In Death Watch for Stranger, Becoming A

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In Death Watch for Stranger, Becoming A Reprinted from front page, A1 New York, Sunday, January 25, 2004 In Death Watch for Stranger, Becoming a Friend to the End By N. R. KLEINFIELD That first day, Bill Keating hoped that Lew Grossman was not a weeper. Anything else he thought he could handle, but, please, not someone who cried. In a nursing home bed, still as stone, Mr. Grossman looked awful. A bedraggled, brittle-looking man, 77, he was able to move only his left arm. He had a large nose and protruding ears. He had sunken jowls, and all but five teeth were gone, victims of too much affection for sweets. Wispy white hair erupted from his head. The doctors didn't imagine he had much longer. Too many things wrong. An odd time to meet someone, when that person's life is about gone. uby Washington/The New York Times That was the point. It was supposed to R be handshakes on death's doorstep. Bill Keating, a volunteer, paiid regular visits to Lew Grossman, who otherwise would Lew Grossman lived at the Isabella have died alone. Geriatric Center, a sprawling, well- tended nursing home on Audubon and smiled but never spoke, not one with terminally ill people alone with Avenue in Washington Heights. For the word. their mortality. After all, there's no most part, his days were spent In May 2002, when they met, Bill rental agency for friends, for when cloistered in his room. No friends, no Keating didn't know a thing about Lew you're sick and staring death in the visitors. His companions were the TV Grossman. Mr. Keating was no social face. and his memories. The TV was always worker or minister or anything like Bill Keating belonged to the tuned to Channel 7. He was a stickler that. He was a retired corporate lawyer program's first full crop of volunteers, about that. "They've got good stuff on in his mid-60's, recruited into a new nine strong, and the entire enterprise Channel 7," was his explanation. In the program that paired volunteers was still feeling its way. So was Mr. next bed was a roommate who nodded somewhat enlightened in the particulars Keating. of death (they were called "doulas") The Doula Program to Accompany and Comfort, Inc. www.DoulaProgramm.org (212) 706-0398 As he would sum it up: "There's a certain satisfaction in doing something that no one else wants to do." Instructions on Death The eight training sessions were held in the evenings, in early 2002. The first session put it right out there. Harriet Feiner, the program's director and the instructor, asked, "What word or words come to mind when you hear about death or contemplate your own death?" What ran through Mr. Keating's mind was: "It's inevitable. We're all going to die and hopefully we're ready for it when it comes. It's a fact of life." He wasn't into deep philosophical thought. Death was death. Then 66, he had had more than enough of its bitter ngel Franco/The New York Times Times York New Franco/The ngel A taste — his entire family was gone. Lew Grossman kept a photo of himself with his companion, Roy Allshause, on the wall. Both parents were dead, and his two brothers had died young, one at 15 of Before it was over, something rare It all coalesced in Ms. Farley's polio, his last days encased in an iron would happen in this room, but not head. She decided to start a program to lung, and the other one at 17. He had what either man imagined. Right now, train volunteers to befriend those fated been going to football camp, but Mr. Keating hunted for hints. He to die in solitude. missed the bus and hitchhiked a ride in looked at the diminished man curled in She found sponsorship from the a truck that turned over. the bed and he thought, well, at least he Shira Ruskay Center of the Jewish The flavor of the classes was didn't seem to be in pain. No tears. This Board of Family and Children's clinical as well as mystical. It got to be could work. Bill Keating resolved to go Services, a private New York mental heavy going. Quotations were thrown forward and see what it was like being health and social service agency, and out. Lew Grossman's last friend on earth. N.Y.U. Medical Center. In late 2000, From Genesis: "It is not good for Doula? Until two years ago, Mr. she got a pilot program percolating that man to be alone. I will make him a Keating had never heard the word. A paired five volunteers and the dying. partner." friend told him about the doula She liked the name "doula," a From Beckett's "Waiting for program, and then at a dinner party late Greek word for women who assisted Godot": "Don't talk to me. Don't speak in 2001 he encountered Phyllis Farley, mothers with childbirth. The idea to me. Stay with me." whom he knew. zigzagged across her mind that there There was more: instruction on Ms. Farley, now 79, is a proponent should be doulas to help people leave hope in the face of death, the intricacies of natural childbirth and chairwoman of the world. The program was named of health care proxies and do-not- the board of the Maternity Center "Doula to Accompany and Comfort." resuscitate orders, spirituality and Association in Manhattan. Being They found volunteers where they death, how to be a compassionate around hospitals a lot, she was could, some at dinner parties. Ms. companion. disturbed to see how many people died Farley sized up Mr. Keating, pegged Some fairly graphic clinical alone, with no one to nurture them him as promising doula material. He material was discussed on things that through their final days. mulled this over; it sounded worthy, might happen to a person at the very In 1998, while at a conference sure, but pretty downbeat. Not that he end — disorientation, incontinence, dealing with end-of-life issues, Ms. was squeamish about illness — his gurgling sounds from the chest, Farley listened to a talk by Dr. Sherwin father had been a doctor — but he was discolored extremities, an odor from Nuland, a professor of surgery and an still early in the beguilement of his the body. author. He stressed how important it retirement and wondered how sitting Once they went into the field, the was for sick people to have death watch would mix with bridge and students were told, some cases might companionship to help them accept opera. consume a few weeks, others several death, and he used the Yiddish word Then again, he had been given months. (One case would in fact end for funeral, "levaya," which means "to much. He was prosperous, happy, after three days.) Death tolled when it accompany." healthy. This was a way to give back. pleased. In the ideal execution of their 2 assignment, the volunteers would be sitting there, holding the person's hand, when they breathed their last breath. (That would happen only once.) When the classes started, there were a dozen people. Nine stayed to the end. Dropouts were expected. No mistaking, it was a dark mission. Bill Keating stayed. In April 2002, a graduated doula, he was ready for an actual human being. The students were asked if they had preferences — someone old, someone young, did any type of disease bother them? Mr. Keating didn't care. "They're dying," he said. "What difference did it make?" A Spanish speaker came up. Mr. ichard Perry/The New York Times Times York New Perry/The ichard Keating didn't speak it. The next name R was Lewis Grossman? And so life went Bill Keating with three others in the Doula program, which helps the terminally ill. visiting death. left him paralyzed below the waist, and The steak tartare was tricky. Mr. A Cautious Beginning he was mightily depressed. His doctor Keating imagined a nightmarish result. From the start, he picked the late said he had what is sometimes called He'd bring along steak tartare, and in morning, around the lunch hour. He the frailty syndrome: in all senses, his the hour or so it took him to get to the began with two visits a week, an hour body was breaking down. home, the meat would spoil. The steak or so each time. Enough time to have a But Mr. Keating didn't know any of would poison Mr. Grossman. presence, get a bead on the man, but the backstory — how he had made a So he cooked the steak a bit on his not too consuming. living, relationships, children, his likes stove. Mr. Grossman didn't notice. He They were awkward with each and dislikes. He was a man in a bed wanted more. other. Lew Grossman was remote. He and he was alone. Through pickles and matzo ball didn't give much, opened no doors into Mr. Keating hunted for a thread of soup, the dynamics of the relationship his world. conversation. improved. Mr. Keating, after all, had "How's the food?" he said. Mr. Keating saw he needed to materialized out of nowhere. Mr. "Awful," he said. genuinely enter Mr. Grossman's world Grossman wasn't told the actual reason In fact, in recent months, sulky, he if he was going to reach him. On Mr. Keating was there. He knew him as had barely been eating.
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