SAVING PRIVATE SHMURDA SCREENPLAY BY GRANT BAKER (@grantbaker)
Rated PG-13 for mild language and violence Playlist of the Saving Private Shmurda Soundtrack
CHARACTERS ACTOR CHARACTER
DONALD TRUMP DONALD TRUMP
KEVIN HART BOBBY SHMURDA
KEN JEONG KIM JONG UN
BRETT FAVRE MIKE PENCE
MATT DAMON VLADIMIR PUTIN
GRANT BAKER JUSTIN TRUDEAU
TOM CRUISE TOM CRUISE
OJ SIMPSON ROWDY REBEL
ZENDAYA CHRISTINA MAYERS
MARK WHALBERG MILITARY GENERAL
TOM CRUISE TOM CRUISE’S VOICE
OPENING CREDITS Slow fade in to news footage of North Korea coverage (The song “a beautiful exit” by Miguel is playing). The news gets more and more devastating as North Korea continues to assert their power. Reports of President Trump sending in his best Navy Seals to assassinate Kim Jong Un fill the news. One news person says “Our situation has never been more dire. We are on the edge of nuclear war. Wherever you are, whoever you are, we need an angel.”
Scene 1 INT. Oval Office. Day WHITE HOUSE ADVISOR
1 [Slaps newspaper on the table] They’re dead, Donny. All of ‘em.
TRUMP Who’s dead?
ADVISOR Your Seal boys. Every last one of ‘em captured and sent to a Korean gulag.
The oval office TV shows a Fox News report of American soldiers with bags over their heads and hands tied behind their backs as Korean citizens cheer for the DPRK troops guiding the group
TRUMP Dammit I can’t belive you let this happen! I’d have you fired if I could remember your name. Send Mike in.
Mike Pence walks in the room
MIKE PENCE What’s up Don?
TRUMP We’ve exhausted just about every military option possible other than the nuclear option. And while I’m not opposed to that, I have one more idea.
Trump whispers into Pence’s ear
PENCE Permission to speak sir?
TRUMP Granted.
PENCE
2 Jesus Christ Don, this is one of the most crazy ideas you’ve ever had! Doing something like this, next you’re going to tell me gay people belong in the army!
TRUMP They don’t Mike, but we’re in dire straights.
PENCE I believe you sir. I’ll make the call right now.
SCENE 2 INT. Brooklyn Penitentiary Montage of prison yard, inmates working out, prison guards reloading guns. “Ooouuu” by Young M.A. is playing. Bobby Shmurda is lifting weights when he is told by a guard there’s a phone call waiting for him.
GUARD Shmurda! Phone call!
BOBBY SHMURDA Shieeet
Bobby answers the phone TRUMP Mr. Shmurda, it’s me, President Donald J. Trump.
BOBBY And?
Trump I’m getting you out of prison
SCENE 3 INT. White House Briefing Room. Night Bobby and Trump meet face-to-face for the first time
BOBBY So when Obama coming?
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TRUMP Mr. Shmurda, I’m the president now. I know you’ve been in prison for so long you probably aren’t caught up with world news.
A few seconds of awkward silence
BOBBY No, we get the news in prison.
TRUMP Listen here Mr. Shmurda, I’m giving you a chance at freedom. Now my son Barron tells me you’re the hardest fighter alive, is that true?
BOBBY That sounds like me
TRUMP Perfect. I’m going to give you an offer. If you take it and succeed, you’ll be the greatest American hero since Patton. If you don’t take it, I’ll send you right back to the Brooklyn Penitentiary.
BOBBY Who we putting a hit on?
TRUMP The Democratic People’s Republic of North Korea
More awkward silence
BOBBY Damn, okay!
TRUMP So just like that, you’re in?
BOBBY
4 Imma need you to do me one favor. Imma need you to free my boy Rowdy Rebel.
TRUMP Say no more Mr. Shmurda
Slow motion shot of Bobby and Rowdy teaming up outside of prison. “Hot N***a” by Bobby Shmurda is playing. The two enter in the Marine Training facility and fail every test. Bobby’s aiming down the sights of an AR-15 at a target dummy when he’s stopped before he can shoot.
SCENE 4 EXT. Training Facility. Day.
CHRISTINA You know your goal is to hit the target right?
BOBBY Ha ha, very funny.
CHRISTINA Aren’t you that rapper guy Bobby Shmurda who was hot a couple years ago?
BOBBY Yeah but right now I’m recruit #07456
CHRISTINA I’m Christina Mayers, #29424 and I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to be in prison right now
ROWDY Him and me both man!!
BOBBY We’re legally not allowed to talk about it but let’s just say we’re doing some community service.
5 CHRISTINA I’m gonna let y’all get back to work. Maybe I’ll see you at lunch?
BOBBY Yeah, maybe. Christina leaves
ROWDY She wants you bro.
BOBBY Do you ever stop talking?
SCENE 5 INT. Oval Office. Day
MILITARY GENERAL Mr. Trump, they’re terrible shots, all they do is scream profanities and they won’t stop talking about “catching some bodies.”
TRUMP I don’t see anything wrong with any of that Mr. General, and in fact, I think they could be great leaders in time.
GENERAL They’ve failed every test so far, minus the gas inhaling test.
TRUMP Well let me make some calls and see what I can do with these guys
The general leaves. Trump pulls an old rotary phone with one button on it that’s labeled “VLAD”
TRUMP
6 Vladdy, it’s Donny again. We haven’t talked in ages, I missed you.
VLADIMIR PUTIN Donald, it’s so great to hear that sultry voice again.
TRUMP You know how I’d do anything for you right? Literally anything.
PUTIN Of course
TRUMP I need you to do me a favor
PUTIN Like?
TRUMP I need you to turn my troops into genetically modified super-soldiers.
PUTIN Hmmmm. Russian military has developed a form of cloaking technology. It’ll basically shapeshift whoever is using it into whoever else. Wait. What’s in it for me?
TRUMP Hold on Vlad I have someone on the other line
Justin Trudeau is on the other line
JUSTIN TRUDEAU Donald, it’s me Justin.
TRUMP Hello Justin. Listen Justin I’m kind of busy right now can we ta-
7 JUSTIN Listen Donald, you’ll never believe who I was bowling with this weekend. TOM CRUISE!
TRUMP Oh yes, Tom Cruise. He’s a great man, great man.
JUSTIN And listen Donald, You know I’m a huge Catholic TRUMP You and me both Justin
JUSTIN Yeah, but the stuff Tom was telling me, this whole Scientology stuff… Really starting to make sense.
TRUMP Yes that’s great Justin. Listen I gotta put you on hold for a second.
Trump is watching the music video to Computers by Rowdy Rebel, where Bobby Shmurda says “I think that I'm Tom Cruise But bitch I'm Bobby with the tool”
TRUMP - TO PUTIN Vlad, does the name Tom Cruise mean anything to you?
PUTIN I’m sorry?
TRUMP I’ll explain in a second. [Laughs] So Vlad, what are you wearing right now?
JUSTIN Should I go?
TRUMP - TO JUSTIN Yes
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SCENE 6 INT. Bobby & Rowdy’s dorm room. Night Bobby is bouncing a tennis ball at the wall while Rowdy is laying on the top bunk BOBBY I'm sick of this training shit man. Can't have no fun, can't record any music. The food ain't even as good as prison food.
ROWDY We just gotta get past this mission. Then we can go back to Brooklyn and go back to life before the feds
BOBBY That’s what I’m saying man
ROWDY What about that Christina chick?
BOBBY She’s the only one keeping me here on God
The Military General bursts through the door
GENERAL You two girls, come with me
ROWDY Damn, the feds got us before we could even do the mission.
GENERAL No you idiot, we just figured out how we’re going to win this mission. Now come with me.
SCENE 7. INT. MILITARY HQ. NIGHT B-Roll of high-powered guns, rockets, planes, whatever stuff is in an HQ idk. The cloaking suit is being displayed in the middle of the room in a glass case. The suit looks like an Adidas Tracksuit, which makes sense considering it’s from Russia.
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GENERAL Mr. Shmurda, this is the Круизное устройство thomas для маскировки 6900. Also known as the Tom Cruise Cloaking Device 6900. This suit will be the demise of Kim Jong Un
BOBBY This jawn fire as hell bro
GENERAL Mr. Shmurda, why don’t you try it on for me?
Bobby puts the cloaking device on. It’s a perfect fit.
GENERAL - TO BOBBY Push this button right inside the sleeve
Bobby pushes it. He slowly starts growing taller. His skin becomes paler. Hair begins growing on his head. Rowdy covers his mouth with both of his hands in an attempt to hide his shock/disgust.
Bobby has just transformed into Tom Cruise.
ROWDY Do I get anything?
GENERAL We’ve got something for you too Rowdy
Rowdy is given an identical tracksuit. He puts the suit on and starts feeling around for buttons to press.
ROWDY Y’all must have moved the buttons around right?
GENERAL No, your suit is just a normal Adidas tracksuit
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ROWDY Man, y’all got me fu-
BOBBY So when do we head to Korea?
GENERAL Two days from now Mr. Shmurda. Kim thinks he’s meeting Tom Cruise for a dinner honoring the birthday of his father Kim Il Sung. You’ll infiltrate the North Korean capital while myself and Rowdy hang back here at HQ and guide you throughout the night. We put a tracker in your mashed potatoes so don’t try and get frisky with any Korean women as Tom Cruise
ROWDY Yeah I know Bobby tryna find out if he’s still Bobby from the waist down.
GENERAL Enough with the funny business kid. This is the best chance we got of ending World War III before it even begins.
BOBBY Listen all this stuff sounds important but can we talk about it tomorrow? Y’all really cutting into my dinner time. I got someone I gotta meet.
GENERAL Ahhhh Bobby’s got a girlfriend huh Rowdy?
ROWDY Yeaaaaah he does.
BOBBY Just take me back to prison I swear to God.
[The general walks up to Bobby’s face before leaving the room]
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GENERAL If there’s one thing I learned from being in the armed forces: don’t get too attached to anyone because you never know if you’ll see them again.
[“See You Again” by Tyler, the Creator starts playing]
SCENE 8 EXT. In a forest somewhere outside the facility. Night
Bobby and Christina are doing that thing where like… So you know in the movies when couples will have the guy laying down and then the girl’s head is on his stomach and they make like a sideways T with their bodies? They’re doing one of those.
CHRISTINA So are they sending you back to prison?
BOBBY Yeah, something like that.
Christina turns over and stares into Bobby’s eyes
CHRISTINA I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again, but you’ve been the one beam of hope in this whole training facility. [B-Roll of people cheering] The people here, they love you Bobby. So just make me one promise. Promise me that you’ll do these people right.
BOBBY I promise.
A couple of seconds of silence
CHRISTINA Actually can I make another promise?
12 BOBBY Sure.
CHRISTINA Can you call me when you get out?
BOBBY [Laughs] I promise.
The song gets louder and they start making out or whatever. I can’t handle intimacy in my own life I don’t know how you expect me to write it. The screen goes black too
SCENE 9. INT. A couple different places I guess. Morning
Bobby and Rowdy get woken up by an alarm clock. They both immediately look at each other.
BOBBY Let’s go to work
“Say Your Prayers” by Clams Casino starts playing. It’s a slo-mo montage of Bobby suiting up and hopping on the plane to Korea. This song is so dope so just close your eyes for the entire song and picture some cool slow motion stuff.
Bobby has a bluetooth earpiece that he can hear the General and Rowdy through. The General and Rowdy are both at the military base too, duh.
GENERAL Bobby, for the next 12 hours, you’re going to do exactly what I say. The fate of the world is in your hands.
BOBBY But hasn’t Dennis Rodman been hanging out with Kim and shit?
GENERAL
13 How do you think we know all these maneuvers? Rodman’s been a CIA spy ever since he went to go play for the Lakers in ‘99.
BOBBY Is there anyone cool who isn’t a fed?
GENERAL Hopefully Tom Cruise if he’ll listen to what I say.
SCENE 11. Pyongyang, North Korea. Afternoon
Bobby/Tom Cruise is greeted at the NK capital by Kim Jong Un and a host of guards, high-ranking officers and troops
KIM JONG UN Mr. Cruise, so lovely to see you! How are you doing?
TOM CRUISE Man you know, just making movies and shit.
Bobby immediately starts panicking. The guards start whispering to each other. That was very un-Tom Cruise of him.
GENERAL Are you retarded or something? Do. Not. Jeopardize. This. Mission.
ROWDY Just pretend it’s like that movie White Chicks
Kim shows Tom around Pyongyang and eventually they end up back in the capital building.
ROWDY You gotta get you and Kim alone in the same room. From there you gotta try and neutralize him by shooting him with the suppressed handgun in your back pocket
14 TOM CRUISE Honorable leader, can we talk privately in some sort of meeting room? I think I have an exciting business opportunity that would benefit both of us. Kim looks to the other generals for approval
KIM I don’t see why not. You get 10 minutes.
The two sit down in a large boardroom. There’s a broom closet and a security camera, so Tom doesn’t really know what to do.
TOM I’m going to use the restroom before we start.
Tom goes to the restroom and uses a restroom.
TOM - TO THE BLUETOOTH There’s a broom closet and a security camera, so I don’t really know what to do.
A troop using the urinal next to him looks confused.
TOM - TO TROOP I’m praying to the Mormon god.
GENERAL - TO TOM It’s Scientology, idiot. Once you kill Kim, stuff him in the broom closet and shoot the camera.
Tom leaves the restroom, but lets his pants sag without thinking. When he walks back in the boardroom, him and Kim talk for a few minutes until Kim notices the handgun in Tom’s pants.
KIM This is a set up isn’t it??? You Imperialist bastard!!!
The alarms in the building go off and Tom runs out of the room. “Computers” by Rowdy Rebel & Bobby Shmurda starts playing. Bobby
15 starts shooting all the guards and it's really cool. It’s like John Wick. He clears out all of the rooms and he looks for Kim and his crew when he stumbles into the armory. Tom obviously grabs the rocket launcher. He runs outside the building right as Kim starts to hop on a helicopter and fly away. This part lines up with the song.
TOM They think that I’m Tom Cruise…
Bobby’s suit malfunctions and he turns back into Bobby Shmurda.
BOBBY BUT BITCH I’M BOBBY WITH THE TOOL.
Bobby shoots a rocket at the helicopter and blows it up. He kills Kim Jong Un.
Bobby walks away from the building when he’s sniped in the chest by a troop out of the capital window.
Bobby Shmurda saves the world and dies a hero.
The credits scene shows Bobby’s funeral, attended by everyone including Rowdy and Christina. He is posthumously given the Medal of Honor by Donald Trump.
THE END
Thanks for reading this terrible screenplay. I really just did this to pass the time and I don’t know if I’ll ever do this again. It’s cool I guess.
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Free Bobby Shmurda and Rowdy Rebel though.
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