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Jeffrey “The Beast” Halsey Full Name: Jeffrey Xavier Reginald Alexander Mary Merrick Halsey Nicknames: The Beast, Wildebeast, Wilde, Wild Thing, Admiral, Sweet Thing, Bells, Fat Git, Shiek of Tweek, Old Fart, Fat Guts, Fugly, Elephant Man. Age: The average of his waist size (46 inches) and his 2001/02 Bowling average (34) namely 40. Place of Birth: Hellfire Pass, Kanchanaburi, Burma - The result of a steamy liaison between Reggie Kray and Myra Hindley whilst both were on Good Behaviour Leave from Brixton Prison. Jeff was then raised by a travelling freak show where he was made to wear a canvas sack over his head and utter the chilling words: "I am not an elephant, I think" Occupation: Currently attends the ATO where it is considered more cost effective (and safer for all Victorians) to have him turn up daily than wander the streets of Cranbourne wearing Ug Boots, tattered jeans and his beloved Hawaiian shirt, and reciting lines from Beauty and The Beast. The Early Years: Migrating to Australia at the request of the recently deceased Queen mother, Jeff’s early years were generally uneventful, but we do know he did enjoy his kerosene baths, burning himself with discarded cigarettes, conducting biological experiments on the family dog and playing cricket. As well as an outstanding soccer player for Hampton Park United, he was also a budding method actor at NIDA where he appeared in "The Ten Commandments” as a very large sand dune. His acting days came to an abrupt halt when attending Turana Correction Centre, as he unexplainably failed to win the cherished part of Belle in Beauty and The Beast. And there was also the flashing incident at Sunny Days Retirement Centre, but that’s another story. Interests: Self-mutilation, disco dancing, erotica, cans of VB, fine wine, free food, fast women, slow women, skinny women, fat women……….any women, in fact. Favourite TV Shows: Discovery Channel, Beauty & The Beast, Animal Magic, Home & Away, The Fat. Favourite Movies: Silence of the Lambs, The Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Elephant Man, Favourite Music: The Number of the Beast, Wild Thing, The Lion Sleeps Tonight, Bungle In The Jungle, Fat Man, Erotica, Orgasm Addict, Friggin' In The Riggin', Meat Is Murder, YMCA, Lip Up Fatty, Love Is A Battlefield. Favourite Books: Animal Farm, The Beast From The East, Born Free, My Family & Other Animals, The Beast Must Die, The Beast In The Bathtub, Lambs to the Slaughter. Favourite Foods: Anything, as long as it is free, not fat-free and assists in keeping his pants up. Favourite Drinks: Anything as long as it's alcoholic, free, not fat-free and / or healthy. Favourite cricket moment: Being struck in the groin by a fast rearing delivery by Robbie Walton who, in his follow through, kicked him severely and repeatedly about the head and rib area before dropping a shooter and spitting on him, then apologising because he thought it was Bruce Mullen. Worst cricket moment: Realising that SMCC were nine out and trailing by 3 runs in above match and that the Umpire had called ‘over’ and Bruce would hit winning runs off Richard Hammond and cover himself in glory, get a ‘not out’ and win DDCA Batting Average again. Admired sportsperson/s: WG Grace, Bruce Mullen, Qasim Omar, OJ Simpson, Mike Tyson, Robbie Waterhouse, Jarmila Kratochvilova, Arsene Wenger, Don King, Hansie Cronje. Admired person/s: Josef Mengele, Che Guvera, Chopper Reed, Hannibal Lecter, Lon Chaney, Mohammad Atta, Margaret Thatcher, Meg Ryan, Jack The Ripper, Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Peter Sutcliffe, Fred West, Queen Elizabeth II, Ted Bundy. Life's ambitions: To play cricket for St.Mary’s until he’s 100!! Advice to young cricketers: Always train hard, never argue with your captain, don't do fielding drills, always accept the umpires decision and before a game make sure you're in bed early, sober and drug free. But after the game… well, that’s another story. Summary: Jeff is an ornament to the game and in more recent seasons an ornament on the field (he just stands there), but he does take up space!!! Jeff arrived at SMCC some 7 years ago as an opening batsman looking for a little loving and respect. He has not found any but he has managed to work his way down the batting order to be firmly entrenched at No.11 where his running between the wickets is now the only feature of his batting. As a bowler, there have been none better for the equivalent weight and age. Off the field his demeanour is exemplary, usually drinking himself into a stupor on beer, lemonade and camel, no-filter cigarettes, but not once does he complain, burp or vomit. Jeff is living testament to his life motto of ” There’s No Pain without Pain ” .
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