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Wits: free issue #9,000,004 Twits: $3 readme Sep. 28 - Oct. 4 www.activitiesboard.org/readme Carnegie Mellon’s leading source of unintelligent design since 1895 - brought to you by the Activities Board Fossil of God Found Scientists were shocked by the discovery of a The fossil was found with a parchment in His perfectly preserved fossil of Deus Domesticus, hand, which read: “Thou art idiots”. Debate has commonly known as God. The find is expected raged over the meaning of the phrase, but each to debunk many prevailing theories of science, religious group has reached the conclusion that evolution, ages of philosophical debate, and all it refers to everyone except them. remnants of logic. Philosopher A d a m “This fossil is sign from Kurtz remains skepti- G o d ,” said Don c a l . “ T h e y say they Herrold, owner of the h ave physical pro o f C r e a tionist mu s e u m that God exists,” said wh i ch has purch a s e d Ku rt z . “But wh a t if the fossil. “He designed this world doesn’t exist, the world and then put and I don’t exist? That World of Haloquest this fossil of Himself means that the physical Released; CMU in Coma here and designed it so God cannot exist and The rooms and clusters of Wean we would find it just so there is still no God Hall have been curiously empty when atheists wanted to because nothing exists since Bingie released the long-await- destroy the bible with and since nothing ed online game “Wo rld of their evolution. Now we exists I don’t ex i s t Haloquest”. can laugh at them a n d . .” Ku rtz contin- Be touched by His vestigial appendage thanks to His fossilized ued till he proved that The release of the game has meant wisdom.” the fossil of God is that almost everyone at CMU has actually a non-existent dream within a dream been glued to their computer God appears to be an old man, with short ves- that doesn’t exist. screens, without taking time to eat, tigial arms that have no use in hunting. He is sleep, or get up to go to the bath- believed to have roamed the earth during the Several theologians were quick to point out that room. The latter is believed to be Old Testament era, smiting those who doubted having proof of God’s existence destroys all why more dorms have beg u n him. God had no natural predators, his favorite meaning in a faith-based God, but they were smelling like Donner. prey was heretic, and his gestation period was immediately stoned to death. seven days. The dwindling number of n o n - WoH players are becoming increas- Pot Legalized in Starving Nation ingly creeped out by the way their In an ironic twist of fate, a P resident George Bush cl a s s m a tes have stopped talking, hunger inducing psychotropic ex p ressed concern over the moving, and blinking. drug has been legalized in a law. “Marijuana is the devil and c o u n t r y wh e re hunger does o n ly satanic liberals wo u l d “I mean, look at my roommate Jim,” not need to be induced. The legalize it. It makes you see all said sophomore music major Phil gove r ning body of Th e kinds of freaky shit that isn’t Czerwinski. “He just started playing D e m o c r atic Democra c y of there, like pink elephants in it last week and he’s already fucked Zawaiia’s People’s Democratic tutus doing the macarena or up!” Jim had obviously wet himself Rebublic passed the law last weapons of mass destruction. since he started playing. His mouth Friday by a 420 to 187 majori- …Not that I would know hung open, and a puddle of drool ty vote. now.” He then proceeded to had developed on his shirt. readme do a line of coke off Dick couldn’t resist the urge to poke him When asked why a poor ass Cheney’s ass. a few times. Then readme touched Moke Love, Not Hunger nation would legalize a drug his keyboard and he bit us. Now that will only make the popula- and we get the price of a cup Millions of potheads have readme has AIDS. tion poore r, P r e s i d e n t - of coffee a day from some rich mobilized to organize a march D i c t a tor Benis Hillasimo old white man trying to get on Washington in support of Initial attempts to unplug the stu- explained, “We are poor and into heave n . N ow potheads Z awa i i a . This march wa s dents caused their brains to shut starving; that’s a given. But the around the world are sending s cheduled for this coming down. Scientists have renewed their only Americans who want to Munchies and Funions. And S at u rd a y, until they re a l i ze d efforts, now weaning them off the help are the crazy Jesus freaks. MTV is coming down fo r that marching involved move- game by introducing less addictive Show a bunch of starving kids Spring Break!” ment. substances, like Red Bull and heroin. Issue 9,000,004 - readme p. 2 - September 28 - October 4 Rita Messes with Texas; Headline Feels Lonely Badger Cartoon Timeless: Still Just as Not-Funny Houston, Texas as a Category 4 hurricane, forcing the area’s evacuation. “Hurricane Rita messed with Texas,” said Bush. “That’s not cool at all. You see, when I sent the Katrina re f u gees from New Orleans to Houston, I was operating under the assumption, that, you know, nothing bad would happen, since they were in Texas and nobody messes with Texas. But Rita did, and now I have to mess her up.” Rita was expected to be far more damaging than it actually was, lending credence to the Badger Badger Badger fuck you f*ck you idea that maybe it realized at the last second Remember the Alamo! that it wasn’t supposed to mess with Texas, Ever since its lamentable discovery, the President George W. Bush today admitted but it was too late to change direction. Badger cartoon has been redefining the that his firm belief in the age-old saying boundaries of c o m e d y — s p e c i f i c a l ly, t h e “Don’t mess with Texas” may have been Meteorologist Steve Saxon said, “It only lower boundary. Neither has it declined in misguided, and may be a cause for worry for realized it wasn’t supposed to hit Texas at popularity since it first appeared: it is still those currently residing on Texas’s Gulf the last second, so it didn’t have much just as detested as it was then. As a matter Coast. choice of where to go. It can’t go to Mexico of fact, there is a high statistical correlation because there’s that whole prevailing-wind between people who proliferate it and those “All my life, I ’ ve thought nothing and thing stopping it from going that way. And I who reproduce asexually. nobody ever messed with Texas,” said Bush. guess Rita thought Louisiana had take n “Why would anybody want to?” enough of a beating from Katrina, so it just It was first noticed by a group of easily- decided to compromise and go somewhere, amused five year olds in rural Saskatchewan Bush’s concern over the universal adherence like, between Texas and Louisiana. Still, during their lunch break from work in the to the is due to Hurricane Rita’s apparent Texas was messed with, and that means we ice mines. Reportedly, they giggled at the failure to follow it. Rita made landfall near have to nuke Rita back to the Caribbean.” repetitive and not-in-the-least-bit-funny ani- mation for approximately eighteen hours, Point-Kanyepoint: The Imperial System after which time they were fired by the mine’s owner. From there it spread through the foul internet, until now, when every Point: The Imperial System of Kanyepoint poor bastard on the planet becomes violent- Measurement is Outdated ly ill at mere mention of the damn thing. “I hate that goddamn thing,” Junior engi- This archaic system of measurement, with neering major Sarah Baldwin told readme. arbitrary values and bases, has got to go. At “My ex-boyfriend told me about it. He said the time of writing, the United States is the George it was hilarious, and made me watch it. I o n ly country on the entire planet that kept waiting for it to get funny, and it didn’t. remains in the ‘middle ages’ of measure- It just kept repeating the same goddamn ment. That means that even such forward- b a d g e rs waving their arms around like looking countries as Afghanistan, Somalia, Bush they’re a bunch of drunken idiots, but he Iraq, and, yes, even Belgium have adopted the insisted it was hilarious. That was the end decimalized system known as metric. for me and my ex ; I dumped that sonuvabitch. Then I stabbed him to death I’m not even going to give the inch a second doesn’t with a spork.” glance—let’s move on to the ounce, which is the worst.

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