Trip of a lifetime

Nothing could help Decca Aitkenhead process her grief after her husband drowned in Jamaica. Until returned there for a mushroom retreat

Photographs by Abbie Townsend I Hopkins University Medicine in Schoolof for Psychedelic Research, followed by Johns London launchedthe world’s first Centre disorders. Last year, ImperialCollege compulsive disorder, addictionsandeating post-traumatic stress disorder, obsessive- patients sufferingfrom depression, anxiety, across North America andEurope on trialled inleadinguniversity hospitals psychedelic ingredient, iscurrently being movement. Psilocybin, mushrooms’ active anewemergence psychedelic of medical Michael Pollan’s 2018 bestseller aboutthe Then Iread How to Change Your Mind, mushrooms, Ithoughthe was joking. nothing seemsto have helped. therapy, yoga —even veganism —but worse shapethanIpretend to be. Ihave tried I conceal it well, but know I’m in considerably my while insidefeelingblank. oldself Ithink disconnected from the world, impersonating cancer. Widowhood hasleftmefeeling them andcan’t escapetheshadow of now, I’m haunted by orphaning fear of for acity they loathed. Although inremission rural family home, which my sonsloved, for breast cancer, andhadto abandonour double mastectomy andchemotherapy ocean riptide. A year later Iunderwent a rescuing our four-year-old sonfrom an imploded when my partner drowned after catastrophic traumas.of In2014 my life a truly terrible idea. orregret. wretched with here was Coming I have never feltmore nauseousor isolated, turns outonly to make matters worse. co-ordination,Herculean challenge of and getting there from my sunlounger isa only ismy refuge Icanthink of bed, but lying onthelawn resembles acorpse. The be levitating onthe wall. The fellow guest turned into aneeriestatueandappears to garden look sinister andmenacing. Onehas now Iknow. An hour psilocybin, ago Itook 9gof and what abadpsychedelic trip would belike. deathly andhostile. I’d always wondered attic. Wherever Iturn, everything isugly, 16 m serviceshroo Above: vary doses according to body according to body • The Sunday Times Magazine size, drug history size, drughistory When afriendsuggested magic I’m inJamaica to try to process aseries members dotted around the The staff and emotional and emotional constitution tropical garden into MissHavisham’s transforming thisbeautifullush ghostly white sheer netting, around mehasbeendraped ina food poisoningcombined. Everything chemotherapy, morningsicknessand until thenauseais worse than in terminally alone. A dragging sickness have my stomach grows insistent, never feltsosick, abandonedor

ight: D Right: FOREST BATHING a moment of calm a momentofcalm resort inJamaica resort MycoMeditations reflection at the ecca enjoys ecca

standard luxury resort comes when our china. The only cluethatthisisn’t your retreat staff we dine by candlelightonfine middle-aged or retired, and with seven are eightother guestsfrom America, mostly turquoise Caribbeansea.cliché of There opulent villas overlookinga stringof a in December Idraw up with afriendat mushroom facility, MycoMeditations, and group onapsilocybin retreat. docu-series for — which follows a ’s new “wellness” GoopLab— look nofurther thanThe “shrooms” are becomingmore mainstream, year. further were proof And if neededthat England and Wales took hallucinogens last menand0.4%1% of women of aged 16-59 in their life. According to Home Officedata, the five mostmeaningful experiences of and the vast majority rank psilocybin oneof enduring psychological transformations, astonishing. Patients report miraculousand studies. Results sofar have been for “psychedelic andconsciousness” Baltimore, which unveiled itsown centre I signedupfor a week atamagic shout athimproperly. “You think wiggling doing now, thisisthe work.” another good hour atleast. What you’re a lot.” trauma; it’s your mushrooms.” at takingdrugs! This nauseaisn’t my the trauma within me. “But I’m really good “Uh-huh. Yup.dead?” youwere Wishing done.” He smiles, supremely unfazed. “I hate you. This isthe worst thingI’ve ever appears atmy bedside. “Eric,” Igroan. working for me. head —andpsilocybin very definitely isn’t disperse to our designated triplocations. 9g for me, we glugdown thepillsand more thaneveryone else. Ericrecommends anaesthetic or hair dye, Ialways seemto need won’t bebigenough. Whether it’s dental constitution. My only worry ismy first dose size, drugexperience andemotional our optimalstarter dosesaccording to body Osborne, goes round thecircle calculating psilocybin, theretreat director, Eric fat grey capsules, eachcontaining0.5g of cleanse thistimeisthrilling. adeeper psychichad ahoot;thepromise of mushrooms recreationally years ago, and butler. It allfeltpromisingly fun. I’d taken hand-rolled atdawn every day by the spliffs told containsalimitlesssupply of sideboard,the on case which we were attention isdrawn to anantiquesilver I struggleto situp, tangledinsheets, to “We couldtry somenostril-movement.” “This isn’t work, you lunatic!” He studiesme. “By you, thelooksof “How muchlonger will thislast?” “Yeah,” henods, smiling. “I hear that He says I feelsick becauseI’m purging “I have literally longed for nothingelse.” It mustbearound sunset when Eric And now here Iam, completelymy off The following day, holdingaplastictubof

Picture credit to go here

abbie townsend for the sunday times magazine MycoMeditations amedically unqualified, newspaper ran afront-page story branding health expert. Lastmonth, aJamaican or soundlike anyone’s amental ideaof a deepSoutherndrawl, Eric doesn’t look he fears abacklash. but asMycoMeditations’ profile grows its accidentalstatusasapsilocybin leader, potential for thecountry to capitaliseon the Jamaican government will seethe willing to pay upto $11,000. He hopes booked, guests with along waiting listof he ran 12retreats; this year, 36are already rocketing international demand. In2018, market leader butstillcan’t keep pace with MycoMeditations, foundedby Eric, isthe global meccafor magicmushroom retreats; oversight, theislandhasnow becomea outlawing it. Thanks to thislegislative because nogovernment ever got round to hallucinogen islegal inJamaica only every country ontheplanet, the fears aboutpsilocybin. Prohibited inalmost unhappy first dose would confirmalltheir pack my here. bagandget outof wobbly to walk. Comedawn, Idecide, I will like adecomposingrodent andlegs too I wake with abangingheadache, amouth Finally, thankfully, Ifallasleep. At 2am, first trips go liketimes; upto athird of this. death. Ericsays he’s seenthisallathousand The nauseagets sooverwhelming Ibegfor hallucinogenic visuals are stillgrotesque. Are you insane? You’re useless.” rootling around.”on theground andkindof war. What elsehave you got?” well tell meto bringapenknifeto anuclear my nostrilsisgoing to help? You mightas A former teacher from Kentucky, with To MycoMeditations’ critics, my Every timeIopenmy eyes, the “You want meto pretend to beabadger? “Well, you couldtry getting onallfours the world,impersona old selfwhileinsidefeeling feeling disconnec blank. No Widowhood hasleftme thing hashelped ted from ting my O inclined to agree. by my theendof first trip, I’d have been demand thatMyco becloseddown. Frankly, psychiatristsa body ispreparing to of continues to rage, flamed by rumours that psilocybin. Yet inJamaica, thecontroversy California, have effectively decriminalised Denver,of Colorado, andOakland, reduced in America. Sincethen, thecities mushrooms to be legal classificationof harmful drugs to society” andcalledfor the stated that theleast “psilocybin isoneof scientists atJohns Hopkins who, in2018, to mentalhealth. His views are backed by that psilocybin posesnolong-term threat national TV to try to reassure Jamaicans recklessly “high-risk rave”. Erichadto go on cardboard cut-out separate from the to hear him say: “I feel empty, a like tremulous tone, andnooneissurprised it findsitself. He talksinahalting, always rather beanywhere than wherever and hisbody looksasthoughit would human pain. Mike can’t make eye contact, artist’s pure, impression of unadulterated guest isMike, just25, who resembles an than adad”. The most nakedly troubled to whom hefeels “more like astepfather describes hispreschool sons as “terrorists” looks like asuccessstory onpaper, too, but self-doubt andremorse. privatelyunresolved wrestling with another middle-aged highachiever me, I’m introuble.” A venture capitalist is exposed. peopleknow“If thetruthabout terrified thathisinnate badness willbe alcohol andpills, disgusted by shame, loathing. Insecret heself-medicates on self- bonhomie concealsalifetimeof “had a wonderful life”, buthisjokey “achieved things” alotof andostensibly brought joy.” An airlinepilothassimilarly I have hadasuccessfullife. Butithasn’t manifested inanger against the world. “a general sadnessandunhappiness that’s taken drugs before. minded, scientificsensibility, andhave not Married for 37 years, they share asober- about psilocybin after reading Pollan’s book. is aretired pathologistintellectually curious angst abouther mortality;her husband, Jay, biology teacher, here to resolve existential the youngest inthegroup. Paula isaretired “facilitators”, Justin, D MycoMeditations There’s apsychiatrist, Simon, who A retired computer engineer describes ecca duringatrip ecca inner visions ne of the Oneofthe Left: checks inwith from SanFrancisco calledMike, I’m 25-year-old advertising executive experiences. a With theexception of gather for “integration” to discussour n themorningafter our first dose, we

The Sunday Times Magazine •17 p aradise found enjoy finedining B B resort’s idyllic surroundings. surroundings. ottom: guests ottom: guests elow, top: the

living experience, like an empty cadaver.” for the next party tomorrow!” To pretend longer. For the past five years it’s taken To my surprise, everyone else seems to my experience had been anything more “today I have lived through almost nothing to tip me over the edge: a have had a positive experience with their meaningful than a good laugh feels broken heel, a mislaid key. It’s been like first dose. I discover that my friend had ludicrous. It is only that night in bed that I the second world war. driving around in a car with no suspension. ditched the suggested black eye mask and realise I haven’t laughed like that in years. In Suddenly, to my children’s amazement, I Johns Hopkins classical playlist and had fact, my 10-year-old son has a codeword he My husband has been have new shock absorbers, and the minor been having a ball dancing to reggae on the whispers whenever my mirth sounds provocations of daily life no longer pitch beach with assorted facilitators. This inauthentic to him. “FL” stands for “fake off having sex with me into despair. This unfamiliar serenity is confirms all my suspicions that Eric is laugh” — and it’s true more often than even severely tested within days of my return, talking mumbo jumbo about my trip when he knows. Authentic laughter feels like a everyone — in his heaD” when a fraudster tricks me into emptying he says the mushrooms had forced me to language I once knew how to speak but had all my bank accounts into his. For seven confront my fundamental belief that I’m thought forgotten for ever, and now I can people close, it has achieved precisely the days I have £80 in the world to my name, alone and unwell in the world. I think it just giggle again like a child. I feel closer to both opposite effect. Everyone can sense the and no idea if the bank will refund me — yet proved that taking drugs in pitch darkness Eric and my friend following our trip inauthenticity of the performance and I’m more sanguine about the calamity than without your mates is a stupid idea. He asks together than I have to anyone since the day smell a rat, and as a consequence I’ve I was last time I lost my phone. us all to sum up our “takeaway” from the I was widowed. As we laze about on the ended up much lonelier — not to mention The future has assumed a new reality experience. Mine’s easy: “Never again.” I beach chatting and swimming, I try to work very bored. Good manners do not in which I can actually believe. Having grudgingly agree to give the mushrooms out how far this is down to the mushrooms. generate intimacy, and in the coming weeks spent five years managing nothing more one more go, but only if my friend and I are Psilocybin reduces brain activity in an I experiment with my new bolshier self and ambitious than simply clinging on, allowed to trip together. Eric agrees, and area of the brain known as the default- discover relationships becoming instantly a new-found fuel of and optimism even offers to dose with us. mode network, or “me-network”, which richer and more interesting. I also find my sees me making plans. In the first week After we’ve all been dosed with even more ruminates and worries and is often domestic fuse has grown much, much alone after coming back from the retreat, psilocybin than last time — 12g in my case hyperactive in people suffering from I put in an offer on a house, look for a better — Eric leads us to a lawn two villas away depression. By closing down this area — or school for my son and make all sorts of from everyone else. I lie on the grass in the “dissolving the ego”, in Eric’s words — other changes that had previously felt sunshine and assume the brace position. An psilocybin allows the brain to activate new SHROOM FACTS impossibly daunting. But the biggest hour later I’m still waiting for the horror to group therapy hugging it out experience that makes new sense of her pathways, enabling the patient to break old surprise of all involves sugar. Ever since show up. Puzzled, I turn to Eric, who is Above: an Below, top: Decca difficult relationship with her mother. patterns of thinking and ingrained habits WHERE ARE THEY FROM? my mother died when I was nine, my hugging a tree. “Is the apocalypse still on its “integration” with Zoe, one of the While Paula had been in Finland, Jay had of mind. (The mental health conditions There are about 200 psilocybin-containing relationship with chocolate has been a way?” Then to my surprise, I start to giggle session, where facilitators who look been seeing vaginas in the trees. “Lots of psilocybin categorically cannot treat are or “magic” mushroom species, found on textbook case of addiction; I wake up and the next eight hours are more fun than I experiences are after the guests. general vulva imagery everywhere,” he bipolar disorder and schizophrenia, because every continent bar Antarctica. In Europe, craving Dime bars and salted caramel have had in more than 20 years. We laugh so shared. From left: Bottom: Jay, a reports. “Basically sexual images for the of a risk of psychosis.) the small, potent liberty cap mushroom is KitKats, and every corner shop I pass much I think my ribs will crack — and Zoe, Seamus, retired pathologist, entire time. I went back and forth between Eric cautions that the final dose may not the most common. seems to be staffed by an invisible siren couldn’t care less if they do. Eric keeps Eric Osborne, and his wife, Paula, being male and female. I don’t know if that prove as ecstatic as the second, but it is screaming, “We have Maltesers, come in!” trying to get off with trees, and forages on all Decca, Justin a retired teacher means I’m very shallow, or very well even better. Music has never sounded more ARE THEY LEGAL? A normal relationship with Cadbury’s has fours, indeed like a badger. I discover that grounded. I was basically having super- magical. Sublime bliss suffuses my entire In the UK, magic mushrooms are a class-A been as unimaginable to me as the idea dancing on my back with my arms and legs orgasmic sex and it was very nice. It wasn’t being, pulsing light and love. As we sprawl drug. It’s illegal to possess them, give them of stopping after two glasses of pinot to in the air is exquisitely joyful. specific, just random, like a porn film.” on the grass watching the sun hover over away or sell them. Possession can lead to an alcoholic. Now, miraculously, the “Eric,” I gasp between gales of giggles. Mike is unrecognisable. His voice no the horizon, the lilting charm of Bobby seven years in jail, an unlimited fine or both. psilocybin has silenced the sirens. I don’t “You can’t seriously tell me this is going to longer quivers, his features have loosened, McFerrin’s Don’t Worry, Be Happy dissolves suddenly hate chocolate. I just like it like a make a whit of difference to my inner his limbs have relaxed and his eyes shine. us all into wondrous peace. Without a HOW DO YOU TAKE THEM? normal person does. psyche. Let’s be honest; we’re not ‘taking Overnight he has turned into a startlingly doubt, one of the best days of my life. They are consumed in many ways: fresh or Taking psilocybin feels like being medicine’ or ‘doing work’. I mean, look at us! handsome young man. Both trips had been dried, brewed into a tea or ground up in restored to factory settings; or to the self We’re just having fun taking drugs.” Eric “very positive”, he beams, “and my fter the retreat we all keep in touch, and food. They can make you feel giggly, I used to know before everything went grins gnomically. “You think?” takeaway is: it doesn’t have to be that hard. everyone reports feeling fundamentally euphoric, connected to people and nature horribly wrong. I’m forced to concede that I’m still giggling when I totter back to my Just say yes to joy. It’s as easy as that. It’s all altered — “More connected and joyful.” around you, energised and excited. “Bad Eric was right about my first dose; I really room through the dark and run into Jay OK.” The simplicity stuns him. Mike says: “It’s no exaggeration to say trips” can occur — symptoms include was “doing the work”, purging myself of and Paula. “Are you OK?” Paula asks, her But it is Simon, the psychiatrist, who that, thanks to the retreat, I have to nausea, chills, vomiting, headaches, sedimentary layers of trauma. He was right, expression full of sympathetic concern. steals the show. An unremarkable-looking Arethink everything I thought to be true paranoia, anxiety and panic. too, that what I’d mistaken for frivolous fun “I’ve been so worried about how today’s middle-aged man, he reveals a jaw-dropping about the world.” Simon separates from his had been a profound reconnection with been for you.” “Never felt better in my life,” catalogue of childhood trauma — his wife, but says: “The odd thing is that in many ARE THEY SAFE? the possibility of joy. For that matter, he’s I beam, then notice Paula isn’t looking too mother’s rape and suicide, his gay father’s ways my life is really a lot better now.” Jay and Psilocybin can trigger been right about everything. I had teased good. “Today I have lived,” she trembles, death from Aids, his own stroke and Paula’s marriage has been fortified by psychosis, particularly if taken him by addressing him as “Guru”, but by dissolving into tears, “through the war. paralysis at 15 — all compounded by a “heightened spiritual connection”. in large quantities. Yet of the now it no longer feels facetious. As the I have lived through the collective trauma “predatory, reptilian attorney” who’d tried I’m thrilled for all of them, but still 12,000 people who said they Sunday Times’s chief interviewer, it’s my of the Second World War. He’s been just to sue him for the death of a patient, leaving convinced I’ve taken home nothing more had taken magic job to meet impressive people, but I don’t fine, though,” she adds, pointing to her him feeling “raped in court”. All this, Simon significant or enduring than the memory mushrooms in the 2016 think I’ve ever interviewed anyone wiser or husband, who is looking rather sheepish. speculates, might explain why the previous of two unforgettable parties. We’re advised Global Drug Survey, just more humane than Eric. “He’s been off having sex with everyone day he’d needed to ask a 6ft 6in facilitator, to be mindful of everything our brains 0.2% said they needed I stop thinking of all the people I know — in his head!” plus the Jamaican nurse, to both lie on him process, and to keep a journal of our emergency medical care who would benefit from a retreat when Integration in the morning is as gripping while he had writhed and twisted, thoughts. I’ll be far too busy for all that, afterwards, a rate at least I realise it would be quicker to think of as a thriller. Paula holds us spellbound as convinced his body was expelling a dragon. I think — so am completely unprepared to five times lower than SDL , anyone who wouldn’t, and can’t come up she describes being transported during the By all accounts it had been a sensational find myself scribbling down notes at 2am in cocaine, MDMA and alcohol, with a single name. “They say it’s like 10 war back to Finland, where her family had spectacle, one I’m secretly very bed, as epiphanies keep bubbling up. and three times lower than years of therapy in a week,” Paula confided lived. Bombs are raining down, Russian disappointed to have missed. Ever since being widowed, I realise weed. The larger risk is as we were saying our goodbyes. “But that’s soldiers are advancing; they will die if they Compared to everyone else’s trip, by now I’ve gone to exhausting lengths not to eating the wrong type of not true at all. It’s worth at least 20 years.” n stay. Paula convulses with sobs, alternating mine seems almost embarrassingly alienate anyone’s goodwill, by being mushroom — which between English and Finnish, shaken to her frivolous. When it’s my turn to read out my indiscriminately nice and polite, pretending could prove fatal. More information: mycomeditations.com; core but divining significance in the “takeaway”, all I’ve written is “Can’t wait a l amy magazine, times the sunday for abbie townsend to be a Good Girl. Instead of keeping psychedelicsociety.org.uk

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