Fall from Grace

By Kristi Hardison

Chapter 1

Grace. That’s what my mother named me. Perhaps she had different visions for my future… or one hell of a sense of humor. I run my hands up and down the black straps of my cheap back pack. Imagine Dragons blasting in my ears. “The beast inside” vibrates through my head. It feels like a movie with an amazing soundtrack. The traffic and people almost appear to be in slow motion and the world around me looks a little less bleak as though I’m some sort of heroine figuring her life out. Everything works out for those people… always. I find myself here every day, waiting for the public transit bus to take me to and from two jobs all so I can hand over nearly every cent to pay for a roach infested, sorry excuse for an apartment that has about an arm span between the toilet and kitchen sink. After bus fares and the occasional textbook for my nursing courses, I barely have enough to eat. I suppose I shouldn’t complain about having food in my stomach. I just always wished for so much more. I look at my watch and seriously begin to worry that I’m going to be late, yet again. God, I’d kill someone for a car. Literally. Riding public transportation in a city like New York was like playing Russian roulette with dishonest people. If you didn’t die from contracting a rare disease formed by an unknown super bacteria, you could surely get robbed, raped or murdered for something as small as the last 20 dollars in your pocket. New York looked so glamorous in the movies. I suppose anything appears glamorous when you grow up in the desert of California. That’s what gave me the genius idea to spend 240 of the 300 I had saved up throughout high school for a bus ticket out of the only place I’d ever known to pursue my dreams in grand New York… I wanted so badly to leave my old life as far behind me as I could… I probably should have thought that through more. I look back at the graffiti covered bench and sigh. My feet were beginning to ache. Not the kind of ache that can be easily dismissed but the “I’ve been on my feet since 5:00 this morning and still have an 8 hour night shift ahead of me” ache. It probably used to be a nice area to sit and wait but now it was ready for a biohazard sign and the relocation of the homeless man using it as a makeshift newspaper cot. This area gives me the creeps. The last working streetlight for the next 3 blocks is hanging above my head threatening an outage. It’s making a strange buzzing noise and cutting in and out as if it could give up at any moment. A chilly breeze cuts through my light sweater forcing me to hug it to my body as closely as I can. The black scrubs I’m wearing certainly weren’t made to withstand the cold. I rock back and forth on my feet fighting the urge to shiver. Winter is coming. It always comes too soon. These are the only moments I find myself missing the warm desert nights in California where the sagebrush and the scorpions hiding beneath them was the only potential hazard you’d have to worry about while waiting for the bus. I feel eyes on me and turn my face slightly to the right. My breath catches when I notice a tall figure in a black hooded sweatshirt staring directly at me. He makes no move to turn away or pretend he wasn’t staring which is something any decent person with the slightest hint of politeness would do. I can feel my stomach twisting in knots as my heart begins to pound in my chest. My legs turn to lead as the fight or flight adrenaline begins to take over. I look away quickly and poke my head out over the curb, straining to see any sign of the bus. Nothing. It’s only me, the homeless bench-dweller and the mysterious hooded man whose eyes are still boring into the back of my head. I reach my hand into my pocket and stroke the small pepper spray canister while focusing on my breathing just as I see the faint lights of the approaching bus. I resist the urge to look behind me. Perhaps he’s just a harmless lunatic scaring people without intending to. Come on you stupid bus! The bus pulls up and opens its doors. I’ve never been so grateful to see this dump on wheels. I climb up quickly and find a seat toward the front shivering as my body adjusts to the heaters and lights. I watch the door in a panic waiting for the mysterious man to appear but the doors close and the bus begins to pull away. I look out the window straining to see past the reflections and into the dark. He’s gone. I try to shake the eerie feeling creeping over me. Did I imagine it? I really needed to get more sleep and stop killing myself on these night shifts at the hospital. Two jobs and school was just too much. I couldn’t wait to complete my nursing courses so I could make enough money to cut back to one. Two months left Grace. Hang in there.

Chapter 2

The hospital is unusually steady this evening. Normally I’m running up and down the halls like a chicken with my head cut off taking care of the things delegated to me by the head nurse and doctors. Those tasks usually consist of emptying bed pans, cleaning blood spills and inserting catheters… not exactly glamorous work but everyone has to start somewhere. I find that I actually have time for a break around 9:00 and make my way to the children’s ward with my old copy of Peter Rabbit and a cup of hot chocolate. I stroll past several rooms with room numbers displayed on colorful Mickey Mouse plates until I see room 209. The door is slightly cracked so I look in and see her laying in her bed stroking the fur of her favorite floppy gray bunny with her tiny hands. I knock quietly and enter. “Hi Kalyn.” She looks up at me and smiles weakly. “Hi Grace.” “Are you feeling up to a bedtime story?” She pulls the covers up to her chin and turns so that she’s lying down on her right side facing me as I take a seat in the wooden rocking chair next to her bed. I place the hot chocolate beside her and she grins as I smile mischievously. We both knew she wasn’t supposed to have any liquids after 8:00 but it was our secret. I hand her the book and watch as she runs her hand lightly over the hard cover, tracing the illustrations. It was a beautiful book and quite old. It had belonged to my grandmother and passed down from my mother to me when I was 6. It had been my favorite possession. The worn spine and browning pages showed its age but it had a comforting softness and smell to it. Sometimes I would just hold it up to my nose and breathe it in. I could swear that my mother’s scented hand cream still lingered on the pages. It reminded me of her and a time when I thought she would always be around to take care of me. “It’s beautiful.” She says with a soft smile. “What is it about?” “Well, you’re just going to have to be patient and find out eager Beaver.” I smile at her and take the book as she hands it over giggling. I squeeze her hand then sit back, opening the cover to the first page.” “Chapter One: Peter’s Trip to Mr. McGregor’s Garden…” I’ve read for about 20 minutes when I notice Kalyn has fallen asleep with her gray bunny wrapped snuggly in her arms. I smile softly and place the book on her side table and watch her steady breathing. I reach over and gently brush her long brown hair away from her face. She’s such a sweet and beautiful little girl. I hated that she had to be here. She should be at home in her warm bed being tucked in by her mother. This place broke my heart but it also ignited the best part of me. The reason I wanted to become a nurse in the first place. Kalyn held a special place in my heart. I met her two months ago when I was assigned to the children’s ward as part of my training. She reminded me so much of my little sister Anna. She too had a beautiful smile and sweet spirit about her. She was always trying to make everyone around her happy. She was energetic, full of life and hope for her future. Every day with her, the sun was shining even if it was pouring out. She was 8 when the Leukemia took her from us. It happened so fast my mother and I barely had time to accept that she was sick. Suddenly she was in the hospital and two weeks later, gone. I was 11 at the time and felt as though our home had gone from a bright happy place to a dark reflection of our former life. The house felt so empty when Anna died. It was as if our hearts had been ripped from our bodies and all that was left of us were empty shells of the way we used to be. My mother broke. I tried so hard to hide my grief around her. I somehow knew she couldn’t handle mine too. Her eyes, once full of life and joy, were vacant and strange. She would hug me and it seemed as though it was someone else. At the time I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t enough for her. I needed her too but she had nothing left to give. The loss of her child was too much to bear even with one still left behind. She spent days in bed. Her curtains drawn shut. I remember thinking when I would poke my head in the door that it seemed like a tomb. I hated my father more than ever in those moments. He left us when I was 4 and Anna was 1. We never heard from him again. My mother barely spoke of him but I always hoped when I opened the door to her dark room that he would come sweeping in like a knight in shining armor and take care of us the way he always should have. It shouldn’t be me trying to piece my mother back together. It should have been him. We needed someone strong to guide us through our grief. I don’t know if he was even the kind of person that would be capable of such a thing but he should have been. I opened my mother’s door on September 1, 2004. It was my first day of 6th grade and I was dressed and ready with the breakfast I had made my mother on a tray in my hands. Every morning was like this. I would walk down the hall to her bedroom making sure to quicken my pace when I passed Anna’s closed door. Her drawings were still displayed in the shape of heart. She loved to draw animals and was actually quite artistic. They were colorful and cheery… everything she was and I found myself ignoring them as much as possible in order to function without breaking down in a fit of tears. Her room was left untouched. I braved going in to it once but only made it a step inside before turning and running out to cry myself to sleep. Her favorite PJs were still on the floor. Her bed, unmade. A half-finished drawing laying on her pink desktop with her favorite pony pencil beside it. It was all as if someone had paused the movie of her life 20 minutes into it and it never resumed. I walked quietly into my mother’s room and set the tray on her nightstand table. I sat beside her and moved the hair away from her face. “Mom, I’m going to school now.” It was eerily quiet and suddenly I realized when I didn’t see the rising and falling of her chest that something was horribly wrong. “Mom!” I shook her and put my ear to her mouth but heard nothing. She was pale. Her face, expressionless. She looked as though she was sleeping but I knew she wasn’t. I threw the covers off of her and pulled on her arm screaming. “Mom! Mom, wake up! The tears were blurring my vision and running down my face when I stepped on something hard on the floor beside her bed. I couldn’t control the sobs as I reached down to pick it up. I read the label of the prescription bottle not understanding why it was empty and on the floor. At the time, it didn’t make sense but I would later learn what it meant and that calling 911 like I did and hoping so much that she would be okay was as useless as placing a thimble beneath a leaking roof. I turn the light down in Kalyn’s room and close the door softly. I look at my watch and realize that I had gone 10 minutes over my allowable break time. I quicken my pace down the bright glossy hall toward the burn center and see Alaine, the head nurse for tonight’s shift. “I’m so sorry Alaine. I lost track of the time.” She smiles knowingly. “It’s okay Grace. That little girl needed you more than we did. It’s actually still pretty quiet. Just make sure to check rooms 119 and 122. They’re in need of new saline pouches.” “I will Alaine, thanks.” I make my way to the supply closet and stop dead in my tracks as I pass room 144. It couldn’t be… the same man I saw at the bus stop was standing just outside the door and staring in. His hood was still drawn over his head shielding his face from view. I feel my heart beat quicken as I suck in a sharp breath. I hear crying inside the room and jog toward it. “What are you doing here? Get out of the way!” He doesn’t turn at the sound of my voice or even show that he’s heard me. I move around him and enter the room. Mrs. Harlow had her head on her husband’s chest as she wept. His heart rate monitor was flat lined. I push the button signaling a code blue and yell for Alaine. “Mrs. Harlow, please come with me, we need room for the team.” Dr. Eskin and Alaine enter the room with a couple of other nurses. Alaine asks me to take Mrs. Harlow outside of the room and I wrap my arm around her escorting her out as a flurry of activity takes place behind us. I lead her to a blue plastic chair on the opposite side of the hall and help her to sit. Her face is in her hands as she cries softly. I rub her back and look to my left and right for any sign of the man but once again, he’s disappeared. 10 minutes later Dr. Eskin appears with a grim expression and Mrs. Harlow falls into my arms. We all knew it was coming but it didn’t dull the shock. He had been a fire fighter who was badly injured in a factory fire. He had 1st degree burns over 70% of his body and the smoke inhalation he’d suffered had damaged his lungs beyond repair. He was only 29 and had 2 small children at home. My heart broke for Mrs. Harlow and the absence she would have to endure.

Chapter 3

I awoke to the heavy sounds of traffic as the late morning sun glared through my small window. My head ached but nightmares kept me from a peaceful sleep. I was still wearing my scrubs lying on top of my covers as I rolled over to look at the clock on my nightstand. 10:00 a.m. by the time I had gotten home and poured myself in bed it was 3:30 in the morning. I should have felt better after that amount of sleep but I felt exhausted. Two sightings of the strange man had me unnerved. What was he doing there looking in on Mr. Harlow’s room and why did he seem so odd? It was as if he didn’t even exist and my mind was making him up. You’re losing it Grace. You’ve finally snapped. I have to be at the diner in 2 hours for my shift. I sigh wishing so much that I could just crawl back in bed and sleep away the day but calling in sick wasn’t an option especially when 1 shift worth of tips equaled more than my entire wage for the same hours. I shower and dress in the light pink uniform adjusting the white trim collar, slipping my feet into the white canvas shoes. It was a silly uniform really but you had to love New York’s flair for the nostalgic. I looked like a waitress from the 50’s which was fitting given the vintage feel of the rock n’ roll themed diner featuring pictures of Elvis in his prime and a jukebox that played nothing but oldies. Once more, I find myself at the bus stop. At least it wasn’t dark out. I look around at the 6 people waiting with me and notice that not only is the mysterious man absent but the homeless man as well. He was always there, every day, even in the afternoon. There were two people sitting on the bench he was usually taking up and for a moment I found it odd. My mind began to wonder where he could be until I finally chastised myself for being an idiot. He could be anywhere. It wasn’t as if I had tabs on him. ***** My shift is insanely busy. I’m dead on my feet by the time I put my punch card into the machine to end my hours. I flip the “Closed” sign on the door and pull the wad of cash from the front of my apron. I count it out on the table and smile. 120 dollars. Nice. “Wow Grace. Looks like all that flirting is paying off!” I laugh and shake my head. “OK Amber, you got me there. I just can’t resist all those 60 year old men. It’s a weakness.” She giggles and finishes wiping off the countertop and closing out the till. I organize the ones and fives into a neat stack just as something on the TV over the counter catches my attention. The news anchor is a pretty Asian woman sitting behind a glass desk with a backdrop of the New York skyline behind her. “The man who is presumed to have been homeless was found on 92nd and 3rd lying on a bench near the city transit bus stop. Emergency personnel were unable to revive him and he was pronounced dead at the scene. The identity of the man is being withheld until the next of kin is located and notified. In other news…” Her voice fades from my mind as I calculate the coincidence of the creepy man in the hooded sweatshirt being at the scene of 2 deaths in the same night. Was he a sick serial murderer taking out random strangers or was he just in the wrong place at the wrong time. In all truth, I was also in both places at the same time and Mr. Harlow wasn’t going to make it as it was. He had already surpassed the prediction of the doctor and made it 2 days when it was assumed he wouldn’t survive the first night. My mind begins to scan over every possible scenario and again I’m left completely creeped out. What the hell was going on? A terrifying thought enters my mind when I consider that he might actually be following me. He could know where I lived. He definitely knew where I worked… “Grace! Snap out of it!” I look at Amber and notice that she’s staring at me as though I’m a green alien asking to borrow a cup of sugar. “Sorry… something weird is going on. I think I’m losing my mind...” “You can’t lose what you never had in the first place. Now come and help me finish closing. I have kids to get home to.”

Chapter 4

Two weeks had passed since I last saw the man I hadn’t stopped thinking about since. I was more frightened than anything. Could he be watching me everywhere I went? Then this morning I had somewhat of an epiphany as I awoke from a dream where he was strangling me… I’m an idiot. Coincidences happen and that’s all it was. My phone rings and I look over at my alarm clock to see that it’s only 6:00 a.m. I pick it up and answer sleepily. “Hello?” “Grace, I’m sorry if I woke you. This is Alaine.” My heart begins to pound as I think I may have missed a shift. I really wasn’t all there the last couple of weeks and the lack of sleep was getting to me. “Hi Alaine. Did I forget to do something?” “No hon, I know it’s your day off and I’m sorry to bother you but Kalyn has taken a turn for the worse. She’s been asking for you. It seems important to her. You don’t have to come by any means but I thought I’d let you know. I know how much you care about her.” My heart sinks and I instantly feel sick to my stomach. No, not Kalyn. “I’ll be there in 20 minutes. Thank you for letting me know.” I hang up the phone in a daze as I rush to throw on some jeans and a sweatshirt. I call a cab not wanting to wait an hour for the next bus. That hour could mean all the difference so it was worth the last 20 dollars I had in my pocket. I walk through the glossy halls with the same feeling in my gut that I had when the doctors called me in to say my last goodbyes to Anna. Even then I was thinking that it wasn’t too late. Something miraculous could happen and apparently, as I clutched to hope, praying to whoever was listening, that part of me hadn’t changed. I come to room 209 and hold my breath. I didn’t want to go in. I didn’t want to see her looking pale and frail the way my sister did. I wanted her cheeks to be rosy, her smile bright… The door opens suddenly and I see Kalyn’s mother. Her hair is matted and her eyes puffy. I’d imagine she’d been here all night. “Oh, hi Grace.” She steps out and I move out of the way as she closes the door quietly. “Hi Mrs. Delaney. They called me. I hope it’s alright that I’m here.” She reaches out and places her hand on my shoulder while wiping fresh tears from her eyes. “Of course it is Grace. Thank you for coming. She’s been asking for you all morning.” She begins to sob and falls into my arms. I hug her tightly just as I did my mother while I stood and begged whoever was listening to help Anna. I knew it wouldn’t do any good but I couldn’t help it. It was all I could do. She steps back and wipes her face while staring at the diamond patterned floor. I knew how her heart was breaking. Kalyn was her only child. “Please go in Grace. She’s been in and out but I know she’d love to see you. I’ll just go grab a cup of coffee and give you two some time.” She starts down the hall seeming only half aware of her surroundings. She’s looking as though she’s walking without a purpose. I watch after her as she turns suddenly and looks at me through tearful eyes. “Thank you for being such a special person in Kalyn’s life. You gave her something to look forward to when I couldn’t be here and you’ll never know how much I appreciate that.” I’m not sure what to say as she turns and begins walking again. I can hear her sobbing quietly as she rounds the corner and leaves my sight. Her loss of hope puts a sick feeling in my stomach. When a mother concedes, all is lost. I wanted this feeling in my heart to go away. The pain was too much. Why did this have to happen? Why were children stolen for their mothers before they even had a fair chance at life? Why was this world so completely full of pain? Although I didn’t really believe in it, I found myself wishing that there was something after death. Something better… it’s the only thing that would make any of this tolerable. I wanted to believe it so badly. I always thought that heaven was something people made up because living with the truth of their loved ones simply ceasing to exist was too unimaginably painful. This couldn’t be all there was… I open the door softly and look in. Kalyn is lying on her right side, the same gray bunny wrapped tightly in her arms. Her eyes are closed and her breathing is weak and raspy. The rosy cheeks I was hoping so much for were replaced with pale, chalky skin. Her eyes seemed sunken in and the dark circles beneath them made her look so much older than her 6 years. In that moment I felt that my heart stopped beating. Why had I chosen to be a nurse when this was what I would have to look forward to? Perhaps I was some sort of masochist. Maybe I was addicted to heartbreak. I take a deep breath and push the door open the rest of the way. My heart stops beating when I see him standing in front of her window, watching me. His black hood seems to be hiding his entire face in shadow but I can see the reflection of the light on his eyes. My first instinct is to yell for help but I find that I’m frozen in place and can’t find my voice. He’s just standing there, unaffected by my presence. I look down at Kalyn and instantly feel as though I have to protect her. I take a few steps inside the room and stand by her side, watching him the entire time. The room is so quiet. I can hear the humming of the fluorescent light, the beeping of the monitors and my quick, shallow breathing in my ears. He doesn’t move an inch. He just stares as though he’s some sort of bodyguard standing quietly by, ready to act if needed. I feel an anger churning inside of me. I was sick of this person. Who the hell was he? He had no right to be in Kalyn’s room. I stare at him and urge the words to come out of my mouth. “Who are you and why are you here?” He continues to stand quietly and I find that I can’t take it anymore. This had to stop. I was getting to the bottom of this one way or another. I walked across the room, my footsteps quick and heavy as my anger boiled over. “God damn it! Answer me!” I find myself standing in front of him and instantly regret my decision when I notice him towering over me. I felt completely powerless as I took in his size. It seemed as though he could reach out and crush me with one good squeeze. I look up into his face and reach out without thinking, sliding the hood back and off of his head. For the first time I can make out his face and it takes me completely by surprise. I was expecting to see some sort of monster… a rough, scarred beast of a man capable of killing. Instead I saw the most handsome man I’d ever laid eyes on. He had short, thick brown hair and dark eyebrows pulled close in confusion. His green eyes were bright, kind and slightly surprised at my intrusion. He had tanned, olive skin, an attractive mouth with perfectly shaped lips and a strong, square jaw. I felt as though I couldn’t breathe. A warm, dizzying sensation swept over me as though someone had pumped morphine into an IV piercing my vein. I suddenly forgot why I was standing here. The words fell away from my mind and the anger I had been feeling, dissipated. I watch as his hand raises slowly toward my face. He brushes my long brown hair away from my eyes and all I can do is stare back at him as he looks into me… deep inside of me as though he’s looking past my skin and into my soul. He’s wearing an expression of curiosity and amazement. I feel frozen in time as the chill from his soft touch races down my spine. I feel as though I’m prey to one of those wild animals capable of seducing their victims with bright colors and fluid movements just before they strike to kill and consume. I know I should move but I can’t. All reason and self-preservation eludes me. He speaks softly and I find that even his voice is attractive. It’s deep… melodic and entirely captivating. “How can you see me?” I try to breach the surface of this fog clouding my thoughts and judgement. What is he talking about? “It’s difficult not to when you’re standing right in front of me.” “I was told this could happen but in 30 years it never has. I was beginning to think that this hell had no end. I can’t describe what it’s like to wander through this world as it continues spinning, full of life as an anonymous, unseen observer. It is hell… there’s no other explanation for it.” He’s crazy. There it is. My reason has returned. “Are you some kind of psycho? What do you mean 30 years? You don’t look a day over 23. I’m calling the police unless you explain yourself this instant!” Just then I hear a stirring behind me and a tiny raspy voice. “Grace? Is that you?” I look over at Kalyn and rush to her side. “I’m here Kalyn. I’m sorry. How are you feeling?” “Tired.” I look her over and she seems barely able to keep her eyes open. I found myself terrified in that moment that she was slipping away. God, please don’t do this. Please! “Kalyn, stay awake. I need you to stay sweet girl. Just keep fighting. I’m going to get someone.” I feel the tears streaming down my face as her eyes close again. I lower my ear to her mouth and hear faint, difficult breathing. I get up quickly to retrieve the doctor when suddenly, I hear that voice behind me. “She’s dying Grace. There’s nothing you or any of them can do.” I turn with a surprising furiousness. I felt in that moment that the look I was giving him could burn holes into his skin. “How can you say that? What do you know about it?” “I know everything about it. It’s the reason I’m here.” The tears are coming in full force now and my voice comes out in a sob. “What the hell are you talking about? Just go away.” “Grace… I collect those that are about to cross over. Nobody can see me aside from the recently deceased. That is, until you.” “Look, I don’t know if you’re some kind of insane person or what your game is but if you don’t leave now I swear to God!” “He really doesn’t like it when you do that Grace.” Just then I completely lost my cool. “Help! Someone help!” I reach for the emergency call button and press fervently. It really only took once to send someone flying in but I continued pressing in desperation until hands were on my shoulders and I was being led out of the room. “Grace, settle down.” I couldn’t stop the uncontrollable sobbing coming from me. It all felt too close to those memories I tucked deep inside. The pain I had buried beneath with extreme effort. Alaine was rubbing my back as the other doctors filed into the room. Through the crack in the door I could see them listening to Kalyn’s little heart and taking vitals. “Alaine, we need security to get that psycho away from Kalyn. Please call them!” She straightens and leaves my side, jogging toward the room. She disappears from view and returns a moment later. “Grace, who are you talking about?” “The man in the sweatshirt! You can’t miss him. He was right by the window talking like a crazy person!” “Grace, there’s nobody there honey. Just the doctors and Kalyn.” “That can’t be!” I look up into her face through the pooling tears, pleading for her to believe me. To tell me that she saw him too and I wasn’t crazy. Alaine looks at me as though I was on the verge of insanity. Her movements around me are careful as though she’s afraid I’m a bomb that might suddenly go off if I wasn’t handled with the most extreme care. “Grace, come with me hon, we’ll go and get you some coffee.” She reaches down to pull me up gently but I shrug my shoulder out from under her and jog toward the room, looking in. He’s watching me, his expression soft and sympathetic. Nobody in the room seems to acknowledge his existence and suddenly I feel that I actually am losing my mind. This must be how it happened for people. The stress, struggle and heartache just builds so much that one day you just snap and never return to the person you were… I allow Alaine to lead me down the hall but want to avoid the cafeteria at all costs. I couldn’t face Kalyn’s mother right now. “I’m just going to go to the locker room and try to gather myself Alaine… I’m sorry for all of that. I just need a moment.” She looks back at me with trusting eyes. The look on her face is one of sadness and consideration. Alaine really seemed to care so much about everyone. She was like the mother of our entire shift. We all felt a maternal connection to her. It was as if every one of us had a special place in her heart and she would go to any lengths to ensure our well-being. “Okay hon. I’ll be in Kalyn’s room. Just holler if you need me ok?” “I will… thank you.” I walk into the locker room and a wave of lemon scented cleaner hits me. I proceed numbly into the dimly lit locker area and sit on the wooden bench as my face falls into my hands. This just can’t be happening. I feel a prickling on the back of my neck and the tiny hairs stand on end. He’s near. I felt the same sensation each time I saw him and this was no different. I don’t need to look around to know that he’s standing behind me. “Just go away…” My voice is raspy. My eyes tired from the crying and the usual headache that accompanies such things is throbbing. I haven’t the energy to really care that he’s there I just find myself wanting to be completely alone. I felt so powerless… useless. I was simply tired of grief. His melodic voice seems to sooth as he begins speaking but it only annoys me further. “Grace, I’m not sure why this is happening but there has to be a reason that you can see me when nobody else can. It makes me think that we’re supposed to work together for something, though I’m not sure what.” “Look, whoever you are. If you really are what you say then your God would probably not appreciate you going out of your way to work with me anyway so… I don’t need anything from you aside from your absence. I haven’t exactly been a faithful Christian servant. You’re wasting your time.” I hear a gentle laugh and find that if possible, it’s even more pleasant than his speaking voice. It’s genuine and kind, devoid of sarcasm. “Grace, you’re not the first to doubt. Trust me, he’s the forgiving type and he loves you… always has, even if you didn’t know it.” I turn on him with a renewed anger boiling in my gut. “If this God you so highly speak of loves me, then why is he so intent on making me and so many others, suffer so much? There is no way that a loving God would allow innocent children to be taken too early from this world and leave behind those that actually did love them to suffer the loss! You can just tell your God that he sucks at loving people and should just go… go to hell!” A boisterous laugh erupts from behind me and I rise with a new determination to let loose of this anger. I might even slap him. I step closely to his face refusing to admit that again his appearance caught me completely off guard. There was a light behind his eyes and a humorous curve of his lips so completely appealing I felt like slapping him twice. His chestnut hair was slightly rebellious and falling over his forehead. God I hate him. “Leave me alone!” I hear the door open and my heart jumps in my chest. Alaine walks in slowly perhaps wondering if she’s interrupted a private argument. “Grace? Are you OK? Who are you talking to honey?” I look up at him still smiling back at me and un-ball the fists I hadn’t realized I’d been holding stiffly at my sides until just now. I sigh, realizing there was no point. “Nobody.” I turn pointedly away from him as dismissively as I could and approached Alaine. My voice turns desperate. “How is she Alaine?” She lowers her face and takes a deep breath. It’s never good when she does that so I’m naturally expecting the worst. “The doctor has decided that she needs a stem cell transplant as soon as possible. There are simply no other options.” I shake my head. “But, I thought that they weren’t able to find a match. The mother didn’t have what she needed… I thought the Chemo was working! Isn’t that kind of procedure dangerous? A last resort?” She sighs sadly. “We all did Grace but it’s returned with a vengeance and yes, but we have no other options. She’s not doing well and will surely die without the procedure.” It hits me suddenly like a ton of bricks. “Test me Alaine. Please.” She looks at me curiously, a small spark of hope behind her eyes. Any hope at this point was something. “You would do that Grace, for a girl you barely know?” “Of course, I can’t believe I didn’t think of it before she just seemed to be responding so well to the Chemo…” “You may not be a match Grace… just keep that in mind. Despite everything it still may not work. I’m worried for you and your attachment to this little girl.” “Let’s just do it. We’ll worry about everything else as it comes.”

Chapter 6

The surgery went well. I laid in the hospital bed, still groggy from the medication they had given me to put me under. I had been a match! It was like I could fly when they told me and had to all but restrain me as I waited the 2 hours it took to get me into an operating room. I found myself praying. Really praying for the first time thinking that someone might really be listening. Please let this work… she deserves a chance. I tried to stand several times but felt sore and woozy. I wanted so badly to find out how she was doing. They were still operating last I heard but no one had come in over the last hour to give me an update. I tapped the side rail of the bed impatiently not liking at all the change from nurse to patient. I felt more helpless than ever. I began counting the ceiling tiles for what seemed like the 20th time as I heard a familiar voice from the left side of the room. He was sitting in a chair beside my bed and watching me curiously as I turned to look at him. “What’s the matter? Finding yourself without a job to do?” I chimed happily. I felt as though I had somehow succeeded in keeping Kalyn from his grasp. 1 for me. 0 for the bad guy. I had a stupid, sly grin on my face and knew it was somewhat inappropriate but it really did feel like winning. He laughs. “Trust me, I don’t exactly enjoy my job so I’m glad to suffer the idle time and getting the opportunity to see that silly smirk on your face.” My smile lessens. “Can you tell how she’s doing? Do you… feel that sort of thing, like in your gut or something?” Again, he laughs. “It’s actually somewhat of a silent summoning. I just gravitate to where I’m needed and interestingly enough, I wound up here.” The most charming smile curves his lips and I can’t help but smile back. I know it was a stick at me but still, who could resist that contagious smile of his. “As for how she’s doing… I suppose she is no longer dying for the moment since I have the time to sit here with you.” The smile dissipates from my face as quickly as it had arrived. “How can you talk about such a thing so lightly? Doesn’t it matter to you?” His smile is also gone now and the look on his face is as though he’s sorting through ghosts of memory. I feel slightly sorry for my brash comment but really, how could he do what he does and live with himself?

He looks at me again, so deeply, just as before… searching my soul for something. I shift, unable to hold his intense gaze and feel a heat flushing my cheeks. “I didn’t exactly choose this Grace. I’m not sure why I have to do it except that I was told there was something about me that made it appropriate. I was just like you once you know… alive and oblivious to the inner workings of the universe. Then, I suddenly wasn’t.” My eyes fall to the floor. It had never occurred to me that he had once died. That he was not walking among the living just hadn’t crossed my mind. I felt instantly ashamed of myself and the tone of my voice reflected it. “How did you die?” It almost came out as an inaudible whisper and I regretted saying it instantly but curiosity had won over manners. I wasn’t exactly accustomed to speaking politely to a dead person. His face is unreadable as he stares at the linens covering the foot of my bed. He was massaging his hands absentmindedly and seemed intensely uncomfortable. “I’m sorry… I don’t even know your name so I suppose I shouldn’t ask such questions. You really don’t have to answer that.” His voice, while still beautiful is laced with a sadness I hadn’t detected before. “I don’t remember everything…” He trails off as his brow furrows. It looks as though he’s concentrating hard on the memory but also trying to ward it off at the same time. “I remember an accident. I was with my little sister. She was 13 at the time and I was driving her to a dance recital. I was home from college and it was a Nutcracker performance. She was so excited to have gotten the lead… Clara I think. I remember her vividly, so beautiful and full of joy. “My mother couldn’t make it until later because of work, so she asked me to get her there.” I watch as a small smile forms on his lips as he remembers the pleasant scene. “It was the first real snow of the season. It was coming down in huge, beautiful flakes and Jessica was going on and on about how wonderful it was as she looked out the window. I just remember looking over at her, with her nose pressed to the window and then suddenly…” He pauses, I see a glaze of tears covering his eyes. I seem to be holding my breath wanting him to finish but also wishing he wouldn’t. “Someone had slid through a stop sign, I think… unable to stop in the slick conditions. We were hit hard on Jessica’s side and pushed off the road. The car just began to roll and didn’t stop for what seemed like an eternity until everything was suddenly wet and cold. I realized then that we had rolled down the hill and into the river. I just remember an intense pain in my leg and the stinging of the frigid water as the car began to sink. I noticed that Jessica was bleeding from her head and wasn’t responding to my voice. The white ribbon in her hair was soaked in blood and I remember thinking only of getting her out as quickly as I could. I heard voices from on top of the hill as the car began to slide further into the water. I struggled with her seatbelt and rolled my window down because my door wouldn’t open. The water started rushing in and I began to panic, thinking that it was a bad move but then I saw a flashlight streaming in through the window on Jessica’s side. Her door was crushed in and wouldn’t open. They struggled with it for a moment and then I remember yelling that I was going to bring her out on my side as I heard someone climbing on the roof of the car. I got her loose and slid her over my lap toward the window. I saw hands reaching down for her and lifted her enough so they could reach. They pulled her up and out by her arms and I remember feeling the greatest sense of relief until I tried to get myself out of my seat. That’s when I realized that the impact had lodged my leg beneath the dash. I looked down and saw a cloud of blood with each pull as I attempted to release my leg to no avail. I saw hands again reaching over the top of the car as it began to creak and slide further in. The car was beginning to tip on its side now and I yelled for them to get back and away. I could see Jessica being carried up the hill by EMTs on a stretcher through the passenger side window. The flashing emergency lights reflecting off the snow falling above the hill. Then suddenly I was upside down, submerged in frigid water and being carried downstream. I held my breath, knowing it was over but also, so completely at peace knowing that Jessica would be OK. I felt the warmest sensation come over me just before I could remember nothing else…” I let out the breath I had been holding and felt the warm stream of tears running down my face. I hadn’t realized until now that I was crying. I couldn’t believe what he had been through and the pain he must have suffered through the telling of such a horrific memory. “Did she survive?” I realized then that I was clutching the white sheet in my hands, staring, wide-eyed and un-blinking. He smiles radiantly then as though he found a bright open door in the dark haze of his memories. “She did. She lives still. She has a husband and two kids… she became a professional dancer and is a ballet instructor now in Maine.” I find myself smiling as well. My heart warmed with the thought that he had saved his sister’s life and she’s living it fully still. It then begins to fade as I realize all that he’d lost. I can’t imagine remembering my own death. It must be so lonely and heartbreaking to exist in the world among the living when life is no longer a gift that you possess for yourself. Just then I hear a soft knock on the door and Kalyn’s mother peaks in. “Hi Grace, can I come in?” “Of course! How is she?” I notice that her eyes are shining with a glimmer of hope. She seemed so lost earlier, like a woman without a purpose but she walks to my bedside now with a smile… as a mother who still has a child to care for. “She’s doing wonderfully. She hasn’t come to yet but she’s recovering. Her vitals are strong and her breathing steady. I don’t know how to thank you Grace…” She looks down at her hands and I notice a single tear running down her cheek. “You really are like our guardian angel.” I turn then and look at the handsome man that only I could see. It struck me as amusing that she was calling me an angel when there he was, sitting beside me. He grins and leans back in his chair, never taking his eyes off of me. “I’m so happy to do it Mrs. Delaney… Kalyn is so special and she deserves every chance.” The tears start coming down steadily as she leans over and places a soft kiss on my forehead. I’m struck by the memory of my mother doing the same when she would tuck me in at night. Mrs. Delaney reminded me of her so much. She begins to walk away and looks over her shoulder with a small smile. “I’ll let you know straight away when she wakes up. I know she would love to see you Grace.” I smile up at her feeling suddenly peaceful, knowing she was OK and allowing myself to be taken over by the sleepiness I had been fighting off until now. “Thank you.” I whisper as she shuts the door quietly. The last thing I remember is looking over at the handsome angel sitting in the chair, watching me. He looked somewhat sad for some reason but before I could comprehend why, I was lost in dreams.

Chapter 7

I dreamt of my mother. She was standing in the middle of a large green field covered in tall wildflowers of every color. She was wearing a long white dress made of lace and tulle. I was watching from the lush tree line, captivated by her beauty. Her hair was as long as I remembered and light golden brown. The sun reflecting off of her natural highlights made her look as though she was glowing. I could see her wide, beautiful smile from where I stood, completely immersed in the scene before me. People always told me I was a spitting image of my mother, from the long brown hair to the bright hazel eyes and fair complexion. I was the same height as well with a similar slim frame. I heard a laugh then. It was innocent, sweet and unbridled. I knew that laugh instantly and found myself scanning the field for Anna. She came into view as she ran up the hill toward our mother. Her dress was also white and fell to her knees. She had a bright yellow sash tied around her little waist. Her long brown hair was left loose and flying behind her as she ran. They embraced then and laughed, looking so completely happy as our mother took her in her arms and spun in tight circles among the wildflowers. It was a perfect picture and seemed to come straight from my most favorite memories of them. I found myself entering the field and walking toward them at first, then breaking into a jog as I yelled toward them. “Mother! Anna!” They looked at me then and stopped spinning. They were both smiling as though they recognized me. My mother set Anna down and motioned for me to come with her hand. I ran harder, wanting to reach them as quickly as I could. It felt effortless to run. I couldn’t remember feeling this way since I was a child. I noticed my hands then, so small and delicate. I stopped and looked down noticing the white dress and my small, bare feet. I touched my face and felt round, youthful cheeks. I knew then that I was the same age as I was when Anna died. I didn’t stop to question why, I just found happiness, feeling as though we could just pick up where we were in the happiest moment of our lives. I felt a renewed energy, thinking only of hugging Anna and being in my mother’s loving arms once more. I heard a faint voice calling from the woods. It sounded like my name but I couldn’t be sure. I stopped and looked toward the tree line. It was getting louder and sounded so familiar but I couldn’t place it. I looked back toward my mother and Anna feeling torn somehow as though I was supposed to be somewhere else. They were still watching me, smiling… waiting. Then it came through clear and strong. “Grace! Come on Grace, stay with us.” I felt as though I was being pulled backward. An invisible force wrapping its arms around me and carrying me back toward the wood line. I yelled for my mother, suddenly frightened that I would lose them again. I kicked and reached my arms out for her but the force pulling me back was so strong, I felt helpless against it. Then just as quickly as I had emerged from the woods, I was pulled into darkness… and pain. I felt a shock roll through my body and gasped for air. “She’s back. We’ve got her.” A voice said desperately. Alaine? It was all coming back to me quickly. I recognized all of the voices as those of people I worked with. I felt a hand on my forehead. A needle prick in my arm and the discomfort of a bright light threatening to penetrate my eyelids. I blinked against it, not wanting to open my eyes. My heart felt as though it was beating 1000 times its usual rhythm and the pain in my chest made me want to retreat back into sleep. I mumble, “The light.” feeling instant relief as the harsh beam leaves my face and I’m able to open my eyes. I blink through the heavy weight of my lids and look around me. Alaine is standing over me, she looked worried and motherly as usual. “We thought we lost you Grace. Thank God.” “What happened?” “You developed an infection somehow and it just raged through your body, shutting everything down. We didn’t catch it after your surgery, it had seemed to go so well that we weren’t concerned. God, I’m so sorry Grace. Thank God your back with us. Your heart completely stopped. It took us a full minute and a half to get you back.” “I was dead?” She looks over at the doctor, suddenly uncomfortable. “I’m so sorry Grace.” Tears started pooling in my eyes. I wanted to go back. If that was death, then it was beautiful and perfect. Easy and comforting. Never had I imagined that I could be reunited with my mother and sister in such a beautiful and perfect place. Heaven existed… it was real. The realization pulls over me like a warm, comforting blanket. Suddenly I find myself remembering him and looking around. I see him standing against the wall, looking out the window. He looks so completely perfect yet sad. “We’re going to get you out of this operating room and into a more comfortable one as soon as I can arrange it Grace. Are you feeling OK?” “Well, alive I suppose.” I smile weakly at her and she runs her thumb over my forehead. “Is there anyone you would like us to call honey?” I think bitterly that the only people I would have liked to know anything were where I wanted to be but couldn’t. “No, but thank you.” She looks me over with a sad expression. “I’m going to go and get things arranged for you. Let me know if you think of someone.” “OK… thank you.” She leaves the room and the last remaining doctors and nurses are milling around and completing tasks. After some time they complete their work and take their leave, closing the door softly behind them. “Well, I suppose I know why you felt compelled to be near me earlier.” I laugh weakly and feel tears sliding down the side of my face and into my ears. He looks over at me then and walks toward the bed. His eyes are full of sadness and worry. He smiles but the expression doesn’t reach his eyes. “I really thought it was just because you’re so completely charming, beautiful and for some reason I can’t seem to figure out, the only friend I have in this world.” I laugh lightly feeling an immense pressure in my chest as though a thousand pound weight was placed there. “Is that what it’s like for everyone? Heaven, I mean.” “Everyone’s heaven is different from what I understand but if you mean beautiful and perfect, then yes.” He sits in the chair beside me then and brushes the hair lightly away from my face. His green eyes were so beautiful… so full of kindness and light. His brown hair was falling over his forehead slightly and the look on his face, full of concern for me, made my heart so full I felt that it might explode. “What is your name?” I ask, holding back the raw emotions raging through my insides. He smiles then, an utterly beautiful, uninhibited smile. “Michael.” I test the name and whisper, “Michael.” It seemed to fit him perfectly. He smiles again but the sadness behind his eyes leaves me feeling uneasy. What did he know that he wasn’t telling me? “Michael, what’s wrong? Is it Kalyn?” He looks down at his hands then and seems to be sorting through his thoughts for the right words. The pain in my chest returns and I find myself worried of what he might say. “There’s something I didn’t mention in the story about my sister…” He looks at me carefully as though what he’s about to say will have a major impact on me. I hold my breath, waiting for him to continue. He takes a deep breath. “When I died, I didn’t go to my heaven. I was in the car and then suddenly, in an emergency room standing over Jessica. “The doctors were yelling for things and working on her. I couldn’t understand what was happening or why I was there but I knew… I felt, that she was dying. It was the same feeling I get now when I’m needed to help someone cross from this life into the next. “She was unconscious and had a tube in her throat. They kept yelling that she was slipping away and I felt compelled to reach out to her and help but I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly I had the answers, though I couldn’t tell you how they came to me. It was as if someone installed a thought into my head and I knew that I had the power to save her. A miracle. When you die in the act of trying to save someone, you’re gifted with one miracle. A chance to truly save that person if what you did at first wasn’t enough. “Although, as I found out later, it has a price. The price was my heaven. I knew that if I saved Jessica, I would never be able to join her there. I would have to stay and continue my existence as what I am, someone who helps other’s to reach their own afterlife. A guide of sorts. “I know now why you can see me. I’m meant to guide you through this decision you will have to make. They don’t know it yet but their efforts to save your life are simply not enough. The damage has been done.” I feel overwhelmed and can’t seem to speak. My mind is reeling. I feel so completely under water… so lost and confused. It hits me hard and I begin to cry. “So… I’m going to die.” As he looks away, I know I don’t need him to answer. “The choice you’re talking about… that means that Kalyn is going to die as well, despite everything.” I see a single tear sliding slowly down his cheek as he looks back at me… deep into my soul again. I had never felt so completely seen before. It was as if he had the power to know me in every way. Every secret, imperfection, fear and joy. He knew my heart in its entirety and it showed through his eyes as he watched me… waiting for the things he said to sink in and take effect. I felt a heaviness sweeping over me. The same sleepy drifting that had come over me before I saw my mother and Anna. Remembering their happiness crushes my heart. I had felt so content in that field, so devoid of pain and sadness. It was a perfection I could have never hoped for before. I had a choice to make and I knew it was going to break my heart because it really wasn’t a choice at all. The pain in my chest begins to subside and I watch Michael looking over me, somehow brighter than before. He was even more beautiful if such a thing was possible. A haze begins to form in the room and only he is clearly visible. He’s reaching his hand out to me as I hear muffled voices and blurred images scattering over the room. He pulls me up and out of bed and again I feel healthy and strong as though I was in perfect health. There was no more pain. I felt light and free as I came to stand before him. The muffled sounds in the room are heightened and the blurred images I can now discern as people… doctors and nurses moving about the room in a slow motion panic. I look back at the bed and realize that I’m still there. It looks as though I’m sleeping but I know I’m not. Michael pulls me into his arms and wraps them tightly around me. He smells of the woods, fresh and clean. His embrace warm and comforting. I feel no fear even as I watch them pushing on my chest and breathing into my mouth, trying so hard to revive me. It’s silent. Completely silent. This is why he does what he does. I realize it then so clearly. I feel as though I’m melting into him and every worldly pain I’ve ever suffered is completely absent. How could I have ever felt that he was anything but wonderful? He speaks then, melodic and sweet. “There’s someone who would like to see you. Can you feel it?” I look up into his green eyes, the eyes only an angel could have and nod my head. The pulling of my soul was as clear as a request spoken. Kalyn.

Chapter 8

Michael is holding my hand as I enter her room. Her mother is there, crying softly over her. I can feel Kalyn’s presence... her soul, I think. I watch the monitor as her heartbeat weakens, the beeps becoming ever slower and with each sound I feel her, stronger than before. Mrs. Delaney begins to panic, rubbing her daughter’s head with a desperate care. I can see Kalyn begin to sit up just as the monitor signals a flat line. Her pale, lifeless body behind her, the soul sitting before me bright and glowing as though she was in the best health of her life. She looks up at me and smiles. She looks so completely perfect. I feel the tears stinging my eyes as I run to her and fall to my knees before her, taking her in a full embrace. Mrs. Delaney runs from the room and again, the world is in slow motion, the sounds muffled. “Grace! You’re glowing. You look so beautiful… like an angel. Are you an angel?” The tears stream down my face at the sound of her sweet healthy voice, devoid of sickness or the rasp that had begun to steal the innocent chime from her vocal cords. I laugh through my tears brushing the glossy brown hair from her face. “Something like that sweet girl.” “Is this your boyfriend?” I look back at Michael standing behind me with tearful eyes. He’s watching her gently with an amused smirk on his face. I laugh again, a real laugh, full of joy knowing that I can make everything right in the world for Kalyn. She deserved her life, no matter the cost I would have to endure… the happiness I would sacrifice. “Kalyn, I love you so much. You’re going to have a long, beautiful life… you’re going to be my miracle.” She looks behind her toward her small, sleeping body seeming to grasp what I was saying. “But, can’t I just stay with you?” I feel a stab in my heart as she looks at me with her beautiful, pleading eyes. “You need to live Kalyn. You need to take care of your mother, she needs you.” I take a breath, feeling as though I might crumble as I watch her absorbing my words. “I’ll always be with you… I promise.” I reach over and run my fingers lightly over the cover of my most prized possession. “Will you take care of this for me?” Her eyes follow my motion and she nods her head, looking at the book and smiling at the gift of it. I reach out again and hug her with everything I have. I feel the tears streaming from my eyes and lightly brush her back with my fingertips before helping her to lay back gently. She looks like a mirage lying above her body. Her soul awake and healthy, her body sleeping and pale. I place my hand over her heart and gently brush her cheek with the back of my hand, sitting beside her. I can feel the sickness being pulled from her body. I sense her health returning as she begins to mold her soul and body until she’s one again… whole, complete and healthy. The monitor is displaying a normal rhythm just as her mother returns and the doctors and nurses file in. I back away from her watching as the color returns to her cheeks, her eyes become youthful again devoid of the black circles exposing her sickness. Her hair is long and healthy and she appears to be no different than a peacefully slumbering child. I stand back and watch as Michael hugs my back to him. The doctors and nurses are talking quietly, completely astounded by what they found when coming into the room expecting the worst but finding that a miracle had occurred. Kalyn opens her eyes and looks at her mother. Mrs. Delaney falls over her daughter and hugs her tightly. “Oh Kalyn! My sweet girl! You’re OK… I can’t believe it.” “Mommy, where’s Grace?” Her mother looks up at Alaine who had entered the room with the doctors. She shakes her head sadly and Mrs. Delaney begins to cry. “Oh honey… Grace went to heaven. She saved your life baby.” Her voice is small, filled with the unique chime and honesty of a young, healthy child. “I know… she’s an angel now. The most beautiful angel. She told me that I was going to live and have to take care of you. I don’t feel sick anymore mommy. She took it all away.” Mrs. Delaney looks at Alaine with an open mouth and tearful eyes. Alaine begins to cry and shakes her head, astounded. Michael leans forward and whispers in my ear that it’s time to go. I take one last look at the beautiful scene before me and know that Kalyn will live. She and her mother will take care of one-another for a very long time. She will sleep in her own bed… run and play with all the health and happiness she should have never lost and her world will be bright again. I lay my hand on the beautiful book sitting on her bedside table. I feel tears as I leave behind my most precious memory. For you Kaley, please don’t forget me or the amazing gift that is your life. I follow Michael from the room as tears fall from my eyes knowing what I’ve lost but also what I’ve gained. I’m not sure what this existence will be like but if my purpose is to comfort others and make the transition from this world to the next a beautiful and non-fearful experience than I suppose it will be much like it was in life. Perhaps there will be a day when I will see my mother and Anna again but as I walk through the glossy halls with Michael’s hand in mine I find that this is also a sort of heaven and I wasn’t completely without the gifts and joys of life. At least we would have each other. Fall from Grace

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