STATESPERSON

Volume 64, Number 69 PINE VALLEY, PENNSYLVANIA Thursday, April 1, 1994 Class lets students speak with dead

By Philip Drummond Staff Writer An unexplained phenome- non is overtaking the UMD campus. No one knows what is causing it, yet it has at- tacked over 65 students. • Students are learning how to channel ancient spirits in a new class being offered at UMD. J. Z. Knight. well- known channeler of Dynasty star I;inda Evans, is the visit- Ing professor of this course. "I chose UMD because it has the perfect aura for spiri- tual beings," said Knight. Students are excited about the new class. Registration is overflowing due to the wide In- terest in resurrecting tlie dead. "This is so cool," said Anna Karlin, junior philosophy ma- jor. "I was able to contact the spirit of Janis Joplin. She claims that she was mur- dered." · The class is called "Raising the Dead: Rarntha Comes To Life." Students learn how to take on the persona of mythi- cal gods, historical figures and famous actors and ac- tresses by first going into a trance and then having the spirit enter their body. Students in the new class, "Raising the Dead: Rathma comes to life." From left to right: Karin "moonbeam" Hislop, Amy "At first I was scared, but "sunshine" Keefer, Greg "spotted owl" Thomas, and George "I'm not the handyman from Newhart" Utley, are trying to contact as soon as I got into it, I had the ghost of Thomas Crapper, the inventor of the flush toilet. Mr. Crapper did appear for a brief moment only to disappear be- no problems. J. Z. is a won- cause he had "to use heaven's john." derful professor," said Marley Hudson, senior counseling major. History professor Library lifts ban on food

By Anakln Skywalker offended by photo Staff Writer Nick Rivers, of 'We won't By Karron Ward about to fill the box by Life After he was unable to re- The UMD libraiy will lift wet water in," the firm Staff Writer Science 80 when she comes strain her after about 20 is- its ban on food ·and bever- UMD has hired to do the up, scissors in hand, and sues, Helf decided to take the ages beginning next fall. A laminating, explained "His arms virtually leaped started cutting-away," said that all the library's materi- off the page and smacked me matter to the Campus Police. new · mass- lamination Statesman circulation man- "It just strolled down to Dar- process that has been dis- als will be impervious to al- upside the head!" exclaimed ager Pat Helf. "She had a most all liquids. 'There are history professor Ima Troll. land, found officer Rogers, covered by a Twin Cities crazed look In her eyes," he and when we returned she firm will enable the libraiy a few bodily fluids that we'll She was asked about her ini- said . . have to look out for, and tial reaction to a photo of Ken, was sitting on top of the cart to laminate all of its ma- cutting like a butcher and terials in one week. UMD has had troubles with Foxworth on the front page of those In the past, but gen- the March 17, 1994 issue of singing, 'I am Woman Hear Me Roar'," said Helf. erally; the books will be the UMD Statesman. safe." The photo showed a jubi- "S he was sitting It's quite an innovation," A poll taken by the UMD lant Foxworth with his arms Statesperson showed that raised in the air after his tri- on top of the cart ... said Reference librarian Emma Cyclopedia. "In one virtually none of the stu- umphant 154-mile run. Troll singing 'I am Troll was then taken to the fell swoop I'll be able to go dent body will be affected apparently saw the happy Woman hear me Moose Lake Psychiatric Ward by the change. 'We've been man's thrashing arms as for treatment. According to from hiding my Mountain Dew under my.desk to guz- sneaking pop and candy in threatening to her and the en- roar'." Dr. Hariy Sideburns, Troll here for years," said Junior tire UMD female community zling it right out in front of -Pat Helf should be back on the Job in my superiors." Terrence Frye. 'The only so she took it upon herself to Statesman Circula- time for Winter Quarter next difference Is now our chips cut the photo out of over year. won't be crushed from be- 3,000 issues of the Statesman. tion Manager Ing in our . backpacks." "I was still pushing the cart

--I~SIDE-- Love Letters 99 111111111111111111M 78 ••••••••••••••••••------232 Ill 1111111111111111 1--_- -_- T&A 69 NEWS: A&E: S PORTS: Pictures of jocks 22 Statesman manag- Jerry Paquette & Chess team wins . Escorts 555-HELP ing editor runs off . Chris Marrinucci national Hanes Briefs #12 with 15-year-old seperated at birth! championship. Class nowhere girl. 2 UMD STATESPERSON fv f!u~ ds t!l!!m!f!!!!.o '!v!thJ; '!o!'!.Y !?.,[! !!!! '!.~'!!! bet~~e!o~!!. Staff Writer'!a!!!' UMD for a few days." While at Love with open arms as she cause finally, that damneds first sight." !~!'!., sea, Love .fell over the rail and saw him breast-stroking his Gilligan isn·t around to screw The two were rescued UMD super-student Love somehow swam to a deserted way into the lagoon. "It was things up." Lovey explained to shortly after Love arrived on Goel has indeed found love. island where he met the last the most lovely sight I have Love that she was the last re- the island because Love Boat Love recently won a trip on sutviving castaway from the ever set my eyes on," said maining sutvivor of the Min- captain Merriel Scubbing no- the "Love Boat" by being ·the legendary- S.S. Minnow. Lovey, beaming. "I knew that I now because after all the co- tlced something was wrong. "I conuts, bananas, and gorillas felt that there wasn't a feeling

The following is a summary of A student was rushed by am- A woman professor was taken police activity (i.e. eating dough- bulance to St. Luke's for food poi- to Moose Lake Psychiatric Ward nuts), requests for services (?), soning after consuming Swedish after cutting the feature photo out and gripes filed at the UMD Cam- meatballs. • of 3,000 copies of the Statesman. pus Police office: A student was reported being Cattle were reported grazing shot by another student after in Bagley Nature Center. An uni- brown-nosing too much. dentified farmer claimed them af- Fried chicken was reported to .. ter intoxicated students tried tip- be "walking out and taking on a ping them. life of it's own" in the DC. were eaten they had no choice of love on the ship any more," A zamboni was reported sto- A student reported that people but- practice cannibalism. "It Scubbing said. "For a while we len from the ice rink. were calling her and asking for was sutvival of the fittest," were not the "Love Boat." An alleged UFO sighting was the All My Children soap phone Lovey said, "and I reined su- Without Love we were just reported on Griggs Beach. A stu- line. · preme." 'The Boat." dent described the aliens as A man claiming to be Henry Love said he truly loves Love and Lovey plan to_ "friendly, with a strange liking for David Thoreau was taken to the Lovey and it's not just be- have a lovely wedding with the Jerry Lewis." Moose Lake Psychiatric Ward af- cause of the money. "I don't A student was seen pecking crew of the Love Boat next ter telling students to "leave care if she is the widow of su- Feb. 14, in Loveland Colo., and scratching after inhaling toxic school, live in the woods and eat fumes in the Chem Lab. per-tycoon Thurston Howell where they will raise love- board nails." III," Love said, "The moment I birds. i STATESMAN PHOTO POLL t Does smoking Marijuana have any long term effects?

Jim Derby Jim Derby Jim Derby Jim Derby Freshman Sophomore Junior Senior Political Science Women's Studies Physical Educ. Dance "Definately not!" "I don't think so." "Could you repeat "Uhhhhh ... " the question?" ,.

The UMD STATESPERSON is the unofficial news- paper of Pine Valley University and is published by the WIN A FREE TRIP!!! PVU Board of Fornication each Sunday of the zodiac to the year only during holidays and exam weeks. STATESPERSON Opinions expressed in the UMD STATESPERSON 1, 1"4 are positively those of PVU's student body, faculty and Moose Lake Mental Institution the Lake Superior Zoo. Letters to the editor and guest essays provide Chief ...... Spitting Bull bird-cage liners for readers. Letters must be handwrit- Man of men ...... Ann B. Davis ten, quadruple-spaced and signed in blood with the One of a hundred specially designed author's name, year in school, major, phone number, Busy guy ...... Chip Hillbilly fingerprints, and urine sample for verification purpos- Addition Subtractor ...... Eric Estrada rooms may be waiting for you! es. Non-students should include other identifying in- Repltltlous ...... Itchy Scratchy formation, such as credit card numbers. Anonymous ...... James Ill, the Snowboard Queen and form letters will be published with glee. Letters ...... ' ..... Hans Christian Anderson must exceed 3000000 words and must be received no earlier than Wednesday at 11 :58 p.m. for Thursday ...... Al Delvecio publication. The UMD STATESPERSON reserves the Fart Director ...... Hulk Hogan right to write obscene and potentially libelous material. Drawers ...... John Henry was a steel-driving man All letters become the property of the UMD STATES- ...... The guy who used to look like Jesus PERSON and will be returned within five minutes of Schmooz Edltor...... : ..... Judy the Bowling Queen being recieved. All letters are taken on a last-come- Asst. Schmoozer ...... "Nature Boy" Rick Flair first-serve basis, and the UMD STATESPERSON re- serves the right to edit letters to make the writers look Athletic Supporter ...... Jacques Strap like complete morons. Erection Editor ...... The piano player from "Peanuts" Mail your submissions to us up in Moose Lake. Advertising inquiries should be directed to Eric Es- T & A Edltor...... Johnson & Johnson trada , ad sales manager, at 218-555-6161 . The edito- Asst. T & A Looker ...... Pheobe Tyler-Wallingford Please Include your name, phone number, address rial phone is 218-762-0799. Offices are located at Book Worms ...... Gotham City (including planet or dimension of origin). 4222 Clinton Way, City...... : ...... Apple Sauce The quarterly Student Stiffing Fee includes a yearly copy of the UMD STATESPERSON. A sub- Photo Editor ...... Your name here scription is $.02 per quarter and burnt upon request. Food Processer ...... Swanson T.V. entrees Second class postage is paid at Nye, Wisconsin. Gopher boy ...... Captain Planet Take all the time you need. CLIFF CLAVIN: Send address changes to THE UMD Voice Mall ...... Shelly Nylen STATESPERSON, 118 Kirby Games Room , 69 Editorial Basher ...... Old Turtle There is no deadline. Penny Lane, Wall Walla, WA. 99199 Money Grubber ...... Scrooge McDuck You're welcome to enter whenever you want. The UMD STATESPERSON and the University of Minnesota only employ and educate people who don '.! We will always have a place for you. suck. USPS 66045508 . Thursday, Apri I 1, 1994 3 EDITORIAL Editor sick of all the whining You, as students of UMD, must stop whining about /\Jo your hard lives. It's about time you buck up §Uld start working for a living. Obviously you have too muc_h time WUl~IN GI I on your hands to watch soap operas, and write "letters 'DON to the editor about all of your petty concerns. \Al£ '1. •' First of all let me tell you that no one cares. Really, no one cares if you didn't like waiting in line for your c~~£,,•• parking decal. No one cares if you were harassed by you boss. No one cares if you didn't get a seat on some stupid pseudo-governmental board, or you didn't get a refund for a book, or your picture was ripped down, or your rights were trampled upon. No one even cares if you think this is the best school in the entire world. No one cares. And another thing, just because you have some stu- pid event going doesn't mean you need to write a letter · to the editor. Try paying for larger advertising space. If people don't come it's probably because they just don't care. I don't care, my readers don't care, so stop writing unless you have something worthwhile to say.

Spitting Bull

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR II 11 everyone to bring a canned lenge. I also love our library it dangerous. Violence against food donation to give to the is chalk full of so many re- Women in Amertca, and espe- W.A.S.P.s Poor White Trash Food Shelf sources and things to help me Crazy man cially on our very own cam- In downtown Duluth. on my current research paper. pus, Is an issue which must Today we as whites are The excellent parking here on waving be dealt with effectively. We as come out forced to sit In the back of the campus makes my car feel women cannot be expected to Dear Editor, bus, so to speak. We are warm and cozy. There is al- work in an environment fllled drtven by public opinion to ways a spot for me and it. Lets arms in air with the kind of violence you Next week is W.A.S.P. tanning beds and beaches, face It there are just too many perpetuate. Awareness Week, sponsored despite the Increased rtsk of things to write in this short threatens As a university newspaper by the College Republicans, cancer to our delicate skin, space. I honestly don't under- you should be more careful and I want to be sure that because It Is considered unac- stand why people complain about the photos you run. I UMD students know about ceptable it be white in Ameri- about UMD. There are so woman am sickened by the lack of re- our diverse schedule of ca. many other campuses that spect you have for women events. To start off the week I think ifs about time don't offer these perks. I think Dear Editor, across this campus. Don't you we will have W.A.S.P. Com- Amertca realizes we will not be it's about time students real- know that you are perpetuat- ing-out Day. We encourage all put down any longer! ize, UMD is a great place for I was offended by the pic- ing the patrtarchy stronghold white students to proclaim you and me. ture you ran of Ken Foxworth that exists on this campus? their color to the world in a Whitie Freeman in your March 17, 1994, is- celebration of our W .AS.P. College Republicans Jack Handey sue. The way he was waving Virgina Loosellps herttage by stopping by our Senior his arms around was not only Professor table•in Kirby Student Center. FMISMISSBE threatening, but downright CLA We will be giving away suck- •••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• ers to everyone who stops by UMDtops • and signs our banner. ,• On Tuesday we will hold a in my book • Win a date with ••• W.A.S.P. concerns debate in • the Kirby Student Center Dear Editor, • Lounge. Solutions to the op- • pression of our race will be UMD is a wonderful school. • (i;l~(()lflf 1131VIIILIL sought at noon in the lounge I could write a novel on how • in an open-mic format open to much I like our university To qualify you must: all members of our fine com- community. Since I don't have munity. that amount of space I will • Ride a mountain bike (even in On Wednesday and Thurs- limit It to these few words. the winter) day we will be selling white- First of all the registration ethnic food in the Kirby Stu- process is second to none I · • Enjoy the Anchor dent Center hallway. Our truly love waiting in lines be- • iri the menu will Include turkey, cause It's a relaxing break Be knowledgeable mashed potatoes and gravy, from classes. The next thing is sport of basketball and com to celebrate the sur- the financial aid rules and vival of our forefathers in this regulations, the infinite num- • • Eat Venison Sandwiches • country so many years ago. ber of pages of which I thor- Finally, We will hold a oughly enjoy perusing • Have a perpetual SMILE! White-survivors dance In the through. When I am not read- • Like "buff "men Kirby Ballroom on Friday to Ing my rules and regs I enjoy Date will include: celebrate the new-found free- the cat and mouse game of dom of our race. The revelrtes txying to get through the fi- A romantic home cooked candlelight dinner followed by a few will begin at 8 p.m. Admission nancial aid screeners. These is $2 for students and $5 for people can put up_.a big chal- games of Fishtails. Then you and GEOFF will be off for a cozy non-students. We encourage lenge and, I lov~ the chal- little getaway to Gooseberry Falls, tenting for the weekend. But the portable T.V., of pourse, has to come with to catch the Basketball game (It is TourneyTime ya know!). Down with Drop off a photo and list of top five reasons why you would like to have a dream date with GEOFF BRILL in K118 . Accountability. ••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••• I • • • e ST AT E ·s PERSON ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

... By I.P. Freely quit. "Mimes have been lost Staff Writer since the death of Marceau. He was the king of the Lany Ianni resigned his mimes, and hopefully I will chancellor's position Mon- be known as the queen." . day in order to chase his • Ianni stated that his ul- dream of becoming a mime. timate goal is to correct the In his press conference public's view of mimes. Ianni stated that feelings of "Hey, we're not obnoxious guilt were major factors in freaks. We're skilled art- his decision. "I've brought ists." so much pain to people's At that point Ianni stood lives," said Ianni. "It's time up and began performing that I bring some Joy." his routine. After nailing Ianni explained that he the 'trapped in the box' could no longer live a lie. skit, Ianni yelled out, 'That He admitted that he never 1was for you Marcel." cared for the University Reaction to lanni's deci- and only accepted the posi- sion was mixed. "God I hate tion as chancellor for the mimes," stated UMD stu- money. "I've finally had dent Hu Ghas. 'Why -the enough of this University hell would he want to be a crap. I'm an entertainer, mime?" not an educator." Ho\\'.ever one anony- During his conference mous university adminis- Ianni stated that he has trator was pleased with wanted to be a mime as lanni's decision. "At least long as he could remember. he will finally shut his big He first attempted to ven- mouth." ture into the mime world in the 1950s. He was thrown out of the Marcel Marceau "What's wrong with being a mime?" asks Larry Ianni Monday at his press conferer,;:;e announc- Pantomime University for ing his decision. incompetence. the crowd pleasing Ianni decided to venture !zed that he would never be Ianni could never grasp "trapped in the box" act. into the academic world. happy with his career, and the mime routines such as Hurt and embarrassed, Tanni stated that he real- now was the perfect time to Former A&E editor . Plese also had a starring By Lolita Kazmarov role in the sequel to The Staff Writer Sound of Mu.sic. Maria Van Former Arts and Entertain- Trapp breaks from the Van ment editor Erin Plese has fi- Trapp family to start a solo ca-

1)11 nally found her calling. She reer. After bombing at the Pra- .. has decided to ditch her act- gue Playhouse with her rap ing career to become a nun. version of Do, A Deer, she de- cides to go back to her family to beg for forgiveness. But by then, the Van Trapp family -Plese entered the St. Anne's has made a name· for them- Convent when the Virgin Mary selves in the United States appeared to her and told her thus forcing Maria to-return to that she must tum away from the convent. the evils of Hollywood. "I had a feeling that God · Plese described her reli- was trying t6 tell me some- gious experience. "It was like thing with the roles I had been totally cool, there was a bright receiving," said Plese. "I didn't light, and then there was this realize it until Mary appeared beautiful woman dressed in to me that it was my life's de- white telling me to become a sire to become a nun. nun." Plese's best friend Jane Ly- sen said, "I always knew Erin was kind of kooky, but she is Plese went to Los Angeles, my friend and I support her." Calif. after graduating from Sister Mary Angeline UMD last spring. She had a Catherine Plese will take her bit role in the upcoming movie vows of poverty in a ceremo- Sister Act Ill: Nuns Trip the nial mass to be held at the Lights Fantastic. Plese plays a Good Sheppard Catholic former Rockettes dancer who Church her-e in Duluth. A re- comes to St. Francis when she ception and polka mass will was falsely accused of killing a follow the service in which pimp after kicking him in the Sister Plese will lead the cast temple. She choreographs the from Sister Act Ill in their ren- sisters in a song and dance dition of "Beer Barrel Polka." routine to the Suburbs' clas- sic I Like Cows. The nuns take their show on the road as The Jamming Bovines performing in slaughterhouses· in the Midwest.

"Erin was a natural. She was a delight to work with and I wish her well in her new- Former A&E editor, Plese now sings hymns instead of "M_e So Horny." Inset is current asst. found career," said Whoopi A&E editor who may also follow Plese's example. Goldberg. Thursday, April 1, 1994 5 Babes history month degrades all By Ima Pig "Shorter skirts, lower neck- Staff Writer lines make your boss happy." "The myth of suntanning - "This is the most exciting It's really good for you." event for babes that has ever taken place!" With these open- "How to keep the spark in ing remarks by Babes Studies your bedroom, remember it's Professor Blonde sex pot and your responsibility." former stripper Bubbles Mc- "Big hair - why men really Coy kicked off the first annual love it." "How to be a perfect babe" fo- "How to be the· best back rum. stabber you can be." This much awaited enter- "The Joys of shopping with tainment event opens the your man's money." month of April as the official "Hooters - why The bigger "Babes History Month." is the best'." "Don't let the title of this When asked whether or not lecture · deceive you," stated they were worried about of- McCoy. "We are going to be in- fending anyone, Ms. Kitten troducing many helpful and had this to say; ''I'll tell you interesting points of view to let what is offensive. Women who every babe, or potential babe, don't bathe and cleanse them- in Duluth know what her true selves all over. How do we ever goal in life really isl" expect to be kept? We as McCoy. along with her babes have a responsibility to other colleagues from the B.S. stress the motto 'If you've got department Kitty Kitten and it, flaunt it." We as babes are Ms. Lola will be hosting the proud to be looked at. pinched day long event. Professor Kit- now and then and patted. It's ten had this to say, "Before I flattering." studied subservient studies The day long event reaches for women, I was a Nobel prize it's climax with the first an- winning scientist. Then I de- nual bikini open talent show cided, what the heck, if you put on by the entire B.S. de- got it. flaunt it, use it to the partment On the agenda for best of your ability!" • this festive event will Prof. Here's a rundown on the Candi Bar doing a bang up much awaited event. Starting tap, soft shoe dance to the early in the morning, but not popular song "I am nothing before 10 a.m.. each babe will without my man," Prof. Mimi- be treated to a shampoo, Main recites some popular, manicure and a choice of a degrading Andrew Dice Clay low-cut, mini skirt to show of nursery rhymes, Prof. Mer- their best assets. cedes Bends proves the myth "Remember," stated Ms. Lola, false that blondes can actu- . · former psychologist, turned ally walk and chew gum at the bubble dancer and then B.S. same time, and the grand fi- professor, "If we babes don't nale incorporates every B.S. make the package attractive, ·Prof showing how they would no man will want to open it!" have handled being Clarence The day proceeds with a se- Thomas' secretary. ."I love ries of short lectures and watching those silly little group discussions covering 'blue'movies. . .. " giggled Ms. every area of "Babedom." Look Lola. for such exciting topics as: For more information on "Why should I work, when this first ever event or other a sugar daddy can pay the events going on throughout rent?" the month of Babe Studies, "Learning how to speak please call the B. S. depart- when spoken to." ment at 555-sexy. "How to be the best other woman." Participants In the Babes history month celebration kick up their heels. Nude twist added to Von Trapp Family saga By Erica K~ne· Martin Tyler , and we should have nothing she is not wearing a coat, not to be ashamed of. Nothing is dren who give their all f~r Brent Roy Chandler Mont- any thing, you'll never guess their roles. After watching omery Marrlck different in our play. No extra REVIEW g sex has been added, and the where they hide the frog. them perform "My Favorite Staff Writer cast is very comfortable with Another interesting aspect Things" I was left wondering The UMD theater depart- it." why he was chosen for the is watching all those crazy what actually would be their ment is breaking new bound- role. "Boy, " said Doherty, nuns, especially theater major favorite things. I know which aries, and shaking things up "you can ·sure tell that this Jennifer Jumpme in the role one was my favorite thing! of Mother Superior who lends with their spring production guy isn't Jewish!" Moser support in an unsupported of the first ever all-nude per- Watching this production brings depth and true mean- formance of the classic Sound was a delight, need I say song "Climb Every Mountain." ing to his role, not forgetting (Do you think she is talking of Music. The play, which more. And it is very clear that his appeal to the ladies: "All I each cast member was "hand about Captain Von Trapp?) The production runs opened last night and boasts will say is that the dance se- through the month, with the a cast of 15 actors romping picked" to say the least. Lead- quences with him were ing off the cast as Maria Von only exception being the around as naked as the day colder weather. Like Nancy they were born, was an in- Trapp is visiting artist Shan- 'uplifting,"' said Doherty. "We're one big. happy, if a Not to be forgotten are all stated, "the only praw back is stant hit! nen Doherty fresh from her 90210 dismissal and her re- bit incestuous family." Said those cute little (or in some the cold. I mean the men can't cent Playboy pictorial. Moser. stand at attention all through "Playing this Maria broad is the play." Ticket prices are The same old favorite story pretty cool," said Dougherty, is still there with all the beau- "although I can't believe any- Some of the highlights of tiful heart-felt songs. the only one would ever want to be a this memorable production $10.00 student price, and thing different is that it is nun. Just think about it, will please the entire the view- $15.00 adult. I know, you done in the nude! Director never having sex, it's pretty ing audience. Watching the mu~t be thinking this is steep, Naughty Nancy is very excited weird." children and Maria run but think of what you'll be about this production, "Not around singing out their little witnessing .... history in the only has this never been done hearts to 'The hills are making. before, but UMD is the place Joining the temperamental alive .... " truly is a touching, if to be this quarter." When actress in his UMD theater not palpating experiencing. asked about the nudity.issue, debut is theater teacher and . Also look for the famous Also, keep your ears open Nancy had this to say, "We are UMD hearthrob Joseph Moser opening sequence when the for a special one night only born naked, we shower na- as Captain Von Trapp. Watch- children hide a frog in Marla's show where clothing is op- ked, our bodies are beautiful ing Moser, it is easy to see coat pocket. In this version cases bigger than others) chil- tional for the audience. .. I • • • e TATESPERSON PORTS 3r , ,, .. Allegations fly following attack on Plante Former UMD Bulldog All-American's liver found in urinal By Mr. Pooh P.·Pants Plante remarked on his inau- Staff Writer grial season. "It's no different. Tragedy struck the ice to- The puck is still that dark day as. former UMD All-Every- color and that string thing thing Derek Plante suffered a that you're supposed to put ... career-ending injury as he ex- the puck into is still in the ited a urinal before a Buffalo same place." Sabres/N.Y. Islanders game. Although there are no leads "What's all this stuff laying In the case so far there is a on the floor. Oh my, it's my photograph of the person blood. Oh, my God, it's my beating Plante and finger- blood. Oh my, it's my blood. prints from the attack weap- Oh my, there's my liver inside on. the standing toilet," Plante "I don't know who did it but screamed as he laid on the I'm sure that they meant no bathroom floor in his pool of harm. 'we just don't think that blood. "My liver; my liver, my we'll find the person," said Po- liver!" lice chief Andy Griffith. Plante had been the savior, Plante was taking a #2 be- along the lines of Elijah Mu- fore the Sabres/Islander game hammed, Jesus Christ, when the alleged attack hap- Gahndi, Michael Jordan, Her- pened. Plante's condition is schel Walker, and Tricky Dick serious but he is able of bowel Nixon, to the Buffalo Sabres' movements. He is being (maybe he should help the treated at North Rigor-Munic- Bills now) as he replaced All- ipal Mortis Hospital in Buffa- Star Pat LaFontaine as the lo- lo: Investigations have started comotive in the Sabres' choo- with very few motives to the choo train offense. brutal attack of the former Plante, who scored 3,456 UMDjock. goals during his career at "I didn't do it. I swear I The UMD Statesperson has uncovered a photograph from last year as Bulldogs' Derek Plante UMD, had been picking his didn't do it. I don't care that (right) skates ahead with the puck. Meanwhile, Plante's teammate' Chris Marinucci (19) comes nose right where he left off he stole the spotlight from me during this, his rookie year, in last year," this year's Bulldog up ice with a butcher's knife in his left hand. Obviously, nothing happened to Plante in the game the National Hit-em-as-hard- captain Chris Marinucci testi- that we know of, but the photo does raise suspicion with the recent attack on Plante. as-you-can-until-snot-runs- fied. "Even though I'm better again," expert psycho-actor "I killed the Plante. I killed threw the poor thing in the out-of-their-mouth League. than him." Bill Murray said. "Because he the Plante,'' said local florist truck." Plante has now scored 31 "He's been acting psychotic goes back, his weight dis- Rosey Palms. "I'm so sorrry. It goals in 1,345 games so far lately, lately. The thing to do placement goes back and he (Derek Plante) was just too Donations can be made to this season with more than with him is, if he bothers me stays there all his weight is on young. It (Plante) just couldn't the Help Derek Because His three-quarters of the season again, I'll take care of him for his right foot and he pushes handle the cold of the bitter Liver is in the Toilet Fund by still to go. good. The thing to d<:> is you everything off to the right. winter. So I had to end its sending your beer-filled liver ,. "It ain't no thing. Ain't no cut the back of his hamstring He'll ·never come through on (Plante's) life and I threw it to North Rigor-Municipal Mor- thing but a chicken wing on a on the back of his leg right on anything again. He'll quit the (Plante) in the trash. And then tis Hospital c/o Derek's va- string from Burger King," the bottom. He'll never play game." the garbage man came and cant liver. It. . UMD takes over Target ' Center, Ianni bails .. t out Harv and Marv By Kareem E. Discharge the heck. It would be a sad slam-dunk contest and I Staff Writer sight for Minnesota to lose guarantee I will win it again. their professional bowling And I didn't kick now God The deadline has come and team just a year after losing damn women and if I did I'm the·Timberwolves will not be their golf team,'' Ianni stated sure she deserved it." extinct basketball team in at a news conference after the "God damit. I wanted to get Minnesota. buyout. . out of this frickin' hellhole. Minnesota Timberwolves The Timberwolves, 19-48 What in the hell is this Duluth owners' Harvey Ratner and and 29 games out of first college place thinking any- Marv Wolfen:,on have been place, can now turn their at- ways. We suck, no arena is threatening to move the tention back to battling for going to help this miserable SIGN UP TODAY! Wolves if the Target Center that all-important 11th spot excuse for a team," said isn't bought from them by in the NBA's Western Confer- Chuck Person. Aprill. ence and look forward to the "Did you know that I was For the Ken Foxworth Diet Plan However, The University of NBA Draft for the fifth year in really good in college, all the Minnesota-Duluth has arow. chicks digged me. I was big Loose up to 501bs. in only 8 days! bought the Target Center in "It's great that a town from man on campus at Duke," re- Minneapolis for an estimated Canada would help us out like marked Christian Laettner. $250 million, according to that. Now we can focus our at- "Ouch. my groin hurts Can It's fun, it's easy! team's sources, and the Tim- tention to making the play- you message it for me?" berwolves will stay in Minne- offs." head coach Sydney Lowe The money that the Univer- No need to worry about counting fat and sota. The Target Center was said. sity of Minnesota-Duluth calories. up for sale for the Harv and The players from the Tim- raised was due to a number of Marv three-ring circus for $95 berwolves also gave thanks to things. according to Ianni. All you have to do is run 1 50 miles. million but Larry Ianni, in his UMD for bailing the team out "It was quite simple actual- last act as chancellor at Uni- instead of having to move to ly. We've been raising the tu- That's only about 19 miles a day. versity of Minnesota-Duluth San Diego, Nashville, or New ition up here a lot these last A recomended route is from the st.ate capital to before becoming a mime, said Orleans. couple years. Then there was city hall in Duluth. that he wanted to make sure "Where? Who cares who this budget thing that I've had that the team stayed. bought it," Isaiah Rider said. in operation for a while which Stop by the Kirby Info desk for more information. "Hey, we had all this extra "All that matters is that I have raised the rest of the money," money laying around so what a new dunk for next year's Ianni said. Thursday, April 1, 1994 7

Rec Sports will add a new intramural activity By Itch E. Crevice this activity would be to raise be the rich snobs that can-af- Staff Writer more money for rec sports. ford it. At least a few people A new intramural sport will The costs of this activity will get new Jobs, like picking be offered next year. There are would be only $2. Were else up the s*lt. many suggestions that are be- can you get drunk and throw Figure skating is another of ing reviewed . at this moment the kegs for only $2. the many proposal for a new including: co-ed wrestling, Founder of 'Throwing a Keg intramural sport. underwater basket weaving, Foundation" Tommy Kramer Figure skating advocate keg tossing, horse racing, fig- stated, 'We need to get. these Nanci Carignan of Superior ure skating, soccer-bowling kids off the streets and some- stated, "Hey I'm a really nice and basketball. where they can get the beer innocent girl who had a psy- A committee has been set they need. Keg tossing is the cho skating with me. I just up to review the "goods" and perfect opportunity to get col- want to give a little back to the "bads" of each sport to find lege youth involved. You may Icelands of northern Minneso- out which one would help the all think that this is an easy ta. Doesn't everyone love me." university the most. task, but trust me, I've been Figure skating will let all of Co-ed wrestling is at the drinking and tossing kegs for you retired hockey plays a life- top of the list. So far the com- a long time, and it's not easy time activity. One more thing, . mittee has not come up with when you get really drunk." there is no need to bring crow- · many bad things about it. Keg tossing would have bars, they will be provided for "One problem that we some unique eligibility re- you. might have would be the over quirements. First of all .every- Soccer-bowling has to be popularity of this new inter- one has to be 21 years old one of the most exciting intra- active and physical sport," (not). If you are not 21, I'd ad- mural proposals. The sport stated director Rob Lowe. vise you find · a way to get would be very demanding on "The high demand for seat- around it because this will be your aerobic abilities and your Ouch! ing could be solved by holding a blast. The second and most feet. New shoes that are spe- this state-of-the-art activity at important eligibility require- cially designed for soccer- the DECC," quoted Tupac. ment is that everyone must be bowling will available at cost. Underwater basket weav- aware of the mass alcohol that Pele announced, "This is a ing may not be at the top of will be consumed (it doesn't hell of a lot better that foot- the list of proposals, bu_t; the really matter If you can toss a ball. I wish I would have committee is getting a lot of keg or not, that's just a front). thought of this a long time pressure from the United Competition would be of- ago." Scuba Divers Association and fered in three levels of play:AA The object of the game the International Basket (experienced beer drinkers would be to kick the bowling Weaving Association. The will heavy tolerances), A (stu- ball into the net. After scoring, funds for this very physical dents that only drink six days .a free shot' will be given and leisure activity would be spon- a week) and Casual (unexperi- the team bowling the most sored by these groups. This enced drinkers). This is just a pins down in._ a game will be may be the only reason this rough estimate, the casual crowned champion. sport (If you would like to call league may not have enough The final proposal is bas- It one) is still on the agenda: participants. ketball. It might sound famil- Chairperson Sharon "I am Horse racing is one of the iar, but most people have dirty" Stone stated, "If we play best proposal'since the'inven- never heard of it. · our cards right, we might Just tion of the wheel. The field To vote for your preferred get some cash. Then we can house is the perfect setting. sport, send a 3x5 note card use the money to support the Block Baer Casino will sup- with the name of your sport. co-ed wrestling program." port the construction of a new along with $750 to the UMD Another proposal that is track if the horse racing thing STATESPERSON. Make · being strongly supported is if good. Horse racing will cre- checks payable to Itch E. keg tossing. Doesn't that Just ate Jobs and support the eco- Crevice. sound good: intramural keg nomic community. The target tossing. The main objective of market for horse racing would CLASSIFIEDS

from. Inventory updated weekly. Due to ing. First reasonable offer for nothing not Activities will be shotgunning, bonging, thrifty college students who would settle the type of business the phone and ad- ignored . and keg standing. So come one and all to for less comfort to go to school. 350.00/ dress will change daily. Listen to the the CHUG AND PUKE . mo+utilities+garbage+phone+lights+walls- grapevine for location and time. FORK RHDC vintage stainless steel many +toilet+privacy. • ·miles but a classic. Four tines extended ADOPTION- We are a young couple look- AT THE MARKETPLACE we have the handle easy grip. Will sell or trade for but- ing. for a college freshman to be our THE UMD ESCORT SERVICE will now of- 'largest source of used condoms on the ter knife of same caliber. fer dates for those men and women who daughter/son. If you are tired of yor par- market. Fits for all type of men. Each one · ents and think it is abou time for a new set. can not find that perfect mate at that im- ·has gone through a rigorous test before BABIES FOR SALE low mileage low main- let us know we are waiting for your call. portant time. There will be a nominal fee we sell. Wrapped individually for your con- tenance tots. Many style races colors to Phone: 555-help. _for those who employ the escorts. venience. Fraction of the original cost. call choose from. Cash only please. 555-baby 1-800-0LD-LOVE. THE MINI APPLE WILL NOW be giving out more of the ·necessary items in a better location here on the lower part of the cam- LOOKING FOR unintelligent students to pus where the students will actually be. go to Alaska. Work in terrible conditions with fish guts up to your neck for 12 hours TERM PAPEERS AND ASSIGNMENTS 1st ANNUAL CHUG AND PUKE contest. Effeciency apartments available at local a day. There is'also openings In the fishing from all the professors at UMD now avail- NOTHING for sale, low use, not out of All men and women who think they can converted jail cell . Recently converted and fleet. Yes, get washed overboard and able. Many different classes to chose date, absolutely nothing wrong with noth- handle their liquor are welcome to come. overpriced facility available for spend never be missed for the great pay. The UMD Statesnian • needs your help!

- We want to·change the name of this fine newspaper from the Statesman to the Statesperson, but we need to get at least 95 % of the student body to sign our petition.

Please stop by our table in Kirby on Thursday- or Friday fr_om 3:00pm to 5:00pm

Help us to stop this.politically incorrect, sexist narp.e from continuing on·any longer!

W.A.S.P. AWAIIENESS WEEK Sponsored by College Bepubli~ans •

MONDAY W.A.S.P. CO:MING-OUT DAY •• A table will be set up in Kirby to eelebrate. We will again be giving away su~kers for those who stop by to sign our banner.

TUESDAY W.A.S.P. CONCERNS DEBATE •• Open•m.ie forUD1 in Kirby LoQDge at noon to dis~uss the oppression of our fine raee. .

WEDNESDAY & THURSDAY WHITE ETHNIC· FOOD •• This will be sold in Kirby hallway. Menu. ineludes: turkey, · mashed potatoes with grawy and eorn.

FRIDAY WHITE SURVIVORS DANCE .. This will be held in the_ Kirby Ballroom at 8 p.m. f;ost: $2 students and $.'i non-students. Please bring a eanned food item to be donated to the Poor White Trash Food Shell in downtown Duluth.

See. also _our letter in the Editoral Seetion for more details .