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Home , Committed relationship, Infidelity, Open relationship

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30 : It's Not Cheating 32 LGBTQ/2S Resources 33 Esther Perel: Rethinking 33 10 Critical Dimensions

Polyamory It’s not cheating by carolyn camilleri

n increasing number of who work with members of the poly These can be people are in committed community: “If monogamous couples were relationships that ethically as clear about expectations, boundaries, very serious, and consensually include and communication as poly couples, we’d committed other people — and it is go out of business.” relationships, not the same as adultery She explains that in monogamous in which emotional Aand it is not just an . relationships, there is often an unspoken Polyamorous relationships are often (and unconscious) set of rules and maturity, self- ongoing and emotionally involved and expectations that each partner assumes awareness, and based on a set of very clear, mutually the other will follow when it comes to agreed-upon terms, ethics, and shared “being monogamous,” even though empathy are responsibilities. the definition of being in a committed, paramount. Constance Lynn Hummel, RCC, monogamous relationship is different for says there’s a joke among counsellors every person. For example, one partner

30 INSIGHTS magazine may think it is not okay to have drinks with a — What would that really mean for you? Do colleague of the opposite sex after work, while you want the power to approve the other the other partner thinks it’s fine as long as person’s partners? Do you even want to meet they’re not having sex. the other person’s partners? Do you want “With poly clients, there’s no room for them to be able to have completely separate assumptions,” says Hummel. “Communication relationships, or do you want them to be and boundaries are key. Partners must get somebody that gets brought in and is maybe clear on, ‘How would you feel if I did this, and known to you as a couple? What happens if would you be okay with that’ and ‘Yes, in this both (or multiple) partners get sick on the context but not in that context.’ It’s about same day? Who do you take care of first?” really getting explicit about expectations and Hummel says that sometimes during being clear about your own needs and values.” the process of really thinking about it, “People outside of the poly community people realize they like the idea of having often have many preconceived notions, like multiple partners, but in practice, it is more thinking people who are poly can’t handle a complicated than they bargained for — there relationship and are just out to have sex with is so much more to this relationship structure every person they see, when in fact, these than just being allowed can be very serious, committed relationships to have sex with other Being open and vulnerable with in which emotional maturity, self-awareness, people. and empathy are paramount,” says Hummel. “It’s different than one partner is hard enough; an open relationship,” it is a delicate balancing act when Helping People Get Clear says Hummel. “In an When clients come to see Hummel for poly- open relationship, multiple partners’ needs and values specific reasons, the sessions may focus there is also must be taken into account. on establishing the terms of their unique required by both relationship and determining what is and isn’t partners, but there is usually no ongoing permitted — essentially the relationship code emotional relationship with the other person, of ethics — which can be incredibly complex and contact is generally limited to specific and nuanced, particularly the more people sexual activity with someone outside the involved. Each relationship is entirely unique existing relationship but nothing else.” that way. But polyamorous relationships are “Often a big piece of the work is really different because they allow for an emotional helping clients think it through,” she says. connection outside the primary relationship For example, “You’re saying you want to and that can open up old attachment wounds. open up your relationship to other partners Being open and vulnerable with one partner

Poly Resources

What Does Designer More Than Two: The Ethical Slut: Polyamory: Polyamory Look Relationships: A Practical Guide to A Practical Guide The New Like? Polydiverse A Guide to Happy Ethical Polyamory to Polyamory, Open Without Limits: Patterns of Loving , Positive by Franklin Veaux Relationships, and Secrets of and Living in Modern Polyamory, and and Eva Rickert. Other Adventures Sustainable Intimate Polyamorous Optimistic Open Thorntree Press, by Janet W. Hardy. Relationships Relationships Relationships 2014. Third edition. by Deborah M by Mim Chapman, by Mark A. Michaels Celestial Arts, 2009. Anapol. Intinet PhD. iUniverse, Inc., and Patricia Johnson. Resource Center, 2010. Cleis Press, 2015. 1997.

INSIGHTS magazine 31 is hard enough; it is a delicate balancing act save a struggling relationship are seldom when multiple partners’ needs and values successful. “In those cases, it’s usually the must be taken into account. Hummel says fastest way to blow that relationship out of people in poly relationships must be honest the water. For some people, it becomes just with themselves and their partners about a bridge to getting out.” what will and won’t work for them and be For it to be successful — and Hummel checking with each other every step of has seen many successful examples — the way. there has to be unwavering commitment “Often people don’t know something is a to honesty, communication, and respect, trigger until they’ve run head first into it,” even when it is hard and messy. While she she says. “You can only prepare so much for acknowledges that there are several schools the unknown.” of thought on what constitutes a true From a therapeutic perspective, Hummel polyamorous relationship, mainly because says you have to be watching for coercion the terms of the relationships can vary so and true consent of both partners. An widely, Hummel has observed that stable example of coercion may be if one partner poly relationships seem to be those that put is going along with a poly structure because their primary partners first. they are afraid of losing their partner. “This “From a therapeutic standpoint, I believe is not true consent. This is consent under there has to be a primary partner who duress,” she says. “There’s no safety in the comes first, no matter what, in order for primary relationship if you’re saying, ‘I’m the relationship to be maintained in the halfway out the door. Do this or I’m gone.’” long-run. The more secure the primary Must-watch film Hummel adds that in her experience, relationship is, the more they can manage couples that are trying out a poly the anxiety evoked while exploring Inc. arrangement as a last-ditch measure to secondary relationships, because it’s Award-winning director Liz Canner’s documentary Orgasm Inc. (2009) features the filmmaker working as an editor of Counselling LGBTQ/2S clients erotic videos for use Increase your knowledge and understanding of relationship by a pharmaceutical diversity and the challenges faced by the LGBTQ/2S population. company doing a drug trial. The company is developing a Viagra- Qmunity is a Vancouver-based type drug for women non-profit organization that works to afflicted with Female improve queer and trans lives, provide . a safer space for LGBTQ/2S people and Canner’s original plan their allies, and empower all to be their was to focus the film on best selves. science and pleasure, but In addition to counselling and support, soon began to suspect including youth support, Qmunity offers her employer’s motives. consulting and training for individuals, Canner refocused her service providers, and organizations attention and Orgasm Inc. to help them understand how best to became a documentary make services more welcoming to local about the medical LGBTQ/2S communities. and pharmaceutical industry, the marketing A variety of resources is also available campaigns, and the at their website. Of particular interest for pursuit of profit. this issue of Insights magazine, check Described as both out Supporting LGBTQ Folk Experiencing shocking and hilarious, Relationship and Safety in the film has been shown Relationships for Trans Folk, both of around the world and which were developed by Qmunity in has received numerous partnership with the Legal Services awards. Society and are available for download at www.orgasminc.org http://qmunity.ca/learn/resources/.

32 INSIGHTS magazine known, if push comes to shove, they plan to work in this area, it is the actively involved in the poly community are emotionally safe with their primary counsellor’s job to educate themselves are highly aware of their ‘stuff’ and have partner.” about this relationship structure, the done significant amounts of healing and community, and its culture, as well as personal development work. As with any Preventing Bias to explore any personal biases that may group of people, some members may But poly clients are not always coming impede work with this population. have trauma histories or were abused into counselling for poly-specific reasons For counsellors with polyamorous and that would need to be addressed, but and counsellor bias can be a challenge clients, Hummel says it’s like dealing that’s not necessarily connected to why for them. Just because someone is in with any other client situation — the they have chosen to be polyamorous.” a polyamorous relationship doesn’t relationship is only a problem if the “I think that’s the key: poly mean all (or any) of their issues stem client says the relationship is a problem relationships are really no different than from that, and this assumption can — otherwise, focus on what your client any other type of relationship — sure, sometimes prevent clients from getting wants to work on. If the relationship is they’re more complex — but at the end of support for other concerns. Hummel says actually an issue, with time and trust, it the day, it’s just a relationship with more many of her poly clients are happy with will come up on its own. people trying to find love, be heard, and their relationships and really just want “The poly community is very much its be seen.” to address their anxiety, depression, own culture. It has its own rules. It has concerns, or their struggles at its own norms,” says Hummel. “However, work or in other relationships, etc. When people who identify as poly are also just Constance Lynn Hummel, MA, RCC, is counsellors assume a poly relationship is everyday people. They identify as all a psychotherapist and leadership coach the source of all issues, or keep bringing genders and sexual orientations. They in private practice. She specializes in conversations back to their multiple come from all backgrounds. They are relationships, , and substance partners, it can be a frustrating and loving . This is not acting out addictions and provides case consultation for invalidating experience for clients. or proof there is something wrong. I therapists and wellness professionals working As with anything else, if counsellors would say most of the people who are in these areas. www.constancelynn.com

Esther Perel Rethinking Infidelity Critical 10 Dimensions The Infidelity Recovery Institute has a called number of resources for counsellors and her “the most important their clients. One you may find useful game changer on sexuality is a free, downloadable, client-directed and relationships since handout called 10 Critical Dimensions. While it was originally developed Dr. Ruth.” Esther Perel for people experiencing infidelity is one of the world’s challenges, it is mainly focused on most respected voices strengthening a on the topic of intimate and could be a useful tool for any couple relationships. seeking relationship help. Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic ➊ ➏ Trust Intelligence (Harper ➋ ➐ Relations Paperbacks, 2007), Perel's Responsibility Intimacy landmark book, explores ➌ ➑ the “paradoxical union of have collectively reached my work as a therapist, I ➍ Companionship ➒ Sex domesticity and sexual over 17 million viewers. see despair, entrenched ➎ Appreciation ➓ Letting Go desire” and was translated The Belgian native is a patterns, loneliness in into 25 languages. practising psychotherapist the presence of another, Each section includes details on what Her TED Talks, The in New York, speaker, contempt, violence, lack each dimension means, as well as a list Secret to Desire in a and consultant. From her of any physical touch; so of questions to prompt deeper thinking Long-Term Relationship website: “Couples therapy many couples come to me and suggestions to encourage positive change. (February 2013) and is probably the hardest way beyond due date. I Rethinking Infidelity… type of therapy to be in learn, daily, how to master The 10 Critical Dimensions handout is A Talk for Anyone Who and to practise; and I have the art of couple therapy.” available under Free Tools at Has Ever Loved (May 2015) been on both sides. In www.estherperel.com www.infidelityrecoveryinstitute.com.

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