Felix Oﬃce up of Grabs from the Hoﬀ Page 24

Elizabeth Town – pages 14-15 Hit or Snooze? page 17 NUDITY WARNING Pembridge posse naked centrefold

Intersting things found in the Felix oﬃce up of grabs from The Hoﬀ page 24

FREE No 1334 Thursday 10 NOVEMBER 2005 The student newspaper of Imperial College felixonline.co.uk felix This isn’t school,

CollegeSir annouces Richard! draconian dress code Rupert Neate Editor

Imperial College have announced a strict dress code for its students and staff. Failure to comply could result in students being “removed from the College’s premises”. The dress code states that “at all times while on campus staff and students must wear their College iden- tity cards”. On top of this employees and students are told to “refrain from wearing clothing that obscures the face such as a full or half veil, hooded tops or scarves worn across the face”. The rationale behind this is that it will “maximise our [College’s] chances of detecting the presence of anyone who shouldn’t be here”. According to Imperial, this dress code has been implemented “in light of security concerns raised by the terrorist incidents which occurred over the summer”. The ruling appears to be quite unenforceable as there are numerous entrances to the College, and there is a public right of way straight through the middle of College along Imperial College Road, connecting Queens Gate to Exhibition Road. It is clear that College also have doubts about the enforceability of the ruling. An Imperial spokesperson told Felix, “It’s not a question of it being enforceable – rather it is a question of College security. We expect all students to take their What Not To Wear! Imperial’s verision of Trinny and Susannah won’t like you wearing a scarf, hoodie or “offensive clothing” (left). Continued on page 3 You could be escourted off campus if you don’t wear your swipe card around your neck (right). Imperial plc, here we come. felix 2 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 November 2005 felix 1,334 Universities in Arms Thursday 10.11.05

The return of Blind Date “Did you fancy her?

Does the Pope wear a dress? There was potential, and a second date could easily be on the cards if she plays hers right.

Page 22 u

According to the Campaign Against Arms Trade (CAAT), universities, including Imperial College, are profiting from the misery of war.

est number of shares include aims to end government subsidies Food Felix goes on tour Ruby Chu top universities like Oxford and and support for arms exports, as Revolting recipes and Toad in the Cambridge. CAAT have stated that well as exports to countries involved Hole. OK, so the Main Dining Hall Imperial College holds shares in in an armed conflict or region of isn’t that bad. Actually I was pleas- Recent studies carried out by the six UK based arms companies: tension. antly surprised... Campaign Against Arms Trade BAE Systems, Cobham, GKN, CAAT has launched a University Page 16 u (CAAT) have shown that 67 uni- Rolls Royce, Smiths Group and VT Clean Investment Campaign to versities and colleges in the UK Group. However, the exact number target universities supporting the are holding shares in arms com- of shares could not be ascertained. arms trade and to end their support. This Week panies, often without knowledge or Although this cannot be con- CAAT state that the trade has a dev- News 2 Books 17 agreement of those on whose behalf firmed, CAAT believes that the astating effect worldwide, and as Science 4 TV 21 they invest. A deepening relation- wealth of many of these universities universities are centres of interna- Film 8 Comment 18 ship between British universities lies largely in the number of shares tionalism and play a unique role in Nightlife 13 Letters 20 and the military industrial sector they hold in these arms companies. public life, they should not be party in recent years has gone largely In a CAAT study it also states that to it. Students and staff can support unnoticed by students and lectur- “the notorious wealth of several this campaign by passing motions ers. However, some arms compa- Oxbridge colleges rests upon arms in student unions and requesting nies support universities by provid- company investments that rival more information concerning their Sudoku No 1,334 ing graduate recruitment, research those of entire universities”. institution’s investments. By doing deals and sponsorship. CAAT was set up in 1974 by a this, we will truly be able to call our- Complete the Universities holding the high- number of peace organisations with selves an international institution. grid so that 1 5 3 4 every row, every column and 8 2 1 every 3x3 square contains the dig- UNITE chaos in Election its 1 to 9. Email 5 6 your solution to sudoku.felix 1 7 @imperial. Southampton results ac.uk by Friday 3 9 Michael Olymbios cant blunder in Southampton. In 11 November 2003, the company failed to ensure 4pm. When we the completion of Orion Point, leav- still not will randomly 2 4 ing students staying in hotels. Upon select a winner Hundreds of complaints were filed at moving into the halls, a host of to receive either 3 8 the Southampton University accom- problems was unveiled: incomplete announced a 128MB USB modation office last week. This fol- laundry rooms, leaking showers and The results of two of the posi- stick or a crate lows a series of issues resulting in residents trapped in lifts with falling tions, Union Council and Equal of beer. Last 7 9 5 several students either failing to be debris, to name a few. Oppurtunities Officer, have yet to week’s win- allocated the rooms they requested This academic year, Imperial be annouced despite voting hav- ner was Mark 8 9 2 3 or being entirely forgotten. Behind College have outsourced accommo- ing closed more than two weeks Jenkins. this chaos is the private accommodation from UNITE. Due to the nec- ago. Complaints have been made dation company UNITE, claiming essary closure and building works to the Returning Officer, Sameena to be “the UK’s leading provider of at Southside which commenced in Misbahuddin (Union President), value-for-money high-quality accom- July 2005, a two-year lease of Orient regarding the conduct of some can- modation services for students and House in Fulham and Piccadilly didates. These elections saw the Staff key-workers.” Court in Islington was taken up. largest number of candidates in Editor Fashion Editor UNITE is responsible for privately Despite transport issues, for which recent memory. Rupert Neate Dolly Delanay letting halls of residence to universi- Unite can be spared the blame, an Felix has learned that the com- ties in 28 cities around the UK and array of concerns has been brought plaints centre around abuse of e- Deputy Editor (Science) Food Editor reported net rental income up 53% at to light by occupants. Hugh Stickley mail lists. It is made clear to all Alexander Antonov Hannah Theodorou £29.1m. Despite rent at UNITE halls Mansfield, a re-app at Orient House, candidates that the abuse of e-mail in Southampton being advertised described an appalling lack of laun- lists, such as those held by clubs and Music Editor Business Editor at £69.99 per week, students found dry facilities, showers that flood the societies, is against the rules. Andrew Sykes Simon Jones themselves facing an £89.99 fee. A rooms and the presence of rodents. The Union has held numerous computerised application system The warden Ioannis Fotinopoulos emergency closed meetings to dis- Sports Editor Politics Editor Ads Manager supposed to simplify the allocation did not wish to comment when ques- cuss how to deal with the situa- Stephen Brown Matthew Hartfield Anthony Obiekwe procedure meant several students tioned by Felix and expressed dis- tion. Felix has been specifically pre- were left sharing single rooms. may at the letter submitted to the vented from attending any of these Film Editor Media Editor Copy Editors At the UNITE halls of residence editor by Mr Stickley Mansfield. meetings, and the participants have Yuen Ai Lee James Yearsley Tristan Sherliker in Charlotte Place, students were Ironically, in November 2004, been warned not to discuss the mat- Ryan Dee confronted with of having to pay UNITE signed a voluntary code of ter with Felix. Arts Editor Nightlife Editor their entire rent for the first term standards with the National Union Felix was reasssured by Ms Emily Lines Aaron Mason Web Editor up-front. This was approximately of Students (NUS). NUS vice-presi- Misbahuddin that the matter would David Ingram £1,400, on top of which a substantial dent of welfare said, “NUS hopes be resolved on Tuesday night and Coffee Break Editor Comment Editor deposit was requested. Heavy-hand- that this code of standard will tidy a full statement would be provided. Shaun Stanworth Tristan Sherliker ed negotiations from Southampton’s up the way that student accommo- However, she now refuses to discuss Union of Students led to the with- dation is run and that student com- the matter with Felix at all, stating Felix, Beit Quad, Prince Consort Road, London SW7 2BB. Telephone 020 7594 8072. Fax 020 drawal of these excessive financial plaints of shoddy treatment at the that, “it would be unfair on the indi- 7594 8065. Printed by Sharman & Co Ltd, Newark Road, Peterborough PE1 5TD. No. 1,334, demands. hands of the accommodation man- viduals to talk about it because no Thursday 10 November 2005. Registered newspaper ISSN 1040-0711. Copyright © Felix 2005 This is UNITE’s second signifi- agers will be a thing of the past.” decision has been made”. felix Thursday 10 November 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 3

NEWS [email protected]

November, but the information does to have just been tacked onto the not seem to have filtered down to notice. Felix reporters could not find students. In some departments the any students who recollect seeing What not to wear notice was forwarded to all staff and anyone walking around College in continued from page 1 informed Mr Davies of this appar- students, but in others it was only offensive clothing. College skirted ent security lapse, we were told the pinned up on obscure noticeboards. around Felix’s question as to why share of responsibility for the safety ruling was being “enforced only When Felix asked Imperial when they have included this point when of the Imperial community – it is for for College buildings and not the the students would be properly there is not an apparent problem. their benefit.” whole campus”. Another Security informed, we were told; “College They did not say whether or not they Security Officers are already Officer said he did not like chal- notices are distributed widely, not thought there was an offensive dress attempting to enforce the new direc- lenging students, as he feels he only to academic departments, problem. Instead a spokesperson tive and have been challenging stu- may be “intimidating” them. but also to the ICU President and said, “Imperial is a cosmopolitan dents and staff at various entrances The decision was made by Permanent Secretary, and we hope and international community and to College armed with neck chains Imperial’s Management Board, a that the Union will work with us to we have long had protocols against to hand out to offending students. select group of eleven Principal ensure the students are aware of offensive (racist, sexist, homopho- Although most students appear to College Officers, on 21 October. This College rules”. However, Sameena bic) language. The College Notice be ignoring the ruling, Ceri Davies, is the same body which made the Misbahuddin, Union President told is a reminder to staff and students Head of Security at the South controversial decision to merge the Felix, “It is up to College to enforce that this exists and also applies to Kensington Campus, told Felix he faculities of Life and Physical sci- the rules. If there is a health and slogans on clothing”. thought that “there was no reason ences (Felix 1333). Both of these safety matter, I will inform the stu- In contrast to the usual apathy of why the ruling would be unenforce- decision were made without dents… I certainly won’t be enforc- the Imperial student body many are able [although he] appreciates we any consultation with ing the hoodies ruling”. incensed at what has been described are not a commercial company”. He the students or the Although, the code is intended for as “an attack on civil liberties”. A believes it will take time and “won’t Students Union. security purposes, it also includes first-year physicist told Felix, “I be throwing people off campus in Although the caveats on “offensive dress”. The thought I had left uniforms behind the first few weeks”. decision was made notice states that “where it is per- when I left school. Isn’t universi- On Tuesday a Felix journalist nearly three weeks ceived that a particular slogan or ty supposed to be the most liberal overheard a Security Officer in con- ago, most of the stu- symbol is offensive, the wearing of time of your life? Isn’t an imposed versation with a woman, who was dents Felix talked to such slogans or symbols may be dress code the exact opposite of asked whether she was a student or were unaware of the considered a disciplinary offence liberalism?” The banning of hoodies member of staff. When she replied new directive. An and dealt with accordingly”. and “offensive clothing” seem to be that she was neither and was “just e-mail notice was This appears to have very little to causing the most annoyance. One going to the shop”, the officer just sent to all Heads of do with thwarting potential terror- student told Felix: “This isn’t bloody waved her onto campus. When Felix Department on 2 ist attacks on campus and seems Bluewater, it’s a university”.

University of Kent takes over at Wye Felix wins award Science Felix journalist, Zoë I,Science was an ambitious new Corbyn, won the runner-up best project and its recognition at the student feature writer award awards shows people really do at this year’s Guardian Student like reading about science.” Media Awards. The Awards are Dave Edwards said: “It’s the the most presitigous student first time we’ve had any nomina- media awards in the country with tions for the Guardian awards judges including Channel 4 News in at least 6 years, and possibly presenter Jon Snow and Piers the first time ever, so obviously Morgan of Daily Mirror fame. we’re very pleased, especially as The judges said about Zoë’s I, Science is such a new publica- work: “Her writing has lovely tion. I think this shows just how rhythm and showed an excellent good Imperial’s student media is eye for detail. It is also encourag- – we’ve got no arts students but ing to see someone with the con- we still produced one of the five fidence to pick their own subject.” best student magazines in the I, Science , Felix’s new spin-off UK. Zoë did brilliantly to be voted science magazine, was nomi- runner-up.” nated in the catergory of Best Zoë said: “I loved writing for Student Magazine. Over 400 the student press because you entries were recieved in this cat- have free reign to write about any Genteel Imperial College at Wye, soon to become part of the University of Kent. egory, and the winner was Cardiff subject you want and experiment University’s Quench. Cardiff with your style. There’s heaps of Sahota Dawinderpal the campus was also neglected. fare of student life in Wye. Students University did tremendously interesting stuff going on around Ironically, the College places a and alumni are hoping that UKC well at the awards, also scooping campus. Finding a story that heavy emphasis on the successful will actually adopt the campus as Newspaper of the Year, and its needs to be told is like finding a The Bearman Committee’s Proposal management of such elements in one of its own, rather than dismiss editor, James Anthony, won the gold nugget – you just want to is being finalised this month, the Applied Business Management it as a hindrance and actually place Student Journalist of the Year polish it up and tell everybody.” bestowing upon the University of course, the single undergraduate importance on the undergraduate award. If you want to do as well as Zoë, Kent at Canterbury (UKC) the task degree now running in Wye. teaching of Business Management. Zoë paid tribute to last year’s why not write for Felix, e-mail of piloting the future of Wye cam- It has been argued that the The agricultural component, the editors of both Felix and I, [email protected]. Zoë gradu- pus. Now the question students College didn’t want to make a state- foundation of Wye’s history and tra- Science: “Dave and Darius were ated from from Imperial last are asking themselves is no longer ment saying ‘something will be dition, has all but gone. However, in really encouraging and sup- year with an MSc in Science what is happening to the campus, happening to your campus, but we fairness, Wye College had originally portive with the features I wrote. Communication. but why did Imperial ever delve into don’t know what yet’. However, a adapted from being the horticul- the rural Kent countryside? press release was published on the tural Swanley College, so changing On the lips of many students is Imperial website over the summer with the times is inherent to the the question: “What exactly have holidays, only noticed by a handful institution. Does this make it all Imperial contributed to enhancing of the more media-attentive stu- right for Imperial to disrobe Wye of student life in Wye?” Surely the dents. agriculture, or is it entirely different isolation of the campus should have Imperial College is very punctual as Wye College was established in been compensated for somehow. An in sending invoices for accommoda- an altogether more agreeable and improved Student Union Building, tion and tuition fees, and demands good-natured fashion? or the continuation of more than punctuality in students’ response. Wye students wonder whether the one undergraduate course at the So it seems peculiar that College College took over the campus in campus, would have been nice. failed to inform students that their an authentic venture for growth It is thought that Imperial ought to course and department would be and diversification, or whether the have adequately implemented man- closed down over the following takeover was ever taken seriously. agement of the changes. These crit- year. Will the College actually sustain an icisms originate from the College’s Aside from the communication interest once UKC have taken the lack of action to keep lecturers on element, students’ perceptions of reigns, or are they just saying that or to appear concerned about their the proposals are mixed. Some see they will? And will they actually futures, even though students still Imperial as tyrants that UKC will be communicate the answers to these need them after having developed providing an escape from, whereas questions to Wye students properly, that fundamental student-teacher others regret having to part from or will a few geeks who constantly Left to right: Darius Nikbin (I, Science Editor 2004-5), Zoë Corbyn relationship. Communication to Imperial College, although they con- check the Imperial website tell us and Dave Edwards (Felix Editor 04-05). stakeholders over the future of cede that it may enhance the wel- over MSN? felix 4 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 November 2005

science [email protected] Ancient enemies stir in battle Will Gates is dismayed at the continuing advance of a rebranded creationism in America. cience versus religion, of incremental mutation. Even more religious teaching in schools, some- ing in fact. to be a practice aiming to disprove it seems, just got ugly. outrageous arguments (such as why thing which contradicts the First True, evolution remains a theory, religion. Then why is this spat per- This age-old squabble we do not see missing links, say, a Amendment. Even the central text- but a theory with a huge amount of sisting? It would be outrageous for has reached the courts bird with a bony tail and teeth in book of ID, Of Pandas and People, evidence to support it. For a concept science to be strong-headed and in America, where eleven its beak in the world today) appear was originally drafted as a creation- devoid of such extensive evidence Sparents have sued the board of the to undermine Darwinian evolution ist textbook. and reasoning to prostitute both Dover Area School District for intro- superficially. These concepts elabo- The ultimate paradox of ID is itself and its “higher power” muse “ID professes to be ducing Intelligent Design (ID), an rate on one aspect of evolution, such that it professes to be a scientific as a viable, nay, a factual alterna- alternative to Darwinian evolution, as animals evolving from ancestors, theory whilst not being based in tive, is absurd. A leaked ID docu- a scientific theory into biology classes. A subsequent whilst ignoring the associated idea any way on observations gathered ment in 1999 described the “Wedge but is not based on eruption of conflict has emerged of ancestors becoming extinct due from research, and has no falsifiable Strategy”, which intends to use between those who see ID as the to competitive exclusion. hypotheses. Yet still its supporters ID as a rapier, piercing scientific observations and first step on the road to a religiously How can an idea that rivals evolu- wish to replace evolution with it, understanding and reasoning at its oriented state and society, and those tion maintain a viable challenge if it arguing that evolution itself is based perceived weakest point – evolution has no falsifiable who see it merely as the antith- selectively ignores those aspects of on assumption and has no ground- – and slowly prise it apart with fur- hypotheses.” esis to scientific understanding and its adversary which it finds too awk- ther “theories” based rather on reli- knowledge. ward to explain away? It appears gious teachings, to end the discord dismiss ID as ridiculous. Yet as a The general thrust of ID is that that ID is mounting a challenge between the two disciplines. If ID scientific alternative to Darwinism it sees life as being far too com- based on half-truths and misconcep- were to replace Darwinism, the cha- it is. Why can ID not be taught in plicated to have arisen by chance; tions. Its proponents protest it is not rade of redefining science should religious classes, evolution in biol- instead, it must have been designed about God per se, yet God is merely be dropped; for science itself would ogy classes, and let those in the line by a “higher power”. Furthermore, replaced by an abstract “higher have been ousted, not replaced. of fire – the children themselves it argues the concept of “irreduc- power”. This is illustrated further What is wrong with co-habitation? – choose between them? Or is that ible complexity” – remove one of by the fact that ID is a repackag- The conflict between science and a compromise beyond the grasp of the stages in a metabolic pathway, ing of “creation science” which was religion has always been one of mis- these two gladiators of society? One then it falls apart, so it could not banned by the US Supreme Court understanding and mistrust, where- thing is for certain, though: we live have evolved in a Darwinian sense in 1987. Why? For amounting to The return of the pandas. as science does not necessarily have in troubled times.

Transport for London 11 million people travel around London The TfL Graduate Programme every day. How would you keep them moving? Where theory becomes reality Salary from £22,500 plus 30 days’ holiday, free travel on TfL services and other benefits

There is probably only one thing that everyone in the capital has in common. They all have to travel in the city. How they do so is our responsibility. We’re Transport for London. We manage, develop and integrate the capital’s transport network - from roads, buses and the Tube to taxis, cycle paths and the river. And the challenges we face are almost endless. How can transport be made better? More reliable? More integrated? How do we keep costs down and efficiency up? How do we optimise performance without compromising safety? And how do we prepare for the future? On our graduate programme, you'll make a tangible contribution to some of these issues. Because whichever scheme you enter on the programme - Civil Engineering, Information Management or Software Engineering - you'll be helping to provide a modern, responsive service for everyone who uses the network. For more information on these and the other schemes we offer, please visit www.tfl.gov.uk/graduates We want to be as diverse as the city we represent and welcome applications from everyone, regardless of gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, faith or disability.

MAYOR OF LONDON felix Thursday 10 November 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 5

SCIENCE [email protected]

You are what you eat, but don’t believe what you read Richard Chatwin warns about the dangers of believing the dietary supplements’ interpretation of science.

ou only need to browse material take their information from low the advice they have read, igno- ed otherwise. Either way, it seems ists and writers. through the daily news- these original papers. Journalists rant to the possibility that it could be age is definitely an important factor. However, the biggest lesson you paper to find an arti- and writers ‘translate’ the findings of no benefit to them and could even Further medication and ethnicity could take away from this, regard- cle related to health. If from jargon-loaded scientific papers be detrimental to their health. are also too big variables to be left less of how accurate or reliable this you’re lucky you might to easily accessible informative arti- Excluded information such as age, out of a study result. study is, is that, at least when it evenY find a nice glossy supplement cles. This is for the benefit of the further medication or ethnicity may This study shows just how impor- comes to health and fitness arti- completely dedicated to the newest readers, who don’t want to have seem superfluous, but with regards tant the peer-review system is in cles, it’s probably worth reading diets, the quickest way to lose that to sift through the load of statis- around and about the subject at excess fat and the new, updated tics normally found in the original hand, before making those crucial line-up of good foods, which will papers. They just want to know how lifestyle changes. It might save you guarantee you a ‘longer, healthier that research will affect them, or a lot of time and effort, and you life’. Then there’s the ever-increas- what the basic steps to obtain the might find some useful information ing band of nasty foods, which will (usually) beneficial results reported or even another, better diet or fit- rot your teeth, give you spots and from the research are. ness regime. turn you into a big, blubbery circle But if you’ve really paid attention of lard. It’s all based on scientific whilst reading, you’ll probably want research, so it must be true, right? “Unfortunately, many to check out the research paper Not necessarily. A study published in question here, and then decide earlier this year by the University of of these journalists fail whether or not to believe any of Kansas claims that a lot of research to dissect the papers this. done on the effects of weight loss, exercise and a combination of both properly and simply Read the original paper at: on general health and fitness of sub- http://www.biomedcentral.com/ jects is inaccurate. take the results as content/pdf/1471-2288-5-9.pdf According to the study, these infallible.” papers fail to report all the variables of the subjects involved in the The journalists are therefore act- “Reporting Quality of Randomized trials. For example, of the reports ing as a sort of interpreter, explain- Trials in the Diet and Exercise scrutinized, 92% failed to report the ing to the readers why the research to fitness and health, nothing could science; it gives non-science jour- Literature for Weight Loss”. use of further medication by sub- is important to them. Unfortunately, be further from the truth. Ask any nalists and writers an easy way to Cheryl A Gibson, Erik P Kirk, jects, 86% – their ethnicity and 11% many of these journalists fail to dis- fitness instructor, and they’ll prob- decide if a paper is worth reporting James D LeCheminant, Bruce W – their age. sect the papers properly, and simply ably tell you that as you age, your to the general public, which ulti- Bailey Jr, Guoyuan Huang and Why should we care? The problem take the results as infallible. They metabolism slows and becomes less mately helps the reader. The system Joseph E Donnelly is that a lot of the newspaper arti- then report these to their read- efficient; in other words, it’s harder also stops those papers with dubi- BMC Medical Research cles, popular health books and all the ers, who take the information to be to lose weight and easier to gain fat. ous or obscured results from ever Methodology 2005, 5:9 (23 common dietary advisory reading beyond doubt. So they go on to fol- However some studies have report- being noticed by searching journal- February 2005)

cal’; there are many ethical jobs available embedded within larger Ethical careers in science companies. For example, in the public sector you could contribute to policies determining social As the union careers fair comes have the responsibility and power responsibilities for companies. In round once again, once the novelty to ask questions about the social addition, it is in academia where of free pens and mugs has worn responsibility of your potential many of the technologies are first off, people are reminded that at employer. developed that aid and support the end of every degree employ- ethical criteria. ment looms. As well as weighing Dispelling the myth of ethical up salaries, holiday time and careers So why mention all this now? bonuses, how about taking time But, I hear you cry, I don’t want to It may help to keep ethics in mind to consider the company’s impact be working in a dank, dingy base- at the Union Careers Fair on the on society and the environment? ment, in the middle of nowhere, for 9th and 10th November. Any organ- People cannot have failed to notice very little money and with minimal isation affects its surroundings, so the worldwide shift towards con- career advancement options. In as a potential employee you may sideration for the environment and fact, there are many opportunities want to consider the nature of that people’s rights. Some of you might to have a positive impact on peace, effect and whether you believe that even be wearing your white bands social justice and environmental it is justified, and there may as a now or have put out their recycling sustainability while enjoying a result be some alternative ques- bins this morning. While ethics will challenging, influential and finan- tions that you may want to ask at play no part in many of the careers cially viable career. Basically, an the fair. Imperial graduates choose, oth- ethical company places humanitar- Plus, if the taster provided in ers might want to take the time to ian and environmental concerns this article has piqued your inter- consider the wider implications of alongside commercial and finan- est about future career prospects, their employment. cial pressures. then you can wait in eager antici- There are ethical careers avail- pation for the Ethical Careers Reversing the interview process able in both the private and public Exhibition, which is organised – ethical grilling for potential sectors, in areas such as invest- by the Pugwash Society and employers ment banking and consultancy, Environmental Society with sup- It is a typical job interview: you as well as in traditional non-profit port from the Careers Advisory have spent an hour, apprehen- organisations. You could help service and Volunteer Centre. The sively trembling, subject to intense governments achieve non-prolif- fair will provide information about grilling, and then comes the appar- eration of nuclear weapons, com- immediate internships and volun- ently immensely important end- panies respond to climate change, teering, as well as graduate jobs, of-the-interview question: ‘Have and charities support and build including skills and qualification you got any questions for us?’ The communities requirements and constructive normal responses include ‘What And that is only naming a few. ideas for how to meet these. career development opportunities are there?’ or ‘Are there opportuni- Ethical careers – a new trend Letitia Hughes ties to work abroad?’ While these The number of companies that and is also ranked the 25th fast- has made environmental sustain- are important questions, they are consider themselves ethical, while est growing technology company ability a priority (www.whitbybird. Ethical Careers Exhibition: not the only ones that we could at the same time fitting the criteria in Britain (www.solarcentury. com). The trend is also evident in Wed 1 Feb 2006, Great Hall. ask. What impact is this company for a fulfilling career described co.uk). This is all-important at a the recent increasing function of having on society and the environ- above, is growing in Britain. For time when oil prices and concern Corporate Social Responsibility Website: www.union.ic.ac.uk/ ment; what are their policies about example, solarcentury advertises over global warming has reached (CSR) departments in companies. ethicalcareersexhibition reducing their global warming its ethical purpose (solar energy) an all-time high. WhitbyBird is Of course, you are not limited to E-mail: www.ethicalcareers impact? The simple fact is that you and ethical business manners, an engineering consultancy that a company that terms itself ‘ethi- [email protected] felix 6 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 November 2005

business [email protected] M&A fever grips London Simon Jones Business Editor More deals to follow The FTSE 100 index of the UK’s The current round of Mergers and Investment banks can charge fees 100 largest companies rose 2% Acquisitions (M&A) in the city have of between 0.125% and 0.5% of the last Monday as multiple take-over attracted much attention, not least value of the deal, and individuals approaches worth over £24bn sent because they have all been foreign involved in the Telefonica bid are share prices in the city to their big- companies targeting UK companies. expected to net over $50m (£28m) in gest intra-day rise since the dot-com This year, Unocal, the US oil bonuses. Their fees have increased era. Shares in London rose for five and gas producer, was the target dramatically in recent years, while straight days last week – taking the of a take-over battle between US the cost of the actual debt to fund index close to its previous highs of Chevron, and the Chinese oil com- deals has fallen. three and a half years ago. pany, CNOOC. Chevron acquired In 2005 the average bidder paid The Spanish mobile operator Unocal for less than CNOOC was 27 times the value of the companies Telefonica led the way with a take- prepared to bid, as it became appar- annual earnings (price to earnings over approach for O2, which values ent that the US senate was not about ratio or P/E), which included a 20% the UK company at £17.7bn. The to let a Chinese state-backed com- premium over the target company’s all-cash bid in the form of loans pany take over an American com- share price. During the last M&A from Goldman Sachs, Royal Bank pany with substantial oil reserves cycle, the figures were higher – an of Scotland and Citigroup is near- in the US. average P/E of 36, including a 25- ly twice the £9.4bn that the Dutch Spain’s Telefonica launched a £17.7bn bid for O2, as Vodafone expands The UK is renowned as a very 40% premium on the share price. mobile group KPN, offered for O2 into India, South Africa and Eastern Europe open market, but some politicians Senior M&A bankers suggest this last year. The bid is a 22% premium have voiced concern about the ‘sell- implies the current M&A cycle, and over O2’s Friday share price and val- fuelled M&A activity and private Telecom, Telefonica and Vodafone), off’ of UK companies. There are prices of companies, has yet to peak, ues the company at 20 times itwws equity groups, who use debt to buy each jostling for position in Europe’s benefits to foreign take-overs, and and that M&A activity will continue 2006 earnings forecast. Deutsche companies, restructure them and five largest countries – the UK, some fund managers prefer foreign- well into 2006. Telekom was rumoured to make a sell them at a profit. France, Germany, Spain and Italy. run companies to British compa- Plenty of other companies have counter-bid but subsequently denied O2, who spun off from parent BT Europe’s fragmented telecoms sec- nies, claiming that they display bet- been linked in potential take-over any intention, announcing plans to in 2001 has grown quickly and is tor has 21 major players, compared ter corporate governance. The lure activity, including Shell and BG, the cut 32,000 jobs to shore up competi- now estimated to be worth more to just five across the US, where the of UK companies as potential take- gas producer. Rumours of potential tiveness in Germany. than BT. O2’s 25m customers in the heavily consolidated industry has over targets, implies that British bids have been rife in every industry France Telecom’s £26.5bn take- UK, Ireland and Germany will com- experienced four big deals in the companies are more profitable and sector, as companies continue to over of Orange in 2000 was also plement Telefonica’s 145m, concen- last two years alone. have higher growth potential than release record third quarter profits financed by debt, and the cost of trated in Spain and South America, Vodafone, the world’s larg- foreign companies. and have large cash reserves. interest payments was so great that and form Europe’s second largest est mobile operator, last week the group was forced to issue more mobile operator after Vodafone. announced plans to spend £1.35bn, shares shortly after the take-over Telefonica estimates potential cost increasing its stake in South Africa’s in order to pay for it. Some analysts savings of £199m. Vodacom to 50 per cent and giving are concerned that Telefonica will After paying off their third-genera- it access to customers across sub- have too much debt and could find tion (3G) network licences the tel- equatorial Africa. Vodafone has also itself in a similar position if the cost ecoms industry looks set for further recently completed deals in the key of borrowing rises. The near-record consolidation as companies jockey growth-markets of India, Romania loan of £18.5bn reflects the low-cost Europe’s biggest mobile opera- and the Czech Republic and sold its and availability of loans, which has tors (Deutsche Telekom, France lagging Swedish business. £24bn of take-over activity, unparalleled since dotcom boom

Simon Jones

Overseas companies have launched £67.7bn worth of deals in the UK so far this year – the highest since the dotcom boom. Some of the biggest names include the bank Abbey National and the drinks-manufacturer Allied Domecq. The latest British companies to be targeted were the telecoms company O2, the shipping company P&O, the glass-manufacturer Pilkington and Pilkington’s share price rose 30p to 157p on news of NSG’s approach. the construction group Mowlem; with a combined value of £24bn. World has launched a £3.1bn bid Pilkington has received a bid worth P&O’s exceptionally wide geo- for P&O, in an effort to double its £2bn from Japan’s Nippon Sheet graphical spread and its recent capacity to 42m container units by Glass (NSG), who already own a 20% restructuring drive, have turned the 2001. Although P&O’s freight busi- stake in the group. Many analysts world’s fourth largest ports operator ness returned a £154m profit last suggest a figure of £2.6bn as a more into an attractive take-over target. year, the smaller ferry business lost reasonable bid, in view of the fact DP World is owned by the Dubai £15.4m and would probably be sold that £2bn only values Pilkington at government and is the world’s if DP World to secured the group. eight times its earnings. Increasing number six ports operator, but it Likely counter-bids could come from the bid may be out of reach for NGS lacks both the world-wide spread Hutchinson Group or AP Moller, the however, as it would struggle to pay and access to emerging markets world’s number one and two port the interest on the amount of debt (such as Thailand, Southern China operators respectively and could that would be required for such a and India) that P&O enjoys. DP reach £3.5bn. manoeuvre. Will you miss it?

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ﬁlm [email protected] Elizabethtown- Hit or snooze? Despite vitriolic reviews, Felix decides to check it out and here’s our review.

who apparently ignores his lack of Elizabethtown interest and leaves him her phone Director: Cameron Crowe number anyway. Starring: Orlando Bloom, Kirsten Once in Elizabethtown, Kentucky, Dunst and Susan Sarandon. Drew meets his relatives and is Length: 124 minutes thrown into a journey of getting to Certificate: 12A know his dad with whom he has become estranged due to his work- Released:4 November 2005 obsession. Having a mother and a HHHII sister who were both coming to grips with their own loss and a girlfriend who has dumped him for greener e started off as an ethe- pastures, Drew calls Claire and the real prince from the single phone call soon extends to land of the elves, only what-must-have-been an 8-hour to be emasculated later conversation. in his stint as Paris in Will they or won’t they? That is the HTroy. This time around, Orlando million-dollar question. As expected Bloom takes the lead in romantic from Cameron Crowe’s film Jerry comedy, Elizabethtown with the Maguire, this film is another one of cute and spunky Kirsten Dunst. Will those all-men-are-idiots or rather he or won’t he re-dignify himself in you-never-appreciate-what-you- the hearts of women everywhere? have stories. However, before we This was what I wanted to find out. set off condemning the ubiquitous Orlando Bloom plays the worka- plot, let’s focus on what set Jerry holic footwear designer, Drew Maguire apart from the rest of the Baylor. Unfortunately for the young romantic comedies. and upcoming inventor, he has just Firstly, it isn’t the line “You com- lost his company $972 million and plete me”. (That’s a ridiculous line, if Two people who meet- is it a coincidence or is it fate? consequently, he lost his job. (Duh!) you don’t mind me saying.) However, He’s all set to kill himself with a it wouldn’t be far-fetched to say that film that truly deserves mentioning. to witness the instant connection one who pulls him out of it. strange stabbing device he created both scripts for Jerry Maguire and One of them includes the flashback of two people who do not; on the Watch Elizabethtown because you from his stationary bicycle but his Elizabethtown were both simple scene of Drew as a child, wearing surface have anything in common wouldn’t regret it. Take it anyway suicide attempt is postponed tempo- and tastefully done. It’s basically his father’s shoes. Another artistic at all. you please, be it as a first-date film rarily when he receives the news of the mood of the movie that strikes shot was the scene of Drew scatter- A lot of people might watch this or as a touching-artistic film. It’s his father’s death. you. Just like in Jerry Maguire, the ing his father’s ashes into the river film and brush it off as another one one of the rare films that entertains As he is the eldest son, he is forced atmosphere in Elizabethtown is and by the statue in Oklahoma City. of those Hollywood’s attempts to and soothes you as well. Personally, into the responsibility of returning calm, peaceful and slightly melan- To be honest, it’s difficult to be a charm the pounds off our pockets. I’m a big fan of Orlando Bloom’s his father’s body to Oregon from cholic. sceptic in reviewing this film. It’s a However, think about it this way. easy smile and pretty brown eyes, Kentucky by his mother, Hollie Once again, Cameron Crowe dis- beautiful film and it is disarming to Forget Orlando Bloom. It’s just a but then again, it’s the story behind (Susan Sarandon). On his lonely plays his unique taste and ability to see how the strong and silent Drew story of a man on a journey to over- Elizabethtown that takes my breath plane ride to Kentucky, he encoun- catch the softest and most beauti- crumples and collects himself emo- come his guilt and loss and when it away. Not him. ters the kooky and neurotic steward- ful of human emotion on camera. tionally. It is also particularly touch- seems as if his life is permanently Yuen Ai Lee ess, Claire Colburn (Kirsten Dunst), There are numerous scenes in the ing and perhaps even otherworldly lost in quicksand, he meets some- Film Editor

O’Felix has Lord! gone absolutely DVDs manic and we havegiveaway decided to give away.... again! ohn Thompson’s Red Hot (RRP £17.99). 3) ‘Interactive Questions’ will pop Poker! Thanks to Pathé Whether playing at home, with up after each chapter to test the Distribution Ltd, Felix has friends or online, the one thing eve- knowledge you have just gained. J3 copies of this DVD-learn- ryone wants to do is to win, and 4) ‘Jargonbuster’ - learn the lan- along kit to give away to three of our win in style. In his own inimitable guage of poker; what all those words lucky readers.Who and what is John style, actor and poker enthusiast really mean and when to use them! Thompson’s Red Hot Poker, you John Thomson takes you step-by- Disc two includes a fully interac- ask? Well, well, well, don’t be such a step through one of the world’s old- tive ‘one on one’ DVD game, allowing snob, read on and find out! est forms of gambling, letting you you to play a computerised John at Have you always wanted to be know when to hold ‘em and when to ‘Texas Hold Em’ using your remote a poker whiz? Everybody has, so fold ‘em! control. The game provides the ideal how can you make yourself differ- As the ultimate poker DVD, even practice opportunity before heading ent from the rest of the wannabes? seasoned players will learn a thing off to play for real! Buyers of the Listen to John Thompson, and he’ll or two! Disc one includes the follow- DVD will also benefit from an online teach you how to be a poker whiz ing features: poker chips offer worth up to $100 if with A-list star style. 1)Comprehensive ‘How To Play they register with PartyPoker.com John Thomson (Cold Feet, The Guide’, covering all the main ver- Now, the important question is, Fast Show) shows you all the essen- sions of the game, but focusing on how do you get your hangs on this tial styles, skills and tricks of the Texas Hold’ Em DVD? game enjoyed by stars including 2)‘Hints and Tips’ on how to play Tell me, what was the name of the Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Matt Damon better, including a specific section character in Wallace & Gromit: The and Ricky Gervais! John Thomson’s on reading body language and how Curse of the Wererabbit that was Red Hot Poker is available to buy to bluff better, how and when to voiced by John Thompson?Email and rent as an interactive two disc make certain bets, when to fold, me your name, your department DVD and video on 14th November and how to calculate your odds of and the answer at film.felix@ic. 2005 from Pathé Distribution Ltd winning! ac.uk and you’ll get a free DVD! felix Thursday 10 November www.felixonline.co.uk 9

FILM [email protected] Zorro: Have we had enough? Have we had enough of him or have we not? Felix has the results. Elena since she has so many roles The Legend Of Zorro the same film. Not actual different Director: Martin Campbell character roles, but she performs as Starring: Catherine Zeta Jones, An- “the loving wife”,”worried mother” tonio Banderas and Adrian Alonso. etc as well as looking good the whole Length: 129 minutes way through and getting to kick the Certificate: U blokes’ asses in some fight scenes. Whilst on the subject of fight Released:31 October 2005 scenes, I must say they were a bit HHHII sparse for an action film. However the action scenes they did have ticked all the right boxes for me. uite frankly I really liked Just the right length, well choreo- the previous Zorro film, graphed and also displayed some “The Mask of Zorro”. originality, including Zorro riding So much so, I found no Tornado along the top of a moving need for a sequel. After steam train. all,Q he becomes a hero, he gets the Another aspect of the film I enjoyed girl, he gets the horse and Anthony was the lighter, more comical parts Hopkins dies. Everyone’s happy. to the film, usually looking at the Unnecessary as “The Legend of relationship found between Zorro Zorro” is, I was happy with the film and his horse. These little jokes overall. made here and there made every- The film is set ten years after thing that much more enjoyable as Alejandro de la Vega (Banderas) it does with every film. first donned the mask of Zorro Despite these positive things, and won the heart of the beautiful there was one feature of the film Elena (Zeta-Jones). Now the father, that I wasn’t too keen on. This Alejandro finds that leading his dou- was the large focus the film had ble life is far too hazardous and on Alejandro’s son Joaquin. Some vows to hang up his cloak. Zorro is scenes see him doing damage to the no more. bad guys with his slingshot, which in However, he has become addicted my opinion is taking things just a lit- to the dangers he faced as his alter tle bit too far. Leaving the grown ups ego and when California’s pending to do the fighting would have made statehood is jeopardised he finds the film a lot better and would hon- himself taking action, much to the estly have made a lot more sense. displeasure of his wife. So much so in All in all, I enjoyed “The Legend fact, she files for divorce! Alejandro of Zorro” and would recommend it is now faced with the decision to for someone who doesn’t want to save his beloved country, or save his see a film that makes you think or marriage. question what’s happening. It’s a The plot is strong all the way good film to see with friends plus through and is also pretty easy to Catherine Zeta-Jones serves as eye follow. Just the thing you need after candy for the guys. An unnecessary a hard week of lectures. sequel, but a good sequel none the Banderas does a good job as the less. man in black but Catherine Zeta- I’m back, please don’t hate me! Jones steals the show as the lovely Stephen P Smith

Yes,First I do know time Brothers in Arms:ever: Earned Freein Blood is notXBox a ﬁlm. games! his is terribly unconven- • New Single Player Narrative urban settings for more dynamic tional and I have to admit – As Sgt. Joe Hartsock, relive great combat situations. it’s terribly random as moments from a new perspective and Thanks to Ubisoft and Trilogy Twell, but what the heck, lead your squad beyond Carentan to Communications, Felix has three Film Felix is having it’s first Xbox liberate all of Normandy. copies of the game to giveaway! games giveaway! • New Multiplayer Missions (Yes, can you believe it?)Now, how You want it, you like it? Read on to – Taking online tactics to the next do you get this game in your hangs? find out how! level, Brothers in Arms Earned in Tell me, Personally, to my own dismay, I Blood™ offers more unique multi- Who is the publisher for Brothers do not own a console of any kind player missions and improved on- in Arms: Earned in Blood? but what I do know, is that an XBox line support on PC and consoles! Do you know the answer? If you games giveaway is just too freaking (Including the bundled addition of do, you had better hurry up then, cool. modification support for the PC!). because remember there are only 3 Now my dear readers, what is • Cooperative Skirmish Mode – copies to giveaway! Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood? Brothers in Arms Earned in Blood™ Email me the answer, your name Here’s the grimy details... features an all-new Skirmish Mode and your department at film. Building on the success of Brothers that allows one or two players to [email protected] and you might be in Arms Road to Hill, Brothers in take a tour of duty through a series one of the lucky three to win the Arms: Earned in Blood features a of authentic and harrowing custom XBox game! new single player narrative, new combat missions. Brothers in Arms: Earned in Blood multiplayer missions, an all-new • New Weapons and Vehicles was released as an XBox game on cooperative style game mode, and – Arm yourself with new weapons the 2nd of October and was released new weapons and vehicles, like the M3 grease gun and com- in PS2 format from the 2nd to 28th Key features include: mand new vehicles like the M10 of October. The game is for 16+ • Next Chapter of Brothers in “Wolverine” Tank Destroyer. players only.. Arms – The award winning WWII • More Challenging and Dynamic What are you waiting for? Start shooter returns with Brothers in Combats – Thanks to the addition searching for the answers and email Arms Earned in Blood™ and takes of new tactical possibilities and me now! the experience that has critics and improved AI fight even more fierce Wargames. maybe if Bush had one of these, there wouldn’t be a war... fans raving to the next level. German troops in digitally accurate felix 10 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 November 2005

politics [email protected] A week is a long time Rocking the vote in politics... A brief overview of the political societies active in College Labour Society Conservative Society Socialist Workers Student Society Respect Society t seemed like only yesterday that David Blunkett (below) was involved in a sleaze scan- dal. Oh, hang on, it was yesterday. As Felix was going to pressI last week, the recently appoint- ed work and pensions secretary resigned for the second time within a year as he faced scrutiny over taking up work with DNA Bioscience without seeking advice from the Independent Advisory Committee on Business Appointments, which breached the ministerial code. He mperial College Labour he IC Conservative WSS believes another espect was born out of was also criticised for buying shares Society is the society for stu- Society welcomes mem- world is both possible and the anti war movement. in this company. On resigning, he dents and staff at Imperial bers from all quarters. necessary, a world run The urge to find an alter- admitted he made a mistake and College who believe in the Obviously, we stand in sup- by ordinary people in the native to a government apologised ‘for the embarrassment Labour values of equality, port of the Conservative interests of ordinary peo- that took the country to I have caused [Tony Blair]’. He will democracyI and social justice. We PartyT and its policies, but we are Sple. It is evident that poverty, war Rwar even when the majority of the now return to the backbenches to are an open society aiming to pro- open as a forum of debate for con- and oppression are all symptomatic population was against it has pro- serve as a local MP. vide a forum to discuss and debate servative ideas. All are welcome, of the social and economic struc- vided an MP (George Galloway) and Labour ideas and policy. with a low membership fee of £3, or tures present today and they cannot a Councillor (Ollie Rahman). This Thursday (10th November) £5 including Conservative Future be resolved without fundamental Respect stands for: the always entertaining Steve Pound membership (the youth wing of the changes. Further it is only the activ- An end to the war and occupation MP will be joining us for a drink national party). We are by far the ity of the people that can transform in Iraq. in the Union bar at 7pm to chat most active of the main three British the world to create a truly socialist An end to all privatisation and about what Parliament is really like. political parties at Imperial; ConSoc society. the bringing back into democratic Before becoming an MP, Steve has is a great way to meet fellow-minded Here at Imperial the SWSS group public ownership of the railways and had a varied career including work- students. organises many debates, discus- other public services. ing as a seaman, bus conductor and Our main meeting is every sions, film showings and cultural An education system that is not hospital porter. Tuesday at 12.00 in the Union bar, events revolving around how the based on the ability to pay, compre- As a member of Imperial College where we have a fun informal chat. people of the world can unite to hensive and gives an equal chance Labour Society you can expect an We also have guest speakers and go move society forward. in life to every child from nursery to exciting mix of guest speakers, to local and national party events. However the most important role university. MPs and ministers, giving you a For example, we are attending a SWSS plays is in the active ongo- The repeal of the Tory anti-union chance to question the Government. talk by David Cameron on his vision ing campaigns both on campus and laws. We organise lively debates, social for the party at Knightsbridge this throughout London. SWSS has been Opposition to all forms of discrimi- events and campaigning. The socie- central in the fight for student wel- nation based on race, gender, eth- ty has been addressed by Education fare here at Imperial, campaigning nicity, religious beliefs (or lack of Minister Stephen Twigg, and former over issues such as top-up fees, hall them), sexual orientation, disability, Secretary of State for Health, “We are the most rent increases and student repre- national origin or citizenship Frank Dobson MP, joined us for a sentation. SWSS has led the anti-war An end to the destruction of the lively discussion about the NHS. active of the main movement in college. Side by side environment by states and corpora- In a following parlimentary ses- More recently Hilary Benn MP, with Islamic Soc, Imperial against tions for whom profit is more impor- sion, Conservative leader Michael Secretary of State for International parties at Imperial; Imperialism and Amnesty, SWSS tant than sustaining the natural Howard used this to launch a scath- Development, highlighted Labour’s ConSoc is a great way has initiated the Free Babar Ahmed world on which all life depends. ing attack on Mr. Blair, labelling him achievements in increasing foreign Campaign, fighting for the civil lib- Student Respect on campus aims as a ‘lame duck’, and described Mr. aid spending and cancelling the debt to meet erties of a former student impris- to include a broad range of people Blair as being “In office but not in of the world’s poorest countries. oned without trial. Outside of college from a range of different societies power” Former Cabinet Minister Michael fellow minded members of SWSS have supported and backgrounds. This will enable Meacher MP spoke passionately various workers and aided the suc- Respect as a group to campaign on Things got from bad to worse for about his opposition to the war in students.” cessful Respect election campaign a number of different issues such as Labour when Charles Clarke (below) Iraq. in the east end of London. a permanent Friday prayer venue was forced to make a tactical retreat Later this term we will be run- There are a number of events and for Muslim students, improving over his anti-terror laws, as a fear of ning an event highlighting the huge campaigns under way: the colleges environmental policy, defeat led him to delay inserting a human rights abuses taking place in evening: a first-class event that only removing the weapons research clause to hold potential terror sus- Colombia in association with Justice costs £10 to ConSoc members. Such International Peace Conference: that occurs within the college and pects for 90 days, telling Radio 4’s for Colombia. Also invited for this events generally include a plentiful Called by the Stop the War looking out for the civil liberties of Today programme that ‘he wanted term is Science Minister Lord supply of wine, and we go out to Coalition. all students of imperial college. to reach a consensus’. A seperate Sainsbury to talk about the state of the pub afterwards and shoot the Saturday 10th December Within a few weeks time student vote on whether to include the glo- British Science. breeze. ConSoc is worth joining for With delegates from Iraq, USA, and Respect at imperial will be sup- ryfying of terrorism as a crime in We are affiliated to Labour the social events alone! We also take the UK. porting a civil liberties campaign the bill was only passed by one vote, Students and the society has good part in election campaigning for stopwar.org.uk that will incorporate a “Know Your with absent rebel MP’s seen as the links with London Young Labour, the party, for instance in this May’s Rights” theme, where students can reason it passed in the first place. A which provides further opportuni- General Election, which is a great International Day of Climate find out what to do and what their long week for Labour indeed. ties for meeting like minded people way to meet people and directly Protest: London Demo, Saturday rights are if held under the sec- across London. stand up for Conservative beliefs. December 3rd. tion 44 anti-terror laws. If anyone Whether you’re a Labour Party You don’t need to be a hack to join campaingcc.org is interested in helping to organise member or are just interested in ConSoc; our meetings are relaxed or publicise the meeting they are politics and want a say, you’ll be and good-humoured. Find your nat- Civil Liberties Talk (Supported by more than welcome and can email welcome. ural political home with us! Student Respect): The week 7th- [email protected] or For more information, contact See www.icconsoc.co.uk for 14th November. visit respectcoalition.org for general [email protected] or more information, or email chair- respectcoalition.org information. visit union.ic.ac.uk/labour. man Chris Hampsheir on chris. [email protected] To Join or for more information Kian Sing Low please e-mail: swss@imperial. Alexander Guite Edmund Hunt ac.uk. It’s not about recognising opportunities

It’s about making sure you don’t miss them

Outstanding people fit in at CSFB – and our training and development programs make sure they continue to make an impact throughout their career with us. Right now we have opportunities across five divisions, but the closing dates for applications are approaching fast. If you’re keen to join us full-time, make sure you don't miss out by getting your application to us by 18 November 2005 whichever part of our business interests you most. Alternatively, find out whether a career with CSFB is right for you by applying soon for one of our internships. Our Easter Program runs for five days in London and gives first-year students (second-year if you’re on a four-year course) the chance to spend a day with each of our five key divisions. Our Summer Program runs for eight to ten weeks in London. It’s your opportunity to get a more in-depth introduction to the company and is ideal for penultimate-year students who want to be sure they’re making the right career choice. The deadlines for applications for internships are: Easter Program – 16 December 2005 Summer Program – 20 January 2006 To find out more, and to apply online, please visit our website. www.csfb.com/standout

Untitled-1 1 1/11/05 12:00:59 felix Thursday 10 November 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 13

Nightlife [email protected] This is me Midget plea As this is my first time as editor I want to make a plea to anyone who has any pictures of dwarves, midg- Oooh - a bit chilly ets or gnomes. I want one. Even though I have been told countless Chloe Child gets to drink out of ice times that gnomes don’t exist and they are mythical beings I have a few short words for you, no no no Wednesday 12 October, after hav- you are wrong. So if anyone does ing a couple of pre-night out drinks, have interesting snaps or snippits some friends and I made our way of info about the above please email to oxford circus. It was not for them in. I wan to start a troupe of the usual cheapskates or candy box little people who can be my personal night out; we were off to the very mascots. cool and extremely chilly ICE BAR Ooooh I forgot we have a new on Heddon Street. section in nightlife this year from a We were particularly excited, good friend of mine whos an insider not just because it was my mates at our delightful union will hopefully birthday or that we already had had be telling all those funny tails that a couple of home made cocktails happen at our union when it all gets (always interesting), but because a bit drunken and teenage fumbley the Ice Bar seemed a brilliant place Well I think introductions are in like being behind the bike sheds. to go for something different. I did order. I am Aaron Mason. I was a One final thought if anyone would have the slightest reservation con- lowly nightlife reporter last year and like a cheeky little review for me . Or sidering that I was paying £12 to get have been promoted to the dizzy if they want to write some wasted into a bar for only 45 minutes. heights of editor. When I say pro- comments about anything in gener- When paying £12 you always have moted I mean bullied. Anyway this al like the tramp who you chraitably to ask, “What do you actually get?” Look its ice but in the shape of a glass aren’t they clever. week we have a review from yours gave your bear to or the corner shop Well, you get 45 minutes in a room truly on Smoke at Pacha and one bman who gives you free bear for a kept at -5oC, a silver poncho to keep from a lovely blonde lady, on the look of your breasts. Drop me a line you warm and a free drink, which there is a giant ice vodka bottle available drink in the bar. The Ice Icebar. in a going living stylee. is drank out of a large ice cube! that you can stand in and several Bar is a fantastic experience and [email protected] Luckily everyone looks the same so ice bricks along the wall engraved I would recommend anyone to go, you don’t need to worry how stupid with phrases. The drinks are pretty just make sure you wear plenty of you might look. expensive, so make the most of your layers. My buxom bar wench! The actual bar is pretty small but free one, with vodka being the only Chloe Child Drunken Imperialites! Oh, how our supposedly crap student union. amusing they are! Those quiet, rec- I mean, I worked on a Friday and luse, geeky shells are broken off and the place was as quiet as a petrified abandoned, unleashing intoxicated, mute with no hands, but there were rowdy, horny demonic like beasts, still people puking up on the dance Pacha who don’t really know when to stop. floor and passing out in the union No they really don’t have you ever office. Maybe I shouldn’t promote had to listen to them talk about this kind of behaviour; then again calculators for three hours.It really I’m not the one clearing up the sick or is quite a sight when some out-of- (don’t tell anyone I’m meant to), but more of this kind of partying attitude is just what we need to spice up our “Snakey thingy with suppose centre of student life. I know it’s out there, lurking inside Posher? blackcurranty stuff” all of us, geek or not . We just need I decided to try the in house night to delve deep underneath those dili- at Pacha last Friday. have to say place, skinny, spotty thing stumbles gent, commonsensical exteriors and this was one of my least successful up to the bar after one snakebite find that inner self screaming to evenings out. (half of which is down their generic fall over a bollard backwards after Having got to Pacha my friend T-shirt) asking for another “snakey consuming half its body weight in and I noticed something very pecu- thingy with blackcurranty stuff”. vodka oh and vomiting down your- liar. Those of you who have been to I’m being slightly cynical and down- self. Come on - I know you want Pacha will be familiar with the clien- right mean, but, seriously, working to… tele. They are generally quite attrac- behind the bar in the union has real- tive and dress up for the occasion. How did pacha go from this to this? But look at those breasts. ly opened my eyes to the potential of The Bar Wench There is no hint of skank anywhere. almost offensive was the sight of tom, with knee high black boots on. what can only be described as a This just made her appear as Mrs. “The first thing I beast climbing out of a cab. Why do potato head. To top it all off a large some girls not know the rules? Tits tattoo was present on an incredibly ENTER THE HIGH-FLYING noticed was an fleshy arm. Anyway, enough about “a cheap hooker in the clientele. I think you’ve got the WORLD OF FINANCE! abundance of gist. We never made it into the club (Temporary position available) King’s Cross who as they were going to charge us £10 sportswear.” each so we decided that if we were charges 50p and a going to pay to go somewhere it We need a temporary member of staff in the fi nance offi ce for This seemed to be a very different would be to a place where the cus- approximately 4 weeks from the last week in November. The night to what I was used to. The bunch of grapes” tomers don’t look like they cant walk first thing I noticed was that there and talk at the same time because main activity will be cashiering and banking the trading outlets was an abundance of sportswear. I and legs and arms are not accept- they’re pushing their many prams of takings. wear sportswear to do sport, not to able exposed all at the same time. kids they had when they were 14 and go to a club. I mean, what is wrong I mean, it’s not hard to understand named Formica or Magenta. The work will take 2-3 hours each day. We pay an enhanced rate with the kids of today. I was a lit- - if the above rules are forgotten you From what I heard the tle taken back by this but I didn’t end up looking like a cheap hooker music was very generic funky house, (£5.60 ph) and offer many other benefi ts as well. judge too much except when the in King’s Cross who charges 50p the same stuff you get at any “funky people in front of me opened their and a bunch of grapes for a go. This house”. My advice to the manage- You should be numerate, meticulous and accurate. mouths and shouted on front of the particular lady had forgotten these ment would be it is better to have entrance “One of you go to the shop! rules, but to say someone would pay a club that is open less but has a I wana get lashed before I get in her for a jump is being generous. better reputation than a club which Please email Chinere Iroegbu if you there”. This is perfectly acceptable She had one of those bizarre figures is open every week and lets any old wish to apply for this position. if you are a fish wife and it is market where she was just a ball of lard with tramps in. day. The next thing which I found two tree trunks poking out the bot- Aaron Mason Pembridge Gardens Hall

Imperial’s best hall of residence! The neighbours loved it!

Think you’re better looking?

Pose here. We would like to feature page 3 every week. All you have to do is email us at [email protected]. Girls and Boys please. We believe in equal rights. felix 16 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 November 2005

[email protected]@imperial.ac.uk Revoltingfood Recipes & drink and Toad in the Hole Ok, so the Main Dining Hall isn’t that bad. Actually I was pleasantly surprised... Hannah Theodorou ners after a term of finding strands Anyway, I’m horribly aware the happened to be chicken curry and ners I had previously experienced Food & Drink Editor of dinner lady hair in my gravy food column tends to be awash with rice. I was subsequently then pushed anyway. and greenflies in the rare piece of nostalgia and cakes so I thought I out the other end. Traumatised I Although stuffed I had to try the veryone has their own lettuce. I sat down outside on the would do something practical for the tried to find hot pudding but was crumble and custard which I even- memories of school din- school benches whatever the weath- Imperial student and enlighten all pointed in three different directions tually discovered randomly in the ners. Whether you went er munching on stuffed pitta bread of those who have never visited the by staff and eventually had to give Burger Bar. When I asked the lady to a state school where and carrot sticks. It was a happy Main Dining Hall. It was finally time up and paid at the till. It was then behind the bar if I could have cus- fish fingers and potato existence until I was banned from to venture out of the SAF with it’s that I realised you had to get a knife tard with my crumble she nodded Esmilies where plopped on your plate the benches for exploding a drink overpriced and mayonnaise-filled and fork before paying and had a and walked off so I leaned over, or Eton where you could expect the carton when it was back to gravy sandwiches and trek over to the run-in with a semi security guy ask- grabbed the ladle and helped myself. various components of a roast din- and peas swimming around turkey Sherfield building for what was to be ing if I had paid. It was just like puddings from back ner complete with mint sauce, it was dinosaurs. It fitted in with all the my first hot meal at Imperial. Sad, After re-grouping with friends and at school; soggy with custard, sug- hard to avoid them. Just thinking clichés of school dinners that Jamie considering I’m in the 2nd year. sampling their various dishes I was ary and moreish. about it truly takes you back to the Oliver shudders at the thought of. Anyway, I sheepishly approached pleasantly surprised at how nice Some students complain food on days of lunch queues and being hit As far as I was concerned, the only the counters clutching my tray and each of the options was. Of par- campus is overpriced and unhealthy with tennis balls whilst panicking good thing about school dinners was was swept up by a throng of starving ticular note was the thai pork strips, but I challenge you to find a bal- about the lunch break disappearing the pudding. Prefarably chocolate students. Before I knew what was chicken and beef curries, fish and anced meal off campus for near the all too quickly. cake with chocolate custard. Et sans going on I had to give my order and chips and the salmon slice. Certainly price that doesn’t involve washing Personally I gave up on school din- les cheveux. pointed to the nearest thing, which better than any of the school din- up.

MAIN DINING HALL: 4/5 £2.56 Main meal with discount £1.53 BurgerBar with discount £1.11 Pudding (pictured below)

Lunch time at spaghetti junction. Courtesy of Stevie. The Burger bar- serves fish burgers, veggie burgers, meat burgers.....

Toad in the Hole (serves 3) 2. Slowly add the flour, sifting it Close the oven door and cook for 30 3. Transfer to a large bowl and add in if you have a sieve. Add it until minutes until golden brown. the sugar, flour, and lightly beaten Find more recipes that Toad in the hole is a perfect recipe the mixture feels less runny which egg yolks. feature in Roald Dahl’s for cold weather. If you’re a fan of sounds ridiculous but it’s the best Bruce Bogtrotter’s Cake books like Pickled Spines steaming yorkshire puddings and way to desribe it. Making batter is (from Roald Dahl’s 4. Whisk the egg whites until stiff. of Porcupines and Hornets sausages this is a match made in all down to experience- the finished Revolting Recipes) Gently fold half of the whites into Stewed in Tar, along with heaven. Serve with 2 veg and gravy. product should be like emulsion the chocolate mixture, blending Strawberry coated Choco- paint but it won’t be the end of the In case it’s been a decade since you thoroughly, then fold in the 6-8 sausages world if it’s not exact. last read Matilda, Bruge Bogtrotter remaining whites. late Fudge in his revolting 1 pint of milk was the obese glutton who was recipe books. Email food. 2 eggs, roughly beaten 3. Leave the batter to stand while forced to eat an entire cake in front 5. Pour the batter into the cake [email protected] with salt and pepper you place the sausages into an oven of the whole school. Why don’t you pan and bake for about 35 minutes. your favourite recipe for the 1 cup of flour tray at least 5cm deep, and drizzle try the Bogtrotter challenge? I could There will be a thin crust on top chance to win a copy. drizzle of vegetable oil with a small amount of vegetaable only manage 2 pieces...... Have I of the cake, and if tested with a oil. Cook for 5 minutes. mentioned that one serving alone is toothpick the inside will appear 1. To make the batter pour the more than your recommended daily undercooked (don’t worry, the cake milk into a bowl and season with 4. After 5 minutes pull the tray intake of saturated fat? will get firmer as it cools). Remove salt and pepper. Add the eggs and out slightly and pour the batter into from the oven, and let cool in the whisk gently. the hot tray around the sausages. 8 oz chocolate pan on a wire rack. 12 tablespoons butter (200g) 1 cup sugar 6. While the cake is cooling, make 1/4 cup plain flour the icing. Melt the chocolate with 6 eggs, separated, yolks lightly the cream in a heavy–bottomed beaten saucepan over lowest heat, stirring for the icing: occasionally until the chocolate is 200g chocolate fully melted and blended with the 200g double cream cream. Remove from heat and let cool slightly. 1. Preheat the oven to 350°F. Line an 8 inch cake pan with wax paper 7. When it’s cool enough to handle, and butter the bottom and sides of remove it from the pan and discard the paper. the wax paper. The cake is prone to sinking slightly in the middle, so 2. Melt the chocolate in a Pyrex flip it upside down before icing by bowl set in a saucepan of simmering placing a plate on top and carefully water or in a microwave on low turning over the cake pan and heat. Mix in the butter and stir until plate together. Carefully spread the melted. chocolate icing all over the cake. felix Thursday 10 November 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 17

[email protected] Abooks Picture is Worth a The American

Thousand Words being that a lot of it is given away Dreamer and never have the need to work in the title itself and what actually Of Mice And Men another job again. As with most of The Old Man & The Sea takes place can be summed up in a by John Steinbeck Steinbeck’s works this tragic book by Ernest Hemingway paragraph. is tinted with wit and casual light However, this is far from an heartedness in sharp contrast to the Retesh Bajaj Retesh Bajaj unsatisfying read. What the author painfully moving climax the author has managed to accomplish is to presents to the reader. It is a story capture a moment from his imagi- y 2 pence: tragic, about the true meaning of friend- y 2 pence: Slow-paced, nation and display it in its entirety humorous and well ship, bitter irony and the failure of colourful, descriptive to the world – not unlike a picture or written; simple in hope that so many experienced in and devoid of any sculpture, which, I believe, was his idea and brilliant in Middle America during that period. real story. A timeless intention. The title, the reader will execution – the ideal Steinbeck’s characters are vibrant classic, nonetheless, notice, could be to a painting. No, ‘light’M literature read that can be and colourful, if a tad one-dimen- thatM is a fascination to behold and not much happens in this book in sped through in no time at all. sional, which is to be expected in a a pleasure to read. terms of plot, but that’s not the kind Throughout the history of novella as very little time is devoted When I decided to review a Nobel of creation the author (or is it artist, Literature, there has never been to character progression. They are Prize winning novella by, arguably, now?) wanted. The author simply a more quintessentially American who and what they are and that one of the greatest writers of 20th shows us the status quo – a poor, voice than that of John Steinbeck. doesn’t change throughout. Yet, his century English Literature, I found old man starving with no prospects His novels, by and large, cover the characters are delightfully believa- it a real challenge. There are per- to survive except for a struggle he theme of poverty and the quest for ble, allowing the reader to laugh and sons of far greater wisdom and far probably cannot win; and, in doing the American Dream – the idea of commiserate with them, adding to deeper insight than yours truly that so, he generates a deeper level self-sufficiency, independence and the overall strength of the writing. have dedicated entire lifetimes in of sympathy than any plot driven choice. Perhaps understandable as The conclusion of this novella study and admiration of this novella, narrative could achieve. The read- he grew up in and was greatly influ- does, however, feel a bit rushed, if not the author himself. Therefore, er cannot help but be taken into enced by the Great Depression, his lacking the near perfect tempo of my criticising Mr Hemingway’s the hopelessness, perseverance novels carry a dark undertone of the rest of the narrative – perhaps paramount achievement should be ing his talents and experience. The and blind hope that the protago- hopelessness and futility – some- to add to a sense of urgency and to taken with as much cynicism as written word appears to be carefully nist embodies; instead of waiting thing very obvious in this short catch the reader off guard with its the reader believes I deserve. For, selected to avoid losing the reader’s to see what happens to a distant novel. His honest style portraying message. Unfortunately, the author criticise it, I did. When I re-read interest with an overflow of mean- character, the reader, in essence, the true brutality of the economic fails in this aspect, at least with this this novella for reviewing purposes, ingless imagery; he uses language becomes the old man. This close- disaster of those decades on the reader, and the ending seems too I emptied my mind of any notions as paint yet is careful not to dazzle ness to the character is the driving common blue-collar American led abrupt, though still powerful enough I had earlier as to the genius of us with colour, as it were. The qual- force behind the storm of emotions him to, deservedly, win enormous to make this more than a satisfying Ernest Hemingway and the fact ity of writing by Mr Hemingway can produced when this book is read, as literary acclaim – including the read. that I had enjoyed this book before. never be doubted to be among the it certainly was with this reader. Pulitzer Prize, National Book Award Steinbeck’s book is far from per- Firstly, this is indeed a novella – a best in modern English; he has an This creation is nothing like an and even the coveted Nobel Prize. fect, but it brings to heart a type of very thin read that should take about innate sense of getting the reader ordinary piece of literature; it says This novella, set during the Great humanity that is very hard to find two days to tear through for the to follow him into the depths of his nothing but shows us more than Depression in America, centres on in other books – the prospects faced average reader. However, a quick mind and see with his eyes – a qual- could ever be said. The story goes the fortunes of two poor farmers on by his protagonists never seem to read this is not. It is extremely slow ity which many attempt to emulate nowhere but takes our hearts with it the road in America searching for be impossible or fantastic, but only to get through and remains so even today, without success. nonetheless. I believe it was Oscar work; the one large, strong and of lit- too real. It isn’t a monument to the throughout its ‘climax’. Yet, this is The story for this novella is pret- Wilde who said, “The only excuse tle intelligence and the other smart American spirit nor is it inspiration- not a book to be laboured through, ty much non-existent; there is an for making a useless thing is that and almost fatherly in taking care al, but it is what every person out but to be savoured. The author offers encounter with a big fish as the Old one admires it intensely. All art is of his comrade. They have a dream there can relate to. This realism is the reader gratuitous amounts of Man in question goes fishing one quite useless.” This, my fellow read- – to be able to earn enough to buy the reason readers such as I return gorgeously selected prose and near day and this is a description of that ers, is an exquisite read and a work a piece of land for themselves and to this piece of literature every year infinite descriptions – all done in a event. I certainly don’t believe that of art if I’ve ever seen one. work on their own time and terms; or so – to remember that some- masterful manner clearly portray- warrants the word story. The reason grow what they need to survive times, dreams don’t come true.

[email protected]

no matter what sort of loud mouthed, who are less well endowed (and Roberto assured that this is an investment pretentious self righteous do-gooder maybe a wonderbra with chicken Cavalli: for life. Alas, for those of you who you are, let’s make sure that while fillets, let’s be honest there’s prob- Autumn/Win- have spent the student loan and the fashionon firms or meeting future employ- ably going to be a fit older year ter 05-6 bank of mum and dad is unavailable ers, you always look good. To keep student!) For those with ample He turned - then Next, Topman and M&S do an your budget cheap buy a few pairs bosoms remember not to wear down a deal affordable range of smart trousers, of smart black and grey trousers high necked tops as this makes with Posh shirts and ties. But don’t forget that (Topshop have a range from £18 with your torso look rectangular. This Spice as she the charity shops in South Ken are student discount). Make sure that Autumn sees the return of the skirt was “too full of business mens designer suits, the trousers have a crease down suit - although the model opposite common”, the only snag is that they might not Dolly Delaney the middle and aren’t tight on the looks great, not all of us are 6ft, so but Kate fit, so start looking now! Fashion editor thighs and bottom. For those who only those with long calves should Moss now are short, do not buy bootcut trou- do this look. To make your outfit ometimes when I look at sers as they make you look like a completely unique, don’t forget has the deal! Think you’re the medical school, I won- midget. Instead, buy straight leg- to accessorize. There are many der about what sort of doc- ged trousers and wear shoes with shops selling beautiful broaches, more than a month, one suit and a Dofabulous? you think you’re more fash- tors they’ll all make. Many a slight heel to give added height. earrings and necklaces that can white shirt can get a little boring. ionable than me? Send me a of them will of course go However, if you’re vertically gifted, easily turn the most plain black My lovely male housemates have picture and with you name and Sprivate, as all they can think of is wear trousers that slightly flair out suit, into a chic fashion statement informed me that a boy needs to department. If I agree then you their bank balance and how big their at the bottom so you avoid look- Vogue would be proud of! have one classic suit, with a few could be in the next issue of F house is. Others will go into the NHS ing like you’re on stilts. Team these For men standard attire is of striking ties and one tailor - made elix! and selflessly donate their time to smart trousers with simple figure course the suit. But when you white shirt. However, this may [email protected] actually helping others for once. But hugging tops, think v-necks for those have to wear smart clothes for cost in the range of £500, but I’m felix 18 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 November 2005 We must not tolerate intolerance!

n last week’s Felix (No.1333, “ULU in apology, which in my opinion he did not, I Our welfare and equal opportunity chaos”), we saw coverage of some of the would not be satisfied with simply letting this representatives need to take homophobia and latest homophobic remarks of University of go. What Luca posted was not a light jibe – it Islamophobia seriously – not just as issues ILondon Union (ULU) Council Chair, Luca was a threat of shooting someone because of that can be swept under the carpet. It is not Manfredi. On a notice board, he said that should their sexuality. Nor is this the first time Luca good enough to accept as a justification for a future son of his introduce him to his boy- has aired his candid and bigoted views. Just a intolerant comments that they were only friend, he would “take out a big gun and make year ago, he posted similar comments, one of intended to ‘provoke’. Nor is it adequate to allow sure he [would] not dishonour my family”. which supported the idea of parents telling their a representative like Luca to give a half-hearted He was subsequently forced to apologise, but children to commit suicide rather than come out. apology and think that that should be fine. rather than do so with any sign of remorse, he He said that he would stick to that “until they Intolerance does not just affect those it is tried to qualify his remarks by saying that “the introduce me to their same-sex friends; at that aimed at, but all of us as students who believe comments were intended for use against one point I would commit two murders”. in a decent society. Our union should take Alon Or-bach very restricted group of people”. This shows he The wider problem we face is not just bigots a more proactive approach in challenging does not understand that it was his comments like Luca, but those that seem to think that such discrimination of all forms. We should celebrate that were offensive and unacceptable and not bigoted views are acceptable. Just imagine a our involvement in Rise Student Week, tackling against whom he intended them. As Chair student representative saying that he’d shoot his racism and Islamophobia. And I hope that of ULU Council, Luca Manfredi is regarded son if he converted Islam – or if he came home our union will get involved in ULU’s London as a representative of London students. His with a black girlfriend. Homophobia isn’t as Liberated campaign and Equality Month in comments concerning homosexuality give visible as other hatreds – and we must tackle all February. We cannot allow our representatives no confidence in his ability to represent all forms of bigotry head-on. It matters not whether to stand by, pleading impartiality. Only by students, especially those that he believes are they affect ten percent of the student population stamping out hate can we live in a community living in sin. or just one – prejudiced discrimination should that values people for their worth, and to live Even if he had given a full and sincere not be tolerated. free from fear, violence and prejudice. On belief and suﬀering A response to Anushri Patel’s “A good God would not kill people” in Felix 1331

n Anushri Patel’s recent column, she asked someone, then God shouldn’t be angry about it put on him – he is my substitute. “For all have some big questions about God’s nature in the – because after all, we’re just doing what we feel sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are light of some of the natural disasters we’ve like. justified freely by his grace through the redemp- Iseen recently. We want to be thinking people, But that’s not what Bible says. Sin is much tion that came by Christ Jesus. God presented and the Bible is God’s word and has answers to more serious. The Bible tells us that all sin is him, as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in these profound questions. rebellion against God. It destroys us and our his blood.” (Romans 3:23-25). It’s important to keep God’s character in mind relationship with him. It is a grave offence before Jesus himself says “I am the resurrection and here. God is Love, and He is Justice. We know God, because every sin primarily stems from a the life. He who believes in me will live, even what love is, because that’s what God is like. Do compromise to do evil on our part. A God who though he dies; and whoever lives and believes you see? If God did not love, or was not just or is perfectly upright can never come to terms in me will never die.” So, even though we are all even good, then we wouldn’t even have words for with evil, never. There can be no compromise, sinners who stand utterly guilty, bankrupt, and these things. because if there ever is, then he has allowed evil without hope, God in Jesus Christ has opened Joel Holdsworth We have this weird concept of what the world to prevail, and has failed to be ultimately good. the way for the relationship with him to be ought to be like. We feel that natural disasters So where do we stand before God, the perfect restored. God’s justice and love are finally satis- ought not to happen, and that there ought not judge? Ecclesiastes 7:20 says: “There is not a fied. It’s a free gift; all we have to do is believe in to be any suffering or sadness. In a world with- righteous man on earth who does what is right him. He will do the rest! out a loving or just God, why shouldn’t these and never sins”, and Ezekiel 18:4 says “The soul Suffering has existed in this world for as long things happen? In this world, suffering happens who sins is the one who will die.” It’s as simple as sin has, but that sin and pain have been fully regularly, but everyone, whatever they believe, as that. and finally defeated by Christ Jesus – no wonder feels instinctively that the world is not the way it What does the face of sin look like – Hitler, he’s the most famous man in history! No one ought to be. We feel a crushing sense of injustice Stalin? Yes, but also people like you and me. else has done what he has, not even close. and outrage at the suffering we see and experi- What hope can there be for us? We are account- Revelation 21, has this prophecy about heaven: ence every day. Even Jesus felt this way. able to God. The suffering we see in the world “And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, The big question is: how can anyone deserve today is simply a curtain raiser for the time ‘Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will to die in a natural disaster like Kashmir or when God’s justice is finally poured out. live with them. They will be his people, and God Katrina? In Luke 13:4-5, Jesus talks about a This can be very hard to swallow. We usually himself will be with them, and be their God. He crowd of people crushed by a collapsing building: simply judge ourselves by our own standards, will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will “those eighteen on whom the tower of Siloam and when we do that, of course, we come off be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, fell and killed them: do you think that they were looking pretty good, but before God and his per- for the old order of things has passed away.’” worse offenders than all the others who lived in fect standard we are guilty. No matter how good Every week, the Christian Union runs Impact, Jerusalem? No, I tell you; but unless you repent, or bad any of us think we are, we are all in a an event held in the Union Dining Hall between you will all likewise perish.” desperate state. 12 and 1pm on Tuesdays. It’s a chance to inves- You see, we often think sin is like cream cakes: This is the good news of the Gospel – that rath- tigate the claims of the Bible in a relaxed and a little bit naughty, but at the same time sort er than leaving us lost in our sin with no future, friendly environment and to ask any questions of nice. No big deal. It doesn’t hurt anyone. As God sent his own Son, Jesus Christ, to die in our you may have. All are welcome, and we’d love to long as we don’t do anything too bad, like kill place. The punishment that I deserve has been see you there. When in Paris, do as the French ive la resistance! Never has it been heard does not even register. If our lives were grey masks the opportunity for glory. Perhaps known in modern history for a section truly changed for the worse, if first years were we should be happy. It means that for the most of a community to rebel so absolutely made to live on the streets due to Southside’s part our lives are taken care of, and that each V against the order of the day. Riots all demolition, if tuition fees were so high that day we are assured of a mundane existence. No over northern Parisian suburbs, and even last only those with actual “inheritances” could go evil to fight, no cause to be won. night in central areas, have continued for ten into higher education, we would act decisively. Over the horizon, however, there is much nights straight. Assuredly, more riots are to And if necessary, angry or hurt enough, we turmoil. Natural disasters and war are follow. The spirit of the Resistance seems to would all fight (and indeed burn) like those that commonplace. One could not be blamed for have embedded itself in a paradoxically vicious are doing the same in France, perhaps as we asking “what is wrong with the world?” Its manner with members of France’s economically speak. It is a harsh reality to bear, but if we or inhabitants and its habitat. There, people are deprived North African community. Such is the society take enough from people, the equal and moving. Insurgencies, repression and truly effect of the perceived meaningless loss of life, opposite reaction to pain spirals out of control. beautiful acts of compassion often draw well-off Omar Hashmi no matter the number. Two or two million, the Don’t get me wrong; I’m not “inciting” anyone to boredom-heads like ourselves to areas where emotional effect is the same. These actions mark anything sinister. But what a spectacle it would we can feel some special kind of life. There is no a totally frustrated and deprived set of people. be for students to find some real excitement hope for ultimate success, with shockingly little Yes, the violence is their own fault, but the rage in their lives. Heroes are made only when the faith in our leaders to govern well, let alone to of those particular individuals could be seen as circumstances are there for true courage to achieve world peace, its nigh on impossible. But intoxicating. show. Yet there is no modern war that affects all what a life to live! It sure as hell beats the essay Comparatively, the student reputation of today, no great cause to rally the masses, no idea I have to write now that’s already late and had being politically active and making their voices to change the governance of life. Each shade of 20% deducted. Damn the stress. felix Thursday 10 November 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 19

No 1334 Thursday 10 November 2005 felix [email protected] This isn’t school Although the rationale for intro- “ ducing the ruling that forces students to display their swipe card The almost at all times is understandable, the almost guaranteed failure of the guaranteed policy to thwart a potential terrorist attack nullifies the exercise. For the failure of the policy to fulfil its objective, Security Officers would need to be stationed at every single entrance to campus, policy to thwart which would drain College’s already stretched resources. a terrorist attack If a potential intruder desired access to College he/she would not nulliﬁes the have to do much homework to dis- cover the public right of way along exercise. Imperial College Road, from which any building in College is readily accessible. It looks likely that the only thing the dress code will achieve is to get students riled. Most freshers ” arriving at university are elated at being able to throw off the shackles of imposed dress codes and start expressing themselves through the way they dress. It looks like Imperial College does not believe in freedom of expression through mass to flout these new rules, the College need to be shown what students all started wearing hood- dress. College will have to back down and the overwhelming student opinion ies with swearwords blazoned The success or failure of this have a re-think. There is no way is on this matter, especially with across the front, they would see directive is in the hands of the stu- that they can forcibly remove all regard to the wearing of hoodies what a real offensive dress problem dent body. If the students decide on students from campus. and “offensive dress”. Perhaps if was.

have been known to do on occasion! The pointless month in hospital in my second year brought me to Bring me political revival their attention – and I had to start using the 190 in order to avoid the refrain of ‘hey Indian girl. You got between the terms ‘asylum seek- And in that final sentence we pretty eyes’ and similarly pathetic ers, immigrants and foreigners’, if I have the crux of the matter; ‘I ministrations! did I apologise. I am fully aware of feel’; it is my opinion. I love Britain Regretfully, St Peter’s is distinctly the differences but my point holds but frankly I want to emigrate to lacking on the Hospital Watch true for all, if they are not British Australia because I am so fed up front. The male nursing students citizens, why should the British of the political situation in this from Surrey Polytechnic are tax payer pay for them to sit in a country. I freely admit what I am best described as cousins of the prison cell? I also felt I made it very and do; I vote conservative because repulsive Craig from Malcolm clear that I was fully aware of the 1) I don’t like the amount of tax I in the Middle and the Simpsons’ consequences for some people if have to pay, 2) I hate Tony Blair and Comic Book guy, without so much they were deported; I said that if 3) I want to go fox hunting again. as a sense of humour to make them they really were being terrorised Alex, in my opinion, is a liberal, attractive. St George’s men are an in their own country they would be world saving do-gooder whereas improvement, since they’ve been more careful not to break the law I think that we, in Britain, have to generous enough to invite us out to because they would have so much look after our own interests first a couple of parties, but ten G&T’s to lose. and make sure that everything is later the lack of medical knowledge I am not talking about someone sorted in our own country before between them meant only one being caught speeding here but we go to save everyone else. Stormy Woods thing: that things in the sack Iain Heaton things like human trafficking, rape I don’t want to cut all weren’t going to be great. and beating women are fairly major communication to the rest of This leaves only one thing – the crimes and, to me, they suggest the world (I’m not a communist, reetings from the salubri- doctors. Paediatrics is a speciality that the people who do them are far from it) but I think it’s more ous land of Ottershaw, known to attract the geekier, In reply to Alex Guite’s ‘Things not very nice and can probably important to sort out things like home to St Peter’s hospi- slightly weedy types. So we’ve got could be worse than missing look after themselves in a country the NHS and the failing education Gtal, replete with the uglier ten pairs of glasses worn by ten Neighbours’ (which I don’t think is that is less friendly and welcoming system than piss off the entire members of the St George’s cohort, Indian men the size of my left arm true at all), I have the following to than Britain. Likewise, if they are Middle East. No other country is and not much else! True geeks may and a fundamentalist Christian say; firstly I did not actually call the a terrorist from a rather extreme so obsessed with correcting all the recognise the comedy value of the from China. The consultants fare column, ‘I should write for the daily country I would not suggest they wrongs in the world as us; America aforementioned depravity; it hosts slightly better, with Thunderbird mail’, that was the Felix’s editor are sent back to their own country only does it because it is to their none other than the award-win- getting a sizeable edge over Baldy idea and in doing so, I feel, he gave because they might be free to com- own advantage. What is perhaps ning computer games purveyor, since he doesn’t own a disdainful the column racist and xenophobic mit more atrocious acts against even worse is the fact that we don’t Electronic Arts, vast leafy woodland mouth or a Mr Burns’ haircut. overturns which were not intended. Britain later on. actually try to save everyone, at and a motorway to slit your neck Since Thunderbird is the only one That is only incidental though, He also said that I had a ‘loose least then we would be consistent. on. in shape, with a full head of hair, there are many more points I would grip’ on the asylum figures in When thousands of people in The nearest watering hole is many a tutorial has been spent like to clarify for Alex (notice I use Britain, it is wonderfully true what Zimbabwe were being terrorised over three miles away, in leafy listening to his authoritative voice your first name, not ‘Guite’ because you can prove with figures, for by Robert Mugabe, no one lifted a Addlestone along with a Tesco and dreaming of what could be in a I do not like too appear conde- example I can prove that there are finger to stop it because they were a series of kebab and chicken shops master-slave situation. I’d quite like scending and rude, even though I more new asylum seekers applying all too scared of being called racist, for entertainment. Thankfully the to take him to a Chelsea dungeon, may be both those things). each year than there are failed asy- ex colonials trying to reclaim their men at these shops are courteous though quite what his country I did not ‘grudgingly admit’ that lum seekers being deported (mainly lost empire. in their interactions – none of that mare of a wife would make of that, only a very small amount of crime because the Government can’t I know that to Alex all of this will faux-Bollywood singing malarkey I don’t know - I guess we’ll have is committed by asylum seekers, catch them), therefore the number make me seem stupid, insular and our decidedly raucous friends on to make do with the play-piercing I made it perfectly clear. Also I in Britain is increasing and I feel unaware of the political situation in North End Road’s now-defunct opportunities the acupuncture did not feel I ‘loosely swapped’ this shouldn’t be the case. the world - but that is his opinion. Lillee Pizza and Fried Chicken needles in the neonatal unit afford felix 20 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 November 2005

The author of the ‘star’ letter received each week will win £10 Letters to the editor [email protected]

Stormy Woods about her ailing listened too. The people that aim lead to beleive... it’s got old toilet roll in it!) touch lovelife. If its not construction to use the Sherman lounge would their lips as they taste whatever Star workers leering at her, its “balding need to remove the mats, which Regards, fancy syrup and sprinkles they have South Africans” trying to pick given the recent transformation is Graham Ford on their drinks. Letter her up on the 72 bus. The poor not a 5 minutes job, so the Sherman So the next time you wish to girl must have such a hard life, lounge is probably not the best Hannah Theodorou, Food Editor, order your “skinny-mocha-chino- everyone wants a bit of Stormy place for them. replies: frappa-dabbi-do-das…with God loving, which makes you wonder, If the competent authorities knows what on top”, sit posing in just how attractive the anonymous looked into matters like these Dear Graham, the window staring at all the folk Extremist at Imperial? Miss Woods is. After all, the rather than ignoring them Imperial Thankyou for reading my articles you think you’re above in society, Dear Editor, majority of her week is made up of would have facilities that could so avidly. Unfortunately I cannot drinking from a paper cup because fending off requests for a “fuck”, so meet up to the standards of other speak for Ping and Paul so the the staff don’t trust you to hold a I’m writing in response to your are we destined to see Stormy in UK Universities even if Imperial matter of whether or not the beans mug safely…remember that the editorial about the group ‘Hizb ut the latet issue of FHM’s high street College is in central London. were served hot is not something owners of the shop are laughing Tahrir’. The vast majority of IC honeys? Well unfortunately not I can resolve. As for prices, their bollocks off at you – you might students, including myself, know readers, I have it on good authority Yours truly, enclosed is the breakfast bar’s as well pay to breathe and shit. little about what this organisation is that Stormy Woods is a minger! No most recent price list. The discount about and why it warrants a ban, so wonder you can’t get a boyfriend Johannes Gambari for students is considerable and, Anonymous I think it might help if Felix gave us love! Perhaps you should grab a 1st year Physics PhD compared to alternative breakfast PS Tea tastes better a bit more information about them. balding South African while you joints, the prices are comparativey I’ve spent my evening using Google can, because let’s face it, things are reasonable. By the way, students trying to find out information about only going to get worse over time! no longer recieve grants as Bar Nights Hizb ut Tahrir. As far as I can see, Felix standard any more – funds are Hizb ut Tahrir is a political party Name and deptartment supplied raised through repayble loans. Dear Editor, with a revolutionary left-leaning Dear Editor, Look out for my review of the main ideology which seeks to achieve Stormy Woods replies: dining hall in the upcoming Felix. It has come to my attention that its aims via non-violent means. Felix as we all know is the Felix are having regular bar nights According to GlobalSecurity.org: Dear bitter and twisted newspaper of the students, for the for their staff in the union, where “[Hizb ut Tahrir] ... remains a transvestite masturbator, students. We’re a good fun loving the beer is paid for from Felix’s radical organization. Hizb ut-Tahrir Since you have chosen to hide so bunch of people and our tastes Coffee shops coffers. is not against violence as such. It is cowardly, under the bastion of differ tremendously. However, I Dear Editor, I was just wondering a) where the just against the use of violence now. anonymity, I cannot address you think most of us can agree that we money for this beer is coming from But they still think jihad (holy war) in your own good name. Thank would like something interesting What’s with these trendy coffee and b) how the editor intends to is a positive concept. The United you for your insolent email, my in our paper. Last week I was shops that litter this city we live justify this kind of expense on beer States Government is continuing meanness is a subjective matter browsing through and there was a in? I really don’t understand why when surely the money could be to monitor Hizb ut-Tahrir... the of personal taste, although I feel section on Politics and a Business people need so many places to buy being used to improve the facilities United States has found no clear you are not at liberty to comment section... this might be interesting something you can make yourself available to writers, subeditors and ties between Hizb ut-Tahrir and without letting me have a fair for some, but I feel that we are all for practically no cost at all. I future editors in the Felix terrorist activity. Hizb ut-Tahrir crack at you. Give us your name capable of picking up a (discounted) went walking through one part of office? has not been proven to have and we’ll see what the voice of copy of the Times or Financial this city the other day, doing a bit involvement in or direct links to any female opinion at Imperial says Times if we want to know about of shopping for particular items. Thanks, recent acts of violence or terrorism. about what you’ve got to offer. these issues. These papers are Could I find what I was looking for? Nor has it been proven to give certainly more up to date, and I feel Could I heck – every other shop A Concerned Student financial support to other groups that with these sections in Felix, was selling “skinny-mocha-chino- engaged in terrorism.” the paper becomes more boring frappa-dabbi-do-das…..with cream All at Felix collectively respond: Correct me if I’m wrong, but this Sporting facilities than it is already. This is not to and chocolate sprinkles on top”. makes Hizb ut Tahrir no worse Dear Felix, say we can’t have articles about Where I come from, there are Felix Bar Nights are essential if we than the Communist Party, which these if they affect the students. I no coffee shops in the village are to produce a good newspaper. isn’t facing a ban. What do most students want from have been reading Felix for several streets. Go into the nearest town The Imperial student body, as we The Union should look into this the union? “Sporting facilities years, and I’m disappointed that it and there’s still none - people all know, is not a very literate closely, and I think we at IC should that meet up to the standards is no longer holding my attention make their coffee in the morning, bunch. It is very hard to build up come to our own decision rather of other British Universities”, is for more than a few minutes. using coffee power, milk and a good team of contributors from than following others. So I think we the most common answer I have Please make it more interesting! boiling water. If they love their a group of people who have a very need to look into the reasons why heard. Students live a stressful life coffee enough, they make a lot heavy study schedule and aren’t the NUS barred the group, and why at Imperial and most people find Simon Pascoe and put it all in a flask so as to trying to crack into journalism. the government wants to ban them. stress relief in Physical activities. drink it throughout the day. Hey, it This isn’t Cardiff, Cambridge or And importantly - are they anti- Aikido is a practical accessible to Rupert Neate replies: beats paying £2+ every time! For York, which have to fend off many Semitic or not? I haven’t been able all martial art that teaches self the price of your average coffee- great writers as everyone there to find a definitive answer from my defense and leaves plenty of room Thanks for your letter. Felix exists bar coffee, you can buy enough wants to work for the Guardian. evening’s web surfing. for self-improvement. not only to entertain, but also to ingredients to make many drinks, There has to be some incentive If we have proof that the group Situated near Paddington the give students the opportunity to exactly the way you like them! for people to spend hours and has been peddling racial hatred on Sherman lounge is a space used have a go at being journalists. I hear the average cost to the hours toiling away creating your campus, then that most certainly by martial arts that require mats, What would hold your attention? vendor to make you a ‘coffee’ in newspaper. One of those incentives calls for a ban. Besides, surely Aikido being among them. At the I think we’ve got quite a good one of these shops is little over 10p. is the Felix Bar Night. These are even an extremist would agree that beginning of term, the Sherman balance of funny and serious stuff; How much do you pay for them? held only about three times a term, racism is forbidden in Islam - in lounge was closed down so that it’s certainly less serious than £2? £3 sometimes?? You can get a and we have not yet spent over which case the organisation ought works could be done to turn it into last year. Also, it does seem to be decent bite to fill a hole in the day £200. When you consider that this to ban itself! a proper dojo. Even if the societies appealing to the students (we are for that price. is only 10% of the income from one So what I’m saying is; if the Union lost valuable practice time and printing 500 more copies than last It’s also apparently ‘trendy’ to full page advert, the cost is negible. is to ban any group, it should be some members they were happy year). get this drink as a takeaway, so you If it were not for the hard work done for good reasons and the to have better facilities. Recently, can return to your place of work/ of everyone who contributes to student body should be informed the matted martial arts have been study holding a cup with a logo Felix, we would not attract such about those reasons. Otherwise it’ll told that they can not use the blazoned across it, telling everyone advertising. So in a sense the Felix look like the Union is stifling free Sherman lounge for the last week Food Felix in the room that you just bought a contributors are just reaping their speech. of November and possibly longer. Hi Guys, drink that was vastly overpriced…. reward for making the paper a The reason: another group of and isn’t actually coffee! “Oooh look great read. Kind Regards, people that have no link to martial Your breakfast report mentioned at me and my ‘vanilla-decaf-latte- We do also spend the money Mohammed Marikar arts have rented the place. Practice hot baked beans from the JCR. mocha-medium roast…..with toffee generated through advertising twice a week is very important Can you tell me at what time you sprinkles’….aren’t I trendy and on facilities – we are currently for matted martial arts especially went? I have used the JCR for cool?! paying off a loan, which paid before a long break. In addition the breakfast, off and on, for some Last time I drank out of a paper for our editoral suite and are in Stormy Woods Aikido society will be particularly eighteen months and have never cup, I was probably 8 years old. the process of investing in new Dear Rupert, badly affected since they have found anything to be hotter than The dinner ladies didn’t want the computers and a camera. It is not gradings in December. tepid! infants to have proper cups or a question of spending money on Thursday means one thing, picking The president, the secretary and Oh and you don’t print the prices glasses – we’d end up dropping bar nights instead of facilities. If up the latest copy of Felix. And like the instructor of the Aikido society but say it is “all student friendly”. them. Nowadays people will pay you believe there is a facility we every other Thursday there is the have already tried to resolve the Mmmm maybe the grants for out of their noses for the privilege are not offering which we could latest drivel from Ash-wannabe issue but they have not even been students are bigger than we are of having recycled paper (you know offer, please get in touch. felix Thursday 10 November 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 21

tv [email protected] Last week’s TV DVD Reviews I couldn’t care less which grunting the night of 24 rip-off Spooks, but Family Guy Presents Stewie Griffin Roman got screwed over next. This more importantly Gordon Ramsay’s - The Untold Story wasn’t helped by the fact that UK The F Word. This week he had a Certificate: 15 viewers get a trimmed down version bake-off against him mum. They of the US show. Three US shows were cooking apple puddings. She HHHII are streamlined into two of ours. was lovely, but Ramsey is even a Unknowingly, the BBC was doing us cheeky bastard to her. Not that I’d Pulled from US television schedules a favour. A lot of wasted denarii then, ever give my Petal jip... To be fair not once, but twice, it is perhaps sur- but the BBC won’t be complaining. I though, he was very complimentary prising to see a Family Guy movie. I can only hope that you didn’t have to his mum after he had beaten her use the term “movie” loosely, as this to suffer the torture of last night’s 2 votes to 1, saying she taught him 90 minute feature went straight to episode before reading this. everything he knows. Aww. Ramsay DVD and is little more than a buffed Thankfully, I only had a ten minute gets a bad press for swearing super- up, extended episode. However, this wait until Lost, so I brushed my fluously and being too hard on peo- is a fitting reward for fans who res- teeth and jumped in bed. Incidentally, urrected the series buying the DVD electric toothbrushes are safe – get in droves. Why it was pulled from one. And speaking of which, doesn’t “The BBC were television in the first place is a mys- Stewie recalling his failed attempt at it make you wonder how scrubbed tery, probably due to most American world domination, where he is found up the survivors manage to keep? whacking out some humour going along the lines of: hiding in a box by US infantry and Especially the blonde girl, you know statue is pulled down with chains by lright there. Welcome to a it. Blemish free skin and blinding “Oh man, if Ross finds out I Iraqis. Another very funny aside par- new section of Felix! I will ivory pegs - I dunno. Ahem, anyway, show Channel 5 how smashed his car up, he’s gunna be odies Indiana Jones, where Stewie be analysing and dissect- what an episode! You’ve probably mad.” is his Chinese side-kick complete ing (read: rambling on seen the next episode last night or it’s really done” “Err… Joey, Look behind you.” with “Dr Jones” catch phrase. about) the week’s enter- are even two episodes ahead if you up guy who featured in about two so annoyingly refer to it. If you’ve It was Mercutio’s, sorry Michael’s light and one I think he deserves. The Untold Story focuses on the series episodes. This also acts to got beef with my comments, want turn to be centre of attention. We He demands perfection, he is hon- best character in Family Guy as alienate first time Family Guy view- to suggest some programs I should found out his girlfriend left him and est and yet knows when he has gone it follows the calculating, mega- ers. There are plenty of in-jokes and tune in to, or want to send me fan took his child, but she died when too far such as when he apologised lomaniac baby from a near-death the humour may be too overwhelm- mail, you can do so by emailing: Walt was 9, giving reason to the to Joan Collins for kicking her out experience, to finding his real father ing for 90 minutes. The Untold Story [email protected] poor father-son relationship. Walt’s of his restaurant seven years ago. and finally a bit of time travel. The begins to lag after about an hour, but Last Wednesday evening saw the admiration of the bald-one contin- For that, he deserves reward and he journey is merely a changing back- it redeems itself for the finale. More first episode of HBO’s sex and san- ued and led to a tussle between is getting it from Channel 4 who are ground for the writers to unleash screen-time for Captain Syphilis dals, swords and violence, sex and Locke’s lap-dog Boone and a pro- rightfully airing this program. Watch their insane, twisted and controver- himself, Quagmire, would have been rape and sex epic Rome. From the tective Michael. Later, Walt wan- it, but I dare you to cook something sial humour upon. The jokes come welcome but there is too much of creators of the excellent Band Of dered off into the forest. In true Lost from it. thick and fast and they push the a good thing. I suppose this is The Brothers, BBC2 were hoping for fashion, we were kept on the edge Right, I’d better wrap this up for boundaries of decency even further Untold Story’s main failing. For fans great things from Rome. The proof our seats. Ten minutes to go. this week as I’m off to Battersea than the series. Joking about every of the series, they will feel right at gram was a massive success attract- Are we going to see the monsters? to see flowers blooming in the moral grey area under the sun, or home, on the sofa in Quahog. But it ing 6.6m viewers, unfortunately one Hell yes! But, oh..! It’s another polar night sky. I’ve been keeping one should that be Peter’s belly, there is is essentially a long episode. Family of whom was me. bear? The penultimate scenes were eye on X-Factor and all I can say even room to squeeze reference to Guy is best in short doses and if you Set during the era of Julius very tense and torn relationships about tonight is I hope the bloody incest. As always, there are many don’t already own the series DVDs, Caesar, it was billed as, “a story were resolved using the Hollywood Conway Sisters get kicked off. The trademark asides that are irrele- buy those first. of love and betrayal, masters and struggle-to-success therapy. Were last thing we need is another bloody vant to the plot. Highlights include Tomo Roberts slaves”. However, in reality it felt the writers done there though? Hell B*Witched clone clogging up the more like the BBC were whacking no! The final scene saw the whiny charts. Westlife are doing a splendid out some soft-core porno in a bid to pregnant one emerge through the job, thank you. Not that I have any- Watch TV? show Channel 5 how it’s really done. dense undergrowth, smeared in thing against the Irish! Rome was terrible. Oh, don’t get me blood wearing a smile. But, did she Will I be here next week to write If so you have enough qualifications. wrong - swords and sheaths, sex still have a bun in the oven? I didn’t this page? Or will I be fermenting and rape appeal to me as much as notice myself, but chums of mine in a Guinness barrel? Tune in next [email protected] the next guy. But trying to follow the suggested that was the twist. week. story was far too much effort, and Speaking of baking, Thursday was Tomo Roberts felix 22 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 November 2005 blind date [email protected] Jack and Regina @ New Maharaja From this week onwards Felix will play match-maker and set up two Imperial students in the hope they’ll ﬁnd love, or at least have a laugh.

Describe your ideal partner? Describe your ideal partner?

Blonde, very good looking, long legs, not so clever Green eyes, dark brown hair, artistic, has money. Fit that she makes me look stupid, not too easy but body, no hairy arse. not too hard (to get), dresses well, doesn’t wear too much make-up, same age or younger. I’m not that What would be your biggest nightmare of a date? fussy. Hairy arse. Food in his teeth. What would be your biggest nightmare of a date? Would you sleep with someone on the 1st date? A fat ugly goth munter with a tache and hairy arm- pits. Wearing an unclean oversized pink lacy thong. Depends on his arse (joking). No I wouldn’t.

Do you like a roast on Sunday? Are you allergic to nuts?

I’d prefer one every day, but I’m a religious type of Not at all guy. Physics or medicine? Are you allergic to nuts? Neither. Jack Cutler, 18 What sort? Regina Lee, 19 1st year physics Any sort? 1st year electrical Looking for love? Bournemouth No, bring ‘em on engineering Or just a great dinner? Physics or medicine? Email [email protected] with a brief South Korea profile or answers to the above intro questions and Prefer to bone a medic, and then video call her we’ll set you up on a date to remember. mother with a clip.

Starsign verdict (Sagittarius + Sagittarius): Both fire signs, however that’s where the similarity ends. If these two pair together then there could be a serious power struggle. The New Maharaja 10 Greyhound Road, Hammer- smith, London W6 8XN £25, meal for 2 Jack’s Verdict

What where your first thoughts when you saw Regina? What would you give the date out of 10? Real nice and very good service. A bit short but on her knees- just the right Regina’s Verdict height. I thought she was fit and seemed like I’d give her one. Will you be seeing him again? a bit of alright. A good laugh and easy to talk to . Will you be seeing him again? What where your first thoughts when you Yeah, why not. saw Jack? Did you fancy her? We haven’t made arrangements yet, but hey What would you give him out of 10? you never know. Fun and far too entertaining. Does the Pope wear a dress? There was An 8. potential, and a second date could easily be on And Finally the question everyone wants ask, Did you fancy him? the cards if she plays hers right. did you kiss? I’m not sure Did you like the restaurant? Kiss where? There might have been (wink wink). What did you think of the meal? Does Tony Blair bend over for George Bush? felix Thursday 10 November 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 23

Dear Miss Conﬁ[email protected] Mystic stars Scorpio (Oct 23rd – Nov 21st) Taurus (Apr 21st - May 21st) have been so boring in the past that take things slowly and stay relaxed, people have resorted to reading the If you over plan she’ll think it’s It’s time to open up books in the room, (why you’d put contrived and may get the wrong to those around you Technology may get yourself through that torture……) idea, thinking that you’re a creep. about how you truly the better of you. The but there are good mates to be Now I know you want to show her feel. This week may be thing to do is go back made, you just have to find them. that you’ve been looking forward emotional, but you’ll to basics, just to be on Latching on to a 2nd/3rd year and to tonight, and you already have by come out on top. the safe side. begging for revision notes has also cooking her something that you’ll been known to work in the past. You know she’ll like, now chill!! If you seem to have just been unlucky in push her too fast you’ll scare her Sagittarius (Nov 22nd – Dec 21st) Gemini (May 22nd – Jun 21st) your halls, but if you hold out for away, and that the last thing you just that little bit longer things will want to do. Make the evening light Patience is key this Uranus occupying get better. Try getting that little bit hearted. Be charming and funny, week as people your sign this week, more involved Spend your nights and if you can’t manage that, then around you test how means cooperation in the common room, or down the just be the person she agreed to go far they can push you. is much easier to pub with halls people, give them a out on a date with, that who she’ll My advice, bite your achieve than previ- chance to know you, They’ll accept want anyway. Just take it slowly tongue, they’re not ously, be glad, it may you, unless of course you do choose and show her that its’ her you care worth the hassle! not last. to start attacking them with a chain about, not a roll between the sheets, saw, that is just never going to be that’s your best bet! Good luck and socially acceptable. The great thing save me some dessert! Capricorn (Dec 22nd – Jan 19th) Cancer (Jun 22nd – Jul 22nd) Hey guys. Keep the questions about uni is that there is such a big coming, the star letter winner mix of people and everyone is so What goes around comes around! Your popularity is Determination is next week wins two tickets to different, maybe you just haven’t reaching new heights, always good, but don’t see a film of their choice! So get found your clique yet? I mean to be Dear Miss C, people just can’t get forget creativity and thinking I’m here to answer all honest IC isn’t really a normal uni, I no longer go out of my way to run enough of you. But imagination- these will you can throw at me! Write to me it’s not what you expect, and we are over little dogs or cats with my don’t let it go to your reward you no less. at [email protected]! all that little bit different but there bike, I don’t fart in crowded lifts head, stay grounded… is still fun to be had. Hold out for before I get out, & have stopped they’ll love you even more for it! Miss C. just that little bit longer, and see making prank phone calls. So, my where life takes you. Remember question is: how does this whole Aquarius (Jan 20th – Feb 18th) Leo (Jul 23rd – Aug 22nd) going home is going backwards and Karma thing work? I’ve been Star there’s so much to look forward really good for a couple of weeks People feel like you’re The best things come to… now, and it’s been agony! When pushing them out of to those who wait. The Letter do we start seeing some payback? your life, so make the stars are helping you How to get a girl in 10 steps... Seriously, I’m beginning to have effort to show them develop a stronger my doubts if it really exists!? you do care. Some- sense of self worth- Homeward Bound? Dear Miss Confidentiality, Des Tiny body with the initial don’t accept 2nd best. I told my Chinese classmate that ‘N’ will be good for you. Dear Miss C, I was cooking for her, so I invited Dear Des Tiny, I’m a first year physicist and her at my place next Saturday. I’ve What do you mean you go out of I’m struggling with university already set the menu according you way to avoid running over little Pisces (Feb 19th – Mar 20th) Virgo (Aug 23rd – Sep 22nd) life. I found it hard settling in to her preferences but the problem dogs? What kind of a sick freak are as the people in my halls do not is that there is no living room you? You’re asking when you’ll get You are beginning to All that glitters can be understand me. I am finding in my flat and we must have some payback? Well I think fate’s develop a stronger gold! Fate is smiling the workload challenging and dinner in my room. I don’t want being kind enough! Let me clear sense of self worth, at you this week, and feel there is no-one to turn to. to intimidate her, but I’ve fallen this up for you, karma is about do not accept second you have the pick of I’m seriously thinking of leaving for her and I’d like the dinner to things happening when you least best. Good things anything you want, if Imperial tomorrow, but do you be intimate. It’s my first “dinner expect it! Being nice to some poor come to those who only we could all be think I should stick it out at least date”, so I’m pretty nervous and innocent animals and not subjecting wait, just hang on in there! so lucky. until the end of the term? don’t know what to do. Any advice? the rest of the world to your Troubled Fresher Feeling Nervous repulsive bodily odours then buying a lottery ticket hoping it’ll pay off Aries (Mar 21st - Apr 20th) Libra (Sept 23rd - Oct 22nd) Dear Troubled fresher, Dear Feeling Nervous, won’t work. You may have a cleaner I totally sympathise but life isn’t all To start with, take a deep breath, aura and so girls will no longer see I thought bonfire was Take 5 steps forward that bad and things could be much IN! Hold, OUT! Feel better? you and run away screaming, but I over? So why am I and take 10 steps back much worse. Just take a look at the Now I’m not going to give you the wouldn’t hold my breath. What goes seeing fireworks be- seems to be your aim headlines in the newspapers every step by step guide on how to get around come around? It seems to tween you and a beau- this week, sorry to morning and you’ll start thanking a girl into bed, but I will give you me that you have a lot of bad thing tiful admirer? Feeling say things just don’t god that you’ve ended up in some advice. Firstly don’t stress to pay off before anything good is a bit flustered? I’m seem to be going your university in the first place!! Uni is too much about the whole having going to happen! If you’re finding it not surprised! Things are definitely way, don’t fret, it’ll all really different from everything that to eat in your room scenario, not that much agony though, my advice, heating up!! The spark is electric… be back to normal next week, just you’ve known before, so adjusting everyone has lounges. Now I get dig a big big hole and jump in! Stay we’d better leave you guys to it! hold on! is hard. Now I realise that physics that you really like this girl, and there until you see some sense, isn’t easy and that their parties want everything to go perfectly, but then you can rejoin humanity! felix 24 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10 November 2005

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with David Hasselhoff I’vecoﬀ been ee looking break for freedom Another week of Coﬀ ee Break, but with a special prize to give away... TV Go Home Stop... Hammertime! This week’s big quiz is TV Go 1 6 Here at Coffee Break we like to changed music for the better. Home, which is, unsurprisingly, all champion the cause of unsung tal- And then we have these losers. about the telly. 2 ents. Tell us the artist and song we’ve 7 As usual, here’s some pretty pic- In the music business several art- taken the following lyrics from. tures and some questions to answer. 3 ists stand out above the rest. Dylan, There’s two points for each correct There’s an incredible two points for 8 The Beatles, Radiohead, they’ve all answer. each one you get right. 4 Emails to coffee.felix@imperial. 1. ‘Dance to this and you’re gonna 5. ‘Don’t you worry! / Its gonna be ac.uk, as always. 5 9 get thinner / Move, slide your rump alright / ‘cause I’m always ready, / I / Just for a minute / let’s all do the won’t let you out of my sight.’ bump / bump bump bump’ 6. ‘When the rainy days are dying, / 2. ‘Leave the house / Leave the car / Gotta keep on, keep on trying / All Leave the bad men where they are / the bees and birds are flying / Ah- I leave a few shells in my gun / and ahh-ahhhhh’ its got me staring at the sun’ 7. ‘“Just let go of my leg” / She says 3. ‘Deadly - when I play a dope “you’re the perfect lover” / I said “I 1 2 3 melody / Anything less than the best cant go no futher” / Then I flip back is a felony’ the cover / Oh my God, a rubber...’

Despite being a bit preachy some- The Sopranos is the best show on A bunch of gorgeous people (and a 4. ‘Girl, I know you really love me / 8. ‘Michael, we’re not going to fight times, South Park is as funny as the telly, full of good stuff like mur- fat chap) on a lovely island, and all You just don’t realize / You’ve never about this, okay. / Paul, I think I told ever. That’s mainly Cartman though. der and swearing. How many people they do is moan. How many people been there before / It’s only your you, i’m a lover not a fighter / I’ve When did the show begin? have died in the show? survived the plane crash in Lost? first time’ heard it all before, Michael / she told me that i’m her forever lover, you know, don’t you remember?’

1 5

2 6 4 5 6 3 7 4 8

Coffee Break can never be accussed A masterclass in drama, comedy and Now The Simpsons is a bit shit, of sexism. SATC (Four girls moan surrealism (dream sequences?!), we have to settle for this show. It’s Answers 1332 FUCWIT League about shoes & periods) isn’t that bad Neighbours recently celebrated its not so bad though, the dog’s funny. Monster Mash 2005-2006 really. What are the girl’s names? anniversary - how many years? Where is Family Guy set? 1. Ghostface - Scream 2. Jason - Friday the 13th Darkshines 93 3. Pinhead - Hellraiser The Fantastic Four 90 4. Unicron - Transformers Me, Myself & John Sargent 88 5. Saddam - South Park Cupid Stunts 88 6. Agent Smith - The Matrix Cockroach On Coke 87 7. White Goodman - Dodgeball Insert Name Here 86 8. Mr Hector - Home Alone 2 Bernard Scumley Porno Queen 84 Norfolk ‘n’ Chance 84 Remember, you have two weeks Forever Throwing Doubles 81 7 8 9 after the issue comes out (24th) The Schist Ones 49 to get your answers to us. That Disgruntled Virgin 24 means there’s still time to enter Caledonian Conspiracy 23 My name is Jack Bauer and this The Office is one of the funniest This is Art Attack! Socks are mon- last weeks Hoff-quiz (by the 17th). Citizen Erased 15 is yet another worst day of my life. comedies in years, and even though sters, the sea is glitter, and papier- There’ll be prizes at the end of House of Earthly Delights 13 Who does Jack spend most of his Gervais is smug arsehole, we still mache is everywhere. What’s the this (not just Gay Porn), so good time working for in 24? love it. Where is it set? name of our chirpy host here? luck! [email protected] Win a bag full of Gay Porn! This week we’ve been cleaning out and polishing off the Felix office, and were delighted to find a sack, filled to the rim with spec- tacularly hardcore gay pornog- raphy. Now, as much as we’d like to keep it to ourselves, the office already has our junk crammed into every possible orifice as it is, and so we’re going to be giving it away to one of our lucky readers. To win, just tell us what you’d like to do with it. Best answer wins, and we’ve got some ideas for you here. The offending material, a bag full of You could always give away the And if you’re ever feeling lonely, Or you could just have a wank. The Over 18’s only please! VHS tapes. world’s worst Christmas present... Gay Porn will never leave you... decision - is yours! school daze Friday 11th November 20.00-02.00 VODKA & DRAFT MIXER £1.25 all night The Union encourages responsible drinking

1/2 ENTRYif in NOW WITH school foam uniform party! SD

Free entry before 20.00 1/2 price entrance if in school uniform ROAR Imperial College Union, Beit Quadrangle, Prince Consort Road, London, SW7 2BB felix 26 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10th November 2005

Sport [email protected] Joy for ICSM 2nd XI Disc Doctors lay sound Jason Adhikaree was fumbled by the goalkeeper who men forward. The gaps in the back Georgefoundations Brownbridge The Party Award (a giant disco dived to the ground with the grace of line were being frequently exposed ball) went to Brunel who came as a beached whale as the ball slithered as every Medic counterattack pro- Smurfs and danced from start to Mens Football under his considerable waistline for duced some infuriating near-misses. Ultimate Frisbee finish. Vikas, the Medics sharpshooter to Kevin, a fresher, managed to scored We got up at 8:00 and were ready ICSM 2nd XI 3 slot home. To put this into perspec- on his debut for ICSM 2nd XI to to go but had to wait till 10:40 to play Imperial College 3rd XI 1 tive, the goalkeeper looked like Rik make the score 3-1 and put IC out of Loughborough Beginners is a our first game, against Air Wolf. The Waller and played football like Rik their misery, as he collected the ball massive tournament with 32 partying had obviously done us good Waller. Actually, even Rik Waller on the half way line and ran rings teams playing on 3 pitches over and netted us our first win of the would have prevented the equaliser around the IC defence to slot home 2 days. The games were each 18 tournament. IC 3’s second meeting with yet anoth- from going in. a third goal for the Medics. He had minutes long. Indoors each team We needed another win to improve er ICSM team this season has pre- The Medics carried on with the caused a Mount Everest of problems has 5 players on the pitch, one of our position and to keep playing. dictably ended with another defeat. same energy and commitment after for the opposition during the game whom could be experienced. The We obviously had a good thirst for What the IC players lacked in heart the break. Big Stan, the Medics cen- with his strength and speed, despite experienced players couldn’t score disc as we went out and played the and commitment, they made up tre-back put in a sterling perform- his relative inexperience of univer- so the beginners had to work extra our best game of the tournament to for with unsporting behaviour and ance to ensure that IC’s chances sity-level football. hard. secure the win. unnecessary verbal abuse. A special on goal in the second half were few IC were rather wasteful in the After a mediocre start and a If the previous game had felt tight, mention must go to the “gentleman” and far between. I think that must last 15 minutes of the game as their very large curry we headed off to the last game definitely was. Mental (if I can call him that) in the number be the most polite way to describe commitment to the cause started to Loughborough’s Union in full cos- Discs tried to equalize in the clos- 7 shirt on the IC team. The away the awful second half performance seep away, as well as their chances tume (See Picture). Loughborough ing second but Manny laid out and team opened the scoring with their by IC. In the 55th minute, a ball of even scraping through with an union is one of the best in the smashed their hopes. first attacking move, despite the played from the wing culminated unlikely draw. With a second defeat country, they have a huge light up Disc Doctors came 25th out of Medics dominating most of the first with Vikas coolly controlling the ball, to the Medics (they were beaten 4-1 dance floor which kept us dancing the 32 teams. With so many games half. A corner and the subsequent turning inside and letting rip with by the ICSM 1st XI on the first day of all night. Aki had a go at DJing we all came away experienced and goalmouth scramble led to IC’s only a 20-yard screamer that hit the top the season), the question still stands: which went down a storm on the none of us can wait to go back next goal. With their confidence unjustly corner as the medics took the lead Are IC 3rd XI losing the plot? dance floor. year. high and their egos boosted, the 3rd they deserved. XI’s fall from grace was far more With IC realising that a second painful than expected. defeat to the Medics was immi- The Medics were unable to con- nent, started to improve their vert most of their chances into goals game although they were unable to and ironically, the equaliser was capitalise on their chances. As the pretty ugly and not exactly typical match wore on, they were punished �� of their fluid performance during for their tactical naivety when the the game. A timid cross into the box away team started to commit more �� Deviants in wet action �� ever, after facing Drag Flicks from Tim Lui Drag Queen in the warm up, our defenders were a little tentative when running out to defend the cor- Mens Hockey ner and conceded, twice. With this �� in mind, we picked ourselves up and UCL 3rds 4 went on a rampage with Post (Ray) Imperial College 4ths 1 and Cotton Eye Joe (Alex) troubling �� UCL with plenty of runs down the �� wings. All of this eventually led to �� For the first time in history, the us being awarded a Short corner �� DeIViants faced a UCL team. (hurray!) and with the melee that �� Unfortunately this also meant we ensued we scored a goal, our first of had to endure the baggage that goes the season from man of the match �� with playing UCL. As the story goes, Almaher! With the goal the team �� 10 intrepid DeIViants and their not were obviously lifted and we started �� so intrepid captain set off for the to play some good hockey. �� short journey to Surbiton in Surrey After a rather diplomatic half time �� looking for their first victory of the chat, the DeIViants continued their season. After 2 tubes, 1 mainline tradition of playing much better in �� train and a bus journey we had beat- the second half and this time it was �� en the UCL team there (our only vic- UCL under pressure with us having �� tory of the day) but by the time we got used to the pitch, we started to �� got there the torrential rain made dominate play and our erratic cap- �� sure the pitch was in perfect condi- tain (Tim) started to contribute on tion… for a mud wrestling match. the pitch. Drag Queen started to live �� Having lost all our 3 previous up to his name and started dancing �� matches without scoring but improv- around midfield with the ball set- ing greatly with each game, the ting up numerous attacks. However �� DeIViants were looking forward to against play, UCL scored twice, a good match with our Drag Queen owing to slips from our backline (Max) in centre midfield acting as on the increasingly slippery pitch. our inspiration, defenders Maria Again we responded with 4 short (Luke) and Kama Suture (Khilan) corners in a row fired in against �� holding the back together and our UCL, but this time we just couldn’t �� newly acquired forward Almaher bundle it into the goal. the target man. The game finished 4-1, but scoring �� As we entered the pitch, we our first goal was enough for us, and released the game wasn’t going to we left the pitch fairly happily despite be pretty as the pitch was about as being drenched and covered in mud. clean as the floor of a pub toilet and We were greeted with an excellent just as slippery as well. The game tea from UCL which we were grate- started well… for UCL, they obvi- ful for, and for some (Maria and Slow ously eat weetabix over in Gower On The Uptake) there were girls to Street and they dominated the game look at afterwards, the rest of us we conceded short corners. This however realised they had the aver- was our downfall as our defence age age of the Tanaka building and were rock solid in open play, how- steered clear of such jailbait. felix Thursday 10th November 2005 www.felixonline.co.uk 27

Sport [email protected] Solid victory for 1st XV Interested Doug Higgins Imperial. a choice of life over death however, Gordon, the forwards executed a Kadanin squash?Jehangir South Bank must have been the full-back escaped by knocking textbook drive to the line, with hixxy angered by this great indignity (not on the ball, leaving only a very vis- scoring a try to put IC back in the Squash Mens Rugby surprising considering they had ible stain in the seat of his neon- lead. South Bank responded quickly enjoyed a run of 31 straight vic- coloured shorts as a reminder of his with 3 points to close the score to Imperial 1st XV 18 tories of recent times) and there brush with fate. 13-11. If one heads through the mist to the South Bank 1st XV 11 then followed a period of late tackles About 25 minutes into the first half, The heavens then opened and, north of the park, following the clip- on Fly-half Pedder and Full-back after a rather artistic reaction by after a few stolen line outs thanks clop of prostitutes’ stilettos and the Gabs. Imperial were obviously so Nath to at worst a slap, you got the to the increasingly impressive John slap of pimp-glove, they will eventu- intimidated by this, shaking in their feeling that South Bank were start- Gordon, Jovan surprised everyone ally reach a small wooden wall. If boots so much that they turned over ing to find their feet, and pushed with his skills by fielding an up and they venture closer the outline of a the South Bank scrum and started up to the IC line. Jovan, dominant under, skipping round the opposition door emerges, beyond which lies a their dominance in this area of the in the set piece, then showed his full back, and charging infield. With shed. This beloved shed, a feat of game that was to last until the final worth in open play as he made the top drawer rugby now being pro- early 20th Century, Imperial College whistle. first of his two try saving tackles to duced by both sides, and good work engineering, was once the college’s There then followed a sustained keep the opposition scrum half from in the tight by Dangerous Dave and squash-courts. Sadly today it still is. period of pressure by Imperial, with touching down. Northern Steve, IC found them- Like Imperial College, squash Whether it was Al Pacino’s words of solid work by Nathan in midfield, Unfortunately, scrum half Rob selves defending their line. breeds strange characters. encouragement from the film Any strong defence by Rob Phillipps, and Robinson, whose delivery to the line After a penalty (which would Fortunately in recent years there Given Sunday echoing from the bus a good rolling drive off a lineout by was excellent in difficult conditions, have given South Bank the lead) has only been a handful of men radio, or the reading of the ‘The hixxy, who enjoyed another typically was a little too eager to win pos- was reversed for a player stamping moulded in our dank shed (although Tiger who came to Tea’ that was bruising day at the office. With South session back, and was shown the on Flannan’s delicate bits, play was rumours have circulated concern- responsible for rallying the troops Bank now rattled, Imperial again yellow card for collecting the ball soon stopped after a big tackle from ing a second team). to perform memorably will never be exerted pressure on the scrum, from the ruck. Imperial then had a O’Rourke caused a South Bank play- These “squash players” roam the known. What is certain, however, is and forced a hurried pick up by the momentary lapse of concentration er’s ankle to fall off. College unnoticed, quietly plodding that from the moment the whistle South Bank number 8, who fumbled and allowed South Bank to score A long wait for the ambulance about their every day business. went to signify the start of play, and flung it haphazardly to his wing. cheaply in the corner just before then ensued, before the players The squash elite would not win a Imperial College looked like they Great pressure from Pedder result- half time. returned to the field with a new popularity contest, or even a drink- would settle for nothing less than a ed in a loose pass to full-back, who With the sun now gone, and new weapon on the wing by name of ing competition - indeed they have win on a rather inclement October was denied a clearance kick by flan boy john Gordon on the pitch, the Obiora Okoye. With the game in the failed to formulate any testosterone afternoon. pulling out a superhero style charge two teams got set to battle out the balance, Imperial took a strangle- fuelled chants, a standard feature of Newcomer Flan(ge) impressed on down, allowing Pedder to touch the second half. After another crunch- hold on their opposition. Excellent all other Imperial teams. They do, his debut with a man of the match ball down in the goal area. ing tackle at the kick off by rhino- decisions by Robinson to box kick however, all possess the gift of dis- performance, setting the tone by Soon after the restart, a clearanc man mark wills, who was destructive down field, tight play from the for- tinctly longer than average arms. successfully fielding the kick off and kick was made downfield. The full- throughout the afternoon, Imperial wards, and solid running from the These five or six players have charging into the thick of the single- back took his time to gather the ball, soon gave away a pointless pen- backs resulted in IC lineout on the arrived at the shed from disparate figure-IQ South Bank forwards. The only to look up to see Achi, knife and alty, allowing South Bank to level the South Bank 22. After another accu- parts of the world: a French engi- ball was then excellently cleared fork ready, napkin tucked into shirt, scores at 8-8 with a good kick from rate throw by Alex Games to John neer with a penchant for gadgets, a by captain of the day Jim Pedder, bearing down on him and licking his their fly half. After some good work Gordon, it was fitting that Captain Pakistani immigrant and a Brazilian whose decisions in all areas of the lips with blatant intent of gobbling by O’Rourke, the elusive Gabs, and a Jim Pedder should round off a fine billionaire to name but a few. game left little room for improve- up the silly little poser for daring to powerful run by Achi in the midfield, performance by finding a gap in the It is a little known fact that there ment, and whose tackling and work step foot inside Fortress Harlington. hooker Luke Taylor was forced to South Bank defence before putting exists a number of analysis tech- at the breakdown was gladiatorial. They say your life flashes before you leave the field after a knock on the Obi over the line for an excellent niques used in the professional Soon after the lineout, South Bank before you die. It would not surprise head. Alex Games was then thrown try to secure the match. It was an world of squash - the most famous were deemed to have illegally used me if the poor soul had his, and the into the deep end with a lineout 8 impressive display by a talented of these being the SS Index (devel- their hands in the ruck, and a pen- lives of all his relatives and pets, metres from the South Bank line. squad, who now promise much for oped at the Gary Tanaka Building). alty was awarded to Imperial just flash before him in the moments He rose to the challenge admirably, the rest of the season. This ratio pits a competitor’s style outside the 22. Pedder slots it, 3-0 to before his imminent demise. Making and with a perfect throw to John against their success and the shed has produces a wide spread of SS indices in its team. At one end of the spectrum lies our French international, Monsieur Elliot. His seemingly uncoordinated Steamroller sevenths unstoppable! movements in conjunction with his Sam Styles equally uncoordinated facial hair make for an unparallel strategy of distraction. While his style rating strays dangerously close to zero his Mens Football success rate flies high, charged by their hilarious “attackers” missed before he lashed in a left footed the early stages of the second half. an obscene will to win. Queen Mary 5th XI 1 a string of chances, each one easier effort from close range to provide In another demoralising victory Mr. Kadan (an Indian potato farm- Imperial College 7th XI 3 than the last, before finally taking the equaliser. More pressure fol- for terrible football, the big-kickers er) lies nearer the other end of the advantage of a well-staged and thor- lowed as Sam went close with a were firmly on top and although SS spectrum. His classically trained oughly convincing “defensive error” superb effort from inside the cen- Mo and Paul at centre back did a style drastically fails to compensate After last week’s shock non-thrilling to roll the ball past a stranded Ian, tre-circle, and Sandy almost scored fine job gobbling up the big balls, his inability to run. His uncanny ten- 1-0 victory over Arts, IC 7’s took their IC’s emergency stand-in goalkeeper after a great run in from the right IC’s football became increasingly dency to forget he is playing squash 100% record to Chislehurst looking (picked for his expertise as a wick- of the QM area. He went one bet- frantic as QM created a string of while on court has all but eradicated to prove to their coach/fan Duncan etkeeper…well, it kind of makes ter soon after as he swooped on a half, perhaps even three quarter any signs of success. that they still knew how to play the sense, doesn’t it?). rebound from Jarlath’s shot to give chances. After 2,368 minutes of the In the middle lies our Pakistani beautiful game the way it was meant A 1-0 deficit successfully estab- IC the lead. second half had gone by without a immigrant Mr Kardar. In him lies to be played. Beautifully. lished, IC’s Bat-signal was sent up The half ended with IC looking goal (I think they were cheating…. maybe the only balanced player of Fortunately for the 7’s, IC 6’s had into the south London sky and the comfortable and good value for their must be medics) IC swept upfield to the team. If he can overcome his played against, and beaten, QM’s 7’s sprang into action. Wave after lead. The two teams could not have put the result beyond doubt as Sam porcine physique he might be able 4th’s the week before, and were more wave of magnificent attacking foot- deployed more contrasting styles, picked out Jarlath on the edge of the to curb his propensity to run into than willing to pass on the secret ball crashed against the bows of with IC zipping and pinging the ball box, and Jarlath’s trademark finish walls (momentum = mass*velocity). to their success: Queen Mary’s Queen Mary’s pirate ship as their about with verve and pizzazz while finally brought the curtains down However he remains the shed’s just cannot resist being taken from defenders cowered in the face of QM’s game plan centred on creating on the longest game of football that best chance to produce a truly great behind. Armed with this top secret a terrifying storm of IC pressure. chances from their own goal kicks. ULU division 4 has ever seen. Four player? information, the 7’s set out with the Something had to give. And it did. Hoof hoof hoof!! Sam’s inspirational wins from four and IC Seventh’s are A thought for the formulating express intention of gifting Queen Debutant Jas was proving a thorn half-time team-talk was obviously a top of the league. Hooray!!! guru’s at Tanaka. The well tested Mary’s an early lead. This proved in the side for QM and had already load of shite, however, as IC some- theory of the SS Index has no expla- easier said than done, however, as come close on several occasions how found themselves clinging on in nation for our Brazilian millionaire, Mr. Brantley. He lacks both style and success. Is zero an acceptable measure of his squash ability? Maybe we’ll know at the end of the season, after all a team is only as Please send your sports reports, reviews and comments to strong as its weakest link. [email protected] felix 28 www.felixonline.co.uk Thursday 10th November 2005

sport [email protected] Second best! Brown on Old order usurped on derby-day Sport Stephen Brown Sports Editor Phil Price

Mens Football Last Tuesday saw the rather dra- matic passing of three times Imperial 1st XI 0 Cheltenham Gold Cup winner, Imperial 2nd XI 1 Best Mate. Having a heart attack mid-race is no way for any living creature to shuffle off this mortal coil. However was all the collective The Merseyside, the Old Firm, the national grief expressed through the Milan: three passionately fought media really necessary? local derbies. However, there is one Such mawkish sentimentality fixture in football that surpasses surely dosen’t befit a sport such as them all. Imperial firsts against horse racing. Apart from an assort- Imperial seconds. With the demise ed collection of toffs and oil-rich of the medics (Ha-ha!) this fixture Arabs no-one is really interested now takes precedence in the foot- in the races themselves. What ball calendar. In recent years the we really enjoy is the associated rivalry has been well battled out vices, namely drinking and gam- with the firsts usually gaining the were starting to cause AK and co. 2nd’s tails up and the 1st’s looking but apart from a half chance that bling. Horse racing is unique in the upper hand. But with the seconds trouble at the back. The first chance subdued. fell to Irvine they were getting noth- fact that the profits generated from on a high from their blistering BUSA then landed to Irvine but his shot The second half started with the ing. Then, with just 10 minutes to it enriches a completely different form coupled with a couple of com- was hit over. At this point the silky 1st team looking to buck their ideas go, that script sat up, looked at the industry. Historically the perceived mitted and proud, if not fully suc- skills of Parrot started to grab a up, but couldn’t find the killer bit of window and climbed up to the win- tawdryness of earning your living as cessful, performances in ULU, the hold on the game as he started a inspiration they so craved. The first dow sill. Man-of-the-match Parrot a book-keeper has prevented horse script was asked if he could please mazy run through the all 11 of the chance of the half came towards and DAL worked the ball across the owners from getting a serious slice stand up, walk to the window and 1st team which won a corner. Hideki Will from a Hideki corner but the pitch and after Hideki had a slight of the huge profits generated by the throw himself out of it. At stake was starting to find space on the left melon-headed one again spurned altercation with Phil Meyer on the gaming industry. Im sure the wise were not only 3 points in ULU but and the midfield pairing of Pricey the chance when his salmon leap at right, he was free to get to the by- investors in the major bookmak- bragging rights for the whole of the and Ant were chomping all over the far post failed. With no-nonsense line. The window is now open. He ers didn’t object to such snobbery. season. This one is not for the faint Louis and JR. A Louis corner then defending from the seconds, several drove the cross in low where it was Outlaw betting and the whole show hearted. missed everyone and was curling stops were required to retrieve balls missed by the Beef and DAL slotted is over. The game started brightly with in till the intervention of AK on for the play to continue. As the game into the back of the net, and out of So yes a great horse passed away. tackles flying in and no-one given the line. JR then fizzed a shot that wore on, the firsts began to push the window! A last minute corner Privately shed a tear if you feel the any time on the ball. The firsts were was turned over by the impressive on further looking for that goal and looked to be the firsts’ salvation, need, don’t encourage those in the looking to get forward early and Mike. The 2nd’s started to exert as they did so the spaces started to but keeper Mike claimed it to leave media who felt the need to write an kill the game quickly. With Irvine a period of pressure with Gready open up with Parrot starting to cause them out of options and out of time. obituary for him. National morn- making the runs, T was left to link working the ball out wide for Hideki the Beef problems with his direct As the full time whistle sounded, ing is cringe-worthy enough when a up the defence with attack, but with and Parrot to work their stuff. Then running. Mid way through the half some seconds laughed, some cried major figure in sport, entertainment the imperious moon-faced MacAdie came the best chance of the game the seconds were denied the opener and some fell flat on their backs hav- or politics dies; it’s even worse when and the shark-like Milad in defence, so far as Parrot again beat his man as again. Parrot fed DAL the ball ing been at Fabric until seven that it is over an animal. Rest in peace any balls not hit to perfection were for skill and slipped the ball through who calmly slotted home, only for a morning - but they all bragged, and boy, don’t feel too missed. dealt with contempt they deserved. for DAL. The trap was beaten, but blatant piss-take by the firsts’ lines- long will they do so. However the ball started to get out DAL’s shot slid agonisingly wide of man to give off-side. Again and again to Pavel on the left, and his runs the post. Half time came with the the firsts looked for a way through,

Quick Crossword by Fishface

1 2 3 5 4 5 6 Across Down 7 1. Slaughterhouse (8) 1. Once more (5) 4. Crustacean (4) 2. Red fruit (6) 7 8 9 7. Group of people gathered together (8) 3. Drawings (13) 9. New Zealander (inf.) (4) 5. Destroy (4) 10. Favouritism given to relatives (8) 6. Court officer who takes away 12. Intelligent but socially inept individual possessions (7) 10 (4) 8. Light evening meal (6) 13. Attempt (3) 11. Kindness or affection (6) 14 11 14. Part of leg (4) 12. Upper section of theatre (7) 16. Long narrow flag or banner (8) 15. Large cup (6) 12 13 14 19. Snakelike fishes (4) 17. Abbreviation for a copy or duplicate (5) 20. Establishment selling literary works (8) 18. At a low speed (4) 17 15 21. Open mouth wide (4) 22. Strong coffee (8) 16 16 17

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