A special thanks to our partners and sponsors

This project was made Partly funded by Designed by the possible due to a local Zurich Community Trust, Survivors Manchester grant from Health Form, part through the Zurich Local Editorial Team, in of the People’s Health Trust Partnership Program accociation with JAMcreative SURVIVORS MANCHESTER Break the Silence [email protected] P.O Box 4325, Manchester. M61 0BG Twenty lads in Manchester come together to tell the collective journey of Survivors Manchester is a company limited by guarantee (Company No: 06811096). Registered Charity in England & Wales (Charity No: 1144941). © 2012, Survivors Manchester. All breaking their silence to fi nd healing trademarks and registered trademarks appearing on this site are the property of their in the hope of helping others. respective owners. “Research suggests 1 in 6 males have experienced abusive sexual experiences before age 18” www.1in6.org

“Three-quarters of sexually abused children did not tell anyone about the abuse at the time. Around a third still had not told anyone about their experience(s) by early adulthood”

Cawson, P. et al. (2000) Child maltreatment in the United Kingdom: a study of the prevalence of child Welcome to Break the Silence, written by male abuse and neglect. London: NSPCC. p.83. survivors for male survivors. The aim of this book is to do something that can be really diff icult to do... talk about the sexual abuse and rape of boys and men. We hope that the boy or man reading this might not feel so alone anymore, because we know how that feels. Dealing with the impact or legacy of sexual abuse can be emotional, confusing, draining, and sometimes feels like it’s just too diff icult and never going to end. But it does get easier, we can’t guarantee when but if you want it to and work at it then it will. That’s where, hopefully, this book comes in useful. 04_A Father’s Legacy This book contains our stories and creative 06_The Monster writing; the drawings and illustrations we 08_In Prison did, and information and advice from us and 10_Speaking Out some professionals. 12_It can’t be that We wanted this to be a book of REAL WORDS from REAL PEOPLE about a REAL ISSUE! 14_Females Abuse Too Some things you read you might fi nd diff icult. 16_Legacy Issues Other things might stir up some emotions. 18_Anger So our best advice is to read it at your own pace, it doesn’t have to be read all at once. 20_Anxiety & Depression The fact that you’ve even picked this up 22_Guilt & Shame proves that you are already breaking the 24_Self Esteem silence, keep going. 26_Self Harm WHAT IS SEXUAL ABUSE? 28_Grooming The NSPCC say “Sexual abuse can be very diff icult to identify” and it’s true. The law 29_Coping says that it is an off ence committed against 30_Reporting It someone that is sexual in nature. We say that sexual abuse is the act(s) of removing 32_Partners View a person(s) power and control using sex. We 34_5 Myths agree with The Survivors Trust, who said: If you want to talk to us about anything in the book or if you want to see what support 36_Psychological Edge “Rape and sexual abuse can happen to anyone Survivors Manchester can off er, check us out 37_Contacts regardless of their age, gender, race, on www.survivorsmanchester.org.uk, religion, culture or social status. Living drop us an email at 38_Charter for Disclosure with the consequences of rape and sexual abuse [email protected] 39_Acknowledgements can be devastating. There is no excuse for or call/text 07919 246 267. rape or sexual abuse” 4 A Father’s Legacy 5

The horrifying truth of one lads experience of what a father was.

A FATHER’S LEGACY By Danny

A father should be a man who; Cares, Loves, Provides, Teaches, and; Cherishes.

My father is a man who; strikes fear into his own son, rapes his son violently, injures, suff ocates and traumatises his son, takes his son to the depths of hell, leaves a dreadful legacy.

Survivors Manchester has taught me how to; take my life back, talk through pieces of my memory, achieve clarity its my own little jigsaw. 6 The Monster 7

THE MONSTER By John

I’m John, a dog groomer from Dublin. I’ve worked with animals for most of my life and opened a dog grooming salon in Manchester in 1992. It was while working at this grooming salon that I was subjected to a vicious and callous rape that my Northern Inuit puppy, Indie, tried bravely to save me from.

I have post-traumatic stress disorder but have learned to manage this on a daily basis thanks to the help I received from my family and friends, Survivors Manchester, Greater Manchester Police and St Mary’s Centre. They helped me to get through the court experience and see THE MONSTER sent to prison for 15 months. He’s on the sex off enders register for 10 years and will never be able to visit a country that requires a visa or work with vulnerable people. His actual sentence was for 4 years but the judicial system being what it is in this country, he was to serve 15 months.

A traumatic story Originally he was meant to be released in of horror & February 2011 but he was gate arrested on his speaking out. release and sent back to prison! HA! He spent time in a hostel and was due to be released again in July but broke his licence conditions and is now, as I am writing, back in prison.

The impact rape has had on my life cannot be overestimated. It has aff ected every aspect of my daily life but I am getting the power back with support. He raped me and I have to carry this legacy! It’s not fair is it?

But now, through support, I no longer feel ashamed or blame myself as I used to. I feel proud, no, really proud that I sent that MONSTER to prison for one of the worst violations of another human being... Rape. 8 In Prison 9

IN PRISONRISON By Leee I spentnt my entire childhood in care, up to the age off 14 being sexually abused by mymy foster father;r; I eventually left when I wasw 14. Althoughugh I was disruptive throughout thro my time in school it was when I left that I started to drink most nights and started to get very angry which resulted in me committing a number of serious violent crimes, between the ages of 17 and 21 I spent all but 15 months in prison. This is a cycle that I am sure would have continued unless I addressed the fact that I was abused. During my 2nd sentence which was 3 years I had A life almost ruined by a year and half to get some help. The help I the actions of one boys needed wasn’t readily available through the foster father. prison and they would only off er group work. Eventually I managed to convince the prison and probation service to pay for one to one counselling which I had weekly for 15 months. This was my last time in prison. What made the difference? I stopped blaming myself, it wasn’t my fault. I started to understand why I felt the way I did, why I reacted the way I did and most importantly that my reaction was normal. 10 Speaking Out 11

SPEAKING OUT When I was 7, I went through the atrocity of sexual abuse. Up to 6 months ago, aged 23, By Jason I had kept everything bottled up. I told no one. I felt it was my fault, I was scared and I felt like I was on my own, thinking over the years what people would think. Would anyone believe me? Would I become the butt of dirty jokes? In 2010, the Police came to my house and asked me if I had ever been sexually abused. I was stunned. It came out of the blue. After calming down they asked me if I would do a statement and after 10 mins I said I would. It was not easy having to talk about the most traumatic time I had ever been through. I did a statement over a video link but it took 6 months to do it. It took that long because even though I was speaking to a male, I still felt very uneasy. The Police were very good to me, I knew I wasn’t on my own anymore. As time went on towards the trial, speaking more about it made my confi dence grow. But going through the trial, it aff ected me more than I thought. Meeting the attacker face to face and seeing him go to prison for what he had done to me, that weight on my shoulders which I had for 16 years gradually got lighter. In May 2012 I told my story to Bella Magazine, just for the reason that I dont want other people in the situation I was in; to suff er in silence. Speak out, let other people know about the bastards who live around us. Never feel alone. I want to give back because I know through experience how bad it can be. There is support and help out there so don’t suff er in silence. I hope this book can give hope and peace for people going through a traumatic time as I did. I hope you will fi nd this information inspiring. If you would like to read my story go on the web and get Bella Issue 31, or check out Survivors Manchester for more details. Mistakes are always forgiven, Keep strong from Jason. if one has the courage to admit them. That’s what I have done. 12 It Can’t Be That 13

IT CAN’T BE THAT By Terry

Often, daily even, The addiction, I’d say to myself isolation, four simple words; degradation, spiralling deeper “It can’t be that.” and darker. After all it was “It can’t be that.” such a short and trivial sentence of The attempts, the no importance. So if wanting and such I could see it like strong conviction to this, then surely the not be here. meaning behind it was “It can’t be that.” just as irrelevant. But I am still here. It was the poverty I’m a survivor. I was born in, why I’m getting back I found school so all that he took, hard, the study, the the strength, trust, bullying, I just belief and so much didn’t fi t in. more. I still say “It can’t be that.” a simple four word sentence, not daily Why I rebelled so though, only because much, the crime, for sometimes and for the violence and the past times, juvenile intro to drink, drugs and “IT’S BECAUSE the sex. OF THAT!” “It can’t be that.” That… the selection, manipulation through The jobs, the family, false aff ection, the friends I lost, the violation and didn’t matter, it is rejection. how it is, no one cared anyway, least Because THAT is abuse, of all me. the sexual abuse. “It can’t be that.” 14 Females Abuse Too 15

FEMALES ABUSE TOO This is my truth how females can commit the same vile off ence of By Daniel paedophilia as men do. Prevailing dominant winds are winds that blow from a single general direction at high speed over a particular point on the earth’s surface, this particular point was a street in bury, my bedroom age 8, and the general direction the wind blew from originated from a female perpetrator named hurricane Nicola who raped and abused me. What was left from that particular point in time at that longitude and latitude was a child, with a turbulent under current that turned into a whirlpool inside. From the outside apparently you may not have known it wasn’t that obvious what happened that day, the fi rst time. I must have hid it well sometimes I wonder how did this act slip through the net; the only solace I found was jumping on my BMX and fl ying a top speed down the steepest hill I could fi nd with a diff erent kind of wind blowing through my hair. I remember not caring weather there was traff ic at the bottom this was an early measure of my low self worth. As I mentioned before because it used to be important to me how did I slip through the net how did no one pick up on my change in behaviour withdrawn, disappearing for hours and fi nally “silent”...this was the manipulation working its magic, a sprinkling of evil fairy dust on my voice. Instilled with silence, standby had been pressed on the remote to my lust for life, confi dence and self esteem for 28 long years. What I did over time was tried to reason and justify what had happened the my age changed and after all it was a woman shouldn’t I be grateful surely other lads would say I was lucky to have sex with the baby sitter then I remember I was 7... This wouldn’t go away. The only thing I could fi nd to try and wipe the tape was heroin and crack, this would work for a short period of time but in the background my life was spiralling out of control. I had handed her all the power and was slowly killing myself. This would cement the silence bestowed upon me. Finally through luck I met a worker who had the skills and compassion to open up this can of worms and guide me safely through this mess. This is how I got my power back and gained control I spoke out like I am now and broke the silence. Today I have peace. 16 Legacy Issues 17

LEGACY ISSUES By Duncan & Kman “two of the most powerful The impact, or ‘legacy’ as we call it, words to hear when we’re of being sexually abused as a child or young struggling... ME TOO” person, sexually assaulted or raped as an adult can really aff ect your life. Some people Dr Brene Brown say that they believe the abuse they suff ered as a child has not aff ected them as yet, “The legacy of abuse is or now, and you know what, that maybe true like the after shocks for those individuals. What’s important from an earthquake, they “Ppl fi nk am fi k because I cnt go to remember is that sexual abuse and rape can go on for years but aff ects us all in diff erent ways… experience is normel scool liek efry oen else n understanding them means absolutely unique to the individual. Many of i cnt rite or red propa becoz wen we can be prepared and us may have a shared fear or feel a similar efrey 1 else woz lerning I was cope with them better” way, but just because one individual feels kikin of n fi tin coz I was mad at one way it doesn’t necessarily mean that you wat was appenin at ome and no one Duncan Craig. MBACP should feel or have to feel the same way. giv a shit bowt it. But i no i Our feelings are exactly that; Our Feelings. aint, u ant ad ur dad mesin wiv ur “Alcohol, illicit dik, ano i aint no saint.” drugs, over the counter Suff ering from depression or anxiety; using medication and even drugs or alcohol to block out the memories Kman legal highs have been and nightmares; deliberately harming yourself reported by clients so just for once you can actually make sense to be helpful in of the pain your feeling inside; being angry and kicking off at everyone now, because of alleviating distress how angry you are at yourself for “letting it that is overwhelming happen” (which you didn’t by the way); not them, particularly mental eating or binge eating because it feels good distress related to any for one to have control of what goes into your sexual abuse they have body or not; having sex with random people to experienced. Substance try and get the feeling of being connected to misuse is employed as someone; being confused about your sexuality a coping mechanism; it because of what happened; the list is endless. is a short lived coping But that doesn’t mean everyone will feel the mechanism prone to same legacy issues, or that everyone who does failure in the medium share the same legacy issue will deal with it and long term and should in the same way. The point is that whatever substance misuse and you’re feeling just after or years after being mental ill health abused is normal. co-exist they should be addressed It’s a normal reaction to an abnormal situation! simultaneously. Identifying the legacy issues can be painful and upsetting but take it from us, it’s well Dr Mark Holland worth doing it because when you do, you get to www.dualdiagnosis.co.uk be free from the shit! 18 Anger 19

ANGER By John and to feel with the heart COMMUNICATE ASSERTIVELY FORGIVE BUT DON’T FORGET It seems that anger has been of another. To manage anger, a constant issue for most of Good communication skills Anger is often the result it often helps to see our my life. As a sexually abused are an essential ingredient of grievances we hold toward anger as a combination of child I often reached for the to anger management because other people or situations, other people’s behaviour anger stick and beat myself poor communication causes usually because of our and our lack of empathy with it uncontrollably. untold emotional hurt, perception and feeling toward them or their Uncontrolled anger is a major misunderstandings, and of having been wronged by them situation. factor in domestic violence confl ict. Words are powerful, in some way. Resentment is a and abuse, in aggressive RESPOND INSTEAD OF REACT but the message we convey to form of anger that does more driving violations, in others is even more powerful damage to the holder than the Many times I have become workplace rudeness and and often determines how off ender. Holding a grudge is angry because I fi nd people disruption, and in marital people respond to us and how letting the off ender live rent and situations that literally confl icts and family fi ghts. we feel toward them. Anger free in your head. Making the “push my buttons”, and I have As an older man I believe expressed toward others is decision to “let go” (while reacted just like a juke box managing my anger is easier often a misguided way of still protecting ourselves) that automatically pulls down by following the eight communicating a feeling is often a process of a record and starts playing pointers below: we have or a need that forgiveness — or at least when you make a selection. is not being satisfi ed by acceptance — and is a major There are many advantages RECOGNIZE STRESS other people or situations. step toward anger control. of learning how to be more Assertive communication is I’m able to understand fl exible in dealing with the a set of skills to honestly STEP BACK AND THINK stress and anger tend to go stresses and frustrations of and eff ectively communicate THINGS OVER hand and hand. The higher my life. At the top of the how you feel and how you are stress level, the easier it list is a sense of Me and my partner have grown responding to things without is to allow my anger to get empowerment. Many people to love each other deeply, getting angry or hostile out of control. It has been a notice their anger level but every so often we can go about it. challenge for me to manage my going down as their into horrifi c verbal battles stress levels but over time feeling of empowerment ADJUST EXPECTATIONS over any number of issues. I have been able to learn goes up. Sometimes we can struggle to stress management techniques. Have you ever been told your give each other “space” during Some of us are very good CHANGE THAT CONVERSATION expectations are too high? an argument insisting we at knowing how we feel WITH YOURSELF Anger and stress can often solve the issue immediately. and expressing it, while be caused when our Needless to say, this is a “For some reason whenever others struggle to do so. expectations are too far dangerous practice as it can I get upset I am always It is crucial to express apart from what is realistic escalate levels of anger even putting myself down” I have emotion in order to relate to to achieve. In other words, further and cause us to do and often said. ”Even my friends those around us. anger is often triggered by say things we don’t really tell me I am just too hard a discrepancy between what mean and may later regret! DEVELOP EMPATHY on myself”. When I get upset, we expect and what we get. To avoid losing control either I will often say things like, Have you ever been in a Learning to adjust those physically or verbally, it is “I’m such a waste of time”, situation where you tried to expectations, sometimes upward often best to take a temporary or, “sometimes I even tell express your feelings and and other times downward, “time-out”—and leave. This myself that I am worthless and it backfi red in some way? can help us cope with diff icult tool of anger management works stupid when I make mistakes.” I have, this lack of situations or people, or much better if (a) you commit A crucial tool in dealing with awareness is often a sign even cope with ourselves. In to return within a reasonable angry feelings for me has been of not being emotionally marriage, research shows that amount of time to work things to challenge that conversation or socially alert. Or, our much anger is caused by trying out, and (b) you work on your with myself. I have spent a ability to know how we are to solve problems which are “self-talk” while trying to long time constantly telling feeling as well as our unsolvable and perpetual. cool down. ability to accurately sense myself all kinds of things Successful couples learn to the feelings of those around which cause me to have certain live with each other around us help us make positive feelings or emotions. Learning these issues rather than connections with others. to change that “self-talk” getting angry about them. This characteristic is empowers me to deal with anger often called “empathy”. more eff ectively in terms of To empathize is to see with how strongly I feel the anger, the eyes of another, to hear how long I hold onto my anger, with the ears of another, and how I express my anger. 20 AnxietyAnxiety & DepressionDepression 2121

“I felt detached from the world all emotions and love, aff ection even anger were gone well now all had gone but all that was left seemed desperately negative mostly fear that I would never escape this hurt and pain.” Terry

ANXIETY DEPRESSION DEALING WITH IT By Terry Depression is another Anxiety and Depression You may not feel like it but Anxiety is often reported important issue to us as often go hand in hand, and exercise is very therapeutic. by survivors. Most people survivors of sexual trauma. without help can trap you in It stimulates endorphins in can relate to feeling tense, The past can have a profound a destructive and downward the brain that make you feel uncertain and perhaps fearful. eff ect on how we feel about spiral. There are many ways better and can also be very But, as survivors we can often ourselves in the present. to help reduce them to a more helpful to turn negative feel constantly “on guard”, Thoughts on the event and the manageable level. adrenaline and other hormones eff ects it has had on you. that are produced when anxious as if expecting to be Just the thought of, and Hitting your self-worth, trust or depressed, into something attacked. Some men experience dealing with, anxiety can make and confi dence. It can, at positive. panic and anxiety attacks, you feel anxious. This is a its extremes, make survivors in which they experience common and natural response, Be vocal! Talking to a friend suicidal or simply give up the periods of overwhelming fear. avoiding anything that could or family member and just will to live. Depressed is Higher levels of anxiety can trigger your fears. But this having someone to listen to often used as a term when we be hard to cope with and make is the fi rst crucial step in you and showing they care, can are feeling sad or miserable life seem really hard as it breaking the cycle of anxiety. help in itself. about life. Usually though, gets worse. Try to stay present and focus these feelings pass in due If you fi nd that you can’t on now. WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS course. But if the feelings cope and need more support, Anxiety can aff ect your sleep, come back, again and again Similarly depression can then contact your GP who will appetite and so much more. or don’t go away, then it feed on itself. Meaning you help you fi nd out about the In the body you may feel your could be a sign that you are can get depressed about things they can off er, such as heart rate increasing, your depressed in the medical being depressed. Negative medication, therapies and what sense. thoughts become automatic alternatives there are. Don’t “everyone’s experience chest tightening, restless triggering a cycle of feeling be embarrassed in telling of depression is diff erent. or fi dgety, stomach churning, WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS and behaviour. You have to him how you feel, as I found Its hard being depressed dizzy or lightheaded and Depression shows up in many remember there is no instant out as a survivor myself, but there is light in hard to focus. You may have diff erent ways. Symptoms, such solution, solving any problem doctors are fully aware of the darkness” constant thoughts such as ‘I can’t cope’, ‘I’m cracking as feeling low in motivation takes time, energy and work. the severity of anxiety and Joanne (Psychotherapist) and tired all the time. depression. up’, ‘I’m going to collapse’ Try to take more care of Having thoughts such as or you may even think you are yourself, such as your At the onset of my anxiety “I’m useless, worthless and “Anxiety UK’s having a heart attack. You may personal appearance and eat or depression I keep telling don’t do anything.” In your services include a helpline start to behave diff erently, healthier. Make all your myself that I have been here behaviour you may avoid doing staff ed by volunteers with smoking, drinking and using goals at fi rst fairly small and before and that I can get house work, opening letters personal experience of drugs as a way of avoiding achievable which will give you through it again. It will pass and paying bills. And like anxiety; access to talking things. Which can ultimately satisfaction. Complementary if I try to keep calm, focus anxiety it can lead to cutting therapies; a community of lead to isolation, cutting therapies like massage and on the here and now; on what yourself off from the world support and advice; and a yourself off more and more acupuncture can help you to I need and can do to make me such as seeing friends or fantastic Manchester peer from the world. relax, sleep better. happy. family, abusing alcohol and mentoring service” drugs which can ultimately Tom (Counsellor) lead to isolation again. 22 Guilt & Shame 23

GUILT & SHAME By Michael, Duncan & Sam

“I thought I deserved it The oddest of all things was my childhood because he told me how bad obligation, not to play and be free but I’d been. I believed him to subserve my body and charm to men who were when he said no one would old enough to understand their disgrace! care if I told so I let It was actually a pleasure, until it became him. I’ve felt ashamed for routine and then a chore... making sure so long” I was clean for them, at ten years old! For most people, this information they would not otherwise wish not to hear. I didn’t ever “I have to remember I am not to blame. want to listen to it myself. I was deeply It isnt my fault no need ashamed of my childhood and of me as that to feel shame” child! But I have come to accept (with some Sam help and support) that the horrifi c actions of these men were pre-meditated and malicious acts of an abhorrent crime... that of the “The one thing that keeps sexual abuse of a child. The greatest release us out of connection is is now living with the fulfi lment in accepting our fear we’re not worthy that the child whom had sex with men, was the of connection” victim of indecent immoral adults who chose to Dr Brene Brown exploit the innocence of a child. Me. It’s widely acknowledged that guilt is one of the main emotions that can keep victims “empathy is the and survivors of sexual abuse silent, including antidote to shame” men… men just like us! As an emotion, guilt is Dr Brene Brown what we feel as a consequence of our actions when we believe that the action was the breaking of a moral rule, social norm, personal value or statutory law that we consider to be valid or right. It’s that feeling we get when we think or say quietly to ourselves “I shouldn’t have done that”. Shame can be one of the most crippling emotional spirals, overwhelmingly strong and because of its nature, one of the hardest to talk about. It is without doubt, the single most common feeling that keeps victims and survivors of sexual abuse and rape, silent – the exact eff ect that an abuser desires. But in reality you shouldn’t be carrying that shame, you have nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, the shame doesn’t belong to you; it belongs to the person abusing, the person who abused you, regardless of who they are. Both the Guilt and the Shame that you been “It was our secret, carrying around aren’t even yours to be I promised not to tell. carrying! You have nothing to feel guilty As an adult I felt sick about with regards to being abused, that wasn’t knowing I kept that” your fault. Your reactions were about natural survival, you have nothing to be ashamed of. 24 Self-Esteem 25

“Vulnerability is NOT a weakness. The myth that it is SELF-ESTEEM is profoundly dangerous... By Daniel vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, "People who have a For me being abused and raped when creativity and change” strong sense of love I was younger totally broke my self esteem, Dr Brene Brown and belonging BELIEVE like a crack in a mirror it appeared and they're worthy of love resulted in years of bad luck. I blamed my and belonging" self and felt weak to the core. Looking back after a painfull walk and sprint down memory Dr Brene Brown lane it was no wonder I couldn’t trust, love myself and accept love from others, critism was my only comfort blanket and felt like home is supposed to feel. Any positive words aimed in my direction to talk of my potential felt like a punch to the back of the head, it stung. I remember in depth feeling uncomfortable receiving cards or presents, I couldnt stand being the center of attention, this was a legacy of my abuse. The abuse I suff ered turned me into a shy, awkward person who was constantly fl inching on receipt of any physical contact. I remember an intense feeling of being diff erent to others, not nice. This just propelled my sense of emptyness and worthlessness. I carried this false impression of myself everywhere. I didnt know or want to understand myself. It took a lot of work to get to where I am today, and knowing that feels good, I’ve took the power back and now my self-esteems my own. I can give and receive love and accept praise; this is a big part of what built me up. I achieved this by connecting the dots and seeing the real picture of me emerge from the puzzle book. Guess what? I’m not a puzzle any more!

“Get into the habit of thinking and saying positive things about yourself to yourself” www.mind.org.uk

“Other people’s treatment of us aff ects our self-esteem, actions or words. You believe their words to be true, believe them to be fact. But guess what, IT’S NOT TRUE! Breaking the silence means that we break free from those words and we regain the power and control that was taken away. We gain back a sense of who we are and our true and valuable worth. The more we feel potent, the better our self- esteem” Jo (Counsellor) 26 Self Harm 27

SELF HARM By Jim Self harm, I think to myself ‘How could SELF HARM & SUICIDE that be?’ Surely we do act, due to the EMERGENCY CONTACTS actions of a third party. We physically do If you feel that you are damage to our bodies to cause pain to take in distress, particulary a never-ending ache away. Is this self- if you feel at risk of harm? harming yourself or We destroy all prospects of an open others, then we would relationship by holding onto someone else’s advise you to conact dirty little secret, treating it like we’re your local Mental the guilty ones! Full of fear that our Health Liaison Service loved ones will run for the hills. (MHLS) based in A&E I have messed a huge part of my life up in Departments. a self-destruct mission, let my children The service provides down, split partners, ruined many a mental health and friendship, but most importantly harmed risk assessments for myself, continuing the perpetrators work as emergency patients if I had become the bastards’ accomplience. presenting to the I’m lucky, I spoke to people and disclosed A&E departments at to loved ones. I took control and this Manchester Royal worked, unlike my suicide attempt. Infi rmary (MRI), North Manchester General Hospital (NMGH) and Wythenshawe Hospital with mental health or self harm issues. They “The biggest thing we want you to also provide liaison remember is that YOU have choices now, services to the general you can stop ‘self-injury’, there are wards of these hospitals other ways to heal. where appropriate. If you’re cutting, one common method is There are many organisations The service is open to swop the blade for an ice cube. Yeah, such as MIND that can off er you seven days a week from I know it might sound stupid but try it. support and care. 9am to 9pm at NMGH and You might be surprised at the familiar Wythenshawe Hospital, 0300 123 3393 sensation. If you need something visual while at the Central mind.org.uk then use coloured liquids in the ice tray. Manchester Hospitals You can also go on the Survivors For those that are biting (that was my site it is open 24 hours Manchester website for a more way), then replace your arm, hand, knee a day, seven days a week comprehensive list of such for something else. Lollypop stick, apple, 0161 701 0313/14 organisations. banana, even chewing gum. You still get Please do go seek that bite!” www.survivorsmanchester.org.uk support, you are worth Duncan Craig. MBACP getting help. 28 29

GROOMING “INTELLIGENT THINKING” process worked for him, the abuser had worked his magic. By Daniel & Duncan For me, being groomed was the reason the abuse happened. I was abused by three diff erent Grooming is the process With hindsight its the perpatrators throughout my by which an off ender draws perpatrators sharpest and life, one was a male who was a victim into a sexual most used tool in his or her a respected family member; relationship and maintains arsenal. A fi nely homed weapon one was a trusted female that relationship in secrecy. that infl icts the fi rst blow babysitter; and the last one, The shrouding of the and shatters the protective a friend much older than me. relationship is an essential boundries and in my case, feature of grooming. Forensic The fi rst one did the most this left me vunerable and NEGATIVE (OR UNHEALTHY) psychiatrist Dr. Michael damage and I now see that the COPING MECHANISMS cerceptable to further counts Welner explains the six legacy of this, set me up to - Taking drugs or drinking might of sexual abuse at further By Jason, Duncan & Kman stages that can lead up be manipulated into my early ease the pain for a while, stages in my life. We all cope with the shit in to sexual abuse. adult life. What still gets me but it will make things worse our lives in diff erent ways, Thinking about what happened is how I slipped through and more stressful in the end. Stage 1: Targeting the victim to me and with the knowledge the net how did no one know? but maybe we should be thinking; - Physically hurting yourself Stage 2: Gaining the of what happened to the other I went from being a pleasent “If you’re going through hell, might focus you on physical victim’s trust lads I now know, I can now happy go lucky child, to a keep going mate, we cannot learn pain instead of emotional pain, see how what happened to us drug taking criminal in three without pain” Stage 3: Filling a need but maybe there are other ways happened. easy steps. All you had to do - Jason (24) Warrior and Survivor to get the same results that Stage 4: Isolating the victim was look into my eyes and ask In my experience, grooming are less physically harmful. why I was always running away There’s a million diff erent Stage 5: Sexualizing the involved a sort of false ways to cope, some positive, from home. Looking back at - Isolation is a killer. It can relationship aff ection, present giving, some negative. We’re never going photos of my young self, I can feel good to remove yourself with a hope of being taken to say what you should and Stage 6: Maintaining control see that they told the full from the world, but then how do advantage of, sexually. shouldn’t do, that’s up to you. story, but I suppose I didnt. you break the silence if you do Lads will often talk about The process often leaves But have a look at these, see this constantly? how gifts were used in the lad, and left me, thinking Also I know that I didnt want what you think. the grooming process. it’s his fault, riddled with any one to know back then - Take things day by day and step Its worth remembering that guilt and shame for something that is the power of being POSITIVE (OR HEALTHY) the whole process of grooming that happened that was groomed! You think its your by step, realise it takes time - Taking drugs or drinking might is gradual, calculated wrong but defi natley not his fault, you’ve been given these to feel stronger and things will ease the pain for a while, but and ensnares the individual. fault and totally out of his gifts and aff ection, its all “ppl fi nk am a cunt to feel easier. because I kik of at em is it sustainable? Wont it just The whole thing about grooming control. been normalised. You don’t We know how hard it is to speak wen dey in ma fase n cause more damage in the end? is that you don’t know it’s know up from down, that is why I’m speaking about a younger, telin me wat to do. but i out, but try. It doesn’t have happening! Not because your its the greatest tool in the - Go out for a walk and get some vunerable version of myself no i aint. Av u ad cigs to be with friends or family, thick or stupid or anything, abusers box. fresh air. It’s a well know who was led to believe what put owt on u? No u ant. it could be to a therapist. The but because the perpetrator Ano I aint no saint thou” scientifi c fact that physical was going on at fi rst was And then maybe the abuser point is, speaking out is much is good at what he or she activity releases feel good normal, even though the words groomed us all. Maybe we better than staying silent... is doing! chemicals such as endorphins. still echo round in my head should replace the word “ppl fi nk am a weed head just trust us on that one. because I smoekt so i It’s not your fault, “if you tell your mum and dad groomed with manipulated, - Get the support you need!!! You dnt av to fi nk bowt shit You may not have realised this you were tricked. whats happened they will go to tricked, cohersed, pretended, al teh tiem but i no i deserve it. If you need to see yet, but you’re already helping for more information, see Dr prison”, yeah I know it sounds brain-washed! Same shit, aint. U ant ad ur dad your GP then go. If you’re on yourself... You’re reading keep goin in ur bed! Welner’s page at like a cliché, but it was diff erent words! medication then take it. this book. Ano i aint no saint” www.oprah.com/oprahshow/Child- eff ective. It kept me quiet for Go to your support Sexual-Abuse-6-Stages-of-Grooming 20 odd years so the grooming By Kman appointments. 30 Reporting It 31

REPORTING IT By Duncan

When a report is Male victims of sexual violence When John Reported... made, most people can fi nd it hard to look for help. “When I fi rst reported the monster are automatically It can be a confusing time. St it was for theft and not rape. I’m referred to Victim Mary’s SARC (Sexual Assault not sure even now why that was but Support, but anyone Referral Centre) is here to help. I suppose it must have been because can contact them We are a 24/7 service open to men of fear. Fear of the unknown. What directly if they as well as women. Every victim would happen, would it get to want by calling will have diff erent needs. We can court or most importantly for me, 0161 200 1950. discuss with you what your options would I be believed. When I did are and together decide a way Carole Smith, report it was rape I wasn’t sure forward. St Mary’s Sexual Assault Manager of the who would come from the police. Referral Centre (SARC) provides North West Region As it happened it was a specially a comprehensive and co-ordinated Victim Care Unit trained male Detective who came forensic, counselling and said... in plain clothes and importantly aftercare service to men, women to me at the time, he came on his “We know how hard and children living in the Greater own. He was sensitive and kind it is to speak out, Manchester and Cheshire area who and he never questioned whether we know about the have experienced rape or sexual I was telling the truth or not. devastating impact assault, whether this has happened He believed me from the moment of sexual assault, recently or in the past. we met. That off icer supported me but we also know If you decide that you want to through every stage of the process that with some report what’s happened then this and indeed was a great support to support you can page is here to help. me in court. I also received huge move forward. We CRIMINAL INJURIES • The claim needs to support from the ISVA at St Mary’s can help if you Greater Manchester Police are be submitted to CICA Centre. She was a huge support at COMPENSATION AUTHORITY (CICA) want. You only have committed to tackling sexual abuse within 2 years of the every stage of the procedure and to ask”. and rape by supporting victims and By Julie, Victim Care incident unless there are supported me through the court case bringing off enders to justice. Off icer at Victim Support exceptional circumstances, If you or someone and indeed still supports me.” “We understand it is your decision Manchester's Victim Care Unit such as the crimes were you know has been whether to report it and it is one Dr Cath White at St Mary’s wanted committed when you were a raped or sexually Criminal Injuries you shouldn’t be pushed into, but to say... child and were not reported assaulted, you Compensation Authority is it is important to remember that don’t have to suff er “Male victims of sexual violence a government funded scheme • You must provide relevant the sooner the assault is reported, in silence. You can fi nd it hard to look for help. for people to apply for information to CICA in the more evidence we will be able can report it to It can be a confusing time. compensation for injuries order that they can reach to collect to help prevent you or the police on 101 St Mary’s SARC (Sexual Assault received as a direct result a decision - e.g. medical someone else being hurt again. If or if you want to Referral Centre) is here to help. of an act of violence, and police reports. you do decide to make a report, we talk to someone We are a 24/7 service open to men sexual abuse or rape. will do everything we can to make We understand that people else you trust. as well as women. Every victim sure you and your family receive Under the 2012 Scheme, there sometimes do not feel they St Mary’s Sexual will have diff erent needs. We can the best possible care and support. are some important points can claim for the fear Assault Referral discuss with you what your options Your welfare is our priority and we you should be aware of: of not being believed. Centre also take are and together decide a way have 900 specially trained off icers • You have to have been Survivors Manchester self referrals, forward. St Mary’s Sexual Assault working on a 24-hour basis to off er injured after 1 August 1964 and Victim Support are just call Referral Centre (SARC) provides advice and support to victims” together here to support 0161 276 6515. a comprehensive and co-ordinated • You have to have reported you through this diff icult Check out www.survivorsmanchester. forensic, counselling and the incident/s to the police time. All you need to do org.uk/survivors-support/talking- aftercare service to men, women • You have been seriously is contact us directly on to-the-police for a step by step and children living in the Greater enough to qualify for at 0161 200 1950 or ask someone guide to reporting to the police. Manchester and Cheshire area who least the minimum award at Survivors Manchester to have experienced rape or sexual (£1,000) put you in touch with us. assault, whether this has happened We're here to help. recently or in the past.” 32 Partner’s View 33

PARTNER’S VIEW

We believe that sexual abuse and rape aff ects us all in various ways. From reading a story in the paper to seeing the man you love suff er in silence, the subject itself can be diff icult for a survivors’ wife, civil partner, boyfriend or girlfriend.

All of us believe that our supporters need a space and recognition too. So this is dedicated to you lot. To the thousands of friends and loved ones, professionals and supporters, who have stood by us through thick and thin, without you we’d be lost!

Survivors Manchester would like to thank each and every one of you for being our heroes.

OPENING UP CAROLYN’S VIEW By Wesley By Carolyn

When my partner fi rst told me he was a When I met Lee I was immediately survivor, I didn’t know how to react. attracted to him but I could tell he had a bit of an edge to him. I What should I say? couldn’t put my fi nger on why, as What should I do? things started to get more serious Was it ok to give him a hug? he told me that he had been in prison Or would he not want to be touched? twice for violent off ences, he said I learned I just needed to be there there was more to and that he would for him. To listen when he was tell me in time, when he felt the ready to talk and give him time time was right. When he told me he when he wasn’t. had been abused as a child I was devastated. It was all I could think It’s ok not knowing what to do. about for weeks, months. Eventually Neither of us did. I was able to let it go, what helped was the fact that despite But by being open about how we felt his troubled past Lee didn’t let it and by listening to each other, we control his life anymore. He found came through it closer than ever. Survivors Manchester and it is hard to explain the diff erence it made. A SILENT PARTNER To sum it up it seems like Lee can be By Janice the person he has always wanted to be My relationship is like a now that he has been able to share rollercoaster; living with a man his experiences with other people and who has been sexually abused in relate to them. childhood. I fi nd myself trying hard to focus on the positives as He has a spring in his step that this helps me to cope with the wasn’t there before. That’s the indescribable pain I feel; when I only way I can describe it. For me think about what he went through and living with a survivor of sexual I try and hide my fucking anger at abuse hasn’t always been easy, but the abuser. Sometimes I am not sure I respect Lee more than anyone else how to support my partner; or what in my life. Knowing what he has been to say; is it okay to talk about through makes me appreciate him as it or will I cause the man I love someone special and strong; sometimes deep pain and take him to a dark it’s hard to believe how much he has place. Sometime it’s like walking achieved by living a normal life. on eggshells living with my angry and unpredictable man as I watch him struggle along his path and I wonder if he is experiencing unbearable thoughts from the past.

I think we both try really hard, not to let the legacy of abuse steal our lives. 34 5 MythsMyths 35

In reality, males can Whether perpetrated by older BELIEVING THESE MYTHS respond physically to males or females, boys’ IS DANGEROUS & DAMAGING stimulation (get an or girls’ premature sexual So long as society believes erection) even in experiences are damaging these myths, and teaches traumatic or painful in many ways, including them to children from sexual situations. confusion about one’s sexual their earliest years, Therapists who work with identity and orientation. sexually abused males sexual off enders know that Many boys who have been will be unlikely to get one way a perpetrator can abused by males erroneously the recognition and help maintain secrecy is to whowho were sexuallysex abused believe that something about they need. label the child’s sexual aandnd sexuallysexually abused males them sexually attracts response as an indication So long as society believes wwhoho never perpetrated:pe non- males, and that this may of his willingness to these myths, sexually perpetratorperpetratorss told about the mean they are homosexual or participate. “You liked it, abused males will be more aabuse,buse, and werew believed and eff eminate. Again, not true. you wanted it,” they’ll likely join the minority ssupportedupported byby signifi cant people Pedophiles who are attracted say. Many survivors feel of survivors who perpetuate iinn theirtheir lives.liv Again, the to boys will admit that guilt and shame because this suff ering by abusing mamajorityjority of victims do not the lack of body hair and they experienced physical others. ggoo on to becomebec adolescent adult sexual features turns arousal while being abused. oorr adultadult perpetrators;per and them on. The pedophile’s So long as boys or men who Physical (and visual or tthosehose who dodo perpetrate in inability to develop and have been sexually abused auditory) stimulation is adadolescenceolescence usually don’t maintain a healthy adult believe these myths, they likely to happen in a sexual perpetrate asa adults if they sexual relationship is will feel ashamed and angry. situation. It does not mean ggetet helphelp whenwhe they are young. the problem – not the that the child wanted the And so long as sexually physical features experience or understood abused males believe these 22. SEXUAL ABUSABUSE OF BOYS of a sexually immature boy. what it meant at the time. myths they reinforce the The following are 1. VAMPIRE SYNDROME Most sexual abuse of boys is power of another devastating regarded by Survivors 5. FEMALE ABUSERS That is boys who are sexually perpetrated by homosexual men 4. HOMOSEXUALITY myth that all abused and those working in abused. like the victims Of If the perpetrator is female, children struggle with: the fi eld of sexual Pedophiles who molest boys are Boys abused by males are Count Dracula, go on to “bite” the boy or adolescent should that it was their fault. violence as the “Five not expressing a homosexual or will become homosexual or sexually abuse others. consider himself fortunate orientation any more than It is never the fault of the Myths”. In providing Sexual orientation is a to have been initiated into This myth is especially pedophiles who molest girls child in a sexual situation the truth behind the complex issue and there heterosexual activity dangerous because it can are practicing heterosexual – though perpetrators can myth, we hope to expose is no single answer or create a terrible stigma for behaviors. While many child In reality, premature or be quite skilled at getting it once and for all! theory that explains why the child, that he is destined molesters have gender and/ coerced sex, whether by a their victims to believe someone identifi es himself This has been adapted to become an off ender. Boys or age preferences, of those mother, aunt, older sister, these myths and take on as homosexual, heterosexual from a presentation given might be treated as potential who seek out boys, the vast baby-sitter or other female responsibility that is or bi-sexual. Experts in at the 5th International perpetrators rather than majority are not homosexual. in a position of power over always and only their own. Conference on Incest and the human sexuality fi eld do victims who need help. While They are pedophiles. a boy, causes confusion at For any male who has been Related Problems, Biel, not believe that premature it is true some perpetrators best, and rage, depression sexually abused, becoming Switzerland, August 14, sexual experiences play a have histories of sexual 3. WILLINGNESS TO PARTICIPATE or other problems in more free of these myths is 1991. signifi cant role in late abuse, it is NOT true that negative circumstances. To an essential part of the If a boy experiences sexual adolescent or adult sexual most victims go on to become be used as a sexual object recovery process. arousal or orgasm from abuse, orientation. by a more powerful person, perpetrators. Research by Jane this means he was a willing It is unlikely that someone male or female, is always Gilgun, Judith Becker and participant or enjoyed it John Hunter found a primary can make another person a abusive and often damaging. diff erence between perpetrators homosexual or heterosexual. 36 Psychological Edge Contact 37

GET THE PSYCHOLOGICAL EDGE USEFUL SEXUAL ABUSE

By Martin Robert Hall & RAPE LINKS Life can be a challenge at the best of times. It We thought it would be useful We also thought it was LESBIAN & GAY FOUNDATION will rain on your parade. That's not being negative, for you to be able to look important to make sure that Support services and advice that's being accurate. Knowing this and being through other resources if you want to talk to to gay and bisexual men. prepared for this are two entirely diff erent things. someone who specialises in for male survivors, so we www.lgf.org.uk a particular issue, then have compiled this list of 0845 3 30 30 30 fantastic websites that you you have the contacts to can check out. hand. There are loads of MANCHESTER HOUSING Those who are mentally As you begin to help yourself, organisations in Manchester Information for Manchester THE SURVIVORS TRUST equipped to deal with life's help others too. Not only that off er support, so have City Council residents. www.thesurvivorstrust.org.uk pulled out contacts that challenges have the ultimate is this one of the greatest www.manchester.gov.uk/housing advantage in life, they have gifts we have as people, support those with the issues SURVIVORS UK 0161 234 5000 the psychological edge. It is it also cements your learning we mentioned in this book. www.survivorsuk.org this edge which helps them to even deeper. VICTIM SUPPORT (MANCHESTER) MOOD SWINGS NETWORK 0845 122 1201 stay strong during challenging National independent charity Support for people aff ected And fi nally, don't forget number times, to make the right NAPAC (NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF supporting victims of crime. by mood disorders. one. Feed your mind positive decisions and to remain focused PEOPLE ABUSED IN CHILDHOOD) thoughts every single day. www.victimsupport.org.uk www.moodswings.org.uk when all around them is pulling I like to think of them as www.napac.org.uk 0161 200 1950 0845 12360 50 them off track. mental vitamins and yes they 0808 085 3330 ST. MARY’S SEXUAL ASSAULT SELF HELP SERVICES This mental strength does not really are more important 1 IN 6 REFERRAL CENTRE User-led mental health happen by accident. It happens than breakfast. www.1in6.org services for Manchester as a result of practise and Examination and after care Start today and give yourself and support to victims of residents repetition, like all skills do. MALE SURVIVOR the psychological edge. sexual assault. www.selfhelpservices.org.uk Winners in life understand that www.malesurvivor.org Martin Robert Hall is a www.stmaryscentre.org 0844 477 9971 to win the game of life you performance specialist who PANDORA’S AQUARIUM 0161 276 6515 need a winning mentality and SELF HARM NETWORK runs his own consultancy www.pandys.org this must be worked on daily. GREATER MANCHESTER PAY Supporting those who are and training business There is no escaping that. & EMPLOYMENT RIGHTS aff ected by self harm. which specialises in helping LIVING WELL ADVICE SERVICE Here are 5 tips to help you individuals, teams and www.livingwell.org.au www.nshn.co.uk Free confi dential employment develop the psychological edge organisations to be the 0800 622 6000 advice to anyone experiencing in your own life: best they can be. problems at work. CRISIS POINT Feed your mind positive Martin has worked with world www.gmemploymentrights.org.uk Mental health crisis thoughts every single day, class athlete’s, business 0161 839 3888 support centre for especially at the start of it. owners and traders helping Manchester residents. Positive self talk is how to them to develop the mindset, MANCHESTER CITIZENS 0161 225 9500 do it. Start by writing down strategy and crucial elements ADVICE BUREAUX some positive statements about for performing at the highest Free, confi dential ADDICTION DEPENDENCY SOLUTIONS yourself and repeat them each level. In 2012-13, Martin and independent legal Providing support and morning. These are known as delivered a 10 week course to and fi nancial advice. treatment to those aff ected by your 'mantra's'. This is more a group of male survivors of www.manchestercab.org drug and alcohol issues. important than breakfast! sexual abuse and rape from www.adsolutions.org.uk Survivors Manchester that NORTH WEST CENTRE FOR Set goals for your life that 0800 988 1948 resulted in many of the lads EATING DISORDERS excite you. A life without making life-changing decisions SAMARITANS exciting goals is a life Services for anyone with and everyone aiming to be the wasted. Again, write them eating disorders and their Providing support 24 hours a best they can be. down to make them real. families/carers. day to those wishing to speak Martin is the author of www.oakwoodhouse.co.uk to someone. The quality of your life is Optimize Yourself: 0161 480 0882 www.samaritans.org the quality of your emotions. ‘To Be the Best You Can Be' 0161 236 8000 Do the things that make you FEEL good, every day! (ISBN: 978-1467000017) MEN’S CHARTER FOR HELPING MEN TO All the text in the guide has been ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: set and printed in the way it was DISCLOSE SEXUAL ABUSE OR RAPE. This guide has been written by survivors written by each of the inspirational for survivors, a real labour of love. lads. Spelling and punctuation are Men who identify with the shared experience of sexual abuse or Putting this together was uncomfortable not important here... breaking the rape, come together to gain information support and guidance (to say the least) for most of us at the silence is! that encourages them to think about choices when disclosing. beginning. But the process has given There are a number of headings that off er guidence towards some of us a sense of connection; most supporting member’s involvement by having a: of us have found healing; top notch friendships have been made, support networks created and the whole project has created more understanding about the impact of what happened to each and every one of us. The silence has been well and truly broken. We want you to know that you’re not on your own. You can speak out if you want to and we will listen. We’ve done this, so can you! As a wise man once said... Whatever it takes. Peace and respect to you all, from the Survivors Guide Team.

The Lads: Danny, Daniel, Duncan, Michael A, Michael, Sam, Jason, Lee, Kman, Mark, Jim, Terry, JT, John, and all the other Survivors we have worked with since the project began. The professionals: Martin, Carole, Cath, Duncan, Tom, Joanne, Jo, Mark, Brene, VOICE... ENVIRONMENT... Michael, Julie. We have a right to be listened to We want to feel safe, at ease, able as individuals who have experienced to say what we are really feeling and Thanks a million to our funders, Health sexual abuse or rape. Our story must talk about what we really want and Form from The People’s Health Trust, be taken seriously and not ignored. need. Zurich Community Trust (in particular Matt, Beth, Nick, Mark and Maggie) RESPECT... ACTIVITIES... We all want to be treated with To be involved in social activities All the lads wanna say a huge and respect. To recognise that we all may that helps the men to enjoy their special thanks to Michael Atkins, and have diff erent views and we may not time together and helps them to JAMcreative’s Dave Gee and Richard Pay agree with them always. challenge old ways and learn new for the incredible creative work they things. LISTEN... have done to make this guide look as We have a right to have our views CONFIDENTIALITY… amazing as it does! listened to by each other and outside We want to be able to confi de with parties, helping us to communicate each other and with professionals. our views. Not being judged on what This means information. Issues are we say, just being able to speak. only made available to outside ADVICE... parties if there is concern around peoples safety. When information is Getting advice that is understood shared the man is kept fully informed and appropriate, that is sensitive at every stage. to our needs, mindful of and including of external agency COMPLAINTS… involvement if requested. We want to be able to think about “Since contacting Survivors Manchester I have been able to make my own SUPPORT... making a complaint and make a complaint if it is appropriate. choices and decisions.I have no guilt Sharing what we feel is important for To have support when making the issues,anxiety or low self esteem. us, if it is a disclosure then it complaint, where the procedure is My life has changed so much since may be the fi rst time in talking to a simple. contacting survivors Manchester, It is professional and that professional a diff icult fi rst step but with help you may be you. will soon be running.” Danny