Wits: free issue #9,000,004 Twits: $3 readme Sep. 28 - Oct. 4 www.activitiesboard.org/readme Carnegie Mellon’s leading source of unintelligent design since 1895 - brought to you by the Activities Board Fossil of God Found Scientists were shocked by the discovery of a The fossil was found with a parchment in His perfectly preserved fossil of Deus Domesticus, hand, which read: “Thou art idiots”. Debate has commonly known as God. The find is expected raged over the meaning of the phrase, but each to debunk many prevailing theories of science, religious group has reached the conclusion that evolution, ages of philosophical debate, and all it refers to everyone except them. remnants of logic. Philosopher A d a m “This fossil is sign from Kurtz remains skepti- G o d ,” said Don c a l . “ T h e y say they Herrold, owner of the h ave physical pro o f C r e a tionist mu s e u m that God exists,” said wh i ch has purch a s e d Ku rt z . “But wh a t if the fossil. “He designed this world doesn’t exist, the world and then put and I don’t exist? That World of Haloquest this fossil of Himself means that the physical Released; CMU in Coma here and designed it so God cannot exist and The rooms and clusters of Wean we would find it just so there is still no God Hall have been curiously empty when atheists wanted to because nothing exists since Bingie released the long-await- destroy the bible with and since nothing ed online game “Wo rld of their evolution. Now we exists I don’t ex i s t Haloquest”. can laugh at them a n d . . .” Ku rtz contin- Be touched by His vestigial appendage thanks to His fossilized ued till he proved that The release of the game has meant wisdom.” the fossil of God is that almost everyone at CMU has actually a non-existent dream within a dream been glued to their computer God appears to be an old man, with short ves- that doesn’t exist. screens, without taking time to eat, tigial arms that have no use in hunting. He is sleep, or get up to go to the bath- believed to have roamed the earth during the Several theologians were quick to point out that room. The latter is believed to be Old Testament era, smiting those who doubted having proof of God’s existence destroys all why more dorms have beg u n him. God had no natural predators, his favorite meaning in a faith-based God, but they were smelling like Donner. prey was heretic, and his gestation period was immediately stoned to death. seven days. The dwindling number of n o n - WoH players are becoming increas- Pot Legalized in Starving Nation ingly creeped out by the way their In an ironic twist of fate, a P resident George Bush cl a s s m a tes have stopped talking, hunger inducing psychotropic ex p ressed concern over the moving, and blinking. drug has been legalized in a law. “Marijuana is the devil and c o u n t r y wh e re hunger does o n ly satanic liberals wo u l d “I mean, look at my roommate Jim,” not need to be induced. The legalize it. It makes you see all said sophomore music major Phil gove r ning body of Th e kinds of freaky shit that isn’t Czerwinski. “He just started playing D e m o c r atic Democra c y of there, like pink elephants in it last week and he’s already fucked Zawaiia’s People’s Democratic tutus doing the macarena or up!” Jim had obviously wet himself Rebublic passed the law last weapons of mass destruction. since he started playing. His mouth Friday by a 420 to 187 majori- …Not that I would know hung open, and a puddle of drool ty vote. now.” He then proceeded to had developed on his shirt. readme do a line of coke off Dick couldn’t resist the urge to poke him When asked why a poor ass Cheney’s ass. a few times. Then readme touched Moke Love, Not Hunger nation would legalize a drug his keyboard and he bit us. Now that will only make the popula- and we get the price of a cup Millions of potheads have readme has AIDS. tion poore r, P r e s i d e n t - of coffee a day from some rich mobilized to organize a march D i c t a tor Benis Hillasimo old white man trying to get on Washington in support of Initial attempts to unplug the stu- explained, “We are poor and into heave n . N ow potheads Z awa i i a . This march wa s dents caused their brains to shut starving; that’s a given. But the around the world are sending s cheduled for this coming down. Scientists have renewed their only Americans who want to Munchies and Funions. And S at u rd a y, until they re a l i ze d efforts, now weaning them off the help are the crazy Jesus freaks. MTV is coming down fo r that marching involved move- game by introducing less addictive Show a bunch of starving kids Spring Break!” ment. substances, like Red Bull and heroin. Issue 9,000,004 - readme p. 2 - September 28 - October 4

Rita Messes with Texas; Headline Feels Lonely Badger Cartoon Timeless: Still Just as Not-Funny Houston, Texas as a Category 4 hurricane, forcing the area’s evacuation.

“Hurricane Rita messed with Texas,” said Bush. “That’s not cool at all. You see, when I sent the Katrina re f u gees from New Orleans to Houston, I was operating under the assumption, that, you know, nothing bad would happen, since they were in Texas and nobody messes with Texas. But Rita did, and now I have to mess her up.”

Rita was expected to be far more damaging than it actually was, lending credence to the Badger Badger Badger fuck you f*ck you idea that maybe it realized at the last second Remember the Alamo! that it wasn’t supposed to mess with Texas, Ever since its lamentable discovery, the President George W. Bush today admitted but it was too late to change direction. Badger cartoon has been redefining the that his firm belief in the age-old saying boundaries of c o m e d y — s p e c i f i c a l ly, t h e “Don’t mess with Texas” may have been Meteorologist Steve Saxon said, “It only lower boundary. Neither has it declined in misguided, and may be a cause for worry for realized it wasn’t supposed to hit Texas at popularity since it first appeared: it is still those currently residing on Texas’s Gulf the last second, so it didn’t have much just as detested as it was then. As a matter Coast. choice of where to go. It can’t go to Mexico of fact, there is a high statistical correlation because there’s that whole prevailing-wind between people who proliferate it and those “All my life, I ’ ve thought nothing and thing stopping it from going that way. And I who reproduce asexually. nobody ever messed with Texas,” said Bush. guess Rita thought Louisiana had take n “Why would anybody want to?” enough of a beating from Katrina, so it just It was first noticed by a group of easily- decided to compromise and go somewhere, amused five year olds in rural Saskatchewan Bush’s concern over the universal adherence like, between Texas and Louisiana. Still, during their lunch break from work in the to the is due to Hurricane Rita’s apparent Texas was messed with, and that means we ice mines. Reportedly, they giggled at the failure to follow it. Rita made landfall near have to nuke Rita back to the Caribbean.” repetitive and not-in-the-least-bit-funny ani- mation for approximately eighteen hours, Point-Kanyepoint: The Imperial System after which time they were fired by the mine’s owner. From there it spread through the foul internet, until now, when every Point: The Imperial System of Kanyepoint poor bastard on the planet becomes violent- Measurement is Outdated ly ill at mere mention of the damn thing.

“I hate that goddamn thing,” Junior engi- This archaic system of measurement, with neering major Sarah Baldwin told readme. arbitrary values and bases, has got to go. At “My ex-boyfriend told me about it. He said the time of writing, the United States is the George it was hilarious, and made me watch it. I o n ly country on the entire planet that kept waiting for it to get funny, and it didn’t. remains in the ‘middle ages’ of measure- It just kept repeating the same goddamn ment. That means that even such forward- b a d g e rs waving their arms around like looking countries as Afghanistan, Somalia, Bush they’re a bunch of drunken idiots, but he Iraq, and, yes, even Belgium have adopted the insisted it was hilarious. That was the end decimalized system known as metric. for me and my ex ; I dumped that sonuvabitch. Then I stabbed him to death I’m not even going to give the inch a second doesn’t with a spork.” glance—let’s move on to the ounce, which is the worst. It measures not only liquid, but S a d l y, not eve r y b o d y shares Baldw i n’s also weight—and the two values are com- enlightened state of mind. “Ha, this is my pletely unrelated! To make matters worse, it care about favorite part,” declared local dumbass Dale changes based on what you’re weighing. For Hartman. “Snake, it’s a snake! Hahaha! It’s instance, gold and silver have a completely funny, because it’s a snake.” He was then different standard, for no good reason, and lynched by an angry mob, and his head was this is also called the ounce. black placed on a pike outside Donner House as a warning to those who might follow in his Anybody who has one ounce of common footsteps. The University Police, familiar sense would cease to support such a poorly people. with the animation, looked the other way. designed system. Issue 9,000,004 - readme p. 3 - September 28 - October 4

Top 25 Party Fouls X Does Not Mark the F*cking Spot 1) Spilled beer on crotch followed the treasure map correctly, avoid- 2) Spilled crotch on beer ing Dead Man’s Cluster, The Hanging 3) Lost AARP Membership Card Hook of Billy Budd, and the River of the 4) Rolled a critical miss Damned to arrive unharmed 15 paces east 5) Peed in the freezer and 13 paces north of the dense clump of 6) Ate the jello from the kiddy pool rush posters. But the only thing present 7) Whiskey Dick was a filing cabinet with a penis scratched 8) Failed to bang foreign exchange student into the paint. 9) Spiked the vodka 10) Wearing too many bras “Look! I’m at the X, right? Right!?” 11) "I'm Rick James, BITCH!" 12) Recitation of Star Wars or Monty Python “I didn’t kill a man for nothing,” North lines muttered. “I earned this bloody map and 13) Accidental sex with roommate Why does it lie to me!? I’ll be damned if I walk away without more 14) Intentional sex with roommate gold than you can find on a rapper because 15) Pooped in the ball-pit Last Sunday, d i s h e a r tened HSS of some fucking missing X.” 16) Rubbing alcohol as lube Sophomore David North was to be seen 17) Solved the rubik's cube pounding his fists on an abandoned filing The University Police were called in to 18) Mono cabinet in Doherty Hall screaming, “What calm down North. When they threatened 19) Sex in parents’ room the fuck is this!? I can’t dig in a filing cab- to take the map away, North attacked the 20) Blood in parents’ room inet! What are you staring at!? It says it’s officers and chewed off one of their legs. 21)Clogged garbage disposal with dead hooker right here!” thrusting an old, weathered 22) Drew moustaches on the family portraits map in the faces of passers by. Upon closer inspection, the filing cabinet 23) Double baggin' it... with geagle bags s h owed no signs of a ny X’s, but did 24) Reciting the Great Gatsby After reviewing the map at his vehement remarkably contain thousands of embar- 25) Lost nasal virginity insistence, it was clear that he had in fact rassing photos of North. Crime and Incident: Things You Should Fear

Safety Alert: Simple Dogshit Safety Alert: Simple Dwarf Assault Safety Alert: Simple Double Homicide University Police received a report from a At 12:35 p.m., on Thursday, September 22, a Uniersity Police received a call about a mys- CMU alumni that she had been assaulted by Carnegie Mellon student standing outside of terious man on the cut at 1:42 a.m. Sunday dog shit as she left near the lower east side N e well Simon heard a slight squishing 25. They arrived on the scene to find no sign of Schenley park last Sunday. The victim sound and felt a sharp pain in his left foot. A of the man, but did find the dismembered reported to campus police shortly after the witness nearby reported seeing a slightly- bodies of two unknown students. Police incident and described her attacker as short, built, 2-foot-tall man with matted fur leave s e a rch ed for witnesses, but found only brown, and robust in both size and smell. the scene on fo o t , heading South on Rocky, the lone local squirrel, who refused Campus investigators were later sent to the Schenley Drive. Eight CMU Student EMS to answer any questions. Unable to find any scene of the crime, but only found trace personnel and four Campus officers were on clues save a set of bloody footprints leading evidence of the culprit’s pre s e n c e. scene to administer first aid to the student. off campus, the University Police returned Investigators believe that the culprit left the The student, shortly thereafter, was trans- to the office and logged their rep o r t . scene of his crime for he was scared away by ported by helicopter to Shadyside Hospital Anyone with further information on this the shere feminine strength the victim dis- where he received more extensive treatment Simple Double-Homicide with Aggravated played as she ran alone in Schenley Park only and was released Monday due to a slight Assault and Intent to Rape a Local Celebrity 4 hours before the Park was scheduled to c o m p l i c ation arising from an unplanned is asked to contact Unive r sity Police at close for the night. pregnancy. x8-2323.

Editing & Writing Staff Tenenbaums: Brian Leahy, Chris Kier Zissou Society: Greg Modzelewski, Ceci Westbrook, Benjamin M. Saalbach-Walsh, Milon Chakarab, Thomas Pike, Jeremy Ozer, Eric Foote, Larissa Chopyk, Anu Bhooshan, Owen Yamauchi, Terry Shyu, Niko Triulzi, Gerrit Betz, Tim Dimond, Andrew Moore, Jeremy Kanter, Albert Tirulzi, Dean Hu

What is readme? Well, it’s funny and it’s useful. And free. So it’s better than sliced bread. activities board Who makes it? readme is printed by the Activities Board, sponsored by your student activities fee Where do I get it? readme is handed out at AB events and left in stacks around campus Online: www.activitiesboard.org/readme How do I help? Email [email protected]. We need funny writers, non-funny writers, and Photoshoppers And remember: fire alarms cause excrutiating pain Issue 9,000,004 - readme p. 4 - September 28 - October 4 This is the True section, where we tell you how to live your life

Dandy Odditorium Cheap Movies at McConomy There are some bands who break significant All the nights, brought to you by AB, except n e w ground with each eart h - s h at t e r i n g Saturday which is SDC. 1 Buck. album they release. The Dandy Warhols, however, are not one of those bands. Over Wed: Life of Brian the years, the Dandys have showed sporadic 8 10 12 potential to be wonderful but are, quite sim- Life of Brian is a Monty Python movie that ply, too lazy to pursue it. As a result of this, is not the Holy Grail. It follows Brian (no with the exception of 2003’s Welcome to the shit) whose life just happens to resemble Monkey House, their albums are just short of Jesus’. Everyone thinks he is the messiah formulaic, with a mixture of fuzzed-out despite his best intentions to disprove it. spacy noise rock, twangy songs that stick in This movie is awesome and has people your mind for days, and a very obvious singing happily on crosses. Stop quoting the sense of humor and sarcasm. The Dandy Warhols Holy Grail and go see this movie.

Odditorium or Warlords of Mars, the latest New Country” are the mandatory twangy Thurs: Kontroll release from the Oregon-based band, is no tracks. It’s in the second half of the album 8 10 12 great deviation from this path. But, like that listeners are more or less rewarded for This film is from Hungary. Maybe you stop Dandys Rule, OK?, The Dandy Warhols Come making it that far. “Everyone Is Totally by Entropy before seeing this film so you Down, and Thirteen Tales from Urban Bohemia, Insane” is fun with a good beat behind it, won’t be hungry. Oh, look at that! readme the slacker-chic sound works. Assuming you and lead single “Smoke It” is a catchy, drug- made a funny; we are the essence of wit. enjoy that sound and don’t object to seven induced song that is more or less what’s There is no longer any point in writing, this and nine minute songs that don’t particular- expected as a Dandy Warhols singl e. is the apex of humor. This film is about ly have mu ch substance. All in all, “Down Like Disco” and “There Is Only ticket controllers and a guy named Bulscu Odditorium, which is named after the band’s This Time” are again the Dandys being the with a secret past, satire, and love. So says recording studio, is quite reminiscent of Dandys. imdb. their 1997 breakthrough, The Dandy Warhols Come Down. Odditorium or Warlords of Mars is basically a Fri: Howl’s Moving Castle Dandy Warhols album made for Dandy 7:30 10 12:30 After opening tra ck “Colder Than Th e Warhols fans. They’re not about to win any A beautifully animated film directed by Coldest Winter Was Cold,” which features new listeners with this one, but they’ve H ayao Miya z a k i , o f Spirited Away and documentary-style voiceovers courtesy of accepted their fanbase and provide those Princess Mononoke fame. It’s about a girl Bill Curtis, the band gets into the exceeding- fans with what’s expected. Basically, if who’s cursed and ages 80 years, and seeks ly spacy, exceedingly fuzzy, and exceedingly you’re a fan of the Dandy Warhols’ previous help from the eccentric wizard Howl, who long “Love is the New Feel Awful”. “All the releases, check out Odditorium; if you’re not, lives in a walking moving castle. It’s anime, Money or the Simple Life Honey” and “The don’t bother. so all you nerds are going to see it anyway, but it’s worth it Review: This Couch I Bought from a Dead Guy Sat: Madagascar My roommates and I bought this couch Then one roommate disappeared and we 8 10 12 from an estate sale. The couch in question found his bloody arm in the cushions. Then Here’s a story about some animals in a zoo looked like a pretty good buy: not ugly, the couch tried to eat us and chased over a who decide they want to see the big out- cheap, and with a pull out bed. The only cliff where it fell into the Pacific Ocean and doors and find that it’s not so fun when peo- downside was that it was really heavy. swam to Antarctica where it was defeated by ple aren’t taking care of you. There are pen- nuclear penguins. guins, but gasp, they act like mafia penguins. Then we get it moved in, and we realized I don’t believe! Mediocre CG ainmation the couch reeks. It smelled like chain smok- I would have to give the couch a two out of from Dreamworks. Yay. ing old people. So we sprayed it with five for effort, but it’s not worth your Febreeze, but that fails. Then we sprayed it money. So don’t buy couches from dead Sun: Rize with Tag Body Spray, but that smells worse. guys because they smell bad and eat people. 8 10 12 R i ze is a documentary about dancing. Specifically about krump dancing… I think. If you’d like to see less of these annoying ads... I'm really not sure what krump dancing is. Apparently it comes from south central Los join readme Angeles with roots in clowning and street email [email protected] youth culture. It is directed by Dav i d L a C h ap e l l e, who is pro b ably not Dave Photoshoppers, true writers and ‘fake’ writers needed Chappelle. That would be cool though. Issue 9,000,004 - readme p. 5 - September 28 - October 4 This is the True section, where we tell you how to live your life Built to Synth-Punk There’s a clear trend developing here. With the occasional exception of a large-scale show at an arena or stadium, most of the concerts worth looking into in Pittsburgh are at Mr. Small’s. This continues this week, with Built to Spill on Friday and Gang of Four on Tuesday – both a good opportunity for people to get in touch with the roots of today’s college-rock staples..

Built to Spill are, very simply, indie-rock legends. And as opposed to assorted other indie-rock legends like Pavement and Dinosaur Jr, Built to Spill are still around. Pop-ish riffs over jam- band-esque soundscapes highly influenced by the likes of Neil Young are pretty much the best way to characterize this band. They’ve more or Built To Spill less made a career of staying just outside of the mainstream while retaining a loyal – and gener- If you’re looking for something a bit livelier, ally college-based – following. For newcomers head to Mr. Small’s on Tuesday night for Gang to the college-rock and indie scene who find of Four. This British post-punk act is not only themselves enamored with the likes of Modest one of the most overtly political bands in histo- Mouse and Wilco, Built to Spill coming to town ry, they also were way ahead of the fold on the is an excellent chance to get in touch with the wailing dance-punk that’s suddenly everywhere. genre’s roots while also seeing how it’s “really” Bands like the Rapture and the Faint probably done. wouldn’t exist if not for Gang of Four. Ultra- progressive for their time, Gang of Four record- ed several albums in the early 80s and promptly self-destructed, like all good bands from that time did. But now, the original line-up is back together and are spreading the music again. Check out this show for a lot of energy, a lot of politics, and probably a fair amount of wild dancing. Also of note – openers Men, Women, and Children are the new band of former Glassjaw guitarist Todd Weinstock. Why those guys fo r med a scre a m o / h a rd c o r e band is beyond me what with MW&C’s dance-thrash Gang of Four and singer Daryl Palumbo’s Head Automatic as some kind of twisted disco.

Strippers Reenter New Shanghai Publ i s h e s Left-handed Wo m e n Orleans Guide to Spot Beggars Prone to Breast Cancer

Strip shows are back in New “ Re c ogn izing Phonies” is a Left-handed women are more O r l e a n’s Fre n ch Quart e r. guide from Shanghai’s Civ i l than twice as likely to develop Bourbon Street’s clubs opened Affairs Bureau to tell beggars pre-menopausal breast cancer this week and were crowded from swindlers. It contains an as right-handed women, possi- with police, f i r e f i g h t e r s and array of scams ranging from bly due to the exposure to hor- military personnel. The Déjà fake pregnant women to fake mones in the womb early in vu club wa ived its cove r monks and fake students. The life, according to researchers. charge, drinks were $3 and a guide will tells you the differ- Doctors say lefhanded women private dance was $1. It’s good ence. readme wishes someone shouldn’t worry, but you know to know the New Orl e a n s would publish a guide to tell they’re just saying that so you Bush does care about is back. which whores are acutally guys. don’t panic. Events and Things On and Off Campus

Wednesday September 28 Concert: Flowdown @ Club Café, 10 pm, $10, 21+ Movie: Life of Brian, McConomy, 8 10 12, $1 Concert: Remedy of Wu Tang, Rangos Ballroom, Event: IAESTE Carnegie Mellon General Body $5/student (presale), $8/student (door), $10/non-stu- Meeting, DH 2315, 6 pm, open to all dents Concert: The Maks, Greg Fitzgerald, Havoc Theory, Defcon @ Mr. Small’s Funhouse, 7 pm, $10, all ages Sunday October 2 Concert: Rolling Stones + Pearl Jam @ PNC Park, A Movie: Rize, McConomy, 8 10 12, $1 TON OF MONEY (but I got my ticket for free!) Concert: Jimmy Ponder Trio, The Underground, 8 Concert: Jill Sobule @ Club Café, 7 pm, $16, 21+ pm, FREE! Event: Kappa Dash, Schenley Park at Overlook Dr. 9 Thursday September 29 am-12:30pm, register to run at Movie: Kontroll, McConomy, 8 10 12, $1 www.andrew.cmu.edu/~kappa Lecture: Metallurgy at the Smithsonian, Adamson Wing BH136A, 4:30 pm Monday October 3 Event: Teatro Luna, McConomy, 4:30 pm Pittsburgh Life: NO EVENTS!?!?! Pittsburgh is get- Bagels: Free Einstein Bagels brought to you by ting lamer. Mortar Board, front of Doherty Hall, 8:30-10:30 am Concert: Pound for Pound @ Mr. Roboto Project, Tuesday October 4 7pm, $5 Concert: Gang of Four @ Mr. Small’s Funhouse, Concert: Cali AC, Deception Point, Eightfold, The 7:30 pm, $17.50, all ages Hopeless @ Mr. Small’s Funhouse, 7 pm, $10, all Concert: Drop Monday @ Club Café, 10:30 pm, $5, ages 21+ Concert: Amy Rigby @ Club Café, 7 pm, $12, 21+ Concert: Coheed & Cambria @ Club Zoo, 7 pm, $17 We NEED your events Friday September 30 Movie: Howl’s Moving Castle, McConomy, 7:30 10 to fill this space! 12:30, $1 Concert: After the Crash, Skibo Coffeehouse, 8 pm, FREE! Event: UC Fridays- Singaporean Food Festival, FREE advertising!!!! Merson Courtyard, 4:30 pm Concert: Built to Spill, Mike Johnson @ Mr. Small’s Funhouse, 8 pm, $17, all ages Concert: Ben Hackett @ Club Café, 7 pm, $10, 21+ Concert: Ray Lamontagne @ Rex Theatre, 8 pm, $17.50, 21+ Do you have events? Concert: Spin @ Sanctuary, 9 pm, $20 Do you like FREE advertising? YOU DO?! Saturday October 1 Email [email protected] with your event informa- Movie: Madagascar, McConomy, 8 10 12, $1 tion. Include a description, the time, date, location and Concert: Al Di Meola @ Mr. Small’s Funhouse, 8 cost. We will include it in this event listing ABSOLUTELY pm, $30, 21+ FREE! Believe it or not, people actually read this thing. Concert: Punchline @ Rex Theatre, 7:30 pm, $10, all I mean, you are, right? ages Concert: Espy, DiSpirito @ Club Café, 7 pm, $10, 21+