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Being Mother, Academic, & Wife: an Interpretive Inquiry

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Being Mother, Academic, & Wife: an Interpretive Inquiry University of Alberta Being Mother, Academic, & Wife: An Interpretive Inquiry by Danielle Leigh Fullerton A thesis submitted to the Faculty of Graduate Studies and Research in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of Doctor of Philosophy in Counselling Psychology Department of Educational Psychology Edmonton, Alberta Spring 2009 Library and Archives Bibliotheque et 1*1 Canada Archives Canada Published Heritage Direction du Branch Patrimoine de I'edition 395 Wellington Street 395, rue Wellington Ottawa ON K1A 0N4 Ottawa ON K1A 0N4 Canada Canada Your file Votre reference ISBN: 978-0-494-55349-7 Our file Notre reference ISBN: 978-0-494-55349-7 NOTICE: AVIS: The author has granted a non­ L'auteur a accorde une licence non exclusive exclusive license allowing Library and permettant a la Bibliotheque et Archives Archives Canada to reproduce, Canada de reproduire, publier, archiver, publish, archive, preserve, conserve, sauvegarder, conserver, transmettre au public communicate to the public by par telecommunication ou par Nnternet, preter, telecommunication or on the Internet, distribuer et vendre des theses partout dans le loan, distribute and sell theses monde, a des fins commerciales ou autres, sur worldwide, for commercial or non­ support microforme, papier, electronique et/ou commercial purposes, in microform, autres formats. paper, electronic and/or any other formats. The author retains copyright L'auteur conserve la propriete du droit d'auteur ownership and moral rights in this et des droits moraux qui protege cette these. Ni thesis. Neither the thesis nor la these ni des extraits substantiels de celle-ci substantial extracts from it may be ne doivent etre imprimes ou autrement printed or otherwise reproduced reproduits sans son autorisation. without the author's permission. In compliance with the Canadian Conformement a la loi canadienne sur la Privacy Act some supporting forms protection de la vie privee, quelques may have been removed from this formulaires secondaires ont ete enleves de thesis. cette these. While these forms may be included Bien que ces formulaires aient inclus dans in the document page count, their la pagination, il n'y aura aucun contenu removal does not represent any loss manquant. of content from the thesis. 1*1 Canada Abstract Using interpretive inquiry, I sought to more deeply understand the experience of being mother, academic, and wife. I began with a review of the existing literature and focused on how some of its assumptions and perspectives influence one's understanding of this experience. Not being satisfied with these assumptions, I posited a different understanding; one that views being mother, academic, and wife as parts of the self as a whole. Through qualitative conversation, nine women shared their experiences. Reflection on these experiences revealed the following themes: Called, Juggling Time, Juggling Space, Torn, Making Room, and Sharing. By using works from psychology, literature, philosophy, word associations, word meanings, current events, and media, I further develop an understanding of these themes. In the final chapter, I discuss the sustainability of this life. Indeed, the quest to find harmony between and within these parts is an ongoing one. Preface Typically, the terms mother, academic, and wife are understood as nouns and are preceded by articles such as a and the. In this text, I take somewhat of a philosophical, creative license and do not use articles, as one would typically expect to find in the English language. I do not view mother, academic, and wife as roles or titles or names or nouns (necessarily); rather, I understand them as ways of being. Just as one can be happy and be excited, I suggest that one can be mother, be academic, and be wife. As you read this text, it may seem irregular to read, "I am wife," as opposed to, "I am a wife." I hope that this explanation helps remove any awkwardness that you may initially experience, and that you, too, may even consider the author's understanding. Acknowledgements My known, original purpose for attaining my PhD died years ago. And, even now, I am not dear of a new, replacement purpose. However, of this I am sure—I am meant to finish. I know this because I believe that I am not meant to not finish. Anthony, you opened my eyes to this insight. Only one force wanted me to stop prior to completion. And that is a force that I daily try to not support. My own strength and will for completing this project expired years ago. My will to not finish grew. "Nevertheless not my will, but Yours, be done." And so it is, through His strength alone. I still do not know why He wants me to finish. And I have accepted not needing to know, knowing that someday, I will. Many did not get bogged down with my doubts and unwill­ ingness. Instead, they supported and uplifted me. Thank you to each of you. Marty, your pride in me is often the fuel that keeps me trying. "Just write one page today, Dan," you told me, again and again. And I did. Mom, I know you would have supported me no matter what I would have chosen to do with Edna. Nothing wrong with voicing your opinion either, right? Dad, thank you for being proud of Dr. Fullerton. Derek, thank you for agreeing to supervise me EVEN THOUGH . .. I appreciate that you do not fit in the box that is often common of academia. We are misfits. I like that about us. Thank you to the nine women who met with me, shared with me, and trusted me. The impact of your experiences does not end with the binding of this work. Table Of Contents Chapter 1: The Question 1 Chapter 2: Challenging the Assumed Understanding 5 The Individual and Society 6 Symbolic Interactionism 7 Structural-functionalism 8 Role Theory 9 Considering Some Presumptions 11 Role as roll. 11 Identity 13 Self 15 The Importance of the Self 19 The Statistics 22 Women and Men 23 The Why 25 Multiple Roles as Problem 28 Solutions to the Problem 31 Multiple Roles as Benefit 32 Chapter 3: The Framework 38 Method 39 Investigating: Collecting Experiences 40 Investigating: Asking the Question 42 Reflection, Writing, and Rewriting 44 Lived body. 44 Lived space. 45 Lived time. 46 Lived other. 48 Submerged. 49 Limited 50 Chapter 4: Called 52 At the Office, "I Just Have to Check" 52 When Academic Does Not Comply With Second Place 60 Transcending Space 64 Called by Blood 69 "I Knew" 73 Interruption 74 The Name That Makes You 87 The Face That Pulls You Back 92 Chapter 5: Juggling Time 95 Morning: The Time of Juggling 97 The Working Holiday 110 Some sort of blend. 121 Working Around the Working Holiday 125 Juggling Time 128 Choosing Not to Juggle 133 Chapter 6: Juggling Space 140 "Homework" 140 The Space of Home and Work 141 Homework Time 150 Something in My Bag 155 The automatic combination. 158 Recognized by the contents. 163 A diaper bag and a thesis. 167 Chapter 7: Torn 171 Between the Shoulds and the Shouldn'ts 171 To Be Torn Is to Sacrifice 181 Torn Between Doing and Breathing 188 The Space of Being Torn: Too Close and Too Far 191 To Be Torn Is to Miss 195 To Be Torn Is to Be Missed 197 Trying Not to Miss 201 Chapter 8: Making Room 212 Pioneering 212 Is There Room in Academia? 219 No Room 220 The Announcement 222 "Doing Pregnancy:" Body Distrust 226 The baby in the drawer. 232 Maternity Leave—You Can't Get Away 235 Nursing the "Shy Breast" 241 Nursing: What You Have to Do 244 Nursing Mother and Academic: It Fits 248 The Network 257 Chapter 9: Sharing 265 Wife as Teammate 268 The hand-off. 269 Wife as Co-worker 275 Wife as Co-parent 278 Wife to a House-Husband 283 Chapter 10: Sustaining 291 "What Am I Doing?" 294 Wanting to Do Both 298 To Sustain 300 References 304 1 Chapter 1: The Question The hot tub is gurgling, the snow is falling gently, the air is cool, and I sense its cold on the tip of my nose. My mom, Judi (a mutual friend), my boyfriend, and I are enjoying sitting in the soothing heat of Judi's hot tub on this December night. "So Danielle, tell me your ten-year plan," Judi invites, as she leans back against the hot tub, making herself comfortable for a good girlfriend chat. I too, get comfortable and sense my excitement at the upcoming conversation. "Well, I'll get my Ph.D., get married sometime before that, probably have kids 'cause I don't want to be 40 and doing that, and maybe be working at a small university by the end," I state hopefully. I feel excited about all of my possibilities. "So when do you see yourself being done school," Judi probes? I quickly calculate and answer, "Maybe another four years?" "And will you have kids right after that," she asks? I can see by her face that she is trying to calculate how realistic my goals are. I sense myself getting defensive. "I hope not," I reply. "And how many kids do you want," she asks, looking at Marty with a twinkle in her eye? "Enough for our own hockey team," Marty replies! We laugh, and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. "Four would be nice," I reply. "And how old are you now," Judi asks? "Twenty-six," I answer. "So you'll be done school at 30, and then you want four kids, but not right away." I sense where Judi's logic is taking her.
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