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Shame and Humiliation: from Isolation to Relational Transformation

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Shame and Humiliation: from Isolation to Relational Transformation Work in Progress Shame and Humiliation: From Isolation to Relational Transformation Linda M. Hartling, Ph.D., Wendy Rosen, Ph.D., Maureen Walker, Ph.D., & Judith V. Jordan, Ph.D. Wellesley Centers for Women Wellesley College No.88 Wellesley, MA 02481 2000 Work in Progress Work in Progress is a publication series based on the work of the Stone Center for Developmental Services and Studies at Wellesley College, and it includes papers presented in the Center's Colloquium Series. Work in Progress reflects the Center's commitment to sharing information with others who are interested in fostering psychological well-being, preventing emotional problems, and providing appropriate services to persons who suffer from psychological distress. The publication also reflects the Center's belief that it is important to exchange ideas while they are being developed. Many of the papers, therefore, are intended to stimulate discussion and dialogue, while others represent finished research reports. For those papers which were part of the Colloquium Series, each document includes the substantive material presented by the lecturer, information about the speaker, and, where appropriate, a summary of the subsequent discussion session. Jean Baker Miller Training Institute Founded in 1995, the Jean Baker Miler Training Institute bases its work on the Relational-Cultural Model of psychological development, which grew out of a collaborative process of theory building initiated by the scholars at the Stone Center. The Institute offers workshops, courses, professional trainings, publications, and ongoing projects which explore applications of the relational-cultural approach. At the heart of this work is the belief that the Relational-Cultural Model offers new and better ways of understanding the diversity and complexities of human experience. The Robert S. and Grace W. Stone Center for Developmental Services and Studies Creation of the Robert S. and Grace W. Stone Center for Developmental Services and Studies resulted from a generous gift to Wellesley College by Robert S. and Grace W. Stone, parents of a Wellesley graduate. The Center was dedicated in the fall of 1981, and its programs reflect the Stone family's interest in preventing psychological distress. With the creation of the Stone Center, Wellesley College has enlarged its long- established search for excellence. At Wellesley, the Center has the unique advantage of immersion in a community of scholars and teachers who can add the broad perspective of the humanities, sciences, and social sciences to the Center's psychological expertise. The Stone Center is developing programs aimed toward the following goals: research in psychological development of people of all ages; service demonstration and research projects which will enhance psychological development of college students; service, research, and training in the prevention of psychological problems. Correspondence and inquiries about the publication series should be addressed to Wellesley Centers for Women Publications, Wellesley College, 106 Central Street, Wellesley, MA 02481-8259. © 2000, by Linda M. Hartling, Ph.D., Wendy Rosen, Ph.D., Maureen Walker, Ph.D., & Judith V. Jordan, Ph.D. Shame and Humiliation: From Isolation to Relational Transformation Linda M. Hartling, Ph.D., Wendy Rosen, Ph.D., Maureen Walker, Ph.D., Judith V. Jordan, Ph.D. About the Authors A Relational Conceptualization of Shame Linda M. Hartling, Ph.D., is the Associate Director of and Humiliation the Jean Baker Miller Training Institute at the Stone Linda Hartling, Ph.D. Center, Wellesley College, and author of the Humiliation While most of us can think of at least one occasion Inventory, a scale to assess the internal experience of in which we felt shamed or humiliated, in many humiliation. instances these types of experiences are difficult to Wendy Rosen, Ph.D., is an Attending Supervisor at identify, difficult to acknowledge, and difficult to Mclean Hospital and maintains a private practice of express. To recount experiences of shame or psychotherapy and supervision in Cambridge, humiliation, we risk revisiting painful images of being Massachusetts. She is a founding member of the Stone devalued, disempowered, or disgraced, perhaps Center Lesbian Theory Group. triggering or reinforcing further feelings of shame. Maureen Walker, Ph.D., is a psychologist and is the Yet, below our immediate awareness, these Associate Director of Academic Services at Harvard experiences can have a profound and enduring Business School. influence over our daily behavior. Jean Baker Miller Judith V. Jordan, Ph.D., is the Co-Director of the Jean and Irene Stiver note that “we become so fearful of Baker Miller Training Institute at the Stone Center, engaging others because of past neglects, humiliations, Wellesley College, and is an Assistant Professor of and violations...we begin to keep important parts of Psychology at the Harvard Medical School. our experience out of connection. We do not feel safe enough to more fully represent ourselves in relational Abstract encounters” (1995, p. 1). Experiences of shame or This paper is a discussion of shame and humiliation humiliation—including experiences of being scorned, that goes beyond individualistic perspectives, offering a ridiculed, belittled, ostracized, or demeaned—can broader, relational analysis of these profound and complex disrupt our ability to initiate and participate in the experiences. In addition to defining and examining the relationships that help us grow. harmful consequences of various forms of derision and To begin examining the painful impact of shame degradation, the authors explore clinical encounters with and humiliation, we must call upon our best relational shame and humiliation, present a case, and describe practices to create a context in which clients feel safe relational practices that can transform shame and enough to represent their experiences. These practices humiliation into opportunities for growth and greater include: connection. 1. Listening and Responding: Experiences of shame or humiliation often alienate and silence individuals, in extreme cases, leading them into what Jean Baker Miller describes as “condemned isolation” (Miller, 1988). To overcome the silence and disconnections induced by these experiences, Judith Jordan reminds us that, “In real dialogue both speaker and listener create a liveliness together and come into a truth together. Dialogue involves both initiative and responsiveness...” 1 (1989, p. 3). Within a context of responsiveness—a have been referred to as the self-conscious emotions context of listening and responding—we offer (Tangney & Fischer, 1995). They are called the self- clients an opportunity to feel safe and to fully conscious emotions because they cause us to reflect represent their experience. upon ourselves; we become self-conscious. However, 2. Mutual Empathy: Mutual empathy not only this view is based on a traditional perspective that entails empathizing with a client’s experience, but emphasizes a separate, independent self as the it also encompasses empathizing with the client’s primary unit of study (Jordan, 1989). If we expand our strategies of disconnection (Miller & Stiver, 1994), the understanding to incorporate a broader, relational strategies that may have allowed the client to perspective, experiences of shame and humiliation survive sometimes unimaginable, dehumanizing might be described as causing us to reflect upon encounters with others. Moreover, mutual ourselves in relationship. Therefore, it might be more empathy means identifying and empathizing with accurate to say that these emotions make us our own experiences of feeling shamed or relationally-conscious, which is most obvious when shame or humiliation serve as precursors to humiliated as well as our personal and disconnection or rejection. professional strategies of disconnection, which can Relational/Cultural Theory (R/C Theory) offers interfere with our ability to be fully present and us the opportunity to move beyond separate-self engaged in a relationship. analyses to an awareness of the relational dynamics of 3. Authenticity: The practice of authenticity is about these experiences. Throughout this paper we will being authentic in a way that facilitates the growth describe and expand a relational perspective to of our clients. It is not about self-disclosure, but achieve a deeper understanding of shame and about being fully present and engaged in the humiliation. relationship, a point made clear in the Stone Center paper, “Therapist Authenticity,” (Miller, A Relational Understanding of Shame Jordan, Stiver, Walker, Surrey, & Eldridge, 1999). The word shame comes from a variety of European words that literally mean “to cover, to veil, 4. Movement Toward Mutuality: Shaming or to hide” (Wurmser, 1981, p. 29). The literal meaning of humiliating interactions can thrive within a the word is consistent with the individual responses context of dominant-subordinate relationships associated with shame, e.g., feeling exposed, avoiding (i.e., non-mutual relationships) in which one eye contact, wanting to hide or withdraw. person holds the power to degrade another. By Examinations of shame found in the literature often moving toward mutuality, we are moving away describe this emotion as an experience of the self, a from the power-over dynamics that promote and failure of being, a global sense of deficiency, or a perpetuate shame and humiliation (see Jordan, failure to achieve one’s ideas (Lewis, 1998).
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