The Original Corning

By Fearless Young Orphan Stephen King’s Children of the Corn (1984) Directed by Fritz Kiersch

Netflix was kind enough to make this sucker available for streaming, so I decided to revisit and see if it’s as bad as I remembered. And it’s really not. I have to give this original filming of COTC credit for being a marginally intriguing take on the story. The biggest problem of course is that the film is boring, and this is for exactly the same reasons that the 2009 remake was boring: King’s short story is less than ten pages long and there is not enough material to make a movie. Am I repeating myself? Hell yes.

Over a year ago we already had a talk about the 2009 television remake, so I’ll be referring to that discussion like you all have just read it to refresh your memories (DO IT! ISAAC COMMANDS IT!) but whether or not you actually have, everybody knows what the story is about. Young couple driving across Nebraska hit a boy, the boy had his throat cut which is why he was wandering in the road anyway, nearby is the town of Gatlin which is full of crazy religious kids who have murdered all the adults, the crazy religious kids are lead by voice-of-God Isaac and his henchman Malachai, and there is probably some kind of hideous monster lurking in the cornfields. The young couple takes far too long to figure out that they should have left this damn town. The story has a loose reference to King’s Gunslinger series, as is often the case with his stuff, as “He Who Walks Behind the Rows” is yet another name for perennial bad guy Randall Flagg. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry too much. It just adds an interesting dimension to the whole idea of a demon in the cornfields.

I think the reason that this clever short story has spawned something like sixteen movies now is because it’s a terrific idea. It just has such a menacing flavor to it, so much mystery in the origins of the cult and why these children would suddenly decide that murdering their parents and all the town’s adults was a good way to go. Their isolated culture has become a real working nightmare with intricate rules and regulations; it’s like Lord of the Flies only with corn and Bibles. Within the confines of its less-than-ten pages, “Children of the Corn” is exactly what a short horror story should be. We love the idea of it.

So, hey, who wants to watch a movie about a child-cult in rural Nebraska, murderin’ everybody over the age of nineteen? Me! Me! And everybody’s hands go up and we get all excited, before we realize that the idea is all the movie can give us, padded out to ninety minutes (or more) by taking every single scene and stretching it out to its utmost length. This leaves one with the feeling that a lot of trouble could be avoided if the characters in the film would just move their asses.

But this 1984 version is not the pits. First, our stars are Linda Hamilton and Peter Horton as Vicky and Burt, the “Slow-moving adults make my job easier.” couple who are making the interminable drive through Nebraska. Thank He Who Walks Behind the Rows that they portray the couple as reasonably happy, and not with the aggressive bitching that so damaged the 2009 remake. Burt is not a Vietnam Vet but a doctor, and Vicky is not his wife but his steady, live-in girl, and they are heading to Seattle where Burt is going to start his internship.

It is a bit surprisingly to see Linda Hamilton (known to me for being the ass-kicker Sarah Connor) playing Vicky as a fairly submissive, doctor’s-wifey type, but it’s not fair for me to typecast her. She does well, as soon as we figure out that she’s going to look to Burt to do all the rescuing. Poor girl spends an unpleasant amount of time strung up on a sacrificial cross. Burt is not a wholly likable guy, he’s kind of pushy and bossy and thinks he knows everything, but then after a while you realize, “Oh yeah, just like a doctor,” and then his role seems dead-on correct. In addition to the decent acting, there are some nice touches that add to the overall creepy atmosphere of rural Nebraska, which is already pretty creepy all on its own, thanks very much. Burt and Vicky seem to have an almost supernaturally difficult time getting to Gatlin, as if the town is truly lost in the cornfields. I thought that was nifty.

Once they get to Gatlin, Vicky wants to leave almost immediately (she has correctly intuited that the place is frigged up) but Burt is a doctor and knows everything and he just searches and searches and searches around the town, poking his doctor- nose into everything. They have ever so much time to get the hell out of there, and just don’t. So the searching goes on for far too long, “That’s funny. On this map, there’s a scary skull and crossbones where Gatlin should be.” but while it is happening, we get a lot of detail about the decay of the town, hints at what happens when all the adults are abruptly removed and a new paradigm overtakes the world. The kids have had plenty of time to “rethink” much of the local art and décor, which I liked. If you guessed that the main decorative motif is corn, then you are correct!

Isaac, the little prophet Bible-thumper who is in charge of the kids, and Malachai, his nearly-nineteen-year-old heavy, are portrayed respectively by John Franklin and Courtney Gains. I don’t know whether those boys went on to much more in the acting field, but they are having an awesome time in this movie. The performances are not skilled but oh my goodness, are they a ton of campy fun. If you want to hear some real howler dialog, just watch these two young men sneer and spit their way through this film. It can be incredibly funny. Isaac’s death scene is one of the more hilarious I have seen, and not just because of the incredibly cheesy special effects.

There were two things that didn’t quite fly with me. The first is that He Who Walks Behind the Rows is clearly identified in the movie as an actual monster that travels underground like a demonic gopher and that has power over the skies, and which can also manifest itself in the form of orange TV static (see Isaac’s death scene). I liked better when things were ambiguous; when we did not know if it was real monsters or just religious mania that was infesting this town. The other problem is that of the children’s faith, because it is too easily shaken. One speech from the injured Dr. Burt to the psycho little crowd has them doubting their faith. It’s not a very good speech either, nor is it delivered in a convincing way. It is delivered in the whiny-bitch way, if you ask me. But those kids, all brandishing their sharp farming tools and their oddly 1984-styled hair (do they have a Fantastic Sam’s in Gatlin?), hear Dr. Burt tell them that religion isn’t supposed to be about murderin’ folks in the corn and Career Day at school was always awkward for Malachai and his Dad. they’re like, “Hmm, that’s a good point. Well, he is a doctor, after all. What have we been thinking?” So, what happened to the little bastards who were willing to kill their parents? Or, maybe I’m discounting how short their stupid little attention-spans can be.

So in the wash, Children of the Corn is not exactly a terrible film, but it is a rather forgettable film based on a pretty good idea. It is only ninety minutes long and does have some truly funny moments. To speak of quality, I thought the cinematography adequately captured the feel of the story, all that blazing sunlight, decrepit township and endless fields. If you’re looking to refresh your memory about the campy qualities, then just stream that sucker up on Netflix and watch the last half. Don’t put yourself through the whole slog unless you want to watch Linda Hamilton sing and dance in a modest negligee, which she does. And speaking of modesty, this is another one of those films made prior to the inclusion of PG-13 as a rating; this therefore has an R-rating that is incomprehensible, unless it is for the gratuitous corning.