The Cord Weekly
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WLUSU ABLE TO PHYSICS STUDENT ONLY ONE SEX-CRAZED FIGHT BACK AGAINST PAUL DAWSON HEAD MAKES UNFAIR CORD KILLER LOOSE OR SALMAN BIZ CUT: T.A. JOURNALISM / IN A.C./AlB (tee hee hee, it's the Joke issue) RUSHDIE IC3 STUNNED 189 Metro Weather Thursday Horrid Rain Showers. March 30, 1989 High 80C. 39.5 CENTS Details somewhere ( (higher outside Metro Trawna Car lights on 8.02 a.m. today THE TRAWNA STAH and surrounding cesspools) p.m. tomorrow and off 7.35 Established 2 189 Top of the News Brady THE WORLD | Pope John Paul II calls for an end to restrictive hemlines, col- TRAGEDYAT SEA lars and other Catholic habits. A 2 killing Salman Rushdie reported vaca- tioning at Graceland in Nashville, iceberg Tennessee. A3 Aird Centre hit by Bob Barker, to control U.S. ended spays or perkiness epidemic By Anthony Perkins neuters modelling crew. A entire 4 students killed Trawna Stah Enquirer editor Music National 523 The Brady Bunch has been ar- Jimmy sues Mary Tyler Abrake rested in connection with a spate for false accusations. A Moore 6 By Nick Adams Trawna Stah of random killings which oc- Columbian coffee-growing curred in the North-west United spokesman Juan Valdez dies Hundreds of music students were killed Mon- States. tragically in Bogota, Columbia day as the John Black Aird Centre smashed into an 12 semi-nude and wildly volcano eruption but "Pancho" iceberg and sank during the early morning fog. mutilated bodies were found over his trusty burro is unharmed. Al4 "It was goddamned horrible," said tuba player the past two months in the Seattle ~ MacPherson, to his in- area, and in the resort district in | THE NATION Norm who floated safety on strument case while clarinet players and flutists the interior. The crimes were Glen Sather & Peter Pockling- sank to their dooms around him. "Thank God for reminiscent of the infamous Ted ton close sale of Edmonton Oiler the tuba," MacPherson added as he was carried off Bundy killings of the seventies. team to BillBallard's dad. B1 on a stretcher to be treatedfor hypothermia. The Bradies became suspects 523 students are missing and presumed dead after Greg Brady was seen near CTV News guru Mike Duffy after the tragedy. Four music students, all tuba one of the kill sites in a car which unviels book "How to Take 10 in- players, were able to float to safety before the suc- matched a description given by a ches off your Chin in a Week" B3 tion from the building's sinking pulled everyone woman who had been left for else to their dooms. dead by the Brady clan, but sur- 100 Huntley Street announces "It's a horrible tragedy," Dean of Students Fred vived the brutal attack. move; 1000's sending money to Nichols said, "and the craziest thing I've seen in all "Hey, I wasn't even near any new Communist headquarters. B5 my years here. The old Athletic Centre's boiler of those places," said Greg Brady, and melted down once and radioactively sterilized the "me Marsha were just out Brian Mulroney faces critics around entire visiting Western women's volleyball team, driving looking for an ice over $300,000 spent on new Ca- cream shop." but, is unprecedented." nadian Shield. 813 golly, this The university officials were equally shocked entire family has been ar- Other charged Elizabeth Manley unveils plans the Aird incident. The WLU Association rested and with the by Faculty twelve for CBC Radio series called: "I expressed regrets that so much potential classroom murders. "We have reason to believe that Alice the May Not Be Thin, But I'm Not A space faculty meetings had been lost, while uni- for Housekeeper is the ringleader. Triple Sawchow" B7 John Weir was unavailable for versity President Her butcher boyfriend seems to "I guess aggrieved, comment, as usual. he's but have supplied all of the. knives THEPROVINCE who really knows?" said W'ir's secrcuu} Donna and stuff for the killings and dis Former Stah editor Snoop Dixon. memberments," said Sergeant Jim is designated the nexi WLUSU President Karen Bird expressed sin- iYiiiorig Rock of the Seattle Police. cere regret over the incident, and a special Sunday permanent guest on Front Page "I've never seen anything like Challenge, replacing Allen pull-out of the Stah will appear this week-end to it in all my years in police work, Fotheringham. contain it. and I've seen stuff that would Faculty of Music representatives could not be make you poop green," added David Peterson lashes out at reached because they all went down with the Aird Police Commissioner Stah for recent editorial report building. Todd "Bubba" Worrell, a member of the Seattle Gordon. card; makes fool of self. C 4 custodial staff who was assigned to clean up the James music classrooms and offices, is The attacks were conducted Gallup Poll shows Andy Brandt various faculty by now the acting Dean of Music. "It sure is an systematically and efficiently 3rd most-popular PC after Doug family, say investi- honour," Worrell said from his temporary office in the entire Earle and Eugene Whalen. C 6 the sub-sub-basement of the Peters Building, "But I gators close to the case. Victims by sure didn't want to get promoted like this. Sure is would be approached one of Rusbton study shows Western kids, to nice, though." the Brady who pretended skulls on average 1.3 cm. smaller The rest The Aird Centre was supposed to be all but un- be in need of assistance. than WLU; no-one surprised. C8 nearby in sinkable, and was heralded as such when it official- of the group would wait a large van, ready to spirit the I THE MARKETS | ly opened in November. Today, while emergency teams continue to pick up the pieces, Building chosen victim away to the execu- TSE: up thirty-four Director Fred Freiberger admits that those boasts tion den. Mike Brady's den in the Dow: up a creek were "a bit overspoken." house made famous in the televi- Grade A Bologna Bulls: up to sion series was modified to serve sink," The their ears "Yes, the building could Frieberger said John Black Aird Centre was a beloved landmark on the in what is now being described as the worst inland maritime dis- as a pit of slow death. Police at office aster in the of Razorbacks: all at Schneider's from his Central Teaching Building yester- Laurier campus, but on Wednesday morning it met an icy doom history WLU. (Aquaman Photo) scene of the killings describe against hitting rammed headlong the day morning, "but the odds it an as it into an iceberg. 523 Music students died a lair of torture equipment and | \ south-were high TOMORROW iceberg—especially this far so as meat cleavers. to be acceptable." Johnson gets a drubbin from It would appear that Alice "And,"he added, "the bulkheads should have would take the freshly Dubin; Bird gets last word; Stah elimination of two whole floors from the centre, the creating faculty. Acting of Music Worreil held up, even against such punishment. Something the Dean slaughtered meat, age it in the ga- staff quaff and puff in Campus wrong." complete lack of a basement in the building, and getting professors and students shouldn't went said that rage, then cook up parts of the Clubs room; Death to anarchists the use of Cool Whip dessert lopping for caulking much problem, but Indeed it did. Confidential memos obtained by be of a that new instruments dismembered corpses with a big around the centre's windows. All of these short- hard to by. lost twelve million the Stah under the Freedom of Information Act tell could be come "We steaming vat of Minute Rice. | cuts may have contributed to the building's vul- IINDEX a shocking story. In an effort to cut costs and get dollars in oboes alone. Hey, that's a lot of oboes!" The killings seem to be a A/News to opined. C/Business the already behind-schedule centre completed, nerability icebergs. Worrell vengeful reaction to the poor Editorials A 2 Hog Markets CI emergency bulkheads were thrown together with A federal commission has been appointed to Cards A3 Cartoon C to cairn above ratings received by The Brady Report Stupid 3 aluminum foil and chicken wire, rather than the study the Aird incident. Federal Minister of A proposal put a the spot where Stover & Law C Bunch Reunion. "I don't know Page A 4 Laundry 4 Icebergs Big Floating Objects the Aird building sank beneath the waves for the & titanium-steel they were budgeted for. and Other Jean- WLUSU Bashing A'Ties Loafers C6 final time was defeated by the university Senate. what came over us. We just Metro KW News A9Chris Gain Look alike "Geez, I guess we really did cut corners, eh? Jacques Poupde declined to comment on what every- "We're sorry, but we're not that sorry," said a struck back at anyone and Ontario Angles A3 Contest Cl3 How about that!" said Freiberger, scratching his direction the investigation will take. Senate to remain one," said Bobbie Brady. Chess Charts A 4 head when told. For now, the university has cancelled all music spokesman who asked Horospoke D/Sports/Classlfleds anonymous. Victims of the murderous Al2 Other building short-cuts discovered include the exams until something can be done about re- Radio listings A 6 Allan Lee D 1 bunch included the Cleavers of Grit praising Al5 Grand VizarD 4 Leave It To Beaver fame.