University of Alberta

Being Mother, Academic, & Wife: An Interpretive Inquiry

by

Danielle Leigh Fullerton

A thesis submitted to the Faculty of Graduate Studies and Research in partial fulfillment of the requirements for the degree of

Doctor of Philosophy

in Counselling Psychology

Department of Educational Psychology

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1*1 Canada Abstract

Using interpretive inquiry, I sought to more deeply understand the experience of being mother, academic, and wife. I began with a review of the existing literature and focused on how some of its assumptions and perspectives influence one's understanding of this experience. Not being satisfied with these assumptions, I posited a different understanding; one that views being mother, academic, and wife as parts of the self as a whole.

Through qualitative conversation, nine women shared their experiences.

Reflection on these experiences revealed the following themes: Called, Juggling Time,

Juggling Space, Torn, Making Room, and Sharing. By using works from psychology, literature, philosophy, word associations, word meanings, current events, and media, I further develop an understanding of these themes. In the final chapter, I discuss the sustainability of this life. Indeed, the quest to find harmony between and within these parts is an ongoing one. Preface

Typically, the terms mother, academic, and wife are understood as nouns and are preceded by articles such as a and the. In this text, I take somewhat of a philosophical, creative license and do not use articles, as one would typically expect to find in the English language. I do not view mother, academic, and wife as roles or titles or names or nouns (necessarily); rather, I understand them as ways of being. Just as one can be happy and be excited, I suggest that one can be mother, be academic, and be wife. As you read this text, it may seem irregular to read, "I am wife," as opposed to, "I am a wife." I hope that this explanation helps remove any awkwardness that you may initially experience, and that you, too, may even consider the author's understanding. Acknowledgements

My known, original purpose for attaining my PhD died years ago. And, even now, I am not dear of a new, replacement purpose. However, of this I am sure—I am meant to finish. I know this because I believe that I am not meant to not finish. Anthony, you opened my eyes to this insight. Only one force wanted me to stop prior to completion. And that is a force that I daily try to not support.

My own strength and will for completing this project expired years ago. My will to not finish grew. "Nevertheless not my will, but Yours, be done." And so it is, through His strength alone.

I still do not know why He wants me to finish. And I have accepted not needing to know, knowing that someday, I will.

Many did not get bogged down with my doubts and unwill­ ingness. Instead, they supported and uplifted me. Thank you to each of you.

Marty, your pride in me is often the fuel that keeps me trying. "Just write one page today, Dan," you told me, again and again. And I did.

Mom, I know you would have supported me no matter what I would have chosen to do with Edna. Nothing wrong with voicing your opinion either, right?

Dad, thank you for being proud of Dr. Fullerton.

Derek, thank you for agreeing to supervise me EVEN THOUGH . .. I appreciate that you do not fit in the box that is often common of academia. We are misfits. I like that about us.

Thank you to the nine women who met with me, shared with me, and trusted me. The impact of your experiences does not end with the binding of this work. Table Of Contents

Chapter 1: The Question 1

Chapter 2: Challenging the Assumed Understanding 5 The Individual and Society 6 Symbolic Interactionism 7 Structural-functionalism 8 Role Theory 9 Considering Some Presumptions 11 Role as roll. 11 Identity 13 Self 15 The Importance of the Self 19 The Statistics 22 Women and Men 23 The Why 25 Multiple Roles as Problem 28 Solutions to the Problem 31 Multiple Roles as Benefit 32

Chapter 3: The Framework 38 Method 39 Investigating: Collecting Experiences 40 Investigating: Asking the Question 42 Reflection, Writing, and Rewriting 44 Lived body. 44 Lived space. 45 Lived time. 46 Lived other. 48

Submerged. 49

Limited 50

Chapter 4: Called 52 At the Office, "I Just Have to Check" 52 When Academic Does Not Comply With Second Place 60 Transcending Space 64 Called by Blood 69 "I Knew" 73 Interruption 74 The Name That Makes You 87 The Face That Pulls You Back 92

Chapter 5: Juggling Time 95

Morning: The Time of Juggling 97

The Working Holiday 110

Some sort of blend. 121

Working Around the Working Holiday 125

Juggling Time 128

Choosing Not to Juggle 133

Chapter 6: Juggling Space 140

"Homework" 140

The Space of Home and Work 141

Homework Time 150

Something in My Bag 155

The automatic combination. 158 Recognized by the contents. 163 A diaper bag and a thesis. 167

Chapter 7: Torn 171 Between the Shoulds and the Shouldn'ts 171 To Be Torn Is to Sacrifice 181 Torn Between Doing and Breathing 188 The Space of Being Torn: Too Close and Too Far 191 To Be Torn Is to Miss 195 To Be Torn Is to Be Missed 197 Trying Not to Miss 201

Chapter 8: Making Room 212 Pioneering 212 Is There Room in Academia? 219 No Room 220 The Announcement 222 "Doing Pregnancy:" Body Distrust 226 The baby in the drawer. 232 Maternity Leave—You Can't Get Away 235 Nursing the "Shy Breast" 241 Nursing: What You Have to Do 244 Nursing Mother and Academic: It Fits 248 The Network 257

Chapter 9: Sharing 265 Wife as Teammate 268 The hand-off. 269 Wife as Co-worker 275 Wife as Co-parent 278 Wife to a House-Husband 283

Chapter 10: Sustaining 291 "What Am I Doing?" 294 Wanting to Do Both 298 To Sustain 300

References 304 1

Chapter 1: The Question

The hot tub is gurgling, the snow is falling gently, the air is cool, and I sense its cold on the tip of my nose. My mom, Judi (a mutual friend), my boyfriend, and I are enjoying sitting in the soothing heat of Judi's hot tub on this December night. "So Danielle, tell me your ten-year plan," Judi invites, as she leans back against the hot tub, making herself comfortable for a good girlfriend chat. I too, get comfortable and sense my excitement at the upcoming conversation. "Well, I'll get my Ph.D., get married sometime before that, probably have kids 'cause I don't want to be 40 and doing that, and maybe be working at a small university by the end," I state hopefully. I feel excited about all of my possibilities.

"So when do you see yourself being done school," Judi probes? I quickly calculate and answer, "Maybe another four years?" "And will you have kids right after that," she asks? I can see by her face that she is trying to calculate how realistic my goals are. I sense myself getting defensive. "I hope not," I reply. "And how many kids do you want," she asks, looking at Marty with a twinkle in her eye? "Enough for our own hockey team," Marty replies! We laugh, and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. "Four would be nice," I reply. "And how old are you now," Judi asks? "Twenty-six," I answer. "So you'll be done school at 30, and then you want four kids, but not right away." I sense where Judi's logic is taking her. "Well I don't want to just get my Ph.D. and become a mom right after that," I tell her. "If I had kids right away, I'd want to stay home with them. That would mean being home for probably ten years once I have my first child," I exclaim! "I would not be using my Ph.D. until I was going on 40!" The realization hits me. I feel bitter. "What a waste," I hear my mind say.

This conversation occurred six years ago, and I have not forgotten it. At times, it plays itself again and again. Throughout the past six years, I have been unable to escape its questions. I hear Judi's voice when I am at school, talking with a classmate about when we will finish the program and what we hope to do once we are done. I hear Judi's voice when I meet with my advisor and he asks me, "What do you want to do when you are finished?" I hear Judi's voice when my mother-in-law asks me,

"When will you be finished your degree?" Judi's questions haunt me as I converse 2

with my family, friends, classmates, husband, advisors, and acquaintances. I cannot

escape them.

I do not want to wait ten years before I professionally use my Ph.D. I do not

want to wait ten years before I have children. The only way, I see, that these desires

can be solved is by doing both at the same time. And how can I do this? How can I be

a new mom, an academic, and a wife at the same time? Is it possible? What is that life

like? And would I like that life?

This question speaks to me when I see female professors. Previous to this

study, I knew of very few who were married, had a young family, and an academic

career. I knew of female professors who had older children or no children at all.

"That's easier," I would tell myself. "How did they do it when their children were

young?" Did they choose to focus more on their career and less on being a mom? Did

they choose to be a full-time mom and not pursue their career? Or did they exist as

academic, mom, and wife and experience what that existence brings? There are

women who are academics, mothers, and wives. How do they experience their lives?

During my Masters Degree, this question called me. In my first year's

practicum I remember asking my female supervisor how long she had taken to

complete her Ph.D. "Ten years," she told me. "Ten years," I exclaimed! "What took

you so long?" I could not imagine it taking so much time. "Well Danielle," she told

me, "I had four children during that time. And trust me, when you're having kids, your

dissertation is the last thing on your mind." I remember thinking that I would have to plan differently. The thought of such an experience did not sit well with me. 3

This question of the lived experience of the woman who is academic, wife, and mother did more than call me. It unsettled me, for I had yet to uncover an understanding of the experience. Through interpretive inquiry, a deeper understanding of this experience is gained. What is the meaning of this experience? What is the experience of living such an existence? More women are attending graduate schools and earning advanced degrees. More women are entering academic life. What is the lived experience of these women who have an academic career and a family life? How do they experience life as academic, mother, and wife? And how might the learning of their experience impact my own?

These are the questions that I could not ignore. It was during the third year of my undergraduate degree, as I sat in my Social Psychology class, listening and looking at my professor, that I became aware of wanting to be a professor. As I familiarized myself with this desire, I realized that having a family was not a part of it. I did not envision having a family and being an academic at the same time. However, as I progressed through my degrees, I became aware of two other desires within me—to be a wife and a mother. And so, I began asking friends, classmates, professors, and supervisors about what they thought it would be like, or was like, to be wife, academic, and mother. Through this informal questioning, I checked the possibility of my desires. And because of the unknowns that would remain following these conversations, I decided to ask my question in a more formal way.

I chose to ask the question interpretively. I wanted to have a greater understanding of the experience. Interpretive inquiry fit with what I was questioning. I did not yearn to know the statistics regarding how many women are academics and 4 whether or not they are married and have children. I did not desire to know the data surrounding these cases: how long it took them to achieve their goals, at what age they married, had children, took maternity leaves, and/or earned tenure. These are facts that are measured and documented each year, as more women enter the academic world.

And while these facts are interesting and noteworthy, they do not speak to my question. My question concerns the lived experience of being wife, academic, and mother. I sought a greater understanding of this experience. I wanted to know the meaning of this experience; thus, the methodology of interpretive inquiry.

Prior to asking this question formally, I informed myself of the existing literature. This text reflects not only a seeking towards new and greater understanding, but also the order in which this process occurred. I began with the question. Then, in

Chapter 2,1 explore how the social sciences have impacted the understanding of what it is to be academic, mother, and wife. Does one view being mother, wife, and academic as roles that one plays? Are they different characters that one acts? Are they indicative of multiple selves? Or are they parts of one, whole self? Establishing an understanding of these approaches, and of the approach of this study, is essential for this study's progression. In Chapter 3, the way in which I ask the question and reflect upon the question, interpretively, is presented. The themes that are "unearthed" are then discussed in the chapters that follow: Called, Juggling Time, Juggling Space,

Torn, Making Room, and Sharing. Finally, the closing chapter discusses the sustainability of this life. 5

Chapter 2: Challenging the Assumed Understanding

Language, and specifically for this conversation, spoken and written language,

is that tool by which we communicate our thoughts, beliefs, sensations, and feelings.

While we engage in much intentional communication, there is that other kind that

often speaks without the speaker knowing. It is a kind that conveys the unintended, or

perhaps, that which one hopes to conceal. In my case, my exploration of language and

terminology for this study was the result of becoming aware of communicating

assumptions that I do not hold.

As I set about this research, I automatically phrased my question in the context

of roles. Without being aware, I spoke of being wife, mother, and academic as roles

that one plays. I used the language of, "the role of mother," and, "the role of wife."

Unbeknownst to me, using this terminology conveyed a certain understanding about

who we are in the world. Once I was challenged on this, I realized that the use of the

term role was not appropriate, given my understanding and what I hoped to convey.

It reminded me of, The Legend of the Well Guarded Garden, in which the story

is told of a soldier who stands post in a remote area of the Czar's courtyard.

(http://www.thcflegacy.org/article_wk.jsp?WebID=GL2004-0195&D=200633). Day

after day he guards his post. When asked by the Czar of Russia why a guard must

stand watch there, he does not know. And still, he continues to guard. One day, the

Czar orders an investigation to discover this post's origins. The following is what he

learns. More than one hundred years previously, Catherine the Great had ordered that a certain rose bush be guarded, as it was of a delicate nature. A guard was placed to ensure the bush's vitality. This bush had long since died; yet, a guard still stood. 6

I realized that I did not want to be like this guard - behaving in a way, and in my case, using language, without knowing why. I wanted to be mindful of what I wrote and of the language that I used. The following is a discussion of where this searching led me.

The Individual and Society

The study of the individual in relation to society has been the focus of many

(Allport, 1924; Bern & Allen, 1974; Cooley, 1902; Epstein, 1979; Festinger, 1954;

Goffman, 1959; James, 1890/1904; Kelley, 1972; Moscovici & Zavalloni, 1969;

Myers & Lamm, 1976; Ricoeur, 1992; Schachter & Singer, 1962; Wegner &

Vallacher, 1977). For more than 100 years, theorists and researchers have sought to answer the question as to whether or not human beings have a self that can exist independent of society, or if the self is always a social entity. This debate, and one's understanding and perception of it, affect the way in which one views and talks about who one is and why one does as one does.

From the very beginnings, the social sciences have been interested in how individuals relate to and interact with society. Ferdinand Tonnies (1887/1957) proposed a dichotomy that theorized two ways in which individuals "act" within a community: as members of a social group, Gemeinschaft, or as separate actors in a social group, Gesellschaft. It is out of this foundational thinking that the theories of symbolic interactionism and structural-functionalism developed. And it is from these perspectives that role theory then evolved. Knowles (1982) attributes Tonnies' work to shaping much of the way in which social science thinks and modern society operates. 7

Such a powerful claim calls one to examine the history, for one may be influenced by

it without one knowing. And indeed, I have been.

Symbolic Interactionism

For the symbolic interactionist, human behaviour is the consequence of

characteristics of the society and of the persons involved (Ephross & Greene, 1991;

Knowles, 1982; Leeds-Hurwitz, 2006; Mead, 1934; Schellenberg, 1990; Stryker &

Serpe, 1982). It is understood as the consequence of interaction and those things that

comprise and result from interaction: communication, imitation, habit, and custom

(Stryker & Serpe, 1982). What is meant by consequence? Through interacting with

one's world, one learns the meanings and social expectations that are attached to

objects. One learns how to classify objects and how to behave in relation to those objects, according to the expectations surrounding those objects. Classifications are

learned, and the roles, that is, the shared behavioural expectations, are learned with them. People acting within the social structure of certain patterns of behaviour are then understood to occupy certain roles. Names are applied to these roles and to the people who occupy them. People and situations are then defined by these names.

One person to whom the individual applies a name is the self (Mead, 1934).

According to the symbolic interactionist, the self exists only because of the social group. It is a product of society (Stryker & Serpe, 1982). Because the self develops out of interaction with others, there are potentially many selves. Like William James

(1890/1904) and his concept of the social self, symbolic interactionism asserts that the human being has as many social selves as there are people to whom to respond. As

Knowles writes, "From a repertoire of identities, one can call up the self that seems 8

most appropriate to present in a particular context" (1982, p. 6). To the symbolic

interactionist then, human beings are constantly interacting, and in these interactions

each person perceives the value placed on objects and the expectations that surround

each object. Each person then "call(s) up" the appropriate self for the situation, given

the shared expectations. The person "call(s) up" and "present(s)" the self that is

expected in the situation. The role is played and the self is presented according to these interactions.

Structural-functionalism

Similar to symbolic interactionism, the structural-functionalist perspective also

attempts to cast light on how individuals relate to and in their social setting (Ephross

& Greene, 1991; Knowles, 1982; Leeds-Hurwitz, 2006; Schellenberg, 1990; Stryker &

Serpe, 1982). According to this perspective, the functioning of society and of the people within it is based on the systems that are created by the patterns of people's behaviours. Within these systems exist positions to which certain behaviours have been established. Much like the roles of symbolic interactionism, these positions contain behavioural expectations. In fact, to the structural-functionalist, roles are the acting out of these expectations. Thus, people act in accordance to who they are in relation to others, rather than in accordance to who they are independent of others.

Because of this, behaviours are more telling of the relationships between people than they are of the individuals.

Certain behaviours are expected, and there is a shared understanding of the positions within the system. As Davis states, "An individual carries his social position around in his head ... and puts it into action when the appropriate occasion arises 9

(1948, p. 88)." Much like symbolic-interactionism that asserts that people "call up" the

self that is appropriate to the situation, structural-functionalism argues that people "put

into action" the social position that is situation-appropriate. This system operates

because the expectations are shared between the actor and the other actors who are

"calling up" and "putting into action" their situation-appropriate selves.

As one considers the assertions of these perspectives, one cannot help but take note of the language used to describe human behaviour. Words such as role and position, actor and acting speak to a certain kind of foundational understanding.

Whether it is because of one's interaction with others, or because of the social

structure, individuals are believed to act according to shared expectations. Individuals

are actors. Appropriately then, role theory evolved from these perspectives.

Role Theory

According to role theory, human beings are actors who perform their shared,

social expectations according to the situation and the people (who also perform according to the shared expectations) around them (Biddle, 1979; Goffman, 1959;

Knowles, 1982; Secord, 1982). From Goffman's (1959) perspective, people are performers:

A 'performance' may be defined as all the activity of a given participant on

a given occasion which serves to influence in any way any of the other

participants. Taking a particular participant and his performance as a basic

point of reference, we may refer to those who contribute the other

performances as the audience, observers, or co-participants (p. 15-16). 10

The pattern of behaviours that one plays during a performance is referred to as one's part or routine. One's parts then make up one's role that one performs to other, certain

actors in a situation. A role includes any behaviour that is governed by shared

expectations. Goffman defines it as, "the enactment of rights and duties attached to a

given status. . . ." (p. 16). They relate to the central values of society, are normative,

and therefore persist over time (Secord, 1982).

One acts according to the situation and the people in the situation. In this way, one's understanding of human behaviour is very much in line with Gemeinschaft

(acting because one is a member of society). However, role theorists also explain human behaviour from a Gesellschaft perspective (acting because one is an individual member of society) (Knowles, 1982). It is often the case that an actor finds

incompatible expectations across different situations and people. Because of this, role theorists allow for the making of a role along with the taking of a role. Goffman

(1959) supports this view of actor-as-independent-entity, and argues that one is often distanced from one's performance. As Knowles (1982) writes of Goffman's perspective, "The actor creates a front, puts on a face, and sets about the task of creating a particular definition of the situation for an audience (p. 8)." While the behavioural expectations help to form one's performance, the actor is still creating his or her performance. Thus, the allowance for both actor-in-society and actor-as- individual is made.

It is understandable to see how role theory has been shaped by the assumptions of symbolic interactionism and structural-functionalism, and in turn, how even these perspectives were shaped by theorists before them. Understanding this history allows 11 one to see from where certain assumptions and language-use have come. One considers the woman who is academic, mother, and wife, and from a social scientist's perspective, perhaps one then enters a discussion of roles and of how these roles are managed and performed. Indeed, it was on this path that I initially embarked as I discussed my research question. And it was over the use of this terminology that I often found myself struggling until I better understood its implications.

Considering Some Presumptions

When one reviews the literature in the areas of the life of the professional woman, of the woman in academia, and of the woman who works outside of the home, one reads about roles. The underlying message therefore, is that of acting and performances. Women perform roles that serve to meet the shared expectations of their audiences. The roles can be numerous and therefore the performances can be many and varied. From birth, one is automatically a child, be it a daughter or a son, and perhaps also a sibling. As one grows, one may become all of these: a playmate, a friend, an enemy, a student, a captain, a neighbour, a spouse, a teacher, and a parent.

From the perspectives of the previously reviewed research, these are all roles that represent the shared expectations held by and within society. According to these perspectives, multiple roles are inherent to living. When considering this terminology, one cannot help but think of the theatre.

Role as roll.

"What role do you play in the show," I ask my friend? And it is from the theatre that this word originates. The French used the word rolle to refer to a roll of parchment on which an actor's part was written http://www.etymonline.com/index.php 12

?search=role&searchmode=none). It is from this use that the term came to mean, "a part one has to play." From the view of many social scientists, we are players, performing our parts according to society's expectations. We are actors who, as structural-functionalism argues, are acting out the expectations of our audiences. Life is a theatre, a stage, as Shakespeare wrote many years ago. Is that all? Do I change fronts from place to place and from person to person? Is this all that I am - a series of masks? I think of my Personality Psychology textbook, Beneath the Mask (1995), and realize that I have not been aware of what the title is conveying. Using the word role to describe human interaction presumes that we are all actors. Am I limited to this?

Or perhaps this is only a metaphor of life? Perhaps it is only a depiction that draws upon similarities between the two things being compared? Surely, it is not meant to be a literal comparison? According to the American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language (2000), a metaphor is, "a figure of speech in which a word or phrase that ordinarily designates one thing is used to designate another, thus making an implicit comparison." Using the word role to express how one interacts in life leads one to view the similarities between the two. But is this an accurate comparison? Am I really just an actor? Of course, there are times in which I act, in which I pretend to be something that I am not. I may pretend to be confident in a situation when I am not.

But this is not how I am most of the time, acting what I am not. As van Manen

(personal communication, December 15, 2004) states, "I am a father, lam a teacher ..

.. You play a role, but you are yourself. Who is the I who plays the self?" Here, van

Manen highlights a shortcoming of this metaphor. He does not play these things. He is these things. 13

To play is to pretend, to act, to perform. When one considers a theatre production, it is normal for a player to have more than one role. One may play a character in a particular scene, and then another character in a different scene. Roles can change and be consistent. Often, with the simple changing of a hat or coat, a character is transformed into another. This is true for the actor on the stage and it is sometimes true for the individual in life. However, to view one's existence in the light of this metaphor, and the assumptions it brings, is to view one's existence in a limited manner.

Is there a different word to describe what is being studied here? This is the question that I soon found myself asking. The language of role theory gives certain understandings and certain limitations. What other word could be used in place of roles so that the assumptions of roles are not conveyed? And do not these words also carry with them certain assumptions that may also limit one's understanding?

Identity

Identity is a word seen within and across the literature. Does this term and its assumptions better fit with what is studied here? The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language (2000) defines identity as, "The set of behavioural or personal characteristics by which an individual is recognizable as a member of a group; the quality or condition of being the same as something else." In this definition, the influence of the group, or society, is evident. The term identity, like the term role, conveys the importance of being recognizable as a member of a group. One thinks back to the importance of shared expectations and of acting in ways that fulfill these expectations. Is this how one is then recognizable as a member of a group? Like the 14

term role, the term identity seems to have a necessary component of normative

behaviour. This is shown even greater when one considers identity theory and its

assumptions.

According to Knowles (1982), identity theory builds on the assumptions,

definitions, and assertions of symbolic interactionism. Recall that symbolic

interactionism asserts that who a person is develops within and because of society. It is

only because one interacts as a member of a group that one is able to learn and become

who one is. The individual calls up the situation-appropriate role and acts in the

manner expected of him or her. There is significant overlap between the two

perspectives and it is for this reason that similar limitations exist.

Identity theory (Stets, 2006; Stryker & Serpe, 1982) uses the language of

identity to convey its understanding of how human beings interact with society. To the

identity theorist, the way in which one answers the question, "Who am I," is the way

in which one views one's identity. The answers to this question are understood in terms of the positions and social roles that one has within society. Because a person has many relationships, it is therefore understood that a person has multiple identities.

Thus, mother, academic, and wife are understood as identities. Altogether, one's

identities make up the self.

One can see the similarities between the concepts of role and identity. In fact, the term role-identity is sometimes used to refer to identity (Stryker & Serpe, 1982).

Like roles, identities represent the positions that one holds within relationships in society. The playing of a certain identity is based on how relevant it is to the current situation. Thus, the playing of one identity instead of another depends on the situation, 15 the expectations within it, and the person playing the identity. Just as roles are acted out according to the situation and the shared expectations of those involved, identities are also played according to the situation and its expectations. Again, one may ask,

"But who is the I who plays the self?" For the identity theorist, one's identities make up one's self. And the identities one portrays are dependent on the audience.

Perhaps a slightly different variation when using the term identity is that it conveys an aspect of sameness. When one discusses roles and multiple roles, difference seems to be emphasized. Yet, identity speaks to being the same. Originating from Latin's, idem, meaning, the same, the word identity speaks to perhaps a consistency, or flow within the individual (The American Heritage Dictionary of the

English Language, 2000). Thus, when one speaks of one's identities, one speaks of those positions that one plays, in light of sameness. This is not as much the case when one speaks of roles.

However, one still portrays one's identities. This term continues to convey the understanding that human beings are actors, constantly performing according to their audiences. It is because of this assumption that one may hesitate to use the word identity when describing being a mother, academic, and wife. Is one ever not acting? If one answers, "Yes," then who are you when you are not acting? One may answer, "I am myself."

Self

How could understanding being a mother, wife, and academic in light of the language of the self enhance or limit one's understanding of the experience? Would the term self or multiple selves better speak to what is studied here? Much philosophical and human science study has concentrated on the definition of the self.

For the purpose of this study, a brief review of a few, key definitions is relevant.

Consider the claims of symbolic interactionism and identity theory once more.

To the interactionist, the self emerges from one's roles. For the identity theorist, the

self is comprised of one's identities. For both, these are learned and formed through

social interaction. Thus, who one is can be answered by identifying one's positions

and their roles that exist within society. Van Manen's question speaks to an "inner

self that is not being addressed by the above-mentioned theories. However, it is a

question that has been the focus of others.

Van Manen (1996) writes, "Most people would have little trouble with the idea

that each of us possesses a separate and unique 'identity' with a more or less stable

'inner self at the centre" (p. 98). He acknowledges that one's identity may change

both socially and biologically over time and across situations but argues that the inner

self remains the same. In other words, while things like our character matures, our

physical features change, and our behaviours vary, there is still an inner self within

each person throughout these changes. There is an inner self, an /, that defines who we

are, apart from our social identities and physiological changes.

This lis separate from the situation. It is of this I, this inner self, that Descartes

speaks, "I think therefore I am." Van Manen (1996) writes of Descartes assertion, "(I

doubt/think, therefore I exist) is a rational confirmation of a subject's intuitive sense of the validity of the existence of an inner self (p. 99). Descartes asserts that there is an I amongst the social selves. There is a stable, inner self. The woman who is an academic may be differently when at school than when at home with her family; yet, there is an inner self that exists within both of, and all of, those situations. Her inner self remains rather stable across those situations. Something within her remains that leads her to know that no matter the situation, she is her self.

To the post-modernist however, there is no such thing as an inner self. The post-modern thinker views the self as lacking any central core and of being comprised of multiple, "fragmented selves" (van Manen, 1996). The inner life is denied and the self exists only in response to the varied social situations. As such, one is only as the

situation demands, with no internal keel.

In this way, the fragmented self or multiple selves sounds much like roles.

Both exist according to the external, with no inner life. Both lack an I at the centre of all of these roles and multiple selves. To the question, "Who is the I who plays the

self," the post-modernist would reply, "There is no I, no inner self." There is no inner compass. Rather, who I am is dependent upon the situation. There is no inner core.

Such an assertion brings to mind the reasons for which one hesitates to use the word role for this study. For the same reasons, one may very well hesitate to use the words multiple selves or the fragmented self, for such terms seem to connote the post­ modern interpretation of the self. If one believes in an inner self, then multiple selves may not be the best terminology to use.

How does one reconcile the intuitive knowledge of the inner self with the rational knowledge of the changing self? Paul Ricoeur (1992) addresses this quandary with his concepts of "self-sameness" and "self-hood." According to Ricoeur, one's self ("soi-meme" or self-sameness) can change according to time and situations while the self ("le soi" or self-hood) remains more constant throughout these changes. Thus, 18

one's bodily presentation, language, desires, and goals may change (self-sameness),

while the self does not necessarily change throughout these external changes. It is in

this distinction that Ricoeur seeks to allow for an understanding of a self that both

changes and remains the same.

William James (1890/1904) also makes allowances for such an understanding

and proposes three constituents of the self: the material self, the social self, and the

spiritual self. According to James, the material self is one's bodily self. This self may

change across situation and time. One's social self is that self as it is in relation to

others. It changes based on relationships and companionship. Lastly, one's spiritual

self is one's inner being. It has a sense of stability and sameness. James' concepts of the material self and the social self seem to fit similarly with Ricoeur's (1992) notion

of self-sameness, while James' concept of the spiritual self seems to better fit with

Ricoeur's notion of self-hood. Both make allowances for the consistent aspect and the

changing aspects of the self.

Because of this, using the term self, seemed to better fit with this research

study. Rather than viewing the woman who is an academic, wife, and mother as a person with multiple roles or multiple identities, this study considers being mother, wife, and academic as parts of her self. Using the term multiple selves is avoided due to its possible emphasis on separateness and on its connotation of lacking an inner, core self. By using the term self, the assumptions that accompany the words role and identity are hopefully avoided, and the meanings of these women's experiences are understood in a different light. 19

The Importance of the Self

I remember when we went to Germany, in every social context, in all contexts, I remember walking around and thinking, "I'm just a 'hausfrau.' I'm 'Frau Schmidt.'" ... I want people to know I am a somebody.

In Germany, this woman feels she is no longer college instructor and Ph.D.

Student. She is, "hausfrau," or housewife. It doesn't matter the setting, anywhere in

Germany, this woman feels that her self is limited to being hausfrau. Other parts of her self—scholar, instructor, doctoral student—seem to not exist when a stranger in

Germany. Of course, she is still those things, and they seem to not be recognized in her Germany existence. Her Germany existence is limited to hausfrau. And for this woman, being only hausfrau leaves her feeling like she is not a "somebody."

Somehow, being scholar, instructor, and doctoral student gives her life meaning that is beyond her experience when in Germany. Not living these meanings leaves her thinking that she has to prove that she is a "somebody," that she is more than this, that she is more varied, and that her life has more meaning.

In the dressing room, the ten-year old boy who tagged me during the game and his brother are having their ice skates taken off by their mom. "You suck," yells the boy! The mom says nothing. I pretend to ignore him. "You're slow," chimes his younger brother! Then they laugh. "You can't skate," teases one of them! And with that, he takes the slush from his blade, forms it into a ball, and throws it at me, hitting me in the thigh. I feel my anger rise within me. I sense my shame. Glaring at him, I coolly state, "At least I don't need my mama to take off my skates for me."

In the car I call my boyfriend. "How was it, Danielle," he asks? "It was terrible," I reply. "Mart," I state, "These kids are mean. I'm a Ph.D. student who could be their family's next therapist, and yet in their presence I feel degraded to clumsy adult who can't skate.'"

To the boys in the skating class, I am the adult in the class who is slow, clumsy, and awkward. I am their definition of uncool. They see me as nothing more 20 than a, "clumsy adult who can't skate." I feel degraded. I am a PhD student,

Provisional Psychologist, girlfriend, sister, and daughter who feels much less when viewed from my classmates' perspective.

In the skating class I feel limited to being only a "clumsy adult." I feel stripped of the other parts of my self that usually give me meaning and confidence. Just as Frau

Schmidt feels that her somebody-ness is hidden from those in Germany, so too do I feel that my somebody-ness is not alive, or not relevant, or not known, when taking my skating lessons. Those boys don't care about the depth and variety of my self. All they care to know about me is that I "suck" at skating. I am pegged as, "clumsy adult" just as the woman in Germany is pegged as hausfrau. Neither of us feels that these titles describe who we are. Both of us feel that we are so much more than how we are being perceived and how the others are relating to us. We feel misunderstood and underestimated. Being slotted into only one understanding of our self leaves us both feeling that we have to prove to the others that we are more.

Why does this matter? Why is having only one understanding of one's self bothersome? Paul Tillich addresses the importance of participating in the world in his book, The Courage to Be (1952). Tillich contends that a person participates in the world, in various ways, in order to affirm who that person is. It is through participation that self-affirmation is achieved. According to Tillich, one makes one's self, one does not discover one's self. A person creates who he or she is. The essence of who a person is, is made, not found.

Tillich writes, "The self, cut off from participation in its world, is an empty shell, a mere possibility" (p. 151). Without participation, life is empty; it is unrealized 21

possibility. The image of an empty shell leads one to think of hollowness, lack of

substance, and nothingness. Could it be that participation in the world really counters

these things? Does participation fill one's shell? Does it give it substance and

something-ness? Is it participation that gives a person somebody-ness? Tillich would

argue so. And it seems that Frau Schmidt and I would agree.

According to Tillich, one creates oneself by trying to actualize all of one's

potentialities, "and his potentialities are inexhaustible" (p. 104). Through participation

in one's world, one actualizes one's potentialities. "The self affirms itself as

participant in the power of a group, of a movement. . .. Self-affirmation ... is the

courage to be" (p. 89). It is both the courage to be as oneself and the courage to be as a

part. For both Frau Schmidt and I, when our participation in the world seems to be

understood within only one view of the self, we both feel a need to prove ourselves as

something more, or to show others that we are more. Being limited to one view of the

self strips us, in the eyes of others, of our other potentialities and of our other parts of

our self. Having our selves viewed in only one way gives us a sense of being less than

who we know ourselves to be. It challenges our sense of self because we know that we

are not limited to the one view through which others are seeing us.

"I didn't realize how much being an instructor and a Ph.D. student meant to me until they were gone," tells Frau Schmidt. What do they mean to her? As Tillich

(1952) suggests, being Ph.D. student and instructor affirm to Frau Schmidt who Frau

Schmidt is. She affirms who she is by being who she is. The lack of being her self and the different parts of her self brings about a lack of self-affirmation. Thus, her desire to

show people that she is a somebody is a feeling of wanting and needing to self-affirm. 22

Her life, her existence, feels so much less when the diversity of who she is is not a part of her. Her essences are not being given the opportunity to be.

For Tillich (1952), it is courage that enables one to self-affirm even when one's self is being threatened. When one self-affirms in the midst of feeling a loss of freedom or self-determination, it is then that courage is being realized. "Courage is the

self-affirmation of being in spite of...." (p. 155). Courage is when one self-affirms in spite of challenge, anxiety, and ultimately nonbeing. Frau Schmidt and I seek to affirm in situations when our selves are being limited and determined by others. We want to show that we are not empty shells. We want to be who we truly are.

What is the experience of the woman who opts to focus less on her self as academic in order to live her self as mother? What is the experience of the woman who chooses to increase her focus as academic, and thereby impact her self as mother?

And what about the woman who is academic, mother, and wife? Do any of these women face challenges of "empty shell-ness?" If such a challenge is being lived, then how do they seek to self-affirm in the midst of it? How is their "courage to be" lived or not lived? Before carrying out this study and seeking to address these questions, a review of the current literature and what it conveys about this life is presented. One may note the lack of dialogue regarding the women's experiences, and the emphasis placed on numbers and the reasoning behind them.

The Statistics

Numerous disciplines have studied the effects of women living multiple roles.

Researchers from the faculties of education, sociology, business, psychology, law, medicine, women's studies, engineering, and animal science have all contributed to 23 the research literature in this area. Hypotheses are posited, questionnaires are

administered, scales are scored, statistics are interpreted, and suggestions are made in

an effort to, perhaps, quantify the experience of multiple roles and to give solutions to the possible negative effects. Because of this research, one knows the percentages of women in academia, the number of roles these women live, the amount of strain reported by these women, the factors that may affect their success as academics and homemakers, and the ways in which these women can try to improve their success and decrease their strain. The following review of the literature, as it pertains to professional women, is presented through this human-as-actor perspective (aka. Role

Theory), for it is in this way that the question is often asked.

Women and Men

The literature often considers the presence of women in academia in comparison to men. Thus, the question is often framed from a comparative point of view. It is well-documented that fewer women than men hold faculty and tenure positions in many academic fields (Barinaga, 1992; CAUT, 2007; Keim & Erickson,

1998; Kulis & Sicotte, 2002; Pell, 1996; Robbins; 2004; White, 1992). The most recent publication of the Canadian Association of University Teachers (CAUT)

Almanac (2007) gives an honest appraisal of the current situation in Canadian academia. According to its statistics, women make up 6.7% of full professors in the faculties of Engineering and the Applied Sciences, 35.3% of full professors in the faculty of Education, 24.1% in the faculties of Humanities and related disciplines,

8.4% in Mathematics and Physical Sciences, and 21.3% in Social Sciences and related fields. Combined, the position of full professorship in Canada is occupied by a woman 24

18.8% of the time. When looking at the status of tenure, women academics make up

27.9% of those who are tenured, 41% of those with tenure track, and 48% of those with non-tenure track. Citing statistics from the Canadian Association of University

Teachers 2002 Almanac, Robbins (2004) indicates that while the numbers are low, they are an improvement from previous years when, as Robbins claims, "a pregnant faculty body was an oddity."

The statistics regarding academic appointment do seem to support a changing trend (CAUT, 2007). In 2004-2005, 32.7% of full-time academic appointments in the

Faculty of Agriculture and Biological Sciences were made to women, while in the

Faculty of Education, 60.3% were to women. In the Humanities and related fields,

47.4% of full-time academic appointments were to women, while in the Health

Professions faculties, 46.4% were to women. Still, faculties such as Engineering and

Mathematics continue to have smaller numbers, with 21.3% and 20.4%, respectively, of academic appointments being given to women.

The current numbers speak to an upward trend in the presence of women in academia. Still, many departments continue to have few women in academic positions.

And one may wonder, who are their students? What is the gender demographic of those enrolling in full-time studies? According to the CAUT's Almanac (2007), women outnumber men overall, with 58.2% of full-time, undergraduate enrolment belonging to women. In faculties such as the Humanities, Education, Social and

Behavioural Sciences, Health and Recreation, and Visual and Performing Arts, women make up 62.9 - 77.9% of those enrolled. 25

And what of graduate studies? Does the trend continue? Across all disciplines, women make up 58.6% of those enrolled in PhD level programs and 56.7% of those in

Masters level programs (CAUT, 2007). Ranging from 26.9% of enrolment in

Mathematics and Computer Sciences, to 70% in Education, the range is great and the trend cannot be ignored.

More women are pursuing academics. More women are enrolling in advanced degree programs. With the attainment of these degrees, more women are looking to enter the academic field. What experience potentially awaits them as they set about to achieve this goal? Would learning of other academic women's experiences affect their decisions?

The Why

While the trend seems to be improving, there continues to be areas in which under-representation exists (ex. full professorship, tenure positions). This under- representation is viewed as a problem and the research surrounding it takes a problem- solution focus. From this perspective, it is imperative to discover the why of the problem. Identifying the why enables one to focus on the problem area for the purposes of stopping or fixing it. Pell's (1996) article, Fixing the Leaky Pipeline:

Women Scientists in Academia, reveals the problem-solution thinking that pervades much of the research on the presence of women in academia. Before a problem can be fixed, it is helpful to identify the source or cause of the problem. The question remains for the solution-focused researcher, "Why the low numbers in these areas?"

Research attributes the statistics of few female academics in certain areas due to various stressors and causes: unequal performance between adolescent boys and 26 girls in high school, poor self-confidence in high school and college women, unequal classroom teaching attention and time, low self-esteem in female graduate students, high teaching anxiety in new female faculty, few female faculty role models, lack of

career guidance, more negative feedback from students, lag in promotion, demands of caring responsibilities, lack of mobility with dependents, spouse's career as a higher priority than wife's, financial constraints, and difficulty balancing multiple roles

(Caplan, 1993; Clance & O'Toole, 1988; Keim & Erickson, 1998; Kulis & Sicotte,

2002; Heenan, 2002; McElrath, 1992; McGivney, 1996; Pell, 1996; Sadker & Sadker,

1994; Widnall, 1988; Zuckerman, 1991). Other research indicates that there appears to be a negative relationship between parental status (number of children) and career achievement for women (Crosby, 1991; Metz & Tharenou, 2001). Many career women delay career involvement in order to have children (Kaufman, 1995; Spain &

Bianchi, 1996). Many career hopeful women attain less education and less career achievement than men of similar intellect (Betz, 1993; Leung, Conoley, & Schell,

1994). Often women interrupt their careers for the sake of childrearing (Schroeder,

Blood, & Maluso, 1992). Many times women are less free to pursue their career due to family needs (Katchadourian & Boli, 1994). And many educated women wait longer to have children, which then affects their fertility rates (Spain & Bianchi, 1996).

In her interviews with women who have chosen to discontinue their pursuit of higher education, Heenan (2002) finds that the most significant factor for non- progression is "caring responsibilities." All women interviewed are engaged in caring for their own children, and/or grandchildren, and/or dependent adults, and/or parents and in-laws. As one interviewee reports, "I wouldn't have the heart to study knowing 27 that they (her daughter and husband) needed me" (p. 46). Such a statement alludes to a strain this woman feels between her desire to study (as student), and her daughter's need for her (as mother). How does she deal with this strain and this conflict? She withdraws from her program of study, thereby eliminating one area of demand.

Robbins (2004) considers the multiple demands of academic women. She reports that 49.6% of all academic women aged 35-39 years and 45.6% of women

PhDs have no children under the age of 12 at home. Robbins believes that these statistics warrant an alert for women who are academic and mothers to be viewed as an "endangered species." Furthermore, statistics indicate that female professors in

Canada are less likely to ever marry in comparison with their male colleagues, and that women professors are much more likely to divorce. These statistics may be disturbing to the women college and graduate students who are hoping to have an academic career, a successful marriage, and motherhood.

The emphasis on caring in these women's lives lends support to Kulis and

Sicotte's (2002) findings that show that women academics lack the mobility of their career husbands. Because the husband's career is often placed as a higher priority than the wife's, and because the wife is still largely viewed as the one primarily in charge of the home and child responsibilities, women are less able to pursue academic appointments and opportunities. In their study that evaluates questionnaire responses,

Kulis and Sicotte find that responsibility for children geographically constrains women's careers more than men's. In one study of criminologists, 21% of the women but only 5% of the men had left an academic position for family reasons (McElrath,

1992). In one university, 3% of the male faculty and 43% of the female faculty had moved for the exclusive reason of their spouse's career (Weishaar, Chiaravalli, &

Jones, 1984). The demands of multiple roles seem to be a salient factor for women

who are attempting to live roles of academic, wife, and mother.

Regardless of these statistics, today's college women want the opportunity to

live the life of professional, wife, and mother (Baber & Monaghan, 1988; Granrose &

Kaplan, 1996; Hoffnung, 2004; Josselson, 1996; Katchadourian & Boli, 1994; Novack

& Novack, 1996). In her study entitled, Wanting it All: Career, Marriage, and

Motherhood During College-Educated Women's 20s, Hoffnung (2004) examines the

expectations of senior college women. Of the sample, 96% state they plan to have a

career, 86% plan to marry, and 98% expect to have children. The hopes of the future

are clear: career, marriage, and motherhood. What can one expect as she lives such an

existence? The research gives a quantified response to this question.

Multiple Roles as Problem

There is comprehensive literature that addresses the effects of multiple roles in

the lives of professional women (Klumb & Lampert, 2003; Waldron, Weiss, &

Hughes, 1998). One of the ways in which the research of the past 40 years tends to

organize the findings is according to the stress hypothesis (Goode, 1960; Mui, 1995;

Pearlin, 1989). This hypothesis contends that a problem exists when the professional

woman occupies multiple roles.

According to the stress hypothesis, multiple roles harmfully affect one's well- being (Goode, 1960; Mui, 1995; Pearlin, 1989; Reid & Hardy, 1999; van Meter &

Agronow, 1982; Waldron, Weiss & Hughes, 1998). The increase of roles brings with

it an increase in demands for one's time, energy, and resources (Barnett, 1993; Keim 29

& Erickson, 1998; Waldron & Jacobs, 1989). Varying forms of this hypothesis exist.

They include the role combination strain hypothesis (the more roles the more strain), the quantitative demands role strain hypothesis (the more children and/or work hours the more harm to one's well-being), and the age-related parental role strain hypothesis

(the younger one's children and the younger one is at first birth the more harmful).

Each of these perspectives contends that multiple roles can make women feel overtaxed. This over-taxation has a detrimental effect on their well-being.

To give an indication of the multiple roles that a woman academic plays,

Stark-Adamec, Robinson, and Loutzenhiser (1993) quantify the amount of time spent in a variety of roles. Their results indicate that in an average month, women academics spend 30.1 hours preparing lectures, 27.1 hours teaching, 41.1 hours conducting research, 6.0 hours working with research collaborators, 43.1 hours grading papers and meeting with students, 11.2 hours working at outside jobs, and 105.7 hours completing family and home tasks. Indeed, such findings indicate many demands on these women's time. They speak to the multiple shared expectations that are placed on and held by these women. With more expectations come greater stress. This knowledge increases one's awareness of the multiple strains faced by the women who are academics, wives, and mothers.

In their study of role strain among married college women, van Meter and

Agronow (1982) found that higher levels of role strain were correlated with reports of poor health, lack of emotional support from the family, and lower levels of marital satisfaction. When the husband disagrees with the woman's choice to focus primarily on her role of student as opposed to her roles of mother and wife, greater role strain is 30 indicated. Dissatisfaction with childcare adds to this high level of strain. When women choose to be mother before student, they also experience heightened role strain, as their need for achievement is suppressed. From this data, it seems that it is a lose-lose situation for the woman, no matter how she prioritizes her roles. It seems that she is constantly facing the demands of expectations from a variety of people and places and that she is not performing up to par. Something, a relationship or perhaps a system, is affected by the lack of performance in the role concerned.

Much of the research that examines the relationship between role strain and multiple roles involves the completion of questionnaires by participating women who indicate their level of agreement or disagreement according to statements made. By rating statements such as, "Time pressures were the most frequent source of problems for me," a score is given to represent the women's levels of role strain. One then assesses the scores and how they relate to various factors in order to identify those things that contribute to or decrease the women's levels of strain. Implementing more decreasing factors would hypothetically give women less strain, while having many contributing factors would increase women's strain. By identifying these factors, research hopes to assist women in making the appropriate changes to their conditions so that these women experience less strain.

The factors that affect one's ability to pursue her career are well-documented.

These factors hypothetically contribute to the low numbers of women in academia.

They are considered possible causes to the problem. Identifying the causes of a problem then enables one to consider the problem's solution. Certainly, a "leaky 31 pipeline" is not a positive situation. Through it, things are lost and missed. The system runs inefficiently when a leak is present. Thus, there is a need to fix it.

Solutions to the Problem

After highlighting several possible causes to the leak problem, research undertakes the task of solution-finding. Pell (1996) even entitles the section in which

she discusses possible solutions, Remedies, and Keim and Erickson (1998) provide a comprehensive list of solutions under their section, Strategies. Role overload and its effects are constant considerations, and solving the problem is an ever-present concern. How can the woman deal with the multiple shared expectations of how she is to perform?

The solutions offered by the research literature are many. In reviewing the existing body of literature, the following solutions to the leak are extended: offer teacher training programs, increase teacher knowledge of classroom habits, offer extramural programs that promote scholastic clubs for girls, provide mentors and advisors, change teaching techniques, provide adequate maternity leaves and child care, recognize priorities so that activities can be organized to achieve both individual and family goals, utilize teaching assistants, have supportive administration, offer

"stop the clock" tenure policies for pregnant faculty, provide faculty discussion groups and support networks, engage in cognitive restructuring and positive self-affirmations, and gain inclusion into the "brotherhood/sisterhood" culture of faculty (Brush, 1991;

Caplan, 1993; Hall & Sandler, 1982; Keim & Erickson, 1998; Pell, 1996; Sadker &

Sadker, 1994; Travis, 1993, van Mater & Agronow, 1982). In regards to integrating into the faculty culture, Pell (1996) writes, "Young faculty members need to weave 32 themselves into the teaching and research life of their department. Stray threads are

likely to get cut off..." (p. 2847). The prescription is to engage in ongoing

interactions with departmental faculty, to not eat lunch alone, and to socialize with

fellow faculty during coffee breaks and after-work time. These suggestions are made

in the hopes of promoting change in these conditions.

Perhaps by gaining the support of one's administration and by increasing people's awareness and knowledge, the shared expectations will adjust so that the

demands for certain kinds of performances are fewer or less frequent? Perhaps this is

the way in which women will be better able to perform according to their multiple

roles?

Not all research supports the view that multiple roles create strain that

negatively impacts one's well-being. There are those who contend that multiple roles

enhance one's experiences and contribute to a more positive sense of well-being. To these researchers, the only problem with multiple roles is viewing multiple roles as a problem. Viewing multiple roles as a benefit rather than a problem therefore leaves no need for a solution.

Multiple Roles as Benefit

Counter to the stress hypothesis (Goode, 1960; Mui, 1995; Pearlin, 1989), the enhancement hypothesis (Moen, Robison, & Dempster-McClain, 1995; Waldron &

Jacobs, 1989) asserts that multiple roles benefit the experience of the professional woman. Rather than viewing the factor of multiple roles as something that depletes one's resources, the enhancement hypothesis argues that multiple roles enrich one's resources. From their perspective, multiple roles provide the professional woman with 33 various and numerous areas from which to draw strength, affirmation, and support.

The more roles one occupies, the more benefits one can potentially experience. The

more shared expectations that one performs, the greater one's depth as an actor.

Just as the stress hypothesis has its variations, so too does the enhancement hypothesis. It seems that neither group of supporters can agree on how multiple roles

either negatively affect or positively enhance a person's well-being. Nevertheless, those who support an enhancement perspective do so according to varying

standpoints. The role accumulation hypothesis (Moen et al., 1992; Waldron & Jacobs,

1989) proposes that multiple roles contribute to better well-being because of the benefits provided by these roles. From their perspective, there are beneficial effects of marriage, employment, and parenthood. Each role provides its own sources of support

and satisfaction and these benefits counter and outweigh any strain that may be experienced due to multiple roles. Therefore, an overall benefit is experienced.

A slight variation of this perspective is the role substitution hypothesis

(Burman & Margolin, 1992; Waldron, Hughes & Brooks, 1996) that states that some roles provide similar benefits and therefore occupying one may be healthier than occupying two. Waldron, Weiss, and Hughes (1998) use the example of marriage and employment to illustrate this point. From their perspective, marriage and employment provide similar benefits, including financial security and increased social support.

They suggest that these roles may therefore substitute for each other since their benefits overlap. Critically speaking, it is hard to imagine that the benefits of any role could be so easily summed up in a simple addition and subtraction equation. 34

The other major variation of the enhancement hypothesis is the role

complementation hypothesis (Barnett, 1993; Waldron & Jacobs, 1989). Supporters of this perspective contend that certain roles may be more beneficial when one also occupies certain other roles. For example, the financial and socially supportive benefits of marriage may be more beneficial to the woman who is also a mother than for the woman without children. Motherhood may increase one's need for financial

security and psychological support, and therefore marriage may better complement the role of motherhood than does singlehood. Of course, one could also argue that financial support and social support are just as valuable to the single woman, as with them her need to perform and produce is eased. Regardless, the role complementation hypothesis does offer a slightly varying view on the way in which multiple roles benefit the professional woman.

It is important to acknowledge that while research may differ on how it interprets the beneficial effects of multiple roles, it is the contention of each and all of these perspectives to assert that multiple roles, in some way, are an enhancement to one's well-being. Having to perform in multiple situations, across varying audiences, enhances one's abilities as an actor. Multiple roles bring multiple opportunities and enhancements.

This manner of viewing multiple roles as beneficial resonates with the writings of Paul Tillich and his book, "The Courage to Be" (1952). As previously discussed,

Tillich contends that it is through one's participation in the world that one self-affirms and makes meaning of one's life. He writes, "Man tries to actualize all his potentialities; and his potentialities are inexhaustible" (p. 104). In living one's 35 potentialities, one affirms him- or herself and thereby gives him- or herself a greater sense of self and meaning. Thus, Tillich agrees that the more one participates in the world, the greater will be one's sense of self. Multiple roles are not to be viewed with dread then, as they enable one to actualize greater potentialities. From Tillich's perspective, multiple roles are an enhancement to one's existence.

Mary Catherine Bateson (1990) seems to support this perspective. In

Composing a Life, Bateson writes:

But what if we were to recognize the capacity for distraction, the divided will,

as representing a higher wisdom .... Perhaps the issue is not a fixed

knowledge of the good, the single focus ... but rather a kind of attention

that is open, not focused on a single point. . . sustained attention to diversity

and interdependence may offer a different clarity of vision, one that is sensitive

to .. . the multiple rather than the singular. Perhaps we can discern in women

honouring multiple commitments a new level of productivity and new

possibilities of learning (p. 166).

Rather than negatively viewing multiple roles and the divided attention that they demand, Bateson wonders if diversity can be viewed positively in light of being open and flexible and therefore productive in one's pursuit of one's possibilities. Much like

Tillich, Bateson contends, "... the more you do, the more you can do" (p. 173). More roles bring more opportunities. More opportunities bring more experiences of productivity and growth. Multiple roles may provide more fertile ground than does a narrow concentration on the singular. Indeed, it would appear that multiple commitments are enhancing. 36

Wendy Robbins (2004) concludes her article entitled, Tenure Track &

Reproductive Track on Collision Course, by writing, "Imagine a world—or even just a

university—where bearing and raising children, and other profound acts of care

giving, might be perceived, not as diluting one's professional focus, but enriching it"

(p. A6). Could it be that being a mother, a caregiver, and an academic could enrich

one's life and therefore one's home and workplace? Could such people experience

greater productivity, creativity, and well-being? It seems that these authors may very

well support the assertions of the enhancement hypothesis.

It is not uncommon for research findings to support the perspective that

multiple roles increase one's social integration, and that this then enhances one's

resources, social recognition, emotional gratification, and sense of identity (Reid &

Hardy, 1999). There are numerous positive aspects associated with occupying multiple

roles, including enhanced self-esteem, identity strengthening, informal support

networks, and greater access to support resources (Brody et al., 1992; Parris Stephens

& Franks, 1995; Scharlach, 1994; Waldron & Jacobs, 1989; Waldron, Weiss, &

Hughes, 1998). Occupying multiple roles enables one to achieve a sense of

accomplishment and to be a part of interpersonal relationships. These benefits may

overshadow any negative strain that may arise when combining numerous roles.

Not only does research indicate that multiple roles may benefit one's well- being, but it also suggests that occupying fewer roles may be detrimental to one's health. Women with multiple roles have better physical and psychological health than women with few role involvements (Amatea & Fong, 1991; Cooke & Rousseau, 1984;

Crosby, 1991). In their study of female university professionals, Amatea and Fong 37

(1991) discover that those women with fewer roles report more strain. It is often

hypothesized that greater strain in the midst of fewer roles is attributable to a lack of

social support and affirmation. Tillich (1952) and Bateson (1990) would further state

that it is because of a lack of opportunity to realize one's potentialities that greater

strain is reported.

There appears to be no shortage of hypotheses that seek to make sense of the

findings in the literature. Whatever one's perspective, it is clear that research indicates that multiple roles affect a woman's life, be it positively or negatively. Whether it is

strain or enhancement, women experience something when having to perform in a

variety of ways to meet a variety of expectations. Research has sought to describe and perhaps explain the effects of multiple roles. But what is the lived experience of the woman who is academic, wife, and mother? What is the meaning of her experience? It

is the meaning of her experience and how it may influence my own and that of the reader's, that this research hoped to understand. 38

Chapter 3: The Framework

This study asks the question, "What is the lived experience of being mother,

wife, and academic?" Through the process of interpretive inquiry, one's knowledge

and understanding of how these women experience their daily lives, is deepened. This

process challenges one's own beliefs and assumptions about these women's

experiences, and perhaps affects change in one's own.

Interpretive inquiry is driven by the desire to more deeply understand human

experience (Angen, 2000; Bailey, 1997; Moss, 1994; Smith, 1992). It heightens one's

awareness of the meanings of everyday life and it describes these meanings to a

certain degree of depth and richness. It impacts one's own experience of the world, as

meanings are unearthed and as one is brought into a more direct contact with the world

(Angen, 2000; Smith, 1992; van Manen, 1994). Through interpretive inquiry, both the

researcher and reader are moved to new levels of understanding, their actions are transformed in some way, and they are enlightened in their understanding of the

human condition (Angen, 2000). There is enrichment in understanding. By understanding the meaning of an experience, one more deeply understands one's own

experience.

This form of research does not aim to offer a single understanding of an

experience that is to be heralded as truth; rather, it wants to provide new possibilities and it welcomes expansive and even contesting interpretations (Angen, 2000).

Grounded on the belief that one is never separate from one's interpretations, it does not aspire towards the uncovering of an all-encompassing conclusion (Bailey, 1997;

Smith, 1992). Instead, it seeks to understand the interpretations that people give to 39

their own experiences, and it offers this understanding as one interpretation to be

considered, challenged, and expanded.

Unlike much previous research that has quantified the experiences of women

academics, this inquiry sheds light on the lived experience of being academic, mother,

and wife by questioning its meaning and significance. The interests of this researcher

do not lie in discovering whether or not an event actually occurred, how often it tends

to happen, and how the event is related to the occurrence or prevalence of other

events. This researcher searches for meaning and understanding of the experience

instead of for measurement and explanation.

How does the woman experience being a mother, wife, and academic? What is

it like for her to experience her day as one part of her self calls her, often with little

regard for her need to attend to another part? Is it ever a struggle for her? Is it a

reward? What would a description of her experience be? And how would an

interpretation of these experiences bring deeper understanding of her life?

Method

This interpretive inquiry follows the "elemental methodological structure" as

described by Max van Manen in his book, Researching Lived Experience: Human

Science for an Action Sensitive Pedagogy (1994). Van Manen writes that the following

six research activities, and the dynamic between and within them, constitute the pursuit of human science research: to turn to a phenomenon of personal interest, to

investigate it as it is lived and not as it is conceptualised, to reflect on the essential themes, to describe the phenomenon through writing and rewriting, to maintain a

strong orientation to the phenomenon on, and to balance the research by exploring 40

parts and whole. These activities provide the structure on which this research is based.

This chapter, and the ones that follow, demonstrate the manner in which this structure

was followed.

Investigating: Collecting Experiences

A professor involved in this research generated a list of eighteen women who

met the criteria for this study. I contacted these women via email by introducing

myself and my work, and by asking them to respond according to their interest to

participate. The introductory email read accordingly:

In a recent meeting I had with (a professor) regarding my dissertation, (this

professor) suggested that I contact you to see if you would be willing to meet

with me. I am a Counselling Psychology doctoral student at the UofA and

am writing on the experiences of women who are (or were) academics, wives,

and mothers. (This professor) told me that you are both a strong academic and

a caring mother. Would you be willing to meet with me, that we may discuss

my research? I would greatly appreciate this opportunity and would be most

grateful for your time. Thank you for your response.

Meeting times were arranged with the first nine women who responded

favourably. I then met with each woman in her office on campus, introduced myself

and my study, and answered any questions posed. Following this, we reviewed and discussed the Informed Consent Form (See Appendix 1).

Prior to the commencement of any lived experience descriptions, each woman read and signed an informed consent form. The consent form described the research question and the projected timeline of involvement, informed the reader that she is 41 free to withdraw from the study at any time without consequence, discussed the possible benefits or consequences of participating in such a study, and provided the researcher's contact information. All women were given the opportunity to ask questions prior to having them sign the consent form. Once understanding had been ensured and consent given, I gave a copy of the signed consent form to each woman.

The process of asking the question then began.

This current study gathered lived experience descriptions (van Manen, 1994).

Lived experience descriptions are descriptions of one's lifeworld—the world as one experiences it (Husserl, 1970). It is one's immediate experience of the world prior to any reflection, conceptualizing or categorizing (van Manen, 1994). Each person's life experiences are different from another's, for each person's experiences and meanings vary. Lifeworlds are as varied and different as are humans. Of what worth is the collection of these women's, or anyone's, descriptions of their experiences? As van

Manen writes, "We gather other people's experiences because they allow us to become more experienced ourselves (1994, p. 62). For the human science researcher, it is not enough that I learn about another's experience and that I can describe it. In addition to this, the human science researcher seeks to be changed by it. There is a moral responsibility to evolve, to be enlightened, and to have my actions changed

(Angen, 2000). Through the collection of lived experience descriptions, the researcher seeks to gain a deeper understanding of the experience. It is the recollection of the experience, its interpreted meaning, and the possibility of it being another's experience, that is so keenly of interest. 42

It is for this reason that the value of this study cannot be limited to only

benefiting the woman, or the woman student, or the woman academic. To what extent

can the experiences of the women in this study be your own? How might their

experiences evoke change in the way the researcher and reader lives? These

possibilities expand the worthiness of questioning this experience beyond a scientific

one to include personal and social meanings as well.

Investigating: Asking the Question

The discussions with these women were more conversational than interview­

like. Most began by inviting the participant to tell me about her family and career in terms of when she became an academic, when she married, how many children she

has, etc. This helped establish a comfort level between us and tended to get the

conversation "going." While a strict set of interview questions was not used in this

conversational process, I had a set of general questions that I could use to help focus

or encourage the participant in her telling of her experiences. Some of these questions

included:

1.) Tell me about your experience of being mother, wife, and academic.

2.) Are there any experiences that you can think of when you were aware that

you were being academic, mom, and wife at the same time; when you were

having to focus on more than one aspect of your self in the same moment?

3.) Have you ever had an experience in which you chose to be academic over

being a mom? What about a moment in which you chose being academic

over being wife? Or being mother over being academic? 43

4.) Tell me about any moment you remember when one aspect of your self

needed attention and you had to choose, or somehow attend to both.

5.) Do you remember a specific time when being wife, mom, and academic

was in conflict, or worked well together, or helped each other?

Often, without any prompting of my own, women naturally progressed into telling me about specific instances in which they were aware of being mother, wife, and academic, or any combination thereof. At times, I would ask questions like, "Can you tell me about a specific time that happened?" And, "Can you tell me about that as you experienced it in the moment?" This sort of direct questioning helped focus the women to give the type of descriptions necessary for this research.

All conversations were digitally recorded and later transcribed. The following pseudonyms were assigned to ensure each woman's privacy: Mia Cameron, Madeline

Cote, Rachel Evans, Devon James, Val Jeffries, Claire Olson, Abbey Schlosser,

Yvonne James, and Ellen Young. Names of children, spouses, cities, and departments were also altered to maintain privacy. Other than these changes and omitting fillers such as "um," "like," and "ah," the quotations used in this work are direct quotations.

These words were deleted so as to promote an uninterrupted reading process. Access to the original study information is limited to the researcher and her committee. This was explained to each woman at our meeting.

Like much human science research, interpretive inquiry makes use of interview, personal communication, diary entries, current events, media, history, literary works, philosophical works, and word meanings and associations, as it interprets the meaning of lived experience (Bailey, 1997; Lasiuk, 2008; Smith, 1992; 44

van Manen, 1994). As I conversed with friends, colleagues, family, and fellow

students, various resources would often be given to me in follow-up to our

conversations. Movies and novels were recommended. Newspaper articles were

forwarded. Many of these sources have been used to help offer a deeper understanding

of the women's experiences.

Reflection, Writing, and Rewriting

Following the collection of these lived experiences, the process of reflecting on

them and their meanings really began to unfold. Often, I would leave an interview,

making notes in a binder that I carried for that purpose. I would reflect as I travelled

away from the interview site and would record my thoughts and questions. Often,

reflection continued as I would speak of their experiences to others and would be

inspired by my listeners' responses. By transcribing the interviews myself, I had the

opportunity to revisit each interview, rehear each experience, and refresh my thoughts

and reflections about it. This provided a useful way of keeping the conversation going.

Reflection was guided by the existential themes of lived body (corporeality),

lived space (spatiality), lived time (temporality), and lived relation (relationality) (van

Manen, 1994). As I sat and listened during each conversation, I often had these

existential themes in mind, and found that I would make comments connected to them.

It was fascinating to hear each woman speak, often unknowingly, to these existentials.

Lived body.

"Corporeality" refers to the fundamental lifeworld theme of always being bodily in the world (Merleau-Ponty, 1962). "We are our bodies," writes J. H. van den

Berg (1972, p. 50). Meeting and interacting with others is done, firstly, through our 45

bodies (van Manen, 1994). With such a connection between body and experience, it

leads one to question one's experience of one's body when examining the woman who

is academic, wife, and mother. One may present her body differently depending on the

part of her self to which she is currently attending. How is her experience altered

according to this bodily change? What is her experience like? Consider Casual

Fridays, are these not days in which employees are given the choice to present themselves in a way that is different from their usual work body? The doctor who is

always seen in a suit and tie from Monday to Thursday presents himself, and is seen,

on Casual Fridays in jeans and a sweater. Are these jeans and sweater from a different, yet same, self of the doctor's? How a person experiences her reality, through her body,

may change according to the part of her self. At the same time, how others view

another's body may also change.

Using this theme of corporeality helps one more greatly understand the

experience of the woman who is mother, wife, and academic. Meaning is uncovered.

Deeper understanding is gained.

Lived space.

"Spatiality," or lived space is another existential theme through which one can more deeply understand a particular dimension of daily life (van Manen, 1994). To say that lived space is an existential is to say that it pervades the lifeworlds, and therefore experiences, of all human beings. Space affects the way one feels. It affects the way one experiences. It therefore affects the meanings one gives to certain experiences.

The fact that an object carries the same name under different circumstances

does not guarantee its being the same under those different circumstances. 46

Take an oak tree, for instance. The oak tree in a wood in Normandy and the

oak tree in a square in Berlin. But what a difference! No doubt this difference

is traceable to the difference within the spectator; one is a different person in

a wood in Normandy from what one is in Berlin. But this difference exists

because Normandy and Berlin differ. The oak tree plays a part in this

difference. An oak tree without anything-without a place-does not exist. The

oak tree is different (van den Berg, 1972, p. 36-37).

It served well to consider the nature of lived space when seeking to understand

the experience of the woman who is academic, mother, and wife. Exploring the

varying spaces and their meanings of them contributes to one's understanding of this

phenomenon.

Lived time.

"Temporality" is that existential that refers to subjective time (van Manen,

1994). Temporality is not the objective time that passes perfectly by the clock. Rather

it is the subjective time that leads one to say, "Time flies when you're having fun," or,

"Time is dragging by." It is temporality that speaks to how a person experiences the

world in lived time.

According to van Manen (1994), the temporal dimensions of past, present, and

future make up the horizons of a person's temporal landscape. When my friend

questioned me in the hot tub regarding my ten-year plan, my future became very present to me, that is, I began to consciously live it in that moment. First, I considered my past: nine years of post-secondary schoolwork. I considered my future: another

four years of graduate school before my schoolwork is completed. I thought of my 47

age, my stage in life, my goals—both professional and familial, and realized that

either I would not put my degree to use until I was forty and would be a mom for the

next ten years, or I would not be a mom until I was forty and would have a career for

the next ten years. I liked neither choice. The consideration of my future and my past

led me to question my present. In fact, it even changed my present.

As van den Berg (1972) writes, "The first thing that must be said about the past

is that it speaks to us in the present" (p. 79). The past becomes significant in the now. It

gains its significance from being reflected upon in the present. How does one's present

view of the past give meaning to one's self? Furthermore, how does this view give

meaning to one's view of the future self?

Van den Berg (1972) also argues that the present is made by the future. What

one chooses to do today is based on one's hopes for tomorrow. I continue with my

studies in the hopes of attaining a Ph.D. in the future. I am a student today in order to become an academic professional tomorrow. This hope of becoming an academic is present in my past and exists because of my future. Just as the past becomes

significant because of how one views it in the present, so too does the future gain meaning according to how it approaches one in the now. Thus, as van den Berg concludes, the past and future are not two distinctive spheres that meet at a place called "present." Rather, they are both embodied in the present, with the past being what is behind us, and the future being what is to come.

What is the experience of lived time for the woman who is academic, mother, and wife? How is one to apply this existential to gain meaning into her lived experience? Does the way in which she experiences time change according to the part 48

of the self? Keeping this existential theme in mind helped shed light on this phenomenon.

Lived other.

"Relationality," or lived other, is the existential that describes how one lives in relationship to others (van Manen, 1994). Human beings are relational beings. Each

and every object outside of oneself calls one to relate to it in some way. Just as lived

space brings one to experience and to have meaning in a certain way, so too does lived

other.

"What name are you going to use when you get your Ph.D.," asks a friend,

"Dr. Fullerton or Dr. Straub?" This is a good question. The name affects and will

affect how I relate to others and how others will relate to me. This new aspect of my self, for example professor, brings with it a new name, "Dr. So-and-So." Just as becoming wife may bring with it a new name, "Mrs." These words speak to one's self.

They tell a person how to address another person. They therefore affect the ways in which a person relates to another. Having these varieties within the self can mean having multiple names. How do the names affect one's lived experience? How do they give meaning to one's existence? And how is the self experienced, considering these names and the parts that they represent?

"I'd like the neighbourhood kids to call me Mrs. Straub," I say, "but I'd like my colleagues to call me Dr. Fullerton." This statement, and the use of names, conveys the ways in which I would like to relate to others and the ways in which I would like others to relate to me. To the neighbourhood children, I do not want to be viewed as a professional, or as living in a world separate from theirs. To me, the title 49

"Dr," says, "Step into my office;" while, the title "Mrs." Says, "Step into my home."

My title will depend on how I want to be perceived. It will also depend on how I want

to be related to and on how I want to relate to others.

Many women today face an interesting challenge. The parts of their self often

overlap in space, time, and relation. They may, or may not, keep them separate. Or

they may strive to live them simultaneously. Considering the ways in which they

relate to others and the ways in which others relate to them helped inform my

understanding of their experience. By contemplating the theme of relationality, deeper

understanding of the lived experience of being mother, wife, and academic was

gained.

Submerged

Once the lived-experience descriptions were gathered and transcribed, I began

to determine the themes of the descriptions. As van Manen (1994) describes, a theme

is the experience of meaning, of point. It illustrates an aspect of the structure of lived

experience. It is, "the sense we are able to make of something" (p. 88). In reality, my

mind was already beginning to notice potential themes as I participated in each

conversation. I would often record my idea with a question mark, and leave it as a

possibility to consider. In doing this, I began to become aware of the special meanings

of the experiences. As van Manen (1994) writes, "we try to unearth something

'telling,' something 'meaningful,' something 'thematic' in the various experiential

accounts—we work at mining meaning from them" (p. 86). This mining is done through a process of reading, writing, and re-writing. In doing this, one becomes

submersed in one's question. It is when one is submersed that meanings become 50

illuminated. And indeed, I became submersed. As discussed later in this text, it was not uncommon for me to carry in my bag a relevant resource for the current theme on which I was reflecting. I became an avid reader once again, and enjoyed the process of reconnecting with materials that were non-scholastic in nature.

Writing and rewriting are processes in which the researcher is actively and

continuously engaged when questioning an experience (van Manen, 1994). Writing is not something that one begins once the data has been collected and the interpretations have been made. Rather, the researcher has been writing all along. Interpretive inquiry is writing. In this project, I kept a "research diary" in which my own thoughts, reflections, and questions were documented. Doing this kept me continually oriented to my research question and led me to ideas and insights that furthered my understanding of the experience.

Limited

When it comes to engaging in interpretive inquiry, I am a beginner. In this way, I am this research's greatest limitation. I have attempted to search social scientific works, philosophical literature, literary writings, film, and word associations and meanings to enhance my understanding of these women's experiences. My search is not all-encompassing. Within my own, limited framework have I sought to answer this question. Herein lies a beauty of interpretive inquiry, for my purpose is not to provide a conclusive statement at this study's end. Interpretive inquiry is based on the belief that what I offer in my research—interpretation—is limited, and subject to time and place. This study is to compel its readers to question, reflect, and challenge. In doing this, the interpreting will continue, and meaning will continue to be understood. 51

Beginning seven years ago when I asked my practicum supervisor why her dissertation took her so long to complete, and resurfacing again six years ago when I sat in my friend's hot tub, the question has asked itself time and time again, "What is the lived experience of the woman who is academic, wife, and mother?" This question is not asked because I had to ask a question; rather, this question is asking itself. It speaks to who I am, who I was, and who I want to be. Is it not natural that I submerge myself in the question that already resides within? And as I questioned, studied, and reflected, the following themes surfaced: Called, Juggling Time, Juggling Space, Torn,

Making Room, and Sharing in Being. These are the themes that speak to these women's experiences. These are the themes that, in some way, may speak to your own. 52

Chapter 4: Called

At the Office, "I Just Have to Check"

I have a student in my office doing a supervision and the phone rings and I say, "Can you wait a second, I just have to check?" And I check and it says, "Daycare." ... I say, "I need to take this call."

Or sometimes it's not on this phone, it's on my cell phone if it's an emergency usually from the daycare. And I usually pick up all my cell phone ones 'cause I can't recognize the numbers and it doesn't say the name or anything like that. So I pick it up and I say, "Excuse me." And then I hear, and it always freaks me out because I hear, "Hi Rachel," they usually call me by first name. "It's the daycare and I'm calling about Samantha." And your heart sinks and you're like, "Oh my gosh, what happened?" You think worse case scenario.

On that particular day that they called they're like, "She's running a high fever and she's really fussing." ... And so you're like, "Okay." And they go, "Could someone come and ... ?" And I say, "Sure, I'll be there. My husband or I will be there."

So then I say, "I'm sorry, there's a family emergency. Can we reschedule?" Continue this or we're wrapping up very quickly. You take two minutes to wrap up whatever you need to do, and an action plan and like, "I'll touch base with you." And the student's fine, "No problem. Okay. Thanks." And they leave. I have to check my schedule, call my husband, "Are you able to do this in a little bit?" And this is all within, we're talking about five minutes because we need to get there to pick up this child like pronto. So it's more negotiation. Figuring out who's going to do it.... I talked to the secretaries, "Gotta go, my child's sick." So basically wrapping up the phone conversation with my husband and getting out of here and in disarray. Not a lot of prep. Like I mean it's important to wrap up, take the stuff you need for the end of the day, but usually it's like gotta shut down and go and I'll deal with it the next day.

For Rachel Evans, the ringing of her office phone awakens a need in her to,

"have to check." When Rachel's office phone rings, it means, "Check to see if you are being called as Mother. And if you are, pick up!" A call from "Daycare" takes

immediate precedence over her current activity. It is not a matter of wanting or consenting to answer the call. To Rachel, it is a need. She has to. There seems to be no 53

moment of choosing to answer. The "Daycare" is a Caller who receives an immediate

response. Yes, there is a moment of choosing to look, and when a certain name is

calling, there is no choice but to answer.

The word call stems from the Old English word hildecalla, battle herald, and

from the Old German word kallon, to talk loudly (www.meriam-webster.com

/dictionary/call). A call is something one makes to another or something that one

receives from another. One may call and declare battle, whether or not the Other is

ready. One does not need the approval or permission of the Other in order to call. One

simply does it. Being called is an action that someone does to you. It is the Other who

chooses when and how I am called. Even when choosing not to respond, I am still

being called. It seems that being called is something over which I have no power. Yes,

I can choose my response but I cannot choose whether or not I am called. The decision

to be called lies in the hands of the Other. Not liking being at the total mercy of the

Other, one may adopt methods that help maintain some aspect of control.

Reviewing the latest "Personal Call Services" from Telus®, I note numerous

features that attempt to give the individual a sense of control over being called. Call

Display allows one to see who is calling and therefore use this information to base

one's decision on whether or not to answer the call. Caller Reveal takes it a step

further and instructs unknown callers to identify themselves so that the individual can

answer only the calls that he or she wants. Call Screen re-routes unwanted callers to a pre-recorded message, thereby saving the individual from having to respond in the moment at all. And the Do Not Disturb feature plays a message to incoming callers— except those who one has chosen—that one is not accepting calls at this time. These 54

features all attempt to contribute to a sense of control for the one being called; and yet,

one cannot keep another from calling. One can choose to not interact with the caller,

or re-route the caller, or give automated instructions to the caller without having to

interact with the caller at all. However, the Other can still call and therefore, the

individual is still being called.

These features from Telus® give one the impression that he or she can always

determine when he or she accepts a call. There is a sense of choice and power

conveyed, "Manage your calls more efficiently with Calling Features," Telus® tells its

customers. One has complete command over the receiving of one's calls. It is the

Called who manages the calls. And yet, as one considers Rachel Evans' experience, one questions the legitimacy of Telus' slogan.

Rachel Evans notes a deficiency in her cell phone system, as it does not display numbers, and therefore she must answer the call every time. She cannot risk missing a call from her child. She cannot risk being called as Mother and not responding. While at the office, her Call Display informs her whether or not she is being called as Mother and she can answer accordingly. With the ringing of her cell phone however, the caller is not identified. The Caller is unknown and therefore the person by whom and to whom Rachel is being called is also unknown. And Rachel cannot gamble. There is an importance in seeing the numbers. It is an importance of identity, for the numbers inform Rachel by whom she is being called and to whom she may have to respond.

They tell her who she is and to whom she is at that moment.

Rachel expresses, a "sinking feeling" that accompanies the Other's name.

"Daycare" is not an Other that invokes positive thoughts and feelings; rather, Rachel's 55

"heart sinks." She thinks, "worse case scenario." Though in an academic setting and with a student, the Other's name, "Daycare," calls her to her self as mother. There is no resentment, only concern. There is no delay. Her response is immediate.

When called as mother, Rachel responds, discontinues her current activity, reschedules, wraps up, "shuts down" her office, and goes. Being called as mother brings her academic activities to a halt. Rachel uses the term "shuts down" to describe what she does to her office when called as mother. And really, Rachel as academic

"shuts down." The ending of the meeting, the closing of the lights, and the shutting of the door, all symbolize the shutting down of Rachel as academic in that moment, for she can "deal with it the next day." Her academic life is closed until she is able to be mother as fully and appropriately as the situation demands.

There is a freedom Rachel senses in being academic. She can "shut down" this part of her self when she is called as mother. The door can close on this part of who she is and she can revisit it the next day. There is a lack of freedom Rachel senses in being mother. When called as mother, she cannot delay. She cannot postpone. There is no, "I'll deal with it the next day." To be called as mother is to be called to action, no matter what else has to shut down as a result.

Val Jeffries knows this urgency:

I was in the middle of some meeting in my office and I see (name of child's school) and, "Oh god, I better answer!"

The urgency is evident. The need to answer is plain. The name of the child's school calls Val as mother. Again, there is no delay; rather, a sense of emergency is felt. As

Rachel explains, "You think worse case scenario." The names associated with one's 56 child lead one to think, "emergency" when called by them. And one's only move is to act.

While speaking with Rachel, her phone rings:

"Just going to check this." She reads her Call Display. "This is the experience that we're talking about," she notes. "Do you mind stopping it (i.e. the recording) for one more second," she asks? "No. Nope. Not at all. No problem," I respond. "Hello," Rachel answers her phone and I stop the recording. She ends her conversation and I restart the recording. "Sorry about that," she apologizes. And the interview continues.

Rachel's response to her phone ringing is immediate. Though caught mid- sentence, she pauses as she leans over her desk to check which Other is calling. Again, when it registers that the Other is child-related, our conversation is put on hold for the sake of answering the call. Right before my eyes, Rachel is called as mother and again, her response is immediate. Only once Rachel has judged that the situation is not an emergency can she maintain academic. Only once she has assessed the situation can she know that she can be responsible as mother while being academic at the same time. Rachel is called as mother and instantly responds. She realizes that her initial response does not warrant further response as mother. It is then, and only then, that she can continue as academic.

What do I experience as I observe Rachel being called as mother? I am meeting with Rachel in an academic setting, her office on campus, for the sake of conducting this interview, an academic purpose. Do I continue to view her as academic as she answers the call as mother? Yes. Was this my only perception? No. In that moment, my perception of Rachel includes both mother and academic. I hear the concern in her voice as she answers the phone. The mother concern. I hear the 57 conciseness in her voice as she realizes it is not an emergency and addresses the issue.

She hangs up the phone and continues where we had left off. But she has been called.

And the call has called her to respond.

During the interview with Devon James, the phone on her desk rings as well.

Devon briefly pauses during her dialogue as she checks the Call Display. She then continues:

I'll answer the phone if it's her (i.e. her daughter). Which is my automatic. When the phone rang, if you noticed, I looked, 'cause I have Caller Display. So I would know it's her. Yup, and if it had been her, I would have said, "Excuse me, I have to take this."

In this instance, Devon does not have to stop our conversation because she assesses that the one calling her is not child-related. Thus, our interview can continue after a brief pause. Unlike Rachel, who stopped our interview completely and requested that the recording device be turned off, Devon did not feel this need, as she was not being called as mother. When called as mother in an academic setting, the academic process is interrupted, attention and privacy are needed, and the mother who is an academic responds accordingly. Rachel's phone call warrants immediacy and privacy because she is being called as mother. Devon's caller can leave a message.

She is not being called as mother. And Devon is sure to state that if she was called as mother, she would respond differently. When called as mother, versus being called as academic, the academic mother seems to have no choice but to answer.

I got a phone call from her (Melanie, her daughter) right after school. I was in my office. She was at school. I get a phone call. She says, "I'm coming to your office." Because the school is within walking distance. She says, "I'm coming to your office. I have to come. I can't take the bus. I have to come to your office .... I'm coming right now." Click. And she hangs up. And I'm thinking, "What is that about?" 'Cause that's not her style. She's usually laid 58

back, and laissez faire, and very calm. So, she arrives and she comes into my office. I'm in my administration office and she breaks down in tears, which is not her either. She's always calm 'cause it's no big deal, it's never a big deal. And she goes, "I had the worse day of my life." I said, "What happened?" Well, she had been in a fight. I said, "You've been in a fight?! With whom?" Anyway, she explained to me the situation. The bell had rung, and the teacher had asked her to go into the hall and tell all the others who were doddling to get in. So she told this one guy to get in and anyway he pushed her, so she pushed back. Which, I don't blame her. Honestly I don't blame her. Anyway, that was fine.

And in the meantime, before she had arrived, I had gotten an email from the principal, that she wanted to see me. So then I put the two and two together, I thought, "Is that email related to this issue?" So I called the school and I said, "I just received an email from the principal." She says, "Yes, she'd like to meet with you." I said, "Well," I said, "I can go right now." Okay. So I said to Melanie, "I have to go to the school." I said, "The principal wants to see me. I said, "It's probably about this. She goes, "Does she want to see me too?" I said, "Well she didn't say." She goes, "I wanna stay in the car." I said, "Alright." So I did go into the school, and sure enough, it was more or less, you know, he pushed her so she pushed him back. So anyways, so, whatever.

So that was one time I had gotten called. And I just left. She was in crisis mode, basically, and I thought, "I have to settle this now or the evening will be hell. She'll be so stressed that she won't want to go to school tomorrow, and there'll be, the psychological consequences." I thought, "I have to deal with this now." So I just left. Shut the door. I said, "Come on, we're going."

But yes, that was one time where I just dropped ... I just dropped whatever. I do remember that day 'cause it was already like four o'clock and I had no meetings. The office closes at four-thirty and I had no evening meetings. So I just closed the door, I dropped everything and I did go to the school.

Devon "dropped everything" when called by her daughter as mother. Melanie is in "crisis mode" and so, Devon responds immediately. Devon senses that something is not right. She perceives that her daughter is behaving in a way that is not congruent with who Devon knows Melanie to be. And so, there is a sense of urgency. The lack of fit between Devon's knowledge of her daughter and her daughter's behaviour informs 59

Devon that there is a "crisis." Being called as mother when her child is in "crisis

mode" means that Devon's response can only be one of action.

Just as Rachel Evans enters the "shut down and go" process when she is called

as mother, so too does Devon. And again, what is it that shuts down? It is not her self

as mother. It is not her self as care giver. These are not options for shutting down

when a child is in "crisis mode." Devon's language of, "I just left. .. shut the door ...

I just closed the door, I dropped everything ..." is symbolic of the exiting as

academic and the entering as mother. In Devon and Rachel's accounts, once they are

called as mother, there is no time for contemplation. There is only time for action.

This is not a time of organization or planning. This is drop and go.

Devon shuts the door and leaves her academic space because her daughter

needs her. This is not a call that Devon can ignore. She cannot delay her response or

state, "I'll respond to her call later." She cannot listen to the message and take time to

deliberate when a response would best fit into her schedule. The call to mother is

urgent and the academic mother responds in kind. When called by her child, the

academic mother is mother until the crisis has passed.

As Devon tells the experience, she recalls having no evening meetings. It

seems that this lack of commitment to her self as academic makes it easier to respond

as mother. The fact that her evening is open seems to give Devon a sense of freedom

in answering her call as mother. But what if such a freedom is not present? What if her

schedule is not so considerate? What happens when the call to be academic is strong and the call to be mother occurs simultaneously? How does the woman who is academic, mother, and wife experience this? 60

When Academic Does Not Comply With Second Place

The first year that our son was in daycare, I think within the first, it was sort of the first two months and I had just kinda gone back into full-time teaching and I got a phone call that he (her son) had had an accident over at the daycare. And he had cut, cut his, cut himself and it was bad enough that they were phoning and they thought he needed to go to the hospital. So, I was about to go off to teach, and I had that, and then my husband, what ended up happening is my husband then phoned me, he said, "No don't worry, you go do this and I will go to the hospital." Like the entire time I was teaching

I was consumed by this. I was just feeling awful. And it's like, it's because, I mean the, I think not being there, not being there in a moment when your child is hurt is really agonizing. And I wanted to be there, and it's like, and it's kinda like I still look at that and think, "God, why? What a horrible, why did I even feel pressure to make the choice that I did?" 'Cause I really wanted to be at the hospital.

Anyway, when I finished the lecture that I had to do, I went rushing off, and he had a golf-sized bump on his, a little bump, and he was two, and he's got a little scar there and every time I look at that scar I think, "Ugh!" It just brings it all back. To me, it reminds me, and it's like, it's, it's, and that's an example of how, it really sort of can come instantaneously. I was just thinking about my son, I just wanted to get out of the class essentially. I was just kind of going through the motions and feeling that I didn't want to be there. I wanted to be somewhere else.

Abbey Schlosser chooses to respond differently to her child's call than do

Rachel and Devon. Abbey is about to teach a class. She has a commitment to a number of people who are waiting for her. They expect her to be there. They expect her to show up and teach their class. Abbey feels the pressure of this expectation. She is being called as mother in a time that she is also being called as academic.

The need to feel, "responsible as a mom" is somewhat addressed when

Abbey's husband tells her that he can attend to their son. He is willing to answer the call as father so that she can continue as academic. Only, Abbey experiences that having her husband answer the call as father is not the same as Abbey answering the 61

call as mother. Abbey is assured that their son will not be alone. She knows that their

son will have his father with him. And yet, Abbey as mother cannot be quieted.

Choosing to answer her call as academic over her call as mother proves to be

an "agonizing" experience for Abbey. She describes the experience as one in which

she is "consumed." On the outside, she arrives as academic for her class. On the

inside, Abbey as mother is restless. The mother, "didn't want to be there." The mother,

"wanted to be somewhere else." The mother, "was just thinking about (her) son," and,

"wanted to get out of the class." Though physically present as academic, Abbey remembers being consumed as mother. She recalls, "going through the motions" as

academic, as if to suggest a disconnect between who she is being and who she wants to be, "I was .. . feeling that I didn't want to be there."

The guilt Abbey feels during this experience and afterwards is apparent, "I was just feeling awful." She asks the question, "God why?" And, "Why did I even feel pressure to make the choice I did?" Her son's scar is a reminder to Abbey of this one time that she did not respond to the call of mother as her self wanted her to. It is doubtful that Abbey would have such guilt if she had chosen to answer the call of mother instead of the call as academic. She chose the opposite, and she experiences the consequences of such a choice with every reminder of the event. When called as mother and the mother does not make herself available, Abbey's experience is one of guilt and regret.

Abbey experiences a fierce battle within her self between her self as academic and her self as mother. When she chooses to address her academic needs over her mother needs, the mother in her is not at peace. It seems the academic is much more 62

easily quieted when told, "I'll deal with it the next day," than when a similar message

is given to the mother. Devon and Rachel feel justified in their "drop and go" response

as mother. Abbey regrets that she did not do the same. The mother does not easily

accept being put on hold. She is much less forgiving when her behaviours do not

support her self as mother than when her behaviours do not support her self as

academic. Should one choose to place one's academic call above one's mother call, then one experiences the consequences.

One day I got a phone call that she (her daughter) had a headache, and I had to be in a very important meeting in about five minutes. And she said, "I need some Advil." And I'm thinking, "Well, I have to go." So, I told my assistant, "I have to go." She goes, "You can't go now, we have a meeting and it's important that you be there." Okay. I said, "Alright, alright." I said, "Hang on, hang on." I actually asked my secretary to go to the school and bring her some Advil. I wrote a note because as this wasn't her mother, giving her drugs, um, so I actually wrote a note to the school indicating that this person has my permission to give my daughter this Advil.... And then I was able to go to the meeting. But that was the only time that I was not able to leave right away to go get her .... 'Cause my head was not in the meeting. It was not in the meeting. And I'm thinking, "I should be going to school, giving her this Advil myself."

Upon receiving an urgent call from her daughter, Devon James' immediate inclination is to go to her. Like Abbey Schlosser, Devon has an academic commitment. This seems of little significance to Devon however, as she informs her secretary of her departure. Her secretary is less accommodating and stresses the importance of her call to academic. Devon is now in a place of having to make a decision. She is being called as both mother and academic. Her self as mother wants to respond immediately. She is told that she cannot. Abbey Schlosser experiences a similar dual call. Her responsibility as mother is somewhat met through the availability of her husband. Devon has no such option in this instance. The need to 63

answer the call as mother is great. Some sort of response must be given. The mother,

once called, must answer. She must, in some form, ensure a response to her child.

Devon's quick thinking leads her to send her secretary in her place. Though secretary

and mother are not the same, Devon hopes that her secretary can respond to the call as

mother in her stead.

Devon experiences the difference between carrying out a task as mother (i.e.

giving her daughter medication) and being there for her daughter as mother. The

giving of medication can be done by anyone. A school nurse, a friend, or a trusted

adult could respond to this need. Only, the need for medication is not the same as the

call to mother. Even though Devon's daughter's need for medication is met, Devon

feels a lacking in her response as mother. "I should be going to the school," she

believes. "I should be ... giving her this Advil myself." Devon feels a difference between it being her hand to aid her daughter and it being someone else's. She feels that she is not responding well to her call as mother in having someone else attend her

daughter. Something about her being the one there to see her daughter, to talk to her, to assure her, to treat her, is important to Devon's self as mother. This mothering need

is not met through the assistance of another. Just as a father cannot answer the call as mother, as Abbey realized, neither can one's secretary. There is a uniqueness that only the mother provides.

In choosing to respond in person to her call as academic over her call as mother, Devon experiences a similar sense of being "consumed" as mother as Abbey

Schlosser did. Devon finds that her "head (is) not in the meeting." Physically, Devon is present as academic; mentally and emotionally Devon thinks only of her daughter. It seems that when one chooses the call as academic over the call as mother, one is not fully able to be academic. One experiences distraction and a sort of obsession. The mother cannot be set aside. The mother does not fully give in to the needs of the academic. It is almost as if the mother says, "I may be here physically, but you don't have all of me!"

The self provides stability when different parts of it are being called. What prevents one aspect of the self from totally taking over the other parts? What helps hold the shape of all parts of the self when different aspects are being called upon?

What prevents a tear between one part of the self and another? Could it be that the self as a whole acts to maintain this shape? As the need to answer various calls of the self arises, the experience of the self seems to be one of, "push and pull," and perhaps,

"give and take."

Transcending Space

Being called as mother is not merely limited to spaces on campus for the woman who is an academic. The academic's job requires her to be academic outside of the campus setting. While I am only at work when physically at the workplace setting, the academic can be at work while away at a meeting, at home, or away at a conference. When I recollect the times in which my husband has accused me of speaking in my "work voice," it has only been during times when I have been in the space of my workplace. I have never been accused of using my work voice when anywhere other than my office or workspace. For the academic, the workspace is far larger than one, single office or one building. For them, the workspace may include another city or country. And while in these workspaces, the academic mother is not 65

free from the possibility of being called as mother. Both Val and Rachel were called as

mother while physically in their offices on campus. Devon James tells of a time when

she was far from her office and called as mother:

I was in Toronto all week at a conference. So while she's (her daughter) home with her father, that's not a problem, although he's very busy as well, so I had my cell phone on everyday while I'm in Toronto, in case she has to call me. Now her father's in town. But in case she had to call me, I had my cell phone on.

One day, I did check my cell phone and lo and behold I had a call from the school. My first thought was, "What happened?" There was a message from the school. I was not able to concentrate on what was happening in that academic session until I found out what was happening at the school. I left the session for three minutes to make the phone call to the school. And I'm thinking, "Why didn't they call her father? He's the one in town." They didn't realize I wasn't in town. So there wasn't a problem, but my first thought was, "Oh my gosh, she's in the hospital." K, once I found out what it was, and it was absolutely nothing, I went back into the conference. But I was not able to concentrate on my academic work until I found out what was happening, what that was about...

Even though I was in an academic setting, and I was there for academic purposes, and I knew that her father was going to take care of her, I still felt responsible ... as a mom. I still felt responsible. And I'm sure they realized that when they couldn't get a hold of me ... they can't get a hold of one parent, they get a hold of the other. And I'm sure the school realized that if they can't get a hold of me they got to call her father. But I still have to know. So the academic was just put aside for a few minutes until I could deal with my mother-stuff, and then I went back into the conference.

While in an academic session in a city and province other than her own, Devon is called by the Other, her daughter's school, and Devon finds that her ability to function as academic is impeded until she is able to know, as mother, that her daughter is safe. Devon speaks of something similar to Val's "sinking feeling" when she states that her first thought was, "What happened?" And, "Oh my gosh, she's in the 66 hospital." Immediately, when called by the Other who is associated with her child, there is a moment of fear and urgency.

Devon's ability to concentrate becomes an inability. As she states, she was,

"not able to concentrate on what was happening in the academic session until (she) found out what was happening at the school." Her academic session is interrupted as she leaves the setting to address this "call as mother." Though attending a conference as academic, Devon is only able to function as academic once her fears as mother have been resolved. In this case, Devon can only focus as academic once she can focus as mother. Though she became academic before having a child, Devon's ability to function as academic now depends upon her ability to be mother when called as mother. No longer can she just be academic. Now, her ability to be mother affects her ability to be academic.

Devon discusses putting "aside" the academic so that she "could deal with

(the) mother stuff." In a similar way, does Devon "put aside" her self as mother in order to attend her academic session? Can being mother be as easily "put aside" as being academic? It would not appear so, for even as Devon is away as academic, she has her cell phone on "everyday ... in case she (her daughter) has to call me." For

Devon, there appears to be a need to be accessible as mother no matter her current academic duties. The same is not true in the reverse. Devon instantly sets aside "the academic" when called as mother and she does not seem to "put aside" the mother when called as academic. The cell phone being on everyday seems symbolic of Devon being "on" as Mother everyday. Devon as academic is affected by being called as 67

mother. Devon as mother does not seem to be affected in the same way when called as

academic.

The fact that Devon keeps her cell phone on everyday is of even greater

interest when one considers that Devon's husband is at home with their daughter.

Even though Devon knows that Melanie's father is available to Melanie, Devon still

feels a need to be available to her daughter as mother. Just as Abbey Schlosser feels a need to be available as mother to her son in his emergency even though Abbey's husband is present, so too does Devon. Both women realize that an available father is not an available mother. Devon makes herself available to her daughter in the best way

she can, by keeping her cell phone on. Keeping the cell phone on everyday suggests that Devon is open to being called as mother. She does not want to avoid such calls, or delay such calls, or re-route such calls. She wants to receive them. She wants to be able to respond. Unlike me, who screens calls, ignores calls, and puts off answering and returning calls, the academic mother keeps her call line open. She is, "responsible as a mom." She is responsible to answer the calls when being called as mother, no matter where she is and with whom she is. I do not feel this same responsibility as a friend or co-worker or sister or daughter. The responsibility to respond seems to be ever-present for this mother. Attending an academic session does not mean, "Do not disturb" as mother. Devon still feels "responsible as a mom," and that she "still (has) to know." She still has to know what a mother should know in this situation. For

Devon, there is no desire to "block" the call that calls her as mother. Instead, she makes herself 100% available. 68

It is also interesting to note that the school does not call Melanie's father, but

rather, her mother. While the school is ignorant of Devon's absence, it is still curious

that in this case, the mother is the emergency contact. In fact, in each of the

descriptions given so far, the academic mother is the emergency contact. The daycare

and the school call the mother. Some of these women are married to academics as

well, and still, the academic mother is called. It is almost as if it does not matter what

the mother is doing or where she is. It does not matter that the mother is an academic,

away at a session. It does not matter that she is about to teach a class or that she is in a

meeting with a student. These things do not matter when the mother needs to be

called.

The responsibility as mother transcends Devon's academic working space.

While Devon's academic space is not limited to a particular geography, neither is her

responsibility as mother. And no matter where Devon is academic, once called as

mother, the academics are set aside until the mothering urgencies are calmed. I wonder

if, while making her phone call, Devon still feels responsible as academic? Something

in her description tells me that if she does, it feels much less urgent, for Devon does

not hesitate in that moment to leave her session and her academic responsibilities behind. Meetings are stopped, conversations are put on hold, sessions are interrupted,

all because of a call from the Other.

It appears that, no matter where she is, the academic mother cannot choose to

ignore a phone call when called by the Other that represents her child. The academic mother does not seem to have the freedom to delay her response when being called as mother. As I have ignored many phone calls and delayed many responses when I have 69

been called as friend or daughter or co-worker, the academic mother does not delay in

her response as mother, no matter her setting. She feels "responsible" as mother.

Being called as mother creates an urgency within to which the academic mother must

respond immediately. She cannot carry on as academic unless she does so.

This is not to say that one does not make an attempt to avoid being called as

mother. There are times when one's academic work is particularly pressing and being

called as mother is not convenient. How might the academic mother respond when

receiving a call in such a circumstance? How is she as academic affected at that time?

How is she as mother impacted? Can she allow a machine to take her calls? Can she

display a, "Do Not Disturb" sign to her family? Can she request that all calls be re­

routed, as she is striving to complete her homework? Not only does the academic's

work take her to different cities, provinces, and countries, but it often comes home

with her. How is the academic mother's experience affected when at home, attempting to complete academic work, and called as mother?

Called By Blood

I was teaching two courses .... There were 300 students in each class. And dumbass me, I had a written midterm. I had a written part on all my midterms. So I would make sure that the midterm was on a Thursday so that I had till Tuesday to hand it back.

Well, he was two and we had just moved into our new house. And I had this fabulous office in the basement.... So I had an office in the basement and I told him when he was two he had to be bleeding before he could bother me. I had to finish these papers. He took a red magic marker 'cause he wanted to see, and coloured his hands all over and said, "Mommy bleeding." And so I let him in. So I set him up with a little Fischer Price table. And let him mark his own papers. Gave him a red marker so he could mark his own papers.

Then something distracted me and I had to leave the office and he's sitting at his table. I come back, and he says, "Look Mommy, graded." He had started 70

grading my papers. Red marker all over.

Val Jeffries is in a state of urgency. She has 600 written mid-terms to mark and

only an extended weekend in which to accomplish this. She is at work at home,

attempting to complete this feat. Unlike the previous mom's descriptions of being in a

state of urgency because they are called as mother, Val's state is brought on because

she is called as academic. The sense of dread and emergency that Val conveys is not

regarding her child. It is not because her child calls her; rather, it is because her work

calls her. Val is called as academic to perform the weekend's task. The emotional state

is similar. The cause is quite different.

When describing being called as mother while they are at work, the previous

mothers express responding to their child's calls as a necessity: "I just have to check,"

"I need to take this call," "I still have to know," "I have to deal with this now," "I have to take this." I have to. There is no questioning. There is no weighing of one's options.

In Val's description, she feels a sense of duty towards her marking, "I had to finish these papers." She must respond to being called as academic.

Val uses a term that the previous mothers do not use in their descriptions. She describes being called as mother while she is attempting to complete her academic work as a "bother." Her son would have to be bleeding before he could "bother" her.

He would have to be bleeding before he could interrupt or annoy her. This sense of intrusion is conveyed in only one other mother's description. When Yvonne Yao describes receiving an academic-related phone call at home, she is "irritated." The call is an interruption, and it is not welcomed. 71

Unlike the academic mothers at work who can check their Call Display and answer accordingly, Val Jeffries has no such technology to help her. She is at home, in her child's presence. To ignore a phone call is much less of an interruption than to try to keep one's child from interrupting. Val attempts to ward off any calls as mother.

She attempts to post a "Do Not Disturb" sign for her family to see. She would prefer to not be called as mother at this time. Being called as academic is demanding at this time. She cannot envision answering more than it, unless, like the other mothers, it is an emergency.

Val tells her two-year-old that, "he had to be bleeding before he could bother me." Bleeding. It is only through the presence of blood that, at this time, being called as mother would supersede being called as academic. When one envisions a child approaching his mother, bleeding, one may imagine a child with a cut, a bloody nose, a broken limb. These are all pictures of a child having been harmed. These are images of what would constitute an emergency.

The word emergency originates from the French word emerger, meaning to rise out or up (http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=emergency& searchmode=none). The only way in which Val is going to "rise out" of her academic work is if her son is in an emergency. He has to be in a "state that calls for immediate action" in order for her to heed the call as mother (www.merriam-webster.com/ dictionary/emergency). The need, on her son's behalf, has to be great, and grave indeed. An effective way in which Val conveys this drastic sense to her two-year-old son is by telling him that, "he ha(s) to be bleeding." And her son understands. 72

Val is called by blood in two fashions. First, the red marker on her son's hands

represent the blood needed in order for Val, as mother, to respond. Second, her son is

her blood. He is her kin, her descendent, her relation. As mother and son, they share

blood. One may say they are of the same blood. The blood, her son, calls Val, as

mother. He is the necessary condition for Val to respond.

Really, there is little difference between Val's approach to being called as mother while at work and the other mothers' approaches. Each and every mother is

open to being called as mother if an emergency exists. Otherwise, the need to

immediately respond is not there. The sense of urgency is not present. The Caller can wait.

Val makes it clear that the circumstance has to be critical in order for her to respond as mother. Her son responds in a way that conveys this message, by using red marker all over his hands. Is it an emergency? A real emergency? Not in a physical

sense. Yet her son's message is clear, "Mom, I'm calling you. Please answer." Just as

Madeline Cote knows the "real message" of her husband's phone call, so too does Val as mother recognize that she is being called. Val is called as mother, and like the other mothers, her only action is to respond. The son's only emergency is that he desperately wants to be with his mother. He begins to grade her papers for her in the hopes of hurrying her academic process so that she can be mother to him again. He desires that she "rise out" of her 600 papers and surface as his mother. Val senses the deep desire of this call, and even though the 600 papers are calling, she must answer her call as mother first. 73

For the academic who is mother and wife, it is not always clear on the surface

when she is being called. She may have to read the red marker on her child's hands or

sense the tone in her husband's voice before she realizes that the situation is an

"emergency." While the name of her child's school or daycare flags an immediate

response, sometimes the situation must be assessed through other means. Sometimes

there is no name. Sometimes there is no clear request. And yet, she recognizes the call

nonetheless. The mother and wife know when she is being called.

"I Knew"

Ya, and I knew that if he called, he tried to make it sort of, "Well I'm kinda not feeling that well." He didn't, "I need you here right now!" But I knew that since he was calling me that probably the real message was, "Please come home." So I did. I came home from work. I don't think I had to cancel anything. I just told them, "That was it," and shut 'er down and came home.

Madeline Cote is in her office at university while her husband is at home with their children. His call to her is not one that conveys a sense of emergency or dread. It

is a more subtle suggestion, "I'm kinda not feeling that well." Kinda. Just sort of. A

little. Don't take this too seriously. At least, that is what her husband's message says on the surface. Something about receiving a call from her husband while working at the university tells Madeline that she is needed as wife and mother. Though her husband's words are of a less urgent tone, the message Madeline hears is, "Please come home."

Madeline expresses having a sense of knowing. She knows her husband's "real message." Her husband's words are anything but direct; yet, Madeline, as wife and mother, is able to directly perceive. She deciphers the "real message." And what is this 74

"real message?" She knows, as wife and mother, that she is being called as wife and mother. The wife and mother recognize the call, and she responds.

Madeline has received the call, and like the other mothers previously described, she "shut 'er down and came home." This call is not a bother. This call is not an interruption. She is needed as mother and wife and her response is immediate and decisive.

Does the woman who is academic, mother, and wife respond similarly when she is called by someone other than her child or spouse? How does the academic woman respond when she is called by her work? Is the same level of urgency present?

Is the same need to be available felt? Must she put aside some part of her self in order to address the needs of the Caller when the Caller is not family-related? Are there differing degrees of Caller importance to the woman who is academic, mother, and wife? How else might such a women be called and how does her response tell us more of her experience?

Interruption

I was more irritated than anything. It was my graduation and all my relatives were arriving. And I was Course Coordinator. And another person called me about a problem and I said, "It's eight o'clock at night...." And they're coming from Ontario, and they're all arriving, and it was nice to see them. And convocation was the next day. And she was complaining about some sort of student she had and I said, "You know I really can't deal with this now. I have relatives here. And I can't deal with this. I can't listen to you. I can't be present to you." And then she was so angry with me that I didn't have time for her. And I was angry at her for being angry at me.

Later on in life, to get an answering machine, that was so nice. We didn't have an answering machine. You took them all. Never again. Technology does work. 75

Irritated. Angry. Complaining. What does Yvonne Yao's language convey

about her thoughts and feelings of receiving an academic-related call when she is at

home? Yvonne is preparing for her own graduation. Her family and relatives are

arriving. One can imagine the scene. In fact, the way in which Yvonne describes it

creates a sense of excitement. She barely finishes one thought before she describes the next. Things are happening at a quickened pace. The house is alive. And then her phone rings. Amidst the bustle of her newly arrived guests, Yvonne answers the phone. It is an instructor, calling to complain about a student. Yvonne notes the time

of the call to further support her belief that the call is inappropriate. This Caller

irritates her. She is angry at the Caller's expectations and demands. Yvonne is at home and she does not welcome being called as academic.

Quickly, she draws a boundary. What is appropriate? What is not? What is a reasonable expectation, given where she is and what she is doing? The Caller is not respecting these boundaries. Yvonne chooses to draw a firm boundary, one that the

Caller will understand, "... I can't deal with this. I can't listen to you. I can't be present to you." Yvonne cannot deal with the issue as academic right now. She cannot listen as academic. She cannot be present as academic. This language suggests that she does not feel connected to this part of her self at this time. It suggests that she does not desire to establish this connection. She does not wish to connect to her self as academic. To do so would be to interfere with the part to which she is currently connected. It is for this reason that the call is an interruption. It is an interruption in her connection to a certain part of her self. And it is a call to connect to a different part, a part to which Yvonne has no desire to connect. Both the Called and the Caller end the 76

phone call feeling angry. The Called feels interrupted and disrespected. The Caller

perhaps feels ignored.

When in her home and called as academic, Yvonne does not experience a

sense of urgency. There is no immediate sense of dread. Unlike Rachel Evans who

receives a call from her daughter while at work, Yvonne does not say, "I need to take

this call." She does not think, "Oh my gosh, what happened?" Rather, Yvonne seems

to be perturbed to have been called at home at all. She is irritated by the phone call. To

her, it is an intrusion. It is an interruption in being who she is at that time.

How different is this description than those of the women who receive phone

calls from their children while at work? The women's responses in those scenarios are

of immediate concern, care, a need to act, and a sense of responsibility. When called as mother while academic, there are no descriptions of irritation. Yes, the phone call may not be an emergency, and when that is the case, the academic mother deals with the situation briefly and carries on with her task. The sense of annoyance that Yvonne conveys as a result of receiving her academic phone call while at home is of a completely different realm. There is a sense of trespassing, a sense of having been disturbed. Never did any of these women describe receiving a phone call at work about her child in such a way. To receive a call about her child while conducting academic work is to be called as mother and the mother responds. To be called as academic when at home as mother and wife elicits a completely different response.

I'll tell you one time, I remember, he was, and it was like a big lecture theatre, and he was sitting in the front, and he was drawing pictures and stuff, and he interrupted and put his hand up (laughs), "Okay, do you have a question?" "How do you spell bears" or something? He was drawing pictures about bears in the woods or something. "How do you spell bears?" I told him how to spell 77

bears. The class laughed. Ya, they laughed. They thought that was funny. He went back to work and finished drawing his pictures.

Madeline Cote's son, Morgan, has accompanied her to class this day. He sits in the front row while Madeline instructs her university course. At one point, Morgan raises his hand. Not only does he raise his hand, but he, "interrupt(s)." Madeline, in the midst of her lecture, experiences being called. To be called by her son during her

lecture is an interruption. The instructor notices the raised hand. The instructor notices that the hand belongs to her son. It matters not where she is in her lecture. It matters not if she is mid-sentence. Her son's hand is calling her. Madeline allows the interruption. How else will she know if her son is in immediate need of her? How else will she know if this is an emergency? She must answer.

Her son's question is trivial. His question does not indicate that he is in a crisis and that Madeline must enter "crisis mode." The question is simple. Madeline laughs as she tells of this experience. It is funny and pleasant to recall. She finds amusement in the experience and in the retelling of it. The class, too, enjoys the experience. No one seems annoyed at the interruption. No one seems perturbed by Morgan's interference in their class. Madeline addresses her son's request and the class resumes.

Both Yvonne Yao and Madeline Cote tell experiences in which they are interrupted. Unlike the call to the academic self of which Yvonne speaks, the call to the mother self that Madeline describes is one that does not create feelings of disdain.

She remembers it and retells it with pleasure. She remembers not being the only one who found amusement in the occasion. The event is positive to remember. Yvonne Yao experiences her call as an annoyance. She tells of the experience with a sense of irritation in her voice. She reconnects with the disapproval that she felt that day.

Both women experience interruption. In fact, each woman described in this chapter experiences interruption. The difference is in how the interruption, the call, is perceived, received, and understood. This difference seems to lie within the details of who the Caller is and how the woman is being called. Even though Madeline Cote's call from her son is not an emergency, there is no sense of annoyance when she tells her experience. In fact, there is pleasure. There is no sense of having been interrupted even though she uses the term. It is only when Yvonne Yao describes her call that such a sense is conveyed and felt.

Both Madeline Cote and her class receive her call as mother in good humour.

Not only does she laugh while she describes the experience, but, "The class laughed.

Ya, they laughed. They thought it was funny." Is one's call to mother always received in such light? To call the academic while she is in mid-task is to interrupt more than the academic. It interrupts the student, and/or class, and/or colleague as well. Thus far, the descriptions of these women have shown an understanding and patient response on behalf of the party. How might the experience be altered when the call is received in annoyance, not by the mother, but by the others with whom it causes an interruption?

I always had a cell phone with me. My students in (Calgary), obviously they knew when I was coming down, they knew that I had children. There was one day, in all the years that I taught there—I taught there eight years—in all those years there was only one day when my cell phone rang during class. And I was so startled that it took me a minute to realize it was my cell phone. We all just kind of jumped and looked around and I looked around, and then I realized it was my cell phone, and I thought, "Oh my god, what's happened?" 79

So I said, "Excuse me" to the class. I answered the phone and it was my older daughter. It was quite trivial. She wasn't feeling all that well and so she was calling me to say she thought she'd ... go to daycare after school instead of going to choir and she wanted to know if that was okay. So I said, "Fine," and checked with her that she was okay to do that. And she said, "Yes." And actually I think she wasn't all that sick, I think she was just not feeling like going to choir. So the phone call took about 45 seconds, maybe a minute at most. I said, "Excuse me" to the class. I turned my back, answered the phone, dealt with it, and then turned back—most of the class looked concerned—and I said, "It was fine. It was nothing important." And resumed class. So that was the end of it.

That semester at the end of term IDQs, one student wrote on my evaluation, "The cell phone, lose it." And if I knew who wrote that, I thought, "These people are going to be teachers and they have no consideration for a child who is (300) km away from her mother to ask her a question. I was so, I just felt so bad that there was somebody who was going to be a teacher who had that little empathy for a child. I was just very, I mean I was furious. But also so sad that this, and of course, because it was the IDQs, I had no opportunity to talk to the person and say, "Could you think about this a little bit?" So that stayed with me .... So we get lots of students who have children, and I make accommodations very happily for them. So to see that someone was so unwilling to make 45 seconds worth of accommodations. It's disgraceful. It does remind you that it is an unforgiving world sometimes.

Just as the previous women's descriptions express, Mia Cameron's initial response to the ringing of her cell phone is one of panic. Her first thought is one of dread. She carries her cell phone with her "always." She, like Devon James, wants to be within reach of her children at all times. She wants to be available. She wants to be able to be called, should they need her. She always wants to be available to respond to the call as mother.

The process of assessing occurs next. Mia answers the call and quickly determines how deeply her child is in "crisis mode." She learns that the situation is not an emergency and that her child can take care of herself. This interaction is brief, though long enough for Mia as mother to know that she can continue as academic and 80

be responsible as mother. Only when this assurance is gained can Mia resume her

class.

Mia senses only concern from her class. She sees it in their faces. It is only at the end of the semester that she receives feedback that tells her otherwise. Someone in

her class is annoyed with the interruption. Someone is irritated. Mia is taken a-back by the feedback. Her feelings are a mixture of anger and sadness. There is no moment in which Mia feels the student's feedback is legitimate, for to respond as mother when called as mother is a given. Mia is astounded at the student's lack of understanding of this. She wonders at this student's lack of understanding. The fact that the class is filled with many parents causes further confusion and irritation on Mia's behalf. She cannot comprehend how a parent could possibly not extend compassion in this

situation. To Mia, being a parent and a future teacher should suggest that one shares this view. A parent (possibly) and a future teacher should know that one cannot control the Caller and that one does not have a say in the Caller's timing.

This student, it seems, believes that shutting down the possibility of receiving a call is the proper thing to do when teaching a class. It would appear that the student believes there are times when the academic who is mother should not make herself available as mother; that there are times when being mother and academic should be completely separated. This student may assert that her professor, who is also mother, should use the features on her phone that are available in order to re-route or block a call so as to avoid interruption. To this student, it would seem that being open to being called as mother is not appropriate at all times. There should be a distinct line between 81

the times when one is mother and the times when one is academic. Never should they

overlap.

According to the women's descriptions reviewed thus far and the

understanding gained thereof, it would seem that such an expectation is not only

unrealistic but inaccurate. To be mother is to be open to being called as mother. It

matters not the time, the place, or the people involved. The irritation Mia feels towards

her student's "unforgiving" perception of this is well-warranted, for to be in agreement

is to not understand being mother.

The academic mother responds to the call from (or about) her child out of a

sense of emergency. When she is able to assess that things are not in "crisis mode,"

she is able to carry on with her academic duties. Just as Madeline and Mia resume

their lectures, so too does the academic woman resume her task when she realizes that

the call is not one that requires urgent care. She continues her task without feeling

disturbed by the Caller or by having been called. Her understanding of the experience

is not one coloured by irritation. Rather, she may think little of it or be amused by it.

It seems that the very sight of the phone number of her child, or of the child's

daycare or school, sends the mother into, "Oh god, I better answer" mode. This sense

of emergency increases when the mother hears her name, "And then I hear, and it always freaks me out because I hear, "Hi Rachel... it's the daycare . . . . " With

Yvonne, being called at home by a colleague does not stir such feelings of panic.

Yvonne does not feel a sudden need to attend to the Caller. She assesses the Caller's

situation as not being an emergency and is irritated by the interruption. 82

Rachel Evans' ability to assess her incoming calls is limited by the fact that her cell phone does not have Call Display. She therefore feels the need to answer every call, for fear of missing being called, and answering, as mother. Rachel does not want to risk the chance of ever missing being called as mother. She answers every cell phone call to ensure that her children are well. She must be available as mother at all times.

For Yvonne Yao, gaining an answering machine to answer her calls while at home is a welcomed technological change. No longer does she have to answer every call just to see who is calling and how she is being called. With the acquisition of the answering machine, she no longer has to, "(take) them all." And, "that was so nice."

There is relief in not having to answer every call. Yvonne does not have to be available as an academic at all times. She does not need to answer every phone call to ensure all is well with work. She can use a machine to keep her from being disturbed while at home. It is a welcomed change. And it is an obvious difference between the need one feels to answer a call when academic versus when mother and wife.

When Devon James receives a call as academic, the situation is more pressing.

Unlike Yvonne Yao, who assesses that her colleague's circumstance is not an emergency, Devon's call is of a more urgent nature. What is it like for Devon to receive a call as academic when she intends to focus as mother? How does this call impact her experience as mother and wife? 83

I wanted to be home for a year. And I thought that I would fit for maternity benefits but at that time, no. Now you do. Because I hadn't gone through the pregnancy, so it wasn't the same. I thought, "I'm still looking after, I still have a baby at home." So no. And, I was able to do that because my husband was working. And we had no mortgage. So we didn't spend a lot but it was okay. It was okay. And I got a certain amount of pay for most of the year so it worked out.

And then however, during that first year, they called me to teach one of my courses that I used to teach because they couldn't find anyone to replace me. And I said, "Well," and it was an intensive course, six weeks. And I said, "Well, I'll think about it." So, I talked it over with my husband. I said, "Now we're going to need a babysitter." So I thought, well, so then I started looking for a babysitter. And it was going to be temporary, it was like six weeks. And I said I would do it but I was only going to show up for my class. I wasn't going to be here all day. I was only going to show up for, I think it was, a morning class, just for the morning. And then I wasn't going to go to any meetings. I wasn't going to go to any department meetings. I would just teach, meet with the students before and after the class, and I would do just that. Of course, what were they going to say? They were stuck? So they said, "Yup, no problem, no problem. As long as we've got somebody in the classroom."

So we did that, and I managed to find a, I did find a babysitter, and it was tough leaving her .... It was tough. Here I had a baby. Literally a baby. She's not one. A baby. And I'm leaving this person with somebody I don't really know. But this person I left her with had children and her mother worked at the church. And her mother herself had seven or eight children. So I knew she'd be well looked after. So it was packing up all this stuff in the morning to bring her there. So I would have to bring her there, and go, and I would be back by noon. And it was only for six weeks.

Devon's intention as mother is to be at home with her newborn for one year.

She and her husband have discussed this and have made the decision. They, together, consider their finances and choose for Devon to be home. They believe this would be best. And then Devon receives a call. She is called as academic. She is called as academic when she and her spouse have decided that she is to be mother at home for one year. Again, when called, one does not have control over who the Caller is and when the Caller calls. As the Called, one is at the mercy of the Caller. 84

The situation is an emergency. No, Devon's child does not need immediate help; rather, her university does. They need her as academic. And they call. What happens to the plans that Devon and her husband have made for the coming year?

How is her experience as mother impacted because of this call to academia? Devon's plans are interrupted. She finds herself trying to accommodate her work. She now needs a babysitter. She now needs to organize her daily schedule around work and family. She finds herself struggling to leave her baby. Her mornings are now a juggling act of packing for her child, preparing for work, and doing the "drop off."

How does this happen? Devon is called. It is an emergency, and she responds.

Just as Yvonne Yao draws clear boundaries when called by her colleague, so too does Devon James. Her program may be in a state of urgency, and Devon is not about to sacrifice being mother any more than she must. Devon is firm. She is going to be available as academic in a limited version. She will attend class. She will meet with her students. There will be no extras. She will not attend meetings, keep long hours, and be on campus all day, as a regular academic would. She will, "just teach." Why the need for these somewhat drastic and irregular boundaries? Devon is being called to sacrifice being mother, and she is only willing to do so for a limited time and in a limited way, and only if she feels assured that she is still being "responsible as a mom." Being mother at this time is too important to Devon. It is more important than being academic.

With the previous mothers' descriptions of being called by their children in an emergency, there is no sense of boundary making with their children. In fact, it seems that meeting the needs of their children is boundary-less. Whatever the mother is 85 needed for at that time, she will do. Should she suddenly have to go to the school? She will go. Should she have to postpone an appointment? She will do so. Should she have to interrupt her marking to make room for her child? She will. There appear to be no boundaries around what the academic mother will do for her child when her child is in urgent need of her. Her willingness to draw boundaries around her work, to accommodate her child, is evident. She does not hesitate to draw boundaries around her self as academic when her child needs her.

In contrast, when called as academic, boundaries are quickly and decisively drawn around the obligations of academic. The boundaries are clear. When called as academic, away from mother, boundaries abound. It seems that one aspect of her self warrants more protection than another. Perhaps one aspect of her self is of greater value? Perhaps she treasures one part greater? It is almost as if one fabric of her self warrants greater care and greater attention.

I peruse the different clothes in my closet and their care instructions: "wash inside out," "hang wash," "hang to dry," "dry clean only," "line dry," "hand wash separately," "tumble dry low," "do not bleach." I am particularly surprised to see the following instructions on one item of clothing, "do not wash." What does this mean?

Does this mean that the fabric from which this item is made cannot stand up to any cleaning process? Is it this sensitive?

The Laundry Guide to Common Care Symbols states, "Care labels provide helpful information that can save you time and money" (www.textileaffairs.com

/lguide). Adhering to one's fabric instructions means, "longer-wearing apparel." To care for one's fabrics properly is to prolong their use, to manage one's time, and to 86

better handle one's money. I have lost sweaters in the washing process because I have

not respected the fabric of which they were made and the specific ways in which I was

to care for them. Different fabrics require different care. Some fabrics can handle the

heat of an iron while others cannot. Some are durable enough to keep their shape when

in a washing machine. Others are not. To not acknowledge one's fabrics as different

and therefore as requiring different care is to lose and to destroy.

Might this apply to the woman who is academic, mother, and wife? Could it be

that her self consists of various fabrics and that each fabric has its own "care

instructions?" Can the "academic fabric" tolerate less care than the "mother fabric?" Is

the academic fabric more flexible and the mother fabric more sensitive? The self

protects its fabrics. It gives strength to those fabrics that need it. It provides structure

and form. It supports. It seems that the woman who is academic, mother, and wife

knows what these fabrics of her self can handle. She is familiar with their care needs.

She knows when she can sacrifice one for the other. She knows when one must be

attended to and cared for. She is aware of a difference within her self and her actions

speak of this understanding.

How are one's experiences affected when the line between academic and

mother is not so clearly understood? While meeting with a student in the silence of her office, it may be plain that the academic woman does not have to currently meet the demands of being mother. While at home peacefully with relatives and family, it may be apparent that one's academic demands are not being attended to. What about those

situations in which the boundary is less discernable? What is one's experience when 87 the context of one's space is more complicated, and the relationships one has within

the space are varied? What is the woman's experience then?

The Name That Makes You

Well the teacher introduced me. You know, that I was Morgan's mom .... She started with, I was Morgan's mom. So maybe that set the stage? That's what I was. The first thing I was, was Morgan's mom and the second thing I was, was that I work at the university and I teach and do research about (fungi) and I had come to share some of what I know about (fungi) with the class. So that's how she introduced me as I recall.

I think once I started talking about things I felt more academic, more like a scientist. I was trying to teach them about science, how you do it and what not. But then I turn around and see my own son going (waving motion), "Okay, Morgan." It's his question or whatever. So then I sort of turn around and see that face and go, "Okay." Maybe sort of like being pulled back. You're sort of wavering back and forth between how much of you is an academic and how much of you is a mom, then you sort of drift more towards the academic and you get pulled back into the mom role .... Or some kid goes, "Morgan's mom! Morgan's mom!"

From listening to Madeline Cote's account, it would seem that the lines between being mother and being academic are not always clearly felt. Madeline is visiting her son's class and is teaching them about her specialty. She is teaching a

class of which her son is a member. She is academic. She is also presently mother.

Does her son perceive her as his mother or as his guest teacher that day? Perhaps he views her as both? Perhaps his view changes from moment to moment?

Madeline is engaged in the act of teaching, just as she is daily in front of a class of university students. Her behaviour is the same, though the depth of knowledge that she conveys most likely differs. Even though she is occupied in a task with which she is very familiar, this particular day's experience is different. What is it that creates this difference in her experience? 88

Her son's teacher introduces her as, "Morgan's mom." According to Madeline,

this "set(s) the stage." She is called by a particular name. It is this name through which

the students will initially make sense of her.

Gilbert Blythe wasn't used to putting himself out to make a girl look at him and meeting with failure. She SHOULD look at him, that red-haired Shirley girl with the little pointed chin and the big eyes that weren't like the eyes of any other girl in Avonlea school. Gilbert reached across the aisle, picked up the end of Anne's long red braid, held it out at arm's length and said in a piercing whisper, "Carrots! Carrots!"

Then Anne looked at him with a vengeance! She did more than look. She sprang to her feet, her bright fancies fallen into cureless ruin. She flashed one indignant glance at Gilbert from eyes whose angry sparkle was swiftly quenched in equally angry tears. "You mean, hateful boy," she exclaimed passionately! "How dare you!" And then - thwack! Anne had brought her slate down on Gilbert's head and cracked it—slate not head—clear across ....

Mr. Phillips stalked down the aisle and laid his hand heavily on Anne's shoulder. "Anne Shirley, what does this mean," he said angrily? Anne returned no answer. It was asking too much of flesh and blood to expect her to tell before the whole school that she had been called "carrots."

... As for Gilbert Blythe, she would not even look at him. She would NEVER look at him again! She would never speak to him!!

For the first two books in this classic series, Anne of Green Gables, Anne

Shirley does not give Gilbert Blythe any attention whatsoever. She refuses to

acknowledge him or talk to him, and she definitely refuses to be friends with him. As

she tells her friend, Diana Barry, "I shall never forgive Gilbert Blythe ... the iron has

entered into my soul." From where does this anger stem? What "iron" has entered into her? Gilbert Blythe calls Anne by a name that she detests. He calls attention to a

feature about which Anne is most self-conscious. He associates this unloved feature with who Anne is. To be called and to be known as "Carrots" is exasperating. Anne is a new student at this school, and the thought of being known by a name that she hates 89 gives her eyes an "angry sparkle" and fills them with "angry tears." She does not want to be known in this way. She does not want to be perceived in this manner. Is who she is to be limited by the colour of her hair? The very idea vexes her.

I remember my first day of high school. I am nervous. The school is so big and unfamiliar. The hallways seem to go everywhere. Unknown faces are everywhere. And then I see my older brother, standing with his friends. Finally, a face I recognize! Someone I know! I slowly approach my brother, as I've never interacted with him in this context before. I see his friends notice me and one of them says, "You must be Geoff s sister!"

For the next four years of my life, every time one of my brother's friends spots me I hear the greeting, "Hi, Geoff s sister!"

Being "Geoff s sister" provides a context for my brother's friends that helps them make sense of who I am. They do not really seem interested to know that I have my own name, one that is not associated with my brother's. They do not seem interested to know that I am unique and separate from him. Yes, we look the same. It is this similarity that gives me this name. This becomes the way in which I am known.

I am, "Geoff s sister." Not Danielle. Not Allen and Gina's daughter. Not the girl in grade nine with brown hair who is on the basketball team. Not the girl whose locker is a few rows down the hall. Who I am, how I am perceived, and how my brother's friends understand me is based on the name that they give me.

Your child calls you mom, but it's also like the friends of your kid refer to you as your child's mother. So that becomes your identity .... It's partly as being referred to, and you sort of see yourself that way. I see myself as a professor because students call me Doctor and that's what I do. I see myself, it's true, it's partly in relation to others and what you're called. But you see yourself as a mother. But it's also in the classroom when you're with little kids like that. There's an immediacy. And so they'll call me, "Jenny's mother." So I walk into the class and everybody says, well she's in immersion, "Bonjour Mademoiselle." So they don't call me Doctor, they don't call me professor. I'm not thinking I'm Professor Anybody. 90

Abbey Schlosser knows the connection between how one is named and therefore called, and how one perceives herself. She, like Madeline Cote, visits her

child's class. Unlike Madeline's experience, there is no moment in which Abbey feels,

"I'm Professor Anybody." This moment does not exist for her because it is not how

she is called. She is a professor, only, it is not on this part of her self that she is

currently focusing. The students recognize her as the mother of their classmate and they refer to her in this way. Calling her in this manner calls this part of her self to

come forth. It comes forward and rises above the others. When in front of her university class and being called "Doctor," Abbey as academic comes forward.

Through name, they call a particular part of the self and that particular part hears and responds.

There is great power in the names that one is given. Fortunately, I do not mind being called, "Geoff s sister," as I look up to him. It is a privilege to be associated with him and to be thought of being, in some way, similar to him. The name speaks of a way of being perceived that I am proud to bear. William Shakespeare states, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." And yet, one has to wonder.

". .. My father's name was Walter Shirley, and he was a teacher in the Bolingbroke High School. My mother's name was Bertha Shirley. Aren't Walter and Bertha lovely names? I'm so glad my parents had nice names. It would be a real disgrace to have a father named—well, say Jedediah, wouldn't it?"

"I guess it doesn't matter what a person's name is as long as he behaves himself," said Marilla, feeling herself called upon to inculcate a good and useful moral. "Well, I don't know." Anne looked thoughtful. "I read in a book once that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but I've never been able to believe it. I don't believe a rose WOULD be as nice if 91

it was called a thistle or a skunk cabbage. I suppose my father could have been a good man even if he had been called Jedediah; but I'm sure it would have been a cross."

To Anne, to be named poorly is to have the burden of bearing a cross. Would her father have been a good man no matter his name? Anne supposes that he would have been. Yet, something in his experience would have been different. According to

Anne, his name, had it been Jedediah, would have brought him grief or trial. Her father's name had the power of affecting his experience. Luckily, for both Anne's father and myself, the names we were given were nothing of which to be ashamed.

Had the name by which my brother's friends called me been different, my high school experience could have also been drastically different. Yes, I would have been the same girl, though one wonders how long one can endure an unfortunate name without it affecting who she is. In the realm of social psychology, one acknowledges the power that others' views have on the individual. One does not underestimate the "self- fulfilling prophecy." That is, the tendency that one becomes what others expect and communicate to oneself (Merton, 1948). How one is named may affect how others speak to and view oneself. If others believe the name to be noble, then their behaviour may reflect such a belief. If however, the name is one of which they are ashamed, then this shame may be communicated and one's own experience of his or her name may be affected. One's name is closely tied to one's self and it can therefore have great influence on one's experience. Thus, the connection between one's name and who one is may be greater than what Shakespeare once considered.

Madeline Cote and Abbey Schlosser are introduced to their children's classes by association to their child. They are not introduced as Dr. Cote and Dr. Schlosser; rather they are introduced as, "mom." There are many names by which these women could have been called. In this context, to make these women more familiar to those to whom they are mostly strange, they are related to their child with whom the class is familiar. The stage is set for Madeline and Abbey to be understood as mother,

Morgan's mom and Jenny's mom, respectively. The names provide the classes with a way to call them. Mother becomes the part of the self to which they focus. It is who they are, first, at least to this crowd.

The Face That Pulls You Back

And then, Madeline's purpose for being in her son's class seems to call her towards a different part of her self. Once Madeline begins to talk about her research and her specialty, she, "(feels) more academic, more like a scientist." Through teaching, Madeline's feelings connect her to her self as academic. She begins to speak academic terminology. She begins to share her academic knowledge. Through this, she connects to being academic. On the outside, to the class, she is perceived as

Morgan's mom. This outside is then connected to another part of the fabric within her.

Only this sense of connection does not persist for long. Something causes an interruption—the face of her son, Morgan. Madeline is called by her son, waving his hand. She turns around and sees, "that face," that face that calls her as mother.

"I could tell by your face that you were angry." "I knew by your face that I was in trouble." "Read my face!" These are all phrases used to convey the knowledge that a face gives a message. The face is a source of communication. It may not literally speak something through the making of a sound; however, a face can say much. When counselling individuals who are struggling with their awareness of their emotions, 93

psychologists may use a piece a paper on which there are numerous facial expressions.

Under each illustration is the name of the emotion that the face is conveying. Often, it

is by recognizing the facial expression that the client becomes more aware of his or

her own feelings.

In seeing Morgan's face, Madeline notices a sense of, "being pulled back." To

what is she being pulled back? Madeline's experience begins by being introduced as

mother. She then feels "more academic" once she begins talking. Next, she sees her

son's face. This pulls her back from her feelings of academic towards her self as

mother. Madeline describes her experience that day as, "wavering back and forth" and

"drift(ing)."

Mom and I are driving along the lakeside and I'm watching a sailboat as it charges across the water, towards the rocky shore. The sailboat seems to be coming quite close to the rocks and I wonder when its sailor will steer it away. Suddenly, I see the sailor spring into action. He jumps from one side of his boat to another, pulling lines to reposition the boom and sails. He leaps about his boat quickly and forcefully. Then, almost just as suddenly, the boat changes direction and is now parallel to the rocks. It seems to almost stand there a moment, not finding its direction. The wind pushes it as it rocks back and forth. I sense a slight panic within me as I wonder if the boat is going to stay upright. Then, just as quickly, the sails fill with the blowing air and the boat takes off across the water once again, away from the shore.

There is a moment of panic as I watch the boat stand still, swaying from one

side to another. It is no longer moving forward. In that moment, the direction of the boat is unknown. It is being hit by the wind on its side and it looks unsteady. To waver is, "to weave or sway unsteadily to and fro" (http://www.merriam-webster.com

/dictionary/waver). It is, "to vacillate irresolutely between two choices." Just as the boat wavers between heading with the wind or against it, Madeline Cote senses a wavering within herself when she sees her son's face calling her. She has gone from 94 mother to academic, and is being called as mother once again. She answers the call,

drifting to her self as mother. Then, she begins to talk to the class again, swaying her to academic. This lasts only until she is called once again, "Morgan's mom! Morgan's

mom!" She is pulled back again.

Mother and academic seem to be in a bit of a tug-of-war. Her son and the

teacher's introduction pull her one way, and teaching pulls her another. When called,

each woman is pulled in the direction of her Caller. This may be a direction into which the woman readily moves, or it may be one that she resists. For Madeline, the

experience is one of wavering. She feels herself drifting back and forth. She lets herself flow in this way, knowing that there is room to move. There is a sense of

flexibility. She is not about to break. The fabrics of her self can stand some degree of pulling. She acts with the understanding of this knowledge.

When the woman who is academic, wife, and mother is called, one might imagine a sort of battle within her self. What aspect of the woman will prevail? Which part of her self will outlast the other? And must one aspect of her self dominate over another? The self holds together firmly all of its fabrics so that these fabrics do not tear or stretch out of shape. The self as a whole provides stability to the shape. It also allows for movement. It allows for pushing and pulling. To the woman who is academic, mother, and wife it may feel like she is wavering and drifting. Perhaps she is. It appears that the woman does not waver so far to one part that she totally abandons her connections to the others. The callers pull her, testing the strength of her fabrics, and the self that holds these fabrics together. 95

Chapter 5: Juggling Time

He's a young guy, standing amidst the farmer's market sellers. I'm surprised to see how young he is, as I stand in line for my kettle popcorn. I watch intently, trying to observe his movements and what his skill requires. He's juggling what looks like wooden bowling pins. There are three of them. He tries different moves—delaying the catch, catching on his chin—and seems to struggle with them, for each time a pin falls to the ground. He sighs when he drops a pin; yet, he's quick to pick it up again and start over. I think to myself, "At this rate, he's not going to make a lot of money." I feel compassion for him. I watch his head. He keeps it very still, concentrating on the positioning of the pins. Other than his arms and hands, his body barely moves. Then a pin falls and his positioning is broken. "Can I help you," the woman asks me from behind the counter? My concentration turns to the woman, "A medium please," I tell her. I turn to watch her pour my popcorn into a bag, leaving the juggler to his effort.

The act of juggling involves a series of moves in which objects are tossed into the air and caught again, creating a circular motion (www.meriam-webster.com/ dictionary/juggler). It is a balance of catch and release. It is a skill that requires controlling and letting go.

When tossed, one temporarily releases control of the object. With the final touch of one's hand, one sends the object into the air, no longer commanding its movement. The object moves under the guidance of the juggler's previous touch.

When caught again, the juggler's hand reconnects with the object and regains control once more. It is in this moment that one makes any adjustments to speed and positioning. In this moment, corrections are made so as to increase the likelihood of maintaining one's pattern of balance. The object is then tossed again, and the juggler lets go of control once more.

In order for the juggler to be successful, he or she must continue to perpetuate a pattern of speed, balance, placement, and aim. One minor miscalculation within any 96

of these factors causes the ending of this act. One misstep brings the activity to a

close. Indeed, it is a highly sensitive operation.

The word juggle has come to mean more than specifically what one does in

front of a crowd of people to gain their admiration and applause. Many people juggle

on a daily basis. One may hear someone speak of juggling the schedules of his or her

three children. One can be sure that this person is not referring to tossing and catching

the schedules in the air. Rather, this person is referring to having to deal with and

accommodate several schedules at a time. One may juggle work, family, a social life,

extra-curricular responsibilities, and personal interests. That is to say that one attempts

to address these areas of life in a way that is successful and satisfying at the same

time. While one area is being attended to, another area is being shifted, another area is

running its present course, and so on. Much like the juggler of the performing arts,

people attempt to keep numerous things in motion at the same time. This requires

organization, planning, attention, and focus. To lose focus is to disrupt the flow. To

focus too much on one area and to ignore the others is to upset the balance. There is a

very precise relationship that must be maintained in order to juggle successfully. There

are consequences when the relationship is out of order.

The woman who is mother, wife, and academic is a juggler of a unique kind.

She develops ways to attend to these parts of her self so as to maintain a rhythm and flow. There are places that are more conducive to such juggling. There are times when this feat is most successful. There are relationships that encourage and discourage her.

At times the balance is threatened. At times her perfected efforts of tossing and catching are in jeopardy. Different elements can affect this balance. There are factors 97 that can impede the woman's ability to maintain her flow of balance. The woman who

is academic, mother, and wife often feels she is juggling. She feels pressure to maintain a certain level of balance between and within these areas of her life. The ways in which she experiences time, place, body, and relationship are unique to her as juggler. By exploring them, one gains greater insight into her experience.

Morning: The Time of Juggling

Every morning in Africa, a Gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a Lion wakes up. It knows it must outrun the slowest Gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn't matter whether you are a Lion or a Gazelle . . . when the sun comes up, you'd better be running." Herb Caen, The San Francisco Chronicle

I mean, there were periods, and it doesn't happen so much now, there were literally periods in the mornings where I would have such a migraine by the time I got out of the house because there were so many struggles .... But really, the mornings have been, like I said, I think that's the high-point of stress in my day. It has been a live-and-learn thing. There was one point when I had a nine-thirty class. And there's no way I'll do a nine-thirty class. Like I do all my classes after lunch. Because I don't want to be, I mean, after Kyle was born, doing a nine-thirty class just didn't work .... It's just too much. It's a struggle .... When there's just too much on a morning plate, when there's too many things that you have to do by a certain time, it's not good .... And so I'm really careful about what I do the year before around when I'm teaching and how that's spread out and not doing morning classes because if I have, the more I have things clocked particularly early in the morning, the more hellish my existence is going to be.

Abbey Schlosser knows what it is to be running with the rising of the sun. She knows what it is because she is mother, academic, and wife. Meeting the needs of these three aspects of her self, in her words, is a "struggle." It is a challenge that she faces every working morning.

For some, morning is a time of quiet contemplation, of sorting one's thoughts regarding the day ahead. It is, as Emme Woodhull-Bache writes, a "unique daily 98

opportunity to smell time—to smell opportunity—each morning being, a new

beginning." A new beginning, fresh and green, and not yet tainted by the trials of a

day. There is a sense of peace conveyed in such a reflection. She writes, "I love the

sweet smell of dawn . . .. " There is pleasure in waking to the new day. There is

newness and there is delight. It smells sweet to her for its scent brings thoughts of

opportunity and potentialities. It is a welcomed time of day. It is a treasured time of

day. It is a time in which she alone connects with its uniqueness.

"I'm so glad my window looks east into the sunrising," said Anne, going over to Diana. "It's so splendid to see the morning coming up over those long hills and glowing through those sharp fir tops. It's new every morning, and I feel as if I washed my very soul in that bath of earliest sunshine . . . ."

Lucy Maud Montgomery's, Anne of Green Gables, p. 208.

For Anne, morning is a time of splendour. It is a time in which her very soul

feels refreshed and rejuvenated by the morning's light. She bathes in the earliest

sunshine and drinks in its warmth and life. The rising of the sun gives her life, as it

signifies it. It gives her a sense of newness in its newness. Anne gratefully receives the

gifts that the morning brings. It is with anticipation, joy, and open arms that she

welcomes the sun's presence into her day. It is a day of new beginnings. To this, Anne

looks forward.

Where are such sentiments of joy and splendour in Abbey Schlosser's

description? Where are the romantic thoughts that are fuelled by this time of day?

Where is her moment of contemplation, her moment of her soul being washed, "in that bath of earliest sunshine?" She speaks not of smelling the sweetness of dawn. She

speaks not of the morning as a new beginning. She does not connect to its newness and rejuvenating power. For Abbey, the migraine overrides the "sweet smell of dawn." 99

The opportunity to "smell time" is crowded out by the "struggle" to be on time. Stress overshadows the splendour. This is Abbey's morning.

Frenzy. Frenzy is trying to find galoshes because I knew it was going to be muddy at the farm. And it was raining of course on Friday. Frenzied because if you're actually going on a field trip day you need to be a little bit early, and it's always kind of a struggle to actually get to school on time, right?

Let's not go into how many times I've had to go into the office to get wave notes .... Struggling to kind of do breakfast. I mean there's just so much going on. The morning's are really, really intense. Like I would say of all the times of our day ... the morning's are like the most frenzied because you need to get out of the house and there's just so many things to kinda do in order to actually get out of the house. The end of the day, making dinner and those kinds of things are less, is a bit more low-key. The mornings, you really have to do things at a certain time in order to make your way ....

Well we did make it on time, so that's good. The road there was chaotic .... Well it's, I mean, it's the chaos, there's a chaos of the structure.

Rather than it being a time of peace and tranquility, morning is a time of chaos.

Abbey's responsibilities are many. She strives to ready herself for her day of academic work. She strives to be on time for her obligations as academic. She struggles to prepare her son for his day and to, "kind of do breakfast"—not to do it, but to "kind of do it. She struggles to be mother while preparing to be academic. She struggles in her balance of these responsibilities. Her juggling is chaotic. There is no sense of controlled rhythm and trance-like pattern. She struggles to keep each ball in motion and in place.

Like him not wanting to get dressed and literally going, "Come on!" And chasing him through the house with stuff (sunscreen) on my hands, and him screaming and crying and not wanting it. There is a pressure under which Abbey struggles. It is the pressure of morning time.

She is well-familiar with the office and "wave notes." She is well-acquainted with

struggling to get out the door.

The TV in the morning, we tend most mornings not to have it. But there are some mornings where he starts, he'll get up really early and then it'd be like, "Okay Treehouse would be easier than getting up out of bed right now," or, "a few minutes of Treehouse while I get breakfast ready," or whatever. I do these kind of deals to make sure I can get him away from the TV because they tend to want to watch an entire show. And like Dora the Explorer is not going to be over. Like by the time it's over I'll have missed the first bell, the second bell is going to be going, and I'll end up in the principal's office.

"Go to the principal's office," the teacher sternly commands. Students across

the ages have feared this command. It is a sentence. It is a sentence to punishment. It

brings embarrassment and dread. This is an experience with which many students are

familiar.

What could be more ironic than Abbey the academic in the principal's office?

Abbey has not been a student for years. And yet the threat of, "end(ing) up in the principal's office" is still very real to her. It is not a punishment of old, but is a current

fear. More often it is the student who fears this destination. It is the student who sees this office as a place of authority. This is the place where one goes when one is in trouble. This is the place to which one is sent when one has misbehaved.

I remember my only time of being sent there. It was my last day of elementary

school. I had spit water in someone's face and a teacher had seen me do it. She sent me to the principal's office. I remember the shock. I remember feeling fear. My heart rate increased. My stomach tightened. I remember hearing people laugh. I remember feeling my face go hot. There was a bench outside of the principal's office. There I sat for what seemed like hours. One of the teachers, who was also a family friend, saw me on the bench, "Danielle, what are you doing there," he asked in dismay? I remember feeling nervous. The principal never did come out and see me. Eventually the school bell rang to mark the end of the day and the year, and I left.

Abbey fears the principal's office, not as academic, but as mother. From student to mother, the principal's office continues to be a place of anxiety for her.

There are mornings in which the juggling does not go smoothly and Abbey finds herself racing her children to school. They arrive late. Now, as mother, she suffers the embarrassment of being in the principal's office. Having to go there reminds her that her morning has not been a peaceful one. It reminds her of her struggle and of the mayhem. Having to go to the principal's office is the extra "bonus" for the morning she has just endured.

Abbey struggles to juggle in time all morning. She incorporates the use of the television in an attempt to regain a sense of control. It allows her to rest a little longer.

It allows her to make breakfast without her children interrupting her. Interestingly enough, it is this same television that ends up contributing to her being in the principal's office later. Using the television is helpful at the beginning of her morning and stressful at the end. Deals are struck so as to motivate her children to leave its presence and get out the door. This adds further stress, as Abbey must now contend with a new morning factor—removing her children from being in front of the television. To Abbey, it seems to be worth the trouble.

Her experience with the principal's office tells on her however. It reveals that the morning struggle is often not resolved in time and that consequences follow. It suggests that even with the television, or perhaps because of it, Abbey's morning juggling routine continues to be a rocky one.

Unlike the successful juggler who feels her movements are in time, Abbey seems to be running behind time. She is not with time. She is not running alongside it and in it. She is struggling to catch it. She moves faster to try to regain it. This increase in speed adds to the chaos.

Abbey notes a difference between morning time and evening time, "The end of the day ... is a bit more low-key." By then, the panic of the morning is long ago.

Abbey no longer struggles to get out the door. She has arrived home and is now allotted time with her family to be mother without having to worry about being academic. She no longer feels pressure to have her son at a certain place by a certain time. Her experience of time is more in sync. Rather than running behind it, she now feels with it. The evening plate is much less cluttered. It is far less full. There is time for connecting with her family. There is time for her to be mother and wife. The major pressure to be academic for the day has passed, at least until her child has gone to bed.

There is one less ball to juggle, one less object to balance. This eases Abbey's load and her juggling process.

Abbey's morning is far more pressurized. There is chasing. And searching.

Frenzy. Abbey's juggling is one of intensity. It sounds of desperation. She runs after her son to help him get ready. There is screaming and crying as he resists. The noise level peaks. The migraine develops. Abbey's body responds to the stress of the moment. It cannot fight the "hellish existence" of her morning's battle. Something in her must give for she cannot maintain the struggle at this intensity without there being some consequence. Her body tells her that she has gone beyond her limit. Her body

informs her that she, as juggler, has lost the balance.

Well sometimes, like for instance, getting ready (this) morning, I know I'm getting ready, dressed, for a work environment. And that can be quite interesting because with kids, and to get the kids out of the house, it's an ordeal. If I have two minutes or three minutes of uninterrupted time, and I sometimes end up here with make-up and sometimes I don't. And sometimes I, whatever. And it's like, but you're going to be in a professional environment. So you're trying to put your look together. I would love to come here in sweat pants every day but it doesn't happen!

Rachel Evans juggles. She too knows the frenzy of the morning. To her, "it's

an ordeal." One considers the meaning of this word, ordeal, and may be surprised by

its harshness:

A primitive means used to determine guilt or innocence by submitting the

accused to dangerous or painful tests believed to be under supernatural control;

a severe trial or experience (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary

/ordeal).

Submitting. Painful tests. A severe trial. This is Rachel's experience of mornings. This

is how she welcomes this time of "new beginnings" and splendid glow. This is the

time of sweet opportunity. Could this be the same time of which the authors speak?

Do Anne and Emme speak of the same time of day? Indeed, the time changes not.

Instead, it is the experience of the time that makes the difference.

What factors are present for Abbey and Rachel that may not be present for the

authors quoted previously? Abbey and Rachel speak of their mornings in light of juggling being mother and academic. For Rachel, it is an ordeal to address the needs of

her children as mother and to be on time and prepared as academic every work morning. Multiple responsibilities present themselves at this time of day. Numerous

are the needs to which she must attend. Reflecting on Rachel's and Abbey's

descriptions of their mornings brings one closer to their experiences of morning as

trial. It is a time in which they are tested. They are tested as mother and as academic.

They are tested as juggler. They are tested in their ability to be both. They are tested in

their capability to meet the needs of both. Like the accused, they are submitted to tests

that cause them pain. Abbey speaks of her migraines. Both speak of stress. There is no

sense of peace conveyed in their descriptions.

Rachel speaks of interruption. There is no time for solitude. Being mother

ensures her of this. And Rachel, as academic, suffers. Part of Rachel's morning

pressure is the need to prepare her self for the day as academic. She, like Abbey,

struggles to do this while also meeting the needs of her children. Part of being

prepared as academic is putting her "look together." She is about to enter a

professional environment. Being in this environment places certain expectations on

her. There is a standard to which Rachel wants to adhere regarding her look. Some

mornings, when the juggling goes more smoothly, she is able to look according to her

desires as academic. Many mornings, when the juggling is not so smooth, she is not.

While arriving at campus as academic without make-up may seem

inconsequential to some, to Rachel, it signifies the chaos of the morning. Her lack of

make-up is a symbol. It is a symbol for her lack of time for her self. It speaks of her

interrupted morning. It speaks of her missing a moment of solitude.

Make-up is more than the product one uses to decorate one's face. It is more than an attempt to hide or accentuate certain features. Applying make-up has become a sort of "getting ready" ritual. Like shaving or arranging one's hair before a date, putting on make-up is a ritual that states, "I am ready." It is a time of taking care of one's self. It is a time in which one invests time and effort in one's presentation. One takes the time to put on make-up. One gives it to one's self. It is a gift of attention, of care, of focus. To allow oneself the effort is to reinforce that one is worth the effort.

Seldom in one's day does one focus so closely on a particular part of her body.

Applying make-up requires focus and attention. It requires concentration on one's self.

She looks closely in the mirror, attending to every detail. This requires no distraction.

It is a time of peace and self-care. It is a time of stillness. It is not done successfully when rushing. It is not done successfully when moving about. Success in its application comes from having the time in which one can focus all attention to her body. It is this time that Rachel so rarely knows. It is this process of care that she so infrequently experiences. There is little time in which Rachel can prepare her self for her day. She is too busy focusing on preparing her children for theirs. Thus, her own self suffers.

Abbey and Rachel do not speak of their mornings as a time in which they can enjoy connecting to one, specific part of the self. Morning is not a time for a quiet moment within. They do not connect to that part of the self that soaks in the moment and welcomes reflection. In contrast, Anne speaks of no other responsibility other than to focus on her self and to seize the morning's glow. There are no children screaming.

There are no timelines pressing. She is free to take in the sunrise and all of its beauty.

Emme also speaks of such a time of quiet. There is stillness. There is a lack of chaos. There is time for looking inward and reflecting on what one discovers. There are no

sentiments of rushing and chasing. Morning is only that time of retreat.

When a juggler begins to lose the rhythm and pattern she has established, the

struggle to regain the flow is evident. Extra effort is required. Greater concentration is

given. The body moves and compensates for any lacking. The hands may move

quicker. The feet may have to reposition themselves. The observer senses the stress of

the situation and may find herself holding her breath as she waits to see the outcome.

To regain the balance is an effort. To maintain the balance is a skill.

"It has been a live and learn thing," Abbey acknowledges. This juggler has

been living and learning this skill, and may still be fine-tuning it. She has learned how to keep a better balance in the morning. She has learned to ease her morning academic

load so that her morning mother load is better handled. To have morning academic

obligations proved to be too weighty. It offset the balance too greatly. Adjustments had to be made. Abbey lessened the load on her morning plate. She is now, "really careful" about the scheduling of her academic duties. There is a maximum amount of

objects that a juggler can juggle. Abbey realizes that she had, "too many things." This

excess created frenzied juggling. By lessening her load, her hands could slow down, her movement could be more deliberate, and her juggling could be more controlled.

Like all jugglers who hope to continue to juggle successfully, Abbey learns from her experiences.

I mean, it was sort of like this hideous kind of struggle getting out of the house. Then he's in the back of the car and we can talk. As I'm driving we have a chance to talk 'cause he was upset and I was upset. And we just had a kind of conversation about, "Okay, this is what I have to do in the morning and this is why, and you'll be late for school." And then, you know, we were able to talk about it. And he gets that and he'll say, I mean it's not that it doesn't happen again, but there are now, it's more frequently these moments in the car where he'll go, "Oh I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that. It just happened. Tell me next time. You have to let me know." "Tell me in a different way," I think is what he means, like tell me in a different way. So that's happened more in the last few months where we were kind of able to do that. And it's good because it kind of calms. It's a moment to sort of calm down as we're driving to school to have that kind of conversation.

Abbey has also learned the benefit of using travel time as teaching and assessing time. Once she and her son finally make it out of the house and into the car, they are then in an enclosed environment where the distractions are few. It is Abbey and Kyle and no one else. There is no television. There is no, Dora the Explorer.

There is no sun-screen chasing. Those times have passed. They have arrived at a new part of the morning. The chaos is over. A different part of the morning has begun. This is the time of, "What can we learn from what just happened?" Abbey has learned to make use of this time. By using it to fine-tune her morning, she helps her juggling for future days.

I was certainly thinking about the morning and what just happened. I mean, I do that all the time when I drop off my kids. I spend time with them in the car. We're not talking about a huge commute. But spend time with them talking about the morning time, the transitions. There's a lot of interactions. There's a lot of connections, although we spend a lot of time in other things, there's a lot of communication that goes on in the car, in the drop off, in the leaving ...

Rachel Evans also knows the benefits of using her driving time as morning evaluation time. She too knows the value of discussing with her children the morning process and what could make her juggling process smoother. While the morning time may be an ordeal, it is followed by a reflection on this ordeal in the hopes of changing it. She is in active pursuit of bettering her juggling process. Reflection and awareness are key to her success.

It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.

(Mick Jagger)

The drive to school is Abbey and Rachel's time to, "get (themselves) back." It is the time to get back their timing, their flow, their sense of balance. It is the time in which they and their children evaluate their morning and reflect on what worked and what did not. This is a reflective process. It requires that all individuals be willing to revisit the events of the morning, no matter how stressful. By evaluating their morning, the areas needing improvement are highlighted. They share awareness with each other regarding their struggle. It is the reflection upon this awareness that brings reward.

Awareness is the tool used to affect change (Siegel, 2005). Only those things of which we are aware can we alter. Through awareness, one recognizes and acknowledges. From this, one can then determine what parts of a process to keep, and what parts to change. This is the drive for these mothers and their children. This is also part of their morning experience.

Abbey explains to her son the various obligations she has in the morning. By informing a competing responsibility of other responsibilities, Abbey hopes for compassion and understanding. She hopes to affect change in her morning process.

Kyle understands. He acknowledges his mother's struggle. He acknowledges that she juggles various items in the morning and that he is a key part of making that process run smoothly. Their conversation brings this awareness. It also brings change. There is immediate change and there is gradual change. The immediate change

is sensed in the tone of the environment. No longer do Abbey and Kyle operate in an

environment of stress and chaos. Instead, Abbey experiences a sense of calm. She

senses the effect that having this reflective conversation has on the peace of her morning. Perhaps it is now that Abbey is able to take in its splendour?

The gradual change occurs in Abbey's juggling process. By checking one of her responsibilities, she is able to make adjustments. These adjustments enable her to juggle more smoothly in future mornings. No, the adjustment is not all-encompassing

and everlasting. Abbey and Rachel know this, for there are still mornings in which they juggle chaotically. And, like jugglers who hope to improve their ability and rate

of success, Abbey and Rachel continue to evaluate their process and to make the adjustments as needed. It is indeed a process, for the fine-tuning is constantly required if they hope to gain and maintain a smooth rhythm.

The morning is not the only time in which women who are academics, mothers, and wives strive to maintain the balance in their juggling. It is not the only time in which they find themselves juggling and struggling. Travel can be a significant part of the academic's experience. It can often be the only time that the academic is able to, "get away." This get-away however, is not from work, as most people's holiday times are; rather, the travel is instigated by work. The academic finds herself travelling to what many would consider a holiday destination, only the travel is not for the purpose of holidaying. At least, this is not its primary purpose. The woman who is academic, mother, and wife often tries to juggle the holiday and the academic conference. This too is a process of, "live and learn." It is a process of figuring out what will and will not be juggled together. This time affords much learning in the realm of her juggling skill set.

The Working Holiday

When one juggles, one tosses and catches separate items at such a speed and with such flow that, to the observer, it may seem that the objects are connected. The timing within which the juggler operates may seem to connect the items in a sense; however, the items very much remain apart. Each item is unique. Each item occupies its own space in the juggling flow. It may seem that they are connected. They are not.

One does not connect the items that one juggles. The items maintain their separateness. To try to connect them is to give oneself a most difficult challenge.

We wake up in the morning. We all have breakfast together at the hotel but then they drove me to the conference site. They dropped me off. I said, "Goodbye." I said, "I'll meet you here by the end of the day." So they went and did some fun stuff in Vancouver which would have been great for me to do too but I had to attend the conference. So they were off having their fun time. And I have to admit, I would have loved to have been there. Now we did more stuff after, but it would have been nice to go. But I wasn't there to do that. I was there to go to the conference. So at the end of the day, they were there.

Some other colleagues and people were doing other kinds of things. Some people I hadn't seen in a long time. We gave them a lift back to the hotel so we're all in this mini-van going back. They're chatting and entertaining my child and having a conversation with him. We get back to the hotel and I invited my colleagues out with us and we all went together and my child came along with us. But of course, these were people who I felt comfortable doing that with who were fine to be around children. Some people you know that you just don't do that. They will not be interested in a gathering like that. The conversation went from child menu, to business and work and research and other kinds of things and personal and social kinds of things too, whatever. And then at the end, we made up some other plans to go out a second night but this time it was just the colleagues and not the family and stuff like that. All within that short timeframe of four days. Ill

"I was there to go to the conference," Rachel Evans seems to have to remind

her self. She reminds her self as mother and her self as wife that she is not in

Vancouver to holiday with her family; instead, she is there, "to attend the conference"

as academic. With her family doing fun activities throughout the day, Rachel finds that

she must remind her self of her true purpose for being there. Her purpose seems to be

overshadowed by the pull to be with her family. Being mother and wife distracts her as academic. There is a sense of longing in Rachel's words, "I would have loved to have been there." It seems Rachel feels somewhat left out. She is not a part. She is apart from her family and their excitement. Rachel is aware of her separateness. To juggle an academic conference with a family holiday is, for Rachel, to be distracted as academic and to be longing as mother and wife.

Having been separated all day, Rachel connects the parts that have felt

separate. The family picks her up and they and her colleagues go out together. Rachel experiences the drive and the evening as mother, wife, and academic. Time is spent discussing topics of interest to her self as mother—child menu—and to her self as academic—work and research—and to her self as wife—social and personal things.

The car ride and the evening out exercise her juggling skills.

Rachel is aware of factors that will affect her ability to successfully juggle and chooses to help her self in any way that she can. She is aware that there are certain colleagues who are, "fine to be around children." She selects these colleagues as her company for the evening. Much like a juggler chooses how to stand in positioning to the lighting and where to stand in relation to the crowd, Rachel chooses her juggling environment. The colleagues she chooses help create a successful juggling atmosphere.

Rachel is aware of other colleagues who would make her task much more difficult. These are the colleagues who find having to focus on child menus an unwanted distraction. These are they who are far less patient when Rachel needs to attend to being mother in the midst of meeting as academics. These are the colleagues who do not welcome Rachel juggling in their presence. These colleagues will be visited another time, most likely when her juggling is less demanding (a.k.a. When she does not have to juggle being mother and academic).

Rachel's experience of juggling academic, wife, and mother while at her conference seems to be successful. While distracted, her self as academic still has its time for focus. While longing, her self as mother and wife still experience times of togetherness with her family. The distraction and longing are manageable. Is it ever not?

I had a conference in France. And so we took a family holiday and the conference was in Bordeaux and that was in '98, so the girls were 8 and 12 .... And (John) and the girls went off and did their stuff during the day and I did the conference. And at that point, the girls were old enough and it was all interesting enough that they could, they just had great days. I felt jealous that they were having more fun than I was. The conference was good so at least I was pleased with the conference .... It was quite hot so the conference sessions tended to be a little uncomfortable and hot .... So the one day, I don't remember what they actually did, but they toured around. They had a good day. And then they decided the next day they were going to the beach. And I'm an ocean person. I just want the beach. So I was jealous of that. I thought, "Ohhhh ...." And I'd be sitting in the conference sessions you know, "They're at the beach now. Well maybe it's not good. Maybe it's not a good beach." And they got back that night and they said it had been a really good beach. So then I, "Well that's it!" So the last day of the conference I skipped out on the conference and we went to the beach together. So then I didn't feel hard-done-by. But I think that is the tendency. If I'm with them at a conference, I'm more likely to skip out of a conference thing that I really should go to, if they're there. So it's just, I mostly find it's easier if I'm going to do a conference, I do a conference.

Mia Cameron is in France as academic, mother, and wife. She is there for a scholarly purpose and she brings her family with her. She faces the challenge of juggling the responsibilities and desires of being academic, mother, and wife. As academic, Mia wants to attend her conference. She wants to learn and take in the new information. She wants to be stimulated intellectually. As mother and wife, Mia wants to spend time with her family. They are at an exotic location and she wants to experience it with her family. How can she find a rhythm with these unique desires?

What sort of balance must she establish and maintain in order to juggle successfully?

Mia, the academic, attends her conference. Thankfully, "the conference (is) good." Only, it seems the goodness of the conference does not outweigh her longing to be with her family. Mia finds that even a good conference does not distract her from wanting to be mother and wife. Either the desire to be academic is too little, or the desire to be mother and wife is too strong, for Mia finds that her juggling starts to go out of balance. To juggle objects of equal weight is challenging enough. To try to juggle objects with varying weights can often bring about a collapse in the juggling pattern.

Mia speaks of her family having "great days." She is jealous that they are having more fun, as a family, than she is as academic. While her family discovers

France, Mia discovers her conference. The exchange is unequal. The two do not compare. Mia is distracted, much like Rachel is. She finds her self, as academic, struggling to focus. She, as mother and wife, thinks of her family at the beach with envy. To attend the conference and to try to focus as academic is too challenging when

her family is presently having fun. Mia finds that she cannot maintain a smooth juggling process with her current approach. An adjustment must be made.

She first tries to minimize the fun that her family is having. She tells herself

that her family is at a beach that is, "not a good beach," thereby attempting to

redistribute the weight of her juggling objects. She seeks to remove weight from her

desire to be with her family in the hopes of regaining a sense of balance. This attempt

proves to be unsuccessful however, as Mia finds herself continuing to be distracted.

With the failure of this first attempt to regain balance, Mia surmises that only

one adjustment will bring success. Only one change will bring about her desired

experience. On the last day of the conference, Mia chooses to remove one of the

objects from her juggling pattern. She removes academic and accompanies her family to the beach. This resets Mia's sense of balance, "So then I didn't feel hard-done-by."

It removes the struggle from her juggling process. This adjustment comes with a cost

however. The adjustment costs her self as academic.

Just as Abbey Schlosser speaks of juggling as a, "live and learn" process, so too does Mia Cameron. In her experiences of juggling family and conferences, Mia

learns the importance and necessity of keeping her juggling objects separate. She relates, "Normally I try not to combine them because it is really hard." One cannot combine the juggling objects without it taking a great toll.

Once, I took them to Ottawa .... Of course, Jeff took them to all the museums and I was in the conference. And then we stayed on an extra two days and did some bus tours, looked at the tulips. Overall, it's not, it doesn't work 'cause the conference is, yes, it's about presenting your paper, it's also about networking and forming relationships with other people, not your family. 115

And so in the evening if there is opportunity to have meals with other people from other universities, that's a really good thing to do.

Yvonne Olson agrees. For Yvonne, an academic conference is about being academic. It is about presenting and networking and developing relationships with other academics. It is not about spending time with her family. It is not about trying to make time for both, although she does spend two days beyond the conference to enjoy the setting with her family. Primarily, the conference is for her as academic. This is possible because Yvonne's husband accompanies her and is the tour guide for her family while she attends the conference. In this way, Yvonne can attend the conference and know that her family is occupied.

Unlike Mia Cameron, it does not appear that Yvonne is distracted by the presence of her family. Yvonne's focus seems much more direct. She is academic. She does not let being mother and wife distract her. Being mother and wife while at a conference, "doesn't work" for Yvonne. Being academic is her purpose for being in

Ottawa and she does not let being mother and wife interfere with that purpose. She has learned to keep conferences as a separate time as academic. There is no juggling. It is how conferences are best experienced. She has learned the purposes of conferences and she has learned how to attend them so as best to achieve their purposes.

This is not to say that Yvonne does not spend time with her family during a conference trip. Rather, Yvonne has learned to have distinct and separate times to address the needs of these different aspects of her self. There is time for academic.

There is also time for mother and wife. For Yvonne, this works best when the time for mother and wife is not juggled with the conference but is experienced separately,

following the conference.

Mia Cameron learns that the toll of juggling mother and wife while at a

conference is not worth the attempt. Her experiences have shown her that juggling

family and conference is too hard. Given this knowledge, Mia has made an

adjustment. She now tries to keep the areas of family holidaying and academic

conference separate so that one will not take away from the other. It is either a conference or a holiday. She does not attempt to do both. It is often a hard lesson

learned.

Well, I was boiling bottles, like, I think you're supposed to do that for the first week of their life. I kind of did that for the entire time he was drinking milk from a bottle. And there wasn't, there weren't things in the room. There was a stove but getting pots was another ordeal. It just wasn't set up. So there was that 'cause I wanted to make sure everything was clean. And then, ya, and the safety stuff. And then, you can only bring so many toys on the airplane so there wasn't all this stuff that he normally has. And then the room being kind of hazardous and that was when he was just starting to pull things up and do things and be a bit more mobile. So I think it was just too much. Too much that's different, that you're out of your routine with your child. And then the conference days, and two people doing things, presenting. There (are) some other things I was doing there and it's just like, not, it just wasn't fun.

Abbey Schlosser learns a similar lesson through her experience of being at a conference with her husband and baby. Just as Mia Cameron is distracted from academic and towards mother, so too is Abbey. One reflects on Abbey's description and becomes aware of the powerful pull that being mother possesses. The conference is academic, and yet, Abbey's focus seems to be elsewhere. It seems that Abbey's overriding thoughts and concerns are centred on her baby. How is the academic to thrive when her attention is such? 117

Abbey speaks not of the conference in terms of its content and presenters. One

does not hear of her experience as a presenter. She refers to it as, "some other things I was doing there." There are no details. There are no specific recollections. One is left to wonder about her experience as academic.

She more weightily experiences her conference as mother. This may seem to be an odd combination. Why would one's experience of an academic conference be experienced as mother and not as academic? Does it not make sense to think that one experiences an academic event as academic? For the woman who is academic, mother, and wife, this is not the common experience. The woman who is academic, mother, and wife takes in an academic conference as a juggler. And, as Abbey relates, "it just

(isn't) fun."

What prevents such an event from being experienced as fun? Abbey is away on a trip. She is with her family. Stimulating people and conversation surround her. Are these not factors that could make a "fun" experience? When the juggling process is smooth, it is more enjoyed. When the juggler struggles, the juggling is much more work and much less "fun." This seems to be Abbey's experience.

Like Mia Cameron, the objects that Abbey attempts to juggle are out of balance. Attending a conference as academic, mother, and wife means that these parts of her self are not equally weighted. Therefore, there is a problem. Being mother proves to be far weightier. It demands her attention and focus. It requires extra effort.

"It was just too much," Abbey remembers. Instead of being able to focus on her purpose as academic, Abbey finds herself exhausted by concerns as mother: how to boil bottles in the hotel room, how to gain access to pots, how to ensure the room is 118 clean, how to entertain her son on the airplane, how to ensure the hotel is safe, and how to create an environment for her son in which he can be mobile. These are the thoughts that consume her. This is her focus. She is not free to be academic at the conference. She is not free to enjoy the lectures and to focus on her own presentation.

Instead, the weight of being mother dominates. It overpowers. It offsets the juggling process and knocks it out of balance.

And how does Abbey seek to re-establish the balance? Does she choose to skip out on a conference day as Mia does? Does she leave her conference early? Does she choose to continue to struggle with her current situation and decide to make changes for the next time? Abbey does not say. One cannot juggle off-balanced endlessly.

Either the juggling stops or adjustments are made. Given Abbey's comment, "it just wasn't fun," one may expect that she does not repeat this experience anytime soon.

This combination of objects in her juggling experience does not work for her. A better balance must be sought if the juggling is to continue.

When my son was eight weeks old, I got invited to speak at this research conference. That's very exciting 'cause it's kinda like once in a lifetime getting invited to speak there. It's kinda like they just invite world leaders in that field. Each person gives an hour talk. So you have twenty talks and a hundred people attending. So it's sort of fancy to get invited to talk. So we had this eight-week old baby and we had to go to Italy. So my husband came with me. And it was like twenty hours to get there on the plane. And we just had our first baby so we didn't know what kind of stuff we were going to need. So we packed so much stuff. We were in some mountain resort in Italy. We didn't know if we'd be able to get diapers. We didn't know if we'd be able to get all this stuff. So we took all this stuff with us and we schlept (sic.) it all the way to Italy, and it was like three airplanes, three trains, and a taxi to get to this little resort. I had this little baby. Just at eight weeks they just started to sleep more of the night, and then we went and time zone shifted him. So he would be awake all night and then sleep all day. So I would go to this conference all day and then nurse my baby all night and then my husband would sleep with the baby the next day. 119

One hears the words, "mountain resort in Italy" and immediately a certain picture begins to form in one's mind. One sees a beautiful setting amidst green hills and tall mountains. The sky is a blend of orange and purple as the sun finds its way behind the hills. Perhaps one sees beautiful architecture and fields of olive trees. There is an air of romance. There is beauty and warmth and luxury. This is an escape to a place far away from the realities of everyday life. This is what comes to mind upon hearing such words. This is what one expects to experience when destined for such a location. This is the vision one beholds.

Where are the descriptions of such beauty and richness in Ellen Young's experience? Where is her connection with this retreat? Where is the loveliness that one expects when at a "mountain resort in Italy?" Perhaps, if Ellen knew this location as wife only, such an experience would be lived. As wife, there would be time to take in the scenery and to enjoy the setting. There would be moments to connect to her surroundings and to drink in their beauty. But this is not the way in which Ellen experiences her mountain resort. This is not what she lives while there. Ellen is not there as wife only. She is there as academic, mother, and wife. And this combination gives an entirely different experience.

Ellen describes the honour she feels in having been invited to speak at such an illustrious conference. This is a rare opportunity. It is a career highlight. It is one of which she is proud. Ellen cherishes this academic honour. Only, she is not able to take in the experience solely as academic. Ellen's husband and baby accompany her. This creates a different combination that requires her juggling skills. And, like the descriptions of Mia and Abbey, when attempting to juggle academic and mother at a conference, academic suffers and mother dominates.

Like Abbey, Ellen's focus shifts from being honoured as academic to being stressed as mother. She too must concern herself with diapers, and toys, and, "all this stuff." She cannot linger in the joy of having been invited to speak, for the weight of being mother pulls her. The travel is exhausting. It is not spent taking in the scenery but tending to her baby. The conference is not experienced solely in the bliss of academic. The nights are spent as nursing mother. The days are spent at the conference, giving and attending talks. How does one accomplish this when receiving so little sleep in the night? Surely, it colours one's experience of the event. This is

Ellen's experience. This is what she recalls of her, "mountain resort in Italy." It is a time of juggling the responsibilities of mother with the responsibilities of academic and wife.

She juggles and one can feel the fatigue in her struggle to maintain a sense of rhythm and balance. Ellen works hard to keep her juggling flow. She sacrifices. She sacrifices her own restoration. She sacrifices moments of peace. She does this to maintain the balance as best as she can. With mother as part of the juggling mix, Ellen struggles to keep it from dominating and taking over. After all, mother is not her primary purpose for being there. She is invited as academic. Surely her self as academic must be given its moment of achievement? Ellen works hard to have this.

And it comes with a cost. The romantic picture of Italy is replaced with her reality of juggling academic, mother, and wife. To juggle separate objects requires much skill and concentration. To attempt to juggle objects that are connected is often so challenging that it cannot be done. Abbey,

Mia, and Ellen know the toll that such an attempt takes. Given their experiences, they now choose to seldom engage in such a process. The cost of juggling and combining is too great. At least one part of the self suffers, thereby deeming the effort disadvantageous. Even when it seems to work, the cost is still experienced.

Some sort of blend.

And I remember being at another conference where we (her husband and herself) were both at the conference. And we both wanted to go to one session and they (their children) were a little bit older and we had them sitting in the back row at the session. And they had little electronic toys they were playing with, while we were just sitting, trying to be really cool at the back and telling them, "Be quiet." They were quite good. But again it was sort of distracting 'cause you're always aware of them and you're trying to concentrate on some key note speaker that we particularly wanted to see but they're there too. But they were good. They got used to doing that kind of stuff.

Madeline Cote and her husband are both academics. Both have chosen to attend this conference as academics with their children. Because both are academics, the father is not available to lead the children in daily adventures while the mother is attending her conference. Unlike Mia and Ellen, Madeline's husband is not available to child-mind while she is academic. Therefore, a different solution is sought.

Madeline and her husband bring their children to their conference sessions.

Together, they sit at the back, as a family. Madeline does not leave her family at the hotel room in the morning to attend the conference as academic. Instead, she takes her family with her. In this conference room, Madeline experiences being academic, wife, and mother. All three aspects are present. All three require a certain degree of attention. The separateness of these three aspects seem to blend together in the space

of this conference room. As a result, the juggling becomes more difficult.

Madeline's experience of her conference sessions is one of distraction. Her self

as academic is distracted by her self as mother. Much like Mia is distracted by thoughts of her family at the beach, Madeline is distracted by the actual presence of

her children. Madeline's children are there with her. Therefore, they are her

responsibility. It is her duty as mother to ensure they are quiet and occupied and well-

behaved. Unlike the academic who attends a conference alone, Madeline's focus is

split between listening to the speakers and monitoring her children. This is indeed a

difficult combination to juggle.

Madeline's experience is one of "trying." She tries to be academic and concentrate on the speaker. She tries to, "be really cool at the back" and to keep her children quiet. She tries because to do is too difficult. Her self as academic pays the cost. So does her self as mother and wife. The cost of combining her juggling objects is that not one aspect receives the attention it requires. Each aspect is wanting.

Like conferences are intense little academic fests. And they're intense because you're presenting and they're intense because meeting people and seeing people you haven't seen for a while. There's so much stuff going on. And I think, and in this particular case, we (her husband and herself) both had that sort of thing, and we were trying to work it so that we could do that, like we were sort of trading off, and taking care of our son in-between that.... I think initially we weren't presenting on the same days. And then, and he was still just a baby so there were lots of people who wanted to see him and stuff. And then there were some things where we did dinners at this hotel that we were staying at and people would come and it was sort of at a period where he would sit in a highchair and chew on a ring and do whatever they do when they're eight months old. But it just was, I think partly, the hotel wasn't set up for kids. So there was all this safety stuff that wasn't there. So you're in this hotel room and that was a bit much. And then it was just hard 'cause you've got a kid out of their routine. And I don't actually remember the details I just remember it being not a great experience .... it wasn't a great conference plus it wasn't a great family time. Like it was neither, so why do that? It wasn't worth it. Because I think, "Now if I can go with my husband on a conference, that's great. And if not, I kind of take that time to do what I need to do and just focus on that." Try to uni-focus. Have that graduate student experience where you can uni-focus a bit.

And the same thing with a vacation. Like I don't want work on a vacation, know what I mean? We just spent, after this particularly hideous year, we spent a week in (Ottawa) as a family and we didn't take anything. And it was great. No email. I didn't have anything. And we had a really great family trip. I think for us that's the way to kinda go. You know, really have clear times where it's play time and clear times when it's work time and you know, regular life is some sort of blend between the two.

Like Madeline, Abbey Schlosser and her husband are attending the same conference. Both Abbey and her husband are required as academics. They are required to present and to attend. Both Abbey and her husband are required as parents too.

They are required to give care to their child. And what is Abbey's overall summary of her experience? She recalls, "It wasn't a great conference plus it wasn't a great family time." It was not great as academic and it was not great as mother, and it was not great as wife. Blending and juggling do not work together successfully. They do not work together because to juggle, one must keep her items separate. To blend, one must remove the separation from the items. One action works against the other. This is

Abbey's experience.

Conferences are intense experiences in and of themselves. There is presenting, and meeting. There is attending and seeing. To do them well, one needs energy and focus. This needed focus is what is lacking in Abbey's experience. Instead of being able to concentrate and expend her energies towards her self as academic, she spends her conference occupied with the usual conference activities as well as child minding and child "trading." The "uni-focus" that makes a conference most rewarding is

missing from Abbey's experience. Her focus is shared. It is, as she relates, blended. It

therefore falls short of fully meeting the needs of any aspect of her self.

Abbey learns that blending at a conference is not worth it. She suffers as

academic, mother, and wife. Others suffer. She realizes that to best address the needs

of each aspect of her self, she needs to give each aspect its own, separate time. She

needs to "uni-focus." She learns to make clear times for work and clear times for

family. She does not enjoy juggling at a conference and finds that it is not beneficial.

Her family vacation, away from email and papers and work communication "was

great" because she did not have to juggle. She removes being academic from her

responsibilities and finds that her experience is much more enjoyable. She can freely

be mother and wife. She now attends conferences either alone or with her husband. To

be wife and academic is a juggling combination that she can balance successfully. To

be wife and academic and mother while at a conference is too much for her to handle.

The juggling balance is upset and the juggler feels defeated.

There is something unique about the conference experience, for she

successfully handles being mother, wife, and academic in "regular life;" yet, at a

conference, this combination does not work. At a conference, there is great intensity experienced as academic. It is one's primary purpose for attending. And yet, it is not one's primary focus. She therefore cannot attend fully as academic as she would like.

Who she is and who she wants to be are different in that atmosphere. The discrepancy ruins the experience for Abbey. Juggling greatly affects the conference experience. So as not to have the juggling out of balance, women who are academics, mothers, and wives struggle for ways to give each part its due attention, for each part requires attention. In order for the juggling flow to remain, there must be that moment in which that one part is the juggler's focus. To keep the juggling rhythm, the juggler must connect with each part at different moments. By doing this, continuity is ensured. The woman who is academic, wife, and mother is no different. In fact, the experience of the conference shows just how important these moments of specific focus are. The experience also depicts how much of a struggle it is for these women to achieve them.

Working Around the Working Holiday

When I knew I was going, I thought, "What a great opportunity for us to go to France together!" Melanie (Devon's daughter) has never been .... And then she (the university correspondent) said to me, "I will make a list of people you should meet and set up meetings." So I emailed back, "Okay." Then I said to my husband, "Now what we have to do is, we have to decide when we're going to do certain things as a family so I can email her to tell her I am available on these days for meetings. 'You can book me from eight o'clock to six o'clock, I don't care, but I will only be available on those ten days.'" Because for four days in Paris, what you have to do is, you can't be in meetings in the morning and then hop a train to Paris in the afternoon.

So we arranged just like that, he and I, that okay, certain days, and then we had to also work around, the schedule had to work around the holiday times of the people in France. So I emailed her, asking her, "When are holidays?" I said, "The first two weeks of July, does that work?" She said, "Yes." I said, "Okay. Book me whenever you can. How many times you want. Full days, I don't care, for that." So she arranged the schedule with the people in France. And then she emailed me the schedule.

And then actually, in the schedule, there's a few afternoons that were free. So we took advantage of those to go to Vimy Ridge and to go into Belgium. So, it was a lot of planning. Especially, if I was just going as an academic, it would have been half the planning. But because I was going with the family, and wanted to spend time doing things as a family, then we had to arrange the schedule to do that, to fit my academic responsibilities. When Devon James leams that she is to go to France for an academic purpose, her first thoughts are of her family, "What a great opportunity for us . . . Melanie has never been ..." She immediately begins to view the trip in light of being mother and wife. Being academic and what the trip will require of her in that regard falls somewhere after these other, initial considerations. This is interesting, as she would not be travelling to France at this time were it not for her self as academic.

Devon is aware of each aspect of her self and of how this trip will impact each part. She therefore goes about ensuring that the trip, and her juggling of these different aspects of her self, will be a success. Devon knows that in order for this to be a success, she must give specific moments of focus to each aspect. She also knows that such moments do not make themselves naturally available and that they must be thought out, organized, and planned. Devon begins to view the schedule of her trip in light of what they, as a family, hope to do. Then, she as academic can be scheduled.

Mother and wife hold greatest weight. Academic fills the time and space once these other aspects have been addressed. By "work(ing) around" her own self s needs and the schedules of others, Devon ensures that all areas will be addressed and given their due attention. In this way, she creates and is able to maintain a smooth juggling process.

By creating moments of time in which she connects with each aspect of her self, Devon's juggling is a success. She deliberately chooses when she is academic and when she is mother and wife on her trip. When one, she devotes her self wholly. Then, when another, she again is fully committed. "Book me whenever you can. How many times you want. Full days, I don't care," she tells the university correspondent. She can give her self so fully as academic during this time because she knows that she is giving her self as mother and wife equally fully at other times. She knows she has orchestrated a balance between these aspects. She knows she is not in danger of swaying out of balance. Her schedule is created to ensure this.

She later shares regarding a different trip:

I had to plan. I still wanted to be part of the family. So we tried to set up a schedule where I had certain meetings I was going to be at, and then we would try to fit in times that we could do things the three of us. But it's still fitting things into an academic schedule.

In this instance, Devon's family time is "fit into" her time as academic. Perhaps the schedule is less flexible than her previous trip? No matter, Devon still organizes her time such that all aspects of her self receive their needed attention and time. Whether it is mother and wife fitting into academic, or academic fitting into mother and wife, time is given for each part. In doing this, Devon's juggling is successful. Balance is created and the juggling process flows smoothly.

To achieve this smooth process requires much effort. Devon is aware of the work this balanced juggling requires, "If I was just going as academic, it would have been half the planning." It would be half the planning because there would be far fewer objects to juggle. In fact, Devon's trip experience would not involve juggling at all. To go as academic-only is to be free from having to accommodate and address any other aspect of her self. It is to be solely focused on this one part. No juggling required. To toss and catch one object is hardly considered a juggling feat. Numerous objects must be present. Juggling is required because she goes as more than academic, "But because I was going with the family, and wanted to spend time doing things as a family .... " And to ensure that her juggling is a success, Devon takes great effort in planning her trip.

To organize is to increase the likelihood that ones' juggling will not falter. In organizing, one acknowledges the various weights with which one contends and one thoughtfully positions them accordingly. It is the moment when the juggler positions the two pins in the right hand and the third in the left, so as to begin the process as smoothly as possible. Time spent organizing beforehand saves one time in the end

(Kovach, 1999). It is the time taken before the commencement of the juggling that often affects how smoothly one's juggling experience will be.

Juggling Time

Time management is critical. And minutes count. In terms of I can do this X, and this and this and this. And I couldn't believe it. I always have two Daytimers going. And all my lists of these are the things—and I get them done. And I was with a group of researchers and none of them were using Daytimers. How do you survive? You can't do that without Daytimers.

According to Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs (1970), humans have a number of needs that are innate: physiological, safety, love/belonging, esteem, cognitive, aesthetic, and self-actualization needs. Without meeting these needs, one experiences anxiety and even risk of survival. According to Maslow, the needs of the lower levels must be met before needs of higher levels can be attained. Thus, one cannot achieve self-esteem and confidence when one does not have food and water and security of body. Included in Maslow's lowest level of needs is that of homeostasis. Homeostasis is that condition where one's internal environment is regulated so as to maintain a stable, constant condition (Maslow, 1970). Without homeostasis, an individual experiences anxiety and seeks to address this by achieving

this need. Yvonne Yao knows this state of anxiety. She knows what it is to feel that

one's survival is at stake when one's homeostasis is in jeopardy.

And what is it that helps achieve a level of homeostasis for Yvonne? What

gives Yvonne a sense of stability and constancy in her environment? It is her

Daytimer. Her two Daytimers. Without them, Yvonne feels that her survival is

threatened.

Yvonne is speaking of her experience as mother, wife, and academic. She

relates the importance of having a space in which she organizes her many

responsibilities. She emphasizes the importance of taking the time to fill this space and

to keep it current. Yvonne cannot fathom existing without these spaces of

organization. Her existence is such that she feels her ability to successfully juggle, day

after day, is highly dependent upon maintaining this space. Her Daytimers keep her

focused on each responsibility as it surfaces. They ensure that she gives each aspect its

necessary attention and action. They ensure that she misses nothing. Not one ball is

dropped. Not one pin is missed. Her Daytimer ensures this. Thus, she feels that her juggling, and her very survival, depend on this.

"How do you survive" without this juggling aid, Yvonne wonders? When one

is so heavily dependent upon something to function, one is baffled when introduced to

others who are not. Is it like the runner who wonders how so many others can live a

day without a good, hard run? Or perhaps it is like the musician who cannot imagine a

day without music? It is incomprehensible for Yvonne to imagine existing without her

Daytimer, her two Daytimers. As Maslow theorized, when a physiological need is not met, one experiences anxiety and eventually death. Yvonne can imagine this anxiety. In fact, it seems that being in the presence of people who do not use Daytimers causes her some level of this anxiety. The very idea that some people try to survive without them awakens the power of her own need within her. She is aware of its power. She knows that to try to juggle without it would be sabotage. "Time management is critical," she knowingly states. Her Daytimers are "critical" for her survival. They are indispensable; vital for her juggling process. Her self as mother, wife, and academic knows this. It knows the anxiety it feels when confronted with the possibility of this juggling aid being removed.

My recollection is that we did it at the kitchen table after the kids were in bed one night. We said, "Okay, we should sit down and do this." And we also do that to plan our holidays because if you don't plan your vacation time, it won't happen. If you wait until there's three weeks that are free, it won't happen in the next twenty years. There'll never be three weeks free. So we try and do that. Make sure we have it scheduled in. So we sat down at the kitchen table and we had printouts of all the months of summer and our respective Daytimers and then we're going, "Okay, so you go, I have to teach school from here to here and then so you can leave for your trip after that." You know, trying to make sure we have a couple days overlap, like not be away from one another as a couple for the entire summer. "So it'd be nice if we had a couple days there before you go." And so then he'll schedule his and then I'll go, "Okay, well I need to go see so and so (for school) around about that time so you'll be back that day, so I'll plan to go on that two-day trip at that time." And then we just go back and forth. And we go, "When's the time we can take vacation?" It's like, "Okay, that looks like this looks good. I was thinking about doing something there, but I won't because that's our block of time to do vacation." So whatever else it was gets put out the window. There was a conference I was vaguely thinking of going to or something. I go, "Okay, that's not going to happen because that's our only time where we have to take vacation as a family."

So it goes back and forth. And then we write it all out and then we put it in our Daytimers and we both have electronic things like that so we can go back and forth and we have all our family stuff in there. My husband puts all the 131

kids sporting activities in mine for me.

Conferences, academic commitments, family vacations, spouse's commitments, kids' sporting activities—of these things Madeline Cote's summer consists. Her self as academic does not get a break with the ending of the school year.

Her existence from May to August continues to demand a juggling routine in which

Madeline struggles to find a balance within and between academic, mother, and wife.

Her Daytimer contains the evidence of these various aspects of her self. It is this object that helps maintain Madeline's juggling flow throughout the summer and academic year.

Madeline knows the rewards of having a Daytimer that is current and comprehensive. She also knows the disappointment when its details are lacking.

Aspects of her self are missed when they are not accounted for in this space. Family vacations do not occur. Time as a couple does not take place. Could it be that her self as academic is just as active and demanding in the summer months as it is in the school year? Could it be that, if not consciously focused, her self as academic would dictate the schedule of her entire summer and the needs of her self as wife and mother would not be addressed? Her self as mother and wife suffers when not given their needed space and time within the pages of her Daytimer. Her self as academic seems to dominate when Madeline is not careful in her organizing. It seems to require so much time and effort that little is left for the others. Madeline has learned to account for all fabrics of who she is. She has learned that she must intentionally and deliberately acknowledge and give time for every aspect. Only then does each part receive its necessary attention. And as previously learned, one must have these moments in which specific attention is dedicated to each object in the balance in order to juggle successfully.

The time taken to set up this juggling aid is purposeful and concentrated. It is intentional. To do it haphazardly is to miss. Madeline does not welcome the experience of missing. And so, she and her husband, with printouts of the year and

Daytimers, sit down to outfit this aid. There is surveying, considering, negotiating, compromising, and committing. In order to have this aid available, one must go through the process of making it helpful. She must consider the responsibilities of each aspect of her self and she must ensure that they receive adequate time and space.

She and her husband equip their Daytimers together. By making this time a priority,

Madeline's juggling balance is given the proper preparation it needs for success.

(Looking in her Daytimer) Today we have: Josh (at work), Felix to French art camp, Danielle Fullerton, pick up Felix from French Art Camp. My other son's out of town for the whole week, so it's a relaxing week .... Ya, I always have everything in here. Tomorrow I have, "Take the dog to the vet, meet my grad student.... "

Madeline's Daytimer is a telling symbol of who she is. It displays the many aspects of her self. It reads: wife, mother, academic, mother, mother, mother, academic, and so on. It is the space in which she organizes what she juggles. It is the space in which she balances the weights and ensures a distribution for success. It is here that she can redistribute as necessary. She can assess and adjust.

The schedule was up on the fridge. Who was doing what. We planned things and put it down and were direct in your communication and you would prevent a lot of problems .... Sunday right after supper, it's kind of not even done nicely. Just lines, and Monday, Tues, Wednesday, and menu, when we were doing this, and what we were doing. The schedule allows the woman who is academic, mother, and wife to juggle successfully. It is the space in which her self is accounted for. Yvonne Yao's hangs on her fridge. It is in a space that is well-frequented and viewable by all. It is accessible and detailed. A copy of this exists within Yvonne's two Daytimers. Madeline Cote carries her schedule. Her husband has access to it to help keep it current.

Yvonne's family also has a set, schedule-planning time. It seems that a deliberate time must be set or the planning may not be done. For Madeline, it is in the evening, with her husband, at the kitchen table. For Yvonne, it is Sunday, after dinner, with her family. To have a current schedule requires the participation of more than one. It is a family effort. To juggle well is a family effort. By organizing together,

Yvonne's and Madeline's juggling maintains its rhythmic flow. These women organize because it means success. The others invest in the organizing because they know that in it, there is reward. They are not missed. All benefit when the woman juggles successfully.

Choosing Not to Juggle

To be academic, mother, and wife is to be academic, mother, and wife all of the time. No matter one's setting or current task, these aspects of one's self are constant. "I am always father," states Max van Manen (personal dialogue). Whether teaching and in the space of academic, or interacting with his son in the space of his home, he is always father. Father is part of who he is. It is a fabric of his self. The self constantly holds father together with the other fabrics. He as father is always a part of his self. This is not to say that one is always juggling the various aspects of the self just because a variety of aspects exist. There are times in which one's focus dominates more fully on one particular aspect. What occurs when the woman who is academic,

mother, and wife chooses to focus on one, particular aspect? What is her experience

when she chooses not to juggle? Can she, in fact, not juggle?

I'm always thinking, "How can I improve my classes? What should I be reading?" Even when I go away, we have, my husband and I, have to leave town to get away from work. We don't bring a laptop. We have to leave town. So we actually bought a timeshare that forces us to do that. So we will leave town. And during that week, I won't even, I will however think about work, but I won't go looking for an internet cafe. I won't. I'm not there. I'm not there. I'm not there. It'll have to wait. Because I leave messages everywhere, I have automatic reply on my email, "I'm away till June 20."

In order to keep academic from being a constantly dominating part of her

existence, Devon James must deliberately and intentionally "leave." She leaves her

familiar space. She leaves her office and her home. She leaves her laptop. She leaves

her work. She must physically leave in order to cease her juggling routine of being

academic, mother, and wife.

Leaving is hard for her. Being academic is part of who she is. Why would she

want to leave it? As Devon describes, she may physically leave the spaces of

academic, and being academic does not leave her mental space, "I'm always thinking," she relates. She is always thinking of her work as academic. It is a constant

with her. It is a constant because it is her. That is, it is a part of her. And sometimes, this part needs to be less dominating and allow the other parts to be expressed. Being

academic is never fully left however. She cannot cut it apart from her. It is with her, at

least in mind, even when she is away.

Devon is aware of its pull, "I'm not there. I'm not there. I'm not there," she reminds her self. She passes an internet cafe, "I won't." She is disciplined. She and her husband have designated this time as husband and wife time, and she will not juggle being academic with it. This time is not for juggling. It is for intentional and focused time as wife.

To exclude one part of her self is difficult. A space is purchased that "forces" her to do that. Devon feels she must be forced. It is not natural for her to downplay her self as academic. Being academic is a prominent part of who she is. It takes great effort to remove it from this place of prominence. And it must be done. It must be done for the sake of who she is as a whole, for who she is in each part, and for who she is to others.

If I'm there for them (her family), I'm there for them. If I'm there for work, I'm there for work. I learned that years ago. Some women said you can't do this. I spoke at a women's panel and it was on compartmentalize, and they said it doesn't exist and that phenomena, women don't do that. And I thought, "Well I do." You know, if I'm home with them, I'm home with them, or with time with them. At home I also work but I don't try to work and to go, "Oh," like when they're playing when they're little, they're all trying to work. I don't do ... if I'm with them, I'm with them. They deserve, if I chose to have a child, or chose to have a husband, it's about quality. Don't waste my taste buds on poor chocolate if I can have good chocolate.

Same thing with parenting and relationships. It's always if I'm there, I'm there, not distracted. But having said that, I know there's another part of the monkey brain that always is thinking about this or that. I just try to compartmentalize it. I try to say, "Right now I am with you and you are fascinating. You are fascinating to me. I choose to be in this relationship." I may not like lots of things or I may like a lot of things, whatever my emotional reaction is, but this is what I've chosen.

Yvonne Yao has learned to compartmentalize. She has learned to not try to juggle important times and occasions. When with her children and family, she chooses to be with them fully. There is no sharing of attention, no sharing of focus. She chooses to be present one hundred percent. I am sitting with my supervisor during our weekly supervision meeting. I am telling him about an insight I had this week while with a client. I notice that he is not quite paying attention. He nods his head as I speak and he verbally responds; yet, I can tell his attention is also elsewhere. I see him look at his computer screen and feel somewhat annoyed. I decide to continue talking, hoping that he'll focus on me completely if I do. I raise the volume of my voice to try to encourage him to focus my way. He then surprises me and asks, "Do I feel completely present to you right now?" I am startled. I do not know what to say. "No," I think to myself, "you do not feel present to me right now; and yet, how do I say this to you?" "Well," I start, "Not too bad," I manage to tell him. He looks at me intently, "I just caught myself. I realized I was

not completely present to you." "You seemed a little distracted," I told him. "Ya," he agrees, "I was. Okay," he says, "I want to be present." And with that, he rolls his chair away from his desk, relaxes himself in his chair, looks at me intently, and we continue.

To be present to someone is to be focused completely on that person. It is to

have one's vision, hearing, and thinking intently minding that person. It is not to be distracted. It is not to be thinking of something else. It is not to have a wandering mind. One's attention and focus are given completely to the other. There is no sharing.

No juggling.

The Other is aware when he or she is not receiving another's "being present.

During my meeting with my supervisor I can tell that he is not fully present to me. He is not looking at me as I speak. His computer screen distracts him when a message appears. His voice seems distant. His responses seem delayed. And I, as the Other, feel undervalued, unappreciated, and unimportant. I wonder, "Is my story uninteresting? Is what I am saying boring? Is it not captivating?" I am led to question the value of my message because of his lack of presence. In essence, it leads me to question my own value. "Would he rather be doing something else," I wonder? "Am I interrupting him right now?" His lack of presence leads me to question my very presence. "Perhaps there are more important things to which he must attend," I speculate. His lack of presence is distracting and devaluing. In catching himself, my value is reaffirmed. The

importance of what I am saying is encouraged. I feel restored and bolstered.

"If I'm with them, I'm with them . .. if I'm there, I'm there," Yvonne Yao

states. In other words, Yvonne practices being present. "It's about quality," she

believes. It is about taking in each part of who she is and showing it that, "you are

fascinating. You are fascinating to me." It is about showing value and allowing oneself to convey this value. There is no rushing. To convey importance takes time. It takes effort and focus. Yvonne has learned the importance of this. She believes each part of her "deserve(s)" this attention. And so, she practices this.

Some people phone home regularly, like at noon, which I thought was endearing, to have that kind of relationship. Maybe it's my compartmentalization, but basically during the day I would not phone home because I work.

Yvonne calls this compartmentalization. One envisions various compartments in which she places different portions of time and effort. There is a compartment for mother. There is another for wife. There is one for academic, and so on. She keeps them separate. To keep them separate is to show them their importance. It is to show that she is giving her undivided attention, that she is completely present, and that each part of her self is worth this.

Yvonne does not phone home during her lunch break while at work. To phone home would be to divide her focus. It would be to take away her focus from work while at work. It would send work this message, "You are not fascinating. I choose to not be in this relationship." Yvonne hopes to never convey such a message to any aspect of her self, for all are worthy. Thus, for Yvonne, juggling is avoided by choosing to keep the various aspects of her self completely separated in their own, individual compartments. Unlike the juggler's illusion that all aspects are connected in the flow, Yvonne seeks to establish no continuous flow within and between them. Work is work. Home is home. There is no attempt at connection.

Interestingly however, Yvonne too struggles at times to discipline her mind.

Just as Devon James, "think(s) about work" when she is trying not too, Yvonne's,

"monkey brain . . . always is thinking about this or that." She attempts to be fully present as mother to her children and finds that her brain cannot maintain one focus so easily. Her self as academic continually calls to her. She continually attempts to compartmentalize. It seems that no matter her effort, these parts of her self are not so easily kept separate. Yvonne determines to keep them separate and this is a struggle.

She determines not to juggle, and finds that she must constantly bring her focus back to one part, for the parts of her self seem to call to be juggled. These parts are used to being caught and tossed, and caught and tossed. They are familiar with being attended to, then not, then attended to again. It seems to be the regular flow of the self. It seems to be what gives the self a sense of balance. Perhaps it is its way of being. It is its way of existing successfully. As Yvonne struggles against this flow, she finds her self called back to its regular balance, that is, this mode of juggling. Like the man at the farmer's market, juggling successfully requires perpetuating motion between and amongst the parts being handled. To pause too long with one part disrupts the process.

To linger and to focus at length brings an end to the balance. Constant motion is 139 required for the balance to continue, and for the juggling and the juggler to be successful. Chapter 6: Juggling Space

"Homework"

"Being an academic is a life of perpetual homework," speaks the Associate

Chair (personal dialogue, April 2007). I wonder at his claim. Who would choose such

an existence? I picture different nights spent in long, late hours, fighting to complete

an assignment. I think of my current battle to complete this current task. When I hear him describe being an academic in this way, my thoughts go to my own experience of

late-night and weekend school work. Is this not an experience to which students look

forward to ending? Is not one of the advantages of finishing school that the homework responsibilities end? And yet, some people choose an existence in which homework perpetually exists.

Yes, to me "homework" is schoolwork done at home. Yet is that all it is? If one considers the words that comprise the word homework, then perhaps one ought to wonder why homework only refers to schoolwork done at home. Could not homework also include work done at home? And if so, then could homework be comprised of various forms of work, such as gardening, cleaning, cooking? Are these not also forms of work done in the home? The Cambridge Dictionary Online defines homework in this way, "Work which teachers give their students to do at home" (http://dictionary. cambridge.org/define.asp?key=37678&dict=CALD). It is associated with other words such as lesson or assignment, clearly indicating its school orientation. The Merriam

Webster's Online Dictionary (http://www.merriam-ebster.com/dictionary/homework) offers a slightly more expansive definition: 1 piecework done at home for pay; 2 an assignment given to a student to be completed outside the regular class period; 3 preparatory reading or research (as for a discussion or a debate)

No where in this definition does it include home-oriented forms of work as homework; rather, its definition reflects work only done for pay, for one's employment, or for

school. The woman who is mother, wife, and academic experiences these forms of homework along with this other form of homework that is not included in the definition. She must find the space and time to complete all kinds of work at home.

The Space of Home and Work

The kitchen table is always full of stuff. So when we're doing homework we use the dining room table. It's the table that has nothing on it.

Here, Devon James speaks of having to find a space that is conducive to doing her homework, that is, her school-related work at home. Something about too many things being present makes the kitchen table not a viable option. Perhaps being, "full of stuff' is too distracting for her to be productive and focused. I think of my need to clean off my workspace in order to write. When papers, mail, and various items surround me, it seems that these items impede my thoughts. They get in the way. They disrupt my flow. Cleaning off the desk is not a ploy to delay the onset of work; rather, it is necessary in order to create the environment in which I can work. When my workspace is, "full of stuff," both mind and body feel cramped. To feel cramped is to feel confined and restrained from expression (http://www.merriam-webster.com

/dictionary/cramped). One experiences being cramped by the "stuff and the vast quantity of it that gets in the way of free expression. One woman speaks of the advantage of "just" being a student, for it is then that one can be, "uni-focused." With too many things on the kitchen table, perhaps the likelihood of being uni-focused is

severely decreased. Thus, Devon uses the dining room table, as it is clear and

unfettered. In its lack of clutter, she can be productive and accomplish what she needs to get done. In its lacking, the dining room table provides an abundance of freedom.

Devon also speaks of a "we." She does not speak of doing her homework

alone. She does not state, "When I am doing my homework;" rather, she uses the pronoun "we." This infers the presence of another. In the uncluttered atmosphere of the dining room, there is an Other. The doing of homework is not presented as a

solitary activity. It is presented as an activity whose time and space is shared.

I feel like I can do them both at once. I do my homework. My kid has to do his homework. So I say, "You sit beside me and do your homework. I'm gonna sit here and do my homework." Then I do my homework and he needs help to spell stuff and I spell for him and I do my homework and he's like, "Oh we're doing our homework together." No problem.

For Ellen Young, the space of homework is shared between herself and her son. She does not seek nor seem to need solitude to accomplish her tasks. And what are her tasks? Ellen does not convey the sense of uni-focus to which another professor refers. Her focus is dual in nature—her work, and her son with his. She helps her son with his spelling as needed. He sits beside her. How is this different than the distracting nature of the "stuff that fills the kitchen table and thereby makes it a non- preferable homework space for Devon? Ellen's son's calls for help do not seem to distract her in the same way that too much "stuff seems to impede Devon's homework process. Ellen's son is not just another form of "stuff that impedes her expression. In fact, it seems that by combining the space of each other's homework processes, at least one person's process is enhanced. Ellen is able to attend to and meet the demands of both needs.

I don't feel that I really try to keep it separate. Like I can just work on, you know, as long as my kids don't want to go to bed. So I'll be typing, "We don't want to go to bed!" So, "You have to go to sleep, you're going to be tired tomorrow!" And still be typing at my work.

Even when in the combined space of family and homework, Ellen is able to complete the tasks before her. She is able to be mother. She is able to continue typing as academic. One does not distract her from being the other. Ellen has developed a system whereby her homework and her family—her academic self and her mother self—co-exist successfully. As she says, "I don't feel that I really try to keep it separate." Ellen does not feel a need to separate these aspects of her self, as she is able to attend to them both in shared space and time. She has found a combination that works for her and her family.

... I just started (my homework) after she (her daughter) went to bed . I never started before nine anyway. Because, and then after nine o'clock, put a load in the washer, 'cause there's that too. You've got the house. So here I am. I do this a lot. I have an office in the house. Photocopier, fax, computer. I'm equipped. And so, I'm typing a report, working on a report, and then run downstairs, put a load in the wash, run back upstairs keep typing. Forty minutes later, you run downstairs, you put the clothes in the dryer, then you run upstairs and you keep typing.

Devon James completes her homework once her daughter has gone to bed. It seems that she completes her homework once her self as mother is at rest. Prior to nine o'clock, Devon as mother is too active. She is tending to her daughter's homework and to her family's needs. The bedtime of her daughter represents the commencement of her homework time and the time in which Devon can be academic in the home. Devon has a specific space in her home in which to complete her homework and be academic. She has all the necessary tools needed to have favourable homework space. As she says, she is "equipped." Only, something happens once she is able to begin her homework time in her homework space. The illusion is that there are no longer demands on Devon as mother or wife and that she is able to solely exist as academic. This is, indeed, an illusion. While Devon has a specific space in which to complete her homework, her office, she finds that because she is at home, she has the

"house" duties to take care of as well. Having an office at home may give the impression that Devon's homework space is separate from her home. It is not. Her homework space is within her home, and therefore, her home's demands do not stop once Devon has entered her office. There is no respecting of such a boundary.

I remember as a child, my brothers shared a bedroom. At times, they would set red tracking on the floor to draw the line between one person's space and the other's. I remember especially my younger brother being irritated because even though there was a boundary, somehow my older brother's things would be found on my younger brother's side. It was impossible to enforce the boundary. Try as they might, the boundary could not keep the other person's things out. The red tracking boundary was a theory, an idea. It was an effort to enforce separate space. It was not successful in practice.

Devon does not describe a homework experience in which she solely works in solitude, uninterrupted. She does not describe a smooth process that lacks disruption.

Devon's homework experience is more of a combination. Like Ellen, the space and time for homework is shared. Devon's homework process includes typing, running a wash of clothes, typing, running the clothes through the dryer, and typing some more.

It is a juggling of homework and laundry. It is a juggling of her self as academic, her

self as wife, and her self as mother. Her homework space is not one of seclusion; rather, it is one of inclusion. All three of these aspects of her self are attended to during this homework process.

So I would work at the kitchen table .... But the nice thing was, was I could work at the table there and I could have the kid in the Jolly Jumper right behind. And the dog loved to spin the kid on the Jolly Jumper and the kid loved it. So they would spend hours spinning on the Jolly Jumper and I could get work done.

I would have to clean up for dinner. Every meal I'd have to clean up. Or if someone was coming over, I'd have to clean up. I just didn't have a place for myself to get my own things.

Val Jeffries is in the space of her home, completing her homework. She is in a shared space. She is in a space where she is more than academic. The kitchen is a space where she shares what she does and who she is. Val describes how she, "could get work done," because her dog would spin her child in the Jolly Jumper for hours.

For hours, Val could share her focus with her homework and child. Val's juggling is one of homework and child minding. She, like Devon and Ellen, must share the homework space with others. The uni-focus on her homework is not an option. Her homework space does not provide this.

According to the mid-1800s, Book of Household Management, Mrs. Isabelle

Beeton states:

A good kitchen should be sufficiently remote from the principal apartments of the house, that the members, visitors, or guests of the family, may not perceive the odour incident to cooking, or hear the noise of culinary operations. (http://www.foodreference.com/html/qkitchen.html) Here, Mrs. Isabella Beeton is concerned with the matters of the kitchen interfering

with the matters of the home. She recommends a solution that she believes keeps the kitchen and the home separate. According to mid-19th Century etiquette, the happenings of the kitchen space were not to be shared with the other, "principal

apartments of the house." The activities of the kitchen were to occur without the

inhabitants of the home being aware of their occurrence. How different this is from

Val Jeffries' experience. Rather than keeping her home life separate from her kitchen

space, she juggles numerous aspects of who she is within the space of the kitchen. Val brings the juggling of parts to the kitchen, rather than keeping the kitchen apart.

Val discusses her homework space as different from Devon's. Unlike Devon,

Val lacks an office in which she can be academic and have, "a place for (her)self;" that is, a place for her self as academic. Val's homework space is the kitchen table. It is a combined space of child minding, eating, entertaining, and homework. It is not a space with a single purpose, as a home office might be. It is a space that is shared. Within the sharing of this space, Val as academic, wife, and mother is available. And, while she may wish that her homework space of the kitchen was, "sufficiently remote" so that she could focus solely on her homework, this is not Val's experience.

Growing up, the kitchen table was my homework space. It was here that my mother could work in the kitchen, stay aware of my presence, and offer assistance as needed. I remember I enjoyed having the kitchen table as my homework space. It allowed me to be in my mother's presence at a time that I did not want to or need to be alone. Somehow the kitchen table was a warmer and friendlier space for homework.

There is warmth in the memories of the childhood homework space of the kitchen. As Barbara Costikyan writes, "In the childhood memories of every good cook, there's a

large kitchen, a warm stove, a simmering pot and a mom" (http://www.thinkexist.com

/quotes/barbara_costikyan/). I remember with fondness the presence of my mother in

the kitchen while I completed my homework. My experience of homework in the

kitchen was one of companionship. This was a benefit to me as a child. It may or may

not be a benefit to the academic who is mother and wife. As Devon James finds, the

kitchen is a space not conducive to homework productivity. For Val Jeffries however,

it is a place where companionship and homework combine well. Indeed, the kitchen is

a place in which various juggling combinations are created, tried, and repeated when

deemed good.

For the woman who is academic and mother, the space of the kitchen table is

slightly different from that of the woman who is not academic. Never in my growing up years did my mother sit beside me and do her own homework while I did mine.

Instead, she cooked and cleaned while I completed my lessons. My mother completed the work of home while I completed my homework. Rather than the child being the one, sitting at the table, working on her homework, it is Val, the mother and academic, who fills that space. The academic mother seems to attempt to complete both homework and work of the home, often within the space of the kitchen and the kitchen table.

Val describes how the space of the kitchen table changes according to time and the presence of others. She states how her homework space changes into the eating space or socializing space very quickly and not necessarily because of her choosing. Family is hungry and wants to eat, friends arrive and want to visit, and Val's homework space is altered.

Val senses a lack of having a, "place for (her)self." Where is the place for the self of the academic who is mother and wife? Val does not find it at home at the kitchen table. Though it works for a while, it quickly becomes unusable space for her homework purpose. Devon James does not find it in her home office, as she constantly runs in and out, addressing the needs of numerous aspects of her self. In sharing her space, Val feels she lacks having her own.

So my point is, the computer in that main room is the computer for the house. Up until just a few years ago that the older ones have their own. So anyway, so that's the desk though for me to work. Yes, the kitchen table doesn't work. My husband is an avid TV-watcher. And so typical house with the kitchen and the family room beside each other, I could not work at the kitchen table. So I need to work at that desk. But then, I arrive home, I'm stressed, I've got a deadline, and plans to work, and it (was) one of those days where I left early instead of staying to work on something 'cause I knew I should have stayed but my daughter's there and I'm trying to please my daughter and keep her happy. So I chose to go home thinking, "No I can get this done tonight." And then it ends up that my son in high school has some big paper and he's cramming to get it done and he needs to be in that room working on the computer and I can't work in there when he's trying to work on the computer. It's too close of space.

Claire Olson leaves the office before she feels ready in order, "to (try) to please" her daughter. The presence of her daughter in her office seems to affect

Claire's focus from trying to complete her work, meet a deadline, have so much of her work done before leaving the office, please herself as an employee or her boss as an employer, to trying to please her daughter. The very presence of her daughter seems to change the person whom Claire is trying to please. And this change is not unconscious. Claire "knew" she should stay at work and do her work. She also knew that she wanted to, "please (her) daughter and keep her happy." Claire leaves the office to please her daughter, not because it is the time that best fits for Claire as academic. Her schedule does not seem to be solely determined by her appraisal of how much time is needed to meet her work's demands. When her daughter enters her workspace, it seems that Claire no longer feels the freedom to continue to work in her workspace. With both her daughter and her work needing her attention, Claire chooses to attend to her daughter. This choice then leads her to a space where her work also falls second to the needs of her son. To leave her conducive homework space is to allow the needs of her children to supersede the needs of her work.

In, "trying to please" her daughter, Claire leaves the space that is more beneficial to getting her work done and arrives home to a space that is not so advantageous when it is being shared. To leave the office is to leave her space of greater productivity. Attempting to complete her homework at home provides various obstructions that do not exist when she completes her homework at the office. At her office, her computer is her own. Her space is her own. The door can be closed if she so chooses. These same freedoms do not seem as available to her when she is at home.

Instead, she arrives home to the homework space in use. Because it is a shared space, she does not solely determine the timing of its usage or the user. Like the kitchen table being too "full of stuff," the computer room at home is too full when another family member's presence occupies it. "It's too close of space."

What makes the space, "too close? It is the presence of her son, "cramming" to complete his paper. Claire admits to being stressed because of her deadline. Her son seems to be experiencing something similar. Two stressed individuals in the same space make it "too close" for her. Had her son not been in the room with the computer, cramming, then she believes she would have been able to complete her homework at home. The space for her homework would have been available and favourable to her task, much like her office is. And just like the presence of her daughter interrupted her work while in her workspace, so too does the presence of her son interrupt her work while at home. Just as Claire's work does not have boundaries in that it does not solely exist within the confines of her workspace, so too do the needs of her family not exist solely within the home. It seems that the boundaries of work and family overlap in space and time. Work enters the home and the home space. Home enters the workspace. Each area seems to deem itself immediate and most important. And Claire experiences the stress of "trying to please" the demands of both.

Homework Time

With home being a common and necessary (by definition) homework space, how does the academic mother and wife experience her home time? The person who works nine to five or who works a job with set hours may look forward to coming home and having his or her time to do as he or she pleases. I have always looked forward to summer, especially during my university years, as summer has been a time in which I have not attended classes and have gained summer employment. Summer employment was a relief. I would arrive at work for a set time and I would leave at a set time. When I would leave, my mind would no longer have to focus on my job. To leave the workspace was to truly leave. To finish the work time was to truly finish.

This is not so for the woman who is academic, mother, and wife. Home time does not 151 necessarily mean hobby time, or family time. It often means homework time—work as mother, work as wife, and work as academic.

So we just come home from school, have dinner with our kids, play with them, read them stories, help them with their homework, whatever. Then when we put them to bed we just do homework. (Ellen Young)

We (academics) always have homework .... I will answer emails at midnight, but when she (her daughter) was, up until now, up till this year, and she has had homework, my first priority is to sit down with her and help her with her homework. Which is why I would do my stuff after she went to bed. Which means I would start at nine-thirty until midnight. (Devon James)

Both Ellen and Devon discuss their home time as both family and homework time. For both of them, their work of the home duties come first. They feed their families, play, help them with their homework, and then begin their own homework.

Home time seems somewhat divided amongst family responsibilities and homework responsibilities. And the family responsibilities are attended to first. Perhaps this is because of the space?

When in the home space, it may seem more congruent to do the home responsibilities than the work responsibilities. Only once the home responsibilities have been attended to does the incongruency lessen. Such an understanding for the need of congruency between one's behaviours and beliefs has been well-documented by social psychologist Leon Festinger (1959). In his theory of cognitive dissonance,

Festinger states that a distressing mental state is experienced when one engages in a behaviour that is incongruent with one's beliefs. Festinger hypothesized that people attempt to decrease dissonance in a number of ways: by avoiding information that may increase dissonance, by seeking information to reassure one's behaviour, and by receiving justification for one's behaviour. Perhaps, even though the academic mother is well-aware that her work requires homework time, the academic mother chooses to

attend to her family responsibilities first because they seem more congruent to her when in her home space and home time? When I call my mother at work, she may often say, "I'm working right now. We'll talk about this later" -meaning, when she gets home. To work while on work time is congruent. To play and eat and spend time with one's family when on home time is also congruent. To do homework on home time seems only congruent once a necessary amount of time has been spent doing the other, more congruent, home activities. And this homework time is often once the children are in bed. Thus, while other parents may be winding down for the evening, the woman who is academic and mother is often just beginning to enter her homework time.

No, I do bring work home and I always bring home more work than I actually do. "I'll do this tonight," and then I very often don't. I always bring work home even if I'm teaching a night class and I'm not leaving here till nine o'clock at night. I always have something in my bag to work on that I bring home. And that is a carry-over from when the girls were little because I always had something that I could do at home in case something went wrong the next day and I couldn't go to work. So that was very deliberate at that time. You know, just in case the situation gets fouled up at all and I'm not able to get to work when I think I want to be at work. I have work at home that I can do. And it just got to be a habit. I pretty much do that without thinking. But I do work at home. Less than I used to. When I was writing my dissertation, I was really careful. I got to realize what I could do at what time. So there were, when you need those big conceptual blocks of time, the girls had to be at daycare. I needed a chunk of time. But there were things I could do at night if they went to bed at nine o'clock or so. If they were in bed by nine, there were things I could do from nine to eleven. I could do some editing, I could do some low-level revising. I couldn't do any of the conceptual work. I couldn't do first draft writing. So as soon as I became more aware of my own writing processes, I was able to work more efficiently .... And now I find I need just, that I'm not as able to work .... I'm just more tired and I work longer hours now. I used to work shorter hours in order to get home, get dinner at an earlier hour. For Mia Cameron, bringing homework home is something she does, "without thinking." It has become automatic for her, a habit, as she states. And it is also,

"deliberate." How can someone do something, "without thinking" and yet also do it,

"deliberately?" The idea of doing something deliberately connotes an active choice, an awareness of one's behaviour. It is planned and intentional. When Mia's children were young, she actively chose to bring homework home should she have to stay home the next day due to a child's illness. This action was calculated and organized. Lest she fall behind in her work, she was always prepared to do work at home if that was what the family required of her. Thus, her children's sick time could be her homework time.

Even the time at which Mia left work was determined by her family's needs. Getting home earlier in order to make dinner at an earlier hour was priority. The close of work-time was determined by the family's dinnertime. And their bedtime then determined her homework time. For Mia, bringing homework home, no matter the hour, has become a habit that requires no thought to carry out. This action has moved from being a conscious and planned choice to being an automatic behaviour.

It seems that Mia's homework time flexes according to the age and needs of her family. When her children were young, her homework time occurred once they had gone to bed. When her children were of daycare age, she used daycare time for homework time. Mia realized that homework time was only productive when certain conditions were met. Just as Devon James finds the kitchen table, "full of stuff and therefore an unproductive space, so too does Mia Cameron find certain times of the day, "always full of stuff' and therefore not useful. For conceptual work, a more uni- focus is needed. For Devon, this means completing homework in the space of the dining room table. For Mia, it means finding times when her family's distractions are

few. For "low-level" thought homework, night-time was the opted homework time.

And lately, Mia finds that she cannot keep these late-night hours of homework time as

she used to. She is aware of a level of fatigue that prevents her from keeping her late- night vigils.

It seems that homework time can be described in a number of ways. It is a time of fatigue. It is a time of stress. It is also a shared time. It is a chosen a time; a calculated and negotiated time. It is negotiated between dinner and friends and family and child minding. The academic mother's homework time may also be her child's homework time. It often occurs late in the evening, and may also occur in the day, should child sickness or child minding keep the academic mother at home. It can occur at the same time at which the baby is in a Jolly Jumper or late at night when the children are in bed. It is a time with time limits and limits to its structure. It is a time that depends upon the timing of others. It also depends upon the mother's body and mind.

And what is homework time not? Homework time is not necessarily a time of silence and solitude. It is not a time of being disconnected from one's family. It is not a time over which one has complete control. Homework time does not occur during family mealtime or socializing time. In fact, often homework time and space are dismantled in order to carry out these family activities.

For the academic mother and wife, homework time does seem to flex according to her family's needs. The family's needs seem to have little concern for accommodating the mother's homework demands. As a result, the experience can be one of stress and fatigue. Interestingly enough, the experience may also be one of togetherness. How does one experience a sense of togetherness when various demands exist within the same time and space? As both Val Jeffries and Ellen Young describe, the academic mother may experience homework as an opportunity for sharing, helping, and family development. There may be a sense of "working together." This may promote a sense of closeness among the members who share in this experience.

Homework is a reality for the academic, and uniquely so for the woman who is academic, mother, and wife who returns home to the work of the home and to the space and time of her homework. For many, the kitchen table is a space that symbolizes her experience of juggling home space and home time with her homework.

There is another space that also seems to speak loudly of this woman's experience of juggling; that is, the space of her bag.

Something In My Bag

It's a common party game, especially among baby and wedding showers,

"What's in Your Bag/Purse?" A piece of paper is given on which is listed numerous items that one may find in her purse: lipstick, clippers, cell phone, etc. Points are awarded for each item. The more items one is carrying that are on the list, the more points one earns, and the more likely one is to win the game. As I write this dissertation I consider what is now in my bag. There is the usual: a Daytimer, wallet, and keys. And there is the not-so-usual, yet becoming more and more usual: a book on writing phenomenology, a phenomenologically written dissertation that's been published into a book, and a pen and a pad for spontaneous ideas. The items of my bag have changed as I have entered into this writing process.

The items speak of my current activities, and of my current undertakings. They speak of my focus and of what I need to have only a reach away. My items tell on me. They tell something about who I am and what I am doing. As I packed a different bag for my floor hockey game last night, my book on writing phenomenology was not in there. Rather, I had my indoor shoes, shin pads, and water bottle. No pad of paper. No reading material. My purpose last night was completely different, and thus, the contents of my bag were completely different.

The bag represents a space that represents who I am. It is something I carry with me nearly everywhere I go. It therefore contains items that I believe I need to have with me on a regular, consistent basis. They are the high-demand items; the items that I feel cannot leave my side without putting me in a bind. These are items that best fit the numerous parts of my self.

I Google the idea, "Game about what's in your purse" and over one million results register. I scroll through a couple of them and find one that asks women to look in their purses at this moment and to blog what they find. Several responses catch my attention:

I have three straws and a fork from Wendy's in my purse. Never know when you might need one of those . .. !

I found a Ziploc bag with my 10 year old's tooth in it! YUCK!

(www.clubmom.com)

Before looking to see that this website is actually one for moms, I knew that moms had written these comments. The items in their purses told me so. The website address confirms my assumption, Clubmom. Melanie Parker and her son arrive at the Drop-in Centre. Melanie's day is busy, and her childcare arrangements have fallen through; thus, Sammy is being dropped off. Upon arrival, Sammy quickly notices that all the children are in costume.

It's Superhero Day. One child addresses Sammy's mom, "He can't come in here! He's not a Superhero!" "Oh ya? You guys sure about that," Melanie replies? Sammy and

Melanie proceed into the centre where they find a classmate of Sammy's, Maggie, and her father. Maggie is also in need of a costume. "Looks like we need two superheroes," Melanie exclaims! The music begins, "Mamma Said There'll Be Days

Like This," and the next scene shows Melanie going through her bag, looking for anything that can be used for a costume. She pulls out shoulder pads, a red shirt, a cosmetic bag, packing tape, a foil thermal blanket, a lint brush, compact mirror, gel eye pack, and sunglasses. As she pulls each item from her purse, one can infer that her mind is calculating how to incorporate each object into a child's costume. The scene changes to show both Sammy and Maggie fully decked in superhero apparel.

Maggie's father turns to Melanie and asks, "Where do you get a bag like that?"

This scene from the film, One Fine Day (Obst, 1996), is a telling portrayal of how Melanie's bag reveals different parts of who she is. Melanie is a mother. She is also a career woman. Her bag reflects both of these aspects. Later in the film, Melanie pulls from this same bag a breakfast muffin for Maggie, and her son's rain jacket.

Melanie, as mother, is prepared. She is prepared for the hungry child. She is prepared for the rainstorm after the soccer game. She is prepared for impromptu costume making. Her bag is instrumental in making this happen. It is a large bag; one that can fit numerous contents of varied shapes and textures. It is the bag of a mother. It is also the bag of a career woman. When late for an important meeting,

Melanie freshens her make-up while in the backseat of a taxi. Her bag is fully equipped for this situation. She changes her top twice, as she experiences the spills and accidents of being with her son and being at work at the same time. Where does one get a bag such as this?

And what about the mom who is an academic and wife? Would the items of her bag tell on her? What statement would this space speak? Would there be plastic forks, or papers to mark, or both? How does this space tell me more about the experience of such women? And what combinations might be found as one embarks on this exploration?

The automatic combination.

When I take him to the doctor or something, he'll bring a book and I'll bring someone's thesis to mark up (Ellen Young).

I always have something in my bag to work on .... I pretty much do that without thinking (Mia Cameron).

The statements from mothers on Clubmom tell us something about their experiences as mother. As a woman without children, I believe that I have never had straws and a fork in my bag, let alone a child's tooth. These are not the items that would serve me. These items would not best fit with who I am. The statements of

Ellen Young and Mia Cameron also tell us something about their experiences of being mother. They tell us something about being mother and academic. Both women, as mothers and academics, have something in their bags that tells themselves and others that they are academics. They carry something in their bags to, "mark up" or, "work on." As academics, they want to be prepared for moments in which they could make progress on their work. As mothers, they must be ready at all times, for one never knows when she may be sitting, waiting for her child. These opportunities are goldmines for academic mothers.

For Mia, bringing work with her has become something that she does, "without thinking." It has become automatic for her, pretty much natural. To develop a habit, one must set about to consciously and intentionally do something. It takes effort to accomplish this. It requires mindfulness and awareness. It is a repeated process of choosing, forgetting, reminding oneself, and doing. At times, it requires strongly focusing on what it is that one wants to do in order to accomplish it. At other times, it demands forcing yourself to follow through. One needs only to reflect on the myriad of exercise programs available to be reminded of the difficulty in making a habit.

People set out with good intentions and positive mindsets only to find that they struggle one week later. For Mia Cameron, "always" having academic work with her is a given.

One is not aware of the process that brought Mia to this place, as she does not discuss it. One can imagine that it may have involved an experience or two in which she found herself waiting for her family or children and thinking that she could be using this time productively. It is interesting to note that, for the woman who is academic and mother, to use waiting time productively is to use it as academic. Of course, there are many other ways in which Mia could use such time; however, to be academic in those opportunities is the "without thinking" response.

At times when the child is taken care of and occupied, the woman who is academic and mother can be academic freely. She has fulfilled her responsibilities as mother for the time being. She has provided the necessary transportation for her child.

The self as mother is satisfied and the self as academic is given room. There is no competition between the two. Perhaps the self as academic holds a level of respect for the self as mother and knows that the needs of the self as mother must first be addressed in order for the self as academic to be addressed? The self is comprised of these various fabrics. It holds them together, respectful of each fabric, its strength, and its ability to twist and pull. It appears that the self as mother requires primary care in order for the self as academic to be attended to.

So my son goes to this tutor. So I took him to this tutor and he was, he had done some homework and the tutor was helping him edit the homework. And I had to drive him to his tutor appointment, plus I wanted to sit there and watch what the tutor appointment was. But I didn't want to be, like watching him 'cause then he's not, you know sitting there like, "What are you doing? Do you know the answer? Let me help you." I wanted him to interact with the tutor. So I had my own work and I'm marking it up and I'm like, "Oh I'm editing mine and you're editing yours." ... It was very good and actually my son was even like, "Oh you mean, you have to edit it too?"

For the woman who is academic and mother, the trip to her child's tutor may be a different experience than for the woman who is not academic. The woman who is not academic may bring with her a magazine or leisurely book to read. She may choose to organize her Daytimer or return calls on her cell phone. The woman who is academic and mother may also engage in such activities, and there also appears to be another area to which the academic mother must focus first.

Ellen Young wants to be there with her son while he attends his tutoring appointment. She, as mother, drives him, sits with him, and watches him. She is interested as mother regarding her son's progress and current level of ability. She wants to be informed and available. And so, she accompanies him as an interested and invested mother.

Ellen is also aware that being there and observing too closely may negatively impact her son's attention. She is sensitive to this and comes prepared. No, she does not bring a magazine to read. She does not bring a novel. She does not choose to use the time for daydreaming. Ellen, as academic, knows the importance of such time slots of opportunity. She knows that a half-hour or one-hour appointment is valuable time.

She knows what she can accomplish and how she can progress when afforded such an opening. When given the prospect of a significant amount of time, Ellen knows what to bring. In her bag, she carries papers to mark and her marking pen. This is an opportune moment in which to attend to her responsibilities as academic while being responsible as mother.

Ellen can focus on her marking because she knows that rather than distracting her son and his process, she is aiding him. To focus too closely on her son would be to impede his learning. To not attend at all would be irresponsible as mother. Ellen combines attending as mother with marking as academic and finds the experience to be valuable. Even her son realizes the usefulness in such a combination and comments, "Oh you mean, you have to edit too?" Ellen's son senses a similarity between himself and his mother. It is their schoolwork that binds them. It is the experience of having to edit that draws them together. Ellen's son is not alone in his task. He is not separate from his mother. They share this assignment. By using this opportunity to combine these two aspects of her self, Ellen is able to form a bond of sameness with her son, "I'm editing mine and you're editing yours." It is almost as if Ellen is telling her son, "Look, we're the same. We're doing the same thing. It's not so bad."

To be the same is to experience a level of comfort with who one is and with what one is doing. There often is awkwardness in being different and unique. It requires a strength within to be at ease with one's differences from others. To be the same is to be normal and accepted. It is to fit in. One only has to consider such social psychological constructs as peer pressure (Milgram, 1964), self-monitoring (Snyder,

1974), and group polarization (Moscovici & Zavalloni, 1969) to be reminded of the power of wanting sameness.

"Well, how do you like them," said Marilla? Anne was standing in the gable room, looking solemnly at three new dresses spread out on the bed .... "I'll imagine that I like them," said Anne soberly .... "They're—they're not— pretty," said Anne reluctantly.

. .. "I'd be ever so much gratefuller if—if you'd made just one of them with puffed sleeves. Puffed sleeves are so fashionable now. It would give me such a thrill, Marilla, just to wear a dress with puffed sleeves." "Well, you'll have to do without your thrill. I hadn't any material to waste on puffed sleeves. I think they are ridiculous-looking things anyhow. I prefer the plain, sensible ones."

"But I'd rather look ridiculous when everybody else does than plain and sensible all by myself," persisted Anne mournfully. Lucy Maud Montgomery's, Anne of Green Gables, p. 61-62.

Here, as a girl of 13, Anne values sameness above sensibility. How many can relate to such a yearning? I recall times in my childhood when I better endured punishment, knowing that my brothers too were being punished, "Misery loves company." We were sharing a similar state. We were confined to our separate rooms, not having fun. We shared in our distress and therefore I was not alone. This sameness brought comfort. It also provided a bond between my brothers and I. At times, we would knock on the wall between us so as to heighten our awareness of our connectedness. We were enduring a similar fate, and though separated by space, we were together.

Ellen's son senses this connection. He and his mother are connected through their tasks of editing. This sameness provides a productive homework environment for them both. To have homework in her bag while her child is doing his own homework, is advantageous for mother and academic, and son. The experience for Ellen is one of feeling responsible, helpful, connected, and productive. What better combination could there be? To utilize her time in such a manner proves to be profitable for all.

The woman who is academic and mother cannot forgo such useful opportunities.

Recognized by the contents.

Anytime you're flying, you see all the academics pull them out. And that's why we need three weeks minimum to read because it's always in your other time when you're not in your office time .... I just was in Victoria, and she had sent, I had a chapter with me. I'd been reading chapter by chapter, I'm the co-supervisor on that one .... So I got to the airport. Always an hour beforehand. Checked in and sat down in the lounge and started reading .... I always have a pen. A good pen that I like. And started reading and flipping . .. And in that half hour I got the first four or five pages done and then put it in my bag, and they call you, and you go into the airplane and get settled. The trays stay up till you're airborne. So I have it on my lap and as soon as it's all clear, I put the thesis on the tray and I continue on. And that just happens. If I'm fortunate enough to have an empty seat, even better. I always have a paper and pen and a water bottle ... and then I just go. I did. Victoria's not a long trip unfortunately. And I read all the way through to the airport. And I still wasn't finished 'cause it's 100 pages long, and I ticked where I had got to. Then once I had landed, then it sat.

A person may be recognized in many ways. One may recognize another because of a facial or physical feature. One may be recognized because of gait, stance, or mannerisms. I have recognized friends in crowds, before seeing them, because I hear their laugh or voice. One perceives a characteristic and it registers as belonging to

a certain person who he or she knows. It registers because it fits with what one knows

of the other. According to Yvonne Olson, one of the ways in which academics are

recognized is by the contents of their bags, in particular, during travel. While others

are turning on their Ipods, choosing their snacks, or perusing the contents of the pouch

in front of them, academics are pulling out their papers. Just as Ellen Young finds the pocket of time afforded her at her son's tutoring session too advantageous to not use,

so too does Yvonne find opportunity in her flight time. Yvonne is guaranteed hours in which she can work as academic. She can give focused, undivided attention to this part that calls her.

The time on the airplane is "other time," and it is within it that Yvonne finds it best to do her academic work. No one will call her. No one will demand anything of her. Other time is so labelled because it has not yet been spoken for. It has no, specific owner. It is not officially work time, nor is it family time. It could be a time of many things: self-care time, relaxation time, personal reading time, letter writing time, etc.

Other time is a sort of "Free Parking" in which Yvonne is the sole chooser of its events. There are no responsibilities as mother to which she can currently attend.

There are no family expectations of her, other than that she completes her flight successfully. Her self as mother is not needed at this time. When given this pocket of time with no label other than "Other," Yvonne chooses to spend it as academic. She does not choose to spend it resting or socializing. She does not elect a leisurely purpose. When the woman who is academic, mother, and wife has an opening of time for which no one has spoken, it seems that the academic self emerges. Unlike her office space, the airplane gives Yvonne solitude. In this way, the airplane is the ultimate office, for it allows her as academic to focus completely on one task. She is guaranteed lack of disruption without having to post any, "Do Not

Disturb" sign or without having to re-route her calls. She does not need to close a door to convey the desire to be left alone. Her cell phone cannot ring. This is probably one of the few places in which it is turned off. She states, "as soon as it's all clear, I put the thesis on the table and continue on." Until what is, "all clear?" Yvonne waits for the plane to clear the runway and for her space to be clear. She waits for all passengers to be seated, for the safety instructions to be given, for the plane to be in flight, and for her space to achieve a sense of calm. It is in the condition of this space that Yvonne can now give her undivided attention to the thesis before her.

The mentioned contents of Yvonne's bag are highly similar to those of

Emma's bag. Both bring academic material, whether it is a thesis to read, papers to mark, or work to edit. Both bring the necessary writing equipment to complete the task. As Yvonne states, "I always have a pen. A good pen that I like." One does not want to be engaged for a period of time in a task with an uncomfortable writing apparatus. Something about having, "a good pen" makes the process more comfortable. It makes the task more enjoyable perhaps, and likely less bothersome.

The experience of flying, for the woman who is academic, is one of academic pursuits.

My flight home is an hour and a half, with a forty-minute connection in Vancouver, and I have packed my carry-on bag thoughtfully. "One hour of unwind time," I think to myself. I board the plane and do not place my carry-on in the overhead compartment, but rest it at my feet for easy access. I am pleased with myself for having such a light carry-on. I see others with large suitcases, trying to cram them into the overhead containers, and I am thankful to have a much easier experience. I sit, fasten my seatbelt, and open 166 my bag. I reach for my magazine, water, and snack, and position myself comfortably in my seat. I tell myself to look up and watch the other passengers board, as I do not want to make too much headway in my magazine and find that I have nothing to read for the last half of the flight. I force myself to close the magazine as we take off, watching through the window and taking in the scene. Finally, once in the air, I permit myself to open the magazine once again. I am now officially in flight. I can now enter the vacation headspace of my magazine.

This flight home is experienced in vacation mode. I do not feel pressure to read any, specific material. I do not feel obligated to progress through a certain task. I feel no guilt as I close my eyes and let myself unwind during the flight. This flight is one of rest and relaxation. It is one of enjoyment. I have given myself permission to simply take pleasure in the experience. I take pride in the light load of my carry-on bag and in the simplicity in which I travel. I feel thankful to not have my head buried in some task. Even before the plane takes off the business people are reading their morning papers, making last-minute text messages on their phones, and shutting off their cell phones. They are in their ties and suits. They order their coffee. I love not being them in this moment. I love reaching for the fashion magazine I purchased at the convenience store just before the flight and flipping through the first few pages. I love knowing that my flight is not a time for work; but rather, it is a time for relaxation. It is a time in which I begin to enter the holiday mode. That is my sole obligation; that, and to draw out my reading experience as long as possible. While the academic aims to read as much material as possible during a flight, the vacationer seeks to ration her reading. I have experienced the "buried head" kind of flight before, and am very content with my current process. For Yvonne, and other academics like her, flight time is academic time. It is grading, marking, and editing time. It is a time to make advancement in one's academic work. To sit for hours and to not focus on her homework would feel like a misuse of her time. It may even create feelings of guilt. Yvonne is aware of her deadlines and of the task on which she has embarked. Two hours is too long to not work. And so, she has packed her bag accordingly. Rather than being a portal into holiday land, this flight is one that represents potential hours of concentrated homework time.

The time ends with the ending of the flight, "once I had landed then it sat."

With the ending of the flight comes the ending of her completely controlled space.

Back into the midst of answering multiple calls goes Yvonne. Her secluded space disappears.

A diaper bag and a thesis.

I brought my (baby) to a thesis defence once. I was on the student's committee and I had the baby and I was on maternity leave, and my husband was working, so I thought, "Well I don't see why we should go to these great lengths to have him look after the baby, and if (she) needs to be fed he'll have to get me or we'll have to get a bottle, or all this." (She) was quite young. So I just went, "Well," to the student and the supervisor, "It's your choice. You can replace me on the committee or I'll come. I have no problem coming, but I'm going to bring the baby with me." And I'd known the student for quite a long time. I'd been on his, he was a PhD student, I'd been on his committee right from the very beginning. And he felt that he wanted me there as part of the committee because I'd been there all along. So he said, "That's fine. Bring the baby." So I did it. I brought (her) to the thesis defence. And it was good. It wasn't a problem. Fed (her) when (she) needed to be fed. Changed (her) when (she) needed to be changed. Sat there and it was fine.

... A diaper bag and a thesis .... I probably would've had two backpacks instead of one. One would've been the baby backpack and one would've been my normal backpack. I don't carry a briefcase. I carry a backpack. I have a work backpack. I don't think I combine them too often. I would've had two, kept them separate probably, 'cause then it gets too confusing... I don't remember having diapers ever stuck in the bottom of my regular backpack.

Madeline Cote is needed as mother. Her baby is young and nursing and only she can provide what her baby needs. The idea of making arrangements with her husband to look after their child and to have bottles prepared is not an appealing one.

She is on maternity leave and she is called as academic. Before she can answer her call as academic, she must first consider her call as mother and address those needs. Her student and the supervisor are given a choice, "replace me ... or I'll come ... but I'm going to bring the baby with me." Madeline gives no option to answer her academic call without her child. She will either attend with her child or not at all. Madeline is not willing to set aside her self as mother in order to be academic in this situation. To answer the call as mother comes first. Once she is able to do this, she can then answer the call as academic. The self as academic gives to the self as mother.

Madeline arrives prepared for the responsibilities that will be demanded of her.

Two bags are required. She brings her "normal backpack" and the "baby backpack."

The normal backpack is the one that, "(conforms) to a type, standard, or regular pattern" (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/normal). This normal backpack and its contents match with the contents of other academics. It carries the thesis, writing instruments, books, etc. It is the bag that is normal for the academic. It is the bag that the academic is expected to carry. The bag's contents fit with the person who is academic. The thesis in the bag is a given for the academic. As Yvonne Olson stated, "... you see all the academics pull them out." The woman who is academic, mother, and wife carries this bag. She carries this symbol of her academic self. However, Madeline takes something else as well. One shoulder holds the load

of two, separate bags. Madeline is academic and she is mother. She has a bag to represent each of these aspects of her self. The other bag on her shoulder is the "baby backpack." This is the bag in which diapers, clothes, Vaseline, lotion, and Wet Ones

are carried. This is the bag whose contents address her responsibilities as mother. To

attend a thesis defence as a mother with a new baby, is to attend with two, separate bags.

And they are separate. They are rarely combined. Never has Madeline found a diaper mixed in with her academic work. The two, separate bags represent an attempt to keep these two aspects apart, although one may think (having read the above description) that they could never be more connected. These two parts of the self can only be combined to a degree before it feels, "too confusing." Within the comfort zone of her self, Madeline can attend a thesis defence, listen to the discussion, feed her baby, contribute to the discussion, ask questions, change her baby's diaper, offer insight, hold and rock her baby, and evaluate the student's knowledge and product.

This is a combination with which the self is comfortable. To reach for a pen and find a diaper is not a combination with which Madeline thinks she can function well. In keeping the bags separate, Madeline is able to offer herself a sense of control and of being organized. She can operate as mother and academic at the same time, and only to a certain degree. Beyond this, Madeline fears she would become confused.

These aspects of her self must remain clear to an extent. They must maintain their uniqueness and separateness from one another. To have them too overlapped would be to lose clarity. The self binds together its parts while maintaining each part's distinctiveness. It allows parts of her self to be together and apart, attached and disconnected. Madeline knows when the combination is comfortable and when it is being pushed too far. She is respectful of this. She knows that ignoring the message would be self-sabotage.

Does the woman who is academic, mother, and wife always adhere to this message of her self? Does she follow it completely and never sway? Or are there times and circumstances in which she finds one part of her self pulling harder than what the other parts of her self can handle? What occurs then? Can there be a split in the self?

Can the parts of the self ever pull away from each other and the self that binds them?

What might such an experience be like? What is it like for the woman who is academic, mother, and wife to constantly try to combine and juggle and to find herself, at times, torn? Chapter 7: Torn

Between the Shoulds and the Shouldn 'ts

The teacher sent home a letter saying, "You should pick your children up for lunch. You shouldn't leave your children at school for lunch because they won't eat healthily."

... Definitely some of the teachers, "Oh your kid goes to 'after school.' Oh, okay, that's the problem." Because there's not so many kids in that school that go to "after school." Most of them, their mothers pick them up right at three-thirty.

Ellen Young

For many women who are academics and mothers, after-school programs are a reality. The academic woman may not yet be available as mother when her child's school has ended for the day. There is therefore some need of after-school assistance.

Ellen Young is aware of a comparison made between her self as mother and others who are mothers and not academics. The mothers who are not academics, it seems, are able to pick up their children at the necessary time. They are able to make the arrangements in their schedules. They are able to be right at three-thirty, as opposed to wrong at five o'clock. Ellen feels a pull to be mother as other non-academic mothers are. She feels a pull to be on time and available. When she is not, it is implied that she is less as mother. Ellen is at times torn between being an academic and being a, "like the others" mother. She feels a pull towards excelling in her work and excelling as mother. There are times when being like the other mothers who are not academics is what she wants and it is not possible. It is during those times that Ellen Young feels the pressure of being torn.

"I don't know what to do," one hears another say, "I'm so torn." This person is trying to make an important decision. She has considered the pros and cons of each option and is unsure of what she will decide. She wants certain positives that stem from one option, and likes the negatives that are avoided with another option. What will she choose? How will she decide? Perhaps she will consider what is most important to her—to gain a positive or to avoid a negative—and base her decision on that? Perhaps she will let someone else decide for her? Perhaps she will choose to not choose between the two and let things fall as they may?

Ellen Young receives a letter from her child's teacher that questions a decision that Ellen has made as mother. The letter attempts to make Ellen feel guilty for leaving her child at school during lunch in the hopes of affecting her behaviour. Ellen is an academic who is not available to pick up her child at lunch; yet, she is still expected to be a mother as other, non-academic mothers are able to be. There is a pull to being a different kind of mother. Ellen tries to balance this with her self as academic and the pull that it carries.

Ellen experiences various attempts of others to try to make her feel guilty for the decisions she has had to make as an academic and mother. She has to leave her child at school during lunch. She is not able to be there for her child immediately after school and must send him to the after-school program. "Oh, that's the problem," others tell her. Efforts are made to pull Ellen away and towards. She experiences this push-and-pull. The self can handle a certain amount of this. It is flexible while being torn so that it does not tear.

I am hesitant to put my duvet cover in the washing machine. I have sewn this cover and am not sure how its seams will withstand the twisting and turning of the washing process. I used various fabrics to make up this blanket. There are strong, sturdy fabrics, and soft, tender ones. I take hold of the blanket and lightly tug on the seam between one section of upholstery fabric and one section of fine linen. I watch as the seam is pulled, noticing the tension placed on the lighter fabric. I see the thread pulling hard on the linen and envision it ripping apart in the washing machine. I stop and put down the duvet cover, not certain if I am willing to risk the wholeness of the blanket for the sake of a wash.

The verb, to tear means, "to separate parts of or pull apart by force" (http:// www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/tearf3]). It is, "to divide or disrupt by the pull of contrary forces" and, "to separate on being pulled." The word originates from the

Old English word teran—to pull apart, and the Old High German word zeran—to destroy (http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=tear&searchmode=none). One may tear at or tear into something. One may also tear asunder and tear apart. One can tear and one can feel torn.

To feel torn is to feel discomfort when the parts of one's self are wanting different, and sometimes opposite things. To be torn is to be in the midst of the forces of contrary desires. The feeling of being torn precedes the actual act of tearing. Being torn is a fear of a tear actually occurring and it is also the result of a tear. To be torn is to feel these opposite forces pulling within my self. It is not to say necessarily that one part of the self has actually ripped away from another. Rather, it is to say that one knows that if a decision is not made soon, a tear will occur. Thus, one feels torn and may try to prevent a tear from happening.

One can tear and one can also have a tear. To have a tear is to suffer the damage of being torn. Each of these words—damage, destroy, and disrupt—are used to communicate the meaning of this word. There is a sense of negativity in these words; a sense of hardship. These words do not bring about a wanting for their experience. One does not experience a tear or being torn as a positive occurrence; instead, one experiences them as a struggle and a fight. Not often are such experiences welcomed.

What does a person do when there are simultaneous desires or responsibilities that compete for her attention? Does she try to engage in both activities at once?

Perhaps she tries to figure out an order in which both can be accomplished though not at the same time? What happens when one would like to commit to two responsibilities and cannot? How does one choose to which activity she commits?

What is it like once one has made the decision and is acting it out? Are there regrets, times of second-guessing, doubts, or attempts to validate one's decision? When presented with competing responsibilities or interests, what process does one go through to make a decision? What is this experience like of having to choose between two desired, or at least two necessary things?

The self allows for a certain amount of push and pull, of flexibility, and of strain. It withstands pressure from one aspect of the self so as to maintain a connection with its other aspects. What does the woman who is academic, mother, and wife experience when this push-pull occurs? What is the experience within her self when certain responsibilities seem to call louder or pull harder than the other aspects of the self? Are there ever times when this woman feels as though she is being pulled apart; times in which one part of the self is ripping itself away from the other parts? How does she experience this? The self acts to maintain connection between its fabrics.

And as fabrics, can they ever be torn?

The only problem was getting to that damn after-school care by five o'clock. The little child with his snow clothes on. It was just (near the university). So all I had to do was tear out of this office, tear out of the building. And if I were in a car, I could get there in three minutes. And if I were walking I could get there in about seven minutes. Just run like hell to get there at five with the child, with his little gloves and snowsuit on, looking out the window like that (motions child pressing face and hands up against the window, looking out). That was awkward .... This image will never leave me—the little child in the window with the mitts on .... To see the child like this (repeats gesture)! Oh it was just awful, 'cause he was the last one there! It was like two minutes after five. You were supposed to be charged. You know, "Oh, we're going to charge you five dollars for every minute that you're late." It's like, it wasn't the money. It's that they were upset. And I know it was upsetting my child. So he's like feeling abandoned. And I just, I just felt terrible. But it was one of those things. Look at your watch every minute, "I gotta leave, I gotta leave!"

And from then on, I just made sure that I would just say, "Look, I'm really sorry I have to go pick up my child." I just, I thought, "It only happened once." 'Cause it wasn't going to happen again!

Val Jeffries is at her office at the university. She is busily trying to complete her work before needing to pick up her child at his after-school program. She is competing with time. She is also competing within her self. Her self as academic is competing with her self as mother. Val's experience of being torn is one of a warring within her members. Her academic work is pulling her one way—to stay at her office and to try to finish. Her need to pick up her child is pulling her another way—to leave her office and to be on time. To be torn is to be pulled in varying directions, towards different things and away from something.

To be torn is to feel pressure. "That damn after-school care" program has demands and these demands do not necessarily fit with Val's academic self. These demands pull Val away from her academic responsibilities. Such a pull, at this time, is not welcomed. Val is trying to appease the pressures of her self as mother and her self as academic. They pull one way and another. She needs to leave her desk and she is not ready to leave it. There is still work to do. Yet, her child is ready. Val's academic self is not. It is not ready to give in to the demands being placed on her self as mother.

Her watch reminds her of her responsibility as mother. She feels the pressure it exerts,

"I gotta leave, I gotta leave!" The mother reminds the academic "every minute." As each minute passes, the pressure mounts. Val is in the midst of the tug-of-war of being torn.

To be torn is often a prolonged experience. Val gives in to her academic self for as long as she can. She then realizes that she has given in too much. She "tears" out of her office and "tears" out of the building. She tears her self away from her academic work and its demands. This is not a peaceful parting. It is not one of calm and serenity. Val experiences pulling her academic self away with force, for it is only with force that such a tearing away will occur. Her self as mother is pulling hard and the self as academic gives way. She runs "like hell" away from the academic and towards her child. Her experience is thus because she did not give way to her responsibilities as mother when she had the necessary time. Now that she has pushed beyond what is safe, she is pulled drastically.

She arrives at the after-school care stressed and hurried, to see her child standing at the window, alone, looking for her. She feels "just awful," for her son is

"feeling abandoned." Her son is the last child remaining. He is alone, waiting for his mother. Val has to abandon her self as academic in order to attend as mother to her son. She feels "terrible" for being late. She is late because she was torn between her self as academic and her self as mother, and she decides too late to let the pull of mother overpower the pull of academic. This happens only once for Val. Only once does she have to experience this

sense of making the wrong decision, of pushing too long, before she knows that it isn't

"going to happen again." She realizes in this experience that it is not worth giving in to the pull of academic over the pull of mother. It is not worth putting her self in a position where she is over time and must therefore tear her self away. It feels "awful" and "terrible" and the experience is one that she is certain will never leave her.

I'm standing along side my friend, helping prepare our Saturday afternoon dinner. As my friend is talking about her daughter, her phone alarm goes off. "Oh where's my phone," she says aloud? "That's a strange ring," I tell her. "It's not ringing," my friend informs me. "It's the alarm I've set so that when I'm at work I'm reminded that this is the time at which I have to go pick up the kids." "You need an alarm for that," I ask? "No," she states, "It just gives me an excuse to leave if I'm in the middle of a conversation. You know, 'Oh, I have to get this, excuse me.'" I laugh at my friend's system. "That's crazy," I tell her. "It works," she informs me.

Because it can be awkward and sometimes difficult to end a conversation while at work, my friend has created a system whereby she can exit based on a feigned phone call. The ringing of her phone alarm gives her the opportunity to excuse herself from the conversation. It allows her to make a break. Rather than informing her co­ worker of her obligation as mother, she chooses to answer a fake phone call. This keeps her from having to share information about her responsibilities as mother. For some reason, this is an effective method. Is it believed that a responsibility as mother will not be respected while at the work place? Does this mother perceive that such an interruption would not be deemed valid or appropriate? Something about having to inform her co-worker that it is time for her to be mother makes my friend avoid this situation. One wonders, if she believed such a call would be understood then would she feel the need to conceal it? My friend has chosen this system so as to avoid being torn as Val Jeffries experiences. She has, no doubt, experienced something similar to

Val and has developed this system as her safety. Val chooses something different.

Since her experience, Val has made a change. She now chooses to inform the person with whom she is meeting of her responsibility as mother. Instead of the academic concealing this, it is now acknowledged, stated, and accepted. Val is now open with who she is as mother. This openness allows her to end her meetings as academic. Acknowledging and claiming who she is as mother helps her as academic, for now she operates within a less stressed timeframe. She identifies her reason for leaving instead of trying to push it as far as she can. Either Val does not share the same hesitations as my friend, or she has chosen to not humour them. Val chooses to be up front about being mother and in so doing, the need to "tear out" is avoided.

For Val, being torn is, "one of those things." As W.E.B. Du Bois states in his book, The Souls of Black Folks (1903), "One ever feels his twoness ... two unreconciled strivings; two warring ideals ... whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder" (http://www.quotesandpoem.com/quotes/showquotes/author

/w.-e.-b.-du-bois/35256). The feeling of being torn is ever felt. And while constantly torn, it is one's strength that keeps him or her from experiencing a tear. Being torn is,

"one of those things" of being academic and mother. It is, "one of those things" of having to attend to the needs of both. It is a given that when one is both academic and mother that one will experience being torn. It is part of the reality. It seems, to Val, to be an assumed part of her experience of who she is. She does not speak of it as unique.

She does not speak of it as rare. It seems almost ordinary, expected, and accepted. To be a woman who is academic and mother is to experience moments of being torn. But I would leave work early to try to pick them up at five. And that was my own deadline. Daycare was open till six. I just hated the thought of them being there till six. And they were in a really good daycare. It wasn't their problem. They were very happy at daycare. They didn't care whether I came or not at five-thirty. But it was for me that I wanted. So I would much rather leave work early, pick them up at daycare, get home get dinner started and then do work at night. Rather than work till a bit later and then not work at night. So I just chopped the day better that way.

Well it was always a conflict. It was always hard to walk out the door here 'cause you're always in the middle of things. You'd have to leave a conversation fairly abruptly or be kinda checking your watch and trying to get out of a conversation fairly quickly. So that was always difficult to do and I always felt the time pressure then.

Mia Cameron discusses the pressure that she places on herself to be a mother whose children are not the ones to be picked up at the close of daycare. Something about the thought of it being her children at the daycare until the end bothers her, in fact she hates it. What is it that she hates? She hates what it suggests? She hates what others may assume as a result? She hates what it says about her self as mother, that is,

"I'm too busy to pick up my children," or, "My children aren't important enough to me," or, "My work is more important than my children?" Mia hates even to think these things and states that, "it (is) for me" that she wants her children picked up earlier. Different than Val Jeffries' fear, for Mia, it is not because she fears her children will feel abandoned. It is not because her children will feel lonely and alone.

Mia admits that her children enjoy daycare and that it is not because she wants to keep them from any adverse consequences that she pressures herself for a five o'clock pick­ up. Mia admits that the five o'clock pick-up is for her. The five o'clock pick-up suggests, "I can do it," and, "I can be here for my children." Perhaps it serves as an indicator to Mia that she can be as good, if not better than some, working moms? It allows her to show her self and others that she does not need the full hours of the daycare. She does not need it for its full service. She is not that dependent on it as mother. As Ellen Young's account shows the pressure within and without to be mother at a certain level, Mia Cameron description also gives credence to this. These women are academics and they are mothers and they do not want to give the impression that being mother suffers because of being academic.

And so, they place pressure on their selves as academic and mother. Mia

"(chops) the day" so as to address the pull of each aspect of her self. She "chops" the day into pieces that she can then organize and attend. One wonders if, in order to chop her day into the "academic" section and the "mother" section, she must "chop" her self? Must her self allow its pieces to be separated? Is the self severed in such an action? Mia follows the pull as academic through her day until shortly before five o'clock. At this time, she allows the pull as mother to dominate and to lead her. This chop does not occur without it being felt. It is not an easy or fluid process. It is not one that smoothly glides from one aspect to the next. For Mia, "It was always hard." It was, "always difficult to do." What is it that made this transition difficult? Could it be that, like Ellen Young, the self as academic is not quite ready to let go of its pull and let the self as mother take over? Mia admits to always being in the middle of her academic call as opposed to the end of it when she has to leave it and answer her call as mother. It is not as though she had completely and fully addressed the call as academic; rather, this call would have to end abruptly—like a chop, or a tear.

Just as being torn is, "one of those things" for Val Jeffries, so is it "always felt" for Mia Cameron. The woman who is academic and mother constantly feels the 181 pressure within regarding who she "should" be as academic and who she "should" be

as mother. Many times, in order to be congruent with the "should" of one, she must

forsake the "should" of the other. One "should," as academic, stay and complete one's work. However, one "should," as mother, be available and on time to pick-up one's

children. Other academics stay beyond five o'clock to continue their work and research. Is that not the understood life of an academic? Is that not what the committed academic "should" do? Yet, other mothers are picking up their children on time so that their children are not at daycare or after-school until close. Other mothers are able to take their children home for lunch and feed them healthily. "Should not" the woman who is mother and academic also be expected to do the same?

It seems to always be a pressure to leave the pull of academic for the pull of mother. It is "always a conflict" to stop the work before its end and embark in a different direction. To be torn as academic and mother is to continually leave before completion. It is to "always" know that one is leaving something unfinished and to be reconciled with that existence. It is to struggle to merge the need for excelling academically with the need for excelling as mother.

To Be Torn Is To Sacrifice

It (the dissertation) was always on my mind. So it wasn't like I was totally freeing myself and just enjoying the summer with my kids. It was always in the back of my mind, "Okay, well when I get back there in September I gotta get this going, get that going. Okay, if I could just get this read." So it's always kinda nagging at me, there at the back. So then in that final year, I thought, "Okay, enough. Enough. I need to be totally committed to getting this done." ... Maybe at five o'clock one day you're really in the mode of writing, ideas are coming, words are coming together. It's flowing. You're feeling good about it. And it's like, "Oh my heavens, I've gotta get home. I've gotta make dinner. Gotta pick up the kids." So I had about a four-month period where pretty much, it was like, "Okay, if I call you, if I seem like I'm having a pretty good day, you may get a call..." to my husband, "... at three o'clock and it means I'm not coming home and I'll come home when I come home." And sometimes I would stay. I had a little space to work here on campus and I might be here till midnight. One time the family came and had dinner with me, not one time, but sometimes they'd pop by when I'd say, "Okay I need to take a break, but I don't want to come home. Say, do you wanna come here, have a bite to eat, and go back home?"

(Interviewee becomes tearful). It was emotional.... I guess I always felt that on one hand, was I being selfish to do that? You now, I know you can't live your life just for your children. I mean, lots of our parents do or did. But you know, I guess I didn't ever see myself as that type of woman that would just live for my children. And then when they went away I would live for my grandchildren. That kind of thing. I always did envision that I would have a career, even though my mother was not like that at all. She was a stay at home mom. And my sisters, they're mostly stay at home moms.

So I struggled a lot during that time, but I was determined. I really was determined to get this done. So I really didn't take much time off during that time at all. And didn't have any involvement at the school with the children, and by that time too, I think they were at three different schools because of what their ages were. And my daughter was dancing so she was at a special school. So it was just so spread out of where they each were. So then I just thought, "Well I'm not going to anything at any of the schools." I would try and go to their activities but that was about it. It was a very emotional time. It was hard to really convince myself that I was doing the right thing. But yet, I guess it was certainly one of the things that continued to motivate me, I mean how far that I'd come. And I thought, "Well how ridiculous to not see this through when I have put my children's lives probably at many times during that period, as much as I know I spent time with them, certainly there's lots of times that I wouldn't be spending with them, and I wouldn't be attentive. And I was stressed and busy. So I thought, "To have put them through that for six years and then to let this drag on more or not finish it.... " And I thought, "No! This is not the way the story's going to end."

For Claire Olson, the desire to further herself as an academic came with much cost. In her account, she tells of this time of losing her ability to connect with her children and to be present with her family. She struggles to enjoy her summer, as she constantly feels the pull of her academic work. The pull is so great that it impedes her summer experience. She speaks of having to withdraw from her children's school events and their activities. Dinner is often not spent at home with her family; rather, it is spent with her work. Only when her work permits can her family then come spend dinner with her. And even at that, it is done within the realm of her academic office.

Claire speaks of having, "to be totally committed" in order to accomplish this academic feat. She feels that she has to give all of her self to this one goal. She cannot continue to address the needs as mother and wife while attempting to realize this goal as academic. To finish the one, she must forsake the others. And this comes with a high price.

Claire is torn during her summer away from academic work, and in this way one may wonder if she is truly away? She is torn because while she is trying to be mother and wife, her self as academic is, "always on (her) mind." She is constantly thinking of the academic work she must do next. Her mind is always planning what its next steps as academic will be. Her self as academic is "nagging" her with what she

"should" and "shouldn't" be doing, "I gotta get this going ... if I could just get this

.... " Claire's self as academic seems to never be satisfied during this summer. It is never at rest. It is receiving too little attention and as a result, it is demanding much.

Often it is on that very thing that she does not wish to think or talk about that she finds herself dwelling. It seems as though the effort in trying to keep a thought from oneself is enough to keep the thought very close. How can one forget something when one is constantly reminding oneself to forget it? Is not this act an act of bringing to mind? I think of the many times in which I have stated that I do not wish to discuss a certain topic and then, in attempting to convey this message, I find myself talking about it. The subject carries a certain pull that is awakened with its mere mention. To name something is to call it forward whether one desires this or not.

My husband and I are putting on our shoes as we're preparing to leave our friend's home. The group has gathered at the top of the staircase and is chatting as we prepare to exit. "Thank you again for dinner and for the lovely afternoon," I tell our hosts. We exchange pleasantries and as I reach for the door handle one guest speaks, "Oh Danielle, you know I never asked you, what are you doing your dissertation on?" The friends who know me most laugh at his question. Immediately I feel a tightening in my stomach. In my mind I quickly assess my different options for answering the question and state, "You know, today I'm trying to take a break from it and so I'd really prefer to not talk about it. Ask me another day and I'll tell you." The guests seem shocked at my response. I myself am somewhat shocked at my boldness. I try to smile, wave, and exit.

On the way to the car I ask my husband, "Was that rude of me?" "I don't know, Dan," he states. "Well, what if I just don't want to talk about it? Do I have to talk about it just because someone asks me," I ask, more to myself than to him? I spend the car ride home talking about and wondering about my behaviour and whether or not it was polite. I resent that because of that one question, my dissertation has found a way into my rest day. Somehow it made its way in. I shake my head at the thought as we're driving down the highway, "It always does."

With the very mention of my dissertation, I find myself consumed with thoughts about it. On a day in which I had told myself I could take a break from thinking about it, writing about it, and talking about it, I find myself doing nearly all of those things. One innocent question, asked with politeness and interest, has brought to mind the very thing I am trying to forget. The name is brought forth and therefore my attempts to keep it from me are thwarted. It seems that no matter what one asserts, one cannot forget something that has been called to mind.

It is in this situation that Claire Olson finds her self as mother and wife struggling. Just as I was attempting to separate myself from my academic work on that day and could not, Claire is finding that her summer is passing in much the same way. Her self as academic continues to call her even when Claire very deliberately tells it,

"Do not disturb." It is almost as if the sending of this message increases the efforts of the academic self to be heard.

There is no peace for Claire. When she attempts to be mother and wife she is torn by thoughts of academic. When she attempts to be academic she is torn by thoughts of mother and wife. It seems that no one part of her self wants to be omitted.

No one part wants to be forgotten or put aside. Each part needs its required attention and struggles to attain it.

Five o'clock is a time of significance. One may even say it is the time of being torn. For Mia Cameron, it is the time that she has set as a measure of being a good mother. It is the time at which she picks up her children and shows herself and others that she is not so pulled by being academic that she cannot meet her responsibilities as mother. For Val Jeffries, it is the time at which she struggles to be there for her child as mother. Five o'clock tells her she is late as mother because she has pushed for too long as academic. To be beyond five o'clock for both mothers is to feel disappointed in oneself as mother. And now, for Claire Olson five o'clock is that time when her self as academic is excelling and her self as mother is calling. It is that time when she feels pressure as mother, "Oh my heavens, I've gotta get home. I've gotta make dinner.

Gotta pick up the kids." Five o'clock is the time of the "shoulds." It is that time at which these women are pulled by the "shoulds" of being mother. It is at this time that these women feel torn.

In order to accomplish her goal as academic, Claire makes the decision to be

"totally committed" to being academic. This means missing family dinners, children's activities, family time and play. It means not being available as mother. It also means guilt, struggle, and doubt. To tear her self away from the rest of who she is, is to call into question what she is doing and why she is doing it. The fabrics of the self do not let go easily. And, even once a separation has been forced, they do not give in easily.

They are meant to co-exist and to exist attached to each other. To separate them is to cause distress. This distress is something with which Claire becomes very familiar.

To tell of this experience is to name it and to bring it to remembrance. To do this is to reawaken the emotions that Claire experienced during that time. She becomes tearful as she speaks of her family coming to have dinner with her at her office because she is, "totally committed" to her self as academic and will not yet come home as mother and wife. She reconnects with her sadness as she speaks of her doubt,

"... was I being selfish to do that?" Disconnecting the parts of her self is emotional to experience, and to speak of.

Even though Claire makes a clear decision, her self is not at rest. While her mind tells her one thing, her self calls her in another direction. This too, is being torn.

She, like Mia and Val, knows the pressure of being a certain kind of mother, for

Claire's mother and sisters are stay-at-home moms. This is the example that has been set out for her. This is the family environment in which she exists. And yet, Claire knows her self and knows that, "I always did envision that I would have a career." Her vision of her self was never to be a stay-at-home mom. And even though her vision was always such, the pull towards being different is there. She struggles with the pull and tries, "to really convince myself that I was doing the right thing." It is not an easy process—to choose to be "totally committed" to one aspect of the self while foregoing the others. It is not easy because it goes against who one is and the very aspects that make up one's self. It causes a tear in the self, a tear in something that is meant to be whole.

Yet there is something redeeming that Claire finds in this process. There is something that motivates her in this academic pursuit that is not her self as academic, though it is very much rooted in her self. Something from within her self has power in her decision and her ability to keep it. This something is her self as mother. Claire as mother knows that she has not been as present to her children as she desires. Claire as mother is aware of the many times she has been inattentive. She knows how "stressed and busy" she has been and at what cost this has come. And now, when faced with the decision to make the final push or not as academic, the reasoning of Claire as mother comes through, "to have put them through that for six years and then to let this drag on more or not finish it... . No! This is not how the story's going to end." As strange as it may seem, Claire as mother motivates her self as academic even though her academic pursuit is strongly pulling away from her self as mother. She finds reason to continue and to complete because of who she is as mother and academic, not solely because of who she is as academic. As mother, she knows how she has affected her family in this. She feels responsible as mother. Claire as mother provides the justification needed to finish the pursuit of Claire as academic.

Just when Claire may feel as though she has gone beyond being torn and has caused a tear, she finds that her self as mother and her self as academic are still connected. There is still an attachment between them. She has been torn, yet not to the point of a tear. In fact, it may be that to prevent a tear her self as mother allowed itself to be pulled beyond what it preferred. Just as the stronger fabric pulls the softer fabric until the softer can hold no longer and tears away, so too could have Claire as mother given way to Claire as academic. Undoubtedly, this would have resulted in a tear.

Instead, the self as mother gave. It gave so as to preserve the self. It gave while having to sacrifice. Indeed, does not this act befit a mother?

Torn Between Doing and Breathing

Seek now thy couch, and lie till morn, Then from thy chamber, calm, descend, With mind nor tossed, nor anguish-torn, But tranquil, fixed, to wait the end. (From Charlotte Bronte's, Frances)

I realize I also need down time. For example, yesterday I was getting frustrated. I arrived home Saturday, after being away all week. And I didn't sleep the last two nights, thinking, "Ah, this is going to be waiting for me. I have 70 reports to read. I have 70 evaluations to do. I have this, this, this, this, and I have to get it all done in two weeks." And I'm thinking, "How am I going to do this?" And the conference was fun though. I had great fun while I was there. And I'm thinking, "How am I going to get this done?" So anyway, so Saturday was fine. I get home and we're invited down the street to a friend's house to watch the hockey game. I thought, "Okay fine, I'm going to go." So I went. And it was about, I only got home like at five-thirty so I went over at six o'clock. And so I said to my husband, I said, "Did you cook supper?" And he doesn't cook. I hate cooking supper. That's one of the things I hate doing is cooking supper. So anyway, he says, "No, I'm not hungry." I said, "Neither am I." So Jenna says, "I'm going over right now." I said, "Okay you go over." She says, "When are you coming?" I said, "Tell her I'll be there in half an hour." I said, "I have to brush my teeth. I have to wash my face. I have to get out of these clothes." Anyway, she had cooked supper. So, "Okay, this is great! I don't have to cook supper! This is great." So that was fine.

So yesterday, Sunday, in the back of my head, even though I was home, I had decided not to come into the office. Sometimes I do. But I said, "No I'm not coming into the office." And I'm thinking, "I have all this work I have to do." And my daughter was asking me, "Can we go to the mall 'cause I need this for grad, and this, this, this." And I was getting frustrated with her. Now, she didn't do anything wrong. But it's because I had all this stuff that I knew I had to do. Anyway, I did take her. I said, "Okay, ya we'll go to the mall." So we went to the mall and we did whatever she wanted to do and so that was that. And I actually had to go for a walk in the evening to just breathe. Breathe. 'Cause I knew I had all this stuff to do.

Two nights of slumber have been missed. Rather than sleeping and rising,

"With mind nor tossed, nor anguish-torn," Devon James experiences the fitful sleep ruled by anxiety. One can relate to the disturbed sleep brought on by worry. The night begins with one reclining with the hopes of sleeping, only to find herself looking at the clock forty-five minutes later, then ninety, then one hundred and twenty, and so on.

One may hear the chiming of the clock on every hour—a measure of what has been lost. She tries to reposition herself to find comfort. And as every hour passes, the panic greatens. This has been the sleep, or lack of, of Devon James for the past two days.

This has been her night experience. She is kept awake by the panic of her mind. Her sleep is withheld from her by the panic caused by 70 reports. Her responsibilities as academic are keeping Devon from rest. And this is not the sole area in which they interfere.

She attends a conference for a week and even though this conference is academic, her self as academic is disturbed. While addressing one call as academic, another call as academic is put off. And Devon feels its pull. She feels the pull during the night when, instead of sleeping, she is thinking, "I have this, this, this, this, and I have to get it all done in two weeks." She feels the pull on her way home from the conference as she now allows herself to consider the other call of the academic. "How am I going to get this done," she wonders?

Arriving home, a different pull presents itself. It is the pull of family and

"down time." She elects to spend time with her family, answering the call as mother and wife, rather than to face the stack of reports that awaits her. She feels the strain of the academic self pulling her on Sunday when she elects to stay home from the office and to be present to her family as mother and wife. She feels the strain as she accompanies her daughter to the mall as mother. The self as academic is being deferred and it is not content. Rather than fully enjoying her first evening home with her family and her outing with her daughter, her self as academic is constantly calling,

"I have all this work I have to do." The academic self does not choose to let the self as mother and wife have their time. It does not opt for silence so as to allow Devon to enjoy her day. No, when addressing its need is delayed, this part of the self is relentless in its reminders and panic. To choose to delay is to choose to feel anxious.

Whether it is the delaying of picking up one's child at the appointed time, or the delaying of setting about to do one's work, to delay is to panic. And so, Devon is torn.

She is being pulled as mother, as wife, and as academic. She is being pulled in varying directions and her self is experiencing the effect.

Devon is suffering both emotionally and mentally. She is aware of a change in her mood. One cannot feel the strain of anxiety for long before it affects one's self.

She senses this transformation, "I was getting frustrated." She is frustrated with her lack of peace of mind, she is frustrated with her lack of sleep, and she is frustrated with the demands as mother, wife, and academic. Being torn is affecting her emotionally and mentally and she is aware of the toll it is taking.

Devon is suffering physically. With the stress of 70 reports pulling her and the deprivation of sleep, Devon's body is in need of "down time." She knows this, and for a while she continues to push and to give in to various pulls. While one experiences mental and emotional symptoms of being torn, one also experiences its effects in a physical form. Devon's self can manage a certain amount of this. She has a certain level of tolerance for being torn. Beyond this line however, a tear occurs and Devon is acutely aware of her self approaching this line. What will save her from this end should she continue on this path? Devon is highly aware of the effects that being torn have on her mentally, emotionally, and physically. She knows that she must intervene before she pushes and pulls too far.

Devon chooses a physical intervention, for such restores both mind and body.

Among all the other, "I have to dos," Devon is aware of one "have to" that most likely helps her the most, "I actually had to go for a walk in the evening just to breathe.

Breathe." It is through the process of mindful breathing, allowed by a walk, that

Devon prevents her self from experiencing a tear. Unlike Rene Descartes' belief in mind-body dualism, Devon knows that to address her symptoms of being torn, she has to change the physical state of her body. With the practice of mindful breathing, the heart rate slows, the breathing becomes smooth and rhythmic, and oxygen is used as nature's panacea.

Devon is aware of the amount of work with which she is faced. She is aware of the needs of her family. She is in tune with these aspects of her self. Through the act of mindful walking and breathing, she slows her self down. She is able to regain some sense of control over the many pulls that she is experiencing. Thus, no tear occurs.

The Space of Being Torn: Too Close and Too Far

For Val Jeffries, Ellen Young, and Claire Olson, their experiences of being torn occur while at the office as academic. It is the self as mother that pulls them. It is within the self, and between the self as academic and the self as mother that these women feel torn. Because academic work becomes "home work," the space of being torn between self as mother and self as academic may vary. Mia Cameron experiences being pulled by her self as mother when she is indeed already home. She is in the space of mother and wife. Only, as discussed in the previous chapter, the space of home is more than that. The space of home is also the space of academic. It is here therefore, that being torn also occurs.

Once we were in the house, he would always say, especially when the girls were little, "You go down and work in the office. I've got things under control here." And the only problem with that was that that was hard for me to do. That I'd be down in our office in the basement, I'd be down in the basement and I know for a fact that they're fine upstairs. There isn't a problem. But I would have trouble concentrating just knowing that they were upstairs and things were going on. So it was my problem there, not anyone else's ....

Ya, but that's if I'm in the same house. Say if I said, "Well I'm going into work," I'd be fine. I wouldn't have a problem. It's just having them in the house.

Being torn affects one's ability to concentrate. Even though Mia is in the space designated for her self as academic, the pull as mother finds her there. She is in her office in the basement of her house. There is space between her self and her family.

This space allows her to hear less of her family's happenings and to focus more on her responsibilities as academic. It is an ideal working condition, considering that she is in her home space. Yet, she is torn.

She has clearly set aside this time and space for her self as academic. Her husband is tending to their children. She is not currently needed as mother. She is not currently needed as wife. And yet, these parts within her self do not rest. They do not give in to the sole dominance of the self as academic. They continue to pull even though their current need is not explicit. They pull because they are. They exist. And they are ever-connected and therefore ever-felt.

The fact that Mia shares the same space (that is, the home space) with her husband and children in this moment creates this feeling of being torn. Her self as mother constantly pulls her to thoughts to her husband and children upstairs. What is she missing? Is she missing anything? I wonder what they are doing? What could she as mother and wife be experiencing right now if she was not trying to focus on her self as academic? This unknown is enough to pull her in a direction other than her academic self. It pulls her away while her academic self tries to maintain her attention.

Mia believes that if she was in a different space, then her concentration would not be affected. It is her space that is at the root of her self feeling torn. It is her space that creates this ground for push and pull. A separate space would mean a greater ability to keep the aspects of her self separate, or so she believes. "Out of sight, out of mind," so it is said. Yet, her husband and children are not in sight. They can scarcely be heard. Mia knows that with only a short climb of the stairs she could be present with her husband and children as mother and wife. She knows that greater distance is needed in order to not feel torn.

There was only one time, (Jenna) was two. I had a conference in (Toronto) and my husband had a (meeting in Toronto) the same weekend. So we decided to go together without Jenna. So we left Jenna with his parents and I think I called her four times a day. She (her mother-in-law) says, "You don't have to call, she's fine." "Well that's easy for you to say."

Perhaps Devon James has the space apart that Mia Cameron desires? Devon is on the other side of the country with her husband. She is away as academic and wife and has been given a break as mother. Great space exists between her self and her daughter. And yet, her self as mother impacts Devon's ability to solely concentrate on her responsibilities as academic and wife. Devon finds her self as mother calling for her child. Though far away, or perhaps because she is far away, she is torn.

Mia Cameron finds the distance between her self and her husband and children too close to concentrate as academic and Devon James finds the space too far. Devon is not within reach of her child. She cannot respond in person as mother even if she is needed. She is not available in person to her child. The space is too great for her to meet the needs as mother in that way. And so, Devon as Mother calls four times a day.

She does not call to tell of her day as academic. She does not call to speak of the conference and the people. Her first priority in calling is to be mother because the space in which she currently exists prevents her from feeling as such. The space causes her to feel torn—away from mother.

Just as Mia Cameron's children are fine in their current space and company and she knows it, so too is Devon's. Yet this kind of knowing does not seem to be helpful. It does not keep the woman who is academic and mother from feeling torn. It does not keep her from feeling pulled away from academic towards mother. She knows in her mind, and this is not enough. The part of her self that is mother is not satisfied with this level of connection. The part of her self that is mother wants more, and so it pulls. It pulls with such force that four calls a day barely gives it a sense of being content.

There are times when the choices of the woman who is academic, mother, and wife lead her to feel torn because of what she has missed. She makes one decision towards the pull of one aspect of her self, and as a result, she misses something as another aspect of her self. Devon James is discontented as mother because she is at such a great a distance from her daughter. Devon is not available to her daughter.

Devon knows that her daughter is well and is in capable hands. Yet, by not being with her daughter, Devon has created an opportunity to miss something as mother. To miss something as mother is to feel torn.

To Be Torn Is To Miss

So we stopped in (Toronto)..., dropped the kid off. He learned how to stand while we were away. Oh I was furious. I was called. My father called. I can't remember .... So we would have gone through (Toronto), stayed there a day, dropped Jeremy off, and gone on to meet. It must have been (Ottawa), it would have had to be somewhere in the east for us to do that. Went to (Ottawa), so my father like the next night called and said, "Guess what? Jeremy's standing!" We're like, "Arrgh! What do you mean? Take a picture!" "Well there's no film in the camera." "Go get film in the camera!" My father said, "I can't leave him." I said, "Get the neighbour to get a camera! Get a picture!" So he got a picture for us, and even had it developed by the time we got back. But he was like, "Ha ha, Jeremy stood and you didn't get to see it." ... I was jealous. "Thanks a lot, Dad." Now I wanna come home. "Get a picture!"

In choosing to follow the pull as academic, Val Jeffries finds herself in a situation where she misses an important event as mother. She is not present to see her son stand for the first time. She misses this momentous occasion in his life. This missing causes her to feel strongly pulled away from academic and towards mother.

She experiences a force moving in a different direction; yet, she is still committed as academic.

Val's experience of being torn due to this missing is one of anger, frustration, and jealousy. One senses a feeling of urgency on Val's behalf as she struggles to ensure that the occasion will be captured on film. She is not there to witness this event and so she strives to find a way to witness it second-hand. It will have to do. Her father is there as a part of the experience and she, as mother, is not. Val envies her father's presence. She envies his participation in the event. She, as mother, has missed something special and she is not happy about it.

So discontented is she as mother that she finds herself wanting to desert her commitment as academic, "Now I wanna come home." Val wants to be present as mother. A distance has been established because she is academic. This distance impedes who she is as mother at this time.

The next year it was somewhere else, we dropped the kid off in (Phoenix) and something else happened there. Oh, I know what happened, it was Jeremy's first phone call and I don't know where we were. But Jeremy was alone in (Phoenix) with his grandparents and my mother-in-law had a programmed telephone that had all the buttons down the side. It was an old phone. Jeremy thought it was cool. Well, evidently he called his great, great aunt. He was probably three. And he was talking to her and this must have gone on for fifteen minutes according to the great, great aunt who didn't know who she was talking to but was having a very nice conversation. Jeremy didn't know who he was talking to either. My mother-in-law picked up the phone and there are these two, and she's saying, "Jeremy? Emma? Jeremy? Emma? What's going on?" So we missed his first phone call. But I don't know where we were. He was like three, and mumbling to his aunt, his great, great aunt. They thought it was hysterical. From then on, we took parents with us.

One year later, Val is missing as mother again. Again, she is attending to her self as academic when an event occurs that causes her to wish she was elsewhere. The event that occurs pulls her from her self as academic and towards her self as mother.

She tells the experience and is limited to a second-hand account, for she is not there to witness it. She is away, as academic. She relies on how the story is told to her. Just as a photo gives her an account of the event, so too does her mother-in-law's retelling; yet, it does not make up for missing it. She is not there to feel the emotion, to experience the excitement, and to join in the "hysterics." She must hear about it over the phone, removed.

Of interest to note is the very clear description Val gives regarding the situation for which she is not present; and yet, she lacks detail regarding her own location. Val is attending some conference as academic. She does not remember where she is. She is unsure of her location in the previous account as well. She does not remember the very thing that keeps her from being present as mother. She forgets her conferences as academic. Those details are of little importance to her. One tends to remember what is significant. One remembers those situations that have meaning.

Obviously the conferences she attends as academic do not fulfill such requirements.

Yet, they are important enough to pull her away. Val does remember her son's accomplishments. She remembers his feats of those days. She remembers them as mother, for they represent what is of high importance to her. And she remembers that she is not present for them.

To Be Torn Is To Be Missed

This whole thing with how you do trips has been a bit of a juggling act. So there was a conference where we (Abbey and her husband) both went. And then decided, "No, you either do a family vacation or you do a conference, but you don't try and mix the two." So then we started doing separate things and then we thought, "Oh, now he's (their son, Steven) old enough—he was two and a half, almost three—that we could do a conference together." So we left him with my mom and dad to go to (Toronto). So we're on the other side of the country. And I think day two or three ... it was like his whole world had turned upside down. And I think around day two or day three my mom said, "It's getting really bad. I think he's getting really depressed. Like he's touching your picture." And I was like, "Oh shit!" So I left early from that conference and I just felt, and I thought, "Okay, we can't do these trips together, right? Like this doesn't work either," and leave the kid. To touch is to connect. When one reaches for something or someone, one wants to establish a connection. A touch brings one into closer proximity. It spans the distance and draws one close. To touch is to feel another's presence. It is to form a physical, and often emotional bond. When King Henry VIII chooses Anne for a dance partner by reaching for her hand, he exclaims, "The fairest hand I ever touch'd! O beauty, Till now I never knew thee" (Shakespeare's, King Henry VUT)\ It is through this touch that King Henry comes to know Anne. A connection is established. A knowledge is gained.

To touch is to establish meaning. In the film, The Miracle Worker, a scene depicts the moment in which Helen Keller finally realizes that she can communicate.

She runs about and touches everything, wanting to know every item's name. She wants the input that the touch provides her. To touch is to gain.

Michelangelo's painting, The Creation of Adam, depicts God (the supernatural) reaching and touching Adam (the natural). Through the sense of touch, man is created.

He is formed and energy is given. In the Biblical account of Jesus healing a blind man, sight is restored when Christ touches the eyes of the blind man (John 9:1-12). Another account tells of how a woman's ailment is cured when she touches Christ's robe, "If only I may touch His garment, I shall be made well" (Matthew 9:21). Through touch, power is transmitted. According to the school of chiropractic medicine, it is through touch that energy is transmitted and thereby healing occurs (http://www.chiroweb

.com/archives/16/09/07.html).

A co-worker of mine was recently admonished when he reached for and touched another co-worker's pregnant abdomen. "That's my personal space," she scolds him. What draws a person to want to touch the abdomen of a pregnant woman?

Is one drawn to the miracle of life within? Does life attract us? Does one wish to

connect to this new being and inform it of his or her presence? It is through touch that one accomplishes these things. Touch binds. It is able to transcend distance and obstacle to establish a connection.

Steven is in need of such a connection. The woman who is his mother is absent because she is present elsewhere as academic. He is aware of her absence. He is aware of the distance between them. He seeks to establish a connection with her. He seeks to transcend the distance and to be close. He wishes to remember and experience her. He misses his mother and so he touches her photograph in an attempt to unite.

Upon hearing of this, Abbey Schlosser is shocked. She very suddenly feels the need to be present for her son, yet she is far away. Hearing of her son's attempt at connection causes alarm. In this moment, she is torn. She is pulled back to her self as mother and what it requires. She is pulled away from her self as academic and its current demands for they seem minor in comparison to the needs of her son. Abbey leaves her academic conference early to address this pull as mother. She does not delay further. She does not choose to "push it" to see how far she can go. She responds immediately.

One can feel torn in missing and in being missed. Val Jeffries, Mia Cameron, and Devon James are torn because they miss. They miss experiences, they miss their families, and they miss being available and present. Abbey Schlosser is torn because she is missed. It is her son who misses her. She is the object of her son's missing.

Sometimes, it is the mother who is missed and goes missing. He (Jeremy, her son) did run away from home once when he was four because I didn't have time for him. He ran away to the neighbour. I was working in my basement and then went upstairs and asked , "Where's Jeremy?" And (my husband), who never kept track of anything, said, "I don't know." It was a little frantic. But then right at that instant our neighbour called and said, "Jeremy's over here with his suitcase. Can I keep him for lunch?" And I said, "Ya." He didn't really want to live with (Susan), ya, that was her name. He didn't really want to live with (Susan), but he wanted someone to play with when we weren't around.

Jeremy goes missing because the woman who is mother is missing. No, she is not physically missing, as Jeremy becomes; rather, she is emotionally missing. She is missing from being connected to him. She is missing from being present to him.

Though there physically, she is absent as mother. Jeremy wants his mother. He wants her as a playmate. He wants her to afford time for him. And because she is busy as academic, she is not available. To Jeremy, his mother is missing. He then goes missing himself.

Val becomes frantic when she realizes that her son has gone missing. She is shaken from her academic work and is forcefully pulled into her world as mother.

Once learning of his whereabouts, Val's fears subside. She affirms herself, knowing that her son does not really want to leave and that he really just wants a playmate. To be playmate is part of being mother. It is not part of being academic. Thus, she as mother is missing for her son.

Val Jeffries is missing just as Abbey Schlosser is missing while away at a conference. They are missing mothers. Their children miss them. The experience of this kind of missing is one of immediate anxiety. Abbey feels it when told of her son touching her picture. Val feels it when she becomes aware of her son's absence. To be academic is to sometimes be missing as mother. To be torn because one misses or is missed is to experience intense stress, pressure, and strain. Because of this, great strides are often taken to avoid this experience.

Trying Not To Miss

My son and his girlfriend, both are students here. I remember one day that they came by and it was kinda a normal day, totally stressed, totally busy, trying to do too many things. Again, I don't take lunch as a rule. And so anyway, they came, popped by just before lunch and it's like, "Hey, got time for lunch?" And honestly, my first response in my head is, "I have no time for lunch." And I just thought, "No, no!" So I'm so happy that I caught myself and said, "Absolutely I have time for lunch." And off we went....

So we went over, we walked over to (the caf.) and so yes, I would have been thinking, "Oh my heavens, I've got to get this done." Walking over there, as much as I'm trying to make chit chat with them as I'm walking over there, I'm also going over in my mind, "Okay, so I'm not going to be able to get that done from twelve to one. So okay, when is it going to fit in? And I've got to get it done for class. And I'm teaching at two. So okay, I won't do that now, I'll do this then." But at the same time I'm trying to think, "Oh and how was your class this morning?" And trying to remember and pay attention to the answer so that I'm being attentive but at the same time I'm preoccupied with that.... So it's all feeling a little chaotic now. And I'm thinking, "Oh Claire, you know, you should have just stayed and got your work done."

... But I also know that I would have been thinking ... what I would be reminding myself of is how rare this is, to actually have this opportunity to sit and talk and to allow him to then talk to me about his classes and his profs. So I'd be listening and talking with him but at the same time I know that part of me was making myself feel guilty about that I wasn't there more to have these conversations with him. That's kinda a thing I do a lot, so that I beat up on myself. "Okay, I'm enjoying this conversation now, but at the same time I'm also having these thoughts about the fact that, "Okay, I should be there more. This is reminding me that I'm not there enough to have these conversations with him because I enjoy having them. I like to hear about how his classes are going.

... So it ended up to be a nice conversation and a nice lunch. And yes, I would have run back and still though would have been running a bit through the afternoon to get the things done that, you know, it never seems to fail that there's something that really needs to be done each day. And it always seems I'm running just a little bit behind. So I would have been late a little bit to get something done. But I would have been reminding myself that, how important it was that I did that. ... I mean it was just so refreshing to do that. And came back and even though, yes that was an hour gone from my day where I needed that hour to get this thing just a little further along. But you know, I just have to keep telling myself, I can't miss those moments. And that those moments, who knows how much longer they'll be here. So I can't miss those moments. So I do have to talk to myself a lot to try and keep things in check. Because I do struggle with how much I work. And I know I work a lot.

Claire Olson is torn because of the presentation of her son and his girlfriend in her academic space. They suggest an activity that is not congruent with her academic needs at the time. They propose pulling her away from academic at a time when the academic is "totally stressed, totally busy, trying to do too many things." She is torn because she, as mother, wants to accompany her son; yet, she as academic is applying pressure to complete its demands. Claire is aware of her timeline. She is aware of the work she must produce by a certain time this day. She knows that to allow her self as mother to be with her son, she must delay addressing the demands of academic. This causes much stress for Claire. She is torn between the academic self that states, "I have no time for lunch" and the self as mother that asserts, "Absolutely I have time for lunch." These are two very different messages. These are two opposing claims. One says "yes," while the other says "no." How can one give such opposite responses to the same question? To feel these opposing forces is to feel torn. As the lyrics of

Letoya Luckett's song, Torn, state, "A part of me says to get my bags, a part of me says I can't do that." One wants to go and one wants to stay. This is the current situation for Claire. This is why she is torn.

There are deep roots to Claire's opposing feelings. For Claire, this is not a matter of taking lunch for something fun to do or for a distraction from her work. This is not about doing something on a whim. Taking lunch with her son has much greater meaning for her than this. It is to capitalize on the "rare" opportunity to connect with her son. Taking lunch is to seize an opportunity to be with, share with, and show interest in her son. Claire as mother needs this. She needs these moments that affirm her as mother to both her self and her son. And she views these moments as

"opportunities." They are not obligations. They are not duties. They are not jobs or tasks or demands. They are not something to which she looks forward begrudgingly.

No, these are opportunities, and as such, she values them. An opportunity is something to which someone looks forward. A person sees a benefit in such a moment. It is seen as a positive and perhaps as growth enhancing. An opportunity offers development. It offers. It does not take.

As academic, Claire does not, "take lunch as a rule." She does not take lunch because to take lunch is to interfere with her progress as academic. To take lunch is to stop and to interrupt her academic process. It is to put off the academic for a time and to embrace another part of her self—the self that requires self-care. It appears that this is a rarity for Claire. Seldom does she as academic allow her self the time and occasion to "take lunch." Seldom does she, as academic, deem it to be just as or more important than her current task.

Claire's language use is of interest here. She states that in order to eat lunch, she must "take lunch." To take something is to apprehend something by force

(http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/take). It is not to receive something gently. It is not to be given something. Rather, it is to use force to acquire something.

For Claire, a lunch break is something that has to be forcibly taken. And with what must Claire use such force in order to gain this break? It would seem that it is with

Claire's academic self and the pressures it exerts. The academic self does not give lunch. It does not allow such a time to occur, "as a rule." To take lunch is to suggest that something else, other than the demands of academic, is worthy of attention at that time. The academic self rarely believes this to be true. Yes, as discussed in Chapter 5, it submits to urgent calls as mother. The call for lunch is deemed much less important.

When the opportunity to take lunch is presented in light of being mother, Claire finds her self affording the time. This is not done peaceably however.

From the moment Claire's son propositions her to her moments all afternoon in which she struggles to complete her work, Claire's self is torn. She is torn in her office between going with her son and staying to do her work. She is torn along the way to their eating spot, "We walked over . . . and yes, I would have been thinking, 'Oh my heavens, I've got to get this done.'" She is not at peace once she has made her decision. Being torn accompanies her throughout her afternoon. Once sitting down to eat, Claire's academic self is still pressuring her, "Oh Claire, you know, you should have just stayed and got your work done." Upon returning to her office later, she continues to struggle between having gone and, "reminding myself that, how important it was that I did that." The academic self will not be silenced. It seems to be slighted by her choice as mother. And it attempts to make Claire very aware of this. It does not approve of her choice, and so it prevents peace within.

Claire's lack of peace is twofold. Even when Claire as mother is feeling thankful for her choice, she is aware of feeling guilty. From where do such feelings surface? Claire states, "I know that a part of me was making myself feel guilty about that I wasn't there more to have these conversations with him." Claire as mother feels guilty for not being present as mother more. Claire is aware of missing as mother and she regrets this. Just as Val Jeffries and Abbey Schlosser regret what they miss as mothers, so too does Claire Olson. She does not want to be missing as mother. She does not want to be the mother for whom her son must seek. She wishes to be more available, "I can't miss those moments .... Who knows how much longer they'll be there .... I can't miss those moments." There is a sense of urgency in her speech.

Claire realizes that her time to seize such opportunities with her son is limited. It too, like her academic work, has a timeframe. And her timeframe is nearing its end. The threat of this is greater than the threat of missing her timeframe as academic. She therefore chooses in favour of her self as mother. This is no easy feat, as Claire has to make great effort to do so.

Claire is in frequent dialogue with her self. Between whom does the dialogue occur? "I have to talk to myself a lot to try to keep things in check," she asserts. With whom must she keep things "in check?" What part of her self attempts to overrun the others; thereby, hoarding much of her time and effort? Claire finds herself in frequent dialogue because of the demands of her academic self. She knows she, "work(s) a lot."

She knows she, "struggle(s) with how much (she) work(s)." What part of her struggles? Does her academic self struggle? Perhaps, but only to keep up with its demands. It seems that this struggle within the self is between the self as mother and the self as academic. The self as mother wants more time. It knows it needs to create and seize more opportunities. It knows it does not want to be missing. The academic self pulls hard. It takes much of her time. The self as mother fights against this. It pulls its own direction. The self experiences this tug-of-war within and between the self. It feels the stress of this warring. It calls the mother forward when the academic pull is too strong and threatens to break away. It fights to maintain connection within and between.

This struggle requires great effort, as Claire fights to "try." And the trying feels

"chaotic." There is a sense of confusion within her self as she tries to determine which pull to let lead. Each part of her self pulls for its cause. The academic self knows its deadlines and the time required to meet them. The self as mother wants to be present and does not want to miss. The needs of these parts of her self require different actions at this time. Each part pressures Claire with what she "should" do according to its own perspective. Seldom does one part consider the perspective of another part; rather, it seems that the one part must fight for its own. That part with the greatest pull, or the strongest pressure, or the most importance at the time, wins. The fear of missing as mother is far greater than Claire's fear of missing as academic. And so, in this instance, the self as mother triumphs.

I don't know, I've tried really hard. I have tried really hard to be around and to be there. I mean even with my travel, this is again the thing that comes with part of the juggling or whatever. But like, I'll take, like last term I was doing a talk in (Montreal) so I took a five o'clock flight on a Thursday so I could do the talk on a Friday and then came back Saturday morning. I mean that's the kind of thing I'll do with my travel which is just excruciatingly tiring. But it's kind of like, I don't want to miss stuff.

Abbey Schlosser also tries. She tries, "to be around and to be there." She notes that this does not come easily. She has to, "(try) really hard." Like Claire Olson, it takes great effort. And like Claire, Abbey exerts the effort because she believes it to be of great value. She believes that there are clear times when being there as mother and wife is more important than being there as academic.

Interestingly, the word, try, finds its origins in the Late Latin word, tritare, meaning "to grind" and the Latin word, terere, meaning "to rub"(http://www.merriam- webster.com/dictionary/try). As one considers these words of origin, one cannot help but envision the force and energy used in the actions of grinding and rubbing.

Consider the grinding tool, whose purpose it is to change the shape of objects by friction and repetitive action. The grinder, usually run by electricity, rotates at so great a velocity that the eye cannot follow. It is this speed and force that then comes into contact with the object one wants to affect. By holding the grinder against the object, the object is changed. This is somewhat similar to the action of rubbing. Through a repetitive and forceful motion, one affects change on an object. It is hard work and requires much effort. It is not a simple transformation; rather, it takes time and energy.

As I write this last paragraph I become aware of a noise and smell within my home that distracts me. I stop typing and try to assess what the smell is. It smells like burning. I call out to my husband, "Mart?!" No response. "Marty?!" "Ya," he yells? "Are you grinding," I ask? "Yes," he replies. "Can you show me what you just did?"

I walk downstairs to meet him. "You're grinding," I ask again? "Yep." "Show me everything," I tell him.

He leads me outside where I see his tool and a piece of concrete board on the ground. He has just sawed through this board. Marty picks up his tool, "Disc Grinder 10,000RPM," he tells me. I look at the metal disc attached to the grinder and touch it, sensing heat. "What is the smell," I ask? "It's dust and heat," he replies. I'm surprised by the power of the thick smell that has made its way into our house. "So this is what cuts through the concrete and makes that smell," I state, seeking confirmation. "You got it," he affirms. I leave him to his grinding, pondering what I have just experienced and the timing of it all. The action of grinding is done at such a force that heat is generated. This heat is obvious to the senses of both touch and smell. As I continue to write now, the smell created by this action has yet to leave our house. For such a small tool to make such a big impact is really quite impressive. The power and speed with which it accomplishes its task is surprising. For this action to be successful, much energy is used. And so it is with the academic woman who tries not to miss as mother and wife. The trying is exhausting and these women are well-familiar with the energy that it takes.

Abbey Schlosser wants to be available to her family. She therefore tries to be so. She tries by arranging her travel plans so that as little time as possible is missed as mother. Her flight schedule is an exhausting one. There is little time for rest or recuperation. Abbey flies from one end of the country to the next, and back again, all within a day and a half. For Abbey, this "is just excruciatingly tiring." She experiences the physical and mental fatigue that accompanies such a decision. She knows she is exhausted. This is trying. This is what it is to try when one is academic, mother, and wife. The energy required is deeply felt.

And yet, Abbey rushes home to be with her family because, "(She doesn't) want to miss stuff." To be tired and present as mother is more important than to be rested and absent as mother, or rested and present as academic. For Abbey, it is more important that she be present as mother soon, than it is that she be present as mother later. She accepts the energy depletion that comes from this effort, from this trying, to be the present mother.

For Abbey, "this is again the thing that comes with part of the juggling .. . . "

Of what "juggling" is she speaking? Abbey speaks of trying to attend to the pulls of each aspect of her self as a kind of juggling act. She constantly finds her self in the process of trying to attend to the self as mother, of trying to attend to the self as academic, and of trying to attend to the self as wife. Attending too long to one part may mean disruption of the balance. Attending too long may mean that one part receives more attention at the expense of the other parts. This is what Abbey strives to avoid. Her self strives to maintain a sense of balance between its parts so that no one part pulls too hard and away from the others. It maintains some sort of balance so that a tear does not occur.

When one tries one is aware that there is a possibility that one may not succeed. To try is to not be sure. It is to make an effort and an attempt. It is to choose to do something without knowing whether or not the outcome will be successful. One tries in the hopes of gaining a certain outcome, and without the certainty of attaining it. For Abbey Schlosser, her desired outcome is to not miss moments of being mother.

She does not want, as Val Jeffries experiences, to miss her child's first step or first phone call. She wants to be present as mother for her family's significant moments.

She tries "really hard" not to miss.

It seems there can be a chasm between trying and doing. One tries in the hopes of doing, yet one is not certain that she will, in fact, do. What prevents one from taking one's efforts of trying and making them into successful acts of doing? In the film, Star

Wars, the young Jedi apprentice is challenged with a task. He tells his Jedi Master,

Yoda, "I'll try." To this Yoda responds, "Do or do not. There is no try." For Yoda, one either accomplishes something or one does not. There is success or there is not. There is no trying. An attempt that does not meet one's goal is to "do not." An attempt that does achieve one's purpose is to "do." Regardless of the outcome however, the attempt is still made. The try, that is, the effort and the energy, is still exerted. This is not to be ignored. This is significant. It may be as significant as the outcome.

In elementary school, I received two grades for every class: one for

Achievement and one for Effort. Grades for Achievement were based on the A, B, C+- type marking scale. Grades for Effort were "G" (Good), "S" (Satisfactory), and "N"

(Needs Improvement). I remember my father, who values success and achievement very highly, telling me time and time again, "I don't care what letter grade you bring home for Achievement. If you're Effort grade is anything but a 'G,' there's going to be trouble." I remember arguing, "But what does it matter if I get an "A" for

Achievement (the top mark) and only an "S" for Effort?" I understand the principle now. In my youth I valued most the Achievement score. I cared little for my effort. I valued the outcome over the energy used to achieve the outcome. My father however, viewed it differently, for which I am now thankful. He saw value in my effort. He praised my attempts. It was not so much the outcome achieved that mattered; but rather, the effort I put forth in trying to achieve.

In Counselling Psychology, this concept is understood through the terminology of either being "outcome oriented" or "process oriented (Dr. Steve Knish, personal communication, n.d.)." As one might expect, those who are outcome oriented focus largely on the end result. The lived experience to gain this result is not of greatest importance. It is the end that matters most. For those who are process oriented, it is in the journey where value is found. No matter what one achieves, it is the experience of the journey that gives significance. The woman who is academic, mother, and wife may not always achieve her desired goal of "not missing" and of "being around." If all focus was placed on her achievement of this goal, great discouragement would be felt.

Placing value on her effort may save her from this and may provide the encouragement needed to continue trying.

To try is to fight. It is to expend energy in the hopes of an outcome. All of the mothers cited in this chapter know the fight of trying. They live the exhaustion and stress and pressure of trying and of being torn. They look at past experiences, and while only earning a "C+" for Achievement, perhaps they have earned a "G" for

Effort. There are also those times when they have earned an "S" or "N," as well as an

"A." They continue to try in the midst of being torn. The battleground is the self. It is here that the warring takes place. And these women continue to try because they seek to avoid the damage of a tear. Chapter 8: Making Room

When I was an undergrad. or a grad. student, I never had a single female prof, that was also a mom. I think I only had, I was only ever taught once by a woman. And I think of the women I knew when I was a grad. student. There was three of them and none of them had kids. So I'd never seen anyone do that and succeed. So there was no, you know, it's like doing something that you've never seen it actually work.

The decades that separate my university experience from Madeline's are less than three. She recalls having had few women professors and none who were also mothers. In her student experience, she had never seen a pregnant professor. The body shape of a professor was usually that of a man's, and when a woman's, it was never pregnant. She had never seen a woman be both academic and mother. This was something that she personally experienced without having the image before her. She had no example to follow, no representative to seek. For Madeline and many others, it was a new frontier.

Pioneering

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

Not only is this single man in want of a wife, the single woman who he finds for his wife will be equally, if not more, interested in being so. This famous, opening line from Jane Austen's novel, Pride and Prejudice (1813/1991), reflects the central notion that, when single, one's primary and overriding focus is to marry. To marry is to complete oneself. It is to achieve an expected standard of society.

Nearly two hundred years following the publishing of Austen's book, the movie, Miss Potter (Noonan, 2006), was released. The story of Beatrix Potter, famous children's books author of the early twentieth century, also depicts such a societal expectation. According to Beatrix's family and culture, to not want to marry is an oddity. From her early years of childhood, Beatrix's sole hope is to become an artist.

She fancies not to marry. She does not dream of, "setting up house," as other young girls do. This lack of conformity causes her mother concern. "What man will want to marry you with mud all over your face," her mother asks, following Beatrix's outdoor romp of chasing a rabbit through the woods? "I don't want to marry," she tells her mother. This is unfathomable to Beatrix's mother and is a source of disagreement and disconnection between the two throughout the entire movie. Beatrix longs for a career.

She cares not for being the recipient of, "domestic enslavement, childbirth— terrifying." And so, she and her friend, Millie, pride themselves in their shared choice to not marry, "No, no houses, no babies, no husbands demanding things all the time."

They seem quite pleased with themselves and their choice.

The year is now 1953. The setting is Willesley College, a ladies-only college in the eastern United States. It is here that women gain a college education so that they may then become wives. This is the story depicted in the movie, Mona Lisa Smile

(Roth, 2003). A forward thinking, female Art History professor, Katherine Watson, comes to the college for the 1953-1954 academic year with the hopes of uniting with the country's brightest women to inspire change. As the Featurettes from the film explain, the fifties was a decade in which, "Conformity was expected .... Women put on a happy face and raised their families." While only 40% of women took full-time jobs upon graduating, these jobs were well-prescribed by society: secretary, teacher, nurse. As the Director of the film, Mike Newell, states, "There was no sense that your education was valuable in its own right, nor that you were going anywhere with your education." Few women attended college. And those that did were viewed as pursuing,

"The M.R.S. Degree." "A perfect ruse. It's brilliant really. A finishing school disguised as a college," is how Katherine Watson describes it in the film. These girls, heralded as some of the brightest in the country, learned physics and art while at the same time attended classes on speech, elocution, poise, and marriage. As one instructor informs her class during a lesson, "A few years from now, your sole responsibility will be taking care of your husband and children." Indeed, only fifty years ago, marriage was still considered the natural and assumed route for all women to take. Marriage, raising a family, and tending to their husbands—these were the lives towards which these scholars were guided. To not want marriage or a family was viewed as insurgent.

Five years ago, The Stepford Wives (Rudin, 2004), was re-released as a

Hollywood film. Based on the original novel by Ira Levin (1972), the central couple to this film moves to a town called Stepford to start over. Joanne, the wife, has just been fired from the network of which she has been in charge. She is a driven, focused, and achieving woman. As the film later reveals, the town of Stepford is made up of wives who have been made into robots by their husbands. Each wife, previous to her move to

Stepford, was a high-achieving professional. Once changed in Stepford, each wife becomes the "perfect" Stepford wife: at home, baking, dressed precisely feminine, and serving her husband and family. When Joanne realizes that her friend, Bobbi, has become this "perfect" wife instead of the independent thinking and spunky character who she knows Bobbi to be, the following scene takes place:

Joanna: "Bobbi, Bobbi, this isn't you!" Bobbi: "That's right Joanne, this isn't me. It's a whole new me. I'm happy and healthy because I understand what's important in life ... my new cookbook, and my husband, and my family, and making a perfect home. It's a lesson every gal needs to learn, especially you."

As the film later explains, the husbands of Stepford have all married women who are professional successes, "WonderWomen," as Joanne's husband describes.

These husbands are tired of being second. They are tired of not doing things as well as their wives. And so, they move to Stepford to change them into the "perfect" wife.

This wife of perfection is as Bobbi describes. There is no career. There are no independent pursuits. She exists to serve her husband and family.

One may be amused by this Hollywood tale. It can be entertaining to visit the land of fiction. After all, today's woman can pursue any career of her choice. She is not limited by the Stepford and Willesley ideals. And yet, one reason for which these films entertain us is because they are rooted in history. They are depictions of how it was. They are pictures of the history from which today's women have emerged. They are pictures of our past. The current female college student's grandmother, great grandmother, and so on, lived through these times of the domesticated woman. From these limited and powerful expectations, today's women have been born.

"What are you planning to take," I ask a female friend who has decided to attend university. "I'm going to find myself a man," she boldly tells me!

This conversation took place in the mid-1990s. It is not the only time that I have had it. In fact, it was only two years ago that I can recall suggesting to a friend that she go away to university, as she was 33 years old, to increase her chances of meeting a man. Are women still chasing the "M.R.S. Degree?" One may like to refute this; yet, a review of my personal conversations tells me otherwise. Yes, a woman's choices may be far greater than they were fifty years ago. She may consider any profession and a number of ways of pursuing it. She may choose to have a family, and

she may not. She may choose to marry, and she may not. All are touted, it seems, as acceptable. And yet, the age-old expectations remain. Their roots are deep. They continue to sprout.

My husband and I are just sitting down with our plates of food when the first question comes, "So when is it your turn," the elderly woman asks me? We are at a baby shower and I know what she means by her question. "Oh, I don't know," I hesitantly respond. "Well come on," she encourages, "Get going!" I smile and am annoyed. I turn away and hope to end the conversation. A couple minutes later I turn to see who is behind me. "When will we be having yours," the young father asks? I am shocked to be asked this again. I explain that I am still a student, in the hopes of gaining some understanding and leeway. "Can't wait forever," he informs me. Again, I smile and turn around.

I choose to circulate the room a bit. It seems I am an easy target while sitting in my chair. I stop to talk to someone with whom I am a bit closer. "So, pretty soon it's your turn," he chides? A few within ear-shot join in, "Ya Danielle, come on," they say with smiles! "Bid on someone else," I tell them. I quickly end the conversation and head back to my seat.

Seated beside my husband, I vent, "Marty, I have just been asked by at least five people when we're having kids!" In his easy manner he responds, "Oh Dan, they're just having fun." "But Mart," I respond and look at the clock, "We've only been here fifteen minutes!"

I am thirty-two and have been married four years. Have the expectations from

Jane Austen's day really changed? Yes, women are freer to pursue their desires; yet, underneath this surface lays a root system that is centuries old. I am surprised when I encounter it at the baby shower. I am surprised when I realize that I did not expect to encounter it. It is still a given. It is still something that is deemed the expected path.

What could the reasoning be when a woman who is in her thirties and married does not have children? There are still expectations. There are still consequences when one does not live according to them.

Fashion designer, Dana Buchman, shares her perspective on being a woman,

"We're brought up to live how people want us to live" {Oprah, August 15, 2007). She goes on to explain how her life is teaching her lessons about becoming her self. Rather than being the person who others expect her to be, Dana is learning to let her self be free to be who she really is, apart from the expectations. This is a lesson that her life is teaching her. She is easily more than fifty years old. The other guests' ages range from their forties to their seventies. All women share about their processes of letting themselves be who they are. Oprah tells the audience that it was not until her forties that she finally allowed her self this freedom. She began to step away from the expectations and towards truly being her self. These women speak of this process as one of "becoming." They are becoming who they really are instead of following the prescription of who others think they should be. From Elizabeth Bennett (in Pride and

Prejudice) to Oprah Winfrey, women throughout the centuries have struggled to live lives based on their genuine selves. Some eras permit this more than others. In all eras it seems to be a struggle.

The time and the culture greatly affect, and for some determine, the self that is lived. In one scene from the movie, Mona Lisa Smile (Roth, 2003), a staunch and proper student, Betty Jones, writes the following editorial of her teacher, Katherine

Watson:

Wellesley girls, who are married, have become quite adept at balancing their obligations. One hears such comments as, "I'm able to baste the chicken with one hand and outline the paper with the other." While our mothers were called to the workforce for Lady Liberty, it is our duty, nay obligation, to reclaim our place in the home, bearing the children that will carry our traditions into the future. One must pause to consider why Miss Katherine Watson, instructor in the Art History Department, has decided to declare war on the holy sacrament of marriage. Her subversive and political teachings encourage our Wellesley girls to reject the roles they were born to fill.

During the reading of this editorial, the camera flashes from scene to scene. It shows Betty standing at the stove, cooking, while reading a textbook. Her husband is looking over her shoulder. Another scene shows her ironing while she holds a book in the other hand. Her husband is in an armchair, reading the newspaper. In the final scene, one sees Betty vacuuming while supporting a textbook in the other hand. These shots are used to show that Betty can do it all. She can balance her "obligations." She can pursue academics and be married. She can seek an education and tend to the home. One does not interfere with the other. They work hand-in-hand. The fact that her instructor, Katherine Watson, encourages her students to not view marriage as the only option following graduation leads the students, as Betty writes, "to reject the roles they were born to fill;" that is, the roles of wife, tender to the home, and mother.

These are the roles that women are born to fill. This is their destiny. At least, this is the destiny depicted in this film.

Women who are academics, mothers, and wives strive to achieve the balance of which Betty Jones writes. They may not baste the chicken with one hand, while underlining a paper with the other; but, they do try to do laundry and write, spend time with their families and attend conferences, be with their children and mark papers, all at the same time. The ease with which Betty depicts this mastery is not evident in the lived experience descriptions of the women in this study. One does not hear these women speak of comfort and simplicity. Instead, one reads of morning chases and five o'clock races to the after-school program. What is real to these women as they strive to be academic, wife, and mother? And how does the current time period afford them their pursuits? Surely, the archaic mentalities of previous decades are long ago past, and the rewards of this freedom are daily felt?

Is There Room in Academia?

The famous engraving of William Hogarth, Scholars at a Lecture (1822), depicts a male professor delivering a lecture to a room of male students. It gives an account of the appearance and experience of higher-level education at that time.

Underlying, perhaps, this illustration is the complete presence of men and the complete lack of presence of women. Not one woman is found amongst the students, and certainly not as the professor. Not until the end of the nineteenth century did the number of women students of higher education increase, with the development of women's colleges and the admission of women to regular colleges and universities

(Roth, 2003). In 1870, an estimated one-fifth of resident college and university students were women. Over one hundred years later, women earn roughly one-third of all Doctoral degrees and half of all Masters degrees. With the gaining of such an education, women were then eligible to teach at higher levels.

Has this progress completely done-away with any current experiences of its history? Does the woman who is academic, wife, and mother experience none of the effects of such a lineage? Is one to believe that women and men academics have a similar experience of being academics? Or is the experience of being an academic different for the woman, and in particular, for the woman who is both wife and mother?

From an assessment of William Hogarth's painting, one may think that the scholar's body is accurately depicted by a male figure who is middle aged. There is no room amongst the academic crowd for a pregnant belly or nursing breast. In fact, as I write this, I try to recall any pregnant professors who I have seen in my fourteen years of post-secondary school education. I can think of none. I am somewhat aided by the fact that the majority of my professors have been men. I am certain that I must have seen at least one pregnant professor however; and yet, their frequency must have been few, as I cannot picture one face or pregnant belly. Like Madeline Cote, Ellen Young shares a similar experience.

No Room

. .. The first woman in that department was pregnant, and she was telling the other prof, that she was pregnant in the lunch room. So she was like, "I'm having a baby. It's due this day." And one prof, says, "You mean we let women go on maternity leave? Why would we hire them?" And I said, "You know, men have more heart attacks than women, why would we hire them?"

The male professor is surprised at his colleague's afforded "bonus" of a maternity leave. Why would a woman be considered employable as academic when her body can enter a stage in which she is no longer as "useful" as academic? Surely, this does not make sense.

Ellen Young mentions how her fellow colleague is the first woman in her department to be pregnant. Her mention of this fact draws one's attention to it. If pregnancy was a regular and frequent occurrence, one doubts that such a reference would be made. There is something important about the fact that this colleague is the first in her department. It means several things. Her department has never experienced this before. It has never had to extend a maternity leave. It has never had to employ someone in place of a pregnant academic. Nor have the academics of the department ever had to experience the change that occurs within the department due to a colleague's pregnancy. This is a new experience for the department as a whole and for the department as individual members.

It appears that at least one individual member of the department is less than welcoming about the idea of having a pregnant colleague. Of course, in William

Hogarth's day, there would have been no such thing. All faculty were male. There was no need for maternity leave, nor paternity leave for that matter, as the wife was surely in the home. "You mean we let women go on maternity leave," he asks? This professor's language use cannot be ignored. "We let them," he questions? That is to say, we "permit" them, we "allow" them, we "grant" them? The power differential in such a question is plain. One remembers her own experiences of having to ask for permission to use the washroom when in elementary school, or having to ask to be allowed to go to a friend's house. One remembers the freedom experienced on that first drive with one's newly acquired license and without one's parents. I chose to pick up a friend and we proceeded to drive through all the Drive-Thrus in our town. This was freedom. Our parents would have never allowed this had they been present. We were now free.

One asks permission when one is not free to determine his or her own course.

To be "allowed" is to be given permission by someone with greater power and control.

This professor questions if such permission should be granted by the department and to the woman academic. Surely, this mentality belongs in Hogarth's era and not in our own? For decades, academia has opened its doors to both men and women professors.

In doing this, did it not also open its doors to acknowledging and honouring their differences? How do the women who are academics today experience being mothers, from sharing the news of their pregnancy, to being pregnant at work, to maternity leave, nursing, and giving care? What does this tell us about their experience of being academic, wife, and mother?

The Announcement

I am just sitting down with a group of friends when Angie leans over and whispers, "I'm pregnant!" My friend beside me does not try to contain her shriek of joy, "That's wonderful! When are you due? How are you feeling? Are you excited?" Angie is bombarded with questions. Her face glows as she nods and answers each question as quickly as it is asked. I notice how instantly excited my friends are. I notice how Angie's face seems to light up with the conversation. She is thrilled. We are thrilled for her. Her husband smiles beside her, exuding his pride.

There are many ways in which a pregnancy announcement can be made. The description above is perhaps commonly experienced when the couple has been hoping to conceive. There is delight in the sharing. There is joy in the hearing. All experience excitement upon hearing the announcement. It is a time to celebrate. Angie wants to share her news. She wants her friends to be aware of her joy. She wants to celebrate with them and to be celebrated.

Ellen Young's colleague also shares her pregnancy news. She shares it in the lunchroom amongst her colleagues. The response is less than welcoming by at least one who hears. The setting of her announcement provides a different experience than that of Angie's. Ellen Young's colleague is with her fellow academics at work. It seems the news is less welcomed there.

When I became pregnant during my doctoral program, I didn't tell anyone in my department at first. Then I got news that I had been awarded a doctoral SSHRC fellowship, which was great news of course. I immediately told my professors about the SSHRC, and then added news of my pregnancy later in the conversations. Afterward, I had the feeling that the SSHRC had somehow made it OK to say I was pregnant, like saying, "See, I am a serious scholar even though I'm pregnant." ... I didn't realize I wasn't telling people I was pregnant until I got my SSHRC.

Social Psychology teaches about different techniques of persuasion (Alcock,

Carment, Sedava, 1998). There is the "Door In the Face" technique, in which a person presents a bigger idea at the outset in the hopes of attaining something a little less in the end. By presenting the bigger idea first, it is hoped that the originally hoped for idea is perceived as less demanding. Another technique identified is the "Foot In the

Door" technique. Using this style, a person presents a small request in the hopes of creating space and allowance for a greater request. By asking something small initially, one hopes that the listener's ears will be primed for granting something greater. It is this latter technique that comes to mind upon hearing Mia Cameron's description of her pregnancy announcement.

Something advises Mia to withhold her pregnancy announcement from her department. It leads her to keep quiet during her initial phase. Is it that she chooses to withhold the surprise for a particular time, or that she is waiting for a particular event at which to announce it? It does not seem so. Is it that she is a private person who does not feel it necessary to announce it to these people? This does not appear to be the reason either. Perhaps it is because she is waiting for her first trimester to pass, as many women do, so that she is more certain of a healthy pregnancy? She mentions nothing of this. What is it that recommends this behaviour to her? On what basis does she form her decision to withhold?

Mia is pregnant during her doctoral program. Perhaps it is from a certain event, or from a feeling, or from a perception, or from her understanding of the history of academia that she arrives at this decision to conceal? Perhaps she is aware of a certain attitude, like the one Ellen Young's colleague encounters, and chooses to avoid such an interaction? Mia reveals that she came to understand why she withheld her pregnancy news. In her mind, being a "serious scholar" and being pregnant could not co-exist. A woman is either one or the other, and not both.

I used to have visions of being a "serious scholar." In my vision, I imagined myself working late into the night at my office on campus. I envisioned a dimly lit office, filled with books. The rest of the department was empty, for all had gone home. I was the last remaining academic. I was the "serious scholar." In my vision, I was not married. I did not have children. I was single; hence, my overwhelming dedication to my academic work. I wore a scarf, and was comforted by the intense mental stimulation that I received on a daily basis. This was my vision of being a

"serious scholar." This is the image to which I once aspired.

Mia Cameron's understanding of a "serious scholar" does not include pregnancy. It does not include labour and a maternity leave. It consists of research.

The SSHRC achievement well-suits her understanding; thus, her sharing of this news.

To be a "serious scholar" and to achieve a SSHRC is consistent. It fits. It is congruent with Hogarth's painting and the history of the profession. Pregnancy has no place in the life of a "serious scholar," for how can one excel academically and be a mother?

The life of the "serious scholar" must be one of uncompromising focus and dedication.

Nothing else must threaten one's time and commitment. The parallels between Mia's and my vision of the "serious scholar" are clear. And the understanding is equally misguided.

And so, Mia tells no one. Unlike Angie, she conceals her news. Mia feels that she is in an environment in which her pregnancy would jeopardize her, "being taken seriously." The order of her announcements is clear—first inform of the academic accomplishment. Then, later, much later, "add" the news of the pregnancy. The news of her first announcement hopefully creates a feeling of happiness and celebration in the heart of the listener. It is then that her news of pregnancy may be better accepted.

This is the foot-in-the-door technique. Only, why does Mia feel she must persuade at all? It is almost as if Mia feels that she must preface her second announcement with something that she knows will be more accepted. In this way, her second announcement will seem less negative. It is as if she is telling the good news before the bad.

Mia later states:

It seems ridiculous to put it that way now, but I think that it was somehow connected in my mind. I think this is a change from then to now, as we are now having more female faculty members take maternity leaves. At the time, I didn't know of any female faculty with very young children.

Mia's academic environment is one in which the evidence of female faculty members who are also mothers is scarce. Like Madeline Cote, there is no one to whom she can professionally relate to this experience. There is no one to whom she can ask professional questions about pregnancy and academics. She is alone in this experience.

These are uncharted waters, or at least, the experiences of chartering such waters are unshared.

"Doing Pregnancy:" Body Distrust

I had only been a prof, for a year, and I'd come to school every day and throw up ten times a day, and really feel like I could use more sleep ... still pushing yourself.. . . Like I would be in my office, I'd go throw up. I'd come back to my office. I'd throw up everyday in my office. Like I'd throw up a bunch of times. I'd feel like so sick, like, "I can't do this work."

.... My first pregnancy, it never occurred to me to work less than ten hours a day. That never crossed my mind. I had all these complications and finally the doctor said, "Okay, you have to have your baby induced tomorrow." And I'm like, "Oh, does this mean I should stop working now?" She's like, "Oh my god, I thought you stopped working three months ago! You should be in bed! You shouldn't even go to the grocery store." I'm like, "Well nobody told me."

.. . It's just the people all around you aren't pregnant and they're working all the time. So it doesn't occur to you, like, "Oh, this is how you do pregnancy." You should sleep more, and only work eight hours a day, and whatever. But the second one, I was a pro. So then I knew that.

This is not the lived experience description of a woman academic from fifty years ago. Ellen Young tells of her first pregnancy experience; an experience that takes place within the last ten years. Where are her academic examples? What is her process of learning about being pregnant and being academic at the same time?

Ellen's experience of being academic and being pregnant mother is one of sickness, fatigue, and "pushing" herself. Who is she pushing? She is pushing her self as academic, to continue to produce at the same level as she did when she was not pregnant. Her expectations for her self as academic remain. She is to work the same hours, at the same intensity. She is to be academic as if she is not pregnant mother. She is also pushing her self as mother. She does not give her self the amount of rest she needs. She does not focus enough attention on the demands of her pregnant body.

She is academic. She is mother. She tries to maintain her academic self while giving as little attention as possible to her new self as pregnant mother.

Only, the pregnancy shows itself. It reveals itself to Ellen, whether or not she gives it the acknowledgement it needs. She pushes herself through the morning sickness. She attends meetings and classes. She continues fully as academic. She does not let her body's signs change her behaviour. She does not change course because, "it doesn't occur to (her)." It does not "occur" to her self as academic that changes must be made to accommodate her pregnancy. It is only when her doctor informs her of her upcoming inducement that Ellen realizes, "Oh, does this mean I should stop working now?"

It is a testament to our culture to hear of such focus towards one's work and such lack of focus towards one's body. One may read this description in disbelief.

Think only of the last time you felt sick and still pushed yourself to work. Today's worker struggles to feel at liberty to take a "sick day." To take a sick day is to fall behind. It is to greaten one's workload. It is also to raise suspicion among one's co­ workers. The modern workplace does not have to be concerned with absenteeism; but rather, presenteeism (http://www.cbc.ca). It is commonplace to see a co-worker dragging him or herself into work, pale-faced, dark-eyed, coughing and sneezing.

"Such dedication," one admires. "Such commitment." Ellen Young continues to push herself to meet the demands of her work as academic because she sees nothing else,

"The people all around you aren't pregnant and they're working all the time," she relates. It is the norm. It is the norm as academic to work and to work hard. The norm is not being pregnant. It is not allowing one's pregnant body the care it needs. No one tells Ellen to give her self this care. No one, seeing her exhaustion and hearing her sickness, invites her to go home. It is normal to ignore one's body. And so, Ellen pushes.

It is Ellen's doctor who educates her even though Ellen's body has been trying to do so. It seems Ellen trusts an outside source more than her own physical self.

"I don't feel good today," I tell my husband. "Why don't you go lie down and rest," he asks? "I have to write," I reply. "You can do that another day. You need to rest," he tells me. I allow myself to consider his recommendation and argue against it. "I'll wake you in a couple hours," he encourages. And with that, he takes me by the hand and leads me away from my computer. I allow myself to accept the freedom that he offers.

I accept the freedom because someone gives me permission. I am not able to permit myself on my own accord. Having someone else permit me seems to give my situation validity. This is the validation I need to not work and to care for my body. Ellen

Young seems to require this validation as well. Throwing up, "ten times a day" is not reason enough to change her work habits. Nor is her exhaustion. It is only when her doctor voices her shock and instruction that Ellen knows it is reasonable to allow herself to, "do pregnancy." Before this, permission had not been granted by her workplace, her self as academic, or her self as mother.

Ellen's self as mother is just coming into being. She is unsure of what it needs and how to give it what it needs. She has never been mother and academic. She has only been academic. How does one make room for the other? Must one make room? Ellen experiences what happens when she does not. She learns from this and gains greater understanding for her second pregnancy.

I know my second child, I had a lot of pregnancy complications and I was like, "My doctor says I can't teach." And my Chair was like, "Oh ya, no problem." And he taught the lecture for me, like my whole term of lecture. And I was like, "Oh, do you need a note?" And he was like, "Oh no, we can see you're pregnant." ... When you're the young person, you think, "Oh my god, imagine asking to get all your teaching (transferred)? Who would do that?"

... I won some awards when I was pregnant with my daughter. I couldn't go to the one award 'cause it was three weeks before she was born, and she was ten pounds twelve ounces, and she was too huge, and I could not possibly travel there. The national one was about four weeks after or two weeks after I had her, so I couldn't travel to that one either. So I just did a little taped acceptance speech. They never did that before 'cause usually when you win the award you go the event. But you always find something.

Ellen Young is a different woman during her second pregnancy. She has learned and unlearned some valuable lessons from her first pregnancy that she applies to her second. She does not ignore her body. She does not attempt to be the same academic pregnant that she is when she is not pregnant. She does not overwork. She does not expect herself to fulfill all of her obligations as academic. She is pregnant.

This time, she is aware of how it affects who she is, and she responds accordingly.

Ellen openly informs her Chair of her pregnancy and of her inability to work.

Unlike her younger self, she does not hesitate to ask for this accommodation. She has learned what is reasonable during pregnancy. Ellen does not attend two award ceremonies as academic because of her pregnancy. To not attend is not normal for

Ellen or those in her field; and yet, there is a sense of acceptance within Ellen that is conveyed in her telling of this account. "You always find something," she concludes.

She, as academic and mother, does what works for both. The compromises are not all on the shoulders of mother this time. This time, her self as academic makes some adjustments. A learned knowledge and acceptance of what it means to, "do pregnancy" have replaced the frenzy of her first pregnancy.

So I went into labour during a meeting. I'm going, "Hmm, hmm." I can remember the whole setting. It was upstairs on the third floor. It was the reading research group. We would discuss readings on research. And I was up there and I'm going, "Oh I'm not very comfortable." And my colleague was pregnant. And she says, "You're in labour." I'm going, "No, I'm not in labour. I'm just very uncomfortable today." But we finished the meeting and I went home.

"Look Steven, maybe the baby's coming even though he's not due for a week. So I did some work, went to bed, woke him up and said, "This baby's coming. I don't feel good." So then I have Jeremy eventually after a lot of labour. And spend a long time in the hospital but two days after I got home, (I went) back to work with Jeremy. Well, I thought I could be Supermom. You don't realize until you have ... a child, you don't realize what kind of life-changing situation that is.

You know, I had a big, four-drawer file cabinet (pulls out drawer). And I took the middle, it would be about this level, I took it out. It was right behind, it was like right over here (pointing to a space beside her desk). So I just put him in this part (the middle drawer) so that I could do my work and have him. And that just, I wasn't getting quality work done. And you know, people thought I was crazy, and I didn't want to disrupt anyone. He was a good kid. He was always a very good baby. But I just couldn't cope with it. So I said, "Look I can't do it."

Val Jeffries has a similar learning process to Ellen Young. Like Ellen, Val is pregnant and continuing to work as academic. Like Ellen, Val's body is telling her a message. Like Ellen, Val does not respond to this message too quickly. Both women academics are pregnant for the first time. Both do not expect the changes that being pregnant brings to their selves. Both learn during their first pregnancies that the academic self must make room for the mother self. At some point, the mother self cannot be ignored. It makes itself known and it must be attended to. Val remembers the scene quite clearly. She remembers the building, the room, the activity, and those present. She is very much in touch with her self as academic.

She is also very much not in touch with her self as mother. Her body is telling her that she is going into labour. Her body is giving her the signs. There is discomfort. There is pain. Val's focus is elsewhere. Her colleague, who is also pregnant, recognizes the signs. She informs Val of what her body is trying to tell her. Even given this information, Val continues to deny her physical state. She is focused as academic and she will not be distracted. Eventually, Val listens to her body's message and goes to the hospital. She learns that her body is giving her accurate information, and that she is indeed in labour. This demands certain energy and focus, which Val must give.

Two days following the birth of her son, Val is back at work as academic. She brings her newborn, as she has yet to learn what being new mother means and how it affects her as academic. "I thought I could be Supermom," she relates. Supermom— that mom who can do it all.

Faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than a locomotive. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Superman! (www.fiftiesweb.com/superman.htm)

Superman. That man from another planet, "who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men (www.fiftiesweb.com/superman.htm)."

That man who can, "change the course of rivers" and, "bend steel with his bare hands." That man who, "disguised as Clark Kent. . . fights the never ending battle for

Truth, Justice, and the American Way." That man is Superman. Emulated by many. Childhood hero. Icon. Is this the man to whom Val Jeffries looks as her example?

Supermom—able to give birth and attend meetings and classes without the slightest disruption.

The baby in the drawer.

Val's description of her "baby in the drawer" paints a picture worth considering. Two days after giving birth, Val returns to work with her newborn. She creates space for him in her filing cabinet. This space is readily accessible. It is convenient space. It is close. Val's office space is transformed. No longer is it only space of academic. Now, it is also space of mother. Only, the space is not conducive to this change. The space, and Val as academic, lose their flow and continuity. Their purpose has been altered. And Val's experience of this space is therefore changed.

One considers a drawer and its uses. Often, drawers are used for storage. They help contain items that would otherwise get in the way and create a mess. They are also used to organize. Placing items in a drawer allows one to keep these items in some sort of order. It allows one some sense of control over one's environment.

One considers different types of drawers. There is the infamous "junk drawer."

This drawer tends to be the "catch-all" for any and everything that does not have its own space. Within a junk drawer one may find numerous, unrelated items: matches, pens, coasters, receipts, watches, twist ties, and tools. These items have no formal place. They are worthy of keeping and not worthy of their own space outside of this drawer. One can easily close this drawer and forget about the mess within. A closed, messy drawer does not interfere with one's sense of cleanliness and order on the outside. It is a contained mess. It is a hidden mess. It is a forgettable mess because it can be hidden. One closes the drawer and therefore closes the ability to see inside.

Only when one reopens the drawer is she reminded of its internal state. Drawers can hide things.

My sock drawer is a space that tells on me. I open it and see rows of neatly folded socks. These socks are arranged by colour, size, purpose, and texture. I take great care in my socks. They are an essential and revealing part of my wardrobe. My sock drawer reveals this. It shows that these items are important to me. Unlike the junk drawer, my sock drawer is not thrown together, mixed up, and dishevelled. I take great care in carefully putting away each pair of socks. When it begins to become disorderly, I make the time to reorganize. My socks are valuable to me. Drawers also contain valuable items. They contain items that reveal, in part, who we are.

Drawers act to keep items separate from our readily visible world. They separate the seen from the unseen. Their contents are not meant to be a part of the decor. They are not meant to be a constant. Items kept in drawers have a purpose that they fulfill in their time, and then they are removed again from sight. These items are used, then put away, and used, and put away. Our experience of these items is an intermittent one.

Only, as Val experiences, having her newborn with her in her office is not an intermittent responsibility. The drawer in which her baby lies is not one that she can open and close at will. She cannot chose to ignore this drawer's contents. She cannot forget about its item. There can be no separation between the contents of the drawer and Val's world. Val's drawer tells on her; it tells that Val is now mother. No longer are its contents solely indicative of her self as academic. Val's self has developed a new part, and her drawer reflects this.

In bringing her baby to work with her and placing him in a drawer, Val hopes to, "do (her) work and have him." She hopes to use the drawer as a means of integrating her baby into her academic space. The drawer keeps her baby separate from her academic work, while it allows her a space to attend to him as mother. The attempt does not work. Val experiences a decline in the quality of her work as academic. She experiences a decline in her ability to cope as woman and mother. And she realizes that, "(she) can't do it." What is it that she cannot do? She cannot be fully focused as mother and fully focused as academic, within the space of her office, at the same time. The two cannot be so easily integrated. She attempts an integration and people, "thought (she) was crazy." With "Supermom" as her motto, is it really beyond

Val's realm of expectation? Val sets herself up for a crash as she tries to be both.

It takes becoming mother for Val to realize what being mother is. Becoming mother is "life-changing." Becoming mother forever changes Val's life as academic and wife. She is not aware of how her self as academic will be impacted. Perhaps, like

Madeline and Mia, Val has no one from whom to learn? Perhaps, in Val's academic circle, there are few women who are academics and mothers? Like Madeline and Mia,

Val learns on her own what it is to be mother and academic. This process is a rough one, as her academic self tries to make sense of this new part of the self.

The self is adaptable. When given a new part to integrate, it responds.

Becoming mother changes the woman's self. A new aspect of who she is is born. And the self transitions to include this. No longer does it only hold together and keep separate the self as academic and the self as wife. Now it also includes the self as mother. The woman transitions outwardly and inwardly in response to this change.

Maternity Leave—You Can't Get Away

Once the woman who is academic, wife, and mother has negotiated her way through announcing her pregnancy, being pregnant at work, and going through childbirth, one may think that she is then able to experience her maternity leave as mother. Surely, she is free from the calls of her academic self and is at home as mother and wife? Is this not a time for her to connect to and learn about this new part of her self, mother, and this new life, Child?

I did work at home when I was on maternity leave. You can't get away from your job as an academic when you're on maternity leave. You can't just say, "Okay, bye, I'll be back in six months or nine months or whatever." It's impossible. So I had to keep working and doing things on the computer or being on the phone and email contact with my students. And sometimes I come in and sometimes they come to the house. Sometimes I just said, "Do you want to talk to me about your thesis, you'll have to come to the house."

I had my first son at home and I was on maternity leave. And I remember one of my students coming. He wanted to talk about his thesis. I mean, he was just at the writing stage so we were gonna sit down and organize it and stuff. So he came over in the evening and my husband took the baby and walked and went out and got us all slurpies and came back with slurpies. We had them in the other room or backyard. He was a really fussy baby and didn't like anyone except me. So my husband had to take him away so we could concentrate for about an hour, talking about the thesis.

For Madeline Cote, it seems that the academic self is not to be put on "pause" just because she becomes mother. The academic self continues to demand and require energy and effort during pregnancy and after. Maternity leave is no different.

Madeline Cote recognizes this seemed fact about being academic, "I had to keep working," she states. She had no choice. She "had to." She must. She is academic and therefore always academic. The fact that she is mother has little affect on her sense of duty towards her self as academic. Being academic and meeting its responsibilities are things from which Madeline feels she, "can't get away."

The getaway. At times, the getaway is that place to which one goes when needing a break or a rest from the hectic pace of life. It is a holiday destination; a place to unwind. To get away is to leave. It is to leave and to pursue. One chooses to forsake one place for the attainment of another. A getaway is also an adjective used to describe the manner in which one leaves. The getaway car aids the robber as he or she flees the bank. Or it aids the newly wed couple in their departure from the wedding reception. The getaway car is on time, usually waiting. It whisks one away quickly. It is untraceable. It is freedom from being followed.

Madeline Cote has no such vehicle. There is no car that, without a trace, allows her to quickly leave the scene of academia and arrive at maternity leave. She is followed. Her academic self accompanies her, as it is part of her. She cannot abandon it. To truly leave it is "impossible." Thus, she passes her maternity leave with an active academic self.

While at home, during her leave, she connects via computer and telephone with her students and faculty. Her space of home is affected as she opens it to host activities as academic. Her backyard becomes an office. Her relationships while home are impacted. Her husband tends to their child as Madeline hosts supervisory meetings. Madeline experiences maternity leave as a mixture of being mother, wife, and academic in the space of her home. Unlike being at the office at school, she now juggles tending to a fussy baby and meeting with her students. It is a maternity leave like no other. It is the maternity leave of a woman who is academic.

Just after she was born I started teaching here part-time. And so that was like in September that I started teaching part-time. So she was just six months old. So that was before the time when people usually took a year maternity leave like is standard now. It wasn't standard then. And so I started back when she was just six months, and taught a couple days a week. And just clinical teaching, which basically allows you to come in, do your teaching, and leave at the end of the day. You don't have to be preparing on evenings and weekends or doing any other evaluations, grading papers or anything outside of your work hours. And so it was like a regular job. So that did seem a little easier to balance being a new mom and still having some work.

So then ... I had my second child ... and I took a year off. But then came back again . .. and took up part-time teaching again, clinical teaching still. And then carried on until I had a third child .... And I had decided that I would stop teaching for a while .... So decided just to stay home for a while, now that I have three children ....

I was really being encouraged, recruited to come back and help out at a higher level than where I was before . .. because they were so short-staffed. And I felt a real sense of obligation to help out and I knew that I could do it... and so here I was, and I knew the school really well.... So I did feel really obligated to come back. And so I made a really difficult decision to come back and ended up then going the route of hiring a nanny. You know, bringing a lady over from the Philippines, and going through that whole process, and having her live in the house with us. And so, lots of transition and difficult times actually in all of that. And so, I came and took then a full-time position and maintained that for four years and was becoming very stressed ....

To what is a person obligated? What makes one person feel obligated towards something, while another person does not? Claire Olson speaks of her sense of obligation as academic. Even though she becomes mother, and mother of three, she continues to feel committed to her self as academic and to the place in which she works as academic. She takes time off following the birth of each child, yet finds herself returning as academic whether or not she as mother is fully ready. So great is

Claire's sense of obligation towards her self as academic, that she hires a nanny so that she can answer the call as academic. She is not free to experience her maternity leave as only mother and wife. Like Madeline Cote, there is no getaway at which she can escape her self as academic and her sense of duty towards it. There is no getaway at which she can be mother and wife alone. Her sense of obligation towards her self as academic significantly impacts Claire's course of action.

In Emmuska Orczy's novel, "The Scarlet Pimpernel" (1905), the story is told of a wealthy Englishman, The Scarlet Pimpernel, and his secret society who set out to rescue French royalty during the Reign of Terror in Paris in the late eighteenth century. Citizen Chauvelin, the French ambassador to England, seeks to capture the

Scarlet Pimpernel and all in his league who interfere with France's justice. In the 1982 film's depiction of this story, the Scarlet Pimpernel is captured when he endangers his life to rescue one of his men from Chauvelin's arrest. Upon capturing the Pimpernel,

Chauvelin goads, "I realized that your noblesse oblige would not permit you to abandon one of your men." The Scarlet Pimpernel replies, "Sink me, if you aren't right. For a change." The Pimpernel's "noblesse oblige," that is, his noble obligation, does not allow him to stand by while one of his men is captured. He endangers his life and the lives of others because of this sense. Fulfilling his obligation is far more important than avoiding the risks.

Claire Olson chooses to risk the consequences of living according to her academic "noblesse oblige." Her department needs her. Her children need her. She is needed as academic and as mother. It is a difficult decision; one that creates hardship and stress. Her sense of commitment towards the place of academic is too strong to ignore. The place encourages her to return. It recruits her. It does this regardless of Claire's status of maternity leave. And Claire responds. It is a response that brings her self as mother much hardship.

One wonders if Claire's department should have even asked for her return? If

Claire's status of maternity leave was truly respected, then would such a request have been made? The woman who is academic, mother, and wife faces the pressure and difficulty of trying to live according to each sense of "noblesse oblige," whether or not her department respects it.

While the woman and her family prepare for her maternity leave, the woman's department must make preparations as well. To not make them is to create a state of hurriedness. It seems that some departments within academia are still learning this.

Perhaps some are still adjusting to the fact that women are in academia and that their uniqueness requires certain consideration.

I was the first (person in my position) to go on maternity leave. So, and I remember like not being, them not figuring out how I can go on maternity leave until about six weeks before I had my baby. So, it's just like, "Oh, it never occurred to us that (people in her position) will have maternity leaves." So finally in the end, it's like, "Whatever (are) the rules of your university." And it was like, 'cause you have this salary and then you have this top-up from (my position), and nobody knew, like everyone knew I was going to go on maternity leave, and everyone knew I would get whatever percent of your salary that you would get if you went on maternity leave from the university, but no one knew which pot of money should pay for that. So it was just like working out the details of that. Like, "Do you people not think I'm going to go on maternity leave?"

Often, part of being academic includes holding positions within one's area of expertise, outside of one's university. One may serve on certain municipal, provincial, or national boards or committees. One may choose to be a representative or spokesperson for a particular area of research. This one does in addition to his or her university responsibilities as academic. Many, if not all, of the women included in this current research project are engaged in such academic commitments. Ellen Young serves on such a committee. Becoming pregnant means therefore that Ellen's university department and external committee must accommodate this. It seems that at least one of these is caught unprepared by Ellen's need and right as mother. In fact, so unprepared are they, that Ellen wonders if they are expecting her to forego her maternity leave for the sake of continuing her responsibilities as academic.

Again, Ellen runs into a particular mentality when the issue of her maternity leave surfaces, "Oh, it never occurred to us that (people in her position) will have maternity leaves." This committee, on which she serves as academic, has never addressed the issue of maternity leave. It has never been addressed because all of the previous people in her position have been men. No thought has been given as to how the position would be affected if a pregnant woman filled it. With the news of Ellen's approaching maternity leave, this committee finds itself scurrying. And Ellen questions their expectations due to their lack of preparedness. What are they expecting of Ellen as academic? Are these expectations sensitive to Ellen as mother? It does not appear so. It does not appear that this committee has given any thought or done any planning regarding Ellen's potential as mother. This committee's history seems very much in line with Hogarth's depiction—it has been a "boy's club" led only by boys.

When faced with the reality of change in academia, this committee is caught unprepared. It may cause one to ponder the degree to which change has even occurred for this group of academics. Nursing the "Shy Breast"

Like all new mothers, the woman who is academic and mother engages in a process of learning what it is to be mother. While the academic self may prefer to focus as little attention as possible to this new learning curve, the self as mother cannot be ignored. The woman is reminded that she is mother even when her focus is academic. Her body cannot solely be academic. Her body often reminds her of her self as mother. These reminders draw the woman back to her reality of being both mother and academic.

The awkward part was, I was trying to do the breast pump thing, and I had windows in my office. They weren't windows like that (points to windows of an outside wall), but they were windows to the hallway. But it was sort of hard to see. I mean you could see that there was a body in there. And I tried pumping breast milk (laughs), it was like having "shy breast." You know, some people have a shy bladder? Shy breast. It wasn't going to work (laughs) .... It wasn't working very well. I did it but I didn't like it. Most of it I just threw away. I closed my door with a, "Please Do Not Disturb" sign. Occasionally the phone would ring and I'd talk on the phone . . . pumping milk all at the same time (laughs).

Val Jeffries speaks of her experience of being nursing mother and academic.

She is in a primary space of academic. She is in a time allotted for academic. She is in her office, and yet, her body calls her as mother. Her body as mother cannot be put on hold while she is physically in her office. Her body, a nursing body, has demands and needs of its own. The academic body must respect these needs. It must be educated as to what a nursing body requires.

Val learns about nursing. She learns that nursing in her academic space is difficult. She learns that nursing with the possibility of being seen by fellow academics is awkward. She learns that her body, as mother, is self-conscious when trying to nurse in the space of academic. This interferes wit her body's natural process.

She experiences "shy breast." Her breast will not nurse. It requires conditions as mother that are not being met as academic. The privacy of her office, with its window, is not enough for Val as mother. It is enough for Val as academic. The window has probably seldom interfered with her academic duties, while the window for the mother causes significant interference. In this case, what works for the academic does not work for the mother. The risk of interruption is too great. To be called as academic when performing this act as mother would be too disruptive.

When reading literature on nursing and the use of breast pumps, one is informed of the importance of seclusion, privacy, and comfort. It is imperative that the mother does not feel that she is the object of attention. Any attention drawn towards her self brings about disruption. According to the article, How to Use a Breast Pump in Public (http://www.ehow.com/how_2125118_use-breat-pump-public.html), the following suggestions are made to help the mother have a successful nursing session:

Find the most private, secluded place you possibly can. Ideally, you want to avoid pumping in public. Ask to use a bedroom or office with a door that locks. If not, go to the top floor of the parking lot or drive somewhere off the beaten track before you set up the pump.

Relax and think of your baby as you begin pumping. This will encourage the fastest letdown—and the fastest nursing session. Try not to look at anyone who might be walking by. Listening to music if you're in a car—or even a recording of your baby gurgling or crying—will make for a more productive pumping session.

Using a breast pump requires privacy, concentration, and lack of distraction. It requires not being viewed as Other. For Val, her office as academic is not private enough. It is not, "the most private, secluded place .... " In an attempt to better establish her privacy, Val posts a, "Do Not Disturb" sign on her door. Even this does not convince the body as mother that it is now safe to nurse. She cannot trust those in her academic space to not disturb her as mother. Her phone rings, and Val tries to accommodate both needs. Her self as academic will not let the phone call pass. Her self as mother is therefore interrupted. She attempts to pump milk and talk on the phone at the same time, and as she finds, "It (doesn't) work very well." It seems that there are times when the self as mother needs to focus solely on the self as mother, and that to allow focus elsewhere is to impede the mother process. It seems that there are times when juggling academic and mother are more challenging than others.

Because this setting is not natural for Val as mother, she must force her self as mother. "I did it but I didn't like it," she relates. In nursing at her office, Val chooses to override her mothering body's need for the sake of her academic self. This seems to be a choice that her body does not readily accept and adapt to.

She attempts to protect her self as mother by posting a sign, "Please Do Not

Disturb." That is to say, "Do Not Disturb Me as Mother." Unlike most times in which the woman who is academic and mother can successfully juggle the two, nursing seems to be a time when juggling is not a successful option. Nursing successfully requires separating one's self from her other parts so that full attention can be given to the self as mother. Val attempts to do this separating. She attempts to focus solely on her self as mother. She attempts to do this in a time and space that is academic. The attempt is not successful. She is on the phone as academic. She is aware of the fact that she is in her academic space and therefore is conscious as academic. She cannot separate her self as academic to perform the act of nursing. Her self is bound together as academic and mother. It fights against being torn even when the woman would like to separate the two. It holds together these aspects of her self so that not even she can will them into separation.

Nursing: What You Have to Do

.. . There was a conference I went to when my younger daughter was an infant, she would have been 5 or 6 mos. old, and I was presenting ... with a colleague .... My mother-in-law was here visiting. So I knew everything was perfectly fine at home. I wasn't worried about that. But I was still breastfeeding .... So I had saved as much milk as I could and left that behind.

But of course, if you are breastfeeding, you're going to leak. And I remember being in ladies' room, and I had clothing that was, and I had taken that into account because you don't want to have the leaks showing. But I remember being in the ladies' room, having to pump a little bit of milk just to relieve the pressure and thinking, "This is awful." And just thinking, "Oh I don't want to do any of this. It's awful." But you do what you have to do and you get on with you day.

Mia Cameron, as mother, feels secure to leave her daughter so that she can attend a conference as academic. As previous mothers mention, the need to know that one is being, "a responsible mother" is imperative to being a woman who is academic and mother. Mia has this assurance and leaves for her conference with minimal worry.

To get ready for this conference, Mia not only attends to arranging her presentation materials, she also, "(saves) milk." She cannot focus solely on her upcoming task of presenting. She cannot, as one might say, "get into the zone." Her responsibilities as mother keep her connected to being mother. She is about to leave her nursing baby, and Mia is the main source of food supply. Mia must therefore leave adequate food for her baby. Her conference preparation includes this storing of food.

Once she leaves her baby in the capable hands of her mother-in-law, Mia is still not free to exist solely as academic. Again, like Val Jeffries, Mia cannot completely separate her self as academic from her self as mother. The body of the academic and the body of the mother are the same. Once at the conference, though her focus is mainly academic, her body continues to function as mother. There is no separation of the two, no matter the distance.

Mia arrives at the conference with the consciousness of being mother. She is breastfeeding and therefore dresses accordingly. She dresses to conceal evidence of her nursing body. Her experience of the conference is different because of her body.

There is pressure in her breasts that must be relieved. To not relieve it is to experience intense pain and discomfort as well as to jeopardize her ability to continue to produce milk. Mia cannot ignore the pain that being a nursing mother gives. The length at which Mia can stay and focus on the presentation largely depends upon Mia's body as mother. She finds herself in the ladies' room, "having to pump." Pumping is not an option. There appears to be no other reasonable choice. Mia the academic must leave a lecture in order to pump milk as mother. She has to. She must. And it is not a process that she enjoys.

It matters not that Mia would rather continue listening to the presentation. It matters not that she would rather not be interrupted. What Mia "wants" at the time is given little regard. What her self as academic wants is not the most powerful call. Mia knows this, "you do what you have to do and you get on with your day." Her self as academic knows this. She knows that she cannot ignore being mother. Her body helps hold her self together. She knows she cannot override her self as mother. The call of mother supersedes Mia's desire as academic. This is how this nursing mother who is academic experiences her conference. I recall having to go somewhere just after 9-11 and I was nursing but I didn't take my baby with me. She stayed at home with my husband. So I brought a breast pump to just pump milk. And I had to, it was a long flight, it was a couple flights, so I had to bring it with me in my carry-on, and pump in the bathroom. And I remember coming up to the, you know where they check your luggage? It's like, just a few days after the 9-11 thing. And so they're like, "What is this?" I'm like, "It's a breast pump." "Show how it works," 'cause it's like an electronic piece of equipment. And I'm like, "I don't think so."

Like Mia Cameron, Ellen Young is aware of the "Have Tos" of nursing. She experiences how these "Have Tos" impact her self as academic and mother. The

"Have Tos" create a unique experience for Ellen.

To begin, Ellen prepares her carry-on with the awareness that, although she takes this flight for the purpose of academic, she must pack for this flight as mother, nursing mother, even though her child is not with her. The space of her carry-on reflects this aspect of her self. Amongst some of the more common items, such as papers, and marking tools, found in the woman academic's carry-on, Ellen's carry-on also contains her breast pump. The other, academic-related items of her carry-on share space with this evidence of mother.

I am sitting in my seat, 29F, and am becoming more and more aware of a building pressure within me. "I should have gone while waiting to board," I reprimand myself in my thoughts. "But I was too anxious," I continue, "and would have feared being late." I sigh and look out the window. I try to relax my muscles and the feeling of pressure does not subside. I change positions in my chair. This does not relieve the pressure either. I smile at a woman who walks by in the aisle, "She's probably going to use the washroom," I tell myself. "Now it's occupied." I wait restlessly in my seat. A few minutes later, the woman walks by again, returning to her seat. "Well, she used it," I tell myself. The scent of the bathroom deodorizer begins to waft its way throughout the cabin. Sensing my anxiety, I close my eyes in an attempt to fall asleep. There will be no airplane washroom usage today. It has been a long while since I've been able to bring myself to use the washroom on an airplane. The space is too small and too cramped, and I dislike the sense of having to rush, should someone else be waiting. I dislike knowing that other people know that I am in that little space. I dislike having limited privacy and unanimity. And so, I wait. At times, the discomfort is great. Other times, I am able to relax. I need only remember previous experiences of being in that tiny cabin, bumping my elbow on the sink or mirror, losing my balance, and being frightened by the sound of someone attempting to open the door, to keep me from using an airplane's washroom again.

The very idea of having to use an airplane's washroom to pump milk is anxiety provoking. The space is profoundly small. The ability to relax is limited. How is one to achieve the necessary state to accomplish this nursing task in such a space? The concept baffles me. And yet, this is the position for which Ellen is prepared. She is aware of the airplane's limited space. She is also aware of her mothering body's need.

She packs and prepares accordingly. It appears that her choices are far more limited than are mine, as I sit in seat 29F.

Ellen's self as mother affects her experience of time in flight. Time is not experienced according to the usual markers of take-off, in-flight, and landing; rather,

Ellen's time is divided into breast pumping intervals. Ellen's body and the discomfort she feels largely dictate this form of timing. Like Mia, the pain cannot be ignored and

Ellen must respond to her body as mother. She must try to pump milk, no matter how cramped and uncomfortable the space. "I don't think so," is Ellen's response when asked to demonstrate the use of her breast pump to airport security. The request is out of the question. Clearly, the security officer is not familiar with this piece of equipment. Clearly, he or she is not aware of the magnitude of the question. When trying to proceed through airport security, Ellen is again reminded of who she is. Yes, she may be academic, travelling to an academic conference. And she is mother, travelling as mother. Perhaps, her previous hour has been spent marking a paper as she waited? Perhaps, her time has been spent checking her academic emails? No matter how academic her previous task, the security officer reminds Ellen of being mother. Ellen has left her child with her husband. She has not left her self as mother. She cannot. And being nursing mother adds an extra assurance of this.

Nursing Mother and Academic: It Fits

And this is probably when they were a little younger and I arrived to work. It was a morning class that I had to teach. And you know, in this case, it was spit up, I'm sure. And I'm teaching and I see, "What is on my shoulder?" And I see this dried up milk or whatever it is, this white substance. And I'm like, "Okay." But I made a joke about it in class too and that's fine and other people are like, "Please don't tell me your life story," and other people think it's funny. It was very quick. And it was like, "Okay, well we get on with it." And it's life. It's part of what happens so it wasn't a big deal. Other than I need to dry clean this blazer.

It seems that no matter where she goes and whatever her task, the woman who is academic may be reminded of her self as mother at any time. She is not immune from these reminders. She is not guarded from them. She cannot tell them, "Go away," or, "Please Do Not Disturb." She cannot postpone these reminders when she is trying to focus as academic. Whether she is on an airplane, in an airport, in her office, at a conference, or in front of her class, these reminders occur. Because she is mother, she may be reminded of being mother in any moment.

For Rachel Evans, this reminder occurs while instructing her university class.

It is not as obvious a reminder as some others have been. Her phone does not ring, calling her to attend to her child as mother. Her baby does not cry. In this moment, it is her body, and a foreign body attached to her body, that remind Rachel of being mother.

There is a usual way in which Rachel is used to perceiving her body. She is used to seeing certain features in her line of vision. She is accustomed and familiar with the look of her hands as she instructs, and the sound of her voice. There is a way in which she expects to perceive herself. She expects to see the shoes that she chose to wear that day on her feet, and the blazer that she selected covering her arms and torso.

She chose her "look" today. She selected each article. Based upon these selections is

Rachel's expected perception of her outward self.

"I've been expecting you," one may hear another say upon one's arrival. And,

"What do you expect," may be what one hears when the outcome of one's behaviour seems obvious. These are common phrases used when trying to convey a sense of probability and anticipation. Finding its roots in the Latin word, exspectare, to look forward to, expect is often used when wanting to convey a high degree of certainty of an event occurring (http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/expect). One often expects based on previous experience and knowledge, for to have a high sense of certainty, there must be a certain sense of knowing. When I first moved to Edmonton from Vancouver, I was unfamiliar with freezing winters. The only winter "jacket" I possessed was made of fleece. Yes, I had heard of Edmonton's cold. And because I had not experienced it, the words I heard of it registered little. When it snowed in

October and temperatures proceeded to fall below -20,1 realized I would need a different coat. For each of the seven winters that I have now been in Edmonton, my expectations of its winter have been different. I now expect snow in October, and

March. I expect weeks of wind chills of-27.1 expect to leave for work in darkness and to return from work in darkness. This is Edmonton. These are its winters. I know this because of Edmonton's history and because of my experiences of it. I base my expectations for this current winter upon this knowledge.

Rachel Evans also bases her expectations on her knowledge. She has expectations of how she looks as academic when in front of her class. She mentions wearing a blazer, which suggests a certain degree of professional appearance. Based on Rachel's previous experience of giving lectures, she holds certain expectations regarding her appearance. Spit up on her shoulder does not fit into her realm of expectation. It does not fit into her knowledge as to what an academic looks like. Most likely, Rachel has never seen spit up on one of her own professors, be it a man or a woman. Spit up does not factor into Rachel's probability equation of her appearance as academic. Thus, the appearance of spit up on her own blazer catches Rachel's attention.

In the midst of her academic lecture, Rachel is reminded that she is mother.

And although she is in academic space and time, Rachel is quickly able to adapt to having spit up as a part of her academic appearance. While its first notice causes her to pause, she is quickly able to incorporate it into her lecture and to, "get on with it." She adapts so easily because being mother is not separated from being academic. This presentation of mother and academic is unexpected; and yet, "it (isn't) a big deal" because Rachel is not one without the other. She acknowledges and accepts this unexpected event with ease.

Rachel's self allows this to be so. It knows that it is made up of various parts, and that these parts make up her whole. It enables Rachel to continue teaching, with spit up on her blazer, with minimal interruption. It makes flexing and adapting possible. Because of this, Rachel is able to exist and respond to her experience with little effort. Though unexpected, there is a sense of fit that Rachel is quickly able to experience and establish. It is unexpected, and it fits.

I remember this one time I was nursing and I got, I had a little bit of mastitis, but I had this PhD exam of someone. You know when you get mastitis you're supposed to go right away and get antibiotics. You know why they tell you that? There's a reason why they tell you that. But I had this exam and so I'm like, "I can't tell someone they're not having their PhD exam today because I have mastitis." So I just took some aspirin and had this PhD exam, and then got this large cyst and I had to get it surgically drained. It was like so terrible. Like, " Oh, that's why they tell you to go right away! Because you could be so sick 24 hours later." And I remember my husband was looking after my kids. So I had to drive myself, by myself, to the hospital, get my surgery, and drive myself home. The surgeon's like, "Now how are you going to get home?" I said, "Well I'm going to drive." And he goes, "Well, take care." So I think that's just trying to fit things in.

One reality of being an academic is examining committees. A meeting is arranged between several academics and the student. This can be a difficult task, as the various schedules must be considered and accommodated. Finally, once an agreeable date has been reached, the examination can take place. Often, much effort and flexibility are required to establish this date. Because of this, an emergency is often the only reason deemed appropriate to request a rescheduling. The cost of rescheduling is perceived as too great. Therefore, the need to reschedule must be that much greater.

Like many academics, Ellen Young is a member of one of these committees.

Unlike many academics, she is nursing mother as well. Being nursing mother and academic has its complications. Ellen's experience is no exception.

Ellen's body, as nursing mother, is in a state of crisis. It requires medical attention. Ellen is aware of this need. She is aware of her need as nursing mother.

Ellen is also aware of her need as academic. There is a PhD examination scheduled of which she is to be a part. It appears that there is no room for both needs to be met in this instance. And yet, Ellen will try. For the sake of being academic, she will try.

Ellen chooses to try to pacify her need as mother in order to fulfill her need as academic. Her body cannot alter its course because of this choice. No matter her obligation as academic and her choice to fulfill it, Ellen's body must experience the consequences of having been made to wait. Even though her health problem is one of mother, her body as a whole experiences the cost of the delay. When choosing to respond to her responsibility as academic before attending to her responsibility as mother, Ellen's whole being suffers. Choosing to listen to the needs of her body seems to be a common struggle for the woman who is academic, mother, and wife.

Ellen attempts to, "just (try) to fit things in." She attempts to address both, pressing needs. As experienced by other women in this study, when a pressing need as mother exists, often the first course of action is to address that need. All other responsibilities seem to become secondary. One wonders how justified Ellen would have felt if she had called her mastitis an "emergency," and therefore suitable grounds for examination rescheduling? Indeed, the inconvenience would have been significant to some. In fact, it seems that Ellen deems this inconvenience greater than the one she experiences by choosing her body, and her need as mother, second. One wonders how

Ellen's perception of her peer's acceptance of being mother and academic affected her choice?

And I remember bringing him, both my kids I remember, bringing them to work when something was happening. I remember once there was a department council meeting or something to do with curriculum. I can't even remember what it was. It had something to do with curriculum that was getting discussed and decided. And I felt like I wanted to be there and be involved and say what I was going to say. And so I came and I brought the baby and that memory's quite distinct because he got fussy and I had to nurse him. And there was one particular colleague that was like, who just couldn't handle that, the fact that I was sitting there nursing and participating in this meeting at the same time. I found it kinda humorous actually. He was so incredibly uncomfortable with that. It was obvious that he was uncomfortable with that. That was quite funny.

Madeline Cote has a choice to make. She can chose to stay home and be with her nursing baby and miss her departmental meeting, she can chose to find care for her baby so that she can attend her departmental meeting alone, and she can chose to attend her meeting and bring her nursing child. Madeline chooses the latter. For the woman who is academic, mother, and wife, missing a responsibility as academic seems to be done only when there are no other options and when the cost to her child is too great. This meeting is important to Madeline. Being with her baby is important to Madeline. And so, she creates a fit between the two.

Unlike most academics who attend a departmental meeting, Madeline Cote's responsibilities stretch far beyond her responsibilities as academic at that moment in time. She is not able to solely focus on the meeting and its purpose. Her full attention cannot be given to the agenda and the discussions surrounding it. Madeline Cote has chosen to bring her baby with her to this meeting. Therefore, Madeline is inwardly and outwardly both academic and mother in this space and time. She must attend to her fussing baby, no matter the conversation and the state of the meeting. Madeline wants to be able to respond to her baby when he needs her. It is for this reason that she brings him to the meeting. When her baby's need for her arises, Madeline is present, able, and willing to respond. This is what she wants to be able to do. She wants to be able to respond as mother, no matter her focus as academic. Thus, Madeline's responsibilities during this meeting are more than meeting-related. They are also mother-related.

When Madeline's baby begins to fuss, Madeline as mother knows how to respond. It matters not that she is in a meeting as academic or that her academic colleagues surround her. Madeline responds as mother, for she is mother. Only, one of

Madeline's colleagues does not seem prepared to see her as mother and being mother—at least not nursing mother.

It seems that Madeline's male colleague is not accustomed to having the nursing mother be a part of his experience as academic. He does not appear to be in favour of the nursing mother in his space as academic. This meeting is of an academic nature. It is on academic grounds, during academic work time. There appears to be little room in his comfort zone for nursing mother, who is also academic, to attend.

One again considers William Hogarth's engraving, Scholars at a Lecture (1822), and is reminded that nursing mother, or mother, or woman for that matter, has no place in his depiction of scholarly achievement. It seems that for Madeline's colleague, this depiction remains, at least as far as nursing mother is concerned. Or, at least, he is surprised and uncomfortable when the woman who is academic and mother nurses in his academic space.

Madeline finds humour in her experience. She finds humour in her male colleague being uncomfortable because of her choice to nurse while in a meeting as academic. Humour is often used for the purpose of protection (Olsson et al., 2002). It is often used to make unpleasant situations more bearable, or uncomfortable situations less awkward. One need only to recall a time in which there has been seemingly inappropriate laughter in a serious situation. Humour relieves anxiety, stress, and discomfort. It helps to make a situation endurable. And so, Madeline finds humour in her experience. By finding humour, she is able to endure this experience, for her colleague's response is not reasonable to her. Yes, Madeline knows why her colleague responds as he does; and, she does not share his perspective.

With such a response as this, should one really be surprised when the woman who is academic and mother chooses to keep her self as mother as undetectable as she can when in her space as academic? One may better understand why Ellen Young chooses to attend her meeting instead of to attend to her body as mother and to see a doctor. One may better understand why Mia Cameron chooses to keep the news of her pregnancy silent until she knew she had gained a SSHRC. It seems that there is an uncertainty as to how the academic culture will respond to one's self as mother.

Madeline Cote chooses to outwardly show her self as mother to her colleagues during their meeting. Not all of her colleagues seem to favour this approach. Not all seem to have a sense of fit as far as being mother and academic is concerned.

I remember there were three boys born within two months of each other among the departmental colleagues. And we were at some sort of departmental reception and the three babies were there and most people are talking about diapers and things like that and we're talking about research. And you know, handling kids and doing diapers, sort of like you can do it all together .... Everybody was researchers ... and here are the three brand new babies and we're all talking about research and things, and doing parenting at the same time.

For Val Jeffries and her colleagues, there appears to be room in academia for the woman who is mother and academic. While Val and her colleagues attend this social gathering outside of the academic setting, they speak of their research. They are academics. Having their babies with them does not separate them from this. They are mothers. Being with their colleagues does not remove them from this. They "do" diapers. They talk data. They, "do it all together." There seems to be a sense of fit within and between the two. Perhaps it is the setting that helps foster this? Perhaps it is the people? It seems that it varies as to whether or not one's self as mother will be warmly received when amongst one's colleagues as academic.

But the problem was, I was the director. Before me was Joan. Before that was Beth. I don't remember who it was before, but everyone within two years of being director had a child. So (the department) then hired a man after me 'cause we all had children. We all had children in the position.

For three appointments in a row, the department of which Val Jeffries speaks has hired women to hold the leadership position. Each woman, while holding this position, becomes pregnant and takes her maternity leave. Each woman therefore, has to be replaced before the department expects to need to find a successor. Val states that the department, "then hire(s) a man." She seems to suggest that the hiring of her successor is affected by gender. Being a man, he will not become pregnant and leave on maternity leave. Yes, there is the current option of paternity leave, and this does not seem to have been relevant in Val's experience. Val's perception and understanding seem to be that her successor is at least somewhat chosen according to his gender. For

Val, the message she receives is that being a woman in a leadership position may be more inconvenient for the department because of the possibility of her pregnancy and ensuing maternity leave. This is Val's interpretation. No doubt, it affects her sense of just how much room there is in academia for the woman who is academic and mother.

While she enjoys talking research and handling diapers with her colleagues at a social function, she is also aware of her belief regarding how her successor is chosen.

For the woman who is academic and mother, the room in academia does not appear to be predictable, stable, or constant. The room is at times welcoming and warm, and at other times small and uninviting. It appears that different women experience the room differently across departments, colleagues, and time. While some women feel comfortable with being outwardly mother and academic, others seem hesitant. It seems that the room, at best, varies. So women choose to help themselves.

They choose to help each other. Knowing the room in which they work, they extend assistance and help to one another. In this way, they create their own system within the room of academia. They make their own room.

The Network

You do need a network. Very important. You make one. It's not automatic. (Devon James, personal communication, June 19, 2006) Stemming from a combination of the two terms, net and work, the term network refers to, "net-like arrangements . . . any interlocking system, interconnected group of people (http://www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=network& searchmode=none). One envisions a net and may picture a series of cords, fabric or wires that are bound together at regular intervals. Many cords make up a net and together they form one, larger piece. The cords come together at the knots and then separate again until they are brought together again by another knot. A net is made up of items that come together and then separate, and come together once again. Whether together at the site of a knot, or separate in-between the knots, the cords always exist as parts of the larger piece. When there is a tear or breach in the system of knots, great effort is made to repair the damage so that the net can function successfully as a whole once again. When one knot hurts, the whole system is affected.

Many types of networks exist, with perhaps the most popular being the

Internet, or the International Network. Touted as the "network of networks," the

Internet is a collection of computer networks that is accessible across the globe

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet). From the comfort of one's own home, one can access resources and information from anywhere in the world through the use of this network. These resources are available at any time and to anyone accessing them.

They are there at the "click" of a mouse pad.

Devon James speaks of a similar network, only it does not consist of copper wires and fibre-optic cables. Devon's network is made up of people, namely, her female colleagues. Like the Internet, this network is readily available to provide resources as needed to those who access it. Devon is a member of a network of female academics who help the woman who is academic, mother, and wife. As such a woman, Devon James finds this network essential. It is a "need."

So I would drop Julia off in the morning, which was not a problem because her school was in the bus zone of the campus and the yellow bus would drop her off here. But I was not free at three o'clock everyday. So I hired one of my students to be at the bus everyday to pick her up and bring her to my office ....

There was one day ... the student had forgotten one day. She had a funeral and had forgotten to tell me she wouldn't be (available).... So I went to class, not thinking anything was amiss. And then when I get back to my office there's a note on my door from another colleague, "Julia is with me in my office." And I'm thinking, "What?!!" So here I go, I run over to the other office and sure enough Julia is there with her. I say, "What are you doing here?!" Well, her sons got off the bus here. So she was at the bus stop meeting her sons. Julia gets off the bus and there's nobody to meet her. So Julia takes off by herself. And Jane decides she's going to follow her. So Julia had made her way to my office. The door was locked, so she sat down by the door, waiting for me. And Jane says, "I didn't want to leave her there 'cause I didn't know if you were here or at a meeting somewhere else in town." I thought, "Oh, I didn't plan for that." You know, that (the student) wouldn't be there.

A common fear for parents is having their child unattended. Parents make great effort to ensure that their children will be supervised and provided for. Babysitters, nannies, daycares, family members, and friends are all a part of a parent's system of

"possible supervision" for their child. Devon James has such a system in place. She has hired a student to meet her five-year old daughter at the bus stop and to walk her daughter to her office. This arrangement allows Devon to continue in her work as academic without interruption. It also gives Devon as mother peace, as she knows her child is being supervised. With this peace as mother, Devon can continue as academic.

Returning from her class on this particular day, Devon is greeted by a startling note. This note shocks Devon the academic to focus as Devon the mother. No longer might she be reflecting on her class and the experience of it. This note has brought an end to any thoughts as academic and has connected her immediately to her self as mother.

Even though Devon is informed that her daughter is with her colleague, Devon

"run(s)" to her colleague's office. The note notifies her of her child's location and safety; and still, Devon runs. This unexpected change in her daughter's location startles Devon. The fact that her daughter is not at her expected and arranged meeting place causes Devon's alarm. Devon had made plans as academic and mother so that this sort of situation does not occur. Yet, it does occur. Devon's worst fear as mother becomes a reality—her plan fails and she thinks that her child is alone. Only, her child is not alone. Her child was never alone.

As a part of the network, Devon's colleague makes Julia her responsibility.

She makes Julia's safety her concern. She knows who Devon's child is. She recognizes her. This recognition allows her to help. It requires a degree of knowing about her colleague. It suggests a level of sharing between Devon and her colleague that would have been done beforehand. Devon's colleague sees Devon's child without her arranged supervision and immediately fills the need. She does not know Devon's whereabouts. She does not know Devon's plans. All she knows is that a member of the network requires a resource. And as a member, she provides it. The act of filling in and providing the resource seems automatic. When there is a need in the network, the network responds.

I remember when the older daughter was an infant, I was doing my Masters and I had, there was a mix up. I thought I was being given one assistantship that would allow me to research work and reading and library work for my advisor but in fact they switched it and gave me a different assistantship that meant being a TA for a class .... And what it meant was that I had to be there Friday mornings. Most everything else was pretty negotiable but I had to be there Friday mornings. So it caught me by surprise because I hadn't expected it and I got a phone call from the fellow who's teaching the course and he said, "Do you know they assigned you to me?" And I said, "No." So I had very little notice that I needed to be there on the Friday morning and Megan was only several weeks old, and I thought, "Oh my god, what am I going to do?"

So I didn't have a babysitter lined up, and my friend who was working here at the time as a sessional or practicum associate, she said, "Bring her in, I'll watch her for the two hours you've got class." And I said, "Ohhh!" I was very grateful that she would do that.... But she had little children of her own, so it was quite an offer. She said, "Come in and I'll watch her for the two hours. How much trouble can she be?" So I came and left her for the two hours .... But that phone call, when I got that phone call from the instructor to say, "Did you know you were assigned to me?" I just thought, "No. Take it away. I can't do this."

Mia Cameron is not prepared for the call that informs her that she is expected to leave her newborn on Friday mornings to teach her class. She does not think that she needs to be prepared. She receives a call as academic and panics as mother and academic, for she cannot imagine how she will manage this situation. It feels impossible. In her panic, Mia sees no solution. She does not have childcare arranged and therefore feels unable to respond. When unprepared as mother, Mia's ability to respond as academic is significantly impaired.

In the midst of this panic, another woman who is academic and mother steps forward. She is a colleague, and she is a part of the network. She readily offers Mia the support and resource that she needs so that Mia can meet both of her responsibilities as academic and mother. Mia's colleague allows Mia's situation to be her concern. She shares in Mia's burden and offers herself as a solution. As members of this network, Mia's colleague takes it upon herself to offer assistance to Mia. This is what the network does. This is why it exists. This is how it operates. One day I had a meeting at seven-thirty in the morning. And I thought, "Oh my gosh, I can't drop her off at school at seven." So I would drop her off at a colleague's house and then the colleague would drive her to school....

I had to be at a retreat at the other campus for eight o'clock. So I asked this colleague, who has a, her daughter and Julia are friends but they don't go to the same school anymore. I said, "I have to be there." I said, "Would it be possible for me to drop her off at your house and then she can take the city bus . ... " She goes, "Oh, heck no! I'll drive her to school!" So that's what she did. She drove her to school. She goes, "What time does she have to be there? What time do I leave the house?" I said, "Leave the house at eight- fifteen, that's plenty of time." She goes, "Okay." Even though it was a different school. She drove her to school.

For the women who belong to the network, more than family, friends, babysitters and nannies are used to help ensure that their responsibility as mother is addressed. The women who belong to this network have established relationships that allow them to consider each other as resources and supports. Their relationships with each other extend far beyond colleagues or fellow faculty members. Their relationships enter a far more personal realm.

Devon James shares an experience in which the relationships with her female colleagues help her to meet her responsibilities as mother and academic. She is able to attend her meeting as academic and her retreat as academic because of her network of female academics. Her fellow female faculty are not just work colleagues. They are not just people with whom she shares a hallway. They are not people with whom

Devon only discusses academic-related material. Yes, she knows these colleagues because of and through her work as academic. And, this is not the sole reason why they have a relationship or why they continue to develop their relationship. These women have found greater reason than academia to nurture and foster their relationships amongst one another. This reason exists because they are women who are mother and academic.

I consider the various people with whom I work. They are men and women.

There are those within my age group, and those above and below it. There are those with whom I share a connection and those with whom I do not. And then there are those with whom a connection has never even been attempted or offered. "Where do you work," someone asks my colleague? "At an office," she replies. Such a strange response to me, "At an office." This colleague is a psychologist who works at the university. There is much she could say in response to the question. And yet, she says so little. "At an office," tells nothing of what she does and where she does it. Even if the desire is to keep detailed information private, one could certainly respond to this question in a less evasive manner and still maintain one's privacy. And yet, she does not. Is it any wonder that I have a purely "work-related" connection with this colleague?

There are varying relationships among the colleagues of any workplace. There are those with whom one shares weekend plans, those with whom one freely discusses family and personal experiences, and there are those with whom work is the only shared experience. There are colleagues who I do not include in other parts of my life.

I see them only at work, during work hours. I talk to them only within the work environment. These are "work people." And then there are others who I include in other, non-work-related areas of my life. For the women who belong to the network, their relationships extend far beyond work, meetings, and deadlines. They are not just work colleagues. They are not just academics. Their female colleagues who are mothers and academics are not just people down the hall. They are co-workers and co- parents. They are to one another: helper, supporter, comforter, babysitter, child- minder, and taxi service. They are fellow caregivers to each other and to each other's children as the needs arise.

I remember we had colleagues who were pregnant and they'd go, "Ohh, I feel ...," and I said, "I have crackers in my office! Do you need crackers?" (Devon James)

Belonging to this network includes being the "go-to" person when another member needs help. It includes "standing in" for another member when the one woman alone cannot meet the demands of mother and academic. Belonging to the network means that one makes it her concern that another is able to be mother and academic responsibly.

There is shared openness among the network about their responsibilities as both academic and mother. There is a level of knowing, sharing, and being known.

Not only is Devon able to recognize the physical state of her female colleague, she knows what will help her colleague, and she has the resource to provide it. These women are academics and mothers. They know the challenges of being mother and academic in the space of academia. They come together to help each other, given who they are and where they work. Chapter 9: Sharing

Being a mom was the most important. So anytime that I had to be a mom, and then really came my studies, then came my husband .... (Claire Olson)

My kids are always first. My husband's second. He can accept that. Ya, he can wait. He understands. "Okay, we'll do something together next weekend," or whatever. We'll make our time.

(Madeline Cote)

Originating from the Old English word, scearu, the verb to share means, "to portion" and to, "divide one's own and give part to others" (http://www.etymonline

.com/index.php?search=share&searchmode=none). The woman who is academic, wife, and mother seems to give of herself in this way. She realizes that there are different parts of her self, each with different demands for energy and time. Given that her energy and time have finite reserves, she must portion their allocation wisely. She must portion them according to priority and need. She shares her energy, her presence, and her time among and between those parts of her self, as she deems necessary. There appears to be a type of prioritizing in this sharing. Not every part of her self receives the first or biggest portion of energy, time, and attention. One part receives the first portion while other parts must wait. One part receives a large portion, while parts receive a small. One such part of the self that seems to wait for its smaller portion is that of being wife.

Where does being wife rank, if you will, in the portioning of time and energy for the woman who is academic, mother, and wife? For Claire Olson and Madeline

Cote, it seems that there is a sense of priority between and among the parts of their selves. For both women, their greatest sense of responsibility is towards being mother.

Being wife receives its portion anywhere after this.

There seems to be an understanding and acceptance of this order of portioning.

As Madeline states of her husband, "He can accept that... he can wait." In other words, he can accept not receiving her first portion. He can accept being "second" in the dispensation of the sharing of her self. It is also to say that Madeline accepts being mother as her first portion. She accepts being wife as second. "He can wait. He understands." And so does she. Her self as wife can wait and it understands. The self as wife understands that being mother receives the first share of Madeline's energy and focus. Being wife accepts its share after this.

For Claire Olson, being wife receives the third portion. As with Madeline and the other women of this study, being mother receives the first share, and being academic seems to demand the second. Being mother is the part of the self to which these women feel the most highly responsible, "Being a mom was the most important." This is stated as fact. It is stated unquestionably and undeniably. Only when this part of the self has been attended to can Claire give the next portion. And often, this next portion is allocated to being academic. As learned from previous chapters, being academic does not seem to appreciate its place in the portioning. It constantly pushes and pulls to be first. It constantly calls the woman, demanding a greater portion of her time and energy. It reminds one of the child who is waiting in line and who has yet to be served. This child is restless. He cannot stand still. He cranes his head to see when it will be his turn and to see what he will be receiving. He may call out while in line. He may whine. He may complain. He is not satisfied with being next. He wants to be first, and his impatience shows this. This seems to be how being academic accepts its placement. It may accept it, though perhaps begrudgingly.

And one may question if it at all understands.

Being wife however, seems to understand. It does not appear to be as discontent with its placement in the sharing. It does not seem to apply the same pressure on the woman and to call as constantly, as does being academic or being mother. It seems satisfied to wait its turn. And as Madeline claims, "We'll make our time." Time will be made. It is not a question of if; rather, it is only a matter of when.

Being wife knows this. It seems satisfied in this delay because of this certainty.

Being wife seems to understand in a way that is not typical of being mother or academic. Unlike these parts of her self, being wife understands that there are other parts of the self to which the woman must first attend. There are other parts that call her, and there seems to be an acceptance of this. Being wife does not seem to require the same amount of undivided attention and primary focus. It seems that these women can successfully be wife without this part being the one that receives the first or largest share. There seems to be a tolerance in being wife that is uncharacteristic of the other parts of the woman's self.

How does the woman who is academic and mother experience being wife?

When the portion is being given to being wife, how is this experienced? The dynamics are many. The sharing of her self as wife takes several forms. It reaches to realms of experience that include being teammate, co-worker, co-parent, and can even mean being wife to "house husband." Wife as Teammate

We've gone to conferences a number of times together and taken the kids. So then there was always, when they were little you can't leave them alone or leave them with anybody else really, so we have to schedule exactly who's going to what session at what time, you know. And we've done the thing where we're kind of standing in the hallway and passing the baby off from one to the other because it's the other person's turn to go to their session. We've done that a number of times. And it doesn't work very well because nobody gets, I'd rather go to a conference by myself because you can just go and concentrate on what you're doing, and enjoy the conference, and not feel like you're trying to do too many things at once.

Madeline attends her conference in a way that requires a unique sharing of her focus and time. She does not attend only as academic, where the responsibilities of being mother and wife do not require a share. Instead, Madeline chooses to attend this conference with her husband and with her child. This creates an experience in which

Madeline must share. She must portion her energy, time, and focus between and amongst being academic, mother, and wife. This is no ordinary conference.

Attending the conference with her child means that Madeline attends not just as academic, but also as mother. To do this single-handedly would be a demanding hardship. Thankfully, Madeline also attends this conference with her husband.

Therefore, she also attends as wife. Being wife at this conference means that she is, and therefore has, a teammate to help her. Both Madeline Cote and her husband attend a conference together. They attend together, as members of the same team. They attend together, and separately, for each person attends meetings apart from the other.

Madeline attends as academic, as mother, and as wife. She is aware of the need to share her attention and energies between these three parts of her self. Madeline and her husband bring their baby with them. This means that they, as teammates, share being the primary care giver for their child. For Madeline, the experience of time at this conference is shared between time as mother, time as wife, and time as academic. Madeline is able to experience time as academic when her husband is caring for their baby and she is therefore able to attend a session. She experiences time as mother when it is her husband's turn to attend a meeting and she is now the primary care giver. She experiences time as wife when she meets her husband in the hallway and they complete the hand-off as teammates.

The hand-off.

It is a tactic frequently used in football. The quarterback calls for the ball and instead of throwing the ball to the receiver, chooses to transfer the ball to the receiver by placing the ball in the other's hands. This is a hand-off. It is the safest way to exchange possession and responsibility. In a moment, the duty of carrying and protecting the ball transfers from one person to another. While one player begins the play without this responsibility, and ends the play with this being his primary responsibility, the other player experiences the reverse. This is the play. This is the plan. It is among the safest ways to progress down the field while securing the ball.

The hand-off occurs between teammates. One does not hand-off the ball to a member of another team. That would be considered a turnover. A hand-off can only be carried out when at least two teammates are present. To be on the same team is imperative.

To have a teammate is also to say that one is a teammate. One cannot have a team without being on a team. Being teammates is reciprocal. One gives as a teammate. One receives as a teammate. It is this dynamic that allows the hand-off to occur.

As Madeline goes from mother time to academic time, she hands-off her baby to her husband. She experiences being wife as teammate. This time is experienced as a type of "changing of the guard." With the hand-off, one parent is freer to be academic, while the other is freer to be parent. For Madeline, having her husband attend the same conference means that she has a teammate with whom this hand-off can occur. It means that she has a teammate and that she is a teammate. She can responsibly attend her conference, knowing that her child is safe.

The hand-off is an integral play that allows Madeline and her husband to even attempt attending this conference together. Being teammates enables them to responsibly care for their baby and to responsibly be academics. It does not enable them to do one or the other. It makes it possible to do both. For Madeline, being wife makes it easier to be academic and mother at this conference.

However, Madeline speaks of the hand-off as not being the ultimate solution for the person who is attending a conference as mother, wife, and academic. Being a teammate and having a teammate with whom to complete the hand-off makes attending the conference possible even though it does not make for the perfect conference experience. While being wife as teammate allows her to share her energies and to attend her sessions, it does not allow her to, "just go and concentrate on what you're doing, and enjoy the conference." Having her primary three parts of her self calling to her during her conference interferes with Madeline's experience at the conference. She has a sense that she is, "trying to do too many things at once." In sharing, the parts of her self are not clearly separated. She does not have complete freedom as academic when she places her child in her husband's arms and leaves for her session. She does not have complete freedom as mother when she is with her child and not in session. She cannot concentrate as solely as she would like because there is overlap in the sharing of her attention. It seems that Madeline would rather direct her energies towards her conference, or not attend at all. Sharing, and shifting back and forth, is too distracting and demanding. It does not allow the "uni- focus" that she desires. Thus, while being wife makes being academic and mother at this conference more doable, the experience has its frustrations.

Herein lies the difference between playing a solo sport and playing a team sport. When playing a solo sport, one's sole responsibility is to focus on the opponent and oneself. One depends on no one for help. One's success, or lack of, is entirely one's own responsibility. There is a freedom in this. Whereas, when playing a team sport, one does not operate alone. One depends on her teammates to succeed. One must be aware of her teammates and mindful of them. Success as a team member depends upon the team. The team's struggles become each member's struggle. Other players' mis-plays become each member's concern. Not only must one ensure that her play is solid, one must also be ready to react according to the play of her teammates.

While Madeline attends her conference as teammate, and therefore receives help as academic and mother, she also takes on the stress and responsibility of aiding her teammate to be who he is. She does not have the privilege of only being responsible for herself. She is also responsible for her teammate and his responsibilities. Being teammate provides support for Madeline. It also requires that she provides support for her teammate. Thus, the support increases, as does the responsibility.

Jeremy was sick. Usually we were pretty well organized so that was good. But being sick would be a problem. The nice thing is he got chicken pocks on Friday of the long weekend. So you can't go back to school for 10 days. Three days there, two days the next weekend. We only have five days to cover. And so it's, I mean if you're going to get chicken pocks, and they counted Friday for some reason, so we only had four days to cover.

My husband and I worked out a schedule so it would be, "Okay I have a meeting at this time, and I have to teach at this time," and lots of running back and forth. At that time I think we only had one car and he had used the car mostly so I would ride my bike back and forth to school and he would have the car and we would do the massive exchanges .... So that was a little awkward ... but it worked. Everything works.

When Val Jeffries' child is sick, Val experiences time as, "days to cover."

These are days in which her responsibility as mother is extended. The time in which she is responsible as mother is lengthened, for her child is not under the care of his school during the day. Because Val is wife as teammate, the providing of this extra care is not only Val's concern. This concern is shared among teammates. Val and her husband must account for this time.

Both Val and her husband are academics. They are also teammates. They are a part of a team that seeks to have each player succeed in being academic, succeed in caring for their child, and therefore succeed as a team. There are four unexpected days in which Val and her husband must now care for their child. How are they to accomplish this?

Like Madeline and her husband at their conference, Val and her husband execute the "hand-off." This allows them to pursue their responsibilities as academics while also enabling them to be responsible as parents. It is an invaluable move. It is also "awkward." Val describes undergoing "massive exchanges" with her husband and son at the school. One parent is leaving, and one is arriving. One is bringing the son for the exchange, and one is receiving him. There is coming and going, giving and taking. The experience is stressful. It is difficult. And it allows them to successfully tend to all of their responsibilities that week. Like Madeline's experience of being wife as teammate, Val's is also one of support and stress.

And when I was Associate Chair, we had people in the department who were married and have children. I would work out their teaching schedules so that if a child was sick, there would not be any need to hand-off, 'cause I've been through the hand-off that week of chicken-pocks. There would be no need for hand-offs. So one person taught Tuesday, Thursday. The other taught Mon, Wed, Fri. So there'd be no problem then .... Hand-offs are not fun.

The hand-off is invaluable. It is also, "not fun." Madeline and Val agree on this. There is pressure when attempting it. Will it succeed? How can we make it work?

What things should be rearranged or altered in order to give the hand-off the greatest probability of success? There is stress in the forming and executing of the hand-off.

Val Jeffries and Madeline Cote know this because they have experienced it as mothers, academics, and wives. Their husbands know this. They know it jointly, as teammates.

Val Jeffries uses her experience to inform her decisions as Associate Chair.

She arranges the schedules of married faculty within her department so that, "There would be no need for hand-offs ... there'd be no problem then." The hand-off helps negotiate through a "problem." It is difficult and challenging. It requires manoeuvring and flexibility. It is a situation that demands consideration, planning, and action. And it is a situation that, out of understanding and empathy, Val tries to ensure that her

fellow staff do not experience.

I'd say it was really tough in the first year when we had young babies because they get sick .... The first year I'd say they were sick, and fortunately we never had our teaching overlap. So fortunately one of us would have the kid at home and come into school, meet in the parking lot, trade the kid, the other person would go teach. There was one time we had lectures actually, like one of us was the first lecture of the day and one of us was the second. So we just had that ten-minute change in the middle to swap the kid in the parking lot.

"Passing the baby off." "Massive exchanges." "Hand-offs." "Swap." These are the terms used to describe the action undertaken when teammates exchange primary parenting responsibilities. Ellen Young describes the hand-off as a "swap" and a

"trade." Something is given in order to attain.

When "swapping" or "trading," one's intention is to gain something that better suits him or her than what one currently has. Often there is compromise. In order to upgrade in a certain area, one may have to downgrade in another. One agrees to this compromise because what one is gaining may be a better fit than what one is giving away. In a swap or trade, both people are recipients and both are givers. Both walk away from the act, believing that they have gained in some way. In fair trades, there is no losing side. Both people can succeed.

For Ellen Young and her husband, their child is traded between them so that each can teach his or her lecture. Both are academics. Both have lecture responsibilities. As teammates, they focus to ensure that they meet all of their responsibilities, not just their own individual ones. They meet in the parking lot and

"swap" their child. The parking lot is a place of coming and going. It is a place in which one picks-up and delivers. One gives the child in exchange for the freedom to be academic and to teach. One takes the child because he or she has just had the

freedom to be academic and to teach. For Ellen and her husband, the parking lot is the

playing field on which they execute their "hand-off." Both players are vital in making this play succeed.

Being wife as teammate means that Ellen, Val, and Madeline are and have

fellow team members who are knowledgeable in executing the hand-off. It means that

each of them have a teammate with whom to share each other's responsibilities.

Without the team, the hand-off could not succeed. Without it, the team and its

individual members would struggle more greatly.

Wife as Co-worker

I cooked supper, and then I went for a walk. And then, we have, even though she's fourteen, there's always one of us at home. So right now because he's working late, he's doing, it's report card week, so he's staying at school till seven-eight. So I go home right after the office closes. I go home. And so I said to him, "Now when is your stuff done?" He goes, "Wednesday." I said, "Okay, cause after that I have to stay at the office a few nights." There's one parent at home. So I'm gonna go home so he can work and then he'll come home so I can work.

For the woman who is academic, mother, and wife, being wife can also mean being co-worker. Being wife means that one has another schedule to consider besides one's own. It also means that one has a person with whom to negotiate so that things can be successful. Devon James and her husband both work. They both have jobs that require them to be away from home during the day, and sometimes during the evening. They do not work at the same job; yet, they are co-workers. They work together, jointly, to care for their daughter. They work separately, at their own individual jobs. And as co-workers, they negotiate. They negotiate responsibilities and schedules. They do this to ensure that their number one concern—caring for their daughter—is addressed successfully.

As co-workers, Devon and her husband share a goal - to have one parent at home while their daughter is at home. For Devon, her husband is someone with whom

she shares this goal. Her husband is someone with whom she must negotiate in order to achieve this. Both contribute to making this goal happen. Both contribute and both make it difficult. As employees, each has a work schedule and work demands that must be considered. At times, these demands overlap. Herein lies the negotiating.

Devon waits while her husband works so that she can then work. Together, they figure out a plan that allows each of them to work while not neglecting their shared parenting goal. Both Devon and her husband are essential in making this happen. It succeeds because they work together.

So technically I have an office but I never work in there. I work in the dining room table with my wireless. And my husband, usually he works in his office. But we can talk, "Hey, can you come proofread this?" So we do, we proof­ read each other's stuff. (Ellen Young)

He was trained to think, and write, and he likes writing a lot. And so he edits all my papers .... I can remember one paper I got a rejection on, "Beautifully written, we just don't agree with you ideas" (laughs). Now, I can't edit. It doesn't matter as a writer, you can write, but you still need editing. Everyone needs editing. Self-editing and other-editing. That's very nice ....

(Yvonne Yao)

Being co-worker can mean having a co-worker who is willing to help with one's academic work. I think of the staff meetings that I attend on a weekly basis.

Different topics are discussed, often with the need for someone to step forward and to oversee a particular job. Many times, more than one co-worker will step forward, agreeing to help the other with the task. People tend to volunteer based on the skills that they offer and on how their skills will compliment the other staff member involved. One may be talented at presenting, while the other may be skilled at researching. These qualities go well together when needing to give a presentation. Co­ workers seek to accomplish the work that needs to be done in a joint effort. In this way, not one person is responsible for the entire project. The work and responsibility is divided amongst the staff, making the project doable.

Both Ellen Young and Yvonne Yao are co-workers with their husbands. Their husbands offer knowledge and skills to help them as academics. For these women, being co-workers means that they have husbands as co-workers who are interested in their work as academics, and who view this work as a joint effort.

Ellen and Yvonne know that writing is a central component of being academic.

They write for publications, for lectures, and for presentations. While the writer edits her own work, it is also imperative to have another editor. This "other editor" has a distance from the work that the writer does not have. The editor is not inside the work.

He or she has a perspective that is not coloured by being the creator of the work that is being critiqued.

Ellen and Yvonne realize the worth of having someone on the outside of their writing review their writing. As a writer, one's work has become a part of oneself and it is difficult to evaluate it. One therefore seeks "other-editing." For Yvonne and Ellen, their husbands provide this.

Yvonne and Ellen's husbands are not hired as editors. They are not professional editors. They are husbands. They are co-workers. They are co-workers of women who are academics. Both have knowledge of writing and research. As co- workers, they offer this knowledge to their wives to help their wives with their work.

For these women, being wife as co-worker means having co-workers who are their editors. Together, these co-workers produce pieces of publishable quality for these women who are academics.

Being co-worker means that Ellen and Yvonne share their work as academics with their husbands. They learn from each other. They discuss with each other. They enhance their skills as wordsmiths. They enhance who they are as academics. In this way, being wife as co-worker compliments being academic. As Yvonne Yao states,

"That's very nice." It is very nice to have these parts of her self work so well together.

It is very nice when being wife can further develop her self as academic.

Wife as Co-parent

I also have to say in my family ... we really do half of the childcare .... For example, we phone each other all the time during the day and organize whose picking up whom. Like usually we don't know whose picking up whom until the end of the day. So today, my son has to go to the doctor, and my husband is in a course until five. So I will go get my son, take him to the doctor, and he'll go get my daughter at five. And we'll all meet at home.

With a young child, one of the many parenting responsibilities facing Ellen

Young and her husband is having to drive their daughter to where she needs to go.

Their young child cannot be left to fend for herself or to find her own means of transportation. This is the parents' responsibility. For Ellen Young, being wife means being a co-parent, and therefore having co-parent, with whom to share this responsibility.

Ellen Young and her husband know this responsibility well. Transporting their children is a daily responsibility for them. It provides one reason for constant contact. They help each other organize and plan. This requires multiple phone calls throughout

the day.

Neither Ellen nor her husband has schedules with 100% predictability. As the

day progresses, so too does their knowledge of their availability. It is with the arrival

of the "end of the day" that Ellen and her husband are able to organize and arrange

their taxi services. The end of the day brings with it an interruption in Ellen's

responsibilities as academic. It provides a window in which she can tend to her

responsibilities as mother and wife. As we have learned, it is not that her

responsibilities as academic stop with the ending of her day at school; rather, it is that

this time period offers an opening in which Ellen can focus on her self as mother and

what that entails. It is at this point that Ellen can assess her availability and what

energies and time she can portion as mother and wife, for she is part of a taxi service.

She is part of a parenting team.

Together, Ellen's husband and she work out the details of how to provide this

parenting service to their young children. It requires them to offer a complete service jointly, for both have work responsibilities. As co-parents, they are able to provide for

their children without needing extra help this time. Having the two of them available

and willing is all that is required in this case. And they are willing. They are willing

because together, they have taken on the responsibility of parenting. They have agreed

to parent and to offer the services of parents jointly. This is co-parenting.

Let's see, maybe last week I had to do this, do some work for this grant. So I did have to do, I was like, "Okay I have to do this one grant." So I have to get that done. So I did open my computer and say, "I have to do this grant." But then there (are) emails, so I did a little email. Did all sorts of things .... I just do them, then my husband plays with my kids and everybody's happy. As academic, Ellen feels the pressure to, "do some work for this grant." One

cannot ignore her language use of, "had to," "I did have to do," "I have to do this,"

and, "I have to get that done." The "academic child" is waiting in line for its portion,

and it does not want to wait any longer. Other parts of Ellen's self have received their

portions. Her self as academic is ready for its serving. For Ellen's academic self, this

must be done. But how is Ellen to give the focus necessary for such work when she is

at home and with her family? She cannot close her self off from her children, hoping

that they understand her pressure as academic. Her children are too young. They

cannot take care of themselves. Remember, as Claire Olson states, "Being a mom is

the most important." Thankfully for Ellen, being academic, mother, and wife, also

means being and having co-parent.

Being co-parent means that Ellen has someone with whom to share when she

needs to complete her work as academic. Ellen receives this gift of time to be

academic from her husband, as he tends to their children. She is able to focus on her

grant proposal and to respond to her emails as academic. Though in her home and in

the space of her family, she is able to focus as academic in this moment because she is

wife to a co-parent.

At times the co-parent taxis. At other times, the co-parent plays. Ellen's

husband is the playmate for their children during this experience. In being this, Ellen

as academic receives opportunity, time, and space to focus. Being co-parent means that Ellen can focus elsewhere while her children receive the care and attention that they need. According to Ellen, all are satisfied with this arrangement. Her children have a playmate in their father. Her husband has opportunity to be playful father and

helpful husband. And Ellen is able to address her needs as academic.

Without being co-parent and therefore having co-parent, Ellen would be far

less able to focus as academic only. Perhaps she would have to wait for her children to

go to bed? Then, with the fatigue of night, she could try to work on her grant. Or,

perhaps she would try to find someone to attend to her children? This arrangement

requires planning and energy that Ellen does not have to expend. Being co-parent

means that Ellen has someone with whom to share the parenting responsibilities. Not

only does this help Ellen as mother, but it helps Ellen as academic as well.

Twice (my husband) took Morgan to lecture when Morgan was sick .... Morgan had a sore throat or something like that. He just didn't feel all that well, and decided not to take him to school, and gave him some Tylenol. And he had a lecture. And so, and I was busy that day and I went, "Okay, okay, what are we going to do?" And he went, "Oh don't worry, I'm going to cancel my lecture." And I went, "Oh, okay, okay." But then he tricked, he lied to me. He didn't actually cancel his lecture, he took him (laughs) without telling me! 'Cause if I had thought he was going to take him to lecture, then I might have gone to great lengths to reorganize my day so he didn't have to do that to make it easier. But he went, "Okay, it's alright. I'll just cancel the lecture." Then he didn't actually, he took him to class and he had him sitting in the front. And I think they found that enjoyable. My son found that enjoyable.

The co-parenting team of Madeline and her husband view their child as the responsibility of each parent, and as the responsibility of themselves as parents jointly.

Both parents are conscientious about their child. One parent does not believe that tending to Morgan is the other parent's job. I have heard a parent say to the spouse, "I don't do diapers." I question the level of co-parenting in this regard. In co-parenting, both parents believe in sharing the duties and privileges of being parents. Neither wants to make his or her child the other's sole responsibility. They are partners in

parenting.

When their son, Morgan, is sick, both Madeline Cote and her husband feel the

need to ensure that Morgan is taken care of. This responsibility does not automatically

fall into the hands of one, specific parent; rather, they both feel it immediately. Both

set out to create a solution that will fit for their family. Madeline and her husband are

academics. Each has academic responsibilities that day. Both are parents. Both are

responsible for Morgan that day. When their son is sick, they tend to him first. Their

responsibilities as academics can only be met once their responsibilities as mother and

father have been addressed. Together, Madeline and her husband work out a plan.

Madeline is willing to reorganize her day as academic so that she can tend to her son

as mother. Madeline's husband is willing to cancel his lecture as academic so that he

can care for their son as father. Both Madeline and her husband are invested. They are

invested in their son and in being co-parents.

As co-parents, Madeline and her husband decide that the husband will provide the care for their son on this day. For Madeline, having a co-parent with this

willingness means that she can continue as academic in her day. Being co-parent means having a fellow parent who is willing to share in providing the needed care for their son. Madeline accepts this act of co-parenting.

Madeline's response to how her husband chooses to tend to their son is worth noting. While both her husband and son find the experience enjoyable, Madeline as mother and wife is immediately concerned with how she could have made this

"easier" for them, "If I had thought he was going to take him to lecture, then I might have gone to great lengths to reorganize my day so he didn't have to do that."

Madeline is willing to go to "great lengths" so that her husband could have attended his lecture without the responsibility of caring for their son. She, as co-parent, would have reorganized her day. She would have moved meetings, cancelled appointments, and done whatever it would take, so that her husband's experience would be "easier."

Immediately tending to her responsibilities as academic is not as important as tending to her responsibilities as mother and wife. She is willing to sacrifice because she is mother and wife and because she is part of a co-parenting team. And her teammate, her husband, is also willing to make a sacrifice. This is what it is to co-parent.

Wife to a House-Husband

Thus far, the women presented in this chapter are wives to men who are professionals. Often, being a woman who is academic, mother, and wife can even mean being wife to a fellow academic. Being wife to a fellow professional means that both experience the pressures of being professionals. There is stress in trying to ensure that all of their responsibilities as parents, spouses, and professionals are taken care of.

Does the experience of being wife change when one's husband is not employed outside of the home? How is the woman's experience as wife, mother, and academic impacted when her husband is primarily husband and father and is not academic/professional? How does her experience compare to the experiences of women who are wives to men with careers? The differences cannot be ignored.

My husband worked and he didn't like his work. And I really liked the university. And I liked teaching and the challenge of doing research, and all that (it) entailed. So he became a house-husband and took care of the children and me. So I don't have that typical... academic-wife conflict.... I didn't have those tensions .... He was a support. Didn't work outside the house. This was his life: me, the kids. When you have a working husband and a child, that's tension. But I didn't have that. I'm lucky I didn't have that....

I had a very good life because Steven . . . understood the pull of academics and practice and how hard you had to work in the university culture for a career, and for how it was organized. So he understood fully what I was doing. Which was great.

And so one key thing was after school when they came home, he was right there, always present to them, gave them a snack and wanted to hear about their day, "What had they learned?" And by the time I got home, which would be later ... it was about six-thirty, by that time they had talked to him about their day. They had played with their friends, practiced, or gone to a piano lesson, or whatever they were doing, and then we always had supper together. And Steven made supper. So that stress I never had, "Oh what are we going to have? Who bought the groceries?" And so I came home and sat down and we'd talk, and I'd say, "Well, tell me about your day." And they would tell me about the day, but not as richly or deeply as they told Steven ....

I'd come in, and we have a deck. I'd walk up through the back alley to the pathway to the deck. Coming in, I almost always saw the light on in the kitchen and Steven in the kitchen making something . . . the table was set. So I didn't have to do anything. The only thing I really liked doing was coming home. I would be kissed. That was the very first thing. I would come in and they're always happy to see me. And that was part of his parenting too. He was happy to see me, and the kids were happy. And he taught the kids early on to run to me. I would be coming home at night and they would run and they would grab me and hug me. And I would kiss them. Whatever they were doing - if they had friends over or whatever. That was an important part of the ritual. And Steven would take my coat.... They'd take my coat away, take my books away, "So glad to see you!" Then right after that I'd take off my clothing and change into my home clothing. And I loved eating in my at-home clothing verses my suit-clothing. There's nothing worse than a stained suit. You shouldn't worry about that, but that was me. Then change into my home clothes, jeans usually, running shoes. Then I'd sit down in my place and Steven would bring the food over .... So I feel like, my role . .. and what was it like to be a mother, I'm not typical....

Yvonne Yao paints a different picture of what it was like for her to come home as wife and mother after spending her day on campus as academic. As I heard and now read her experience, I become aware of a different sense within myself. I do not feel stressed for her. I do not feel strain. There is no empathizing pressure that I feel. Instead, I feel drawn to this light in the kitchen to which she refers. I sense the warmth of its glow and the peace that it conveys. It is an inviting scene and one in which I would like to participate and witness. She is greeted as mother and wife as she enters her home. Immediately, she is welcomed. Her garb as academic is put away. It is put away until her family ritual is completed. Her books are put aside. Her work clothes are changed. She puts on her "home clothes," sits down in her "place," as mother and wife at the table, and enjoys the experience of supping with her family. She knows that her experience is unique. It is "not typical." Yvonne refers to it as, "a good life."

Yvonne's experience of being mother, wife, and academic is different than those of the women previously described. Not only does it read and sound differently, it is experienced differently. Yvonne is aware of the differences. She is aware that her life is minus the usual tensions of the woman who is wife, mother, and academic. She knows that her life is without the "academic-wife conflict," and "those tensions," and that this is "not typical." She refers to the "academic-wife conflict" as a, "stress I never had." And she believes that she is "lucky" to have had the arrangement that she did.

I have heard women say, "Wouldn't it be nice to have a wife!" This comical statement is usually said when women are feeling overwhelmed by their responsibilities and would like to have someone take care of their home and family.

As research shows (Bianchi, Milkie, Sayer, & Robinson, 2000; Cohen & MacCartney,

2004; Evertsson & Nermo, 2004), compared to her husband, the average working woman completes the majority of the housework. Yvonne Yao and her husband have a different arrangement. Yvonne's experience of being wife is different because her husband is a

"house-husband." As such, she need not worry about the responsibilities of the home, as the other women of this study do. The sharing of co-parenting and co-working has a different distribution in Yvonne's experience. Dinner and groceries, and being available to pick up her children are not her responsibilities. In being wife to a house- husband, Yvonne is free to focus as academic throughout her day without the calls to mother. The arrangement works wonderfully for them, as Yvonne loves her work and

Steven loves being home. So Steven stays home and tends to the family, and Yvonne experiences being wife in a unique way, "This was his life—me, the kids." Yvonne's husband's two main priorities are his wife and children. There is no pull towards any professional responsibility. There are no conflicts and no contests between work and family. Because Yvonne's husband does not experience these, Yvonne experiences it less. Her experience of being wife, mother, and academic is much less the "juggler" who is described in Chapters 4 and 5.

Being wife to house-husband means that Yvonne's children have a father who is readily present to them. It also means that Yvonne is wife to a husband who is readily present to her. She has a husband who is available, "right there, always present." She has a husband who is devoted to being there emotionally and mentally for his family.

To be present with and to someone is to give oneself so intensely that a connection is shared in the living of an experience. It is a gift. It informs the other of her value and of the value of her experience. It informs someone that experiencing this together is important. As Yvonne Yao so beautifully describes it: If I'm with them (her children), I'm with them. They deserve .... It's always if I'm there, I'm there. Not distracted .... I try to say, "Right now I am with you and you are fascinating. You are fascinating to me. I choose to be in this relationship."

This is what it means to be present. This is how Yvonne experiences being wife to

house-husband.

While Yvonne is aware of the ease with which she is able to exist as mother,

wife, and academic, she is also aware of a cost. Yes, she is available to attend

meetings and conferences without being called as mother. She is able to leave her

home each day as academic, knowing that her children are being tended to and

provided for. This knowledge gives her a sense of peace. She knows this peace. And

in the midst of it, she senses a lacking, "And they would tell me about the day, but not

as richly or deeply as they told Steven."

For Yvonne, being wife to house-husband means that she is not the primary parent at home. She is the parent who leaves in the morning and returns at the end of the day. In this time, her children have lived full days of which she has not been a part.

Steven, on the other hand, has had the opportunity to experience their days with them.

Yvonne knows that she is missing this firsthand knowledge. Unlike her husband, she is not "right there" when her children arrive home from school. She does not have the benefit of listening to her children tell of their day with the freshness and energy that a first telling has. This privileged position is Steven's. It is his alone. Yvonne does hear about her children's day, but in a different way. She does not get to experience listening to her children's rich accounts. What she hears is the second account. And she knows that she is missing out as mother. Being wife to house-husband impacts her

experience as mother.

Yvonne's favourite part of the day is coming home. It is not leaving home as

academic; rather, it is coming home as mother and wife. While being academic is an

important part of who she is, it is not this part that she enjoys most fully, "The only thing I really liked doing was coming home." Home is not where Yvonne's primary

focus is academic. Home is that space and time and set of relationships that allows her to focus as mother and wife. Being these is what Yvonne looks most forward to. And her welcoming is sweet. She is greeted as mother and wife. She is kissed. She is welcomed into the home, a missing member whose return is celebrated. Gone are her thoughts as academic. Gone are those stresses. In their places is a family who celebrates her.

Yvonne experiences transformation. This transformation is felt in mind and body. "Some of my best thoughts are probably when I'm walking to work, or away from work," she reports. The walk home gives Yvonne transition time. She lives her day as academic, and leaving work does not mean that she leaves being academic behind. There are thoughts and plans made as academic as she walks home. This walk is important to all of Yvonne. During her walk, her focus shifts. She leaves with one focus and arrives with another. The walk home gives her academic self a sense of closure and it opens her to embrace the experience of mother and wife that is before her. Her sharing of her attention, her mind, her self, transition as her space changes.

Her body also experiences this shift. Upon entering the space where she is mother and wife, the relics of being academic are set aside. Her coat is removed—that symbol of coming and going—for she has arrived. Her books are taken away, for

being academic is no longer her primary focus. Yvonne seeks the space of her room

where she removes the outward apparel of academic and dons the attire of mother and

wife. This changing is important for her to experience her home as mother and wife. It

promotes relaxation. It supports her being present. In her suit, she would continue to

feel anxious about keeping her suit clean for the next work day on which it is to be

worn. Out of her suit, she is able to, "sit down in (her) place." Yvonne has a place in

her home. It is not one that requires the wearing of a suit. In fact, she fits better with

her place when in her jeans and running shoes. Yvonne's transition is complete. With

books out of hand and "home clothes" on, she sits with her family and offers herself,

entirely present with them, fascinated, and ready to share herself as mother and wife.

This is Yvonne's experience of being wife and mother. It is unique. She speaks

not of hand-offs. There are no references to taxiing and swapping. Being wife in this

particular way allows for this experience. It is one seldom experienced by the woman

who is academic, mother, and wife. Seldom is the woman who is academic and

mother, wife to a house-husband. Yvonne's experience is a contrast. It is peaceful.

And while peaceful, it too requires sacrifice.

To share is to sacrifice. One chooses to portion time and energy to one part of the self, while sacrificing to the other parts. To share is to choose those parts that receive and to choose those parts that do not. For the woman who is academic, mother, and wife, sharing is a requirement for success. She shares amongst and between the parts of her self. And, as with most sharing, the experience is rewarding. Being wife develops who she is as academic and mother. Being academic expands who she is as 290

mother and wife. Being mother broadens who she is as wife and academic. By sharing,

her experience as mother, academic, and wife is enriched. In its parts and as a whole, the development of her self is enhanced. Chapter 10: Sustaining

Probably just even a couple weeks ago, there's just so many things coming at me. I open email, and there's just expectation after expectation. It seems people could understand how many things that I have that I'm trying to manage and make decisions on. And so, as much as I felt that I need to deal with these things—'cause nobody else is going to deal with them if I don't deal with them—but I thought, "No, I need to leave." So ... I left and went to Chapters downtown. And I took some stuff from work with me but I mostly just wondered around Chapters. So I stayed there for a couple hours and browsed through some books, and had coffee, and had a pad of paper and sat and wrote a little bit—which is something that, I mean, certainly, I used to do a lot when the kids were really little, before I got studying, before I started to study I used to keep a journal a lot.... So I just sat there and did some writing and thought a lot about what I was doing, and why I was so stressed, and why I couldn't seem to get this turned around because it, I mean it isn't often that I just sort of up and tell my secretary, "I need to leave."

In the sanctuary of a local bookstore, Claire Olson reflects on her life and how

she currently experiences it. There is searching in Claire's reflection. Why does she

feel, "so stressed?" Why can she not get, "turned around," and caught up, and maybe

even ahead? Claire seems to feel that she is not going in the right direction, hence her need to turn around. She leaves her work in the middle of the day to give herself space and time to consider her experience and what she would like to keep and change about

Claire is greeted as academic in her office by, "expectation after expectation."

Her email has become a venue for this. She meets an expectation, only to be presented with another, thereby falling behind in meeting other expectations of other parts of the self. For Claire, there is a constant bombardment of, "things coming at (her)." She feels attacked. She must constantly catch, or dodge, or deflect. The onslaught has no natural end. It continues as long as Claire does. As she reads the many calls for her attention and energy, Claire questions people's understanding of all that she juggles. She questions the extent to which people are aware of, and sensitive to, the multiple calls that she receives in a day. She feels overused. She conveys feeling a sense of sole responsibility for answering these academic calls. She feels behind. There is no one encouraging her to listen to her feelings of being overwhelmed. No one advises her to stop and take a break. No one seems to be concerned. This lack of concern bothers Claire. Someone should care.

Someone should be mindful of her experience. She is troubled that no one is, and realizes that it may require her own effort to create a pause in this onslaught. The expectations keep coming, and will, unless Claire chooses to interrupt them.

Claire is aware of another need within her. This need does not immediately address her many calls as academic. It does not put an end to the countless emails and academic demands. This need calls Claire to leave her academic space, and with it, its responsibilities. It calls her away from this part of her self and towards the caring for her self as a whole.

Gestalt theory asserts that, "The whole is greater than the sum of its parts." For

Claire and the other women of this study, there is a whole self that is greater than the sum of being mother, academic, and wife. There is a whole self that has its own need for attention. Claire is aware of this need. She is aware that, even though she lives her days addressing the academic, wife, and mother needs, her whole self also needs. It needs something in addition to all of this. Her self, as a whole, needs rest. It calls to experience space, time, body, and relationship in a way that is not singularly mother, wife, or academic. Claire must choose between heeding this call and therefore interrupting her day as academic, and ignoring this call and experiencing the

consequences that such a choice brings.

This is not an easy choice. To interrupt is to risk falling further behind. It is to

risk not meeting deadlines. It is to risk a longer workday. As Yvonne Yao shares about

eating her lunch at her desk:

I do that all the time. If I took an hour out for lunch and went for a walk, I'd have to stay an extra hour. I'd rather not do that. Time management is critical. And minutes count.

For Yvonne, the risk of making the time for her whole self in the middle of her day is too great. She does not want to experience the consequences. For Claire, not making the time is of greater concern. Perhaps her efficiency at work would be too greatly affected if she does not listen to her whole self s needs? Perhaps the different parts of who she is may suffer if she does not attend to her self as a whole? No matter the demands, she knows that she needs to leave. She, as academic, needs to leave her office if she is to continue successfully and healthily in her day. Claire leaves her space as academic in pursuit of a place in which she does not have to focus as any particular part of her self, and can focus on her self as a whole.

In her leaving, Claire does not completely tear away from her academic self.

She brings work with her, perhaps only to feel justified in leaving. To leave and to bring, "stuff from work" seems to support her need to leave . It is challenging to leave work for the purpose of tending to her self as a whole. It seems that not even Claire is convinced that she can afford to take this much needed break for her self. She takes her work as a sort of permission slip. It gets her out the door and does nothing more, for it is not on her work that she then chooses to focus. 294

During this time for her self as a whole, Claire reconnects. She reconnects to her love of journaling and writing. She reconnects to her purpose and intention. She connects to her experience and the power of influence that she has over it.

So when I came back, having sort of sat there a while and did some writing, and thought about what was good, and I guess tried to put some things in perspective, and to push some of the decisions further back ... I realized I need some time to deal with some of these other things that I really need to do. So some of these other things are going to have to wait. I can't do everything like people seem to think that I can. So tried to push that pressure away. And I had a reasonable afternoon.

How does one sustain a life such as Claire's? The constant bombardment of calls that Claire experiences in a day seems to cloud her sense of power of influence. It seems to interfere with her ability to remain connected to her self as a whole. Giving herself time this particular afternoon, away from these expectations, allows Claire to reflect and to listen to what her whole self needs. The expectations tend to drown this out. The break allows her to hear her self once again. She returns to her office with a new perspective and some newly drawn boundaries. And she experiences a,

"reasonable afternoon." Her process of drawing boundaries is a positive one. It plants a seed that changes her experience and has the potential of changing how she experiences being mother, wife, and academic in the future.

"What Am I Doing?"

I remember after having my second child and going back to work .... I used to try and get up really early and get out of the house and we sort of did split- shift, and my husband would take the kids to daycare. Or, three days a week or something I'd get up early and I'd try to get out of the house really early and get in here to get—try to get—caught up, like try and keep my productivity up.

And I remember, I think I was kinda sick with a cold or something like that and I was really, really tired. And I was really, really behind. And I desperately needed to get some things done. And it was wintertime and I remember getting up and kind of stumbling out of the house and over to the bus, and stumbling onto the bus. And as soon as I got on the bus, I used to take stuff and work on the bus and read something on the bus. And I was reading something on the bus, and I looked up and I felt like I was hallucinating 'cause nothing was familiar. And I got on the wrong bus. I could have gone in the totally wrong direction. I'd completely gotten on the wrong bus and hadn't even noticed! 'Cause I just sat down and started reading and doing whatever I was doing.

It was like being on drugs or something 'cause I just felt so confused and tired, and I was sick and I looked outside, and it's kinda dark in the wintertime and you're, "Where the heck am I?" And nothing looks familiar, like you kinda woke up in a different city or something like that. "Oh my god, I'm at Southgate! What am I doing?" It was just like, stupid. And I'm thinking, "Get a bit more sleep, and pay a bit more attention to what's happening around you .... This is a sign that things have gone a bit over the edge."

At the end of a meeting with my counselling supervisor, he asks me, "So how was this session for you?" To which I respond, "It was good." He then probes, "How do you know it was good?" How do I know that the session was good for me? What is telling me that it was good, that it fit? I begin to focus on my body and on what it is telling me. I focus on my head, and chest, and stomach, and then answer, "I know it was good because my head, heart, and stomach are all telling me the same thing.

They're all congruently feeling satisfied. Not one part is feeling left out or anxious."

As I leave his office, I reflect on his question, "How does one know what she is feeling? What are the indicators that tell a person what an experience is like for that person?" I have learned that it is often through my body that I become aware of how I am experiencing a situation. My body, and its different parts, tell me if I am anxious, or comfortable, at peace, or worried. I may feel tightness in my stomach, or warmth in my chest. These physical indicators help inform me of how I am experiencing a moment. I have learned to pay attention to them. And paying attention to them is

something that I had to learn to do.

Madeline Cote is learning how to pay attention to her body as well. She is

learning to be aware of her physical state so that she can respect the needs of her self

as a whole. Gaining this awareness is a learning process. It does not seem to come naturally. It does not seem to be her automatic response. Instead, her natural response

seems to be to push her self as academic, no matter the needs of her self as a whole.

Madeline has been on maternity leave with her second child. As a result, her

self as academic feels, "really, really behind." Her self as mother and wife are probably well attended to. Her self as academic is anxious. She feels a need, an urgency, to, "try to get caught up," to, "try and keep my productivity up," for she as academic struggles to be at peace when not being attended to. Her academic self seems to revolt. Like the child who is being ignored by its parents, Madeline's academic self begins to vie for attention. It wants attention, regardless of how it may cost Madeline's self as a whole.

Madeline's body is not well. She is aware of the physical indicators that are telling her this. She is, "really, really tired." She is, "sick with a cold." She does not walk; rather, she stumbles. Her body is not at its peak. She knows this; yet, her self as academic is calling to her. She chooses to respond to its call rather than to give her self as a whole the care that it needs.

While one may mentally try to ignore the self s need for care, the self as a whole seems to have a way of eventually getting its message across. It often uses the body to bring the person into an awareness that can no longer be ignored. Madeline, though sick and exhausted, boards the bus that she thinks will take her to campus so that she can attend to her needs as academic. Not even the ride is restful, as she immediately begins to read her academic material. No time is to be wasted now that she has committed this time to her self as academic. She attempts to force her body through these actions; yet, her mind is unable to keep up. Though physically present, she feels mentally confused, "I felt like I was hallucinating .... It was like being on drugs." How present is Madeline with her experience? How aware is she? By forcing her academic self when her whole self needs rest, Madeline does not pay attention and rides the wrong bus. She arrives in the wrong part of the city and at the wrong bus stop. She is confused, and tired, and feels "stupid." It is in this moment that her self as a whole is able to communicate with her in a way that gains her attention, "Get a bit more sleep, and pay a bit more attention to what's happening around you." Now that

Madeline is off-track and confused, she becomes aware of what she needs as a whole.

She hears the message and lets it resonate within her. She becomes aware of how she is treating her self and what she needs to do to better respect her needs. She takes this as, "a sign that things have gone a bit over the edge." Madeline recognizes that she has gone too far, she has pushed too far, she has ignored her whole self s needs too much.

She experiences the consequences. The experience of these calls her back to awareness. She realizes that no matter the demands of her self as academic, the needs of her self as a whole must be attended to. She, as academic, cannot function healthily when her self as a whole is worn out. To attend to one part, she must care for the whole. Wanting to Do Both

So I got invited to do something already for September in Ottawa and something in Belgium. And I already signed up to do a conference in Portugal. So Belgium and Portugal would be in the same month. And I looked at that and I thought, "That's insane. That's two trips." And my husband and I have kind of worked out an arrangement where we've sort of said we shouldn't do more than one thing a term. We haven't always lived by that. We shouldn't have more than one trip away a term because it's really hard for the person who stays, and a trip is never just a trip. It's like getting ready beforehand, you're completely frenzied. It's what you're doing there and then you come back and you're behind on everything. It adds extra pressures. And I kinda wanted to do both ... but it's like, "No I can't do that, I'll do one." And no, I'm going to say 'no' to Ottawa because that's just too much. It's just too much coming in close proximity. And the consequences of doing that kind of thing ...

Abbey Schlosser and her husband have decided to use their previous experiences to help inform their current decisions. They have previously experienced the "frenzy" of overbooking as academics. They have chosen to use this information to affect their choices of the present and future. They have experienced how overbooking negatively impacts the self and the other and have chosen to draw a boundary. Abbey and her husband have agreed that only one academic trip should be taken a term. Their experience of doing more, "and the consequences of doing that kind of thing" have led them to the drawing of this boundary. They choose to let their experiences, and insights about them, impact their choices. The consequences are too great when this boundary is crossed. And so they seek to live within it.

Avoiding the "frenzy" of overbooking requires making choices in which one prioritizes one need or desire above another. Travelling is a part of being academic.

Abbey enjoys it; yet, it comes with consequences. The planning beforehand, the strain it places on the other parent, and the adapting and catching up afterwards take a large toll on the self as a whole and on all of its parts. Abbey has drawn a boundary, where the choices she makes as academic fall within the realm of what her whole self can handle. While the idea of travelling to Belgium and Portugal and Ottawa within the same month sounds exciting, Abbey is well-familiar with the consequences and decides to prioritize based on her boundary. She chooses Portugal even though she wants to do it all. She chooses Portugal, and respects the boundary and the experiences that led to the making of it.

How are Abbey, Madeline, Claire, and the women of this study to stay connected to their whole selves while addressing the needs of each part? How are they to thrive as a whole and to feel fulfilled in each part? As this study has taken its written form, various readers have responded with the following feedback, "I could feel the stress as I read their experiences. I felt stressed for them." Men and women alike have shared this experience while they have read. There is no doubt that the experience of being a woman who is academic, mother, and wife is a demanding one.

Daily, they receive multiple, significant, incoming calls and must choose how to address them. They juggle, and are constantly assessing and refining this balance.

They seek to attend and to be present without being torn. Inarguably, this is a challenging life to live. And they choose to live it. They choose this experience. Not only do these women choose it, but there are many women, undergraduate and graduate students, who hope to experience this life as well. How might they stay connected to the parts of their selves and their selves as a whole, given the realities of this experience? How sustainable is this life? To Sustain

To sustain is to continue. It is to carry on and to keep up. Originating from the

Old French word, sustenir, the word sustain means to hold up and to endure (http:// www.etymonline.com/index.php?search=sustain&searchmode=none). As one reads the experiences of the women in this study, one may question their lives' sustainability. How can these women maintain this existence? How do they, day after day, receive and answer so many calls? How do they keep up their juggling balance?

Surely, the calls stop and the juggling ceases? Surely, the demands end? No, it seems that they do not. In this life of being woman who is academic, mother, and wife, the calls do not stop. The juggling does not end. How then, is this life maintained?

Consider the sustaining pedal on a piano. By pressing the pedal with one's foot, the dampers on the strings are released. This allows the strings to continue to vibrate http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Piano_pedal). Even though the pianist is no longer in contact with the key, the note is still being heard. It complements the notes that follow, and it connects notes that are seemingly separate. Through its resonation, the note continues to be expressed, adding its harmony to the others. This pedal, located on the rightmost side, is known as, "the soul of the piano" (Siepmann, 1998, p. 17).

Within this "soul" are separateness, blend, resonation, harmony, and sustained expression.

Could it be that the self is like the "soul" of the piano? Is one of its purposes to sustain? By keeping parts of the self separate, they remain. In using them together, they also continue. They blend and harmonize. They enrich and deepen. The woman's experience is like a sustained chord - comprised of separate notes, and producing a whole sound. At times, when the pedal is held too long, the notes begin to clash. The successful pianist knows when to press and when to release one's foot from this pedal.

So too must this woman who is mother, academic, and wife. She learns when the resonating of certain notes must end so that a new, harmonious sound can occur.

Learning when to sustain and what to sustain is integral to knowing how to sustain.

Watching the season finale of Grey's Anatomy (May 22, 2008), I focused keenly on the following scene. Dr. Miranda Bailey, Chief Resident, is leaving work.

For the past few seasons, Miranda's life has been one of difficult, personal choices.

She has experienced the near ending of her marriage. In this closing scene, Miranda gives the keys of the clinic, and thereby the leadership and responsibility of it, to her resident, Dr. Isobel Stevens. She hands the keys to Isobel with these words:

I've seen the bigger picture. And I can't do everything and still have everything. So I have to let some pieces go.

For Miranda Bailey, being Chief Resident, head of the clinic, mother, and wife is not a life that she can sustain. To continue to be wife, she decides that she cannot continue to be clinic head. These two "keys" do not complement each other. The combination of all of these keys is not one that creates a harmonious sound. Bailey leaves behind the key that creates the discord; thus, she regains a sound that she can sustain.

For the woman of this study, her choices are also based on what she believes she can sustain. Trips are limited, or combined. Time at home can also be time at work. The space of academic may become the space of mother. The parts of the self are sustained as long as the sound that they produce, separately and as a whole, supports her intention. Consider sustainability in another context. When first reflecting upon this word, the term, sustainable development, came to mind. How does one grow and develop in a sustainable way? This is the question asked by many in government and environmental studies, and this question is also applicable to this current discussion.

How does the woman who is mother, academic, and wife develop who she is in each of these areas without compromising the development of others?

In regards to sustainable development, the United Nations General Assembly

(1987, p. 24-25) states the following:

Humanity has the ability to make development sustainable to ensure that it meets the needs of the present without compromising the ability of future generations to meet their own needs .... sustainable development requires meeting the basic needs of all and extending to all the opportunity to fulfill their aspirations for a better life.

The woman of this study strives to fulfill her aspirations while not compromising the same in others. She seeks to mindfully develop as mother, wife, and academic. She maintains an awareness regarding her striving and how it impacts her family, spouse, students, employer, and her self as a whole. At times, her connectedness to this awareness requires strengthening. Recall the experience of Val Jeffries when her son grades her papers and draws red marker on his arms to gain her attention. Remember the experience of Madeline Cote waking to realize that she has taken the wrong bus to work and that she is not physically well enough to be academic that day. It seems that when the current way of being is not sustainable, this woman is reminded. She is called back, or perhaps called towards, a more sustainable way of being. She recognizes and tries to heed this call. To be wife, mother, and academic is to be who this woman is. By participating in the world in these ways, she experiences and creates her self (Tillich,

1952). To not be academic, or mother, or wife would be, at least in part, to not be. A part of who she is would not be experienced. Her self would not be whole. Perhaps she would be like the character in the children's book, The Missing Piece (Silverstein,

1976), who climbs mountains, trudges through swamps, swelters in the heat, and freezes in the snow, all in search of his missing piece? In lacking a piece, the character does not feel complete. Only upon finding its piece is it then a whole. Interestingly, like Dr. Miranda Bailey, this character eventually releases the piece and chooses to live without. It chooses to continue in its search for wholeness, not allowing seemed completion to interfere. Its focus is the quest. It is the seeking and the striving. It is the making that fulfills. References

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