Thousands Trapped in Jobmine Collapse UW Satellite Campus Counts Down to Profile Takeoff Home Pete Watson Delicious Monkey
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Misprint editor insists it’s actually spelled “editer,” This is called a flag. It indicates articles of particular angrily quits “payper” in protest. interest, but this is Misprint bitches, it’s all gold. ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO MISPRINT Friday, misprintMarch 30, 2007. Friday, March 17, 2007. Nisan 11, 5767. Yawm al-jum`a, Rabi ‘al-Awwal 11, 1428. Jomeh, Farvardin 10, 1386. 12, 19, 14, 3, 7. Thousands trapped in jobmine collapse UW satellite campus counts down to Profile takeoff Home Pete Watson DELICIOUS MONKEY Home > JobMine > Students With the successes of the Kitchener <html><head><!--* ********************************* School of Medicine and the Stratford * Confidentiality Information: liberal arts college, Waterloo plans on Use opening a new school of accountancy * satellite campus, which will be in geosynchronous orbit with the main * You’re unemployed, sucker! campus. * Use President Emma Johnson stated * earlier this week that funds were Students Interviews being allocated via “perfectly legal * Job Short List and sexy” means for this astro- * nomically expensive project. Work Report Evaluations “I mean really, I’m surprised * Rankings other universities haven’t tried this * before,” president Emma remarked Documents during a private interview. “Sure, we have other campuses based in insignificant municipalities, but Help who wants to live in Stratford? I feel myself becoming less sexually Applications virile just thinking about the damn Sign Out place, let alone trying to get some frosh action. I believe the best way to attract the top students in the country is to promise them some zero-G booty.” Job Inquiry Johnson went on to say that “outside of the social context, it only made sense to build an orbiting School of Accountancy. I mean, we will someday trust etak noswad any of the first three levels. I’m not marked. “But the application packages, Guelph offered to send experts to these young individuals with our HOBO IN TRAINING quite sure how they were in use at all. they are a whole different story.” help in the search and rescue opera- hard-earned assets, and most of Although this finding is very strange it Trapped students used their cell tion, but Waterloo refused to accept them haven’t even broken the surly On January 19, students and employ- should make our clean-up operation phones to call friends and fam- their offers. bonds of earth! ers alike were trapped in a massive a bit easier.” ily. One student, obviously upset Following the collapse, an addi- “I doubt the graduates from Jobmine collapse that killed four One student made a similar com- about his trapped friend, remarked: tional nine students were injured in this new school won’t have any students’ job prospects and injured ment: “It was always strange, having “She has 42 apps left, 42! This just a stampede to Needles Hall, the old trouble finding employment with 19 others’. to go up three levels just to find what doesn’t seem fair. Trapping her like site of co-op job postings. Students statements such as ‘studied while The head of the rescue operation I need. I always figured those floors this, it’s inhuman.” Another student chanted “Bring Back the Bins” in being gravity’s plaything’ on their described the situation: “This is a were there for a reason. Maybe after commented on her boyfriend: “He unison while waving printed resumés resumés.” full-blown Jobmine collapse. Wit- the collapse someone will rethink was only inactive in there for 79 above their heads. When asked about the practical- nesses say that all four levels seemed this design.” minutes. If only it had been 80 he University officials tried to calm ity of creating a sustainable envi- to sway and then buckle one after the Rescuers dug frantically through would have been kicked out before students: “Although Jobmine is cur- ronment for human life kilometers other. First the ‘Jobmine’ level, then resumés, cover letters, short-lists, and the collapse.” rently cancelled, we assure you that above sea level, president Emma the ‘Students’ level, then the ‘Use’ transcripts to search for people who Architecture co-op students applications will be available, and even remarked, “Why the fuck not?” level and then finally the top level were trapped in the debris. “Plain re- responded to the collapse with a re- approved, by early next week.” crumbled. Strangely we haven’t found sumes and cover letters aren’t overly sounding cry of “we didn’t do it.” The exact cause of the collapse is See PSYCH, page 4 any reports of people or activity on difficult to move,” one rescuer re- Volunteers from both Laurier and still unknown. 1+1 MISPRENT FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 2007 Crossword Like Scrabble, but without the choking hazard Across 1. Look into my shadow box 8. Start from the left 13. See what entices you 14. Eager to peek? What do you have planned 15. Take a few ganders? 16. Watch out for Pinto! 17. Ani-body in there? 18. Me-sa, I like you! for the summer term? 20. Ohmmmmmmmm 21. Bloody separator’s packed it in again! 24. Take a break, have a sip By None of your business 25. It will be a min. of an hour 26. This saline solution hurts 28. But goes great with aspic 31. As long as you can get past the beaks 32. You damn snooty Rhodes scholar 34. Too good to drink ale 35. Or save a cat from a tree 36. Always spitting in the pepper pot! 41. Hie thee to the hills! 42. Atop yonders peaks ye must go 43. No ifs, ands or buts 44. Damn that Pinto in the mirror! 46. Una momenta! 49. Are you nacre-ed? 50. Shut up and read your Psalter “Trying to figure out why my “Trying to find a woman who 51. Or have sneer 52. But listen to the sermons followers hate queers so much.” isn’t so fucking submissive.” Jesus Christ Batman Down 11. This whole thing needs a rethink 34. Appose. Oppose, simply mis- 1A religious studies 3B criminology 12. Trompes? Damn Frenchies spelled 1. Learn to love Degas 19. SOS baby, right here! 37. Pomps it up 2. That inane painter 22. Amid the burning ship, the boy 38. PINTO!!! Get out of this cross- 3. Pinto placement... again! stood there word 4. Can’t we get rid of him? 23. All made of rice-paper 39. How often must your name be 5. That ace in the hole 27. Looking for a nice leer here? 6. That slippery merman 28. Archons? What fool picks these 40. Always whining about the Tsars 7. He ain’t no asset here words? 45. Or raising everyone’s ire 8. But almost in-separable 29. Shaitan? Is that a mushroom? 47. Marring everything 9. With his damn Tai-Bo 30. With lots of potence 48. Sturdy as an elm 10. And myth of agnosia 33. Game, set, match “Plotting the destruction of all “I’ve always wanted to learn humanity.” how to macrame.” A cute puppy Satan 2B fine arts 3B combinatorics and optimization “Cuba.” “Well you know, I be flippin’ An angry Yeti bitches on the daily.” 4B biology Spongebob Squarepants 2B marine biology Solutions are for people who aren’t quite grown ups “Skull-fucking that fucking “I’m gunna try and spend most Boswer cocksucker.” of my time in Brendan Pinto’s Super Mario face.” 1A computer science Scarlett Johansson’s Tits 4B pre health FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 2007 MISSPRINT 4+8 - 9 The Arts Snob Snaps don’t care and are completely unwilling to change. Just the other day I heard someone on campus utter the phrase, and I quote, “I wish Nickleback would tour with Panic! At The Disco sometime. That would be a wicked show.” Besides the obvious absurdity of the proposed touring pair, I have only this to say in response: My god. How am I supposed to Ever since the beginning of this column, work under these licentious conditions? News Briefs “dear” readers, I’ve had but one mission. I would love for someone to explain to me That seemingly simple objective was to how the University of Waterloo became such enlighten you, the UW student body and a malodorous sink hole of trendy, mainstream open your minds to culture and beauty that media. I see students of this school parading would have otherwise been alien to you - to around in their Kelly Clarkson shirts buying turn you into the ultimate arts snobs. Week “Starry Night” posters from the SLC poster after week I’ve filled the sale without knowing that it was a Van Gogh arts section with arcane or even attempting to language and obscure appreciate his more references for your obscure, but equally benefit. I don’t like to worthy pieces. throw the word “hero” I hear my fel- around, but that’s what low students engag- I am. Nothing short of ing in menial col- herculean. loquy with regards When I started I to frivolous affairs really thought it was in language that the UW declares war on Couple announces going to be easy. How common layperson hard should it really be would find plebian to turn people into arts stupidity breakup via Facebook and clichéd. Christ, snobs? I mean, the aver- would it kill you to Joining the trend of characterizing all ini- age Waterloo student is 2B engineer Lynne Jackson and 2A science throw a French word tiatives as a war, notably the war on drugs halfway there already. student Ron Walker broke up on Thursday into your vocabulary and the war on terror, The university of All you really need is March 22nd, citing irreconcilable differ- from time to time? Waterloo will now be launching its own to direct your snob- ences.