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The Cord Weekly (April 5, 1990)

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The Cord Weekly (April 5, 1990) YOUR Few Kids SUN/ Fever infects USES [| Campus RECYCLED \ THELAURIER SUN HEWSPRINT page 17 VOL. 30 N0.26 April paid circulation 5,000 APRIL 35 CENTS off Laurier THURSDAY, 5,1990 (Higher campus) 36 PAGES CABINET SHUFFLE Chancellor Ballard ousts Weir & Co. Page 4 NEEDLE AUERBACH HODGES FISHER Bill Needle and Al Auerbach Traffic Mess!!! Bruce Hodges and Jim Fisher new John Weir and Don replace Baker V-P's of Finance & Student Affairs as President and V-P Academic as Berczi and Wilgar ousted fA multi-car pileup at umver- sity and Hazel caused quite a stir last week. Upon viewing the crash site, university officials discovered a new formula for sol- ving the WLUparkingproblem. Here, eager drivers test out the new system, which will increase parking by about 300 spots. Laurier Sex Scandal Many people on campus have had sex 2 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 A hard day's pukefestival The photos of the crime scene were brutal. "It is like nothing. Nada. Do you want some mother's Shocking. Nothing any son would HANK gum?" want to see before gulping down a bowl of "Gum?" Wheeties and rushing off to another day of rat HEMINGWAY "Gum. Wait a minute -- is the writer imitat- racing. ing Papa, or did he overdose on some Harold There was no doubt about it. Pinter plays?" The man known as the Puking Guy had "I don't know. Kiss me." struck "Call Ishmael. again. me And I only am escaped An odour in the air. Thick. It Someone The she alone tell hung Stifling. was responsible. luck, to thee. The ship came back on her had for smelled like death. Or maybe bile-soaked run out sure for these bank tellers, as if melancholy search the next morning, but, look- McDonalds food. Or both. the wild bull of death had run them down in for maybe It was truly ing her lost children, all she found was an- the streets of a moveable feast. It had moved. People had Pampaloma. other orphan." The wind that You the died because of that moving. It made me want was blowing nicely day, get picture. The bank tellers were when the old had set his dead. The stench to run over the hills and into the valleys. It man out on fishing hung in the air. It was made me think of the banktellers' husbands. trip. She looked like the kind of girl a man afternoon. There was death. The sun had risen. could with for Also. They would be men without women now. sleep a long time, if only she had teeth, and if And had It was the Bank of Montreal at 666 Dundas some only a guy hadn't got something pulled their arms off. Clean and Street West where it happened again. Brutal. his balls shot off in the war. off, stolen them too. The two tellers' she Shocking. Two bank tellers dead. Murdered. They asked me what it was like to kill a luck, was bad. They never had a chance to The bank was three stories high. In our time, I man. say goodbye to their legs. Much less arms. have seen few things so shocking. Even what I "What is it like?" It is good to have skill, but better to have wrote about in fifth luck. my column, about the bank "What?" -- I sad. and the first 49 stories even that was not this. "To kill a man. What is it like?" was TODAY'S SUN Index: Comics 31 Sunrise 3 You Said Tomato 12 It 31 So sue us! ..32 Money 14 Wrestling By COTTON MATHER Ethics 15 Laurier Sun Ent 17 Columnists: A lawsuit has been launched against the Sun by the Laurier Per- Sunset 19 Hemingway.2 sonship of Decent Conduct. used in a Sports 24 Salinger 9 "Golly, we can't believe the awful language you people curls I LPDC Classifieds 28 Lumpy 11 recent issue! It just my toes when think about it!" said Homes 29 Eveready...l3 organizer Penny Priddy. DIDDLE, Biodex 30 Dr. Pilf 13 The words the LPDC were objecting to included Weather ....30 Crispy 23 POOP and PEEPEE. In case you missed those words, they were three. Crossword 31 Kitty 23 DIDDLE, POOP and PEEPEE and various derivations of the The LPDC didn't object to terms such as MOTHERLOVER, CORKSOAKER or LIBERAL HUMANIST because none of those terms were used in the issue in question. The Big Picture The LPDC also objected to the "ridiculous" use of words longer than three syllables "a whole lotta times" in the issue in question. decent that can read Wrestlers: Page 32 "Look, we just want a God-fearing paper we without tiring our lips and fingers out too much," said Priddy. tell the Sun catamites and "You can these people putting out are adulterers and morally incorrect scumbags from the deepest regions of hell." Residence: Everyone with the last in- Laureate concluded. "The is my friend," Priddy X the winners! itial Q and are big And WLU President John Weir agrees. radical ideas, "I agree -- university is no place for bad language, who think, people of intelligence, people who can write, people can blue people with bad teeth, people who don't have blond hair and rabbit, little eyes, comic strips with gratuitous violence, the Everready with bad long slow 'in teeny weeny pale virginal British people posture, to listen on f| back, Pete wet kisses that last three days, the small of a woman's someone else's 1 worse Townsend impersonations, underarm deodorants that smell Satan or than sweat, people who write letters pretending to be God or which a rib trucks that run over people with an ironic grace suggests it." higher power without ever actually proving "And where the hell is Cuba?" Weir added. Student Publications head honcho Woody Hand doesn't agree, though-. noted. "Cuba is 97 miles from the continental United States," he T°DAY ,o^^ On the topic of the Sun he was equally adamant. c tagto It in- like it here at the Sun. sr THE ANNUAL CANADIAN WRITERS' hockey "Swearing is good. Very good. We up Sn |&if mess — don't I the dicates fertile minds at work. And like the bird says High 4C/39F I7"T game was a smashing success over with we'll really mess with us. Because when you mess around us, Low 2C/36F weekend. Here, Northrop Frye checks Robertson 33 messing-around messing-around Full weather details: Page you around, you messing-around team 7-2. Davies into the boards. Frye's won m'sieur? messers of the around sort. Get the messing around picture, The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 3 THE THREE LAUGHING PILL dispensers visited Laurier last week as part of International Pet Birth Control Week, which just got underway. The box o' pills they're holding in the picture are part of a bold new push for contraceptives into the animal "It's brutal kingdom. a thing to spay or castrate your cat or dog ~ why not just put them on the Pill instead?" said IPBCW spokes- man Bob Barker. The box o' pills here is in- tended for use by female elephants. "But if the male elephant wants to be responsible, it's a lot easier - Glad Garbage Bags are really handy," Barker added. The push for pet birth control will receive widespread attention when R.E.M.'s Michael Stipe and the Indigo Girls release their "I'll single give you my Genitals" this week. De nada By D. CID KANT Laurier Sun After much speculation, it was revealed that a decision is now pending on the goveraent policy on vacillating. date the The governent spokesperson did not give a confirmed on announcement of the final decision, stating that the policy has not allow for such been in place to a decision. The announcement is not expected to change the functioning of government to a great degree, though. The citizen coalition that pressed for the decision was not present for the announcement. that had When asked why, a representative said the committee met to elect a representative, but the elected candidate chose not to at- tend. The committee has not decided on an appropriate repremand for the individual, but has said that this situation is not new. Zzzzzzz STEVE GARVEY'S SUNrise Babe JOYOUS JANET, 85 an Amazonian jungle beauty whose finer talents include secretly signalling the third base coach and avoiding that "embarrassing itch". 4 TheLaurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 Rockin' the free world! with those damned and By FRENCHY FUCQUA for the invasion of WLU, named Operation Just gold pens accounting books. And maniacs - Wacky Verbose Business Correspondent Cause II: Lie Harder. "Well, this invasion thing, they're they'll follow that United States it's fuckin' armed forces are on the nove to stay the at Sphincter anywhere ... hell, man!". necessary course ... steady ... prudent, In The so-called "Biz-Knob again. a surprise dawn attack, American this juncture baaad!". Brigades", entrenched ... Sphincter took Laurier's Peters in in the Peters remain defiant. paratroopers Building. Their Fighting the narrow corridors of the Peter's Building, "They'll of objective: to capture the infamous "the Fish" was never get us out here", one. if Jimmy Building fierce, with heavy casualties on both says "Hell, even wanted Sphincter. One we to leave, we couldn't find our sides. American soldier shouted "Man, I was in way out." At a press conference, President International reactions vary.
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