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Vol. CCLIII, Live Free! or Die No. 18 The New Hampshire Gazette First Class U.S. Postage Paid June 5, The Nation’s Oldest Newspaper™ • Editor: Steven Fowle • Founded 1756 by Daniel Fowle Portsmouth, N.H., Permit No. 75 2009 PO Box 756, Portsmouth, NH 03802 • [email protected] • www.nhgazette.com Address Service Requested The Fortnightly Rant Worst Veep? Maybe Not As the nation observes the auditioning for Worst Vice Pres- 200th anniversary of the birth ident in American history. of Abraham Lincoln, our first While Cheney is clearly Republican president, the most among the strongest contenders, prominent representatives of his the competition is tougher than Grand Old Party are Michael one might think. Steele, the party’s chairman; In the firearms competition, Rush Limbaugh, a radio talk for example, Cheney comes out show host; and Richard “Still a poor second to Aaron Burr. Dick” Cheney, formerly the Vice While both men shot others, President, now a private citizen. Cheney merely winged his vic- Steele and Limbaugh both have tim accidentally, while somewhat ample talents for attracting pub- impaired due to liquid refresh- lic attention. Lately, though, Mr. ment. Burr, on the other hand, Cheney has been reaping the after Hamilton intentionally lion’s share of the headlines.* fired high, took deliberate aim This is odd for several reasons: with his dueling pistol and mor- his official duties ended nearly tally wounded Alexander Hamil- five months ago, his most popu- ton. That’s cold. lar official act was leaving of- Speaking of inebriation, was a kind of anti-Cheney. Ap- Greenhow, a Confederate spy, equivalent of a mass murderer fice, and much of his tenure was Cheney may have had a bit of a palled by the level of drunkeness may have given Gen. Pierre going down in history for speed- spent — like that of his bête noire buzz on when he shot his friend in the Senate, he changed the Beauregard the edge at the Battle ing tickets. Saddam Hussein — hiding in a Harry Whittington in the face, rules to prohibit the sale of liquor of Bull Run. The incident makes During the 1968 presiden- hole in the ground. but Daniel D. Tompkins, James in its restaurant. After losing the Cheney’s outing of Valerie Plame tial campaign, Richard Nixon’s Mr. Cheney has devoted most Monroe’s Vice President, was nomination for a second term, seem a minor faux pas. campaign pulled strings with the of his adult life to what he insists known to preside over the Sen- Hamlin reported for duty at Fort One of “Still Dick” Cheney’s South Vietnamese government on calling “public service.” His ate while thoroughly drunk. No McLary, in Kittery, fulfilling his chief rivals for the title of Worst to block peace talks in Paris. A alleged service began in 1969, contest. obligation as a private in the Vice President has to be John C. peace agreement might have put during the height of the Vietnam South Carolina’s John C. Cal- Maine Coast Guard by pulling Breckenridge. Another Kentuck- Hubert Humphrey in the White War — though not, of course, in houn (1825 — 1832) can actu- KP and guard duty from July to ian, he served under James Buch- House. Nixon’s ploy worked. Vietnam. At that time, he had ally give Cheney a run for his September of 1864. anan from March of 1857 until About half of America’s 58,159 “other priorities.” money in one of his strongest Andrew Johnson, who later March of 1861, when he began casualties in Vietnam occurred For the last eight years, Cheney categories: sheer moral repug- went on to become a bad presi- representing the Bluegrass State during his watch. That’s a hel- ran the office Finley Peter Dunne nance. Calhoun’s staunch defense dent, had an even worse start in the U.S. Senate. Later that lacious amount of blood to try once described as “not a crime of slavery, both as Vice President as Vice President. According to year, he became one of fourteen to wash off your hands. “Only” exactly … but … kind of a dis- and later in the Senate, can best most accounts, he was thorough- Senators expelled for supporting 4,308 Americans have died in grace … like writing anonymous be summed up by the title of a ly drunk when he took the oath. the Rebellion. Iraq — but of course Cheney’s letters,” in a way that made Tony speech he delivered: “Slavery a Not even Cheney’s harshest crit- He promptly committed trea- war is not over yet. Soprano’s operation look quaint. Positive Good.” ics would accuse him of that. son, becoming a Major General Now that we’ve been relieved of “Still Dick” Cheney has care- Schuyler Colfax, who served in the Confederate Army, lead- his governance, one might have fully nurtured a haughty disdain in the notoriously crooked Grant ing rebels in battle from Shiloh hoped — or fervently wished, for public opinion, but compared administration, may be Cheney’s in early 1862 to Saltville, late in or feverishly prayed — that he to Richard Mentor Johnson, strongest competitor when it 1864. Early in 1865 he became would retreat to some obscure Vice President under Martin comes to good old-fashioned the Confederacy’s fifth and final burrow in Wyoming, shut his Van Buren, he’s a rank amateur. graft and corruption. Colfax lost Secretary of War. On Decem- droning pie-hole, and leave the At his old Kentucky home, John- his office for accepting shares of ber 7, 1863, The New York Times world in peace. Instead, he con- son lived openly with his com- stock in railroads which had re- published a premature obitu- Chez Cheney tinues to force toxic advice on his mon law wife Julia Chinn, an ceived public money from Con- ary of Breckenridge, saying, “of victims. octoroon slave he inherited from gress. His role in the Crédit Mo- all the accursed traitors of the Like many another crank be- Perhaps we’re just suffering a his father. bilier scandal pales, though, next land there has been none more fore him, Cheney is “writing out relapse of the Cheney Derange- Millard Fillmore, on the other to Cheney’s Halliburton. heinously false than he — none his thoughts longhand in an of- ment Syndrome, but when the hand, presents no challenge to Colfax’s replacement was whose memory will live in darker fice above his garage,” according former Vice President launched Cheney at all. On April 17, 1850, Henry Wilson, a Farmington, ignominy.” to the May 22 New York Times. his attack on Barack Obama’s as Fillmore was presiding over New Hampshire, native. Wilson, The editors of the Times, of “A person familiar with discus- Guantanamo policies from be- the Senate, Henry Foote (D-MI) it was later revealed, had also ac- course, had no way of knowing sions Mr. Cheney has had with hind a podium at the American pulled a pistol on Thomas Hart cepted some railroad shares, but that one day Richard Milhous publishers said he was seeking Enterprise Institute on May 21, Benton (D-MO). Fillmore in- a Congressional investigation Nixon would lurch from the more than $2 million for his ad- we thought for a moment he was terceded, and had Foote’s pistol managed to clear him of wrong- Vice Presidency into the Oval vance.” Estimates of Cheney’s * The former President, meanwhile, was last locked in a drawer — clearly a doing. The stock kerfuffle was Office. Richard Nixon will be worth range from $60 to $100 heard from telling schoolchildren in Artesia, Democrat in Whig’s clothing. minor, though, compared to the forever associated in the public million. He can’t be doing it for New Mexico (population 10,692) that he’s content to be picking up that which his dog Abraham Lincoln’s first Vice possibility that Wilson’s close mind with the Watergate break- the money. Barney drops on his neighbor’s lawn. President, Hannibal Hamlin, friendship with Rose O’Neal in and cover-up. That’s the moral It must be for the infamy. News Briefs: ately honor the circumstances work has appeared here before, final analysis, the best way to re- — whether they be honorable has been elected President of member both is to abolish this Memorial Day, 2009 or not — which demanded their Veterans for Peace. In honor of scourge of humanity.” Lest We Disremember program honoring those among sacrifice. Memorial Day, we pass along Veterans for Peace National It is an American traditional to our war dead who have already One need not delve into the these thoughts from him: Executive Director Michael T. set aside one day out of 365 — been recognized with the Medal distant past to find a time when “Veterans for Peace is here to McPhearson adds, “As veterans or a part of it — to acknowledge of Honor. And it was altogether our national leaders traded on the tell the nation that the number this day holds special meaning our debt to those whose lives fitting and proper that they did. reverence we rightly feel for those of innocent civilians who die in for us. Many of our members were taken so that we could go We have come to wonder, who would give their lives for us, war far outnumbers the combat- have seen their buddies die in on being who we are. though, whether heaping more only to use it against us, stifling ants. It would be immoral to only battle and we all know that only This year, on the eve of Memo- honor on those already con- widespread dissent against a war remember those who fought and rial Day, the only public televi- spicuously honored might not that need not have been fought.