Adopted children and their Views from three generations

The study David Pitcher explores how the of adopters The study comprised two elements: respond to the role of adoptive and an initial quantitative study that was describes adoptive life from the perspective of designed to map out patterns within three generations. The research involved both a quantita- adoptive in one geographical tive study (n = 236) and a qualitative study of six white area and a more detailed qualitative British families, in which grandparents, parents and - study of six adoptive families, in which ren were interviewed. The study concludes that grand- the views of all three generations were parents are significant, not primarily for practical support sought. In this way, a picture could be but in their symbolic function. It is proposed that the constructed that had both breadth and concept of grandparents being ‘fun’ that has developed depth. in contemporary British culture enables them to represent approval and acceptance. For parents, they are signifi- The quantitative research cant as ‘approving witnesses’ to this new family. The In the quantitative ‘mapping’ study, account concludes by suggesting how the three- all the people who were approved as generational perspective described can contribute to the adopters by three agencies in assessment and support of adoptive families. Further southwest England (covering Devon, studies could test whether this pattern can be seen in Plymouth and Torbay) over a four-year other cultural contexts or family types. period (January 2000–December 2003) were identified. This involved 241 families. A four-page questionnaire was Introduction sent to each of their assessing social David Pitcher is a When a child enters a family by adop- workers asking them to rate the level of Senior Practitioner tion, what might be the response of his involvement by each of the four grand- in a Looked After or her ‘new’ grandparents? This is a parents, also recording those who were Children’s Team in Plymouth, Devon, question of great relevance to adopters deceased (236 responses were received). and Honorary Social and to those working with them. In the Social workers were also invited to Work Adviser to the literature, however, the concepts of comment on the relationships, which Grandparents’ adoption and ‘’ often appear as were analysed statistically. The positive Association, UK alternatives, with kinship and grand- response rate to the questionnaire can be Key words: parenthood implying blood relationship. explained by the fact that, although a grandparents, Grandparents’ pride in the achievements large number of families were included, adoption, generations, of their grandchildren, and in the it involved only 27 workers, in three adoption support success of their own children as parents, adoption teams. These teams had stable is thought to be bound up with the staff groups with an interest in research. genetic link which the grandparents see In addition, I was able to make personal being continued (Erikson, 1994). links with them, thus encouraging a This article explores the relationship better response than would be achieved between children and their grandparents from a ‘cold’ request. in a situation in which this genetic link is not present: adoptive families. It The qualitative research looks at adoption from the perspective The qualitative study began with three of each of the three generations involved families: a pilot family, followed by two – grandparents, parents and children – representing the two main types of on the basis that it is difficult to under- adoption we see as an agency – a child stand the dynamics of adoption without with no identified problems who was a multi-generational perspective. placed as a young baby and an older child who had experienced and

56 ADOPTION & FOSTERING VOLUME 33 NUMBER 1 2009 prior to coming into care. Three child is invited to describe what is further families were then sought using happening and what happens next; this theoretical sampling (Strauss, 1987). helps the therapist or researcher to According to this approach, the resear- understand that child’s perception of cher seeks participants in order to social relationships (Hodges et al, explore differences or similarities to 2003). (An example, The Broken Vase, is previous respondents, on the basis of shown in Picture 2.) In addition, each ideas that are beginning to emerge from child was invited to draw a picture of the study itself. This enables as com- themselves with one or more of their plete a picture as possible to be built up. grandparents (see Picture 1). The story The six families were therefore different stem and the picture were designed to in several ways. In some, intergenera- gather as much of the child’s perspective tional relationships were warm, whereas as possible. in others they were distant and marked All the interviews were transcribed by conflict. Their reasons for adopting and analysed using two different were also different, with three families methods. The first was Interpretative being completely childless, one having a Phenomenological Analysis (Smith et al, birth child by both parents, and two 1986). This enabled me to gain a having a birth child by one. One family systematic account of what each partici- had been foster parents who then adop- pant was telling me. The interviews ted the children in their care. In terms of were then reanalysed using Wendy similarities, all six were couples who Hollway and Tony Jefferson’s ‘Defended had originally planned for a birth child. Subject’ approach (Hollway and The children interviewed were aged Jefferson, 2000). This psychoanalytic- 6–12 and had been in placement for at ally informed approach seeks to look least two years. This age group was not just at what is said, but also at what chosen to enable me to interview the the respondent avoids saying. By obser- children in a meaningful way; the two- ving broken speech, inconsistencies, year period meant that the family could metaphor, tone and other non-verbal look back at developments now that the communication, including the way in placement was more established. which the interviewer is affected Although the children’s actual experi- (counter-transference), the researcher ences varied, all had been placed for uncovers areas of that become adoption because of abuse or neglect. important data. Thus, it was possible to The aim was to interview all the grand- gather a deep and detailed picture of parents (where relevant, as couples), all each family, and then draw comparisons the parents and all the children. Unfor- across the generations and across the tunately, in two families grandparents families. could not be interviewed, due either to All the adopters and adopted children their ill health or to family estrange- were of white British ethnicity; this ment, and in one case it was inappro- reflected the demography of the area, as priate to interview the child. In these revealed from the ‘mapping study’. cases, it was only possible to infer their perspective from the comments of other The findings family members. In total, this produced 21 interviews, with 32 participants. Findings from the quantitative The interviews were semi-structured. research After the children had talked about their From the quantitative study of 236 family life, I introduced four ‘story adoptive families, it emerged that most stems’, which I had designed from a of the grandparents were still living. In close reading of the grandparenting, 47 per cent of cases, all four grand- adoption and attachment literature. A parents were still alive and, in a further ‘story stem’ is an incomplete story 29 per cent, only one was deceased. which contains an implied dilemma. The Eighty-five per cent of ’

ADOPTION & FOSTERING VOLUME 33 NUMBER 1 2009 57 mothers were alive and only three per quick to explain that this was to protect cent of cases featured no living grand- their parents from disappointment . The assessing social workers should things not work out. However, it often judged the grandparents to be was also clear that a powerful motive ‘close’ to the adoptive parents; this was was adopters’ anxiety about whether particularly marked in the case of the their own parents would approve. Event- mothers of adoptive mothers, where 65 ually, the adoptive parents would realise per cent were rated as ‘close’ or ‘very that ‘zero hour’ had come and that they close’. For ’ fathers, the figure had to plan how to tell them. According was 34 per cent. In 82 per cent of to the grandparents, this delay meant families, at least one grandparent was that they did not have long to get used rated as ‘close’ or ‘very close’. In ten to the idea and ask questions (although per cent, there was no grandparent with they did not always feel able to ask, for a significant relationship with the fear that it might be interpreted as lack family. Thus, an adopted child is likely of support for the idea of adoption). to have several grandparents available to Then, before they knew it, they were him or her on joining the new family, expected to welcome a real child. In the many of whom are likely to be close to other families, the grandparents, especi- the adoptive parents, especially on the ally the ’s mother, had been maternal side. involved from the earliest moment. This Two-thirds of the social workers said made for much less anxiety. that they had actively examined the In addition to the excitement of attitude of the adopters’ parents as part meeting the new child, grandparents felt of their assessment, and in a third of anxious about whether the child would cases a grandparent had been inter- take to them. Several told vivid stories viewed. However, from the social about their first meeting. These always workers’ comments, it did not appear emphasised the child’s acceptance of that the grandparents provided much them, suggesting a possible underlying practical help, such as babysitting, once sense of relief. One grandparent the child was placed. described the little , aged five, going up to her and saying, ‘Are you Findings from the qualitative going to be my new granddad?’ Another research told of the child’s interest in their The findings from the qualitative inter- garden, which seemed to provide a real views are set out from the perspective of sense of connection. Often, the small each of the three generations. Each one size and vulnerability of the child were seemed to be working out three funda- emphasised, suggesting a neediness to mental themes, from its own distinctive which the grandparents felt they could perspective. These themes were: really respond: developing a sense of connection; the position of family members; and She came in, bounced in, she just came responding to cultural expectations of over and threw her arms around me. It what a grandparent should be like. goes to your heart, doesn’t it? You think, ‘This child’s looking for a . . .’ The grandparents’ perspective An important issue for grandparents was Also important was the child’s first use at what time their or of the relationship name. One grand- decided to tell them about their plan to mother broke down as she recalled, ‘I adopt. In three of the families, the can remember him saying, “I am going grandparents were not told until a to be a granddad now!”’ The use of the considerable way through the assess- relationship name seemed to have a ment and, even then, they were not ‘claiming’ property. really given a clear picture of what was Grandparents were keen to describe going on. The adoptive parents were the progress the child had made since

58 ADOPTION & FOSTERING VOLUME 33 NUMBER 1 2009 joining their family. This was often seen interfering’. Because of the particular as a direct result of what the grand- circumstances of adoption, especially parent had taught them or done for where the child had challenging and them, for instance, becoming more incomprehensible behaviour, this caused physically affectionate or being able to several grandparents a degree of stress. swim or ride a bike. Like the first meet- They employed a range of defensive ing, this also had the effect of making strategies to deal with this, such as the child seem ‘like us’. being ‘philosophical’ (‘That wasn’t to In the beginning of the placement, the be’), generalising or idealising (‘It’s grandparents’ focus tended to be more wonderful!’), or choosing not to enquire on wishing to support their son or too deeply (‘That doesn’t concern us’). daughter in becoming a parent – which Each of these responses could be seen they knew they had wanted so much – in the context of contemporary cultural than on the child. As one grandfather norms for a grandparent. put it, he was pleased ‘because it made Overall, the grandparents saw the them [his daughter and son-in-law] child as becoming more ‘normal’, more happy’. Then, over time, they were able part of the family, and told stories about to gain a sense of connection with the family life that emphasised this. As one child as he or she became more like the grandmother put it: ‘They are as close family. They would identify character- as anybody’s normal grandchildren.’ istics that emphasised this similarity, such as the same birth sign, the child’s The adoptive parents’ perspective interest in their family history or simi- For the adopters, it was very important larity of temperament. Often a grand- that their own parents accepted adoption parent developed a sense of as a true form of family and themselves with the child because of their history, as true parents to the adopted child. in a way that the adoptive parents did They might demonstrate this by behav- not. For example, in one family the ing towards the child as grandparents grandmother expressed a feeling of ‘should’. If they had any other grand- connection regarding the child’s concern children, their behaviour was carefully about the birth from whom she compared. In all the families inter- had been separated. Like her, the grand- viewed, the parents expected the grand- mother had been the eldest in a big parents simply to love the children family. The birth parents in this family without asking questions. Telling them expressed only relief that, through about the reasons for adoption is ‘point- adoption, the child had been removed less, as long as they love them’. from feelings of responsibility for her Just like the grandparents, the birth siblings. adopters recounted powerful stories Where one grandparent (in all cases, about their child’s first meeting with the mother’s mother) was very active their parents and the positive response. and involved, the others tended to One parent described how presents from compare themselves negatively with her, the family were ‘in piles on the floor’ lamenting their physical incapacity, and ‘we ran out of vases for the geographical distance or the less close flowers’, and then how their frail parents relationship with their son or daughter. had made the long journey to meet the Grandparents also wondered how their child before the arranged time. One deceased partners would have responded adoptive mother told me how she and to the child. her husband had anticipated and The grandparents had a clear set of dreaded a negative response from her beliefs (whether explicitly stated or not) own mother, and were thrilled when about what was expected of their role. their adopted child: These included being ‘fun’, treating all their grandchildren exactly the same and took completely to my mum and dad being ‘close’ but at the same time ‘not straight away, and I think that kind of

ADOPTION & FOSTERING VOLUME 33 NUMBER 1 2009 59 broke the barriers, and because she was would think about how their deceased so tiny, I don’t think they expected her to parent would have reacted to the child, be so angelic as she was. perhaps drawing strength from their imagined or (if the grandparent had died The responsiveness of the child was after meeting the child) their actual often emphasised. As the placement positive response to the child and her or progressed, adoptive parents loved to see his response to them. In some ways, evidence of their parents’ acceptance of these memories gave more reassurance their adopted son or daughter and of than was provided by the living grand- their acknowledgement of the child’s parents, whose responses could be less progress, all of which was taken as easily predicted. However, parents did confirmation that they were seen by use their parents’ geographical distance, them as true and effective parents. One infirmity or other characteristics to mother told how, when her adopted boys ‘manage’ their perceptions of them. (who had experienced neglect) came out Adopters drew on prevalent cultural of the bath, her mother-in-law always norms in their assessment of their said, ‘They’re filling out lovely!’ An- parents’ behaviour. For example, being other mother expressed delight in able to tell a story that illustrates how recounting how her adopted daughter, a (grand)parent treats the adopted who had been very slow to respond to grandchild ‘exactly the same’ as her affection, had recently allowed her other grandchildren served as evidence to place her on his lap. that they were accepted. Emotional Where grandparents did not do this, distance could be justified by saying, parents often distanced themselves from ‘Grandparents have their place.’ Predic- them and described them in a dismissive table routines, and ‘fun’ activities, way. These grandparents might have seemed especially reassuring. One asked a question that implied they grandparent lived a long way away and thought of the child differently. For was known to have questioned the example: adoption. Yet she regularly sent ‘little letters’ to her adoptive grandchildren She said, ‘Why don’t you have your containing tokens from cereal packets own?’ . . . His mum actually said it! and money. This provided a message of acceptance which the lack of contact By contrast, another respondent’s father prevented from being challenged. had ‘never questioned it, never, no, not In none of the families was the at all’. Sometimes quite significant grandparent providing a high level of ‘’ occurred, with one grand- practical help, and any support given parent (generally on the paternal side) tended to be cited as an acting out of compared negatively with another acceptance, rather than as something (usually the maternal side), who was essential to the family’s practical func- correspondingly idealised. These tioning. Grandparents were expected to contrasts, which seemed exaggerated, be positive, affirming and predictable. could be made between a variety of Where they were not, distance was family members – adopters and their established in order to enable a more parents, the adopted child and other manageable (and less accurate) view of children in the family, and the adopters them to be maintained. Several of the and their adult siblings. They helped to parents showed a pattern of quoting contain the parents’ fears that adoption their parents’ approving words and might not be, in the words of one father, phrases verbatim, sometimes imitating ‘just normal really, no difference their tone and style of speech: whatsoever’. Where a grandparent was deceased, I My dad came in and said, ‘Gosh!’ he found that they still remained an said, ‘She’s just run up to me!’ important part of the family. Parents

60 ADOPTION & FOSTERING VOLUME 33 NUMBER 1 2009 But that’s the only time my mum said, Picture 1 ‘Don’t you think you’ve taken on too Danny and his grandmother much?’

Adoptive parents sometimes imputed their own negative views to their parents, even when there was no evidence that their parents held or had ever held such opinions:

They’ve got to think, all of a sudden, what this child who wasn’t born into the family is going to be like. From the tales that he [grandfather] tells you, they are very disruptive and they are going to wreck your lives, and this whirlwind is going to come in and turn what was perfectly normal and happy and acceptable upside down.

The children’s perspective The presence and involvement of their new grandparents clearly helped the when describing their grandparents. children gain a sense of being accepted Where the grandparent was not ‘fun’, by the whole family. The grandparents the child would go to considerable often provided a link with and lengths to find a way of making them fit other relatives, dead as well as living. A this image: grandparent was seen as able to tell the child ‘what mummy was like when she Grandad is a dragon [ie he gets cross] was a baby’, in the words of one of the . . . but dragons can be nice sometimes, children. For another child, the military can’t they? exploits of a long deceased great- grandparent could be a source of pride Where grandchildren did not really and linked with his own interest in know their grandparents, perhaps owing soldiers. to distance or because they had died, More than anything, grandparents they were always described as having were seen as a source of ‘fun’ and been ‘fun’ and ‘nice’. positive regard (see Picture 1). When describing The Broken Vase In drawing a picture of himself and story stem (Picture 2), the children’s his maternal grandmother, Danny, aged emphasis was: eight, paid careful attention to their shoes – his football boots (because he Mummy says ‘naughty boy!’The plays football with her) and her stripy grandparents are never cross. They are shoes. The object in the air is a ‘sticky pleased to help you, just happy to see dart’, and they are trying ‘to see who you. can throw it the far-est’. The whole picture emphasises ‘fun’. Mother is thinking, ‘What a naughty Regular, predictable routines, such as boy!’The grandparents are thinking, coming to tea every Sunday and ‘What’s the matter?’They are not cross, allowing the child to choose a film to they are just a bit puzzled. They think he watch together, were important in did not mean to do it. building up this picture. The analysis revealed how the children frequently used words like ‘always’ and ‘usually’

ADOPTION & FOSTERING VOLUME 33 NUMBER 1 2009 61 Picture 2 that she found the situation very diffi- The Broken Vase cult. While discussing this during the interview, she wriggled and writhed, then got up and ran around rather wildly. The picture she drew was almost scribbled and contained no people. When asked about her grandmother, she replied: ‘I can’t know.’ Her response to The Broken Vase was:

Mum thinks it’s him, but it’s not, it’s his . The grandparents are thinking, ‘Naughty, naughty sister!’ and so is Mum . . .

This was the only response to this story stem in which the grandparents were described as being angry with the child. A significant finding was that it was not The adopted children, whether they necessarily important to the child if they were placed as babies or older, had did not see the grandparent very often expectations about what a grandparent or if the grandparent could not do much should be like. This came from their with them. What mattered was their experience of older people including, in sense that the grandparent liked them. one case only, a birth grandparent, and For example, one child was able to draw also from images they had absorbed on happy memories of meeting his from story books and the media. Their grandmother from the train on her view of their actual grandparent was occasional visits and the ‘little pressies’ significantly shaped by these expecta- she always brought. Another boy told tions, and this image, supported by me how his grandfather, who was carefully remembered narratives, was housebound, gave him ten pence every used to affirm their view of an approv- time he scored a goal for his school ing, safe person. This person did not tell football team. In yet another family, the them off and confirmed all they needed child described being able to ‘help to believe about their ‘special’ new nanny tidy up the house, because she family. finds it difficult to bend down’. In inter- views with all three of these grand- Discussion: grandparents as parents, the grandparent had lamented ‘approving witnesses’ the fact that they were not as close or as The involvement of grandparents, both active as they would have liked to be, as the adoptive parents’ parent and the and that being more so would have child’s grandparent, was important for helped their relationship with the child. all six families in this study. It strength- However, there was no hint from the ened everyone’s sense of the family as child that this was an issue for them. something nurturing that continued over The positive regard represented by the generations and included many more ‘fun’ was what mattered. family members than just the adoptive In one family, the truth was too far parents. The grandparents performed from this for one of the children to be this role largely intuitively, making use able to accept owing to a significant of the shared cultural expectations family estrangement. The parents tried around them. They often did not fully to make a joke of it, then claimed that appreciate just how important they were, their adopted daughter was too young especially in the case of those who were to understand and that it would be less involved. explained to her later on, yet it was clear One finding from this study was that

62 ADOPTION & FOSTERING VOLUME 33 NUMBER 1 2009 all grandparents are significant, not just family’, but these comments were never those who live close by or are support- acknowledged, the subject being quickly ive in a practical sense. This included changed. The grandmother’s ‘seeing’set very distant grandparents and even those up a pattern of reinforcement that was who were no longer alive. I came to see based on the exclusion of some thoughts this as stemming from the symbolic and feelings, a process that was very function they fulfil. Grandparents might strong. In this family, as in the others, be viewed as ‘witnesses’ to the family’s there was a sense of a double reparation: legitimacy, figures whose approval the reparation of the adult and enables the parents’ about the as parents and the reparation acceptability of their family structure, of an abused child. The grandparents and the acceptability of the actual child, had a strong sense of both. to be assuaged. In order to be seen in One way of looking at this theoretic- this way, relationships take on a certain ally is suggested by the French narrative shape and the distinction between the thinker Paul Ricoeur (2004). He de- real people and what they represent is scribes how our ‘close relations’ occupy not always allowed to be clear. an intermediate level between the This was illustrated by one mother individual self and the wider world. It is who described her experience of man- via our exchange with these ‘close aging the behaviour of the two children relations’ who ‘approve of my existence’ who had been placed with her for adop- that we are able to build up an accept- tion. For a while, she felt that her mother able and comprehensible picture of the did not really accept just how difficult world. For the six families studied, the they were. This made her feel desperate grandparents (both the real individuals and extremely isolated. Perhaps her and their image as held by the parents mother thought she was exaggerating or and children) were looked to for this that she was simply a ‘bad’ parent: authorising and approving function. Adoptive parents, for all their com- Nobody could see . . . I got the blame mitment and abilities, may lack confid- . . . It was awful . . . I couldn’t take any ence in themselves as parents (Priel et more. al, 2000; Tollemache, 2006) in a way that other parents may not. They look to Then, suddenly and dramatically, she their parents and, perhaps especially for described the moment when her mother the adoptive mother to her own mother realised: ‘Mum’s seen!’Knowing that (Stern, 1995), for affirmation of their her own mother understood was experi- new status as parents. Thus, the adop- enced as a huge relief and enabled her ters’ parents are both the focus of their to continue caring. The grandmother anxiety and the ones who can best told me, ‘I feel so close to them because dispel it; in both cases, it is by their they are my daughter’s children.’ imagined as well as by their actual The closeness she felt towards her response. Others may have to fulfil this daughter had transferred to the children function if necessary, but nobody can her daughter had chosen as her own. really replace the involvement of the Although their behaviour was so person to whom the parent themselves challenging, the grandmother was able looked as a child. Harold Blum (1983), to identify situations in which the in one of only two other studies of children were endearing or humorous; adoption and grandparents in the litera- such accounts were seized on by the ture, says that when people become adoptive mother as reassurance that they adoptive parents, the attitude of their really were loveable, even amid other parents is ‘pivotal’. This includes not evidence. In fact, the grandfather in this just their actual attitudes, such as how particular family later acknowledged eager they are to help, but their ‘fanta- that he had always had ‘reservations . . . sised reaction’. From his psychoanalytic they are not quite a hundred percent perspective, Blum describes how a

ADOPTION & FOSTERING VOLUME 33 NUMBER 1 2009 63 grandparent can be an ‘auxiliary attitudes or other forms of permanence? superego’ to an adoptive parent. This The present study cannot answer this complementarity of response, the question directly, especially as both sharing of psychological functions, grandparenting (Ikels, 1998) and adop- supports the findings of this study. tion (Benet, 1976) are significantly All the adopters I interviewed started shaped by cultural context. However, out with a vision, with a view of them- one other study provides some clues. selves as ‘normal’ parents. Although the Beryl Soparkar (1998) conducted 83 image of ‘normality’ varied between the telephone interviews with adoptive families, an important component was grandmothers in the United States. the ability to see their own parents as Here, the cultural context and racial grandparents and to relate to them from profile was very different, with over half this new generational position. Their the being transracial and parents shared this vision for them. The intercountry, and with the children being word ‘normal’ was constantly used by generally ‘unmatched’ with their parents and grandparents. The difficulty adoptive parents. Some had . with the concept of normality, however, A similar ethnic or religious heritage is that it carries two meanings (Ricoeur, appeared to intensify the sense of 2007): ‘normality’ is ‘a statistical belonging felt by the grandmother to the average’ and also ‘an ideal’, the absence child and, conversely, a different of which implies a deficiency. Ricoeur background could serve as a barrier to describes ‘the insolent aspect of health’, acceptance when the grandmother which thus creates inferiority and then already had reservations. However, the establishes it as a social norm. key factor was the fit between the Accepting the idea of adoption is not child’s needs and the needs and expect- all. With the arrival of the actual child, ations of the grandparents and parents, he or she has to be integrated into this (something several of the grandmothers vision of ‘normality’, whereupon the termed ‘fitting in’) and specifically the same anxieties about acceptance arise. child’s responsiveness to them. Where The child, too, will have a parallel this was present, grandparents were able vision of ‘normal’ family life. In all of to develop a strong sense of connection this, the place of grandparents as with the child by identifying other types approving the actual child as well as the of similarity, such as personality or idea of adoption is important. looks. Some saw a transracial adoption Grandparent roles, along with other as an affirmation of their values; how- roles in contemporary culture, are ever, a number of these grandmothers changing. Today, grandparents expect to expressed an awareness that their own leave authority issues to the child’s parents and grandparents would not parents and to ‘take pleasure in the have approved of the children. emotional responsiveness of their grand- Hedi Argent (2004), in Related by children’ (Kivnick, 1982; Silverstein et Adoption: A handbook for grandparents al, 1998; Dench and Ogg, 2002). This and other relatives, recorded speaking can meet both their needs for an ideal- to adoptive grandparents about the need ised version of themselves as parents to recognise and celebrate both differ- (Cath, 1986) and the child’s need for a ence and similarity within transracial ‘good double’ of his or her parents placements. The part a grandparent can (Blau, 1984). It could be argued that this play in helping the family to accept the aspect of the culture links well with the child, and to identify connecting factors, needs of both the adoptive parents and emerged in this research and is common the adopted child, both of whom need a to both Soparkar and Argent’s thinking. sense of approval and acceptance. Further studies could explore this from Can the findings from this research be a variety of angles, including the part generalised to adoptions involving grandparents play (and whether this different ethnicity, different cultural pattern is also observed) in other forms

64 ADOPTION & FOSTERING VOLUME 33 NUMBER 1 2009 of non-biological family, such as cannot be fully helped unless their fostering or step-parenting. original vision of being a ‘normal’ family is explicitly acknowledged, Implications for practice perhaps in some detail. This may be This study has implications for the very different to the current reality and assessment of prospective families and can be a hidden source of anger and also for the support of established hurt. adoptive families. In assessing families, This study has also shown that for the it is just as important to explore the grandparents to play their part as attitudes of those (grand)parents who do ‘approving witnesses’ demands a level not support adoption or are not close, as of idealisation and, conversely, of those who are. The perceived attitude of negative projection that can make the deceased parents might also benefit family fragile in the face of change. from exploration (‘What would your There were certain narratives, especially mother have thought of this, were she for the children and grandparents, that alive’), as this will be having a signifi- were ‘disqualified’ (Henley et al, 1998). cant impact on the applicants’ thinking. Both a family systems perspective (eg This study suggests that it is also Klever, 2003) and a psychodynamic important to encourage applicants to be perspective (eg Steiner, 1993) point to open with all their parents at an early the need to enable all family members stage. Not to be so will inevitably cause to be less emotionally ‘stuck together’, them stress. to use a concept from Bowen theory It may be helpful to explore their (Titelman, 2003). Parents and grand- perceptions of what grandparents should parents who can think and act more do and how they should behave, perhaps flexibly, and who are as free as possible involving the grandparents themselves. to form and express their own view Questions like ‘What makes a good without this causing unbearable anxiety, grandparent?’ or ‘Where is the line are a greater resource to the child. The between help and interference?’ would interviews with the eight children be helpful in making explicit some showed that, although they were positive assumptions that, if left unstated, may about most aspects of their family, seven cause misunderstandings later on. of them expressed some level of uncer- Parents’ parents could be asked: ‘What tainty about issues relating to their do you know about adoption? What do wider family. Furthermore, they you imagine an adopted child to be appeared unable to communicate this like?’ As an outcome of this study, uncertainty to their adoptive parents Plymouth has devised an information directly. The adoptive parents likewise leaflet to be given to the parents of did not seem to be aware of this or prospective adopters and a pilot inform- provided reassurances that did not really ation evening for the parents of adopters help. For example, one mother empha- is planned. sised the contrast between the child’s One of the biggest challenges in birth grandparents and her own parents. supporting families is how grandparents However, in my interview with the child can be enabled to support the child, he expressed a worry that he would whom they may understand surprisingly forget his original family. If he could, well, without this being perceived by the then he might just as easily forget his parents as a rejection or criticism of current adoptive family. Another child, them, so negating the role of grand- who had been led to expect an idealised parents as ‘approving witnesses’. In new family, could not reconcile this some cases, it may only be the grand- with being told off by her grandfather. parent who can see what is really going By contrast, the adoptive mother saw on within the family and only the grand- her father’s firmness as supportive of parent who has the power to challenge her and a recognition of the difficulties it. My view is that adoptive families she faced with the child’s behaviour.

ADOPTION & FOSTERING VOLUME 33 NUMBER 1 2009 65 Conclusion Benet MK, The Politics of Adoption, New York: This article describes a study of six The Free Press, 1976 adoptive families which has taken the Blau T, ‘An evaluative study of the role of the perspective of relationships within the grandparent in the best interests of the child’, child’s, the parents’and the grand- American Journal of Family Therapy 12:4, parents’ generation. This was set in con- pp 45–60, 1984 text by a larger but less detailed study Blum H, ‘Adoptive parents: generative conflict (n = 236) of all the people approved as and generational continuity’, The Psychoanaly- adopters in Devon (including Plymouth tic Study of the Child 38, pp 141–63, 1983 and Torbay) over a four-year period. Cath S, ‘Clinical vignettes: a range of These findings support the ones from grandparental experiences’, Journal of Geriatric the six families studied in depth. 19:1, pp 57–68, 1986 In all the families, grandparents were significant to the parents and to the Dench G and Ogg J, Grandparenting in Britain: child, a fact that was clearly salient for A baseline study, London: Institute of Community Studies, 2002 the grandparents themselves. This was not affected by geographical distance or Erikson E, Vital Involvement in Old Age, New physical . Grandparents seemed York: WW Norton & Co, 1994 important as much for what they Henley A with Kean M and Lloyd M, ‘Dark represent as for what they do. Funda- histories and shadows of doubt’, Gecko 3, mentally, they act as ‘approving wit- pp 7–17, 1998 nesses’, symbols of acceptance both to Hodges J, Steele M, Hillman S, Henderson K the new parents and to the child. In the and Kaniuk J, ‘Changes in attachment words of one mother, ‘Mum sees!’ The representations over the first year of adoptive meaning of grandparenthood within placement: narratives of maltreated children’, contemporary British culture, as well as Clinical Child Psychology and Psychiatry 8:3, the individual characteristics of the pp 347–63, 2003 grandparents themselves, are important Holloway W and Jefferson T, Doing Qualitative and, to some extent, interact with each Research Differently, London: Sage, 2000 other. Ties of kinship are created by a Ikels C, ‘Grandparenthood in cross-cultural sense of family continuity and by perspective’, in Szinovacz M (ed), Handbook on interlocking relationships. In adoptive Grandparenthood, Westport, CT: Greenwood families, just as in families formed by Press, 1998 birth, grandparents can be seen to play an influential role. Kivnick H, The Meaning of Grandparenthood, Ann Arbor, MI: UMI Research Press, 1982 Acknowledgements Klever P, ‘Marital functioning and The author would like to acknowledge multigenerational fusion and cutoff’, in the advice and support given by Dr Liz Titelman P (ed), Emotional Cutoff: Bowen Webb and Professor Andrew Cooper at Family Systems Theory perspectives, New York: Haworth Press, 2003 the Tavistock Clinic, London. Priel B, Melamed-Hass S, Besser A and Kantor B, ‘Adjustment among adopted children: the Author’s note: This research was role of maternal self-reflectiveness’, Family undertaken as part of a doctoral degree. Relations 49, pp 389–96, 2000 David Pitcher welcomes correspondence about this area to dave.pitcher@ Ricoeur P, Memory, History, Forgetting, Chicago, IL: University of Chicago Press, 2004 plymouth.gov.uk Ricoeur P, ‘The difference between the normal and the pathological as a source of respect’, in References Ricoeur P, Reflections on the Just, Chicago, IL: Argent H, Related by Adoption: A handbook for University of Chicago Press, 2007 grandparents and other relatives, London: BAAF, 2004 Silverstein M, Giarusso R and Bengston V, ‘Intergenerational solidarity and the grandparent

66 ADOPTION & FOSTERING VOLUME 33 NUMBER 1 2009 role’, in Szinovacz M (ed), Handbook on Strauss A, Qualitative Analysis for Social Grandparenthood, Westport, CT: Greenwood Scientists, Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 1998 Press, 1987 Smith J et al, ‘Interpretative phenomenological Titelman P, Emotional Cutoff: Bowen Family analysis’, in Murray M and Chamberlain K Systems Theory perspectives, New York: (eds), Qualitative Health Psychology: Theories Haworth Press, 2003 and methods, London: Sage, 1986 Tollemache L, ‘Minding the gap: reconciling Soparkar B, Grandmothers’ Reactions to the gaps between expectation and reality in Having Adopted Grandchildren, Unpublished work with adoptive families’, in Kenrick J, doctoral dissertation, The University of Lindsey C and Tollemache L (eds), Creating Connecticut, 1998 New Families: Therapeutic approaches to fostering, adoption and kinship care, London: Steiner J, Psychic Retreats: Pathological Karnac, 2006 organisations in psychotic, neurotic and borderline patients, London: Routledge, 1993 © David Pitcher 2009 Stern D, The Motherhood Constellation: A unified view of parent-infant psychotherapy, New York: Basic Books, 1995

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