London Volume 36 Issue 3 November 2013 Hash Wedding Pages 4 to 7

ERIC “Oi! C’mere you. I’ll give you ‘Awn Awn’ yer cheeky b*stard!” LH3 Hash Contacts Touch Rugby 2013 Hare

Grand Master Paul “Bonnie” Tylor [email protected] ______Hon Sec Ging Gang Goolie [email protected] ______Edit Hare Clifton “Chi-Su” Alden-Jones [email protected] Wacker ______Hare Raiser Naughty Nympho [email protected] ______

Send items for this mag to the edit hare above. Many thanks to all who sent in jokes or photos for this issue. Download the colour version from the website http:// www.londonhash.org/hashtrash.php

This magazine is private & confidential and for members of the London Hash House Harriers

Forthcoming Events - wider hash calendar Date Event Where Webshite Contacts 75th Anniversary Selayang Quarry, 9th Nov 2013 Opera Celebration Run

Royal Selangor Club http://www. 6-8 Dec 2013 Diamond Jubilee H3 in Kuala Lumpur, rschhhdiamon- Speedy . drun2013.com Hosted by the http://www. 13-16 Mar 2014 Interhash 2014 H3 in interhash2014. Hainan, China. com/ Hosted by the http://www. 23-25 May 2014 40th Anniversary Bicester H3 in Bicester, UK. bicesterh3.org/ http://www.ah3. Danish Nash Hosted by the 6-8 Jun 2014 Arhus H3 in Arhus, dk/nashhash2014/ Helle Hansen Hash Denmark. index.php Pre-Lube to http://brussels. 23-24 July 2014 Hosted by CLaWs Yorky Porky Brussels 2014 londonhash.org

Hosted by Brussels http://www. 25-27 July 2014 Brussels 2014 Manneke Piss & interhash2014. Higgins Ostende Gonads H³s com : Sp Run 2126 • The Village Inn RA arerib Hare Rayner’s Lane • 10th June 2013

Wacker

Don’t you just hate it when countryside of Eric’s jaunt Turku, Finland and of her cycle jacket. Her you set out in reasonable last week was none the less Longfellow, formerly recent naming at WLH3 time for an event or show very pleasant. of the Saipan hash in was declared inadmissible and the bloody trains Micronesia. One was very by the LH3 Jury as guest conspire against you? When It was a certainly shock tall indeed, the other not RA Robocop was allegedly for your appointment happens seeing Psychedelic so. on his 7th pint at the time to be for LH3’s Monday the first time in years. I and therefore incapable of night trail it’s a real think that that headband Roadkill and his daughter sound judgement. Besides, bummer. Regular Facebook must be permanently Flat Pussy both earned her new name is clearly updates from Hot Down attached to his bonce. themselves a down down; much better. it was always going to South en route confirmed We were even treated to that I was not alone in my happen. I think Dad was Nice run Wacker. I thought the Art Deco splendour that the MF set a pretty plight. driving home on this of the Zoroastrian Centre occasion. decent trail. Having arrived at the on the Inn Trail. Silly The circle was treated to Post Run Update: Verity Wetherspoons pub at question, it is London’s an epic monologue from is still hashing regularly Rayners Lane at 7.20 pm principal place of worship a la ‘Whose Longfellow but with CH3. It is I seriously doubted any for Zoroastrians. Line is it Anyway’ style rumoured that Sparerib chance of catching up tribute. I just wish I had Prior to the down downs, is devastated. the pack. I noted a nice Thunderthighs paid the foresight to record selection of ales for later tribute to the sad passing a video from my phone so it would be worth caning of Meal Ticket and the but was laughing too it round at least. circle raised a glass to him much at the time. and all hashers & harriettes However, thanks to an The recent weather no longer with us. Scribe impeccably marked trail by had been great whilst Wacker (and several SCB Down downs: Bonnie and Naughty marks) I managed to catch First time virgin Verity who Nympho had been up with Mad Cow, the managed to heckle the RA in Hong Kong then of shy and retiring tVerity at every opportunity to the course it deteriorated and Guilty (but not for great delight of the circle. on their return. much longer). I had been Not content with her first ‘Guilty’ was pounding the concrete of drink she sunk another jar suburbia for rather too renamed to for her bizarre obsession ‘Turn Me off’ as long so a short hop and with Mad Cow’s bum and jaunt down a path off the Thunderthighs the length of Longfellow’s acknowledged her bridge led to a glorious Co….ncentration levels. I request on the trail expanse of green trail and think we have a harriette to switch off the playing fields. Whilst not in the making. light on the back quite matching the epic Visitors: T-shirt from Charlatan

3 Q. What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? A. Polaroids. Run 2124 • The Sun Inn RA: Spar erib Richmond • 1st June 2013 Hen Hare Hey, those hashers who started hashing under the last king - is a hash wedding ceremony something that has been done before? Or, is this a first? The mastermind behind this splendid day was the Hot one (I forget names...Hot All Over?) She quickly co-opted a team including hash royalty, R & T who set Stag and Hen trails, and the Rev’d Sparerib to act as, well, Religious Advisor. He did his usual fair to middling job with the Ryde weather and there was a good turn out of wedding themed hashers and bemused visitors who made it to the well known slums of Richmond. Oh, by the way, the happy engaged couple were Game and Away and Hardcore Bomber (that’s just two people if you’re wondering..)

4 When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. Hen Hare

Ryde

Stag Hare

Tablewhine 5 Q. What do you call kids born in whorehouses? A. Brothel sprouts. The Vows Hard Core Bomber’s vows were from ‘Zen and the Art of Motor- cycle Maintenance’. I, Hard Core Bomber, being of sound body (more or less) and ques- tionable half mind - as- sert that I take thee Game & Away to be my hashfully wedded Har- riette. - I promise to inject only the highest quality ‘fuel’ at regular intervals and in sufficient quantity as to keep your motor run- ning - promise to lubri- cate all parts very well before use and warm you up before I go ‘off’ roaring down the road. - I promise to mount from the back, the side and all other possibili- ties and will only ride you backwards if you OK it (while sober) - I promise to only Ride you outdoors only in good weather - I promise to keep your headlights polished and spit shined as often as needed - I promise to keep your seat free from excessive wear Game & Away took her vows from the PC own- ers repair guide: - I promise to keep your hard drive hard - I promise to never use the term floppy again in referring to you - And the same goes for ‘software’ - and especially for the term MICRO-SOFT - I will serve you Spam only for breakfast - I promise to use a strong Virus checker and never let you get infected - I will always provide an available socket/outlet for you to plug in - (If you are not at home I will rely on my own backup batteries)

6 The biggest difference between men and women is what comes to mind when the word ‘Facial’ is used. The Blessing Bless this couple, Bless this matrimony, Wife no headacheus, No shopping drag us, No moaning when snoreus, Map reading no lose us, Husband no fartus, Fore- play no sleepus, Breakfast in bedus . Flowers regularus, Plenty of cold beerus, Coitus non interruptus. Run 2129 • The Lamb Brewery Hares Chiswick Park • 24th June 2013

Ryde & Tablewhine

I will start this run review by apologising at the pub, the pack had clearly for the hashed together nature of increased in size and the hashers this write-up but I came to scribing that had joined us en route included it quite by chance, many weeks after Rambo and Sthweetheart. At the it had taken place. Nevertheless, due brewery the pack partook in sampling to driving to the hash, my memory of all the fare the brewery had to offer. the occasion is better than it might As I was driving, I had to limit myself to well have been. Firstly, I remember the food which was worth the wait. thinking that, despite the trail being a long, long way from where I live My memory in the circle is not so in S.E London and where I work in great, probably because I was busy South London, it would still be worth eating food for most of it on the attending a trail hared by our own other side of the pub with Martian hash royalty: Ryde and Tablewhine. Matron, More-On and some of the I was not wrong. French friends. Needless to say that in the circle various members of the Of course it goes without saying that group were charged with a variety of the hares choose a fine drinking hole, The Lamb Brewery. The Lamb Brewery spurious offenses and down-downs was established in the 19th century were issued as and when required. and later re-established in 2012 and Finally, I do remember that our served a tasty variety of casked and recently-hash-married couple, HCB kegged beer and ales. & G&A, were finally given their hash wedding rings several weeks after the Secondly, I recall that the trail left event. The tardiness owing to the fact with a good sized pack and we ran that, in line with all the best traditions through the modern yet pretty business of affairs such as these, the best- park before heading to Gunnersbury man, Tablewhine, had lost them. Park. The trail took us through the Of course, they turned up down the Scribe beautiful gardens and past many of back of the sofa along with 3 remote the historically significant landmarks controls and enough spare change to within the grounds of Gunnersbury pay off the debt of a small country. Park. Hey-ho, better late than never. Thirdly, I recall that on arriving back On-On

Hot Down South

8 Have you heard of the new movie called “Constipation”? It hasn’t come out yet. : Sp Run 2130 • The Warrington RA arerib Warwick Avenue • 1st July 2013

Hares medley of Pimms and the pack were happy to take their medication. As we left the garden we discovered that we were really were in a surreal place. It was the zebra crossing made famous by the other psychedelics – The Beatles – who recorded their final album next door at the Abbey Road studios. Cameras snapped and hashers posed for the obligatory shots and your scribe rehashed the songs. Game & The dream faded and we were soon back at The Warrington, Away / where it had all started not so long ago. The pub itself has a Sparerib colourful past, being formerly owned by the Church of England and allegedly an upmarket brothel. I want you to come More recently run by Gordon ** together, something is happening, Ramsay, it is unlikely anything the ordered Sparerib the hare at the hash could say or do anything too far beginning of the circle. Forty-seven out of order. However, punishments hashers casually leaned forward were meted out to miscreants. to hear the wise words about to Goldilocks and 3 Beers were be imparted. Here comes the sun straight into the frame. Then the RA because her majesty has said so, said explained that he would not in future Sparerib smoothly switching into confuse his Oyster card with a hotel RA mode. Oh darling he smooched, room key as that would be really please tell the pack what to do and stupid. Visitors were recognized, where to go. Game and Away including Ming Chang, Legs, gamely ignored her co-hare and Darwin Dom and Routed. Reach encouraged the pack to set off. was acknowledged to be a lazy So away we went along the Regents b*****d. Virgins included Lindy and Canal and after a few false trails Maureen. In the absence of anyone found our way out past Lords Cricket able to celebrate Canada Day, our Ground. Our visiting Aussie Hasher south african Swing Low was called was suitably impressed and looking upon. Hard Core Bomber was forward to a tour round the ground cited as a fashion victim for his silver the following day, prior to pissing all hammer striped socks. There was over the Poms in the games to come. a camera shoot-out between Ming Reaching Regents Park there were Chang and Chi Su to establish who enough check backs and twists and was the flashiest. And of course, the turns to keep the FRBs from guessing. hares - Sparerib, Game and Away Finally zig-zagging back into St Johns and Hard Core Bomber. Wood, we came across a welcome On On drink stop in the garden of the Abbey Road rehashed by Funky Scribe octopus, or Hard Core Bomber as Gibbon he’s better known. Game and Away (thanks to Ming for suppling most of and he were liberally dispensing a the pics for this run and 2131 - Ed) Scribe

Hot Down South Funky Gibbon 9 Diarrhea is hereditary, it runs in your jeans. Run 2131 Hare Richmond • 8th July 2013

Rambo

Run 2132 • The Thatched House Ravenscourt Park • 15th July 2013 Hare

Naughty Nympho

10 Q: Why did God create orgasms? A: So women can moan even when they’re happy Hash Humour 1

A husband and wife “Babe is it in?” “Yea.” are trying to set up “Does it hurt?” “Uh A bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a new password huh.” “Let me put it in a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can for their computer. slowly.” “It still hurts.” you explain it to me first?” “Okay, sweetheart. Put- The husband puts, “Okay, let’s try another ting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the “Mypenis,” and the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So wife falls on the shoe size.” ground laughing what we do is put the prisoner in the prison.” And A man asks a woman, “Haven’t they made love for the first time and the husband because on the screen I seen you someplace before?” it says, “Error. Not The woman responds, “Yeah, was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his long enough.” that’s why I don’t go there bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have anymore.” escaped.” Turning on his side, he smiles and says, “Then we will have to re-imprison him.” After the second time, the bride says, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!” The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again,” to which the husband yelled, “Hey, it’s not a life sentence!!!”

The teacher asked Jimmy, “Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?” Jimmy replied crying, “Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, ‘I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!’”

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position. One says, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.” “I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?” “Well, it’s where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, ‘boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.’ Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds.”

11 Roses are red that much is true but violets are purple not f**king blue. : Sp RA arerib Run 2133 • The Allsop Arms Hares Baker Street • 22nd July 2013

Cumming Dear & Skylark

The hottest day of the year so until all the booze had been drunk. far, and ignoring all sensible UK Surprisingly enough there weren’t government advice on heatwave many protests about this and survival in the unfamiliar hot everyone set about finishing off temperatures, the intrepid bunch of anything they could get their hands hashers descended upon the Allsop on, including the pungent garlic Arms to continue to do what they vodka. Mad Cow made a beeline do best and drink vast quantities of straight for the 18 year old malt beer. whiskey and after putting him in a The trail quickly took us away from headlock and administering a couple the busy streets of Marylebone, of Chinese burns, I did manage to where we had been tricked with gain possession of the bottle and many false trails by cunning hares share it amongst the rest of us. Skylark and Cumming Dear, The circle details are a bit sketchy and into the greener surroundings as 1) I had the local village idiot of Regents Park. Having circled who had attached himself to the various lakes and rose gardens we hash circle grunting in my ear and were once again cleverly tricked 2) overindulgence at the dregs into believing that we would be stop, but here’s what I can recall. rewarded with a drinks stop if we Visitors were Cosmo, Randall, ran to the top of the very steep and from Oslo H3 Flasher and the Scribe Primrose Hill. Only when we made self-professed Felicity Shagwell. it to the top we were disappointed Down downs for Drainoil and to find that it was only a regroup Linford for fighting with the locals check, although the stunning views on Primrose Hill. Well it’s just plain of the London skyline did make up rude to sit and have your picnic right for the lack of alcohol. in the middle of a hash trail. Chi Su As we set off once more along the for his lack of dedication to LH3 as canals we hit the streets again and he’s going to miss 3 runs in a row. finally found the drinks stop, or Moron for reaching 250 runs and ‘dregs stop’ in this case as co-hare Bonnie and Naughty Nympho Cumming Dear was clearing out for celebrating their wedding his drinks cabinet in preparation anniversary by having a night out for his forthcoming house move. hashing. Visitor was Chloe and Mrs Cumming Dear aka Inslide down downs for Yorkie for lusting Out promptly locked the pack in after her short shorts all the way their private garden and declared round the trail. that we weren’t allowed to leave On On Love Deuce Love Deuce

12 Q: How do you kill a circus clown? A: Go for the juggler! Run 2134 • The Coburn Arms Hare Mile End • 29th July 2013 which had been Meath Gardens across the and Vomit for all running threatening footbridge and you guessed to the pub before the hash most of the it back onto the canal to and Second Cumming, evening and bring us south through Mile because if one Cumming the skies End park and back to the drinks, all Cummings drink. opened up for pub. Virgin Danny for being a brief but the human shield for The list of misdemeanours HDS w e l c o m e d as previous explained, was long, but the pub shower. The for not fitting was kind and provided Psycodellic pack next through the railings early two pitchers of ale and went passing in the run and a pint of cider gratis. Captain by some for managing for haring Knockers c r i c k e t Unacceptable to squeeze through railings the shitty trail, which at nets and one knocker at a time. the time the RA said was around the for having her jewels the best trail of the year Ryde b o u n d a r y looted by , as had been lost, Cosmo Bonnie of a match Eric for commenting on how Unacceptable however before the circle in play was looking nice was over did make his Rooted b e f o r e Eric today as she turned up in way back to the pub saying t u r n i n g a skirt, to which the circle he was late as he stopped of left and heading into of course took as implying at a Wetherspoons along the Something Well Street Common for a she normally does not. way. Visitors was missing when the brief tour. Upon exiting Buckwash for dressing up. from Ottowa , Rooted pack set off this beautiful we snuck through a cut- Fucking for having from Beijing Hole in One London summer evening. through onto Iveagh Close Shapespear her parents in town but not and Mother and Daughter For the first time in 2013 where some tosser who had bringing them to the hash pair of our beloved Edit Hare, his dog off leash noticed Lick’em Young to which she commented “I and Chi-Su, was not with us. the pack and yelled to his Lick’em Younger need some fucking space”. dog to “go get em” where from Oregon as well as When your scribe last Lick Storm because if one On-On CD visited The Coburn Arms, it upon hash virgin Danny found himself a human Lick drinks, all Licks drink. was early January 2011 and There were also two visitors HDS, pls let me know if I his 2nd ever hash. Teapot shield blocking the path got the bit about the dog of the dog from HDS. To from Harriettes, was the hare, having taken Captain Knockers correct. over from Unacceptable, everyone’s relief, the dog ended up doing nothing and Walking Disaster as he was leaving for who sang their own Yemen and wanted to hare more than stopping next to the pack and barking loudly. down down song to one more time before he the delight of the left, we also saw Crack Return of dog licences anyone? After returning circle. Two virgins, named. Fast forward the aforementioned Scribe two and half years to the to Victoria Park, the pack rested at the gazebo for Danny from Greenwich present, Unacceptable and Yalcin from the hare again, did not a quick photo op then over across Grove Road Turkey. Overachievers relinquish his duties, and Hot Down South we had what quite a large into the Dear Park. T’was round this time that the for running a half number of hashers called a marathon the day lovely trail. The 50 strong path went cold for a bit, allowing the pack to stop before the hash and pack set out heading north Hole in One for a winding their way towards and smell the roses, along with the other summer triathlon. As well Victoria Park. After a brief as one for Bonnie detour onto the canal flowers on display. The pack found itself along the who was talking a missing railing in the about being inspired fence allowing the whole canal again, then up into Victoria park once more, by the Olympics of the pack to make their which were taking Scribe way into the park. While over the railings this time, past the Pagoda around the place a year ago cutting across fields and this week, but not Cumming around ponds Sparerib’s pond and exiting onto Old Ford Road. We dipped down actually running on powers as RA proved trail. Cumming Dear unable to prevent the rain onto the canal briefly, then through the estates and Dear, Skylark

Love Deuce

13 Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it? A: a cucumber. Run 2135 • The Wych Elm Hare Kingston-upon-Thames • 5th August 2013 2 visitors from Cairo, Hot & Juicy However, I am assured by those who and Spooner (although Spooner followed the trail that it was a good actually lived within walking dis- one and that everyone, especially tance of the pub - confused, you will Pete (as the backpack was much be). lighter on the way back) enjoyed the drink stop. As we prepared for the off, it dawned on us that something was As for the circle, there were down missing - the Hare, who was last downs for the hare, the visitors, seen disappearing down towards some misdemeanours and a number Kingston on his bike. Oh well, not of celebrations: Ryde for 850 r*ns, to be outdone we carried on with Not Out for 150 r*ns, and Reach the proceedings and just I was get- Around and Naughty Nympho ting ready to send the pack on it’s for 50 r*ns - and they both got their merry way, the Hare returned and glass tankards to mark the occasion. quickly explained the markings, All in all, a fun evening. Phickle Fart informed everyone that there would And the rain stayed away - and be a drink stop, and we were on our Sparerib took way. Pete the Pilot, who had been Fol- talked into carrying the drink stop in lowing a couple of seriously heavy, a rather large military style back- but brief downpours the sky was pack looked like he was about to set grey and overcast as I left the of- off a yomp across the Brecon’s… fice and made my way to Kingston. Scribe Would the skies clear, would the rain The trail went quickly into Richmond stay away, would PF lay a decent Park where it went right up a rather trail, and would anyone bother turn- steep looking hill. I, on the other ing up with such miserable weather? hand, being a clever sod thought better of that and thought I knew As it turns out, the skies did clear, where the trail would come out the rain did stay away, PF really did decided to short cut and headed off set a decent trail and a few hardy in the opposite direction in search of regulars and visitors (making a grand the Richmond Park Tavern. Alas, it total of 27) did make it out to Kings- would appear that I am not as clev- ton - so all was not lost! Actually, er as I thought, as I got it complete- the ‘P’ trail may have been lost - it ly wrong and spent rather too much was not easy to find as it had been time running around Richmond Park washed in the afore mentioned and not on the trail. Not only did I downpours. However, as this a not find the Richmond Park Tav- regular haunt, most people found it ern, but I missed the bloody drink easily enough. We had a visitor from stop! I’m sure there’s a lesson to Bonnie Glasgow, Hughie Bleurghh (at be learnt and I’m equally sure least I think that what he said, as someone will tell me what it was… Eric wasn’t around to translate) and

Run 2136 • The Kings Arms Green Park • 12th August 2013 Hare

Boggers

14 Q: What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates? A: A tearjerker. No pics or Run 2137 • The Oakwood Tavern Hare: Mic Mac write up Oakwood • 19th August 2013

Run 2139 • St. Christopher’s Inn Borough • 2nd Sept 2013 Hare don without a visit, where indeed the if they were ahead of him, behind or trail went, then on to Trinity Square abandoned a lost trail and retreated Gardens. By now it was getting dark to the pub already. and a man in a high viz jacket was ** Cuneiform script is one of the ear- busy locking the gates. As the first liest known systems of writing distin- through, I was feeling pretty smug guished by its “wedge-shaped” marks watching a harriet (Melissa, whose on clay tablets made by means of a hash name escapes me even though blunt reed for a stylus. The cuneiform she told me later) clinging to the script developed from pictographic bars crying “help, help, I’m locked proto-writing in the late 4th millen- in”. High viz man simply carried on nium BC in Sumer, an ancient civiliza- locking unmoved by her plight, but tion and historical region in southern somehow the pack managed to es- Mesopotamia, modern Iraq. See the cape. However the smugness soon Sumer HHH run write up below as evaporated as I managed to get the looted from a Baghdad museum. next check spectacularly wrong and found myself by Aldgate tube. Turn- Trigamist ing round I retraced my steps to the Gardens, now secure and deserted, Scribe and once more on trail zig zagged for home via the Monument and Run 2139, Mon Sep 2nd from The St across London Bridge, there once Christopher’s Inn at Borough hared more meeting the hare who was still by Trigamist. RA Mad Cow with strolling along. “help” from at least Bonnie, Reach Back in the pub, Pilot was still en- Around and Robo Cop. sconced where I left him, fixed in As I arrived at the (for me) usual time place except for a trip or two to the of 19:30-ish I found that the pack had bar. And visiting the bar was well already departed. However I spotted worth it; beer was on a special pro- Pete the Pilot sitting at a bench in motion at last year’s (or possibly even the side alley and went to leave my the year before that) prices for £2.50 bag with him. Keeping him and his pint a pint ! The downside was that the company was 2 AM and I thought for pack slaked its thirst with even more a few seconds that he might join me gusto than usual, so the initial choice in chasing the pack, however he had of four ales (London Pride, Black Bonnie also just bought a pint and showed Sheep, Pedigree & The Inn Ale, the no inclination to leave. As there was latter rumoured to be from Scotland) a slightly strange smell in the alley rapidly shrank to Pride alone. (not them, seemed reminiscent of Sometime later there were some off milk of badly maintained drains) I down downs for which the pub has hurried off into the fading light. the perfect spot. A small desolate Heading off southwards down Bor- square at the end of it’s side alley, ough High Street the trail was nice totally enclosed by surrounding of- and easy to follow until an unmarked fices which are of course deserted check. After a while running round at 21:30. These involved Nash Hash like a headless chicken, or solo check- sinners (Bonnie, Ryde and Ta- ing, I picked up the trail again which blewhine, and Last Tango), the eventually emerged on the Thames Erector, the Optimist, Trigamist by Tate Modern, then followed the as a fine hare and some visitors, plus Scribe trail of tourist sights along the riv- no doubt more I’ve forgotten. Mad er bank; The Globe, The Clink, The Cow helpfully handed me his notes Golden Hinde, under London Bridge, but they are completely unreadable Hay’s Galleria, HMS Belfast, City Hall, even though not in proper grown The Hare* and on past Tower Bridge. up/ joined up writing; I’m not sure To a false trail, which is I guess was why he bothers peering through his pretty predictable, so back to the glasses at them unless he can read bridge and over, where I caught the Cuneiform** ! Possibly he is a can- pack up. didate for the Government’s new At the check on the north bank, “make them stay at school until they there was considerable reluctance can pass GCSE English” idea ? Hope- from the pack to check in any direc- fully as an accountant he has at least tion but homeward along the river. basic Maths .... However it seemed unlikely that the * A listed ancient monument of the trail would come so close to St. Kath- Hash who was accompanied by a cou- erine’s Docks and the Tower of Lon- ple of walkers but seemed to have lost track of his pack, being unsure Rambo

15 Q: Why do men get their great ideas in bed? A: Because they’re plugged into a genius! Run 2138 • Springfield Bowling Club Hares Ealing Common • 26th August 2013 found the trail 5x..us walkers could When I got to the bowling club there hear him calling in the distance a few were only a few other hashers there times. as well as the Bowling club regulars and lots of stalls there to raise The BBQ was served for £3 each and money for good causes. The playlist they laid on a great spread including at the bar had cheesy songs such as delicious salad and some chips...but ‘Daytrip to Bangor’, Slade and other there was a lack of Sweet Potatoes mostly 1970s classic tunes which I for the hasher with that name...he loved! Blunder arrived smashed was not happy! having drunk a whole bottle of Gin The circle was called in the car park chez Yorky’s as YP had a few over and 2 makeshift beer tables were the previous day for his BBQ and rustled up and Mad Cow and 2am boozefest, including Sheeps it duly did the circle. Up and Wildbush. Also the pack More On & included Walking Disaster from Down Downs were for the hares for Sydney harriets and Twin Peaks a magnificent trail, Eric for his New Martian Matron from NZ who had just attended Nash Shoes and being clever clogs at most Hash. Cumming Dear arrived by checks, Unacceptable and Pope tube and bus from Heathrow with who need to get a life after their luggage and golf clubs...he had been combined total of 900 LH3 runs, Run report 2138 on a golfing weekend in Lisbon. Rambo for standing on check, 2am for turning up very late for Barnes H3 Springfield bowling club, The pack of 36 was gathered at Ealing Common in Brentford last week even though 12.45pm by acting GM (soon to be dad it was very close to his home, Yorky Hared by More On and Cumming Dear) and off we went and Blunder for 3 GnTs for breakfast Martian Matron on trail...I went off with More On and failing sobriety test. Wildbush with the stragglers and walkers and was down downed for expecting Bank holiday BBQ and the r*nners went off with Martian Raffle fun day at Bowling Protein from Sheeps it Up and Twin Matron. I had a Titanic struggle to Peaks (NZ) for being a returner. club. find a cashpoint that didn’t charge... Twizzie was named Little Miss initially unsuccessfully. The trail Muffet for being scared of spiders. It was a day never to forget. wound its way through interesting The Picadilly Line to Ealing Common streets and commons of mostly Acton Some hashers stayed behind to have a was closed and I also thought the and bits of Ealing, we even past near go at playing bowls or just to do more District Line to there was closed to Duke Of York pub but no drink drinking while yours truly went back as well...turns out I was wrong. stop there unfortunately. Where to the Notting Hill Carnival. A bank However for me getting from Wood the runners went heaven knows but holiday fun day for all. I don’t know if Green to West Acton worked out the trail was actually 5.5 miles. I Martian played her Accordian after quicker for me anyway despite eventually found a cashpoint towards I left. the Notting Hill carnival revellers the end of the trail and most of the Thanks and crowding the Central line. As I got pack (r*nners and walkers) ended More On Martian out at W. Acton I was looking at back at the Bowling Club just after Matron! my hastily printed out map to find 2pm. Last Tango lived up to her Cheers and On On my way to Springfield Bowling Club name as usual by turning up after Titanic. Martian Matron came to my the trail had finished having just rescue and laid a P trail from W. been dropped off from Nash hash. I Acton. also heard that out of 9 checks Eric swnh Scribe Beginner’s Lyric NECROPHILIA SONG wfvce Melody – Itself corner MY NAME IS JACK My name is Jack (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), I’m a necrophiliac (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), I love my mum (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), So, I did her up the bum.

My wife is dead (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum),- So, I send her up to bed (deedle-deedle-dee dle-dum), I love my wife (deedle-deedle-deedle-dum), So, I f**ked her back to life. Titanic

16 Hash Humour 2

A man and woman had been A family is at the dinner table. The married for 30 years, and in son asks the father, “Dad, how many those 30 years, they always left the lights off when hav- kinds of boobs are there?” The father, ing sex. He was embarrassed surprised, answers, “Well, son, a and scared that he couldn’t woman goes through three phases. In please her, so he always her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like used a big dildo on her. All melons, round and firm. In her 30s these years she had no clue. and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, One day, she decided to hanging a bit. After 50, they are like reach over and flip the light onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. switch on and saw that he You see them and they make you cry.” was using a dildo. She said “I This infuriated his wife and daughter. knew it, asshole, explain the The daughter asks, “Mom, how many dildo!” He said, “Explain the different kinds of willies are there?” The kids!” mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a A man was having premature man goes through three phases also. ejaculation problems so he In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, went to the doctor. The doctor said, “When you feel like you mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, are getting ready to ejaculate, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. try startling yourself.” That After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” same day the man went to the store and bought himself “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. a starter pistol and ran home “Yes, dead from the root up and the to his wife. That night the balls are just for decoration.” two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol. The next day Scribe he went back to the doctor who asked how it went. The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”

Titanic : Sp Run 2140 • William Morris RA arerib Hare Hammersmith • 9th Sept 2013

Bhopal

Hang the Hare Raiser, Skylark and the Hare SweatHeart for not showing up.

Emergency Hare: Bhopal

After a bit of negotiating by Pete the Pilot the William Morris pub Manager agreed to help us out and store the Bags away. During this time Bhopal was out laying the trail round the back streets towards the M4 and then through the tunnel to the a check near the Dove pub, then along by the river and across the bridge to the third FT, round by the Thames Path on the direction of Putney and past the Grabtree Scribe pub and then through the back streets and more FTs and then up the Fulham Palace Road towards the complex above Hammersmith Underground and Bus Station, around this to the crossing taking us back to the pub.

10 out of 10 for the last minute Hare.

Eric

18 Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say? A: Beat it, we’re closed. : Sp RA arerib Run 2141 • The Adam & Eve Hare St. James’s Park • 16th Sept 2013

Bonnie

Run 2142 • Chez Marxist RA: Spare rib Highgate • 21st Sept 2013 Hares The Annual Party Conference! This year’s party conference was leader couldn’t organise his way brought forward to an earlier date out of a damp paper bag, gave up in order to clash with proposed waiting and took off in advance of engineering works on the Northern the main conference. The potential Line, thereby causing maximum benefit of this ‘militant’ action, disruption and frustration to the would be that the party manifesto party faithful. But faithful they are, (trail) would be clearly sign posted as a grand total of 62 made it out and easy to follow. Unfortunately, to Highgate conference centre, thus this was not the case and the main ensuring a good mix of fully paid conference had to navigate there Hardcore up and part-time party members, way around the manifesto, which as well a couple of new members was not as easy as it should have Bomber & (or visitors). Some, including the been. And what a manifesto it was, party leader, were thwarted by the lots of green, lots of ups & downs Tablewhine disruption and were late, arriving and a stop at ‘Ally Pally’ to admire just in time for the main event! the view before heading back down through more greenery towards the The militant element of the party, small but welcoming conference having decided that the party continued over 19 Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? A: Virgin Mobile centre. However, there were a members to the conference. number of occasions when the However, unlike last years party writers of the party manifesto had conference, there were actually to direct party members to follow to some changes to the cabinet. the manifesto in the time honoured Naughty Nympho replaced Pete way and not stand around with their the Pilot as ‘Master of the Hares’ thumbs up their arses! and Run 2 Eat replaced Double Entry as ‘Mistress of the Cloth’. As these are austere times and the Bonnie then proposed a vote of party funds had been used to pay thanks to both Pete and DE for for all the food, party members their contribution to the party over were busy drinking whatever they the years, which was carried by the had brought along. It also became members. Bonnie also noted the apparent that on arrival back at the contribution that our ally (Game conference centre, the militants had & Away) from across the pond been up to their usual tricks and had had made over the last year and gone it alone with the bar-b-q’s - that it was shame she was leaving just trying to move the conference - especially as she was taking HCB along was their defensive line. with her! The new cabinet is: Not to be outdone, the party leader (having just sorted out the GM (party leader) - Bonnie conference refreshments) was on RA’s - Sparerib (Chief Whip), 2AM, hand to get things back on track, Reach Around & Mad Cow but not before he himself had had a Hare Raiser (Mistress of the Hares) - well earned cold beer! So while the Naughty Nympho party members gathered in small On Sec - Ging Gang Goolie groups in the margins to discuss a Webshite - Skylark range of party issues (as if), such as Edit Hare / Hash Flash - Chi Su ‘will be there enough food’, ‘will Hash Haberdash (Mistress of the there be enough beer’, ‘when will Cloth) - Run 2 Eat the bar-b-q’s be ready to cook on’ Social Sex - Last Tango & Hot and the upcoming cabinet election, Down South the party leader and his cabinet put Hash Bank - Not Out together the final touches to the Hash Cash - Hands On & Cumming their proposals for the year ahead. Dear Hash Helpers - Goldilocks, 3 And so it was on the main business Beers, …. of the conference, the election of a new cabinet. As is the custom, Now that conference business was the party leader thanked the entire done, it was time to eat, drink and cabinet for their efforts before be merry. It didn’t take long for the dismissing the lot of them, with the food to be devoured and for the exception of the chief whip who is beer and wine to be drunk. An inside chief whip for life - because it says sourced revealed that at some point so on his party jacket! With that in the evening, having been thrown done, the chief whip then called out of the conference centre for those party members who had rowdy and lewd behaviour, party transgressed or whose actions had members adjourned to a nearby attracted unwarranted attention hostelry to carry on on! And carry from the media to order in front on on, they did - but that’s another of the members to be reprimanded story. in the traditional way. Finally, and after much ale had been handed out Finally, Bonnie would like to thank (as there were a lot of transgressors) Marxist for hosting the party it was time for the main event, conference, Last Tango and her the election of the new cabinet. helpers for arranging and taking The chief whip announced, amidst care of the catering arrangements, Scribe cries of fix, that in the absence of and all the party members who any other nominees, Bonnie would turned up who all helped make it a remain the party leader for at least conference to remember. Until next another year. year….

Bonnie, as party leader, then On On introduced the new cabinet Anon

Anon