Poorest Students Will Get £9000 to Live on •Bursaries Could Become Top-Up

Issue 589, 21 Nov 2003 THE INDEPENDENT CAMBRIDGE STUDENT NEWSPAPER www.varsity.co.uk

INTERVIEW NEW CROSSWORD STYLE Michael Moore: Pit your wits against Varsity’s new The Mods the only interview he cryptic puzzler come to gave in Cambridge town PAGE 12 LISTINGS BACK PAGE PAGE 14 Money, money, money •Poorest students will get £9,000 to live on •Bursaries could become top-up smokescreen •Ben Brinded denounces scheme as “gimmick” being used by the Government to Brian Little sweeten the bitter pill of top-up fees. Varsity has learned that the There will be a bitter aftertaste. University is planning to “While we are thrilled by the idea announce a new system of bur- of bursaries they are completely sep- saries that could transform arate from top-up fees. The access to Cambridge and give the Government have the University over poorest students £4,000 a year. a barrel. The University needs mon- However, CUSU President Ben ey for access and education but why Brinded fears the scheme may be should it come from fees?” used as a “headline-grabbing The extra costs for the scheme will gimmick”to justify top-up fees. be £7.9m per annum and be funded The proposals will quadruple the by about a third of the revenue from support given by the University to the top-up fees. For every pound the least well-off. Those whose parents University gives out in new bursaries earn less than £15,200 a year will get the Government will take three £4,000 in addition to a £1,000 grant pounds in fees. Brinded commented, from the Government. They will also “This is a good scheme for mainte- be eligible for a £4,000 student loan to nance of students whilst they are at be repayed after graduation, bringing University- but that is all. Students still the total to £9,000. Cambridge living have to pay up afterwards.” costs are estimated at £5,800. Brinded is especially wary of the However, it is notable that the dangers for “the student in the mid- University is planning to announce dle”. The bursary scheme would pro- their proposals to coincide with the vide full support for 955 current stu- Queen’s speech. The speech is set to dents but “official figures from the announce legislation to introduce top- DfES show these proposals could still up fees. Apparently, although mem- cause a ‘poverty trap’ for more than bers of University Council have la- 2,000 students whose parents earn be- belled Government proposals to water tween £15,000 and £30,000.” down the principle of free education He continues, “Top-up fees cause as “distinctly unaromatic”, they are many problems. These bursaries only

alters scared to turn their noses up at the of- cover up the most ugly of them. They fer of more cash. only act as a sticking plaster when a om W

T Brinded argues “The University are vaccine is needed.”

“I introduced Mr Fluffy to the entire floor” “Its exact location remains a mystery” Tim Stanley on why booze is better than drugs PAGE 06 Rebecca Heselton on Loch Torridon PAGE 11

The region’s best guide to what’s on – see next Thursday’s Cambridge Evening News NEWS EDITORS: BENJAMIN BLAND, JONATHAN WOOD, LAURA-JANE FOLEY 02 Nov 21, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk

What’s inside... News pg2 So you think you’re tolerant? Cardboard porters, jet set aca- demics, students take on Bush Benjamin Bland Most Cambridge students consid- er themselves open-minded and Comment pg6 liberal, but a survey has revealed

Justifying positive discrimina- that two-thirds of LBGT students Grace Ofori-Attah tion in Cambridge have encountered homophobia. ‘Attitudes to Sexuality’, an online Features pg7 survey carried out by CUSU’s LesBiGay Campaign, received 1500 Internet addiction and eBay responses, of which over 1000 were widows from straight students. Although over half of LBGT re- Editorial pg8 spondents said that they did not feel George W. Bush and how that the University is homophobic, a lucky we are similar number of non-LBGT re- spondents indicated that they had Where Now pg10 witnessed abuse based on sexual ori- entation. Only 30% of gay students Women’s colleges- do they were able to say that they had never LBGT survey shows Cambridge is more tolerant than you might think need men? encountered any homophobic abuse. only a quarter of LBGT students feel to wider issues, and it was here that lief, with 1 in 4 describing themselves According to Campaigns Officer, that they go out on the ‘scene’. the greatest disparity between gay as Christians. Of those that consider Travel pg11 Tom Clarke, the purpose of the sur- Nonetheless, the first LesBiGay and non-gay responses was evident. themselves religious, three-quarters Scotland special- reindeer and vey was “to find out what issues af- ‘Unique’ club night this term saw Nearly four-fifths of LBGT students do not perceive any conflict between the Edinburgh seaside fect the non-straight community and some 500 students turn up to Life. This said that gay couples should be al- their beliefs and their sexuality. to foster a greater awareness amongst contrasts sharply with universities, lowed to adopt, whereas this view Full results from the survey will Interview pg12 the straight community”. such as Bristol whose first LBGT scene was supported by less than half of be posted online soon at www- While the survey indicates thatin event of the term, organised jointly straight people. lbg.cusu.cam.ac.uk. with Bush’s nemisis Mchael terms of social events, CUSU is cater- with UWE, drew a crowd of only 50. Half of the LBGT students sur- Additional reporting by Katie Moore ing well for the LBGT community, The survey also gauged attitudes veyed have some form of religious be- Boswell and Tom Ready Listings pull out Your four page guide to what’s on this week Union scandal: Mak the knifed The Ordinary pg13 Union president Will Gallagher Cambridge University Conservative accused of being corrupt, can the Jonathan Wood Protests against inhumane stu- said, “ I don’t think you forge an in- Association two years ago. Union ever get it right?” dent testing The Ents Officer of the Cambridge voice by mistake, there is no place Mak claims the invoice was an “in- There have also been claims that Union resigned this week and was for corruption in the Union.” He nocent mistake” which he believed the Union’s returning officers have act- Fashion pg14 forced to pull out of a presidential added that it is possible this is not was correct procedure as he was ed unconstitutionally, failing to an- campaign amid claims of financial the end of the matter, “We are going “rushed” and that “because there was nounce the names of candidates in this We love mods misconduct.A vote of no confidence back and looking at all the expenses; a political element… because I was the term’s election and circulate mani- was passed by eight votes to one by there are still issues to be resolved.” leading presidential candidate… it festos. If true this is in breach of a con- the Union’s standing committee in Mak had been a presidential candidate was the excuse to get me out … Will stitution that was adopted last term to Arts pg15 Alan Mak after he was accused of in the elections held on Wednesday Gallagher never liked me”. Believing guard against corruption. Inside the marcabre mind of filing a false invoice. Mak strong- but his bid was declared ineligible. the allegations to be an attempt to dis- The director of the speed-dating Cameron Jamie ly denies the claim saying it was an Mak was also accused of attempt- credit him as a candidate, he claimed company has issued a statement say- “innocent mistake”and believes it ing to bribe Union members to vote that “they didn’t want me to get any- ing, “I think he [Mak] is someone Music pg16 was used as an excuse to stop him for him in an MSN Messenger con- where near the ballot box”, “they of good and honest character and I running for president. versation. Mak denies the claim, say- know that if I was allowed to stand, I do not feel that there was any wilful Interview with human beatbox Mak has presided over a success- ing he believed he was talking to a would have won”. attempt on Alan’s part to mislead or Killa Kella ful term of ents but it was a speed-dat- friend when in fact it was someone on Gallagher said that claims this was defraud the Cambridge Union”. ing event held at the Union that led to his presidential rival’s slate, “it was a all an attempt to ensure Mak didn’t Mak is determined to fight the alle- Visual Arts pg17 claims of a conflict of interests and sham designed to frame me.” win were ridiculous and that it “goes gations or otherwise he’ll be “tar- The new enfant terrible of fraud. Mak submitted an allegedly Gallagher himself was embroiled in against everything I’ve said and done nished forever”, claiming he would British Art Grayson Perry self-penned invoice asking for £100 to an alleged vote-buying scandal when as president. If when we try to act “go to the proctors, or whoever it be paid by the Union to himself. running for chairman of CUCA, the against corruption we are ourselves takes, to clear my name”. Literature pg19 TOP 5 UNION SCANDALS What Cambridge is reading Alex Mair

Theatre pg20 Freshers play, Perrier nomi- nee comeback

Got a story? Email [email protected] or ring 01223 337575 if you have a story or meet us in The Bath House (hogshead) in Bene’t Streeton Sunday at 7pm

Visit our newly redesigned website at www.varsity.co.uk Fashion pg14 We love mods EDITORS: BENJAMIN BLAND, JONATHAN WOOD AND LAURA-JANE FOLEY NEWS www.varsity.co.uk Nov 21, 2003 03 Fitz ‘Porta-Porters’ Pavla Kopecna Laura-Jane Foley This suggestion was criticised from students’ rooms. by a Senior College Officer who One student said that “had the As Fitzwilliam students ex- said “I have concern over installing Porters Lodge never been moved, pressed their concerns this a cardboard cut out. Although this and been staffed, there is a large week at the “crime epidemic” will make the Lodge appear occu- chance that this theft would not sweeping the college the Dean, pied, it might also cause individu- have taken place”. Barry Landy, suggested card- als trying to gain access to become Barry Landy suggested that the board cut-out porters should be extremely frustrated by the fact thefts were not that unusual, telling drafted in to deal with the grow- they feel that sombody present is one student that “in other years ing problem. ignoring them”. there has been noticeably more Students are unhappy at the lack The security problems arose this thefts in the first part of the first of security at the College’s term when the Porter’s Lodge was term, presumably because Huntingdon Road entrance. moved to Storey’s Way close to a strangers are less easily recog- Although it is the main means of new accommodation block built nised”. access to the College, the Porter’s over the summer. Ed Shattock told Varsity that de- Lodge through which visitors pre- It was decided that the Porter’s spite access to the Huntingdon viously had to walk has been re-lo- Lodge should be near to this new Road entrance being restricted to cated to the back of the College. building but as outgoing JCR those with swipe cards, there was Barry Landy controversially President Ed Shattock explained, no-one to stop people coming in suggested that students’ fears “there is no security at the front which was meaning that students could be allayed by having a “card- of college. Everybody still comes didn’t feel safe. board porter” sitting behind an un- up Castle Hill and there are no He said “having the principal manned porter’s desk. Porters there”. entrance to College unmanned Since the removal of the Porters makes us more vulnerable to from the front of college there has crime”. It was this student anxiety been an increased incidence of tres- and worry that led 200 members of passers in college premises which the JCR to unanimously pass a mo- students feel is due to the lack of a tion “in favour of double manning” deterant at the front of the college. meaning both Porter’s Lodges “On ten different occasions peo- would be staffed. ple had to be removed from the col- Shattock explained that “this lege – mostly 17 year old boys would substantially increase the messing about, even using the pool security of the college, and create table in our JCR”, one Fitz student a safer environment for Fitz stu- Switched On told Varsity. dents.”

s On top of this there has been an The Bursar has since agreed to a increase in theft at the college. Porter being on duty from 4pm to The geese are getting fat and lords are almost ready to begin leaping. The big day is Since term began eight bikes have 2am on weekdays but this didn’t just over a month away.Last Sunday Cambridge’s Christmas lights were switched on been stolen from the supposedly please Shattock: “what about after by the Tin Man from the Corn Exchange’s pantomime. secure bike-park in front of the un- 2 am and what about weekends? The lights also marked the beginning of Cambridge’s first Food and Drink Festival, manned Porter’s Lodge and a lap- These are the times when we need a series of gourmet food sampling, wine tasting, talks and presentations. See www.graf-

The Knights of Christ’ top and a wallet have been taken Porters most”. fixation.co.uk/foodfest/about.html for details. Tom Cahill ‘Don Air’ is the future of Oxbridge travel

Amol Rajan used by both university staff and for their intellectually-charged at- [any] new lines travelling West of turn fares costing £9.90. Students can local businesses.” mosphere; many a former student Cambridge”. Travellers are forced travel for only £7.90. Academics frustrated by the Travel between the cities has has recalled listening to eminent to travel via London, an expensive A Stagecoach spokesman Oxford-Cambridge journey time been difficult since the famous scholars argue with each other en- and time-consuming method, or claimed that their cheap fare was may soon be flying ‘Don-Air’. A Varsity train line was scrapped in route to conferences or debates. frustratingly take to the roads. very attractive for everyone, say- new charter jet route is being the 1960’s. It had been for many However despite calls from aca- Stagecoach’s non-direct X5 route ing, “the popularity of the X5 will supported by academics as the years the most popular method of demics and others to reinstate the takes 3 hours, and departs hourly. It continue so long as students travel only viable means of avoiding travel for dons flitting to and fro be- line a WAGN spokesman told Varsity goes through, among others, Milton along its route”. the infamously slow road jour- tween the two cities. that “no plans were underfoot” to Keynes, Bedford, and Buckingham. The service is generally reliable. ney from Cambridge to Oxford. Train journey’s were notorious address the issue, or indeed to “build Tickets are relatively cheap, with re- However, between Oxford and The new route – dubbed ‘Don- Cambridge lies one of the busiest Air’ – would shred the journey stretches of Britain’s busiest road. times from the current 3 hours Journeys are invariably slowed to around 20 minutes. down by traffic on the M25. The flights would be on char- Car journeys obviously face the tered jets containing between 4 and same problems. Though the two 8 seats. Tourists and members of the cities are just 65 miles apart, 118 public would also have access to miles of jammed roads need to be the new ‘airline’. negotiated by motorists travelling Many dons who work in both between them. cities are finding their research pro- The proposed flights would be grammes inhibited by the current run between Oxford’s airport and journey times between the cities. airfields in the Cambridge area, in- Oxford dons have been pressing cluding Duxford. managers of Oxford’s airport to Travellers would pay between push for the service. £100 and £150 for the privilege. But Meanwhile, a spokeswoman for what a privilege it would be. The e

Cambridge University comment- ar day when Varsity readers have cof- ed, “I am sure that [the service] fee and mini-supervisions at

would prove popular… It would be Kate W 30,000ft may not be so far away… NEWS EDITORS: BENJAMIN BLAND, JONATHAN WOOD, LAURA-JANE FOLEY AND BRIAN LITTLE 04 Nov 21, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk NEWS IN BRIEF Rowing lake will save Cam Vas debates at Union County Council has agreed in princi- cessible to anyone, from light recre- will meet the requirements for in- Rachel Millar and Chris Adams ple to the lease around 150 acres of ational users to those competing at ternational races and only minor ad- Cambridge Rowing Lake, a two- council owned farmland. the highest levels. justments would be required for it to Our “Save Gardies” campaign mile long training lake with an Ian Stewart, County Council “Cambridge is the busiest rowing be raised to Olympic standard.” will be taken to the Chamber international-standard competi- Chief Executive described it as “a centre in the UK, if not Europe, but The Trust, a charity whose aims are of the Cambridge Union next tion course and state-of-the-art hugely exciting project that will pro- there simply isn’t enough space on to promote the teaching of rowing and week when the main teaching facilities, is to be built vide a real boost for local people who the rivers to accommodate every- similar sports to the wider communi- Thursday debate will be ‘This on Cambridge’s outskirts. The will be able to use both the rowing body,” said Michael Garroway, of the ty, is the main operator of the project. House would Save Gardies’. unique new rowing lake looks set lake and country park”. Cambridge Rowing Trust. “This is a Plans for the new Lake were first Vas Anastasiou, the owner of to improve facilities in Cambridge The rowing lake, expected to cost major step forward, although there drawn up in 1992 and, with the help Gardies, is expected to be the and relieve the pressure on the over £15million, is intended to be ac- is much still to be done…The lake of donors, went into the first planning star speaker. In addition you congested river Cam. stages last year. can now download ‘ ‘Save The project has been billed as the Many users of the Cam claim it is Gardies’ phone wallpaper from country’s largest purpose-built sport- severely overcrowded and dangerous, our fellow campaigner ing facility and ‘one of the world’s limiting sports development and train- yotones.com by clicking on the most sought-after rowing venues’. It ing severely. A quick glance at the link at our website – has just completed its third phase of University’s boat club online message varsity.co.uk. The tasteful construction with one of the UK’s boards reveals a plethora of tales of designs are available in both largest ever archaeological digs, giv- overcrowded waters, accidents and logo and picture form. ing the area the all-clear for the main general river carnage. development to begin. Similar projects are a common fea- King’s Support It will be linked directly to the ture in Europe, but such facilities are River Cam upon its completion in far less accessible here in the UK. 2009, giving crews from the 50 exist- Cambridge Rowing Trust hopes to At a well-attended JCR Open ing boat clubs already based on the carefully examine the most successful Meeting at St. John’s College on Cam year-round access to top-class lakes from across the world and bring Sunday a motion regarding rents training facilities. Cambridgeshire their best features to Cambridge. was passed which expressed the JCR’s support for the King’s rent strike. This motion also man- dates the JCRC to approach the bursary in advance of the usual Drug-assisted rape in Cambridge rent negotiations and take when they approached the teenag- Wilson said. hair and silver coloured glasses. appropriate action based on the Brian Little er inside the club. “She was left confused and dis- The incident comes after two bursars’ response. After at least two suspected in- He said the girl had danced with orientated and still has difficulty other suspected incidents of drink cidents of the use of the date her attacker - who may be known recalling the incident in full”. spiking in Cambridge this term, Phab Cambridge rape drug Rohypnol on students, by the nickname of “Super” - be- The police believe that some of both of them involving University a teenager has been raped after fore leaving the club at some time the people who were out on Friday students rather than Cambridge being drugged during a night out between 10.30pm on the Friday 7th November may be able to iden- residents. The first occurred at a A PHAB (Physically in Cambridge. and 12.30am on Saturday. tify the man who is described as Caius college ent held during fresh- Handicapped and Able Bodied) The 16-year-old girl told The girl can remember walking black, about 5 ft 8 in tall with a thin ers week where two girls experi- club that promotes social inter- Cambridgeshire Police that after over Victoria Bridge onto Mitchams to medium build and a shaved enced symptoms consistent with action between people with leaving Po Na Na nightclub she Corner and before going into white head. He was wearing a dark green the ‘date rape’ drug Rohypnol. The and without disabilities, is visit- was offered a drink by a man she terraced house where she says she jumper and baggy trousers. second occurred in Ballare when a ing Queen’s College, Cambridge had met in the venue, then taken to was raped. One of the other men who ap- student experienced similar symp- th on 25 November. Fifty people a house and raped. “Unfortunately she has no idea proached the girl in the nightclub toms. In both cases the students who live around Cambridge Detective Sergeant Chris Wilson what time it was and does not re- was described as white, about six were looked after by friends and will get the chance to interact said the man was with two friends member how she got home,” Mr feet tall and had a thin build, spiky came to no harm. with college members and dine in one of Cambridge’s most his- toric colleges. Newnham offers referendum on men Competition Winners after they voted to maintain their sin- world… Women’s colleges now be- academic environment tailored to the Amol Rajan and Richard Allen The winner of the Fresh as gle-sex status. long to a past era”. specific educational needs of women”. Snow ball tickets are Katy As the Women’s Union celebrates The vote in March at Oxford’s last Jo Read, CUSU women’s officer, be- Whether this argument will sway Anstis, of Kings; Tania Wood, of the success of its Purple Ribbon remaining all-female college, saw lieves strongly in the continued need Newnham opinion remains to be seen Pembroke; Alana Finlayan, of Campaign to save Oxbridge’s the motion to admit male undergrad- for women’s colleges cliaming ‘they Additional reporting by Laura- Caius, Bharvin Vakani of Cats woman only colleges, students at uates fail to secure the necessary two- have the crucial role of providing an Jane Foley and Rob Paton of Trinity Hall. Newnham have called for a refer- thirds majority in the college’s gov- To collect your prize please e- endum on whether men should be erning council to exact change. mail [email protected] admitted to their college. St. Hilda’s was forced to hold the In a letter to Varsity this week vote in response to a funding crisis pre- Newnham JCR President Rebecca cipitated by sex discrimination legis- Correction Collins answered calls for a referen- lation that allows colleges to advertise dum, “I’m sure the JCR would be hap- for women-only posts but bans uni- In last weeks article (King’s py to offer a referendum on student versities from funding them. still in crisis) it was said that opinion on this topic”. When pressed The 57% of the Hilda’s students the motion passed authorising on the issue though she said that stu- who supported segregation, feared the rent strike had been dents would have to “go through the the loss of a “supportive, tolerant, re- declared unconstitutional. In proper channels” and whether it took spectful atmosphere with an amaz- fact it was only the aspects of place or not would “be decided by the ingly eclectic mix of people”. the motion not relating to the JCR committee”. At Newnham however, calls for a rent strike that were declared This is an embarrassing situation “balanced social atmosphere” and a unconstitutional not the motion for Cambridge. CUSU is currently belief in the irrelevance of the found- as a whole. The error occurred campaigning to help keep St. Hilda’s ing aims of Newnham lie behind the due to incorrect information College Oxford an all female college. move. An anonymous Newnhamite being supplied to Varsity. St. Hilda’s faces the propect of a sec- wrote; “the college was founded to ond referendum, only seven months promote female education in a man’s EDITOR:BENJAMIN BLAND, JONATHAN WOOD, LAURA-JANE FOLEY NEWS www.varsity.co.uk Nov 21, 2003 05 Bush whacked Queen in the US ambassador’s res- in Trafalgar Square to loud ap- Neil Laurenson and Jonathan Wood idence, in a more low-key day com- plause. Mexican waves, sit-ins, and Cambridge students were pared to Wednesday’s formalities, chants from “1,2,3,4, Tony Blair is among the thousands of protes- forty-one gun salute and state ban- Bush’s whore” to “Tony, Tony, Tony, tors who took to the streets of quet. The White House’s security out, out, out”, all featured promi- London on Thursday to voice requests that were rejected by nently in the demonstration in the their opposition to US President Buckingham Palace had apparent- square as speakers addressed the George Bush during his contro- ly included the closure of the ‘tube’ crowds. Music and a carnival at- versial state visit to Britain. network, the shipping in of battle- mosphere in Trafalgar Square greet- The protest’s organisers, the field weaponry and the use of US ed protestors with bands playing Stop the War Coalition, estimated air force jets and helicopters. along the way and the police gen- that numbers topped over 200,000 The march started along the erally quite friendly. protestors from across the UK; the three-mile route around two thirty Some of the more colourful pro- police put the figure closer to yesterday afternoon, apparently testors included Abraham Lincoln 70,000. It was claimed that yester- slightly delayed as the police had walking around on stilts, would- day’s demonstration was the underestimated the number of pro- be Guantanamo Bay prisoners in largest weekday march London testors, in Malet Street in orange jump suits playing a foot- had ever seen. The police were out Bloomsbury and passed parliament ball match on the embankment and in force to ensure the proceedings and Downing Street before finish- a white coffin being marched along went ahead smoothly with over ing in Trafalgar Square. Extra se- with ‘Justice’ written on the side. 5,000 were marshalling the protest. curity was laid on around Downing Police had been worried that as By last night there had been over Street as protestors, booed, jeered many as 1,000 European anarchists fifty arrests of protestors. All police and hurled insults at George Bush could turn up with the express in- leave in the capital has been can- as they passed. There was major tention of creating disruption. The celled for the duration of Bush’s vis- disruption to the centre of London threats never materialised. it, one in nine police officers will ap- with widespread road closures In reference to the protests, Secrets of the Iron Lady parently be protecting George Bush around the route as the protestors George Bush had previously spo- during his state visit, with The approached. ken of his enthusiasm for free Margaret Thatcher’s exercise books, her father’s sermon notes, and the only Independent calculating the cost at The protest reached its peak speech. Howvever, a press con- remaining copy of the Tory Party’s 1978 draft manifesto have been opened up to the public. Churchill College Archives released these along with hundreds of at least £7m. with scenes reminiscent of the top- ference yesterday was dominated other previously unavailable documents on Monday. They reveal that early on Bush himself carried on with his pling of Saddam Hussein’s statue by the bombing in Turkey as both in her career, the Iron Lady contemplated quitting politics entirely to focus on a engagements, including talks with in Baghdad. A forty-foot high gold- Bush and Blair condemned the at- career at the Bar instead, “with no further thought of a parliamentary career for Prime Minister Tony Blair on the en papier-mâché effigy of George tacks which have left at least 26 many years”. This is the first time that private and sensitive papers have been situation in Iraq and AIDS in Africa Bush holding a missile with Tony people dead, including the British released during the lifetime of a former Prime Minister and many Government- and hosting a banquet for the Blair in his pocket was pulled down Consul-General. held documents are still unavailable due to Whitehall regulations. Students reject Bush g,uk .indymedia.or www against George Bush?’ was debated by CUSU on Jonathan Wood Wednesday with 60 people present, 33 of whom Cambridge students ensured they played a voted in favour. However, as the meeting’s at- prominent part in yesterday’s national tendance fell well short of the 100 people need- protest in London with five coaches, organ- ed for quorum, the result has limited significance. ised by the Cambridge Stop the War There have been a variety of other anti-Bush Coalition, setting out from Cambridge with protests in Cambridge to mark the US president’s around 120 student protestors on board. state visit. Last Saturday saw a protest outside CamSAW, Cambridge Students Against the the Esso petrol station in Trumpington, with the War, also played a major part. protestors, including a tiger sporting an ‘Esso One student, Kim Phillips from Jesus said that sucks’ t-shirt. They urged motorists to boycott the march has definitely been a success, “with- the company. out doubt no matter where they were in London A“Stop Bush” banner was unfurled last week today, Bush and Blair will have heard us”. on top of the railway bridge. The protestor, in an Cambridge itself had been the scene of its own orange jump suit like those worn by the pris- anti-Bush protest on Wednesday, with organis- oners at Guantanamo Bay said “while thousands ers reckoning around 100 protestors turned of innocent Iraqis have died as a result of a 21st out in Market Square to demonstrate and topple century crusade, state honours are being lavished statues of Bush and Blair. Various speakers ad- on a man who has shown utter contempt for life, dressed the crowd, attacking both Bush and Blair. democracy and international law”. A man was The motion ‘Should CUSU have policy later arrested in relation to the incident.

COMMENT AND ANALYSIS EDITOR:ARCHIE BLAND 06 Nov 21, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk Dave Bush unlikely to be rattled Hall by CUSU Open Meeting

They called it an ‘indicative vote’ proposers of this motion. Of course, gether 100 people to force through made by this inquorate assembly Bush. Our point was simple: CUSU in opposition to George Bush’s their motion was unconstitutional an anti-Bush motion… could possibly have any signifi- as a students’ union should deal state visit to Britain, but their (see Article A of the CUSU And so I sat, waiting, almost cance, debated at cross purposes for only with our interests as students. disappointment was palpable. Constitution) and shockingly bad- hoping, to be declared a Tory bas- 15 minutes. Dan and his cronies To take a position on foreign leaders Yes, on Wednesday afternoon at ly written (‘Notes 7. That unlike a tard and Bush supporter by people said they had the right be political- would serve only to deflect CUSU’s an Emergency Open Meeting university education, Bush’s state who had been induced to the ly active. We confirmed that they attentions from the important issues held at Kings, the gathered visit will be paid for by the British Keynes Hall with the promise of an had the right to be politically active, of higher education funding, inter- forces of CamSAW and the taxpayer’). Come off it, Dan. We can occupation against something if but CUSU couldn’t, and had no in- national visa renewal charges and Socialist Workers’ Party man- blame Bush for a lot, but higher ed- they were very very good. In the clination to, take a stance on visits everyday student welfare. aged to muster just 33 votes in ucation cutbacks? Oh, and while end, all I got was Dan Mayer, who by foreign leaders. They said that We have an active, effective stu- support of their motion. That we’re having this debate, let’s be duly called me a closet Tory and many students opposed Bush. We dents’ union at this university and strange phrase,‘indicative vote’, honest about the facts. My £1000 p.a. Bush lover. For the record, Dan, confirmed that many students did they will continue to fight in the in- was used because, the meeting tuition fees don’t quite cover the full Bush is a dodgily-elected, oil-fund- and some students didn’t. And terests of all the students. And they being well short of the 100 costs of my education, do they? The ed muppet, possibly the most stu- some students like Marmite and will do well to ignore the ignorant members needed it to be quo- rest is paid for by the British tax- pid man ever to be trusted with the some students hate it, but CUSU posturing of so-called ‘radicals’ who rate, the decision had no signif- payer). Nonetheless, I’ve always ad- security of the world. Is that left- will not be supporting or de- think that the violent overthrow of icance at all. It is not CUSU pol- mired Dan as a behind-the-scenes wing enough for you? nouncing Marmite. the ‘international ruling order’ will icy to oppose Bush’s visit. political maneouvrer. Surely, in the What followed was something Of the 11 people who, like me, start at a CUSU Open Meeting. To be honest, I expected better of middle of King’s College, hotbed of of a farce. Just over 50 people, safe voted against yesterday’s motion, Dave Hall is President of the Union Dan Mayer and Sam Caldwell, the student activism, he could get to- in the knowledge that no decision not one expressed any support for of Clare Students.

Why do students smoke pot? As far as Tim Stanley is concerned, Evil it comes a poor second to booze Weed

I have only smoked pot twice in atically knocking on doors and cases I felt ill afterwards and in one early death. The first reason is that make cut backs. In short, blood, toil my life.The first occasion was asking, ‘Have you met Mr Fluffy?’ case I ended up walking to someone somewhere is simply not and near slavery funded Mr Marks’ Christmas 1998 at my aunt’s house I recount these two stories not Grantchester bare foot. profiting from our misery. Indeed rise to predominance amongst stu- in front of the (then) final ever with pride, but to emphasise that they’re suffering inexorably. A few dent middle class layabouts. Drugs episode of Only Fools and Horses. when I denounce the taking of Drink is a far terms ago I entered a wheeze with a do not emerge from the ether, but My family have always been drugs I do so not with the moral bisexual from Eton to report to the are part of a cycle of crime that will drug friendly - indeed, my aunt upper hand. I am as guilty as the more pleasurable police the fact that illegal drugs were never be broken unless we simply keeps bottles of morphine in her next man of attempting to escape and sociable being taken in the Union (Howard stop taking them. fridge (which is surprisingly easi- the middle class ennui that is mod- way to while Marks was handing them out). At Secondly, I realise now that ly confused with Gold Top milk) ern capitalism by smoking some- away a lifetime the time this was just an amusing drugs are not a solution to, but a - and the conversation had moved thing that is probably eighty per- Cointreau-orientated prank, but in symptom of, the failings of modern swiftly on to the stash my cousin cent woodchip. Nonetheless hindsight it had a serious point. Mr Capitalism. Is our existence so ba- (a voracious lesbian studying at looking back on both these experi- But Cambridge is drugs ob- Marks was not importing something nal and our political system so rot- Southampton) had hidden in her ences I have to admit that they sessed. This is tragic for two reasons, akin to nicotine. The vast majority ten that we have to escape by shov- room. Before one could say ‘Puff were immature practices largely ignoring entirely the argument that of Marijuana crops are still produced ing half of Columbia up our noses? the Magic Dragon’ we were all get- brought about by peer pressure. these hormone scrambling experi- in third world countries with GNPs Is Cambridge so dull that we can ting pleasantly off our faces in a They served no purpose: in both ences probably lead inexorably to so low they’d force even King’s to only get through it by sitting in very seasonal way - but it seemed front of a wall watching large pink to me rather a dull sensation and I rabbits make hay with distant chive quickly moved on to egg nog as a cousins in blue? Possibly. But that more certain route to relief from says more about Cambridge and

the agony that those genetically arsity Ar the world outside than it does closest to you inevitably bring. V about the power of heroin to The second experience was change our world view. more profound. In the In short, drug use is immature, Thanksgiving of my first term I ignorant of the consequences and was invited to a very pretty young symptomatic of a wider problem girl’s room to suck upon a spliff with our intellectual lifestyles. If the size of the New Forest. I natu- only we could learn to appreciate rally obliged, as I was keen to im- art or literature more then we might press the young lady with my abil- not be reduced to snorting coke in ity to get stoned very slowly and toilet cubicles. Either way drink so inhaled deeply in short breaths. (particularly Gloag’s Gin) is a far About ten minutes later I was ly- more pleasurable and sociable way ing in a bath vomiting profusely to while away a lifetime. I can hon- and swearing never to touch the estly say that alcoholism has intro- stuff ever again. Later on that duced me to more people and more evening I groggily gave a places than I’d ever have experi- Frenchman I hardly knew a mas- enced if sober. And I’ve got the tow- sage and introduced my teddy els I nicked from Trumpington bear to the entire floor by system- Police Station to vouch for me.

Vent your spleen at [email protected] EDITOR:ARCHIE BLAND / TOM EBBUTT COMMENT & ANALYSIS / FEATURES www.varsity.co.uk Nov 21, 2003 07 Naomi Why Cambridge should think Loomes about positive discrimination

Interview week is fast ap- premium for every applicant they Schwarz says lots of great minds are melting pot of university and a world of networking amass their so- proaching and the perennial take from these areas. It smacks falling by the wayside because uni- ‘performance gap’ emerges - the cial capital by working harder and question of ‘access’ is in the of ‘social engineering’ - and not versities aren’t recognising that state state schools power ahead. doing better academically - they get public gaze again. Bristol surprisingly the private schools school candidates might not get such Schwarz develops this, claiming some 7% more firsts and 2:1s. University elevated the debate don’t find this very sporting, es- high grades at A-level but they’ll out- that if two people have the same 3 Is this a strong enough case for so- to headier heights last year by pecially when parents have As at A-level but one’s from a pri- cial discrimination? It seems too discriminating against highly coughed up £8K a year for this not The middle vate school and one a state school, couched in generalisations and in- qualified students from private to happen. In short, the middle then the state school pupil must tangibles to know. The Spectator be- schools in favour of state school classes, in their Barbour jackets classes, in their have ‘travelled further’ and there- moaned ‘the pogrom of the privi- applicants with lower grades. and wellies, are all jolly cross. Barbour jackets fore must be ‘drawn from a higher leged children’ but as usual their Charles Clarke appointed an Might they have a right to be? Is so- and wellies, are point in the underlying ability dis- pessimism is overblown; Cambridge advisory committee on univer- cial discrimination ever acceptable? all jolly cross tribution’. You can see his point. admissions officers say they’ve ‘al- sity entrance and got the New There is a logic behind it. In 1962 The second argument is that ways tried to look at A-levels in the York giant Professor Schwarz 0.25m students were in higher edu- public school students by virtue of context they were achieved’. They on the case. cation which had soared to 1.3m by perform at university. their ‘cultural assets’ are likely to won’t be swayed by Schwarz’s fi- Schwarz wants to impose the 2001. But whereas enrolments of stu- There are two reasons why this have their networks and contacts nancial incentives and the other American model whereby access is dents from professional backgrounds might be so. Firstly because state and future earning potential pretty ‘guidelines’ are too permissive. judged ‘not by where one stands but has risen from 15% to 50%, enrol- school kids have to show more ini- well established before they even The Spectator forgets that the on how far one has had to travel to ments from non professional has tiative if they want to learn and will fill out their UCAS form, and thus great legacy of the private school get there’. It’s a particularly touchy risen from 8% to just 18% . The mid- therefore respond better to uni- try hard for their 3 As in large part education is that you can breeze subject for Cambridge: a universi- dle classes are hogging all the places. versity-style teaching than their because they see Oxbridge as a through interviews like you’re sell- ty perpetually pelted with accusa- Consider this alongside the spoon-fed private school counter- chance to extend their high calibre ing insurance, in a way most peo- tions of favouring protégés from the ‘plummeting standards’ which are parts. Researchers at Warwick social contacts. But once at univer- ple from state school could never leafy private schools in the South- keeping the dons awake at night – University have hypothesised an sity they have a ‘diminished incen- do. As long as the interview re- East and not giving state school can- they claim our first year is spent in ‘independent school effect’. This tive’ to work, happy to settle for ‘the mains the centrepiece of Oxbridge didates a look in. ‘remedial education’ (teaching us all suggests that independent school gentleman’s degree’ as long as they admissions the ‘Tim nice-but dims’ Schwarz’s plan of action is this: the stuff we should already know) candidates seem cleverer than they can have a super time at the Pitt who can talk the talk will always draw up a geosociological chart - and you might deduce that the rug- are because of their schools’ abili- Club and the drinking societies. have social discrimination on their showing all the most deprived ar- ger and lacrosse captains are not ex- ty to pull everyone through with Schwarz argues that state school side - whether they can walk the eas and offer departments a 20% actly the sharpest tools in the box. high A-levels, but put them in the children not so well attuned to the walk or not. Confessions of an eBay addict Ronojoy Dam looks at the growing phenomenon of online auctions

“That’s it… I’m officially addicted plotting of future ones while constant internet cold turkey that saved my to eBay; I can’t think of ‘anything’ checking of bid status became as nec- sorry ass. I am truly grateful. I’ve done in the past six months essary as breathing. The first failure However, while eBay may be that equals the thrill of winning to win an item by being outbid at the guilty of insidiously causing addic- Alex Mair an item or the fear and depression last minute by some vicious fiend is tion, it is also there to be exploited that follows being outbid at the like a blow to the chest – one is left for one’s own ends and a medium last second. Bastards. It’s madness breathless, panting, in a state of shock. through which to exploit all those I tell you. Madness. Somebody Food was reduced to a mere other losers out there. If a dodgy stop me. Please.” means of minimal sustenance and BMW were to pull up as you mean- So read the email from a friend nervous smoking increased as the dered through Market Square as the of mine sent to everyone she knew time left on a bid was counted two slickly suited men inside com- last month. Do not underestimate down. From only bidding on things pliment you on your bargain con- the seriousness of this issue for eBay I really wanted like a daily noisseur appearance before pro- addiction is a dangerous phenom- pheromone spray, which claimed ceeding to invite you into the enon mercilessly taking over the would leave the opposite sex actu- backseat and show you an array of World Wide Web population as ally believing I was the beast of a ‘top quality’ watches all for the re- whimpering prisoners. Founded in man I knew I was and yet which no duced price of a few hundred quid, 1995 the online auction market now one else had quite caught on to yet, where else could you have a 40W receives in excess of 140 million hits and that limited edition Manic flash of genius and quickly sell them per week and hosts around a mil- Street Preachers vinyl 12” from ’91, for personal profit other than eBay? lion online auctions per day in over I suddenly found myself captivat- A charitable man in the US put up 1000 categories. For many, it’s not ed by the thought of winning a po- the snow in his backyard for sale as just a pastime. tato chip in the image of Princess Di, it was surplus to requirements with eBay addiction ravishes the time a salt and pepper shaker set shaped the buyer having to collect. Another and money of sufferers as they com- like a gorilla in a palm tree and a friend of mine, with more imagina- $35,000 in debt due to her loving hus- fails and an addict just can’t pack it in fort themselves with the pretext that truly wonderful alarm clock, fea- tion than money, has decided to sell band’s lack of self-control and could however, well then they may as well they are actually gaining something turing a small caricature of Bill all his unwanted possessions on really do with your charitable dona- take full advantage of the items on of value, however little it may be. The Clinton that dropped his pants eBay in an attempt to pay his way to tion then there is hope to be found in sale, which in the past have includ- latter half of Easter Term saw me de- every hour to the melodic chime New York. He has raised £20.65 so the form of the eBay addiction patch. ed marvellous wonders such as the scend into the depths of eBay of To All The Girls I’ve Loved Before. far. It’s not really working. You simply apply the patch to your meaning of life, a Falcon missile, dig- junkiedom: sleepless nights endured It was only the end of term, a return Maybe if you’re like the eBay wid- forehead and results should be ex- nity, drug-free urine and strawberry due to the suspense of bids and the to home and the feverish shaking of ow (www.ebaywidow.com) who is pected after 230 applications. If all else soda. If you can’t beat it, buy it.

Have an interesting idea? Want to write for Varsity? Email: [email protected]

EDITORIAL 08 Nov 21, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk

The Uni is a political pawn The University is set to announce a scheme of bursaries that will rad- ically change the financial position in which students from the lowest income backgrounds find themselves at Cambridge. By supplement- ing the Government’s proposed Hardship Grant of £1,000 with a fur- ther £4,000 grant, Cambridge plans to use its financial clout to ensure that students whose parents earn less than £15,000 may not even need to draw their full student loans in order to get by at university.

The proposals are linked, in their substance and in their timing, with the intro- duction of top-up fees. The Government will use it to exploit what appears to be an enormous access stunt by the UK’s flagship university to soften the an- nouncement of differential fees in the Queen’s Speech. What the Government should actually be announcing, regardless of their proposals for funding teach- ing and research, is a scheme of student support that actually meets basic needs.

As it stands, the Newton Trust bursaries (up to £1,000 systematically offered to all students with full LEA fee contribution) go a long way to closing the dis- parity between student loan levels and £5,800 – the figure that universities, Cambridge included, accept is a minimum realistic budget. That the Government does not currently offer any student the ability to even borrow such an amount is a disgrace.

Now, the Undergraduate Bursaries Committee and the Newton Trust, from whom these proposals arise, are providing tacit approval of top-up fee proposals in order to make up for the Government’s continued failure in providing ade- quate maintenance support.

This is a bitter irony that will not be lost on those caught in the poverty trap of increasing parental contributions and rapidly reducing support just above the £18,000 income bracket. Tuition fee contributions, falling student loans, falling Editor Newton Bursaries, and ineligibility for new Government Hardship Grants all Tom Ebbutt start to bite. Plotting a graph of the parental contribution required to meet the [email protected] University’s “bread and water” maintenance target for different income levels The week Online Editor shows those in the range of £18,000 to 30,000 suffer worst – along with those that Tim Moreton fall through the means-testing regime. The “taper” that will determine to what [email protected] extent these students benefit from the new proposals has yet to be decided, but in words Chief News Editor it is unlikely to offer much consolation. Reggie Vettasseri [email protected] The Newton Trust has become a pawn in a wider political game. No student “We’ve seen plenty of American flags. We’ve seen plenty of people Business Manager needs £9,000 to live on, but every student needs £5,600 to live on. Varsity calls waving to us – many, many more people in fact than protesters” Sam Gallagher on Cambridge University to introduce the proposed levels of support now, if First lady Laura Bush told reporters she had barely noticed the oppo- [email protected] they believe they are needed at all, and fund them from existing sources. sition to her husband’s state visit to Britain. Technical Director How education and teaching are funded is a separate matter. Tim Harris “Had I been a terrorist intent on assassinating the Queen or American Photos Editor president George Bush, I could have done so with absolute ease” What the Union is for Pavla Kopecna Ryan Parry, reporter for the Daily Mirror, who got a job as a footman [email protected] Another term, another scandal at the Cambridge Union. Another at Buckingham Palace to expose the poor security standards Production Managers aggrieved presidential hopeful who’s willing to “do anything” to get Matthew Jaffe back for what has been done. Echoes of Union terms past ring in our “Thatcher’s political convictions show us all the need to be strong Jun Jhen Lew ears. But, in all honesty - do we really care? and believe in ourselves” [email protected] CUCA Chairman Edward Cumming on the importance of the Design Manager The Union should be about good speakers, interesting, topical debates and ents Thatcher Papers. Tom Walters that make you want to leave the comfort of your college. This term’s programme [email protected] has been a good one, but the Union needs to begin to attract as officers those “The thought of a northern, working class, ethnic minority President Page Setters who are interested in, and motivated by, putting a smile on the face of the mem- horrifies the Union cliques” Thanks to the whole team bers rather than climbing the greasy pole. Alan Mak on his disqualification from the Union election. Chief Subeditors Rebecca Willis Next Thursday the Union debates whether or not we should save Gardies – “It’s not that I’m unsympathetic…” Sarah Horner surely the issue of the term at Cambridge. Varsity will be there. We’re trying to Union President, Will Gallagher, softens the blow as he proposes a [email protected] make sure Vas will be too. Now the debacle is over, why not come along and see vote of ‘no confidence’ in Mak. Editorial Cartoonist what the Union can really do in the area where it should be concentrating: mak- Andrew James ing sure that Cambridge can’t wait for next Thursday to come round. “I understand you’ve attempted to rectify the situation by leaving lights on in the Old Porters Lodge and a ‘will be back sign.’” If you would like to contribute to Varsity Junior Members’ Association’s Welfare Officer on security concerns This could catch on... please e-mail the relevant section editor . at Fitzwilliam. With the University facing an ever rising deficit the Fellowship of Fitzwilliam College have come up with the solution everyone has been “I can assure you that within a very short period of time, multiple 11-12 Trumpington Street, Cambridge, CB2 1QA looking for – the cardboard staff member. counts will be filed” Tom Sneddon, Santa Barbara District Attorney, on the arrest of Varsity is published by Varsity Publications Not only can you be frustrated by the inanimate porter, why not queue up for Michael Jackson on multiple charges of child sex abuse. Ltd and printed by Cambridge Evening your dinner and be confused by the cardboard canteen staff or head to your su- News. All copyright is the exclusive prop- pervision and wonder how long your esteemed academic is going to ponder “We have just to keep our feet firmly on the ground and take away erty of Varsity Publications Ltd. No part for. Until you realise he’s just an amateur mock up. There is one place where the the hype and treat it just like another game of rugby” of this publication may be reproduced, idea would certainly come in very handy; a cardboard King’s Bursar. Willing to England coach Clive Woodward on Saturday’s Rugby World Cup fi- stored in a retrieval system or transmitted take the flak at regular intervals for the College’s problems and very unlikely to nal against Australia. in any form or by any means, without the ever consult his lawyers… prior permission of the publisher. EDITOR:TOM EBBUTT EDITORIAL www.varsity.co.uk Nov 21, 2003 09

Frances Welcome to the finest Robinson production line in the world

A lot of the time, trying to get a a finalist and a linguist, I am you the right to exercise it... You mean dodgy rented accommoda- do make money, why do they do it? degree here feels like being made painfully aware that we are unique- have been indoctrinated not only tion with inadequate facilities and I don’t know. But I do know that as to jump through burning hoops ly, ridiculously employable, and to be aware of your superior intel- scary landlords, not a college house long as we enjoy formal hall, as long backwards whilst balancing a also the most hypocritical students ligence, but also to use it, a skill which was shockingly over ten as our fellow students from Anglia candelabra on your head. It’s cer- in the country. A hypocrisy that has which will leave you both equally minutes walk from the college bar, work as hall waiters and bedders we tainly not easy and it relies on be- admittedly been thrust upon us, but cursed and blessed in future years. for at least two years, if not the en- will remain supremely well-edu- ing brainwashed, and cast in the there is still little excuse. In actual jobs, however, you work tirety of their degree. For them, free cated hypocrites. mould of ‘Cambridge Graduate’. Even the most demanding jobs your sorry ass off for the man from laundry, bedders, hall and super- On the other hand, insanely priv- This place gets under our skin, are going to be a bit of a picnic af- 9 til 5, you go home, you switch off, visions were alien concepts. But ileged though we are, we at least gets into our veins, makes us who ter the average degree here. From you can be your own person. But be- they also had no knowledge of late earned it in a meritocratic way. It we are, and also what we’re what experience I have of the “Real cause this place is like an alcohol- books, deanings, or being sent may be a big gilded playpen but at ‘meant’ to be - like non-vintage World”, nobody expects you to at- soaked version of an Enid Blyton down. To achieve our edge in mat- least we’re here because we’re wines, the aim is to create the tend work on a Saturday (à la sci- school book - people even play ters of thought and intellect, we are bloody clever and not just because same drinkable, but predictable entist) or to write an essay on some- lacrosse, for God’s sake - you can treated like naughty schoolchild- mummy and daddy are rich. Your product every year. body’s life’s work (à la Arts never go home. Your supervisor ren until the age of twenty-one. mission, if you choose to accept it, is When I arrived here, fresh out of student) in six days. Count them. probably stands behind you in the I’m not being ungrateful. It’s a to revel in everything that’s great my northern state comprehensive It’s not funny when you’re sat in the sandwich queue, and your exam re- fantastic lifestyle, but a completely about this place, try to change the school, I soon learnt that I could be UL, desperately trying to get in sults get stuck up on a big board. unreal one too. You have to wonder anachronistic idiosyncrasies and so much more than the sum of my touch with your inner existential- I spent last year as an Erasmus why we are given so much - what do emerge victorious into the real parts, but only if I played by their ist, but on the other hand, no oth- Student in Paris, alongside students they expect in return for it? Aside world, before squinting through rules. It’s all very well to be intelli- er university would credit you with from Brighton, Bath, and UWE. from the obvious spare million to your hangover eyes and realising gent - which we all are - but now, as so much intelligence, let alone give They’d all lived out, and by ‘out’ I splurge on library books if we ever that it was all a dream...

Letters should be submitted no later than midnight on Wednesday, and be as concise as possible. The editors Americans aren’t Letters reserve the right to edit all copy. [email protected] like Bush Gardies: Actually open since 1955

Dear Sir, bolognese and chips. The owner was a suave and I recently read in The Times of the move to save The unfairly good-looking gentleman called Mr Alexander; Gardenia from closure. It was said that the restaurant I say “unfairly” because my fiancée was terribly tak- Michael had been a landmark and a haven for the consump- en with him! I should add that the girl who was then tion of chips since 1961. my fiancée was then doing Part I midwifery at Mill Lynas Sir here is a gross injustice! The Gardenia was in full Road Maternity Hospital and that she has been my action during my time at Magdalene from 1955 to 1958. adored wide for very nearly 46 years now. I shall never forget and shall always be grateful for the With all good wishes to you and the dear Gardenia, Four Weddings and a Funeral was they are fat. Where we are reserved, generous helpings of spaghetti bolognese and chips I remain, yours faithfully, a movie made for the British mar- they are gauche. Where we hate war, or, if one felt slightly flusher, kebab with spaghetti Dennis R. Blake ket that made it big in the States. they glorify war. They love Tony Blair; Love Actually by contrast is a we hate George Bush. In our minds movie made for the Americans. George Bush has become all Milkround smiles A clarification Just about every significant British Americans. George Bush is a stupid, actor of the last ten years is folksy, warmongering President. So Dear Editor, Dear Editor, wheeled out for a series of cameos all Americans must also be stupid, Last week’s article ‘The milkround runs dry’ will I would like to clarify some remarks I made in that conform to every stereotype folksy and warmongering, right? have shocked many of your readers. Although it’s true last weeks article on Gardies. When stating my opin- that Americans have of us Brits. Wrong. No individual can sym- that 47% of Cambridge first degree graduates left with- ion, I was referring specifically to CUSU COUNCIL, We are sophisticated, charming, bolise all Americans, not even a out securing a permanent full-time job, they chose to and not to CUSU as an organisation. The latter plays bashful, handsome and clever. In President voted for by a minority of do other things such as postgraduate study (36%) or a a vital role in student life, - to the extent that I believe other words, we are Hugh Grant. her citizens. The good folk of year-off and travel (7%). The number of unemployed I could not fulfil my duties as JCR President without Looking around the cinema and Cambridge, Massachusetts are more Cambridge graduates actively seeking employment was it. The former is a body that has a serious identity cri- hearing the coos from the American progressive (or Lefty depending on only 3%. Although the economic downturn introduced sis, which causes it consistently to fail to fulfil its role. audience it was clear: they love us, or your view) than any I have ever lived uncertainty into some sectors on a national level, there It neither accurately represents the Cambridge stu- at least the image of us that Richard with. When they have finished their will always be a strong demand for Cambridge students. dents (e.g. over Gardies), nor makes wise decisions Curtis saccharines-up. bottle of Dr Pepper they don’t throw The Careers Service is here, funded by the (such as last year’s blanket condemnation of the Since I’ve been here in America I it away, they recycle it. When students University, to help students and graduates achieve Union). It is far too easily manipulated and held to have relished this devotion. When from minority groups apply to their whatever future they want regardless of the twists and ransom by various interested groups, and is not suf- people hear a British accent they go colleges, they give them extra points. turns of the stock market. ficiently accountable to the student body. crazy. The mere incidence of my birth When they have free time, they vol- Regards, Yours, has transformed me into an admirable unteer for a local charity. When they Gordon Chesterman Ben Rawlings fusion of beauty and brains: Prince vote, they don’t vote Bush. And they Director, Careers Service JCR President, Trinity Hall William and Tony Blair. Given that the certainly don’t support the war. only other British man they seem to Now, Harvard and its environs are Paul Lewis is a prejudiced biggot know (Hugh Grant aside) is David not America. But they are a piece of Brent from The Office I suppose I the large jigsaw puzzle that is Dear Editor, ten not even headline news, a dental check up can cost £20 should be flattered that I wasn’t com- America. Apiece as real as those deep I write in outrage regarding Paul Lewis’ prejudiced and and the looming top-up fees will increase our debts by sev- pared to him. Give it a few years. south states that have captured our dismissive treatment of Cuba in his interview with Tony eral thousands of pounds. Which nation comes out better? If the American stereotype of the attention in recent years. Benn. With regards to breaching human rights, is it not I would suggest that the greatest abusers of human rights Brit is nice but misguided, the British By all means hate this President, enough that Havana has been judged the safest capital in are those who impose the trade embargo on the island that stereotype of the American is mis- protest against the war, donate to the world, that every person without exception receives results in nothing but the suffering of ordinary people. And guided and nasty. Where they think the George Galloway fighting fund. free medical care and free education through school, uni- those who continue to spread the ignorant view that Cuba we are clever, we think they are stu- But please don’t kid yourself that versity and beyond. is somehow in need of lessons from the West. pid. Where we are sophisticated, they Bush is any more America than Hugh Compare that with Cambridge where a stabbing is of- Yours faithfully, Helen Fraser are folksy. Where we are handsome, Grant is Britain. WHERE NOW? EDITOR:ALEX STEER 10 Nov 21, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk

Fifteen years after Magdalene, the last of the former all-male colleges to de-segregate, opened its doors to women, students at Newnham, New Hall and Lucy Cavendish are collecting signatures as part of a Where now? ‘Purple Ribbon Campaign’ to support their colleges. But, with a near-equal balance of male to female students in Cambridge, can the University’s women-only institutions justify their existence? Can women’s colleges survive?

Anne Lonsdale Aarti Shah President of New Hall Women’s Officer, Newnham College JCR

New Hall was created in 1954 to increase The recent uproar over women's colleges the proportion of women at Cambridge has sparked an energetic debate, which at a time when the University Statutes has silently been in existence since their required that the total number of women foundations were laid. should never be more than one fifth the I'm writing this article in the hope of intro- total number of men. ducing yet another dimension to this debate, This Statute was duly repealed and, thanks from the perspective of both a Newnhamite to New Hall and later the mixing of the tra- and JCR women's officer at Newnham. ditional men's colleges and the setting up of Lucy Cavendish College, the numbers game “You don’t have to be a has been won and the student gender balance preaching feminist to re- is a comfortable 50:50. But the role of the alise the imbalance in women's colleges has long been about a great male:female ratios” deal more than numbers. It is important to You don't have to be a preaching feminist to “The role of women’s col- realise the distinct imbalance in male:female leges has long been about ratios at some colleges. It is true that if it weren't a great deal more than for single-sex colleges, at least 1500 women could- numbers” n't be at Cambridge and that's a really shocking statistic. In an ideal Cambridge, we wouldn't need any 'special' institutions to even out num- realise that women's colleges are not survivors bers, but it just proves a bias, highlighting the ne- from the past - they are about the futures that cessity for their continued existence. women wish to choose for themselves. Obviously, there are students at Newnham,

The women's colleges in the United States Jet Photographic New Hall and Lucy Cavendish who don't share (famous names like Wellesley, Smith, Mt New Hall students at graduation my enthusiasm and support for all-female Holyoke, Barnard), who saw their numbers colleges (in my opinion, they're in the gross mi- decline in the Sixties at the time when the Ivy Women’s Colleges: A Brief History nority.) Truthfully though, they don't realise League Universities started to accept women, how lucky they are. It has been shown that a now find that the applications to them are high- 1869 – Emily Davies opens the College for Women at Benslow House, Hitchin. huge percentage of male success in exams is due er than ever before, as ambitious and inde- 1871 – A year after lectures for women are established in Cambridge, to supervisions and not just because women are pendent-minded women decide that this is Henry Sidgwick rents a house in Regent Street in which female comparatively more stupid. CUSU Women's their best career choice. Women mature at students (five at first) can stay. Council has proven that students from all-fe- different rates from men and prefer to socialise 1872 – The College moves to its present site, two miles outside the city male colleges perform better in exams than their on their own terms. It is not for nothing that co-ed female counterparts. One of the best centre, and is re-named Girton College. An Association is formed Virginia Woolf insisted on the importance of things about being at an all-female college is ‘to obtain for the students of the College admission to examinations "A Room of One's Own". It is clear from New that women aren't intimidated by male peers in for degrees of the University of Cambridge.’ Hall's results that students on whose talent and supervisions, so are offered the academic sup- 1873 – The first three Girton students (Woodhead, Cook and Lumsden) to potential we take a chance - as we have done port needed to do equally well in exams. since the days when New Hall had its own sit Tripos exams do so in this year, but are not classed or awarded It really angers me to hear prejudiced, un- degrees because Girton does not have official collegiate status. justified male perspectives against all-female “Women mature at dif- 1875 – After gaining a lease of land, Newnham’s early supporters build colleges, when clearly they're not the ones suf- ferent rates from men Newnham Hall on the college’s current site. fering at the hands of politics. There are some and prefer to socialise on 1890 – Newnham student Philippa Fawcett gains the highest degree students, who for religious, social and sexual their own terms” result in the Mathematical Tripos (though, as a women, her degree reasons may only feel comfortable in an all- is unclassed and so discounted). female environment and single-sex colleges 1897 – In response to a call to vote on whether women should be allowed cater for these needs. unique admissions system - do as well in Finals to be examined for degrees, The Times prints train timetables so as the other women in this university. And in that graduates working in London could travel to Cambridge to vote “It has been shown that a a year when we outperformed Trinity in the against the proposal. huge percentage of male Mathematics Tripos we can be confident that 1921 – In Oxford women are admitted to degrees, but in Cambridge success in exams is due to our selection processes are in first class order. female students are limited to titular BAs, with none of the privi supervisions and not just There was a mistaken idea in the Sixties and leges available to male graduates. because women are com- Seventies that, for women, equality with men 1948 – Following a Regent House decision and royal approval, women are paratively more stupid ” had to be synonymous with 'identity' - that admitted to full membership of the University alongside men, and women had to become more like men and move Girton receives full collegiate status. I've loved my time at Newnham and most into male institutions. But the social forms and 1954 – New Hall, a third women’s college, is founded. people will agree with me when I say there is practices which grew up in celibate male insti- 1965 – Lucy Cavendish is established as a women’s graduate foundation a remarkable, down-to-earth and friendly at- tutions of the 19th century do not have to be the (admits first undergraduates in 1972). mosphere at the college. Everybody should sup- norm for the 21st century. Given that they have port the Purple Ribbon Campaign in support 1979 – Girton admits its first male fellows and undergraduates. the academic and intellectual equality they de- of women's colleges. And maybe think twice 1988 – Magdalene becomes the last all-male college to admit women. serve through the thoroughly co-educational before judging – women’s colleges are not un- 1997 – Lucy Cavendish is granted a Royal Charter and becomes a structures of the University of Cambridge, natural or damaging to anyone's health, and self-governing college. women also deserve the chance to live in a so- they do not make us scared to talk to boys. ciety of their choosing, not one created by men. They're a necessity and should stay. Forever.

What next? Send your comments and opinions to [email protected] EDITOR:ANDREW R. MACDOWALL TRAVEL www.varsity.co.uk Nov 21, 2003 11 Scotland Special It’s a reindeer thing Skye Rebecca Heselton on beautiful, quirky Loch Torridon isit Scotland V isit Scotland V

Visiting ‘the Misty Isle’prom- ises more than a ‘pie in the Skye’ chance of an excellent break. From spectacular scenery to unrivalled hospi- tality Skye has much to offer – it’s a unique, truly special part of the British Isles. Many of the views Skye has to offer are simply breathtaking. Some of the best can be taken in from the Cuillin mountain ridge which offers good walks and climbs for the fit, energetic stu- dent. For the less motivated there are countless other beauty spots easily seen when driving around the Island. Kilt Rock viewpoint near Staffin is partic- ularly notable. Although dark clouds rarely “There is something inexplicably immobilising about staring at an ancient, heather-strewn mountain” fall on Skye, there is still much to Desperate to escape holiday car- cably immobilising about staring at an said hummocks. Being positively Thus informed I never ventured to do if it does rain. The Aros Visitor nage and the unrivalled ineptitude ancient, heather-strewn mountain. The allergic to anything remotely re- leave my lodgings without an ozone Centre in Portree, amongst other of international air travel I mi- intensity of the colours and smells sembling science or geology I shall damaging amount of mozzie repel- things, takes an interesting look grated to West Scotland where I were challenged perhaps only by the keep the explanation brief. Under lent, and Marks and Spencer’s finest. at the Island’s heritage as well as was promised mountains, midges obscene midges. the cold water lake is a field. The Yet if midges rule the air, it is the some of the wildlife to be found and a severe abundance of grey. I should explain myself. Loch sheep swim out (no really, they do. reindeer who reign on the ground. on Skye in the recently intro- In fact, Loch Torridon is so remote Torridon appears to the untrained For a creature so aerodynamically Their bellowings, scuffling and inim- duced Sea Eagle Exhibition. and obscure that the only thing next eye as a fragment of Scotland large- challenged, they can swim bloody itable charisma make them remark- Delving further into the past is to its name on the road atlas was a tele- ly bypassed by any form of mod- fast) and then graze on the pre- able creatures, and I will admit to also fascinating and Staffin phone. Just the one. I expected a small ernisation. Its exact location remains sumably culinary superior grass. spending a considerable amount of Museum has many priceless arte- hive of activity…pubs, a school or two, a mystery simply because there are Sadly it is not the idiosyncratic time feeding them carrots, for the facts including a dinosaur bone or at least perhaps a post box. Not so. no specific maps of the area. The sheep that retain your attention. sheer delight of watching them fit the discovered nearby. The nearest hospital is 2 hours away. main attraction (though I hesitate Midges have a far more lasting im- vegetable into their mouths, whole Staying on Skye is a rare treat By helicopter. to use the word, simply because pression, normally taking the form of and sideways. and there are many hostels, But it was beautiful. I’ve seen the there was no one there to be at- small red bumps. Indeed, one of my From the ruminating reindeer to B&Bs and hotels offering first Grand Canyon in the middle of two tracted to it) is a tidal loch that is in- expeditions led me to the reindeer eccentric underwater springs, undis- class Skye hospitality as well as lightening storms. I’ve dived off the explicably fresh water. One of the farmer who was always suitably at- covered Scotland is challengingly value for money. There is also a shore of uninhabited white pebble more surreal moments came on the tired in the traditional kilt etc. ‘Aye’ beautiful. But Loch Torridon had a per- veritable galaxy of top notch beaches at Cephallonian sunrise. Yet first morning. Half the loch had dis- he said, eyes resuming middle-dis- sonal intensity that I did not expect to places to eat. Amongst my somehow an obscure, insect infested appeared to be replaced by what tance glaze ‘Ah don’t tend tae go out find in four mountains, a pond and a favourites is the Flodigarry west-coast hamlet revealed nature’s looked suspiciously like little green unless I’m wearing thermal under- rare breed reindeer farm. But then, to Country House Hotel which is rawest and most unadulterated hairy hummocks. To further my dis- wear. Ah forgot tae wan day. They be honest, I didn’t expect to find a rare- big on atmosphere and has colours. There is something inexpli- belief there were sheep on the afore- bloody murdered mah manhood.’ breed reindeer farm... cracking food served all day in the friendly public bar. Even Skye has an Indian Restaurant and ‘Prince in India’ in Portree Cruising on a Capital coast serves up a right tasty korma. Fear not friends, Skye has a Local boy Chris Wilson on Edinburgh’s seaside environs distillery and brewery and for those of us appreciating a little The annual International Festival Street and are the perfect places to with a pub lunch at the Cramond basking on the rocks, and in recent snortorino (Sir Dennis Thatcher’s leaves the city of Edinburgh open walk off a hangover or recover from Hotel or an ice cream at the small years dolphins and even whales term) Talisker Malt Whiskey is to misinterpretation. Although a drama overdose. The wide sandy café which looks over the Firth of have been spotted. the stuff. Its distinctive, peaty without doubt the Festival is a beach allows visitors to walk out to Forth. A true village within a city. On the island, visit the remark- taste leaves one feeling warm superb centrepiece to Cramond Island at low tide and on a Another little-promoted coastal able 12th Century Abbey - when you right through. Red Cuillin Ale, Edinburgh’s tourist calendar it sunny day it’s one of the most beau- attraction is Inchcolm Island, in the walk around its cloisters, up and brewed in Uig, is a nice, smooth does leave many with the impres- tiful beaches in Scotland, with fabu- middle of the Firth and only ac- down its tight staircases and read the drop full of flavour and charac- sion that Edinburgh is a “one lous views across to Fife. cessible by boat. Make sure you painted inscriptions on the walls it ter - recommended. trick haggis”. The village itself is seemingly un- leave time to explore the cobbled is hard not to have your breath tak- The morning after, take a However, one relatively tourist touched by the city and its hordes streets of South Queensferry or en away by its melancholy and iso- ‘Bella Jane’ boat trip from Elgol free environment which provides of puzzled-looking, camera-mad have a pint in the pub (just oppo- lation. The abbey was founded after to Loch Coruisk which enjoys a much in the way of historical and tourists. Its sleepy riverside cottages site the pier) which was the basis Alexander I was forced to take mystical reputation and can natural attraction is Edinburgh’s hide Cramond Tower and Cramond for the start of Robert Louis refuge there during a storm in 1123; only be described as idyllic. North West coastline. Kirk which in turn shelter numer- Stevenson’s novel Kidnapped. From even today this trip is one for a nice Visit the Isle of Skye – it’s well Cramond village and its beach can ous Roman remains. The morning the ferry, you are virtually guar- day if at all possible. The sea; it’s worth the journey. be easily accessed by bus from Princes could be satisfyingly rounded off anteed sightings of numerous seals Edinburgh’s great escape. Alasdair Ross INTERVIEW EDITOR: PAUL LEWIS 12 Nov 21, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk Dude,Where’s My Country? In the only interview given whilst in Cambridge Michael Moore talks to Tris Hager and Alex Rushmer about his battle with the American Empire

Michael Moore undoubtedly has a soft spot for England. pride: “America is a good country, full of good people. They he seemed to be broadly articulating public opinion. He loves the spirit of the nation, embodied for him by just got a little lost along the way”. Perhaps this is where one might question his motives. He the passing motorists warning each other about ap- He talks about the American people’s inability to un- is engaging upon a world book tour when the rest of the proaching speed cameras using their “blinkers”; he derstand the global hostility towards their society, and hints world already agree with him (in the broadest sense). loves the fact that 30,000 men can sing “Broadway that it is this incapacity for self-diagnosis that is a major hin- One wonders if his time would not be better spent at home show-tunes”in unison at football games. drance to change. diffusing some of the time bombs that threaten his society – Like most Americans it seems, he adores the culture and “We think we’re a very generous people. People say ‘Look the poor quality of education, the culture of fear. heritage of England. After a long talk and book-signing ses- at all the good we’ve done – Defeated the Nazis, saved the He remarks passionately that “We are a nation founded sion, he was still keen to wander around Cambridge, have world, given them colour TVs, you know…why would you in fear. It’s inbred in the culture and I don’t know what to do a look inside King’s College Chapel and sample some “real hate us?’” Cambridge food”. “I think that the American dream But Moore’s soft spot for this country is waning. He has has been revealed for what it really always admired that our nation is not yet American, but sees is: a dream” the Empire of the US slowly encroaching upon British soil. He hates that public sector services are being chewed up and swallowed by the capitalist menace, remarking, with about it but I’m really concerned about it”. an appropriate mixture of derision and despair, “You One wonders if he shouldn’t be trying to find the have a fucking record store running your trains!” answer, and it may not be waiting for him in Germany, When asked if Moore believed we were close to his next destination. seeing an American Empire he remarked, “I think But whatever one may think of this current tour, there we’re already there, but it’s not too late to stop is no denying that Moore reaches a lot of people, and it.” And stopping this Empire is precisely what can speak both eloquently and powerfully when the need arises. “We are a nation founded in When questioned about the perversion of the fear. It’s inbred in the culture American Dream he was quick to express his views: and I don’t know what to do “No I think that what’s happened is that the American Dream has been revealed for what it is: a dream. It’s about it” not a reality. It’s just a carrot to hold out there in front of people’s noses. So it’s actually appropriately Moore is on a mission to do, and it starts by tar- named. Apart from big business. For them it’s not the geting the man seated at its head – George W. Bush. American Dream it’s the American Reality.” His new book Dude, Where’s My Country? is es- He is the master of the sound bite. When asked if the sentially a reworking of the ideas expressed in his education budget could not be improved by shaving a global bestseller Stupid White Men, a book that has few billion off of the hefty defence budget, he succinctly still not been reviewed by the New York Times despite summarised his views: “Exactly. This is your spending over a year on its bestseller list. It focuses own kids, why would you behave this on Osama Bin Laden, on the war with Iraq, but way?” remains a polemic against the Bush ad- Perhaps his ministration. problem is that He told Varsity that he is while his “optimistic” that Bush will be toppled at the next election. He feels that he is reaching people at the crucial mo- ment – “I’m one of many. I’ve got a mil- lion people who have al- ready bought this book in three weeks. Stupid capacity to criticise in White Men took a year to sell a a catchy manner is well million”. honed, he does not tend Perhaps this is why he remarks so flip- to provide the answers to pantly that the American media’s apparent boycott of his the questions he poses. For book (he has only appeared once on a TV network in the last him, education needs to be im- month) is “so cool”. Yet even proved, racism needs to be stopped, and Bush must go. He shrugs, pointing out that “I’ve been completely ig- when putting nored again, and it doesn’t matter. The people tell each oth- words into the mouth of his coun- “America is a good country, full of er and they find out about it and they go and get it. trymen, Moore cannot resist a little joke and it is perhaps this good people.They just got a little “And that’s why I’m actually very optimistic that no mat- that has led to a degree of criticism. When listening it is hard lost along the way” to know what is spoken in earnest, and what is delivered “I’m one of many, I’ve been com- with the tongue planted firmly in the cheek. And perhaps But he doesn’t seriously discuss the alternatives. Perhaps pletely ignored by the matin- he doesn’t either. this is because he has none. stream media and it doesn’t During his speech he remarked rather vaguely upon his It is because to discuss the alternatives would require a mater” use of humour in his work. He seems to believe that it helps book of some magnitude and sobriety; it would require a convey his message – and one cannot argue with the results book that his public would undoubtedly buy after his pre- in terms of sales. vious successes, but would probably not finish. In other ter how thick the media is, no matter whatever, the people But there is a sense that, while he is an excellent speak- words it is a book that Michael Moore does not want to write. are gonna do what needs to get done”. er, he is preaching largely to the converted, in this country For Moore, what is important is that people start to ques- You may not agree with what he says, but you can’t ar- at least. Speaking to his sister, she seemed surprised when tion their way of life. He will leave the job of fixing it to those gue with the sales figures, and it is this that fills him with told that Moore was less shocking this side of the pond, since who are stupid enough to try. /21/11/03/LISTINGS/ Welcome to Varsity’s Listings pull-out. With our expert’s top recommendations below, Listings is your essential weekly guide to what’s on in Cambridge over the next seven days. FILM LIT MUSICTHEATRE V. ARTS

Party Monster at 11pm at the Ok. Listen. Books are well ex- This weekend is all about “If Quentin Tarantino ever dab- Last chance (Fri 21) to catch a free Arts Picture House (Fri and Sat). pensive but you still want that Cambridge’s very own post-rock pop bled in fringe theatre, he might come exhibition of child art on HIV and Starring the indie stars Macaulay master library filled with won- wonders Akira, supporting Six By up with something like Roadmovie” AIDS in the Gatehouse at the back Culkin, Seth Green and Chloe derfully glossy and crisp novels Seven at Queens’ on Friday night - The Guardian. Frankly, fuck that; of Clare College. From 2 to 7 and Sevigny depicting the outrageous, and picture books and whatever (21st) and playing at Trinity Hall’s rock big news is, it’s pay-what-you-want organised by the Red Ribbon Ball gender-bending, drugs a go go else so get your ass down to night on Saturday (22nd). Monday at the Cambridge Drama Centre on Committee. Tickets to their ball on the nightlife of 80s Manhattan. A trashy Heffers on Trinity Street this night (24th) hosts the Christmas Ball, Friday (8pm), and it looks like 28th raising funds for the Terrence classic with a marvellous sound- Wednesday and get yourself a 20% Fresh As Snow for cocktail-fuelled ac- Roadmovie might actually be half- Higgins Trust, will be on sale at the ex- track. Plenty of fun. discount fo’ sho’! tion. Don’t miss out! decent. Beats townie night at Life. hibition: www.red-ribbon-ball.com.

To submit listings go to Brand New Cryptic Crossword www.varsity.co.uk/listings L4 L2 LISTINGS 21 NOVEMBER 03

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THURSDAY Christ’s Films: FILM Blazing Saddles. Christs College, New Court FRIDAY St John’s Films: Theatre. 10pm. £2. CU HISPANIC SOCIETY: Charlie’s Angels: Full Weekly FILM: ‘EL SUENO Throttle - don’t miss St John’s Films: DE LOS HEROES’ Cameron Diaz, Lucy Liu & The Quiet American - In Spanish with English sub- Drew Barrymore!. political intrigue, love-trian- titles. St. John’s College, Fisher gle & murder (with Michael Caine). Charlie’s Angels: All University members welcome. Building. 7pm. £2. St. John’s College, Fisher Full Throttle, 12A Sidgwick Site, Lecture Block 3. Building. 9pm. £2. Sunday 23rd November - 7pm & 10pm 3pm. Free for members. St John’s Films: Charlie’s Angels II - Full FRIDAY Throttle - they return with a ,15 SUNDAY CU HISPANIC SOCIETY: The Quiet American bang!. Christ’s Films: Weekly FILM: Thursday 27th November - 9pm St. John’s College, Fisher Secretary “POTESTAD”(Argentina). Building. 10pm. £2. Christs College, New Court In Spanish with English What a Girl Wants, PG Theatre. 8pm. £2. subtitles. Sunday 30th November - 7pm & 10pm WEDNESDAY All University members www.stjohnsfilms.org.uk Christ’s Films: Kranky Klaus/ BB /Spook welcome. Secretary. House Sidgwick Site, Christs College, New Court Three films by Cameron Lecture Block 3. 3pm. Theatre. 10:30pm. £2. Jamie with live soundtrack FREE FOR MEMBERS music . The Junction, . FIND MORE LISTINGS AT 7pm. £7.50/£10.00. WWW.VARSITY.CO.UK Culanu: SUNDAY CU Jewish Society: TUESDAY Culanu’s famous weekly Oneg (party!) - Cambridge University Cartooning & Study with a buddy - explore topics of CU Ballet Club: come and join the fun... . Illustration Society: Jewish learning. Improvers Ballet. For those of you that MISC Culanu Centre, 33 Bridge Street. The Culanu Centre, 1st Floor, 33a Bridge St, Launch: Come and sign up for talks, classes know the basics!. FRIDAY 7pm. Kelsey Kerridge, Aeorbics studio. bet. Oxfam and The Galleria. 10pm. & workshops!. Cambridge Dancer’s Club: Queens’ College, Old Kitchens. 8pm. 8pm. £1.00. 24hr dance for Children in Need. CU Meditation & Buddhism Soc: CU Ballet CLub: Variety of dance styles. SATURDAY Meditation with tai chi, chi qong, creative Beginners jazz. Fun, lively jazz dancing! . C.U.T.C.C.S: writing, dreamwork. St Columbas Hall, off Downing Street. CU Ballet Club: Tai Chi Chuan: Hand Form; Queens’ College, Bowett Room. 7pm. Sidney Sussex College, 6pm. £1.50. Intermediate ballet. 2:30pm. £1.00. Weapons Forms; Pushing Hands; Self- Knox Shaw Room. 7pm. Pointe class. 4pm. £0.50. defence. CU Chabad Society: CU Chabad Society: Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway Room. Welcome the Shabbat with a delicious four Advanced class. 4:30pm. £1.00. Maypole Quiz: Parsha and Pasta - Come for a thought pro- 2pm. £2/ 3. course meal. Kelsey Kerridge, Aerobics studio, top floor. Cambridge’s most entertaining quiz, with voking supper. Chabad House, 19 Regent Terrace. 7:30pm. tickets drinks and cash prizes. Chabad House, 19 Regent Terrace. MONDAY The Maypole Pub, Park Street, 8pm. Pembroke College Winnie-the-Pooh Upstairs. 8pm. £1. CU Jewish Society: Society: Buddhist Meditation Samatha Trust: Friday Night Dinner - Hawaiian themed Introductory course in meditation. C.U.T.C.C.S: Elevenses - Romance.ucam.org: special. All welcome. [email protected]. Chi Kung: Speed Dating: Student Centre, 3 Thompson’s Lane. Including a little smackeral of something. www.samatha.org. Breathing Exercises for Stress Relief and 7:30pm. Jesus College, M5a, Second Court. 4pm. “Musical Chairs with Chemistry.” General Health and Fitness. Pembroke College, 30 introductions in one night - great fun!. N7 Old Lodge. 7:30pm. New Hall, Long Room. http://romance.ucam.org, 2pm. £2/3. Please sign up in advance. 7:30pm. £4. LOOKING FOR LOVE? Hi my name is Steve and I’m 30 years old. I’m looking for a foxy lady between the age of 18 and 23 to share my life and home with. Big tits are essential, and long blonde hair as well. A classy lady. She must be a good cook, and be a patient mother to my 4 boys. Lucky ladies, if this sounds like it could be you please call me on 1800 LOOK 4 LUV

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21 Petty Cury, Cambridge, CB2 3NE. Tel 01223 322 123. Monday - Saturday: 9.00am - 6.30pm. Sunday 11am - 6pm

21 NOVEMBER 03 LISTINGS L3

Kick Bo: Non-contact aerobics using the Enterprise Tuesday MISC CONT... dynamic kicking and punching moves of Martial-Arts. WEDNESDAY CU Ballet Club: "THINKING BIG" Beginners ballet. Absolute beginners Christs College, New Court Theatre. CU Chabad Society: always welcome!. 6pm. £2. ITALIAN RESTAURANT Kabbalah Course - a beginners guide Queens’ College, Bowett Room. MEZE HOUSE Be inspired by to the esoteric. 6pm. £1.50. CU HISPANIC SOCIETY: Candace Johnson CU Ballet Club: Chabad House, 19 Regent Terrace. Beginners ballet. Absolute beginners Weekly CONVERSATION EVENING Party bookings up to 50 available Co-founder of the ASTRA satellite programme 8pm. always welcome!. and CLUB NIGHT at BALLARE! Tuesday 25th November Queens’ College, Bowett Room. FREE CHAMPAGNE. 7pm. £1.50. Downstairs Cocktail Bar 6-7pm Chat, eat and drink the Hispanic way! THURSDAY University Centre, GRANTA BAR. (doors open from 5.30 pm) C.U.T.C.C.S: C.U.T.C.C.S: 8:30pm. 10% STUDENT DISCOUNT Tai Chi Chuan: Hand Form; Weapons Tai Chi Chuan: Hand Form; Weapons Lecture Theatre 1, Chemistry Department Forms; Pushing Hands; Self-defence. Forms; Pushing Hands; Self-defence. FREE FOR MEMBERS. 17 Hills Road, Cambridge (please use the back entrance which is the same as Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway Room. Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway Room. 01223 566900 the Scott Polar Institute on Lensfield Road) 7pm. £2/3. 7pm. £2/3.

Queens’ Ents: DISINTERGRATION! Live alterna- Phoeniix Fiives MUSICtive rock feat. Six.by Seven, Akira New Jazz Band and Sleepwalker. FRIDAY Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall. Open auditions for all vocalists and Cambridge Music Festival: 9pm. £4. The King’s Piano Trio perform works by musicians. Bring something to Fauré, Beethoven and Mendelssohn. St John’s College Music Society: sing/play. Drum kit available. King’s College Dining Hall , . Term Concert: Vivaldi, Bach, Multitalented musicians ideal 9pm. £Student Tickets (very few): £13 in Sibelius. advance but by no means essential. St. John’s College, Chapel. (01223 503333) £3 on the door (depend- ing on availability). 4pm. £8/5/3. Sat 22nd Nov 12 - 5pm Sun 23rd Nov 10 -1pm Cambridge University Brass Band: SATURDAY Mon 24th Nov 3 - 6pm Joint concert with City of Camrbidge Clare Ents: Churchill College Recital Room Brass Band, featuring a wide variety of Andy Votel (Twisted Nerve/Fat (problems? contact Chivon on cw288) City): Funk, soul, weird stuff. music. St John's College Music Society: Now Recruiting West Road Concert Hall, Clare College, Clare Cellars. 8pm. £7/£5. 9pm. £4. Term Concert: Vivaldi, Bach, Sibelius. St. John's College, Chapel. Christ’s College Music Society: COSYCOSY: £5.50 per hour Presents Haydn’s ‘Clock’ Symphony girl-boy bangywangy - 4pm. £8/5/3. TUTORS WANTED and Schubert’s Mass in G. the press love ‘em Christs College, chapel. www.cosycosy.com. The Boiler Room: Tutors needed to work with our son on a after training 8pm. £5/3. Portland Arms, Chesterton Road. home-based education programme. 8pm. £4. Breakbeat from DJ Venus (Uk Student Our son Naren is 13 years old and suffers Disintegration @ Queens’ Ents: DJ Competition Runer-Up) and DJ from autism. Queens’ Ents: Live alternative rock with Six.By Seven, Kallous St. John's College, The Boiler CARNIVAL! 1EXTRA hits Cambridge student bands and DJs. The persons willing to join should be feat. Robbo Ranx- dancehall and hip- Room. 9:30pm. £3. Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall 9pm. reliable, committed and motivated to Contact store for hop. learn a new method of teaching based on £4. Queens’ College, Fitzpatrick Hall. 9pm. Behaviour Intervention techniques. £5. The Cambridge Music Festival: The programme is suitable for further details Fitz RAG: Award Holders’ Concert Chamber enthusiastic, young persons, eager to Rock n Roll and Cocktails for Children Serious Sounds & Valve Sound music by Fauré, Debussy and Martinu. help a child learn. in Need. System: West Road Concert Hall , . Full training will be provided with flexi- Fitzwilliam College, Reddaway Room. The legendary Valve Sound System stops off at Cambridge. ble hours. 9pm. £2. 8pm. £Student Tickets: £6 in advance The Junction, Starting pay of £7 per hour. (01223 503333) £3 on the door (depend- DOMINOS CAMBRIDGE: 01223 355155 10pm. £12/£14. For further information contact Drs RAO ing on availability). on 01223411575 27 HILLS ROAD, CAMBRIDGE, CB2 1NW party. elections. [email protected] join the committee. you’ll get cv points, learn stuff, have fun etc... admittedly it pales in comparison with being a rock star, although there are elements of power1, money2, women3, wine4 and cars that shine5 - which helps. oh yeah and we are partying at the riverbar next thursday. big party. join us.

1) well you can be on the committee... 2) erm handling other peoples? 3) well half the committee are... 4) come to the party or the events 5) in cambridge I guess it’s bikes that shine...

Tuesday 25th November The Challenges Facing the Professional Services Industry - Deloitte Following the recent scandals, the professional services sector is facing some serious challenges due to the impact their work has. Deloitte will be discussing these challenges, and the outlook for the sector’s future. You’ll be able to fi nd out more about this company and meet some of their employees. Thursday 27th November Event TBC - visit website for more details END OF TERM PARTY!!! - Riverbar, (opp. Magdalene, along the boardwalk, past Henry’s) Meet other members of the society, drink, chill, talk to the current committee if you are interested in running for a position - £5 Non-Members, £3 Members - includes 3 free cocktails.

Sunday 30th November Elections - visit our website for more details.

All events are free to members, start at 6.30pm at Sidney Sussex, and include wine and dinner. Book your place online www.cambridgefutures.com cambridgefuturesfutures cuis www.cambridgefutures.com the new cambridge university industrial society

L4 LISTINGS 21 NOVEMBER 03

The Cambridge University Gilbert AUDITIONS Phoeniix Fiives CAMBRIDGE FOOTLIGHTS and Sulivan Society for New Jazz Band invites applications for Announces auditions for Brecht’s Threepenny Opera writer/director A timeless musical thriller Open auditions for all vocalists and (or co writer/directors) YEOMAN OF THE GUARD needs ten actors. musicians. Bring something to for Professionally directed and designed Jazz not opera! sing/play. Drum kit available. Footlights Spring Revue 2004. for Bring a song. Multitalented musicians ideal Cambridge Arts Theatre Send CV and 150 word outline of but by no means essential. 9th-13th March 2004 Kings College concept for show to Sat 22nd and Sun 23rd December 10am-2pm Munby Room Sat 22nd Nov 12 - 5pm Footlights pigeon hole, Magdalene College, Benson Hall 28th and 29th November Sun 23rd Nov 10 -1pm ADC Theatre, Please bring something to sing! Mon 24th Nov 3 - 6pm (between 10 - 3pm) by 5pm Saturday 22nd Nov for Contact Debbie Grossman Churchill College Recital Room interview Sunday 23rd. ([email protected])for more information To be performed 3rd / 7th March 2004 (problems? contact Chivon on cw288) TUESDAY Cambridge gamelan: MUSIC cont... Traditional Javanese music work- shop. Music Department, West The Cambridge Music Festival: Selwyn College Music Society: Road. 6pm. FOR Lunchtime Prom IX Music for Cambridge Music Festival: Coull oboe, bassoon and piano by String Quartet performing Reicha The Cambridge Music Festival and OUT OF ORDER Poulenc, Saint-Saëns and Dutilleux. and Beethoven. CambsDance: Emmanuel United Reformed Church Selwyn College, The Hall. Dance Mass II Positive Action A farce by Ray Cooney 1:10pm. 8:30pm. £13 full/ £11 concessions. dance to Fauré’s Requiem and student £3 tickets available on the Fanshawe’s vibrant African Sanctus. Trinity College Music Society: door 1 hr before concert. APU Mumford Theatre Week 4 ADC Mainshow Courtney Lewis conducts music by 8pm. £Student Tickets: £7 in advance (01223 503333) nd rd Prokofiev and Caius composers. University of Cambridge Sat 22 and Sun 23 November 2-5pm Trinity College, Trinity College Philharmonic Orchestra: Robert Gardner Room, Emmanuel College Chapel. A concert of Tchaikovsky, WEDNESDAY CU Rock Soc / Lockup Music: 8pm. £5/£3/£1. Rachmaninov and Sibelius. Trinity Live Music Showcase -dj's, 8 acts Email jps56 for more details BATS Presents College Chapel, plus Elvis headline. Ibsen’s “A Doll’s House” SUNDAY 8:30pm. £3/£6 Cafe Africa, Sturton Street, £10 door, The Cambridge Music Festival: Trinity College Music Tuesday 25th - Saturday 29th Cambridge String Players: £8 advance. 7pm. Society: 7.45pm Fitzpat. Hall, Queens’ Tom Poster plays Shostakovich's Belioz L'enfance du Christ CU MONDAY Adrian Horsewood and Piano Concerto No 1. Chamber Choir and Orchestra The Cambridge Music Festival and Helen Forbes perform BATS Panto 2003, “The Nativity” West Road Concert Hall, 7:30pm. Jesus College Music Society: Conducted by Timothy Brown. CambsDance: early Spanish secular Members of Jesus College Chamber Tuesday 25th - Wednesday 26th. 11pm Dance Mass I Dance to Fauré's King's College Chapel. music. Clare Jazz: Orchestra perform a chamber Requiem and Fanshawe's African 8pm. £30 – £20, in advance (01223 Trinity College, Frazer “Have A Word” Fitz Swing. Sanctus. APU Mumford Theatre music recital. Jesus College Chapel, 503333) £3 on the door. Advance book- Room. Late night comedy by Ed Coleman and Matt Clare College, Clare Cellars. 9pm. £4. 8pm. £7 in advance (01223 503333) 9pm. ing recommended. 8pm. £4/£2/£1. Harvey. Thursday 27th - Saturday 29th. 11pm

REDS: Hannah & Hanna: The Fletcher Players present: Brickhouse Theatre Company: Mankind, by anon: A.A. Milne's classic and brilliant Toad 2 Teenage girls seeking asylum. 1 The Readiest Way To Hell, by 'Tantalus' A fifteenth century morality play pre- THEATRE of Toad Hall. from Kosovo. 1 from Margate. Elizabeth Boyd. Robinson College, Brickhouse sented by the Fletcher Players. Emmanuel College, Queen's The Junction, Clifton Rd. 8pm. The Playroom, . 7pm. £5.50/£4. Theatre. 7:30pm. £5-£6. The Playroom, Box Office: 01223 503 FRIDAY Building. 7:30pm. £3/£6. 333. 9:15pm. £5.50/£4. Brickhouse Theatre Company: REDS: The Marlowe Society: JCDS: 'Tantalus' - debut of epic tragedy pro- The Fletcher Players present: A.A. Milne's classic and brilliant Toad SCRIPTLAB: rehearsed reading of 'Tis Pity She's A Whore, a tragic play Pembroke Players: duced in association with RSC. The Readiest Way To Hell, by of Toad Hall. Cambridge new writing. about incest. GUYS & DOLLS, Music/Lyrics: Robinson College, Brickhouse Elizabeth Boyd. Emmanuel College, Queen's Pembroke College, New Cellars. Jesus College Chapel, . 8pm. Frank Loesser, Book: Swerlings & Theatre. 7:30pm. £5-£6. The Playroom, 7pm. £5.50/£4. Building. 6pm. Burrows. 7:30pm. £3/£6. Pembroke College, New Cellars. CADS: SATURDAY MONDAY Coming Out Of The House: 7:30pm. £4/5. 'Volpone' by Ben Jonson - Sexy, comic Brickhouse Theatre Company: The Fletcher Players present: Brickhouse Theatre Company: The Fletcher Players present an adap- satire of greed. 'Tantalus' - debut of epic tragedy pro- The Readiest Way To Hell, by 'Tantalus' - debut of epic tragedy pro- tation of Sophocle's Electra. Pembroke Players: Christs College, New Court Theatre. duced in association with RSC. Elizabeth Boyd. The Playroom, . duced in association with RSC. The Playroom, 7pm. £5.50/£4. The House With The Twisty 7:15pm. £5 and £4. Robinson College, Brickhouse 7pm. £5.50/£4. Robinson College, Brickhouse Box Office: 01223 503 333. Windows. Pembroke College, Theatre. Theatre. 7:30pm. £5-£6. Pembroke New Cellars. CUADC: 7:30pm. £5-£6. SUNDAY CUADC and Footlights: 10:30pm. £3/4. The Water Engine - this year's Brickhouse Theatre Company: CADS: Alice In Wonderland Freshers do Mamet. CADS: 'Tantalus' - debut of epic tragedy pro- 'Volpone' by Ben Jonson - Sexy, comic ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £5 - £7.50. Shirley Players (St. Catharine's col- ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £5 - £7.50. 'Volpone' by Ben Jonson - Sexy, comic duced in association with RSC. satire of greed. lege drama society): satire of greed. Robinson College, Brickhouse Christs College, New Court Theatre. Mankind, by anon: Luigi Pirandello's 'Six Characters in CUADC: Christs College, New Court Theatre. Theatre. 7:30pm. £5-£6. 7:15pm. £5 and £4. A fifteenth century morality play pre- Search of an Author'. Albert's Bridge - CUADC Freshers' 7:15pm. £5 and £4. sented by the Fletcher Players. The Octagon, St. Chads, 7:45pm. lateshow, by Tom Stoppard. CADS: TUESDAY The Playroom, 9:15pm. £5.50/£4. Plays every evening till Saturday. ADC Theatre, . 11pm. £3/£4. CUADC: 'Volpone' by Ben Jonson - Sexy, comic ADC/FOOTLIGHTS: Box Office: 01223 503 333. JCDS: The Water Engine - this year's satire of greed. ALICE IN WONDERLAND - Hannah & Hanna: 'Tis Pity She's A Whore, a tragic play Freshers do Mamet. Christs College, New Court Theatre. Christmas Panto! . Pembroke Players: 2 Teenage girls seeking asylum. 1 about incest. ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £5 - £7.50. 7:15pm. £5 and £4. ADC Theatre, 7:45pm. £5/£6.50. GUYS & DOLLS, Music/Lyrics: from Kosovo. 1 from Margate. REDS: Frank Loesser, Book: Swerlings & Jesus College Chapel, 10.15pm The Junction, Clifton Rd. 8pm. CUADC: A.A. Milne's classic and brilliant Toad Ariel Society / CADS: Burrows. Pembroke College, New Albert's Bridge - CUADC Freshers' of Toad Hall. William Shakespeare's Troilus and Cellars. 7:30pm. £4/5. lateshow, by Tom Stoppard. Emmanuel College, Queen's Cressida. THURSDAY ADC Theatre, . 11pm. £3/£4. Building. 7:30pm. £3/£6. Christs College, New Court Theatre. Pembroke Players: ADC/FOOTLIGHTS: 7:15pm. £5/4. Mary Pakington's little known ALICE IN WONDERLAND - 'thriller', The House With The Twisty Christmas Panto! 7:45pm. Windows. Pembroke College, ADC Theatre, . 7:45pm. £5/£6.50. ACROSS Pembroke New Cellars. 1a: Animal is head over heels after a post-morning drink. (8) 10:30pm. £3/4. Ariel Society / CADS: 6a: Creator's knack is time. (6) William Shakespeare's Troilus and 9a: Covet parts of a table after father is a pest. (5,4,4) WEDNESDAY Cressida. Christs College, New Court 10a: Fate, remembered as request for lip service (6) ADC/FOOTLIGHTS: Theatre. 7:15pm. £5/4. 11a: Sly beatified bar, without the bar. (8) ALICE IN WONDERLAND - 13a: Shake ass in Mr Men styles. (10) Christmas Panto! 7:45pm. Brickhouse Theatre Company: 15a: Ring back: got lucky (4) ADC Theatre, . 'Tantalus' - Robinson College, 16a: Where to find china and silver items, at first. (4) 7:45pm. £5/£6.50. Brickhouse Theatre. 7:30pm. £5-£6. 18a: Around Penman Tony Banks, don't like this. (3-7) Coming Out Of The House: 21a: Many Holly Hunter films are non-originals. (8) Ariel Society / CADS: The Fletcher Players present an adap- 22a: Join a female title to a family name (6) William Shakespeare's Troilus and tation of Sophocle's Electra. 23a: Irishman following a Welshman, a saintly Englishman, an Cressida. Christs College, New Court Theatre. The Playroom, Box Office: 01223 503 Australian and a Scot. (6,7) 7:15pm. £5/4. 333. 7pm. £5.50/£4. 25a: Fabric made from former secretary's tresses? (6) 26a: Both egos same regarding hidden fabric (8) Brickhouse Theatre Company: CUADC and Footlights: 'Tantalus' - debut of epic tragedy pro- Alice In Wonderland ADC Theatre, DOWN duced in association with RSC. 7:45pm. £5 - £7.50. 2d: River Island or dessert wine. (7) Robinson College, Brickhouse CUADC: 3d: Intruder may move in a simple way. (11) Theatre. 7:30pm. £5-£6. Cigarettes and Chocolate - Lateshow 4d: Attempt something tricky at first for a one-night stand (5) Coming Out Of The House: by English Patient director Anthony 5d: Boost is thrown around musicians. (7) Minghella. 6d: For example, each new sub-editor's initially between articles on body The Fletcher Players present an adap- tation of Sophocle's Electra. ADC Theatre, 11pm. £3/£4. of water. (6,3) The Playroom, Box Office: 01223 503 7d: Piggy needs a sweet to be playable. (3) 333. 7pm. £5.50/£4. Homerton Amateur Theatrical 8d: Girl's girl is girl. (7) Society: 12d: With kids surrounding her, it's surprising she is able to get by! (4,7) CUADC: DANCING AT LUGHNASA - 14d: Something found at airports just about ran cartel (6,3) Cigarettes and Chocolate - Lateshow Homerton College, Auditorium. 17d: Sign: "Beware of the Sting". (7) by English Patient director Anthony 7:30pm. £4/£5. 19d: Gabriel's short child back for feeding. (7) Minghella. 20d: Nowhere to dig out east for Nicholas Cage or Queen Latifah, forex- ADC Theatre, . 11pm. £3/£4 JCDS: ample. (7) 'Tis Pity She's A Whore, a tragic play 22d: Little things as cat gets in. (5) about incest. 24d: Letter and when it should get there. (3) Jesus College Chapel, . 8pm. To view more listings visit www.varsity.co.uk

EDITORS:WILL MOTT AND MARTIN HEMMING THE ORDINARY www.varsity.co.uk Nov 21, 2003 13 The ISSUE EIGHT: Your chuff’s got me looking so crazy right now G! BLA rdinaryONLY SEVENTEEN SHOPPING DAYS LEFT TILL RAMADAN No prizes here,O mama. COLLEGE No, don’t SHORTS GOB From your way-out dean: The col- lege gay pride march will take place this Sunday at 2pm. Due to the col- test on us lege’s already liberal concession in al- New student protest about inhumane testing lowing this event, the dirty benders Le Reporteur books and write down some things.I was will only be allowed to march once Jean-Pierre Onion deprived of sleep, food, drink and some around main court before being spat other civil liberties involving my trousers. at and chased out into the gutter. Sick. Some Cambridge students unit- And don’t get me started on the water ed this week in what several crit- torture and electrodes.” EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE ics have called a united front. Electrodes? Water torture? Trousers? College has the displeasure to inform These brave, brave people have “Okay,I made that last bit up out of the you that several students have recent- taken a brave stand to oppose top of my face,” backtracked Tofting.Silly. ly made it back to the Ursala Andrews’ the callous policy of the However,Tofting did point out some site residence perfectly safely without University to systematically car- things slightly more useful than a back- THE SECRET OF EXAM SUCCESS: Moisten my nib and then tick my box. Gosh! any threat of attack. New measures are ry out inhumane and cruel tests pocket in a sock. For example, did you really know. I mean who gives an ovu- and make paper.Or a paper boy.” to be taken to keep complacent stu- on human beings. know that in the last academic year over lating orang-utan if I know about post- “But any man that can think of the dents on their toes. Porters will dress Gaz Tofting,a second-year dosspiece, 10 007 students were the subject of watershed philosophy,rainbow theory, DoNUT name,he’s got to be a sought af- up as shadows and hide in bushes, is the childbrain and boss of the newly “tests” within in the university? I did ac- the price of cheese or even basic spelling ter employee anyway,” continues Tofting, streetlights will be adjusted to the anointed and dubiously named Do Not tually.Some were tested on up to seven and grammar? The examiner and my his own trumpet being audibly blown. “19th Century Dickensian” setting and Us Test (or DoNUT) movement.He de- separate occasions,some being asked to mum – that’s all.” The first DoNUT march was due to a light aircraft playing heavy breath- scribes this new movement as “an in- think about something for over 45 min- What a surpise, he goes on.“What be held this coming Monday in Marks ing sounds will be flown at low alti- evitability” after he found some of his first utes at a time.And did you know that the are degrees if not just numbers with a and Spencer,but has had to be post- tudes above the route home. year exams “a little bit boring and tricky”. most common answer to all exam ques- colon between them. I don’t need a poned while imaginative rhyming plac- “Yeah,it was pretty gash,” Tofting told tions in 2003 was d) The Black Hole of piece of paper to prove my value to the ard slogans are thought up.“DoNUT, me and my girlfriend over twiglets and Calcutta? No,nor did I. world of work. Unless my work in- though,” reiterated Tofting.“Do you see Bovril (in that order) on Wednesday af- “But what’s it all for?” poses Tofting. volves paper.But if I was a graphic de- what I’ve done there?” ternoon.“I was kept in a small library for Go on.“Well, I, nor the members of signer or something hopefully they’d Yes,brother,we see what’ve you done. days at a time,where I was forced to read DoNUT – it’s a cool name isn’t it – don’t provide the paper.I could be a pulper We want to see what you will do.

Gap year tales to be BUSH: Is that a porter? made more interesting BO Same old story? From yo’ bedder: Hey, you! What’s Hack-packer and re-pointing in Somerset are noth- “Claptrap!” retorted Ricardo.“I nev- shirt but I was only telling the porter that sound? Everybody knows what’s My Friend Billy ing compared with his snake charming er talk about my gap year. OK, so yes- about the sunset on Waikiki Beach be- going down. in Bombay.” terday I was wearing my Ayres Rock T- cause I could tell he was wondering what A startling new report out to- it’d be like to go abroad”. GOOD HIDING morrow claims that gap year Gap-year story boredom is a trend The College Hiding Club will meet at stories – notorious for boring which the experts say is prevalent, es- 4pm next Tuesday at an undisclosed the hell out of freshers who did- pecially in Cambridge. “We feel for location. n’t take a year out – could be John,” sympathised regional scientist Eric made interesting. Coli.“Grouting is a noble task and def- UP Local scientists and magicians have initely deserves as much attention as Sports round-up: football, hockey, been working all night trying to prove touring the Australian East coast with rugby, cricket, table-tennis etc. this exciting claim and make it into a sto- nothing but a couple of chicks and a four- ry for me. by-four...” Gap year students,or ‘Gappers’,have Eric? earned a reputation for cornering their “…and some water of course, to new friends and regaling them with tales prevent dehydration. I’m afraid I can’t of personal aqueduct triumphs in Peru help you with your article anymore. or Mexico. Some have even been to Sorry,” he concluded. Australia. However,the hope is that Gappers, who are easily spotted by now, instead of reducing their passive their array of beads and oversized quiffs, audience to tears of frustration,Gappers are being encouraged to challenge them- may well be able to spark some life into selves to talk about British matters for the conversation using the ancient art at least 50% of the time under the new BOOTY CALL: Not literally, you div of brevity. Or just listening. proposals. For example, the under- HAVE “I achieved just as much in my sum- ground,football and cauliflower cheese If anyone has a ticket for the pre- mer as Ricardo did in a year,” explained are all interesting UK topics up for grabs scription counter at Boots (50 to 70 angered first year John Dull.“It’s just that that really get mouths boiling here at would be good) for this Tuesday please he thinks my holiday stories of grouting A real humdinger of a gap year story told here in exclusive singular pictorial format home. Try it. contact Pukey (plc69). Who’d win in a fight? Arts or The Ord? Email: [email protected]

FASHION EDITORS: SARA NAGUIB AND NICOLE GOLDSTEIN 14 Nov 21, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk WE MODS

Modelled by James, Rowland, Rachel & Siobhan Styled by Nicole & Sara Make up by Helen Lygo @ Molton Brown Tel 01223 353 954 Photographs by Ria Cooke Clothes clockwise: Rowland: Jeans £120 Dogfish, Shirt £80 Dogfish, Shoes £75 Dogfish, Jacket £10 Oxfam. Rachel: Dress £17.99 New Look, Belt 50p Oxfam, Boots £249 Ally Lulu. James: Suit £425 Dogfish, Vest £3 Market, Bag £4 Cancer Research, Shoes £75 Dogfish. Siobhan: Coat £54.99 Frank, Shoes £139 Ally Lulu, Sunglasses 50p Romsey Mill Charity DIY Shop, Bag £179 Ally Lulu. Rachel: Top £21.99 Joy, Denim Skirt £29.99 Warehouse, Boots £10 Cancer Research, Earrings £1 Cancer Research. Siobhan: Dress £32.99 Frank, Boots £135 Reiss, Earrings £4 Top Shop. Rowland: Jeans, Shirt & Shoes as before, Jacket £10 Oxfam, Tie £1 Cancer Research. Rachel: Dress £95 Reiss, Leggings £4 Top Shop, Boots £307 Ally Lulu, Bag £289 Ally Lulu, Earrings £6 Top Shop, Beret £1 Oxfam. Corner Get yer frock on…

DIY graffiti- the Jean -Michelle Basquiat way. Get into the groove and pull out your party gear for this term’s The Louis Vuitton graffiti bag may have seen its day, winter balls. Be seen at Fresh As Snow on Monday 24th or the but don’t be a slave to fashion. Customise your shoes Red Ribbon Ball on Friday 28th November. Await our response with messages. Buy a sale pair of flat pointers from to your attire in, ‘Sara & Nicole’s What Not to Wear: Fashion Office at £19.99 and scribble away. GO ON - You know you want to!! (erm!) Faux Pas Compilation.’ EDITOR:RONOJOY DAM ARTS www.varsity.co.uk Nov 21, 2003 15 ARTS Horror Vision Ronojoy Dam talks to artist Cameron Jamie prior to his UK debut

Cameron Jamie was born in ing reality and releasing their pent- 1969 and raised in the Los up disaffection in pseudo-head- Angeles suburbs of the San locks and headbutts. Fernando Valley. The under- The Melvins intensify this work ground US filmmaker and artist with their deep pounding live describes it as a place “where soundtrack. Formed in 1984 and nothing really happened.There their line-up having included the was a lot of emptiness. I ended bassist of Seattle indie heroes up questioning things a lot: why Mudhoney as well as Shirley things were the way they were. Temple’s daughter, the Melvins were You didn’t have to do very much hugely influential upon the whole to be considered as extreme. grunge movement, being often cit- Just mentioning the word art ed by Nirvana’s Kurt Cobain as a pri- was enough”. Extremity and mary influence. The band develop questioning emerge as funda- the claustrophobic brooding of the mental elements of Jamie’s art screening with their slow and un- and it is obvious that his child- nerving doom-ridden rock. “The col- hood home and upbringing have laboration”, in Jamie’s words, “was had a formative effect and left natural. They are old friends, an in- a lasting impression upon him. novative band who are similarly con- The Institute of Visual Culture ceptual.” However this is not to sug- and the Junction have collaborat- gest that Jamie’s work falls into the ed to present a screening of three category of conceptual art that con- of Jamie’s films to a live soundtrack stitutes a few people in a room star- performed by seminal cult US ing brain-numbingly at a fuzzy tel- hardcore rock trio, the Melvins, evision with serious gazes of intent as part of a nationwide tour that while pretending that their eyes are brings the internationally ac- not hurting and trying to cover up claimed artist to these shores for the dirty thoughts running through the first time. The trilogy: Kranky their minds. “I hate video art,” Jamie Klaus, Spook House and the black proclaims, “I don’t see the point in and white super 8 film BB, explores watching thirty minutes of empty the darker contexts of vernacular landscapes. I like the performance suburban ritualism. Kranky Klaus aspect of the film experience, the idea is set in central Austria’s villages e, Artangel and the artist of my films only being able to be during Christmas time where not seen with the band playing”. only is St. Nicholas’s arrival, bear- Jamie’s films, while unveiling so- ing gifts for the good, expected isual Cultur ciety’s ugly underbelly, also rev- by the local people but so is that of els in the art of the macabre and vi- the mythical beasts, the Krampus, olent. As he explains it, “As well as to punish the bad. The film does dealing with social issues and peo- not centre upon the normal conflict ple’s fear, my films are also highly between good versus evil but in- independent personal medita- stead around the two elements tions.” This imaginative explo- working in unison resulting in the ration of suburban sub-culture and shaggy-coated Krampus embark- its vernacular practices that stands ing upon a brutal rampage of pun- on Jamie - Courtesy Institute of V between the public and the private ishment. The horror theme is fur- and fired in sound and vision, is thered with Spook House, filmed in what provides these showings with by Camer Detroit’s white working-class sub- style, substance and originality but urbs in the run-up to Halloween perhaps most importantly it is with buildings converted into Jamie’s belief that right now, “We

spook houses, corpses prepared for Spook House are living in the apocalypse”. cannibal feasts and ‘vigilantes’ and and fear of violence, interpreting don’t want to imitate and I don’t a Michael Jackson impersonator ‘vampires’ out on the town. the environment into psychologi- perform for an audience.” The and a French prison convict. “BB Three Films by Cameron Jamie with These two films in particular cal trauma. Kranky Klaus is more Paris-based artist has built up a was like an extension of my own live soundtrack music by the Melvins have an explicit horror element to about it being physically personi- quasi-mythical word-of-mouth rep- performance work” explains Jamie, Wednesday 26th November, them but violence is a constant fied. The perception of what is real utation in Europe for his quirky “In 1998 I was the first person to The Junction theme throughout Jamie’s work and what isn’t. Violence is a the- performance art centred upon document the recent phenomenon £10 door/ £7.50 advance/ £5.50 and its poetics is important to him. atrical medium, perfectly suited to wrestling, which saw him dressed of teenage backyard wrestling that limited student tickets “The films explore the different no- the underground ritualism of these up in ridiculous costume and gig- was occurring in suburban LA”. Ring Junction Box Office in tions of violence”, elucidates Jamie, films”. “My art is intense”, says gling like a girl while fighting Kids play out their fantasies of advance on 01223 511 511 “Spook House is about perception Jamie, “It is weird and deliberate. I equally absurd opponents such as identity in make-shift rings, escap- MUSIC EDITOR: ELLEN E. JONES 16 Nov 21, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk Thinking Outside The Beatbox

In the pantheon of gods who walk Henry Bowen talks to beatboxing champ, Killa Kela the earth there is a certain glum Mancunian with an Elvis quiff and Killa Kela is an amazing beat- to Ninja Tune heavyweight DJ and Super Furry Animals”. sic that’s coming out of your mouth, flowers peaked coquettishly out of his box. He produces an incredible Vadim. “I was on the Russian So what can Cambridge expect from people understand that a lot more than trouser pocket. Like the Shakespear- array of beats, scratches, and Percussion tour for two years. We his live show? “Something you’ve if I do a hundred sounds at once com- ean fool, you are part honesty, part noises, entirely with his mouth. did 250 shows in a year, in 18 coun- never experienced: MC Trip will host, ing out of my nose”. And he doesn’t comedy and part bawdysly-winker. And with a guest appearance tries. That got me recognised in the tell me ‘Do this, reverse that snare, even care if you think beatboxing is You are the master of epic melodrama, alongside Justin Timberlake at whole hip-hop scene. Off the back of make that noise’. But at the same time just a fad: “It’s cool, come and see my blacker than sin songwriting and some the N*E*R*D concert in Brixton that I started doing shows in clubs, you don’t even need to watch it, you show and let me make you think oth- truly moving music. But why are you two weeks ago, and a support and just kept building”. can just dance. It’s a spectacle in a erwise!” So get down to the Fez on a god? 1) There’s the song writing that slot on Busta Rhymes’ current Since then he’s been a member of sound system format.” When asked if Tuesday November 25th to experience ranges from the holiday camp cheek- UK tour, he’s getting noticed. the Scratch Perverts and breakdance he’ll fall into the trap of just showing it yourself. iness of Some Girls Are Bigger Than Some of the routines he does legends the Rock Steady Crew, but off his skill rather than entertaining the Others to the plaintive words of Stop sound impossible, but he insists, his main focus now is his own crew, crowd, he says, “If it’s good funky mu- www.killakela.com Me If You’ve Heard This One Before: “the “There’s no tricks, it’s all just about SpitKingdom. “It’s my crew, my pain was enough to make/ a shy bald practice. It’s not so much what I’m family of artists, that’s more or less Buddhist reflect/ and plan a mass doing as what I’m doing with it.” how I roll now”. murder/ Who said I lied to her?”. 2) Unsurprising, then, that he says “I In between his own shows, per- Then there’s the time you famously started at quite an early age, I was forming at award ceremonies and ripped off your shirt on Top of the Pops beatboxing 5 or 6 years ago, but I’ve appearing alongside major rap to reveal the words ‘marry me’. I been making noise and music with stars, he somehow manages to work mean, come on, would Daniel my mouth for as long as I can re- on his new album, the follow-up to Bedingfield ever do that?(eeeeew) 3) member”. Most of us have proba- last summer’s The Permanent For all the accusations of misery bly attempted to beatbox, but when Marker. What can we expect? “On thrown at you, you still represent did Killa Kela realise he could de- The Permanent Marker, I explored a what’s so lacking in modern pop mu- velop it into a career? “I don’t imag- way of making an album without sic, a sense of fun that’s more than Lee ine it to be a career. When you’re so using anything except just a beat- from Blue ‘wackily’ saying he’d shag young, you’ve got to find your feet box. But you can’t translate what an alien, a tongue in cheek approach and keep money coming in. I you hear live. On the new album, I which is more than Christina’s imag- would never call it a career, it’s just do more vocal-led stuff, I’ll sing and ined tongue in your gob. Without hy- a grind.” In case you think that do the beat at the same time, scratch perbole, I (and many others) want to sounds a little bleak, he reassures it up, flip it backwards, change my have your unwanted children. me, “Everything I do is fun. I love voice. We’re incorporating live el- trying to be the best I can be”. ements, plus we’ve got a Pharrell

It all took off when he sent a demo session, tracks with Artful Dodger Courtesy of Sring PR Rephlex UK Tour Blondie The Boatrace, November 14th Corn Exchange, November 14th

Rephlex Records was founded The ethos of Rephlex is clear: the the vocal sample, “peace” over and As Debbie Harry enters the tours, the inevitable introduction of 12 years ago by Grant Wilson artist’s complete refusal to perform, over. Bogdan Raczynski on the oth- stage, you can’t help but feel a lit- ‘The New Material’ removes all mo- Claridge and Richard D. James choosing instead to hide behind their er hand played new, more melodic tle embarrassed. No, not because mentum entirely . New single Good (Aphex Twin to his mother), equipment on an unlit stage, barely material rather than something heav- you secretly ‘still would’, but Boys is memorable only for the mum- who would be Britain’s most even acknowledging the existence ier as afficianados might have ex- because a band as culturally sig- bles of tattooed female devotees pre- famous perveyour of perverted ofthe crowd. But it’s not arrogance. pected. Clever use of melody, to- nificant as hers, owed such hefty tending to have already memorised techno if he didn’t insit on This ‘performace’ style simply turns gether with chiming rhythm patterns musical and stylistic debts by the its lyrics. changing his name so much. To all the focus on to the music. And the underscoring the set, created some Karens and Julians of today, are So the show continues to be celebrate this anniversary ‘DJ music was good enough to stand on fantastic textures. Thanks are also surely deserving of a better trib- plagued; the edge and urgency of their Smojphace’ (guess who?) is its own . It’s not that Rephlex are in- due to promoters Bad Timing, who ute than this. classic singles smothered by the in- joined by labelmates Bogdan accesible exactly, just that they’re ruthlessly provide the Cambridge An overpriced tour of provincial sipid pointlessness of their most recent Raczynski and Astrobotnia for a playing hard to get, and isn’t that al- masses with great quality edifying British venues, audiences cosseted by albums’ efforts. A moment of genius 14 date UK tour, which touched ways sexier? randomness, whether we asked for a thick ozone of Brut and perm lacquer, emerges when a sublime Rapture down in Cambridge last Friday. Astrobotnia, hunched over his lap- it or not. With nights like this, who a setlist usurped in predictability only segues seamlessly into Sugarhill I was once privileged enough to- top, triggered some vintage Rephlex needs days?” by the demand for Snakebite at the Gang’s Rapper’s Delight, Debbie laying hear Gilles Peterson say “It’s all material, the synths snapping and Corn Exchange bar - hardly a suitable down rhymes like only a 58 year-old about the music, all about the good crackling, the beats clattering and Nick Moses and Sebastian swansong for one of the greatest pop can. But this is aptly spoiled by her in- music.” And Friday was just that. stuttering, before melting down into Reynolds groups of all time. But, past glories cast sistence the crowd chant aside and all amps cranked to 11 sim- ‘I…am…somebody’ – making like the COMPETITION ply out of aged necessity, a rousing God Channel while you dream of a Atomic begins the night’s proceedings, sweaty, smoky CBGBs in 1974. To celebrate the November release with Sunday Girl and Dreaming not far of Rephlexions Varsity is giving behind. Yet as is customary on such Jon Swaine away a Rephlex CD plus badges, stickers, wristbands and other such exciting bumf. To win, correctly complete the following statement: “When Afie and Kat got it together on Eastenders I....” .gratefuljoe.com a) “Cried till I got snot on my

velour tracksuit” www b) “Scoffed at the foolish fantasy of love.” c) “Nothing. I was too busy living ight my real life.” Submit answers and donations to [email protected] Felix W EDITOR: ELLEN E. JONES/ISABELA CHICK AND DAISY LEITCH MUSIC/VISUAL ARTS www.varsity.co.uk Nov 21, 2003 17 Michel Dalberto Piano Recital November 10th West Road Concert Hall REVIEWS

When Michel Dalberto sits at raises and lip pouts, he maintained his David Bowie, Never Get Old Out Now Columbia the piano, he relaxes. He precise articulation in both the soft, I don’t like old people. They’re inert, creatively stagnant, and don’t dissolve in reclines into the back of the tatty glistening passages of Odine and in water. And as, over a background of pleasantly twangy funk guitar and self-con- orchestral chair that he prefers the loudest and stormiest parts of sciously 80s synths, Bowie claims he’s ‘never gonna get/never gonna get/never to the conventional piano stool, Scarbo, even when he actually karate- gonna get old’ he appears, ironically, to be displaying some of these characteris- brushes his fingertips over the chopped or fist-thumped the lower tics. Not only are the sentiments of Never Get Old a bit meaningless and vague, keyboard, then leans into the notes at the end of the massive crescen- they’re also untrue. He is old, and unfortunately, this unpleasant fact seeps its way piece he is about to play. dos that descended from the top reg- into the song. Its alright, tuneful, has a nice rhythm, listening to it is more inter- You can tell that he’s done this be- ister of the keyboard. esting than a variety of domestic tasks, and er, that’s it. Was Yaqoob fore. In fact, he’s done a lot over the What was surprising, though, was last thirty years. In 1975, he won the the lack of students in the two-thirds Clara Haskil Prize, which he now full West Road audience. With cheap gives out himself as Chairman of the tickets available on the door, and the The Tenderfoot ,Waking Me Up Again Nov 24th 5:15 Records competition’s Jury. Three years later standard this high, the masses of con- Just as it seemed Brighton couldn’t get much cooler, along come The Tenderfoot he won First Prize in the Leeds certs each day between now and to piss all over our youngest city’s parade. Lacking both the song-writing craft International Piano Competition. He Friday, 28th November, there’s surely and the originality of their hometown cohorts, Waking Me Up Again is so incon- has also won a couple of prizes and no excuse to miss de-stressing to at sequential it practically doesn’t exist. Roughly the musical equivalent of an old much praise for his recordings, which least one concert from this triennial fes- man’s shrug, a lone guitar is strummed apologetically - the band seeming so de- include fourteen CDs of Schubert’s tival. Edward Levene termined to achieve delicate minimalism that they forget to actually include a complete works for piano. song. As if things couldn’t get any worse, singer Darren Moon is virtually Gruff However, in keeping with the Rhys’ vocal twin, leaving you longing for any shred of SFA-esque innovation. CMF’s French theme, Dalberto stuck Dreadful stuff. Jon Swaine to composers from his homeland: Debussy’s Images and Ravel’s Gaspard de la nuit being the highlights of each Big Brovaz, Ain’t What You Do Dec 8th Sony (Riot Recording) half, although set off well with César Last single Baby Boy came complete with a Friends parody video which was, re- Franck’s Prelude, aria et final and markably, even less funny than the actual show. This outing continues the theme Fauré’s Theme et variations, Op 73 and of hip-hip for pre-schoolers. Despite pleading for street credibility, Big Brovaz will Nocturne No 13. always be a group for kidz who think designer labelz really do matter. They’ve Throughout his playing, Dalberto found a formula (about as childish as Blue Peter’s yoghurt pot/ sticky back plas- held an astonishing degree of control tic combination) and they’re sticking to it. Nick a chorus from a song that wasn’t over every aspect of each piece. With great first time round, add waltzy circus beats, over-produced harmonies and put his head continually tilted to one side, the rap into crap. There are no redeeming features to this song. Kate Collier and with quite rhythmical eyebrow Pots about Grayson Perry Stripped Eli Ratcheva on Beauty and the beastly Bare

Nursing a hangover, Grayson A little more information is re- Anthony Caro’s sculpture, The Perry seems every bit the latest quired at this point. Perry is cur- Deposition, in Christ’s enfant terrible of the art world – rently exhibiting alongside the oth- College Chapel shows the brooding, blasé and forbidding. er three Turner prize nominated body of Jesus removed from The label seems much more appro- artists at the Tate Britain and took a the cross and wrapped in a priate to Perry than the Chapman little break from basking in the winding sheet ready for bur- Brothers because the world got used warmth of public reaction to lecture ial, a group of mourners look- to their insistence on working on the to the Visual Arts Society last ing on. same sex/death axis long ago, while Thursday. He is, according to the Situated in the entranceway to Grayson Perry has only recently en- press, the public’s favourite to win. the chapel, it confronts the visitor tered the central arena of public dis- Does he think he will? “I have to” is immediately- a tall mass of curv- dain/adoration as the Essex potter his simple answer. ing metal shapes, striking inter- who jabs at the raw nerve of work- And of course let’s not forget the twined forms, the bronze and cop- ing class England with indecent scrib- numerous opportunities that all this per tones of the beaten metal bles all over his beautifully presented attention gives him to get together giving out undeniable warmth. ceramic vases. with his dressmaker and spin out a Ribbon-like, metal forms hint at His work is so mesmerising and fabulous frock for his alter ego ‘Claire’ figures and individual entities sensually seductive that clients of- to wear out and about. He begins by emerge but never dominate. Within ten neglect to uncover the many describing his first experience of mak- the bending shapes there is space so layers enveloping each pot. Perry ing a pot at the age of eight which co- that the sculpture appears both sol- is particularly pleased with the an- incided with the first stirrings of ex- id and fluid, changing in appearance ecdote about a very respectable citement upon putting on a tight as one circles around it.

lady who bought one of his works, smock to work in. Dressed in his Grayson Perry Caro, a former Christ’s student, Bog Men, without noticing the mother’s clothes at thirteen, he admits quite a big influence on my work always satirical. He describes his hopes The Deposition “like the mu- crude drawing, which he copied “It turned me on”. over the years. It is an interesting working process as “organic messy” sic in the chapel” will “induce a from the walls of a lavatory of two Although he sneers at the ques- lens to look at the world through”. and believes it is rather “poncey” to mood of reflection”. It offers an ob- men doing unspeakable things to tion, “Who makes the work, you or What seems to me to be the great- have a particular drawing style. vious contrast to the most promi- each other. Only later when she Claire?”, his transvestite persona is est influence on his work however, is It might not be conventionally taste- nent of Caro’s Cambridge works: looked at the pot closely did she de- tightly bound with his work. Being a delicate balance between the work ful but his work appeals to art critics the industrial-looking work situ- cide to choose another. But let’s face married to a psychotherapist gave of Aubrey Beardsley and images and the public alike precisely because ated on the concrete outside it, a choice between gun-toting ba- him better understanding of his drawn from ‘amateur porn mags’. He of this concoction of the naff and Churchill College. Together, these bies, foul-mouthed little girls and early ceramics: “my subconscious likes the juxtaposition between the fetishistic, sprinkled with a good two sculptures demonstrate the suicides all against a background was still leaking out all over the expectations people have from his measure of phallic imagery and good lively diversity of Caro’s unique of gold and decorative penises place” and led him to realise that beautiful pieces and their content – old-fashioned hands-on craftiness. sculptures in metal. verges on the limited. “psychotherapy in general has been jarring, purposefully provocative and Mischievous and catholic all in one. Ursula Davies

EDITOR: ELAINE TIERNEY LITERATURE www.varsity.co.uk Nov 21, 2003 19

Alex loses himself in Labyrinths by Jorge Luis Borges

Martyn is reading Pulp by Ronojoy learns lessons from Greil Marcus’ Lipstick Traces Charles Bukowski Readers’ Lives

“It must be great having all that jaunt to somewhere better, but what talgia for a time when a book was a time to read.” of other readers? There is an aesthetic story, and much more than just You’d think, studying- or as these quality to looking at other people “words on a page”. Not that it’s re- parts term it “reading”- English. In read, watcher and watched, “each at grettable to refine one’s approach be- my own Tripos experience it’s been, our own trade.” Of course, saying so yond, “I feel…”, but to not let this more often than not, The Shepherd’s is an excuse to quote Frank O’Hara’s polish slip to the sort of dryness, Calendar. (And you’d need a fairly sublime St Paul and All That (one I which has forgotten what all the fuss twisted idea of a good time to find never pass up), “I read what you was about in the first place. the fun in that one.) Simply, even jad- read / you do not read what I read/ These rather amateur photo- ed English finalists make time to which is right, I am the one with the graphs are, I suppose, a study of a read for pleasure. Perhaps, it may be curiosity/ you read for some mys- pastime which manages to be both accounted a more pressing need: a terious reason / I simply read be- shared and personal. Readers read reminder of why you chose to spend cause I am a writer.” books that others have read before. three years at the most literal kind of Thinking back to stories read as a And yet, their experience of – and book learning. kid, and I remember the ones I’d enthusiasm for- the book in hand Francine pretends not to get In one’s own self centred circle, a readily miss dinner to finish. It’s nos- gives it quite a different shape. excited by Vladimir Nabokov’s Helen reads Stoppard’s Lolita Indian Ink

Daisy, John Updike & Roger’s Version Zubin with J R Ackerley’s Hindoo Holiday Frank O’Hara’s Poems mesmerise Elaine

Noah intent on Gore Ruskin rocks Tom’s world Vidal’s Essays

Angela perplexed by James Kate reading Tony Fran reads Jack Mapanje’s Joyce’s Ulysses Harrison’s Poems Chameleons and Gods THEATRE EDITOR:A C BERWICK 20 Nov 21, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk Funky Fresh, Dressed to Impress... Charlotte Holden takes a shufty at what the first years have to offer ‘A play by David Mamet’: the ing evil, doesn’t like the idea of a screen of the chaotic ants’ nest of simple caption of the ADC’s The young upstart threatening to “close all Chicago life, as the spotlight flits from ADC Water Engine. Mamet’s name is a factories” with his new gadget. scene to scene, giving the eye no signature for ‘plainspeak’: distil- Dread set in from the beginning. As respite as one overlaps another. lation of abstract dialogue into I waited with high hopes for the cur- I came away feeling frazzled. This the crackling of raw confronta- tains to rise, the clouds from the smoke could have been a masterpiece of tion. The background is a copper- machines cleared only to reveal a sin- Kafkaesque nightmare, the puzzling plate brick wall, along with the gle three-legged stool at the centre of sights and sounds an effective back- sprawled stars and stripes. This the stage; my heart sank at this most ground for the central plight of Lang was going to be a very gritty take threatening symbol of the worst pre- in his bureaucratic maze. However, I on the good ol’ US of A. tensions of ‘back-to-basics’ theatre… didn’t really have time to think about At a glance the plot seems a little Any attack on the sweetness of the that. The quieter moments of contrast clichéd. Set in 1930s Chicago, the play American Dream could indeed be in provided a few dark spaces for reflec- centres around Charles Lang, the in- danger of swinging towards sour tion, but there weren’t enough. ventor of a water-powered engine. grapes, becoming equally clichéd in The keystone that supports this dis- one is unsure whether to love or hate cluding soundbite is a shirking reali- Robert Heaps gives an admirably sub- its naïveté. However, the director’s ap- cord is the symbolic persona of Uncle him. Well, that’s what the American ty check before the curtains fall to the tle portrayal of this fluffy-haired ge- proach is to augment the plot with a Sam (Jay Miller). His voice is raucous, Dream’s all about, honey. eerie tinklings of light jazz. Was this all nius whose life passion is his scien- counterattacking saccharine overload his yankee drawl grating the ear al- Arching his back as he lurches bow a nightmare? Or a dream? You decide. tific drawing. Hoping to patent his of sound and visuals, like a dramatic most as much as his gaudy stars-and- legged about the playroom, his clum- invention, he falls into the grip of take on Phil Spector’s ‘wall of sound’. stripes costume dazzles the gaze. sy yet powerful movements steal the The Water Engine runs at the ADC, lawyer Lawrence Oberman, who, be- The stage becomes a packed split Combined with cherubic good looks, show, in a profound sense. His con- 7.30, every night until Saturday Theatre most shows a man: speak that I may see thee

Odds were stacked against CADS formance from Harry Adamson in the biguity and a Machiavellian flavour posted in the Director’s Notes and yet plished production, funny where it in staging Volpone, a rarely seen difficult title-role. The acting was gen- to Mosca. not avoided. The ‘insipidity’ of Celia is meant to be and morally disturbing Jacobean comedy with demand- erally thrilling, demonstrating real The direction was slick and – cru- is essential in demonstrating her sub- where required. That it falls flat in cer- ing roles and a bleak theme. It’s command of 17th century verse, a skill cially – the play’s transposition to the jugation in a patriarchal society: sex- tain directorial additions is tribute to success is therefore to the utmost so precious in student productions. Of Victorian era was successful: it had a ual shenanigans with Mosca do not its willingness to innovate, which suc- credit of the director and actors. particular note were Jez Jameson and definite Dickensian feel, evoked by avail this. However, the homoerotic ceeds brilliantly elsewhere. Rarely was there a discordant scene Martin Brown who gave vigorous per- melodramatic direction and Jonson’s tension between Volpone and Mosca Oliver Tilley in what proved a fascinating render- formances as the ageing Corbaccio and two-dimensional characterisation. proved far more effective and illumi- ing of Jonson’s masterpiece, with a imperious Corvino respectively, while One clear and, for me, perplexing nated their relationship well. Volpone runs every night at Christ’s barnstorming and yet subtle per- Michael Winawer brought sexual am- fault was the misplaying of Celia: sign- CADS has presented an accom- New Court Theatre, 7.15, until Saturday Let’s drink and make Merry

Franz Lehar’s The Merry Widow is an Valencienne’s thumb and everyone under operetta about love, greed, patriotism Anna’s spell, portrayed as a wonderful tease – and intrigue. Central to the plot are two all eyebrows and smiles – by Charmian Shipp. love affairs, that of Valencienne (wife of The impressive voices of Kathryn Lilley the gullible Baron Zeta) and the (Valencienne) and Nigel Murfitt (Camille) came Frenchman Camille, and of the merry across particularly in their Act I duet, ‘A highly widow Anna Glavari - heiress of 20 mil- respectable wife’, and other musical highlights lions - and her old flame Count included Danilo (Graham Gemmell)’s beauti- Danilovitsch, who are too proud to admit ful song, ‘You’ll find me at Maxim’s’ and the Act they still care for each other. II Finale, a sextet in which all the principals Before the couples can be reunited express their feelings, with Patrick O’Brien’s (Valencienne with her husband and Anna with bumbling Baron at his most bemused. A men- Danilo) there is plenty of hilarious confusion tion must also go to the Jeeves-like Njegus and strife. (Simon Merrington) whose gangly butler was The women seem to have the control around brilliant throughout, from his first ferrero-rocher- here, as the men acknowledge in their despair- bearing entrance to his gallant saving of ing comic ensemble ‘Women!’. Camille is under Valencienne’s honour. The words were clear and the twists in the plot (which looked scary in the synopsis) easy to follow. Though there were occasional cringe-worthy puns, the poetry was mostly witty, and the occasional off-stage prompts were easily forgiven. You may start by thinking the production overwhelmingly cheesy, but there comes a point at which you relax and accept that the only way of dealing with a script like this is to ham it up as much as possible Not recommended for anti-Gilbert and Sullivan snobs, this is unchallenging entertain- ment at its best, full of laughs and sing-along tunes, as well as an impressive and well-direct- ed amateur cast.

Hazel Norton-Hale

The Merry Widow runs at the Arts Theatre, Polly Griffiths Black Tie night in the Crystal Maze every night 7.30, until Saturday EDITOR:A C BERWICK / DUNCAN BARRETT THEATRE/ FILM www.varsity.co.uk Nov 21, 2003 21 Good intentions pave the way A quick ‘alf Nobody ever said that writing a in both the obsessions which lie be- formance. Boyd seems to have been play was an easy thing to do. I’m hind this act of murder, and allusions more concerned with bringing out the Luke is one of life’s victims. He sure Elizabeth Boyd was aware of to the practice of dissecting executed ‘poetry’ of her script, than with pre- tries hard, but the nonchalant that when she set out to write convicts (inspired by the anatomy law senting Joseph as a human being: sure- cool that appears to come so im Key T and direct The Readiest Way to of 1752). It is a fascinating premise. ly the one thing that any play about a effortlessly to others consistently Hell. Perhaps it’s stating the obvi- It is disappointing, therefore, that murderer ought to do. This insensi- evades him. Exploited by his ous, then, to call this is an ambi- the play fails to address fully any tivity is particularly evident in the mates and besotted with a girl he tious project whose very exis- of the issues it raises: Joseph’s at- murder scene itself: the act is commit- could never realistically hope to tence is an impressive achieve- tempted explanation of what drove ted quickly, cleanly and without any get, the only thing he can rely on ment in itself. It is a pity that the him to kill is impeded by pseudo- sense of the brutality motivating it. The is the fruit machine in the corner. production fails to live up to the philosophical verbosity, delivered scene is unpleasant to watch, not be- However, ultimately even this ambition which fired it. with unconvincing urgency. Ben cause of what actually happens, but betrays him. The play centres around Joseph (Ben Willis has stage presence, but his because it fails dismally to portray the The set of Luke and Stella is austere – Willis), an 18th century gentleman character is 1-dimensional. true horror of murder. a stool and a perimeter of beer bot- about to be executed for having mur- This is perhaps a problem with di- There are some promising flashes: tles the only concessions to reality – dered a young woman. The story is of recting a script one has written one- interesting performances, particular- but for an hour the stage becomes a Tim Key has created an exception- a morbid fascination with the internal self: a more objective director could ly by Willis and Isabelle Schoelcher, lively pub thanks to Tim Key’s confi- al piece of theatre. Luke is so pitiless- components of the human body, seen have drawn a less self-indulgent per- but which are sadly in need of devel- dent control of the space and a fault- ly and yet sensitively observed that opment; some nice moments of dia- less soundtrack. The use of back- were the play not so funny, it would logue; and elegant lighting. But the ground noise – the muffled PAsystem be excruciating. The direction is ener- production is fundamentally let down in the toilets, the “ker-ching!” of the getic, ensuring that the audience does by its inability to convince or enlight- fruit machine and the bustle of voices not lose their sense of involvement, en. A play which could not manage taken from the nearby Regal – notably and benefits from deft touches, such this was never going to succeed, but enhances the transformation. as the eye-traced paths of Luke’s con- when the play in question was about The scene changes do occasionally versants as they walk away. a murderer, it was never going to seem encumber the fluency of the perform- Short enough to be a stopover be- anything other than naïve and crass. ance, but this becomes unobtrusive to- fore a club, meaningful enough to feel Credit where credit’s due: this is a wards the end, when Key switches worthwhile and funny enough to en- brave attempt. Which makes it all swiftly between characters in a heart- sure a good night out, Luke and Stella the more sad that it doesn’t quite hit rending confrontation that avoids de- is one not to be missed. the mark. scending into crass melodrama. By in- troducing Macker, the object of Luke’s Hannah Kowszun Hazel Pearson fear and pity, Key includes an antag- onistic dynamic to both the play and Luke and Stella runs at the Corpus The Readiest Way to Hell runs at Luke’s character, and also showcases Playroom, 9.15, until Saturday

ADC the Playroom, 7.00, until Saturday the flexibility of his acting talent. Mum’s the word Archie Bland is swept off his feet by The Mother

People are forever banging on for roles in Dinnerladies and ed story is by no means perfect, and about breaking taboos. Nothing Coronation Street – and on this evi- relies on more than a few clunking pleases artists more than the idea dence that is a terrible waste. She stereotypes for its underlying familial that no-one has ever been quite has an extraordinary ability to slip psychology – sister jealous of little as daring as they are, that they’re suddenly from one mode to anoth- brother, mother not loving enough breaking new barriers in the dis- er, so that when you are watching to daughter because not respected cussion of human experience, her being a mother she will sud- enough by father, youth of today self- that they are – that terrible, over- denly change somehow and look absorbed and unfeeling about the used word – groundbreaking. like a woman, vibrantly, defiantly problems of age, grandchildren un- But Roger Michell’s The Mother sensual. Her transformation is per- ruly because parents too busy being does, I think, break a real taboo: old fectly pitched, and few films this middle class, and so on. people having sex. Old women, at year have had more memorable or What it lacks in subtlety, howev- least. You’ll see fat old men having affecting pivotal moments than er, it makes up in sheer emotional sex a fair bit on the silver screen - May’s redemptive gasp that she energy and honesty: the writing, anything to do with the fact that pro- thought no-one else would touch and therefore the direction, never ducers and studio executives hap- her but the undertaker. shy away from making the audi- pen to be fat old men too? Surely Hardly less good is her leading ence uncomfortable. (Many and of- not. But the fairer sex, when they man, Daniel Craig, who captures ex- ten were the embarrassed giggles reach a certain age, rarely get beyond actly the uncertainty of his charac- at the Picturehouse, and not only the confines of a very specialist sort ter Darren’s position - it would be during the sex scene. If nothing of movie, unless they want to play easy to paint him as a moral coward, else, see this to be entertained by sweet old biddies, or are Judi Dench. or, at the other end of the spectrum, a the reactions of your fellow audi- Anne Reid’s performance suggests hero who disregards society for the ence members – the gasp at the first it should happen more often, because sake of his true love, and Craig avoids kiss was hilarious.) she is absolutely magnificent as May, this pitfall. As he despairs at one Unfortunately the whole excellent the mother in question, who, in the af- point, it’s a fallacy to think anything shebang is let down a little by the end- termath of her husband’s death, em- is deliberate: he, like everyone, is sim- ing. Darren’s behaviour is too glibly barks on an affair with her daughter’s ply making it up as he goes along. textbook in its motivation and fails thirty-something lover. At the begin- The supporting cast is fine, and fea- to convince, or arouse our sympathies. ning of the film she seems like – well tures a sad and rather moving cameo Nevertheless, beautifully pho- – just an old woman; by the end she is from Oliver Ford Davies, more often tographed and boldy directed, The a fully realised human being, with seen on stage; Cathryn Bradshaw is Mother is a rare treat. And you get to all the flaws and graces that implies. a little monotonous as daughter Paula, see her boobs. Reid has had a fairly low-key act- but that’s a flaw of the writing as much

ing career to date – she is best known as the performance. Kureishi’s adapt- On at the Arts Picture House image.net SPORT EDITORS: SHANAZ MUSAFER AND ALEX DRYSDALE 22 Nov 21, 2003 www.varsity.co.uk

Gavin It’s the taking part that counts: Versi the tale of three sporting failures

United States vs Europe, 1991 to win the final hole of the final Jimmy White, 1994 World Sheffield crowd as White missed that 100m final fairly easily, Christie was Ryder Cup match and with it retain the Cup. Championship Snooker Final black echoed in living rooms the as focused as ever as he stood on the The infamous “War on the Weighing up the putt, there was Jimmy White is a national hero. As length and breadth of the country. This line. Having spoken often about go- shore”, taking place on South not a whisper to be heard as every much for his habit of losing in the fi- was too much to bear. ing “on the ‘B’ of the ‘bang’”, Christie Carolina’s Kiawah Island, came spectator fell mute, in fearful an- nal of the World Snooker A misty-eyed White reflected on negated this with a nervous false-start. during the conflict in the Gulf. ticipation of how Langer was to Championships as for his charismat- his fourth final defeat by Hendry with Furrow brows. The runners stood up, Though staunch wartime allies, na- strike the ball. He stepped up, ad- ic style of play. He first reached the characteristic, unforgettable humour: the tension palpable. Down they went tionalistic fervour was apparent in dressed the ball, and drew back his final in 1984, then four consecutive fi- “He’s beginning to annoy me now”. once more. Another false start. Christie both camps, particularly the putter in the manner he always nal defeats, from 1990 to 1993 had us Linford Christie, 1996 Olympic again. He was out. Americans’. Indeed, US player would. A putt he would have made all wondering whether Our Jimmy 100m Final Linford removed the upper portion Cory Pavin sported an army-style at least seven out of ten times be- would ever fulfil his life’s dream. The I grew up watching Linford of his leotard, and held his head in his camouflage cap for the final-day came something like a 10-1 shot in following year he had his best chance. Christie run. A fast-talking man of hands, as his farewell ended in the singles, violently pumping his fists the pressure-cooker atmosphere of At 17-all in his sixth final White was remarkable bulk, he gave me much joy most painful manner possible. It was after every other shot. the War on the Shore. He missed. at the table, building a break that during the early to mid-nineties with a cruel and ill-fitting end to a glitter- The lead changed hands on many Europe fell to its knees. The Cup would seal him the title. But a routine countless grand prix wins and major ing career. To add insult to injury a new occasions over the weekend until, as was reclaimed by the Americans. black stayed in the jaws of the pocket, event medals. world record was set by Donovan fate would have it, Europe’s And the margin of victory/defeat? allowing old adversary Stephen 1996 was to be his final bow, his Bailey in the race. Christie could only Bernhard Langer had a six-foot putt A few millimetres. Hendry to clear. The gasps of the swansong. Qualifying for the Olympic stand by and watch. Catz women Darwin and Girton play out bore draw thrash Fitz The visitors had a strong spell COLLEGE FOOTBALL midway through the first half and COLLEGE HOCKEY began creating chances, but the aeri- Alex Mair Ben Reeve ally-adept Darwin back four seemed to be impenetrable with goalkeeper Sam Richardson Girton and Darwin cancelled Pete Brown on commanding form. Catz cemented their challenge each other out as the top of the In a gritty second half, both teams for the women’s hockey title table clash ended in a 0-0 draw. were irritated by some inconsistent with a 6-0 victory over Fitz.The Both teams came into this en- refereeing. Darwin dominated in the game was something of a counter with high expectations, air and came close to scoring twice grudge match after Fitz recent- Darwin, fresh from an impres- near full-time, with a Matthew Reeves ly knocked Catz’s second team sive 3-2 victory over Downing, strike just missing the near post. But out of Cuppers on penalties. and Girton with three wins from neither team could edge ahead. Nomad Louise Garvin proved three in league and cup match- The draw was a fair reflection of the key player in a Catz team es so far this season. a scrappy game in which neither Darwin and Girton battle for the ball in a 0-0 draw stacked with a combination of Darwin’s Captain Dave Cooper goalkeeper was really tested. In Cuppers, Jesus beat Pembroke scored with a towering header, and University players and promising was missing through injury, but Sidelined Girton Captain Geordie 5-0 in the only all first division tie. Sam Vardy popped up at the back- freshers. She scored four goals, in- watched on as his boys applied ear- Bob commented, “We went in hop- Laurence Brenig-Jones gave Jesus a post to make it 3-0 by half-time. Will cluding a spectacular short corner. ly pressure, and Girton were caught ing to hammer them again, but they deserved lead with a low shot, and Stevenson, fresh from a slating in Louise Edwards and Helen Lloyd on the back foot in the opening min- matched us out there and we know after that Jon Young’s side didn’t Varsity, then added two goals, one also added their names to the utes of a very physical game. we can play better football than that”. look back. The captain himself of which literally broke the net. score-sheet. Skipper Ali Roland told Varsity that “hopefully it’s all good news in time for Cuppers”. However Caius and de- Jesus Barr Catz from race for rugby title fending champions Jesus are also un- in the Jesus twenty-two under the defence to make it 21-10 on the hour. ing, and a large array of support- beaten, and may have something to COLLEGE RUGBY absurd mark rule. Rallied by Tom ‘The ginger bul- ers providing chat from the touch- say come the end of the season. But Jesus struck back in a similar let’ Fursdon, and with Will Jagger line, Jesus look like a force to be In the men’s league, Jesus Sam Richardson manner. Micky Barr took a superb playing expertly, Catz fought reckoned with this season. thrashed the highly-fancied Emma catch on half-way, and after the re- strongly, but Fursdon’s penalty But to take the title they need 8-0, but with John’s and Magdalene Jesus reasserted their position sulting scrum the incisive James was all they had to show for their Adam Brown’s in-form John’s side still undefeated, Sam Grimshaw’s as the main threat to St John’s, Chervak scored with a darting run. efforts before Jesus skipper Brian to slip up, which may be unlikely af- men will have their work cut out to with a 28-13 victory over Catz. The teams went in at 10-10. Fitzherbert finished an open-side ter they routed Fitz 57-0. Peterhouse- retain their title. Both kickers scored penalties in The ice cool David Ingall gave move to complete the scoring. Selwyn were beaten 29-12 by Christ’s look determined to the nervy opening exchange, be- Jesus the lead with a penalty, as both With an all-Etonian second row, Downing, although skipper Marcus bounce straight back from last fore Jeremy Langridge took ad- teams became frustrated by some the tireless Rich Houston everpre- Nelson said his men were “robbed year’s relegation, going top of vantage of a gap in the Jesus de- dubious refereeing until the out- sent at the breakdown, Tom Ogden by some fat forwards denying some Division Two, beating Girton 3-1. fence, following a scrum awarded standing Barr ran outside the Catz providing some deft tactical kick- scintillating back play”.

Men’s Hockey - Div 1 Men’s Hockey - Div 2 Women’s Hockey - Div 1 Men’s Football - Div 1 Men’s Football - Div 2 P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts P W D L GF GA Pts Robinson 4 3 0 1 31 11 6 Christ’s 2 2 0 0 13 1 4 Caius 3210917 Girton 3 2 1 0 4 1 7 Churchill 3 2 1 0 6 3 7 Magdalene 3 3 0 0 12 2 6 Selwyn 3201844 Catz 2200806 Darwin 4 2 1 1 5 8 7 Caius 3210867 Jesus 3 2 0 1 13 4 4 Corpus 3201334 Girton 3 1 1 1 2 4 4 Catz 2200916 St John’s II 3 2 0 1 8 3 6 St John’s 2 2 0 0 10 4 4 Clare 2110403 Jesus 1100203 Downing 2 1 0 1 12 3 3 Robinson 3 2 0 1 9 10 6 Caius 2200734 Trinity Hall 3 1 1 1 4 3 3 Emma 1100213 St John’s 2 1 0 1 5 2 3 Emma 2101623 Emma 42028164 Jesus II 3 1 1 1 6 9 3 New Hall 3 1 0 2 2 4 3 Jesus 2101143 Homerton 2 1 0 1 3 3 3 Cam City 2 1 0 1 4 3 2 Girton 3 1 0 2 5 4 2 Trinity 3 0 2 1 2 3 2 Long Road 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 Selwyn 2101343 Sidney 2 1 0 1 4 5 2 Trinity 2 0 2 0 1 1 2 Queens’ 3 0 2 1 1 2 2 Fitz 1001130 Fitz II 3102683 Catz 4 1 0 3 8 13 2 Churchill 3 1 0 2 5 9 2 Fitz 3 0 0 3 0 13 0 Trinity 2 0 0 2 0 3 0 Kings 2002130 Pembroke 3 0 0 3 2 11 0 Fitz 2011121 Pembroke 2 0 0 2 0 12 0 Queens’ 3 0 0 3 2 10 0 Queens’ 2 0 0 2 1 11 0 Peterhouse 2 0 0 2 0 14 0 Downing 3 0 0 3 4 21 0 Visit our newly redesigned website at www.varsity.co.uk EDITORS: SHANAZ MUSAFER AND ALEX DRYSDALE SPORT www.varsity.co.uk Nov 21, 2003 23 Cooke’s athletic ambition SPORT IN BRIEF I’ve taken it up again this year so we’ll Women’s athletics captain Alex see how it goes. Basketball

Cooke talks to Shanaz Musafer I’ve just taken up boxing as well Ed Sharp and that’s taking up quite a bit of time, The Blues Basketball team faced Birmingham in a close contest. The first and then also I do cross-country! It quarter saw Blues guard Adam Wolpaw lead all scorers with an impressive What are the training facilities like sounds like I do a lot of sports, but they 13 points. In the second quarter, Birmingham’s zone initially presented prob- for athletics? do actually complement each other. lems to Cambridge, who eventually found solutions in the form of relent- Well the track is meant to be the You were in a car accident... less penetration moves from Wolpaw and sharp shooting from Blues Captain biggest in the country, we’ve got a Yes, it was August 2002. I was and point-guard John Papadopoulos. The half-time score was 40-36. Despite beautiful pavilion, and we’ve got driving home from work and this two consecutive 3-pointers from Birmingham which brought the match back showers, a bar and lockers. And no- car pulled out in front of me and I to within 2 points, the Blues finally took command of the game by going on body uses it! I think people just think went smack into it. I got winded a 15-0 run. The quarter ended strongly for Cambridge, thanks to inspira- that you’ve got to be really good to use and I thought that was my main tional play by Blues forward Marc Farrell. Entering the fourth period with the track. The amount of times I’ve problem. Then I realised my knee a 19 point lead, the Blues had to take care not to get too comfortable. Despite said to people, “It’s a University track, hurt and I lifted up my skirt and Cooke receives the Fresher’s Varsity tro- early scoring from Birmingham, Cambridge re-discovered their form phy for the women’s team of course you can go down there. there were bones on show and a slit with forward Jack Hodd providing much of the scoring. Amonstrous high- You’re allowed to use it and you don’t going across. I went to hospital and You fell out with last year’s flying dunk from Blues captain and centre Richard Edden (thanks to have to pay.” It’s next to the hockey got it sewn up but I didn’t really President after a certain inci- Wolpaw’s off-the-backboard pass) confirmed Cambridge’s dominance in pitches on Wilberforce Road, and even have much advice. Then when I got dent. Would you like to put for- this game and they comfortably prevailed 86 – 62. The next home match is the hockey people don’t use it! back to Cambridge I completely ward your side? on December 3 at home vs. Leicester. Latest information and fixtures can be How do you rate Cambridge’s overtrained and basically I just It took place at the Christmas found at www.cubbc.com chances in this year’s Varsity match? buggered up my whole leg because party last year. It wasn’t well at- I think both men and women it hadn’t healed properly tended but we had people there Water Polo have a good chance. The good thing Now, whenever I talk to people at and we had some very young girls about Varsity matches generally in training I tell them, “You’ve got to rest there who were quite naïve. Then On the 15th November, Cambridge Ladies’ Water Polo Team travelled different sports, is that they’re very and eat properly and sleep properly.” Nav [Childs] starts doing a strip to Wales for a friendly against Cardiff University’s team. Cardiff (semi- evenly matched because everyone I don’t think people give their bodies tease, and you laugh but you’re not finalists in BUSA last year) had beaten them in their last two encounters has got the same work ethic – you’ve enough time to recover. expecting the person to take every- and the Light Blues were missing five of their starting seven. This was gone to uni to work and sport is What are your personal ambitions thing off and walk round the room! a baptism of fire for five new Cambridge recruits who were literally more of a hobby. Between Oxford for this year? I was thinking about it the next day, thrown in at the deep end. At the end of the match, with a final score of and Cambridge, it’s going to be To get the 400m record! To recruit so I sent an email saying, “Great par- 20-12 to Cardiff, Cambridge were bruised, battered and beaten, but bol- close, it’s going to be down to on the women to the team and hopefully ty Nav, really enjoyed it, but maybe stered by a strong performance from an inexperienced team. day who’s not injured. they will enjoy athletics, and get the next time don’t take all of your clothes You’ve played international lacrosse best out of people. To be honest I’m off because what if someone had Rowing as well. How do you have time for not even thinking about Varsity right walked in, it would have looked re- everything? now. I like Varsity, I think it’s really ally bad.” He sent this round to the Saturday’s British Indoor Rowing Championships saw the lightweight row- I’ve just taken lacrosse up again. I good fun and it’s nice to have a tar- whole male list of the club, saying ers of CULRC build on their successes at the Fours Head. They came away went to the Under-19 World Cup, then get. But I think too much focus can some not very nice things. So that’s with a host of strong performances, including several personal best scores when I came back I was captain of the be put on it, so that if you lose it how our relationship deteriorated and 5 of the top 16 finishes in the BUSALwt. category. The highlights of the Under-18 team in my last year at you’re going to be left with a bitter quite quickly from then on! day, though, were medal winning rows from Andy Hudson (Queens’) school. I played a little bit when I first taste. Whereas if you don’t focus and Tom Dyson (Robinson), who secured bronze in the BUSAand U18 Lwt. got to Cambridge but then I gave up on it and have a great year, if you win The full-length interview can be competitions respectively. The squad now looks forward to next Sunday’s because I didn’t have enough time. But Varsity then it’s a great bonus. found at www.varsity.co.uk/sport racing at York Small Boats Head.

Here are some of the Women win Freshers’ Varsity Match Varsity team’s top day however was by Kosnatu Abdulai sporting moments: FRESHERS’ ATHLETICS in the long and triple jumps. Despite England’s 1966 World Cup the awful conditions the John’s student win. Hat-trick hero Geoff Rob Coles and Rich Wheater managed to win both events, achiev- Hurst goes down as an ing the Blues’ standard in the latter. England legend alongside The 59th annual Athletics Fresher’s The men’s team meanwhile suf- the likes of King Arthur Varsity Match took place in Oxford fered an overall 91-81 loss. Stuart and St George. last week seeing a promising set of Forbes decimated the field to win the Alex Drysdale performances from Cambridge ath- 800m, silencing a cocky Oxford crowd. letes despite the dreadful condi- Pembroke’s Anthony Green had led The Rumble in the Jungle: tions.The day was capped by a light coming into the home straight before Muhammad Ali vs George Foreman. The greatest at blue victory in the women’s event. falling, thus denying the light blues a his best. Magic. The women’s match continued on deserved victory. Nevertheless both Rajan Lakhani from the precedent set in last year’s Forbes and Green look like accom- Varsity Match proper with Cambridge plished runners and should make their Not many people can say triumphing comfortably over their mark come the main event in May. their top sporting moment dark blue counterparts by a score of 95 Martin Bock’s imposing perform- came at Selhurst Park. I to 84. On top of this tremendous team ances all over the track signalled what was in the grandstand effort however there were also nu- a huge asset to the team he will be though the day of Eric merous outstanding individual efforts. whilst Simon Bulley made the transi- Cantona’s infamous kung fu kick... Sue Edwards won both the 100 and tion to the slightly heavier senior Sam Richardson 400m hurdles emphasising light blue throwing implements well, winning dominance in this discipline, while the Hammer and Discus comfortably. Northern Ireland 1-0 Spain, Teresa Winstead of Wolfson matched The match finished on a high for 1982 World Cup. The this achievement with a double victo- Cambridge with dogged victories in Irishmen lead by Pat ry in Javelin and Shot. Back on the both the men and women’s 4x400m Jennings hang on for one of the biggest upsets in World track the outstanding Katie Skelding relays while the excellent team spirit Cup history. broke two match records in a sprint- was also praised by CUAC President Mark Adair ing masterclass to leave Oxford reel- Richard Wheater: “It was an awesome ing and she later returned to bring day with lots of good performances, E-mail yours to sport@varsi- Cambridge home in both relays. The especially considering the conditions. ty.co.uk Ed Sharp Kosnatu Abdulai leaps to victory in the long jump most spectacular performance of the We really performed well as a team”. BACK TO WINNING WAYS ew Sims Andr

Sion Lewis celebrates his second goal of the game after putting Cambridge 2-0 up. The win puts Cambridge on eight points, only one point behind Lincoln in the table won three out of three, anything less not to go for in the first place, with ing been sent tumbling to the ground edge of their penalty area. Lewis was BLUES FOOTBALL than a win would have been a serious four of their players receiving yel- by a late tackle. The Lincoln team too mystified by the decision, believing blow to their title hopes. As skipper low cards. Although they had slight- kept the physio busy, with a couple that the whistle had gone for an off- Shanaz Musafer Chris Fairbairn said after the match, ly the better of the opening twenty of their players needing treatment side Lincoln player, only to find him- “It means that we’ve made a good start minutes, they soon became frustrat- after clashes in the penalty box. self penalised for what one can only BLUES 2 to the season. If we’d lost that it would ed at their inability to penetrate the The Blues had chances to make it assume was shirt-pulling. have only been average”. Cambridge defence. two before half time, the best of which Everyone stood and watched as LINCOLN UNI 1 The win came courtesy of two From then on the Blues dominat- fell to Fairbairn but his glancing head- Mark Tyrrell stepped up and curled a headers from St John’s stalwart Sion ed the game, playing neat possession er went wide of the right hand post. left-footed shot past Joe Garrood, who In a week which saw defeats for Lewis, whose all-round performance football and duly taking the lead The second goal came in the sec- also unfortunately just stood and all the home nations, as England was vital to the Blues’ win. Having when Lewis beat the stranded Lincoln ond half, via another well-executed watched. The goal gave Lincoln hope slipped up against Denmark and moved from right back to the centre goalkeeper to head in from Dave Cambridge set piece. Harding of snatching something from the game both Scotland and Wales saw of defence in the recent absence of Harding’s free kick. Landing awk- played a short corner to Johnny but Cambridge remained composed their dreams of qualifying for the injured Ben Allen, Lewis mar- wardly though, he needed a few min- Hughes and his cross was met by the in defence and held firm. Euro 2004 shattered, the Blues shalled the back four superbly, which utes to recover before he could cele- powerful head of Lewis. Fairbairn was delighted to inflict a avoided the jitters that seemed to included Girton’s whizzkid Alex brate the goal with his team-mates. Cambridge were cruising and first defeat upon Lincoln: “I’m very be going round and took a huge Mugan making his debut at left back. This was only one in a long line will be disappointed not to have kept pleased with the performance. We de- step forward in their bid for pro- Lincoln had arrived ready for a of injuries throughout the match, a clean sheet. But with fifteen min- fended superbly,” he said. The result motion with a magnificent victo- tough encounter, with none of their which was extended by a good 15 utes to go, the referee, who was hav- will give the Blues a huge boost going ry over league leaders Lincoln. players pulling out of any 50-50 chal- minutes of overall injury time. The ing an inconsistent game, awarding into a vital week of BUSA action. On Going into the match having lenges. In fact, they didn’t pull out twinkle-toed Harry Hughes had al- free kicks one way and then giving Wednesday they travel to Leicester to dropped points in their last two league of many tackles at all, even ones that ready departed from the pitch after them the other, signalled for a play De Montfort Uni and return trips games, and facing opponents who had it perhaps would have been wiser half an hour holding his head, hav- Cambridge foul on the right hand to Lincoln and Derby follow. Lewis kicks Saints to touch Varsity Rugby Competition Throughout the match, the Blues mountain to climb at 15-5. BLUES RUGBY were causing the Midlands outfit Northampton’s play became dirti- Win the complete Varsity Rugby day out problems on their lineouts, success- er as the game wore on, with the Rajan Lakhani fully turning over possession on a scrum-half not scared to put his boot To win tickets to both the Twickenham match and the Official Varsity number of occasions. Northampton’s in and a minor fight broke out, al- Ball with the players at Café de Paris, just answer the question below: tactics were less astute as they tried to though to be honest this was no BLUES 21 rattle Cambridge’s temperament with Barrera vs Pacquiao epic. Luckily all What is the official name of the Cambridge University second rugby bouts of petulance. However, as half- this was only a temporary glitch, for side? NORTHAMPTON 17 time approached, Cambridge went 9 Lewis kicked a superb drop-goal to points to five in front with another put Cambridge 18-10 in front. To enter e-mail [email protected]. Closing date: midnight Tuesday. Cambridge scored a huge confi- well-struck penalty from Lewis. Saints replied with their first con- Last week’s winner: Robert Hackney. dence-boosting 21-17 win over the More of the same was needed verted try to set up a tense finish but Northampton Saints on Monday from Cambridge in the second half, with only a few minutes remaining, The Official Varsity Ball evening.The Blues took an early especially from the forwards, who Lewis added a further three points lead thanks to the boot of Daffyd had been superb in the first half. to his and Cambridge’s haul. The The Official Varsity Ball will be held at London’s Café de Paris on 9th Lewis who was to have his best Cambridge extended their lead fur- defence held out to give Cambridge December. Tickets are £20 and include limited free drinks. To apply for match of the season, kicking as ther with two penalty goals from an impressive win with the Varsity tickets or for more information please visit www.varsityball.com he did all 21 of Cambridge’s points. Lewis, leaving Northampton with a match fast approaching.