pay what you

" credits, etc. contributors: on tWe /?oao/ to wea/tn^: basi I clias matthew mullinni.x matthew campbell

. jeff ott chris dixon sam pullen

=

shared together. oujHvork with this

"zinc is embedded deeply into the fabric of our lives.

for more copies of this "zinc, calf the men"s center

(360)866-6000 ,\ 6480

or write to: - - planting seeds press ~~ p.o.box 33368 austin, tx 78764 Hey 3kothe?

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO STAMP ALONE *

7 " '. NEXT TO SO MANY OTHERS . .

How DOES XT FEEL TO STAND UP TALL, 7 WHEN YOU RE BREAKING^POWN INSIDE '

• "FEMXNXSTS LONG FOR MEN TO HEAL... Us 'HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE THE ONE - "pkeAm or A worlp full or men who coulp be passion WHO LET S YOURSELF DOWN7 - * ATE. LOVERS, GROUNPEP IN THEIR OWN BOPIES, CAPABLE HOW DOES IT FEEL ^ 7 THE SORROW , OF PROroUNP , LOVES ANP-.,PEEP SORROWS,; strong ALLIES Or WOMEN, SENSITIVE NURTURERS, rEARLESS PEFENPERS X HEARD A CRY ONE NIGHT

br ALL 'PEOPLE^sXiBERATION , UNBOUNP BY STIFLING X THOUGHT IT CAME FROM FAR AWAY. CONVENTION YET RESPECTFUL Or THEXR OWN ANP OTH- T HEARD A CRY ONE NIGHT IT CAME FROM PEEP INSIDE MYSELF. ERS BOUNPARIES, .SERIOUS WXTHOUT BEING HUMORLESS, X TRIED TO MA

: PULL, STABLE .WITHOUT BEING PISCIPLXNEP WITHOUT X^ Pretend X m All right when X m hurting deep inside. BEING RlGlP, SWEET WITHOUT BEING SPINELESS, PROUP What would feel 7 WITHOUT BEING INSUFFERABLY .EGOTISTICAL, riERCE it like if we let go of all the pain we feel 7 What would it feel lke to cry again \ WITHOUT BEING VIOLENT, WILp" WITHOUT BEING, WELL, xf x need support from someone, x want to come toyoj

- ASSHOLES." can we try to feel love again? " \

? :::

- 'v:'; . - ; fff r . stArhawk Hey brother, . , FROM HEK'ESSAY^A MEN S MOVEMENT X CouLP TRUST* 7 - " :'- can yoj tell me where the pain is -:

cause x want to be there in finding it. :. Hey BROTHER

What do yoj feel when you don't say a thing7

'cause 1 m dying to know if yoj feel what i feel.

(A SONG) BY BASIL ELIAS.

59 t7

-ft"*..- Hey. WELCOME.... X r.'EC't-EL- To Put TOGETHER Men's Work is whAt we cAn PO. As MEN To'" ThIS 7.-INE PECAuSE WAnTEL- TO COMPILE MY IPEAS CHALLENGE SEVISM X Aw.- POWER IN OUR LIVES Anp COMMun; ~ m.AnY Arouni- ties. The AlonG With The IL-eAS OF men me. X term men's woRt hAs typically seen a WAnT Et-" US TO HAVE A SPACE To SHOW .OUR PROCESSES" SO TERM TO EVCLUI.-E WOMEN FROM CERTAIN HINDS OF WORfc this - I've been working on zine since we C.OXJ.-- s->Are What we 'ye Gone ThrouGh to present MANY PEOPLE I'EEM MASCULINE CLE. CONSTRUCTION . C.E.O March 1998 and it is now January 1999. For the L*Nt between our hurt As men Ani.- the oppression of A company. etc.Y Also. mAny people in this of Women.' We WAnTei.- to EXPLORE These IPEAS IN An SOCIETY CONSir.-ER CHALLENGING a while I was struggling with how much I SEVISM Am." POWER To EFFORT TO CONTINUE ThE L-iALoG'JE BETWEEN MEN ANt- women's woRt. However, we Are should edit the individual works and the en- Asserting here that WOMEN APOjT SEVISM. RAPE. SEVuAL ASSAULT AnP ABUSE. Lite Anti -racism woRt being the top of white tire" content of this zine, thus transforming The l.INC BETWEEN MENS HURT Ani? The PEOPl.E. CHALLENGING SEVISM AnIv PROMOTING HEALThY this zine into the beginning works of a book. OPPRESSION OF WOMEN IS VITAL. PECAuSE THIS IS ThE LIYES IS NOT ONLY THE TOP OF WOMEN. IT IS MFn's WOf-fL

I finally decided to leave a lot of it how it is ThREAi' ThAT TIES 'JS TOGETHER IN The cycle of This chapter will «q.p with the "what to X t.-o now and to print it as such, because that is the VIOLENCE HISTORICALLY, The POWER C.-YnAmicS BETWEEN questions. true elements of writing a zine- unpolished MEN AnP WOMEN HAYE CONTRIBUTED' TO ThE CYCLE OF Getting to Know Yourself is an important with the attempt to instigate" dfttlogue. Yia.ENCE WhICH FOTh OPPRESSES women Am- tEEPs step in healing yoursel.f and the world, as public hurtinG men Once we ActNowi.EiGE this linc. we c.An enemy sAY "Xf you ion't know Yourself Then You're With that in mind, I present to you CONTINUE OUR WORt TO HEAL OJRSELYES ANI THE WCQ.l • IN nobody.' These questions Are a be&inninG toward this- booklet. 1 hope that it transforms your WHICH WE LIVE. self-awAreness. Xf yoj tAue the time to Answer life it with as has mine. ' in ., This zine is lAye; out rive chapters. These questions, then X commend your pedic.ation tc

closing I want to take ' Before time Growing 'J? I'W.e. ChAnGinG Ways. Item's Work. The process of self -awareness And. self-loye. here to thank all the contributors, editors, and Getting to Know Yourself, ami.' Sq.ectei^ Resources. Finally, the selectep resources will. leAd general supporters of this project because These chapters present a process which most men in YOJ To MORE INFORMATION RELATED To MANY topics

This ZInE hAyE Be&un To work. Throj&h ThemsELyes. COYEREP IN THIS ZINE. TAtE WhAT YOU LEARN FROM HE ,'i.£ without you it would not look as it does or - Growing 'jp male, we leArn traits Associ AND EVPAUD^WASP TO MORE RESOURCES-AnI- M.ORE be printed at all. - ATE!" WITH mAnhOOI- WE LEARN WhAT IT MEANS TO "BE A cnowlecOe Ani;- A Greater understanding.

mAh.' Recognizing these traits n.As pecome a first One last note before X end this introp-jc With dedication, step in The roAl- to healinG As men. we h.Ave the TION. ONE CHAPTER ThAT WAS NOT INCI.UPED BUT is

basil elias. choice to see our socialization As it effects our EXTREMELY RELEyAnT IS ON ThE POLITICAL REPERCUSSIO

liyes. We h.Aye the choice to nurture the positive OF SEVISM And SEVuAL VIOLENCE. X SUGGEST ThAT YoW

And healthy qualities of our socialization As well REAP MANY OF Th£ Boots IN The RESOURCE LIST To

As to c«anGe the negative Anc- detrimental aspects Further research This topic. This zine wojlp be OF OUR SOCIALIZATION. ThIS CHAPTER SHEPS LI&hT ON NOTHING TF X HAP NOT LEARNEP ABOUT HOW SEVISM AND

Get in touch with Any contributors, orues: more copies of this mAnY men's EVPeriehces with Growing up- MALE. SEVuAL VIOLENCE EFFECTS THE PEOPLE IN MY LIFE.

zine. Give us "eeufAc^. pxAtse. concern, critiques, etc. fy Ch.AnGInG WAYS represents the stories of TnANt YOU FOR ATTAINING ThIS ZINE. Xf Yr v : wstttnG to the following A^- men confronting their pasts These stories repre" h.Ave AnY COMMENTS. PLEASE FEEL'" Free To write . - sent The turning points which h.Ave been crucial for t-'SESS. this zine is one uol men to see how seVism is manifested in their liyes lAs throuGh the ^tl. write AN! - TO TO ThESE WAYS OF BEING. q\jb-V»<\ Aev-o^ TcTTG^ PE&IN CHALLENGE for wholesale rAtescfor 5 or CnAN&ItvG WAYS IS A REPRESENTATION OF nAtlNG A mose-cofies). COMMITMENT To HEALING. 1 1

Introduction Men to End Sexual Assault P.O.Box 681

Cambridge, MA 02 1 39 Growing Up Male- 5 (617)492: S306\ writings on socialization and manhood. " Real Men "It's Good to Be the King" by Jeff Ott . 6 P.O.Box 1769 "Talking About Qur Lives" 7 Brook line, MA 02146 "Men's Issues on Body Image" by Matthew Campbell 16 (617)422-1650 "Reflections on my Gender" by Chris Dixon 22 D.C. Men Against Rape "Twenty Years Later" by Matthew Mullinix 23 c/o Washington Peace Center "The Making of Man" Pullen 26 A by Sam 2111 Florida Ave NW Washington D.C. 20008 (202) 882-5898 Changing Ways- 3

re-defining manhood. Men Against Domestic Violence "Turning Point" fry basil 32 32 West Anapamu St. #348

Santa Barbara, CA 93 1 0 "My Resistance to Feminism" 35 (805) 563-2651

Men's Work- 39 The Men's Health Network P.O.Box 770 The work we can do to end sexism in our lives and communities. Washington D.C. 20044-0770 "Men's Work" by basil 40 (202)543-6461 "A (Pro) Feminist Men's Movement" by basil 41 X Oakland Men's Project "Standing Up -to Say "No More"" 43 440 Grand Avenue Suite 320 "Men Have the Choice to" 44 Oakland, CA 94610 "Personal Goals to Ending Sexism" 45

Selected Resources- H. 53 < More sources for further understanding of topics covered in this zine.

Afterward 58 Some Wcl) Resources:

-http://fcminisi.comypro.htm -http://www.cs.utk.edu/ hartley /sainfoPage.html -httpi'/idcali.st.corn/wounded-healer/allies.htrnl -http://www.ibd.nrc.ca/mansfield.feminism . *<^roVinq up Mbit* Two Places to get a lot of Zines (Send $1 for a catalog to) wrvf»n

Tree of Knowledge Zine Distribution 1010 Scott Street "All the time I was growing up, I knew that there was something Little Rock, AR 72202 really problematic in my relationship to manhood. Inside, deep inside, I

never believed I was fully male- 1 never believed I was Organizations: growing up enough- of a man. I beiieved that someplace out there, in other men, there was some-

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence thing that was genuine authentic all-american manhood- the real stuff- but I

P.O.Box 15 127 didn't have it: not enough of it to convince me anyway, even if I managed to

Washington D.C. 20003 be fairly convincing to those around me. I felt like an impostor, like a fake.

(202) 638-6388 I agonized a lot about not feeling male enough, and I had no idea then how

much I was not alone. Center . Men's Anti-Rape Resource Then I read those words- those words that suggested to me for the P.O.Box 73559 first time that the notion of manhood is a cultural delusion, a baseless belief, Washington, D.C. 20056 a false front, a house of cards. It's not true. The category I was trying so (202) 529-7239 desperately to belong to, to be a member of in good standing- *it doesn't

exist. Poof. Now you see it, now you don't. Now you're terrified your not National Organization for Men Against Sexism (NOMAS) really part of it; now you're free, don't have to worry anymore. 54 Mint Street you How- San Francisco, CA 94103 ever removed you feel inside from "authentic manhood", it doesn't matter. (415) 546-6627 What matters is the center inside of yourself- and how you live, and how you treat people, and what you can contribute as you pass through life on this National Coalition Against Sexual Assault earth, and how honestly you love, and how carefully you make choices. Those 3101 Richmond Ave, Suite 150:, are the things that really matter. Not wether you're a real man. There's no 77098 Washington, DC such thing." (713)528-6798 -John Stoltenber^

56 Feminist Books: BBi i TO of Earth IT'S GOOD nmifhter by Agnes Smedley

high I When I went to school noticed Backlash about how the boys/girls or something by Susan Faludi. related to each other. There payoffs. men/women sing in a band, I received unspoken Women, Race & Class predetermined ideal. This ideal was was a I got valued higher that the other boys/men. by Angela Y. Davis. quarterback/ oveiiy-scho- the tough-guy/ On the other side, there were certain This Bridge Called Mv Back: Writings bv Radical Women of Color lastic dude, couples with the dingy/ non- women who had the certain look, you know edited by Cherrie Moraga & Gloria Anzaldua "beautiful" (anorexic/ bulimic) girl. From Margin to Center assertive/ what I mean (anorexic/bulimic) who got They win the homecoming king/ queen higher than the other women/girls. Ain't I A Woman , valued ~" both by bell hooks positions which proves they are superior to The only difference between us and Angrv Women: Interviews with 16 Angrv Women everyone else^ the jocks (in these respects anyway) was RE/SEARCH #13 pleased to have the I was most that we didn't have an official contest to Food for Our Grandmothers: Writings bv Arab-American & Arab-Canadian F handful of punks at Berkeley High to take determine wins the social status game. who edited by Joanna Kadi weress superiorto the me in. I thought we structure, motivations and Otherwise, the Words of Fire: An Anthology of African-American Feminist Thought kids because we ignored football, rest of the intentions are all the same- superiority and edited by Beverly Guy-Sheftal! homecoming, prom, etc. hierarchy. To Be Real thing called the Gilman Later on, a Additionally, although it may be by Rebecca Walker Street Project started happening. We punks Sister Outsider progress that I (the men) can expand'their had a place to socialize all of a sudden options beyond being a sports figure, the by Audre Lorde Native, I Women, Other (besides the street that is). didn't notice equation works out similar for women/girls. by Trinh T. Minh-Ha how quickly we started emulating their (the They are confined to the role of other, Third World Women & the Politics of Feminism jocks) behavior. I guess I didn't notice (or background, the OTHER part of the MAN. edited Chandra Monhanty want to notice) because I got special privi- The only real choices allowed are styled of leges out of the equation. and hair, and choice of boyfriend (by dress Healing Books: See, in our scene, instead of having defined). which she has been The Courage to Heal quarterbacks, we have singers-. Instead of by Laura Davis bulimic) "beautiful" (anorexic/ women in Managing Traumatic Stress Through Art expensive clothes, we have by Barry Cohen, Mary-Michola Barnes, and Anita B. Rankin "beautiful" (anorexic/ bulimic) women in Being Peace & Touching Peace ripped clothes and funny colored hair. Since by Thich Nhat Hanh

er... I Recovering from Incest I played quarterback, mean since MEN Victims No LongerMen and Child Sexual Abuse. by Mike Lew. Harper and Row.

I Don't Want To Talk About It: The Legacy of Male Depression by Terrence Reel.

6 Hooks:

Men's Books: Talking About Our Lives] Bovhood: Growing Up Male. on Sociahzati A conversation New-Men New Minds. Manhood Men and Intimacy: Personal Accounts Exploring the Dilemmas of Modern Male Sexuality. edited by Franklin Abbot. Crossing Press. The three of us had this conversation one- all 3 need anyone. Everyone in the forest seems to live thoughts about day to try and document our level Unbecoming Men. on this one and the male deer is pictured on a socialization and manhood. Because of the by Anon. Times Change Press. ledge looking over everyone else. He's pictured as conversation format some of what we say is a little How Men Feel: Their response to women's demands for equality and power. the strong silent male. It's so different from

scattered, so bear with us. B= Basil Elias , MC= by Anthony Astrachan. Anchor/Doubleday Press. Bambi's mother, who's nurturing, helpful and Matthew Campbell, and MM= Matthew Mullinnix. Pro-Feminism: Men's Nonviolent Approach to Feminism. encouraging. When Bambi's mom dies, the male

published by the War Resister's League. • deer takes him in. In the end of the movie both B: Let's start by talking about different Men's Work: How to Deal with the Violence that Tears Our Lives Apart. Bambi antf the other male deer are standing on this gendered stereotypes that we learned while grow- by PaukKivel. ledge together, looking over everyone. They look ing up. really strong and silent standing the Refusing to Be A Man on ledge together. movie also passage The End of Manhood The shows this weird MC: The first image I think of is a picture of into male-hood. It was disturbing to watch. both by John Stoltenberg. on Breitenbush books. for me Paul Bunyon- this big huge lumberjack guy- and Stopping Rape: A Challenge for'Mcn Babe, his blue ox. I picture them in the woods MC: What does Bambi do with the pain of his Ervin Funk. New Society Publishers. by Rus isolated, and self-sufficient. being alone He doesn't mother dying? Against the Tide: Pro-Feminist Men in the US 1776-1990 need anything and just takes care of himself. edited by Michael Kimmel and Thomas Mosmiller. Beacon Press. B: Hardly anything. Bambi and his mom were Transforming a Rape Culture. MM: He's like the ox and the ox is part of him. in a field when these hunters came, so they started by Emiiie Buchwald, Pamela Fletcher, and Martha Roth. Milkweed Press. running to their home. Bambi made it and was all i

Men's Bodies Men's Selves. I excited being like "mom, wc made it" but then by Sam Julty. Delta. realized that his mom didn't make it. Then they Politics of Manhood: Pro-feminist men respond to the Mythopoetic Men's Movement. showed this big" rainstorm, which I guess was

by Michael Kimmel. supposed to represent the crying, and the next Perspectives. Sport. Men and the Gender Order: Critical Feminist scene was this sunny day, with happy music, like Messnerand D. Sabo. Press. by M Human Kinetics there was nothing wrong. Sometime in the rain- . Wrestling with Love: How Men Struggle with Intimacy storm scene the male deer finds Bambi- and takes

by Samuel Osterson. him away. But the rain scene was so short; I didn't Women R es pond to the Men's Movement. have time to process my own emotions about his by Kay Leigh Hagan. Harper-San Francisco. mom dying. There was no mention about Bambi's For Men Against Sexism mother after that either. by Jon Snodgrass. Times Change Press. Bovs Will Be Bovs: Breaking the Link Between Masculinity and Violence. MC: There are definitely things that I've by Myriam Miedzian. Doubleday. learned as proper roles or behaviors for what makes about Men On Rape a man. I remember talking before on a panel B: That's interesting. In the same sense, I was because he by Timothy Beneke how I idolized Mr. Spock on star trek watching Bambi recently and the male deer is was so rational, intelligent and smart. Re' was a

totally like that. He's secluded & doesn't seem to . paradox too because he's not tough. Well, he is in

' 54 . 7 at a really from paradox too because he's not tough. Well, he is in Starting young age, 1 felt alienated feeling his own way, but he's not tough in a physical sense. a lot of people around me. I can remember at six Those are some, of the ideal characteristics of a like this ages six and seven. When I was and

man. -At times some of these behaviors really seven I wasn't saying "I'm feeling alienated" I was haven't helped me at all and have been really thinking more along the lines of what's wrong with

hurtful to me. I was trying to impress all the people around

me. Just me. When I was in second-erade I remember my like with cousin and one of my close friends sitting there and every- telling me everything that was wrong with me.

body I've They would tell me all the things that I needed to

had my do better to be their friend. I always felt like I

struggles didn't know enough or like I wasn't cool enough.

in life, Even when I got older. I felt like something was

I for missing in my life. When I was in high school luttUer u^er-xtanclthq and I under- felt like everybody in the school knew something stand that I didn't and that they all knew the same thing. o£ topicx covered «n tWa ^ne, some This might not have been true but I felt alienated

ways I and thought everyone knew something that I was need to missing out on. I guess I can trace this feeling deal with these struggles now, but the roles I was throughout a lot of my life. taught as a man really go against and hinder my ability to heal and become a fuller person. For MC: When you talk about alienation, I think example, as I was growing up, I don't remember about high school, and even earlier. 1 felt totally ever talking about my insecurities or fears and I different than the other kids. For me, this feeling never talked about any kind of pain or feeling hurt, of not having something everyone else had came but I remember feeling a lot of that. Instead, I kept from all the images that I'd seen of different men, that all inside. I ended up drinking; doing drugs like my father, men in the media, men I would see and anything else that could keep these feelings as educators or leaders in the community, and guys inside. That's one of the biggest things of being that had just got things done. They were strong taught what a man is. and tough. I remember when my grandfather died- my dad's dad- my mom was crying, and my dad

favorite characters like "its time to B : My dad's TV were John was move on." He didn't even Wayne and Rambo. His favorite things to watch- on shed a tear. I was given the idea that men are tough

TV are war and violence. He likes disconnected and not emotional. I had no idea that these were violence where you never the repercussions. This roles that were assigned to us. I jusrfjgured that violence and these TV characters were the role men were inherently competent and didn'rlet models of a man I looked up to. This effected me things get to them. That this was part of their in so many ways. One of the ways it effected me nature. As a frttle kid I knew that I wasn't like that. was that I didn't feel like I fit in because I wasn't I remember getting in trouble on the playground totally into that violence and also I wasn't anything because I was out of line, and I started crying. The like the-nien en TV or in many of the images other kids on the playground didn't do that when around me. they got in trouble, they just took it and got angry.

Actually, When I was growing up I So I felt really different because the whole time I remember feeling like I didn't fit in all the time. was growing up. I knew that I was really sensitive. you ever acted in a way that is out of character for you in order to fit a person fc.lt that idea as a man. I Virginia wi ! lave in with I never h'ke I lived up to Lh this guy from Jamaica. I was paint- culture'? If yes, why? How did it make you feel? If you know this person still, please ask felt totally less than, like a "wimp," or a "pussy." ing his house and he of another came out and introduced feel. himself. When .them how it made them we shook hands I tried to crush his **' Are you comfortable with talking about your masculinity with men of other cultures? why or MM: I can see my alienation in a whole bunch hand and he was like "so, why do you do that?" I of different places. I wonder if it's just the three of was like "what do you why not? mean?"because I thought us were nerds in school, or if everyone is like he was talking about shaking who hands and I was kids Questions on Racism that. There was definitely a crowd of who really confused. He was like "why do you try to were the "cool kids" at school that I was not crush my hand?" and then started talking about allowed to hang out with. The one time I had a how people in different cultures shake hands What is racism? Who can be racist? Are you racist? Why, or why not? chance to hang out with them they told me I had to differently. He told me that they don't crush each

pound on friend. So I willingly went over there other's hands Questions on Class my where he's from and how it's just for and punched him in the middle of class. I hung out 'touching hands. It totally threw me for a loop. So

with them for three days before Chris Parsons was every time'I shake somebody's hand now, I try to What is your class background? How does this effect how you were taught to "be a man"? like "who is this fuckin pussy that's always hang- be as limp as possible. ing out with us. I'm really getting tired of his ass."

Well, nobody stood up for me, even though I could B: For me, one way my dad tried to make me tell some of them liked me. But he was one of the "act like a man" was with handshakes. When we

ring leaders- one of the coolest cool kids. So, that would shake hands he would squeeze really hard,

was that. They would always chase me around, and I was expected to squeeze hard to. This was a

and call me "pussy," and I was constantly trying to test of be as cool as them. A lot of their cool had to do man- with how unemotive they were. What is being hood,

cool? Just the word alone... cool, not hot-tempered. and I Calm, cool and collected. wouldn't play MC: You are in control. some- Questions on Manhood times MM: Yeah, for real. That's those boys. because Define manhood? How did you come up with this definition? Are you happy with this I didn't definition? If yes, why? If no, what would you like to change about the definition of manhood? MC: A few years ago I thought that if I could be feel like What do you dislike most about men? stronger physically, be more athletic or learn how I could What makes you proud to "Be a man? to fix cars, then I would be okay and feel like I fit live up Is there anything you would like to change about yourself? If yes, what? in. This didn't work because I was hurting people to the Is there anything you would like to change about how society portrays men? If.^es, what? by the way I was acting. expec- tations. Questions on questions MM: I remember when I worked at a brokerage I knew I wasn't strong enough to beat my dad, and

place with my dad and about 150 stockbrokers. I didn't want to try. This carried out in other ways leave out here life? What did we that is vital in your They were all totally macho and always screaming too. Sometimes when I would get into fights, I

over the phones, trying to scam people in to buying would just give up because I knew I wouldn't win. Credits: Some of ihese questions were brainstormed between me, Matthew Campbell, Sam Pullen. and Mat-: thew Mullinnex; Most of the socialization questions tame from a book edited by Franklin Abbott, called BOYHOOD: shit from them. Every time they shook your hand I didn't feel like I had what it took to pas^. those

Growing Up Male. A bunch of.the sex questions cairie. from a flyer written by Katie Dugat. Other random questions were it was a contest of who could crush whose hand. tests. At'the same time I started.to give up more in written Sarah Kennedy, Michelle Lucllcn, and Heather in flyer titled "Some things a few by Shayna Swanson. Lynn a Often I would hear women say, "if he doesn't have fights and other "men's games," I became really women always wanted to know about men..." which 1 distributed at a few men's workshops in Chicago during the summer a firm handshake then he's fishy." So, I was always introverted and thought thai I was just fucked up. of 1995. Compilation of these questions was by me, basil elias. doing trying to shake hands really hard until I was in This was also the time I started drinkina and 52 I easier because drugs all the lime. weird. guess. doing drugs can be How do you feel about violence? you don't have to deal with hardships in your life What are some experiences in your life where violence" was present? What were theV How same thing. I 15 either. MC: I did the exaci When was did you feel?

options. I felt like [ was in a I didrr*t have any Did you watch movies or TV with a lot of violence in them? Which programs? How did it

felt like I What was it like started doing a eage. I became introverted and was MC: before you feel to watch them? worth anything and not lot of drugs? fucked up, wasn't "man How does violence manifest in your present

I wasn't coordinated or enough." I felt like compe- relationships?

tent enough. I felt like I was in a cage of what I B: Before I became really introverted and

I started drinking to deal with my turned to drugs, [ got into lots of fights, all the could do. Question on Images of Men feelings. Drinking and smoking were ways I could time, trying to assert my manhood- even though I

control how [ felt instead of just letting it be. never called it that. When people around me would List 5 characteristics portrayed in the media taunt me, and I would feel really frustrated and as sexy in men. In women. MM: You can totally calculate drugs. You know agitated. Sometimes, if I was still being taunted, I List 5 characteristics portrayed in the media how many beers it takes you to get drunk, or you would curl up my tongue, make fists, tum pale and as strong in men. In women. know how long the trip is going to last. go into a sort of attack mode where I would lose all List 5 characteristics that you consider sexy sense of what was going on and jump at whoever in men. In women. B: Or if was taunting List 5 characteristics that you consider you don't me. Since I strong in men. In women. know how was a lot Which of these characteristics match up? ' many beers it smaller than What are 5 things you look up to in takes, you most people men? In women? Why? drink way around me

too much. were I would Questions on Intimacy You know lose. They how many would taunt Define trust? How can you tell somebody is trustworthy? Is there one type of people you beers wont me in the generally consider trustworthy?

get you beginning and What arc 5 of your ideal characteristics of being in a relationship?

drunk and you drink 10 times more than that would taunt me when I got frustrated. I didn't have Are you able to be intimate with other men? If no, why not? If yes, how does it feel?

because then you know that you'll be too fucked up any skills to deal with that. I would fight and they Do you feel closer with your male or female friends? why?

to think. would beat me up. I got more and more aggres- Do you get attracted to the same type of partner over and over again? If^yes, what are the

sive. Instead of fight, lose, and stop fighting, I similar characteristics? Why do you think this is?

think doing drugs actually feels would fight, lose, and fight more. I felt like I MM: Do you some What do you believe that the women in your life understand the least about you? What about

like emotions sometimes? When I get emotive it had to prove something. Then parents bought my the men in your life? feels really weird. Especially when I get upset or me a BB gun when I was in third grade and I would

when I a lot of one emotion. I kind brother with gun. have of wonder chase my out of the house the BB Questions on Race if doing drugs often feels the same way, but it's a I used to take kitchen knives and throw them at my

lot more acceptable to get all fucked up. brother. I was 10 years old. This is how I knew What is your ethnic or cultural background? how to deal With the intense aggression that I felt. I How did growing up with this background effect your views on masculinity? B: I think that there's a difference though felt so many different things and the way I took it What are "traditional" masculine stereotypes often associated with the culture you were because when you're feeling really weird when out was really aggressive. I still feel that way. raised in? How have these stereotypes limited you? How have they encouraged you? you're not doing drugs it's not something that's When I get really overwhelmed I have a hard time What are some stereotypes of masculinity you've heard about other cultures? Which of taking you away from .your emotions because it is being patient. I have a hard time seeing the fun and these stereotypes do you believe? Why? Have you ever seen men of other cultures not fit the stereo- your emotions. When you do drugsjt's replacing beauty and irony and enduring qualities in things. I types you've believed ahout them? What did this do for your ideas about these stereotypes? that feelinsw of your emotions, and you just feel get really frustrated. But before where I would get 10 51 '

yes, how do you feel your answers 10 ihese questions will differ than those of straight really aggressive now I get more passive. tangible as ajesult of the If emotion, like cutting my arm, dragging my 5 people? knuckle on a brick or throw Does the thought of two girls having sex turn you on? Why or why not? How does lesbian- MM: I didn't have the options of having emo- something through a window. parents. one ism of"'womcn with women" make you feel? tions when I was living with my The thought I was going B: How old were you When has questioning or defining your sexuality been a liberating experience? time that I actually cried, they when you can remem- insane. I felt like it too. I was having a fight with ber expressing your emotions in an aggressive Questions on Love them because I was defending this queer boy and way? my mom was totally anti-queer. I got so much

ammunition for this fight beforehand. I went to the MM: I have a hard time with ages, but I was Define Love? Name 2 people that you love. How do you know you're in love? queer resource center, and got all this information probably in elementary school when I threw Can you "fall out of love?" How do you know you're falling out of love? on churches, why they have problems with gays something through my window for the first time. I Do you feel loved by other men? Is this love different then the love you feel from women? If and why that doesn't make sense. I had it ail ready got grounded for something or another. I was yes, How so? to present. I started fighting with my mom and my always getting in trouble. I got sent to my room

dad came in and started fighting with me. My dad and was upset that I couldn't go play with my > Questions on Sexism was shoving me up against the wall in the laundry friends. I was mad that I got sent to my room again

room, which is a very small space, and my mom so I picked up a big chunk of clay and threw it Why, What is sexism? Who can be sexist? Are you sexist? was just standing there while I was getting beat- through my window. I didn't really mean to do it. I

or not? . why doing the laundry. Then I started panicking, just did it. for queer people? If yes, how? Why or Is sexism the same freaking out, and crying. My dad came at me, did a why not? huge bear hug on me and I couldn't move. I had MC: I never really expressed anger in such a oppression How does sexism tie in with other forms of no control of the conversation, over my emotions clear or overt way. I would get back at people in

(like racism, classism, ableism, sizeism, etc.) ? or .over my body. My mom finally came to my real subtle ways. I did really passive aggressive

rescue screaming "you need to let him go." After I types of things- simple things that are really

Questions on Emotions left, my dad said, "he needs to be in an institution." disrespectful to people like breaking appointments

They thought I was totally fucked up because I was and not doing things that they would want me to Do you talk about your emotions? having emotions and freaking out. because they would want me to. Do you have trouble expressing your emotions? with What ways do you express your emotions? (ie. talk, do art, MC: They're doing all this fucked up shit but MC: What are good skills to deal that? saying that need help and you're the problem. etc.) you was growing up I learned a lot of When you get angry, what physical sensations do you feel? That's so fucked up. B: When I skills about how to deal with my life. I feel like I Have you ever taken your anger out on. someone else? week I've been crying get more perspective on why I did How? When? What happened? MM: In the past so much need to some because I've been dealing with a lot of my emo- what I did. Why did I sexually assault my first What are some skills you can use when you get angry to feel your emotions and not hurt * tions in relation to being sexually abused. Every girlfriend? Why did I curl up in frustration and others in the process? time I start crying I feel like there is something attack when I was taunted? These questions are

wrong with me. I feel like I'm just a mess, and important to me now in thinking about where I am. Questions on Power shouldn't be this fucked up. When I think about it I'm rearranging my life to better deal with it. I was

now, I know that people should be healthy criers, raised with some context of manhood, with images - Define power? What is one of your earliest memories of feeling power? Who are some but whenever I cry I feel so bad. of Rambo and John Wayne, tighter handshakes and powerful people in your life? I know when I used to get angry, sad or aggressive tough-boy-G.I. Joe-shit. Now I'm

I whatever I would usually take it out on my envi- looking at it and saying "that's not what I want." on Violence Questions what it ronment. I would break something to show that I have a decision to make, and I'm redefining the was upset rather than cry. Either I would break means to be a man by admitting that some of Define violence? need something or do something else physical or skills I was raised with are either skills I don't 50 to nurture in in the house I really wanted to feel different anymore ur skills I want myself. I and a boy and be from yours?

skills to deal like I was in control, so I use logic all the I have really bad with my would When has defining or questioning know that your manhood been a liberating experience? emotions and feelings and I'm trying to replace time. My mom would say that I couldn't go out those bad skills with better skills that are more and I would ask "why not?" And break it down Questions on Sex suitable to live a healthier, non-abusive life. This is logically. The root of her-ffieiing'l&e-s^rcdkin't

I want me to for difficult but it's what need to do. Now I'm to the go out was never good enough me Define Sex?

acknowledge my feelings. I can because it always came down to her feeling scared point where I can How many kinds of sex are there? anxious, overwhelmed, scattered, or like I wasn't spending enough time with them. I say "I'm feeling What are other possible definitions of sex?

but I don't know what to do wanted a concrete reason like if I mow the lawn, or frazzled, sad," etc.. Define Rape? next. do something else then I can leave, and not just Define Sexual Assault/ Abuse? <^ =<* make her feel better. That just didn't make any - ' Is there a difference? If yes, what?

that first part. I sense to me. I way into or MM: See, I can't even do When could always argue my - Do you think your definitions of sex and sexual assault/abuse are learned? If yes, where did get a rush of emotions, that's all that it is. The out of you learn them from? If no, how did you come up with these: definitions? thing that comes out is "I don't know what I'm anything. Are there ways to violate your partner that aren't included in your definitions of rape and feeling". I have a really hard time figuring out Do you assault/abuse? Name some of these ways. what emotion I'm feeling. know what I How do you feel about sex? Are you comfortable talking about it with others? mean? What is it like for you when you see sex on the TV or in movies? MC: That's definitely a positive step from Have you Who initiates most of the sex you have- you or your partner? Why? acting instantly with aggres's'fon'w violence. It's a ever had What are some of the things you really like, when having sex? Ie. Oral sex, big step to be able to acknowledge your emo- that feeling etc. Name at least 3 ways to pay attention to your partners body language during sex. tions. I always hear that anger is usually the of "stay think of a time when second emotion and that there is always a root cairn, stay Can you you had sex but weren't sure if you or your partner wanted to

that goes before anger. A lot of time that root is rational?" or meant to?

hurt, fear, insecurity or other feelings. This" is How do you know when you want to have sex?

where I'm at. I'm trying to identify those feelings. MC: I was extremely self-centered and egotisti- Were you ever forced/coerced to have sex or seduced by someone? How did you feel about

To acknowledge "I'm feeling hurt now so I'm just cal in the way of thinking I was right and everyone it? Was there anyone you could talk to with who would help you?

going to sit and feel this hurt and talk out this hurt." else was stupid. This was especially more so with Do you know someone who has been sexually abused? How did you react when you found

That' s really hard to do because it's not pleasant. the women in my life- my mom and sister. out? Do you know any skills in how to be an ally to abuse survivors?

With anger I feel more powerful and like I have Name 3 things you can do if someone you know was raped? over what's going on, but that B: You expressed stuff so toward them? more control power more Have any of your closest friends been accused of rape? How did you feel? Did it change,

and control is just an illusion. your relationship? If yes, in what ways? MC: Yeah definitely. Part of the reason is that What are 3 things you can do if a friend of yours is accused of rape? * MM: I remember wanting to control my envi- my father wasn't really around and my brother was v How much do you and your partner communicate during sex? How does it feel? and everybody around me. Part of this had off in college. So there wasn't as much opportu- ronment Do you practice safer sex? Why or Why not? to do with sexual abuse that I went through from nity with them. But I still felt the hierarchy that my Name one person, if any, who you've been in an intimate relationship with who was physi- my dad. I always felt like I was under his control dad was on top of and the attitude that these were cally stronger than you? Was the difference noticeable? How did you feel? and had to be in control of my emotions on some women and I'm a man. My mom had been ex- If you haven't, how does the idea of being in a relationship with someone physically stronger level or another. You can see how I would have to posed to^thjs attitude all her life. The men in her than you feel? do whatever I had to do to make sure that what I life looked down on her, called her stupid and that

was feeling was manageable. kind of thing- even my father. I was playing out Questions on Sexuality Another control issue was the way that I that cycle. When I was a seven and my mother was always used to communicate with my mom. My 35. I was acting like I was better than her. making Are you Queer? dad moved out after a while and it was my two her know that and making her feel like shit. Most If not, how do you feel about people who are Queer? sisters mv mom and me. There were three »irls of the arguments I had were with my mom. I felt 17 49 —

really rational Be pntient wiih yourself in answering these questions. Get support if painful memories like she was stupid, and I would be would tell me to close that part of myself off from surface. Every question holds a story that needs to be told carefully. Add questions or amend these and logical ro deal with our conflicts. the rest of the world around me. They knew the issues more accurately. I almost never argued with my dad though, political repercussions of to represent your being an Arab in this because there was such a distance. I remember country- all the racism and bigotry, etc.- and they

I was in high didn't want Questions on Socialization arguing once or twice when school. me to have to struggle. So, they would time It was fucked up. I remember one he thought try to make me be only an American. This forced < , I was lying and I wasn't. This assimilation At what point where youTaware that youf^fe^9tafgin^ut a'iboy? about something, was part of cycle of violence they put was I told the truth to on me. Who taught you more about" your gender rafe^Mother, father, 'peers or others? probably the first time my parents in a couple years. He freaked out, threw me Finally, I have Before puberty, what was your'awarehess ofrtne'male body-^botKyours and others? What begun to recognize this up against the cabinets and started choking me. cycle and how it manifests itself in me. As well as was your awareness of the female-body,? .• iMBBLS^^xjWBt'- My voice was crackling. I felt powerless. I was been hurt, I know Do you remember any. recurring dreams or fantasies from tnis.time? that I've hurt a lot of people too. trying to This is the one of the hardest thing for me to How did youfeel about being out of doors? At school? At home'witt^arriily? By yourself? defend recognize and acknowledge. For example, I Who were'yb'ur best male friends? Who did you look up to among your elders? Whom did myself sexually assaulted my first girlfriend, and that was you avoid or fear?-' and me, continuing the cycle of violence. She was in a Whom did you have fights with? How often? Who disciplined you? How? How often? wasn't hard knox situation in her life already. She had Whq\vouId you go to if you were in trouble? Where did you go to be safe? Who cared for able to. been sexually abused by ' her parents, was from a : you when you. were sick? . ; V poor & dysfunctional family, and was looked down

.. accomptisfNjn school? Did you' excel in games, and school . "tWhat did you elementary music, B: on by lots of people around us. We started going Were you well liked? What kinds of problems did you have? subjects? 3^ By doing out and were both looking to each other to be some told about race/ethnicity/religion? What were told ab'om^odier What were you your you that, your sort of escape from our own situations in one way *"* """" or religions? races, ethnic groups dad was or another, until I sexually assaulted her. I feel so - it? to Who taught you about religion? Did you believe What were the hardest pans believe? pushing angry with myself every time I think about this. - Did you go through a time when'ybu didn't like girls? Did you have friends who were gjxls? this cycle

; Girlfriends? Were you ever called a girl or a 's^y.?^y^whom? How often? $|| of vio- MM: Me too. That's what I'm constantly ' ' — : : —— v_What toys did you play with? What garnes^rJid you play? ilfag lence on racking my brain about. I wake up every morning

What were your clothes like? What kinds of haircuts did you have? you. thinking about the people that I hurt. I don't know What TV shows, movies or stories did you like? With me, my parents were really control- how to deal with it. I molested my sister. Part of What did you want to be when you grew up? ling, especially with my schoolwork, and stuff my abuse was that I had to abuse my sister. A Did you have heroes or idols? about my race. It all ties in together though. See, couple weeks ago I made a list of all the people assaulted or Did vbuJiave sex play? With whom?i!ovffioTten? Were you ever caught? Punished? By They both came to this country from the Middle that I could have possibly sexually Whom? How?^ - *B&Bm ^st East, and were raised really different than me. On abused- all the way up to my first girlfriend, and all one hand they wanted me to have a lot of the things the boys I've slept with. I wonder how they see Were yoif ever forced to have sex or seduced by someone? How did youifeel about it? Was they had, especially from our social and cultural that now. This includes all the times that I've had there anyone you could_talk with who would help you? ^^Sps** A traditions. On the other hand they wanted me to sex before I even knew what sex was. Are they Did you hunt, fish'vqr "garden? Who taught you how? _.--«_ -:f^T'~ assimilate into American culture. Not only that, macho boys now, thinking about me as this little Did you have pets, hobbies, special treasures? 3^S?d 7 they wanted me to assimilate into middle class pervert. That's what my sister thinks. She. thinks Did you'have favorite teach*erT or relatives ?;Teachers or relatives you disliked or feared? American culture. So, they pushed me with school I'm a perverted, sick, fucker. I've gotten so much What was one of the best things that happened to you as Vboy? What was one of the worst? to become so many things that I never wanted to mail from her that's like "you're fucked, the whole What happened to you as a boy reached puberty? when you with be, like a Businessman or a Doctor. They tried to family's fucked." I have no idea how to deal Was there anyone who you could talk to about any problem you had? Who? Why were you that. control what I studied, and when I resisted, how that. I don't know if I can forgive myself_for able to talk to them? much I studied. Then they would try to control a What do you miss about being a boy? lot of my outlook on the world. They would tell MC: There's a long list of people I've hurt too- Assuming you have or could have a son or foster son, how would you want his boyhood to me that I'm American, and not an Arab. They in many different ways. I have a hard time talking. 4S ,

ut caicuiaieu. uoing art reels like pure emotion

abusive, but I've been abusive in other ways. This sometimes because it's out of my control. cycle of violence has been taught to me. The pain

comes around and I'm not taught+iow to deal with MC: Lately, I feel like I've adapted all these

it. I know what it's like to be really hurt and really new ideas about what's okay for men to do. I have

abutted and I've passed that on. I don't like that. a lot of understanding now about these things, like

So, I'm doing this work. I'm doing work it being unhealthy for me to hold in my emotions.

violence. But at the time Now I know that and other against sexism and same it's a good thing for me *oethh9 to *

people. This is really tricky because in order for me emotions. But just because I know that doesn't

to be really open and honest I have to reveal some mean I do it. I still get freaked out. If there are guys 50tte QUtSftQfiS really horrible things I've done, and I feel like around I'm not gonna cry. I'm constantly looking people are going to discount the work and the around to see who is there. There are certain fO (Viol tf> tV>& pTQctSS wonderful things I do. I'm afraid that people will people who I talk to about personal things, but it call me a hypocrite. takes me a long, time to trust a group of guys. For xefWtxcov'ery. example, I've been talking with

MM: Basil, you were talking you guys for a little while now about being emotive in a about personal things, but how

controlling way- What did you. personal do I get? How in- ""^ mean by that? tensely do you know me? Do I

speak from my heart or am I

B: When I started being speaking from experiences that I

confronted by feminism I went had or feelings that I had? Can I

into a process of becoming self tell you about how insecure, critical of how aggression, how fucked up, insignificant, or

violence and sexism fit into my un-manly I feel right now?

life. I tried to be more sensitive to the people

around me but in a way where I felt like I had B: I have a great story. Today when I saw

control over what was going on. I still Find this you at school you asked me how I was doing, and I

pattern in my life. I have a hard time expressing said frazzled because I was having a hard time

my feelings in an open way. I have a really hard earlier. I was still having a hard time when I saw

in general. This relates to I time letting go a lot of . you but said how I was doing in a way that was

fear I have of what I'll be like if I let go, who I'll analytical and disconnected from how I was

be like, and how people will perceive me. So, actually doing. I didn't allow myself to really

when I examine my feelings, sometimes I find that express my feelings to you. I presented myself like

I do it in a precise way, logical and rigid way. One I was in total- control. I have an easier time ex- thing I've been working on lately is to try and let pressing myself with the women in my life, but no go, open up, and feel what it feels like to not be so matter how vulnerable or against sexism you guys logical or controlling about my emotions.. or other men in my life are, I have a hard time letting go and being open. There's always a

MM: I think I hit that problem of letting go disclaimer at the end of a feeling when I'm with when I do art. Art is so intimidating to me because guys. I especially have a hard time trusting men it's not logical. How you hold a brush, which way who don't openly acknowledge that there is you move it, and how much paint you put on can't sexism. It doesn't have to be in the same "men 47 against context of what I grew up with and wha[ j djd j sexism" can't change my past but I'm still responsible to language- make sure I don't make these mistakes again and using that I give my best effort to help prevent others words like being abused from and from abusing other people. perpetrator The major work I see is with men. It's a really and cycle difficult task because I was real resistant to admit of vio- that I was wrong. I'm still resistant to saying that I lence- but am part of the problem. Masculinity, for me, was

it has to be wrapped up in ego. I was taught to be right and in

some control. I know that in order to make a better

i;] acknowl- world I have to forego the whole thing. I had to

edgment change absolutely everything I was taught. That's that there difficult.

is a

problem B: Which brings us back to this zine. The

and an whole reason I wanted to put together this zine is to

attempt to deal with it. talk about processes of men ending sexism and my

process. How I was raised as a man. How I was

MM: I've never cried to another'boy. Maybe raised as aggressive and how I didn't have the

with my dad once, but I was way out on the edge, skills to deal with my emotions. I not only didn't

feeling like I was about to go crazy when that have the skills to not deal with my emotions; I happened. But I've totally cried, gotten shaky and didn't have the skills to acknowledge my emotions, out of control with women. or to take care of myself, to take care of other

people. I wanted to talk about those things and

MC: This is a little different, but I felt a free- how feminism totally confronted the shit out of me.

dom when I first came upon feminism, because I How I embraced* that confrontation because while I

felt a comradeship. I felt like men had abused me was being confronted, it was the only place where I

in my life. Not necessarily child abuse but even could see people publicly saying "things are fucked

trying to live up to being a man. Being teased and up," and saying it because they cared about

picked on and the subtle things of me not feeling themselves and me. I realized that my pain is real

like a man. Feeling abused by the media images of and I'm not alone, and that I could do something

roles of leaders and those things. When I came to . about it. Now I do all this men's work. I do all this

feminism I realized that I'm not crazy and that activism against sexism and domestic violence. I'm

things are fucked up. I started hating all men for a trying to put together this zine and try to talk to

good while. Then came upon the realization that' people. And it's coming out of this intense feeling

I'm still male. Now I hate myself too. Part of this of responsibility. may and self-hating but there sound unhealthy are :

parts of me that I shouldn't accept. I have abused

others. I don't think I should like those parts. I

shouldn't hate them but I should put them in a

46 .

Without previous knowledge, I will be proud to be a man. at first glance it would be difficult to see <7 what is so unique and special about I will not let the far right define what's, right. each of these gentleman.

I'm gonna relate to people instead of be reactive. a

I will be more critical of myself and my actions.

I will help people go into high schools and talk about sexism*

I will seek intimacy with men.

I will get clear about what sexism is.

I will not let fear of attack deter me in my goal to eliminate sexism.

I will support women in their struggle to choose.

I will be an ally to both men and women to end sexism.

I will work to demolish my insecurities around men and women.

more. I will give up my neediness of women and listen to them-

However, it doesn't take a

I will endeavor to confront male sexism. genius to see that. . CUcel o: en Have iU M - Men have the choice to These Men Stop Telling sexist jokes. - have the choice to Men i Treat both women and due an men with respect - Men have the choice to equal. Hear and accept "NO" from thier partner.

- Men -have the choice to Mentor and educate other - Men have the choice to males on these issues. Stop violence within their families and to encourage

men's participation in un-

derstanding it's roots.

- Men have the choice to Play an Active Role in

stopping sexual violence, - Men have the choice to harassment, and abuse. Develop healthy relation- ships with both men and women and to carry this over to how we deal with the world as a whole.

- Men have the choice to Not make assumptions - Men have the choice to" about women regardless Accept a balance of both of their dress, or actions. their feminine and mascu- line qualities. Are Sexy. Men kave fk ese choices and others to makmake our wop Id

a salefe anckkealfka ij envtronmenit in wwkick to I ive. Standing Up to Say; "No More": Fat is just a big joke. Steps Toward A Rape-Free Culture These guys aren't to be We live in a rape culture. tistics represent real people, and Where, in the US, a woman is raped it' s most likely that people we taken seriously. every 2-3 minutes, -1. in 3 females all know have been effected by this is sexually abused before age 18, tragedy. Rape, including all forms 1 in 2.5 women are victims of sexual of sexual harrassment, abuse and assault in their lifetimes, and 1 assault is serious and we must all in 6 boys are victims of incest or take steps in our life to promote a other- sexual assault before their' rape-free culture. The following eighteenth birthday. These sta- is a "list of some steps we can take. C?TALK ABOUT SEX ^DISCUSS YOUR EXPECTATIONS tfTAKE " NO" FOR AN ANSWER C?RECOGNIZE AND SHARE YOUR FEELINGS ^RESPECT OTHER' S FEELINGS

<7 DEVELOP FULL RELATIONSHIPS WITH BOTH MEN AND WOMEN' ^CONFRONT WOMAN-HATING ATTITUDES IN OURSELVES AND OTHERS

Jackie Gleason ^RECOGNIZE AND INTERRUPT SEXUAL ASSAULT

Fat Man" - a song of Jethro TuII's 1969 album Stand Up C^STOP PRETENDING SUBMISSION IS CONSENT ^SUPPORT ANTI-RAPE ORGANIZATIONS Don't want to be a fat man, people would think that I was tfSTOP WITHDRAWING EMOTIONALLY — just good fun. Would rather be a thin man, tfSTOP TELLING SEXIST JOKES I am so glad to go on being one. tfBE Too much to carry around with you, CRITICAL OF PORNOGRAPHY no chance of finding a woman who tfSTOP BEING VIOLENT will love you in the morning and all the night time too.

Don't want to be a fat man, have not the patience to ignore ali-that. Hate to admit to myself halfof my problems came from being fat. Won't waste my time feeling sorry for him, I seen the other side to being thin. Roll us both down a mountain and" I'm sure the fat man would win.

18 different cultural, ethnic and class origins and For example, Coalition Building support each other's struggles. I am Mens Issues of Image an Arab, queer, upper-middle class man. and I need In compiling the writing for this zine, to be able to be all of who l am when I am dointi Eating disorders are somewhat of a luxury. It explored. Other disorders like difficulty I've noticed that there isn't much.mention of or inability 10 seems easy to view over-eating as a luxury resulting swallow will not be addressed here. work against, sexism. race and how issues of racism tie into sexism. I've often heard pro-feminist men's movement is Arab-american, from abundance, but not so easy to identify the self- that "rugged individualism" A Being an middle class man, I is 1 - " deprecating disorders of anorexia and bulimia as an American value. Try being a true important in challenging men's roles in society deal-with racism constantly rn -my life and individual and see

luxuries. I don't mean to undermine-the torture eating what Americans really think. Self-contained because men can learn to be supportive of each cannot separate this from my anti-sexist or suffi- disordered people suffer by arguing the luxury of it. ciency is a more accurate value in America, I not anti-classist work. understand I be other and benefit from this support and closeness that can't fit into individualism. In this sexist society, a man against sexism if I'm not against racism I'm questioning where eating disorders these values are and to be supportive of women, while women have independent too, because with working in the struggle Maslow's hierarchy of needs. The obvious question is applied to men. An individualistic woman the space to express themselves fully and to be why do people choose to starve themselves? Maslow is somewhat frowned upon still today. Manliness is against one form of oppression I must also heard and respected. This offsets the unequal all talked about humans being motivated by a striving to measured by a man's ability to conform to the ideals work to end oppression. Just like I can't be of having more freedom and power dynamic of men anti-racist without working with struggles fulfill particular needs. So the next question becomes masculinity. Some of these ideals arc strength, and being able- to grant women freedom and against sexism, classism or homophobia. With what need are people attempting to fulfill through competence, control, and self-sufficiency. Independent power, to men doing the work on ourselves for breaking the silences around one form of eating disorders? thinking and behavior is "appropriate" for men as long

taking less is broad subject and I'll begin to as it upholds the rigid ideals of masculinity; ourselves and women, therefore up oppression, I need to work toward ending all This a hetero-

narrow it exploring the not so commonly scxuality, hard work, and dominance over space, where women can take that space and make oppressive silences. Otherwise, I disrespect down by anything that with eating disorders. myself and the work I do by being disrespect- explored area of males A is not male or that which threatens malcness. it their own. Then, where so many^men have oppressed peoples woman's problem you say? One out of ten people There is a definite physical to pushed women back and not listened to them ful to everywhere. component The concepts of building coalitions are diagnosed with eating disorders is male. I suggest that masculinity. Small, skinny guys are "pip-squeaks." because men have thought they were so much as issues really important to me. I believe that in the myth of eating disorders women's has Muscular men embody hard work, ability dominate, more important, women can stand up and say what struggles to end oppression, groups working prevented many men from admitting they have a and sexual virility (also the ability 10 attract women).. they have to say, and we, as men, will listen. with different issues need to work together problem, seeking treatment, and thus from being Fat men represent laziness and possibly a lack of self- A pro-feminist men's movement is and we need to be respectful, supportive and counted in the statistics. Men do have anorexia, constraint. These arc a few meanings American culture important because men need to fulfill our emo- critical of each others work. Personally, I need bulimia, and overeating problems and I plan to address attaches to body image. In some Latin American spiritual needs, and women tional, physical and to be accountable for my actions that hurt - the whys and hows. cultures larger bellies equate masculinity because ihcy 4^id^T^4f4H^I^--e^B©t4efv^^ Trtlrers^^c^piayiroroppressive cycles, as well" It is often a frustrating process attempting to arc culturally associated with wealth and affluence.

spiritual needs, and men need to do this in a way as I need to work with other people who are understand psychological disorders through researching Just as some mctTauempi to live up to culturally of their actions. Because in official and live that is not abusive and obtrusive to women. This is also accountable studies and tests which appear the dictated masculine behaviors, some men attempt to important because these struggles are bigger than all of us, and scholarly journals. Many of the articles I've found up to culturally dictated masculine body image. The need to work together. People and groups to ' women are dying from we during this research were formulating ideas as who is ideal masculine body image in America looks some- working together is imperative in ending most at risk for eating disorders by examining different thing like this: men's abuse every day, oppression. and obscure factors of biological make up. That's and we need to heal said, I this zine. I With that look at great and all and can be helpful at times, but I find it ourselves and stop 'the wonder how the ideas in here will sit with more helpful to actually ask men who have eating abuse, and support people of many communities. I know that the disorders how they feel about their condition and what women in their heal- of my socialization as an Arab-american issues they think causes it. So I've talked with men about ing. Men need to man are different than a friend who's their body image and draw on my own experiences for

I of respect, listen and european-american. know that issues this paper. in fhany different black communities learn from women, manhood To the task of narrowing again. Eating

will be different than mine. I know, however, humbly, and in turn disorders come in all shapes and sizes. The focus here that sexism, in it's many different forms falls taking the patriarchy is eating disorders which are spawned or affected by into ail these communities, and we need to apart, piece by piece body image perception as well as other ways which find our own ways to address these issues and m men deal with body image. Overeating, by itself, other of to challenge and transform ourselves and our It is not common for advertising and forms doesn't appear to be connected 10 body image issues, communities. popular media to display out of shape, overweight men. but there may be some connections which will he Just look around. was focused on drugs. I checked into rehab with my Overeating is an eating disorder. It is different drug addiction and left with extreme insecurity and an A (Pro) Feminist from the image related disorders so I'm addressing first extra thirty pounds. Food became my new way to deal Men's OCISM Movement I

rest of the paper. Overeating is with problems and emotions. I I literally and separately from the my As said. Lately, in working on sexism within my feminism is defined differently by the similar to addiction in that the ovcrcatcr cannot gained thirty pounds in the thirty days I was in treat- many drug life and my community, I've been dealing with two woman who consider themselves seem to control the behavior even in the face of ment. During my first year of -addiction recovery I ate feminists groups of men. These groups are I. men who Finally, I came up with a rough on food is a fast food at least once definition negative consequences. Bingcing way that but commonly two to three times of what I actively work against sexism, and 2, men who, mean by a feminist basis. people can either distract themselves from or suppress a day. My body was disgusting to me. while acknowledging that sexism is wrong, A feminist basis for a men's their feelings. There is even a physiologically addictive Weight lifting had intimidated mc because it movement is both a generally avoid confronting it~.~I.belong to the first pro- woman and anti-patriarchy quality to sugars and fatty foods for some people. The seemed so macho. Football player friend Scan cased movement that group. looks at overeating itself doesn't seem to be driven by a striving me into it however. I started working out obsessively power dynamics between men and for a masculine body type but often leads to a negative and trying to get stronger and more muscular. Luckily, „ I began organizing men's support and women, where men

about the bingeing through recovery, I in discussion groups almost 3 years ago, in an self image. Guilt and shame and my was building my self-esteem 1 realize their place in . the patriarchy and chal- consequent body image lead some men to purge. This other ways and realized that this working out was attempt to create a support system for me and the lenge this position, distorting self-perception. I'm a really neat in a is bulimia. my guy men around me. I wanted a space for us to deal 2. listen-io what women have to say (i mean really I don't feel that 1 can really explain exactly the lot of ways and I continue to cultivate beautiful with our sexism in a non-judgemental way, under listen), and

eating disorders. I know that I qualities in myself. The hard thing for to handle is what why and hnw of mc the preface that wc are all sexist men trying to 3. realize that the patriarchy was put in place by have never been bulimic because the many times that I that no matter how much I like myself. I still feel work through it. I started writing articles about my men and needs men and women to work together tried to make myself purge I, was unable to vomit. I excruciatingly uncomfortable taking my shirt off in life, my work on sexism and men's roles in to take it out of place. feel lucky that the times I stuck my fingers down my public or wearing clingy clothing. particular. Through writing, I my wanted, both, a Men need to understand that getting throat and gagged and gagged' fRat Wouldn't vomit I have this problem with perfectionism and I connection with other men dealing with similar together to talk about because bulimia can do real physical damage. One of fall very shy of perfect. But no matter how many good our emotions and feelings is issues, and a public space to be open about men's very important and need to the smartest friends I have, Deborah Coulsion, did her qualities I find in myself, I negate each one because of we challenge the roles issues for. all men to have access to. masters thesis on eating disorders and she told me that my body image. What a person looks like is the first we were placed under as men, but that we need to

Through work on sexism, I vomiting actually creates chemical changes in the body quality that is assessed. It takes some time for someone my began to do this in a way that is encouraging for and not addictive. With history of to find other who were dealing with similar which can be my addiction it to get know me but they instantly know what I look men roles alienating to women. A feminist basis for a men's

would bad for mc to have succeeded with like. I still don't have the greatest I (i.e.. father's have been self-esteem so mythopoetic, rights, religious men's movement is unlike other men's movements that purging. figure that people arc going to judge me negatively movements, etc.). I understand that there are so are so pro-men that they become anti-women acain of Since I became aware my body in high because I have a little bit of a belly. many men who arc questioning their present roles (therefore reinstating the patriarchy). It is like school, I have been very uncomfortable taking off A good while ago Roscannc Barr had my come in society are working to and change these roles. [ feminism^wfrich gives women the chance to speak shin in public. Self-esteem is something that I have out as a survivor of sexual abuse. also understand that I need a focus with the men's and define who they are while supporting women always lacked. A lot of it has to do with feeling that I When she did, she kind of explained her weight as a groups I participate with and, more specifically, to do this. wasn't masculine. Sports were never my thing, except coping/defense mechanism. For her it was a way to with the do. I personal work I understand that this A pro-feminist men's movement is a group of guys for tennis which isn't football, baseball, or basketball. become an unlikely target for further sexual assault. focus needs to come from, and to support, where I who want to work on ourselves (encourage our I've always been very sensitive and full of fear and Most of the people I talk to who have been abused learned to question my role as a sexist man- this v insecurity. Sensitive and scared are not traits of (sexually, emotionally, physically) describe a sense of emotions and closeness with other men) and place being masculinity. Chorus was one of my favorite activities powerlessness or lack of control resulting from the feminism. actively challenge the patriarchy (and ways in

in school and I was good at singing. Another "unmas- powerlessness they experienced during the abuse. A lot which society's rules oppress women and hurt culine" thing about me was that I was considered of us "survivors" attempt to gain some sense of control When beginning to write this article, my men), and do this in a way that is encouraging and

"pussy-whipped" in relation to my girlfriends it because I even if is self-destructive. Some people hurt them- friend Erika and I were brainstorming ideas when supportive of and because of all women {including was unable to stand up for myself or was vulnerable to selves with drugs, some physically hurt themselves, she asked me to define what I mean by a "pro- women of different race, class, and ethnic back- them. The only things I was proud were my intelli- some hurt others, some attempt to control their bodies, feminist men's movement." I tumbled over my grounds and sexual orientations), because we gence and singing ability which translate to "nerd" in and some of us do a little of each plus a number of words and came up with "a movement of men who acknowledge that all forms of oppression are high school. . things I haven't listed or even identified. are working toward ending sexism with a feminist interlocked, we work against sexist oppression as I first began to deal with my insecurities Not all of the men I have talked to who basis." She then asked a more difficult question- part of working against all oppress ion;*and for our through heavy drug use. My body image wasn't a struggle with their body image have been sexually "what is a feminist basis?" Talking about concern (neither was anything this own liberation. A true men's movement should of mine else) because I abused. This goes back to the idea that masculinity has question over and over again. I understood that the needs 20 address and struggles of men from 4[ I

a corresponding body type. The 'feminine" ideal that and supplements because as strong as they are they feel^ ' is pushed is thinness whereas for men it is lean and the need to be "bigger and better." muscular. Overweight men concerned with body image For different men there arc different factors attempt weight and build muscle. The use of which to lose influence their body image issues. Dancers, steroids by some men displays feelings of insecurity actors and sex , workers fit must certain standards if

regarding their body size. they arc to be successful (just as it is for tij bos i women.) Of

I have read reports that gay and Everything course larger men have their place in the media but arc bisexual men as having higher incidence of eating limited in their roles. They arc not usually playimi

disorders and body image problems. Within the gay roles of the action hero or the romantic. This influ- community body image for men is more emphasized ences the men who consume the media and sends them Matthew Fox, a creation spirituality work with. than in the heterosexual commu- the messages that competent and theologian, in his book The Reinvention of Work, Men's work is our inner work! This is nity. It has been pretty much sexually attractive men are thin and of looking at our lives, says "There are three types of work, inner work, the process healing from accepted that man (straight, bi, muscular. hurts, and nurturing our the outer work, and the work you do to bring the two our beauty. This is gay, other) have a high response Whenever people attempt to to visual In the together." These three types of work relate to process of discarding old coping skills that are no stimulation. modify themselves (whether their heterosexual world, this is played behavior, thinking many facets of fife. Inner work is the work we longer relevant to our lives anymore and devel- patterns, or out physical stan- by extreme physical appearance) it is an admis- do on our selves. This type of work can be to oping new healthy skills to replace them. This is dards for women and bodily sion that they arc not comfortable or increase our self-awareness. Outer work is the about knowing ourselves fully and accepting our objectification. The same thing happy with their current self. This is work we do with our families^frie^nds, communi- lives, taking responsibility for our actions and occurs in gay male community great when they are trying to change outside of ourselves. The directing our lives where we want to be headed. ties, and the people with the standards and objectifi- negative or destructive things about work we do to bring these two together is the link Men's work is our outer work. This is cation being placed on men. themselves. There are varying between our inner and outer work. the work we do with our friends, family and Many of the queer men I talk degrees from that of just wanting to heightened Another version of these terms inner and communities. This is building healthy relation- with experience a lose a few pounds' to an absolute body consciousness. When I obsession with perfecting the body outer are our private and public sphere. I've seen ships and healing hurt relationships. This is think of being with a man, I even if it means dangerous and many men do work in their public sphere, but working with or donating to community pro- become more uncomfortable unhealthy behavior. leave their private sphere unkept and falling grams that work against violence. This is saying with my body than 1 have when I To sum it up. men and apart, [t is important that we work within our no to sexism around and within us, and trying to have been physically intimate women arc socialized to adhere to challenge sexism in the society we live in. This private and public sphere when we do any kind with women. certain standards of masculinity and of emotional, physical, or spiritual work. Other- is learning to understand how sexism connects More men than those who comprise the ten femininity respectively. The more a man feels insecure wise we follow the patterns of many hurt men in with all other social issues and working to bridge percent of eating disorders struggle with their body about his relationship to masculinity, the harder he tries

less likely fit and this society- having good relationships at work the gaps between our privilege and oppressions image. First of all, men arc much to seek to fit the role. Manipulating the-body to the lean help for or admit their eating disorders because it seems strong standards is one of the ways some men attempt and painful, lonely relationships with the people and to make these connections in the world very unmasculinc to feel insecure with their bodies and to achieve a masculine identity. We arc all bom with we share our homes with. around us. have a "woman's" problem. Trying to fit into mascu- different bodies. Some arc closer to the "ideal" than Doing men's work is no different. It is The work of bringing these two worlds, linity definitely kept me from talking about my body others. There are men who arc more comfortable with important for us to do the work on ourselves as inner and outer, together is about sharing our insecurity for a long time. themselves and their masculinity and therefore com- well community. We can not work personal work with others and learning from the as go into the So men's eating disorders go unnoticed often fortable with their bodies. Some men arc very insecure bringing it effectively. at a domestic violence shelter if our work we dp in our communities and and the other ways men cope with negative body image and therefore make many and varied attempts to be inner self is suffering and is getting no attention. back to our own lives. This is the link between isn't normally seen as problematic. This is the case more masculine. These attempts manifest in many Many people who only do the public work ourselves and the rest of the world. with athletes and compulsive exercisers. With athletes, different behaviors which are hurtful to themselves and

their paper is about men without the private work end up projecting their Men's work is important work and it achievements can be a way to attain a sense of the people around them. Since this masculinity. In my experiences of going to gyms, I've and body-image disorders I've addressed hqy/ attempt- own feelings on the people they are trying to happens in each and every one of us. seen many men who arc insecure with their bodies. ing to live up to "ideal masculinity" can be hurtful to

They don't talk about it, they just lift more weights. men in the way that it causes painful dysfunction to There are very lean and muscular men who buy steroids how wc treat ourselves and our bodies 40 rarely thought about As a man, I have ixon how i-tame to understand "masculinity." In fact, later, men) were severely limited for years before dominant images of masculinity have only helped I was able to critically examine my early condi- 1 have been conditioned to me to ignore how tioning. accept certain ideas about "manhood." A while In elementary school, 1 was, by no

ago, though, I read an article in a class that I was means, a "gender bender." Simply put, like many taking that made me think more critically about other boys, I was uncomfortable with many of how my understanding of my gender identity has the norms I was expected to fulfill. I didn't really been shaped. The article was about school as a think of challenging them, though. Fortunately, place where boys learn about what it is to.be by eighth grade, still uncomfortable with prevail- "male." It made me think about my experiences ing ideas of masculinity and hardly "popular," I in school. > found a group of older, eleventh- and twelfth- As I searched my history as a student, I grade friends that accepted me. Tellingly, they realized that, for as long as.I can remember, I were predominantly queer—lesbians and one gay have been uncomfortable with traditional ideas of wor^r <(o man. To them, gender roles were games to play, TVt we can to mi stx* "normal" masculinity. For example, I vividly not fixed norms. Likewise, sexuality was some-

. recall that in the game that many of us know as thing to enjoy, not to repress or confine. I remem- vxfl "boys chase girls" at recess in elementary school, in our /Wex md cofWtyn'tttex. ber at this same time, filling out surveys for sex I frequently ran with the girls. I also remember education class and others, marking the sexual that most of the competitive games at schooi orientation box "undecided." That became one of scared me more than attracting my interest. I the most liberating ways that I could think of dreaded the physical education classes that we myself. had twice a week from first to sixth grade. I I think it was my lesbian friends who simply never "measured up" to the physical taught me best that I could be male, non-tradi- prowess of most of the other boys. I see now that tional, and anti-sexist. In a very concrete way, the P.E. ritual, in many ways, set and reinforced they showed me that women are not passive how we thought of masculinity. sexual objects, but subjects capable of self- Furthermore, I can grasp in retrospect determination. And they helped me see that I how my seven-year-old understanding of mascu- could be a man, yet not feel threatened by their linity came to be tied to heterosexism and strength, their assertiveness. To this day, most of homophobia. I remember walking with my best my best friends are still strong, assertive women. friend Clark at recess, both of us often with our Even as my supportive group of queer arms around each other in mutual affection, until friends graduated, I didn't forget the lessons that one day his older brother called us "faggots." they taught rae about my ability to consciously Though I had no idea what exactly that label shape my gender and sexual identity. meant, I knew it was bad. There is truly no better I certainly don't think that I've escaped "mascu- example in my mind of the point that heterosexist line" norms—my friends still tell me that I'm silencing affects everyone. I was just a child, but being sexist when I am—but I have been and my ways of showing affection to other boys (and. continue to be critical. And I feel more free for it.

39 ^

Bfflillil'lteii^ long as I'm not at for I kinda like needles, as the dentist, not smack, never done that I'm

too sensitive to chemicals for that. No just needles, piercing, drawing and giving blood. I love

with friend we'd giving blood. I used to go to the blood bank my Jason and race to finish bleed-

ing off a pint. I liked giving blood. I can't now, they don't take faggot blood. "IF YOU HAVE

HAD HOMOSEXUAL CONTACT WITH A MALE SINCE 1977, YOU ARE AT HIGH RISK".

Fuck you. my dad raped, and used slave brothels in Vietnam, and my mom never touched a

condom. That's why I'm at risk.

I ~H I pulled out the gun never ever had ^>

pulled back the hammer j—j-j

and I shot my fuckin' dad I saved my life that day H I think I saved my life "< I Coasting into Safeway v, " :$- — He put his foot down, ^ j-j-j The van obeyed £

And stopped what it was doing 3 When he didn't get out S ^Aj

I got nervous 3. When he said ^____- "We need to have a talk." I

I got scared

It meant I was in trouble _____ "What do you know about sex son?"

' What the fuck does that mean? J 73

38 me more likely of being a perpetrator also. I tried some of that pain to suck your dick and I didn't want to do that. When I had to ignore the fact that I had sexually assaulted a Hopefully this has exposed my resistance you shot me with your fat fleshy And when irirlfriend of mine. Blaming the victim was a to feminism and my misogyny -a bit. I'm a little way that I tried to deal with the shame I felt. more secure with gun myself today and try not to

** - life didn't really get off to a great My assume I know another person's experience. In my ass They have a sting . start. As I've mentioned, I was abused by men When women talk with me about Wasn't that sex? Because of that thing their pains of and women when I was younger. At the same growing up and living in a sexist society, I listen. What is sex? My dad did to me I've it in a lot of-ways too. time, had good My My guilt and shame and insecurity still rise up, shot him with that Maybe I should've His ass shitting meat self-centeredness spurred along my resistance to but I just pay attention to them QUESTION and put them Plugging up the toilet seat feminism in the that I didn't to way want hear aside so I can be more empathetic and compas- another hole in my head, Instead I shot Like a cork about anyone elses pain. The world owed me. It sionate. I do not deny my own pain and hope- memory, Another hole in my Like his hand on my mouth made me angry when people were talking about fully I don't portray women as goddesses and their own problems instead of making mine My whole life. Like the door my mom pounded on men as devils. The story is more complicated better. When women talked about men doing this than men are perpetrators and women are vic- That's-how I saved my self The door with out a lock and that, self-centered me took it as a personal tims. Men are suffering greatly in this society By shooting myself in the head Screaming attack. also, but it is time for me and other men to stop « I just forgot Mjke let me in. Open this door" The stereotype of women having more transferring this suffering to women.

sex?. I know enough" "What do I know about frantic intimate friendships and greater freedom of I've been tired of my anger and self- enough "n I'd had There was no lock on that door emotional expression made me envious and centered guilt and fear getting in the way of too much I'd known That smell, burnt matches jealous. I wanted those things. When women connecting with women as well as men. My first Though that didn't matter Covering up the smell talked about their inequalities, I denied them by idea for this paper was to write about men's

responding, "Yeah but at least you can have close resistance to feminism. I chose to write my "Well okay" Meat shit friends and you can cry." It was all about me and personal experiences because blaming other men So we went shopping Flesh shit my pain. I tried to take center stage and have won't solve anything and attempting, to relieve We bought flesh He consumed me someone feel sorry for me (part of my desire is a my burden of guilt by writing in third person He dealt in flesh My ass legitimate need for my pain to be heard but if I won't help me grow. Hiding by telling my story Family and animal Plowing deny or minimize someone else's pain in the as if it was soifreone else is lying and these dark flesh & memory He consumed Plowing my ass like his land his field process, it is hurtful self-centeredness). It is very things I hate about myself need to be revealed He taught me to consume my flesh with Private property rude to explain to someone that they shouldn't and brought into the light. When I ignore un- feel angry or upset because they have this or that comfortable aspects of myself, I'm not paying razors Keep out advantage. Explaining away the pain is "blaming attention to them. When I 'm not paying atten- And my memory with holes He has a gun the victim" again and a way to clear tion to them, they can manifest and with pain because it real I filled them was myself of responsibility of the pain hurt others while I'm not looking.

I have inflicted. It is also self- Only by being brutally honest about chest I cut holes in my centered because listening and who I am can I stop hurting others

My arm that I consequently myself. ! never pulled the trigger being empathetic mean share and My inner thighs Of the gun I Never ever had

no one noticed .

1 think i save my life that day I burnt my- fingers with incense

Never matches But 1 never shot my dad Burnt matches smell like shit

17 24 hearing women talk have do 10 my father or to other boys. about how badly they Masculinity plays a big part in all of this. been treated by men and different things they was gay. I told my folks him, I about had a friend once who so when i told them didn't like about It we were From early orv-I got a sense of competition of us men. is somewhat of an odd

used to thing (when put in context going to go hang out, it triggered a fight that ended up with my blood on my shoes. (menf verses them (women). My Dad put with my misogyny), Dripping all the also modeled the cocky but I was always close with female friends down my Mom a lot. He my the holes in my memory dripping back to the roots way back it trickled through drying there leaving a I and really sensitive to arrogance and biting sarcasm which took on. I their needs. So I heard rust brown trail through maze of Swiss cheese memories. Bloody roots. When i try to remember i alliance with all the men in the about the pain and suffering and the inequality felt as If 1 was in

This is they experienced. It hearing in house with flat colorless world when I put my Mom down. about as made me very sad feel like I'm standing an empty walls that keep out the past. The door out they were treated. close to feeling masculine as I had gotten. Being how I even got angry at it. I is terrifying, so i can't even see The windows can at least see. Not necessary see out, but at or particular cool and in control and dominant were things [ was society boys with them and for hard thing least see. Most are like bathroom windows the kind that are frosty, you can see movement but supposed to do as a man and so I tried to prove my them. The about hearing their pain

could. I felt less than to most was hearing them talk about different things in superiority where I nothing clear. They're like the kind my dads bedroom bath^ Where i first saw a penis other than

attack them and since women which boys had done to them that I had done to men so I couldn't the the mine, it was probably his but window gets frosty before I can tell. Others have Venetian were "the weaker sex" I chose them as my target. other women. "All that blinds, like the new green ones that shut the ghetto, Five Points, and all of the people that lived My Mom and Dad played out the scenario male guys want is sex." I have heard this one over and over and in such a bitter tone of dominance and cruelty so I felt it was natural for there out of my apartment. To me they were dangerous, drug dealers, helpless faceless victims of me to claim my dominance by^hurting her. someone too hurt to feel sad. I always enjoyed racism, but above all, black, regardless of their color. To them I think i was a big red brick building affection and It has been hard for me to'define these non-sexual craved emotional

it) with forest and vanilla trim. Full of rich white waiting to accumulate enough to behaviors as sexist. After all, I have acted like a intimacy (even though I knew nothing about green people money

in life and acted as so I was able to convince myself that "I wasn't real asshole to different men my buy their houses, and park our S.U.V.'s- in their driveways while we marvel how far our neighborhood if they were not as good as me the same as I have like the other boys." My female friends always has come and how it used to be so "bad". I used to sit on the roof 22 stories up with a pen laser. I that stuff to women. So why not just say that I was a jerk all remarked how was a nice guy and all around? Because it doesn't explain why I've done and in a lot of ways I really was. In other ways, I I'd chase the kids hanging out on the corner with that little red dot. at quali- this to women much more often than to men. I was really good hiding the not so great "Man it was so funny seeing those dealers scatter like that".

I intimacy but I also think some of it comes from my attempts to be ties of myself. Yes wanted funny, huh? masculine. Part of the masculinity I learned wanted to have sex with many women. I stared emphasized that men were better than women and at girls body parts and abused them in my own They thought they were gonna get shot at. But me, well my building had a security door and a were supposed to dominate (abuse) them to display mind. Not that being sexual and having desire : it I is relatively security guard. Shit, was just a joke, but knew I was safe. That window of memory this superiority. The less masculine I felt, the are abusive, but when I turn a girl into a body

clear. But most of the windows in my house of memory I still can't see, they're like the door, so greater the need I felt to prove it. Consequently, I part, it is. acted more cruelly to me mother and sister. Blaming the victim is one of the most devastating I'm not allowed to see them. Feminism challenged what little illusions disgusting and cruel things to me today. Nothing to This paper was really hard for me to write. Mostly because I don't really have access my raped of power and control I had. My position has been angers me more than a woman who was that made that of male white, upper-middle class, raised being interrogated by questions like: "What were memory. I remember one birthday before the age of 20. It's not just the lack of memories have to Christian, able-bodied, seemingly heterosexual, you wearing?" "How much did you I've done in this so hard. I felt like I had to tell all the fucked up, racist, sexist, classist garbage, that reasonably attractive and thin. What I heard from drink?" "Why did you go over to his house

I I dated. Like I first girl ever my life. Like I had to confess that think maybe I sexually assaulted the feminism was that I had a lot of privilege and alone?" They are all questions which attempt to

I also jpntrol. I felt like I was powerless though and relieve the perpetrator of responsibility. I used to had to confess to class, to let y'all know I shouldn't be allowed to carry this feminist badge. feminism was going to take away the little power I think these same questions. It made me uncom- 1 don^-know I really can't figure out why I feel like should be confessing to a class and professor had. I'll address this a little more later. fortable to think that a lot of guys were rapists (I and don't really trust. The guilt part of my resistance to feminism out of 3 women is sexually assaulted in her life is a tough one to talk about. It is in response to and each on has a perpetrator) because it made 36 ' , The Making of A Man My Resistance #0 Sam Pullen Feminism ~* the boy scouts is that it wasjdie first place tha; I I was in the sixth grade, I began When Whine. Whine. Whine. one gets in the way. The thing is, I have changed learned skills that I considered to be femi- learning how to be a man. I had just joined the many Like your life is THAT drastically in the beginning adulthood. I have friend from my church, and the nine. In preparation for overnight campouts we Boy Scouts with a horrible. You should be more respect and empathy for women today, write a menu, shopping for groceries, but troop convinced us that it would be a good experi- had to go grateful you've got it as just like the kitty pooh story; better does not the I also learned ence to spend a week during the summer at Camp and then cook meals ourselves. good as you do. I remem- equate okay. Matigwa. We camped out in rustic army tents, the basics of sewing, because we had to sew badges ber learning about the old Before I go any further, I want to say that started the day with a salute to the American flag, onto our uniforms and mend equipment that was in days when women the I hated men as well. Since we know that we ate meals at the mess hall, learned how to use need of repair. Yet attitude behind these couldn't wear pants, let .there is'no convenient word like misogyny which pocketknives and stan fires, and earned merit activities was not to challenge gender roles and alone vote. Not to equality, to produce men corresponds to men*, I give myself the label that badges at Camp Matigwa. a place which according move toward but rather mention the fact that you get to choose and indepen- whether I was a man hater. The reason I have been a man to its motto is known as the who were self-reliant want stay you to at home or work if you want. I hater is that I had been "Maker of Men". dent, who would be capable of abused by men as a child. (dominating) HAVE to work no matter what. And it's hard In a more abstract way, struggling with My week at Matigwa was providing leadership my work too. I'm the one who is gonna get drafted an intensive training in the domi- in any setting. if masculinity and being judged by other men another war comes, not you. Whose conversation nant norms of masculinity. ES£h ~n My training in masculinity helped me hate the whole lot of them. I'm an

I is this? It's the conversation I had against (not day was filled with activities that continued the next summer when equal opportunity victim though. Women have reinforced a macho, heterosexual went to Philmont Scout Ranch in with) women not too many years ago. Nobody abused by women as a child and an adult. image of manhood. In the shower New Mexico and spent ten days engaged this conversation; I just had it in my It would be accurate to say that the things room of the pool we compared backpacking with an all male crew. head. people did to me led me to feel anger towards penis sizes and made fun of the On the bus trip to Philmont we If someone threw kitty pooh at you every both sexes. However, my resistance to feminism scouts who didn't yet have pubic stopped in Colorado and went on a day as you left your house, you might be slightly and my misogyny can't be explained as a result a hair. Every single one of us had a tour of NORAD Air Force Base, relieved if the person decided to only throw kitty of being hurt by women (men had abused me crush on one of the counselors, highly militarized fortress located pooh at you three days of the week. You would worse). Sejf-centeredness, insecurity, and guilt to be the inside of a mountain, which is because she happened be getting less kitty pooh thrown at you, but it are the starting point of my explanation. in the entire where the president of the United only female counselor doesn't mean that getting pooh thrown on you My Mom was the first victim of my Counselors-In-Training States would be protected in the camp. The three days a week doesn't suck. I guess that's the insecurity. I had a real lack of self worth and I caught a raccoon, doused it with. gasoline, and event of nuclear war. These activities reinforced an part I missed. Just because women's lives are a tried to prove that I was better than someone to laughed as they lit it on fire and wajched it run ideal of manhood that views military service as the bit better today, doesn't mean that there is make myself feel better. The thing is, hurting^ about in flames. In the afternoon, by the man- epitome of patriotism, asserts that married hetero- equality and justice for them. people doesn't really make me feel any better. At made lake, we caught frogs and hacked them apart; sexuality is the only moral relationship, and teaches I guess I would say that I was a misogy- around eight years old I began calling my Mom sometimes to use as bait for fishing and other times men to be leaders in a way that disregards the nist. Writing that in the past tense feels really stupid and treating her as an inferior. I was really just for fun. During rest hour, when we were voices of women and anyone of an inferior rank. good because it implies that I am not one today. cocky and would have arguments with her and supposed to write letters to our parents, we passed At this time I did not question my involve- Maybe I'm a little too biased to assess my my sister with cruelty and stubbornness. I did around the Playboy magazine. My friend smoked ment withrth^e Boy Scouts and by eighth grade I relation to misogyny because my desire not to be some really mean things to them which I didn't pot for the first time one afternoon. The men was the Senior Patrol Leader of my troop. I

fullest I camping, produced by Camp Matigwa are confident, mili- enjoyed to the the time that spent * I just gol really angry at the word misogyny and the lack of a male counterpart. 1 mean, I've heard women say how tant, they all share going on field trips, and doing community service obedient, and common goals: to odd or something it was thai there was no male version, but never really heard much more than that expressed. Misogyny float lust after women and to be leaders in their commu- projects with the other scouts. I had advanced is such a sterile and impotent word compared to its meaning haired of women. It is so streamlined il could iTmost hater, (even without the violence arid aggression in my nity. through the ranks and was well on my way to by wiihoul notice. But man bold font) conjures up images of !s mind. When I hear the word misogynist, I imagine a mostly harmless guy who is somewhat biuer towards women. One of the ironies of my involvement in becomina an Eagle scout, the highest rank in this a coincidence? Who creates the words anyhow? 26 the same issues. I took these lessons into my scouting. abusive homes. I also find. helped my girlfriend focused on men, or own life and took space in learn If it weren't for the influence of two of my challenge homophobia in the Riot Grrri wasn't my life to public schools and friends, the Boy Scouts might have made me into defend a school board clause of challenging .sexism as much as it was focused about my past and the lessons I learned while non-discrimination the dominant norms of on the basis of sexual man who never questioned orientation. I was on making the space for women to build growing up. I also took the space to connect deliber- to close ately masculinity. I was fortunate become using the organizing skills I had learned community and healing relationships. I was with other men around me, through discussion in the friends with a boy who was very committed to Boy Scouts to challenge the sexism, homophobia, deeply inspired by the actions many riot.grrrls groups or just for. hot chocolate,- 1 begarvto social justice and environmental activism. He and violence that is perpetuated by the Boy Scouts were taking in their lives and communities, and make close friendships, and learned how to challenged me to do volunteer work without But by the end of my Junior year I had wanted something similar for me. I wrote a work for healthy relationships. Now, I am recognition rather than just do "good deeds" in completed most of the requirements to be an Easile popular punk magazine where I forever indebted to riot grrrl and feminism for letter in a order to earn awards and a higher rank. He also Scout and was being pressured by my parents, life in very positive as asked the question "if riot grnl is for girls, then changing my ways. And taught me that true leadership was not about taking teachers, and scoutmaster to finish my Eagle struggle with the what is there for boys?" This question lead me I continue to ways I was charge, but about building community and empow- project so that I could be recognized for earning the on a quest to find something that was healing socialized as a man, I have new skills to deal highest rank in Scouting. At this point I faced the for men- something that would help me deal with the challenges in my life and to" take my biggest barrier in my scouting career, and it was not lack of skills, lack of time, or the inability with the isolation and alienation I felt as a boy, struggles day by day. to be a leader— it was my conscience. and the loneliness I felt as a man. I knew that the Boy Scouts had a policy of There was a riot grrrl convention being not awarding Eagle to anyone who was openly gay, planned for Chicago, by a few of the women I and that it wouldn't allow a gay man to be a was living with. Many men, feeling left out scoutmaster. For several months I seriously because the convention was for women only, questioned my own sexuality and spoke with my called our house to ask why. My roommates at friends and mentors about what I should do. I

that I could answer the the time, confident realized that I needed to "come out" about my question for them, gave many of those calls to sexuality, either as straight, bi. or gay. Although I mc. I decided to host a one day discussion and was fairly certain that on a sexual level I was only support group for men who wanted to take part attracted to females, I knew that I was emotionally attracted to of male friends and to in some events during the riot grrrl convention. many my open physical intimacy. I was aware of the tremendous This was my first step in taking my self- ering people who are systematically oppressed. privilege and responsibility I had to choose my awareness process into the community I was a My girlfriend during high school had the identity based on the dictates of my body and my part of. Twenty men came, and it was a suc- most influence on my views about masculinity. conscience. The only thing I was certain of was cess. We talked about sex, violence, love, and She was an outspoken feminist who challenged the that I would not conform to the mainstream told many stories of our lives. I felt connected militant, sexist attitudes that I was exposed to in the standard of heterosexuality. to and for the first time in each of these guys Boy Scouts. She knew personally how such At a conference for queer youth and my life, at age of 20, 1 didn't feel an air of the attitudes led to the oppression of women, because supporters I met a gay man who told me about a competitiveness between me and the men her father began abusing his wife after he returned national group made up of gay Eagle Scouts that around me. from the Vietnam War. Her father's understanding was actively challenging the homophobia within the Through riot grrrl and feminism I of masculinity was so sick that he used violence to the Boy Scouts. He encouraged me to accept began to learn more about the consequences of force his wife and three daughters to cook him Eagle award, but to challenge the institution at the

meals, clean his and satisfy his sexual urges. time. a straight male I would have a lot of sexism and sexual violence. I began to learn house same As

By the time I was in high school I had leverage that could help the Gay Eagles trs they that what I had gone through as a man was shifted most of my involvement with the Boy pursue legal action to challenge the homophobia of very normal in-this society and that many men Scouts into environmental activism and volunteer ' the Boy Scouts. Based on this reasoning I decided around me, in many different communities face work at an emergency shelter for youth from to complete the requirements for Eagle, to write a 34 .

Scouts, and il' ihey aikl to Mate my criticisms of scouting ivfore the found me at 3 statement ch.i i lc:i l; inu the Boy am and dragged me home and weren't scared to express them. In the emo entire irnop. This was the heart of my statement: I cou-ld always turn still award me ;hc Haglc rank. attempted to sober me up. I woke tip on the scene, many of the guys were really repressed at- some time in the future when it in ;ny badge first and with my intense hangover 1 vowed sexually and emotionally. Bands would get up against the Often scouts arexon- wouitf' serve as a critical statement Buy never to touch the stuff again. on stage and have panic attacks as a stage Scouts. fronted with peer pressure that I look a leave of absence from my show. Bands who "lost their shit" the hardest My family was aware of my struggles, and scouting is not cool, is a waste of friends, and from everyone around me. I sal in were the most popular. It was a really un- as liberals they could sec that the Scouts should be lime, or that the uniforms tire room all the time, listened' music my to and healthy way of dealing with all the angst in challenged for their exclusive and prejudiced really geeky. Those types of wrote in my journal. Around the same time I most of our lives. position. However, they did not necessarily agree comments didn't bother me, discovered the straight edge movement. This because [ was having to much fun This phase took me in for a long time. with my insistence on a radical act of defiance. [

hikes outside, building movement was full of people who considered I found a way to repress the agreed to let my family plan the Eagle ceremony if going on loneliness I felt a statement before fires, and sleeping under the stars themselves good because they claimed to not .from fitting in for 1 could have a chance to make not most of my life I found

In the end. to care what anyone else thought. consume anything harmful to their bodies. I the troop before I accepted the award. another— coping my family showed their understanding and progres- However, I was confronted by was looking for something new at the time mecha- planning a ceremony that was. in many of my peers who were sive politics by a because of the new changes in my life. After I the emo- that the Scouts is a many ways, subversive to the espoused ideals of concerned Boy - got over the original withdrawal from the p r o b the Boy Scouts. pre-military institution filled with substances I was taking I started to feel a little was fac- To open the ceremon-yybetore we said the commands and ranks, were more hopeful. I found straight So some edge my 1 i fe Fledge of Allegiance, a lesbian couple who are angered with the Boy Scouts friends and joined their group. again close family friends performed a ritual to invoke treatment homosexual men, and I I thought was doing something c o p i n g the elements of the four directions. My four closest who were aware that women often life I positive. I was turning my around. n i s in an object to have a limited role in the scouting female friends each brought the stage , wasn't a burnout anymore and that was a big representing Fire, Earth, Water, and Air. Then we experience. very step. I didn't see was the new social proceeded through the normal Boy Scout rituals of I am the first to stand up What line for repeating the Scout Oath and Scout Law while for the values and virtues of rules I was taking on. In straight edge, just like the sense lighting candles. At the point where a member of scouting, but I believe that as an in many sub-cultures, there are different social learned the the community was to speak on my leadership institution, Boy Scouts must rules. There are different rules for what it cover up

in activism to be confronted for the role it plays qualities, I asked my mentor speak means to be a man. There are rules though, feelings instead of dealing with them.

(he was the only adult I knew who in fostering hostility and prejudice on my behalf and these rules, like the ones from the I found riot grrrl, and media Through emo , confronted me when I told him I was in the Boy toward people who are homo- are confining. Once again, I tried to fit in, and ultimately feminism. Riot Grrrl was a radical Scouts). He praised me as a co-worker in the sexual, especially gay youth and couldn't. I fought in the mosh pit, tried to learn young women's feminist movement in the struggle for peace, civil rights, and justice and gay men. It is a tragedy that as an the lyrics to everyone's favorite straight edge punk scene that confronted much of the sex- entrusted me with the responsibility of working institution, the Boy Scouts will songs, etc. The people I hung out with were ism, violence, and repression that was so with existing institutions when they do good and not offer its valuable skills and really macho about being drug-free, and prevalent within all facets of punk. Being challenging them when they are wrong. Before I experiences to openly gay youth, condemned others for not living their chosen confronted by many women in my life mim- read my statement, my grandmother, the matriarch and it is also a shame and an act of of our family, read a poem that she had written "irresponsibility on the part of the life-style. icked the care and concern my burnout friends about the Eagle who flies high, has a long range Boy "Scouts to perpetuate a myth Once again, I passed through a new had for me when they forced me to quit drugs. vision, and SCREAMS at what is wrong. that gay men are inclined toward social group with different rules for the same These confrontations made me take a look at

this point I delivered a three page pedophilia and are inevitably a At ways of being. I left straight-edge and found my life and see what I was doing with myself. statement that I had prepared to thank the troop for threat to youth. This simply is not "emo." This new group of people brought I was woken up to the way I had becfTsocial- honoring me with the eagle award, recognize the true, for a statistical breakdown of themselves together in the punk music scene ized as a man in this society, and I was told to many people who helped me withony Eagle sexual offenders in Iowa shows around the fact that we had emotions and look deeply into this socialization to see what c Droject, share some wisdom with younger scouts. that over 9Q /r of child molestation is caused by heterosexual men. committed to making the world a The Boy Scouts must always be better .place. concerned about the safety and

its members, "but It well-being of was. indeed, quite a shock to many of this is not achieved by targeting those present to hear these words coming from my

gay men with lies and bigotry. mouth. I could see many of the Ilurnin other scouts, their Fortunately, the Mid-Iowa Coun- parents, and the adult leadership of the troop cil adheres to a policy of non- squirming in their seats as 1 suggested that openly discrimination on the basis of gay youth and gay scoutmasters should be allowed I've been struggling with my manhood as a in sexual orientation condition the Boy Scouts. At the same time I could sense for as long as [ can remember. Growing up in but nothing worked. So I gave up. as for its affiliation a United Way my friends and family cheering me on as f took a this society in this time for men. can be diffi- Finally. I told myself that I would never organization. However, further stand on my beliefs, with my activist friend and my cult. There, were many pressures I was scorned taken to change the be good enough. I told myself that I was just a steps must be girlfriend present as my proudest supporters.

for not living'up to. I wasn't handsome discriminator}', anti- gay practices later I fuck up. and I dropped out. [ became a burn- A few days got a letter from the enough. I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't cool, of the boy scouts and insure that Chief Scout Executive of the Mid-Iowa Council of out. I used drugs and drank alcohol all the time is a place of calm, or collected enough. I didn't fit in with the Boy Scouts the Boy Scouts of America, who had been present when I was 14, 15, and 16 years old. I lost for all people. It peers, and I thought it respect at the Eagle Ceremony. said that he disagreed most of my male was all many friends and hurt many people because of For those of you who may with the statements I made and that it my fault. X was irrespon- who I was becoming. I didn't act like I really be shocked or offended that I have sible of me to use the Eagle ceremony as pulpit for When I was six or seven years old, 1 cared about anything or anyone. I built up a made such a bold and confrontive my personal beliefs. But thai letter was just a started that I wasn't good enough. to believe I shell around me. statement at my Eagle ceremony, I slight reprisal. As far as I know, I am a still able to was already doubtful of my abilities to per- Then I broke down. I was really burnt just want to say that I would put "Eagle Scout, highest rank in Scouting" on my form- to keep up with my friends, whether it be out on drugs and my life and was increasingly collapse with guilt and shame like resume and gain access to one of the most elite and knowing all the names of the members of our suicidal. While my friend Brad played chicken Schindler did during the Holo- decadent old-boy networks in the world. favorite bands or playing football or soccer. At with a freight train one night, I thought that it caust if I did not stand up for the Almost three years after receiving my such a voung age I believed that I wasn't "man friends, family members, wouldn't be a big deal if I died. I convinced many Eagle award, I _am still grappling with what it enough". I started to hate myself, push myself and role models of mine who are to a blond-haired, blue-eyed Anglo- myself that night that I wasn't worth living but means be

It is in ways I wouldn't recommend for any child, gay. lesbian or bisexual. American male from an upper-class family who was too drunk to do anything about it. I hit an and think about suicide. wrong that so many beautiful, has been b^'owed with about as much privilege as all time low. loving and inspirational people it is possible to have in this world's hierarchy of I lived not only under the pressure of My close friends made a pact without should suffer from the hatred and oppression. I have done everything I can to use my my friends, but the pressures of the media, and me that if I didn't quit the drugs and get my exclusion of a society that is very privilege for good, but I know that it is still not Society along with my family a,nd my family. shit together they would abandon me. They ignorant when it comes to respect- enough. I know that every day I will be confronted controlling. I wasn't given friends were the decided that they couldn't deal with me giving ing the differences of others. with the injustices of the world and in my mirror I space within structures to find these myself and on myself like that, that were up and they So now.- 1 am reaching out will see my role in perpetuating those injustices. It explore my natural emotions or other ways of going to try to do this for me. That was it for to all of you here today who have is my hope to dedicate my life to the struggle for being. I was confined to their expectations, me. I thought that I already fucked up with my been such a tremendous inspira- peace and justice, and in so doing to experience the and therefore. never felt like I could "measure life. I didn't want to lose my friends. tion to me as I have gone trough true greatness of the human spirit. up". the scouting, and I hope For my new years resolution, after I ranks of For a long time, I got down on mvsetf. with all of my heart that you can turned 16, [ decided that I would quit smoking, I tried harder and harder as each year passed to understand that it is not because 1 drinking alcohol and doing all drugs. Decem- live up to the expectations of everyone around am straight that I am deserving as ber 3 I , 199 1 I got so wasted I passed out in a an eagle scout, but because I me. I tried to dress the part, act the part. etc. field on the way to my house. My parent's believe in the Boy Scouts and am "A Vision of New Masculinity" by Cooper Thompson

Boys must learn to accept their vulnerability, learn to express a range of emotions such as fear and sadness, and learn to ask for help and support. Boys must learn to be gentle, nurturing, cooperative and communicative, and in particular, learn non-violent means of resolving conflicts. Boys must learn to accept those attitudes and behaviors which have traditionally been labelled feminine as necessary for full human development-thereby reducing homophobia and misogyny. This is tantamount to teaching boys to love other boys and girls.

From New Men. New Minds ed. Franklin AbbotjL