Pulling Mike Tyson’s teeth on a trampoline

by John Fleming autobiography was cobbled- accept 5%; and maybe the off in a night. At the same together from at least three final 5% of my suggestions time, it is too short to fully separate conversations were rejected as bollocks too develop sub-plots. The it-Down Comedy is when he would remember – but some passing detail structure and the detail has published by Ebury different parts of the same might set them off on a to be tight, linear and SPress this month. I incident – all of them barely totally different creative immediately compelling. compiled it. Pulling Mike credible but actually true. He tangent that neither they nor I A new stand-up perhaps Tyson’s teeth on a trampoline is, in the flesh, a very funny had previously thought has ten one-minute jokes. A would have been easier. You raconteur. Write down about. One entire piece more experienced stand-up know you are in for trouble exactly what he says, came about because I can make those same ten when a publisher suggests though, and it’s an unfunny mentioned, in passing, that I jokes last 30 minutes. A great commissioning original shambles. Even more than admired Bernard Manning’s stand-up can build the same writing from 20 stand-up most, his spoken speech professionalism. ten jokes with peaks and comics. Any genre, any style. patterns diverge from Some delivered polished troughs and sub-jokes into a “Oh, they’re used to grammatical, logical written versions which needed no single hour-long routine writing,” is the unspoken sentences. And, like all great changes. With others I which appears to be a encouragement that hangs in comedians, it’s all in the discussed the general idea unitary, flowing routine. But the air. timing – something that before any writing started. even that is no preparation “Oh f***,” was my simply doesn’t and can’t Some went though perhaps for writing a logical, flowing un-asterisked reaction. exist on the printed page. I five drafts, with me making 5,000 word prose piece with Stand-ups are used to had to re-shape his spoken suggestions at each stage. a slow build and a climax. feeling insecure all week then word structure so that, on One delivered a free-form So people entered and fell appearing in front of paper, the effect seemed like poem of over 5,000 words out of this project like strangers for 45 minutes and what it was in reality. which both the publisher and trouserless vicars opening performing a routine they The stand-up comics I found completely and closing doors in a Brian often cobbled together a commissioned to write for unreadable. The writer Rix farce. We had one ‘big year ago. Writing new Sit-Down Comedy – happily transformed it into name’ on board for two days. material risks personal experienced as they were in prose and (I have not Another, having said for over abuse; not writing new writing for the spoken word – checked this but I suspect) a year he would do it, told me material risks failure. It is not often had no experience at changed not a single word – two weeks before the final a profession for the insecure; all of writing for the printed he just removed the line- deadline that he couldn’t. yet most comics are. page. How can you put a breaks. The result, in my The replacement – a hot I am not un-used to the half-second pause into a opinion, is an almost jaw- up-and-comer – let us down world of stand-up comedy. I paragraph to build up the droppingly beautiful piece of at two days’ notice though I couldn’t do it myself to save tension or the punchline? writing which, strangely, feels felt that was OK as his my life. I have no talent. But I Some of our contributors more poetic as prose than it deadline was so tight. know a man who does – were published authors with did as a poem. Almost every contributor Malcolm Hardee. I wrote his novels (or, in the case of Malcolm’s name opened in the final book told me, at autobiography I Stole Arthur Smith, copious doors, opened telephone one time or another, that they Freddie Mercury’s Birthday newspaper columns) under lines (except to some of the were dropping out. One of Cake. Malcolm can walk 15 their belts. They needed little newer and more affected the final contributors – who yards to buy a packet of help. But some (not all) of the Armani-suit wearers) and got eventually wrote a wonderful condoms in a chemist and en others needed advice or, at people to say Yes. Getting piece – told me on five route more bizarre incidents least, someone to bounce them to stay on the separate occasions that he will happen to him than a ideas off. trampoline was my problem. honestly couldn’t see how he one-legged transvestite If, for me, the piece didn’t Some suddenly had could make time to do it. And footballer experiences in a work in some places I told genuine projects appear his excuses (pressure of lifetime. The man attracts them so honestly and always which took up their time; work) were genuine and comic incidents like a TV tried to give – in detail – many suddenly realised how understandable. Then, executive attracts exact reasons. I also made difficult writing 3,000 to suddenly, his first draft sycophants. But he can’t specific suggestions on how 5,000 words can be. It’s an appeared – and he wrote two even remember the decade to correct the problems. The awkward length. Longer than more versions in quick when some of them writers then had something a newspaper article; longer succession. happened. concrete to consider. They than a long stand-up joke. It My worst problem was Almost every brief could reject 80% of what I needs structure and more balancing the Yeses and anecdote in his said; partly agree with 10%; than a single thought dashed Maybes against the number

14 The Writers’ Bulletin August/September 2003 of contributions budgeted for in the Advance. If I assumed everyone who said Yes would deliver and they didn’t, I would have far too few pieces. If I wrongly guessed that certain people saying Yes would not deliver, thus commissioned replacement contributors, then they all delivered, I would have too many contributors and not enough money to pay them. As it was, we ended with 17 instead of 20 pieces but, as almost all tended towards 5,000 rather than 3,000 words, we were OK on our word tally and the publisher was, indeed, worried we would have too much. There was also a problem on content. The sine qua non of all contributions was that they had to be, in some way, funny. They didn’t have to be comic punchline writing as such, but they had to have some comedic sensibility or elements in them. The pieces delivered pushed this description to its very limit but, early on, the publisher and I agreed that quality over-ruled anything. There is one piece in the book which I don’t think is remotely funny in any way (Malcolm and the publisher disagree) but it is undeniably a great piece of writing, so I was always comfortable with including it. The published Sit-Down Comedy book is not quite the one Malcolm and I expected. But, if you commission people with original minds to write anything they fancy in any style in any genre, you’re bound to get something Fortunately, the publisher encouragement that hung in Hayridge, John Hegley, unexpected. What we ended liked it too. the air... Dominic Holland, Jeff up with was a collection of “How would you like to do “I’ve got a simpler idea,” I Innocent, Stewart Lee, very well-written tales of another book for us, John?” suggested. “It involves Mike Simon Munnery, Owen beheadings, psychopaths, “What is it?” I asked warily Tyson, three dentists and a O’Neill, Arthur Smith, Linda robbers, tramps, bombs in in the middle-priced trampoline...” Smith, Jim Tavaré, Dave toilets, some gentle poetic restaurant in Pimlico. Thompson, Tim Vine. fantasy and one piece that I “Taxi Tales,” came the Sit-Down Comedy is think even owes a debt to reply. “You talk to lots of published this month with Taxi Tales is published in Samuel Beckett. It’s not the black-cab drivers and contributions from Ed Byrne, February 2005. superficial laugh-a-minute compile the best stories they John Dowie, Jenny Éclair, gagathon we originally give you.” Stephen Frost, Boothby - www.thejohnfleming.com thought we were going to “Oh, they’re used to telling Graffoe, Ricky Grover, - www.sitdowncomedy.co.uk get. It’s better than that. stories,” was the unspoken Malcolm Hardee, Hattie - www.taxitales.co.uk

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