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Butcher Baker, Today, on Timesuck Cold Open: Alaska. The most remote part of the United States. So much uninhabited land. In total area, it’s twice the size of Texas. With over 375 million acres, it’s bigger than Texas, California, and Montana combined. And it has less people living there than North Dakota and just slightly more people than Vermont. You can really get away from people in Alaska. So many places where you can find yourself with NOBODY else around for miles and miles and miles. And Alaska resident Robert Hansen, an Anchorage-based baker, chose to use this uninhabited remoteness to his raping and murderous advantage for over a decade. In the late 1970’s, Anchorage police began receiving steady reports about missing prostitutes and topless dancers. Initially these disappearances caused little concern, as such girls were notorious for leaving at a moments notice, usually without telling anyone where they were going. But their bodies began to be found. And soon, Alaskan police knew they had a serial killer in their midst. We take a look at Alaska, America’s 49th state, and it’s most notorious serial killer, Robert Hansen aka the Butcher Baker, today, on Timesuck. PAUSE TIMESUCK INTRO I.Welcome! A.Happy Monday: Hello Meatsacks. Happy Monday! Welcome back to the Cult of the Curious. Welcome back to more True Crime after a brief historical break. I’m Dan Cummins, aka Master Sucker, aka the Suck Lord, aka Prophet of Nimrod and neither a butcher nor a baker. Unless tater tot casserole counts. I can bake the shit out of one of those. Cream of mushroom soup. Green beans. Ground beef. Tater tots. Lawry’s seasoning salt. 350 degrees. And then get the fuck into my belly where you won’t stay long because you will tear my insides apart. You are listening to Timesuck. Recording today in the Suck Dungeon in Couer d’Alene, Idaho. withReverend Doctor Joe Motherfuckin’ Paisley and Zaq Script Keeper Flannary, the last day before a vacation. Recording this two weeks ahead of time. Hope the world still exists. Hope you’re not listening to this in a dystopian, post apocalyptic nightmare. Hope the world didn’t fall apart in two short weeks. Hail Nimrod! Hail Lucifina! Praise Bojangles! And fuck Robert Hansen. B.Charity: Thanks again to our Patreon Space Lizards for helping us to donate $2600 this month to 100+ Abandoned Dogs of Everglades Florida Rescue. Link in the episode description if you’d like to find out more or donate to this no kill shelter yourself. http://100plusabandoneddogsofevergladesflorida.org/ C.Tour Dates: July 26-27 Cincinnati, OH West Liberty Funnybone August 1-3 Charlotte, NC, The Comedy Zone August 4 Richmond, VA, The Funny Bone August 9-10 Orlando, FL, The Improv The next live Ant Hill Kids Cult Suck in Orlando on August 11th. Thursday August 29th, Comedy Store Hollywood, CA August 30,31 & September 1st - Comedy Store, La Jolla, CA D.Merch Announcement: My new vinyl album, Feel the Heat, out TODAY. Hail Nimrod! The Fuck Chuck story, the burning my ween on a heater story and more on WAX. Various limited edition pressings available right now from the Romanus Record vinyl Gods. The link to buy this album is in today’s episode description. Just click that bad boy to go the Romanus Records Shopify store. https://romanusrecords.myshopify.com/pages/dan-cummins-feel-the- heat-space-lizard-early-access-pre-order E.Merch: Another cool tee in the store today. Reminds me of the shirts I wore as a kid in the best possible way. Reminds of tees I wore in first and second grade in Anchorage Alaska actually. Old school He Man Master of the Universe vibes. It’s a Suckmaster King of the Lizards ringer tee and if you don’t like or need a ringer tee, check it out just for the Axis Apparel design. Very pulp fiction sci-fi. It’s a work of tee shirt art. It’s an Anvil 100% cotton ringer also made out of 100% Lemurian three-and-a-half dimensional invisibility ability. Also made out of 100% David Icke power chakra. Also made out of some shit I can’t even talk about because the Raelians have told me to stay quiet about it. Those alien worshippers told me to tell you guys just to wear it and don’t ask too many questions or worry about it. But for real - at LEAST check out the design. Hail Axis Apparel! F. Segue to Topic: And now … it’s time to dive into another Space Lizard chosen topic. Robert the Butcher Baker Hansen. PAUSE TIMESUCK INTERLUDE II.Intro/Establish Premiss: Robert Hansen was a serial rapist with at least 30 victims that survived and a minimum of 17 who were raped and murdered. Hansen, like too many others, was a serial killers who got away with serial killing because he didn’t come across like a serial killer to the people around him. He seemed like a nice, family-man, donut baker. Who makes delivious chocolate cake donuts AND hunts women in the woods? In a perfect world - no one. In this world, at least Robert Hansen as done that. Hansen was an award winning hunter who put his hunting skills to use on human beings. He was also successful bakery owner. So weird. Local police buying donuts made by the guy they’re thinking about how they’re gonna catch while they’re eating them. The majority of today’s suck is gonna take place in a big ol’ Timesuck Timeline we’re gonna jump into after today’s first sponsor. III.Away Midroll: Timesuck today is brought to you by Away Travel! Away offers high-quality luggage at a much lower price by cutting out the middleman and selling directly to you! Choose from nine colors and four sizes: The Carry-On, The Bigger Carry- On (both of which are compliant with all major US airlines), The Medium, or The Large. All suitcases are made with premium German polycarbonate, which is lightweight and unrivaled in strength and impact resistance. And, the 360- degree spinner wheels guarantee a smooth ride. Best of all, both sizes of the Carry-On are able to charge anything that’s powered by a USB cord! And, thanks to their lifetime warranty: if anything breaks, Away will fix or replace it. Try it for 100-Days and if at any point you decide it’s not for you, return it for a full refund – no questions asked. I’m on vacation right now in Peru and Mexico with my wife Lynze, Kyler, and Monroe. And we have three Away suitcases with us. Two large suitcases and one bigger carry on. And they are awesome. I tried other suitcases and most would break in the first four months because I fly from 100k to 150k miles a year. And I’ll put seventy pounds of merch in the big suitcase. And that breaks mosts suitcases wheels in about ten to fifteen trips. Not these suitcases. Literally not anything break in any of them. And I’ve been using the carry on for over a year now. And I’ve put about 75,000 miles on one of the big boys. Get your money’s worth with an extremely durable suitcase. And save money! For $20 off a suitcase, visit awaytravel.com/timesuck and use promo code TIMESUCK during checkout! That’s awaytravel.com/ timesuck and use promo code TIMESUCK for $20 off a suitcase. Link in the episode description. Timesuck Timeline right now. PAUSE TIMESUCK TIMELINE INTRO IV.Timesuck Timeline 1.February 15, 1939: February 15th, 1939, the day after Valentine’s Day, a baby boy is born in Estherville Iowa’s, Coleman Hospital. This baby will grow up to be a man who will NOT become some romantic lover. Maybe if he would’ve just been born ONE day earlier? Maybe that would’ve fixed everything? Maybe Cupid could’ve softened him? Probably not.. This baby is Robert Christian Hansen. He’s born to a Danish immigrant baker named Christian Hansen and his wife Edna. And he’ll soon become an insecure, troubled, angry monster. Jobs were scarce in Estherville, a quaint little town of roughly 6,000 people, a town most famous for a 455 pound meteorite that fell to Earth a few miles north of the town in 1879. 2.1942: So, in 1942, when Robert was three, his family headed west. They moved to Richmond, California just north of San Francisco on the San Francisco Bay where they would live for five years. And in Richmond, Christian and Edna would quickly tire of the hustle and grind of trying to pound out a living in a much more populated area. They longed for the comparatively simple life of small town Iowa and they saved money to move back and open their own bakery. 3.1947: In 1947, the Hansens returned to Iowa with their now ten- year-old son and their two-year-old daughter and they settled in Pocahontas, a small town 125 miles northwest of Des Moines. Founded in 1870 within the county of the same name, Pocahontas was one of many towns created during the rapid settlement of the flat, fertile Midwest “Cornbelt” after the Civil War. The town was named after that famous Virginian Indian princess whose benevolence and interventions on behalf of the Jamestown settlers in the 1600s had made her the symbol of the American Indian welcoming Europeans into the "new world." The basic ethnic mix of the town and its surrounding farms was established by German, Bohemian, Scandinavian, and Irish immigrants.
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