Announcer: Welcome to the Ideas that Change the World podcast with Rabbi Manis Friedman. ​ ​ For we make sure your life will be changed for the better, one idea at a time. Rabbi Friedman is the number one voice of clarity on moral and social issues. So what are we waiting for, let's go change the world. If you want to support Its Good to Know and the work of Rabbi Manis Friedman, please visit itsgoodtoknow.org/support to join the community. In this episode of Ideas that Change the ​ World, we go back to a lecture Rabbi Friedman gave at Chabad of Clearwater, Florida about love and marriage. Rabbi Friedman: Good evening. So you remember the song, love and marriage? Audience: Go together like a horse and a carriage Rabbi Friedman: You remember. It’s a horrible song with a horrible message. Maybe it worked in the 40's or 50's but it is so misleading. Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage. Well first of all, what an insulting comparison. Who's the horse? And also the rest of the song goes, you can’t have one without the… Audience: Other. Rabbi Friedman: You can’t have a horse without a carriage? And you can’t have a carriage without a horse? You can’t have love without marriage? That means you have to marry everyone you love. Woman 1: Oh my God. Rabbi Friedman: Oh my God is right. Or does it mean you mustn't love anyone you're not married to, which is also bad. So that whole song very, very misleading. In fact, it's probably true that the one ingredient, the one factor that is destroying marriages all over the country is love. It's poison. Stop it. Cut it out. Down with love. Here is how it works really. If you were to ask, is love important? The most important thing in life? The media gives the impression that it is. All you really need is love, another wonderful song. Love will keep us together, another wonderful song. It's so not true. Because in the last 60 years, 70 years, every marriage was based on love. Our marriage is better now than in the days of Tevye and Golda? No. They are much worse, they're flimsy, they're scary. Love is not important. That’s not the right adjective. You can’t describe love as important. Love is appropriate for those who are important. Don’t that make more sense? If someone is important in your life, you should love them. And if you don’t love them, they are still important, maybe you will love them tomorrow. But if somebody is not important in your life and you love them, he is still not important unless we are so arrogant as to believe that when I love you, you become important. My love makes you important. As soon as I stop loving you, you're trash. You are clutter. Woman 1: There is song about it. Rabbi Friedman: What's love got to do with it? So let's understand, what is a relationship? Where does love fit in? What's going on? Wouldn’t it be embarrassing to have to admit that our grandparents had it right? They knew more about intimacy than we do. That’s embarrassing, because here we think we are so sophisticated, they were so backward and so old fashion. As for example, Tevye asks Golda… Audience: Do you love me? Rabbi Friedman: Do you love me? And Golda says… Audience: Do I what? Rabbi Friedman: Do I what? And then she goes through a whole list of things, right? 25 years I have whatever….. Yeah, and then concludes, if that’s not love, what is? It seems like the story is making fun of Golda. She doesn’t know what love is. She's so old-fashioned. She probably married Tevye without even loving him, God forbid. That is not the point of the story. It’s the opposite. The point of the story is that Tevye was a little immature and when he heard that his daughters are getting married out of love, he got a little confused and decided to check it out with his wife. But his wife's answer was so correct, so mature. What she was saying is this, you're asking if I'm giving you my love, if you are getting love from me? Is that your question? You have me. I am yours, I gave myself to you. Does that include love? It includes love, but it's so much more. So if I give myself to you, if that’s not love then what is? A hallmark greeting card? A flower? A poem? I gave you myself, all of me. Here's the key. This is the important secret here. Intimacy means a connection between two people that transcends all things. There are relationships that are created around something. You both like piña colada and walks in the rain. This is ground for marriage. You both like to play tennis, this is grounds for marriage. You both want love, this is grounds for marriage. You see, if you're interested in love, if you want love and you get married, who are you marrying? Your spouse or the love? Or is it a triangle, a love triangle? There is me, there is you and there is love and if the love goes away then I don’t need you. So who am I really married to? Am I married to you or am I married to love? Now love maybe a very lovely thing, but it's not the person. We got one vote for love. Woman 1: Two. Rabbi Friedman: Two votes. So here's the real secret. You see, if you look through the entire Torah, God doesn’t say to the Jewish people, I love you. He says be mine, I will be yours. That’s a relationship. Because it cuts past all things. There are no conditions. It's you, not something about you. You have to be in my life, not something I get from you. So if you asked your grandmother, what goes on in the bedroom? When the door closes, what happens there? And of course, your grandmother said, "Nothing." And you thought she was lying or being evasive. She was telling you the truth. The most profound, the most incredible, the most holy event is when you close the door and there is just the two of you. Nothing holier. So what happens in a bedroom? Nothing. When you have two people who are interested in each other, not in any thing, then you have intimacy. Intimacy means we have put aside all the things that we like about each other, all the things that we share including love but we've gotten past that. So here is how it works. Did you ever hear a mother say to her children, would you ever say to your children, "You know, if you don't love me, you're not the only children in the world. Neighbors children love me and they're cuter than you." No mother would ever say that because a mother does not need love from her children, she needs her children's love. It's different. If you need love, don’t take it from a child, that's immature. If you really need love, go home to your mommy. That's where love comes from, from your mommy. If you want marriage, you have matured past the need for love but you want your spouse's love, why? Not because you're love sick, not because you've been under loved but because it's him or her. My child's love I want because it's my child. I'm not looking for love in the generic, I just want their love, why? Because they are important, not love. I mean, listen to hos dangerous this sounds. If you're looking for love from your husband, and you're not getting love from your husband, you're going to go without love? If love is your thing, the whole marriage is in danger. You know have a big condition to the marriage. Love me or… So even the expression "I love you" not so kosher, not even nice, because it's a simple sentence that only has three words. The first word is "I", the last word is "You". So I am very important, love is very important. Either from you or from somebody else. So I am not negotiable and love is not negotiable. You watch your step because you I can replace. That's terrible. That is not a marriage. Down with love, one vote. So the way it's supposed to be is I need you. The bumper sticker for tonight should be nothing about your husband is more important than your husband. Nothing you get from your wife can be more important than your wife. So where does love come in? Here is the important thing. Love can either cement two people or break them apart. If love is a thing, all things get in the way. Anything gets between two people and it ruins their relationship. When does love actually bond you? When it is not a thing. It's just her or him. Like Golda said, "If that's not love then what it?" This thing called love? If love becomes a thing, it will destroy your marriage.