SAVING PRIVATE SHMURDA SCREENPLAY by GRANT BAKER (@Grantbaker)
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SAVING PRIVATE SHMURDA SCREENPLAY BY GRANT BAKER (@grantbaker) Rated PG-13 for mild language and violence Playlist of the Saving Private Shmurda Soundtrack CHARACTERS ACTOR CHARACTER DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP KEVIN HART BOBBY SHMURDA KEN JEONG KIM JONG UN BRETT FAVRE MIKE PENCE MATT DAMON VLADIMIR PUTIN GRANT BAKER JUSTIN TRUDEAU TOM CRUISE TOM CRUISE OJ SIMPSON ROWDY REBEL ZENDAYA CHRISTINA MAYERS MARK WHALBERG MILITARY GENERAL TOM CRUISE TOM CRUISE’S VOICE OPENING CREDITS Slow fade in to news footage of North Korea coverage (The song “a beautiful exit” by Miguel is playing). The news gets more and more devastating as North Korea continues to assert their power. Reports of President Trump sending in his best Navy Seals to assassinate Kim Jong Un fill the news. One news person says “Our situation has never been more dire. We are on the edge of nuclear war. Wherever you are, whoever you are, we need an angel.” Scene 1 INT. Oval Office. Day WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR 1 [Slaps newspaper on the table] They’re dead, Donny. All of ‘em. TRUMP Who’s dead? ADVISOR Your Seal boys. Every last one of ‘em captured and sent to a Korean gulag. The oval office TV shows a Fox News report of American soldiers with bags over their heads and hands tied behind their backs as Korean citizens cheer for the DPRK troops guiding the group TRUMP Dammit I can’t belive you let this happen! I’d have you fired if I could remember your name. Send Mike in. Mike Pence walks in the room MIKE PENCE What’s up Don? TRUMP We’ve exhausted just about every military option possible other than the nuclear option. And while I’m not opposed to that, I have one more idea. Trump whispers into Pence’s ear PENCE Permission to speak sir? TRUMP Granted. PENCE 2 Jesus Christ Don, this is one of the most crazy ideas you’ve ever had! Doing something like this, next you’re going to tell me gay people belong in the army! TRUMP They don’t Mike, but we’re in dire straights. PENCE I believe you sir. I’ll make the call right now. SCENE 2 INT. Brooklyn Penitentiary Montage of prison yard, inmates working out, prison guards reloading guns. “Ooouuu” by Young M.A. is playing. Bobby Shmurda is lifting weights when he is told by a guard there’s a phone call waiting for him. GUARD Shmurda! Phone call! BOBBY SHMURDA Shieeet Bobby answers the phone TRUMP Mr. Shmurda, it’s me, President Donald J. Trump. BOBBY And? Trump I’m getting you out of prison SCENE 3 INT. White House Briefing Room. Night Bobby and Trump meet face-to-face for the first time BOBBY So when Obama coming? 3 TRUMP Mr. Shmurda, I’m the president now. I know you’ve been in prison for so long you probably aren’t caught up with world news. A few seconds of awkward silence BOBBY No, we get the news in prison. TRUMP Listen here Mr. Shmurda, I’m giving you a chance at freedom. Now my son Barron tells me you’re the hardest fighter alive, is that true? BOBBY That sounds like me TRUMP Perfect. I’m going to give you an offer. If you take it and succeed, you’ll be the greatest American hero since Patton. If you don’t take it, I’ll send you right back to the Brooklyn Penitentiary. BOBBY Who we putting a hit on? TRUMP The Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea More awkward silence BOBBY Damn, okay! TRUMP So just like that, you’re in? BOBBY 4 Imma need you to do me one favor. Imma need you to free my boy Rowdy Rebel. TRUMP Say no more Mr. Shmurda Slow motion shot of Bobby and Rowdy teaming up outside of prison. “Hot N***a” by Bobby Shmurda is playing. The two enter in the Marine Training facility and fail every test. Bobby’s aiming down the sights of an AR-15 at a target dummy when he’s stopped before he can shoot. SCENE 4 EXT. Training Facility. Day. CHRISTINA You know your goal is to hit the target right? BOBBY Ha ha, very funny. CHRISTINA Aren’t you that rapper guy Bobby Shmurda who was hot a couple years ago? BOBBY Yeah but right now I’m recruit #07456 CHRISTINA I’m Christina Mayers, #29424 and I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to be in prison right now ROWDY Him and me both man!! BOBBY We’re legally not allowed to talk about it but let’s just say we’re doing some community service. 5 CHRISTINA I’m gonna let y’all get back to work. Maybe I’ll see you at lunch? BOBBY Yeah, maybe. Christina leaves ROWDY She wants you bro. BOBBY Do you ever stop talking? SCENE 5 INT. Oval Office. Day MILITARY GENERAL Mr. Trump, they’re terrible shots, all they do is scream profanities and they won’t stop talking about “catching some bodies.” TRUMP I don’t see anything wrong with any of that Mr. General, and in fact, I think they could be great leaders in time. GENERAL They’ve failed every test so far, minus the gas inhaling test. TRUMP Well let me make some calls and see what I can do with these guys The general leaves. Trump pulls an old rotary phone with one button on it that’s labeled “VLAD” TRUMP 6 Vladdy, it’s Donny again. We haven’t talked in ages, I missed you. VLADIMIR PUTIN Donald, it’s so great to hear that sultry voice again. TRUMP You know how I’d do anything for you right? Literally anything. PUTIN Of course TRUMP I need you to do me a favor PUTIN Like? TRUMP I need you to turn my troops into genetically modified super-soldiers. PUTIN Hmmmm. Russian military has developed a form of cloaking technology. It’ll basically shapeshift whoever is using it into whoever else. Wait. What’s in it for me? TRUMP Hold on Vlad I have someone on the other line Justin Trudeau is on the other line JUSTIN TRUDEAU Donald, it’s me Justin. TRUMP Hello Justin. Listen Justin I’m kind of busy right now can we ta- 7 JUSTIN Listen Donald, you’ll never believe who I was bowling with this weekend. TOM CRUISE! TRUMP Oh yes, Tom Cruise. He’s a great man, great man. JUSTIN And listen Donald, You know I’m a huge Catholic TRUMP You and me both Justin JUSTIN Yeah, but the stuff Tom was telling me, this whole Scientology stuff… Really starting to make sense. TRUMP Yes that’s great Justin. Listen I gotta put you on hold for a second. Trump is watching the music video to Computers by Rowdy Rebel, where Bobby Shmurda says “I think that I'm Tom Cruise But bitch I'm Bobby with the tool” TRUMP - TO PUTIN Vlad, does the name Tom Cruise mean anything to you? PUTIN I’m sorry? TRUMP I’ll explain in a second. [Laughs] So Vlad, what are you wearing right now? JUSTIN Should I go? TRUMP - TO JUSTIN Yes 8 SCENE 6 INT. Bobby & Rowdy’s dorm room. Night Bobby is bouncing a tennis ball at the wall while Rowdy is laying on the top bunk BOBBY I'm sick of this training shit man. Can't have no fun, can't record any music. The food ain't even as good as prison food. ROWDY We just gotta get past this mission. Then we can go back to Brooklyn and go back to life before the feds BOBBY That’s what I’m saying man ROWDY What about that Christina chick? BOBBY She’s the only one keeping me here on God The Military General bursts through the door GENERAL You two girls, come with me ROWDY Damn, the feds got us before we could even do the mission. GENERAL No you idiot, we just figured out how we’re going to win this mission. Now come with me. SCENE 7. INT. MILITARY HQ. NIGHT B-Roll of high-powered guns, rockets, planes, whatever stuff is in an HQ idk. The cloaking suit is being displayed in the middle of the room in a glass case. The suit looks like an Adidas Tracksuit, which makes sense considering it’s from Russia. 9 GENERAL Mr. Shmurda, this is the Круизное устройство thomas для маскировки 6900. Also known as the Tom Cruise Cloaking Device 6900. This suit will be the demise of Kim Jong Un BOBBY This jawn fire as hell bro GENERAL Mr. Shmurda, why don’t you try it on for me? Bobby puts the cloaking device on. It’s a perfect fit. GENERAL - TO BOBBY Push this button right inside the sleeve Bobby pushes it. He slowly starts growing taller. His skin becomes paler. Hair begins growing on his head. Rowdy covers his mouth with both of his hands in an attempt to hide his shock/disgust. Bobby has just transformed into Tom Cruise. ROWDY Do I get anything? GENERAL We’ve got something for you too Rowdy Rowdy is given an identical tracksuit. He puts the suit on and starts feeling around for buttons to press. ROWDY Y’all must have moved the buttons around right? GENERAL No, your suit is just a normal Adidas tracksuit 10 ROWDY Man, y’all got me fu- BOBBY So when do we head to Korea? GENERAL Two days from now Mr.