Coping with sorrow, loss and grief

The term “Grief” is used to describe reactions and feelings that a person might have to the loss of someone or something that is important to them.

The feeling of loss not only covers the immediate loss of a relationship, good health, a job, a way of life or the death of a loved one, but also includes the loss of generations of family bonds, the removal of links to spiritual land rights or neglect of the cultural heritage.

What is grief? How long does grief last? Grief is not an illness – it can not be cured or You can’t put a time limit on hurried along. No two people experience grief in grief. The best answer seems to the same way. It is affected by many factors such as be “as long as it takes”. Grief the nature of the loss, the person’s past history, their doesn’t occur in neat stages. It cultural and spiritual beliefs, and their personality. is a chaotic process, which is There is no right or wrong way to experience grief. different for each person. Some common grief reactions include: We don’t recover from grief as • Sadness, crying we might from some physical • Shock, numbness illness. Instead, we gradually learn to adjust to the loss. This • Difficulty accepting the loss adjustment process depends on • Anger, guilt, shame how you express your grief and other feelings, • Isolation, alienation, loneliness your life experience, previous losses, coping style, • Relief personality, physical health and available support • Fear that reactions may not be normal systems. • Suicidal thoughts • Difficulty concentrating There are no simple solutions to getting over the pain caused by your loss. At this time you • Acting out of character may feel that no person, no words, no reading • Substance abuse material can ease the pain. However, when you • Physical reactions – headaches, loss of feel ready, the information below may be helpful. appetite, inability to sleep

Why are there differences in how people grieve? We are all different. We come from different family backgrounds and cultures. Every culture has traditions, rules and expectations about how grief is expressed and dealt with. This tool kit cannot capture the cultural diversity here in Australia. It describes common experiences and aims to provide individuals with tools to help manage grief. Tool Kit Postpone major 3 life decisions Let yourself grieve Right now, because of 1 the stress you are under, you may not have the It is important to be able to express grief rather ability to make good long- than ‘bottling up’ feelings. At times you may feel term decisions. It can be overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings, but tempting to make decisions that is normal. You can postpone grief, but you can quickly, or be pressured not avoid it. Not dealing with grief makes it harder into making certain to cope with other stresses that may come later. decisions. If possible, delay major decisions until a Not everybody expresses grief by crying. There time that you can better are many other ways including: deal with them. If decisions • Physical activity have to be made now, speak to someone you trust • Music who is not directly affected • Writing by the loss. • Painting, drawing, etc. • Talking about the loss Keep mementos • Praying • Meditating 4 • Keeping a diary of feelings and memories It may seem sensible to remove the belongings of the person who has died, or items that are • Story telling associated with the loss. It may be painful to have • Other activities and ceremonies from your them around. If this is the case, give the items to culture or local area someone until you feel better able to deal with them. Some of the items that have sentimental value may be very comforting to you later. Giving away belongings, at an appropriate time, is also a healthy part of grieving.

Let people know 5 how they can help Your friends and family may not know what to say or do when they are with you. This makes things Look after difficult for both of you. Let them know how you yourself are feeling, and what you would like them to do. 2 Tell them if there are practical things that they can Coping with grief is stressful on your body. Look do to help you out. It is okay to say that you are after yourself so that you’re better able to cope not ready to talk about your loss, and that you will with the changes you are going through. let them know when you are.

• Eat healthy, frequent, small, easily digested meals. You need to be around people who are • Don’t use alcohol or drugs to reduce your grief supportive, understanding and willing to help. – they numb feelings that need to be expressed. Friends and family may not always be able to • Give yourself time out from the pain – do give you the kind of emotional support you need. something you enjoy. Develop a resource list of people, services, or • Connect with yourself – through religion, places to contact when the going gets tough. Here meditation, music, walking, gardening, sport, are some ideas: hobbies. • Counsellors and/or psychologists • Bringing Them Home Counsellors, who specialise in Stolen Generation issues • Healing Circles or other similar cultural healing groups • Bereavement support groups • Doctors • Priest, minister or religious leaders

These services can be located through your local aboriginal medical service, community health centre, doctor, mental health services, funeral director, or religious group. Be prepared for Let yourself heal 8 stressful situations 6 and events Healing does not have to mean letting go or Stressful situations and events include birthdays, saying goodbye. Do not feel guilty for beginning Christmas, anniversaries, or hearing about to move through your grief and on with your life. situations that remind you of your own loss. These It does not mean the loss does not matter. It can can be less stressful if you are prepared for them: be helpful to enjoy happy memories by talking, smiling and laughing about them. • Be aware of places that evoke strong memories. • Plan activities for remembrance, such as writing Set aside some time alone each day to express a card or doing something to acknowledge the your grief, look after yourself, or even just to loss. remember. Spend time with friends and family • Let yourself be sad even if it is meant to be a to talk, tell your story, or share your grief. Some happy occasion. people find a support group useful because it provides access to others who may have more of • Let yourself have fun – enjoy happy memories an understanding of what you are experiencing. and the company of other people close to you. Sometimes the time leading up to these events is the hardest. The day itself may not be as hard as you fear.

When does grief 9 become a problem? Know that you can Sometimes people are unable to come to terms with their loss and are unable to move on with 7 come through this life. They might become stuck in either constant You may never be the same person again, but grief and sadness, or become involved in a range you can survive this. You may not think so, but of activities to avoid feeling the pain of their you can. Sometimes old beliefs and ideas seem loss. This can have a bad effect on relationships empty and useless because of what has happened. and may lead to an increased risk of physical or They may need to be adapted to suit a new set of mental illness. circumstances. If there is concern that you or someone you know Take one moment or one day at a time. Set your may be having problems grieving, a doctor, own limits and learn to say no. Expect some set psychologist or counsellor can determine if there is backs, but know that you will progress through in fact a problem. them. This may be the hardest thing you will ever do, so be patient with yourself. • Don’t say Don’t tellthem • Don’t thinkyoucantakeawaytheirpain. • Don’t minimisetheirloss. • What nottodo: Lookafteryourself–taketimeout,talkto • iftheyneedorwant Findhelpandinformation • Lookoutforsignsofsuicideorbeingstuckin • Betolerant–theymaybehaveoutofcharacter. • Keepintouch–letthemknowyouareavailable. • Letthemknowit’s okaytoexpresstheirgrief • Betheretolisten–whentheywanttalk,let • Letthemknowhowyoufeel–thatdon’t • Letthemknowyoucare–acknowledgetheir • might help: someone whoisexperiencinggrief.Theseideas It’s hardtoknowhowhelporwhatsay 10 – everyone isdifferent. – everyone someone abouthowyouarefeeling. extra support. grief andsadness. wish tojoinin,butgivethemtheoption. Keep includingtheminactivities.Theymaynot – eventhoughitishardtoseethemsoupset. them telltheirstory. know whattosay, butyouwanttohelp. loss andwhatitmeanstothem. We [email protected] “I knowhowyoufeel” family andfriends Information for “You’ll getoverit” and suicideprevention. promote mentalhealth awareness, help-seeking to and PrimeSuperareworkinginpartnership their websitewww.primesuper.com.au Lifeline Super, pleasering1800675839orvisit onPrime Australians. Formoreinformation theneedsofruralandregional to serving not-for-profi self-help resource.PrimeSuperisthelargest –yourmentalhealthand Service Information Prime SuperistheproudsponsorofLifeline t superannuationfunddedicated

. tool kittobeadaptedspecifi ifyouwouldlikethis Service alteration. PleasecontacttheLifelineInformation Illawarra Aboriginalcommunities.You are welcome toreproduceitwithout forthe asapublicservice Service in conjunctionwiththeLifelineInformation This toolkithasbeendevelopedbytheIllawarraAboriginalMedicalService just tobethereforthem. best waytohelpthepersonis of ourownfeelingsloss.The Sometimes wearealsoreminded go throughsomuchpain. watch someonewecareabout help. It’s hardtostandbyand things becausewewantto We oftendoorsaythese 11 14orvisitthewebsiteatwww.lifeline.org.au callLifelineon13 For helpfindingotherservices, local Council Your withinyour localAboriginal LiaisonOfficer or CommunityHealthCentre Your localAboriginal MedicalService Sane AustraliaHelpline Mensline Australia Kids Helpline Corporation Link-Up Aboriginal Lifeline Useful resources Where togethelp cally suityourcommunity. 131114 Illawarra AboriginalMedicalService 1800624332 1800688382 1300 789978 1800 55

Last revised February 2009. Illustrations: Culcha Disc Australian Indigenous Images Volume 1 and the artist Joyce Summers.