STATESPERSON Volume 64, Number 69 PINE VALLEY, PENNSYLVANIA Thursday, April 1, 1994 Class lets students speak with dead By Philip Drummond Staff Writer An unexplained phenome- non is overtaking the UMD campus. No one knows what is causing it, yet it has at- tacked over 65 students. • Students are learning how to channel ancient spirits in a new class being offered at UMD. J. Z. Knight. well- known channeler of Dynasty star I;inda Evans, is the visit- Ing professor of this course. "I chose UMD because it has the perfect aura for spiri- tual beings," said Knight. Students are excited about the new class. Registration is overflowing due to the wide In- terest in resurrecting tlie dead. "This is so cool," said Anna Karlin, junior philosophy ma- jor. "I was able to contact the spirit of Janis Joplin. She claims that she was mur- dered." · The class is called "Raising the Dead: Rarntha Comes To Life." Students learn how to take on the persona of mythi- cal gods, historical figures and famous actors and ac- tresses by first going into a trance and then having the spirit enter their body. Students in the new class, "Raising the Dead: Rathma comes to life." From left to right: Karin "moonbeam" Hislop, Amy "At first I was scared, but "sunshine" Keefer, Greg "spotted owl" Thomas, and George "I'm not the handyman from Newhart" Utley, are trying to contact as soon as I got into it, I had the ghost of Thomas Crapper, the inventor of the flush toilet. Mr. Crapper did appear for a brief moment only to disappear be- no problems. J. Z. is a won- cause he had "to use heaven's john." derful professor," said Marley Hudson, senior counseling major. History professor Library lifts ban on food By Anakln Skywalker offended by photo Staff Writer Nick Rivers, of 'We won't By Karron Ward about to fill the box by Life After he was unable to re- The UMD libraiy will lift wet water in," the firm Staff Writer Science 80 when she comes strain her after about 20 is- its ban on food ·and bever- UMD has hired to do the up, scissors in hand, and sues, Helf decided to take the ages beginning next fall. A laminating, explained "His arms virtually leaped started cutting-away," said that all the library's materi- off the page and smacked me matter to the Campus Police. new · mass- lamination Statesman circulation man- "It just strolled down to Dar- process that has been dis- als will be impervious to al- upside the head!" exclaimed ager Pat Helf. "She had a most all liquids. 'There are history professor Ima Troll. land, found officer Rogers, covered by a Twin Cities crazed look In her eyes," he and when we returned she firm will enable the libraiy a few bodily fluids that we'll She was asked about her ini- said . have to look out for, and tial reaction to a photo of Ken, was sitting on top of the cart to laminate all of its ma- cutting like a butcher and terials in one week. UMD has had troubles with Foxworth on the front page of those In the past, but gen- the March 17, 1994 issue of singing, 'I am Woman Hear Me Roar'," said Helf. erally; the books will be the UMD Statesman. safe." The photo showed a jubi- "S he was sitting It's quite an innovation," A poll taken by the UMD lant Foxworth with his arms Statesperson showed that raised in the air after his tri- on top of the cart ... said Reference librarian Emma Cyclopedia. "In one virtually none of the stu- umphant 154-mile run. Troll singing 'I am Troll was then taken to the fell swoop I'll be able to go dent body will be affected apparently saw the happy Woman hear me Moose Lake Psychiatric Ward by the change. 'We've been man's thrashing arms as for treatment. According to from hiding my Mountain Dew under my.desk to guz- sneaking pop and candy in threatening to her and the en- roar'." Dr. Hariy Sideburns, Troll here for years," said Junior tire UMD female community zling it right out in front of -Pat Helf should be back on the Job in my superiors." Terrence Frye. 'The only so she took it upon herself to Statesman Circula- time for Winter Quarter next difference Is now our chips cut the photo out of over year. won't be crushed from be- 3,000 issues of the Statesman. tion Manager Ing in our . backpacks." "I was still pushing the cart --I~SIDE-- Love Letters 99 111111111111111111M 78 ••••••••••••••••••------------------ 232 Ill 1111111111111111 1--_- -_- T&A 69 NEWS: A&E: S PORTS: Pictures of jocks 22 Statesman manag- Jerry Paquette & Chess team wins . Escorts 555-HELP ing editor runs off . Chris Marrinucci national Hanes Briefs #12 with 15-year-old seperated at birth! championship. Class nowhere girl. 2 UMD STATESPERSON fv f!u~ ds t!l!!m!f!!!!.o '!v!thJ; '!o!'!.Y !?.,[! !!!! '!.~'!!! bet~~e!o~!!. Staff Writer'!a!!!' UMD for a few days." While at Love with open arms as she cause finally, that damneds first sight." !~!'!., sea, Love .fell over the rail and saw him breast-stroking his Gilligan isn·t around to screw The two were rescued UMD super-student Love somehow swam to a deserted way into the lagoon. "It was things up." Lovey explained to shortly after Love arrived on Goel has indeed found love. island where he met the last the most lovely sight I have Love that she was the last re- the island because Love Boat Love recently won a trip on sutviving castaway from the ever set my eyes on," said maining sutvivor of the Min- captain Merriel Scubbing no- the "Love Boat" by being ·the legendary- S.S. Minnow. Lovey, beaming. "I knew that I now because after all the co- tlced something was wrong. "I conuts, bananas, and gorillas felt that there wasn't a feeling The following is a summary of A student was rushed by am- A woman professor was taken police activity (i.e. eating dough- bulance to St. Luke's for food poi- to Moose Lake Psychiatric Ward nuts), requests for services (?), soning after consuming Swedish after cutting the feature photo out and gripes filed at the UMD Cam- meatballs. • of 3,000 copies of the Statesman. pus Police office: A student was reported being Cattle were reported grazing shot by another student after in Bagley Nature Center. An uni- brown-nosing too much. dentified farmer claimed them af- Fried chicken was reported to .. ter intoxicated students tried tip- be "walking out and taking on a ping them. life of it's own" in the DC. were eaten they had no choice of love on the ship any more," A zamboni was reported sto- A student reported that people but- practice cannibalism. "It Scubbing said. "For a while we len from the ice rink. were calling her and asking for was sutvival of the fittest," were not the "Love Boat." An alleged UFO sighting was the All My Children soap phone Lovey said, "and I reined su- Without Love we were just reported on Griggs Beach. A stu- line. · preme." 'The Boat." dent described the aliens as A man claiming to be Henry Love said he truly loves Love and Lovey plan to_ "friendly, with a strange liking for David Thoreau was taken to the Lovey and it's not just be- have a lovely wedding with the Jerry Lewis." Moose Lake Psychiatric Ward af- cause of the money. "I don't A student was seen pecking crew of the Love Boat next ter telling students to "leave care if she is the widow of su- Feb. 14, in Loveland Colo., and scratching after inhaling toxic school, live in the woods and eat fumes in the Chem Lab. per-tycoon Thurston Howell where they will raise love- board nails." III," Love said, "The moment I birds. i STATESMAN PHOTO POLL t Does smoking Marijuana have any long term effects? Jim Derby Jim Derby Jim Derby Jim Derby Freshman Sophomore Junior Senior Political Science Women's Studies Physical Educ. Dance "Definately not!" "I don't think so." "Could you repeat "Uhhhhh ... " the question?" ,. The UMD STATESPERSON is the unofficial news- paper of Pine Valley University and is published by the WIN A FREE TRIP!!! PVU Board of Fornication each Sunday of the zodiac to the year only during holidays and exam weeks. STATESPERSON Opinions expressed in the UMD STATESPERSON 1, 1"4 are positively those of PVU's student body, faculty and Moose Lake Mental Institution the Lake Superior Zoo. Letters to the editor and guest essays provide Chief .........................................................Spitting Bull bird-cage liners for readers. Letters must be handwrit- Man of men .............................................Ann B. Davis ten, quadruple-spaced and signed in blood with the One of a hundred specially designed author's name, year in school, major, phone number, Busy guy ..................................................Chip Hillbilly fingerprints, and urine sample for verification purpos- Addition Subtractor ................................ Eric Estrada rooms may be waiting for you! es. Non-students should include other identifying in- Repltltlous ............................................ Itchy Scratchy formation, such as credit card numbers. Anonymous ...................... ...........James Ill, the Snowboard Queen and form letters will be published with glee. Letters .............. .......................... .' ..... Hans Christian Anderson must exceed 3000000 words and must be received no earlier than Wednesday at 11 :58 p.m. for Thursday ...................................... ........................... .Al Delvecio publication. 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