Topical Monologue Jokes
On Donuts Featuring Dr. Fauci’s Face: Due to the desperate need for facts and science that’s sweeping the Nation in this Coronavirus time, Dr. Fauci is becoming something of a hero. In fact, CNN reported that donuts featuring Dr. Fauci’s face are becoming a hit in NYC…[graphic]:
Stephen Colbert: Donuts? New York—you couldn’t think of a healthier food for one second while we’re all trying to stay healthy and improve our immune systems? You couldn’t try carving Dr. Fauci’s face into an eggplant? [Colbert NY accent]: “In honor of this man that provided us with medical truth that ultimately saved the nation from entirely dying out from a deadly virus, here’s some diabetes!"
Trevor Noah: People are so into Dr. Fauci right now, it’s crazy. He’s going to become our new mascot, I’m telling you. Like instead of the Easter Bunny, it’ll just be Dr. Fauci sneaking around your house, laying chocolate eggs with his face on them everywhere for you to find. Luckily Christmas will pretty much just be the same: an old white man as the bearer of good things. Fauci isn’t fat like Santa Claus, but after a few of those donuts with his face on them…
On Drake’s kid: Trevor Noah: Drake has finally revealed to the public a picture of his kid on social media. [graphic] Here he is: Adonis Graham. Yes, Drake named his kid Adonis—after the mortal that had sex with Aphrodite. Aphrodite! Goddess of love, beauty, and pleasure! ….I see what you’re doing here, Drake. Touché, Drake. Setting up that kid for success. See in South Africa we do the same thing; we name our children in wishful thinking, basically. …That’s why my mom named me “Most-Handsome-And-Funniest-Man-On-Television.” That’s right. What can I say, it works!
On quarantine homeschooling: Seth Meyers: Due to the Coronavirus quarantine mandating school closures around the country, many parents have turned to homeschooling. Said little Timmy: Okay but can we save anatomy class for….never?
Colbert/Seth: …Many parents have turned to homeschooling. “Okay kids, time for Home Ec class: now go do the dishes, the laundry, and wash my car. …What do you mean that’s just chores? That’s an ‘F’ for you, young man, and you know what an ‘F’ means!!! …..it means clean the gutters.”
Lilly Singh: But if you’re a child of immigrants like me, you know exactly how this is going to go: [Indian accent]: “Oh you want to learn at home? When I was young man in India, smart kids who become doctors learn by reading only book we have. *hands you giant dictionary from 1965* Here, read dictionary from beginning to end. Class dismissed.”
On gas prices: Colbert: Due to the economical effects of the Coronavirus crisis, CNN reported that gas prices have fallen below $2 a gallon on average in the United States. “Honey can you believe it, gas is so cheap, let’s go fill up our tanks!…what? They’re already full because we haven’t been anywhere in 16 days? ….Well do you wanna drive around the block a few times? No? …..I’ve got it! Gimme all your Tupperware! What’s in this vase!? Sorry, who? Grandma? …Think she’d share?” On April Fool’s: Colbert: Today in April Fool’s news…..please don’t.
Today is April Fool’s, folks. The day all fathers expect a heart attack every time their teenage daughters walk into the room. “Dad, I’ve decided to move to Newark and have a baby with my boyfriend, Mario Face Tattoo.”
April Fool’s is usually celebrated around the world on the 1st of April—in France, they celebrate with the Poisson d’Avril, or, the Fish of April—in which the French playfully stick images of fishes around the city or on people’s backs. …Yes. The French idea of a joke is…wearing fish? [Colbert French accent]: “Haw haw, Monsieur, I have a funny joke for you. Knock knock…..you have a fish on you. HAW HAW HAW HAW.”
On President Trump Testing Negative for Coronavirus: Seth Meyers: President Trump’s White House doctor announced last week that Trump has tested negative for the Coronavirus. Said Trump: “Aww too bad. I wanted to give it to Eric.”
Samantha Bee: Said Melania: “Do you care about my desires AT ALL?!?!”
On catching the last flight to propose to your girlfriend: Trevor Noah: A man in Cairo managed to catch one of the last flights ever to Canada—to propose to his girlfriend. Aww….But you know what? I’m not sure it’s really that romantic. His girlfriend is Italian. Can you imagine if he didn’t catch the last flight and got stuck apart from her? Have you SEEN those videos of Italian leaders yelling at their citizens for breaking quarantine? They’re so dramatic. His girlfriend would walk to Cairo with a bag full of flamethrowers.
On the Dean of Tisch: Colbert: Students of the acclaimed acting school NYU Tisch have asked, via email, for tuition money back due to semester complications from the quarantine—and in response, the Dean of the school sent them a denial of their request, but attached a video of herself dancing to the email. [Video]: [Colbert “actor” character]: “My sorrow *dance move* for your loss of your parents’ money *dance move* to me *dance move* can only be expressed *dance move* through….DANCE. *bow* …Thank you for your donation to the Tisch School of Acting.” / Kids….you’re trying to be ACTORS. As a general rule, when you ask people for money, this WILL be their response. I’m just preparing you for the real world. Refillable Desk Piece Bits & Viral Moments
DESK PIECES Concept 1: “Comics That Didn’t Age Well”
Type: Multimedia/visual/recurring
Summary/Intro: To give us a little respite from the weird pop culture content of our current times, I sometimes like to take a look at the pop culture content of other times, and poke it and prod it and generally take it out of context. See, many things get better with time; cheese, wine, even sometimes people. Other things just get a lot worse or a lot weirder—and one of those things is comics. For this we turn to our next segment: "Comics That Didn’t Age Well.”
Examples:
a) In the 1950s, apparently “boner” was another way of saying “massive mistake.” …what a boner this segment is!
b) How slow a news day is it in Gotham that this is the headline? Of course the day before was all about Batman’s Dick [graphic of Dick Grayson].
c) Course this still isn’t as big a boner as the Cats movie… ironically where they edited out all the boners.
a) See here, Aquaman. There’s no excuse for this —you did this on purpose. I’m pretty sure that word meant the same thing back then that it did now. The word “sailor” would have worked just fine!
b) More importantly, are there really enough homeless seamen to warrant raising money to give them a clubhouse? That sounds like an excuse Donald Trump would make to justify spending charity money on only the things he wants: “I know lots of seamen, seamen is a big part of my life. I want to give seamen a place to run freely.” According to PBS, Betty Boop, the popular cartoon character introduced to the world by cartoonist Max Fleischer in 1930, was actually inspired by real-life African American jazz singer and entertainer named Esther Jones. Here’s her comic progression…
a) And if you read it Japanese style—right to left— she turns white and gets a raise.
b) But if you ask me this should have been obvious; no white girl has a butt like that, unless she’s Kim
Kardashian.
Concept 2: “Headlines That Could Be Euphemisms for Sex”
Type: Multimedia/visual/recurring/can be topical
Summary/Intro: There’s nothing like a good sex joke. And if Disney movies have taught us anything, it’s that there’s usually sex in more unexpected places than we think—even the news. A boo is as good as a laugh: I will take both. So here we go: these are “Headlines That Could be Euphemisms for Sex.”
Examples:
a) Alton attorney accidentally sues himself. …but did the attorney sue himself or did he “sue” himself?? Because yeah I accidentally “sue” myself sometimes, I guess, but usually it’s 100% on purpose. ……Also, if you’re looking to hire, I’m very generous: I always work pro bono.
a) Porn star sues over rear-end collision: (Imagine Trevor Noah’s innocent character): Well now this one’s just too easy……the porn star and the guy driving the other car ran into each other with their butts! Ha ha! That’s sexy AND funny! ….What?! Gosh you dirty minded people! Get out of here!” Concept 3: “Writer’s Roast”
Type: Pre-taped segment/personality/etc
Summary/Intro: Writers can be mean. I know mine certainly are. Because I’m their boss! But once in a while I like to flip things around and let them just let loose—let them say whatever it is they need to say about me to get it all out of their systems. Like pointing out the Emperor’s no clothes, but in this case….I have no clothes and am wearing a funny hat on live television. So to this end, I’ve allowed my writers to do a friendly office roast: in which they roast me and make me perform the self-roast to you in our next segment: “Writers Roast.”
NOTE: This will simply become a short monologue in which the host essentially roasts himself. (Ex. Somewhat like SNL’s Weekend Update when Che and Jost write uncomfortable/offensive jokes for each other).
Example: “Good evening everyone. You all know me as Seth Meyers, but the Internet sometimes likes to call me: ‘Damn, B.J. Novak looks like he stayed up all last night drinking snake vodka and watching Tiger King.’ I’m thinking about legally changing my name. Course if I did that, the Internet would start calling this show Late Night with False-Advertising-I’m-Switching-back-to-The-Office-now.” (…so on).
VIRAL MOMENTS Concept 1: “Should Have Said”: Hollywood Blockbusters
Type: Multimedia/celebrity guest/pop-culture topical (to plug a new movie, etc)
Description: This viral moment game is inspired by the improv game “Should have said,” in which a scene is begun (by usually two performers), and when an offer is made by one performer, a third party rings a bell at any time of their choosing—prompting the performer to then offer up a new/different statement. In "Should Have Said: Hollywood Blockbusters,” the host plays a clip from a movie the guest star has been in (either a classic or new movie), and the guest will get to offer up a new line, in character.
Example: (w/ guest Jim Carrey) [CLIP: “The Mask”]: “Look ma, I’m roadkill!! Ha ha ha! Seth: Things you should have said! *DINGS BELL Jim Carrey: Look ma, I’m road pizza! *DING Jim Carrey: Look ma, I’m pavement pancakes! *DING Jim Carrey: Look ma, I’m as flat as a Mike Pence stand up comedy show! *DING Concept 2: “Civilian Impressions”:
Type: Multimedia/consumer-generated content/audience engagement
Description: Think Trevor Noah’s “Moment of Zen” meets Colbert’s “Fan Art Friday”: regular- people impressions. These would be a short, daily clip of a chosen submission by fans of the show doing an impression OF either someone politically relevant (Trump saying something strange that has recently been in the news) or of the host and his correspondents themselves. These can be either great impressions or terrible ones.
Concept 3: Girl Scouts
Type: pre-taped/celebrity/audience engagement/charity?
Description: The host and the guest star go knocking on doors with Girl Scouts helping them sell cookies. This can be done with various relevant charities or simply without.
Concept 4: Colbert is the Tiger King
Type: pre-taped/sketch
Description: Colbert has already entered the VEEP world and become Darrylgorn in Middle Earth (Lord of the Rings saga) and now, while folks consider which actor in Hollywood will make the best casting for the Tiger King movie…The Colbert Show has already found our man: Stephen Colbert himself. SUPREME COURT ZOOM (topical sketch)
Address Phone Number INT. VAGUE LIVING ROOM SEEN INSIDE VIDEO SCREEN - DAY The top half of CHIEF JUSTICE JOHN G ROBERTS, wearing a sharp business suit in lieu of his usual robes, is seen (selfie- mode) in his computer video screen. CHIEF JUSTICE Good morning everyone. ANGLE: small video boxes on the screen with other supreme court justices: R.B.G., CLARENCE THOMAS (picture Kenan), NEIL GORSUCH. CHIEF JUSTICE (CONT'D) Thank you for joining this Zoom meeting. I know that this quarantine time is difficult for the nation and for each and every one of us. But we’re going to try keeping business as usual by still meeting using the means available to us--Sorry, Neil? Neil can you hear me? Neil Gorsuch’s screen is shaking furiously. GORSUCH John? John can you hear me? My nephew gave me this iPad and I can’t seem to--oops! Well now how did that happen? Neil accidentally flips the screen: we see his WIFE in a bathrobe reading the newspaper wearing hair rollers, suddenly looking like a deer in the headlights (Rachel Dratch/Debbie Downer style). She pulls her robe close around her neck. GORSUCH (O.S.) (CONT'D) Sorry honey. Well now how do I put it back on me?... R.B.G. (O.S.) Tap that button that looks like a camera. ANGLE: R.B.G. on her screen, deadlifting weights. R.B.G. (CONT'D) Good MORNING colleagues! It’s an exciting time to be alive, isn’t it? I’ve lived through a lot of things, but a pandemic? Adding that to the Curriculum Vitae. (MORE) 2. R.B.G. (CONT'D) Ruth Bader Ginsberg: supreme court justice, rap god, pandemic warlord. All old Ruthy needs now is a zombie apocalypse and she can finally take over the world!! What’s that thing the kids are saying? Oh yes-- Hashtag NOTORIOUS, byeeeeeeee-- R.B.G. drops her weights and dips out of frame, emerges deadlifting her dog with one hand and eating a full celery batch with the other. Another video box pops up revealing SONIA SOTOMAYOR. SONIA SOTOMAYOR Let’s not talk about death, Ruth. I’m telling you, all I’ve been doing is shopping on Amazon. It’s like a drug! Look at my collection of hand sanitizer: Sonia shows us a giant pile of hand sanitizer. CHIEF Sonia, you’re really not supposed to be hoarding-- Neil’s screen is now zoomed in closely on his wife’s embarrassed, wide-open-eyeballed face (i.e. Debbie Downer) NEIL I want to see--let me see! SONIA SOTOMAYOR Chief, all due respect, but if you could keep your white wrinkly Gringo hands off my hand sanitizer, that would be muy bueno. CHIEF JUSTICE Okay all let’s get to the issue at hand. Now the first topic we have to discuss here-- CLARENCE Have y’all ever watched Outlander? CHIEF What is that, Clarence? CLARENCE Chief I’m telling you -- It is some steamy, historical shit. I never knew a Scottish accent could be so sexy on a man. (MORE) 3. CLARENCE (CONT'D) Everyone in that show is unshowered, unshaved, fully ripped, eatin’ birds with they hands like a black grandma on Popeyes Sundays-- Chief, I’ve cancelled my PornHub subscription! Another screen pops up into the video chat, revealing BRETT KAVANAUGH. BRETT KAVANAUGH Did someone say PornHub? CHIEF JUSTICE Good morning, Justice Kavanaugh. Thanks for joining us in--are...are you drinking beer? It’s 8 in the morning... BRETT KAVANAUGH I LIKE BEER! R.B.G. Well who doesn’t, Brettypants, who doesn’t. Neil Gorsuch finally flips the screen back on himself. NEIL That’s incredibly inappropriate Brett. Neil accidentally presses a button--he now has a Zoom background: a photo of him and Brett Kavanaugh in a state of utter drunkenness, holding bottles of beer. NEIL (CONT'D) Oh no... CHIEF (rolling eyes) Justices--can we please concentrate? Look, I’ll read you the briefs. Let me grab my notes- Chief Justice stands up: we now see his bottom half, on which he wears nothing but tidy-whitey underwear. Everyone stops; silence. The chief sits back down in his chair with the notes and continues like nothing happened. CHIEF (CONT'D) So it says here-- Oh this is the wrong one. Hold on. 4.
Stands up again, we see his underwear again. Silence. CHIEF (O.S.) (CONT'D) God where did I put those briefs? He gets right up in the frame: extreme close up of his underwear. Awkward movements back and forth. CHIEF (O.S.) (CONT'D) Downstairs? HONEY?? Sweetheart can you check for my notes!? SONIA SOTOMAYOR Um, Chief Justice? Dios mio-- NEIL Well now I certainly SEE the briefs... R.B.G. (adjusting her glasses so as to see better) ...Are those dump trucks on the crotch area? Right there, right on the wang-- CLARENCE Woo baby! Now say this in a Scottish accent: “Oy ayyyeee, Sassenach”-- Brett Kavanaugh pulls dollar bills out of his pocket and holds them up to the screen. BRETT KAVANAUGH Oh--natural instinct, sorry. That was stupid. Haha. Ha. Takes a swig of beer, shaking his head, chuckling to himself. BRETT KAVANAUGH (CONT'D) (yelling O.S.) Hey Squee! Squee! Did you see what I just did? Ha ha. Ohhhh... strippers... SONIA SOTOMAYOR John! Juan Glover Roberto Jr.!!! CLARENCE Well. I’m out. Bout to go roll in some dirt and pleasure myself to videos of Sean Connery’s voice. Peace. 5.
BRETT KAVANAUGH Oh we’re done? Cool. (to O.S.) HEY, SQUEE! TAP THAT KEG-- MY MEETING IS OVER--SQUEE! Brett and Clarence get up--they aren’t wearing pants either. SONIA SOTOMAYOR Chief Justice? Would you like me to order you a nice pack of adult underwear appropriate for a man of your stature? Amazon sells them in 30 packs. No Sonia! Amazon is an evil soul-sucking corporation! I need to go clear my mind, maybe order a 40 pack of essential oils on Amazon- NO SONIA!-- NEIL Well, best I start hanging up too-- last week it took me three whole days to figure it out. Now how do I turn this off again...(to O.S.) Honey? Sonia and Neil get up too: no pants, just underwear. 5 video boxes now show the Justices’ respective underwear-- only R.B.G. is left. She takes a shot of powder Emergen-C, takes a bite out of an unpeeled orange, chases it all with straight Bourbon. R.B.G. Bitch-ass kids. You know who you’ll be seein’ at the end of the world? Notorious R.B.G! R.B.G. stands up: instead of underwear, her bottom half is flesh colored and all blurred. CUT TO BLACK. "DO YOU HAVE A DOG?" (weekend update sketch)
Address Phone Number INT. WEEKEND UPDATE DESK - DAY [Note: President Vincenzo de Luca can be replaced with fictional Italian mayor/President.] MICHAEL CHE In response to people breaking quarantine, Italian leaders have been issuing their own warnings via online videos, in which they emotionally yell at their citizens to stay home. To hear his take on the matter in person, we turn to President of Campania Vincenzo de Luca. Mr. de Luca, how are you today? Vincenzo is a big, greying man with the air of mob boss. Every word is deep/quiet/intense, even when laughing. VINCENZO DE LUCA Stop. Che. Che. Stop. Stop. Do not speak. Vincenzo puts one finger sensuously on Michael’s mouth. MICHAEL CHE Oh--uh okay sorry I- VINCENZO DE LUCA Do not look -- no. Do not look at me. Look away. Look there, at this handsome, bell’uomo, (makes perfecto gesture), beautiful girl- man-- MICHAEL CHE What? Oh you mean Colin. VINCENZO DE LUCA (deadpan) Yes. Colin, yum yum. MICHAEL CHE Oh lord. Vincenzo, some of your citizens in Campania aren’t staying inside during this quarantine time. How does that make you feel? 2.
VINCENZO DE LUCA Stop, Che, stop stop. Stop. This.. It makes me feel how you say...it-a make-a me feel-a...like burning down the Vatican...with Pope inside. Eh? You understand? MICHAEL CHE Oh my god--what? It makes you so mad you want to burn down the Vatican and kill the Pope?? Don’t you think that’s a little intense? VINCENZO DE LUCA Stop stop. Che, stop. This..this is not intense. This is normal, in Italia. Italians, we do not feel...simple, mere, pathetic emotions, no no. Stop, Che, stop. Look: boy bring you wrong pasta in restaurant at lunch, si?--He bring you Tagliatelle when you ask for Strozzapreti, eh? Si?? You no get “mad” at boy--no. No. You go to boy’s house. You take his dog, eh?-- MICHAEL CHE Oh no-- VINCENZO DE LUCA Shh-stop, Che, stop. You put his dog inside of car, eh? His Maserati eh? Eh Michael? Sexy Maserati-- MICHAEL CHE Yes yes whatever, everything in Italy is sexy, get back to the dog. VINCENZO DE LUCA You put dog in Maserati,...and you drive Maserati off cliff. MICHAEL CHE Oh my god! VINCENZO DE LUCA Very beautiful, sexy cliffs we have in Italia, eh? Beautiful curves, long green grass on top, flexible and slender like woman’s leg, eh? And car with dog...plummet to death off beautiful cliff. Like dance. Eh, Che? 3.
MICHAEL CHE Jesus Christ!... VINCENZO DE LUCA Stop Che. Stop stop. We do not talk about Jesu like this, eh? Stop. MICHAEL CHE What??? You just said you wanted to kill the Pope with fire and drive a dog off a cliff! VINCENZO DE LUCA Bahhh!!! This is EXPRESSIONE! This is Italiano expressione!! Bahhh, stupido--will never comprendere! This why you no have sexy woman to sex like bellissimo girl-man- MICHAEL CHE What--hey!!! I--okay. I do comprendere, I do. So...so your video has now gone viral because in it you tell Italian citizens considering having graduation parties that you’ll send the police over with flamethrowers. Were you actually going to do that? VINCENZO DE LUCA Che. Stop, eh? I send policia with flamethrowers and ehhhh, we see what happen, eh? Maybe we invite Pope, eh?? Eh Che, funny joke I make - ha ha, eh? MICHAEL CHE Honestly I’m really not sure you’re kidding... VINCENZO DE LUCA Stop, Che, stop. Stop talk, Che. Okay? You don’t insult my joke, okay? Eh? People who insult my joke...bad thing happen to them, okay? Comprendere? Vincenzo pats Michael’s cheek with his hand, chuckling like he’s saying something sweet. MICHAEL CHE Are...are you threatening me, Vincenzo? 4.
VINCENZO DE LUCA (laughing) Ohhhh Che!!! Che Che!!! Sexy dark chocolate Che-- MICHAEL CHE Um okay if anything I’m more like a milk, 60% dark maybe-- VINCENZO DE LUCA Stop Che. Stop stop. Vincenzo stares at Michael, long pause. VINCENZO DE LUCA (CONT'D) ....You have a dog Che? MICHAEL CHE President Vincenzo de Luca everyone! CUT/FADE OUT.