THE WA THE WA VOLUME 3 ISSUE 1

Editor Patrick McGuire

Associate Editor George Pakozdi

Cover Photography Asen Ognyanov

Inside Cover Photo Miguel Van Den Oever

Illustrations Michael Deforge Mallory Diaczun David Owen Morgan (index)

Writing Kevin Chartley John Estabillo Marlon Frisby Pat Maloney Jap Makkar Tim McCready Patrick McGuire Aaron Power James Rathbone Miguel Van Den Oever Maria Valdivieso Cory Woods

Promotions James Rathbone

Layout Patrick McGuire [email protected] WINDEX Toronto public food expands street vending to Australian, Chinese, and Banglideshi sausages. Councillors discussing 11 pm last call to be in effect by this summer. Drunk Driving Competition begins this January on Richmond St. W. Student publication excited to cover Nuit Blanche, not much else. City blog excited to cover American Apparel Hiring, not much else. University of Toronto “Fun Committee” relocates to Montreal. Happy Seven for lease, Kindred Cafe under investigation. Venerable institutions no more-sad days. Cafe Diplomatico suffering from patio withdrawal, below average veal parmasean. The best food in Parkdale is probably 241 Pizza at Lansdowne and Queen. $3! TTC to plate turnstiles in platinum, decrease bus service to Scarborough. City Hall promises to bring number of Toronto rap concerts down from 4 to 1 in 2009 3/10 U of T students have had a hot T.A. Everyone who drinks on Ossington is old. Stop going. 1/3 of Creative Writing students write about flowers, metaphysics, girls who are 6/10. Number of vegetarians writing for The Wa: 1 70% of literary journals are subconsciously attracted to domestic birds. Jack Layton purchases Jack Daniels at Dundas and Spadina LCBO; attempts to run country. George Pakozdi purchases Jack Daniels at Dundas and Spadina LCBO, attempts to run amock. Kenny Vs. Spenny is scripted. Sorry. Charles St. W. condo construction begins at site of french elementary school, sept enfants mort. “Drunk Tobogganing” to be the #1 side-effect of boredom at your parents’ house this winter. Strike allows thousands of York University students to visit Toronto for the first time. 6/10 say subway isn’t so scary. PURPLE DRANK FRANK OVERBY Drank gets a lot of people excited. Maybe it’s because vodka, and liquid codeine. It tasted way too good. most of us don’t hang out in Houston basements, trip- ping on codeine and promethazine, listening to UGK After chilling it on ice and sitting back down to iChat and with the tempo slider all the way to the bottom. Or may- Tha Carter III Chopped and Screwed, the purple drink be it’s just because of Lil’ Wayne’s success. Dude walks started to slow things down. There was a lot of slurred up to courtside seats at a Lakers game, sipping purple speech, blank stares, confusion, and halted urination. Yeah, like it’s Kool Aid, and no one tells him that outside food it’s impossible to pee on sizzurp. The effects lasted close and beverages are banned inside the Staples Center. It’s to four hours, and they accelerated our drunkenness that as big as codeine abuse can get, and it’s getting worse. evening, leaving us with a strange epiphany of a hangover the next morning. Overall, it’s a pretty awesome time, The Innovative Beverage Group has released an “anti- though we’re not recommending you make it or try it ever. energy” drink in the United States called Drank which comes in a purple can and is marketed to slow one’s roll and cause its users to lean. Since this stuff isn’t available or legal in Canada, we got some sent across the border to a Toronto address to see if this stuff actually works. After one failed delivery, we received five cans. Of course, we had to try the real thing first.

A couple of days later, we broke out a few cans of Drank in its American convenience store form. The drink’s sedative qualities come from valerian root and rose hip, two hippie ingredients known to cause drowsiness. The stuff tastes pretty good; grape and lightly carbonated. At first, we laughed off the purported effects of - drowsi ness. We felt fine, and while the drink did taste like a slightly fruity chemistry set, we were certain it wasn’t go- The active ingredients in the real purple drank are ing to slow us down. Well, we drank the stuff around codeine and promethazine. The latter is not available five, and by ten that night, everyone who tried itwas over the counter in Canada as it is an illegal narcotic. passed out in front of The Big Lebowski or in mid-con- Our pharmacist friends would have to do some safe- versation with their girlfriend. We’re not sure that we can cracking to get it for us, and to be honest, we were reccomend it, but if you do find yourself in a conve- too impatient to let that happen. Instead, we broke nience store down south and you need a sleep remedy, down some Tylenol 2s for their precious codeine and might as well get chopped and screwed legally. If you whipped up a mixture of grape Fanta, cough syrup, do go for the real thing, just don’t end up like Pimp C.

4 DEAR CRAIGSLIST PAT MALONEY

So, I really have to ask, are you serious? Hi My main questions would be: I just happen to be needing a a) What is his housing arangement right now? one-legged tone-deaf mon- Does he have his own room/enclosure or a key. (I’ll finally have someone place to sleep and he’s out the rest of the time? to sing to) Ill give it a good b) What kind of bylaw situation applies? home. I have never owned a Would I be able to take him to a vet so he monkey, but I can learn fast. would get proper treatment or would I be Would love a small pet, but ratted out, fined and the animal taken away? I’m allergic to cats and my c) What is his current dietary require- place is too small for a dog. ments? I have a basic idea, but wonder if It’s not a psycho monkey, I hope. any additonal supplements are required. d) Does he need to be diapered? Will shop for bananas e) Has he been exposed to other ani- mals? We have a dog and some birds. f) We also have a baby. Has the monkey been i want in... exposed to children before and socialized? g) Overall health and age of the animal. a little background on me, i adore animals, i was in a car accident a We are interested and would like to pro- couple years ago, broke my neck, vide a home provided that it is reasonable but im fine now, i have a pup, and to properly care for the animal, it won’t to- this sounds like it would add a tally destroy our house. If you don’t think ton to our lives, and seems like he would be suitable, please let us know. it would be something different!

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5 ART REVIEW

Man On Wire Detective Story by Irme Kertesz Rosalinda Silvester George Pakozdi

Man on Wire is the kind of documentary that makes documentaries worth watching in the first Imre Kertesz, author of Fatelessness, channels the place. I mean, if you have to watch someone do- spirit of Humbert Humbert in his newly trans- ing something within the boundaries of reality, it lated short novel Detective Story: the narrator An- might as well be so fucking extroardinary that your tonio Martens is a former police torturer for a inner thigh tingles. Right? Am I alone on this? deposed Latin American regime, in jail await- ing trial, and “writes” the story in an attempt to This doc follows a French man’s mission to string exonerate himself morally, if not legally, by ex- a cable across the twin towers and walk, dance, plaining his investigation of the Salinas family. lie down, and hop over to the other side. That’s all. Unfortunately things like wind, expense, the NYPD, and cowardice interfere along the way, but eventually, things work out alright.

Kertesz gives us a problematic perspective – as in Lolita, a horrific criminal tries to lure us onto his side, though Martens uses the cold rational- One of things you should know about this film is that ity of a police state operative in place of Hum- the producers didn’t have much original footage to bert’s eloquent, perverse prose. As he builds work with. But, instead of relying on interviews and his “case”, the line between criminal and inves- old stock photographs, the film makers re-enacted tigator blurs; it gets harder and harder to resist parts of the story that were spliced in with the narra- the urge to sympathize with Martens and to ig- tion. This means the movie isn’t boring! Even if you nore his charges against Enrique Salinas. As in secretly hate the realism of documentary filmmaking, all his novels, here Kertesz explores the human there’s just enough of a dramatic fictional element to experience of black and white morality, and the keep you thinking what you’re watching is credible. countless swatches of grey that fall in between.

6 ART REVIEW Left 4 Dead- XBOX 360 88 Keys – The Death of Adam Aaron Power James Rathbone

If the software developer Valve means any- Coming off the stellar Adam’s Case Files thing to you, then you know about Half-Life mixtape released this summer, a collect of and Counter-Strike and Half-Life 2 and Team some of underground rap’s current hottest Fortress Classic and all of the amazing pieces philosophizing about love and relationship, of code that have made multiplayer gaming The Death of Adam is rapper/producer 88 fun in the past decade or so. Well, they just Key’s first LP. 88 Keys is best known by put out this game called Left 4 Dead, and if those who have actually heard of him as you take all of that gaming tradition, and mix the producer of tracks by artists like Mos it with zombies, you’ve got an idea of what Def and the Pharcyde. It’s a conceptual this game is like. The game consists of four tale of the love life of a fictional charac- co-operative campaigns, and although you ter named Adam, intended to represent can play them single player (with bots as your the everyman. This translates into a col- teammates) you’ll want to boot up multiplayer with 3 other friends or strangers, the latter be- ing surprisingly fun. It’s essentially fast paced

zombie killing mayhem for an hour and a half (per campaign) all set in the schlocky style of lection of songs about issues like STDs, the zombie survival film genre. Fuck Resident baby-mama drama, and what to do about Evil and its ‘kill two zombies every five min- morning wood. While it has strong mo- utes,’ L4D gives you wave upon wave of zom- ments, the album strangely does not have bies to de-limb, set on fire or blow up. Yes, the the same cohesion as the mixtape. Perhaps weapons are limited and there are only four the problem is that whereas the Adam’s campaigns, but its online co-operative structure Case Files sounded like a rare sincere hip- is innovative. A certain type of nerdy cama- hop lament for romance, this album is too raderie develops with strangers, and you’ll no tongue in cheek towards all of its issues. Be- doubt piss off friends by ignoring their frantic fore this 88 Keys was best known for creat- cries for you to toss them a health pack, but if ing what some consider the best song in hip watching your friend’s virtual avatar get pum- hop ever(!) “Thieves in the Night” by Black meled by a gigantic zombie without doing any- Star, with its serious introspection on what thing to help is wrong, I don’t want to be right. rap means in society. I think that 88 Keys is probably capable of higher art than this.

7 I was a christian rock label intern TIM MCCREADY

February 2000, I was 21 years old and living in Stoney -al and helpful internship I’ve done before or since. Creek ON, finishing up my diploma in Audio En- gineering and Multimedia Production at Recording I drove up to Chicago in mid-May to spend the Arts Canada. I’d spent the past four months intern- next 6 weeks in the Jesus People U.S.A. commune. ing at Sonic Unyon Distribution in Hamilton two Grrr Records was the home to bands like the full days a week, which involved me walking around Blamed, Ballydowse, and the Glenn Kaiser Band. their warehouse picking cd orders for record stores. Scientific and Unwed Sailor both lived in the com- munity but they weren’t on the label. They had Despite my best efforts, job prospects seemed weak. me do publicity, calling the few magazines around I was a born-again Christian and had spent my high the country who’d cover Christian music to see if school years splitting Fridays between youth group they’d write reviews or do interviews, and sent me and going to local punk shows at the Acapulco De- out for a week around Michigan and Indiana as the light, trying to reconcile how tour manager for the I’d been raised with the kind Glenn Kaiser Band. of music and art that made me I spent the rest of feel good. I was a big fan of my time helping out Christian metal, hardcore and at the community’s emo bands like Zao, Stretch in-house T-shirt Armstrong and Further Seems screen printing shop. Forever, so I figured the best way to get the kind of job I I ended my time wanted was to do a string of with Grrr Records internships around the US in at Cornerstone Fes- the Christian Rock industry. tival in southern Illi- nois during the first I applied for three full-time un- week of June. I drove paid internships that I proposed to be two months long up to Minneapolis for a few days, and then spent each. The first was at HM Magazine in Austin TX, then four straight days driving out to Tooth and Nail Grrr Records which is part of a 400 person Christian in Seattle, only taking breaks to sleep in my car. commune in Uptown Chicago and lastly, Tooth and Tooth and Nail was my favorite record company Nail Records in Seattle. I was accepted to all three. at the time. I’d been really influenced by labels like SST, Discord and Epitaph, but I felt Tooth I drove down to Austin in mid-March. The editor and Nail combined a lot of things I was passion- and founder of HM, Doug Van Pelt, threw me right ate about. If you were in a Christian punk or into the mix. I was assigned stories for the next is- hardcore band, it was the label to be on. I actu- sue the first week I was there. They had me write half ally got paid a few bucks to write bios for bands the CD reviews, taught me about ad sales, assigned like the Deadlines and Norma Jean, and at the me six pages to layout, and explained the printing end of the 2 months was offered a job as their process to me. This was by far, the most education- mail order manager, which wouldn’t have been a

8 bad gig since there was 4 full time paid employees A QUICK AND INCOMPREHENSIVE working on their mail order business at the time. GUIDE TO CHRISTIAN ROCK

I was being interviewed for the job of assistant edi- Stretch Arm Strong started in South tor at HM as well, so my hard work looked like it was Carolina. While a lot of the members going to pay off, but I hit a wall when I realized I are outspoken Christians, they’re not re- couldn’t get a work visa. I was a 21-year-old Canadian ally cool with being defined as a Chris- with no degree so I was forced to go back to Windsor. tian band. Think of it as Christian rock without the preaching. Makes you feel good, yknow. The band supports is- sues like their quadriplegic bandmate, sexual violence, and animal rights.

So Further Seems Forever was apparent- ly started by the original singer of Dash- board Confessional. Their lyrics have a bunch of Christian themes in them, I spent the next 2.5 years cramming my 4 year and they’ve been associated with Tooth degree in Visual Arts and Communication stud- & Nail Records. They played at Corner- ies into 5 semesters. Within the first year back in stone, a Christian Rock music festival. Windsor I came to conclusion I didn’t believe in Christianity anymore. I was so bummed I’d spend Ballydowse is from Chicago. They’re all this time, energy and money getting into the a mix of anarchist and religious ideals Christian rock industry, couldn’t use those connec- fused together by members of a com- tions to work in the US, and didn’t have any con- mune called Jesus People U.S.A. They nections in the regular non-religious music industry. were one of the first religious bands to care about stuff like the “economic sanctions on Iraq in the 200s, prison re- form, death penalty, and the short-com- ings of capatalism”. Thanks Wikipedia.

Glenn Kaiser is like 55 and he was part of the Jesus People U.S.A. com- mune as well. He’s known best for the Resurrection Band, which began in the early 70s as a travelling mo- I graduated in August 2003 with my degree in Vi- bile outreach. While their bluesy rock sual Arts and by mid-December found myself sail- sound was considered as “devil’s mu- ing around the Carribbean doing Theatre Produc- sic” by some, it helped transform the tion for Princess Cruises. But that’s another story. shape and sound of Christian Rock.

9 88 Keys interviewed by Patrick McGuire

Long Island producer/rapper 88 Keys has made beats Who do you want to work with next? for Black Star, Beanie Sigel, The Pharcyde, Macy Gray, I definitely wanna get in the studio for Kid Cudi’s proj- and a few others. This year, he put out his first ma- ect. Working with people who I know, like Kanye West, jor solo release called the Death of Adam, as well as a Jay Davie, Bilal... besides my friends, I don’t really care to free mixtape called Adam’s Case Files. DoA is a con- work with anyone else right now. Being a producer and cept album, and you can read our review of it later on working on your own album is way different than be- this issue. I talked to 88 Keys when he came to To- ing a producer every day, slaving over beats, then try- ronto at the end of November upstairs at Cartel on ing to sell those beats. And now with Pro Tools, people Queen St. The guy wears Polo pretty much exclusively. can do a whole album with your beat tape, then say nah we don’t like those. Between Adam’s Case Files and Death of Adam, I feel like you put out two albums this year. Did you ever How did you get involved with GOOD music? consider making it a double disc? Kanye and I, we’re best friends. Literally, since the Nah. With Case Files, I strictly did that for year 2000. He’s actually, I have two the fans, also for my own boredom. I had daughters, he’s their godfather. When so many different release dates for my al- I tell people like, oh yeah he’s my best bum and those release dates changed on friend... it’s like... you still ride the sub- the fault of my own. I didn’t feel it was at ways, you’re supposed to be in a May- the level it should be, or where it wound bach if you’re Kanye’s best friend. up being. The fans were starting to re- volt! I was starting to hear “We want the Is the Death of Adam based on any Death of Adam!” too often. I was getting real life disaster stories? tired of chasing down features, waiting You tell me! Can you relate to the friend for people who are on the album to clear zone? I’m doing the interview now. their schedules, so while I’m waiting, why not just put something together and do Yes. Then there’s morning wood... something for the fans. It did better than I didn’t want to go there, but, I made this people in my camp expected, it did 10,000 downloads album for everybody. I was hoping women don’t take it in a week, and it eventually climbed up to 20,000. as a misogynistic joint, it’s all real life stuff. The way the album was before, the story changed since Kanye’s in- Are you listening to any other mixtapes? volvement, when he hopped on as executive producer. I got Kid Cudi’s mixtape, which I personally feel blew my mixtape out of the water. People haven’t really com- What changed? pared it but I remember I heard excerpts from it when I don’t want to say... for the people that have the we first recorded “Ho Short for Honey” and this was album, most people know how Adam right before mine got released. I was scared, but hon- died, some still haven’t figured it out. estly I’ve never really been big on mixtapes. I tuned out of hip-hop music altogether when I was working on my Maybe I have to listen to it again but it sounded album. In my household, we don’t watch a lot of BET, like an STD MTV damn near doesn’t play any videos anymore. I Wrong! Next! You gotta listen to it again. Alright, here’s don’t think we have MTVu or all those cool channels. a clue for everybody out there. That is not how he died.

10 Nam Le interviewed by Marlon Frisby

Nam Le’s debut story collection The Boat was released Well the thing is… I was on them when I was only a few in 2008 and has seen relative success since then. A months old. Since then I’ve never seen one of those Vietnamese-Australian who attended the Iowa Writ- boats in person. I’ve only seen images and reconstruc- er’s Workshop, Nam recently received the 2008 Dylan tions. So it was very much a process of imagination. Thomas Prize and was named by The National Book Foundation as one of this year’s “5 Under 35”. Nam The protagonists of many of your stories in The battled a cold to talk to our interviewer Marlon about Boat are fairly young and I wondered if you had his stories, his future projects, and the 2008 election. a certain stake in the importance of youth or if you were just particularly interested in the sto- In your story “Love and Honor and Pity…” there’s ries you could tell through these characters. a moment where the Nam Le in the story is ponder- ing “Ethnic Literature” with a friend, and his friend It’s something that I noticed more in retrospect. I think is championing him for not falling in line with it. part of the project were these stories… a story like “Half- But the writer in the story does end up writing a head Bay” is or was to give childrens’ and adolescents’ little about his father and his culture, and so I won- consciousness the full scope and dignity and eloquence der how you view the rise of “Ethnic Literature”. that we usually put reserve for adults. We tend to think of younger voices as being somehow being less subtle I think it’s a complex question. I think it’s one that… the or rich or contradictory and somehow provisional as fact that the need to deal with the question in a bleak compared to adult voices and this is reflected in how we somewhat playful way. Part of it is a question of tax- categorize and market YA or children’s fiction. One of onomy and how we characterize things and whether the things that empowered those character choices was it’s constructive to stick stories in genres like that. The the idea that these voices were incredibly … as compli- character and his friend are talking about in a way that cated as adult voices and also that because they come is not so much to do with the fiction it self or what- from a consciousness which is still developing and in ever that category is if it’s ethnic or immigrant but many ways is much more open to external influences rather the infrastructure that’s been built up around whether familial or cultural or political and so these con- this fiction or narratives and how it’s presented to the sciousnesses of children carry more for me than adults. world. And that’s where these characters are concerned. There’s something very surreal about “Carta- Do you think it says anything about this era’s liter- gena” in that for the first few pages it’s hard to ary tastes that two of the last three Booker Prize believe these characters are children. I found winners have been an Indian woman and an Indi- myself thinking I had misread something or an/Australian man instead of a white British man? I was missing something or they were talk- ing about age in some way that is different. What it does speak to is an opening up of fiction and litera- ture to include narratives that are coming from people and That story is very much one which tries to complicate places that might have been uncommon a few years ago. and explode the notion of societal conceptions of age. This boy has seen and done and had things done to Have you been on or seen any of the boats him which most of us in our entire adult lives could that would’ve been used for the kinds never conceive of. This boy has been pushed to acts of escapes in your story “The Boat” or and reflections about his acts that again explode our did you conjure them in your head? traditional ideas of maturity. The tragic irony is that he is simultaneously not a child and very much a child.

11 BARCELONA and the SEVEN DEADLY SINS MIGUEL VAN DEN OEVER Barcelona is a thriving seaside multicultural city. It is re- PRIDE nowned for its bohemian attitudes, decadent indulgences, Club 13 is a new addition to Barcelona’s club reper- and unrivaled party ethics. This city offers a bit of every- toire. It’s mostly frequented by posh Catalan locals thing, from its gothic quarter presenting a harmonious with upturned noses. This venue sees little tourists so ensemble of medieval architecture and ultra modern bou- make sure you look like you own the place when you tiques, to the posh Eixample district with its wide Passeig walk in. Don’t be put off by the size of the ground de Gracia dotted with Gaudi’s modernist architectural level room, the basement is where you’ll find the gems to the cultural haven of the Montjuïc and Poble masses of beautiful people in their natural habitat. Sec district. If you go, I strongly recommended that you take a few days to do the tourist thing and soak up the GREED entire cultural heritage that Barcelona has to offer. In the If you feel like trying your luck on some gambling check mean time, enjoy the following insider tips and sin away! out Las Quinelas on C/ París 133. This state spon- sored, national level bookie will take bets on countless LUST football matches. You can pretty much The Baghdad Sex Club is infamous for its “interactive” bet on any permutation you can think of. performances. There is a full sex show called “Pornara- ma” where absurdly beautiful girls remove their clothes WRATH to perfectly choreographed rhythms of deep, funky, The urban design of Barcelona has placed it at the top house music, all in an intimate theater-like local venue. of the list for urban skateboarding destinations. Young Before you know it, there is an explosion of whipped skaters flock from all over Europe to take advantage of cream and colourful sex-toy fucking. There are three the endless riding possibilities that Barcelona has to of- two hour shows running back to back every day of the fer. However, a recent ban on skateboarding in public week. The cover is 60 €, but it comes with a free drink. places has taken effect. Nonetheless, this piece of legisla- tion has done little to curb the enjoyment of hundreds SLOTH of skaters. Keep this in mind if you bring your board. The beach at the west end of the Ronda Litoral is a perfect place to GLUTTONY chill-out, as long as the weather Botafumeiro Gran de Gràcia, 81 $$$$ permits. The water temperatures This is by far one of Barcelona’s finest seafood restau- will almost always be a bit on rants. Much of the venue’s magnetism comes from its the cool side especially if you’re impeccable taste and military efficiency. Menu items used the warmth of the Carib- are mostly fresh seafood, fish, crayfish, lobster, clams, bean. Regardless, it pretty do- scallops, mussels, assortments of crustaceans, percebes able in late spring and early fall, (Barnacles) and other delicates. The aged Jamón Serrano the coolness of the water goes very nicely with the in- is incredible. If you are a small party and don’t have a tense summer heat. All beach bars along the Litoral are reservation, it is a good idea to request a seat at the bar. very generic. This is due to the lengthy set of zoning You’ll get quicker service and a good view of the kitchen. bylaws imposed on them. These bars are to be taken advantage of during the daylight hours, seeing as they ENVY have an early closing time. But, you can always just pur- Walk across the Ma- chase beers from the many roaming venders that are rina promenade near all over the shore. These black-market providers are Ramble de Mar and take a to be found in the city’s parks, squares and tourist at- look at the yachts parked here, tractions, supplying you with beer anywhere anytime… they’ll make you jaw drop.

12 SNEAKING INTO LAOS WITH GOOGLE MAPS KEVIN CHARTLEY It is nearing 9pm, according to our digital camer- out after me. I point at the boat rope; he nods his as, and if we’re actually doing this, the time is nigh. understanding. With our hobo sacks still wrapped around our bodies we grab the line and start to We got here, crouched beside the boulders on a sand bar climb up the bank. We know from our Google- along the Mekong River in northern Thailand, thanks to mapping a few days ago in Nong Khai that a road Google Maps. Arriving in Laos during lunchtime has runs some 5km inland from the river. Hit that and turned out to be the biggest mistake of our trip thus bear right, catch a sawngthaew to Vientiane, bribe far. The border guards were on break, so instead of an immigration official, and we’ll be golden again. waiting for them to finish their lunch, we just walked into the country without passport stamps. This turned But a whole new set of problems presents itself as we out to be a problem later on when we stumbled into crest the hill, muddy, soaking wet, and beginning to Thailand, and after a few failed bribes, found out that feel the chill. We seem to be standing in the back of the only way to progress on this Asian adventure was a maize field. A long, low farmhouse is about 600m to get our stamps from the lunching Laotian people. ahead of us, in the direction of the road. The light on Well, the easiest way to do that is to swim back into the the porch comes on and we hear shouting. A small child country via the narrowest point of the Mekong River. and the man of the household come out. Travis and I stop where we are, too far apart to speak to each other, Our belongings are safely stowed in the garbage bags we too scared to move. I slowly raise my head and glance purchased two days back in Ban Muang, and we shiver at the porch. The family members on the porch stop in the fading light in our boxer shorts. A handshake and talking and start listening. I don’t move for some time. a head nod and we’re off. It’s difficult getting into the water with this bulky garbage bag, though. A light across It’s difficult to tell if I can risk a whisper at these distanc- the river keeps bobbing back and forth, meandering up es, but I want to tell Travis that we should make a break and down the river; a local doing some night fishing, I for it. My head snaps back at the sound of the door presume. The current is stronger than expected, but at slamming up on the porch. The guy least the water is warm for February. I swim on my left has something in his hands. A rifle. side, right arm out of the water holding the bag play- I`m freezing cold, muddy and barely clothed, in Laos ing out on the line behind me, which is also wrapped with a garbage bag of stuff and a guy with a gun is around my body for good measure. I would rather not stalking me through the rows of corn. Not good. lose everything I have in the world down the Mekong. It’s at least 2km to the other side and I want to conserve I turn around; Travis is doing a good job of not my energy, but I feel fine as I near what appears to be moving at all, but he doesn’t have a clue that there the halfway point. I try to lift my head to catch sight is now a firearm in play. I do not want to get shot, of my partner in crime but the darkness is too dense. I and especially not when I`m practically naked. don’t want to call out to him and risk the sound carrying. We run from the guy, empty our garbage bags, find the Suddenly I’m clawing my hand into mud. We’ve reached road no problem and end up partying with two awesome the other side already. I stand up, trying to gain my bear- groups of Laotians – a bunch of old women and some ings. We’re downstream of our intended landing point young kids breakdancing to Bryan Adams. We drank a and a steep bank rises ahead of us. Two wooden fish- lot of BeerLao and ended up making it to Vientiane and ing boats sit tied up to my right, their mooring lines bribing our official with about two hundred US dollars. snaking up the muddy embankment. Travis climbs So now we’re temporarily banned from Laos, but safe.

13 RECIPES

Santa’s Favorite Chocolate What-to-bake-if-you-have-no and Coconut Shortbread friends-and-want-something-to- Maria Valdivieso bribe-people-into-hanging-out- with-you-brownies Listen, Santa’s really tired, When the last time you Cory Woods saw Singapore and Nunvaut in the same evening? NEVER. You’re dealing with a man who has. brownies so good. heres recipe: Regularly. Chocolate Chip cookies are overrated and frankly I’d rather eat donkey organs. Also, re- 1/2 cup butter (or margine) melted member that ya boy Santa is a grown-ass man and 1 cup white sugar not a five year old, so leave him a bottle of JD. 2 eggs 2 tspn vanilla Ingredients: 1/2 cup flour 1/2 cup cocoa 200 g margarine 1/2 tspn salt 1/4 tspn baking powder 100 g dark brown sugar 1 bag of mini marshmallows 100 g dehydrated coconut beat all the wet ingredients, stir in dry. 150 g plain whole meal flour bake the brownies at 350 for well, the recipe says 25 minutes but undercooked 50 g of dat cocoa powdah brownies rule so 20 minutes or less would do, then put marshmallows on top ad put 1. Preheat oven to 350 Fahrenheit them back in the oven till they’re all puffy and gooey. 2. Melt margarine in a saucepan. you can really get creative here, depending 3. Remove the pan and add sugar. Stir well. on supplies/how hungry you are. drizzle caramel, chocolate sauce. 4. Spoon mixture into two round 7-inch tins and press down firmly with fork. Do not grease tins. ohh mannnn crumbling a caramilk or reese peanut butter cup on top would be ridicu- 5. Bake for 20-25 minutes, checking at 20-minute lousssss. you’d have to beat the friends off mark. you. change your cellphone number and shit. mmmmmmmm fuck. 6. Remove from the oven. Leave for a few minutes, and then cut into 8 pieces per tin. Leave to cool in tin, then lift from container carefully. This shit’s pat- ented, and if you mess with the recipe it’ll taste like ass, so follow closely snitches. Happy Holidays.

14 POEMS the guy from my sestina gets hit by a car Patrick McGuire can’t never get a kickflip right why did i think i could keep Disaster Planning these new dunks clean? George Pakozdi sliding ten feet on my knees She says she’s just being ‘precautious’, over the warts of august asphalt, buying gold stocks and waiting for the collapse blood shrieking in the sunlight of the global economy. But the late-night cell on the sand coloured fender of a lexus. phone calls ranting about the imminence she gets out, checks my health, of peak oil and the electronic waste choking landfills imagines a neon green line making point to a deeper pattern of paranoia. mountains with my pulse. And since we’re already wearing SARS masks brunette waterfall pouring out from in public and boiling our water the back of her head. filled with that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad condition where she stares at strangers to buy a generator and some canned fruit directly. her eyes are bluer than and curl up in a bunker with her, to crawl cookie monster at a funeral. down that oubliette and forget the disasters

we both irrationally fear, the hurricanes and mud- Assertoric slides John Estabillo we’re certain will converge on southern Ontario, the inexorable slide of the planet Superior says nothing, into a swollen and hemorrhaging sun. but asserts itself. It is a blank, unfinished countenance, We’ll insulate ourselves from the ghastliest a palm opened in unknown gesture. of potentialities, read back through stacks A lake that knows it is ocean. of old newspapers and National Geographics Surely it will outlive to stall and rewind the slow decay of time, tree, rock, height of land and unseen beast to see the red apocalyptic sun and endlessly relive the primordial years, set and clot. probing the hot, wet earth with our hands The sun crushed out and revelation over, while the purplish storm-clouds swell and contort, Superior will sit, seething with nervous energy. saltless and bloodless, still mutely repeating.

15 Sparky Sez! Michael Deforge

Blackfly Jap Makkar

She lay spread out over the mud, hands sinking in the water, and she watched it looking back at her. The raft spider, with legs that looked like strings in this light, body taught and perfect, was looking back at her, and it was weightless on the water.

Her hair was blown out over her, black like a rainfall. And the thought came that she could not be perfect: her body, bell-shaped and heavy, could not rest on the water. She remembered being washed in the morning and she felt ashamed. She had thought, when she looked down, that her body was the meat parts she saw at the butcher shop, hung, gathered on a spine.

How odd that this spider was unclean with no mother to clean it. And now that she had lain in the mud, would she need to be cleaned again? Her mother was the one that wore white linen dresses that smelled like cedar. “Ce- dar for the moths, cedar for the smell.” She would not be let into the house until she was clean again. Her grand- mother, who carried death on her face like a mask, would not care. Mother said grandmother was blind like a bull and just as dumb. But grandmother was the one that had led her to the swamp. They had walked the thirty-min- ute way. She had thought grandmother could see then.

16 Things to do in Denver When You’re Not Dead Marlon Frisby

1 You can try to avoid the fact that the only reason you got the internship is because your uncle is the editor of the paper. Mixed results on that one. 2 You can get woken up in the middle of the night by your landlady. Her husband will have left to spend the night in a hotel. She’ll ask you, Do you know if Christopher has been sleeping with other women? You’ll say, No, he isn’t. He won’t have. As far as you know. She’ll insist, It’s OK! You can tell me! 3 You can have a dream where the Indonesian girl from your fiction writing class approaches you, naked, with bulging blue veins, and informs you she has cancer. You can tell her about it when you wake up. You’ll omit the part about her being naked. 4 You can flirt with the Walgreens girl every Saturday morning. She’ll teach you how to treat altitude headaches and nosebleeds. You’ll tell her you’re from New York--you’re not from New York. Contemplate asking for her number. Decide against it. The last time you see her she’ll remark, It must be yellow collar shirt day, indicating the shirts you both wear. Until that moment it won’t have occurred to you what either of you were wearing. 5 You can get drunk with Ric Baca and Joe Murphy at a backyard barbeque. The three of you will invent an athletic activity that requires you to have a drink in your off hand at all times. Your leg will cramp up after an hour and a half of this game. 6 You can turn one night of drinking into a two week charlie horse. 7 You can ride the train to work and a CSU student will sit on your hand. She won’t move. You won’t move. She’ll rock back and forth. You’ll feel the skin of her lower back against your wrist. She’ll get off at her stop and never look back. She’ll never see your face. 8 You can ride the train to work and on the same ride as the CSU student who sits on your hand three 17 year olds sit across from you and giggle at everything. They’ll nudge you, apologize, and giggle. They’ll make eye contact with you, look away, and giggle. You’ll consider speaking, but you won’t. You’ll wish she didn’t look so young. 9 You can go to Chipotle so much the women behind the counter predict your orders. 10 You can practice soccer every night in a suburban basketball court. You’ll dribble around your cellphone and your water bottle. You’ll send blazing shots into the fence. 11 You can walk past the art museum every day and never go in. 12 You can stay in the office until 10 p.m. on Monday nights. Finished with work. Waiting for your ride to get out of city hall. You’ll look out the window and ponder the capitol building. Look down at the bus station and see a white man chasing a black man. Look at the mountains and think, I’ll never go there. And you won’t.

17 Colouring Book Softcore “Rein Dears” by Mallory Diaczun