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FREE Non-profit Org. U.S. Postage Paid TUESDAY Volume 122, Number 45 Newark, DE ESC Permit No. 26 April 1, 1996 250 Student Center, University of Delaware, Newark, DE 19716 Godchow ressurects ilburfest BY CARLA CLAPSATTEL thousands of dollars donated annually to 74. of Prospect Street. said she had no Godchow, however, refuses to discuss the Staph Rtporrtr 4 ,600 students registered to vote in the the Embalmus House, a so-cal led complaints about Wilburfest until 1992, city code he successfu ll y lobbied for last Newark counr il elections, had influenced In a surprising turnaround , Helmut rehabilitative homeless shelter in Newark when she was struck on the head by a year, which effectively defeated Wilburfest his decision to host the party, Godchow ("Hell") Godchow- the Newark city - Wilburfest had come under increasing flying hibatchi while attending the festival. by stipulating that a gathering of 500 or replied. "Not at all. I have had a sincere counci I man who successfully legislated fire from the Newark community in recent "I enjoy the celebratory nature of more people constitutes a public, not a change of heart, following a near-death Wilburfest out of existence last year - has years. Complaints against the festival Wilburfest," Sludgwick said. "I e njoy private. affair, and must therefore request experience with a Jamaican hot pepper." volunteered to ressurect the event this include underage public drinking, public spending time with the youngsters. I even clearance from Newark Police. Godchow explained that while hi s body spring. and to host it in his backyard. urination, and more than six inches of ruled the mosh pit for a while - till "Fuck 'em," he said. " I made up that was technically dead for three full minutes "I must regretfully admit I was a little underwear worn above the pants. somebody pegged my noggin with 50 rule, and now I'm tossing it out. As for th e last month, he wi tnessed a bright red light hasty last year," Godchow said in a press " I don ' t mind a little noise now and pounds of cast iron." cops, Bill [Hoagie, chief of police] knows and an intense bombardment of heat. conference Monday. "I wasn · t thinking again:· said Horatio Wyaduck, a Wilbur After an abortive attempt to relocate which side his bread is buttered on. And "It really changed my life," he said. enough of the fine young pe ople of ewark Street neighbor, "but these kids just don' t Wilburfest to nearby Pennsylvania which side has dijon mu s tard with The revival of Wilburfest is scheduled and their recreation.'' have any respect for their elders. I mean, farmland last spring - with the condition horseradish on it. and wh1ch has imitation for Saturday, May 4. at 2372 Spooge Mill Godchow called the conference, he what they' re doing out there, in plain view that no alcohol would be served or cholesterol-free mayonnaise and sprouts, Road. Buttons required for ad mi ssion will said, "to hopefully ameliorate any hard ... in the name of fun ... and with those permitted - it appeared to the organizers, and whi ch has garlic-anchovy paste and be on sale "later this week" at various feelings that may exist between university tattoes with naked people .. . and those the participants and city council that romaine lettuce. Ya get my drift?"' Main Street outlets, according to festival students and myself." pieces of metal in their bodies .. . all over Wilburfes t was morally, ethically, Godch ow has further promi ed to organizer Charlotte Noseroller. Scheduled Wilburfest is an all-d1y music fe stival their bodies ... their pale young bodies ... spiritually. phys ically, positively. provide sufficient beer and other libations bands include R azor Bleu. linus, Christ that has traditionally taken place every in the most distressing of places " absolutely, undeniably and reliably dead. to ·'get the whole place wrecked - those with Croutons , Boy Sets Hair, Mamma spring since the 1970s in !he backyards of Wyaduck shuddered and could not Now, Godchow has reinvented the fest, over seven years old, anyway:· Leone's Bright Red Dildo, Catheterpillar, five duplex houses on Wilbur Street. continue. inviting organizers to put th e event in his When asked whether the recent voter and Oboe-37. Despite it c haritable c ontributions- Another neighbor, Hypolita Sludgwick, spacious backyard o n Spooge Mill Road. registration drive on campus, in which ·over Activist clowns UD march on Main St. sold to Public reaction to march is exceedingly negative; clowns cite la_ck of respect for Disney their essential clownhood. Officials BY COOKIE MONSTER we're people too, dammit." Pusrn Fiend The clowns' procession down Main foresee pest­ An angry band of clowns known as The Street went off with only a tew hitches. Sad Freaks paraded tl uwn Main Street last Locals Jason Brathead and Pippy Wednesday in d s how of ··unity , Dukidace, who are both members of the control atonement and that ba,tcally, we' re p(etty Newark Anti-Clown As-sociation, sprayed pissed off about cvcrythtng," according to the clow n s with water bottles, threw problems clown leader Joe Mamma. clown noses at them and tried to run over Mamma broke do wn the three - fold a few in a suped up clown car. BY DIPPSY 000 purpose o f th t! march in an e xclus ive "We hate clowns and we want them all Fr·ec: O .<; a Bt rJ intetview outsHh: ol Treat' s Restaurant. dead,'' Dukieface said . " They' re not Mickey, Minnie, Donald and "We wanted to show that we are unified funny, they're not entertaining and they Goofy will be ·crambling on up to as clown because we're a pretty rare really have no purpose at all. Why ask Delaware. Last Friday morning, the breed, man," Mamma said. "Not too many why?" Walt Disney Corporation purchased people want to be happy all day , you Sophomore George Buschbeer, who the University of Delaware for know. W:1en we get home, we just want to watched the parade from a safe distance $123,854,059,993,339 University down a few hots, kick our pels around for because "those maniacs scared" him, had President David S. Roper said . The an hour and pas out." many choice words for t he clow ns and buyout was announced at a pre s He said the "atonement" portion of the their message. conference in Smith Hall Friday by clowns· message was designed to make up "Those crillers really need to get a life. Di sney President and CEO Rich for any harm clowns may have brought to For o n e thing, being a clown is bad Bastard , with Roper. popular society. enough," Buschbeer said . "But these Di sney actre s Pocahontas and "We've screwed up at times. and we hippogriffs have to march down Main other Disney staff standing close know that. D . Ray o ver there came to a Street to show the whole damn town just beside him. circus in Lexington wasted and urinated how eerie and demented they really are." "Having such wealthy partners all o ver three little ktds. This one guy AI Sharpenedpencil. head of the like the people at Disney is a great Bubba dropped stx clowns when he was university's Affirmative Action asset to further inc reasing the carrying them around. So we ' ve messed department, call ed the march "silly"' and diversity of our fair community," up and we want to say we' re sorry, you "degrading.'" said Roper as he wa stuffing his kno \\ '1" ' '"I'm not even going to say anything briefcase with stacks of $ 100 dollar Mamma went on pin the ··anger" he and about this. These loon don't merit me bills. "Now if you' ll excuse me, I hi fellow clo wn s were feeling on the wasting any of my breath on them. Yuck. am going to the Bahamas to down ·' negative conno tations·· placed upon Ick. Blah. Ugh," Sharpenedpencil said, some seri ous gin." clowns in movies and the "dubious roles" spitting and spinning like a man possessed Di s ney has yet to release its that clowns are always given in fi lm s. in his swivel chair. THE RESCEW I John Reiffel pl ans fo r the univers ity to the '·How many horror movies have you National clown figures reacted to the Chief clown organizer Joe Mamma, of the Sad Freaks, sums up his public, but Bastard did li st a few seen with a clown as the killer? H ow march with a strange mixture of euphoria feelings at a Clown Power march on Main Street last Wednesday. items on the agenda. Soon the bricks of the university's walkways about ' Killer Klowns From Outer Space'? and nonsense. So me Newark locals were actually in H o use,'' o n to p of the tennis courts on will be painted gold and have What wa that all about?'' Mamma asked "I think that it's great that someone is favor of the march. Academy Street. When confronted with m o no-rai ls built over them , of no one in particular. finally aying something. I tried to make "Those clowns were so nice," said Mrs. the idea that students might get a little according to Bastard. " And that part in 'Poltergeist' when the waves for years," said Ronald McDonald, Poole, a former star of TV's "The Hogan angry if hi s group did this, Mamma only "The univer ity looks too bland. kid is attacked by a little toy clown. Now figurehead and advertising icon for the the Family" who lives on Tyre Avenue. '· I shrugged his shoulders. It's all one color," Bastard said. that ' s just ridiculous," he ranted. "And fast-food establishment McDonald's. "But made them cookies and baked them a "Those liLLie maggots," Mamma " We want to build a Magic Bart Stmpson: ' Can' t sleep- clown will R ay [Crock, the re s taurant 's founder] cake. Now that Jason Bateman is doing sneered. "In about a month, I' II have them Kingdom where Hullihen Hall is, eat me.· I could go on and on. The point would never let me say anything on the that stupid show over on the WB Network, all in the palm o f my hand s with our and have a bunch of short people in is. we're pretty damn ticked at this point air." I guess you could say I'm the J.F.K. what el e am I gonna do?" secret weapon, the 'Clown Gas.' Oops, I animal suits run around and hug and we want the negative stereotypes of o f the Movement, you know. Mamma said the march is only the first wasn't supposed to tell you that. Don ' t clowns to stop. "I even have a slogan: Ask not what the students. That will liven this place step in a much larger movement. He said print that." up. , "How are we ever going to get any circus can do for you. ask what you can do The Sad Freaks plan to build a Beginning next Fall Semester, re pect from anybody? We're clowns, but for the circus. Like it?" headquarters , known as "The Clown 1 campus life will be affected all around by the purchase of the university. Disney plans to change the name of East campu to " Happy Drunk Land" and o rth Central New 1996 commencement speaker announced will be renamed "Geekland.'' "We eventually want to diversify BEAST MAN Dane speak over someone like Bill Who? I've paid out the bull for that "Ri ralways rated Rappyl ," said the Aid." Shaggy wi ll meet with Scooby the names of all the areas on flnu hmarr sut~wr ·.~ Clinton or George Bush are of piece of paper. I want goddamn Mel seething Scooby when asked about the at the Wilmington air port near the campus,'' Bastard said. "W e are The univer ity surprised many immense proportions to the Gibson rambling about nothing over junior actor's identifying Scooby in a end of May. thinking about renaming the Kappa people and made Hanna-Barbera very importance of thi s fine university. it, not some goddamn canine." police lineup for alleged ties with the "Scoob and I were best buddies, A-lphabet Soup fraternit y to happy yesterday by announcing the Seldom do many fine universities let The focus of Scooby' s speech will Gambino crime family. "Ri ro uld 've offscreen as well as on," Shaggy said, ' Knockerup Village."' 1996 commencement speaker. No, it animals give commence ment tackle the ri sing costs of homelessness ropped a cap rin his rass." gazing nostalgically at an old still of Reaction around the university isn't Oliver Stone. Ted Kennedy or addresses. We propose to eliminate to society. welfare c uts a nd why The univers ity will be paying when he and Scooby thwarted the evil has been mixed. Apparently Barbara Bush. It is Scooby Doo. this form of bigotry by having Kathy Lee Gifford should have her Scooby $500,000 for hi s speech, or plotS of the Smog Demon. "After the Mickey and Goofy haven' t taken "Reah. ri'm reary rappy ro reak ro Huckleberry Hound and Magilla toenails ripped out from her feet. will let him pick out a bitch in the show was canceled, all we wanted too kindly to YoUDee. rhe rrass," said the elated great Dane Gorilla speak in years to come.'' Scooby began hi career in acting Newark dog pound for his own was to make a decent living selling "Ha Ha, when we get there and . in his posh Hollywood bungalow via Senior class reaction to the news in the late ' 60s and made over $12 personal use. "Rit's reen a rong time." drugs. And we would've gotten away find that blue chicken we're going cellular phone. "Rit reases me ro no ranged from joyous approval to billion for Hanna Barbera. Various Scooby panted over th e phone that with it, too, if it wasn't for those to make him see Jesus," a end." considerable disappointment. incarnations of 'hi s TV programs are was undoubtedly getting clogged with meddling kids!" he adds, referring to disgruntled Mickey said in a phone Scooby will join many famous "I couldn't be happy ... I mean, still aired in syndication. saliva and other wretched dog fluids. the sting in 1983 in which the group interview. ''I'll make sure we take a speakers such a-; Tom Clancy and happier," said abnormal psychology His career dwindled in the early To accompany Scooby will be his Menudo, acting as undercover agents shotgun to hi s kne!! caps.'' Maya Angelou in a long line of major Lea DePootie. " I think '80s due largely to a venomous and best friend Shaggy, who for most of for the F.B.I., bought a large quantity Goofy, who was among the Delaware greatnes;. Scooby's got a lot better grasp on very public palimony baule with the '70s was one of the biggest of ancient Egyptian eternal life serum entourage to attend the press University President DavidS. reality than someone like Tom former costar Velma, and to his battle Marijuana dealers on the West Coast. from the former TV stars. conference, expressed a stance to Roper gave the followmg prepared Clancy." with heroin and cocaine. By 1985 "Like, Zoiks! ," said the now "Like, I just hope Scooby doesn' t that of Mickey's. statement ; upponing his decision for Hermione Diphthong, a major in Scooby had spent most of his fortune hea¥ily obese Shaggy in his bring his bong and roach clips to this "A-h'yuck. This town ain't big funding a smelly and aging mongrel cheating at cards, disagreed. "Once rehabbing in the Betty Ford clinic, and Wilmington apartment, which is over ceremony like he did when he visited enough for all us mascots,'' Goofy 10 address thi s year's graduating class. again they're foisting secondhand had lost all ties with latter-day costars run by crack dealers. "I haven' t seen Kuwait during the Gulf War," Shaggy "The benefits of having a great material on us. I mean really, Scooby Scrappy Doo and Scooby Dumb. Scooby since '85 when he did Live said. see DISNEY page A3 A2. THE RESCREW • April I, 1996 End of the world barely upsets Pres. race

BY HOT SAUCE President of the United States one way or "Presidential Roast," Mrs. Clinton Forbes to drop out of the race early "so we that he was not only an investor in Hair s~nuwr Editor another," President Clinton said. responded, "I can never stay mad at the I­ could steal their ideas." Club For Men, but ''I'm also a client," he The fat lady sang Monday. The president, rendered ineffective and Man. He's sooo dreamy.'' Pat Buchanan, perhaps the candidate said . The Hyakutake comet, initially utterly powerless, spoke to The Rescrew In preparation of Rnal judgment, White most anticipating world annihilation, Gov. Carper was reported to have scheduled to eclipse the moon tonight, from underneath the John F . Kennedy House Press Secrdary Mike McCurry confessed a mutual respect and "more than snapped under the pressure, demanding his made an abrupt turn I

BY ROY ROGERS Only two cans of mace were asked the brothers to perform in No one was hurt from the president of Outer- Fraternit y broke into "I'm Getting Staff Horsewrangler emptied during the arrest, Pepper their annual "We ·Want Cash" broken glass, but a few Scrounge cou ncil, said he was very Sentimental Over You." The Three university Kappa Awful said. "And some of 'em liked it ,'' fu nd-raiser, and are not being held workers suffered from minor disappointed. "The whole incident phone conversation was cut short Disorder brothers were arrested he reported. accountable for the damage. hearing loss. was blown out of proportion. when Universily Police arrived in yesterday for singing out of tune "We are very sorry to hear what " I didn't want anyone to get "That singing was bad," Don't you know there are millions Roper' s office to arrest him. a pan of a sorority fundraising the boys did,'' Brookstrucks said. hurt," said Bridgette Bardot , Scrounge worker Ida Potato said. of bad singers out there? So what '~ Until the end of the month, no event , Dean of Emu s Timothy "They should have known better." Smegma Kappa assistant to the "I mean really really bad." She Here's a few more. Get over it, o ne will be allowed to sing in Brookstrucks said. He went o n to say that the Y­ vice-president. "I cried all day said she is quitting her job at the Newark." front of the Student Center, FBI The fraternity brothers were Chromes, a universi ty a cappella after the guys were arrested. I Scrounge, and wi II be joining the He suggested that next year the officials said. Trumpet playing, heard loudly crooning out of group, would have sounded a mean, they didn't sing great but local circus, where " no one will fraternity brothers could try however, is allowed, and at least harmony in front of the Gherkins " helluva lot" better and raised "a they looked OK." dare to sing out of tune to me, pa inting pictures instead of one digeridoo band has been Student Center Sunday morning, huge load of dough" for the event. The three fraternity brothers sister." singing, and promised to set up scheduled, Smegma Kappa University Police said, and were One senior Kappa Awful wi II be required to clean up the National Kappo Awful refused painting workshops in the fall. officials said. immediately taken into custody. singer, who will be faci ng the broken windows in the Scrounge, to comment on the incident but University President David S. "They were a menace to university judicial system next Brookstrucks said. The windows said, " We had hoped the boys Roper did not want to comment. society," Sgt r. Pepper of the week, said he was not sorry for broke during their rendition of would pick a so ng by Prince. "Uh,'' he said, "It was bad. I wish University Pulice said. "We had to the damage. "I love to sing, man. " Goodnight Sweetheart," as the Ooops, wait - I meant the Artist I had been there to :olrow the guys pull them out of there quick The rest of the world can sho ve crowd went into a fren zy and Formerly Kno wn As, ha ha. what to do. Hey - I know how to before too many innocents were it." jumped through any glass they Aren't I cute?" sing." maimed." Smegma Kappa sorori ty had could find. Silly Billy Wheresiswilly, To prove his point, Roper then The velvety voice behind UDPhone

BY RATSO RAMONE The rumor around campus was that the voice m-u-c-h,'' Ima says while one of Brookstruck's Meat Editor was just a recording or that it was computer­ assistants points a gun at her head. " How can In a beaten-down shack on the east side of simulated, but all of this was fal se information you complain w!th these great peas ... p-e-a-s? campus, Ima Luser sits and crouches and clears being fabricated by the evil minions who gather You can't even see the mold because they're her throat to begin. The small slot near the in the basement of Brown Dormitory, better green ... m-o-1-d , g-r-e-e-n.'' bottom of the door creaks and Ima becomes known as the Mutated Freaks. Ima also denied being coerced into her excited and begins to drool because she knows The Mutated Freaks formed in late 1991 , position. "The job I applied for was .. . full ," food is o n the way. A small dish of moldy aruund the same year that Ima was hired to be she said. "This position was open and fit my leftover peas trom last Friday's Kent Dining the UD Phone voice . There are some in the schedule." Hall lunch comes sliding through. upper echelon of the university administration, For the duration of a fo ur-hour-long One might think Ima was a prisoner of war iike university President David S. Roper, who interview, Roper and Brookstruck didn ' t or a kidnap victim or a White House employee. say th ey love Ima and who think the Freaks got mention the Mutated Freaks once. As Roper All three couldn't be further from the truth; Ima together to kill the "universi ty 's second was walking away, he destroyed the long­ is the sweet, soothing voice behind UD Phone. mascot." running fable of the Freaks. "You have requested information about Ima "lma's j ust great. We took her from her "That stupid-ass journalist thought that stuff Loser ... I m a L-o-s-e-r. Please enter your home in South Dakota and forced her to stay in about the Freaks was real. Who in the hell press credentials now," I rna says in that robotic that there shack and - with the help of some would bel ieve something like that? H ah!" but loving, caring voice. "Your last name is masking tape - she doesn't complain,'' Roper Roper ye ll s at Brookstrucks as they are both spelled Ramone ... R-a-m-o-n-e. You may says. walking away and popping open cans of proceed with the interview. Roper likened Ima to The Gimp in Quentin Natural Light. "How long have we been able to " For a longer answer, press one. To shut me Tarantino's "Pulp Fiction." keep that wench Ima locked up because of th e the hell up, press two. If you think bananas and "Yeah, she 's like the freakin' Gimp all right. freaks? Ten years?" chicken and c hocolate should never go We don' t let her get o ut much, you know," Apparently, the myth of the Mutated Freaks together, pre s three, hold down the star button Roper says. "Me and Dean [Timothy] was never a rumor around cam pu s and I was and swi ng the phone like Roger Daltry twirlin' Brookstrucks will send somebody over there to writing out of my asshole. R o per and a microphone during ' My Generation,"' Ima feed her some leftovers every once in a while, Brookstrucks had pulled off a major gag, and rambles. but we don ' t pay her no mind." the fact that !rna was indeed a prisoner became When confronted with the acusation that the English professor Hugh Areyou says there reality. message on UDPHONE is missing a noun at the might be some human rights violations "I don't mind being stuck here in this shack, end (''Welcome to UDPHONE, the involved and that he intends to call Amnesty it's better than being dead ... d-e-a-d," Ima says un vive rsity' s drop-add and grade reporting - THE RESCREW I File Photo International to notify them. At the time of while one of Roper's assistants sharpens a hot Ima Loser, the disembodied voice of UDPhone, considers "}, lma can only sit and blush. prim, Areyou was subdued (by heavy narcotics) poker. "It could be worse, I could be a member " I was supposed to say 'jamboree,"' she and tied up in the back of The Rescrew offices. of the New York Jets ... N-E-W Y-0-R-K J-E­ herself fortunate to have her job with the university. says. frowning. "I just couldn't do it.'' "I don' t complain much ... c-o-m-p-1-a-i-n T-S." Campus Calendar Police Reports BACH TO PLAY LEWD IS phone waiting for something, anything Sebastian Bach, the former lead singer when Michael called," said Ram Babba, for the '80s cheese-metal band Skid Row, who changed his name from Michael J. ROPER AND BARNEY: "I' d like to fry that stinkin' chicken,'' "All 33 vehicles were found Sunday will perform at Lewdis Hall on April 23 Fox when he converted to Islam last THE ODD COUPLE s aid junior Bob Bobbypin , one of the morning on the front lawn of uni versity in a solo acoustic performance. The show month. About 500 freshmen were arrested at students injured in the accident. " Geez, President David S . Roper. No pizzas were is part of Bach's "Why Bother?" 1996 the Russell dorms for taking mushrooms those turds must have been 5 feet long!" in evidence." World Tour. CIRCUMCISION SIGN-UPS and seeing Barney the Dinosaur in drag, On his European dates, Bach has The cut-off date for the SCAB ­ police said. The students proceeded to rolled out stripped down versions of Skid sponsored Circumcision Registration is take empty beer bottles and throw them at PIZZA FLEET GROUNDED SLAVE FRANK RETURNS WITH A Row gems "18 and Life To Go,'' "I April 9, and they will be held in Barney, who turned out to be University Every pizza delivery outlet in Newark VENGEANCE Remember You" and " Monkey Pierceson Hall from 9-11 a.m. President DavidS. Roper. was put on hold last Saturday when an A man wearing only a chain-link fence Business," as well as dazzling covers of. There will also be sign-ups for the " The pain experienced by my person unknown person or persons stole and brandishing a bullwhip streaked down James Brown 's "Living In America" and Foreskin Restoration ,Operation on April was traum a-inducing and damaging to approximately 33 delivery vehicles, said Main Street yesterday, disturbing shoppers Ah-Ha's "Take On Me." I0 at The Bob and Weave Center. someone of my stature,'' said a bandaged Capt. Jute K . Zippo of the University and stopping traffic for almost 10 minutes Tickets for the show are $1 .50. R oper. "The ramifications of s uch a Police. intthe middle of rush ho ur, police said. RIDE 'EM COWBOY disturbing event in my mind's eye lead me The same unknown party apparently Capt. John Coarsely of University Pubic PAPA SMURF TO SPEAK AT THE The university's agriculture to believe that our fine students need to be ordered pizzas to be delivered in rapid Safety said the man , who has become SCRUNGE department will be sponsoring a sheep studied and millions of research dollars succession to the fourth floor of Smith known to police as "Slave Frank,'' streaks Papa Smurf, that lovable, white­ wrestling program called ''Wool You Be need to be lobbied for." Hall , which does not exist. While the every year during the third day of the first bearded leader of the Smurfs, will lecture My Baby" on May 3 in the wrestling The 500 students in question popped drivers were running into the building and lunar cycle of spring. He earned his at the Scrunge on May 2. The theme of room at the Slob Carpenter Center. about 20 mushrooms apiece and described up the stairs, the thief or thieves got into nickname, Coarsely said, because he was Papa's speech. entitled "Smurf Off, "Sheep wrestling is already huge in the outside world as "groovy." their cars and drove them away. wearing thigh-high boots and eating a hot Smurf Face," is that Smurfs are superior Bangladesh and Australia. No pun " It's like, wow! Barney the dinosaur All 33 vehicles were found Sunday dog one year. beings, and that humans are "foolish intended. Hee, hee," said Hugh G. came bustling o ut of the woods with a morning on the front lawn of university "We think it's some sort of ancient mutants bent on destroying the planet." Rektion, head of the university's Animal dress on," said sophomore Rinky Doo. President David S. Roper. No pizzas were pagan rite of spring,'' Coarsely said. Hefty Smurf will open the festivities Husbandry Program. It is not clear whether the dress was in evidence. Police were able to subdue the man with a weight-lifting exhibition. also an hallucination. University Police gave the following when officers shed their uniforms and Admission i six points or 4 dollars in STUDENT NUISANCE RETURNS account of the incident: firearms to don leather panties and riding Flex. FROM TURKISH PRISON "Every pizza delivery outlet in Newark crops. Slave Frank faces several charges David Nuisance, a university student WHO HID THE POOPER SCOOPER? was put on hold last Saturday when an in district court. ''FAMILY TIES" REUNION IN THE who spent half of the spring semester Seven students were injured last unknown person or persons stole "If that fence was barbed wire," HENZZZONE tudying abroad in England and the other Tuesday when YoUDee, the university's approximately 33 delivery vehicles. Coarsely said, "he might have seriously Malerie (Justine Bateman), Alex half in a Turkish Prison, will talk about mascot, defecated on the North Mall and "The same unknown party apparently hurt himself." (Mahmoud Ram Babba), Jennifer (Tina torture and pain in Memorial 210 on didn ' t clean it up, said Lt. Kert "Branch" ordered pizzas to· be delivered in rapid Youthers), Elise (Meredith Baxter April II. Davidian of the Oldark Police. succession to the fourth floor of Smrth Bernie) and Steven (Michael Gross) Nuisance, who was thrown in the "That damn bird! As if that whole gaff Hall , which does not exist. While the -Compiled by Lem Possit & Tim Screevy Keaton reunite for the first time since the pnson after talking about "PC Bullshit" last year with the barbiturates and drivers were running into the building and demise of mega-popular '80s ''Family too much, will talk for hours and hours lederhosen wasn't bad enough," said up the stairs, the thief or thieves got into Ties" to kick off their speaking tour about nothing at all and show off hi s university President David S. Roper. their cars and drove them away. entitled "Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down: dorky pony tail for all to see. Family Schmegma." "I can't wait. I was sitting by the -compiled by The Loco Bandit

t April!, 1996 .THERESCREw•A3 Res crew The chase for News Summary Pacman speeds up sw!J~~{Yo8n1l~!,~]~acts BY STINKY RAMlREZ you know?" From time to time a group of people comes Section Swtce Edttor Blinky was also anxious to lend a hand to along with wisdom and knowledge to han With the he lp of some Power Pellets and the case. down to future generati o n s of university fo ur very helpful ghosts, Lt. Jim Flathead of "He used to say we felt hi s wife up. Come stud ents, and please be assured, they aren' Oldark Police has si ngle-handedly pinpointed on, man, it's just a game. She wanted to take Rescrew reporters. what has been chomping up lawns on Chapel our cherries, strawberries and pretzels. Now is Thi s is a tidbit of informa tion that Justi Street and the North Mall for over two months that right?" Blinky asked angrily. "We spent Putz says every time he works at The Rescre now: Pacman. years working that blue square cage trying to 95 hour a wee k . The world-famous yellow ball with a get th at guy. Finally, reve nge will be ours!" " We jus t don't know how t o do anythin mouth was sighted by stude nts last night Inky and Pinky refused 10 comment, citing right," say the Putz as he takes a drag off of hi munching on some bushes outside of New that the "frustrati on is just too much." Blinky joint and follows up h is s moke-filled ingestio Castle Hall, Flathead said. When one of the said the othe r two are far too militant and students, freshman R aymond Blubby, by downing 12 s hots of rum. " Probably becaus bitter form their extended unemployment. bellowed, "Dudel That's freakin' Pacman!" "Since Pacman and his wife took off, the we a r e hi gh 24-7 and take o ur bong the arcade hero darted for cover down Main who le job thing has been kind of s low," everywhere we go." Street and rolled towards th e Christiana Blinky said. "You know, with all th at high­ Th e Rescrew prides itself on comp le tely Towers area, Flathead added. tech, vi rtu al reality Sega stuff going on, what mis re presentin g the truth and the American Flathead said Pacman is wanted on charges the hell are we gonna do? Who in the world way of li fe. Oh, a nd they like dance around i of destroying private property, violating would want fo ur badly drawn ghosts in their their underwear to Bon J ovi, a lbums accordin paro le (from previous s ubstance abuse game? We can't even make anybody bleed. to the hallucinating Jus tin. charge ) and unnecessary ealing. Maybe we could get guns or someth ing sharp "On e tim e we mistakenly reported tha " Man, I had no idea Pacman was real, on our sheets or something. I don' t know:· university president D avid S . Roper had b een man," Blubby said. ''I've been Pacman - on Flathead said he believes he is on the verge kidnapped by Colombian drug lo rds," says th Atari 2600- about a zillion times but this is of nabbing the round rabble-rouser. He said glossy-eyed reporter. "We thought th the first time I've ever seen him. Pacman must be caught and Slopped before Colombians had his left foot cut off because h "I mean, how does that dude get around? some serious university or city infrastructure wouldn 't divulge the secret information as t That night he just roll ed away, bul does he is damaged, or before somebody gets hurt. have little legs under him? I'm just all freaked THE RESCREW I File Photo how the pig in the movie " B abe" was able t "Last week we found a big chomp in the out right now. I'm going to go guule a beer in back of the Student Center, but Pacman has no Former World Wrestling Federation star The Undertaker is speak." my dorm room now and maybe play some teeth. The real danger is that he could get M isreporting is the backbone of a n y issue o the new head of Diner Services. Asteroids instead.'' some power pellets and do so me real But how can they turn out s uch The Rescrew. The four ghosts assisting Flalhead in the damage." Flathead said. "He doesn't eat <>illiness every 1ssue? For one, they mis-quot search were acquaintances of Pacman in the people or meat, but who's to say that guy people out the Wazoo. mid-'80s. Inky, Blinky, Pinky and Clyde have couldn't come flying and then just swallow "Tho'>e juvenile delinquents at. that R esc re~v Dining Services' all come out of hiding - the four have been somebody?" haven't any inkling as t o w h a t responsible] keeping a low profile si nce their 1986 arrest University President David S. Roper said writing i ," pipes Drew Angl ophile, who i s 1 on sexual assaull charges (they were acquitted the school will not be clo ed because of the Grand P ooba of the Honors Society Dungeons for lack of evidence), filed by Ms. Pacman. Pacman case but stres ed that he is concerned. lively new chief and Dragon Guild. " I am so much better offj The latter claimed th at "Pacman Jr.·· was so 'The invasion and intrusion of Pacman on than the likes of tho"e slacked-jawed! named to keep up appearances. and that she our community certainly is a dilemma that o rangutans. has no way of knowing which of the four casts a metamorphic haze over the festive BY SLOPPY JOE big mistake." A Pretl\ Good Sandwich "Once they ca ll ed me for some of my ghost actually s ired the scrappy young atmosphere of the spring solstice,· Roper said. "You think I've forgotten about that Placing dead bodies IntO coffins i n '1 guy? No. no, no~"' Brrra yell in a fit of worldly advice as to how many hit points yo gobbler. "We cannot let the indignant, barbaric, archaic The ghosts said th ey are willing to help out functionalism of reprehensible dichotomies the most fun in the world. Shoving live rage. "Me, Zeus and King Kong Bundy need to kill an Ice Dragon. I replied as I alway in whatever way they can. undermine the integrity of our institull'ln. The bodies forcibly into coffins ain't all that are coming for him. And it won't be do to those pack of gossip mongers, I simp! " I want to nail that wiseass Pacman," Clyde vesicular rhetoric of s tolid repudiation is much fun, either. pretty, I guarantee it. You will be mine said, 'I am not sure you are worthy enou g h fo said. ''We used to chase him around in the apparent in this case." But the latter was pretty much the day­ once again, Undertaker!! Do you year what I have to tell you.' And they completely '80s, and every time we'd get close to htm. No one in the university administration has in-day-out life of fonner World Wrestling me? I hope you're lislening l You will be misreported it!" he' d down one of those damn power pellets responded to inquiries as to what Roper is Federation wresller and new head of tnine!" Ang lophile recited from the Sept. 22 Rescre"1 and chomp on us. Now thm's just not cool. talking about. unJ\ersit) Diner Services The The Undenaker leans his head against a rticle: Accord1ng t o A n g lophile, Dungeon Sj Undertaker. After wresung for nearly a the top of a doorway in ClarkKem dining a nd Dragons offers incredibly smart students 3 decade, lhe 300-pound monslcr from hall as slUdents vomll and try to force the c hance to explor e o ther dimensions wh il ~ Parts Unknown has moved on to forks. horrendous food down their throats. It has eating p o tato c hips and c iting Monty Python kni,es and veal. become a son of game among many of Caught with the sauce '·Gm. Hulk Hogan. Arrrrgggghhh 1" the university's studems to challenge their o ne-liners such as " Neep!" "Killing Ice Dragons is cool, uh - huh- huh­ The Undenaker say'>."] just love work.ing friends to try to eat ClarkKent's food after huh ," Anglophile said. for D1ner Services. And l love veal. "getting all liquored up." Junior in critical condition after saucing it up Especially when n·.· raw·· That incjdent cost The Rescrew $500 dollar "I thmk ll' s great. I love to see the kids The Under::lker first started \~Testling having fun, even if they are vomiting. I in monopo ly money and they weren 't allowe BY UNDERDOGG knocked um:onscious. At first John on&Johnson had something at Acorn Htgh School 111 Babalugaville. used to make people vomll all the time to pa "Go" for three issues. S &M Eduor Giablomi tried to run. but after to do with, Dover getting all of 1 South Dako1a. His unorthodox patent when I was m the WWF. And those were "I don' t unde rstand why The Rescrew resort A student is strapped to a bed ftve seconds or so he was that sauce. Can you believe that'? ·· mo\e of shovmg oppnnenl> mto coffins JU t people in the audtencc watching~'' and "foaming at 1he mouth like a Police are slill searching for to such silliness in their s tories," Anglophil swamped in the McNugget ·auce. was disallowed at fir t by the The Undenaker bellows. dog in heat" at Christiana Hospital Von Hayes said that what Dover. No one really knows what says as he gingerly sips from hi s bottle o Hermypenny school Jtstnct. but was later The Undertaker just sits and ~ mile s after being found on the floor of happened next is very hazy; all charges he could be slapped with. Evian s pring water. " I shou ld be in charge. I legaliLed when The Undenaker while the doors close on another day of his Sypherd Hall room late "You know, that Dover kid has would be so much more intelligent a nd police know at this time is lhat threatened the head offictal's life. fine dimng. He nods to The Iron Shetk, Wednesday night, univefSlty most of lhe sauce packels were it coming to him ," Pants said. en li ghtening." j ''That dude was a maniac,'' ays Grape just one of many former WWF staples police said. hot mustard and not barbecue. "Dover stockpiles that stuff and Putz says that the more Th e Rescrew reports, Ape, a former nemesis of The Wllh no life whom he has hired as a Lt. Alexander Von Hayes After becoming overwhelmed by does god-knows-what with it. the worse off the campu s is. 1 Undertaker's in h1s days at Acorn. "We worker. found junior Heywood Giablomt the tons of sauce, Giablomi Actually I do know ... he. uh. had some great hattles, but I wouldn't ''I love working for ~lr. Undenaker. "Every day of m y life I come to the o ffi c unconscious and foaming at the uses it, you know? He slams into slarted shaking violent!) while want to fac~ him again for all the wimps He is great man," The Iron Sheik says. higher than a kite conve ntion," Putz says as h mouth when he responded to an foaming at the mou1h and the wall, which is next to my bed, in France Now that he· s I he head of '·U.S.A., hak-tui!" he adds, spining on the inhales a mysterious w hite p owd e r. "I m ake it~ emergency call from Giablomi's eventually lost consciousness. and yells and screams. Dtner Servtces at Delaware, I'm really ground. point to call all of m y sources and insult the "There's nothing wrong with neighbor, junior Luc Pants. Von Hayes stressed that the afrrud of hun ." The Undertaker has also hired with four le tter words. And then I ask the Von Hayes said the incident doing it, I mean, I've done il on e, incident could have ·'severe The Undertaker applied for the JOb Leaping Lanny Poffo - a.k.a. The serious questions like. ' H ow d oes seeking a, may revolve around the repercussions" for the use of or twice. or maybe a few hundred when he ate at the Scrunge and Genius - as a cook in the kitchen. The balanced budget amendment he lp to douse the "countless" number of thousand times, but c'mon. That's Me ugget auce on campus. ClarkKent Dining Hall and found lhem ndertaker says that desplle a few McDonald's Chicken Me ugget just sick." s u spicion that President Clinton only cares Dean of Chickens Timo1hy bolh lobe "rather inadequate." spontaneous baules royales thai have sauce pacakges that were found in about sleepi ng around o n his wife and eating: Brookstruck let slip a rumor that One official al Christiana "Raaaarrrm-' Boogaaabooogaaar' The erupted belween Poffo and lhe Sheik, the room and spilling into the hall. the sauce "de!innely. positively" Hospital said Giablomi's Cheese D oodles?'" Undertaker says. ·'J ate at those places thing have worked out preny well. Von Hayes gave this account belonged to Director of Athletes condition was "very erious." The reaction of many un ivers ity employees and felt hke eating the resl of the butlding ·'Rmaaarrmll ll Reeeeaaarrm ll He· of what police think rna) have Bob Johnson&Johnson, who 'Til tell you, thai boy should to The Rescrew's asinine question is u s u ally when I was done . But bes1des the small a preny damn good cook. l mean, how happened: ·'keeps piles and piles of the stuff be put to sleep. He just won't shut filled with rage. amount of food they have m each meal, hard is it 10 cook raw veal?" The Giablomi returned from hts 7- m locker at the Bob Carpenter " If they call me ... ever again,'' says G oofy a up or slop freaking out for one they also made the mistake of cooking Undertaker asks. "Except for the few 10 night class, "Great 20th Center for his ... games." second," Dr. Mike Rotch said. cverylhing. times I've caught him writing poems on Ricero nnzo of th e Sociology a nd Othej Century Bricks," to find that his Von Hayes agreed it i very '·Look. jusl put all of the "1l1erc 's no1hing mthe world like raw the back on the veal and then throwing it Meaningles Studies department. " I wi ll b room was filled with the packets poS>tble !here was a conspiracy information about 1hat whining cow or veal wtth a little goat blood, you around like a Frisbee, he's been perfect." forced to hunt them down like the pack o of auce and hi roommate. mvolved. little turd in the last graph of knowr So students keep on puking, university gutless wolves th at they are and force-fee sophomore Ben Dover, was gone. ·'Oh yeah. someone in the whatever piece of crap article you Paul E. Berra, The Undenaker' officials keep scrambling and The them usele s info rmatio n about how importan~ Giablomi was pummeled by university administration had wri le for that rag down there at manager and keeper while he wa;, in the Undertaker keeps on leading Diner the studies of "crowds" are compare d to " riots." the packets - which allegedly somethmg to do with 1h1s ... Von the university. Who the hell cares WWF. says his fonncr protege's move to Servtces into bolder and brighter That wi II learn those leeches." belonged to Dover - and was Hayes said. "No doubt aboul it. about him anyway?" the world of dm;ng ef\'tces was "a big. di recuons. Jus tin was more than willing to divulge th ~ secret information as to what makes Th Rescrew tick. " W e drink h eav il y when we write ou~ Delaware lowers legal drinking age to seven s tories," he says. "We also like to pick on th Ci staff members who a re different from ourselve BY KIN l. FINISH Castle Brown Ale!" drinking age to 18. " An ythi ng Now they hobble in drunk from cute g uys came in and like we and s hout at them." Swff Bullshiner The S1eer Park isn · t the only Louisiana can do, we can do one shot of Jack Daniel and run were drunk and felt like hooking A to what goes into writing the s tory? In an act of legislation that has place being hit by the new better," piped Bertha around screaming 'Thundercats! up, but like, they had braces on and " We jus t lie mos t of the time," Justin blurt be described as ''bone-headed," the monsoon o f prepubescent beer Congresswoman of the Delaware HO!''' reeked of Eimers Glue! Like, how out with a puddle of drool forming around hi rul ers in charge of maki ng sure guzzlers. Grade school buses have Senate. ''Drinking wi U teach those Not only are bar owners gross is that?'' Delaware is clean decided to lower desk. " We a lso like re porting on stori es tha been re-routed to stop at the Stone little rugrats some self-control and experiencing some discomfort The fraternity houses are also a the state's drinking age to 7, a Buffoon at lunch time, making the how to manage themselves!'' 1have utte rly no news in the m and bill them up about intoxicated youngsters lit tle confused as to what to do with confused liquor store owner said. bartenders a little edgy. Reaction to the new drinking to be the greate t things to come along sincejl running around in !heir bars drunken little girls. "I swear to almighty Jesus in "For the hundredth time! We age al the school level has been screaming "I gotta pee!" at the top those Budweiser commerc ials with the frogs in "What the hell are all these heaven above, it is the damnedest don' t se ll Strawberry Quick predominantly outraged. of their lungs, but Greek life is midgets doing in here'p." screamed them." I thing I've ever seen.'' said AI Kuhlua and Creams1'' sai d Ernie "Have you ever had to teach a undergoing quite a bit of a heavily wasted Ken I. Drink of One of the more frightening incidents of Koholic, owner of the Steer Park Burt to little Bobby Higgins of drunk 6th grader?,'' asked Betty confusion. Sigma Nougat. "I mean, I'd love to Rescrew mi reporting was the time they on Main Street. " I had a whole Newark Elementary. Boopers, a teacher at Newark "Like, oh my God!" said !rna get tl1e e little guys to pledge, but mistakenl y reporte d that mutant species o flock of I 0-year-old s come in The new law closely follows Elementary. ''It' bad enough they Ditz of Kappa Delta Ortega Mu we do have a minimum age k i Iter rats were coming out of the sewers an today and ask for a case of New Lo uisiana's lowering of their eat all the glue and piss their pants. M u M u sorority. "Like, lhese really requirement, you know?" infe ting the fraternity houses on campus. Th Rescrew stated that the rats ate the entir Silence of the Lambda B eta Alf the alie Hou e , then proceeded to drink all the beer a Disney Cprporation buys UD the Steer fark and to hunt down hot chicks. Outerfraternity council president Silly Billy continued from page A I to some of the Disney characters. Wetsiswi!ly gave the following reaction to tha "Well, my brothers and me invited Snow White and story. said with a tinge of malice glowing in his hollow black Cinderella to the house this weekend for some beers eyes. "We are going to make YoUDee hit the floor and and wings," said Jake Usessteroids of Kappa Alphabet "The Rescrew is saying that mutant mice at drown in hi s own blood." Soup. "I hear those babes can really pull off some our h o u se and that they drink at the Stee Several campus organizations are curious and at the wicked keg stands." Park?! When did this happen?" asks Silly. " same time nervous about the Disney consonium. City officials have expressed concern regarding the have been up to The Rescrew more times tha " What the hell is going to happen to us next?," infestation of Newark by giant rodents; some have Madonna orgasms and never once did I see any piped up DUSC leader Raymond O ' Dingleberry. considered taking drastic measures to remedy the new Mutant Rats. Those guys are the biggest bunch "Those wretched rodents and dogs are fi !thy and pesl control problems. of freak ever to c limb down from the bell di sease-ridden. They' re not good enough for the likes Already one incident has resulted in hard fee lings tower. You can ' t take those guys seriously a of my constituents!" Overhearing that remark, Donald between Disney and th e c urre nl universily all . Whe re did they mutate from?" Duck quickly put an akido c ho ke hold on management: an exterminator was called in to bug Putz s ips from his keg of beer overhearing all O ' Dingleberry and locked him away in a dark room bomb Memorial Hall, killing Jiminy Cncket, who was of these storie and kicks his feet up to look ou that was infested with rals and tarantulas. there scouling out a new office. THE RESCREW I File Photo the window of The Rescrew. While the Disney methods of management are a bit Absolutely no one in the universi ty admini tration (Left to right): Pocahontas, university President · "Hey," he cheers. "All in a day's work." unconventional- Roper, particularly. expressed could be reached for comment on the death of Mr. Cricket. David S. Roper, Goofy and Disney CEO Michael dismay at the prospect of having to smile whenever he The new Disney regime is slated 10 last forever and Eisner at Friday's press conference is in public- a few student groups have taken a liking will mos l likel y expand by buying the Eastern A4• THE RESCREW . April I, 1996 EDITORIAL/LETTERS

'I'I-:IE IN THE TRADITION OF FINE DISNEY FILMS AS ESCREW THE MIGHTY DUCKS AND BIG GREEN, THE WALT Founded in 1882 DISNEY CORP. PROUDLY PRESENTS THE STORY OF A FOOTBALL TEAM WITH A SMALL And now, the PROJEIL18:1\Zl ...... Disney version ...... THEIR STATE. First it was ARA. Then a monopoly on Coca-Cola. Now the unthinkable has happened: the university has abdicated to the animated. Last week the Walt Disney Corporation purchased the University 'fHI~ FIGB'fiNG III.. m~ mWS of Delaware for an unchartable sum, finalizing President David S. Roper's long-standing unwritten plan to corporatize the university STARRING: into oblivion. ow it's not that we at The Rescrew don't like huge smiling mice. We've even been known to use them in our research. (Which newspaper doe the mouse prefer to urinate on, for example, or what happens when you splice a diptera "make eye" gene in a mouse's butt. For the record: "The ational Star," and the butt grows mouse eyes on a stalk that stare longingly at flies.) But we do have serious reservations about the mega-merge trend in general and the Disney Corporation's hungry acquisition of everything in sight in particular. We can't help but recall the day when Disney was in the entertainment business, making movies and MIKE LEWIS as JIMMY MILLER HEATHER MOORE and BILL WERDE theme parks and staying the hell out of educational ventures. SNITCH THE as THE COACH as THE asCRAZYFAN Of course, there was always a thin veneer of instruction coating REPORTER CHEERLEADER/ Disney 's child-aimed projects. Just look at " Pocahontas," for SCHOOL'S LONE example. Last summer's Disney-movie-to-end-all-Disney-movies (­ ADMINISTRATOR until-the-next-one) was a veritable treasure trove of American history. Beside being the most egregious example of accelerated LETTERS TO THE EOITOR aging since Judy Garland played a 10-year-old in "The Wizard of Oz," Disney's NAP ( ative American Princess) was also a little More Christian values, please are you >hawing me all these damn white men? words of The Werde, revelling in his wisdom ancf hi gh in the hormone department. John Smith's spinning arrow, The Review serriously needs to have it insight. indeed. I would like to express by heartfel t gratitude to photographers find women and minorities doing I know of many others at the university who things, and putting them on the front page. feel as I do. In fact, we are attempting to orginize But who cares about history? This is art, dammit! And the same Paul Smith Jr. , for reminding students to look to The Lord for support and guidance, and for trying And the game they're playing - whitne ball? to form the Werde Wanna-be Lover Support sort , ~r processes that change a friendship into a flirtation, a tragic to preac.h good Christian values at this heathen, How absolutely disgusting 1 Striking a thrown hall Group. All those interested, please attend our ending into a giddily happy one, are all set to work that Disney hedonistic university. with a long, plastic phallus? I' m appalled. 'ot meeting on April 4, 111 I 804 East Tower. mag1c on campus. Honestly, I don't know how he can stand to only should The Review be ashamed of giving work in an office where demon-weed smoking white men such blatant coverage, bul the Greek Werde's Devoted Diciple, Ah, we can see it now ... first the mouse ears. Nothing cuter than Community should be ashan1ed of participating in J. Alfred Prufrock. the mouse ears. Mouse ears on all the Blue Hen Hosts, who, after and the selling of women's bodies is appropriate for reporting. Obviously, the people at The such male-centered. wind-stealing, phallus-waving all , have been trained in the Disney-Nazi style for years anyway. Review have not learned to conlrol their more activities. And this is the Kappa Alfalfa house, where good little girls go to animal, heathen side, and raise themselves above Beneath this penis-waving photo is yet another Desirous of nomenclature meet, nice, respectable young men. And this is Sono Halfway to the pleasures of the nesh. white male, with his blue-and-gold tic and his self­ eludication Admittedly, il is very easy for me to avoid the satisfied smi le, knowing he's pressing blacks and Freedom, in honor of some black thing or other. And this is the women and Hi spanics and Asians and all them temptation o f women, because none have I have a question about the front page of the President's house where you might get invited to if you do a really other folks into the Eurocentiric ideal of what an submitted to me in my moments of weakness. March 22 editi on of The Review: what the good job in school. Isn 't the landscaping nice? educated person should be. I don't care what the However, when I fantisise about women (not screaming hell is a "veep.'? Only it's not the President's house anymore. It's Eisner's. Gosh, while masturbating, of course), I fantasise about slate of the world is; in fact, reality is completely irrelevant - we should be concerned with ideals, thi s'll really piss Katzenberg off, huh? And the landscaping is now having a wife who will perfonn bizarre and kinky Thanks, with thought. not with this mortal coil of reality. papier-mache and plastic, with wee audio-animatronic birds singing sexual acts with me- while under the confi nes of Stu wart Pid Minorities should be allowed to express their on every tree. Somewhere in the Hotel and Restaurant Management holy matrimony. In fact, while married, I can have Senior, Engineering sex with my woman (or, as I like to think of my seperate identities, regardless of the effect it wou ld department, students are tryi ng on grass skirts in preparation for imaginary woman. my bitch) whenever I want. have on the culture. po:-iti un at the Polynesian Resort Hotel. Somewhere in the history Now. isn't that preferable to rutting with random In addition, I would like to express my Why am I being ignored? department, Lincoln masturbates. Four score years and seven inches partners like dogs in the street? disapproval of the second-page story, in which The Review said that two-thirds of all AIDS cases ago ... And how Mr. Smith (or as I like to think of I would like to express my dissatisfactiorf with are in the Originally-African-but Forcibly­ him, St. Paul) can work at that Satan 's toilet paper the univeristy's UD-Phone sy tem. I recently As tor the other curricula, we can't foresee anything good Removed-by-The-Oppressive-White-Man of a newspaper, wnh all those queer and queer attempted to change my Spring Semester happening (and, really, why should we? We're journalists.) Community. This sort of reporting, although lovers is beyond me. I suppose he s1mply has schedule, but was greeted with a recording saying, completely backed up by facts and probably of Literature classes are obsolete when such trivi al elements as plot more self-control and patience, wading among the "The course you have selected, Remedial interest and use to the student body of the and characterization are deemed expendable by the management. soiled masses who approve of such God-offending Breathing 101 , conflicts with your current univeristy, is really inappropriate for print. The sciences might fare better, if only because there's still some activities. schedul e. You are dead. Please contact your However, keep 1hem damn fags out of the Personally, I would probably feel the need to dean's office. Thank you." folks somewhere hoping to thaw out Walt. paper. I don't know why, but I find them very cleanse the office wi th holy fire, searing the devil I've tried talking to my friends and professors Plans have already been di sclosed to give the entire campus a disturbing. out of that tainted, faggot-den. Better to cut off the about the problem, but none of them seem to hear "new look." If we know Di sney, expect a castle where Memorial hand if it offends ye, and better to douse the devil­ me. I went to the dean's office, but the secretary Lou Beral now stands. paper wi th kerosene and burn the thing to the just ignored me. What's the deal? Sophmore You know why Euro-Disney was such a bomb? Because Disney ground than to let it contaminate the whole I tried going to Laurel Hall for a headache I've Arts and Science had been in the business of making faux-quaint-17th-century-Euro university. had for months, but the woman at lhe desk architecture for decades, and when they tried to export it back where wou ldn·t even take my name. She pretented she Peace and love, didn 't even hear me1 the original stuff came from , the locals spotted it miles away: t;::'a Billy-Joe-Ray-Arthur-Simon Hick Das Lied von der Werde I' ve even had problems writing this letter­ pue. Honestly, how would you feel if a gang of French folk came not onl y has my e-mai l account been shut down I love Bill Werde. I mean, I really do. I dream toddling into Delaware to build an amusement park filled cartoon for an unknown reason, bul I couldn't even sit at a about him at night when I sleep in my cold, lonely Jerminal at a computer site without somebody versions of log cabins, colonial fort and really awful, really PhallocentricJ. ournalism must bed. I fantisize about him while I'm in class. and I si tting in my lap and butting me off the computer! baroque mi srepresentations of Philadelphia's City Hall? en now think of him while I spank it. My parents don 't even call any more! We 've been stewing ever since we heard that Disney sold all its Hi s words speak to me like a burning bush, and I' m sick of thi s shit, and I want some I would like to bitch about the Friday, March hi s face beams at me from his photos in the Magic Kingdom attractions to the highest-bidding sponsor; and that 22 edition of The Review. Fi rst of all , I was explanations. the "20 ,000 Leagues Under the Sea" ride had been closed, editorial page. I sit anxiously in Smith, awaiting genuinely offended by the male-oriented. the arrival of the weekly words of my savior. lo Robert Pancake ostensibly because Jacques Cousteau doesn't have that kind of cash testoserone laden man photo on the from cover savor his intellect and wit. I have a special place in Freshman lying about. What, ticket admissions and 300 percent markups on The Review claims to be a liberal paper - where Smith where I si t quitely, alone wilh the new food inside the park don 't make enough money ? They need are the minorities? Where are the women? Why Arts and Science corporate ponsors for every individual ride? How much does that friggin ' mouse take home, anyway? More to the point, how much does Michael "NorthAmericaLand" How I learned to cope with my slughood Eisner make? Can we afford another money-sucker at the top of It all started when I went on a r.==::::;;j ~=:;-, pinnacle of my college life. Well in a person's body. He listened patiently and what was once an institution of higher education? Whatever Eisner's semester abroad. It was my first little did I know what lay ahead. gave me some infonnation about the nearest SA astronomical salary figure is, it is without a doubt the I ion's share. time overseas and I had never A couple weeks into the spring meeting (Slugs Anonymous). before experienced seeing semester, another close friend, "John" I was pretty nervous at first. I couldn't believe America through the eyes of (not his real name) came oul to me. the beautiful professional woman I sat next too another culture. It was then my John and I have been buddies since was also a slug, or the beefy guy who coaches eyes were opened and I realized freshman year. We played basketball high school football. I didn't know how much I Guest Columns that Americans are really stupid. togetl1er, hung out, partied and even had internalized my slugophobia, how much I We don't know anything. We're talked about women. Looking back, resented being labelled a creature to be stepped The Rescrew welcomes guest editorial columns from students and other total jerks and we deserve to be I now realize that he never entered on and despised. Finally I was able to say my members of the university community. hated. Under a Rock our conversations about the opposite name and that I too was a slug, how ever since I Columns should be 10-15 words in length, and be relevant to the affairs of the On the same trip that my sex with the enthusiasm of the fl(St of was a kid I loved to ooze around the house. I university, the nation or the world, or to any affairs you're currently involved in. mother called and told me that Barnabas Slugworth the guys. 1 must admit it hit me like remember the time in biology class we went out If interested, call Thor Fustigon at 831-2771, or e-mail to one of my best friends from high a ton of bricks. I would never had to the field looking for insects, lizards and other [email protected]. school had committed suicide the night before. I thought John was gay. He didn't dress in drag or creeping thing , the sense of camaraderie I felt immediately felt upset because I had never told anytl1ing. I had to question my own masculinity. when I discovered a brother slug. They didn't my friend that I really cared about her. I thought Did I want to have sex with other guys too? gross me out like other kids. I used to wake up how I could have made a difference in her life if Why was I friends with Eric? Was all that PC in the middle of the night, crawl out the window TheRescrew only I had reached out more in recent years. I stuff right after all? and eat stuff in the garden. must admit I got drunk that night with a friend . I did a lot of thinking about sexuality. Am I So where am I now? Learning to live with Sauce in Chief: Thriller Assistant Features Sauce: Fortunately in Europe most people use public bisexual? I don't feel attracted to other guys. I and accept my slugness. I've gained new Executh·e Sauce: Hey Cat Mane Osmond transportation so I couldn't drive under the came to the conclusion that I was straight. strength and insight from Bradshaw's "Healing i\lanaging Section 2 Sauce: Ghost Face Ktller Lavern e DiFaz1o Assistant News Sauce: influence. Like my friend Ed who did and got But when he talked about breaking free from the Slug Within" book which has encouraged me Larry Zeezs Sharon Gless into an accident and landed in the hospital for society's molds, I began to open up myself lO to renounce the toxic shame put on me by other Managing News SauCe: Tyne Daley two weeks. deep yearnings I had never acknowledged before slug haters. I'm working to raise consc.:ousness Smokey The Bear Assistant Photography Sauce: Sh>rley Feeney Fuller the Vtking But at least I felt better about mom and dad. in my heart, and I don't mean about sexuality. about the negative s tereotypes perpetrated Luke Skywalker Dommer the Dominatnx That one phone call across the ocean made a Like (this will sound very strange), wanting to against slugs. We are everywhere. We will not Editorial auce: Mr. Geese Sandy Beach world of difference. All at once it came to me call under a rock, want to climb trees but not hide under a rock unless we want to. Copy Desk Chef: JaegcnnelS!er Assistant Sports Sauce: auce Pictures: Sweet A lisa 1ugsy how selfish I had been, how immature. My with my legs but rather on my stomach. This In the meantime, I've changed my major to i\lanaging Spor ts Sauce: Grace parents have done more for me than anyone else turned me on more than the thought of sex. biology and psychology in order to further my Copy Sauce: Tommy Boy on this planet. Things were tough at home Slowly a realization settled upon my mind. Sweet Lew Dogger Vector Berwiggity goal of helping others in my predicament. I must Art Sauce: Wurm lnsh Ch1ck Nicoune because of my younger sister who had a severe Inside I was .. . a slug. admit my life is somewhat unsettled. Some of Entertainment Sauce: Ratso R:1mone Steve McNa>r Whttey Ashbum learning disability. I know my parents had a Yes, I am a slug in a man's body. !t took me a my friends have left, but I've found new ones Features Sauce: Inky Senior Staff SauCVixen Busi ness Sauce: about her with little left over for me. Dad slayed told him first.· Outwardly he was very accepting vacation would do me some good -- I need a Dtvtne Waldo Albert Epstem Booger Low Down DtrtyShane Advertising Graphics Sauce: The Other Ptka Boy out sometimes drinking, too, to deal with the but I could tell even he had a struggle. But he week on a nice dark forest floor. Stetn Dogger Ac e stress and I think he had an affair or two. But suggested I get in contact with CAS (Creatures Yes, a lot has changed in my life since that Assistant Entertainment Sauce: that's another story. Against Speciesism). I slithered back to my semester abroad. I think I'll find the next darlc, Rave Boy Ruth Dogger When I got back to Newark at the end of tHe donn room after stopping by White Clay Creek moist cargo hold on a ship and go back. semester, I had attained a new level of maturity to explore a few trees with a newfound sense of and insight. I endeavored to read international freedom and empowennent. The "man" who Barnabas Slugworth is a lifeless mass of news more often. I thought I had reached the answered CAS turned out to be a giraffe trapped organic chemicals, and an editorial

( Spring rains And you cancel all thought Dennis sporting Rodman was events terrifying indefinitely before ... pageA6

Tuesday, Aprill, 1996

The boys from Bon Jovi were joined onstage by folk singer Christine Lavin and rappper Snow. Photo Illustration by Christine Fuller.

Bon Jovi rides into the Bob BY CLYDE ZEEK BANGER

iday night. the Bob roared like a have shopped at the same clothes store as With lyrics approaching New Jersey's other together - jumped aboard for a slew of Hopper in "Blue Velvet,'' and R oper F1bored-out hot-rodded big block Ford europe, for they too sported the slammin' bad boy, Bruce Springsteen. in their depth, searing covers, starting with L10nel appeared to be doing his damnedest to 302. Glam rock juggernaughts Bon satin overcoat look. Most of their songs "Your love IS like bad medicine, bad Ritchie's ''Dancin On The Ceiling... make up for the fact that Bo n Jovi had Jovi were the high octane fuel responsibl~ rocked along at a decent pace, a the crowd medicine is what l need woooaoh." Bon "Oh what a feeling'" Lavin roared as a declined to play his requested encore of for the crowJ's fire . pumped their fists in approval , but again. Jovi ripped the crown to attention. confused John Bon Jovi and a grinning Winger's ode to all things statuatory "She's Opening acts Whitesnake and Europe like Europe, it was the rocking "Here I Go With pyrotechnics reminiscent of Kiss in Richie Sambora doused her with a barrel of Only Seventeen." were bitchin' as well. /\gain" that brought the crowd into a their heyday, Bon Jovi crui sed into their warm goat blood. When their final set wound down, Bon For the most part, the majority of the frenzy. second song, ·'Living On A Prayer," from The band then sh11'ted gears for a funky. Jovi didn't seem to have anything to do, crowd was still out in their cars getting Maybe the crowd's crazed response to th ere breakthrough 1986 album ''Slippery disco rendition of Snow·s one-and-only hi t and they agreed to stick around and chat tweaked when Europe took the stage. Clad the booming chorus ("Here I go again on When Wet." The chicks up front swaying "Informer. " During the song 's add-libed over lattes at Brewed Awakenings. In in moussed-to-the:hilt hair, red and black my own, like a drifter I was born to walk in uni son in their painted on acid-washed drum solo. university President David S. response to a question as to whether their tiger stripe bandanas. and long satin over­ alone") had nothing to do with Whitesnake jeans and their hairspray queen hair were Roper became overwhelmed and just had to power-cord laden cover of Hootie And The coats, Europe trolled onto the ~tage as a - it could be that every dude in the show some of the hottest to ever hit the Bob. A JOlll 111. Blowfish's " Hold My Hand," was j ust a giant inflatable missile rocketed overhead \\as just picturing himself jumpin' the hell of a lot more rock and roll than all of "The monumental equestrian review of hallow attempt to boost the band's waning amidst lots of smoke and explosions. b0nes of that chick spread-eagled on the those spaced hippy girls who rolled up in funky pulsations ebbing from Bon Jovi 's credibility among teeanage fans, lead singer By the time Europe rocked into their huod of the Jaguar in the song's video. the mi crobuse for that wussy Phi sh show a meritorious percussionist was unmistakably John Bon Jovi replied s miling, ''I'm a closing anthem of nuclear destruction. "The When Whitesnake departed. the die was couple of years back irresistable;· Roper said. cowboy. On a steel horse I ride; I'm Final Countdown," the crowd wa on their cast .. . Bon Jovi was about to take the Just when it seemed that th e pleather Roper was spotted after the show sliding waanted dead o r alive ." John seemed feet, banging their heads in unison. 'iWeat >t<~ge . It was moments away. the crowd pants clad Boys· from Jersey were about 10 conspicuously backstage with Snow and a sincere and positive in his answer. but his dripping from their moustaches. and their could smell it through the clouds of Stetson set th e Bob on fi re. they were joined on­ couple of Newark Hi gh School bravado could not conceal the fact that in hands clenched tightly above their heads in - Bon Jovi had arrived in ewark. stage b) t wo of th eir biggest fans . cheerleaders after the promi se of free his heart he problably feels li!-: e a guy who the universal symbol of rock and roll. 5un Jovi opened with the blistering cut Folk singer Christine Lavin and reggae poppers and possibly ludes from the guys in hasn · t scored since 1986. David Coverdale and Whitesna!-:e mu st Bad Medicine off of 1989's New Jersey. rapper Snow - who attended the ~how Europe. His face was lit up like Dennis Decrepit Muck: Seven reasons to say 'Yuck' Dionne Warwick, AlanAlda, MC Hammer, and Bootie and the Blowfish join forces with Trent Reznor

BY ZACCHEUS and reek of something terrible. In Booth I is Dean The T<~tman Felber o f the Blowfish and Warwick. They' re both First, th ere was the Byrds and the Yardbirds. Later, naked, tied up with chicken wire, and they have little there was Boston, Asia and Power Station. In the '90s red rubber balls stuffed in their mouths. When Reznor th e Minneapolis-based Golden Smog popped up. gives the signal, the balls are removed and Aida and The history of the Supergroup is a long and winding Hammer stick hot pokers on their rumps. Predictably, one; most of the time it's for fun , but more often than they wail, and the gorgeous sounds are recorded for a not it 's purely for one thing and o ne thing only: da song call ed "Beauty And Dung Without End." moolah . It makes a ton of sense that Hammer and Warwick Last week Spume Record a nnounced the would do this; after all, as the Psychic Friend says, emergence of a Supergroup that just might be the most they really have nothing better to do. Aida is a freak, awesome ever to join forces. Hootie and the Blowfish, and Reznor is the greeful ring-leader. But why would MC Hammer. Dionne Warwick, Alan Aida and Trent the Hooti es take part in Decrepit Muck when they' re Reznor have joined forces to c reate the megaband already multi-platinum on th eir own? Decrepit Mu ck. "As you know from our first album, 'Cracked Rear "We were all in a bar in Pawtucket, Massachusetts View, ' we jus t want to do what's popular," one night because none of us can get gigs, and we all s inger/guitarist Darius Ru cker says. "Trent's whole hit it off," W arwick says. " Well, me and Hammer pain-and-anguish thing is what's hot now, so we just couldn't get gigs. A Ian· s a freak, Hootie and those want to buy into that.'' guys are just losers and I have no idea why Trent was " Fecal Offspring" is a pain-riddled wall of sound there.·· with lots of screaming and loads of feedback set to a _ THE RESCEW I File Photo Reznor is the mastermind behind the Decrepit Muck techno beat. Reznor wrote the album's opening track, The sl udge behind Decrepit Muck (clockwise, from lower left): Reznor, Aida, Febler, Soni, project. He says he was thinking about a fo rming a '·Bl oody Hot Dog," when he saw Aida take a hard fall Rucker, Bryan, Hammer and Warwick. Be afraid. Be very very afraid. Supergroup and wanted just the right chemi stry. He on the stairs at Foul Matter. ha ha 1" Aida shrieks. " You know. I kind o f like it Contrary to popular belief, the normally graceful found that chemistry in the bar in Pawtucket that night. " Hi s nose looked like a bl oody hot dog," Rezno r when Trent beats on me. Turns me on a little." Warwick fit s in with the rest of The Muck quite well. "I don' t know what it wa . Hammer started doing says, laughing. "H1 s head kind of bounced a few times Other notable tracks on ·'Fecal Offspring" include "I've always had a dark side. Even when I did that that whole "Can' t Touch This'' dance, and then Dionne on the stairway, and after I laughed for about five "You Ain't Nothin ' But A Hell Mongrel," a remake of whole 'We Are The World ' thing." ~he says. and Alan joined in." Rezno r says. "Then -the Hootie minutes I ran back inside and wrote the song as fa st as Hoot ie's " Hold M y Hand'' e ntitled ·'C lench My guys started do1ng this annoying rhythmless dance As the "den mother" of the band, Warwick has also I could." Innards,'' and a seari ng ballad called " Mucus, Pus, around them. concocted a mantra that embodie th e harsh. brutal Hammer says he loves his bandmate/ producer. Mucus." "I was watching this whole scene thinking, 'I'd love beatings that make the band's recording sessions so "Trent's reall y a great guy. I don' t let th e way he "We were all tripping on acid one day, and we all fruitful. to see these people writhe in enormous pain.· That's beats and pounds on us bother me," Hammer says. "He started crying," Muck guitarist/gimp Mark Bryan said. what Decrepit Muck is all about.'' 'That's what friends are for," Warwick laughs, with doesn't hate us or anything. He just wants to sell 'Then Trent takes out this whip and starts wailing on a look that makes you believe that she could suck the The hallway and soundbooths a t Foul Matter records." Jim Soni. The mucus and the pus was fl y ing blood ri ght out of a small farm animal. Studios - where Decrepit Muck is recording their "We have a motto in Decrepit Muck: We' ll bleed as everywhere. It was gorgeou : · debut album. ·'Fecal Offspring" - are dark and dingy much red as yo u want, as long as we get the green. Ha

) A6. THE RES C REW • April I , 1996

.• .•

ennis Rodman tackles role What your cat really wants to know as disgruntled college reporter F u zzy Wu zzy was a b ear. Street. Fu zzy Wu zzy had n o h a i r. The album, whic h features a Fuzzy W uzzy wasn ' t very fuzzy g ues t appearance f rom former BY JENNYTALIA loads up and gets ready to shoot off like the best of was he? Sl ab m e mbe r Bloody Hickey, Pro:.uL Di.HnbtlltOII Chi~! the big guns in Hollywood. This o ne-tim e-on ly edition of wi ll be re leased o n Slab's new One may never realize the ease that can be met with Their first mission is to take an entire fraternity by criminals when anempting a terrorist anack. hostage in the comfort of their own home and to The Fuzz wo n ' t address t hat lab e l " M e ta l Mucus Records." Seasoned production veteran Ralph Lauren's newest force them at gunpoint to perform acts wh ich are ques ti o n o r a ny o the r q uestion Hi c key also contributes a few film to hit the big screen, ''Terrorist Times," is a tragic less than decent while playing their favorite board conta ining a n y sem b lance of trac k s, inc ludi ng " Plo wman " and violent tale of pre-20s rage. games . With a little persuasion by Anselmo and his impo rta nce at all. a nd " E c ni vi 's L yric," w hic h he '·Terrorist Times" chronicles the struggle of an waving pi stol, two of them actually do it, in the So e njoy, Ne w ark. A nd don' t co- wrote with Vo mit Chunk. alliance of disgnmtled college reporters, led by Dennis conservatory, with a lead pipe. g e t a h a ir ball cau gh t in your B y far the a lbum's best track Rodman, who plays a frustrated sports writer with an After violati ng the brotherhood, Gottfried leads throat. is " M o uth F u l l '0 Maggots," unusual voice known as "Myron Sweetster." He and his the team on a mi ssion to sneak into the dining hall with stro n g, searing ly rics like colleagues take over Guinness College wi th a series of and score more than one serving of shrimp. MTV VJ' s REUNION "Suck-Ch ri st comin g a t you/ terrorist acts, all for recognition and fame. When the serv~r fail s to ful fill his request, Like a f re i g h t trai n of p ai n / Rodman's explosive performance is enhanced by his Gottfried's leaps over the counter and starts lodging L ast weekend the best and the Bu t trammin g s l o p h o les/ team of vandals, consisting of an angered Gilbert kitchen utensils in the server's backside until they worst VJ's in MTV's history got Stinging sweat of ass m o les." Gottfried as Jimbo, RuPaul as Tony, and newcomer are no longer visible. Marvelous special effects and technology show the togethe r in a fie ld somewhere in Wow. Philip Anselmo, better known for his work with the Meanwhile, Rodman and Anselmo, tanoos blazing, terrorist group actually morph into the robot "Vol tron." Kentucky to celebrate nothing at metal act Pantera, as htmself. pistol-whip and clobber anyone who decides to get In the new state, they are now able to accurately all except for the fact that their Together this team, with only the bare essentials, brave and prohibit the terrorists from getting their way. shoot and kill all those ru nni ng for the doors with an C OREY LOVES LATOYA conquers the university with heer firepower stolen from After bei ng ejected fro m all campus sporting actual 12-gigawau laser cannon. As the robot blows careers have gone absolutely the campus police station in a dawn-hour raid. activities for masturbating on the hot dog vender, away student lifter student it slowly runs out of power nowhere. Their career s were in Rodman out-muscles the guards of the famed Rodman's character Sweetster has a personal score to and dies, taki ng its crew along with it. T he event, dubbed shambles. One had to settle fo r weapons cabinet and blows the doors off with a plastic settle with the athletics association at the school. A magnificent explo~ion which demolishes the " C h eeseballs Unite: 1996." a spot on the psychic ne t work, explosive he The quartet rushes the stadium filled with fans and stadiums turf kills the terrorists and the university can turned into a circu long before the other was s till looking a nd it constructed with the takes the entire paid anendance hostage. once again operate safely. it was expected to . Nina didn ' t look l ike t he pho n e REVIEW RATINGS This movie clearly sky-rocketed over its $69 trillion aiel of the entire staff Delaware native, Peter "Ratso" Bothum even makes Blackwood' s nipple ring would be ringi ng any time soon. ,'t .,'( ...,'t}c ~c No sucks here. dollar budget allowed by Review Pictures with its of the paper ··The a guest cameo in this scene as football coach Stubby became entangled in Marth a For the forme r , L a t oya ...'c _',~'(..,', Pretty suck-less. phenomenal staff. production, and special effects. :t ;'(...,( Some suckiness. Daily Bozac." Crayfish. He gets a piece of the action as he convinces Quinn's hair when the two got Jackson . and the latte r, Corey Though tragic at times. it's a great date movie. ,(. ... . ( Can you say suck ? From there, the terror the cheerleaders to work with the terrorists and secure into a cat fight. Alan Hunt, J.J. Feldman, Mirrormax Film's new Suck-arama Mama. squad hardens their Perfect for you and that special person whom you are the exits, for which they will be rewarded sexually at a Jackson and the two Browns, flick "Joanie Loves Chach i" was once-soft feelings, later date by him and his team trying to impress. Downtown Julie and plain o ld like a savior. T he movie, based Julie got so smashed on Gin and on the short -lived '· H a ppy Ju ice that they puked all over Day's" spin-off, wi l l b egin between Dole and Helms is hilarious. forgive him for his perpetual joint habit. But the the food and got everybody else shooting next week with sparks really fly when Don Knots jumps in - sick. Feldman as spunky C hachi and In the Theaters Hellraiser: Copperline reprising his role on "Three's Company" as Mr. But the evening 's biggest Jackson wi II try to stretch to be This ultra-gory horror flick, which stars living Firley. disaster came when Adam Curry the soft, sweet-loving Joanie. folk legend James Taylor as Pinhead, is based and his infamous big h air "What else am I gonna d o? - Broken Arrow loosely around the lyrics to his late 1980s hit Rumble in Bangor showed up and hi s hair spray R ock ' n ' R oll Hig h School Pa rt - Finally, th" Tr>hn Wayne Bobbitt story comes to "Copperl ine." It is a continuation of the "Hellraiser" The yuppies had control of everything in thi s quit on him . The ensuing 2?" Feldman as k 111 a n film. Gerard IJep.-trdieu is Fanta tic as the de-arrowed series, but with a sl ight twist: this time Pinhead small, New Hampshire town - that is, until Paul spaghetti soup of people was a exclusive Fuzz in te r view. Bobbitt (his second castration on film), and Courtney wields a steel acoustic guitar that he uses to smash Ruben took over. Love checks in as an wild extroverted Lorena. into helpless teeny hoppers. No longer the wimpy Pee Wee Herman of TV's disaster; the event turned into Actually, no one e lse wanted to Save for the e.xtremely grisly castration scene. this Oh, and there aren't pins in Pinheads face; now '·Playhouse,'' ''Big Adventure" and "Big Top" fame, one giant orgy. talk to him. film is a sweet love story for the '90s. they're gu itar picks. Keep the kids far away. Very, Ruben has buffed up and taken on a rich, tough Not that anyone was " Corey Haim won ' t t a l k to very far away. German accent. . surprised. me. Michael Jackson i too busy Grumpiest Old Men This film ts chock-full of heart-thumping. non­ with his chimps a nd a ll his other Since there's nothing shaking with the U.S . Lea ving Las Cruces stop action that will keep you on the edge of your TAK E A S L A B AT I T little friends, so I'm left to fe nd government- thanks to a sluggish, Judge-filled Cheech Marin stars sans Chong in an ultra-hip seat. Biggest highlight: Ruben blows the head off Newark heavy meta I outfit for myself. you know?" Congress - Washington's favorite old guys, Bob film about a fat and aging has-been Chicano stage one terrori st and exclaims "I meant to do that."' Slab ha s don e it again . The Latoya was very happy to get Dole and Jesse Helms, have taken their act to actor named Juan who holes himself up in a band , guitarist Ratso Ramone. the role. Hollywood. highway-side New Mexico Super 8 with a bag of Up Close & Way Too Personal bassi s t El Torro , s inger/ "''m getti ng a li ttl e too aggy Andrew McCarthy and Emilio Estevez play two Dole and Helms are not-so-friendly neighbors marijuana and the intention of smoking himself to executioner Vomit Chunk. for Playboy," she say . "A t least death. dudes with really bnd bre:nh. who playfully duke it out in a competition for their drummer Killer and singer now I'll get o rne p lay. H a ha babelicious pal. Wanda, played marvelously by - Davi d Lynch regular Sherilyn Finn plays Lolita, a Laverne DiFazio, will release haaaal" you guessed it - Anita Hill. The sex ual harassment blonde bombshell behind the counter at the Super 8 -compiled by Srinky Smith and Happy Harry their new disc, "Blood Biscuit." is enjoyably continuous and the racist dialogue who becomes Marin's love Interest and who can't fo llowing a CD release party on -Dudemeyer Jones the tennis courts on Academy

140 Ueanda H all (All movies Sl) iou'{ s~ars This Weel< r======emJ~=~ 8 o o k Crook ~mJ:J====, Oldark S&M Center (555-BEA T) P isces (Feb. 19-M ar. 20) Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) (A ll limes good through Thursday. Apnl 8) Tightly Bound II 5:45. 7:45 I! lewis Fe ll 15 Don' t worry about your dad. He's Spend this time alone, as others are Dead \ l an Tal~i!lg 5:45 Executive Ke tchup stopped wearing your mom·s cotton getting tired of inhaling your 5·)0. 8 panties and has s tarted wearing odifcrous stench. Take a shower, for Holy Bible or reason behind the tumult. In two separate sequences, in Nia Peoples Plazma 13 (555-LOST) yours. Bl ack licorice is your lucky ctying out loud! Yahweh telling opposition, the deity, poised Godzilla-like to destroy (All limes good through Thu rsday. Ap rtl 81 navor in jelly beans. HwperCollins an entire cit y, elects not to do so because the inhabitants are Kaiser Roll IV: Butterlin es I 30. 4.30. 7.30. 10 Libra (Sept. 23-0 ct. 23) Rating: -:.'c:.'c:r.:'r dyslexic and own cattle, while two other cities are leveled Bobbitt Pleasure Isla nd I :25. 4:25. 7:25 Dead Aries (Mar. 21-Apr. 19) Rent a car and drive to California. \ t an Talking 9:55 Hroken Fa r ro~ 1:15. 4 15. because the people therein are oversexed. 7:15.9 50 Rumble in Taj o 1·20. 4:20. 7.20. 955 The tooth fairy will try to visit you. The impromptu trip will cost you lots BY REV. CARL LAFO G Despite its confident storytelling, however, "Holy Bible'' Bird Droppings! 4. 7 9:30 Executive Mustard He will want to buy all your teeth fo r of money . In an ideal world. Gfxn/ Shepherd 105. 4:05. 7:05. 1005 Ed Would (XXX ) I 15. is unmistakably the work of a n author earl y in hi s a cool mil. Let him. With a ll ~tha t something wonderful would happen WeJI. Medwcre ShephertllUJYWa.\ 4 15. 7·15. 9:40 Do"n Periscope I :3 5, 4·35. 7 35. development. Yahweh tries to do everything with th is book, 9·-15 Be lo" the Belt a nd Personal (XXX ) I. 4 7. cash, you can afford a new set. to you in L.A. But this isn' t an ideal Once upon a time, a king was sitting around the palace. from an ongoing exploration of Why Bad Things Happen to 10 05 ,'1/ick Cage I 30. 4 30. 7:30. 10 Way"ard world, so be prepared to get fired guzzling wine with his cronies, when a big disembodied Hound II I :05. 4:05. 7:05. 9:30 Mr. lewis Opus Good People to an extended hallu <> inatory rhapsody at the 12.50. 3:50. 6.50 O·

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FOR SALE 837-0012. Ask for Milo. things off your behind and drop em off at Uncle Eddies place. Call 837- Microdots ECSTASY- Mother tested 1603 for directions. and kid approved. Single doses ROOMMATES available or quantities. Call 831-4990 for a good deal. Transexual seeks partner to live with SUCKING, LICKING, SECTION in Gilbert residence hall. Tattoos and PANTIES- in full effect for the nine- scarification a must. Call Nathaniel six 'II Inquire within. FAKE !D'S - guaranteed to work. Hornblower at 837-0087. Call for state availability and I yove you KEITH WINER. I want to questions. Sold by appoinunent only. tear your clothes off and make ride Call 295- 1251 and ask for Slick Dick. Females needed to share 3 bdrm you like a pony. Love Peaches. apartment on Haines St. You must masturbate to live here. Call 374- SEX! SEX! SEX1 -Comfortable sex W ANK for an auditi on. Bring your Gamma Smegma Smegma Pledges lounge where you can get away from own power tool s. - Good Luck, Keep degrading it .all. MIF available. Appoinunent or yourselves! Love, Pledge Execs walk-in dates. Call 831-1395 to get your jollies. HELP WANTED ANNOUNCEMENTS Can you suck the chrome off of a FOR RENT: CRACKHOUSE­ trailer hitch? Casting calls for a Congrats to Daddy Ratso and his new . beautiful Newark location. 3 bdroom, ewark based porn documentary pack of Method Rats born March 30. I full bath, newly remodeled kitchen. next month. Call Oakland at 837- Some work needed. E-mail Craktown 1603 for details. Real Estate at [email protected]. Kelly Brosnahan is the bomb II Email her at kelkel @udel.edu. ELEPHANT RIDES- we specialize PERSONALS in birthday parties and greek events. Contact Oakland at 837-1603. Don't Scott Goss will FIGHT all FREE CREDIT CARD FRAUD make me use my elephant in a bad challengers. All of you sissies come CLASSES! Tuesday and Thursday . way. I have the devil carved in my on down and he 'll kick your head in. 7:30pm, Saturday 6:00pm starting • chest. I' II kick your ass!!!! Call 831-2771. March 19. Send us $29.95 and your . SS#, a copy of your liscence, and your mother. Harrington A residence hall room . SOILED PANTIES WANTED 1!! Overlooks Harrington Beach. Call yes, we want yours. Just peel those AS • THE RESCREW • April2, 1996

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