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VANDE VELDE/PAGE 1 23 MINUTES CHAPTER 1 the Story Starts VANDE VELDE/PAGE 1 23 MINUTES CHAPTER 1 The story starts with an act of stunning violence. Commented [Jennifer 1]: This ? Or... well...maybe not exactly. You could make a case that Maybe, exactly, the story starts when Zoe walks into Commented [Jennifer 2]: Perhaps instead of the "you could make the case that", it could be "Maybe this story starts . the bank--except that she doesn't recognize it as a story yet. She sees it as a simple case of " or something? I'm just not wild about the "you" since you aren't directly addressing the reader throughout so like, who is "you"? just knows the sky has opened up in a late-autumn downpour so that she feels as though Commented [Jim Vande3]: Reply to Jennifer Laughran she's standing under the shower at the campground--the one that's strong and steady but (10/08/2013, 14:31): "..." There are actually several more places with “you”--as has only two temperatures: cold and very cold. Zoe has never understood the point of saying “one” is way too formal. But I suppose that--so close to the beginning--it might sound like something camping. Haven't people evolved for thousands of years precisely so that they do not it's not in a Lemony Snickett kind of way. Commented [Jennifer 4]: a bit awkward, and the second have to sleep on the ground, or pee and crap outdoors, or have to eat half-raw food that's "case" in two sentances. maybe "She just knows the sky has opened up..."? been charred over a fire? But the people who run group homes for teens-nobody-wants- Commented [Jim Vande5]: Reply to Jennifer Laughran (10/07/2013, 22:06): "..." to-foster always seem to feel roughing-it is a way to Build Community Spirit. And to OK. Bond with the Disadvantaged Youth of Our City. As though they weren't in a group home exactly because they'd had a rough time already. Zoe feels an overnight at a Holiday Inn, hanging out at the hot tub, ordering room service, and watching on-demand movies would make much more satisfying building and bonding experiences. But nobody has ever sought out Zoe's opinions on such matters. Not that anybody has ever asked Zoe. Commented [Jennifer 6]: this seems like a needlessly formal sentance. I realize that our narrator uses a LOT of So the rain starts fast and hard and just a degree or two warmer than sleet, and formal language, but maybe they could loosen up a skotch. this one was just a tad over the top to me. Maybe "But nobody ever asked Zoe." Zoe has dashed through the first door she comes to and finds herself in a bank. That's more a prelude than a beginning to the story: the forward, the set-up. VANDE VELDE/PAGE 2 23 MINUTES Then there are the supporting characters: the snotty bank teller and the full-of- himself bank guard. As well as the one bank customer, the one who stands out from the dozen or so other customers--the young guy she immediately pegs as an up-and-coming business exec or a junior lawyer at a prestigious law firm (the kind that does not advertise on tv). Zoe is used to having to evaluate people quickly. It's a necessary quality if you Commented [Jennifer 7]: maybe "it's a must if you want to be a survivor" want to be a survivor.necessity for survival. But he has an engaging smile and takes the time to speak kindly to her, even though she's already walked into him, stepped on his foot, and is now dripping rainwater on him and his expensive shoes. And then of course there's the bank robber--although Zoe doesn't know yet that he is a bank robber. Still not much here to say story. It doesn't really pick up speed until the robbery starts to go awry, until they're all within a dozen or so feet of each other--and that distance is only to accommodate the aforementioned include that one bank teller. If you're willing to discount her, they're really in a tight cluster: Zoe on her knees on the floor, the guard with his gun drawn and aimed at the head of the would-be robber, the would-be robber with his gun drawn and aimed at the head of the guy who was nice to her. Should I say it now? Zoe wonders, several times, before finally, after all the shouting, and gun waving, and threatening to shoot anyone and everyone, the robber's attention is firmly on someone else besides Zoe. Finally, she sees she might actually have a moment or two in which to use her special ability and get away. If only that hadn't come about because the young CEO or whatever he is hadn't intentionally stepped between her and the robber. Is he stupid or suicidal? Zoe asks herself. But this is unfairly diminishing him. His eyes are blue and wide and with enough fear in them to say that he knows exactly what he's done, enough defiance to declare he'd VANDE VELDE/PAGE 3 23 MINUTES make the same choice again. And that holds Zoe where she is. The situation goes even worse, with more shouting, more threatening--and then there are two simultaneous shots. Or too close to simultaneous to make a difference. Leaving Zoe spattered in the blood of both the thief and the customer she'd almost had time to grow to like. Not to mention bits of bone. And what she very fervently tries to convince herself could not possibly really be pieces of brain matter. That's how the story starts. VANDE VELDE/PAGE 4 23 MINUTES CHAPTER 2 OK... Perhaps that's a bit too spare a telling. So, for this one time only: a playback to the exact same 23 minutes, just with more detail. Which, of course, is totally not the way Zoe's ability to play back time works. Not that Zoe understands exactly how it does work. Sometimes she speculates that she was born this way and just didn't discover it until she became a teen: a latent half-baked magical capability, or some sort of genetic mutation inflicted on her by a universe with a sardonic sense of humor. She likes the idea that there might, in fact, be others like her--even if, by playback's very nature, that would be hard, if not impossible, to know. Or maybe the skill or knack or talent came because she almost died at age ten when her appendix burst after her mother delayed so long to bring her to the doctor because--as Mom explained at the hospital--"She's always complaining about something." Or it may all have started that time Zoe was twelve, during the storm, when Zoe remained outside watching nature's show as the lightning came so close that the smell of ozone tickled her nose, and she could feel the hairs on her arms stand up as the rumbles of thunder came just about instantaneous to the jags of light--closer and closer and louder and brighter till that one bolt of lightning hit the flagpole in the Durans' yard right next VANDE VELDE/PAGE 5 23 MINUTES door, throwing Zoe off the steps and onto her back, her whole body a-tingle with electrical spiders. At twelve, Zoe knew enough not to seek solace from her mother for what had just happened, knew how her mother would have reacted: by giving Zoe a taste of the back of her hand, chiding, "Stupid thing--without the sense to come in out of the rain. ," her mother would have chided her, probably giving a taste of the back of her hand. "You got what you deserved." Commented [Jennifer 8]: you think maybe this could get simpler or be two sentances? it's a little run-on-y, and you However... whenever... whyever the ability to play back time came, Zoe--now 17- say "her mother" three times in it. -has it. Zoe is walking in the downtown shopping area, not shopping, but with nowhere to go when the clouds suddenly burst with Noah-and-the-ark ferocity. She shoves her folder of papers under her t-shirt, but the rain is cold and relentless, and so she ducks into the nearest doorway, which is a branch of Spencerport Savings and Loan. This is not an especially good choice as there is not much for a 17-year-old to do who does not have an account here. Or at any other bank, for that matter. Zoe rubs her arms--one at a time because she still has the folder protectively pressed against herself--and she wishes she'd brought her jacket when she left this morning. No, what Zoe really wishes is that she could play back the entire day. A do-over starting with not mouthing off to Mrs. Davies. But 23 minutes is her limit, and it's way too late for that. There's a bank guard standing inside, just by the entrance. Surely, even though he is facing into the bank and so has his back to the plate glass windows that form an entire wall of the buildingbank, he should be able to hear the rain, falling with such force. Or at the very least note that Zoe looks as though she's just stepped, fully-clothed, out of a shower.
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