DOCSLIB.ORG

Zombies Attack Alfred: NERF Guns Ruled A-OK

Total Page：16

File Type：pdf, Size：1020Kb

Download full-text PDF Read full-text
Zombies Attack Alfred: NERF Guns Ruled A-OK Newsstand: $1,000,000,000,000 What should we tease here? I can’t do everything around here, guys. Our readers need teasing... NOX Tease. Not Since 2002 The King of Infomericals Page 2 coming to AU The ZOMBIE newspaper of Alfred University Page 3 Vol. 104, No. 9 3/4 www.notthefi atlux.com March 32, 2010 OMINOUS HEADLINE Sub-headline that will upset people: Inamori School of Engineering to be closed By Stephanie Hui Yan Choi have left 745,634,762,347 com- Business Manager ments on the website, showing approval of the budget cut deci- As much as the student body sion. “I am glad the University demands for a collective deci- sion on the budget cuts, the Uni- Let’s party,” stated web user spicy_saxons_forever.has finally listened to (Obvious-our need. sion. ly this was me.) versity has made the final deci- “We are excited to announce Following the budget cut deci- this change,” said Thomas sion, the biggest concern raised by the student body is how the name very disgusting. No of- saved money will be spent. At Rubisch (Personally I find this fense.), the spokesperson of the the moment, inviting a pop star Strategic Planning Council, “In- to perform on campus seems amori School of Engineering will to be the most supported op- be closed to accommodate the tion. According to the Center for Student Involvement, Michael According to the documents Jackson has shown interest in budget deficit.” released by the Strategic Plan- performing at AU because he ning Council, Inamori School of has never heard of the town of Engineering is considered to be Alfred. Additionally, Billy Mays the weakest school at Alfred Uni- has already scheduled an ap- versity because of the unbear- pearance. Before students get ably low enrollment rate. too excited for the King of Pop’s “97 percent of AU students are visit, Kristin Fleming, our favor- engineering majors,” said a stu- ite fortune-teller in town warns dent who insists to remain anon- PHOTO BY DAVID LEMMO us of a possible zombie attack If you actually read cutlines, e-mail us! We want to question your sanity. fi [email protected]. ymous, “that is ridiculously low. due to the excessive amount of We have to get rid of the school, money the University possesses. it. Look at major CEOs and you'll extend this a little bit. Feel free send a blank e-mail to michael- or else it will drag the entire Uni- “As we all know, zombies live see what I mean. To avoid this to make something up; nobody jacksonhasnotheardofAlfred- versity down.” on cash. Sure, brains help, but attack, we have to burn our cash will know.*** buthasbeentoAlfredbefore@liar. As soon as the decision was mostly so they know what to do into ashes. Now.” P.S. If you want to meet up with com/. with the money when they get com, a majority of AU students ***Whoever sees this, please Michael Jackson one-on-one, “C U l8er,” said Jackson. announced on www.thefiatlux. Zombies attack Alfred: NERF guns ruled A-OK: Colons are awesome! By Kari Aldrich a substance called 'Minnium stopped zombies altogether by Conan the Grammarian and barricaded themselves in- Rotsum Becomium.' This odd confusing them, forcing them intoside thewith offices heavy of woodenUniversity planks staff substance lacks the integrity to to absorb tomes of complex art that they nailed to the doors and consistently remain itself, and theory, pages of calculus home- shambling undead in the Alfred caught their breath and thanked as a result zombies take on the work, notes on Hobbesian theo- Due to a massive influx of God they were alive and asked characteristics of whatever they ries of anarchy and some par- versity have decided to revise if the University would reverse absorb." Kingmonk says. ticularly brutal modernist and Community,the university's officials stance at theon Nerfuni- the Nerf Policy, faculty and staff "You shoot zombies with lead post-modernist texts. These re- Legislation. One time players of were initially quite skeptical. or smack it with an aluminum the game "Humans vs. Zombies" However, once students got the bat, all you're going to get are Kingmonk is dubious. "That are both excited and decidedly backing of pseudoscientist Ro- hard-nosed, steely, cheesed-off portssounds are like as aof really yet unconfirmed. good way to smug about the entire ordeal. adversaries who now just want create zombies that will force "We aren't saying 'I told you cials changed their tune. to eat your brains out of spite. you to do arduous math prob- so,' exactly," said a representa- fish"It's Kingmonk, a common University misconception offi- But something nice and squishy lems, or read you Gertrude Stein. tive of the group at a survivalist that you can only defeat zom- and well aimed, like a Nerf dart, Isn't it bad enough that they meeting on Monday. "It's more, bies by smacking their noggins is a perfect defense." want to eat your brain?" 'Oh wow, I bet you feel stupid. with something hard, like a bat It may seem counterintuitive, The Humans vs. Zombies I bet you wish you'd practiced or a bullet. This 'hit 'em hard' but early attempts to stop the representative, upon hearing your survivalist skills. I'm so glad mentality is not informed by Sci- hoards with Nerf products, as Kingmonk's Nerf theory and I was prepared for the worst, ence. I have studied the zombie well as other squishy and inof- seeing its practical application, just like they always taught me extensively and discovered that fensive items like teddy bears, increased his smugness by ap- (Above) The perfect NERF gun for to be in boy scouts and in The as their atomic mass decays, pillows and wads of paper seem proximately 75 percent. "Okay. destroying zombies. Get one! Lion King.'" they actually undergo a chemical to have met with success. Some Now I'll say it. I told you so." When students ran screaming students claim that they have change and their flesh becomes Also inside... Merrill bleachers collapse? If you Something equestrian/zombie. Keep up with the zombie invation care, read this. If not... don’t? Back page. on thefi atlux.com liveblog. Page 4? 2 Fiat Lux l www.wholooksuphere?.com March 32, 2010 Editorial The Alfred Computer Guy: Better surviving through technology Hey, we need a witty headline greater. As always, be extremely cau- Mike Stone Community groups are sprout- tious when approaching anyone followed by an ellipses... Contributing Writer ing up across the nation to deliv- offering help. A world thrown er communication nodes on the into chaos is easily inhabited An editor’s last letter: borders of their cities. Typically, by those that would prey on the these nodes are made up of small helpless. Thieves and pirates My term as Editor in Chief began with zombies, and now it ap- may provide false information pears that it will end with zombies. ers delivering information over in an effort to take your sup- The Fiat Lux staff has been locked up in the Powell Campus Center ansolar-powered Ad-Hoc WiFi flash-based Intranet. Whatserv- plies, food, weapons and most information, you might ask? likely, your life. In order to de- mal acceptance of darkness has allowed us to remain hidden from How about the latest day-by- feat the zombies – or at least live theoffice zombies since the so infectionfar. began to spread. Our closed blinds and nor- day information on survivor through their reign – we must Two years ago on April 8, 2008 Alfred University was locked down camps? Schools, town halls, un- use every available resource we after a student was seen carrying a Nerf gun around campus. The derground dwellings and other can. They may not eat, sleep or real cause was a game known as Zombies v. Humans, but little did we buildings that have been locked stop moving, but one of the best know that the game was only the beginning. down and properly secured advantages we have over them is Footage of the zombies made its way to Fox News and The Col- So, “The Infection” is upon us along with maps and step-by- our collective intellect. bert Report. Next thing we knew, professors were writing about and and the undead are prowling the step instructions on how to teaching zombie folklore, making our campus the perfect starting streets. A common attitude I see reach them can be downloaded when people throw their laptops point for the zombie uprising. is one of technological retreat. A at these nodes. awayThis and is why laugh I find at theit frustrating notion of I sit here – having been bitten – without much time left for a non- Luddite mentality sweeps over Many of the nodes have adopt- a technological future. After all, zombie life. I sometimes shutter at the idea of seeing Nerf guns, the mind and forces it back into ed a universal icon set indicating when going on foot with a maxi- rolled-up socks and marshmallows, key weapons against attacking survival mode. After all, if major the availability of food, water, mum target of 50lbs on your zombies. What had started as rules for an on-campus game have power lines are still active, it’s medical services, beds and par- back, you may need to decide become rules for survival. only a matter of time until they ticularly nasty zombie infesta- Currently, the theory is that the cause of the zombie illness is a mu- fall dormant, and even if that tion zones.
Load more

Recommended publications
  • 85- America's Two Greatest TV Pitchmen
    #85- America's Two Greatest TV Pitchmen http://dennyhatch.blogspot.com/2020/02/85-americas-two-greatest-tv-pi... #85- America's Two Greatest TV Pitchmen Issue #85- Tuesday, February 25, 2020 http://dennyhatch.blogspot.com/2020/02/85-americas-two-greatest-tv- pitchmen.html Posted by Denny Hatch America's Two Greatest TV Pitchmen: They Could Sell Viagra to a Eunuch! Billy Mays Ron Popeil What Is the Secret of Success in Selling? Piling on Benefits Like There's No Tomorrow! Above are two marketing experts who sold ordinary products. Billy Mays glorified such plebeian products as a soap additive and a mechanical shovel for the garden as well as two dozen other gadgets and goodies. Ron Popeil (and members of his family) sold a set of cheap knives for kitchen and dinner table while a studio audience of consumers hung on their every word, frequently cheering and applauding. Watching these great performances is a riveting experience. The techniques they developed should be studied and picked up by consumer and business marketers of products and services and exploited by their salesmen, product managers, account executives, copywriters and designers at every level of the marketing process. 1 of 8 2/25/2020, 3:15 PM #85- America's Two Greatest TV Pitchmen http://dennyhatch.blogspot.com/2020/02/85-americas-two-greatest-tv-pi... Billy Mays’ Assault on Your Senses What am I talking about? Spend a jaw dropping minute and 57 seconds while Billy Mays hawks the ultimate gardener’s gizmo—AwesomeAuger. http://youtu.be /bLDXfYDAziI This was Mays’ breakthrough effort.
    [Show full text]
  • Congressional Record United States Th of America PROCEEDINGS and DEBATES of the 112 CONGRESS, SECOND SESSION
    E PL UR UM IB N U U S Congressional Record United States th of America PROCEEDINGS AND DEBATES OF THE 112 CONGRESS, SECOND SESSION Vol. 158 WASHINGTON, TUESDAY, JANUARY 24, 2012 No. 10 House of Representatives The House met at 10 a.m. and was ‘‘CBS News correspondent Clarissa ghanistan, and the little girl, as you called to order by the Speaker pro tem- Ward found one reason in the Pech Val- can see, Mr. Speaker, is looking at the pore (Mr. PAULSEN). ley. Americans lost their lives there flag. She has no idea that her daddy is f building a base called Nangalam. When dead. She will know one day that her they tried to hand over their gains to father died to prop up a corrupt leader DESIGNATION OF SPEAKER PRO the Afghan Army, the base went to named Karzai and a corrupt govern- TEMPORE ruin. ment, and then she will learn from the The SPEAKER pro tempore laid be- ‘‘Army Major Guillermo Guillen, history books as she gets into high fore the House the following commu- from southern California, is frustrated. school that no nation has ever con- nication from the Speaker: ‘You’re relying on us to do all of your quered Afghanistan and no nation will WASHINGTON, DC, security for you. You need to be par- ever conquer Afghanistan. January 24, 2012. ticipating,’ Guillen told an Afghan As we listen to the President tonight I hereby appoint the Honorable ERIK PAUL- counterpart. and he talks about the state of affairs, SEN to act as Speaker pro tempore on this ‘‘On a recent patrol, some Afghan I hope he will mention that he intends day.
    [Show full text]
  • A Performance Genealogy of the American Pitchman in the 20Th Century
    CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, NORTHRIDGE Step Right Up! /But Wait, There’s More! A Performance Genealogy of the American Pitchman in the 20th Century A thesis submitted in partial fulfillment of the requirements For the degree of Master of Arts In Theatre By Jason Lloyd Johnson December 2015 The thesis of Jason Lloyd Johnson is approved: Dr. Ah-Jeong Kim Date Dr. Leonamary Kennicott Date Dr. J’aime Morrison, Chair Date California State University, Northridge ii ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS With all that has gone into my research and writing of this thesis, I am extremely indebted and thankful to the following: Prof. Leigh Kennicott for introducing me to the works of the American Shakespeare, Eugene O'Neill, and for being on my graduate committee. Prof. Ah-Jeong Kim, for her continued support and guidance during my studies at CSUN. Prof. J’aime Morrison, Graduate Thesis Committee Chairperson. Thank you for introducing me to Irish Drama and Performance Studies. It was while studying Irish playwright Brian Friel's "Faith Healer", that you opened my eyes and to question "what is performance?" I feel that this sparked my genesis of curiosity, which led me to formulate this thesis. Lastly, I have two special ladies in my life that I would like to dedicate this thesis to: My daughter Jasmine… You will always be my little girl. My dearest Kazumi: wife, partner and best friend. Without you, none of this would have been possible. iii LIST OF FIGURES Figure Page 1. Figure of restoration of behavior model 9 2. Figure of Ward Hall 26 3. Figure of Bobby Reynolds 40 4.
    [Show full text]
  • Billy Mays Oxiclean Commercial Transcript
    Billy Mays Oxiclean Commercial Transcript Noam delouse her snathes trancedly, bonnier and semi-independent. Mayor chamois notarially. Oaten Scottie still vindicate: dim and irate Jacob romanticized quite inalienably but undammed her pari-mutuel knowledgeably. Guerrette said outside the prices of an indoor fire from israel and now a billy mays had something that people are chiming in public health, if you can Who possess that Cathy could do comedy? Imtoo 3gp converter code movie photo album new zealand. Many turning the folks who are travelling do not travel regularly. Think of it as a friend rather than an enemy. It could be something as simple as a collection of other resources or websites. Salon in login password wallet whats minnesota motorcycle salvage oxi clean. Cnn polling director of billy mays oxiclean commercial transcript of. No proclamation for Downs Syndrome Day; Kurdish female ululating, you spread a dirty mind people should end your filthy thoughts to yourself. Candy Crowley to Obama on Cuba: that youre naive and theyre rolling you, but withhold some to engage their curiosity. Original Billy Mays OxiClean Ad from October 2000 By Debby. Terry college tweets and hazel eyes cody is that were like. Stay in skooks, jingles; CNN lies about coughing episode: she choked up so badly that she struggled to speak for a few minutes, this peace is what all true warriors strive for! Chamois vs Microfiber Towels Dr Beasley's. JCD calls Sessions office, improve the bell your Savvy Shopper awoke to become clean underwear. World around like billy mays commercials are. This billy mays oxiclean commercial transcript per click on your friends and employees had so, you are you find no credibility determines how you want will? Lets go launch a missile! Eventually the lemons may drive circuit the cream puffs.
    [Show full text]
  • Vince Offer 1 Vince Offer
    Vince Offer 1 Vince Offer Vince Offer Offer in 2009 Born Offer Shlomi April 25, 1964 Beersheba, Israel Other names Vince Shlomi, ShamWow Guy Citizenship American, Israeli Occupation Salesman, screenwriter, film director, film producer, comedian, editor Known for Infomercial acting Offer Shlomi (born April 25, 1964), also known as Vince Offer, Vince Shlomi, or the "ShamWow!" Guy, is a director, writer, comedian, and infomercial pitchman. Offer's first major work was the 1999 comedy film The Underground Comedy Movie. In the late 2000s, Offer began appearing on television commercials for the products "ShamWow!", an absorbent towel, the "Slap Chop", a kitchen utensil, a lint roller called the "Schticky", and more recently, a liquid cleaner called "InVinceable". He's also officially advertised other products such as Eminem's 2010 album Recovery. Early life Offer was raised in Brooklyn, a borough of New York City. Career Film In 1999, Offer directed and appeared in The Underground Comedy Movie, which was met with extremely negative reviews. DVDs of the film were marketed via television infomercial. The film also led to several lawsuits. Although the film was released and screened in 1999, Offer was bankrupt by 2002 and home video distribution plans were shelved. Offer, who had previously been a successful vegetable chopper salesman and businessman, resumed selling vegetable choppers at swap meets to support himself and raise money to complete his film project. Within a few months, he had earned enough to resume production, and the movie was finally completed, released, and marketed entirely on late-night infomercials that Offer paid for with his earnings from the swap meet vegetable chopper sales.
    [Show full text]
  • Twitter Book for Venture Hacks by Backupify.Com
    Twitter book for Venture Hacks by Backupify.com Profile venturehacks Name: venturehacks Location: San Francisco Bio: Good advice for startups. Tweets by @nivi. Brains by @naval. We are investors (Twitter), founders (Epinions), students (life), advisors (billions). 1 / 1.053 Twitter book for Venture Hacks by Backupify.com Updates venturehacks “Internet is one of the primary export industries in the US.” – @fredwilson, http://vh.co/ci4ZsT 2010-06-10 00:03:47 (+00:00) venturehacks “When breakthrough thinking is needed, a fun… environment will generally yield better/faster results.” – @seanellis, http://vh.co/aPJg21 2010-06-09 22:58:35 (+00:00) venturehacks Steve Jobs: The definition of entrepreneurial resiliency http://vh.co/bLj8ZT. /cc @msuster @gruber 2010-06-09 18:45:02 (+00:00) venturehacks Kicklabs has great office space for SF startups http://vh.co/dxEdwL. I'm hanging out there today. Tell'em I sent you: [email protected]. 2010-06-08 22:03:45 (+00:00) venturehacks “We all meet for 3 hours, once a week, and we talk about everything we're doing.” – Steve Jobs http://vh.co/c3CVO9 @ 1:01:20 /cc @jasonfried 2010-06-08 19:10:05 (+00:00) venturehacks “Instead of looking at pixels *under* glass, it's like looking at pixels *on* glass.” – @gruber on iPhone 4's display, http://vh.co/cEQfs7 2010-06-08 01:03:55 (+00:00) venturehacks How to mind fuck people with "wide" questions http://vh.co/at5tQe. I especially like the job interview question. /by @msuster 2010-06-07 21:36:44 (+00:00) venturehacks “Everyone dialed in to the meeting, putting every
    [Show full text]
  • Pitchman Marketing Secrets EXPOSED a Tribute to Billy Mays, Jr
    Pitchman Marketing Secrets EXPOSED A Tribute To Billy Mays, Jr. The Greatest Pitchman of our Time © 2009 Gravitational Marketing By Jimmy Vee & Travis Miller In Loving Memory Of: Billy Mays, Jr. The Greatest Pitchman of our Time © 2009 Gravitational Marketing By Jimmy Vee & Travis Miller I've never done this before. But in tribute to Billy re-printed my section of last month's Newton Network Newsletter. In it I wrote about marketing lessons learned from Billy Mays and Pitchmen. This was written before Billy passed away. I really admire Billy for all he accomplished and what he did for the credibility and visibility of our industry. I've created this PDF as a tribute to the greatest modern day pitchman… Billy Mays. Please feel free to post this on your blog, tweet it, share it on facebook or email it to someone you believe would benefit from reading it. Thank you. GRAVITATIONAL MARKETING THE SCIENCE OF ATTRACTING CUSTOMERS the book by Jimmy Vee, Travis Miller published by John Wiley & Sons, Inc. March 2008. ISBN 978-0-470-22647-6. © 2009 Gravitational Marketing By Jimmy Vee & Travis Miller DUMMY -PROOF MARKETING & MONEY MAKING STRATEGIE S FROM THE TWI S TE D MIN D OF JIMMY VEE JIMMY VEE HERE FOR PITC H MAN MARKETING SECRET S f you didn’t recognize my headline you must be a hermit living in a cave or you’re hard of hearing… Ino… deaf. Even the hard of hearing can still hear Billy Mays blast his famous opening line. He’s loud. Hummmm… where have I heard that before?? Oh yeah, I’m loud.
    [Show full text]
  • Anthony Sullivan As Sen On
    September-October 2016 Vol. 12, No. 5 The Official Magazine of U.S. Masters Swimming usms.org REST UP TO SPEED UP DYNAMITE DOLPHIN KICK Olympians Among Us PRODUCT TESTING » » RECOVERY TOOLS As Seen on TV: Anthony Sullivan As Sen On BY ELAINE K. HOWLEY LIFE’S A PITCH FOR INFOMERCIAL PRODUCER AND ENTREPRENEUR ANTHONYANTHONY SULLIVANSULLIVAN e slices. He dices. And he does so much more. He’s Anthony Sulli- van, the roguish Englishman you’ve seen on TV during dozens of H 2-minute spots for OxiClean, Stick-Up Bulbs, Smart Choppers, Swivel Sweepers, and loads of other inventive household products. A fixture of TV infomercials, Sullivan also appeared on the grueling 2003 reality adventure program “Eco Challenge,” and was the co-star of Dis- covery Channel’s “PitchMen.” He now runs a thriving production com- pany that creates advertising spots for Arm & Hammer, NutriSystem, Crock-Pot, and many other familiar products. What you might not know about this 47-year-old fast-talker is that he’s also a top notch Masters swimmer with Florida’s St. Pete Masters and he credits swimming for much of his success in life. 18 usms.org When he’s not producing television infomercials, OxiClean pitchman Anthony Sullivan swims with St. Pete Masters in Florida. Sullivan Productions september-october 2016 19 Sullivan and friend and bought a house. But then and partner Billy came the fall—the Black Mon- Mays (right) pose with host Conan day real estate crash of 1987 O’Brien (center) after that submerged Sullivan into taping an episode of a deep trench of debt.
    [Show full text]
  • Central Florida Future, Vol. 41 No. 56, June 29, 2009
    University of Central Florida STARS Central Florida Future University Archives 6-29-2009 Central Florida Future, Vol. 41 No. 56, June 29, 2009 Part of the Mass Communication Commons, Organizational Communication Commons, Publishing Commons, and the Social Influence and oliticalP Communication Commons Find similar works at: https://stars.library.ucf.edu/centralfloridafuture University of Central Florida Libraries http://library.ucf.edu This Newspaper is brought to you for free and open access by the University Archives at STARS. It has been accepted for inclusion in Central Florida Future by an authorized administrator of STARS. For more information, please contact [email protected]. Recommended Citation "Central Florida Future, Vol. 41 No. 56, June 29, 2009" (2009). Central Florida Future. 2242. https://stars.library.ucf.edu/centralfloridafuture/2242 Hamming it up Longtime Knight Students compete to see _,,..;,....;;::... Basketball's Kirk Speraw's journey who's Icing of the to UCF stardom -sEESPORTs,As airwaves - SEE NEWS,A2 ANIMALS DOGS COMPETE Bright Futures ·modifies scholarships_ TOWIN UGLY VIRGl~IA KIDDY demic Scholars will receive according to a UCF News & . News Editor $126 per credit hour, and Information press release on BRIGHT EUTURES Florida Medallion Scholars May 22. ·coNTEST Bright Futures. is chang­ will receive $95 per credit For a Florida Academic In 1997, the Florida Aprominent under-bite,scrunched ing this fall for all recipients ho~ accordmg to the Flori­ Scholar taking 30 hours of Legislature created the face and floppy ears are the of the scholarship. da Department of Educa­ courses, Bright Futures will Florida Bright Futures hallmarks of the _.....,.....-,-,--...,........,........, Money given to students tion's Web site.
    [Show full text]