YOUR Few Kids

SUN/ Fever infects USES [| Campus RECYCLED \ THELAURIER SUN HEWSPRINT page 17

VOL. 30 N0.26 April paid circulation 5,000 APRIL 35 CENTS off Laurier THURSDAY, 5,1990 (Higher campus) 36 PAGES CABINET SHUFFLE

Chancellor Ballard

ousts Weir & Co.

Page 4

NEEDLE AUERBACH HODGES FISHER

Bill Needle and Al Auerbach Traffic Mess!!! Bruce Hodges and Jim Fisher new John Weir and Don replace Baker V-P's of Finance & Student Affairs as President and V-P Academic as Berczi and Wilgar ousted

fA multi-car pileup at umver-

sity and Hazel caused quite a stir last week.

Upon viewing the crash site, university

officials discovered a new formula for sol-

ving the WLUparkingproblem. Here, eager

drivers test out the new system, which will

increase parking by about 300 spots.

Laurier Sex Scandal

Many people

on campus

have had

sex 2 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990

A hard day's pukefestival

The photos of the crime scene were brutal. "It is like nothing. Nada. Do you want some

mother's Shocking. Nothing any son would HANK gum?"

want to see before gulping down a bowl of "Gum?"

Wheeties and rushing off to another day of rat HEMINGWAY "Gum. Wait a minute -- is the writer imitat-

racing. ing Papa, or did he overdose on some Harold There was no doubt about it. Pinter plays?"

The man known as the Puking Guy had "I don't know. Kiss me."

struck "Call Ishmael. again. me And I only am escaped An odour in the air. Thick. It Someone The she alone tell hung Stifling. was responsible. luck, to thee. The ship came back on her had for smelled like death. Or maybe bile-soaked run out sure for these bank tellers, as if melancholy search the next morning, but, look-

McDonalds food. Or both. the wild bull of death had run them down in for maybe It was truly ing her lost children, all she found was an- the streets of a moveable feast. It had moved. People had Pampaloma. other orphan."

The wind that You the died because of that moving. It made me want was blowing nicely day, get picture. The bank tellers were

when the old had set his dead. The stench to run over the hills and into the valleys. It man out on fishing hung in the air. It was

made me think of the banktellers' husbands. trip. She looked like the kind of girl a man afternoon. There was death. The sun had risen.

could with for Also. They would be men without women now. sleep a long time, if only she had teeth, and if And had It was the Bank of Montreal at 666 Dundas some only a guy hadn't got something pulled their arms off. Clean and Street West where it happened again. Brutal. his balls shot off in the war. off, stolen them too. The two tellers' she Shocking. Two bank tellers dead. Murdered. They asked me what it was like to kill a luck, was bad. They never had a chance to

The bank was three stories high. In our time, I man. say goodbye to their legs. Much less arms.

have seen few things so shocking. Even what I "What is it like?" It is good to have skill, but better to have

wrote about in fifth luck. my column, about the bank "What?"

-- I sad. and the first 49 stories even that was not this. "To kill a man. What is it like?" was

TODAY'S SUN

Index:

Comics 31 Sunrise 3 You Said Tomato 12 It 31 So sue us!

..32 Money 14 Wrestling By COTTON MATHER

Ethics 15 Laurier Sun

Ent 17 Columnists: A lawsuit has been launched against the Sun by the Laurier Per-

Sunset 19 Hemingway.2 sonship of Decent Conduct.

used in a Sports 24 Salinger 9 "Golly, we can't believe the awful language you people curls I LPDC Classifieds 28 Lumpy 11 recent issue! It just my toes when think about it!" said Homes 29 Eveready...l3 organizer Penny Priddy. DIDDLE, Biodex 30 Dr. Pilf 13 The words the LPDC were objecting to included

Weather ....30 Crispy 23 POOP and PEEPEE. In case you missed those words, they were three. Crossword 31 Kitty 23 DIDDLE, POOP and PEEPEE and various derivations of the

The LPDC didn't object to terms such as MOTHERLOVER,

CORKSOAKER or LIBERAL HUMANIST because none of those

terms were used in the issue in question. The Big Picture The LPDC also objected to the "ridiculous" use of words longer than three syllables "a whole lotta times" in the issue in question.

decent that can read Wrestlers: Page 32 "Look, we just want a God-fearing paper we without tiring our lips and fingers out too much," said Priddy. tell the Sun catamites and "You can these people putting out are

adulterers and morally incorrect scumbags from the deepest regions

of hell." Residence: Everyone with the last in- Laureate concluded. "The is my friend," Priddy X the winners! itial Q and are big And WLU President John Weir agrees. radical ideas, "I agree -- university is no place for bad language, who think, people of intelligence, people who can write, people can blue people with bad teeth, people who don't have blond hair and rabbit, little eyes, comic strips with gratuitous violence, the Everready with bad long slow 'in teeny weeny pale virginal British people posture, to listen on f| back, Pete wet kisses that last three days, the small of a woman's someone else's 1 worse Townsend impersonations, underarm deodorants that smell

Satan or than sweat, people who write letters pretending to be God or which a rib trucks that run over people with an ironic grace suggests it." higher power without ever actually proving

"And where the hell is Cuba?" Weir added.

Student Publications head honcho Woody Hand doesn't agree,

though-. noted. "Cuba is 97 miles from the continental United States," he T°DAY ,o^^ On the topic of the Sun he was equally adamant. c tagto It in- like it here at the Sun. sr THE ANNUAL CANADIAN WRITERS' hockey "Swearing is good. Very good. We up Sn |&if mess — don't I the dicates fertile minds at work. And like the bird says High 4C/39F I7"T game was a smashing success over with we'll really mess with us. Because when you mess around us, Low 2C/36F weekend. Here, Northrop Frye checks Robertson 33 messing-around messing-around Full weather details: Page you around, you messing-around team 7-2. Davies into the boards. Frye's won m'sieur? messers of the around sort. Get the messing around picture, The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 3

THE THREE LAUGHING PILL dispensers visited Laurier last week as part of International

Pet Birth Control Week, which just got underway.

The box o' pills they're holding in the picture are part of a bold new push for contraceptives into the animal "It's brutal kingdom. a thing to spay or castrate your cat or dog ~ why not just put them on the Pill instead?" said IPBCW spokes- man Bob Barker. The box o' pills here is in- tended for use by female elephants. "But if the male elephant wants to be responsible, it's a lot easier - Glad Garbage Bags are really handy," Barker added. The push for pet birth control will receive widespread attention when R.E.M.'s

Michael Stipe and the Indigo Girls release their "I'll single give you my Genitals" this week.

De nada

By D. CID KANT

Laurier Sun

After much speculation, it was revealed that a decision is now pending on the goveraent policy on vacillating. date the The governent spokesperson did not give a confirmed on announcement of the final decision, stating that the policy has not

allow for such been in place to a decision.

The announcement is not expected to change the functioning of government to a great degree, though. The citizen coalition that pressed for the decision was not present for the announcement. that had When asked why, a representative said the committee met to elect a representative, but the elected candidate chose not to at- tend. The committee has not decided on an appropriate repremand for the individual, but has said that this situation is not new.

Zzzzzzz

STEVE GARVEY'S

SUNrise Babe

JOYOUS JANET, 85 an Amazonian jungle beauty whose finer talents include secretly signalling the third base coach and avoiding that "embarrassing itch". 4 TheLaurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990

Rockin' the free world!

with those damned and By FRENCHY FUCQUA for the invasion of WLU, named Operation Just gold pens accounting

books. And maniacs - Wacky Verbose Business Correspondent Cause II: Lie Harder. "Well, this invasion thing, they're they'll follow that United States it's fuckin' armed forces are on the nove to stay the at Sphincter anywhere ... hell, man!". necessary course ... steady ... prudent, In The so-called "Biz-Knob again. a surprise dawn attack, American this juncture baaad!". Brigades", entrenched ... Sphincter

took Laurier's Peters in in the Peters remain defiant. paratroopers Building. Their Fighting the narrow corridors of the Peter's Building, "They'll of objective: to capture the infamous "the Fish" was never get us out here", one. if Jimmy Building fierce, with heavy casualties on both says "Hell, even wanted Sphincter. One we to leave, we couldn't find our sides. American soldier shouted "Man, I was in way out."

At a press conference, President International reactions vary. Brian "Brain" Mul- Georgie Nam, and that was a piece of cake compared to this.

"Porgie Puddin' & Pie" Bush, detailed the reasons roney, commenting on the invasion of Those biz knobs, man, they come out of nowhere Canada,

commented "I regard this invasion as a significant forward in the step relations between our two coun-

tries. First, the Shamrock Summits, Free Trade ... it's natural a progression. Besides, they're just a bunch o' biz knobs."

Greater Germany approved of the American ac-

tion, calling it "a favourable precedent for interna-

tional relations, for and SIEG peace ... HEIL ...

whoops." France, upon learning of the American

invasion, offered to surrender.

With the invasion only hours old, Jimmy "the Fish" Sphincter had fled to Laurier's Seminary

Building. The American military immediately sur- rounded the building with loudspeakers and began

loud broadcasts of comments taken from hundreds

of business student evaluations.

Danny "Dingbat" Quayle slowly remarked on

the invasion "I don't understand this invasion of the

Peters Building. Why go to so much trouble just to urinal? get a Where's George? Is the National Guard full? Daddy?"

Bush had this the of Georgie to say on progress the invasion, the course 80 cent "Staying ... per

popularity Dan a rating ... Quayle goddamned

mor...uh, gaining acceptance. Thousand points of GEORGE BUSH and Dan seen here at a recent at in Quayle, meeting Camp light ...dah, dah dah, a garbage can, in a garbage

a machine hand -- David, where they planned Operation Just Cause II: Lie Harder. And re- can, got kinder, gentler gun keep

on rockin' in the free world!" member -Bush is an impish little centaur, ain't he! Music punks

By RIMSKY KORSNOTT The in students involved were famous professor Elsaesser. Laurier Sun Third Year music. They had been Known throughout the music The of police Waterloo were observed all school year making community from his demand in summoned today to the campus rhythmic freedom from protests rhythmic excellence, he was the of Laurier, where year-long 12:30 to I:3opm, down the cor- immediate suspect as ring leader took for protests finally a turn the ridor of the second floor of the of the group. worst. Aird Centre. Uttering only, "Ta-ta-tee-tee- The police, acting out of con- Their stomping, waving arms ta...", it is suspected he well be cern for the campus's sex atti- and chanting rythmic slogans arraigned on charges of insanity, tudes, acted swiftly in removing for were finaly unbearable John disturbing the peace, and distrac- students demanding 'rhythmic Hergel, the Extreme Commander tion of theory class. freedom.' of Aird Centre Affairs. He

notified police after he noticed Editor's Note: Look, I know, I

that there know — this were foot marks being story was only funny

left in the carpet. "The floors will to Music students and people in- terested in have to be replaced now," was the esoteric humour. But

hey, the biz knobs their only comment understandable get own section in the from the weeping Hergel. Cord and a whole

Dr. in I think C.Morrison, teaching a newspaper. we can

humour the Music students with classroom outside the protest area a

remarked, "It's about time this story from time to time.

At Music rhythmic nonsense ended. The least the students be students' time should be com- won't screwing anybody for a

Oh ho -- pletely dedicated to theory. The living. I'm joking!

But -- world depends on my educational seriously folks ain't life Sgt. Joe Friday techniques in the field of music the damndest, just the damndest And theory." thing? remember, everyone HEY, LOOK, it's a fat chick! Boy, we'd never put - this is the Police Constable Joe Friday, During removal of the stu- JOKE ISSUE, so her in our Sunshine Girl section! Haha! don't start off with the libel stated, "If it's rhythm, there's sex dents it was discovered that one stuff, involved." or the 'bad taste' of the students was indeed the in- stuff again! The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 5

Will Kirk fit the 'Bill'?

WilliamPresident? Shatnerfor

federal combined United States of North America as our (the Progressive Conservatives') term of By GENE RODDENBERRY early

1992. office can run to another three Laurier Sun as up years, and you

Under current U.S. the President can be damned sure that we're not till we're Classified documents leaked from the Prime legislation, leaving

must be born in the United States. taken over by our fine friends to the South." Minister's office have revealed that the Free Trade In that an interview with the Sun, PC all- Agreement was created in order the United When questioned on the matter, Prime Minister around arrogant scumball John Crosbie echoed States could annex a financially-ravaged Canada, Brian Mulroney was surprisingly candid. Mulroney's comments. the the for Canadian "It's all and there isn't a damned all "Nyah, nyah, nyah!", opening way actor-philosopher true, thing eloquent Maritimes minister said, before adding a William Shatner to run for the presidency of the you cheap whining punks can do about it, because sexist slur which is too vile and loathsome to repeat here (the punchline is "The House That Dripped

Blood," so build from there.)

It appears that the Republican Party, tired of Bush's President wimpy attitude, want a take-

charge kind-of-guy, the sort of man who could turn

the United States around. Plans to annex Austria so

that Arnold Scwarzengger could run were put on hold when Scwarzengger said that he wouldn't be president unless Lou Ferrigno could be vice.

And while Bill Shatner's directorial work on the

latest Star Trek left opus "something to be desired," according to Republican head weasel Lee Kirk Atwater, the "Captain persona is the sort of

thing America needs to lead it into the 19th-er~ 21st century."

Surprisingly, a Gallup Poll of American voters released this finds of week a huge groundswell sup-

port for the ex-patriate Canadian who made his

mark on popular culture by baring his chest and

such classic the hell of saying lines as "Let's get out here!" and "But for how long, Mr. Spock, for how

long?" Seventy-three per cent of Americans said

for they would vote the man who would be James

Kirk. That figure goes up to 87 per cent if Shatner

would also promise never to direct another film.

When reached for comment, Shatner was typi-

cally humble. "With Leonard Nimoy as vice-

president, DeForrest Kelley as Secretary of State

and James Doohan as Secretary of Defense, we'll

show those damned Romulans and Klingons-er, I

mean, Japanese and Soviets - who really is the

boss in this arm of the galaxy!" BILL SHATNER is already in training for his hoped-for presidency of the DeForrest Kelley wasn't so sure, though. In an United States. The U.S. sent him to Lithuania where only yesterday, interview with the Sun, he opined "Damn it, and him from it out with himself! McCoy Scotty kept duking Gorby Sui), I'm a second-rate actor, not a Secretary of

State!"

Floral scent captivates Stuart Lewis

By DAISY DOWNSTOWN under control within it is. It is. The writer, who demanded Dr. Weir, WLU Head Hon- problem a cur next priority. Really The Laurier Sun that she remain unnamed, dis- cho, said as long as it wasn't cost- couple of days. "We plan to lo- Yep." The of scent flowers has cate the of the scent" he pelled Lewis' belief by saying, ing the university any money, he source WLUSP only hopes the smell the halls mysteriously permeated "It's not he's said. When asked what he Lewis me talking about, didn't see anything wrong with it. plans is taken care of soon, so of WLUSU for the past couple of hall but if he ever close Dean of Dr. Fred the drift back down the gets enough Students, to do once he locates source, will weeks, and are many just plain smell it won't be the "It's from. to my hair, Nichols, said he hopes to have the Dr. Nichols could only say where he came "pissed off with the situation. scent of roses he remembers." The illusive scent of daisies, Karen Gordon, the new Exec-

lilacs, and roses has especially utive VP-elect thinks the smell been noted by several Doors! has gotten out of hand, and must SBE dead like WLUSU/WLUSP staff members, be bottled. "I'm getting tired of most VP: Af- into the towns and notably University HERSEY HIGHWAY note. "I'm going drought-blasted Stuart walking around the office By fairs, Stuart Lewis, Laurier Sun and two who claims to villages of Africa, where my money my sniffing. He gets so enraptured by be "turned on" the floral smell. do some for this by In WLU has dissolved its strong hands can hopefully good the captivating scent that he can- a surprise move, next life. I "UUUMMMMM!", said Economics. To takes its Earth before I pass on to the Hopefully, not function. He stares wistfully School of Business and "I love in Lewis, that smell. It's just will be created, including haven't wasted all good karma this existence out the window, dreaming of the place, three new faculties my Like so flowery. roses, you the En- I've led until now." scent's source." a journalism school, and a special 'Saving up know." Joe Claus will head M.A. Student WLUSU Big Cheese A 1 vironment' program. newspaperperson I Lewis attributes the scent to school. "I hope that can our of 'The days of ruthless the journalism just Strathdee agreed with Gordon, "It's way saying up the used of the the truth and beauty shampoo by one scumball are help come to appreciate expressing concern for Lewis. cutthroat lying bloodthirsty capitalism people Cord illustrious and of a Weekly's writers. Dean who will volunteered to of of telling the truth, being "We just can't control the guy, over'," said Murray, newspapers, been all life," "Salon Selectives", he said. "I use fighter for freedom like I have my just can't control him. It's just the step down. it myself." made Claus said to the Sun. damndest, it's the damndest." "Oh, I'm not retiring," Murray a point to 6 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990

Chappaquiddick: Was Smokey there?

And who shot JFK?

And Luther King Jr? And Hoffa, and

By SIRHAN SIRHAN

Laurier Plottin' and Plannin'

Startling new evidence has come to life which links the Chappa- incident which devastated Ted quiddick Kennedy's political career with the assassinations of President John F. Kennedy, Robert Ken-

nedy, Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., labour organizer Jimmy Hoffa and

renowned voice-of-cartoon characters Mel Blanc.

According to Fred Mertz's new book Yours Truly, Smokey the

Bear, the beloved symbol of fire prevention has actually been a hor-

rifying killer of America's greatest human beings over the last few

years. his "He's a jealous bear. People are stealing press, everyone's

talking about 'Camelot-this' and 'I have a dream' that ~ something

said Mertz from his Manhattan home. THE BRIDGE AT CHAPPAQUIDDICK: was Smokey the Bear there too, plot- just snapped," apartment truth? And the CIA, along with the National Association of Fire ting and flexing his razor-sharp claws? Will we ever know the Fighters, has been covering up evidence about Smokey's secret life

for decades now, Mertz also alleges.

"They were embarrassed, scared, and they wanted to look after them? When he ANNUAL HOUSEHOLD RUBBISH COLLECTION one of their own. Do you blame wants to be, Smokey

is a damned charming carnivore."

"But like most bears, he has a brain the size of a pea and an ego Q the size of 19 mattresses. Something's gotta give." Smokey the Bear's press secretary is denying the whole thing. A ril 4th Waterloo P 30th-May Yogi Bear, who has been with Smokey since his own cartoon series folded in the mid-19605, said "Rararargghararaghgrarg!" when inter- viewed by the Sun.

The FBI, though, is investigating the allegations. Household rubbish including weighty or bulky articles "These are serious charges Mr. Mertz has brought forth," said FBI such as major appliances, furniture, mattressed, bathtubs, spokesperson Charles Bronson.

water tanks etc. will be "If true ~ or if that damned bear kills wife picked up during the week of they're my friends, my

or my daughter — well, then, I I'm have to kick some April 30th to May 4th if placed at the curbside by: guess gonna serious ursine butt," Bronson added, with a grim smile engraved on 8:00 a.m. ON YOUR REGULAR GARBAGE DAY his lips.

In keeping with Waterloo's commitment to recycling, Attention Class of '90 forces will be metal city seperating out products so they Put your university or college education to work with a one-year post-diploma program at can be picked by a second vehicle. Tires are no longer Georgian College.

at the Waterloo Landfill be These focus accepted site and must trans- programs are designed to your background in the Social Sciences or Humanities

into a fulfilling career. ported to Cambridge. As a result, a maximum of four(4)

• tires household will be Recreation for Special Populations • Communicative Disorders Assistant per accepted. 12-month (Orillia) program (Orillia) 12-month program

in leisure courses education, counselling and courses in speech-language pathology, Commercial and Industrial wastes, construction debris, life assessment alternate modes of communication and tree trunks and stumps will not be collected. auditory disorders

16-week competency-based internship 16-week competency-based internship

If are unsure if an article will be you accepted, please career with possibilities seniors, law careers include assistant or technician in

offenders, persons with developmental or facilities or clients with check with us at 886-2130 before you carry the item to agencies serving physical impairments. communicative disorders, such as schools, the curbside. residential institutions or clinics

Georgian College has an excellent track record in placing graduates in related employment. Call toll free 1-800-461-9696, ext. 566 (Ontario) or (705) 722-1566. Or mail the coupon below.

I would like information more and an application for:

Recreation for Special Populations Z Communicative Disorders Assistant Z

Name:

Address:

(apt., street) (city) (prov) (postal code)

Phone: ( )

Mail to: College Information Services Georgian College One Georgian Drive _ . ~ /T"N Barrie,Ontario Georgian College(S/ L4M 3X9 The Laurier 1990 Sun, Thursday April 5, 7

tw^0» go r gg [The Men's Centre

"At Flabbusters, I lost 374 pounds in three short weeks. I

learned that being active not only to lose it helps you weight, .. - - S||g|| c #11 T^/^| also the SCratCll helps you to keep weight off. Flabbusters should DGGf, yOUTSGIf, jfci. mf fart and carouse with tarts g|

No gimmicks

No calorie counting Jf W J3 B : No health hazards ::;

No exercise J no broadsallowedß No eating I

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There's

1 cooking at CaseyIs. paweh thJrsmh^ hsr°7

THURSOAy aaffwso \ 8 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 No Diet Poland pulverized USSR says Ha ha ha achieve the results can. can help you we FROM A BAR IN taking prisoners!" a prepared statement for Western diet alone Significant weight loss and dramatic body reshaping. No can of- "Now LITHUANIA (NCC)- According And to back up his state- journalists, no one will with fer both but we can. We are third students an .... biology eye have Poland you year Soviet head honcho Mikhail Gorbachev declared war to kick around to ments, any

on future. civilized more! Ha ha ha!" your Gorbachev, he was "just joking" yesterday on the entire

what he called "all this hu- with Poland, However, most Western could 33 with our innovative Ex- with world, starting You lose up to pounds/week program. are man liberal humanist which the USSR nuclear-bombed powers remaining neutral in for all. tie around rights ercise made easy and enjoyable Simply a large rope you this latest mumbo-jumbo of the last few into a smoking twisted crater ear- development in Eastern and drive at 80 KM/hour for 2 to 3 hours bi-weekly. U 0) years." ly this morning. Europe.

« Your Your Life. WLU Biology. Reshape Body perhaps even .9., "The Bear's back, and he ain't "Ha ha ha!" Gorbachev said in "We're hoping that Gor-

bachev's insane bloodlust will

itself spend before he gets to

Western Europe or, God forbid,

North America," U.S. President

Bush said George to a press con- ference yesterday.

Frosh wash

* 11 — Twenty-seven frosh living in

the Little House 'A' residence

were tragically killed on Sunday

afternoon when a washing ma-

chine in the basement of the

residence exploded.

Commenting on the incident,

Laurier President John Weir said

"Thank God, they'd all paid their

tuition and residence fees, be-

cause it;s really awful when you of dead have to press the parents

kids for the money this institution

needs to survive. \ \ IHHHI §; £$k

'•■ $&wi S 112 gig . >5" >&£s§& Jjgl

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THE

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Feeling sexy and the ducks

I I was feeling sexy, but sort of nervous, so at these would laughing silly girls make my whole made like I'd been shot in the and I was strug- SAM SALINGER gut, ache. I had body Suddenly, an urge to call Leslie (with a smile on to impress gling grim my lips any again, but I she'd be in figured bed by now, and her girls around) to keep the blood from leaking out mother would answer, and I didn't want to have to from my stomach. explain why I was at this Bar calling time of the morn- I stumbled to the bar and ordered a Scotch-and- Musings ing. soda. The trick to doing this when you're 18 like I So I sat there and listened to them chatter order away. am is that you it fast so's they don't check Turned out there were visiting from goddam West- your identification. But the guy at the bar said ern. I tried to find out what their majors were, or - look "Hey, let me see some ID pal you pretty what sort of music they liked, but all they could talk young." about was seeing A 1 Strathdee, or some other big I "I'm 25.1 look for "Hey," said, just young my bad conversationist, looking around all the time be- around here. It guy killed me, itreally did. age!" hind as if she was to see in me, going anyone this I Finally gave up on them and stumbled out into I ended up getting a milk. There are some bars lousy place. Goddam, it was a lousy place. the night. I hailed die first cab by, and told him to where can pull this stuff off, and some where you Just for a joke, I isn't that suddenly said, "Hey, drive home. He me was a real talkative guy, this can't. It was a lousy bar -- a bunch of you anyway A 1 Strathdee over there?" She whirled around, and I cab driver. He was telling me about his kids and his stiffs and losers, and no one I'd want to dance with, said, "You missed him -- he went out just just the house and it what was like to be a cabby, while I sat except for this one skinny blond girl who had bad door!" there and counted my money. Then I thought of teeth, but looked like she might be a good dancer. She pouted a bit at that. I sort of liked her, ex- something. I wandered and the --1 over, here's funny thing for she cept the fact that was a bad conversationist, "Hey, mister, the ducks ~ what happens to the pretended like I was James Dean in Rebel without and didn't seem to be too bright. Some of her ducks in Waterloo Park when everything freezes?" a Cause as I did it. I'm stuff like that, and I always doing friends came over, got a laugh when she told "What kind of question is that? The Schneider's even it. I without thinking about Sometimes think them she'd seen A 1 Strathdee. meat rounds them while factory up they're sleep- I'm crazy, and sometimes I know I am. "Where? Where?" It they asked. killed me, it ing, just before the first frost, and turns 'em into I tried to strike a conversation with this I up girl. did. It was hard to from I really keep laughing, so weiners. full of They're nutrients, you know." was cool, suave, but she was a really really really pretended I'd been shot in the gut and that again, It killed me. It really did.

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_ J 10 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990

Clouseau enters Liberal race

GAY By DIVORCEE "Eh, I 'ave de same ac- goofy suave!" Even Brian Mulroney is cerns Canadians You now. are Seventh Circle of Hell cent as Chretien, and I do not Canadians In a Travis with Clouseau's entrance one screwed bunch of agree. happy fucks, and A shocking entrant into the speak out of one side of de mout' released after if I McHaggis poll into the leadership race. you think want to come back Liberal leadership race has or de udder -1 am for all of Can- Clouseau's into the "I had with the and lead entrance race, sex man at a you, think again. How- thrown the whole in outcome into ada!", Clouseau said one of the cent I nearly 90 per of Canadians PC fund raiser in London, ever, have edited another book doubt. A Chr6tien cake walk most offensive has political speeches said Clouseau was the they thought Ontario back in November 1979, on subject, so if you want to turned into...what? since last the time John Crosbie "suave." shell and man, is this cat good in the out $30..." A Clouseau coronation, opened his big fat mouth. of Sault-Ste. per- And the city sack!" Mulroney raved about Trudeau added "Ah, to hell haps? voters But identify with the Marie has voted him an honorary Clouseau. with it. Any country that would

Yes, that's right - world- bumbling French detective. citizen already. "When he enters something, elect Brian Mulroney, let Wayne renowned sleuth Inspector Jac- "I like him. He's one suave "He's the kind of bumbling, he really enters it!", Mulroney Gretzky get away, let its postal ques Clouseau has thrown his fuck," said Liberal French hanger-on stupid, non-threatening added enthusiastically, with slob- system be dismantled and its rail- battered Fedora into the Liberal Frank Booth. "And he drinks which Canada needs more ber down his ridiculous road be » person dripping system castrated such a leadership race. Pabst Blue Ribbon. Damn, he's of," said Soo mayor Biff Mcßiff. chin. society deserves to be hurled into

Prime Minister Pierre the Former abyss of slimy mediocrity Eliot Trudeau isn't with from which it happy may never emerge I A COURSE THROUGH EUROPE this latest entrant into the leader- again. I hope you all burn like of which rabid ship race the party gophers in a hell of your himself Trudeau once led for own imaginings, you spineless what seemed like close to a mewling puking jellyfish excuses

century. for members of a democratic

"This Clouseau is a parody of society."

a leadership candidate," Trudeau "Have a nice day," Trudeau

noted. "But unfortunately, added, before riding off into the

parody, not parity, is what con- sunset.

Fisher fined!

Special to the Sun

WLU professor Jim Fischer was jailed last night for allegedly

threatening a police officer who ticketed his car in the Tim Horton's

parking lot around 10 pm.

"I know who I you are and know what you look like!" Fischer al-

screamed over legedly the phone at the officer who was believed to have ticketed his car. "You have 48 hours to do something about this negative ticket!"

The terrified officer promptly apologized to Mr. Fischer and revoked the ticket THE immediately. Police Chief Jim McNuttchon was SOURCE TO EUROPE intimidated not by Fisher, however, and ordered his jailed indefinitely for his obnoxious behavior.

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Sex no more!

By J. JANA WATSONPFEIFFER mere act of sex imposes strictures on human beings

Laurier Sun If which are evil and depraved. the world is going

A Reid that hundred new Angus poll suggests the Cana- to become a good one, we must reach a per

dian birth rate is for in falling rapidly a simple reason. cent rate Canada before the year 2000."

Seventy-seven percent of Canadians don't know "The fascist core at the heart of human sexuality

what is. sex must be stamped out by stamping out first the sex The in 6000 survey, which Canadians were drive, and then sex itself."

is nine times of polled, accurate out ten plus or "As long as people go to bed, they'll act funny minus months in five percent during ending towards one another," Fistinyourface concluded.

'vember', according to the polling agency. The poll has also come under fire for another

the results have under flak -- However, poll come factor which may have led to skewed test results number from a of sources, including the Wilfrid all of the polls were mistakenly issued to the same Laurier Faculty of Social Work. person. "Seventy-seven cent? That figure is too per way "Look, I don't know anything about any low," said DSA Marion spokesperson Fistinyour- damned poll," Students' Union President Stuart face. Lewis said before running into the men's washroom "In a truly non-gender-biased society, no one STUART LEWIS is tired of being pushed around on the third floor of the Pickle-up-your-Ass would know and thus what sex is, we would all be Centre with of Penthouse like a little girly-woman! Look out, world! Campus a copy maga- free from the stigma of gender specificity. The zine and a handful of paper towels. HeyKids! Grab a groin!

Groins. Who needs 'em? LUMPY the things that make my favourite movie, Ernest Not me, that's for sure. saves Christmas, pulse and pump with the stuff of I hot coffee for Yesterday, spilled on my groin RUTHERFORD Art made popular and accessible, of archetypal im- the third time this week. It made my eyes water, the ages given life and breath. pain was so intense. I hate when that happens. But the ending...the ending could have caught But it finally made me think ~ where would we more of the sadness and inexplicable disaster of be if we didn't have groins? life. For instance, the sled could have flipped over Gary Hart would be president of the United on Ernest, pinning him to the ground. And at night, States. the ice weasels come! The pornographic magazine industry would col- Tarzan bundolo! Bundulo! Meshach that Shadrach, lapse. burg Golf and Country Club, wishing mightily lend --1 and Abednego, me your ears come to bury Our legs would fall off. I was a snowflake being blown across the Antarctic Daniel, not to him! hot the and slow the praise What a different world it would be...without wastes, so day so waiting ser- Is it better to take arms against a sea of troubles, groins! vice. or to run like a scared gopher on a plain full -- It made me that there is a mean- away And another thing where do they get skim think, then, just of wolverines? milk in this world when die of hungry from? Anorexic cows? Makes me wonder. ness a thirsty man can

And did Batman decide dress in the heart of a crowded restaurant. It that is certain. But if someone offered why to up as a parchedness I am not, have been made realize the ironies of this the sweet I take I after bat? Wouldn't Boaconstrictorman just as me life, me oral sex, would it gladly. am, all,

Or Amoebaman? sad music that is the unrestrained voice of is is a is a terrifying? Boy, there's just a humanity merely a man, and a groin a groin groin wealth of possibilities in the animal world for whenever it forgets to act like a monkey and re- groin, and all the wonders that glisten and pulsate at cinematic excitement! members that it built the pyramids and freed the the heart of the groins of all men and women are

Golf balls the size of hail slaves! what make this mad bad world the fun were raining down on crazy place

me as I sat in the lovely restaurant at the Tillson- Humour and love and raw red evil. These are it is to drop a litter.

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I * 12 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 THE Laurier's Other Voice -€> LAURIER BIFF STRATHDEE, Publisher

NORM NEEDLE, General Manager Audit Bureau SUN RAVING STARKEY, Editor of Circulations MIDNIGHT RANGER, Executive Editor Member FRIDGE WATSON, Managing Editor

Proprietor - The Laurier Sun Publishing Corp.

2nd Floor, Blue Jay Appreciation Centre Waterloo N2L 3C5 884-2990

FINGERELBOW BURKE, Ent. Ed. CARRY UPS, Asst. to Exec. Ed. SCARFACE OWEN, Sports Ed. KNOB GERVIN, Money Ed.

LIZARDBREATH CHEN, Feat. Ed. KIRK NEILSEN, Editor Emeritus Sun Worship

With the Leafs their starting playoff quest for the

Stanley Cup this week, the Sun would like to take time in

this editorial to remind all Laurier sports fans of the Creed. Maple Leaf Since those Dead Wings are out of the

playoffs, we anticipate full support from the Wilfrid Laurier University community.

THE MAPLE LEAF CREED

We believe in Doug Carpenter the Almighty, maker

of Leafmania. And in the Maple Leafs, our favourite

sons, who were conceived by Conn Smythe, born in

Maple Leaf Gardens, suffered under Harold Ballard,

were crucified by the media, died with John Brophy

and were buried in the cellar of the Norris for years.

By 1989-90, they had descended into hell.

In the 1990-91 season, they rose from last place.

into They ascended third, where Don Cherry sitteth on

the right hand of Doug Carpenter the Almighty, from whence he shall judge the Scandanavians and the Prairie boys.

We believe in the the holy MLG church, the

commuting of the Newmarket Saints, the forgiveness

of A 1 lafrate's sins, the resurrection of Wendel's body, and the Leafs everlasting. Amen.

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

WHY IS making with those hats Manitoba Schools con- HAVE YOU ever noticed everyone up goofy plastic question, maybe put a losing team back on such a deal about the bil- with Now Maurice big $30 the fake felt tops. scription, Duplessis, that the two tallest guys on the the ice at WLU. lion Just we've De the surplus? give every stu- got a little class when it Charles Gaulle, Laurier staff both work in the Li- Why doesn't Chancellor Bal- dent, staff and member comes to And best of those Canadiens win- the tallest freestand- faculty headgear. separatists, brary? Yeah, lard just fire him so that the

$50 to in the Bookstore and all, when we work a sweat five could take these structures spend up ning cups...l ing at Laurier are the Maple Hawks can be real brutal all of our will solved. in the Turret, we sorts of in problems starting fights things. guy government documents for a long time to come?

Paul Fischer now will have But Les Bleus de Tommy Douglas something to pat Aigles and Howard, the one with the Veree Nayeev Social Credit Bookstore Sales our brows with. l'universit6 du Moncton? If glasses and the thinning white Waterloo

Const. Tim Horton someone can prove to me those hair. (Sound familiar?) grenouilles aren't to some- up Just thought you'd like to (Wonder what John Brophy is transfer (Sikh the truth, and it will set thing, I'll to Waterloo. know that is he REGARDING OUR admin- your library a special up to these days? [and can you free!) Robert Dopsonne place. coach an offensive line?]) istration's decision on turbans in gardien a Laurier Charles Schultz the WLU security force: Only Head Librarian one word describes it ~ great! For IT'S ABOUT time that Stu- I THINK I can speak for (May we, moan sewer) have been dent Union their years now we putting Canadians when I we're got act together most say think (And don't we haven't and shut down the Sun. I can't be fed up with the words racism, mi- I CAN'T believe those noticed by Phillip damn that the library has bothered with their nority, hypenated Canadians, putting up SUNTOON Jims are about leav- of the Bizequers talking some best-looking babes and libellous carrying- rights, anglophone, francophone. swearing ing WLU again. I was in business and on bachelors too) on with all damn squir- Damn it, we're all Canadians. campus, of these in 1979 and I voted "no" to rels on the grounds of campus. When are the people of this great then and I don't separation see little rodents eating all country going to realize that Stupid how this Aird Parallel Accord is THE MAPLE Hawks of the good sunflower seeds on bigotry and shallow-mindedness going to help the situation. haven't won a University Cup in Mr. Cheep Cheep and Mrs. Caw are going to get us nowhere? P.M. Weir is just trying to get over seventeen with Whine Caw! Shoot the whole lot of Jim Keegstra years our minds off that terrible free at Red Hour- Millhaven Growling the helm. That's im- them. Where's that trade deal that Minister of Fi- but he back when need him? Get pressive, also has a great you nance Berczi shoved Andy up our winning and three them all!!!! (When you-know-what freezes percentage last sphincters year. How can the OUAA titles to his credit. AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! over!) Laurier be once public swayed As a true WLU sports fan, I Dr. Johann Weird

again? find these winning habits un- Penatanguishene

THESE DAMN Frenchmen are Bruce P. Tightbutt fortunate. (formerly of Waterloo)

getting on my nerves! There's a Class of '80 Now that Hairold Ballard has

conspiracy going on here that has that's come back to Laurier after getting (Looks like HE'S the one

been on for (Because going years. they're all jerks!) the shaft in Toronto, could he going squirrelly!) The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 13

AL ALLAN

EVEREADY PILFERINGHAM

I made it home. Exams finally were over. The seven hour train ride

was over and thank God for the alcohol that made it tolerable. I just wanted bed. The of a machine to go to Ah, bed. Such a foreign luxury to the student. Yet something had transpired in absence while making my away from echoed in home. My father's footsteps the hall as he stomped towards

room. He was a rather my heavy set man of forty, with a quick t all one dark The find J began stormy Thursday night. to a parking place on campus, all you have to and a stubborn in temper disposition; my somewhat drunken state, he Turret was full, the patrons rowdy and abusive. do is look for the black smoke from the burning the last was person I wanted to deal with. Suddenly, the door A drunk tuba attacked WLU I had swung player a Campus tires. The last space parked in a Mercedes and, looming before me was that dark and Police officer with and threw him under open foreboding silhouette. a flashlight hood ornament laying there. Scary. "Just what the hell do think you you're doing", bellowed father. the wheels of an Pinto. He was rushed to my oncoming I will that having Supercop around has done say I tried to ignore I of him the but him; thought as a mosquito buzzing off, hospital, was pronounced dead on arrival. for those amazing things some of hard to enforce but there was no avoiding him. He continued: "I've news for His body became of the got you, property Administration, as is problems on campus. Nobody lighting up except you sorry excuse for shit!" per the release he signed when he joined the force. in zones and the for the are designated lineups pubs I turned around and what waited for was coming next. He was taken to the high-tech medical science wing the calmest that they have ever been. Word might "Well, now that I've got your attention," bellowed father,"l'd where they replaced his broken body with my have gotten around that the last person who dis- like to I In just you know that your mother and are getting a divorce." cybernetics. short he became Supercop, the new ended at obeyed Supercop up in intensive care St. "Oh?", I asked meekly, not realizing the of what he had head of the Campus Police at WLU. impact just Hospital. (That's where he landed after Mary's said. With this new infusion of talent onto the force, Supercop hit him) "Yeah! Well, she wanted a divorce, but I didn't want to give her things tightened up considerably. Building access I think the students are to his finally adjusting one, so I killed her with the Braun coffee And by the was restricted to those who had a valid student grinder. way,

on don't run screaming presence campus they away the school phoned and said failed all courses and can't card, a letter from their prof stating that they actual- you your you look frightened. There have less Your also called and said this anymore, they just re-apply. girlfriend she's pregnant, but she ly were attending class, a note from the busi- on in the three months would discipline problems campus never marry you because you smell bad. The dog died yester- ness office verifying that they had no outstanding that he's than time in WLU fees been on campus any day and you have to bury it. Your brother just admitted he's and twenty dollars to cover the wear and tear There are rumours of trouble brewing how- homosexual and has loved ever since Your sister has of unlocking the door. history. you puberty.

about anti-tank a commune and as a condition of her she Unrest became noticeable ever, something portable weapons joined religious acceptance, very among the stu- in Willison Hall. had to donate all her records to the Grand Salami. Well, she didn't dent population and they did the only thing that think well could do. Overall I things are pretty back to have any records, but she did give them your collection of C.D.'s. I they They went to WLUSTU. As they

let her take them. I never did like that music But then consulted the normal can overlook the bars on the anyway. again, great sage LEW. He said that they (if you I never did like either. Your boss and said that his Su- could do little craters in you, phoned very as Supercop had become a sepa- residence windows, the the parking lots pervisor caught him for embezzlement, but he's for it. rate force under the administrations new and hour camera surveillance) blaming you emergency twenty-four security student riot hear You're fired. You also have to in court next I act policy.(Someone had asked for their and the campus is gearing up for exams. I that appear Tuesday.

smashed car after I canceled the insurance The development fund refund) Supercop is going to be dealing with anyone caught up your just policy.

Student doctor phoned and said semen count is abnormally low, you unrest increased as Supercop imple- cheating on exams. With his built in voice stress your have lung cancer and I found stash of mented the new it's to be tough to post-nasal drip. your marijuana towing policy. It was a simple analyzer going pretty get away that with and sent it through the trash compactor." policy no longer involved tickets or tow trucks. anything but who knows.

All With that, my father smiled a calculated smile, turned around and vehicles illegally were blown parked simply up. Have a nice day and thank you for your After walked down the steps. I didn't know what to or how to react. two weeks of this it is now say policy very easy cooperation. Well, realizing my bladder was somewhat distended, I decided I

would go and relieve myself; it would give me time to figure out ex-

actly what was going on with my life. I REGRET GUNS TO inform you IN the classroom? to in sleep ourrrr squad carrrrs. I I reached the toilet and as proceeded to urinate, an excruciating that, to belief, I Next know there contrary popular thing you will But in the class orrrr the weapons I burning sensation filled my mid-section. When had contracted this am still dead. However, the poker be people the halls wanderrrring hallways. Give me a brrrreak! and I disease? Hopeless confused, sought council from a bottle of with Amelia off heads game Judge Crater, hacking people's with O'Ball Johnny Valiums in the medicine cabinet. I downed the bottle and killed Earhart and Glenn Miller is cerrrremonial going daggerrrrs! Chief O'Police myself. well. Thank for It's harrrrd really you your enough opening Funny thing though. As I felt life slowly drain from my body, I when support, and someday, the up doors, finding a good donut (It's a grrrreat day forrrr mo- could have sworn I heard my family yelling up to me "April Fool!" team's down at the half and place at 3:00 in the you morrrrning uh-cah rrrracing though, eh!) need tell the and some perking up, getting a comforrrrtable spot boys, just this once, to win one This just in from the President's desk for the Needle. LETTER OF THE DAY

I Mr. would like to start by thanking Pilferingham for allowing me

Bill Needle to reach the students through his column. His articles are a far HEYJ MY name is Joe. I am now the new editor of sight Fictional Curmudgeon better than those of that Bill Noodle. the Atrium/Concourse/Niobe Lounge/Torque Room, tak- has attention that Laurier has been It recently come to my running ing over for favourite resume builder Alex but where the Nazi everybody's (Yeah, are a budget surplus. I would like to take this opportunity to dispell any Mur.J Sruised Lodges, My mandate is to with provide of and busboys having sex myths regarding my management this University of these a paper that will be of interest to fish warehouses* bird Doberman Pinschers?) funds in question. and cat owners and recycling depots, assist student in It is my sole intent to recognize and the their

I would like to take this to offer endeavours of I realized WHILE PERSONALLY I opportunity posi- higher learning. never we were actually find tions in the A/C/NL/TR. 1 for to write their from them. in the Sunset Girl and Boy of- am looking someone hindering progress by taking money However, an

found sensible take effort to reconcile errs regarding the Student Body, I am ex- fensive, I your two-page articles, pictures, run our hockey pool, pull my past

an invitation the entire to come and spread on backyard compost piles relevant fiction out of Reader's Digest, make lines and tending to University population attend residence. Food and will be to be twice as offensive a party at my beverages provided as any- boxes with our vast array of magic markers and most and it will be licenced so I.D. thing you've ever published. a event, bring your importantly, someoneto go around and collect all the old

- Featured entertainment will be Miss Candi I've Shape up, you guys the scratch- Wrapper who, as A/C/NL/TRs once they have been thrown on the floor/We and-sniff been be dessert feature was putrid! informed, will providing a cake as well. are an "exciting" and "challenging" paper to work for, My wife and I await your arrival, and look forward to your compa- if and another so you can spare two hours in October, Dr. Ham Tongue ny. two hours in March, give me a call. Master of Smellorama Good luck Joke Laws on exams.

Sincerely yours, until (Wait you smell the up- Saltpeters Building Dr. John Weird coming feature on the Blue Jays (We'll get right on that) locker President, WLU room, pal!) 14 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990

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TROPICAL STORM DUMPS ANCIENT MONOLITHS ON LAURIER

HURRICANE JANA STRIKES

In WATERLOO: an eerie replay of the Wizard of Oz, last weeks

cold front merged with hot air brewing over Stuart Lewis' office

creating tropical storm Jana. Later in the week the government

weather bureau upgraded the storm to full hurricane status. The ter-

hurricane's winds at rifying were gusting over 200 miles per hour

when it the Pacific Ocean. The immense of the approached power gale lifted the famous monoliths of Easter Island out of the ground and them the dropped on WLU campus killing hundreds of business students.

the dead SBE Dean Among was Dr. Alex Mudray. His body was

crushed beyond recognition but ex-Atrium/resume builder Bruce

the in Hodges identified corpse a most unusual way. When asked how he knew the body was Mudray's, Hodges replied "it was boots

he was I wearing. knew they were his. The soles were all worn

down from where I used to lick them."

Within hours of the storm's passing, WLU Administration had

hollowed the stairs and out idols, installed windows, and was charg- $15 ing for guided tours of the newly renovated monoliths. Badly needed office and classroom space will be added over the summer.

Wayne Casting said "It's too bad but I about the students, guess their

loss is our gain. We could even the friends of the get dead to set up a

or a fund or bursary development something. Hey, maybe even I could be the Dean now!".

John Tombstone, director of student unemployment queried with "I this won't affect the hope co-op program. With the extra room for

students now, I think we should boost enrollment."

Atrium takes over

student publications m She's rude...She's nude..,She's lewd! I

Martin Walker by: "Mad-Dog" President Mark Ham sold his

voting rights and stock to The In what Economic analysts Atrium. Ham stated, "I needed are estimating as the biggest busi- the money...after all, I am an Arts ness take-over in the history of student. Besides, I never really Canada, the Atrium Newspaper of was fond that guy Snarkey." able was to successfully acquire a Student Publications will

of stock of 55% voting share the The Cord remain in charge of un- ■■ y ~o N. / I J||W • —* :: Student Publications Inc. Chris til May 1, 1990 when The Atrium Editor of the Cord Snarkey, will officially take control. Joke Wilfrid Weekly Newspaper at Editor of The Atrium, Laws, NOW shit! PERFORMING Laurier commented, "Holy - I plans on making Dean Alex P\ WFWm % You that those biz-knobs mean Mudray the Editor with the SBE

to are going be up here sitting in Board of as the Directors of at j': MY office? Well we'll just see!" WLUSP. When asked to com- :]

The Atrium had been un- ment, Mudray blurted, "I'm successful the six over past G0d...1 can do what I want. The take-over bids months in several Atrium plans on actually making the Board of Direc- until, in what a profit, something the Cord had j in tors claim as a shock to everyone, been unable to do past years. The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 15

Ethics??...Shmethics!

Peter Elgin told B-C's decision in line with Canadian was was Despite official Canadian denials, the torture, killings 'White most this 'Money section has poked fun at Government the would and of policy: government not support assorted other forms of repression continue to the

the ethics in the S-'B/E., this article is serious that benefited the Chinese government, but Canada has enterprises present day. continued to supply arms to this restriction would not apply to those enterprises that the and addresses the reaf ethics in theS.'B.'E. Indonesian military, either directly, or indirectly benefited the Chines this dis- people. Nobody queried through the United States. Since 1980 Canada has As in the K-W Record reported (29/11/89), a weapons tinction between the Chinese and the government voted against repeated United Nations resolutions call- bureaucrat from External Affairs told our Business 459 Chinese in what such people, nor sense an enterprise ing on Indonesia to withdraw from East Timor. Cana- class on export marketing on November 28, that U.S. would benefit the 'Chinese whether people', nor con- dian companies have $1.4 billion of investment in In- military markets still looked good for Canadian formity with Canadian policy was the ap- donesia. government According to Statistics Canada we are the weapons producers. There was no noticeable reaction propriate criterion for making ethical business deci- third largest foreign investor in Indonesia after Japan either this on campus to statement or to the fact that sions, that such is for given policy designed companies and the U.S.A.. The drawing card is abundant and this official had been invited to to it. campus say such as B-C and their joint ventures. I asked whether natural cheap resources, tax holidays, a state- As reported in the Record (31/1/90) and the Laureate B-C experienced moral anxiety about dealing with and any controlled, strike-free very cheap labour force, and (6/2/90), WLU's 1990 business leader's outstanding a that massacred, then further its the government repressed, backing of the Canadian government in the form of award was made to the head of a local firm, 2-3% of students. 'Yes' was the own people, notably answer, export development credits and assistance from CIDA. the business of which is weapons components but then the benefits to the No students bulk of in people pres- The the investment is embodied a giant Inco ('defence products') exported to the U.S. (Navy). plant on the island of Sulawesi. But there are over 300 There was no noticeable reaction on campus to this ...they had to send 'our out of the other Canadian in people' coun- companies operating Indonesia or event. but for in try only ten days, and that some recal- participating joint ventures with Indonesian partners. On March announced and 3, 1990, as by bright green To list culation of the a that includes Air Canada, Alcan Aluminum, political risk was required. canary notices, the V.P. Marketing for Babcock & Wil- Bank of Nova Bata Shoes - that Scotia, paragon of cox in (henceforth B-C) Cambridge gave a talk, further ent expressed concern. third-world exploitation, celebrated in the business Tamiae and the with the title sponsored by SBE, "Pene- That the U.S. Government had within secretly sent, pages of The Cord (29/3/90) - Westinghouse Canada, trating the Chinese market: a 600 million dollar days of the senior officials to talk trade with Litton massacre, Systems (Canada) and MacMillan Bloedel can deal!!!" (sic). To none of these notices my knowledge their Chinese visit few be added opposite numbers, a repeated a now our very own international division of were defaced or torn down (nor am I recommending months later, seemed to be on mind. nobody's Babcock Wilcox in Cambridge. And since its conquest that they should be so The feel treated). speaker did raised when the of Nobody any questions speaker said the Chinese market represents a current, local and constrained to say something about the Tiananmen that B-C had a similar joint venture in Djakarta, In- exemplary business success story, we naturally invited Square massacre from a business point of view. He donesia, despite two weeks of publicity on V-P campus its Marketing to campus to tell us all about it. said that the - which plant represented a joint venture about Canada's to Indonesia's of relationship policy While students and faculty at WLU applauded the between B-C and what sounded like a Chinese State genocide against the people of East Timor. The sign in 'help' being given by a local capitalist to the 'people' Corporation - lost two days production because of the the concourse announces Bill Ripley's hunger strike in Bill of a distant land, Ripley (associated with Queen's massacre, that had to send 'our out of the they people' against Canada's military, diplomatic and eco- protest University) entered the fourth week of voluntary star- but for country only ten days, and that some re- In nomic support for this policy. the years following vation to stop such 'help' to a similarly distant nation, calculation of the political risk was required. One stu- Timor the 1975 Indonesian invasion of East an is 'help' that helping to kill off one of the earth's estimated of the dent raised a question about the 'business ethics' in- 200,000 pre-invasion population of peoples. volved in deciding to continue operations there. He 700,000 died from killings and forced starvation. Unethically Spewing

by Dr. Brutal Fournication alone care." Other courses to be to be done. I feel I should elude field fourth student give trips to Burlington, year commented added to the calendar include Tax to the something students" said Chemical Valley and Elliott "Great, just fucking great. Where What do steel factories, Avoidance, Labour Union Dis- Johnstone. Lake. lieu Upon learning of this In of a mid-term, stu- was this course when I was in pimps, and WLU Administration membering, and The Big Mass comment, S.B.E. officials dents will present a new product third year and had to take Busi- have in common? They all smell Producing and sacked Johnstone and the and Contraceptives promptly or process that has potential ness Society because all of bad but make really a whole lot Feminine Hygiene Products. froze his ass..ets.. for returning profits in excess of the other business electives were of And that is money. exactly The course offering will in- 175% ROI. Mike full." Pud Liron, in a conversation Yahooey, a what business students will be to Melson said "I sure there next hope learning year in a new is some way we can work this course offering at WLU. course into integrated You Business 308, Profit Over- case. know, it really shocks the maximization will teach students me, Ethics number of holy rolling left-wing that 'with a lack of Epidemic government Commie pinkos we have in the intervention, junk bond financing, 5.8.E.. I had student and a keen actually last interest in the resource who year wanted to do P & G en- industry, businesses can make Virus threatens existence of business student viropaks for her population huge profits by exploiting and marketing pro- ject. She tried to tell that P destroying small, single industry me & G was towns' according to the environmentally con- 'bad' Biz knobs 1990/91 by Pat Breath arc running scared. Says one, "I'm cerned. 'Wake and WLU calendar. up smell the v course running seared". > DMNA' I told her. 'It's "The Indians that live in a fad, a Panic is in For these growing the Peter's Building as a those infected with "ethicitis", the future towns trend, and P & G is bril- have no idea about the rich doing a wreaks With number and mysterious' epidemic havoc. a looms large bleak. "Things are so different liant of resources job on this BBA right beneath their feet" capitalizing of students incapacitated, the dreaded a already now, having functioning,forebrain and all.", says Nort consumerawareness crap'." "Ethics says Melson, course co- Epidemic" seems set to decimate the busi- one former business student. ordinator. "And better ness student population of Laurier. those BBA at yet -they Author of the book Environ- Among students who arc, present, have absolutely no of "It's a damn shame comments Alex free from all slim concept mental Degradation for Fun really," ethics, one hope remains. An minimum Mu.l Dean of the School of Business and Eco- wage". and Profit and WLU economics ray, ethics vaccine, Ethicol, has just become available. The makes nomics. course use of the "You must understand however — ethics professor David Johnstone will be Developed by the same team that brought you well talked about Man- cannot come into Japanese at play in our Once that Loblaw's "Green" the vaccine teaching least one of the sub- program. products, evidently agement Styles - "You've to Ye what if the got jects. "I happens, anything goes. gods ... immunizes against while user the won't even be accepting ethics, giving the the get locals on your side. If the suckers, students, started and of Droves of students er, questions ... you pay for honour of teaching asking appearancc morality. business can do that, the feds The BBA won't even whole -- this one. I know it thinking. program could fall are administering Ethicol to themselves but goes against only, know what you're let doing ... that apart." on capitalism stuff, but it's got Sundays. 16 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 SBE declares independence

ACCOUNTING fantasies come true 1 Have your 11 First Quebec, then Lithuania, now SBE

by Knob 'hie' Gervin Appointed Marshalls from the what we want".

Tamiae Executive began can l-976-AUDIT In welding A 1 Scratchmee, WLUSU | a referendum last week, pres- doors between the Peters Build- ident felt that down j business & economics students "deep in side, ing and the Arts & Science Build- I knew that voted 84% in favor of separating something like this shut. have the ing "They can the would happen. But if I from the rest of WLU. "They've had to library but we're taking the busi- blame it (Art Students) been creeping into on one person, I would

ness office and the mail room" have to say Spewart Lewis. our program more and more over Ever said Chief Annya Hubbahowski, since he was elected, the the past few years under the knobs in Marshall of the weekend's ac- have been anxious." * Bumß im i auspices of the Administration very A busi- tivities. ness student was over Option. It's got to stop" said heard Craig Mongoose, another saying "I thought he flHHfl idsheets" SBE Dean, Dr. Alex Mudray. (Stuart) was I i Marshall said "We're doing all in business. I voted for The separation began in the him and

we can to Barry out of the everything. He wears ties wee hours of Sunday morning. get so I is m &j as .as ?•« is sat m m m m m m m m w Cord offices - hopefully it's not just thought.... But it's exactly late. We've four like him too captured people that we have to ed. students and phys. several keep out of the Peters Building. hand weapons and we're not Didn't he start that recycling

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Entertainment

Few Kids mania overtakes WLU

It is Kidsomania. really He had. He looked out his window in time to see 20 For check out the Centre in Tienammen proof, teenaged girls going wild in a building-under- Few On The will Square Sunday where Kids Block per- construction close to the hotel. form two sold-out shows. Failing that, there's always "I found out rater that they had paid one of the con- UW's Humanities Hall, Where Few Kids play March 23. stluction wolkers to take them the up erevator." The The Chinese boys, each the only child of poverty- yellow-bellied teen raced cowardly out of the building stricken yak farmers, got together when they realized screaming into the night. they were the only toddlers in the neighbourhood, since Sounds like a hard day for Wang. But he's not com- the government imposed tough birth laws. plaining. "We didn't actuarry expect all of this," he says. labeled have had field Often sexist, journalists a day "We're still pinching each other and nibbring each over the homogeneous composition of the band. other's ears." Kid Limp Wang concurs. When they have time, of course. Their schedule is as it "Well, couldn't be helped," says Wang speaking hectic as their fans are happily harried. from the Turret's spacious dressing room, "whenever a In Few had of farm fact, Kids to bring some their yak is born in the girl neighbourhood, she just seems to dis- on the road in order to take care of the fragile animals. appear." "They thought it was kind of funny when we died to As we spoke, we could hear the tumultuous roar of get them into the hotel," Wang. "Our ret sex-crazed Laurier students outside. "It's says manager nothing" says them glaze in the robby. What a sight!" "we outside Wang, had 300 kids camped our winnebago What bunch. But be behind Forwell's this afternoon." a wacky soon they'll gone as

they tap the market mined by former teen throbs such as Indeed, Wang, his chum Tuff Wing, Dunn Wong, The Rollers and Donnie Wham!, Bay City and The Monkees. Danny Wung Weng are loving every Few Kids minute of it. "I think it was time just the light for a gloup rike us to Actually, there's lots to enjoy. come Limp Wang of Chinese The Few arong," says Wang. "There aren't many Oliental super-group Kids The group's second album, Wangin' Tough, has sold teen gloups that have whoresomeness." On The Block is in town Sunday for two sold-out 16 million on the of copies strength five hit singles, a from "Sure, we say we're the stleet, but we're not performances. sold-out tour, and a barter of fluids with friendly bodily hoodrums. We in just glew up a shitty envilonment. Johnny Deppe, Photo record executives. "We mothers and get glandmothers coming to our "I could And it is. see how we could become insanity It's conceited," Wang shows, too. pletty awful having to cart them all away "But we're instance, says. just so darn cool that we For Wang was trying to relax alone in his deserve to for dearing clack to the kidrings." have the babes clawl 25th-floor all over us. We revel heads." Atlanta hotel room before a concert keep recently. Few Kids if are on an egg roll, even they are cautious While all "I I around them, Kids' fans are thought heard voices," says Wang. about it. losing theirs.

Children's shows arouse perversion

no secret that we've all noticed were forced to remove the show. Rusty was found to the of television It's prevalence DOCTOR have suffered from violent and repeated acts of anal but what violence, about those sub- intercourse. His crushed and deformed body was liminal ties that TONGUE found stuffed in his sock, partially burned by the slide just past our fireplace. cognitive awareness? Studies by Russian Most puzzling though were the results drawn from psychologists have linked the climbing Mr. Dressup. Not only was Ernie Coombs suspected crime rates in North America to — what TELEVISION of kinky cross-dressing practices, but it was recently else -- Children's shows. discovered has by researchers that Casey undergone a

First on the list Room. was Romper They rea- sex change. Prior to 1984, Casey was a male. Now, if soned the that word "Romper" was linked to in- watch the rape, you show, Casey is a female. creased promiscuity among pre-teens, and transmis- Religious cults in the south-western United States sion of sexual diseases. Further, they blamed Doobie have recently adopted the Sesame Street theme. Play- for excessive of promoting misuse illegal substances. ing the music backwards revealed subliminal mes-

Allegations that the children on the televi- emerged sages provoking youth to engage in unnatural acts. In sion show adults with were actually stunted - of growth many these cults, the Count was made grand Im- a result of their drug from usage early ages. Their perial Ultimate Superior Being. Also, the Klu Klux lethargic nature on camera was also linked to Mumford Klan recently adopted The Amazing as

quaaludes. their Grand Wizard. Sesame St.'s Bob and friend. Next on the list was Gumby. No reasons were has in the CBC-PBS Something gone awry pro- given for the fact that their accept creators were in- size. in males also tied penis Aggressiveness was to gramming schedules. Certainly, discretion must be stitutionalized after broadcast. Apparently Gumby the Bird Penis drawn Big phenomenon. envy was exercised with your children. A new move should be was linked to excessive use of LSD. from females who watched the show. considered to rate children's programming in the Russian also psychologists attempted to make The Giant Friendly was believed to be the pri- same way movies are rated. connections with Their Big Bird. reasoning was he of Mutant mary source latent pedophilia and bestiality. Con- Teenage Ninja Turtles are still being in- caused severe depression in young males regarding tinually accused of violating his giraffe, broadcasters vestigated and reports are pending. The Laurier 18 Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990

METAL MUSEUM

LANCE BANNON SHOWBIZ By Snake Wilkins

Laurier Sun

Paris, Ontario is the new home for the World Heavy Metal

Hall of Fame, Paris Lionel announced Mayor Hampton yester- day.

"The town has been haven for long a smelly, greasy, ill- It seems that the Academy Award winning movie Driving Miss Daisy has been dressed "It time slobs," Hampton said, was just about we made banned in for Italy "sexually explicit scenes". The censorship bureau of the it official." deemed the movie government as not representing the public's interest and not Members of Heavy Metal bands Accept, Slayer, and Rick the tradition of fine Italian upholding cinematography. Instead, the government Astley were on hand for the celebrations following the Mayor's is re-issuing an alternate version entitled "My Stud Driver's Name Is Mario". It edict. is expected to be a steaming success. the of Paris are have Surprisingly, townspeople eager to the built. museum The sooner the slime get off the street and into a

where building they can be controlled and, God willing, cured the better, feel. Tammy Faye Bakker, wife of they No site has been allocated for the but in psychotic T.V. evangelist Jim Complex yet, the in- terim, works and memorabilia will be housed in that last bastion Bakker, attempted suicide yester- of the Paris District School. day by chemical poisoning. Al- good taste, High PDHS student Snatch Dunamn with the legedly, Mrs. Bakker tried to was very pleased town's decision. "It's he flush her head down the toilet right on, man!", growled. "Maybe now

we can some fuckin' eh bands in here and clear out those when her mascara and make-up get

mask poncy mod from the hall." began to dissolve. She was fags junior Also in the for the location canned found hours later by live-in bidding was Aylmer, veg-

etable capitol of Ontario. The committee were not satisfied with boyfriend Fred Savage (of the town's atmosphere, to with the "WONDER YEARS" fame) and deciding go walking vegeta- bles rather than the preserved kind. was admitted to St. Mary's of the Useless Miracle Hospital. She is expected out pending psychiatric analysis and facial treatment. TAKE A DRIVE UP THE OLD I Tammy Bakker's new beau?

Las entertainer Vegas Sammy Davis Jr., known for his radical changes of reli- has gious faith, recently joined Nazi Skinhead organization The National Front.

- - - joke ad 11 Davis was seen at a swanky Vegas eatery wearing cherry Doctor Martins and red suspenders. When on the issi Davis screamed "Get pressed , outta my face you pinko commie swine!".

On a lighter note, it seems that

Sylvester Stallone left Brigitte Nielson for a new love after all!

Inside reporters have found Sly spending an unusually lengthy

amount of time with Elvis Pres-

ley. It seems that The King is alive •MSjVßjg and well and living in Syl- vester's pleasure palace. Insiders

report that Sly has been shower-

ing the rock and roll legend with Miss-Dizzr

expensive toiletries and dresses.

The King and Sly were recently seen at a soiree I featuring Wayne MORGAN JESSICA DAN I Newton where The King was dressed in a stunning moon stone SEMEN leisure suit while RANDY ACRID Sly was sporting

a gold lame dress. It is rumored I HORNY BROS, presents that the two be may starring in a

movie based the life I a ZANY COMPANY together on production MORGAN SEMEN JESSICA RANDY DAN ACRID I Stallone and Elvis on-the-town. I and of Liza Minelli. DRIVING MISS DIZZY" PATTI LOOPY URETHRA FRANKLIN ■ screenplay BY FRANCIS FORD COPULATE based on his wet dream

directed by For video Rob Lowe will be BRUCE PARKEDFORD music composed BY HANS RIMMER buffs, releasing seventeen hours of never before seen home /ideos. will be available 1 all They May at available K-Mart stores EVENINGS AT 7:05 & 9:10 1 I HHH rar with of a purcha. e over $6. SUNDAY MATINEE AT 2:00 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 19

U2 drummer

goes solo

DUBLIN (IP) Larry Mullen Jr., drummer for popular Irish

rock band U2, announced today that he will be pursuing a solo

the band's "leave-of-absence" from career during recent

recording.

The project is Mullen's "most ambitious work yet," the

drummer said and is set to feature such gifted musicians as

Ringo Starr, Rush's Neil Peart, Phil Collins, Bill Bruford, and

the late John Bonham.

Mullen acts as "overseer and guide" to the recording and

that his contribution be heard in a tambourine says can daring

solo on the album's lead track. No tour dates have been an-

nounced.

ARNOLD PALMER'S

SUNset Babe

DAZZLING 21 is avid DEANO, an greens hacker with miraculous a ability to store golf balls where only he can find them. The only problem is retrieving them.

Blind rocker wins law suit

the rock OTTAWA (CP) -- One of strangest law suits in

history is drawing to a finish.

Blind Toronto guitarist Jeff Healey emerged from the courtroom today vic- with his and ICU Concert torious following a lengthy suit manager

Promoters.

Healey filed the suit in Sep-

tember, 1989 after learning that a be- concert which he was led to

lieve he performed at the Toronto

Skydome actually had him ap-

pearing in front of a half-dozen

students at Wilfrid Laurier Uni-

versity's student bar The Turret.

"If I had known I was playing

there," Healey said, "I would

never have bothered. There's a

big difference between 60,000

adoring fans and a handful of

pissed-up football players".

Keith Donaldson of

WLUSTU testified that the

promoter told him to place micro-

phones in front of the two popu-

lated tables in front of the stage to

emulate the effect of a large

crowd. When Healey asked for

the Skydome roof to be opened,

Donaldson was told to bluff it by

rotating a large fan above the per- Guitarist Jeff Healey. former. whose vi- Although Healey had a backup band members each had 20/20

on of plain sion, they were all pardoned from the conspiracy grounds stupidity. that he had Healey said that he was embarrassed and ashamed, thinking

the wool over played the concert of his career. "Those assholes really pulled

said in my eyes", the singer closing. 20 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990

MYLES A MAN? The Sun's Favourite

BURNABY, B.C. (CP) Canadian singer Allanah Myles is cruising up the U.S. charts with her debut al- Tune a mean end Talk bum but scandal may the of her career. Looney A plastic surgeon from Burnaby, B.C. claims that the curvacious Canadian is the product of the most

cunningly successful sex-change operation ever seen. Myles, Dr. Sven Robertson claims, is really MuchMusic VJ Christopher Ward who mysteriously went

missing just as Myles album was released. Znaimer stated that Ward is sabbatical his MuchMusic/City TV mogul Moses on concentrating on song- by Mr. Mojo Harris Phesnarus writing. in Viewers of Ward's video show City Limits constantly wrote to the show complaining that the VJ was a little light in the loafers. 10. Open Sagittarius? Open sasparella? Open A MuchMusic insider said that Ward confided that he was so frustrated that he could never make it in the saddlesoap? Saskatchewan? sesame? music business as a man. "All these babes are making it big because they show a little leg," the insider Open seppagenarian? Open Open claimed Ward said, "Well, I'll show them. I'll show them all!"

would the but her discreet and muffled her Myles not comment on operation groin-scratching burp gave 9. Arise Earl of Cloves, Sir Loin of Beef, Sir Osis of the

away. Liver,, Duke of Ellington, Count of Basie and worshter-

shistershostershester sauce.

Paula Abdul 8. Rabbit season! Duck season] Rabbit season! Duck sea-

son! Elmer season!!!

chases pussy 7. I'm feelin' mighty low.

6. Ouch ooch eech ooch ouch ooch ooch ouch eech ooch LOS ANGELES (AP) Singer/dancer/choreographer Paula Abdul is ouch ooch ohhhhhhhhhh.... ' embroiled in charges laid by Los Angeles police regarding the - *

strangest case of bestiality in history. 5. Don't never fear Robin Hood will soon be Muffin, known to Abdul's fans simply as 'the cat' in her latest you worry

hit video "Opposites Attract", claims that the singer seduced him here. '

and forced him into engaging in unspeakable acts with her. The cat

is devastated and claims that he will never work with a human 4.1 hate myself! I do! I do! I do! I do! (with hammer hit- being again. ting head). On the stand today the Cat, nicknamed 'Muff' by Abdul, broke

down and told the court about their clandestine meetings.

that was on 3. The Cat said Abdul turned by having a sexual part- Hello my darlin' hello my honey hello my rag time gsy ner who could lick his own privates. Abdul would only comment that her old boyfriend, Arsenio 2. Oh ho he's hidin' in the stove eh?! Hall, could do that also.

I'm 1. gonna pulverize this palooka with a perfect,

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THE SWAN LAKE ACCORD

Frustrated WLU Music students take 15hostages in Student Union Building

By Hanz und Franz Fontaine 3. Arias will be the official working language of the continue WLUSTU eliminating hostages, one every Laurier Sun Aird center. hour, until demands are met. Executions will be

carried out under the strains of 1812 4. One third of Tchaikovsky's Hordes of militant music students all WLUSTU BOD members are to be overture. chosen from a list submitted by the Music Students stormed the Student Union ear- Building Upon learning of this takeover, students began Association. lier this morning. After gaining control of Jump chants. Echoes of "Toss the assholes", could

5. One music be heard at U of W. Additional acts of student the building, the mutinous organization mandatory theory course for all new sup- FROSH entering WLU hereafter. port included the placement of into calling themselves the FLT (Front de la sharpened spikes the Quad, and burning of gel-covered effigies of Liberation de Tchaikovsky), presented If to these demands compliance are not met within prominent WLUSTU staff. the WLU administration with their 24 the FLT threatens throw hours, to one WLUSTU When asked for comment, Dr. J. Weird replied: member demands. out of the Turret into the Quad. will "FLT? They Oh, 0.K., but hold the mayo." be The group, not to confused with a deli-

sandwich, stated that in order to be a part of the WLU

community, specific changes would have to be made

in the Student Government. Of their numerous

demands, five were of particular importance to the

students. These include:

the Aird Center 1. Recognition of as a distinct musi-

cal entity. This would protect them from the tyranny

of the Business-oriented faculties.

2. Opting out of the athletic complex fee. Since jocks

don't appreciate good music, why should Music stu- Irate Music students fend off the administration during S.U.B. Takeover. dents support athletics.

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272 King St. N 886-5811 22 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 I IF Wayne Newton Exposed IT'S

The truth has finally come out. During a

closed conference press yesterday, Las demi-God A Vegas Wayne Newton announc-

ed shocked of to a group reporters that it

was not really him singing his smash hit and trade mark, Danke Schoen, but his "pet HERMA- doggy Petey."

This bizarre revelation was followed by NUNS WITH THE RUNS Newton lapsing into several minutes of im- PHRODITE itating his dog and a lengthy explanation of "Their habits are the original recording session. filthy

Aren't "He's such a cute doggy. you „don't announce dripping with Petey? Ruffthankyouforallthejoyand- laughs..." IL^ painbowwow. You'll really like him once it in Sun Classifieds. to know I'm will. you get him, sure you Ruff," said Newton schizophrenically. "A cheeky comedy." |*jjl His publicist later released that Newton Yeech! was in for tests at the Barky Ford Clinic. "So wacky you'll drop

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Chrispie Bugged By Drunks y^ITCHFORD

Visiting Balcony Aw, Dust Bunnies!

Another bitchy day

around. The victim becomes going literally so backlogged with data that he physically begins to in the neighbourhood look and act like an overloaded computer. In a

bit off than he could sense, Chip more process.

KITTY Computeritis is a serious disease that could be- in and Did you ever wake up the morning have the desire come terminal. The only to debug Chip is to way to bitch at everything? Happens to me everyday (that's how him as a student. There are several reprogram I earn my living). on could him places campus you take to: Comput- All About Animals It's not my fault, everything just seems to happen to me, ing Services, UT&T, the Library. There are off and I'm going to share what would be a sleep-inducing professionals as but rather campus well, they're on dinner anecdote at any table with the whole of Metro Laurier DEAR KITTY: the expensive side. in a vain attempt to bring some sort of meaning to my If all else of fails, try giving him a boot. Do you know any way to keep drunks off an otherwise drab life.

In the warm weather I like to apartment balcony? I wake up in the morning and my radio station is staticky DEAR KITTY: door to enjoy the keep my balcony open evening so I have to listen really hard to the news instead of just Doing some this I breeze but I don't want to have to feed an spring cleaning weekend, it filter army. letting through my sleepy ears. noticed that the dust bunnies that took from They're cute and all, and some of them are even refuge I stuck the toilet with toilet and the my get on no paper nearest the cruel winter winds underneath bed had had friends, but you have to draw the line somewhere. my roll is in the closet outside the door. a productive and I -- season. They now am Not a pizzeria multiplied I go to find some clean underwear in my drawer and the if proud, somewhat dubious, owner of two hun- there's none left. dred and DEAR NOT A PIZZERIA: twenty-seven feisty dust bunnies. They're Life's a bitch, isn't it?

nice ~ affectionate pets quiet and ~ but they tend to You're right. Drunks, friends or not, may be I'm school and I realize I'm So, on my way to as five but induce nightmares reminiscent of cute they're also a strain on the uncomfortably budget. They're minutes away from ny house and fifteen minutes away from Australia. Unfortunately, no student is a continent also a persistent species, being mostly wild as op- school that I've forgotten my you-know-whats. and neither is my bedroom. There's not posed to domesticated. Food is not so much just enough I a prob- I get to school and go to get a coffee from the coffee space for them all. At this rate, I'll have as the eat (227)! by the lem, they're probably only ones who'll lady in the Concourse and I burn my tongue on scalding leftover the time next spring rolls around. your KD and spam. liquid. My only concern is what to do with the bunnies. Far worse is a disoriented drunk tearing around And people wonder why I bitch. I can't bear to think of them in the Humane an and waiting ruin apartment, knocking over things climbing As I was saying, even the smallest things can what to the walls. If that should close Society be sucked up by a callous, cold-blooded happen, all doors but would have otherwise been a good day in a good week in a the it vacuum cleaner if them. Also, how one got in through and well out of the nobody adopts month of miserable life. stay good of a good year a goddamned can I them from I way. Eventually, the creature will find its stop multiplying so can continue way out But on to other things. Like The Boy. ritual without fear. again. Never to corner my yearly spring cleaning try it, you'll find it has a He is the center of my universe, my reason for being, but

bite. — Hare-ied on Albert St. nasty I can bitch about him too. As I do, and how.

Make an knows I'm your balcony inhospitable place by He never exactly what thinking or feeling, DEAR HARE-lED: noisily shooing away any squirrel you see, and and that bugs me. It's like he'll look at me like I'm crazy don't food in If you don't want to relinquish problems to put any out cold weather (feed them your when I tell him to leave me alone because I'm in a really in the bar the Humane Society, the best thing to do is to make instead). If the rascals persist, have a bitchy mood.

dust bunnies a novelty much like rats were a heavy-duty screen doorinstalled. pet, I don't know, maybe I just can't deal with things, but

few years ago. Who would want to own a dust when I have to write these columns with deadlines that give

bunny, ask? Well, it's a matter of dif- DEAR KITTY: you product consideration schedule that makes me no to my at all, bitchy. Dust bunnies In ferentiation. are quiet, to care bitchin' January, I acquired a first year roommate. I easy If you don't like today's column, don't come to in took him to Health Services since for, undemanding terms of attention, affectionate I noticed his eyes me. and turned require very little cost. Using a price skimming (originally brown) grey, he only answered method, you could probably them off at "affirmative", "negative" or "does not compute" to pawn I $47.95 each, netting $10,884.65 costs to anything asked, and his head began to take on a you (no account for). This would general block-ish shape. put you through another Since it year at Laurier. As for next spring, consider clean- definitely wasn't a cold or a case of

ing early, just in time for a nice relaxing pregnancy, there was nothing Health Services could Reading do for him. Week somewhere down south. The possibilities are takes I'm the end of endless, all it is a little entrepreneurial spirit at my rope. Is it just me, or do all lot of first and a connections. Remember, there's one years byte? born second. -- Troubled About Chip Percy Unter every

Please address animal DEAR TROUBLED: any queries or com-

Sounds like ments to me, Kitty, at The Laurier Sun. a definite case of the computer bug

Dust bunnies may

make cute pets, but

they infringe upon already cramped

living quarters.

[Ed's note: See

related story on cramped living

quarters pg. 29.] 24 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990

NHL Wrestling Baseball Scottish Brian The season's over Mac Nee Jays 0 Flying Fathers 24 wins lose beats Warrior Quebec you Penguins 2 Armpits 14

Aquatic Fencing Girl Chasing Waffles 2 Helmets 2 Sports three killed Skirts caught Pant 16 7 Legs Bugs

"NEVER MIND THE BUTTOCKS"

By ALLAN LEE

Laurier Sun

"Never mind the buttocks, Grovelling", was the phrase Athletic

Director Rich Newbrough barked to hockey coach Wayne Grovelling

last week in the inferiority Complex. reformed Our trusty and snoopy Laurier Sun reporter and in securityNflashlight ace A 1 Lee overheard those very words a con- versation outside of Highbrough's office between Grovelling and the incident that last week's Athletic ban- Big Jocko over an happened at

variation of used album cover the quet. The phrase, a a once by

famed Sex Pistols, was directed at Grovelling over a few words he ut-

tered towards the females in attendance during a pre-awards speech.

He said to the whole crowd that there were some "pretty fine looking

ladies here tonight".

Grovelling who could not be reached for comment, was also heard

" outside his office by Lee saying that he would have said I wonder what they look like under those dresses, but that would have been too

much I think and may have upset a few people—maybe". Lee thought

lus the thai he saw Grovelling talk to some of players at time in his

office but couldn't verify who exactly Grovelling was talking to.

"You never know what you'll hear walking outside peoples' of-

fices at the A.C. I just love it Sometimes you can tell the coaches them outside that you aren't from the paper and quote anyway—just

great." said an elated Lee. " would best what he Yep..l say A 1 is my reporter judging by digs

Ya his is still little and he can't move his left up. sure eye a blurry his football hand all the way from the last time Highbrough got has learn can't players to beat the shit out of him, but he to you just

get caught snooping outside some ones' office—he's learned." said Sun Sports Editor Owen Highlife.

Highbrough said in an interview with Lee over the incident. "You

I know one day Waynes' going to say something really stupid and am

not out. going to be there to bail him I love the guy but hell, does he

cheer- ever get me in trouble sometimes, like the time with the

want leaders...oh scratch that, Wayne wouldn't me to tell you that its off... one." When asked about the relation to the Sex Pistols album cover Hev, almost Swimmers tussle and Grovelling, Highbrough just said, "Well hell, I was just listening during competition at the 'Swimsuit Removal' portion of the Miss and I Laurier to 'God Save the Queen' from the 'Pistols in my office guess Pageant held at the A.C. last week. Here last year's winner Bertha Pegglegg is mind when I that was the first thing on my was talking to successful in getting the off of U of T gitch spy Michelle Fatbottom. how did know about that." Ringo...wasn't really anything. Hey you

Curly, Lemon, Trot' Back From Drugs

By DIETER BROCK The team will be led elude two female by returning players who are cur- discovered was tape her breasts down Laurier Sun veterans Meadowlark Lemon and on the roster and in before haven't discussed it Curly rently playing third every game. I Due to their outstanding performance Neal who have both recently come out of world countries. Head coach Barney with Caroline and Nadine yet, but I'm this season against the Gen- Washington rehabilition from drug and alcohol de- Rubble said that both Caroline 'Sweet sure they won't object." erals, the Harlem Globetrotters have pendencies. Both of the had players Thighs' Phillips and Nadine 'Chesty' Asked about the third world games, received a bid into next year's NCAA found themselves in financial trouble Watson are valuable assets to the team Lemon replied; "We know it smells and basketball tournament, officials said and decided that another and year with the great in bed. but the Globetrot- The Globetrotters everyone's poor, we, Tuesday. a in- " sported team would be beneficial. What comes to mind is the to great cult ters, will give the people a chance credible 110 wins-5 losses throughout "One of them things might be difficult film of the 1970's 'Fast Break' while." with the forget about their problems for a the 1989-1990 season while touring to to handle is the basketball." award to orange academy winning actor Abe The team has sent out a warning over forty countries. Meadowlark stated. "Wees' all used to where Kaplan Abe was faced with the the other teams travelling Official word reached the early sixty-three players with them playing groovy red, white and same I He had female problem am. a to New Orleans Wednesday morning in India where they next year: blue balls. Shit, I wees have guess gonna player on his team who a role played key "We have and afraid are set to begin a three-week stint in that guns aren't to use ta play hard." in the state championship." said them". country's major towns and villages. winning UNLV, watch out! Problems facing the Globetrotters in-. Rubble. "What' she did to avoid being l'lie Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 25

GEORGE'S NATIONAL HOCKEY LEAGUE

GROSS-OUTS

Corporate Sports Editor NORDIQUES WIN CUP! Spitting, sweat,

By THE BROWN DOG sumo wrestling Laurier Sun HOCKEY NOTEBOOK— -CHECK POINTS-

APRIL 4: Toronto wins their opener 1-0 over St. MAY 8: In the Conference the are Louis Brad Campbell final, really gross when Marsh converted on a tic-tac-toe with John Kordic and Brian passing play Curran. Toronto Maple Leafs their completed sweep of the Leafs coach Doug Carpenter, unable to decide Jets as Tie Domi did Winnipeg all the scoring in a which of his three netminders 3-0 The to play, opted to Toronto win. Leafs had still not allowed This week's Gross-Out's come from around the wide world of a dress all three and rotate them at 5 minute intervals, goal against at this point, and Tom Fergus led the sports. often having them on the league with a +/- of +21 know I change fly. The success of rating in eight games. You what find is really gross... at the Maple Laff this prompted other teams to do likewise. MAY 15: In seven of the Gardens—the floor plan game Wales Conference sticky on your way to the can. Last week while APRIL 5: Just before their finals, Quebec ousted game with the Hartford the Islanders despite a covering the Laffs at The Nude House of Wacky Hockey Laffs, I had strong the Boston series Whalers, Bruins announced that they by noted New York goal Mick to make a in the in the men's scorer deposit trough room. Well on my way had traded their Adams Vukota. This Division title to the Quebec saw a centre-ice feet so that I had to and clean game lengthy tag- my got sticky stop them off with a nap- Nordiques for a third-rounder in '94. team battle as Pat Lafontaine kin. Much and Hubie to my chagrin, there was a whole plethora of filth tacked APRIL 8: Dave Chicago's "Charlie" Manson McDonough were manhandled by Guy Lafleur and on the bottom of my shoes, everything from those little plastic things goes an entire without in Paul who that stir coffee with game getting a fight. Chicago Romanuk, was recently picked up from you your to somebody's half eaten hot dog. I was the loses as Helmut Balderis rifles home hat- TSN Tornados of the Global out, but didn't the anyway a Hockey League. grossed waste opportunity to enjoy a freebie trick in his THE leading charges to a 3-2 win. FINALS: Well, I all remember courtesy of my fellow hockey fan, I ate it and used the stir stick for suppose you APRIL 11: Buffalo's Rick Vaive and Mike this one clearly. The seven series between my coffee.... game Toronto and who Foligno go missing before game four versus Quebec saw every single game into The hockey players spit and blow their nose on the ice with go Montreal. overtime, with the Nobody cares. player/coach Robbie Ftorek camera pointed at them...you know with one finger on one nostril APRIL 13: Washington's Dino Ciccarelli eventually netting the winner. The series has like the good old boys do on the farm...Major League Baseball engages cup in a wild incident with been revered world-wide who scratch their while the stick-swing Viacheslav as the greatest hockey players groins at plate during an afternoon Fetisov, Aleski and ever played. One small broadcast on national t.v...d0 Kasatonov, Sergei Starikov of consolation for the Leafs they have some sort of crabs or some- the Devils. The which Brian Curran bloody incident, saw the four was picking three assists in the thing ?...Watching baseball players spit chewing tobacco at the up final receive a total of 729 stitches, was hailed by Don game to eUge oui uie iNoraiques L>ann Kimoie plate...Having to watch people wipe the sweat of off the basketball in the Cherry as "the best thing that's happened to hockey playoff scoring race. court during a cut in the action at an NBA game...who carries those in Ciccarelli claimed the Russkies MAY 31: In another ten years." were yet questionable move by towels around after the wiping and what do they do with them ? They had the "picking on me, I to do something." No Quebec management, traded the off the counters at concession stand where Nordiques dry the you put your arms were assessed as referee Fraser was Stanley Cup to Los for and the who penalties Kerry Angeles $100 rights to rest...European soccer players practically make love to fellow busy fixing his hair at the time keeper's bench and to Barry Beck. after a are players scoring goal...what they sexually repressed or do Whatever. missed the whole affair. See you next year. they just love the smell of each other? In the 1988 Olympics at Seoul, Korea watching Ben Johnson's and Carl Lewis's armadillos shaking in their shorts while joke ad they run. Women's volleyball shorts...old lady's Tired ? Lonely ? what ? underwear or The BaldShopPresents Changing at the annual down to triathalons...stripping 'How's your Got a Hundred bucks Father' right beside their equipment, er.. bikes. in your pocket ? Wisper 2000

Gross Out of the down to Week: Sumo Wrestling...sweaty disgusting slobs Then come on each other Our safe and belly-bucking wearing only leather padded g-strings. the Laurier Center new easy Gross!!! for Diseased Cronies and That concludes this week's week for hair gross-outs, see you next an- replacemant buy a couple other edition of George's Gross Outs.

Next Week: The Animal Kingdom. Animals that have been squashed

on our nations highways and and the to byways consequences young hair, so does jj/like my new children's sports.

' m \ Tony Leadlemeyer -

My fiaCfbrother claims its the

Best, did , ~jjMHKT so I it too!

I l\ -«»•** H IB C ■ 112( reofli/ t/le hair on,

■r*: jTNM B*w *- A

e7' m tfU rian

glue system keeps

hair on the head, all the time I \ about bald At the Bald Shop you'll never worry being

- 26 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990

tioned about his actions Bundy company's chief scientists has | y replied that time was needed to recently discovered that the pink come with a new name for the up in all is gum included packets football franchise in Ottawa. It lead both addictive and may to attention was brought to Bundy's and forms a pregnancy milky that there is a team out west with after chew- SPORTSFLASHES paste around the lips the same name A 1 Bundy has . ing. suggested that the team be renamed the King Kong Bundys □ DC

due to the recent acquisition of ■pm ■ ■ n ■ Bulls forward Michael Jp. BRIEFLY... ex-members of the World Chicago many after Federation. The CFL Jordan was found missing Wrestling jjm ' mM the NBA team for nearly board of directors has not made from HMLaI turned 30 of three weeks. Jordan up KIRSANOV K.O'ed. any final decisions as yet. miles off the coast of Cyprus in Ivan Kirsanov, the Russian CCD what team officials called a 'real- chess whiz was knocked out dur- weird situation.' Jordan who HAWK TRADES COOPS. ly JHHHk - . r. ing the opening minutes of the _ vacation fly- beloved Wilfrid Laurier was on disappeared World Full-Contact Chess The m ** the Bermuda Triangle Golden Hawk mascot handed in ing over '*&f^^Hs Championships in Istanbul yes- York and will report to the New his last week after al- ■ v -- terday. The elderly Kirsanov was resignation Islanders farm team in In- fIHBI ■ that the Hawk had been blinded with a flurry of rights legations in the IHL for con- St. dianapolis from Canadian as the Aigle young Don moonlighting ditioning. Center Pat Lafontaine Restaurant Chicken. Lalond, a relative newcomer to Bleu's will join the Bulls in Jordan's The declined to answer to the game of chess. Lalond stated Hawk since flown place. that he hoped his boxing ability the charges and has Boston Bruins have acquired him of this off to Moncton, New Brunswick. would carry to top Vancouver Canucks forward year. Trevor Linden for a slow and GUM ORGASM

□ □ □ old center. A spokesperson for the O- Philadelphia Flyers released Rick i7i/*T*THI/f'r/ irWri'^l GEE-WHIZ baseball card ROUGH RIDE IN CFL. compa- ' 'the Pocket' Tocchet, younger CFL president A 1 Bundy has has stated that warnings will ny Rocket' brother of Maurice 'the R&Ar have reported that some changes be placed on all baseball card Tocchet Harold Snipits acquired *3/ PER CALL. TOLL CHARGES APPLY OUTSIOE 410 AREA CODE, be made to before the 1990-1991 packets issued after May Ist, Salami TOUCH T9N6 PHOMESiONfcYJ* .* -A ..A and Borje . A CFL season begins. When ques- 1990. Bobby Stewart, one of the

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SUMMER SUBLET: - great people, of them. But, my sister, oyr friendship presents BACH St. John Passion call Gary 746-7466. (exp.), THE 742- great location, great balcony!!! Call doesn't end here, I'll visit, then I'll write with the K-W Symphony, Howard CLERICAL ADVANTAGE: 725-1005 725-1000. 0657. Word or and then I'll stand up for you! Hope Dyck, Conductor. Good Friday, April processing, resumes, ap- AMAZING SUMMER JOB!!! BE A Al continues make 13th the Cptn. to you at 8:00pm at the Centre in plication letters, essays, reports, print- CREW CHIEF/PAINTER IN SUBLET: for 5 etc. SUMMER Co-op, min. happy. Good luck in the fight for na- Square. Tickets: 578-1570. ing, flyers, sings, banners, ST.CATHARINES/N-O-T-L. GOOD from WLU, room for 3, $150/mth. It's tional. Love, the one who has a friend CASH, EVEN BETTER TAN! CALL Call Cassandra 884- got everything! named John. P.S. "Take a mes- WATERLOO'S POTTERS WORK- Word Processing Services. Term DANA (416)646-4216. 0107. SHOP SPRING Letter sage!". SALE, Friday May 11, papers, reports, resumes, etc. 1990 from 6-9pm; Sat. May 12, 1990 quality at competitive rates. Word Per- SUBLET May 1/90 to Aug. 31/90. Two CANADIAN TIRE NEEDS FULL from 10-4pm. Hillard Hall, First United fect 5.0. Call 746-5217. B2 CONRAD: Good luck on all your old 4 bedroom apartment with 2 TIME SUMMER HELP: We offer year Church oKamo. Don't bo toooooo hard (King&William). Free admis- 1 lL >wiuiMii< oiuUyin' — . r.■s«%eas- »w r towyitut? your post- and sion. WORD PROCESSING: parking. Located on Ezra St. now. Have a super duper summer. Theses, es- secondary studies; full time employ- Letter Please call 746-8620 or 746-4564. See next Ciao for says, resumes, etc. quality ment for this summer....starting ASAP; ya year! now, Responsible people need only call. Anoushka. printer. Spellcheck. On campus pick- continuing employment through the typing/word processing Call school up, delivery. Reasonable rates. year if you wish; a wide variety MIKE & Sharon 656-3387 after SUMMER SUBLET to share a double LESLEY: Good luck. I hope spm. of jobs....and we'll provide on the job _ will WORD PROCESSING: room in you always be happy in whatever fast, accurate, furnished, new apartment. training. We now to are preparing relo- WORDS FOR MONEY: FAST WP smin. walk from WLU, close you do. Thank for al! the will make spelling minor grammar cor- to Tim cate to our brand new Canadian Tire you and DTP service for reports, rections. Laser essays, rent 725- Store memories, especially at Hickory last (English grad) printer. Horton's, negotiable. Call on Fairway Rd. in June 1990. resumes and newsletters. Cost $2.25 1005. year. XXXOOO Liza. Call Suzanne at 886-3857. We are looking for energetic, per page (double spaced, 12 point enthusiastic people who would enjoy NLQ text). Free pick-up/drop-off in K- IT'S NO IMPROVE YOUR GRADE! SUMMER JOKE AL, you're the Top quali- SUBLET: room in working in this exciting new environ- single W. Phone 742-4315 7 days a and anytime. greatest. Happy 27th! I'll see ty typing, grammar spelling cor- furnished, Close ment. You will be for you new apartment. to all eligible our week. smoothed. Univer- normal benefits and soon...can we make it two days in- rected, sentences amenities, on 4 bus routes, near you may qualify

- stead - of just one when get sity area 885-5952. St. Jacob's for We need full time you King/University. Rent negotiable, call ProfitSharing. TYPING OF ALL KINDS. Reasonable home?? Three? and time Six?...With much 664-3374. 725-1392. part applicants....for the sum- rates. Call 578-0961 love, Sherri. and mer long term. If you are inter-

"WORDS" - Professional typing ser- wanted ested in in help joining our team this excit- WORD PROCESSING SER- TO MY GREAT vices offered 7 Work ROOMIES at "Albert days/week. guar- ing venture, please apply in person VICES...SEE AD ON PAGE 26 FOR Street"...Rita, Dana, Michelle and anteed. Call 746-6746. P/U & delivery JOBS FOR SUMMER in North NOW, see Garry Johnston, Canadian DETAILS...746-5217. Debbie. You guys have helped make available. Toronto! with student painters. Com- Tire Store, this a great year for me. Thanks. And 925 St. Kitchener. petitive wage. Outdoors. Contact King East, to Janet, my pseudo-roomie...same Sean at 576-0564. THE NUDE thing to you!! COLUMN OF

SUMMER JOBS: Available in personals North PHOTO'S FOR SALE in WLUSP Toronto. If outside WAACKKYY CLASSIFIEDS you enjoy working Photo Dept., all sizes that have been and like sizable ALONE with paycheques, Crew in the Cord all o your unplanned preg- year. O Q Q o

crV" a-T" uX (j-y ijX — Chief and Painter positions are avail- nancy? Call Birthright 579-3990. We offer GREEN EYES: Have fun with able with Student Painters. For more support and can dis- your I used) help you r>\/CDQ I AM E FOR SALE: one brain (slightly nerds. I am finally leaving LW Vtlw L./~\lNt_ Cord information call Mike at 725-1273. cover your options. you. Recently removed from the has Exotic Editor's not that lingerie, novelties, games, lo- head, anyone LANDSCAPE WORKERS NEEDED: tions and much MUCH noticed. Best will if neces- E.J ju more. Have a offer; certify

™ no experience necessary, good party. CONTACT CORD STAFF, 2nd sary. I'd walk home and then some. flexible hours, for more in- you anytime... floor SUB. wages, ' jT formation call Sean at 886-8157. "— PHONE FANTASY * * * I'M LOOKING for a little fox with , o sexy . whom can frollick with. 1 -800"STRT-LWS CAMP OUAREAU (girl in I I enjoy skinny *X camp P.S. Am fj\ I offensive? and nude being dipping If have l Laurentians of Quebec): female tanning. you l-l \A/|Q similar interests, please contact me at I V +1+ counselors and instructors for „ ji„i, tennis, $3 call, donated to dick the cot. TO BERNI, Here's a BABY, I'm forward 75 Ave per to great summer. looking to seeing University W. Box 000, Wat. wind surfing, canoeing, swimming, Your cousin!! Next do Ont. N2L 3C5. you again. time let's dinner, STRAIGHT MALE of seeks arts and crafts. Also teachers for 53 years dancing, and what drinking ever else same for intimate conversations and E.S.L. and F.S.L. Bilingual Secretary. TO ALL THE CORDIES I'VE EVER want to do! You be dis- BELLY BUTTON LOVERS: you wont If your an long term relationship. Call 1-519-BlG- Working knowledge of second lan- WORKED WITH: You're For added ex- appointed! always and forever.... "inny" please call 884-1316; if your an BUCK. guage necessary. Send C.V. to citement, late and alcoholism me. "outy" please call 884-1970. nights, _ , _ r-n Madelene Allen, 29 Summer St. Len- to my university career. Dinner? My QUALITY SINGLES JIM IG4 or call 819- noxville, Que. on place Sunday?? 10% - SAFETY BRIEFS: As you read about Save Mention this ad En joy //fe wjfh fhe r jght them in Campus Magazine - top quali- Portner. Call the most TO DISH AND To the best STRIP-A-GRAM MO: 2 bud- ty underwear with discrete condom c dies have ever with. in I partied May you pouch. Available in white or blue Call Karen Gordon a RESIDENT STUDENT looking for a A $^ l^lmat^fn be successful whatever S/M/L/XL. Send $5.95 to the K-W WLUSU. at you end up sizes + pst at 884-1316. vW region, parking space close to campus. If in- JHJ I'll doing. see you at Grad weekend. Diomo PO box 3105 Cambridge Ont. Visa terested in renting out a spot, please and Master Card Accepted Get results today!! Liza. N3H 4SI. call Heike at 884-4682. ￿ # Call 884-1316. The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 29 New HOMES

Thinking of moving? You're not alone."

The trend Laurier be growing at seems to WLU STUDS UNITE OFFICES the "move up" buyer, the home renter seeking larger, more luxurious and Location: 2nd floor of the Studs Unite Building comfortable Rent: Must do a bit of housing. work for WLUSU, i.e. head a

While her locker is not somewhere committee, do some volunteer work; best offices she'd (view- and space-wise) if be ashamed to bring friends to, it's elected president or vice- president. "getting a bit on the overcrowded side" Risk: Very nominal, just to be keener Josephina Student admits. pretend a

[Ed.'s note: you could even win a Volunteer's Award Joe Student (no relation to Josephina) doing this!]. echoes the sentiment as he desperately tries Perks: Free coffee and spring water. to shove his couch/bed back into his

I locker. "Last year lived in a half-locker. I

I don't know how I did it. Now find even a full locker is just not enough." WLU STUDS PUB OFFICES When asked where he will Student go,

and he has (Joe) shrugs mysteriously says Location: 2nd floor of the Studs Unite Building to check out his options before committing Rent: Must do a bit of work for WLUSP, i.e. type himself. some cut and tell copy in, paste, everyone your views Not a to let students lie, paper sleeping on any topic especially if they don't want to know the Laurier Sun delved further to discover best offices them; again if hired to a position - but an Underground Housing Office of Ontario this requires too much work and they're so laid back located in there (UHOO) a secret location. Being up they'd never know. sworn to I cannot reveal the Risk: None, just act like secrecy, you belong there and whereabouts of the office. Suffice it will just assume you come wun me place, to say, everyone like the furniture and the computer terminals. it exists. Besides, I was blindfolded. Perks: Use of refrigerator (featured in foreground), Under the guise of a despondent home free pizza Tuesday nights (as long as you can run seeker, I obtained some facts and figures faster than the photo department). and even managed to smuggle some photos and descriptions of luxury housing at Laurier.

Did know that 102% of Laurier's you

is dissatisfied with their population present TV LOUNGE living quarters and wish to upgrade their situation. But, naturally, with students the Location: 2nd floor of Studs Unite Building number one concern is that of cost. With Rent: Forced to watch all Soap Operas, Talk Shows the UHOO is system, however, money not and Game Shows. No other expenses. an object or even a factor. Risk: None, since no one can challenge your right to Most places obtained UHOO through be here: this is the only 24 hour place designated by involve minimal to no cost. There's only Laurier. the finder's fee, which varies with the risk Perks: Comfortable chairs, all day TV (eventually and location factors. else has to you will control what everyone watch),

close So take a look below and if find comes to visit to restroom you everyone you, facilities and the Games Room. contact UHOO anything you like, your But agent. hurry, places are going fast and"

don't you want to get stuck at Cockroach

Towers for another year.

UNDERGROUND TUNNELS

Location: Between buildings.

Rent: Must wait until after 10 pm (nightclasses) to

hang out at home. Other than that, no cost involved.

Risk: Medium, since cleaning staff may become

suspicious. They operate between 11:22 and 11:47

take pm so a washroom break then.

Perks: You'll love in when it's raining cuz it's the

only basement apartment you'll ever get that doesn't

flood of minimal furniture or get damp. Lots space,

have clothes and other (you may to rent a locker for

essentials). 1990 30 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5,

-*

Ifou're a WS M KJM C rized re °reject PlO JfiX By Ace Auerback

H SEP OCT NOV DEC. B JAN FEB MAR APR MAY JUNE JULY AUG

stuff ■ Need to store your ;

! for the summer ? S

; We can help ! I j 893-2222 j 'Avjl ■ Share space NOV ; your AUG. SEP OCT J3AN~ FEB MAR APR MAY JUNE JULY ■ with a friend ! S HOW TO ABUSE YOUR CHART:

dots each readouts. Locate your month of birth. The on graph highlight your bioreject

for and Check the scales on the left or right your Intellectual, Emotional, Physical

factors.. From 1 to 5. Add these three numbers to determine what degree of a

Bioreject you are.

810 RE JEX readout:

Go back t0 bed! Nothin will g° right toda y- You 0-5 Loser Cycle- g $50 lost to find discover you thought you'd only

your bank account is overdrawn by $200.

Things are looking up! Don't that new ven- CVCIe- worry 5 10U OK ' lose ture will probably fail but at least you won't

everything and have to pan-handle like last time.

jruu ve graduated 44 ac r\.«■!;•*a to solid foods. ... Congratulations come from all

your university peers. • ■ Receive a 10% discount

SUN Weather £ this upon presenting ad.j

\student" go HOME ;

; CHEAP BECAUSE: |

hi. ] ( HOH.C rne. owe* Due. |

i .ACe.on.THE. Milk (LotfrivMS*.) I

sent A University of Waterloo student who prefers anonymity

her for home - and we sent ■ us good reason going (Cheap!)

voucher for free return on our her a a trip anywhere system.

| To all the students who sent in their wild and wonderful

- and to all those who travelled Coach ■ postulations, by Gray |

Thanks!

i i Gray Coach

PENDING MONSOON!

I *■ |

TONIGHT: 73% chance of sunset.

■

Sun rise sometime the if we're Too hard to washroom. And TOMORROW: may during day, lucky. predict A reclining seat. Air conditioning. A

able tell sometime next week. else drive. now, we'll be to | somebody to

Building Stvdent Union Info Centre, Student Union \ it How about SATURDAY: Might be sunny. Might be raining. Then again, may snowstorm. Telephone 884-5210 for while. J hail, haven'thad that one a . The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990 31 YOU

SAID IT

By TIM WANKER

What are you going to do Guy Smiley Tom Amtoo if the Ballard adminis- Interior Decorator Coach

tration raises tuition fees? I'd I think Right away I would

sit-ins at his switch universities — Asked along University Ave. organize aesthetically- probably somewhere

pleasing office! like York U.

Don Morgantaler Biff Strathdee Guido and Mario Bryan The White

Doctor Publisher Lounge Lizards Software Pirate

Re-locate Convince the Board my We wouldn't care Byte his hard-drive of "psychology" prac- Governors t0... 'cuz we're bros and off with my modem. tice elsewhere. gulp... ask John we're sooooo fuck-

Weird to come back. ing coooooool!

MELVINANDSLOBBES

ACROSS DOWN

I the guy with the big 1 psych prof that wins every teaching ears that runs WLU award that's handed out here 7 ziggy zacka, ziggy zacka, 2 campus bar where you can get

K 8 highly moralistic stuaenis wnu m VV^ c 3 colouWhrgh s"cnoo!rsn with were upset panty raiders oido of Arte and Science Building Jeff Walters reads 9 offices where 4 Joyce and Edcil want parity .

the daily newspaper a 5 campus bar where you can get describe former 10 word to half-hour beer in about a Office receptionist in Registrar's 6 shape of the Atrium (the lobby, that grads II piece of jewelry not the fish wrap) afford to can't buy to not 13 people who pay $400 would stand in stuff wish Weir 12 you in a job are . word get 13 last two letters of the "s" 14 Bruce Hodges and Barry Gervin like in the Cord that Weir doesn't are . for another 17 Strathdee returning 15 what WLU had while Peter Tron he must be drugs. year means was gone (2 words) will travel Auerbach has one, 18 like 19 rez students to what 20 that old decor is gone, now decorato derwear at the Turret makes puke word that you 20 first two letters of a test that every CHESTERFIELD 21 placement Dr. Weir doesn't like in the Cord over frosh writes while hung 22 people who pay $200 to not get where you find as many 24 building in a job are . suits as big egos (initials) Leblanc 23 hometown of Bryan 25 word that doesn't mean no and Keith Donaldson at Queen's in residences his 27 Stuart Lewis will put tongue does in Wilf's 26 what Janet Eisler words here if you're not careful (3 for good money the 29 along with History 398, students who did absolutely 28 8 best place to sleep on campus were the, nothing this year . 30 Rusty McLay's initials word has it that John Weir is 32 31 brown stuff that won't grow at at making very good • the base of the Turret elevator SEX unto others as they would ]jt 34 33 whose teacher's college the chance unto if they had you application was accepted should feed those told 35 what you Atrium was V It is a good thing, this sex, this scragging 37 what the like horses I who eat pizza couldn't solicit It is more fun than jogging or logging! they famous Mash was a students that 36 Sour 40 what Ist year biz We seek it here, we seek it there, Laurier . don'tmake the cut take This of hair, income unit (acronym) glorious meshing pubic 38 basic 41 the department that shows all to what Stuart Lewis does This divine intermingling of organs and lips, 39 those neat films (acronym) words all of Weir's the conditionof Al This fiery lust that rocks our hips. 43 lot 42 their lips a jocks move Strathdee's armpits Even if the bed squeaks and creaks, when do this they 48 university with the Bth best-paid We could for weeks and weeks, to go 44 best place on campus expose profs in the province exams Till virgin roommates and friends complain vitals, worst place for your 50 the only way Dining Hall I the eyebrows of many That too much screwing has warped our brains. 45 the way hamburgers could taste worse would look best lot of I profs the card that costs you $20 to It really is a fun, 52 46 research assistant (acronym) lose it replace if you Even with a thick old condom. Cord big 47 Weir's opinion of the

so far this year

Neville Evel Knievel 49 The Atrium publishes on times each average three _•

' and Rich 51 home of 15 cent wings

Newbrough's favourite soup

53 concrete thing outside CTB that wheelchair lr would kill anyone in a 32 The Laurier Sun, Thursday April 5, 1990

Grappling SUNDAY, Gordon

Bruised MARCH Hedges Big 24,1991 Bossßupercop IN

Big THE John WRESTLEMANIA Stud

Al "The AIRD-DOME, Animal" VII Steel 4:00