Topical Monologue Jokes On Donuts Featuring Dr. Fauci’s Face: Due to the desperate need for facts and science that’s sweeping the Nation in this Coronavirus time, Dr. Fauci is becoming something of a hero. In fact, CNN reported that donuts featuring Dr. Fauci’s face are becoming a hit in NYC…[graphic]: Stephen Colbert: Donuts? New York—you couldn’t think of a healthier food for one second while we’re all trying to stay healthy and improve our immune systems? You couldn’t try carving Dr. Fauci’s face into an eggplant? [Colbert NY accent]: “In honor of this man that provided us with medical truth that ultimately saved the nation from entirely dying out from a deadly virus, here’s some diabetes!" Trevor Noah: People are so into Dr. Fauci right now, it’s crazy. He’s going to become our new mascot, I’m telling you. Like instead of the Easter Bunny, it’ll just be Dr. Fauci sneaking around your house, laying chocolate eggs with his face on them everywhere for you to find. Luckily Christmas will pretty much just be the same: an old white man as the bearer of good things. Fauci isn’t fat like Santa Claus, but after a few of those donuts with his face on them… On Drake’s kid: Trevor Noah: Drake has finally revealed to the public a picture of his kid on social media. [graphic] Here he is: Adonis Graham. Yes, Drake named his kid Adonis—after the mortal that had sex with Aphrodite. Aphrodite! Goddess of love, beauty, and pleasure! ….I see what you’re doing here, Drake. Touché, Drake. Setting up that kid for success. See in South Africa we do the same thing; we name our children in wishful thinking, basically. …That’s why my mom named me “Most-Handsome-And-Funniest-Man-On-Television.” That’s right. What can I say, it works! On quarantine homeschooling: Seth Meyers: Due to the Coronavirus quarantine mandating school closures around the country, many parents have turned to homeschooling. Said little Timmy: Okay but can we save anatomy class for….never? Colbert/Seth: …Many parents have turned to homeschooling. “Okay kids, time for Home Ec class: now go do the dishes, the laundry, and wash my car. …What do you mean that’s just chores? That’s an ‘F’ for you, young man, and you know what an ‘F’ means!!! …..it means clean the gutters.” Lilly Singh: But if you’re a child of immigrants like me, you know exactly how this is going to go: [Indian accent]: “Oh you want to learn at home? When I was young man in India, smart kids who become doctors learn by reading only book we have. *hands you giant dictionary from 1965* Here, read dictionary from beginning to end. Class dismissed.” On gas prices: Colbert: Due to the economical effects of the Coronavirus crisis, CNN reported that gas prices have fallen below $2 a gallon on average in the United States. “Honey can you believe it, gas is so cheap, let’s go fill up our tanks!…what? They’re already full because we haven’t been anywhere in 16 days? ….Well do you wanna drive around the block a few times? No? …..I’ve got it! Gimme all your Tupperware! What’s in this vase!? Sorry, who? Grandma? …Think she’d share?” On April Fool’s: Colbert: Today in April Fool’s news…..please don’t. Today is April Fool’s, folks. The day all fathers expect a heart attack every time their teenage daughters walk into the room. “Dad, I’ve decided to move to Newark and have a baby with my boyfriend, Mario Face Tattoo.” April Fool’s is usually celebrated around the world on the 1st of April—in France, they celebrate with the Poisson d’Avril, or, the Fish of April—in which the French playfully stick images of fishes around the city or on people’s backs. …Yes. The French idea of a joke is…wearing fish? [Colbert French accent]: “Haw haw, Monsieur, I have a funny joke for you. Knock knock…..you have a fish on you. HAW HAW HAW HAW.” On President Trump Testing Negative for Coronavirus: Seth Meyers: President Trump’s White House doctor announced last week that Trump has tested negative for the Coronavirus. Said Trump: “Aww too bad. I wanted to give it to Eric.” Samantha Bee: Said Melania: “Do you care about my desires AT ALL?!?!” On catching the last flight to propose to your girlfriend: Trevor Noah: A man in Cairo managed to catch one of the last flights ever to Canada—to propose to his girlfriend. Aww….But you know what? I’m not sure it’s really that romantic. His girlfriend is Italian. Can you imagine if he didn’t catch the last flight and got stuck apart from her? Have you SEEN those videos of Italian leaders yelling at their citizens for breaking quarantine? They’re so dramatic. His girlfriend would walk to Cairo with a bag full of flamethrowers. On the Dean of Tisch: Colbert: Students of the acclaimed acting school NYU Tisch have asked, via email, for tuition money back due to semester complications from the quarantine—and in response, the Dean of the school sent them a denial of their request, but attached a video of herself dancing to the email. [Video]: [Colbert “actor” character]: “My sorrow *dance move* for your loss of your parents’ money *dance move* to me *dance move* can only be expressed *dance move* through….DANCE. *bow* …Thank you for your donation to the Tisch School of Acting.” / Kids….you’re trying to be ACTORS. As a general rule, when you ask people for money, this WILL be their response. I’m just preparing you for the real world. Refillable Desk Piece Bits & Viral Moments DESK PIECES Concept 1: “Comics That Didn’t Age Well” Type: Multimedia/visual/recurring Summary/Intro: To give us a little respite from the weird pop culture content of our current times, I sometimes like to take a look at the pop culture content of other times, and poke it and prod it and generally take it out of context. See, many things get better with time; cheese, wine, even sometimes people. Other things just get a lot worse or a lot weirder—and one of those things is comics. For this we turn to our next segment: "Comics That Didn’t Age Well.” Examples: a) In the 1950s, apparently “boner” was another way of saying “massive mistake.” …what a boner this segment is! b) How slow a news day is it in Gotham that this is the headline? Of course the day before was all about Batman’s Dick [graphic of Dick Grayson]. c) Course this still isn’t as big a boner as the Cats movie… ironically where they edited out all the boners. a) See here, Aquaman. There’s no excuse for this —you did this on purpose. I’m pretty sure that word meant the same thing back then that it did now. The word “sailor” would have worked just fine! b) More importantly, are there really enough homeless seamen to warrant raising money to give them a clubhouse? That sounds like an excuse Donald Trump would make to justify spending charity money on only the things he wants: “I know lots of seamen, seamen is a big part of my life. I want to give seamen a place to run freely.” According to PBS, Betty Boop, the popular cartoon character introduced to the world by cartoonist Max Fleischer in 1930, was actually inspired by real-life African American jazz singer and entertainer named Esther Jones. Here’s her comic progression… a) And if you read it Japanese style—right to left— she turns white and gets a raise. b) But if you ask me this should have been obvious; no white girl has a butt like that, unless she’s Kim Kardashian. Concept 2: “Headlines That Could Be Euphemisms for Sex” Type: Multimedia/visual/recurring/can be topical Summary/Intro: There’s nothing like a good sex joke. And if Disney movies have taught us anything, it’s that there’s usually sex in more unexpected places than we think—even the news. A boo is as good as a laugh: I will take both. So here we go: these are “Headlines That Could be Euphemisms for Sex.” Examples: a) Alton attorney accidentally sues himself. …but did the attorney sue himself or did he “sue” himself?? Because yeah I accidentally “sue” myself sometimes, I guess, but usually it’s 100% on purpose. ……Also, if you’re looking to hire, I’m very generous: I always work pro bono. a) Porn star sues over rear-end collision: (Imagine Trevor Noah’s innocent character): Well now this one’s just too easy……the porn star and the guy driving the other car ran into each other with their butts! Ha ha! That’s sexy AND funny! ….What?! Gosh you dirty minded people! Get out of here!” Concept 3: “Writer’s Roast” Type: Pre-taped segment/personality/etc Summary/Intro: Writers can be mean. I know mine certainly are. Because I’m their boss! But once in a while I like to flip things around and let them just let loose—let them say whatever it is they need to say about me to get it all out of their systems. Like pointing out the Emperor’s no clothes, but in this case….I have no clothes and am wearing a funny hat on live television.