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"And I Don't Know Who We Really Are to Each Other" Queers Doing Close Relationships in Estonia

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"And I don't know who we really are to each other" Queers doing close relationships in Estonia Raili Uibo SÖDERTÖRNSÖDERTON DOCTORAL DOCTORAL DISSERTATIONS DISSERTATIONS "And I don’t know who we really are to each other" Queers doing close relationships in Estonia Raili Uibo Södertörns hgskola Subject: Gender Studies Research Area: Critical and Cultural Theory School of Culture and Education Sdertrns hgskola (Sdertrn University) The Library SE-141 89 Huddinge www.sh.se/publications © Raili Uibo Cover: Roven Jekäär Graphic Form: Per Lindblom & Jonathan Robson Printed by Elanders, Stockholm 2021 Sdertrn Doctoral Dissertations 192 ISSN 1652-7399 ISBN 978-91-89109-70-4 (print) ISBN 978-91-89109-71-1 (digital) Abstract This dissertation explores the ways in which queers understand and practice close relationships in the political, economic and cultural circumstances of contemporary Estonia. The study draws on qualitative methods from socio- logy and anthropology and is situated at the intersection of queer studies, de/post-colonial studies, family and kinship studies. The starting point is the Estonian emic term lähedased (close ones) and the related term lähedased suhted (close relationships). Closeness refers to proximity, both in the physical and emotional sense, and comes not with the equally loaded baggage of ‘family’. The focus on close relationships helps to decentre the typical primary focus on sexual or romantic couple- dom, thereby opening up for the possibility of including various kinds of relationships that the study’s participants find significant in their lives. The thesis is organised around three main analytical themes. Firstly, it engages with how close relationships by queers are made, maintained, transformed or broken in contemporary Estonia. Secondly, it explores the role that queerness plays in the construction of close relationships. Thirdly, the thesis investigates how practices of care are negotiated in relation to various temporalities. Empirically, the study draws mainly on interviews and ethnographic engagements with non-heterosexual and non-gender conforming people who lived in Estonia between 2016 and 2017. The interviews were com- plemented with a methodological device called close relationship maps. Additionally, responses (302) from a qualitative online survey conducted in summer 2017 are used to further contextualise the results from the study. The results show that a focus on close relationships allows one to account for a myriad of interpersonal relations that were central in people’s lives, even though many were difficult to fit in existing relationship categories. Yet the concept of the family could not be dismissed entirely either, since it played a role for a considerable number of participants in the study. All relationships were to a large degree shaped by widespread economic pre- carity. This accounts for why my thesis decisively distances itself from the voluntarist discourse on choice. The thesis also challenges a common understanding of the closet that juxtaposes visibility and invisibility, silence and speech. Rather than “coming out” or “living openly”, research participants in this study engaged in various everyday practices of opacity with regard to their own queerness. Instead of hiding or separating their queer lives, they often incorporated queerness into their lives in an opaque manner. While this precarious balancing act was conditioned by silences and willed ignorance, it nonetheless satisfied the purpose of maintaining bonds without ever challenging them. Finally, in this study, queers in Estonia not only shared a sense of vul- nerability related to their queer positionality, they were subject to the every- day precarity prevalent in the neoliberal, patriarchal and heteronormative state. Both the lacking welfare state and individualist tendencies privileged care along kinship lines, further contributing to the need to compromise between emotions, obligations and dependency. Negotiating various inter- secting temporalities was central when engaging in care practices, as chrono- normativity, queer/crip/curative time exercised pulls in different directions. Keywords: Queer, kinship, closeness, intimacy, care practices, Estonia, post-socialism, opacity, precarity, temporality. Sammanfattning Denna avhandling utforskar hur queera personer frstår och utvar nära relationer i de samtida politiska, ekonomiska och kulturella frhållandena i Estland. Studien bygger på kvalitativa metoder från sociologi och antro- pologi och ligger i skärningspunkten mellan queerstudier, de/post-koloniala studier, familje- och släktskapsstudier. Utgångspunkten är den estniska emic-termen lähedased (nära och kära) och den relaterade termen lähedased suhted (nära relationer). Närhet inne- fattar både fysiska och emotionella dimensioner och har inte lika mycket bagage som ordet ”familj”. Fokus på nära relationer mjliggr en bredare analys än det typiska fokuset på sexuell eller romantisk tvåsamhet och pp- nar därmed fr mjligheten att inkludera olika typer av relationer som deltagarna i studien tycker är betydelsefulla i deras liv. Avhandlingen är organiserad kring tre huvudteman. Fr det frsta hand- lar den om hur queera personers nära relationer skapas, underhålls, fr- vandlas eller bryts i det samtida Estland. Fr det andra granskar den queer- hetens roll i konstruerandet av nära relationer. Fr det tredje undersker avhandlingen hur omsorgspraktiker frhandlas fram i förhållande till olika temporaliteter. Empiriskt bygger studien huvudsakligen på intervjuer och etnografiska möten med icke-heterosexuella och knsverskridande personer som bodde i Estland mellan 2016 och 2017. Intervjuerna kompletterades med en metod där deltagare ombads att rita en karta över sina nära relationer. Dessutom används svar (302) från en kvalitativ enkätundersökning som genomfrdes online sommaren 2017, för att ytterligare kontextualisera resultaten från studien. Resultaten visar att fokus på nära relationer gjorde det mjligt att redo- gra fr en myriad av relationer som var centrala i människors liv, även om många var svåra att passa in i befintliga relationskategorier. Familjebegrep- pet kunde dock inte avfärdas helt, eftersom det spelade en roll fr ett stort antal deltagare i studien. Alla relationer formades till stor del av en utbredd ekonomisk otrygghet, varfr min avhandling tar avstånd från den volunta- ristiska diskursen om valfrihet. Avhandlingen utmanar också vanliga freställningar om garderoben som något som motsätter synlighet och osynlighet, tystnad och tal. I stället fr att ”komma ut” eller ”leva ppet”, utvade forskningsdeltagare i denna studie olika dagliga praktiker av opacitet i relation till sin egen queerhet. Istället fr att gmma eller avskilja sina queera liv, inkorporerade de ofta queerhet i sina liv på ett ogenomskinligt sätt. Medan denna osäkra balans- gång var villkorad av tystnader och medveten ignorans, uppfyllde den ändå syftet att upprätthålla band utan att utmana dem. Queera personer i Estland delade i studien inte bara en känsla av sår- barhet relaterad till deras queera positionalitet, utan de var också fremål fr den vardagliga otryggheten som rådde i den nyliberala, patriarkala och heteronormativa staten. Både den bristfälliga välfärdsstaten och individua- listiska tendenser privilegierade omsorg längs släktskapslinjer, vilket ytter- ligare bidrog till behovet av att kompromissa mellan känslor, plikter och beroende. Att frhandla om olika korsande temporaliteter var centralt när queera personer ägnade sig åt omsorgspraktiker, eftersom temporala aspek- ter som krononormativitet, queer/crip/kurativ tid utvade dragningskraft i olika och ibland motsatta riktningar. Nyckelord: Queer, släktskap, närhet, intimitet, omsorgspraktiker, Estland, postsocialism, opacitet, otrygghet, temporalitet. Kokkuvte Käesolev väitekiri uurib kuidas kväärid mõistavad ja praktiseerivad lähedasi suhteid tänapäeva Eesti poliitilistes, majanduslikes ja kultuurilistes oludes. Uuring tugineb sotsioloogia ja antropoloogia kvalitatiivsetele meetoditele ning asub kväär-uuringute, de/postkoloniaalsete uuringute, perekonna- ja sugulusuuringute ristumispunktis. Lähtepunktiks on eesti emic-miste lähedased ja sellega seotud miste lähedased suhted. Lähedastele suhetele keskendumine vimaldab laiemat analsi kui tavapärane keskendumine perekonnale, seksuaalsetele vi romantilistele paarisuhetele ja avab seega vimaluse kaasata erinevat tpi suhteid, mida uuringus osalejad oma elus oluliseks peavad. Lput käsitleb kolme peamist analüütilist teemat. Esiteks uurib väitekiri kuidas kvääride lähedasi suhteid tänapäevases Eestis luuakse, hoitakse või kuidas need muutuvad vi purunevad. Teiseks analüsitakse, millist rolli mängib kvääriks olemine lähedaste suhete konstrueerimisel. Kolmandaks uuritakse erinevate ajalikkuse aspektide ja hoolepraktikate omavahelist suhet. Empiiriliselt phineb uuring peamiselt intervjuudel ja etnograafilistel sidemetel mitte-heteroseksuaalsete ja transsooliste inimestega, kes elasid Eestis ajavahemikul 2016–2017. Intervjuusid täiendati meetodiga, kus osalejatel paluti joonistada oma lähedaste suhete kaart. Lisaks kasutatakse 2017. aasta suvel läbi viidud kvalitatiivse veebiksitluse vastuseid (302), et uuringu tulemusi veelgi kontekstualiseerida. Tulemused näitavad, et lähisuhetele keskendumine vimaldas arvestada hulga suhetega, mis olid inimeste elus kesksed, kuigi mitmeid neist oli raske olemasolevatesse suhtekategooriatesse sobitada. Sellegipoolest ei saanud ka perekonna mistet täielikult maha kanda, kuna see mängis rolli
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