volume 12 - issue 4 - tuesday, september 24, 2012 - uvm, burlington, vt uvm.edu/~watertwr - thewatertower.tumblr.com

by rebeccalaurion

Quick confession before we begin: I’m not a huge gamer. However, 90 percent of my friends are, and my earliest memory of my father is watching him play Final Fan- tasy. So even though I wasn’t one of the people who spent my weekend download- ing Borderlands 2 or Torchlight 2, I can still deeply appreciate what game culture has done for me. I’ve met some of my best friends through Meta-Gaming Club, and, even though I consider myself a huge geek, just in diff erent ways, gaming wasn’t exact- ly on my radar until college. As such, I’ve learned quite a bit about the world of gaming, whether I have enjoyed it or not. For one thing, a ‘gamer’ doesn’t necessarily mean an acne-ridden virgin draped in wizard robes in their mother’s basement. Th ough, that’s not to say that never happens anymore. A gamer can be anyone from someone religiously playing Angry Birds on their phone or any devoted fan waiting outside Game Stop during all hours of the night for the newest consoles ben berrick or Halo installments. by phoebefooks and patrickmurphy As a whole, I think we can all agree that stereotypes are stupid as hell. And with Vermont, and Burlington specifi cally, the primary target of the Dobrá Tea protes- es-too long-menu is a so-called “waste of gamers, there are plenty of them: they’re is known for its politically active and of- tors. Th e protest’s leader who has chosen time”. Th ey even have a former Dobrá em- usually viewed as antisocial, reclusive, ten radical youth. We protest politics, to remain anonymous, expresses in the ployee enlisted in their task force, showing prone to violence or just generally weird. greenwashing, sexism, and even Dobrá Facebook group’s description, “Th ings with that even the tea devotees are fed up. Even though walking into a group of peo- Tea. Yes, you heard me correctly. A move- cheese are mostly always better than things “Fuck interesting shit! We need some ple talking about Plants vs. Zombies seems ment against the Church Street teahouse made out of dirty leaves. Tea is not actually more fl oors with grease on them, more fat intimidating, gamers are really just people has evolved from humble begin- bitches sweat- enthusiastic about what they love. And just nings in a Facebook group titled ing out the like English majors talking about Shake- “TURN DOBRÁ INTO A TACO out with the grungy, socialism-preaching city stench of the speare, or sports fans talking about cur- BELL” into a citywide crusade. Led park dwellers, and in with dog-food-grade bleached pork rent player stats, they want to share that by high school students from the they just ate and enthusiasm with others. I can tell you from greater Burlington Area, and stem- meat, oily cheese, and lettuce sprayed with so so resemble! experience how alienating it can be to not ming specifi cally from Essex Junc- More smells of understand the gaming discussion around tion High School, this movement is many preservatives its list of ingredients ex- chemical per- me, but it’s really just about broadening driving faster than a Cheesy Gor- ceeds that of a frozen kid cuisine meal. fumes, sprayed your geeky horizons. dita Crunch rips through the in- to hide the One way my horizons have been broad- testines. So look out UVMers, with stench of the ened has been through the popularity of support like this, a brand new Taco pure shit you video games. Video games have come a Bell may be on your horizon. a real beverage; it is just a conspiracy the- are eating!” voices another protestor. long way since the 1970s, when Pong was Th e cozy little teahouse that you may ory made up by people who wanted to see Th is says something strong about what all the rage. Now, with consoles such as the have gone to once during your fi rst-year how far they could get people to go in the the youth of today truly want. Out with Xbox and the Wii, challenges within games Week of Welcome is far from the locally name of being an embarrassing hipster”. the grungy, socialism-preaching City Park have gotten harder, graphics have become owned business you once thought it was. Furthermore, the group complains that no dwellers, out with smelly herbs imported impossibly beautiful, and gamers can have Dobrá Tea has nine locations in Europe restaurant should allow people to take their from India falsely promising relaxation the benefi ts of a shared experience from the and the U.S., however its non-locality is not shoes off , and that the restaurant’s 200-pag- and serenity, and in with dog-food- grade privacy of their own home. Video games are

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internet lobbies rock on at petra cliff s staying in for the night disney channel fashion icons by coleburton by caito’hara by sagebierman by sarahperda news ticker: How you like your eggs, fried or fertilized? +++ I think 4chan could use some government regulation +++ I like how the French know something is stupid, and then do it anyways. g flipside of the by coleburton coin Last week, Google, Yahoo, Amazon, vote the legislation through last year. Many Pirate Bay, I fear that it could be the first deregulation for the oil industry. This is a and Facebook, along with ten other web of the companies which lobbied against tumble down the slippery slope of full cen- reason that many people do not support based companies, founded the Internet As- SOPA/PIPA online and in Washington this sorship. the new Internet Association: the potential sociation lobbying group in Washington. past January are among the Internet As- Yet anyone who opposes my stand- for corruption now and especially in the Its stated intent is “protecting Internet free- sociation’s lobbying group, like Google or point has legitimate cause; coalitions this future. Dear readers, with georgeloftus dom, fostering innovation and economic Yahoo. If these members continue giving large in Washington are dangerous. It can So, as this organization begins its jour- Dear water tower, growth, and empowering users.” The web out the same amount of money as last year, generally be said that by allowing such ex- ney in Washington, we are faced with a sim- Campus—I know for a fact I’m not the only one with a 3DS at this school. industry waged an online war against Con- the coalition will have a lobbying power of tensive lobbying organizations, which fun- ilar choice to the one that the members of In reading of Sullivan’s (secret) Thousand Day Plan, I am increasingly more How? Because on my walk to class I’m surprised if more than 8 of you look gressional legislation like the SOPA and around five million dollars per year (not a nel money directly from private or publicly the Internet Association made when faced terrified of the direction our administration is taking this fine university. Although like you’ve gone through puberty. Bring your gameboys; I need to streetpass. PIPA bills when they were brought up in whole lot in political terms). To make up owned companies and corporations, these with SOPA/PIPA. It is the choice between part of me can understand taking over Champlain College, I’m appalled by the Please? I’m sorry I called you babyfaced. the House last October, even though the for this somewhat modest sum, most of groups can quickly become corrupt. Along hoping for the best and expecting good week of vacation in Hawaii and the agreement with the Mounties. As a deeply spiri- bills were meant to prevent acts of piracy these companies also have the potential for with corruption, there usually comes a shift things from Google, Yahoo, and the rest, or tual person, I also do not feel that we as human beings are meant to know the se- Nintendo—After months of teasing, tussing, and blueballing, Nintendo on the Internet (i.e. the supermassive file immense amounts of free advertising on into hidden agendas as groups start lobby- to assume the worst, that greed and profit crets of the universe. As such, I suggest a coup over yet another iron-fisted dictator. finally announced a release date/price for the wii’s successor. It comes out of live Phish albums, episodes of The Andy their respective websites. It’ll be a while be- ing for self-advancement and profit while will win out in the end. I believe they can when students can’t play it and it comes at a price students can’t afford un- Griffith Show, and the “Ben & Cherry’s” fore we can tell whether or not this new cy- ignoring public interests. Examples of do some good, so either I’m an optimist, or Power to the people! less their parents happen to like them. Box Set that you downloaded during your ber-group can do any good in Washington, these corrupt lobbying associations include my brain just can’t comprehend Washing- -Former President Fogel Astronomy lecture last year). but I can only hope it accomplishes its goals the American Petroleum Institute (API), ton fostering any more corruption than it Borderlands 2—This game is fantastic. I’m glad it came out. I hated having Personally, I’m glad that a group has to prevent the regulation of our freedom on which touts its “Environmental, Health & already does. You judge for yourself. g a moderately good GPA anyway. been formed to protect freedom on the the Internet. When the government starts Safety” work on its website, yet lobbies the Your concern is certainly warranted, which is why we have formed the militia. Internet in the wake of the SOPA/PIPA fi- regulating any one of the Internet’s many government for billions of tax breaks and Viva la repubblica! Transformers 4—Nobody wanted Transformers 2-3... so why does Michael asco, where Congress quietly attempted to realms, like 4chan or the James Aglio and Liz Cantrell Bay think he’s the only one “capable” of directing the “last” installment? The Editors-in-Chief Rock was good, Michael. Pearl Harbor was not. The Office—How did no one take this dog out into the yard and old yeller Here’s a picture of Walter Cronkite to round out your news experience. it right after Jim and Pam got together? This show died after Rashida Jones Because as old Walty used to remind us, “And that’s the way it is”. Sometimes reading the water tower makes our readers want to get naked and left. It’s cool though, she’s on a better show. fight the power. But most of the time, they just send emails. Send your thoughts on anything in this week’s issue to [email protected]

the water tower. with kerrymartin uvm’s alternative newsmag uvm.edu/~watertwr ______Editorial Staff Editors-in-Chief “There are 47 percent who are with [Obama], who are dependent upon James Aglio Liz Cantrell government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the govern- News Editor ment has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are Kerry Martin Around Town Editor entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it.” George Loftus - Mitt Romney accusing nearly half the nation of only voting for Obama so they can be welfare freeloaders. It’s true that poorest 46.4% Reflections Editor of Americans don’t pay federal income tax, but Romney’s inflammatory remark ignores not only the state, sales, and payroll taxes that Phoebe Fooks these citizens still pay, but also the richest Americans who don’t pay income tax either. Fork It Over Editor Jamie Beckett Fashion Editor Sarah Perda “Strong emotions have been awakened Créatif Stuffé Editor in many Muslim countries. Is it really “My view is that the military Josh Hegarty sensible or intelligent to pour oil on the has kind of moved beyond it.” Tunes Editor by richieheap mariel brown-fallon Dylan McCarthy fire?” - Leon E. Panetta, the US Defense Secretary, celebrat- Humor Editor ing the military’s acceptance of gays since “Don’t Ask, Joe Kubert began drawing comics, ing scintillating stories of war, rooted in future, my boulder of a stepping stone to Collin Cappelle - Laurent Fabius, France’s foreign minister, reacting to Mohammed-mock- Don’t Tell” was repealed a year ago. However, they still katharine longfellow professionally, when he was around 13. He Kubert’s research of, and participation in everything I would come to love, do, and Copy Editor ing cartoons recently published in a French satirical magazine, just days enforce the policy for recruits with third nipples. didn’t stop from then in 1940 until his re- the Korean War. He founded the Kubert aspire to.” The artist that grabbed me the Laura Greenwood after a similarly offensive video sparked protests and killings across the cent death, last month. Kubert was an art- School in 1976, which has educated some way Adams is describing wasn’t Kubert. But Middle East. Ace move. ist, an educator, and a father. He emerged of the most popular artists and writers in the guy who got me back into comics, after ______Staff Writers as a force in the comic book community the medium including his sons, Andy and years abroad in colorless disinterest, was Ben Donovan Laura Dillon right after the Adam, and a mul- Andy Kubert, Joe Kubert’s son. The distinc- Laura Frangipane “They found gold coins and bullion, tiny dos-pesos, $20 gold pieces, super-hero ex- titude of other tive style that Andy has is undeniable, he is Cait O’Hara plosion following “His art was convincing Eisner award win- able to translate actions a bit more dramati- Katja Ritchie Austrian ducats, Kruggerrands and English Sovereigns dating to the Superman’s de- and always conveyed ning artists. cally than his father, and can abstract to a ______Art Staff 1840s – enough gold to fill two wheelbarrows.” but in 1938. His Neal Adams, degree that gives him a bit more creative Art Editors art was convinc- the story perfectly, while a friend of Ku- license, but the foundations in his work Kitty Faraji ing and always bert’s and artist were pure Joe. The classic poses, the bril- Malcolm Valaitis - Isolde Raftery reporting on Walter Samaszko, who, at the time of his death, had $200 in his bank account but $7 million in gold smacking with an almost stored at home. He lost his genitalia in an unfortunate smelting accident. conveyed the for many comic liant staging, the focus to detail that Kubert Art Staff story perfectly, eerie mythicism.” books, including was known for were evident in the style of Caney Demars the water tower is UVM’s alternative newsmag and is a weekly student publication at the University of Vermont in Burlington, Vermont. while smacking Batman, X-Men, his descendants. He was a man who lived Katharine Longfellow with an almost and Green Lan- by his imagination and who sparked imagi- Lauryn Schrom contact the wt. read the wt. join the wt. Our generation stands at a eerie mythicism. tern, wrote short- nation within us. Letters to the Editor/General B/H Library - 1st Floor New writers and artists crossroads. With sincerity Hawkman, one of DC Comics’ characters ly after Kubert’s death “There it stood. Issue Suggested Reading: Layout Staff [email protected] Davis Center - 1st Floor Entrance are always welcome and humor, we strive to make Megan Kelley you reexamine, investigate, that Kubert began drawing in the 1950’s, #1 of TOR of 1,000,000 B.C. By Joe Kubert. Tor: A Prehistoric Odyssey Martine Wong Editors-in-Chief: Davis Center - Main St. Tunnel Weekly meetings [email protected] L/L - Outside Alice’s Café Tuesdays at 7:30 pm question, learn, and maybe seemed to float on the page conveying the I was carried away. I thought I recognized Showcase Presents: Enemy Ace Vol 1 Advertising: Old Mill Annex - Main Lobby Chittenden Bank Room pee your pants along the way. elegant beauty of flight, contrasted with the style, but I didn’t know from where. Showcase Presents: Hawkman Vol 1 ______Special Thanks To the fearsome power of the hawk. His steel There I was, a vomit-stained, exhausted, Yossel g UVM Art Department Digital Lab [email protected] Waterman - Main Lobby Davis Center - 4th Floor We are the reason people can’t Williams - Inside Steps Or send us an email wait for Tuesday. We are the jawed, military hero, Sgt. Rock starred in bewildered 10 years old, stunned to the Online - uvm.edu/~watertwr water tower. perhaps his most popular series, featur- soles of my feet, holding in my hands my TACO BELL-continued from page 1 meat, oily cheese, and lettuce sprayed with so many preservatives its list Unlike today’s corrupt politicians polluting our radio waves with lies and propa- of ingredients exceeds that of a frozen Kid Cuisine meal. As with any radical ganda, Taco Bell instills honesty. This is what our fellow protestors want to see. movement, there has additionally been a violent backlash against the Dobrá Within the leaves of the 200-page encyclopedic menu Dobrá that drops on by lizcantrell factionists. One strong opponent declared, “This sucks more than the end of you when you arrive for a calming cup of tea are several confusing and possibly World War II. Fuck this shit; Dobrá is dope as fuck. I can go in there high as a offensive tea names. “Feng Huang Dan Cong” raises more than just a few eye- I almost high fived my roommate for with the expected metal screeching during the kite and everyone’s chill about it. Screw your fake Mexican food and screw taco brows. Your run-of-the-mill general physician is not going to screen an allergy making such a good joke when she said, “so screamo chorus. After Terraform left the stage, shit, man.” In response, the Dobrá dissenters acclaimed that going into Taco Bell test for this rare oolong, whose street name is “The Phoenix Bird of Guandong,” you wanna check out my friend’s band at Metal the middle act showcased five songs of in- “high as a kite” is just as feasible, if not more so, and also the Nazis were the only according to Dobrá’s website. Instead of listing all ingredients on their in-store Mondays?” My definition of heavy metal be- creasing scream-ocity. Unfortunately, I never ones upset about the end of World War II, thus the protestors conclude their menu, the bulk of the thing is a travel diary. You have no idea what possible gins and ends with traumatic images of stroll- caught the band’s name, but they did their part opponents are Neo-Nazis. Shit just got real. toxins you’re ingesting when you imbibe their tea. ing by Hot Topic from my middle school mall- in continuing to build the energy. On the surface, this may seem like a clash between global consumerism and Meanwhile at Taco Bell, there is a mutual understanding between you and crawl days, so I couldn’t imagine what the eff The final group, Sanguine Sun, closed the “buy local” movement; however, as already mentioned, Dobrá tea is hardly the apathetic employees that you run a high risk of potential Sodexo-style as- I’d be getting myself into. the night with no singing whatsoever—just a local enterprise. If Church Street is to be overrun with corporations, people squakes. The Taco Bell menu can be easily scanned and comprehended in just a Eventually, my roomie coerced me, and straight ear-piercing cries. But their instru- want one that is upfront with their (lack of) quality and match their prices ac- few glances—everyone knows what beef and spicy chicken are. we headed downtown for Nectar’s weekly ment solos provided some relief, and while the cordingly, unlike Dobrá tea or the commonly scapegoated Urban Outfitters. As What the debate boils down to is that the summative motive behind these Monday metal showcase. I walked in with (ad- music might have been at an uncomfortable one supporter said, “Dobrá is a glowing blue light that sucks in all of the hipsters youthful protests is that Dobrá Tea is a fucking dirty place. With its dim-lit mittedly biased) images of black clothing and decibel, it certainly wasn’t talentless. What was and hippies like moths to a bug zapper.” Take it from all the Urban Outfitters rooms that are clad with oriental rugs and separated by hemp-woven bead cur- screaming about #darkfeelings, and when we most impressive was that all of the acts were shirts that have ripped within the first hour of being worn: hipster and hippies tains, Dobrá Tea is a cesspool of dirty hippies and dirty lies. You have a 90% rolled up I went straight to the bar to get my performing original songs. I’m not knocking care about image, and they don’t care about quality. chance of leaving the building with Athlete’s Foot due to the lack of customer bearings. While I was obviously a newb in my covers, but it’s always refreshing to experience But you know who else doesn’t care about quality? Taco Bell. That’s why footwear, or a bacterial infection from their “house special”, an infusion of lo- flowered scarf and cowboy boots, with beer in people playing what they want to play and say- the Crunchwrap Supreme, a Taco Bell favorite, costs less than $1. They know cally harvested braided pubes. (Just kidding, the closest razor to any Dobrá Tea hand, I was ready to observe the creatures of ing what they have to say. it’s made of shit, so they price it like it’s shit. In this economy, moderately priced employee is located at the Rite-Aid two blocks up). As one Essex frontrunner in metal. While I wasn’t exactly losing my shit over dog food wrapped in corn meal and cooking oil is all our generation can afford. this movement so eloquently stated, “Dobrá Tea is where I come to queef.” g The crowd was mostly college students, the music like the rest of the crowd (who had but there were scatterings of older adults and now gone full steam ahead with the not-so- even a few (obviously confused) people in gentle art of moshing), I did come to sym- suits. It would be hyperbole to call the place pathize with the people who love this genre. packed, but it was clearly a popular enough One of the metal devotees I talked to said it by georgeloftus event to draw a medium sized crowd. A few was difficult for metal bands to land gigs be- If you just broke up with someone, do not see Celeste and Jesse Forever. If you like indie movies that aren’t pretentious, go see Sleepwalk With Me. brave souls had already begun moshing, and cause Burlington and UVM are more receptive If you hate how much money your parents have, go see Moonrise Kingdom (read: pretentious indie movies). If you want to be confused, go see Beasts of I kept a safe distance as I checked out the first to other types of music, not to mention that the Southern Wild. If you have a uterus, go see Trouble with the Curve. If you’re meeting your significant others’ parents this weekend, redboxGirl With act. heavy metal outfits are generally ostracized or the Dragon Tattoo. or Muppets Take Manhattan, they have the same plot structure. g It was about 9:30 and the female vocalist viewed as “scary”. Which, hey, they kind of are. for the opening band, Terraform, was start- But they’re musicians too, and they deserve ing things off right, interspersing her power- props for having the balls to perform and get ful Amy Lee-esque voice during the verses their music out there. g Wash Spot Laundromat

OPEN 24 HOURS 7 DAYS/WK 207 Riverside Ave, Burlington by katjaritchie We fine-looking folk atthe water tower know that sometimes you Next to Newton’s Carwash 1/2 mile from UVM need to do some fancy finger-work before you can get the real workout on. We also like to go to the gym sometimes. You may be familiar with the cute little setup now mounting the en- trance to the fitness center at Patrick Gym. They are, in fact, biometric by caito’hara finger vein readers, and they serve the exact same purpose as swiping your Will match any value put on Wash Card CatCard through the scanner next to the turnstile: one touch of the right OVER $20.00 and up to a $50 Match finger in the right spot and it’s a free ride. About a month ago now, my lovely boyfriend con- one trip to Petra Cliffs and I was hooked. one crucial move and the absolute exaltation that follows Biometric readers are different than normal fingerprint scanners: one, vinced me to give climbing a chance. I’ll admit that I was Climbing is a puzzle you solve with your body. You are finally nailing the problem. Climbing allows me to take all with student I.D. See website for details. in that it doesn’t store any images of the finger in question, and two, in that willing to at least try, but I was batshit terrified of being given a problem in the form of a new route and completing of my stresses and manifest them into something tangible. it doesn’t use a fingerprint at all. According to the informational PDF on more than a couple feet off the ground. You see; heights it is entirely based on your skill, your strength and your Finishing a problem isn’t just about the joy of getting it; it’s the fitness center website (under “Facilities”, if you’d like to explore how and I are not friends. I wouldn’t go so far as to say we’re will power. It’s a challenge that can be solved 12 different also overcoming all the other shit holding me back. to properly finger on your own time), the system uses a series of points in mortal enemies, but heights have always been like that bul- ways and it’s up to you to figure out the best way to solve Sound like something you might want to try but ner- the vein in your finger, stored as binary data, to create a unique code that ly in the 4th grade who would always throw things at the it for you. Bouldering for me has gone from being some- vous about it? Don’t be. The great thing about climbing • High Extraction Washers = Less Dry time essentially works as a fingerprint reading would. Your finger is scanned by back of your head. I could ignore them all I wanted and be is that you can go at your own pace and even the littlest “passing near-infrared light” through it, allowing it to be read by a CCD just fine, but would get hit in the face when I’d turn around “finishing a problem isn’t of accomplishments will leave you feeling like you finally 8 Load Washers $10.39 camera, which then identifies the pattern of your vein… or something to to retaliate. managed to score with that hottie you always see outside of that effect. So throughout my life I’ve let heights be. As a matter just about the joy of getting the library. There’s a couple of ways you can go about start- 5 Load Washers $6.19 Whatever the specific fancy toys involved, I was game, and so on my of fact, the last time I attempted any sort of climbing (fuck ing this new endeavor. The UVM Climbing Team/Club is a 3 Load Washers $3.54 most recent trip to the gym I asked the girl sitting behind the counter if she you high school gym class), I froze approximately 15 feet it; it’s also overcoming all the great resource as far as information and potential training could help me get things going. I was instructed to fully insert the middle up a 30-foot wall and my “friend” left me there. Ok, so she partners. Here on campus we have a small climbing wall 2 Load Washers $2.14 finger of my right hand until I touched the end for maximum effectiveness just refused to let me down until I got all the way up, but other shit holding me back.” and a moderately ok bouldering hall. We are also fortunate • Wash-Dry-Fold Service (ladies) of the scanner. The whole process is a quickie, if you will, and I was it was a traumatizing moment and that feeling of shit your enough to have an indoor climbing gym, Petra Cliffs, right heading up to the gym in less than a minute. pants terror wasn’t something I wanted to experience ever here in Burlington. Located out by Oakledge Park, for less • FREE Wi-Fi (bring your laptops) Contrary to popular belief (meaning the approximately four specula- again. than the price of a large specialty pie from Leonardo’s, you • Accepts Credit and Debit Cards tions I heard before actually signing up), you don’t need to have your Cat- Imagine my surprise then, when I found I out I didn’t thing I thought I’d do once in a while; to something I do can rent shoes and climb for the day. And they run stu- Card in hand to get your biometric hookup. I was pleasantly surprised at have to be more than 15 feet off the ground! There are 4 or 5 days a week for an hour or two every day. Being a dent deals on 3 month passes if it comes to the point where • Clean and Air-Conditioned how much sense that made, since the whole system is effectively replacing several types of climbing, and one of them is bouldering. student requires a lot of mental exercise and abuse. I have your life savings are slowly going down the drain by paying the card-swipe, but it does sort of defeat the purpose for those who live in Bouldering is usually done at heights less than 25 feet. Har- found no better way to relax; not drinking, not smoking, day by day. If nothing else, get a group of friends together the dorms and therefore still need their CatCard for things like re-entering nesses are not used, and when you do fall as is inevitable, not crying into my pillow, than throwing myself at a wall. and give it a shot. It’s a great way to spend a day and who thewashspot.com their place of residence. Still, signing up is as simple as reciting your 95 you will plop gently into squishy crash pads. The routes Persisting on a problem, throwing myself at it over and knows? Maybe you’ll end up with a new hobby. g number from memory (oh wait…), and hey, you may as well get in on the usually aren’t all that long, although they can be over again and feeling my muscles scream in pain. Deal- Email. [email protected] easy access. g challenging and physically exhausting. It took all of ing with the growing frustration of just barely missing that 802.862.6100 GAMING-continued from page 1 by staceybrandt art by allana gangloff If questioned about our decision to at- ing new to UVM, first-years have not yet pm. Most of us have been “preparing” to by sagebierman tend UVM, us first-years will respond settled into our role as moving traffic cones go out since 7:30, so by the time a party without hesitation that we came for the through which older students attached to of some legitimacy begins hours later, our Have you ever had one of those weeks where by Friday night you can’t contemplate dragging your exhausted body anywhere but to your bed? Perhaps you beautiful trees, the peaceful mountain air, a variety of wheeled vehicles may skillfully “preparations” have gone on too long. This have a test on Monday and need to spend the weekend getting real intimate with your textbooks, or maybe you straight up don’t have the slightest inclination the unreal skiing, and the quietly vehement (but mostly not so skillfully) weave. I would explains why many end up with their heads to go out. If you should find yourself in a situation that prevents you from getting crunk on a Friday or Saturday night while it feels like everybody and their liberalism. However, there are additionally like to apologize to all you non-freshmen in the toilet, praying to the porcelain gods moms are preparing themselves to wander Pearl Street in search of a good party—don’t you worry. There are dozens of ways to have a ballin’ time staying in! certain aspects of this particular university cruisers who expect us to dexterously step that the dorm won’t be charged extra clean The pervasive stereotype about college is that every weekend will undoubtedly involve ragers, raves, and drunken nights that cumulate in your inebriated self for which we were highly unprepared. out of the way as you bomb down the Main up fees. passed out on Main Street in a desperate attempt to make it back to the warm sanctuary of your dorm. The much more real aspect of college is that a lot of I will start by acknowledging a presence Street hill in our direction. We are still So what about the more “experienced” people choose to stay in than go out, and many students don’t drink or party every weekend, or even at all. So when Friday or Saturday night rolls around, around campus whose name appropriately learning these basic reflexes. In addition to buffalo among our herd? These distin- don’t be afraid to don sweatpants instead of stilettos, kick back with some friends, and eat, craft, or dance to your heart’s content. begins with “F” and ends in “UCK”... Fire TAP classes, UVM should require a course guished individuals are very proud that they truck. Most of us freshmen believed if we in walking safety to teach us such defensive can handle their “preparations”. The females happened to find ourselves outside at night, maneuvers as: the “ankle lift”, the “full- are clad in skin-tight black skirts and tops we would hear the eerie yet lovely howls of body lunge”, and the ever so difficult “stop- which in most cultures of the world would a wolf pack—not a pack of howling fire texting-you-are-about-to-get-hit”. For the be considered sacrilegious. Their male trucks. That’s to say, we were unaware of the time being, I think it would be more ben- companions are sporting faded T-shirts, Every dorm has a kitchen for its residents, so anybody can partake in If you aren’t feeling like going out, indulge in a few abundant fire truck activity. Approximately eficial for first-year walkers to wear helmets cargo shorts, and super-sexy lanyards (an hours of craftiness. Make the mini hike to the Mi- 73 times a day their horns blare with ear- and padding than our extreme-sporting accessory which could easily be replaced this awesome activity. Go to the Marche, pick up some brownie mix or some spaghetti, as well as all necessary ingredients to make said foods chaels in the Staples Plaza and pick up all neces- shattering urgency by a large sary supplies to fulfill your creative needs. Michaels more than just puzzle solving, they’re about Better yet? Talk to real gamers on cam- as massive red blurs sign read- delicious, and spend the next couple hours making yourself a gourmet dinner. Your friends will thank you for the break from Sodexo when you has hours upon hours of entertainment contained immersing yourself in an imaginary world, pus. Trust me, there are tons of them. We whiz across one’s ing, “I’m a within its fragrant aisles, so finding something that where you literally hold the controls. Gam- even have weekly meetings to discuss the vision like a ridicu- freshman whip up your mom’s secret marinara sauce and show them what real fine dining is. To complete the sober kitchen experience, it’s important tickles your fancy should be a breeze. Does a fam- ing has become much more mainstream, newest releases, play RPGs (which are Role lously conspicuous and please ily member or a friend have a birthday coming up? with titles like “World of Warcraft”, “Call of Playing Games, for example, Dungeons super hero. “It’s a don’t let me to pretend that you’re Emeril Lagasse and talk everybody through what you’re doing with way too much enthusiasm. BAM! Grab some puff paint from Michaels and add per- Duty” and “Pokemon” becoming everyday and Dragons, which is actually really fuck- bird!” “It’s a plane!” into your sonal touches to the UVM tie/ mug/ tote bag you jargon. At some point, everyone has been ing cool) at the Meta-Gaming Club (L&L “No,wait, it was just party”). It is inevitably bought for the birthday boy/girl. With a gamer. D Classroom, Tuesdays and Fridays at 7). If a fire truck.” The clear by the puff painting, the possibilities are endless. You can Whatever genre tickles your fancy, there’s you keep your eyes open, you can spot the decibel of Burling- first-year decorate anything, from T-shirts to picture frames, a game out there for you. Whether you’re a gamers in a crowd. They’re the ones shout- ton fire trucks ap- ensembles with inside jokes, song lyrics, and your favorite history buff, zombie enthusiast, science fic- ing about broadswords vs. battle axes, and proach unsafe lev- that we are quotes. tion/fantasy nerd, or you just want to kill complaining about taking arrows to the els and have caused completely things with big guns to release your frus- knee. They’re nice people, go say hi some- a perpetual ringing ignorant trations at the world, there’s something out time. in my left ear; then to simple Invite your best buds over, there. If you have no idea where to start, do Moral of the story: don’t jump to conclu- again, it could also geography. accumulate all the blankets some research about games/consoles that sions. Even if you decide that gaming isn’t be the dubstep. With all the trucks racing counterparts. Burlington happens to be located at a lati- and pillows you can, call up will fit your needs. Want human interac- for you, at least you can say you tried. If you about, one would be led to believe that Bur- Lastly, I would like to touch upon our tude far north of the equator. In short, it Leonardo’s or China Express tion? Visit a store, where the employees are know for a fact that video games don’t ap- lington was either located in a high-risk rather unfortunate nightlife. On a typical gets fucking cold here. Unlike buffalo, we’ll or maybe some Wings Over, paid to know their stuff, and should be able peal to you, try some of the awesome board wildfire zone or subject to sporadic, daily Friday night, you can expect to see herds be freezing our asses off by 9:30pm scam- pick out an awesome movie It might seem lame, but as someone to find one that will interest you. Whether games out there, like Arkham Horror or terrorist attacks (neither of which I was in- of us wandering up and down Pearl Street pering back to the dorm for a sweatshirt. and chill your balls off. If it’s a who has done laundry religiously on ei- you want single-player, connect with other Munchkin. Give Role-Playing Games a try. formed about in my orientation pamphlet). resembling a National Geographic special So far, I have had an excellent start to the girls’ night, you can’t go wrong ther Friday or Saturday nights for two gamers in a group experience via the In- Seriously, there are so many options out I have yet to discover more plausible expla- on the migration patterns of buffalo. We year. My welcome to UVM has been like with a Disney movie, but if years at UVM, I can tell you it’s awe- ternet, or you just want to watch Mario there. And if you don’t even feel like try- nations for all the fire-related emergencies. are searching for the nearest watering hole a hug from a rather plump aunt of mine- you’re chilling with non-prin- some. Whether you’re doing it at eight eat mushrooms and turn into a giant, you ing anything, you had better have a good Another formal warning in the pamphlet signified by red Solo cups, cigarette puffs, warm, strangely comforting, and always cess fans, The Dark Knight or o’clock or at midnight, laundry on a should be able to locate something that in- reason. Just sayin’. g would have been helpful in cautioning us and a “security guard” who is constantly smelling vaguely of pancakes and maple Inception will hit the spot. Or- weekend night is a win. You’ll have ac- terests you. against the reckless longboarders (see also: looking over his shoulder like a paranoid syrup. Thanks to all you older students who dering out once in a while will cess to a choice selection of the best skateboarders, bikers, scooter-ers, roller- seagull; hey buddy, the cops aren’t staked have been bearing with freshmen as we feel give your points a breather, and most effective washers and dryers, bladers, and unicyclists). Or perhaps a out with snipers in the bushes. What the out our first year. I know you smirk as we and if you’re splitting the food and to sweeten the deal, you won’t have “Proceed with Caution” sign near Central freshmen herd still fails to understand is partake in our ridiculous endeavors, and between some friends you to fight people for machines or worry campus accompanied by a series of flash- that unlike high school get-togethers, col- that’s totally cool, but just remember: you probably won’t spend more about any eager beavers taking your ing lights on the Davis Center walkway. Be- lege festivities do not commence at 8:30 were a freshman once too. g than six or seven dollars on underwear out of the wash before you your feast. even have a chance to make it down the Got a tv show drinking game of your own? stairs. So avoid the Sunday Slam and do Send it in to thewatertowernews@gmail. your laundry on Friday or Saturday! com — If it doesn’t suck, hey, we might even by patrickmurphy publish it. After extensive testing, of course. Mark “AROUND TOWN DRINKING The iPhone has the uncanny ability of HeyTell is like the international walk- with bendonovan and georgeloftus GAME” in the subject line. We’re serious. making the most simple things we do ie-talkie I never had. So much easier We don’t want to write this every week. We with our phones more entertaining. Just than texting and twice as fun, this app have shit to do. g small things like calling someone is made adds personality into the cellular social The West Wing easier by having a mic built into your sphere. Much like text messaging, all of earphones, or how texting has a bunch of your chats are saved, leaving you with a We at The Water Tower could’ve been political leaders. But then we weren’t. We blame our ambition. Dedicate several hours to your favor- those hidden gems where you can send collection of unnamed 2 second blurbs It was too much for us to handle: ite show on Nexflix. Or, if you prefer a someone a whale or raunchy combina- of god only knows what. Making phone more interactive Internet experience, Anyone who has ever spent a couple awkward your room smells better than any club. One cold tions of emoji. One of the most funda- calls has become so stressful for most When there’s a 90’s anachronism (corded phone, pagers/beepers, Rolodex, budget surplus, Martin check out imgur, #whatshouldwe- mental activities of our age group is also people for absolutely no reason other hours at Lift will tell you that clubs aren’t the best winter’s night, my friend and I decided to make a callme, or thatssotrue.com. I guaran- sheen with dark hair, etc.) place to get down with your bad self. If you engage music video of “Love the Way You Lie”. She put on augmented by the sheer awesomeness than pure laziness, but HeyTell hybrid- When there’s a long tracking shot. tee that you will spend many happy of the iPhone: drunk texting. I texted izes texting and phone calls into a single in the same goofy, socially unacceptable form of a baseball hat, I put on some Mardi Gras beads, hours on these websites. Every time you want to bang Rob Lowe (No homo, but seriously, look at those eyelashes) dancing that I do and aren’t a huge fan of bump- and we had the time of our lives channeling Emi- one of my friends “TEQUILA” once and stress-free and effort-free manifestation. Every time Toby gets angry. ing and grinding with a stranger, never fear. Ac- nem and Rihanna. So pick out a song that makes now I can’t even come close to spelling And if you’ve got a friend that exces- Every time someone yells for their secretaries. cept that a club will never be able to satisfy your you wanna bust a move, set up your camera/com- anything beginning in “te” without my sively abbreviates to the point where you Anytime the president is smarter than any real politician in the United States primal urge to jump around and sing along to top puter, and record you and your besties dancing iPhone swooping in and correcting it to would rather eat a pound of human hair Every time Josh and Donna have sexual tension. 40 pop songs at the top of your lungs. To avoid your hearts out. Recording it is essential, because TEQUILA. However, drunk texting has than read their text messages, just have Every time Josh is awesome in spite of his role in Billy Madison. the censure of your peers, stay at home and throw after you’re done dancing, whether it’s a minute become second nature and some of us them download HeyTell, they’ll have one Every time someone echoes someone else’s line for comedic effect. your own dance party! Every one will be sober (a or a year later, you can have the time of your life are probably looking for a new outlet of hell of a time trying to translate Every time CJ lays down the law. communication with our friends during their idiotic dialect into a spoken big embarrassment-saver when it comes to danc- watching the video. Seriously, dance parties are g Finish your beer when something gives your sense of American pride a raging boner/lady-boner. ing), there won’t be any sketchballs, and I guaran- where it’s at. our inebriated mindsets. This week I am tongue. (IE, if you’re American and the music swells, finish your drink.) tee that no matter how rank your gym shorts are, featuring HeyTell: voice text messaging. overheard a conversation in b-town? was it hilarious? dumb? inspirational? tell the ear and we’ll print it. uvm.edu/~watertwr/ear.html by sarahperda Edward Marshall – Up, Up, and Away In the Fishbowl Unless you lived under a rock in a far away land Andy Brinker – Brink! You’re probably wondering who this character even lacking cable TV, you probably grew up watching someone on campus catch your eye? Guy: Do you guys know where the fishbowl is in the Davis Oh Andy, the original skater-boy. There are very few is. Edward, played by Sherman Hemsley (if that aids couldn’t get a name? Center? the Disney Channel. Friday nights at 8/7 C meant people who could make rollerblades and wrist-guards your visual), is the grandpa is this film, aka the “Steel new Disney Channel Original Movies, and new submit your love anonymously Girl: We’re in the fishbowl. look as good as that hot tamale did. Brink sparked the Condor,” the super-strong superhero who has an ongo- uvm.edu/~watertwr/iwysb.html DCOMs often meant new fashion inspiration. Here skater-chic trend back in the 90s that still exists today, al- ing feud with Superman. The Steel Condor is more of an Guy: Oh. awesome. where are my friends...? are a few of the most influential style icons of our beit more focused on longboards and wolf t-shirts, prov- inspiration than an icon—all I’m saying is that if I look time hailing from the Disney Channel: ing that quality style trends never die. that spiffy in spandex when I’m that old, I’ll be absolutely In Front of Billings ecstatic. Style knows no age people, remember that. Girl: Sometimes an orgasm is more important than food. Galleria Garibaldi – The Cheetah Girls I think you’re heaps steezy Late Wednesday Night on Athletic Galleria is the textbook definition of diva. She Zenon Kar – Zenon: Girl of the Lexy Gold – Get a Clue We met eye to eye a few times , Dear Kevin ‘Molfeezy’, knows she’s the HBIC (google it, I dare you) and has ab- At the Grace Potter & The Nocturnals concert. And it would be easy, Girl: So you’re like official? Like facebook official? 21st Century Before LiLo went batshit cray, she made an appear- Guy: Yeah, we’re screwing and everything! solutely no qualms about strutting her stuff in her several Head to toe neon/metallic span- ance in this film as an Upper East Side betch hell bent on You stood next to my brother and I, For us to get sleazy, thousand cheetah print ensembles. Cheetah fur, chee- unearthing the reasons behind her teacher’s sudden disap- During Galactic and we looked at each other and smiled. Just like Ron Weasley dex? Asteroid-sized beehive buns? DC First Floor Lounge tah jeans, cheetah pleather—you name it, she worked it. Snagging the Earthling boy-toy while pearance. Whether she was clad in her skintight, leather As you moved closer to that stage, (because you’re also a ginger). Sure, people probably thought she was a tad over-the- spy-wear or vibrant, printed bellbottoms, Lexy Gold was I just couldn’t forget that smile. Boy 1: You know, like that guy who always wanders simultaneously donning both? Check. around campus and raps. top, but nothing ever came between her and her love of Although Zenon’s fashions never quite the reigning queen of tween fashion for all 83 minutes of I would look over to where you went, When: before Taylor Swift sold out style, and that, my friends, is something to be admired. that blockbuster film. I know I sure worshipped her fashion Only to see you looking back. Where: paddling the waters of my heart Boy 2: Yeah, Kornbread. caught on in this century, she certainly Boy 1: That can’t be his real name, right? demonstrates that as long as you have sense, I’m still ready for the patterned nylon pants come- God, I wish you go to UVM, I saw: a sexy durr the right attitude, your style will work back tour because of it. Otherwise this would be I am: D. Boy 2: Nah dude, I don’t think so. in your favor. A bit pointless. I also wish I got a name, Chad Danforth – High School Musical Your orange sweatshirt is the color of the flames in my Uheights South Hallway at 9am That hair! Those moves! Those witty, Or a number as this would Kelly Collins – Cadet Kelly Johnny Kapahala – Johnny Tsunami heart for you, Girl: No dad, how many times do i have to tell you, I am borderline-too-tight t-shirts! Say what Johnny wasn’t exactly stylish, per se Simpler to find you. Shockingly, the transition from art school to boot camp was not an easy one Hopefully you will see this, They burn like the fires of Mount Doom. not a prostitute and this is not a city. you want about HSM but Chad oozed (actually, he wasn’t stylish at all), but he cer- Let’s forge a new love together. swag. Case closed. for this free-spirited middle-schooler. Although Kelly is expected to conform to And we can track each other down, Farmer’s Market in Burlington the rigid military lifestyle, she opts to dress up her uniform with scarves and her tainly made a statement: when you’re super (One that hopefully won’t tear apart Middle Earth). chill and own that many Hawaiian shirts, ev- To get to know each other, Random Person: Every year we have a party, and it’s superiors with neon paint, adding a more fashionable flair to that hellhole. She g And see what goes from there. sleeveless with jorts. also learns to manhandle guns along the way, which is pretty badass. eryday is Casual Friday. YOLO. You are all on which my mind can focus, filling to the brim my world-1, When: During Galactic at the Grace Potter & The Noc- Bailey-Howe, First Floor Tables turnals Concert 9/15/12. But alas, you know not where to find me, Your princess is in another castle...and she’s a man. Bro 1: Dude, this is so cool! Where: Grand Point North Festival, near the stage. Bro 2: Yeah, like almost as cool as a blowjob. I saw: A cute good looking girl alone at a concert with a Bro 1: Yeah, that’s pretty cool. red backpack. When: Many moons ago, on a dark and stormy night. I am: A bit shy guy, who would like to get to know you. Where: The Crimson Crag Hall I am the one with hair, shorter, and had a black and grey I saw: A Man I Call Wheat Thins Downtown Burli over shirt on. I am: A Dungeon Master with +5 Dexterity Guy: ...he’s just going to pee on me all the time” Royal Tyler Theater Steps I found a best friend in you this summer Guy with fresh haircut: Yesterday, the woman giving me Your green pants, how they caught my eye Life was wild, fun, adventurous, insane a haircut told me I have the kind of hair she likes to grab. And I’m usually not such a shy guy, But you don’t like to flirt with deadlines Then she gave me a massage. But we shared glances and laughs while waiting in line And I didn’t want to cause you pain And maybe you felt the same vibes as me? My John Lennon glasses did belie Though we played around with being more UHeights Fourth Floor, Typical Afternoon How much I wanted to say “hi” We promised to always remain Guy 1: Yeah, it’s nice and quiet up here. All anyone wants by nikitaarias And I wanted your number, but didn’t try Friends until the end to do is study or play video games. by nikitaarias So here’s mine: No need to pretend You’ve been eating homemade Maple Dijon Sauce: 802-349-3593 grilled cheese sandwiches all your • 3 tbsp sour cream But you left me fend Vegan shmegan is the first thing ½ cup vegetable oil life, but its time to skill up to the next • 1/2 tbsp Dijon mustard Off the world on my own L&L that came to mind when I tried these ½ cup unsweetened applesauce When: Last Monday Wise L&L resident: Last year, the best night to do laundry level of your grilled cheese sandwich • 1/2 tbsp maple syrup Where: The Marche brownies. Their gooey chocolate de- 1 tsp vanilla extract making. That’s right, get “red onion • 1/4 tsp garlic powder Now you’re gone gone gone away was the night of the Skrillex concert. liciousness by no means taste like a ¾ cup vegan chocolate chips I saw: A girl as vibrant as her pants And I wish that you were near special” on your grilled cheese! Seri- I am: Intrigued with a Radiohead shirt healthier low fat alternative. This be- ¾ cup chopped walnuts (if you aren’t ously, who says you can’t make your Though the truth may vary ing said, eating the entire batch may allergic) own gourmet cheese sandwich in I miss you terribly my dear be hard to resist and chances are it’ll South Prospect, Near the Frat the comfort of your own home? This Gorgeous girl with long hair don’t care, Head Bro: dude, he just took 2 steps and faceplanted! happen. No, scratch that, it will hap- Instructions: sandwich will take you no more than Instructions: When: all summer long pen so accept its reality. This recipe 1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees You give me hot flashes and make me stop and stare, Where: all over the state Bros: “NOOOO” 20 minutes to make, a wait you and 1. Combine all ingredients for the Cover girl, model material, and that perfect smile, Head Bro: he was so fucked up! will take no more then 30 minutes to 2. Grease a 9×13 inch baking pan with your taste buds will agree is worth the sauce and set aside. I saw: a man with passion make so call over a friend, pour your- some vegetable oil. Why don’t you notice me and come hang out a while, I am: missing your presence Bros: “NOOOO” effort! Get fancy, pour yourself a cup 2. Spread 1 tbsp of sauce on one slice Henna tattoos and perfectly planned clothes, self a big glass of milk, aimlessly spend 3. In a bowl stir the flour, sugar, cocoa of that purple stuff and indulge your- of bread and top with sliced apples, hours on Netflix instant-watch trying powder, baking powder Why you so sessy, nobody knows, Cook Dining Hall, Late Afternoon self in a warm cheesy apple Panini . ham and cheese. Hindi Kate Middleton princess you can be my queen, Guy 1: Dude what is that sweater? (pointing out friend to find a movie worth watching and 4. Add almond milk to the dry mix- MMMMMM Apple Panini with Ma- 3. Brush the tops of each sandwich Dark hair, kind eyes, enter chocolate brownie heaven! ture. Add vegetable oil, applesauce Drop to one knee and present you a Ring Pop pristine, with ugly sweater) ple Dijon Sauce! with melted butter and sprinkle with Intelligent, down to Earth, and funny like All That, I’m drawn to you- Guy 2: It’s a cardigan...... educate yourself! and vanilla. salt and pepper. it’s no surprise. Ingredients: 5. Mix well until blended, and gener- Quit playing games with my heart, CPR it stat, 4. Place sandwiches butter side down You’ve got the game on lock and the odds are in your We’re supposed to be studying Theories of Space, Saturday, Grundle 2 cups all-purpose flour ously add the walnuts and chocolate Ingredients: on hot grill pan or panini press and but I just can’t help staring at your face. Bro 1: So what do you want to do tonight? 2 cups sugar * chips. favor, • 2 slices good quality bread press those bad boys! Felicity style crush, every moment with you I’ll savor, Plus you look like Gendry from Game of Thrones, Bro 2: I don’t know man...maybe just hang out. ¾ cup unsweetened cocoa powder 6. Spread onto the pan and bake for 25 • 1/2 apple, thinly sliced 5. Cook until both sides are golden which makes me REALLY wanna jump your bones. Bro 1: I can’t do that! I did that last night! 1 tsp baking powder or 30 minutes. As long as you love me it’s all I’ll ever need, • 3 slices of cheddar brown and you start to see cheesy I wear my heart on my sleeve for only you to read, Let me be the Arya to your Bull, 1 tsp salt 7. Let it cool for 15 minutes and enjoy! • 4 slices deli ham melting deliciousness. g and I assure you my heart will be more than full. 1 cup almond milk g • 1 tbsp melted butter When: Activities Fest • salt and pepper Where: DC walkway When: M/W I saw: a henna tattooing goddess Where: Lafayette 200 I am: a preppy demi-god blogger I saw: The dreamy boy sitting in the corner I am: Smitten with kerrymartin [For last week’s Mashup article, artist Tenzin Chophel drew two separate pieces of artwork to visually express the aural sensation of listening to a mashup. Sadly, tragically sadly, we could only print one of those. However, so that you may experience the same amount of joy Stretch out those hip-hop hamstrings, that we have from his art, we are proud to present the other piece from last week. We give UVemcees, because it’s time to bring you Sexy Mozart. (Eds.)] your rhyme-slingin’ back to the water Week 3: tower. When you work hard and play tenzin chophel Song #3: Train, Drive By hard all week long, nothing puts your by dylanmccarthy mind at ease better than lyric therapy. by katjaritchie This week, we emancipate from Parents’ Weekend. Well, now we’re really scraping the est, the first time I heard this song I had no The old key always made my hands bottom of the barrel. Train has been cir- idea it was Train. I could’ve sworn it was smell like vinegar, if they were sweaty culating the airwaves for the better part a crossover with a pop-country singer and while I was holding it. There’s only cracked by sierramakaris It’s been over a month in our academic year of our lives, and for the most part they’ve one of your dime-a-dozen bland R&B acts. plaster left now, only scuffed floorboards dealt out some innocuous, but consistently “Drive By” seems like a 2nd grader who We’ve took a couple tests & we’ve drank a lot of beer and old linoleum that were tired when you She watches men fall apart in her But what the fuck, you say my parents are coming? solid post-grunge radio rock. However, just learned what rhyming was minutes got there and will be still now that you’ve hands and her sex from 2009 on Train has released a con- before wrote it, but no, lead singer/song- Just the mere thought has my mindset bumming. left. There’s only the dust in the corners puts them back together Endless nagging about the state of my room. stant stream of ear poison. Much like Gym writer Pat Monahan is just as involved with which is the new tenant’s job now, and but only for a moment: Class Heroes, Train has fallen from grace its composition as “Meet Virginia”. There’s “Have you made your bed? Do you own a broom?” four square faded spots in the carpet from only until the bucks and moans Awww Mom, you don’t gotta blow a fuse! in a pretty tragic manner. In order to un- no real emotion here, there’s certainly no the legs on the big leather couch and the have shaken them loose again. derstand just what makes “Drive By” so de- creativity, just the yawn and eye roll when I know you’ve missed me but I ain’t a recluse. dent in the wall which, without me, you She rocks them to sleep with hands Let’s get that grub, straight up Church St. lovin’ plorable, one must look at what made early Monahan wails “OH I SWEAR TO YOU!/ would have had to pay for. You made it like lace that might as well be steel Train so listenable. I’LL BE THERE FOR YOU!/ THIS IS NOT Sweet Watah, Three Tomatah, Ri Ra Irish pubbin’ a million years ago while you were first and fondles her dirty pearls when Phat meal, what a steal, not paying, that’s the deal. The first thing that comes to mind is A DRIVE BY-I-I-I-IIII!” Blegh, he straight bringing the table inside. I called while they drop off, the quality of their lyrics. While Train nev- up rhymed “you” with “you”! Not to men- Stock the fridge, just a midge, you know this love is real. you weren’t looking and said the people waiting to hear them beg. Family time has inspired this rhyme er broke any new ground with their music, tion other cringe worthy nonsensical word- moving out fucked up the walls. The hun- they were able to spin some surprisingly play like “On the other side of a downward What at first I dreaded now I’m inclined, dred-dollar dent has paint in the middle “Don’t leave, don’t leave”; their murmurs To call Mom and Pops, “Ayo Whatsup? clever and deep yarns. A perfect example spiral/ My love for you went viral.” What in from the corner of your fucking table. set the cadence of the night, deliver is their first commercially successful single, the world were they thinking? October 5th’s Parents’ Weekend, do you wanna come up?” You never liked me as much as your control straight to her lacy hands, by rhythmic revolutionary LL Cool G 1999’s “Meet Virginia.” This lovesick pow- It’s almost as if their ’09 effortSave Me, mother did; I smile to myself and be- and she smiles: Forever is her erballad was a heavy hitter for all the right San Francisco was a test to see how much come defiant at the hazardous fireplace favorite word. Full of inflated reasons, a powerful but anticipated chorus they could water down their lyrics, and still that got lit up anyway, the tiny splatters nothing. Pregnant with hot air. I just left you people! Why have you returned? with beautiful lines like “She only drinks appeal to a mass audience. Surely, a song you never noticed above the kitchen sink A word that without the weight All your lessons were learned so my freedom was earned coffee at midnight/ But the moment is not hinging upon the lyrics “Hey soul sister/ (“probably because I made them” I think, of lust might float away, her I’m still your child? Now the tables have turned, right/ And the time is quite/unusualll” pep- Ain’t that mister mister/ On the radio, ste- bitterly, instantly), and mostly the chip hard-earned pearls on the wing. I’ll pregame our dinner, try to act unconcerned. pered here and there. “Meet Virginia” made reo/ the way you move ain’t fair you” could gone from the baseboard from when you Your dear boy is gone, after a prolonged “so long” Train seem like something just a bit deeper never be successful? Oh, that track is certi- hauled yourself out of here so fast you “I don’t usually kiss,” she tells He’s only had a few weeks to play pong and rip bong than your average light rock band, and fied quintuple platinum by the RIAA, nev- half-dropped the armchair I always hated. each one, “but for you, I make an Be gone! Your baby girl wore thongs all along that’s all they needed to carve out a niche ermind. What happened Train? Where did I think for a second that that one instant exception.” g If you try righting my wrongs, I couldn’t write this song. market in the early 2K radio scene. the subtle genius of interplanetary ballads of grief with that shitty chair is the best Give up your attempts to remain a watchdog Flash forward to present day Train and like “Drops of Jupiter” go? Well, there’s al- You cover tuition, we’ll buy the top-notch grog g fuck-you I could have given. I think in the things are very, very different. To be hon- ways their inevitable follow up album… next second that the best one you could You can’t control where your son sticks his crotch log have given me is that even years from Especially when the booze makes him a certified scotch hog. now, from time to time I’ll probably still Your scruples are futile, my abuses are brutal. wonder why my hands aren’t smelling like Cuz I’ve quadrupled the use of my noodle most crucial. vinegar. g by undeveloped underclassman Kerry Martin Week 3: Album #3: Fiona Apple, The Idler Wheel... Next week, we drive cars through Fast Food. The week after, we protest Columbus Day. Send your raps for either week to by dylanmccarthy [email protected] with the subject “My flow is too grimy, Ganges River” or something to that effect. Best Fiona Apple has been in hiding for spike up and down in volume and force, rapper of the semester wins a $25 gift card to Boloco!g quite some time now, but boy was it worth up until the gentle and psychotic closing the wait. Apple’s first album in seven years, lines “I just want to be everything/ I just The Idler Wheel is Wiser Than the Driver of want to be everything”. Even though “Ev- the Screw and Whipping Cords Will Serve ery Single Night” is the first track and lead social networking You More Than Ropes Will Ever Do is one single, don’t be fooled--it isn’t a “traditional of the finest pop albums of the millennia single”. There are no “singles” here, no song by joshhegarty and laurafrangipane thus far. In spite of the mouthful of a title, where Fiona sat down and knew she was The Idler Wheel… is Apple’s most acces- going to send this to a radio station; each sible effort yet, all track is surging with We are homeless. Sam’s got this phone and splits the money with me. She lets me old men, bastards, queers, cracks, and per- most of the grid of this city, looking for while maintaining effort and creativity and is always instagramming and twid- take the winning side. She’s cute; got a dim- verts that call the street home. A few days Mabel. Sam says her phone’s gonna ring or the baroque pop el- “Her vocals spike up and showcasing Apple’s dling with what’s in front of her. It’s cracked ple, freckles that tap out constellations, and later, just when I was thinking I ought to beep or whatever, real soon. I don’t believe ements that made epic contralto range, and she picks up free Wi-Fi, steals WPA a sideways punk crop. She’s almost made get moving, she came back to our corner her but I smile thinking about it. Soon as I Apple so delicious down in volume and begging repeated access codes. New cities bring new Wi-Fi to be homeless, can sweet talk anyone into wearing the same clothes she left in. All her find that cat, I want to get out of here, hit in the 90’s. The Idler force, up until the gentle listens. networks with old names: plays on loca- anything and out of anything. Reminds me stuff was gone and she had a black eye. She New Orleans. Wheel… plays out as You can feel tion, jumbled defaulted LINKSYS, BIG of my Mammy. didn’t say anything. I didn’t ask. It’s getting real late, too dark to pick an artist slowly los- and psychotic closing Apple’s larynx strain BOOTY or YOUR MAMA jokes, and lines We got this Sam’s got pic- out grey fur on grey streets. I find Sam and ing her mind, rather lines“ on “Daredevil” as from primetime TV shows we watched in cat. Or, had this “i kept asking about tures of Mabel on her we tuck into an alley where it looks safe than just another pop she laments “Seek the before. cat, Mabel. She ran phone, and we start to sleep. Sam snaps a picture of me with album. For the unin- me out!/ Look at, Sam and I’ve been traveling together a off while me and her along the network holding up the LCD that dumb ass phone and I swear I want to dicted, Apple is a singer akin to Cat Power, look at, look at me!/ I’m all the fishes in the while. Most of the time since I left home. Sam were arguing. screen to strang- punch her. I can’t keep connected to people Feist, Suzanne Vega, or Tori Amos who hit sea!” and hear her peaceful side on “Valen- You can’t say I even left. More like, I be- Hasn’t come back of punks, dirty old men, ers; “Have you seen who I know don’t give a shit about me; I it big with her ’96 debut album Tidal. While tine”. Yet, there’s always a feeling of unease came homeless. After Mammy died, there like usual. I liked bastards, queers, cracks, our cat?” rather than don’t want my life plastered about the invis- Apple is certainly comparable to the above permeating the tracks. The whimsical psy- just wasn’t a home to go back to. Just a having her around. “Spare a dollar?” She ible tangle of the web. I ask her, “When do artists, she outclasses them in almost ev- chosis on “Jonathan” and “Left Alone” adds house, piled up with debts nobody could When she’s gotta and perverts that call the posts the picture on you want to head south?” But she doesn’t eryway (except maybe Tori Amos, maybe). an extra eerie punch to lines like “You’d pay and strangers that wanted to take me eat, I make sure we street home“ Facebook, Twitter, answer. She’s gotten comfy here. Too com- Lead single “Every Single Night” starts like to captain a capsized ship/ But I like away, tag me, put me in their network, and have food. When Instagram, whatever fy. She wants to be part of the scenery, the off the album with a little bit of nursery watching you live,” and “I don’t cry when raise me like new parents would just make she purrs, I smile. networks she’s in. network, connected. Don’t she know that’s reminiscent piano chords: hell its innocent I’m sad anymore, no no/ Tears calcify in my me forget the life before. That’s when I left When she cries, Sam’s got hundreds what I’m trying to avoid? I think maybe, enough to fool one into thinking the track is tummy/ Fears go inside of my toe”. Overall, that podunk town behind for good and ran I remember how. Sam never much liked of people in her phone. Some of them are I might head out without her for once, going to be ordinary, but once Apple comes each playthrough of the album has left a into Sam. Been on the street with her since. Mabel. “Another mouth that don’t help us,” probably dead now, but she tells them all whether I find Mabel or not. If I don’t, in singing “Every single night/ I endure different impression on me, and each time Sam will dumpster dive at closing baker- she says. But she helps me look for Mabel about Mabel. I tell her that’s no way to find there’s no telling how much ies or get her hands on expired goods and anyway. a cat and we split the streets searching. more of me will be pixelated on the flight/ Of little wings of white-flamed/ I’ve found something new to enjoy. I just g Butterflies in my brain”, its obvious this is hope we don’t have to wait another 7 years we make money by busking. She comes up Sam disappeared once. In Atlantic The lake here is beautiful, pink sunsets her screen, on the street. no “twinkle twinkle little star.” Her vocals for another album. g with polls: “Which is the most generous City. She was gone a few days. I kept asking and blue-eyed water. But staying too long gender?” “Which are better, cats or dogs?” about her along the network of punks, dirty in one place makes me sad. I’ve memorized with collincappelle

Even Gordon Shed a Tear In Its Beauty

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by lauragreenwood

-You make my heart heavier then the Waterman Doors.

-Bailey is asking Howe one could love another this much. -I can take you to all U Heights. -I’m gonna ride you like the Drunk Bus. It’ll be loud, intoxicating, and all night long. -It takes a lot of Willis to not Buckham you Chittenden- less right now. -You can take a ride on my longboard anytime. -Don’t give me no Mercy, let’s have a Holy Trinity -Let me put my Front Five in your Back Five The Math Dept. Smokes Chalk

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