe sexual or physical abuse at some point about child custody. in their lives, and 80% of them reported that their partners did 64 Talk openly with women about whether descriptions from the not want them to quit drinking. addictions field accurately describe their realities of abuse from »» Some women drink alcohol or use other substances to numb a partner. Specifically, women may have been told (or may have or escape the emotional and physical trauma of violence/ read) that they are co-dependent or enabling the addiction or the abuse. abuse. Codependency has been defined as: Self-medication” »» “ aids in reducing or eliminating women’s …a tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively feelings of fear, pain and isolation. caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships »» Substance use can also placate their abusive partners. In and quality of life. It also often involves putting one’s many cases, women’s initial or escalated use of substances is needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively coerced or manipulated by their partners. preoccupied with the needs of others….Codependency may 59 »» Evidence shows that perpetrators may introduce their also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive 67 partners to alcohol or drug use to increase women’s compliance, and/or control patterns. dependence on them, and to control women’s behaviour. Approaching women as if they are codependent may imply that »» While substance use may begin or escalate as a response to, women are the problem and that they need to change their or part of, the trauma of victimization, efforts to stop using behaviour. Viewing women’s behaviours as codependence ignores substances may precipitate abusive partners’ use of increased women’s attempts to reduce the risks of abuse and increase their violence. Any attempts by women to stop their alcohol or safety. Seeing the problem as one of risk, points to women’s need drug use are threatening to the controlling partners and some for safety and honours the safety strategies they have adopted. This abusive men will actively sabotage women’s treatment. can help women recognize that their partners have the problem, »» Despite the increased risk for problematic substance use, not them. Understanding women’s experiences of abuse and women in abusive relationships are also more likely to be seeing their behaviours as safety strategies that change throughout inappropriately prescribed medication than women not the different phases of the cycle, can better explain their passivity, experiencing abuse. Women express fears of addiction to excessive caretaking and their preoccupation with the needs of prescription medication or a loss of alertness, increasing their partners. In our understanding of women’s lived experiences their risk for more abuse. The most damaging side effect of of abuse, they have purpose—to keep themselves and their inappropriate medication is not a directly physical one, but children as safe as possible. is the way the medication may negatively affect a woman’s ability to clearly think or feel her way out of a situation. Wrapping Up the Power & Control Wheel In an early study examining the links between woman abuse When it feels like the impact list is complete, ask the women to and substance use, researchers found little to no evidence that sit back and look at the many impacts they have named. Women women’s drinking make their partners abusive, and more evidence may find looking at this list to be overwhelming, liberating, or that women’s drinking is a way of coping with their abuse.65 both. They may feel relieved to discover why they have been so Researchers have found that women’s alcohol problems appear to exhausted, depressed, anxious. They may be overwhelmed to be worsened by their experiences of violence.66 discover how much the abuse has affected them. MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 60 » remain sober, whilestilllivingwithalloftheseimpacts. to women for challenge the Acknowledge abuse. of experiences their and use, substance their between connections the make to begin them help can and use, substance their of complexity the understand you know women lets above the Sharing alcohol. or and/ drugs using stop to inability their of likely because most judged been have Women abuse. the from arising feelings and symptoms these against medicate self to women for way only the alcohol. and/or drugs use the through suppress to want they that feelings produce may abuse and violence of experiences current and/or past their resulting from symptoms health mental the that women with Share Women’s Use Substance impacts totheircurrent and/orpastexperiencesofabuse. symptoms or disorders, and connects the many seemingly random various their for women of off blame the takes recognition This abuse. woman of impacts social and mental emotional, physical, varied and multiple the legitimizes and recognizes module This Making theLinks since Ileft.” now andIhave nothadasingleheadache separated forsixweeks from my partner them fortherest ofmy life. Ihave been the day. told The meIwould doctor have headaches. They would sendmeto for bed “I usedto have horrible migraine able togetdistancefrom theirabusers. are women once away go to begin often exercise this in described symptoms and impacts the that and now, right do they as bad the for as feel always hope not will they little that women with Share them relationship. gives make, to need would partners abusive their change much how of and abuse, of complexity the of understanding better their say also may Women themselves. for hopeful feeling even are they that to and them; starting for sense are make things that abuse; the about clarity gaining are they how share may women abuse, their and relationships their At this point in the group, as women begin to discover more about » is theabusethatcreates theneedtoselfmedicate? How canawomanwho isusingsubstancesgive theseupifit —Kathryn, —Kathryn, Building Bridges 68 The use of substances may seem tobe seem may of substances use The reducing their use of substances. We realize it may not be possible about think to able be not may women point, this At violence. from healing in step first the is emotional) and (physical Safety the houseordoingto me.” selling inthehouse, whathewas doingin drugs, Ihadnocontrol over whathewas and diddrugs. my homewas And sofullof to ahusband whophysically abusedme “Iwent from amentallyabusive household » » » xiii. is Prescriptionmedication cope. to using were women substances Connections In the support groups that were run for the pilot project of treatment willendin efforts relapse. of abuse and trauma in women’s lives increases the likelihood that major are environment safe obstacles to a treatment and recovery. of absence the and safety symptoms ignore trauma programs that shown have Studies abuse. of treatment impact the and issues for often treatment but received use, having substance group to come may Women substance use. of risk the increased women against violence and women, against violence of risk the increased use drug that found women 3,006 of study longitudinal A relationship. reciprocal a have violence stress post-traumatic disorder. and anxiety, depression, with associated symptoms relieve to alcohol consume might relationships their in violence experience who women that suggest scholars clearly.Several more use substance and abuse between connection the understand us helps lens informed trauma- and Usingviolence- a impacts ofabuse. the of some alleviate help and better situation their understand her to make changes. Attending group a support can help women permanently, dangerous and potentially for difficult even is it and or temporarily either partner’sabuse, her escape to woman a for » » » when shehasnocontrol over whatishappeningtoher? How canwe expectawomanto“make different choices” placates herpartner, orsheisforced touseby herpartner? How doesawomanstopusingwhenhersubstanceuse something thateaseschronic emotionalandphysicalpain? peopleaskawomantogive up Why dosomesupport See evidence &Conrod,See summarized by Stewart 2003 —Janna, 69,70,71,72 , prescription medication was one of the predominantthe of prescriptionone , was medication 69 Building Bridges

oe’ sbtne s ad xeine of experiences and use substance Women’s 29 xi Failure to recognize the role

Making helpful for some women. It may help a woman have the energy more accurate way to interpret women’s experience: what is seen and focus needed to make a plan for greater safety. Some women from the outside as “mental illness” is seen as a natural response find they get a little relief from their anxiety or depression by being given the context in which the woman is living and what she is on an antidepressant. Women are sometimes concerned they trying to survive. Through a violence- and trauma- informed lens, are being over-medicated by their doctor, or are forced to take women’s actions and emotions make sense. The question is not prescription medication by their partners. Sometimes, women “What is wrong with this woman?” but “What has happened to start to use prescription medication in a way that is no longer this woman?” Sharing these experiences in the group shows women comfortable for them. Be sure to ask about the role of prescription they are not alone in their experiences, or in their responses. This medication in the lives of women in your group. helps reduce their feelings of isolation and shame attached to both the abuse, and any mental health diagnosis they may be carrying. As women work on this module, they name the ways the abuse We explore various mental health diagnoses in more detail in the has led to substance use or increased their use of substances. Making the Links section of Module Six. Recognizing these connections removes some of the shame women carry from using substances and allows them to see their use in the 3. Closing and Check-Out context of trying to cope and survive the abuse. End this week’s group with check-out and closing. If needed, refer Women’s Mental Health to page 44 in Module Two for a reminder of what this should look like. Research and the Building Bridges consultations reveal that women who have experienced violence are often labeled with a 61 mental health diagnosis. Common among these diagnoses are “depression,” “anxiety,” “bipolar” and “borderline personality disorder.” There is growing concern that these diagnoses are overused and pathologizing, particularly with women who have experienced abuse.

Continued exposure to dominance and living in a state of anxiety and fear significantly impacts women’s mental health. Women describe experiencing a number of different mental health symptoms or concerns:

»» anxiety »» depression »» hyper vigilance »» disassociation »» panic attacks »» amnesia »» flashbacks »» insomnia »» feeling suicidal or homicidal In this module we use a violence- and trauma- informed lens to make the connection between these distressing impacts and the abuse that is causing them or exasperating them, validating these mental health “symptoms of distress” as completely natural responses to abuse. A violence- and trauma- informed lens is a MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 62 ______Facilitator Notes—Module 5 “codependency.” This dynamic, which suggests that the woman is Module 6: Shifting From Blame responsible for the abuse, communicates to women that they have To Impacts of Abuse a problem that needs to be addressed. In fact, the problem is the abuse and the woman can do nothing to change that. Nevertheless, Core Learning Activity: Reframing because women are interested in making their relationships work, Women’s Response to Abuse: Safety, they will take on these negative descriptors and try to fix what is Strengths and Impacts “wrong” with them. Typically, women experiencing abuse will put an enormous amount of emotional energy into looking at their Preparation for Group: “faults” and trying to improve themselves in the hopes that this will stop the abuse. We use the Reframing Exercise to look at these □□ Make reminder phone calls negative descriptors in a new and more accurate light. □□ Review material As facilitators, this exercise helps you to work from a place of □□ Prepare handouts affirmation and empowerment. As you prepare, refer back to the »» Making a Support Plan (extra copies) discussions on the mental health and substance use impacts of □□ Prepare snack abuse in Module Five. Take some time to study the following chart; □□ Set up room look at some examples of the negative descriptions women carry »» Flip chart about themselves, and compare them with what we believe are »» Flip chart paper more accurate descriptions of women’s experience. The Reframing »» Markers Exercise is key to understanding the women-centred, violence- 63 »» Name tags informed approach of this curriculum. »» Tissue With the Reframing Exercise, negative ideas that women have »» Women’s folders come to believe about themselves, or others have come to believe 1. Check-In about them, are reinterpreted through the lens of abuse. We offer three alternative explanations for women’s reactions to abuse: safety One facilitator leads the group through check-in, when the strategies, strengths and impacts. When working with this women- group has gathered. If needed, refer to page 40 in Module Two for centred approach, the facilitator assists women in taking negative examples of check-in phrases you may wish to use descriptions of themselves and reframing them to more accurately describe their motives or behaviour. The reframing recognizes the 2. Core Learning Activity: Reframing reality or the impact of the abuse and helps women see that they Women’s Response to Abuse: Safety, are making wise decisions in what is an unbearable situation.

Strengths and Impacts As facilitators, continually make use of this exercise as a frame of Women often wonder if they are partly, or even completely, reference when you interact with women. From the first intake responsible for the abuse. Abusive men impose this idea by meeting to the last session and particularly during check-in time, blaming women for their explosive behaviour (e.g. “she pushed my use this exercise to gently offer women a more accurate way to buttons” or “she’s a drunk”). Society tends to reinforce this idea. look at their experience. For example, if a woman says that she has Friends and family may ask a woman what she did to provoke the “poor boundaries with her partner,” wonder aloud if it is safe to set abuse, while professionals may suggest that she can improve the boundaries in her relationship. situation by having “better boundaries” or working on her issue of MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 64 enough. You are notassertive You love too much. You nagtoo much. low. Your are expectations too your partner. You’re too dependent on You avoid conflict. You are too outspoken. Negative Description You are crazy. You are anaddict. You are needy. You are codependent. feelings. attention to your partner’s You pay too much My partner wants meto partner My to stay safe.partner I accommodate my explosions. moods to anticipate I focus onmy partner’s opinions. express my needsor itisunsafeI know to abusive. won’t and become angry I have to beloving sohe forgetfulness. I willbeblamedfor his or remind my partner IhaveI know to my expectations. itisunsafeI know to state need to control me. threatens my partner’s myI know independence well-being. emotional andphysical I watch outfor my accusations. against my partner’s I needto defend myself Strategy Safety I amattentive to danger. my partner. I usesubstances to placate he cancontrol me. be dependent onhimso I’m to my partner asking I amatolerant person. relationship. andour my partner I’m interested in relationships. and compromise inmy I’m ableto negotiate and ideas. I have my own opinions Strength to fear. I have natural responses me cope withtheabuse. Using substances helps needs are met. relationship where my I aminterested in a relationship work. to makemy I amtrying I care aboutmy partner. ofothers.I amrespectful compassionate person. I amacaring, in therelationship. be responsible for hispart I have to repeat myself in forced to lower them. my soIam expectations doesnotmeet partner My financially). to bedependent (socially, hasforced partner me My conflict. have mademeafraid of experiences ofabuse My I feel silenced. Impact The abuseiscrazy-making. dependent onhim. druguseforcesMy meto be feeling dependent. me andleft self-confidence The abusehaslowered my keep my focus onhim. abusehasforcedHis meto to my personalneeds. I amunableto pay attention have mademecautious. experiences ofabuse My in therelationship. keeps the me cycle engaged The honeymoonphaseof order to beheard. Suggest to the women that they brainstorm negative descriptions they have of themselves, or that others have labeled them with. Draw the table below on the flip chart:

REFRAME Negative Description Safety Strategy, Strength, or Impact

65 You only need to come up with one positive reframe for each abuse has made her afraid, and we write this phrase in the Reframe negative, something that fits the situation of the woman who column. We do not need to discuss at this point how being too named the negative. anxious might also be considered a strength, or a safety strategy. If these ideas do come up, write them down as well, but do not If a woman is told that she is too anxious, we can simply identify elaborate on these ideas at this time. this as an impact of the abuse: she is anxious because her partner’s

REFRAME Negative Description Safety Strategy, Strength, or Impact

I am too timid. The abuse has made me cautious.

The group works as a whole to reframe negatives into amore Myth Reality positive and accurate understanding of these feelings and behaviours. In the process, the women’s motives and actions are Women’s feelings Women’s feelings and behaviours are interpreted through the lens of coping with abuse. and behaviours are  interpreted in the described negatively In this session, the central themes we examine are: light of abuse

Women are seen as the Abuse is seen as the  problem problem

Women are seen as Women are seen as not making wise decisions  being very smart in dangerous situations MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 66 next. His behaviouris“crazy -making” butsheisnot“crazy.” the frightening and hateful then moment, one engaging and kind loving, is who partner a has she sense: make emotions powerful yet different radically these experiencing, is she what woman the and depressed at other times. contrary When we take the time to hear from and extreme demonstrating emotions—feeling energetic and optimistic at times, then deflated probably is bipolar as described is who woman A abuse. the surviving for strategy safety necessary a is behaviour her that clear becomes woman—it the of through a violence- and trauma- informed lens—through the eyes behaviour this at look we when But observe. may others what is This demands. and needs his accommodates and partner, her to attention of deal great a pays she because this told been probably has codependent is she is told is what who woman and A way,happening. really this them label they when what seeing women are asking others by diagnoses or labels these down Break more accuratelanguagetodescribewomen’s experiences. offer to and women, to attached get that labels particular some at look to opportunity the offers however module, This abuse. with living of result natural a being concerns health women’smental Muchwewith like did Women’s MentalHealth Making theLinks or expected. out searching for abusive partners or think it is normal, acceptable relationship, he showed these positive qualities. Women do not go their in early because partners their chose They reciprocity. and equality, laughter, for, cared be to respect, love, will identify: Women likely partners. their in for look they what women Ask was becausetheywere positive qualities. attractedtocertain they want. Remind women that when they chose their partners, it experiences with being in a good relationship, but they know what relationship is. Some of the women in the group may not have any healthy a what of sense don’tgood they a havewomen told have may providers service and “poor family their Friends, partners. discuss in to choices” started have may women time, this By Reframing Women’s Choices ModuleFive , we talk in this module about module this in we, talk strategy, because they know their partners will be angry if they if angry be will partners their know they because strategy, and ask what the reality is: Is of substance women’suse part safety descriptions negative these at look module, reframing this With “no willpower,” “unmotivated tochange.” “drunk,”are: “addict,”mom,”them “bad to assigned have others their negativethe lives,of some what that and descriptors applicable, if in medication prescription of role the about women Ask have negative things said about them by their partners and society. will relationship abusive an in cope to substances using Women Women’s Use Substance be livingwiththisimpactlongaftertheabuse. still may They concerns. health mental their aggravated or caused they get distance from the abuse. Other women see how the abuse when away go symptoms their how see may They fits. longer no or fit, not does given been have they diagnosis health mental the As women move through the group process, they may decide that should look like. look should in 44 page to needed, If refer closing. and check-out with group week’s this End andCheck-Out 3. Closing the of situation? stress the with cope women how use substance Is stop? oue Two Module for a reminder of what this this what of reminder a for Facilitator Notes—Module 6

______67 ______MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 68 Module 8:AmIResponsible for theAbuse? Module 7: Why Abusive? isMyPartner ABUSE FOR RESPONSIBILITY THEIR PARTNERS’ TO UNDERSTAND SUPPORTING WOMEN PHASE II: to their abusive partner and his needs. In these groups, the starting Module 7: Why is My Partner point and focus is on the woman and what is happening for her. Abusive? For this session, we shift the focus over to the abusive man’s belief system because once women know the material presented in this Core Learning Activity: Central, Superior session, they may have the answers about their partners that they and Deserving: Looking Through the need to transfer the focus onto themselves, and to move forward Lens of the Abuser with their lives. Preparation for Group: Begin this session by verbally listing off common explanations women might have for their partner’s abusive behaviour: □□ Make reminder phone calls »» My partner has a problem with his anger (or has a bad □□ Review material temper) and sometimes he simply loses control. □□ Prepare handouts »» My partner is under a lot of stress because of his work (or »» Making a Support Plan (extra copies) lack of work) and his explosions are a result of this stress. □□ Prepare snack »» My partner suffers from some form of mental illness □□ Set up room (depression, bi-polar, personality disorder). He can’t help the »» Flip chart way he behaves. »» Flip chart paper »» My partner was abused as a child and is repeating patterns. »» Markers 69 »» Name tags »» My partner is addicted to drugs or alcohol and would stop »» Tissue being abusive if he were clean and sober. »» Women’s folders »» My partner and I have different styles for dealing with conflict. 1. Check-In Although these are common explanations for abuse in Western One facilitator leads the group through check-in, when the culture, they do not justify abuse or give any helpful insight as group has gathered. If needed, refer to page 40 in Module Two for to what is actually going on in the mind of an abusive man. It is examples of check-in phrases you may wish to use important for women to know that their partner may in fact be stressed or depressed or come from an abusive or dysfunctional 2. Core Learning Activity: Central, home, but also that none of these explanations fully describe or Superior and Deserving: Looking justify abusive behaviour. Through the Lens of the Abuser Central, Superior and Deserving Make sure to tell the group that even though we use the pronoun “he” throughout our exercises, the group is inclusive and relevant The following study conducted at the University of British to women’s experiences of abuse in same sex relationships. We use Columbia offers an insightful explanation for abusive men’s “he” only to reflect the predominance of male violence against behaviour, that we can present to the women. Through extensive women, and for simplicity. interviews with abusive men, researchers found that these men consistently communicated similar beliefs and ideas73 that Why are Men Abusive? supported their actions to maintain power and control over their partner. The research pointed to three key ideas that make It is common for women to spend lots of mental energy trying up the belief system of abusive men: to figure out why their partners do the abusive things they do. A woman in an abusive relationship wants things to change and »» He is Central in the relationship. (Everything revolves believes that if she can figure out what is wrong with her partner; around him.) she can get him to change. Often women start asking questions »» He is Superior in the relationship. (He is better than her, about their partners on the very first night of group. Abuse distracts smarter than her.) women’s focus away from themselves and their own needs, and on MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 70 might say that he believes in equality between men and women, and men between equality in believes he that say might abusive is who man A actions. and words between Distinguish inthe relationship.deserving and superior central, be to desire their enforce to tactic any use and control to maintain this privileged position. Abusive men will They use powerhave a right to be central, superior and deserving. they that women, over control and power hold “right”to a have they believe to men abusive leads system belief This distorted. is perspective whole our distorted, are lenses our if significant: very arelife at look people throughwhich lenses relationships,the and their at look they which through “lens” the is It men. abusive of three ideas (central, these superior, deserving) make that up the belief system clear it Make relationship. the in maintain control to and power is behaviour abusive of purpose the that Exercise come puzzle together. the Women know from of doing the Power and pieces Control Wheel important some module, this With forallwomen. true be will shared are that examples the all not so vary, experiences important to help women connect with these key is words. Women’s storytelling this as women’s examples, the hear to time some Takedeserving? or superior central, is it like looks that seen have they behaviour of relationships, their from examples, us give they to respond thewomen to the three words: Do Ask the words ring true for them? Can storytelling. for opportunity agood is This from the woman, with little sense that he needs to give back. bulk of the menial tasks, like parenting and housework. Hethe willdo should partner takehis thatthink also will Hethem. wants he demandthat his needs for rest, relaxation and sex be met whenever A partner who believes he is the deserving one in the relationship will more than whatshedoes. important be to occupation or work his considers he certainly and partner,his than money more makes he that him to important be may It computers. or cars or politics about more knows Heher. than smarter is He matters. that anything in partner his than better is A partner who believes he is superior in the relationship believes he The it. wants he household revolves around hisneedsanddemands. whenever attention, partner’s his demands relationship a in central as himself see to wants who partner A “Abuse Belief System.” Say what these words mean in this context. paper,flipchart of side hand left the along heading the with along words the Write » » he issick,attheexpenseofherneeds.) (He isentitledtohave allofhisneedsmete.g.sexually, when He is Deserving Central ofmanyprivilegeswithintherelationship. , Superior and Deserving n column, a in hr bt idvdas nes r se a iprat n each and strives tomeettheother’spartner needs. important as seen are needs individuals’ both where Mutual and respected are valued. that qualities important bring people both Equal totheirpartners. connected inpartnership Connected In women’s relationships, mostwomenseektobe: Women’s Paradigm their partners’ actions,insteadoflisteningtowhattheyare saying. observe simply and button “mute” the on put to women to take on the burden of most of these responsibilities? Encourage her expect he does Or responsibilities? rearing child or chores the but his actions are what matter: Does he take on an equal share of thought their partners sharedthought theirpartners the same beliefsystem. believe everyone thinks the same way we do, the women may have we up aparadigm paradigms in because and women, most with resonates make that words system belief relationship These mutuality? and equality partnership—connection, lifelong a in for looking are they what this Is them? for true ring words these Do input: for women the ask flipchart, the on written are words the After for personalfulfillment, rest and relaxation. The needs of both partners are considered. Both get opportunities Third, to be mutual in a relationship means there is give and take. be intelligentandcapable. to seen are people Both unit. family the to labour and skill important gifts, contributing be to seen are people Both valued. are people both that means relationship a in equal an be to Second, a partnership. You wanttoformateamwiththeotherperson. First, to be connected in a relationship means that you are seeking The twobeliefsystemsare now easilycontrastedwitheachother: paper.the righthandsideofflipchart Writewordsthe Abuse Belief SystemAbuse Belief Wmn at qaiy ihn h rltosi, where relationship, the within equality want —Women —Women want both individuals to care for each other, each for care to individuals both want —Women Deserving Superior Wmn at eainhp wee hy feel they where relationships want —Women Central Connected, EqualConnected, and Relationship Belief SystemRelationship Belief Mutual Connected Mutual Equal in a column, along column, a in Similarly, men who are abusive believe that their partners approach their partner attending anger management classes or addiction relationships the same way they do: they believe their (women) treatment; for change to occur, men need to first hold themselves partners are trying to be central, superior and deserving. This is why accountable. Some women realize that their partners would never a man who is abusive often accuses his partner of being “selfish” do the hard work involved in this kind of change. Others wonder or of “trying to be better” than him. When the woman tries to be what kind of counseling might help a man who is abusive to make connected, he thinks she is trying to be central—“connected” is this kind of change. Direct women to the articles on counseling not an option, in his belief system. When the woman seeks to be for men that are part of this curriculum. treated as an equal, he thinks she is trying to make herself better If the women in your group would like more information on the than him. He does not understand the language of equality— belief systems of abusive men, recommend Lundy Bancroft’s book everyone is in a hierarchy, from his perspective. When the woman “Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling seeks to have her needs met, he will believe she is being selfish— Men.” “mutuality” is often not in his vocabulary. In this session, the central themes we examine are: Most women would have thought that both they and their partners were interested in connection, equality and mutuality. To discover that their partners are playing the game by an entirely different set Myth Reality of rules, and that there are two different belief systems at play in Women and abusive Abusive men view the relationship, is often a shocking moment of realization. men are interested in relationships from  relationships in similar a framework of On the bottom half of the flipchart paper, write the words ways power and control 71 central, superior and deserving again. Ask the women: What is Men’s abusiveness is Men’s abusiveness due to stress, anger left for them if their partner insists on being central, superior and  is due to their belief management problems, or deserving? If a man insists on being central, what role is left for system different conflict styles his partner? If a man seeks to be superior, what does that make his Men’s abusiveness is partner? If a man is only interested in being deserving and having Men’s abusiveness due to childhood abuse,  is due to their belief all his needs met, what does that mean for his partner? Take the addictions, or mental system words the women offer and write them on the flipchart: illness

Abuse Belief System You Central Peripheral Superior Inferior Making the Links Deserving Serving Women’s Mental Health Ask the women if this is how they feel their relationship. This module often helps women feel less “crazy.” Women often This exercise is usually quite pivotal for women’s understanding relate very strongly with the words connected, equality and of what is going on in their relationship. It can be helpful or mutuality, and see how this is what they have been striving for in overwhelming or both to realize the two different paradigms at their relationship. Realizing that they know how relationships are play in the relationship. Sometimes women want to share this supposed to work, and that their partners do not, helps women information with their partner in the hopes that it will bring feel stronger and clearer about their situation. about change. Caution women that most men who are abusive will disagree with this analysis and insist that they are not seeking 3. Closing and Check-out to be central, superior and deserving. Most men know enough to End this week’s group with check-out and closing. If needed, talk about gender equality, but their actions are what really matter. refer to page 44 in Module Two for a reminder of what this This material answers some questions for women, and raises should look like. others. Women now have a sense of the fundamental change that is necessary in abusive men’s belief system if they are to stop being abusive. It may become clear to women that it is not about MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 72 ______Facilitator Notes—Module 7 Module 8: Am I Responsible For 1. Check-In The Abuse? One facilitator leads the group through check-in, when the group has gathered. If needed, refer to page 40 in Module Two for Core Learning Activity: First Incident of examples of check-in phrases you may wish to use. Abuse 2. Core Learning Activity: First Incident ***Plan to take two weeks to cover this module*** of Abuse Preparation for Group: Ask women to remember the first time they were abused in their relationship (usually, women recall a small event early on □□ Make reminder phone calls in the relationship). Then ask women to remember what their □□ Review material first reaction or “gut” reaction was to this incident (usually, □□ Prepare handouts women remember feeling uncomfortable with the abuse). Then »» Making a Support Plan (extra copies) ask women to recall what their partners or others said to silence their “gut” reactions. This module takes longer than one session □□ Prepare snack to complete as the women do this exercise one at a time, while □□ Set up room the other women listen. Plan on taking two weeks to cover this »» Flip chart module. »» Flip chart paper 73 »» Markers Begin by writing the following four headings on flipchart paper. »» Name tags

»» Tissue »» Women’s folders

What Attracted Me Incident My Voice Dominant Voice

Tell the group that this exercise is different from the rest of the If a woman is struggling, remind her to think back to when she exercises, because one woman does it at a time and the rest of the first met her partner. She knows things about him now that she group observes and listens. Ask the group if someone is willing to did not know then, but how did he first present himself? This is go first, assuring them that you will “walk them through it.” helpful for many women who have no doubt been told that they are attracted to abusive men. Women can clearly see that they were What Attracted Me?: Women do not usually find it hard to come attracted to good qualities in their partners, at that time. up with a long list of what attracted them to their partner: Incident: When a woman has completed that list, ask her to think »» Interested in me back to the first incident of abuse. The woman would not likely »» Wants to spend time with me have seen this first incident as abusive but it would not have felt »» Good listener okay in her “gut.” You can ask her, “When was the first time he did something and your gut said, ‘that is not okay’?” »» Has a good job »» Good with kids Women’s answers to this question are as varied as the women themselves: their partners may have made a sarcastic comment, »» Shares values or interests with me raised their voice, talked down to the women, pressured the »» Can protect or take care of me women to have drinks, or have been deceitful in some way. MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 74 this gutreaction down onpaper, namingitashervoice: women’sA “thisokay.”her not tell is always almost gut Tryget to behaviour. Begin totalkaboutthis“gut reaction” as“hervoice.” Voice: My and abuse of theirgutastheexpert. begin totrust forms subtle more the see women helps exercise this but abusive, as events big the see to begun have may They recognize. they than longer much present been has abuse their that see women helping is exercise this of gifts great the of One had notseenitasabusive. never hadachance to process itandshe the date was notokay withherbutshehad firstdate.very Herpartner’sbehaviour on onthe ofsomethingthathappened story with her. The woman answered by telling a earlierthatdidnotfeelokaythat happened able to askherifthere was ever anything before. Once sheshared thisstory, we were not hadachance to share itwithanyone nightmarish to thewoman andshehad home from thehospital. This event was thedaytheybroughthappened thechild exercise, to tell what thewoman started suddenly became abusive. this During came into the family, andthenherpartner the third child(awithadisability) sworn thattherelationship was fineuntil We once hadawoman ingroup whohad can feellikepeelinglayers ofanonion: exercise This traumatic. less much been have may that something to relationship the into further back go can she before share to the in earlier happened have relationship. Sometimes there is a big event that the woman may needs that incident other any of think can she if her ask then and story that tell to minutes few a woman the Give relationship. the into well happened that event or months of the relationship. Sometimes, women start to share an weeks Youfirst the within happened that event an for looking are —Group facilitator, s te oa wa hr u rato ws t his to was, reaction gut her what woman the Ask Making Connections » » » » » » member, theculture, orideasshewasraisedwith: family or friend a partner, her from come woman’smay It voice. Voice: Dominant » » » » » In thissession,thecentralthemeswe examineare: observations. some making start exercise, the done have women few a Once and askifanotherwomaniswillingtotry. When a woman has finished the exercise, thank her for her courage tried tooverpower hervoice. and quickly very spoken have may voice, Another reaction. gut first her to back think to her okay,encourage was abuse the said voice her says woman the If it. justifies voice dominant the while abuse, the opposes gut) (or voice her that is guide good A voice. the thought, or own their as it see to come have they long, so for voice dominant heard, have women Sometimes, apart. voice dominant the and voice her to tell difficult it find can Women » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » My expectationsare toohigh He withmentalhealthconcerns isstruggling I amhiswife,itismyjob He isunderalotof stress You needtoprotect aman’s ego Boys willbeboys What thehellwasthat? That isnotfair He isoverreacting that I donotdeserve Wow, (emotionallyorphysically) thathurt! many drinks,keptthekidsuplate) I shouldn’t have…(questioned him,wornthatdress, hadso I amdifficulttolive with I amtoosensitive I amoverreacting This is the voice that serves to silence the to serves that voice the is This Myth Reality their voice and even express it. Learning to listen to and trust their voice is a process that takes time for women. Abuse has made them Women are attracted doubt their voice and their instincts. to positive qualities Women are attracted and outwardly abusive  Take a moment to notice how the first column and the fourth to the abuse behaviour is rarely shown in the beginning stages of column work together to silence the woman’s voice (third a relationship column). Women may have thought the first column represented Women are “the real guy” and have been hoping their partners would return Women stay for a responsible for  multitude of complex to behaving the way they used to behave. The dominant voice has staying in an abusive reasons been telling women to disregard her voice or “gut.” Women are relationship just beginning to see the first column as manipulative kindness/ Women believe that Women’s intuition is honeymoon behaviour, and not the true nature of their partners. abusive behaviour is  minimised, dismissed and normal silenced Point out that the dominant voice is very strong and very hard Women have low to ignore. It can come from many sources—the partner, media, expectations of Abuse gradually erodes friends, family and service providers. Terrible consequences may relationships and  women’s expectations of have resulted in women resisting the dominant voice. Beside the accept abusive relationships dominant voice, her voice may sound like a soft whisper and is treatment easy to ignore. Women can spend an enormous amount of time This exercise helps discredit the notion that some women are and emotional energy trying to make the dominant voice “okay” attracted to men who are abusive. Women are always able to come for them when it is really not okay. 75 up with a long list of things they were first attracted to in their Suggest to women that when their partners do something that is partner. They were not attracted to abuse. The abuse was disguised not okay with them, they may want to take some time to process until they were committed, to some extent, and they could no the experience using this exercise and interpret the new event longer walk away easily. through this lens. They do not need to fill out the first column Take plenty of time with each woman to do the first column again; they can just remember that they were attracted to good of qualities the woman was attracted to, as it helps remind the qualities. Emphasize that women try to figure out what her voice woman that the first incidents of abuse happened in the context of says about the incident, what the dominant voice says, and that lots of positive things. Step back and look at the list, after a woman they turn up the volume on their voice and trust it more. Be clear has completed the first column. Most of the time we can say, “this you are not suggesting women become more vocal with their is what any woman would be looking for in a partner.” Sometimes partners, as this may not be safe. But they can begin to raise the a woman is attracted to a man because he can help meet some of volume in their own heads, and begin to trust their voice. her needs (a place to stay) or can protect her (for women using This exercise helps women hear her voice and see the dominant street drugs). Understanding this helps reassure women that their voice for what it is: a voice determined to silence them and cut instincts are healthy and that they tried to make a good choice for them off from their true selves. This exercise is an opportunity for themselves. the women in the group to rewrite their history. This is particularly Learning to trust her voice and her wisdom is one of the single powerful for women who have had their experiences and history most valuable things a woman can take away from a Making defined by their abusive partner. Suggest to women they may want Connections support group. This exercise helps women see the to use this exercise on a regular basis. Give women the choice of wisdom and gift of their “voice” and to trust it more. Thedominant taking their chart with them to remind them of their voice, or voice may seek to silence a woman’s voice, and the woman may leaving them in their folders. have turned down the volume on her voice, but the it is still there.

It is a big step for women to trust their voice. Suggest to women that they can experiment with trusting their voice in situations that feel safe. The group is a good place for women to try to hear MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 76 should look like. look should in 44 page to needed, If refer closing. and check-out with group week’s this End andCheck-Out 3. Closing of the part are They true. not are statements these that see women Help ashewas”;was justasdrunk “she shouldn’t have beenusing.” the of time the at using were they if abuse the for responsible) them hold others (or responsiblethemselves hold Womenmeth.” uses he when violent gets “he much”; too drank high”;“he was “he sober”; stay to “he’s behaviour: trying abusive their minimize or excuse explain, to use substance use often Men the in use substance of role the at Look oralcohol. supply thewomanwithdrugs to able is he or together,recovery” “in being of experience the someone understanding of their substance use. Perhaps they share Women’s partners may also present themselves in the beginning as Women’s Use Substance a monster.” bi-polar—one minute he was himself, the next he had turned into reallydepressed”; “he’d pressure”;of lot a under been be must “he crazy”;go just “he’d unemploymentwas with and struggling been to seemed “he say may responsibility.woman of A him relieve to used be may partner’shealth the mental abuse, the for her blame Note that while a woman’s mental health concerns may be used to abusive relationship isinfact“crazy-making.” the vs. Womenof opinions and ideas opposite the with struggle women’sthe illness.”“mentalon abuse their blame may partners the point, this medicated.”At be “needto with”or deal to “hard are women the that relationship,insisting the in later only health mental her of terms in hurtful are that things say may partners Abusive qualities. attractive appealing, all are These are. they as have said they understand the women’s diagnosis and accept them would they protect them women or take care told of them. have The abusive partners may may partners abusive beginning, the In Women’s MentalHealth Making theLinks dominant voice dominant voice dominant andare notacceptable excuses forabuse. oue Two Module of their partner and others. Living in an in Living others. and partner their of for a reminder of what this this what of reminder a for First Incident First First IncidentFirst of Abuse. of her voiceher : “she:

Facilitator Notes—Module 8

______77 ______MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 78 Module 11:Next StepsandClosing Module 10:Hope, Healing andSupport M FINDING HOPE REBUILDING AND PHASE III: odule 9:Grief, Loss andRebuilding Module 9: Grief, Loss and Rebuilding Core Learning Activity: Grief and Loss and Rebuilding Cycle *** Plan to take two weeks to cover this material***

Preparation for Group: □□ Make reminder phone calls □□ Review material □□ Prepare handouts »» Making a Support Plan (extra copies) □□ Prepare snack Grieving □□ Set up room »» Flip chart Explain to the women that healing from abuse involves both »» Flip chart paper periods of intense grief and sadness as well as periods of rebuilding 79 »» Markers and hope. For this exercise, invite the women to explore grieving »» Name tags and rebuilding as they both relate to the process of healing. »» Tissue »» Women’s folders Lots of great discussion comes out of this module, so plan to take two weeks. Focus the first week of this module on grief, and focus 1. Check-In the second week on rebuilding. The group can also move between these two aspects of healing throughout the two sessions. One facilitator leads the group through check-in, when the group has gathered. If needed, refer to page 40 in Module Two for Begin with mentioning that a woman leaving, or contemplating examples of check-in phrases you may wish to use. leaving, an abusive partner experiences a great deal of grief: 2. Core Learning Activity: Grief and Loss “I grieve the loss of who I thought my and Rebuilding husband was.” “I no longer trust the person I thought I The healing process is complex and lengthy for women who have could trust the most.” experienced abuse, are healing from mental health concerns or substance use, and other impacts of abuse. Healing involves both “I grieve the loss of my hopes and dreams.” grieving and rebuilding. We offer women a diagramxii to help give “My life is not at all how I wanted it to be.” them language to describe their healing process. “My family, as I knew it, is gone.” Draw a figure 8 on the flip chart, with a small gap on the top “I only have my children 50% of the time.” and bottom of the figure 8. Write “rebuilding” on the top and “I now have a substance use problem.” “grieving” on the bottom: “I lost custody of my children.” “I lost the opportunity to be a ‘stay at home mom.’

xiv. Used with permission from When Love Hurts: A Women’s Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 80 u ter elns f re my e ikd o oste os f a of loss loss—the to linked be may grief of feelings their but abuse, the from free finally are they that happy be should women believes Society income. in loss a often and subject stigma judgment, to is she relationship, abusive an leaving to due partner a loses woman a When food. of gifts and childcare insurance, life death, they receive a great deal of support including time off work, to due partners their lose women safety.When their for best be might leaving knowtheir but love still partner often their women as complicated is abusiverelationship. grief leave,an of form This or in, live to takes it strength much how and is it difficult how of not recognized as a cause for grief. There is no societal recognition are partner, abusive an from especially separation, and Divorce difficult togrieve theselosses. very it makes partner,society abusive an from living separating or with from comes grief of amount enormous an though Even Loss ofRelationship a while, offer for some explanation for separated this “delayed” been or had “complex grief.” they until grief of feelings experience not did they that or grieve to hard it find they express women If word “grieving.” the to next chart flip the of half bottom the on say they what List isolation)? of sense anxiety,can’tincreased more,heightened (sleeps eat, her feelings affect her habits and moods, i.e how does it “show up” for affect it Does their frequency or quantity of use? How do they health. feel? How do her mental and use substance process their this impacts how women Ask feel? they do What grieving. are they when them to happens what name to women the ask Now “I losteverything!” (education, career).” “I’m feelingthelossofopportunities “I feellike I’ve years lostthebest ofmy life.” “I lostallsenseoffinancialsecurity.” “addict”).” (“singlemom,”“I feellabeled “mentally ill, status.”“I lostsocial community.” “I lostmostofmy friendsandmy “I lostmy home.” children“My turnedagainstme.” » » » » » Women are often“frozen” intheirgrief: of financialstability, orlossofthefamilyunit. relationship that they put a great deal of time and energy into, loss og ie o ok hog te mtos soitd ih this with associated emotions the through work to time long a take can and traumatic, losses compounding and multiple of their children. Both other women and their children find this experience lose also often they relationships and social networks childrenthat were connected to caring for their lose women When or long term, and they also a carry great deal of shame and blame. welfare removaltemporarily the children,either involvementand their of child with experiences their to related loss and grief of child battles, custody death. welfareevenWomeninvolvement or greatdeal a feel often to due children lost have women Some Loss ofChildren mental healthtodecrease. her cause may or retraumatization, the escape to self-medicate to women lead can This it.”over “get to inability her of because or is something wrong with her because she continues to feel sadness, there that or ashamed feel her “over make be can it.”should This she think providers/professionals service family,and some friends time this By decades. even or ofloss years, of series a over comes or recognition often feeling The quite losses. feel her can by she overwhelmed Suddenly woman. a over feelings sweep unexpected sadness separation, of after time long a Sometimes, » » » » » have the opportunity togrievehave thelossofrelationship theopportunity Women oftendonot stilllivingwithanabusive partner expressing grief. to experiencegriefandsowomenare discouragedfrom it isnormalforwomenseparatingfrom anabusive partner Friends, familyandprofessionals donotunderstandthat may endupnotpayingattentiontoherown. She needstofocusonherchildren’s emotionalneedsand job, etc.) findingahome,court She isoverwhelmed withpracticalconcerns(i.e.findinga children andherfinancialsecurity. emotionally toughsoshecanfighttoprotect herself, her The abusecontinuesandsothewomanhasto remain stays”). judge womenforstaying(i.e.“hemustnotbethatbadifshe focusing ontheimmediatecrisis.Support peoplemayalso or themantheythoughthadcommittedto. Theyare loss. This is further compounded for women who had their own Most women find the first few years after separation to be a roller experiences of child protection removal and institutional abuse coaster of emotions. Sometimes they feel all of the losses of the (i.e. residential schools) as children. relationship (bottom part of the figure 8) while at other times they are relieved and happy to have left (top part of the figure 8). As Substance use plays a large role as a coping mechanism for many time passes, many women begin to feel excited and even joyful in women who have lost their children. Women who are actively their newfound freedom and independence. It is normal to have using when their children are apprehended often continue to use, a mixture of emotions. In fact, moving through various thoughts or increase their use of substances, to numb the pain and shame and feelings is a key component to healing. associated with the loss. This negatively impacts the likelihood that their children will be returned to them, which further feeds the Ask the women to explore the top part of the figure 8, titled desire to use. Some women may have had multiple experiences of “rebuilding,” the part of the healing process when women are loss associated with child apprehension and/or death. The silence moving forward and feeling more hopeful about their future. The around women’s experiences of abuse, and their loss of children, abuse destroys so much, that a great deal of rebuilding needs to helps perpetuate this cycle. happen. Ask the women what they do or feel when they are in the rebuilding part of the healing process and write what they say on My life was just starting to get good. And the flip chart. then they ripped my kids away. It literally threw me down the darkest hole I’ve Try to get as many examples of rebuilding on the paper as possible, ever been in, even after being raped and large or small: tortured. This was almost worse, because I 81 was fighting my way back, and they literally »» “I had a hot bath” kicked me in the face. I went straight to the »» “I phoned a friend” crack dealer’s house and he handed me the »» “I went to a meeting” pipe and a big pile of dope and I was gone for a week. I never slept for a week. I was a »» “I do yoga or meditate” mess. And then they ended up giving my »» “I talk to my counsellor” little guy to my ex-husband who is worse »» “I watched a funny movie” than me. Meanwhile he walks in, “Oh yah, »» she’s had a crack problem before.” “I took my child to the park” Ask women how this process impacts their substance use and —Beth, Building Bridges mental health: “Does it affect frequency or quantity of use?” “How Sharing experiences of child removal and apprehension can be does it feel?” “How does it manifest?” (i.e. do the women feel overwhelming and can bring up a lot of difficult feelings, especially positive and engaged in life, able to participate in daily activities for women who are talking openly about it for the first time. Be better, less anxious). sensitive to this and offer the space for women to share their Rebuilding is linked to supportive social networks and community, stories. Remind women that you are available after the group and including participating in a support group where women can during the week if they wish to discuss the loss of their children share their experiences with other women in a safe and supportive further. It is important that women know that there is no timeline environment. Support groups, like Making Connections groups, for grief and loss. It is also important for women to know that are a powerful tool for helping women heal and rebuild from their the supportive people around them can help them manage their losses. Take some time to ask women what other support they have grief.Ask the women if there is anything else they see as part of accessed for themselves and what support they are still looking for. the grieving process that they would like to write on the flip chart. Once there is a good list of both grieving and rebuilding behaviours Rebuilding and feelings, speak more about the interplay between grieving and rebuilding. This is a good time to establish that grief and rebuilding are both part of the healing process. MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 82 In thissession,thecentralthemeswe examineare: their abusive partner, if theyplantoonedayleave. with longer no are they when time a to forward look perhaps to in currently women women for opportunity an also is module This abusivesituations. with resonate may that blame) of herself relieving and tactics abusive partner’s her into insight (gaining rebuilding as well as networks) social or children of (loss loss and to leave. The module encourages women to share examples of grief pressuring not are you women currently with abusive relationship, partners to leave, or expecting them abusive an leaving after Be clear that while this module focuses a lot on grief and rebuilding event likeaholidayorfamilywedding. significant some of because perhaps again, up comes grief when surprised be and rebuilding exclusivelyon almost focused be may woman the relationship, the in still while support some getting or time long a for separated being After part. rebuilding the of of her time in the grieving part of the process or and only get glimpses relationship the majority the spend in may woman a separation, a after immediately still While woman. each for time over differentbeen has figureit the of shape The past. the in 8changes Ask the women what shape the figure 8 takes for them now, and if long process. a be to it for normal is it although end, an to come does process emotional intense this that reminder a is 8 figure the of bottom and top the at The “opening” separation. after years grieving still are they because “somethingthem is wrong”with there afraid are the both make that reasons grieving and rebuilding the part of this process difficult. Many of women some of women Remind or accomplishment. event smallest the at hope or joy feel warning emotions, without uncomfortable then and powerful many feeling grief, in back into grief. Similarly, she may be spending a great deal of swept time herself find suddenly then process, the of part rebuilding forward moving the in days even and times hours spend may woman A lives. their with other at experienced, have they ofthe losses all andnaming feeling sometimes 8: figure the through “cycling” of process a is process healing the women, many For or overwhelming or both to see how difficult this healing process healing this difficult is?” how see to both or overwhelming or “ diagram: this draw to like been has it what say and diagram the at look women the have to moment a Nowtake and tocelebratewomen’s “baby steps” forward. process, rebuilding the of enormity the name to place a is group “enough.”accomplishing The are they think not do they because themselves happen on hard should often are Women it not. does that it but feel quickly, women makes often society Our takes. process rebuilding the long how at despair often Women now. have they feelings uncomfortable and intense the feel always not will they that and it, through move to work important doing are in the process (including if they are frozen that in they their grief), are they wherever that women the Encourage healing. of process overall the for work, rebuilding as important as just is work grief context—but this in grief of necessity the understand fully not more supportive of women when they are rebuilding, as they may be likely will providers service and family Friends, process. the of part rebuilding the in be to enjoyable more lot a is it though quickly be ableto rebuild Women should relationship out ofanabusive just begladto be Women should and “move on” quickly over” therelationship Women should “get oe ht re i a iprat at f hs rcs, even process, this of part important an is grief that Note Myth    process make rebuilding aslow emotional andpractical, Many reasons, both relationship the endofasignificant to isnormal grieve It complicated andlengthy abusive relationship is related to theendofan The healingprocess Reality Is it validating it Is Making the Links Women’s Mental Health

All women who have lived with abusive men face a period of grief and rebuilding after the relationship ends. Women with mental health concerns encounter even more challenges as they seek to heal from abuse. The heightened anxiety, depression, insomnia or other distress normally associated with grief, worsens women’s already existing mental health conditions. If a woman is already seen as “mentally unstable” in her community, she may be judged for grieving the end of her abusive relationship, which can make the grieving and rebuilding process more difficult. Allow group to be a safe place for women to express their grief and to understand that grief is natural and healthy.

Talk about how the rebuilding part of the figure 8 affects women’s mental well-being. When do they feel less overwhelmed, less anxious, happy or hopeful? When do they feel able to engage more in life and participate in daily activities? What or who helps to 83 improve their mental wellness? Do they require less medication at certain times or situations?

Women’s Substance Use

Making the link between abuse, mental health and/or substance use, helps make women’s losses clearer. When women start to use substances, they may lose friends and family—people who disapprove of their use. When women stop using substances, they also lose friends and family—a network of others who are using. Women may find that to stay sober, they need to cut people out of their lives. Sometimes a woman’s experiences of abuse and substance use intersect in a way that results in her child(ren) being apprehended by child protection services. The loss is devastating and can lead to an increase in her use of substances to cope.

Ask women how their grief affects their substance use: Does it affect their frequency or quantity of use? If they are “in recovery”, does it make it harder to stay sober? Does it affect their need for prescription drugs to manage their mental distress? What role does substance use play in rebuilding? 3. Closing and Check-Out End this week’s group with check-out and closing. If needed, refer to page 44 in Module Two for a reminder of what this should look like. MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 84 ______Facilitator Notes—Module 9 you hope to go with this work in the future. Your willingness to be Module 10: Hope, Healing and vulnerable and creative helps women do likewise. Support Women may tend to focus on what has happened to them Core Learning Activity: Art Project externally (I am still living with him, I still do not have custody of my kids), but we want them to explore what has happened to ***Plan to take two weeks to cover this module*** them internally as well. Do they feel stronger or clearer? Do they have a more accurate understanding of abuse, how it works in Preparation for Group: their lives, and its impact? □□ Make reminder phone calls Assure women no one is judged on their ability as an artist. There □□ Review material is an opportunity at the end of the sessions for the women to share »» Prepare handouts their work, but no one is pressured to do so. »» Making a Support Plan (extra copies) Encourage the women to think about drawing or collaging three □□ Prepare snack different pictures. The first is how they were, or how they felt when □□ Set up room they first joined the group. The second is how they see themselves »» Flip chart now. The third is what they hope for in the future for themselves »» Flip chart paper (and for their children, if applicable). Women may want to use »» Markers three different pieces of paper or may want to draw it all on one »» Name tags piece of paper. 85 »» Tissue »» Women’s folders The internal process is very significant for a woman’s healing and this exercise gives women an opportunity to express, through □□ Gather together art supplies art, where they have come from, where they are now and where »» Paper they hope to be in the future. This is an emotionally ambitious »» Pencil crayons, pastels, markers, crayons undertaking for women, so we take two weeks. Invite the women »» Magazines, scissors, glue (for the option to make to relax into it and not feel rushed. Play quiet music if you can. collages) This may help women access their creativity. »» Sound equipment to play music (optional) »» Note cards or coloured pieces of paper Sometimes women find the third picture particularly challenging. If a woman is just trying to survive the day, how can she think 1. Check-In about her future in any significant way? If a woman expresses One facilitator leads the group through check-in, when the this concern, invite her to make it manageable for herself. The group has gathered. If needed, refer to page 40 in Module Two for picture might just be one or two positive things she would like to examples of check-in phrases you may wish to use be part of her future some day. Women need not have their futures all sorted out, but we are inviting them to dream and to open 2. Core Learning Activity: Art Project themselves up to the possibility of a brighter future—a future they deserve. The sixteen weeks of Making Connections support group is a significant time of important changes for women, although it is At the close of the week 14 session, ask the women what it was like just a small part of their overall process. In the art work exercise, to start the art work. Gather up the women’s work so you can keep invite them to think about what life was like for them at the it for the final week of group. Let the women know they will have beginning of group, what their life is like now, and what they hope time to complete the project the following week. for the future for themselves and for their children. Facilitators After check-in the following week (week 15), invite the women to also actively take part in the art work exercise—you might explore continue with their art work. Let them know the group will gather what led you into the work, how you do this work now and where back together again about 45 minutes before the end of group and MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 86 women willgive theirnotesouttoeachother.group, of end the to come you as session, 16 week the During “You are strong because…”). pieces of paper (e.g. “I admire you because…,” “Thankon you for…” phrases starter some include can you group, your in literacy of level the about concerned are you If facilitators. the including has enough note cards to write a note to each member of the group, or appreciated about each individual woman. Ensure each woman desired). The sentiments can be simple, something that is admired if facilitators the (including group the in woman each about two) or sentence (a note short take a write to to week them the during ask time some and paper of pieces coloured small or note cards small out hand session, 15 week the leave women Before celebrate thehard work you have donetogether. you as session, last this for food in order or share, to food some bring to women invite to decide may group. You of week final the is 16 week that women the remind 15, week end you Before Preparation for Final Week As facilitators,share your work aswell. comfortable. feel they if art their share to invited are women that 3. Closing andCheck-Out 3. Closing they hopeitwillbeinthefuture. use was like before they met their partner, what it is now, and what Women may want to include in their picture what their substance Women’s Use Substance » » » want toinclude: may women work, art their In health. mental their affected has abuse partners’ their how explore to women allows exercise This Women’s MentalHealth Making theLinks page 44 in End this week’s group with check-out and closing. If needed, refer to » » » What doIhopefor, intermsofmentalhealth,forthefuture? How ismymentalhealthnow? What wasmymentalhealthlikebefore Imetmypartner? Module Two for a reminder of what this should look like. Facilitator Notes—Module 10

______87 ______MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 88 organize a gathering. and If you or your touch organization can help in in terms be bevery can to volunteer will This woman one Perhaps helpful. support. peer another one offer to together get to continue women the that suggest appropriate, seems it If started. of the healing process. Some women may feel they are just getting end the mean not group does of end The time. long a for support want to normal is it that is message main The women. to helpful appropriate support. Share any resources you know of that may be the of piece overall healing process. short Encourage women to continue to seek out a only is group of weeks Sixteen lives. their rebuild they as support ongoing need concerns health mental or and/ use substance abuse, of experiences with Women session. group last the is this as steps, next about talk to time Takesome 2. Next Steps examples ofcheck-inphrasesyou maywishtouse. the when check-in, through in gathered.group40 has referIfpage needed, to group the leads facilitator One 1. Check-In □ □ □ □ □ □ Preparation for Group: Closing Core Next Learning Stepsand Activities: Closing Module 11:Next Stepsand □ □ □ □ □ □ Note cards facilitatorshave writtenforeachwoman Set uproom Prepare snack/order in/womentobringfoodshare Prepare handouts Review material Make reminder phonecalls » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » » Envelopes/Tins Note cards/coloured piecesofpaper Tissue Name tags Markers Flip paper chart Flip chart Making aSupport Plan (extracopies) Module Two for ae oe sae h nt crs hy rt fr ah other. each for wrote they cards note the share women Have 3. Note Cards even iftheycannottakethemhome. future, the in again them access can they so place safe a in folders women’s store to continue to offer also may you feasible, If them. shred to you like would they if or them, with home folders their notes in their folders. Let women choose if they would like to take and handouts collected have will women weeks, the Throughout of kind this out information. give to women all for safe be not may mind it that in Keep numbers. phone and/or addresses email other’s haveeach surethey make so, alreadydone havenot women Ifthe gather togetherincoffeeshops,parks oreachother’s homes. to women encourage simply this, provide to able not are you If this. know women the let childcare, or snacks providingspace, of with them? most challenging? What is the most significant thing theywas will take What appreciated? most they have was What What them? group? for of helpful end the at be to feel they do How out”: “check to women invite and time, last one circle the around Go andCheck-Out 4. Closing made. have they connections the for another one thank to participants and facilitators for opportunity good a is This encouragement. of that they can be taken out and read on challenging days as a source can be read in privacy. Also, the notes can be kept in a safe place so they where home taken be will but group during read be not will notes The cards. their store to women for tins small or envelopes out Hand woman.) each for cards write also should (Facilitators Facilitator Notes—Module 11

______89 ______MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 90 Appendices Appendix A: Making Connections Weekly Agenda

Making Connections Support Groups Linking women’s experiences of abuse and substance use and/or mental health

Weekly Agenda

Week 1—Welcome Week 8—Shifting from Blame to Impacts of Abuse (Continued) »» Introduction to facilitators and other participants »» »» Overview of group Reframing women’s response to abuse: Safety, Strength and Impacts 91 Week 2—Understanding Men’s Use of Abuse in »» How can women’s use of substances be a safety strategy and/ Relationships or a strength? »» Cycle of Abuse—abuser’s behaviour Week 9—Why is My Partner Abusive?

Week 3—Understanding Women’s Experiences of »» Central, Superior and Deserving: Looking through the lens Abuse of the abuser »» Cycle of Abuse—women’s experience Week 10 and 11—Am I Responsible for the Abuse? »» How is women’s mental health and substance use affected by »» the cycle of abuse? First incident of abuse »» Reclaiming women’s voices Week 4 & 5– Understanding the Many Forms of Abuse Week 12 & 13—Grief, Loss and Rebuilding »» Power and Control Wheel—Affirming women’s experiences of power and control »» Grief, loss and rebuilding cycle »» How is women’s mental health affected by the various forms »» How do women use substances to cope with their experiences of abuse? of grief and loss? »» How is women’s substance use affected by the various forms »» How does grief and loss affect women’s mental health? of abuse? Week 14 & 15—Hope, Healing and Support Week 6 & 7—Shifting from Blame to Impacts of Abuse »» Art Work »» Identifying the impacts of abuse on women Week 16—Closing »» Health and social impacts »» Next steps and Affirmations »» How do you understand the links between women’s experiences of abuse and mental health and/or substance use? MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 92 » » group; however, we dowiththeinformationdiscussed. cannotcontrol whatotherparticipants support the of outside discussions group the of contents the disclosing from refrain to participants all Facilitatorsencourage your fullknowledge. If theseconcernsshouldarise,facilitatorswillspeak withyou privately abouttheirconcerns.No actionwillbetakenwithout » » have concernsabout: facilitators if include situations These agencies. or information persons other reveal to conversations to related required or sessions is group during facilitator obtained group the law, the to according which, in circumstances few a also are There always dothisanonymously, unlesstheygetyour permissiontoreveal anypersonaloridentifyinginformation. will Facilitators support. relevant helpful, providing in insight and assistance gain to order in colleagues other with consult may ______and ______group, the of facilitators The There are twoexceptions tothis: without your permission. person other any be revealed to not will and confidential strictly kept be relatedconversationswill and groupsessions during you confidentiality. by involvesrevealed haveInformation support group seeking women rights important most the of One Connections Making Agreement Appendix B: Confidentiality » » » » Participant Name (Please Print) Participant Signature I agree thatIwillkeepmyknowledge confidentialwithoutexception. ofothergroup participants I acknowledge theseexceptionsrule. totheconfidentiality possible childabuseorneglect a womanbeingpotentialdangertoherselforothers; Support Group Confidentiality Agreement Support Contact Information (Optional) Date Appendix C: Making a Support Plan

Making a Support Plan Acknowledging our experiences of violence and its impact on our lives takes strength and is a sign of courage. Sometimes the hard work of sharing experiences can be overwhelming. When this happens, a support plan can help sort out what you can do to feel better. This handout helps you think about the ways you can support yourself through this process. It also helps you think about whom else may be able to support you while you are attending group.

What are some signs that you are feeling overwhelmed, anxious and/or might use substances when you hadn’t planned to?

□□ Racing thoughts? □□ Overwhelming hopelessness or sadness? □□ Overwhelming anger? □□ Feeling restless or agitated? 93 □□ Being preoccupied with thoughts of using? □□ ______□□ ______

Sometimes listening to other women’s experiences can bring up emotions that are difficult and unexpected. This might make some women feel upset, overwhelmed, anxious, like they want to use when they hadn’t planned to, or like they are going into a crisis. What can you do if you feel stressed or unsafe while you are in the group?

□□ Leave the room for a few minutes? (When out of the room it might help to take some deep breaths; think about some positive benefits of healing.) □□ Ask one of the facilitators to talk? □□ Leave for that group session? (Please try to check in with one of the facilitators so we know you will be okay.) □□ Write down (or draw a picture about) your thoughts? □□ ______□□ ______Some women might find it helpful to have a plan for what they are going to do when they leave the group each week, especially if you are worried about feeling like using when you hadn’t planned to, are feeling overwhelmed, or that you are having mental health symptoms. What might you do when you leave the group to help you feel safer?

□□ Always leave the group with a friend? (Some women might want to think about having a “buddy system” for themselves.) MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 94 * □ □ □ □ □ take amomenttothinkaboutwhatyou willtellthemaboutthegroup orwhere you were today. think about whether you are going to tell your partner that you are in a support group. You may want to to it’s important support, get women’s to sabotage efforts to try partners abusive many today. As were Forarewho women involvedstill abusivetheir with interrogatetheymay you partner: whereabout you □ □ □ □ □ □ can setupaplanwithincaseyou are feelingoverwhelmed orinneedofsomeadditionalsupport? you that life your in people thereAre it? need you if support additional get to week the during do you might You might find it helpful to have a plan for what you are going to do during the week in between groups. What □ □ □ □ □ □ Adapted from “Healing Ourselves: Mothers Recovering from Grief andLossin Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside” study. □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ □ Investigators: A.Salmon, D.Badry, D.Rutman, S.Payne, D.Clifford, M. S.Lockhart, Van Bibber ______Think about your own situationanddecidewhatisbestfor you. Tell you your were partner ataclass,bookclub, etc? yoga, orgettingmentalhealthsupport, Talk tooneofthefacilitatorscreate abitof“script” aboutwhere you were orwhatyou were doing? ______Call VictimLink, a24-hour/toll-free andcrisisline:1-800-563-0808 support Make from apeer? aplantogetsupport providerConnect withanotherservice with? you likeandfeelcomfortable Call thefacilitatorwhoisavailable duringtheweek? ______Check outwithagroup facilitator? Take minutestowritedown afew (ordrawapicture about)your thoughts? Make anappointmenttobesomewhere directly afterthegroup isover? Go foracoffee? Appendix D: Weekly Feedback Form

Feedback Form Week ______

1. Overall, how useful did you find the sessions so far? □□Very useful □□Somewhat useful □□Not sure □□Not very useful □□Not useful at all

2. What was the most valuable aspect? 3. How could the sessions have been better for you?

95

4. What are the two things that you will take away with you from the sessions so far? 5. Other comments? MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 96 too much. Keep in mind that holidays are usually very difficult very usually are holidays that mind in Keep much. too group of flow the disrupt to seems weeks two as break, scheduled one-week a have only to best is it experience, our In fine. works scheduled A groups. break for a significant holiday, these such as Christmas or Spring Break, running be will you when around holidays your plan possible, all at If holiday. a taking facilitator to find sixteen weeks in a row that will not be interrupted by either When planning a If theFacilitators Need aBreak on the first night. Also make sure to make up the week at the end. one of the weekly sessions needs to be cancelled, let womencan offer know them thatthis week. If you know before the start of group that possibleandletthem know what support youyourorco-facilitator as notice much as women the give session, a cancel must you If thought you would. consider simplifying the session by covering less material than you also might Youthat. women the tell overwhelmed, bit a feeling are and week one for facilitator lone the as yourself find you If facilitating a for essential arerelationships established and trust since work not do facilitators substitute part, most the away.For be to needs or sick is you of one if facilitator one with ahead go to better is It they are extremely disappointedifgroup iscanceled. week about what they want to share in the session. Women tell us the on count to support they receive at group. come They have perhaps Women been thinking all session. a cancel never to Try If You Have to aSession Cancel any challengesthatcomeup. address to best how out figure to basis case-by-case a on together talk to need will co-facilitator your Youand best. group your in women the and context your know havelearned You facilitators. we other from what on are based suggestions following The problematic: theysimplycomewiththeircomplexneeds. not are women the that clear be to want we solving,”“problem section this called have we Although challenges. without not but Facilitating a forProblem Facilitators Solving Solving for FacilitatorsSolving Appendix E:Problem Making Connections Making Connections Making Connections support group. support support group is very rewarding, support group, do your best comfortable talking about very personal and difficult experiences. two women present, a lot of sharing can happen as women feeljust aremorethereappropriate. Sometimes,seems if this if earlygroup may have with the material up to this point. You may decide to end concernsthey questionsor anyabout talk check-inandlengthy a do can present are who women The individualsupport.good for opportunityanoccasionally, situation asthis aboutthink only can you happening is this Assuming problem. a actually isn’t This or One TwoIf Only Women Show Upfor aGroup need even more duringthesetimesofyear. support groups our Womenin relationships. abusive in women for times her feelmore abletofullyengageinthegroup. help will This up. catch to time another you with meet or group next the to early come can she if see can you material, hasmissed important woman If a different. something offer to trying are we exclusion; and judgment of plenty experienced already have women The chaotic. is life her because likely most several is it miss sessions to needs she if so best, her doing is woman a that them to do their best to be thereweek. every We can then assume perfect attendance is not the goal. We do tell women that we want with high needs. Group tries to meet women where they are at, so children or concerns, health serious have may also They month. to month from living are they where know even not may They lives. their in chaos of lot a have groups Womensupport these in If a Woman MissesaLot ofGroup a facilitator, asyou work torecruit more again. women andstart with support one-on-one for meet could interested still is who woman one the Perhaps, being. time the for group suspend to decide to have may you attending, regularly one woman one no only or to drops group your If address). her help can you that group from woman a keeping something is there (perhaps group missed have who women with in check also Youcan week. each calls phone reminder make and place, first the in group a start to women enough have yousure Make much. too down going from numbers group numbers. the prevent small to best quite their do with should Facilitators even run to continue can Group If theGroup NumbersGoDown If Women Come Very Early to Group or Stay Very Late she can read lips? Does she want you to speak slower when you are speaking to her directly? Ask her what she wants the group to As facilitators, you need to be clear about how much time you know about her particular needs, and how the group can help her have to commit to group. Some women show up as much as one to engage as much as possible. Some women for whom English is hour before the beginning of group. This speaks to how valuable a second language, will listen but not speak a lot. Usually a person’s this support is in women’s lives. In this situation, you may want to comprehension is higher than their ability or comfort to speak the provide a space for women to gather before the facilitators arrive. language. Check in with a woman with special language needs on Perhaps there is a comfortable space where women can wait, have a a regular basis, to make sure all is being done to help her be part cup of coffee and something to eat. This can be a great opportunity of the group. Perhaps you can occasionally have an interpreter to to create community. You always want to allow some time before “catch up” in an individual session. group and after group for women to approach you individually, but it is fine to let women know your time restrictions. It is very If Women Come to Group But Do Not Share common for women to hang around after group. If you need to lock up the building and get going, you can invite women to take Make sure all the participants know that sharing is not a required their conversations outside. Over the years we have witnessed part of group. Being an active listener is a wonderful thing to offer some great support happening in the parking lot after groups. to the other group members. Some of us learn better by simply 97 listening. Some of us learn better by talking out loud to process If a Woman is Really Disruptive our thoughts. If a woman says she is shy or expresses anxiety about speaking in public, we let her know she will never be forced to We are by nature social creatures and we want to fit in and belong speak in group. Focus on how great it is that she is coming to in a group. Keep this in mind when relating with a woman who group and that you are glad to have her there. Different learning seems disruptive to the group process. Remember that she is doing styles are always welcome in group. It is quite rare for a woman the best that she can. Ask her what she needs and what the group to be silent for all sixteen weeks of group. It is common, however, can offer to her. Often when we engage a woman in this way, she for a woman to say at the beginning of group that she will not be will feel calmer because she will felt listened to and cared for. able to share. Before a woman gets to know the facilitators and the other members of group, it may seem too much to share personal Remind yourself and the whole group, if necessary, that Making thoughts and experiences. Most women start to share when they Connections support groups are always as inclusive as possible. feel they can trust the group and they are comfortable with the Women with the most life challenges, also need the most support group dynamics. Remember that for women who are experiencing and understanding. abuse, being cautious about where and when to speak may be a If English is a Second Language for Women or there are safety strategy and strength, not a weakness. Hearing Impaired Women in Group If a Woman Asks About a Resource or Service You Know If a woman doesn’t share the dominant language of the group or Nothing About has a hearing barrier but wants to come to group, encourage her Do you feel able to do a little bit of research for a woman as to to come. In an ideal world, we would have Making Connections what services might be available to her or do you know someone support groups for women in different languages and in ways that who might know the answers to her questions? As a service are fully accessible to women with disabilities, but for now such provider in your community, you want to be acquainted and programs do not always exist. Try to ensure that the woman knows connected to other services and resources as much as possible. Try what the group is about, who will be participating, and whether to have a list of other support services available along with their she has needs that could be met (and that she wants to be met) contact information. There may be an opportunity to facilitate through the group. If she believes the group is right for her, she connecting women with other services or providers that they have should be welcome. At your first meeting with her, find out how not accessed, or have been denied access. best to meet her needs. Does she need the lights bright enough so MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 98 your “addiction” tohimrather thanhismanipulation. problemis the that Withoutthink knowingto cycle,easy the is it partner,again. their for havefeelings try and back go to want and still they but hurtful, is he that know They relationship. their to Women sometimes wonder if they are addicted to their partner or when relationship the of feltsogood.Thisisperhapswhyithardeverything toleave. beginning the to back go thoughts your course of so and away feelings go to vulnerability those and loneliness want of to normal is It vulnerable. and alone very feel may Yourelationship. the of because family or friends your of some lost have you Maybe you. want would else one no that you told has partner your Maybe shattered. feels value of sense your Maybe women. for devastating is relationship abusive An Will itlast?Is hereally concernedaboutme,or himself?” this behaviour looks and sounds good, but ask yourself: “Is it real? course Of change. to promises or apologies with you manipulate to trying is he now even Perhaps man. thoughtful and kind a as way.other beginning the the in run himself presented he Instead, have would you had, he If man. controlling and abusive an was misrepresented He relationship. himself. He did the not tell you at the of start the relationship that he into you manipulate to designed cycle, the of part been only haverelationship, might the It is really painful to consider that who he was at the beginning of There isnothingwrong withthat. want to be treated well—the way he treated you in the beginning. Youtime. that to back go to able be to want and fondness with relationship your of days early the on back look you course, Of one personappeartobebothsoloving andsohurtful? building But by now in your relationship, you have also experienced called are behaviours positive seemingly These you. in interested and considerate, thoughtful, as himself presented he Maybe him. to he showed you a lot of positive qualities. This is what attracted you think about the Cycle of Abuse. When you first to met your partner, helpful is It relationship. abusive their out figure to try they as have women that feelings and thoughts normal the having are partner.your Weyou to think addicted are you think Wenot do when you wanttoseeorcallsomeonewhohasbeensohurtful. confusing be can Itpartner. their to addicted are they if wonder sometimes they Abuse, of Cycle the about learn women Before to #1:Am I Addicted my Reflection Partner? for Women Appendix F: Reflections manipulative kindness and explosion . All this leaves women confused: how can how confused: women leaves this All . orhoneymoonbehaviour. tension

someone you could reach out to for support? Many women have women Many support? for to out reach could you someone there Is lonely? less feel maybe to do you could What yourself. to good be can you ways of think Trybe. to can you as yourself to askind be to atime is This life. in your time difficult a is This to feelbetter. you willstart support, right now. With sometime, space andgood always feelasemotionallyraw asyou do and rebuild from this abuse. You willnot onyourimpact life. takes It timeto recover confused. Hisabusehashadadevastating and building andexplosionleaves you hurt pattern ofmanipulative kindness, tension outtheCycle acting been ofAbuse. This your partner. We has thinkyour partner We donotthinkyou are to addicted ______being “drawn backin” by hismanipulative kindness? or lonely feeling are you when use might you strategies some are relationship?What the into back you pulls partner your how and Can you describe how you feel in the manipulative kindness phase onReflections “Addiction” the nexttimeyou find yourself beingpulledbackin. you help might this do to plan a Having instead. friend a phone they ex, or partner their calling like feel they when that us told Reflection #2: Am I Abusive Too?

Sometimes women wonder and worry about whether they are As we explore motives with women, it becomes clear that most abusive, like their partner. Maybe you have fought back, yelled at or women we work with are not interested in dominating or hit your partner. Abusive men, family members, the police or other controlling their partners. Their actions are in response to being “helping professionals” sometimes tell women they are also abusive. silenced, controlled and humiliated. The idea that it “takes two to tango” and that relationships are 50/50 Women may also behave in ways that seem to be an explosion, in is a predominant one in our culture. When considering whether you an attempt to end the tension-building phase. You may, or may not, are abusive, it is important to ask yourself a few questions about the be aware of doing this yourself. If your partner has been increasing situation, and the intentions behind your behaviour. the tension for days or is building it to a level that you can no longer The first thing to consider is what has happened over timein tolerate, you may do something to break it and move into the your relationship. Ask yourself what your partner was doing inevitable explosion phase. Often women will choose to stand up for before you behaved in a way that you thought might be abusive. themselves, or yell. Perhaps a woman will do it when the kids are at Was he verbally attacking you? Was he stopping you from doing school. Some women also say that they choose to do so while they something? Was he harassing you? Most of the time, women report are drinking or using, so the physical abuse doesn’t hurt as much. to us that their seemingly abusive behaviour happens in the midst Lastly, consider the role of fear in your relationship. Are you afraid of a lot of different types of abuse from their partner. of your partner’s reactions? Most women will say that they are 99 A woman yells and smashes a dish on the floor after her partner afraid of their partner. However, usually in the same relationship has been berating her for hours. Her partner latches on to her “bad where the male partner is abusive, he is not afraid of his partner. behaviour,” calling her “crazy” and “abusive” while dismissing or Although you may have behaved in ways that feel uncomfortable rationalizing his treatment of her. The abusive partner may also say to you, it is important to remember that your partner is in control that their behaviours are the same, but they are not: the woman’s of the cycle. No matter what you do, your partner will find a behaviour is not equal in severity or impact, to the partner’s reason to be abusive. He will try to use your behaviour to justify behaviour. She is reacting to his abuse. his explosion, but it does not. He will try to compare your “bad” The second thing to consider is your motive. What is your motive behaviour to his abusive behaviour, but they are not equal. Your when you do things that you think might be abusive? Are you motives are not the same. He is trying to regain control and is trying to dominate your partner, control him, or get your own way using abusive tactics to do that. You are attempting to protect the even if it hurts him? Or, is your motive self-protection? Are you physical and emotional wellbeing of yourself and your children. just trying to protect yourself physically and emotionally? Perhaps, You may also be attempting to be heard, or to have some say in you just want to be heard and respected? your relationship. Reflections on Who is Abusive in My Relationship? Who is initiating the abuse? Does my partner control his actions because Additional thoughts: o Me o My partner he worries that I will hurt him? o Yes o No o I don’t know ______Who is responding to the abuse? o Me o My partner Do I control my actions because I worry ______that he will hurt me? Who is trying to have power and control? ______o Yes o No o I don’t know o Me o My partner ______What are my intentions when I am arguing Who is defending themselves? ______o Me o My partner with my partner? Do I want… ______control? Am I afraid of my partner? □□ to be heard? ______o Yes o No o I don’t know □□ □□respect? ______Is my partner afraid of me? □□power? ______o Yes o No o I don’t know □□to defend myself? ______MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 100 bsv mn il o rset budr o a limit. is theissue. a or boundary a yourissue; partner’sthe arenot boundaries abusivebehaviour respect not will men Abusive would be“for thegoodofchildren.” it that or reasonable,” “be to partner their with communicate to the wall by having them try to convince the women that they have down break to others recruit may They through. way their coerce get to can they protection.throughof threaten, will wall this They or manipulate everything do often will ex-partners abusive However,person. in ex-partners their meet to refusing or phone, the on ex-partners their to talk to refusing locks, changing house, different a to moving by children their and themselves around protection of wall a build to try may they relationship, abusive an leave women After separated. are you if even boundaries up an with living are set to difficult extremely you be can but possible partner.is Itabusive if boundaries have to impossible is It threatening situation. very a in safety your for out looking are you partner’sdemands, your abusive man. It might also be dangerous. an When “no”youto accommodate say to scary very be can It limit? that respect he Did reaction? his was What actions. his on limit some set to tried or “no”said you partner when your time to a recallPerhaps can you and control. boundaries. Abusive men see boundaries as a threat to their power have to woman that for unsafe is it woman’sabusive, a is partner If boundaries. good have not do they that others service and providers by told often are abuse experienced have who Women #3:Is theProblem MyReflections “Poor Boundaries”? Your ______give you thesafetyandfreedom tomakechoicesforyourself? and you to listen partner your Does respect? with treated get you Do children: your or yourself for up stand you if happens What onReflections “EstablishingBoundaries” ______Describe whathappensifyou say“no” toyour partner? ______Reflections #4: Is the Problem My Low Self-Esteem?

Some women have been told that if they “work” on their self- but ultimately he took advantage of the negative ideas that you had esteem, their relationship will improve. If your partner is abusive, about yourself. They became fuel for his abuse. this is not the case. It is extremely difficult to hold onto a positive Sometimes, helping professionals may suggest that women with image of yourself while you are with an abusive partner. “poor self-esteem” take an assertiveness training course. We think Sometimes women who are abused by their partners wonder if this is dangerous advice. Your partner is not abusive because you the problem is low self-esteem. A woman may wonder if this is lack assertiveness. An abusive partner sees any effort to assert why she has “put up with abuse” for so long; she does not think yourself as a challenge to his power and control, and could become she deserves better. No one, independently, develops a solid sense more abusive. You are cautious and accommodating to your of self. Humans are, by nature, social beings. All of us have our partner because he is dangerous, and you are doing your best to self-image shaped by the people around us, especially those we are keep safe. When women are told that the “problem” is their “poor close to. People in our lives act as mirrors, reflecting information self-esteem” or “lack of assertiveness,” the focus is on blaming back to us. The problem is, if you are with an abusive partner, you women and expecting women to change instead of on the real have had one huge mirror dominating your life—your partner— problem—their partner’s abuse. and that mirror is sending back false information to you. Your It is hard to trust yourself and disagree with a professional, but partner is like one of those distorted mirrors you might find at a women know if it is safe to try some of the suggestions providers circus. Those mirrors are designed to distort reality. They distort give them. The best way of deciding if suggestions are worth your image so much that you can hardly recognize yourself. He 101 trying, is to figure out whether the provider is thinking about how says things like you are “lazy,” “stupid” or a “bad mother.” These to change something in you, or how to increase your safety. If they things are not true. are trying to change you, they might not really understand your Abusive men want to dominate a woman’s life and push out other experiences of abuse and how important it is that you keep your people in your life: your partner has perhaps discouraged your focus on your safety. friendships with people who might reflect a more positive and more accurate picture back to you. Reflections on “Self-Esteem” You can see your problem is not “poor self-esteem.” You may not How did you feel about yourself when you entered into your feel like you have much self-worth, but this is the result of how your relationship? partner has treated you and manipulated your idea of yourself, not because of an inherent weakness or problem that you have. ______

Over the years, women have shown us that once they get some ______positive support and/or get some distance from their partner’s ______control, they start to feel better about themselves. They finally ______have the freedom to invite people into their lives who will tell ______them about their strengths and positive qualities, people who will reflect back to women an accurate picture of themselves. A ______women’s support group is a great place for this part of the healing How has your partner changed how you feel about yourself? process to begin. The facilitators and other group participants help women see themselves in a more accurate way. ______Some women say that they entered their relationship with a poor ______sense of self. If you have had negative experiences previously in your ______life, you might have a difficult time seeing your good qualities. This is not a reason or an explanation for abuse. A loving, respectful ______partner helps us to see the best in ourselves and is protective and ______kind about our vulnerabilities. Your partner likely presented himself ______as a kind and affirming person in the beginning of your relationship MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 102 TraumaticStress Postit call yourself, andforPTSDrename tohelpful be mightIt women usetokeepthemselves safe. responses these call experts are just Womennot fear, or trauma threats. current with dealing or harm to responses helpful, often and, of women with abusive current or ex-partners, these are reasonable nightmares or flashbacks after a traumatic event. In fact, in the case alert.” It is normal to be more cautious, on guard, or to experience guard,”on “be careful,”“be “be saying brain your are they harm: further from safe you keep to trying of brain’sway the also are They events. traumatic during occur that sensations stressful the human arenatural totrauma responses. the with deal These to areresponses how try brains our have people that reactions The isnotalwaysaccurate. abuse by apartner reasons, the use of PTSD to describe women who have experienced Forthese separation. after months and weeks the be can women for time threaten dangerous most the fact, and In left. have they after harass women stalk, to continue often partners Abusive intimidation. and abuse, violence, of forms other and injury for risk great at be to continue women separation, Evenafter fearful. be to reason legitimate a have and danger in be still may partner jeopardy,in abusivelonger an no with is dealing accident women car a after rescued is who someone While time. of period long a over sometimes events, frightening many but event, traumatic one suffered just not have partner abusive an with livedhave who is a bad car accident, which is one single traumatic event. Women PTSD to lead may that event traumatic a of example common A where there maybecurrent, ongoingharmand/orthreats. relationships abusive like situations recognize doesn’tnecessarily symptoms or reactions are happening after the traumatic event and word anxiety.The heightened and nightmares, flashbacks, including fear, this with leads to various physical and mental responses while trying to cope exists still when in danger fact the danger has that passed and the person and is now safe. ongoing This is trauma the like behaves danger.in them putting person’sis The event this mind and body event in the past (at least one month ago) still responds as though traumatic a experienced has who person a that is PTSD behind idea The situations. traumatic multiple, or one, experienced has person a when occur may PTSD PTSD. understand you how on (PTSD). You may, or may not, have found this helpful, depending DisorderPostTraumatic Stress experiencing are you that you to Perhaps a health care professional or support person has suggested (PTSD)? Disorder Stress Suffering #5: Am IfromReflections Post Traumatic Response “Post” or in PTSD speaks to the idea that these that idea the to speaks PTSD in survival-basedfearreactions uvvlbsd er reactions fear survival-based 27 past trauma. Some trauma. , instead, of that control your partner has over you—they may even be unsafe for unsafe be even may you—they over has partner your control the and with live to continue you fear legitimate the recognize not may techniques and therapies These situation. your improve to behaviour your change you suggest may PTSD treat to used keep you safe. Some intensive therapies and counselling techniques to mind’s and trying body of your way are reactions these unsafe, If you are still with your partner, or if he continues to make you feel done to you. This is just another impact of the abuse. and exhausted. These are normal responses to what your partner has abuse. This abuse has left you feeling overwhelmed, afraid, confused labela thatdescribes thathelpswaydescribea as it fear survival-based having or reactions.Ifyou think that youare, itmight behelpful response tothink of stress traumatic post Post Traumatic Stress ______unhelpful is Response) (or Disorder Stress Post Traumatic of concept The ______helpful is Response) (or Disorder Stress Post Traumatic of concept The Disorder on Reflections Post TraumaticStress talk aboutyour experiencesofabuseanditsimpacts. your situation may be helpful as it can give you an opportunity to of complexity the understands that someone from Support you. to mebecause… to mebecause… whatwrongis withyou Disorder . You may or may not be experiencing what has happenedwhathasyou to .You have experienced , instead,of Reflections #6: Am I Codependent? The term “codependent” has its origin in the Alcoholics The term codependent suggests that something is wrong with you Anonymous (A.A.) movement. The concept of codependency was and that you need to change. first applied to couples in which a partner had an alcohol or drug If a woman is told she is codependent, this puts the focus on problem. The other partner, the ‘codependent one’, works hard to her behaviour and leaves her working hard (once again) to try to try to “fix” the problem. The term has also been used for people improve things in the relationship. This does nothing to promote in relationships with individuals with chronic mental health your safety and well being. The problem is your partner’s abuse. concerns. Today, however, the term codependency is broadly used You are not to blame and you do not need to change. Furthermore, to describe any ‘dysfunctional’ family or partnership. The term is there is nothing you can do to change him. sometimes used to define women in abusive relationships. It is important to note that the word “codependent” is not a Reflections on “Codependency” medical term. It is simply a label that some people have come to use to describe what they see in the behaviour of those who live How can you reframe the idea of “codependency” to a safety with addicts. What is it they see? Codependency, as defined by strategy, or impact of abuse? Codependence Anonymous, is: 103 ______…a tendency to behave in overly passive or ______excessively caretaking ways....It also often involves putting one’s needs at a lower ______priority than others while being excessively ______preoccupied with the needs of others…. ______Codependency may also be characterized by denial, low self-esteem, excessive How has your partner’s abuse forced you to be more attentive to compliance and/or control patterns.67 his needs or reactions? If your partner is abusive, this is going to have a hugely negative ______impact on your life. You are going to have to pay a great deal of attention to his needs and demands in order to keep you and your ______children as safe as possible. You will have to put your needs at a ______lower priority than his if you are to try to avoid explosions. We ______believe that what some people describe as codependent behaviour ______can be better understood as the impact of living with an abusive person. How has your partner’s abuse forced you to ignore or minimize your own needs? The A.A. movement encourages people to emotionally “detach” from the addict’s behavior, but this assumes a number of things. It ______assumes that that you have choices you may not actually have and that “detaching” is an option. If you try to detach, your partner ______may become angrier and more abusive. It may not be safe to ______“detach.” ______MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 104 a waythathonourstheirspirituality. beliefs. Indigenous people often want to approach their healing in community. As well, you may want to draw on your own spiritual religious your or partner your from you have abuse if spiritual true experienced be especially may This healing. to barrier a is take to God worked about language any some, have for but language, male groups this away Some God. male a to reference andmakes context aChristian in developed first also was A.A. encouraged andaffirmed,notdegradeddevalued further. be to need oppression or abuse of experiences have Womenwho does not fit approach the needs of this most women who But have experienced abuse. with. worked Wilson that men middle-class upper- white, the for worked Generally,this do. to Steps 12 the created he what of part is which men, these “overblownof egos” the deflate to need the saw Wilson influence. and power of men men, white privileged were with worked Wilson clients first The you. describe not does likely it partner, your describe violent. may definition and controlling resentful, arrogant, egocentric, as alcoholics described He men. mostly of group this the “Big Book”, based his definition of an alcoholic personality on working with 100 white men and one woman. Wilson, who wrote 1935. Wilson and Smith based the 12 Steps on their experience of Smith,in Robert and BillWilson men, two by started was which (A.A.), Anonymous Alcoholics in origin their have Steps 12 The » » » » » » » » with experiences ofabusemayinclude: women for model Step 12 the by posed challenges Some #7: WhyReflections Don’tSteps the12 Work for Me? » » » » » » » » relapse. Support fallsawayduringperiodsofsubstanceuseor “Higher Power” and“God” are oftenusedinterchangeably. Groups are white,male,andheterosexual dominated. isdirective.The toneofsupport The modelisprescriptive andgeneric. issituatedoutsideofthewoman. Expertise ultimate goal. Abstinence andalcoholisunderstoodasthe from all drugs unwanted substanceuse. It requires buy-intotheideathatyou are powerless over 74 75 lhuh this Although prescription medications, you are doing a very courageous thing. courageous very a doing are you medications, prescription or alcohol, drugs, street of use your reduce to seeking are you If of use women’ssubstances inthewidercontextoftheirlives. at looks She strategy. survival and coping a as substances using start often women that identifies She mind. in experiences their and women with developed were Steps 16 The in outlined are that book Kasl’s Steps Charlotte 16 the found have women Some is forwomenonly. for you. Some women have found it preferable to find a group that being in a mixed group with both men and women does not work Perhapsmeetings. A.A. dominate often to seem men that way the strengths but with discomfort expressedhave women Many limitations. its hasalso its It ofrecovery. one model is Steps 12 The ______The 12 Steps were not ______The 12 Steps were o Have you triedthe12Steps? Steps onthe12 Reflections life, and that especially recognizes the impacts of abuse in your life. your in challenges the of all recognizes that support You deserve Yes o No o useful Idon’t know useful ay od, n Journey One Roads, Many tomebecause… tomebecause… ey helpful. very Reflection #8: Recognizing Helpful Support

“…they gave me my counsellor….And I how to increase your safety and well-being. If they are asking you love her. She’s been my rock for two years… to makes changes in yourself, they might not really understand they gave me a counsellor that I trusted and your experiences of abuse and how important it is that you keep connected with and [who knew] every little your focus on your safety. They may not understand that your detail about my life. They have given me choices and freedom to make changes are extremely limited. Some that one person.” women describe being given advice that would have put them at risk in their relationship. Some women who have chosen not to - Lenora follow the counsellor’s advice, have lost the support of the service Many women who have experienced abuse have sought help provider. through a variety of counsellors and other helping professionals. Helpful counselling or support encourages you to hear your own Sometimes counselling or other support is helpful, and sometimes voice and your own wisdom more clearly. Hopefully you come it is not. Counselling or advice from others can be dangerous away from a counseling session or other appointments feeling if it disconnects you from your voice, your wisdom and your listened to, affirmed and clearer about the negative impacts your experience. partner’s abuse is having on you. If you come away more confused, For women who are currently in an abusive situation, helpful doubting yourself or feeling weighed down, you may question 105 counselling or support has your physical and emotional safety whether this counsellor is right for you. as its main priority. It is hard to trust yourself and disagree with It may be helpful to know that some service provider are not a professional, but remember that you are the expert on your generally trained about the dynamics and realities of abuse. own safety and life. The best way to decide if a service provider’s Contact your local transition house or women’s centre to find a suggestions are worth trying is to determine whether the service counsellor who has specific training in woman abuse. provider is thinking about how to change something in you, or

What qualities are you looking for in a service provider or What is NOT helpful for you in a service provider or support person? support person?

______MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 106 they try to make a better life for themselves and their children their and themselves for life better a make to try they steps.”Rather, once. at all “baby life their in bytaking everything change Womenrarely forward way their find women Many realities formostwomenwhentheyleave abusive partners. financial stressed the given overwhelming, be can family your for the future would look like and how you would financially provide what about Thinking children? the about What money? enough have you will How live? you will where separate, you If through. For most women, there are also many concerns and issues to think it willlast. kindness/ honeymoon phase, you want to hope for the best—that this time, manipulative the of behaviour positive more the see you When manageable. seem might things and phase kindness manipulativeAdditionally, the in be may partner your sometimes mental energytostepbackandlookatthebiggerpicture. the have to hard very is day.It the through get to trying just your on (and focusing yourself be may You keep safe. physically to and emotionally trying children) to goes likely energy and too probably is situation Mosttime. the all about overwhelmingthink to yourof attention your However, denial. in being of accused get sometimes men abusive with living are Womenwho #9:Am IinDenial? Reflection ______your children?taking tosupport you are steps small What well-being? physical and mental own your support to taking are you that steps small some are What onReflections “Denial” small—that you are doingforyourself oryour children. very are they if things—even positive the about good feel Tryto deserve. Trust that you are coping and managing the best you can. and need you that understanding and support the for looking are You forward. step positive a is that abuse, experienced have who women for group support a areyouin If time. a at step small one ______Reflection #10: Why Do I Still Feel Scared If He Isn’t Hitting Me Anymore?

Sometimes women report that their partners have stopped some of the more obvious forms of abuse, like physical abuse, but the women find that they still feel fearful and distrustful. Sometimes the abusive partner faces negative consequences from society for acts of physical abuse. He may then stop physically attacking his partner but instead increase his verbal attacks, or become more Reflections on Why You Still Feel Scared financially controlling, as there are usually few negative social consequences for these types of abusive behaviours. What are some of the physically abusive tactics that your partner is still using to maintain control in your relationship? Remember: abuse is about wanting to maintain power and control. Your partner is still seeking to have power and control ______over you even if he is not using physical abuse to achieve this goal. ______This is probably one of the reasons you are feeling so scared: he is still controlling you, he is just using different tactics to do it. ______Perhaps, because you are not being physically abused, you feel ______(or your partner wants you to feel) like you should be happy and ______107 grateful. Remember that physical abuse is only one form of abuse. Look at the Power and Control Wheel: it names many abusive ______tactics, and it might help you identify what other types of abuse ______you are experiencing. ______As you try to make sense of how you are feeling, consider the role What are some of the non-physically abusive tactics that your of trust in your relationship. If a relationship is going to work, partner is still using to maintain control in your relationship? there has to be a high level of trust. Abuse destroys trust. Violence, even if it only happens once, it can make trust impossible. ______The person who was supposed to love and protect you has ______profoundly hurt you and broken your trust. Of course you feel ______awful. If your partner is not working towards change, then you may continue to experience abuse in your relationship. If your ______partner is genuinely working to change, it will take time and a ______lot of work on his part to rebuild trust. You are not going to feel ______okay about the relationship until after he has done this hard work ______and shown you that he is a safe person all of the time and in all circumstances. ______MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 108 to makechangepossible?“ needed is what do to willing partner my “Is rather but possible?” behaviour over the long haul. The question is not really “Is change his change truly to others to accountable himself make to needs He had. have actions his impact negative profoundly the see to willing be and actions his for responsibility full take to to willing be has He years. even months, many over work hard the do to willing be to has and change to want really to has man abusive Humangivepowernot their do up beings easily.privilege and privilege. An and power of position a in stand to is Deserving and and requires harddifficult work. very is it Central, be To Superior possible, is change while that clear becomes it system, belief their into are men abusive entrenched deeply how consider we When different from your motives andintentionsin regards tohim. very are you, to comes it when intentions, and motives his consider that to painful very is It Deserving. and Superior Central, be to seeking is he Mutual, and Equal, Connected, be to seeking are you while Perhaps relationship. your to comes it when goals You have begun to consider if you and your partner have the same By now, you have looked at the two belief systems in so thequestioncomes:“Is changepossibleformypartner?” strong, very is change lasting real, see to desire The women. other will partner their hurt not will hope he that so or children, their of sake the change—for still they relationship, the on up give women when Evenhelp. will it think they if anything about just Women often want their relationships to last and are willing to do have covered thematerialinModule 7. Note: This article should not be given to women until you Change #11: Is Possible Reflection for my Partner? Module Seven . ______Are there isnotchanging? signsthatyour partner Arechange? to therewilling and capable is yourthat signs partner Change on Reflections Your Partner’s Capacity for may beofinterest. book this further, this exploring in interested are you If change. the belief system of abusers, and what is needed for genuine lasting is written to of the abusivepartners men to help them understand Men Controlling and Angry of Minds the Inside That? Do He Does book His years. 15 over for men abusive with working of Lundy Bancroft is an author who has written about his experience ______Why

Reflection #12: Why Do I Still Love Him?

Women often struggle with their feelings of love for their partner. keep a journal, be sure to keep it well hidden from your partner. If Perhaps others have suggested that you are “crazy” for still loving there is no safe place to hide it, journaling is probably not a good your partner. When you first met your partner, he demonstrated idea for now.) a lot of positive behaviour and it was this depiction of himself The fact that you are a loving person is not a shortcoming in you. that you fell in love with. You have now seen him do very hurtful But maybe your partner is not worthy of your kind and open and self-centred things but you still remember the person you heart, and maybe you want to begin to shift your love, care and first thought he was. On top of this, the more positive looking concern away from him and towards people who deserve it. One behaviours keep coming back around. This has to do with the person who certainly deserves your love, care and concern, is you! Cycle of Abuse—Manipulative Kindness, Tension, Explosion. He first presented you with manipulative kindness and he returns, at times, to that more positive looking behaviour. If all you ever saw Reflections on Why You Still Love Him from him was explosion, it would probably be easier to stop loving What first attracted you to your partner? What are the some of him but the manuipaultive kindness sparks hope in you—that is the ways your partner ‘manipulates you by his kindness’ to draw the intention of this behaviour. you back into the relationship? Also, women have taught us that love is not an emotion that can 109 easily be turned off. If you have been in relationship for a long ______time with your partner and have loved him for many years, you ______will not likely lose those emotions over night. ______If you know your relationship needs to end and you want to be ______able to let go of your feelings of love, keeping a journal might help. ______Sometimes seeing the negative things in black and white helps ______women see just how devastating the abuse can be. Some women have reported that when they feel they are being ‘manipulated by ______his kindness’ they look back over their journal and that helps them ______to see things more clearly. For many women, journals have helped them to see that the “bad” greatly outweighs the “good.” (If you MAKING CONNECTIONS: Supporting Women with Experiences of Violence, Substance Use and/or Mental Health Concerns 110 17. 16. 15. 14. 13. 12. 11. 10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. References

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“I found it really supportive. Like you “But that was so exciting to come here have all of these horrible things that and meet all these beautiful women happen to you during the week but that have had these same experiences. then you have this group of wonderful We think no one else in the world women that you can come and share it would live like this. But… for me it with and they all support you and they does take away that crazy-making, all really care. It’s a really nice feeling.” like I’m insane? Did this really happen? – Making Connections participant And it’s very valuable.” – Making Connections participant

“This group is about cultivating acceptance for the women and explaining why they responded the way they did – it’s not just about the women, it’s about institutions, societal norms and other factors.” – Making Connections facilitator

About the Woman Abuse Response Program, BC Women’s Hospital & Health Centre

Since 1997, the provincial outreach program has supported communities across BC to improve health services for women impacted by abuse and to develop integrated and coordinated multi-sectoral responses between health, mental health, addictions, justice, social and community services. The Woman Abuse Response Program is recognized as the provincial training program in violence against women for the health care sector. We provide education and training to health care providers and others working with women who may be impacted by abuse. Other program activities include research; consultation; program development and the development of resource materials related to practices, policies and guidelines to respond to the health and social impacts of violence against women. http://www.bcwomens.ca/Services/HealthServices/WomanAbuseResponse