Five-Sided Smile A COLLECTION OF SHORT AND NOT-SO SHORT STORIES BY CRAIG CAVANAGH STORY 1 Doing God’s Work In a police station that could be any and probably is, DC Carson and DS Vaughan are interviewing someone just brought in by the foot people. He was found stand- ing over a corpse with a small exKGB issue pistol which even the most dubious criminologist in the world would suggest was the murder weapon. Initial tests have concluded that the victim was unknown to the accused and the crime ap- pears to be motiveless. What gets our two guardians of law and order’s noses up is that the accused, at least at the moment, feels no remorse for his actions. The pair have had to temporarily leave the interview room as Vaughan’s patience was beginning to wear thin and in these moments only his friends Messers. Dunhill and Nescafé can tranquillise that innate cop instinct. Carson nods, suggesting that it’s time to go back and, drawing a deep breath, Vaughan enters followed by Car- son. Carson begins the tape, announcing the date and time and embarks on a new line of questioning: “Please then, tell me in your own words, how you came to be in the vicinity of the crime, and what you knew about the deceased. You mentioned something about God” Carson patiently began. “Something about God?” responded the accused almost breaking into a laugh, “Well, the way I see it is, that God and, of course, religion is pretty subjective. Do you not think? In my case I’ve been around for more than a while and I’ve seen the changes. Anyway, I’m sure you boys know what I’m talking about as God’s company has gone through a similar diversification process to that of your own good force. Take if you will as an example Marks and Spencer’s, it’s come a long way since the days of the stand in the street and why? Because it has had to move forward and God has done the same. The business isn’t now like it was in what lamentably are known as the good old days, so we’ve had to plan and change our plans to get bums on seats and move into the twenty-first century. 1 Obviously, as a result of that diversification process, people within the company have now more clearly defined roles, there is a company structure and everyone knows what their department is.” He continued “My department for example is linked to maintenance, but it’s not like M&S in too many senses, you know, we don’t have problems with inter- company gossiping, back stabbing or worrying about promotion, the mere fact that you have been chosen is enough and you are proud and honoured to do your job, well, God’s work, the best you can. What greater job satisfaction can there be than knowing you are doing God’s work? what can other companies of- fer you? Money? Flash Motor? Villa in the Caribbean? Hardly the same is it?” Car- son and Vaughan are quite clear on how they would wish for their professional gratification to be materialised. They continue to let him speak as they still have yet to hear anything that might constitute making sense. “So yeah, my department is, I’ll admit, not one of the most glamorous, but you get what you’re given and accept your lot. Of course there are times when I feel weak and fantasise about being in the Messages and Acceptance Department, or even Gospel Marketing, but they know who is the best fellow for each post and the moment passes. Then I realise that I am lucky and in some ways I do work for the other departments as I make their jobs easier by doing my own well. But I’m sure you aren’t overly interested in the omnigram of the company. My role, osten- sibly, is one of mopping up, so to speak. God, as you know, is a reasonable boss, no doubt like your own Chief Constable, but his patience has a limit and that’s when I come in. Obviously, the blueprints for the human being are a design mas- terpiece, but just like in theory every Audi A4 comes out perfect we all know some don’t. Get my drift?” The two law enforcement officers looked at each other blankly and the accused takes this as a cue to continue. “So, every now and again, well bloody often if you ask me, one slips through the net, and I have to, shall we say, maintain standards, that is, eliminate. Problem is these days is with the diversification, we’ve got all these quality control people in and things aren’t the same as they used to be, so much paperwork, procedures arghh! sometimes it’s the bane of my life. But, I understand that we don’t want the fallout if things go wrong. But in the old days you just got out you did your job and went about your merry little way, nowadays these do-gooders are taking a lot of the enjoyment out of it.” Vaughan’s patience is beginning to wane and it seems inevitable that Mr. Phillip Morris’ profits will rise a little. As he goes to leave, Carson takes the initiative. 2 “That’s all very interesting sir, but what does it have to do with you standing over a young woman’s corpse with a smoking revolver in your hand, a revolver I might add that is difficult to get hold of in this country and would this have any- thing to do with the dwarf who was shot last month?” “Well I was getting to that” replied the accused. Looking unkindly towards Carson, his monologue continued “The dwarf was an assignment, like all my as- signments, a person with one too many defects that the boss could not put up with any more, so he sent me a message. That’s how I find out about my assign- ments, messages. At first I didn’t know what it meant, as a nine figure number kept appearing before me in the strangest places. I’ll admit in those days I wasn’t the good citizen I am today, and religious, phwahhh not me at all, never set foot in a church, wouldn’t have been seen dead in one. So I’m getting these funny mes- sages when I work out it’s a phone number so I give it a whirl, turns out it’s some bloke I’d never met and I just blurb out a few excuses and hang up. But this goes on for about four months and I’m getting other phone numbers and letters through the post with names on business cards, I’m also strangely attracted to the local church and go almost every day. I’ve lost all interest in my job and even- tually hand in my notice, I know something is going on but can’t put my finger on it. Then I get a visit, completely against the rules a visit, these days you’d never get one, too risky, they’d have to let you go. But with me they wanted me and were prepared to bend the rules a little.” “What kind of visit” asked Vaughan ruing the new no-smoking policy at the sta- tion. “An angel, no less, can you believe it? She didn’t really say anything, she didn’t have to, just looking at her I understood and knew what I had to do. Next time I got a message it was down to work. I understood it was important not to rush the first job, take my time and make sure it was done well. So this time I didn’t phone him, just got the number and found out where he lived and watched his routine for a while. It was quite exciting to be honest, almost felt like I was in one of those films the boss doesn’t like. So when I knew the time was right, thud!! with a golf club on the back of the head, 4 wood if I remember rightly, thought that would do him in one, but he was moaning around needed another two to fin- ish the job. I mean there were things I still didn’t understand, but I knew what my task was. Then as I got better and more efficient I began to work out the ins and outs of the defect policy and what my role was. You see, although I largely work in an independent fashion the department has many specialists for many different fields of maintenance, from the early days they had me in one of the most prestig- ious and at the same difficult departments, Physical Non-Compliance, the way it works is simple.” He drew breath and took a sip of rip off Coca Cola they had given him and continued. 3 “God, in his wisdom and patience, gives most characters 18 years to comply physically, which we should clarify refers to the aesthetic. Failures in other physi- cal areas are taken away much sooner, but that’s a different department and not something I can comment on. Aesthetic failures are common in the early period of the life cycle, so therefore, we allow a period of grace, sorry, it’s hard not to laugh when I say that, until 18 and if things such as ginger hair, stutters, limps, un- even ears or wonky eyes are not straightened out then it’s time to go to work.